Work Text
Sundance,
January 22nd, 2017
Timmy arrives first, snow starting to fall as he makes his way to the hotel. Absently he looks out the window, thinking somehow he always arrives first to these type of things, and it should be an advantage, the perfect chance to get settled, but it also feels like a predisposed dynamic by now. He gets there first, so he is the one always expecting, waiting. Once in his room he takes out a spliff and lays on the bed. He's been anxious about premieres in the past. The night before Interstellar came out he couldn't sleep at all, so much anticipation eating him alive back then, but he was younger and those days felt more like a promise anyway (an unfulfilled promise, he would later learn). He cannot articulate how this will feel, still having trouble putting everything related to this experience into words. Instinctively he just knows, something is about to happen. The fact he has no idea what that entails, that's what unsettles him. Putting on his headphones he lets the music and the weed take him away
&
You're in my dreams
I can have anything and everything I ever wanted
Yeah
I can think of anything and everything I ever needed
Right here in my dreams
Everything is A-okay
I don't worry 'bout anything
Cause every day, every day, every day is sunny
Here in my dreams, now
Welcome
Yeah
Welcome
You're in my dreams
This is
A dream come true
Finding the perfect words to sing to you
Here in my dreams
Everything plays out
Exactly how I want them to
Everything turns out dope
Right here in my dreams
Welcome
Yeah
Welcome
You're in my dreams... It's a nice feeling, to just be suspended out there, Cudi's words always make him feel grounded yet hopeful, open. He's musing again, how much of all this is a dream, how much is reality? Does he have to make a clear distinction between the two of them? Maybe dreams are realities somewhere else. He's about to step into one of them, a parallel universe he's visited before. It's overwhelming, all the ideas and feelings intertwining inside him. He just breaths, in and out. He's already decided he was gonna be present for this no matter what. Sometimes is all about being present, and not about having it all figured out. Then he is not waiting anymore. They are all here, Michael, Walter, Luca. He hasn't seen them since Crema and being back with them, in a world that's felt more distant ever since, makes his heart swell. Luca takes command of the reunion spreading his generous sassy spirit to their first conversation. He looks younger, Timmy thinks, and absently makes a comment about being able to tell he is in post production mood. -Well that's good to hear cause I don't think I can take his punches at the moment, or rightfully so this time, defend myself- The sound of that voice makes the whole room spin. There's a new centre of gravity and he's standing right in front of him, smiling wildly, his presence a commanding energy that's lazed with so much good spirits and genuine affection people can't help but fall into it. Armie. Armie right here, arm in a sling, face unshaven, eyes both tired and incredibly warm. Timmy can't help but lap into him, heart bursting at having him again. He forgets Armie is rather incapacitated at the moment and goes for a big hug, body relaxing when he feels the hug being returned just as tight. The rest of the crew comes to him, all exchanging pleasantries and quickly filling the air with the Call Me by Your Name feeling. He becomes a little more chatty as time progresses, trying to immerse himself in this positive vibe. He'd forgotten how thrilling it could be, talking and laughing and having Armie's eyes fixed on him for whatever reason. It energizes him. As they find themselves alone, a moment before their first ever red carpet, a knowing smirk spreads across Armie's face. -What were you doing Timmy?- -What do you mean?- -You are so fucking high dude- Armie says with so much fondness and shared complicity, his face lights up before he can even finish the sentence. Timmy just smiles, loving how Armie knows, Armie always knows what's up. -Whaaaat? Me brother? Getting high before our premiere, I would never!- why you wanna join?- and immediately bursts laughing. It's their little secrets, he thinks, the camaraderie that's blossomed between them. He feels so at ease and so eager to just share with him. A laugh, a joke, an anecdote, a story of the time being apart. It's moments like this which convince him that sometimes he's just thinking too much, that he'd rather enjoy this for whatever it is than to go in circles in his head for whatever it is not. He looks up and sees Michael watching them, an untroubled smile on his lips. So much reminiscent of the proud father he was in Italy. It fills him with delight, people around them have witnessed what happened and have in their own way encouraged them. You are doing alright, they seem to say. We all love what you two have created. They are back in Crema, full of initial trepidation of seeing himself on screen. It takes a while to fully let go and connect. When he does they are sitting at the Piazza, talking about themselves, about the summer, playing a game of masks with each other. It's surreal. He feels so engrossed in all of it, again. No other character has been a part of his life the way Elio is. They were both 17 when he met him, Elio Pearlman a boy in a borrowed book he kept for a year (earning him a $100 fine), highlighting, meditating, experiencing. He's spent years in Elio's mind, and by this point it would be an outright lie to say he didn't discover things about himself through him. Now is not only Elio in his head, but Elio on screen, and the aftermath of bringing him to life. It's a beautiful entanglement and he has never known whether he's supposed to unravel or admire. You were getting feisty back then, remember?- Armie whispers teasingly in his ear- I had to rein you back in- There is electricity again. A current that moves inside him, speeding up his pulse, shallowing his breathing. Yes, there is unassuming closeness, familiarity, brotherhood, but there is also this, the proximity of their bodies, a couple of words spoken in a specific tone, a tilting of the head, a lingering moment that could mean anything or nothing at all. For the millionth time he wonders how much of this a reflection and how much a mirage. He offers a faint smile, eyes never leaving the screen. His attention back on them, atoning for his inner derailment. Scene after scene, he sees their puzzle pieces coming together, assembling them, breaking them up and forming something new in the process. Elio and Oliver, Oliver and Elio, is a beautiful dance of bodies, of wits, of hearts. This is what matters right now, he decides. This is why they are here for. The chance they got to capture something like this and share it with the world, Timmy feels a sense of pride unlike anything he's ever felt before. By the time he sees himself crying on screen, his own tears are filling his eyes. He has no problem showing them, he lived this, he got to experience this, the wonder, the love, the loss, the pain. Watching the movie is all the confirmation he ever needed. No matter what he is going through, the labyrinth of feelings he has inside, it's never gonna be about blocking them, he has to let them flow, with no imposition whatsoever, with no expectation of them being addressed by anybody else but himself. He feels a light touch on his shoulder, the pull to come back to reality, Armie's eyes on him. And the way he is looking at him. Armie hasn't looked at him that way since Crema, in what sometimes feels like another life. Timmy responds in full, getting a glimpse of something he hasn't allowed himself to hope for in the last nine months. They've triggered a little moment, something sacred just the two of them understand. And just as quickly as it comes it banishes. Armie snapping out of it, quickly looking away, something fascinating has apparently landed on his lap. They are back in this little theater in Salt Lake City, the world awaiting for them. What a roller coaster of emotions, Timmy thinks stealing one last glance. This man that's become so much to him, in ways he can shout to the world and others he has to keep to himself. This man he loves, admitting it hurts, he is not naive enough to ignore it now, but it also heals. And he's decided to fully feel it, to let it be. I get to share this with you, he thinks, I don't think there's another person in the world I would rather share it with.---------------------------------------------- When the frenzy cools down he goes out and smokes a cigarette. The thing about parallel universes is that you can never live in more than one at given time, but maybe, sometimes you can step into other worlds, and get glimpses of what a different life could be like.