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How strange it was to have Spock back in his life after all these years. A different Spock but still the same Spock. He imagined that he must seem the same way to Spock, the same but different than when we were young adventure seekers on the Enterprise. How foolish I had been to think that the two of us could have a happily ever after on earth. How foolish I was to later seek out a happily ever after in a whirlwind dysfunctional marriage with a woman. We thought that somehow together Spock and I could make it work in a beautiful high-rise apartment in San Francisco. But even with an apartment in the sky and big windows overlooking the massively deep and almost endless Pacific, we both had hearts and eyes too big and heavy for life in this terrestrial place. Maybe it was easier for Spock to be on Vulcan, doing Vulcan things with Vulcan people. Eating Vulcan food. Speaking Vulcan language. How stupid and in love I was, we both were, to think we could live forever in this city by the sea. This relationship in this beautiful city had been more challenging than any of the dangers we faced together in deep space. But now Spock was back, and different but the same. This purging of emotion ordeal suited him quite well actually. Once again, Spock was like the young, aloof, reticent and intimidating Vulcan he had been when they first met all those years ago. While most everyone else thought that Spock’s Vulcan demeanor was some degree of cold, bitchy, unnerving or even terrifying, it was exactly what made him so attractive. The Vulcan Spock was the most magnificent being to ever walk the Earth. Calm, collected, cool under the most harrowing circumstances. Sober, meditative, focused. Dutiful and loyal. Perfection. And now that most Vulcan side of Spock was back and it was all Jim could think about. After Spock’s arrival he realized that he still loved Spock more than anything, but that Spock would probably never want or be able to indulge that feeling again. So if Spock couldn’t love him like he once had, he wanted to make sure that Spock would at least appreciate the beauty of his human form. Jim made sure to always be exceptionally dressed and groomed when Spock was around. Dressed to show off the beauty of his aging but still exquisite physique. Surely even a Vulcan could appreciate the aesthetics of a healthy fit human body. But in spite of all the attempts to be appealing to Spock, Jim was still a big dumb puppy inside. It was Jim’s puppy love for his Vulcanness that Spock found comforting. It made interacting with all the other humans more bearable. Even the human odor was more bearable when Jim was around. Jim’s total respect and adoration for everything Vulcan made it easier to be around humans that usually found my presence uncomfortable. The rest of the crew of the Enterprise respected or at least tolerated my authority because Jim absolutely cherished my presence. Once, too many times once, I had indulged the human aspects that most conflicted with the Vulcan aspects of myself. It was a strange sort of madness to experience such severe internal conflict. Not even Jim’s soft eyes and adoring smile could calm that madness. Leaving Jim was the last pain I ever knew and I vowed that it would be the last pain I would ever feel before going into kolinahr. Striving for kolinahr was a good idea, and it certainly had been beneficial. No regrets there, as if regret was something I could feel anymore. But it was useless. Life without Jim, t'hy'la, was empty and barren. Life on the beautiful world of Vulcan was pleasant, but not good. The good life had always been in deep space with that soft human. Would Jim be able to accept a very Vulcan sense of fondness or would it be a poor substitute for the memory of their messy but passionate love? They stared quietly at each other for longer than would be comfortable for a human, but Jim took great comfort in the fact that Spock was secure in his Vulcan identity again. Jim could be happy just staring at Spock for days. And surely this was a sign that Spock could appreciate Jim’s beauty at least. That could be enough. It might need to be enough. They were together again. At least they were adjacent to each other, if that was all the togetherness they could have. But Spock also respected Jim’s amusing human romantic customs. Jim had always been so good at tempering the human romance to be more appropriate for Vulcan sensibilities. The eye contact, the little touches, the feel of his cool human breath on Spock’s warm skin. The tiny affectionate whispers that were inaudible to humans. Could I let these things happen again and not go mad? Surely all that time spent meditating in the mountains and reflecting on all I had experienced was not a waste, and made me better prepared to handle a relationship with a human. A human who also cherished everything about Vulcan had raised me. My dear human mother would be so proud of me for facing the trials of the kolinahr, but also seeing the value in human qualities and experiences. Mother loved all things Vulcan, her Vulcan husband and children, and always there to give enough human affection so that the human side wasn’t a distraction from Vulcan training. Jim seemed to love Vulcan the same way. It was not Jim’s fault that Spock let his emotions get the best of him. It was not Jim’s fault that the cold wet city by the sea where they made their home once was totally alien and deeply disquieting. But now with the kolinahr training, perhaps it could be bearable. It wasn’t what Spock wanted, but if it made Jim happy…“Spock,” Jim whispered with round pink lips and cheeks, “I’m so sorry Spock. I’m so sorry I drove you away. I hope you can forgive me for being such a selfish fool.”Spock stepped close enough to touch Jim’s face, and reached out with two fingers. Pressing them against Jim’s lips, Jim’s cool soft pink alien lips. Jim stood there in awe of this most perfect being making the most perfect human-Vulcan gesture of affection. “We were both blinded by emotion then. Let us not indulge this useless sentimentality for the past. Jim,” Spock hesitated for a moment before whispering, “t'hy'la.” Jim reached up to hold Spock’s wrist and pull his hand away from Jim’s lips. Jim laced his fingers between Spock’s, and squeezed in acknowledgement. There were no words. How could this relationship feel so new after such a tumultuous history? “Chess?” Jim felt weak in his knees and butterflies in his stomach. There was a whole new Spock here to get to know. Luckily Jim had the advantage of knowing who Spock used to be, but Jim was also afraid. He was so afraid that he would drive off his most perfect Vulcan soul mate with some small stupid thing. Spock could feel Jim’s fear, anxiety and hesitation as they stood holding hands. He must do something to assuage Jim’s fears. Spock knew they couldn’t be like they were before, but also wanted to make sure Jim wasn’t restrained by fear. This most fearless deep space explorer was most afraid of losing one Vulcan’s attention. “Chess.” Spock allowed a small smile to come through as he turned away to start some hot tea for Jim. If there was going to be more physical affection he wanted Jim’s hands to be warmer. But why even bother with chess? It had once been a meditative way to stay logical in Jim’s presence, but now it seemed unnecessary. I can’t let Jim feel so anxious about our relationship. Perhaps the human could benefit from some physical affection, and drop this horrible anxious feeling that flooded my mind when we touched. Silently, Spock offered Jim the tea and a seat on the couch. Jim smiled with gratitude but still had an underlying anxiety. “Jim, it is ok. I do not expect you to deny your feelings, but I also do not want you to be distressed by them.” Spock sat next to Jim and wrapped him arm around the soft human’s arms. Spock wrapped his hands around Jim’s hands on the warm cup and guided it to his lips. Jim drank in the comfort of the Vulcan’s embrace and the mild but bitter tea.“I’m not distressed. I…” Jim sighed before trying to find a lie to hide his feelings. The uncertainty was actually quite distressing, but he had to trust Spock. He had to trust this unfeeling Vulcan with his tender feeling heart. “I did not know what I would find when I left Vulcan and the kolinahr, and I was not seeking this. “ Spock squeezed Jim a bit, “Once I was back on a ship and saw the stars all I could think about was you. And when I encountered that machine intelligence I realized that in my quest for a pure Vulcan logical existence I had harmed someone that truly deeply loved me for being Vulcan. All those years I needed your love and support to stabilize my confusion about my Vulcan and human identities. Now I fully accept everything about being both Vulcan and human. You taught me that Jim. I suppose it is unique to those of us that are mixed Vulcan and human, but I realized that I can be confidently Vulcan when I can experience my humanity through you.” Oh yes that was what Jim needed to hear. Spock felt Jim melt in his arms. “Just be James Tiberius Kirk. There is nothing else I need from you. Let us never speak of the past again.” Spock was absolutely perfect. Of course Spock had read my mind and knew exactly what I couldn’t express. Could we be a couple? Would Spock be willing to indulge a tender human’s needs for physical affection? Did it matter? Lying in Spock’s arms again was perfect. Life on earth as an admiral had been lonely. Chasing women was no longer satisfying and the stars never changed their positions in the night sky. Love for Starfleet was enough but not enough. There was a feeling of fear and anxiety again. A want for a kiss. Could Spock feel it? Would Spock perform these human romantic routines again? Jim felt Spock’s regal Vulcan form relax, lean back and stretch his legs out.Yes, a kiss would be necessary to alleviate the distressing human insecurity. Hopefully their relationship could progress to a point where such physical affection would not be necessary for Jim’s personal emotional security. Jim could be trained to be more Vulcan in these matters, but then he would not be Jim. Yes, a kiss would be necessary tonight and on any other night when Jim felt anxious and insecure. Gratification was another human emotion, but it would not be disturbing to experience it with Jim. Jim felt that and turned in for a gentle meeting of their lips to seal the healing that was happening between them.