Work Text
timaeusTestified [TT]
began pestering
gutsyGumshoe [GG]
at 4:20 PM 06/09/2011 —
TT: So, there's this book.
TT: No, wait, that doesn't even begin to describe it.
TT: Plato is a hack and we all know it. The dude can't write for shit and I have no idea why he got so popular when society was still a thing. It isn't just his writing that I hate, I also hated his ideas for the longest time, but I'm starting to reconsider that.
TT: I'm sure you know all about the world of the forms so I won't bother diving into it again. Still, I always thought it was impossible for something to be a perfect version of itself since change is constant. Like it or not everything changes, waters rise and cities fall. Even creating a perfect image in your mind is impossible since your mind will subtly shift how it sees the image.
TT: And yet, I have found the perfect book. It is an unchanging masterpiece. Even when its body is battered by time the essence of it is unchanging. The cover is perfectly captured in time even when my screen flickers and fades. This book is so perfect I doubt that a human really made it. The best theory I have right now is that it is the collective power of all good in the universe.
TT: It's a holy text Jane. The Dead Sea Scrolls have nothing on this.
TT: This is the bible if Mohamed had written it with God's dead hand and Jesus himself had shat on it. Except it's even better than that. All three combined have nothing on Elaine Walker.
TT: The cover alone causes an intense euphoria, lifting me high above my own brain. The ripple of muscles, the flowing hair, I can almost hear the hooves battering the snow. The framing of the shot forces the viewer to make eye contact, examine the horse in its full beauty. Walker clearly knows what's going on.
TT: She understands the nature of the horse in a way I only struggle to understand. The title is perfect, a sign that Walker respects the animal she's writing about. The tone she takes is reverent, displaying at a mere glance how she has rightfully placed the horse above all other animals, humans included of course.
TT: For all her glory she is also a cruel temptress. Her work is a siren's song, calling me close and then drowning me in the deep.
GG: Are you done?.
TT: No, I was copy pasting a paragraph I wrote on the subject but Pesterchum has a character limit per post.
GG: Instead of sending that maybe you'd just like to hear what I have to say.
TT: Not particularly.
GG: Based on what you've said so far, I think that you're trying to teach me the ways of irony again.
GG: I'm still a little uncertain of the "joke within a joke" aspect of it. As much as I consider myself an expert on Dirk tangents the one on the basics of irony was rather intense.
TT: That was the joke, a half-hearted parody of the "___ for Dummies" book series. It was half-hearted since parodies of those books are already so overdone.
TT: That point aside, I'm not trying to be ironic here, you'd know if it was.
GG: I doubt that. Couldn't seeming to drop the ironic act be taken as irony itself. You are a puzzle Mr. Strider.
TT: Use your rad detective skills then and figure out what i'm trying to say then.
GG: From what I've gathered, you're rather invested in a book by one "Elaine Walker".
TT: Now that's a fucking understatement.
TT: shush! I've got to lay down all the facts first.
GG: A quick google search reveals that Elaine Walker has written quite a few books, though only a few focus around horses.
GG: Since you've only talked about the front cover I assume you haven't actually read it. Since you're so "tempted" by it I can only assume one thing.
GG: Whichever book of hers this is, you want me to buy it for you.
TT: You got it in one Jane.
GG: That's not very gentlemanly of you, trying to get someone to buy you something.
TT: Of course it's not. Who the hell do you think I am?
GG: Don't think I'll let that little reference slip by me. I've known you long enough to know when you're quoting one of the animes .
TT: "The animes". Jane, I thought you knew better than that.
GG: What Mr. Know it all? Am I not allowed to partake in the irony you're trying to teach me.
TT: It's only ironic if it's funny.
GG: well, I'm laughing.
TT: If only one person is laughing it's a prank, which is why irony is the better form of humor. Irony elicits laughter but isn't actually funny, but it's that lack of humor which makes it funny in the first place
TT: Enough of that. I'm not wasting time when I could be begging you to buy me a book.
GG: And you can't buy it becuase?.
TT: I live in the future Jane, all the bookstores and libraries are 20,000 leagues under the sea. To add to that, no one actually bothered to upload it as a pdf online before it became unavailable.
TT: All I have is the betty-zon preview which is quite literally only the cover. I've even tried to get Roxy to appearify me a copy but we have no idea where to find one.
GG: "Betty-zon?".
TT: Yeah. Betty Crocker Amazon, she bought it out at some point. I thought it was obvious.
GG: I know what it is silly, it's just that you just showed your hand. You said I'd know if you were being ironic and now I know that you are! You're talking about that ironic " I live in the future" thing again. You wouldn't mention it if you weren't joking around.
TT: I'm being completely honest about that.
GG: The future thing or the book thing?.
TT: Both.
GG: >:B I doubt that, but your commitment to the jape is impressive. It would be a shame to stop after all the work you've put in
GG: Since it has not yet come up in conversation, what is the book you've been talking about.
TT: The Horse: Passion, Beauty, Splendor, Strength.
GG: Why that is a dramatic title.
TT: It's a god damn beautiful title is what it is.
GG: Are you quite sure that no one has put it up online? Even if it isn't free I'm sure Roxy could hack through any block and let you read it.
TT: Jane, I haven't slept in the past four days because I have been scouring everything for this book I have searched the whole internet, all of it, and there's not a page to be found.
TT: Walker is Van Gough, not appreciated until after she died. I'm one of two people left alive and I need to read this book or else the memory of all humanity will be lost.
GG: hooo hoo hoo.
TT: This is no laughing matter.
GG: Of course it is! For once i'm acutally finding your humor humoross.
TT: Try pulling your punches next time or else you'll have to send me to intensive care for that burn.
GG: You're mixing your metaphors again. Even if it's for irony's sake misuse of the English language is still a crime, and I'm the detective sent to solve it.
TT: Oh no, I'm under arrest for funny crimes.
GG: Hands behind your back good Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
TT: Do I have a right to an attorney, or is this state in violation of Gideon v. Wainwright. If so, I think I've got a good chance to get my case retried.
GG: Shush mister, you get one phone call before you're sent to the slammer.
TT: This is in one way how the United States court system works. You didn't even read me the entirety of my Miranda Rights. You can't hold me legally without giving me all of my rights.
GG: >:B Do you want that phone call or not punk?
TT: Alright officer, I'd like to call Jane Crocker. She'll know how to get me out of this mess.
GG: You have five minutes. (That bit's true, my Dad's about to finish up dinner.)
TT: Okay then, I'll get to the point. What I'm about to say is outside of this whole inaccurate cop roleplay we've got going on here.
TT: Please Jane, I am begging you. I am kneeling down in front of my computer, hands clasped together, eyes longing like I'm some victorian beggar child hoping for another spoonful of peas porridge. But instead of peas porridge, it's gold, though that won't help my shriveled romantic era stomach. It's like edible gold, or just a hot meal from a symbolic mother. I will be indebted to you for life. I will do whatever you want me to do.
TT: I need that book.
GG: Yes, Yes, this is all very funny. It was nice talking to you, but I really do have to go now. Have a good night.
gutsyGumshoe [TT]
ceased pestering
timaeusTestified [GG]
at 7:06 PM 06/09/2011 —
TT: GOD. FUCKING. DAMN. IT.