Work Text
September 17, 1994
His eyes were trained on the floor, as Castiel made his way to the back of the bus. It was raining that day, so he wore his dad’s old trenchcoat and his wet shoes squeaked against the bus floor. He assumed people would want to go by the front so they could get out sooner, but it was just his luck that the popular kids were sitting there. Lisa, Naomi, Benny, Jo, Ash, Michael, and Dean Winchester.
In all his glory; red flannel over a gray tee, topped with a leather jacket that probably shouldn’t be getting wet in the rain. He had ripped jeans, which he probably did on purpose to look cool. He had some earphones that connected to a walkman, and Cas wondered what he was listening to. Dean also had a strange new necklace on, and Castiel couldn’t remember ever seeing it. And then there were Dean’s too green, romance novel eyes. And his hair, that Castiel remembered running his hands through.
Then Castiel saw his arm wrapped around Lisa’s waist and he remembered. He remembered how he shouldn’t care if Dean’s jacket would be bad in rain, or if he purposely ripped his jeans, or what he was listening to, or where he got the necklace from (it was probably from Lisa), or get lost in his eyes, or old memories. He shouldn’t think about anything regarding Dean WInchester.
Castiel ducked his head, and turned to sit down in the first empty seat he could find, it was two rows in front of Dean’s crew, so Castiel hoped nobody noticed him. He scooted down to sit by the window, staring at the blue sky. Imagining the day he could get out of this small town, hopefully able to live out by Gabriel. Gabriel and Kali lived out in California, now in a nice house right on the beach. Maybe he could even Gabe now, he knew he was always welcomed at his brother’s. But it wouldn't be fair. Castiel rubbed absentmindedly at his bruise on his upper arm.
He heard laughing behind him, and with a quick glance saw Lisa laughing directly at him. He felt his throat burn slightly and some tears fill his vision. He took a deep breath, focus on the trees.
As much as he didn’t want to, he heard their conversation.
“I mean, look at him! With his gay trench coat!” Lisa squealed. She was rewarded with the other’s laughing. Castiel couldn’t pick out Dean’s. He tried to tell himself that was silly, it had been so long he shouldn’t even be able to do that, but he couldn’t help but get a small smile.
Naomi was next, “I know right! Like isn’t he supposed to have some fashion sense?”
“Forget about that, it’s a sin,” Michael hissed out. That hurt Castiel the most. Especially since his dad loved the bible so much and he prayed regularly. The main reason he hadn’t brought it up to his dad.
“Can you even believe it, Dean?” It was Lisa again. She brought Dean into the conversation. Castiel’s smile fell, it was stupid to think anything could change. “That you were friends with a homosexual. That he almost… corrupted you.”
He heard shuffling, and Lisa scoff.
“Knock it off.” That was Dean, clear as a bell. Castiel chanced a glance their way. Dean was standing.
He had pushed Lisa off of him
. “He was my friend once. He’s a good guy, one of the best I know.”
They were all laughing at Dean now. “You like him or something?” Benny asked. It wasn’t as mean as the others, but it wasn’t particularly nice either.
Dean scoffed at him. “As if, guys. Just saying, we shouldn’t be mean to him either.”
“Oh really?” Lisa again, Castiel couldn’t help but to roll his eyes. “I dare you to go sit next to him. Try to have a conversation. If he’s really so nice, then he’ll talk to you. And you can tell us just how nice he is.
Castiel shut his eyes as hard as he could wishing that when he opened them again, Nobody would be next to him. He felt the seat dip. Curse him for taking the window seat. He held his backpack close to his chest, keeping his eyes closed still. Like animal, playing dead -- or asleep.
“You can open your eyes, ya know,” Dean’s gentle voice told him. He shook his head a little, then remembered his plan. Dean had seen though. This really wasn’t Castiel’s day. “Cas.”
His heart broke in that moment for a second time. He hadn’t heard that name in so long, forbid Gabe or Kali to ever call him that. He was lucky if his dad wasn’t screaming anything, so he didn’t press either way. He had almost wished he would hear that again, but like this, on a dare made by some stupid people. This wasn’t right. Dean wasn’t going to apologize. Nothing changed. This just made it worse.
“I’m sure you heard.” Dean placed a hesitant hand. Castiel’s eyes shot open as he pulled back. Dean pulled his hand back just as quickly. Their eyes locked for a moment too long before they both looked at the ground. Both with light blushes dusting their faces. “I’m sorry, I-- uh, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry, Cas.”
“No.” Castiel was now looking straight at Dean. This may be the only chance he’d get. Dean looked up at him, and he forced himself to keep contact. “You’re not sorry. And you don’t get to call me Cas. It’s Castiel. And even that, you have no right to call me that. Or anything. Because you let me down. You left. And you became this other person. With other friends. WIth other ideas. With other feelings. You aren’t Dean, you aren’t my Dean so you can’t pretend to be him. And I don’t want this new Dean anywhere in my life.”
“Cas, I--- let me explain.” Dean cut in. “I’ll-- I’ll tell you everything and explain, and we can be us again. Well, not exactly of course. But let’s not do this here.”
“No, Dean. If you want to explain your side, save it. I don’t want to hear this Dean tell me lies. I don’t want to hear anything you say until you’re you again. Until you realize what you did to me, until you’re really sorry. Until then. I just can’t.”
Castiel had to breathe. He couldn’t see because of all the tears prickling his eyes, but they weren’t falling yet. And his throat burned but he had to get this out.
“But you can listen to me now, or you can say goodbye and walk away and never come back. Or you can listen to the whole thing.” Dean let out a quick nod, his responses all dying down. “You hurt me. You were my best friend. And I loved you, and I didn’t understand it. Then you said you loved me. And you wanted me to be your girlfriend.” Castiel let out a sad, choked laugh. “And then you broke my heart. Completely broke it.”
The tears fell now, betrayed him. And his heart hurt from the memories. And his stomach felt like it was a black hole.
“And then, when I needed you most, you weren’t there. And the real you wasn’t even there. Gabe moved far away, and I was left alone with my dad. If you can even call him that. And he even bea--” Castiel stopped himself. He couldn’t tell this Dean that. But he instinctevly rubbed the fresh bruise on his arm. It was hidden by his light blue shirt. He had taken off the trenchcoat before, he never expected anyone to be close enough to lift his shirt sleeve up.
Dean reached hesitant fingers to lift Castiel’s shirt sleeve up. Castiel was too lost in thought thinking about how angry his dad got that he didn’t even notice. Dean heard the cut-off word, he saw the blue and black skin, he knew. And by the time Castiel realized it was too late.
“You, you need to tell someone.” Dean’s voice was shaky. Was he about to cry. Now Castiel was crying more,
thanks a lot universe
.
“No. There’s no one to tell, Dean. Because the only person I trusted, let me down in the worst possible way. “And it was you. So please, and I mean it. Please don’t talk to me. Just go back with your friends. And forget I exist. Like you did before.”
Dean’s mind was racing. His eyes were darting all over the place. “I could never forget about you.”
“Yes you can. And you did. You have Lisa. And even if you want back, Dean. I won’t let you. You hurt me so bad. You broke my heart. And you can never makeup for that. You can’t fix this Dean. You can’t just say sorry and then it’s okay. We can’t be friends again.”
Castiel could still read the feeling off of Dean. He was hurt, and confused. But Castiel knew he still didn’t fully get it.
Dean nodded his head, but when Castiel expected Dean to get up, he instead grabbed Castiel’s backpack away from him. Dean looked like he was in a rush, and if Castiel could do anything but watch, he would have taken the bag back already. Dean looked through its contents before handing it back to Castiel.
“You don’t have any lunch,” Dean stated. Looking into Castiel’s eyes.
“No. You don’t get to pretend to care. You stopped doing that a long time ago. And don’t even try to deny it.” Castiel looked at Dean, and realized it was never going to go back to the way it was. “Please, Dean, just go. Leave me alone.”
Dean nodded. At this moment, there was nothing he could do.
The rest of the day seem to go much better for Castiel. Not terrific afterall, he was still Castiel. But it wasn’t bad. He had even made some friends. Nobody he’d say he was very close to, but maybe in time. There was Charlie Bradbury, his lab partner in AP Bio. A spunky redhead who seemed to be close to a genius. He had a good feeling about her, especially when he first words to him were, “Castiel, huh. Lucky we got paired up I guess. I’m Charlie, or the only other non-straight kid. So I’m very glad you won’t flirt with me.” She had given him and wink and Castiel knew he liked her.
Then there was Meg Masters his deskmate in World History. She was definitely going to make History a lot less boring. With her snarky comments and confidence. He had a feeling she was going to stick up for him at all costs.
And last but not least, Kevin Tran, who he met during Math. Castiel always excelled in his studies, but Kevin was some real competition. Castiel loved a good challenge, and Kevin and his girlfriend Channing both seemed very friendly.
He was glad to have some people he thought he would be able to go to and talk, or at least sit with at lunch.
When he go to English, that’s when his luck stopped.
Castiel arrived to see Mary Winchester had become the new high school English teacher. And that included Honors. Castiel reasoned it wouldn’t be that bad, although he and Dean weren’t friends, Mary was always kind to him. In fact, he remembered how she had brought the strawberry cake last year and never pressed charges on him for trespassing. He smiled to himself, it couldn’t get worse.
He gave her a small smile has he passed her, but she stopped him. “Castiel.”
He walked up to her desk. Digging his hands into his father’s trench coat. “Yes… Mrs. Winchester?”
“You can always call me Mary, Castiel. You’re practically family. And always will be.” Castiel highly doubted that, maybe she didn’t even know what happened with him and Dean. This could be okay. Good, even. “And family fights.” Okay, she did know. It could still be okay. “But, I just don’t want you to feel weird in any way. And of course I’m your teacher now, but I still remember catching you and Dean eating strawberries in my garden.”
Castiel was beyond confused to what she really meant. Besides still calling her Mary. Maybe years without friends had really hurt his social skills.
“Speaking of which, I’m going to bring some homemade strawberry cupcakes tomorrow. Not for your birthday of course. Just for the class.” Castiel smiled to himself. He had missed her strawberries. “Anyways, I got off topic. Just think of me as Mary, Castiel.”
“Of course. Mary,” Castiel smiled at her.
Mary gave him a kind smile. “Okay, you can go sit anywhere you like.”
Castiel nodded, turning to survey the room. He realized he didn’t have any of his friends in this class, and he was pretty anti social so walking up to someone was out of the question. He decided to let fate match him with his desk partner, as he sat at an empty table near the back.
He had just sat down and finished getting his notebook and pencil out when he looked up to the front of the class. He saw Dean Winchester once again. It didn’t entirely surprise him after all this was his mom’s class. So of course he’d stop into to say hi. Castiel was about to brush it off, when Dean glanced over at him. He watched carefully as Mary looked sadly over to Castiel herself. He watched as Mary turned back to her son, nodding. And he watched as Dean Winchester made his way over to him once again. How was he even in this class?
Castiel was caught off guard and did the stupidest but only think he could think of, shut his eyes. Willing for Dean to just walk away. He heard Dean plop down beside him, heard his backpack zip and unzip. He heard some things plopped down on the desk. Then silence.
“You really gonna do that again?” Dean sighed. “Just because you can’t see me, doesn’t mean I can’t see you, Einstein.”
It was mean. Castiel opened his eyes to glare at Dean. It was hard when Castiel almost got distracted by counting Dean’s freckles, but he kept a steady gaze.
“Sorry,” Dean caught himself, hoping to never again see the cold stare of those blue eyes. That, that was not me. Well, like you said, it was now me. Not your Dean.”
“I told you to leave me alone,” Castiel responded, opening up his notebook in preparation for class. It was an old notebook he got last year, which meant that it only had half the pages, but it worked once those were taken out.
“It’s assigned seating,” Dean said, leaning back into his chair. The bottom of his shirt lifted up a little, exposing his hip bone. Castiel noticed right away, but chose to glare at Dean again. He could not be seen doing that. “Okay, fine. I asked her to put me here. Or chose to sit here myself. But I have good reason.” Dean leaned closer to Castiel. He was excited for whatever reason Castiel couldn’t place.
“And what reason would be good enough, Dean?” The bell had just rung, and Castiel did not want to miss any class.
“Well, I know you said we can’t be friends anymore. And…” Dean got quiet for once. And although Castiel knew it was short, he treasured every moment. “I thought a lot about what I did over the summer. And I think I’m finally starting to see it from your point of view.”
Castiel wanted to laugh. Like anything could really change THAT much. “Really? Have you?”
“Not as much as you want me to. And it will take me awhile to. But I know that it wasn’t right. And I know I need to make it up with you.”
Mary had began to introduce herself a bit, so Castiel tried to tune Dean out now.
“And like you said earlier, I don’t want to be friends again.” That got Castiel’s attention. “Not because I don’t want to, but I know it wouldn’t be fair to you. Which is why I’m not asking you to forgive me.”
Castiel took a moment to process what Dean had said before asking, “You’re not?”
“No. I want to. But you’re right. I need more time to become my old self again. To be more sorry. Then ask for your forgiveness.” Castiel stayed silent, so Dean continued, “I also want to make it up to you. In any way I can. I talked to my mom. About what you told me. Well about how your dad beats you.”
“You told her?”
Dean looked down guiltily. “Yeah, I did. Maybe I shouldn’t have but I thought she should know. She said we can’t, like, take you in. Cause that would be kidnapping technically.”
Castiel did laugh this time. “Like my dad would care, or even notice.” Castiel thought a minute. “Though maybe he’d realize his punching bag was gone.”
Dean didn’t join him for his next choked laugh, but he did give a hesitant smile. “Well, unless it got really bad, we can’t really do that. But my mom is open to it.” Dean took a moment to think about his next words carefully. “Until then, my mom will pack an extra lunch with me that I can drop off to you. And you have to report to me whenever you’re hurt.”
“I don’t have to do anything.”
“Sorry, you’re right. But it would help us make a case if my mom could document any bruises or cuts. And, we don’t have to be friends -- we won’t be friends until you want. Just, I need to make it up to you somehow and this is what I can do right now.”
Castiel dropped his pen, realizing he wasn’t going to be writing any notes down at this point. He thought over the pros and cons, before realizing Dean was stubborn enough not to care what he thought. And Mary was too kind. And by the end of the night, all Winchesters would know about what his dad did. And if he didn’t agree, he knew they’d make a kidnapping plan and land in jail by tomorrow. “Okay. Fine.”
Dean’s face lit up, which told Castiel that he hadn’t expected him to agree. “I won’t let you down, Cas.”
“Don’t make idle promises. And there are rules. Like not calling me ‘Cas’.”
Dean kitted his eyebrows together, in a way Castiel refused to even admit to himself that he found adorable. “What
do
I call you?”
Castiel thought hard about it. He knew it needed to be something for Dean to actually call him, and if he said ‘nothing’ that’s what Dean would call him. But he also wanted something that he knew Dean would never say aloud. “Call me… Angel."