Archive of Our Own

Work Text

Sanghyuk woke up with a start. He shut his eyes close again, trying to forget the vague memories of his dream about a certain someone and ignoring the buzzing of his phone’s alarm - at least until he realized it wasn’t his alarm ringing. He sighed and blindly reached for his phone under his pillow, eyes still tightly shut. Once he found it, he just swiped his thumb to answer the call without even checking who was calling. “What took you so long to answer? I’ve called you three times already.” He recognized the voice as Hongbin’s. “What are you calling so early on a Saturday morning for?” Sanghyuk grumbled. He begrudgingly rubbed an eye open and turned on his side. “Sorry, I didn’t realize 1PM is still considered early Saturday morning,” Hongbin replied sarcastically. Only then did Sanghyuk bother getting up from his bed and looking at his phone’s time. It was, indeed, past one in the afternoon. “I take it you just woke up and haven’t had breakfast yet, let alone lunch.” Sanghyuk yawned. “Yeah. What’s up?” “Hakyeon-hyung and I are nearby. Wash up and have lunch with us.” Sanghyuk groaned. “What, you don’t want to?” “No, I haven no complaints at all being a third wheel to Cha Hakyeon’s dates with his exes.” “Hey, you’re on loudspeaker, you know?” Hakyeon butted in. “And I’m treating so you better come.” Sanghyuk sighed. Well, lunch with Hongbin should be better than dinner with Taekwoon. He dragged himself off his bed and washed up quickly before heading out. The good thing about Hongbin was that he understood how Sanghyuk prefered to not go too far from his dorm so they would often meet some place nearby - Unlike Taekwoon who would insist on going to “better” restaurants, or somewhere “new” that Sanghyuk really found inconvenient to travel to. If Taekwoon didn’t pick him up and drop him off at his dorm, he really wouldn’t go. Or so he tried to tell himself. “What kept you up so late at night that you just woke up?” Hakyeon asked as soon as he sat with them. Food was already served as per Hakyeon’s order so Sanghyuk went straight to pick up his chopsticks and start eating. “We had a gig last night,” he answered while chewing, making Hakyeon raise a brow at him. Prim and proper Cha Hakyeon hated bad table manners, especially hearing chewing sounds - and Sanghyuk hated that he knew about this because Taekwoon hadn’t stopped talking about Hakyeon recently. “My friend asked me to sub for their sax player. I could use some extra money so I might join them again some time.” He continued anyway, purposely trying to annoy Hakyeon by chewing louder. “I didn’t know you played the saxophone?” Hakyeon was frowning at him, obviously holding back any remark that had to do with Sanghyuk’s manners. “I learned last year,” Sanghyuk answered. “You learned quite fast. I remember hearing you practice last year and wanting to rip my hair off,” Hongbin sniggered. “But now you’re playing for a band!” “Why saxophone?” Hakyeon carefully timed his question so Sanghyuk could answer before he started eating again. “Just because. No particular reason, really.” But he averted his eyes and pretended to be more interested on his favorite gopchang, which had surprisingly been ordered for him, given that Hakyeon himself did not like it. He sighed subtly, feeling bad because Hakyeon was being nice to him and he was being an ass.  He put his chopsticks down and leaned back as he chewed his food quietly, thinking twice about what he was doing. Hakyeon might have become a little quieter but no way less scary. He wouldn’t want to risk making him snap. But then Hakyeon suddenly chuckled, making the other two look at him curiously. “What, you think it’s funny I’m playing sax?” “No, sorry,” he answered. “I just remembered something funny.” Sanghyuk regretted even asking because he knew what was about to come. “When we were in 3rd grade, Taekwoon had a big crush on our music teacher who played the saxophone. He said it was cool and sexy.” Sanghyuk caught himself in time to stop himself from rolling his eyes. There we go again. He really wished Taekwoon and Hakyeon would stop talking about their early days… or better yet just stop talking about each other. “We were just kids but I was so jealous that I started making a ruckus every music class,” Hakyeon giggled some more, quite cutely, if Sanghyuk was honest - but he was annoyed by it nonetheless. “Glad to know perfect student Cha Hakyeon had a rebellious phase after all. Now I believe you’re actually human.” “Whoa, so you were in love Taekwoon-hyung since you were kids?” Hongbin asked. A faint blush spread across Hakyeon’s face as he sipped his iced tea. But when he put his glass down, he smiled and answered. “Taekwoon almost never talked back then so the other kids thought he was mute and he often got bullied. I proclaimed myself as his only friend and chased the bullies with a yardstick.” “Of course. What a very Cha Hakyeon thing to do,” Sanghyuk groaned. Hongbin threw him a knowing look but he barely noticed. “He later started opening up to me till we actually became friends… and I may have felt possessive when all his attention was suddenly on our handsome music teacher.” “No wonder it was easy for you guys to stay friends after breakup. You go way back,” Hongbin mused. “Hey, we’re friends too, aren’t we?” Hakyeon answered nonchalantly. But then he realized what he said and they stared at each other for a few awkward seconds. Sanghyuk wanted to slam his head on the table. Damn Cha Hakyeon and his ex-boyfriends. Damn himself for always hanging out with them anyway. “Y-yeah,” Hongbin blushed a little. “But I mean you and Taekwoon-hyung are lifelong friends.” Hakyeon smiled - too sweetly for Sanghyuk’s liking. “Yeah. Taekwoon was like a baby chick and I couldn’t help but want to protect him. He was so cute back then.” “He’s still cute now tho.” Sanghyuk suddenly felt his cheeks burn as two pairs of eyes stared at him.  He didn’t even realize he said it out loud. He just suddenly found himself regretting his decision to come out and have lunch with them. “He is,” Hakyeon finally continued the conversation, smiling at Sanghyuk. “But he’s cute in a different way now. Quiet and reserved Taekwoon has a different charm than clingy, childish Taekwoon.” There was a twist that refused to unknot in Sanghyuk’s stomach. There was a Taekwoon that Hakyeon knew and he didn’t. There was a past between the two of them that Sanghyuk could never compete with. “Hey, I’m going to watch Taekwoon’s musical tomorrow. Do you guys want to watch with me?” “I’ve already watched. During his premier night.” Sanghyuk answered proudly. At least that was something he beat Hakyeon into doing first. Why he was even competing, he didn’t know. “Oh, I see.” “You guys watch together,” Sanghyuk turned to Hongbin. “You haven’t watched either, have you?” “Ahh, yeah. But I already made plans with Chanshik for tomorrow. I’ll have to check if we can finish early so I can go with you,” he looked at Hakyeon and smiled before taking a sip of his own juice. “Hmmm…” Hakyeon pursed his lips. “It’s fine if you don’t. I  don’t mind going alone to see Taekwoon.” He picked up what was left of their side dishes and threw a couple of pickled radish into his mouth. At this point, Sanghyuk couldn’t resist anymore. His mind was telling him to shut up but the memo didn’t reach his mouth and he just straight up asked, “Do you ever think of getting back together?” Both Hakyeon and Hongbin choked up and started coughing, turning to face away from each other while wiping their mouths. “Geez, I didn’t mean you two,” Sanghyuk frowned. Cha Hakyeon and his exes. “I meant Taekwoon-hyung.” “Hyukkie!” Hakyeon barely managed to say while hitting his chest and swallowing the sour after-taste. “But now that I think about it, you two seem to be getting along just fine. What were you even doing together today? You didn’t meet up and come all the way here just to see me, did you?” Instead of answering, Hongbin regained composure and turned the teasing back to Sanghyuk. “What’s it to you if they get back together?” “N-nothing. I was just curious.” Sanghyuk looked away, crossing his arms and doing his best to pretend like he didn’t care. Hakyeon and Hongbin exchanged glances, but while Hongbin had this teasing smile on his face, Hakyeon had a gentle look of understanding. “Taekwoon and I are just friends now. He was, and still is, a huge part of my life and he will always be that special friend to me.” Sanghyuk clenched his fists under his folded arms. 
If he was that special to you, why did you leave without telling him anything?
 He really wanted to ask. He really wanted to challenge Hakyeon to still say how special Taekwoon was to him when it was Sanghyuk who had been with him when Hakyeon went off the radar. But instead, a different question came out of his mouth and Sanghyuk really just hated himself at the moment. “H… How do you know if it’s the same for him? What if he’s… What if he wants to get back together with you? He said it himself before, right?" He faced Hongbin, looking for confirmation that he was remembering things right. "He said it's impossible to completely get over Hakyeon-hyung..." "He said that?" Hakyeon asked, surprised, though it was obvious in his smile how flattered he was. Sanghyuk did his best not to frown. Hongbin, on the other hand, blushed at the recollection. That small chat between him, Taekwoon, and Sanghyuk about two years ago ensued because of his lingering feelings for Hakyeon after breakup. He and Taekwoon agreed that the love just kinda stays there, even if it no longer was the same kind. "Yeah, he and Hongbin-hyung said -" "That's not really what we meant when we said that." Beside him, Hakyeon turned and leaned slightly closer, eyeing Hongbin curiously. "What exactly did you say?" "Basically what you just said too! That you'll always be that special friend." Hongbin replied, his face growing redder by the moment. He really didn't like saying cringy things but for the sake of Sanghyuk's peace of mind (and wiping off Hakyeon's smug smile), he had to say it.  "But what if that wasn't what he meant? We both know he was the most upset when Hakyeon-hyung left. What if -" "Hyukkie," Hakyeon chuckled, but he kept his eyes on Sanghyuk and made sure his words get through. “I know that's not the case because I know Taekwoon too well. At this point, we’re just like brothers. Even if I feel anything deeper and try to get back with him now, I’d get flat out rejected." It made Sanghyuk feel just a little bit better. Just a tiny bit. Because he wasn’t completely convinced and even if it was true, he just hated the fact that it bothered him in the first place. He hated that he felt so wary of Hakyeon who had been nothing but nice to him. He hated that he was all too aware of his feelings and yet he just couldn’t accept it. He also hated the fact that he could never really say no to Hakyeon or Taekwoon. Each time they invited him out for dinner, Sanghyuk just had to go with them. Usually, it was Taekwoon dragging both him and Hakyeon out to a new cafe he wanted to try. Sometimes, it would be Hakyeon just wanting to sit by the Han River and order some chicken. Wonshik, Jaehwan and Hongbin occasionally joined them, but more often than not, Sanghyuk was left alone with the ex-lovers turned best friends. He would never say it again after the first dinner, but Sanghyuk did miss Hakyeon a lot. He was his senior at their department and despite not having many common classes together because of the year gap, he was a big influence to Sanghyuk’s dancing. More than that, Hakyeon treated him like family (even though he always complained about being called a baby). He still couldn’t understand why Hakyeon suddenly disappeared for a whole year, but now that he returned, Sanghyuk knew he would do everything to make sure Hakyeon wouldn’t leave them again. Meanwhile, Taekwoon’s family lived far from the metro. He craved company, which Sanghyuk was more than willing to provide, especially after he came back from Japan and Hakyeon was nowhere to be found. It wasn’t like Taekwoon didn’t have other friends. He had quite a handful, yet always, it was their group chat that Taekwoon asked first whenever he had free time and wanted some company. He would usually get ignored or teased in the chat, but Sanghyuk would find himself agreeing to meet with him anyway. Maybe it started then. Hanging out a little too often with Taekwoon. Seeing him more vulnerable whenever he got drunk. Finding out he fell in love during his tenure at Japan and came back to Korea brokenhearted, only to find out his closest friend disappeared without a single word. Maybe he was just like Hakyeon, who found Taekwoon too cute and wanted to protect him until he suddenly found himself feeling possessive whenever Taekwoon seemed interested in someone else. Sanghyuk thought he just felt intimidated and awkward when Taekwoon first brought him backstage after one of his shows. But then he found himself frowning when Taekwoon smiled a too sweetly at one of his co-actors. He unconsciously clenched his teeth when a handsome senior actor happened to be in the same restaurant they were in and Taekwoon invited him onto their table. He realized that with the exception of Hakyeon, Taekwoon had a certain type. It was later confirmed by Hongbin - as once mentioned by Hakyeon - that he was indeed into guys who were a little older and more matured. Sanghyuk couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed since he was a couple of years younger than Taekwoon, and everyone still treated him like a baby. So he did his best to grow up and act as maturely as he could. He used his height and built to look stronger and more confident, until Taekwoon could no longer scare him off with his glares. He refused to let Taekwoon pay for all of their dinners, despite having limited allowance for his daily expenses. However, since Taekwoon sometimes chose restaurants that were a little too expensive for Sanghyuk’s budget, he had to let himself get treated and then promise to buy a meal for Taekwoon next time they go out. It took a while before he started to ask himself why the hell he cared about Taekwoon’s ideal type. Why did he bother himself to look good enough for Taekwoon? He was a straight man and he liked women. He still liked women. He kept telling himself they were just good friends and he just wanted his friends to be happy. Yet every time Taekwoon looked happy because of someone else, Sanghyuk had this ugly feeling inside him that refused to go away. It became more difficult to ignore when Hakyeon returned. Taekwoon’s closest friend, the one who knew him since childhood. The one who knew him best and worst of all, the one Taekwoon missed the most. He was of course happy that Hakyeon came back. A part of him felt relieved that maybe he wouldn’t have to see Taekwoon that often now that his “real” best friend has returned. In his mind, he knew he needed some time away from Taekwoon to sort out his feelings. At the same time, he feared in his heart that maybe Taekwoon would dispose of him now that his company was no longer needed. The thought terrified him. He wanted to be the person Taekwoon would rely on the most. “Hyukkie,” Hakyeon whispered to him before they parted that day. “If you ever need to talk to someone, just give me a call.” Sanghyuk kept his face straight as he stared at Hakyeon’s smiling face. Knowing him, he probably already noticed Sanghyuk’s dilemma. It really was difficult to dislike him when he was so perceptive and so freakin’ kind - just like how Taekwoon said he is. Still, Sanghyuk didn’t want to give in. No matter how much Jaehwan teased him, or how many times Hongbin asked him, he would never admit that he had been feeling confused for a while now. He especially did not want to talk to Hakyeon about it and he wished they would just leave him alone. He wished his feelings would just go away. ~ “Do you still hang out with Sungjae?” Hakyeon asked when they had dinner again the following week. They were sitting side by side on a picnic blanket near Mapo bridge while Taekwoon went to pick up their ordered ramyeon and drinks at the road side. “Yeah. Not so often anymore since he’s in and out of school, training under Jaehwan-hyung’s company.” “Oh? He’s a trainee now?” “Yes,” Sanghyuk answered. “He auditioned last spring and got signed immediately. I think they’re set to debut next year though.” “Ohh… That sounds great. Why didn’t you audition with him?” “I heard they were looking for vocalists. I’m not fit for that.” “You have great singing voice though.” Sanghyuk scoffed. “Have you heard Sungjae sing? That’s the kind of singer who should be a popular idol. Not me.” Hakyeon pulled him by the shoulder so they would face each other. “Hey, when I say you’re good, you’re good, okay? I don’t sing praises just to make people feel better. You sing well, you have a nice voice and you’re great at dancing. You have lots of potential and I’m pretty sure you’d succeed if you ever choose the idol life. The only question is if you want to do it.” “I don’t know.” Hakyeon’s gaze softened at his response. “I see. I’m sure you’ll do great whatever you choose to do.” How to dislike Cha Hakyeon? Sanghyuk just couldn’t do it. “Hey hyung, why did you-” “What about the twins?” “Huh?” “Are you still friends with them? Who have you been hanging out with at uni?” “Yes, I’m friends with them, and there’s a lot of people I hang out with. Why are you asking me this?” Now Sanghyuk was getting confused. “Nothing. I was just curious. Just wondering if you still have many same-aged friends.” “Is that really what you’re curious about? Aren't you asking if I still have straight friends? Are you gonna ask if I had a girlfriend the past year too?” Sanghyuk was suddenly feeling defensive. He wasn’t sure of Hakyeon’s intentions but he had been asked by his straight classmates a little too often if he still hung out with his gay friends. He felt like he was now in a reverse situation and yet the end would still be the same. He would still be asked about his sexuality. Sanghyuk used to proudly answer that he had wonderful friends and he had nothing to worry about because he was comfortable with his own sexuality. There was no way he would fall for a guy. He was so sure and confident until Taekwoon started to confuse him. “Why are you getting worked up? I really was just asking since you seem to always be available whenever Taekwoon and I invite you out.” “What? So are you annoyed now that I’m always third-wheeling on your dates? Why invite me in the first place then?” Sanghyuk inched backwards and frantically glared at Hakyeon. The truth was that even if he already had other plans, he would cancel them so he could make himself available once Taekwoon called him. It admittedly made things worse for him since some of his friends started teasing him about his “sugar daddy”, yet Sanghyuk couldn’t bear the thought of Taekwoon going out with Hakyeon alone. “Hyukkie, can you calm the fuck down?!” Hakyeon raised his voice and Sanghyuk immediately stilled. “I didn’t mean anything. I really was just worried about you!” “I…” Sanghyuk took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I didn't…” “Tell me something,” Hakyeon said sternly. “Are you being bullied? For hanging out with us?” “No!” Sanghyuk answered instantly. “My friends tease, but they don’t bully. It’s not like they can do anything to me anyway. It’s just friendly banter. No need for you to chase people with yardsticks.” “So you do get teased?” “...” Before Sanghyuk could answer, Taekwoon came back with their food - three bowls of ramyeon and side dishes stacked in one bag, and a couple of other snacks and bottled water in another. “Hot, hot, hot!” He exclaimed as he put the bowls down. Hakyeon took the bag of snacks and arranged the contents on their blanket. “I told you we should have just brought hot water and our own instant noodles.” Sanghyuk nagged when Taekwoon made a display of his “swollen” hands from carrying their food. Taekwoon pouted at him. “It’s never as good as ramyeon made by actual cooks. Plus we get delicious sides too.” “Then stop complaining. You’re the one who wanted to order in!” “Ah, but my hands hurt!” He shoved his hands towards Sanghyuk’s face, showing the fading marks of the plastic bag on his fingers. You could have at least helped me carry them!” “You ordered, you suffer,” Sanghyuk chuckled. “You’re so mean! I shouldn’t let you eat then!” Taekwoon pouted even more. Sanghyuk couldn’t help but think about how cute he was. “I’m not hungry anyway. Who told you to order for me?” “Fine! I’ll eat it all up!” Taekwoon grumbled. But before he could grab the bowls, Hakyeon had taken one and handed it over to Sanghyuk. “Yah! He said he’s not hungry!” “You know you’re not going to let him starve, Taekwoonnie,” Hakyeon answered flatly. He grabbed his own bowl and picked up his chopsticks. “And I’m paying for Sanghyuk’s share today.” Sanghyuk’s head snapped towards Hakyeon. “You don’t have to. I can pay for this.” “I know you can. But you don’t have to.” “I’m telling you I’ll pay!” Sanghyuk answered firmly. “It’s just ramyeon. I can afford things like this so you don’t always have to buy for me. You already treated me to lunch last week! I’m not your fckin’ sugar baby.” Hakyeon stared at him. The words sinking in and a sad expression spreading on his face. Sanghyuk regretted his slip, but he tried to brush it off and proceeded to eat. “You’re not, Hyukkie. You’re our friend and we don’t see anything wrong with buying you meals once in a while. But suit yourself.” “I don’t understand. What’s up with you guys?” Taekwoon raised a brow. “What happened while I was gone?” Behind him, Sanghyuk looked back at Hakyeon and shook his head. There was no way he would let Taekwoon find out about his crisis, nor that he was being teased about it. Hakyeon smiled gently at him, then faced Taekwoon. “Nothing. We just talked about how cute you are.” Sanghyuk gasped, his face flushing bright red. Taekwoon grunted. “You’re lying! Really, what did you talk about?” “I’m not lying! Ask Hyukkie!” As Taekwoon turned to face him, Sanghyuk felt his cheeks burn hotter but the darkness of the night thankfully made the blush less obvious. He would never admit out loud how cute he found Taekwoon, but that moment, it seemed like a better option than telling the truth. “I… You did well on your musical. You… looked good.” Hakyeon chuckled, and Sanghyuk wanted to glare at him but he could only fix his gaze on his ramyeon. Meanwhile, Taekwoon kept whining at them for keeping secrets from him. “First you didn’t tell me why you left. Then you dated an idol and broke up without telling me, and now you’re even keeping secrets with Hyuk! I’m always being left out!” “You’re exaggerating again,” Sanghyuk murmured. Normally, he would have scolded Taekwoon for being overdramatic, but his relationship with Hakyeon was something Sanghyuk didn’t think he had a say on. “You’re keeping secrets from me too,” Taekwoon pouted at him, leaning closer. “It’s not like I tell you everything anyway,” Sanghyuk pointed out, but he smiled and playfully shoved Taekwoon’s face away from him. “Just eat. The noodles will get soggy.” Taekwoon whined less after he started eating and he later let go of it when Hakyeon changed the topic to work-related stories. Sanghyuk felt a little relieved. And he was thankful towards Hakyeon for being so understanding and helpful. After Taekwoon dropped him off at his dorm, he even received a text from Hakyeon. 
Hyukkie, what I told you last week still stands. If you need someone to talk to, please give me a call.
 Sanghyuk sighed. Hakyeon really was nothing but wonderful. He knew he needed to talk to someone soon, too, but he just wasn’t ready yet. 
I’ll keep that in mind, hyung.
 
Thank you.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

"Hyuk-ah!"
 
Sanghyuk smiled the moment he spotted Taekwoon standing at the back hall. He and Sungjae had been given a musical backstage pass courtesy of Taekwoon so they rushed in as soon as the curtain call was over.
 
"Hyung! Thanks for taking me along! Woah, I can't believe I'm meeting Um Ki Joon!” Sungjae chattered excitedly as Taekwoon led them to the dressing rooms.
 
It wasn’t new for Sanghyuk to be brought backstage after Taekwoon’s shows, but he was grateful that he got to take Sungjae along with him. His friend rarely had time to relax in between studying and training. Meeting some of his role models was both a good distraction and motivation for his debut.
 
“You were awesome, by the way,” Sungjae added.
 
Sanghyuk just smiled and nodded silently. Taekwoon just looked… ethereal. His French regency inspired costume suited him so well and the way the lights fell on his face made Sanghyuk feel like the rest of the world just faded into the background. He still had bits and pieces to improve with regard to his acting but his singing just melted Sanghyuk's insides while he listened. Sanghyuk thought he paid close attention to the rest of the cast and the musical as a whole, but by the end of the show, all he could remember was Taekwoon.
 
“You don’t need to flatter me. I know you’re thankful,” Taekwoon chuckled.
 
At some point while greeting the cast backstage, Sanghyuk realized that Taekwoon's full attention had been taken by one of his senior actors, leaving him and Sungjae on their own. He didn't really mind since everyone seemed friendly and Sungjae did most of the talking. What he did mind was the way Taekwoon's ears turned red at every compliment from this tall handsome senior. He almost rolled his eyes and gritted his teeth. He hated it.
 
Why did Taekwoon have to like taller, older guys?
 
He hated it enough that he ended up asking both Sungjae and Taekwoon if they wanted to drink for a bit. Well, a bit was an understatement. Sungjae had no control and Sanghyuk was too frustrated that he just let himself get drunk.
 
He felt just a tiny bit worse when Taekwoon suddenly got all excited the moment Sanghyuk jokingly suggested a surprise birthday party for Hakyeon.
 
Sanghyuk could almost see the gears spinning in Taekwoon's brain while he made a groupchat for their friends to organize the damn party.
 
“He’s gonna be so touched,” Taekwoon smiled as he murmured, more to himself than to his drunk friends.
 
"Do you ever smile like that for me?"
 
Taekwoon looked up, surprised at the question. As the designated driver, he only drank a little less than half a bottle so he was still very much sober.
 
Sungjae was already half knocked out and sobbing over something incoherent against the table. Sanghyuk, on the other hand, took another shot of soju. His already normally droopy eyelids looking heavier as he stared at Taekwoon.
 
"Your smile looks so pretty in front of them."
 
"Who?"
 
"You like them so much, don't you?"
 
"What are you talking about?"
 
"Do you like me even just half as much? Do you like me at all?"
 
"Hyuk-ah," Taekwoon's gaze was soft and warm, his voice felt comforting despite the obvious confusion on his face. "You're drunk. But if it makes you feel better, I'm pretty sure I like you more than you like me." His chuckles sounded forced, but his smile was still the cutest Sanghyuk ever saw. He turned back to his phone to continue planning their surprise party.
 
The meaning completely flew over Sanghyuk's head as he sulked over being ignored again. “What’s that supposed to mean? You can't possibly like me more." He poured himself another shot, and then slammed the glass on the table after emptying it. "I like you more than you think I do."
 
At that, Taekwoon looked up again and stared back at him - eyes wide, cheeks flushing redder than Sungjae's drunk state.
 
At the back of his mind, Sanghyuk knew he was messing up. He didn't deny his feelings to himself all this time just to let it all slip in a drunk confession. He never wanted to let Taekwoon know.
 
"I like…"
 
His tongue was loose, and so were the screws on his head.
 
"I like women better though. I only like women."
 
Sanghyuk really was drunk. His senses were dull and his eyelids felt very heavy. But he was pretty sure he saw the lights disappear from Taekwoon's face as his expression fell into a frown.
 
"You're cruel, you know that?" Taekwoon said sternly, turning back to his phone.
 
"Why? What did I do?"
 
"I don't know. You just are," he said without sparing Sanghyuk another glance.
 
"I probably am," Sanghyuk then started giggling. "And you're a big dumb man."
 
"YOU BIG FAT LIAR!" Sungjae suddenly shot up and yelled. And then he slumped down, waving his hands and kicking his feet while he kept sobbing and cursing at someone, Sanghyuk didn't bother trying to understand at all. He just laughed at how stupid his friend looked, throwing drunk tantrums.
 
"A crying drunk and a laughing drunk," Taekwoon sighed. "What did I do to deserve this?"
 
He stood up after settling the bill and hauled Sungjae's arm over his shoulder. "Let's go home." He didn't look back at Sanghyuk, but he paused once in a while to listen to the footsteps behind him.
 
-=o0o=-
 
Sanghyuk barely remembered getting back to his dorm room. His head ached and he had a scratch on his elbow, likely from crawling up to his bed. He also vaguely remembered the things he said to Taekwoon, but he wasn't sure how accurate his memory was. He did wonder if he just imagined Taekwoon's cold shoulder on their way home though.
 
Taekwoon didn't text or call him after that. They talked through the groupchat only because Sanghyuk suggested to give Hakyeon this branded bluetooth speakers that his other dancer friends liked. Hongbin said it was too expensive even if they split the cost though, so Taekwoon said he'd pitch in. He didn't go with them when they bought their present.
 
Sanghyuk didn't hear from him at all until Hakyeon's birthday party. Even as Sanghyuk nagged at him for being clumsy while cutting the cake and handing out plates to the others, he just felt weirdly distant. He didn’t particularly avoid Sanghyuk but he didn't start any conversations with him either.
 
It felt especially weird for Sanghyuk when he said he was leaving. Taekwoon would usually go with him and drive him home. There hasn’t been a time when Sanghyuk went out with their group and Taekwoon didn’t drive him back to his dorm. This time though, Taekwoon didn't say a word. He just stood behind Hakyeon like he didn't plan on leaving.
 
"I'm going," Sanghyuk repeated, as if giving Taekwoon one last chance to go with him. But in the end, Taekwoon stayed back, only sending him a few glances and a deafening silence. Not even a proper goodbye.
 
He bit on his fingernail as he walked to the subway. He wondered if Taekwoon was mad at him after all. Only then did he think back to their conversation a few nights back.
 
Taekwoon said he was cruel. He didn't know why. What did he do?

I like you more than you like me.

Could Taekwoon have meant it /that/ way?
 
He always dismissed his straight friends' teasing that maybe some of his gay friends were in love with him. He never once considered the possibility. For one, they always just treated him like a younger brother that they loved to dote on, even if he hated being treated like a baby. Most of them were in relationships anyway. Taekwoon, despite having been single for as long as Sanghyuk knew him, was no exception. True, he asked Sanghyuk to hang out more often than anyone else, but he never hinted on having any special feelings for Sanghuk. He made Sanghyuk’s heart flutter maybe one or twenty (or fifty!) times, but it was difficult to tell if Sanghyuk had the same effect on him given that Taekwoon was naturally shy and so easily flustered.
 
If Taekwoon meant liking Sanghyuk in a romantic way, did that mean he was hurt when Sanghyuk said he liked women?
 
The warning buzzers pulled Sanghyuk back from his thoughts as he then realized that the train doors were about to close and he was still standing idly on the platform. He hurried to jump in, just in time before the doors closed. (He could hear Hakyeon scolding him for the dangers of jumping through the buzzer.)
 
Sanghyuk sighed. What was he even doing?
 
He really must be crazy if he thought Taekwoon not driving him home automatically meant he was angry. Taekwoon had no obligation whatsoever to always take care of him, especially when he would rather celebrate Hakyeon's birthday.
 
Sanghyuk hissed. The ugly green feeling was back and it was annoying him so much. He needed to stop thinking about Taekwoon and Hakyeon, at least for a while.
 
One week.
 
Sanghyuk told himself he'd quit from Taekwoon for a week. He told their groupchat that he'd postpone his birthday celebration until his exams were over and they respected it, agreeing to just have a simple dinner after his finals. He also told himself he would say no even if Taekwoon invited him to hang out, but he found himself staring at his phone every once in a while, waiting for Taekwoon's message. It was hard not to be disappointed after getting nothing. A single encouraging message for his exams wouldn't have hurt.
 
Come Friday - a day after his birthday, a whole week had passed and he still hadn't heard from Taekwoon. Everybody else greeted him or cheered him up, but Taekwoon had not even opened the chatroom.
 
Sanghyuk realized how accustomed he was to chatting with Taekwoon almost every day. And he badly missed him.
 
"Why don't you go and text him first?" Sungjae said as he sat next to him at the cafeteria.
 
"What? Who?"
 
"Whoever it is you're waiting for," he replied smugly.
 
Sanghyuk rolled his eyes. Sometimes, Sungjae was very perceptive, but most of the time, he was just a big faker pretending he knew everything so he could bait Sanghyuk into telling him.
 
"You're done with your exams?"
 
"”Yeah,”Sungjae groaned. “I don't think I passed. I just winged it and slept over my test paper."
 
"You didn't skip training at all this week, did you? For someone so lazy, you sure work hard to keep attending college even when you don't actually study. At least you have an excuse if you fail your academic subjects."
 
"You do too."
 
Sanghyuk raised a brow, expecting a continuation.
 
"You've been really distracted."
 
Okay, so maybe Sungjae was being perceptive.
 
"Oh! handsome hyung!"
 
"What?" Sanghyuk looked at him with slight panic, only to realize Sungjae was no longer talking to him. He was staring at a distance and waving at someone.
 
"Looks like I'm gonna get free dinner tonight!" He then crossed his legs over the bench and stood up, running towards the blond man, jumping onto his back and poking his sides.
 
Just then, their other friends joined Sanghyuk at the table with snacks on their trays.
 
"Oh, who's that?"
 
Sanghyuk shrugged.
 
"Does Sungjae also have a sugar daddy?"
 
"I thought he was straight?"
 
"He caught the gay from Sanghyuk!"
 
Sanghyuk rolled his eyes, but he didn't bother replying. He was used to it already.
 
"I would appreciate if you don't talk about us that way," Hakyeon's voice turned everyone's head around, including Sanghyuk.
 
"Hyung!"
 
"Sunbaenim!"
 
His friends all stood up to greet Hakyeon, but Sanghyuk remained on his seat. He almost forgot that Hakyeon was a well-respected senior in their department.
 
Hakyeon tapped Sanghyuk to move and make space for him to sit. He smiled at his juniors but his gaze was sharp as he gently scolded them. "You guys love it when your seniors treat you to meals, don't you? And you're becoming seniors yourselves too."
 
"Hyung, they were joking," Sanghyuk nudged him.
 
"I know," his smile faded a little when he faced Sanghyuk, looking a little stricter.
 
"You don't have to scold them."
 
"Oh but I do." Hakyeon turned to the others again. "I'm gay, that's true. But I'm not rich, and even if I am, I only ever treat my juniors decently. Just because someone is friends with us doesn't mean we're spreading the gay. I'd appreciate if you don't joke that way. Not about me nor my other friends who treat Hyukkie and Sungjae well."
 
"We're sorry."
 
"If you understand, that's fine," Hakyeon smiled again, but Sanghyuk just felt annoyed.
 
"You're too much." He stood up, picked up his tray and walked over to the recycling station.
 
Hakyeon sighed and watched him dispose his trash for a few seconds before finally deciding to follow him out of the cafeteria, walking past Sungjae and his handsome hyung.
 
"What are you angry about?" Hakyeon asked as he caught up to him.
 
"You are so overbearing!" Sanghyuk yelled at him. "Did you really have to come here to do that?! I'm fine, I don't need you to defend me from my friends. Can't you just leave me the fuck alone?"
 
"Wow, Han Sanghyuk."
 
Hakyeon usually had the face of a gentle angel, but there were rare times when Sanghyuk looked at him and felt shivers down his spine. Sanghyuk never had that anger directed at him, but he had seen it a few times before Hakyeon graduated and he never wished to see it again.
 
"I didn't come here for you nor did I scold your friends for your sake. Did you think it was fun to hear people talk like being gay is contagious?"
 
Sanghyuk bit his lower lip. Of course, Hakyeon had every right to defend himself, but Sanghyuk had been the center of his friends’ teasing for months now and the more he got defensive about it, the more they teased him. He conditioned himself to just ignore everything.
 
"Hakyeon, is everything all right?" The blond guy approached them, with Sungjae following close behind.
 
Hakyeon didn't reply to him. Instead, he kept his gaze at Sanghyuk as he continued, "I came here to personally bring a collaboration project proposal to the dean. We're planning a charity event for the next semester and I hoped our department could join."
 
Sanghyuk couldn't say anything. He just stared at his feet, trying to ignore Sungjae's questions about what happened.
 
"If you're so upset by what I did, how about you tell your friends to stop their inappropriate jokes instead of waiting for someone to feel insulted? I sure as hell would never let my friends hear that from anyone. Especially not Taekwoon."
 
Sanghyuk raised his head and glared at him. He knew Hakyeon was right but why the hell did he have to bring Taekwoon up?
 
"Minhyuk, let's go. Sungjae, I'll see you around."
 
He slammed a tiny box wrapped in fancy paper against Sanghyuk's chest as he walked past him. "Happy freakin birthday."
 
The gift fell on to the ground because Sanghyuk failed to catch it. He stared at it for a long while before he managed to crouch down and pick it up with a sigh. He didn't have it in him to open it after what just happened.

"Just go apologize," Sungjae told him after he heard the story. "Truthfully, if I heard what they said, I'd give them a word too. You know our friends could be insensitive and to be honest, their gay jokes are getting old. We're not even gay."
 
"I know that," Sanghyuk muttered. Hakyeon had been very level-headed until Sanghyuk blew up at him. He was way out of line and he needed to apologize. He just didn't know how.
 
"Maybe ask Taekwoon-hyung?"
 
"What?"
 
"Well, they're bestfriends, right? Maybe he would know best how to go about it."
 
Sanghyuk gripped his hair. He still hadn't talked to Taekwoon and he didn't know how to do it now. He never wanted to tell Taekwoon how he was being teased by his friends and especially not that he fought with Hakyeon over it. Maybe Hongbin could help him instead? He's been pretty close with Hakyeon lately.
 
Then again, if he needed a reason to talk to Taekwoon, Hakyeon probably was the best excuse.
 
He let another day pass, contemplating what to do, but nothing really changed. His belated birthday dinner with them was supposed to be on Sunday, but since it was Hakyeon who arranged everything, he wasn’t sure if it would still push through. He didn’t really care about the dinner. He just wanted to fix everything.
 
So with a heavy sigh, he sent Taekwoon a message asking if he was free to talk. When he saw that the message still hasn't been opened after an hour, he sent another one saying it was important.
 
Taekwoon finally replied after about fifteen more minutes, telling Sanghyuk to come over to his place.
 
Sanghyuk gulped. It wasn't so much as going to Taekwoon's apartment that made him so nervous. He had been there before and he even slept over a couple of times. Sanghyuk just felt like it had been so long since they properly had a conversation.
 
"Hyung, I'm here," he called through the intercom. He knew the passcode but he didn't want to just come in even if Taekwoon said he could.
 
To his surprise, a middle-aged woman opened the door for him. "Hello!" She smiled at him. "I'm Taekwoon's mother," she held out a hand for a shake, and Sanghyuk promptly took it.
 
"Hello, uh… nice to meet you. I’m Han Sanghyuk," he replied with a polite bow. Sanghyuk felt his heart beating even faster. He was nervous enough to see Taekwoon again after more than a week of no contact. Now he was also meeting his mother. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were here. I'll just… come back another time."
 
"Oh no, no, don't worry about me. He told me his friend was coming over and I'm leaving soon anyway. Taekwoonnie's just at the bathroom."
 
She made Sanghyuk sit at the living room and then prepared tea for him.
 
When Taekwoon came out of the shower, he was just wearing a bathrobe, a small towel over his dripping hair.
 
Sanghyuk almost spat his tea. He had never felt so awkward and hyper aware of his surroundings before. He could hear his heartbeat, his pulse strong at the back of his ear. He bit his lower lip and fixed his gaze at the teacup. This really wasn't what he went there for.
 
"Ah you're quick. I thought you'd arrive later." Taekwoon said as he casually walked over. "I'll just go get changed."
 
"Okay," was Sanghyuk short and tensed reply.
 
"I'm leaving," his mother announced. She then picked up her handbag and took out her car key. "Ahh!" She exclaimed upon finding something else inside.
 
"I have these tickets for a dance troupe concert. I thought you might wanna watch with Hakyeonnie? It was his birthday recently, right?"
 
Taekwoon walked over to check the tickets. "I already gave him these as a present. I'll tell him you sent greetings though."
 
Sanghyuk suddenly looked up. A present?
 
"Oh okay. Do you want it then?" She turned to Sanghyuk.
 
"Uhh… I..."
 
Before he could answer, Taekwoon shoved the white envelope onto his hand. "There are two tickets inside. You can bring a girlfriend with you."
 
Sanghyuk frowned. There was something about the way Taekwoon said it that was getting into his nerves.

"You gave Hakyeon-hyung concert tickets? For his birthday?" He asked as soon as Taekwoon's mother had left.
 
"Yeah." Taekwoon walked towards one of his closets and grabbed some clothes. Sanghyuk looked away while he changed but he couldn't stop asking.
 
"Why did you pitch in for the speakers then?" Sanghyuk clenched his fists against his lap. He couldn't explain why it made him so frustrated. Angry, even. He and Hongbin could have just bought a different gift that was within their budget without Taekwoon’s help.
 
"I thought it was a good gift. I wanted him to have it."
 
"But you already bought the tickets? I guess he's that special for you to give him two presents."
 
"Hakyeon would have wanted the speakers. But the tickets would go to waste if I just threw them away."
 
"You could have just given them to someone else?"
 
"If you wanted them, now you have it. Treat it as your birthday present too."
 
Sanghyuk felt his ears burning from frustration. There was a sting of pain in his chest as he stood up. "That's not the point!" He hated himself for being so petty, but he couldn't stand the feeling of being so insignificant that not only did Taekwoon not greet him on his birthday, he was also giving him something that was meant to be for Hakyeon.
 
"Well, what is the point?" Taekwoon had finished changing his clothes and turned to look at him point blank. "Why did you come here, Hyuk-ah?"
 
Sanghyuk blinked. He almost forgot he was there for Taekwoon's help - to apologize to Hakyeon.
 
It was so frustrating, wanting to just walk away and keep being angry, but his rational side won over his pettiness this time. Hakyeon had done nothing wrong and he did not deserve to be caught in the middle of Sanghyuk's storm of insecurities.
 
Sanghyuk took a couple of deep breaths until he managed to open his fists and relax again. "I'm sorry," he muttered and sighed heavily before walking towards Taekwoon. "I'll help you dry your hair."
 
Taekwoon didn't say anything but he sat on his dresser chair and let Sanghyuk pick up the blower. They kept silent for a couple of minutes, the wind from the blower being the only sound in the room.
 
When he was done drying Taekwoon's hair, Sanghyuk put the blower down on the table and then let his hands rest on Taekwoon's shoulder. They stared at each other through the vanity mirror for a while until Taekwoon raised a hand to pat one of Sanghyuk's.
 
Sanghyuk looked at Taekwoon's soft, slender fingers on top of his own calloused ones. He decided he liked the feeling of it. Unfortunately, his brain decided to talk about something else.
 
"Your mom knows Hakyeon-hyung? They seem close?"
 
"We've been friends since we were kids. And we dated for three years. Naturally, my parents would know him."
 
"They know you dated? They're okay with it?"
 
"My parents liked Hakyeon when we were kids. None of the other kids wanted to be my friend so they thought it was adorable how he used to declare that he liked me a lot." He squeezed Sanghyuk's hand briefly before withdrawing his hand.
 
Sanghyuk glanced at him and frowned subtly at the loss of his touch. And of course he just had to talk so sweetly about their past.

Except it wasn't as sweet as Sanghyuk thought it was.

"But when they found out I was dating a guy in high school, they suddenly looked at him differently." He crossed his arms over the table and leaned away from Sanghyuk.
 
"My dad said he infected me with his gayness."
 
Sanghyuk felt cold sweat beading on his temples. His hands dropped to the backrest of Taekwoon's chair and he gripped it tightly as he listened to Taekwoon.
 
"I wasn't even dating Hakyeon back then, but my dad just… blamed him for everything. He said if I just stopped being friends with him, I'd be straight again. My mom didn't say anything but she stopped inviting Hakyeon over and avoided his family too."
 
"I'm sorry, hyung, that's horrible."
 
And Sanghyuk truly felt horrible. His guilt over the fight with Hakyeon weighed heavily on his heart as he began to understand just how offended Hakyeon must have felt.
 
But more than feeling empathy for them, he felt more… scared.
 
Real and raw fear. Like every thought he had ever since he started having feelings for Taekwoon was being put out there in the open. Into words. Into someone's reality.
 
He hasn't even completely accepted his feelings, and maybe he never would accept them. But if his parents found out, would they react the same way? Would they blame his friends? Especially Taekwoon?
 
Would his friends mock him? They probably would laugh and say they had been right all along. Had he been infected after all? Was he passing it down to Sungjae as well?
 
"But," Taekwoon glanced at him for a brief second. "When my ex cheated on me, my dad scoffed at me. He said if I was going to date a guy, I should have just dated Hakyeon, since at least he was a good gay."
 
"A what?"
 
Taekwoon chuckled. "They said Hakyeon would never hurt me."
 
"So you just dated him?"
 
"I didn't date him because of that. Hakyeon really was just special, you know?" Taekwoon straightened up and leaned against the backrest again. Their eye contact still only maintained through the vanity mirror. "I haven't introduced anyone else to my parents after him. I'm pretty sure they're either hoping I've returned to being straight or just waiting for me to date Hakyeon again."
 
Sanghyuk stepped back. He turned slowly and walked across the room to sit on the couch again, picking up his long forgotten teacup. His hands trembled as he asked, "Return… to being straight? Is that possible?"
 
"No," Taekwoon answered while watching him. "It's not an infection or a disease that could be cured. You feel what you feel."
 
Sanghyuk winced upon drinking. The tea had gone cold and tasted slightly more bitter.
 
"Whether it's a man or a woman, you can't change how you feel just because the people around you say so."
 
"I figured," Sanghyuk muttered. If it was possible, he would have stopped his feelings for Taekwoon long time ago. "You could just hide it though? Why go through all that trouble?"  
 
Even as he asked that, Sanghyuk wondered how long he could keep his feelings in. He placed his teacup back on the table and reached for a throw pillow to hug close to his chest instead.
 
"That's true. You could always choose to hide it. There would always be questions in your head. Do you want to keep it from people close to you? Are you scared they won't accept you?"
 
Sanghyuk suddenly found himself staring right into Taekwoon's eyes. He knew they were talking hypothetically, but somehow, he also felt like Taekwoon was straight up asking him these questions.
 
"Is there someone you want to be with? How much do you like that person? Do you think he'll hold your hand through it all? Do you think it's worth all the trouble?"
 
Sanghyuk couldn't breathe. He wanted to throw the questions back at Taekwoon.

How much do you like me? Do you want to be with me? Would you hold my hand?

"It's not always a yes for everyone and that's all right."
 
"It is?"
 
"Ideally, it's best to not care about what others think, but everyone has a different circumstance and we can't really judge their choices."
 
Sanghyuk hugged the cushion tighter. Both his head and his heart ached just thinking about everything.
 
"I was lucky my parents eventually accepted me. It took a while, but they did. I don't openly tell my co-workers but I don't mind people finding out. Wonshik hasn't told his family. Jaehwan's knows but he has to hide it from the public. Hongbin is still fighting with his dad up till now. Only Hakyeon really had been accepted by his family since he was young, but he's also the one who experienced the most difficulty when it comes to public judgement and discrimination."
 
"Hakyeon-hyung..." Sanghyuk - no matter how insecure and jealous he was, always had mad respect for Hakyeon.
 
"You can't blame him for being protective of his friends."
 
Sanghyuk gulped. "Did he tell you what happened?" If Taekwoon knew of the fight, he would be doubly ashamed of how he acted.
 
"He didn't go into details." Taekwoon stood up and walked halfway across towards Sanghyuk. He put his hands inside the pocket of his sweatpants and just stared at Sanghyuk. "What exactly happened?"
 
"He really didn't do anything wrong. I'm just extra sensitive about things lately."
 
"I noticed." Taekwoon unconsciously quirked a brow, making Sanghyuk feel even more embarrassed.
 
"I just… I hate feeling like people need to protect me, or spend for me. As if I can't do anything on my own. But Hakyeon-hyung was protecting himself and his friends, that just happened to include me… and I lashed out on him."
 
"Still not giving me details? Then what do you want me to do?"
 
"I really don't know. I just know I need to apologize to him but I don't know how."
 
"You have a lot of pride, Hyuk-ah."
 
Sanghyuk bit his lip.
 
"You don't like me to pay for your food, you don't like to receive free things, and you don't like people treating you like a kid." Even with the distance between them, he towered over Sanghyuk who was still sitting on the couch, feeling so small for getting scolded. "But sometimes, you act like a total kid."
 
"I know. I'm sorry." He looked up at Taekwoon, shame all over his face.
 
"Anyway, Hakyeon isn't a complicated person. And he likes you too much to stay mad at you. I'm sure he would understand if you just talk to him properly. I'll call him over for dinner. Go buy some banana milk to bribe him and apologize to him in person. Then ask him if he wants to see the concert with you. Take a date with you so you won't just be thirdwheeling."
 
Sanghyuk squinted at him. He appreciated the help, but he couldn't help feeling bothered that Taekwoon has told him to /date/ someone twice that day already. And did he just openly call Sanghyuk a thirdwheel?
 
"So you're really tired of me thirdwheeling on your dates, huh?"
 
"Where did that come from?" Taekwoon groaned when he realized what Sanghyuk meant. "I'm not watching the concert with Hakyeon. He's taking his co-worker with him."
 
"Oh…" Sanghyuk heaved. His jealousy was surfacing again. At this point, he wasn't sure what scared him more - being gay or losing Taekwoon to Hakyeon.
 
"You're thinking of something stupid, aren't you?" Taekwoon frowned.
 
Sanghyuk fidgeted with the corners of the throw pillow. "It still stands, I'm just a thirdwheel to you, aren't I? Since he came back..."
 
"Don't be silly," Taekwoon was almost glaring at him. He took a few steps forward, but still kept his distance from the couch. "I didn't drag you around with me for you to fill in for Hakyeon while he was gone. It's not like you can replace him."
 
Sanghyuk pursed his lips, his eyes shutting close as Taekwoon's words  cut through his heart like a thousand blades.
 
It hurt so much that the next few words almost escaped him.
 
"And Hakyeon can't replace you either. Get that through your thick head."
 
The words sank in slowly - just as slowly as tears pooled around the corners of Sanghyuk's eyes.
 
"You're so dumb, Hyuk-ah."
 
Sanghyuk looked up at him. Taekwoon's forehead creased in frustration, his eyes looking sharper than normal, lips thinning to a frown. Sanghyuk wiped his face dry before his tears could even fall. He put the throw pillow aside and stood up, taking a few steps towards Taekwoon. "You've been upset with me for awhile now, haven't you?"
 
"Not particularly." Taekwoon's eyes shifted to his left as he avoided Hyuk's gaze.
 
"I'm sorry," Sanghyuk took a single step forward, afraid that Taekwoon would move away. "For whatever I said that night. When I got drunk."
 
"You didn't say anything that warrants an apology."
 
"You haven't talked to me since then."
 
"I got busy. I knew you were too."
 
Bullshit.
 
"Not even to wish me goodluck or greet me happy birthday? You're the cruel one, hyung," Sanghyuk said, clearly remembering how Taekwoon said the same thing to him that night.
 
Taekwoon didn't answer. He just completely faced away from Sanghyuk and sighed.
 
"You didn't even get me a gift?" Sanghyuk frowned. He knew he was being petty again. A birthday gift should be the least of his worries.
 
"You don't like accepting things from me."
 
"A birthday gift is different!" Sanghyuk clucked his tongue. "Forget it. I'll accept the concert tickets from your mom."
 
Taekwoon glanced at him quickly before looking down again. "I bought you a gift but I have a feeling you won’t accept it so I’d rather just keep it.”
 
“Give me,” Sanghyuk demanded.
 
Taekwoon looked at him again - longer this time - a little too sharp and maybe a tad threatening. “If you’re asking for it, you can’t reject it.”
 
Sanghyuk blinked, a smile slowly spreading across his face. He didn’t know if it meant Taekwoon wasn’t upset with him anymore, but he’d gladly accept his gift.
 
Taekwoon turned back to his dresser. He pulled a slim velvet box from one of the drawers and then walked back towards Sanghyuk. His face flushed red as he held it out, waiting for Sanghyuk to take it. It was adorable how shy he looked that Sanghyuk almost chuckled.
 
The laughter was caught in his throat though, when he noticed an expensive jewelry brand written on the side of the box. Sanghyuk hesitated. His friends probably pictured something like this whenever they called him a sugar baby - always receiving expensive gifts and being treated to luscious meals. Their voices were noisy and wild at the back of Sanghyuk’s head.
 
Taekwoon was already glaring at him, the hand holding his gift slowly dropping to his side. Just when he was about to turn around and put it back to his dresser, Sanghyuk grabbed his hand.
 
“I’ll take it,” Sanghyuk whispered. “Because it’s a birthday present, right?”
 
Taekwoon just hummed.
 
“Just a birthday present,” Sanghyuk whispered more softly to himself, as if convincing himself that there was no deeper meaning behind it. Still, his heart raced when he opened the box.
 
Inside was a rose gold bracelet. At first look, the chains just looked plain, simple, and elegant enough for a man like Sanghyuk. But when he took it out for a closer look, he noticed intricate moon and star patterns on the side. Engraved at the bottom of the hook was the date of Sanghyuk’s birthday - small and barely noticeable but it had that special touch that told him it really was made for him and not just a throwaway gift for someone else.
 
“Hyung… This is…” Sanghyuk stared at Taekwoon, who still stood at an arm’s length. He didn’t dare ask how expensive it was. The fact that Taekwoon expected him not to accept it told him enough. He felt a little burdened. The thought of wearing something so beautiful and expensive terrified him. For Taekwoon to give him jewelry as a present, it must mean that he was a little more special than he thought he was, right? And still Sanghyuk didn’t know if he would be scared or happy.
 
What if Taekwoon did like him romantically? How else was Sanghyuk supposed to deny his own feelings?
 
Sanghyuk put the bracelet back inside the box and closed it.
 
“Aren’t you going to wear it?”
 
“Not today, hyung.” It hurt Sanghyuk to watch Taekwoon nod dismissively and say it was all right and that he didn’t even need to wear it at all - ever. Of course, that’s also just part of Taekwoon being overly dramatic, but Sanghyuk understood that he would have wanted him to wear it. What’s an expensive jewelry supposed to do at the bottom of Sanghyuk’s messy dorm cabinet?
 
Sanghyuk reached out to grab Taekwoon’s wrist with his free hand while still clutching the jewelry box on the other.
 
“Hyuk-ah?” Taekwoon let himself be pulled slowly.
 
When they were close enough, Sanghyuk leaned down and let his forehead rest against Taekwoon’s left shoulder. He didn’t hug Taekwoon but he kept holding his wrist tightly.
 
“Thank you,” he said as he closed his eyes.
 
“You’re welcome?” Taekwoon turned his head to look at him, but due to their position, he could only see the back of Sanghyuk’s head - and his flushed ears.
 
Sanghyuk thought he heard Taekwoon sigh. With his ear so close to the side of Taekwoon's neck, he could also feel his pulse racing, probably just as fast as Sanghyuk's heartbeat too.
 
"I'm sorry, hyung…

I'm really truly very sorry."

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Sanghyuk stared at an unfamiliar ceiling as he woke up. It took a couple more minutes before he willed himself to get up and look around. He was in a small studio apartment. The curtains were left with a small opening that let some sun rays in, telling him it was a lot later than he thought it was.
 
The space next to him was empty, pillows neatly arranged near the headboard. On the bedside table was a note.

Had to leave and didn't want to wake you. Text me if you wanna meet for coffee or sth. Goodluck! :)

He was mostly in a daze on his way home - his parents’ house. It was like a brain shutdown, just staring into space and not thinking of anything. It wasn’t until he got back to his old bed that the sinking feeling in his gut began to make its presence known again. He had been doing a good job ignoring it since the day he received Taekwoon’s gift, but sometimes, it just wasn’t possible.
 
He grabbed a pillow and buried his face as he curled up like a helpless child. But Sanghyuk wouldn’t cry. It would be pathetic to lose to his emotions now after holding on for so long. He clutched his pillow close and took a deep breath, recalling everything that happened since he last saw Taekwoon.

Taekwoon kept his word and invited Hakyeon over for dinner so Sanghyuk had the chance to properly apologize. Hakyeon still had this stern look on his face but he hugged Sanghyuk tightly. None of them talked about the obvious issue at hand, and Taekwoon, for the most part, acted like usual. He may have been twice as clingy towards Hakyeon than usual, but Sanghyuk did not dare say anything. Whatever jealousy he felt, he had no right to complain since he couldn't even accept his own feelings yet. It was pretty much the same scenario on his birthday dinner. Taekwoon offered to drive him and Hongbin home, but unlike their usual routine, he dropped Sanghyuk off at his dorm first instead of Hongbin, so they had no chance to talk alone. Well, even if they did, he wasn't sure what to say.

He wanted to ask what exactly was happening between them, but it sounded weird even to his own ears. Even if Taekwoon gave him answers, what was he supposed to do? It might have been  best to hold it off for the meantime.

He decided not to pursue part time jobs in Seoul and just go home to Daejeon for the semestral break. Maybe it was time for his much needed break from Taekwoon as well.

Maybe if he stayed away long enough, his feelings will disappear too. Maybe if he spent more time with other people, met up with some of his old friends, he’d feel like the same old Sanghyuk before he started having feelings for a guy.

One specific reunion with his high school friends eventually lead to meeting an old crush. It started from their friends teasing, knowing Sanghyuk had a really huge crush on her during their freshman year. She was surprisingly taking it well, saying if only she knew, they could have dated. Sanghyuk blushed, both thrilled and embarrassed. He liked her a lot. And if he didn't meet Taekwoon, he probably would not even hesitate to make a move on her now.

But he had met Taekwoon. And even if he ordered his brain to take that step "back" to liking women, images of Taekwoon's face as he handed him the bracelet haunted him.

He dismissed his friends' teasing and just stayed on the friendly side until it was time to go home and they were left alone since they were going the same direction. It was late and Sanghyuk felt obliged to walk her home.

"I hope you don't mind," she said as they started walking. "I wasn't trying to flirt or anything. I was just riding along."

"Uh… Yeah, of course," Sanghyuk answered awkwardly. "I'm sorry you got dragged. They know I haven't dated anyone since senior year."

"Oh?" She stared at him curiously. "More than three years? Haven't moved on?"

"Nah," Sanghyuk sighed, as subtly as he could.

"Hmmm, seems like you have someone in mind," she smiled smugly. "Unrequited?"

“Would have been easier if that was the case.”

“Ah… Unspoken love?”

Sanghyuk instinctively turned to look at her, mouth falling slightly open as he thought of denying, but then he fell short of words, realizing it was probably an accurate description of his situation.

“Bull’s eye,” she chuckled. But then she sighed. “I wish confessions weren’t so scary.”

“Do you want to confess to someone?”

“I have,” she sighed even deeper. Then she looked at Sanghyuk. “It’s annoying, you know? There’s nothing more frustrating than knowing the other person likes you too but they couldn’t say it.”

Sanghyuk gulped. It was almost certain that not only Taekwoon knew, Hakyeon and their other friends probably have at least noticed his dilemma too, if Jaehwan’s teasing looks and Hongbin’s occasionally leading questions were any indication. And still he couldn’t admit it.

“Why can’t you just confess?” She asked, frowning at him. She then went on about how it just hurts both parties and how pointless it was to hold back.

“It’s not that simple. There’s just so many things,” Sanghyuk answered, not really sure how to explain without mentioning that it was a guy he had feelings for.

She stopped walking in front of an apartment building, presumably her place, but she turned to face him completely. “Like what?” Her tone raised slightly, obviously taking out her frustrations on him. “If it’s not unrequited, what’s stopping you? Are all those other things more important than that person? Aren’t you just being a coward?”

“Well, maybe I am!” Sanghyuk yelled, feeling just as frustrated. They glared at each other for a while, until she took a deep breath, stepped back, and apologized. She looked away as tears welled up at the corners of her eyes, and Sanghyuk just felt really sorry. He wondered if Taekwoon maybe felt the same way as she did.

“Anyway,” she pointed at the building behind them and forced a smile. “That’s my place.”

“Okay,” he patted her shoulder and said goodbye. But as he turned and started walking away, he suddenly had this stupid idea. If… Just if… he spent some more time with her, would it make a difference for both of them? Would they feel better?

So he turned back and saw that she was still standing there, staring at him.

“Misery loves company?” She said with a shrug.

And so Sanghyuk ended up in her apartment, barely managing to text his parents that he’d sleepover at a friend’s house. It was a bit of a blur how the rest of the night passed. He just knew he was doing what most people expected a guy like him would do - hookup with a pretty girl, and not chase after his guy friend.

And yet it just didn't feel right. Sure, there was that slightest bit of comfort being with her, but they both knew it was just momentary warmth. They were both longing for someone else and even as Sanghyuk held her, he could only think of Taekwoon.

~
 
Sanghyuk clutched his pillow tighter. His knuckles hurt and he wanted to throw up, but he managed to fall asleep somehow while still trying to set aside the ugly feeling inside him. He didn't feel any better when he woke up. In fact, he felt worse.
 
He missed Taekwoon.
 
They haven't talked since his birthday dinner. Their group chat was less active except for Hakyeon and Jaehwan occasionally exchanging cute stickers. Whenever the others asked to hang out, Taekwoon only ever responded to say he was busy.
 
He stared at Taekwoon's user ID on his phone. Sanghyuk wanted so badly to just text him directly but he still had nothing to say. So instead, he scrolled through his contacts and invited his newest close friend out for coffee.
 
Sanghyuk spent the rest of the sembreak hanging out with her. It was refreshing to hang out with a female friend after spending most of his time with both straight and gay guys. It was comfortable because they knew they were not expecting anything from each other and they even opened up more about their predicament.
 
"Just go confess. If it doesn't work out in the end, I'll be your rebound," she said jokingly over one of their cafe hang outs. It was Sanghyuk's last day in Daejeon.
 
Sanghyuk looked at her. "What about that person you like?"
 
She shrugged. "I don't think she'll ever come around. I'll have to move on at some point."
 
She.
 
Sanghyuk couldn't help but stare. She just smiled at him, as if that was enough answer to what he didn't ask. It wasn't like he hadn't figured out yet, but he was still surprised that she said it out loud. Sanghyuk remained to talk in gender neutral pronouns.
 
"Then you're the one making me your rebound, aren't you?" Sanghyuk joked back, trying to keep the mood light.
 
They both chuckled. But then she turned serious again and looked him sharply.
 
"I'm telling you," she said before she sipped her coffee. "Even if you can't be with that person, at least tell them how you feel. They deserve to hear it from you."

Sanghyuk was not convinced. For one, he was far from ready to admit he was in love with a man. Secondly, even if he did accept that he /could be/ gay, he was too scared to ruin their friendship. Then again, he knew he already messed up. Taekwoon hasn't said anything out loud either, but their dynamics has definitely changed and Sanghyuk just wanted them to be comfortable with each other again.

I'm coming back tomorrow~ Anyone up for lunch?

He sent to their groupchat.
 
He watched the number go down as the others read his message and replied. Jaehwan already had plans with Wonshik. Hakyeon was busy preparing for enrolment and the new semester, and Hongbin had a field assignment which would take him til late afternoon.
 
Sanghyuk bit on his finger as he waited for Taekwoon. The number had been gone for a few minutes already, meaning Taekwoon had read his message.
 
His shoulders dropped when the message finally popped up.
 
Taekwoon was apparently babysitting his nephew and already made plans to take him to the park.
 
Sanghyuk sent a sad sticker and said he'd just be at his dorm if anyone ever becomes available. He scoffed as he looked at Taekwoon's message again.
 
"If he was going to say no anyway, what took him so long to reply?" He sulked, knowing full well he was being petty.
 
Just when he put his phone down, it lit up with a notification.
 
A private message from Taekwoon.
 
Sanghyuk gasped as he stared at it.
 
"We're having lunch at the park. Do you want to come with us?"
 
For a moment, Sanghyuk forgot to breathe. He was finally going to see Taekwoon again and they were going to the park. Sounded good to him. Plus Taekwoon's nephew was a cute little kid, based on what Sanghyuk heard from him. Taekwoon always had the purest, most beautiful smile when surrounded by cats, dogs, and children.
 
Sanghyuk hurriedly replied to say he would love to go with them. The excitement kept him from sleeping. He planned to ask his mom to help him prepare some kimbap for their little picnic, but he woke up too early and ended up making it all by himself, albeit not without cutting his finger while cutting the vegetables.
 
He didn't stay one second in his dorm and literally just dropped his baggage on his bed before running out to wait for Taekwoon at the park.
 
The sun was high at noon when Taekwoon arrived, a little boy in tow on one hand and take-out food on the other. Sanghyuk stood up from the swing he had been sitting on and ran towards them, greeting them both with a wide smile.
 
"Did you wait long?"
 
"Not really," Sanghyuk answered. In reality, he had been waiting for more than thirty minutes but he didn't bother mentioning since it was him who arrived early.
 
They settled under the shade of a tree near the artificial pond and the children's playground. Sanghyuk helped lay out their picnic mat while Taekwoon opened the bag of take-out food.
 
Lunch was quite energetic. Taekwoon's nephew was very talkative and Taekwoon was an indulgent uncle. Sanghyuk couldn't help but smile as he watched them talk to each other. Taekwoon sounded infuriatingly cute with his baby talk whenever he teased the child.
 
They were almost done eating when Taekwoon noticed the container box Sanghyuk hid behind him.
 
"What's that?" He asked as he reached out.
 
Sanghyuk shyly pulled it out. "Errrr… I made kimbap this morning… but it probably isn't good and we have all these food anyway."
 
Taekwoon took it without waiting for him to finish speaking. He opened the box and picked a piece to feed his nephew, and then took one for himself too.
 
His nephew made a funny face. "It tastes… kind of strange," he said before going back to eating his fried chicken.
 
Sanghyuk blushed in embarrassment, but Taekwoon took another piece and ate it.
 
"It's good," he said. "I like it."
 
Sanghyuk bit back a shy smile as he took one for himself to eat. It wasn't exactly good but it wasn't bad either. He knew Taekwoon would eat any food in sight and he was just being considerate complimenting Sanghyuk, but it made him feel really happy.
 
"Don't force yourself to eat it," Sanghyuk chuckled as Taekwoon took more of his homemade kimbap. "It's fine if we don't finish it."
 
"I told you I like it," he said while staring straight into Sanghyuk's eyes.
 
Sanghyuk felt his face heat up. There was something in Taekwoon's warm gaze that just really overwhelmed him. He avoided meeting Taekwoon's eyes for the rest of their lunch but he couldn't help stealing a few glances every now and then.
 
They rested for a bit after eating before the kid said he wanted to play. Sanghyuk stayed behind to watch their things while Taekwoon played with his nephew and the other kids in the park. He just seemed like he really enjoyed playing with children. The whole time he could only think of how cute Taekwoon was as un uncle. He wondered what he would be like as a father.
 
A father.
 
Sanghyuk paused at the thought. He wanted kids of his own someday, too. It was a fleeting thought, but he chose to put it aside at least for that moment.
 
"Hyuk-ah! Come here!" Taekwoon called him towards the pond after some time. Sanghyuk walked over to check what Taekwoon was pointing at.
 
Swimming in the pond were three ducks.
 
"They look like you!" Taekwoon chuckled.
 
“They don’t,” Sanghyuk frowned. But the more he pouted, the more the kids laughed and pointed back and forth between him and the ducks.
 
“Cute,” Taekwoon muttered.
 
Cute. Sanghyuk didn't specifically liked being called cute, but somehow, it made his heart flutter. He raised a hand to fan himself, knowing full well his ears were turning red. “It’s hot here. I’m going back,” he said as he pointed to their shaded haven. But one of the kids grabbed his hand and pulled him to play with them. Taekwoon’s nephew specifically asked to ride on his shoulders, to be the knight in shining armor on a big sturdy horse. Sanghyuk willingly obliged. They screamed after the other kids who were supposed to be the monsters terrorizing the kingdom. Taekwoon watched fondly from the side for a while before joining in and taking up the role of the big bad monster to fight with the knight.
 
His attacks came in the form of kisses on the cheeks of his beloved nephew, which meant he had to grab onto Sanghyuk and pull him close to reach over to the child. Sanghyuk couldn’t count the number of times he got flustered by the sudden closeness, but he had a duty as the brave knight's loyal horse. So he squared up his shoulders, securing the child’s position as he held one of his little hands which gripped on his hair. They each used their free hands to either push Taekwoon back or poke him where they could reach him. Sanghyuk often targeted his spleen or his tummy, earning him small whines from Taekwoon.
 
As soon as he was “defeated”, Taekwoon retreated back to their mat to rest. The children still had tons of energy to keep playing but his bones ached and he was starting to feel hungry again.
 
“You’re ruthless,” he whined at Sanghyuk when the latter joined him under the tree. “My sides hurt.”
 
Sanghyuk laughed. Expect Jung Taekwoon to overreact to the slightest pain. Sanghyuk poked him once again, and he let out a groan as he “fell” to his side.
 
“Grandpa,” Sanghyuk teased. Taekwoon stayed lying on the mat, but he looked up at Sanghyuk and pouted.
 
“You kids play some more then.”
 
Sanghyuk chortled. He turned his gaze back to watch over the kids playing tag and blowing some bubbles into the air. “I’d rather stay here,” he said. There was a twinge on his chest but this time, it didn’t feel as horrible as it had been during his break. Instead, it felt rather bearable - maybe even comfortable, with a hint of both excitement and nervousness while he sat next to Taekwoon’s curled up figure on the mat.

They deserve to hear it from you.

Sanghyuk couldn’t. At least not yet. But he could try something else.
 
“You seem to really like children.”
 
“Aren’t they cute?” Taekwoon sat up again. He smiled as he watched his nephew laugh with his new friends.
 
“You’d make a good father.”
 
Taekwoon stared at him. “You too.”
 
“Don’t you ever think of having your own children someday?”
 
“I do,” Taekwoon turned back to watch the kids. He anchored his arms and leaned back as he stretched and crossed his long legs over the grass. “I’d love to have lots of kids.”
 
“But you don’t plan on taking a wife, do you?”
 
“I think you’d know the answer to that,” he replied with a grunt.
 
Sanghyuk leaned back as well, mirroring Taekwoon’s position. “So you'd… adopt? Or get a surrogate?"
 
Taekwoon shrugged. "I don't know. I'll think about it when I get there." He glanced at Sanghyuk briefly before throwing the question back at him. “What about you?”
 
“Huh?” Sanghyuk looked at him.
 
“Didn’t you find a girlfriend during your break? Someone who could be your wife in the future?”
 
Sanghyuk swallowed with a bit of a difficulty, but this was exactly what he expected when he started the conversation.
 
“...”
 
He took a deep breath before forcing the words out of his mouth. “I slept with someone.”
 
Taekwoon turned his head so suddenly that it almost shocked Sanghyuk. He stared at him, eyes filled with pain, and betrayal, and maybe a little bit of anger.
 
For a moment, Sanghyuk regretted telling Taekwoon. Causing him pain was the last thing Sanghyuk wanted to do. Still, he didn’t want to hide it from him. He needed to tell him the rest of the story anyway.
 
“We didn’t date,” Sanghyuk pushed himself to continue. “We’re good friends now, but we’re not likely to date each other.”
 
“Why not?” Taekwoon asked quietly, still not taking his eyes off Sanghyuk.
 
“Truth be told, she’s really my ideal type. Smart, fun, and cool. She could even play games with me. It’s just…” He clenched his fists and bit his lower lip for a second. He glanced at Taekwoon, but he felt too embarrassed to keep the eye contact that he almost immediately looked away. “I like someone else.”
 
He heard Taekwoon take a deep breath. From his peripheral, he could see the other man leaned forward, expression changing a little, still probably hurt but less angry and more curious.
 
Sanghyuk drew his hands to his front and fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. “I… I can’t tell that person yet. There’s so much I can’t explain that’s holding me back...  But I know I like them and I can’t like anyone else. No matter how many pretty girls I meet, I could only think of that person.”
 
Taekwoon hummed, as if contemplating for a response. It took a while before he took another sigh and asked, “So do you plan on telling telling them in the future?”
 
“I really don’t know,” Sanghyuk shamefully admitted. He finally looked at Taekwoon, feeling incredibly sorry but Taekwoon deserved to know the truth and this was as honest as Sanghyuk could get. “I feel really sorry towards that person. It must be difficult for them to deal with someone like me. I know I’ve made them upset many times already. That’s why I can’t ask them to wait for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there. If I'll ever come into terms with how I feel...”
 
“I don’t think that’s for you to decide,” Taekwoon replied. “If they want to wait for you, they would, even if you tell them not to.”
 
“What if they’re waiting for nothing? What if they just get hurt?”
 
“Still not for you to decide. If they were scared of getting hurt, they wouldn’t get involved with you in the first place. If they get tired of waiting, they’ll stop. But as long as they’re not pressuring or pestering you, let them wait for you to be ready as much as they want.”
 
Taekwoon looked away as he said the last sentence, and Sanghyuk suddenly wondered if that meant anything. Did Taekwoon think giving the bracelet was pressuring? Did he stop texting him to avoid pestering him?
 
There was warmth spreading from his gut up to his chest as he thought about everything Taekwoon said. He was just so considerate and kind. Though for all the wise words and good advice he’d told him, Taekwoon was still like an adorable child sometimes - with his cute little pout and jittery fingers.
 
“I wish they would pester me a little bit more, you know?” Sanghyuk smiled. He couldn’t help staring at Taekwoon’s hand which by then was unconsciously tapping on their picnic mat. He wanted to hold it so badly.
 
When he looked up again, he realized Taekwoon had been staring at him and likely noticed what he had been thinking.
 
“What happened to your hand?” He reached for Sanghyuk’s hand and gently ran a finger below the bandaid wrapped around his index finger.
 
“Ahhh… I cut myself earlier while making the kimbap.” Sanghyuk tried to hide the way his breath hitched. At this point, both of them were blushing and they both just decided to ignore it.
 
“So clumsy,” Taekwoon frowned at him. “Don’t bother going into the kitchen if you’re just going to hurt yourself.”
 
“It’s just a small cut.”
 
“It’s just a cut now, you might burn the house next time.” Taekwoon scolded him, shaking his wrist quite violently. “Did you treat this properly? What if it gets infected?”
 
Sanghyuk hissed, and then laughed. “You’re exaggerating as usual.”

It’s okay now,

he told himself. His heart was thumping and he was still scared of saying and doing things out in the open, but at least for that moment, Taekwoon gave him an excuse. So he gave in and slipped his hand out of Taekwoon's grasp in favor of grabbing and stilling the latter's hand instead. He bit back a smile as he squeezed Taekwoon’s soft, pale hand.
 
“It’s fine. I’m all right, hyung.” He ran his thumb down the back of Taekwoon’s palm and squeezed lightly again before putting both their hands down on the mat. “I’m fine.”
 
“You sure?” Taekwoon grinned back at him.
 
“Yep. Never been better.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The semester passed quite quickly for Sanghyuk. Now that he was a senior student, he no longer had the luxury to slack off. He took a full load and joined the performing group for the charity concert Hakyeon was organizing to get some incentive grades on his major subjects. Other than a cafe part-time job, he was also still joining a few music gigs to earn extra money.
 
It was quite hectic so he and his friends barely had time for weekend parties or gaming hangouts. Most they could do was have a quick dinner after some cram study sessions. Since Sungjae took a leave of absence to focus on his idol group debut, Sanghyuk almost never saw him either.
 
The only reason he often saw Hakyeon was because of their rehearsals. Other than that, he almost never had time to meet with their other friends.
 
Taekwoon was of course, an exception.
 
It was probably the only thing that didn't change. Well, they couldn't keep hanging out for dinner twice a week like the previous semester, but Sanghyuk made sure he made time to see Taekwoon at least once every two weeks. They stopped inviting Hakyeon after the first few tries since they knew he was busy and couldn't join them (or so Sanghyuk told himself), so it was just the two of them going out often.
 
It became a comfortable routine to Sanghyuk. His university friends lay low on teasing him after getting told off by Hakyeon, and he always had the simplest excuses to ask Taekwoon out. He needed help on his music subjects, tips for job seeking, opinion on his performances. Taekwoon just willingly indulged. Sometimes, he gave Sanghyuk the reason he needed for them to hang out. More often than not, he would also find an excuse to hold Sanghyuk's hand, at least for a few seconds. He'd find the slightest dirt, or the smallest mosquito bites and then keep holding his hand while he nagged about taking better care of oneself. Other times, he would just say he's cold and Sanghyuk's hands were warm.
 
It was the night of the charity concert when Sanghyuk was unexpectedly shaken out of his comfort zone again. 
 
Taekwoon’s presence was both comforting and pressuring. On one hand, Sanghyuk felt at ease that he could easily spot Taekwoon in the audience from the very moment he stepped onstage. On another, he felt slightly more nervous, knowing that Taekwoon was watching him. He wanted to look good. He needed to look good.
 
“Where’s Hakyeon?”
 
Sanghyuk did his best to not growl when he met with Taekwoon after the show. The latter only gave him a pat on the shoulder with a single congratulatory greeting before asking for Hakyeon. Of course he understood that it

was Hakyeon’s event.

Sanghyuk was a mere performer for a show that Hakyeon put together. Still, he couldn’t help but feel a little upset.
 
“It’s been a while since I saw you dance.” There was a hint of longing and pride in Taekwoon’s voice as he hugged Hakyeon. They spontaneously agreed to go out for some drinks afterwards.
 
Sanghyuk knew the ugly green feeling in his stomach was running wild the whole night but he didn't realize how much he glared at Hakyeon for the smallest touches between him and Taekwoon. 
 
“Hey,” Taekwoon found him outside the resto-bar restroom halfway through their celebration. He was leaning against the wall, waiting for Wonshik to come out.
 
“Hey,” Sanghyuk muttered as a reply. He maybe drank a little too much and was just a tiny bit tipsy - both the alcohol and the ego got into his head. When Taekwoon leaned next to him against the wall, Sanghyuk frowned. He couldn’t glare at Taekwoon the way he did at Hakyeon but it didn’t mean he wouldn’t try, even if all it did was make him look pouty and cute.
 
Without thinking, he grabbed Taekwoon’s hand. 
 
“W-what?” Taekwoon asked with surprise. It had become quite normal between the two of them, but Sanghyuk always needed excuses and always waited for Taekwoon to hold him. It was the first time Sanghyuk took his hand first.
 
“Am I not allowed to do this? You always hold my hand for dumb reasons.” Sanghyuk whined. “You’re only paying attention to him all night,” he mumbled, not realizing he could still be heard.
 
“Idiot,” Taekwoon chuckled. He shifted his hand so he could intertwine their fingers.
 
Their faces were already slightly red from the alcohol, but Sanghyuk could feel his cheeks and ears grow warmer while Taekwoon rubbed the back of his hand with a thumb.
 
"Whatever is going through your head, don't take it out on Hakyeon," Taekwoon gave him a small smile. "He's a really good friend of ours."
 
"Who said anything about Hakyeon-hyung?" Sanghyuk rolled his eyes. Truthfully, he knew what Taekwoon meant, but it just annoyed him to think about it. "I don’t know what you’re-"
 
Whatever he was about to say was cut off when the restroom door suddenly opened. Sanghyuk instinctively shook Taekwoon’s hand off and turned around, only to find Wonshik standing in front of him. 
 
“Ar-are you done?” He asked Wonshik, who was still standing by the door. His hands trembled while Wonshik stared at him sternly. He felt like he was being examined from head to toe when in fact, Wonshik had only been shifting his gaze back and forth Taekwoon and him. Finally, he stepped aside to let Sanghyuk into the restroom, not saying a word but letting out a sigh.
 
Sanghyuk hurriedly went inside, pointedly avoiding Wonshik’s eyes. He did, however, caught a glimpse of Taekwoon’s face right before he closed the door.
 
He just looked… hurt.
 
“Shit,” Sanghyuk cursed himself as he repeatedly hit his head on the doorframe. “Shit, shit, shit.”
 
Whatever jealousy he had been feeling over Hakyeon was completely replaced by guilt and regret. He was the one who decided not to take that next step with Taekwoon because he was comfortable with the way they were. And yet there he was, getting consumed by jealousy while unintentionally hurting Taekwoon.
 
Sanghyuk groaned as he washed his face with cold water.  He just felt so dumb and pathetic. He wished he didn’t have to face Taekwoon when he opened that door again, but he also knew he had to apologize.
 
“That took a while,” Taekwoon said when he finally stepped out of the restroom. His face had been rid of any expression, leaving his usual stoic look.
 
“Sorry, I uhhh… drank too much.” Not a lie, but still not entirely the truth.
 
Taekwoon just hummed in response.
 
“Hyung…” Sanghyuk almost raised his hand. He was aching to hold Taekwoon, but he restrained himself to his guilt. “I’m sorry… about earlier… This whole thing, I just-”
 
“Forget it.”
 
“No, hyung. I’m just… I’m sorry. I was kind of drunk and I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t mean to…”
 
“Hyuk-ah,” Taekwoon cut him off again. “I mean it when I said forget it. It’s fine.” He gave him a light tap on the shoulder, urging Sanghyuk to step away from the restroom so he could go in.
 
“Is it really?” Sanghyuk mumbled. He really wanted to ask himself that. Was it really okay?
 
“Hey,” Taekwoon faced him again, a pursed smile on his lips.“I’m not complaining, am I? I never said anything because I’m not expecting anything from you. It’s fine.”
 
That didn’t really make Sanghyuk feel better. How come he expected a lot from Taekwoon when Taekwoon couldn’t do the same because he knew Sanghyuk couldn’t give him a definite answer?
 
“If I get tired of it all, I’ll let you know. In the meantime,” Taekwoon continued. “My hand is free for you to hold whenever you want to.” His face was notably a shade redder before he went inside the restroom and closed the door.
 
Sanghyuk felt his heart skip a beat. Even despite his guilt, Taekwoon just never failed to make his heart flutter.
 
It was very short-lived though. By the time they called it a night, Sanghyuk’s shame and self-blame was eating him up. It didn't help that Wonshik insisted on driving him home.
 
“Han Sanghyuk! Ride with me.” Wonshik yelled when they exited the bar. Normally, it would have been Jaehwan and Hakyeon in his car while Sanghyuk and Hongbin rode with Taekwoon. “Jaehwan’s riding with his manager in their company car.”
 
“But… My dorm is out of your way,” Sanghyuk reasoned, trying not to glance at Taekwoon, who was calling for a substitute driver since he drank more than what would be allowed for driving.
 
“It’s fine. I’ll drive you there.” He then asked Hongbin if he wanted to go with them. Sanghyuk thought it was strange how he gave Hongbin a choice but not him. Hakyeon was also given no choice and was told to ride with Jaehwan. Hakyeon’s co-worker (and their new friend), Minhyuk, refused to ride with them since his apartment was just nearby.
 
“What’s up with you?” Hongbin asked when they got into the car. He sat at the shotgun while Sanghyuk took the middle backseat. Wonshik ignored the question and just told Sanghyuk to buckle up.
 
“You’re in for a rough ride, kid.” He warned in all seriousness.
 
“I think I’m getting scared for my life.” Hongbin said. “Are you sure you’re not drunk?”
 
“I’m not,” Wonshik answered. He stared at Sanghyuk through the rearview mirror and waited until his seat belt was fastened before starting the engine and driving off.
 
Sanghyuk was just about to ask if he was in trouble when Wonshik dropped the bomb on him.
 
“So, you and Taekwoon-hyung,” he started, startling both Sanghyuk and Hongbin. “What exactly do you have in mind for both of you?”
 
“I… What do you mean?” Sanghyuk knew what Wonshik was asking, but he couldn’t think of what to say. None of his friends ever directly confronted him about it.
 
“Don’t play dumb with me, Sanghyuk. Don't think I didn't see you shaking his hand off earlier.”
 
“Wonshik, please don’t.” Hongbin tried to intercept, despite looking disappointedly at Sanghyuk.
 
“Sorry, dude. I’m going to give him the tough love he needs.” Wonshik glanced at Hongbin, and then looked at Sanghyuk again through the mirror. “Everyone’s tiptoeing around you because Hakyeon-hyung told us to be understanding and gentle so you could come into terms with how you feel in your own time. But fuck, all you’ve done these past three months is drag it on and glare at the very person who’s been trying to protect you.”
 
Sanghyuk cleaned his fists around his seatbelt. He admittedly hadn’t made the best decisions, but he felt it was unfair for him to be put on the spot like that. It wasn’t like it had been easy for him… Was it?
 
“You don’t know anything,” Sanghyuk said through gritted teeth. What annoyed him more was that Taekwoon assured him everything was all right and he could take his time. Hakyeon seemed to understand as well, so what right did Wonshik have to say these things to him?
 
“I don’t know anything about how you feel because you refuse to talk to any of us about it, that’s true.”
 
Sanghyuk tried not to flinch despite the rise on Wonshik’s tone. Hongbin sighed, cautiously watching both of them.
 
“But I’ll tell you one thing I know. That shit you did earlier, Taekwoon-hyung must have told you it’s okay because he doesn’t want to burden you, but it’s really not okay. I know because Jaehwan had to let go of my hand more times than I can count.”
 
“Why don’t you confront him about it then?” Sanghyuk retorted. “Don’t take it out on me.”
 
“Because I understand it’s the nature of his job.” Wonshik ran a hand through his hair and then gripped a handful in frustration. “Besides,” he growled at Sanghyuk. “I know what I am to him. I know he loves me, Sanghyuk. No matter how many times he lets go, I know he would take my hand again." He emphasized each word as if it was a slap on Sanghyuk's face. "What is Taekwoon-hyung to you?”
 
Sanghyuk’s eyes grew wide as the question sank in. Beads of cold sweat were forming on his temples and his knuckles were turning white while gripping his seat belt too tightly. He was still gritting his teeth, but he wasn’t sure anymore if it was out of anger at Wonshik or at himself.
 
“You’ve basically been dating him, haven’t you? You just don’t want to make it official because you don’t want to be called gay. Well guess what, Sanghyuk, you ARE gay.”
 
“Kim Wonshik! You need to shut up now!” Hongbin suddenly yelled, but Wonshik still continued.
 
“I don’t care what you want to call yourself. You can claim to like girls all you want, but you need to accept that you’re in love with a man right now. If you need a label that badly, you should know you’re far from being straight.”
 
Sanghyuk wanted to puke - not because of how much alcohol he drank, but because of how terrible he felt inside. He wished he hadn’t agreed to ride with Wonshik and he really wanted to jump out of the car. He just hated Wonshik - an irrational hate for voicing out what Sanghyuk had been trying to deny for months, maybe even more than a year now.
 
At this point, Hongbin scrambled to reach for Wonhik and slap his mouth with a hand. It was a difficult feat given Hongbin’s short arms, but he succeeded once and then pinched his ear. Wonshik whelped, but he screamed at Hongbin that he wasn’t going to stop.
 
“You should be the one talking to him since you’re bisexual! He would relate to you better!”
 
“It’s not that simple, you idiot!” Hongbin screeched and Wonshik screeched back at him asking why. “Sanghyuk knew everything about my worst relationships. Did you think that would have encouraged him?!"
 
“Even so! That has nothing to do with Taekwoon-hyung!” 
 
Wonshik and Hongbin kept arguing loudly, almost as if they had forgotten Sanghyuk was there and it was about him in the first place. 
 
“You…” Sanghyuk finally spoke again. He glared at Wonshik through tear-filled eyes. His hands felt numb as he finally opened his palms and let go of his seat belt, arms falling limp on his sides.He just felt so drained. “You talk like it’s so easy, but it’s really not, is it? You haven’t even told your family that you’re gay, much less about Jaehwan-hyung.”
 
Wonshik sighed. Hongbin also let go of his ear and just settled back on his seat again, observing how Wonshik would react.
 
“Look,” Wonshik’s tone was considerably calmer. “I’m not saying you should come out and announce it to the whole world. You don’t need to tell everyone. You don’t even need to tell us if you don’t want to. I mean we already know because you’re fuckin’ obvious, but for fuck’s sake, at least tell Taekwoon-hyung! Don’t go around just being vague about everything. Tell him you're

actually

in love with him. Date secretly as much as you want, but cut it out with your petty excuses. At least to him, Sanghyuk. At least to Taekwoon-hyung, be clear about what’s going on between you guys. Stop dragging this on.”

They deserve to hear it from you.

His friend’s voice echoed in Sanghyuk’s head. How many times had he been told this, and yet he stubbornly refused to do so. He tried to indirectly tell Taekwoon before, but maybe Wonshik was right. All it did was give Sanghyuk a kind of comfort that he had taken for granted the whole time. He felt like the pressure was off his shoulders so he got content with their setup and stopped thinking about what he should actually do.
 
“I know it’s scary, Hyuk. It really is. And I hate to be the one to tell you this, but if you’re just going to let your fears hold you back, then just let him go and tell him straight up that it’s not going anywhere. Don’t take his hand when you know you’re just going to let go in the end. Taekwoon-hyung deserves better than this.”
 
“Fuck, Wonshik, I swear to god, Hakyeon-hyung is gonna kill you!” Hongbin groaned as he facepalmed. “Have you ever considered that Taekwoon-hyung is actually okay with it? That he's happy right now and you're taking it away from him? It isn’t our place to decide for them.”
 
“Isn’t it?” Wonshik asked rather calmly. “Then you’re okay with just watching Taekwoon-hyung get hurt? Maybe I'm being a jerk for cutting their happiness short, but the longer it takes, the higher hyung's hopes will get and the more painful it would be when Sanghyuk finally decides he can't stand by him.  I’m sorry, but I’d rather they both hate me for saying this. I’ll just be that asshole friend.”
 
“You’re right,” Sanghyuk muttered, surprising Wonshik by his agreement. “You are an asshole, Kim Wonshik,” he added with a sigh. It didn't have the bite he wished it had. As much as he really hated Wonshik that moment, he knew in the end, Wonshik was right. Every point he made was something Sanghyuk had thought about but always chose to brush aside. He had been too happy and content the whole semester, he hadn’t even thought of how Taekwoon must have felt.
 
The rest of their ride was quiet but tensed once Wonshik was done with his lecture. Hongbin kept glancing worriedly at Sanghyuk, but the latter didn’t want to bother anymore. He just felt really tired. His heart ached just thinking about everything. 
 
“Hey,” Wonshik called before he got out of the car at the dormitory driveway. Sanghyuk was tempted to just ignore him and leave, but he glanced at Wonshik anyway. “I’m sorry for the way I talked to you, but I won’t take back anything I said.”
 
Sanghyuk took a deep breath before stepping out of the car, still holding the door open. He really understood what Wonshik was trying to do but it just didn’t make him any less mad. 
 
“Don’t tell them about this,” he turned to Hongbin instead. “Taekwoon and Hakyeon-hyung. Don’t tell them what happened.”
 
“Hyuk, that’s-”
 
Sanghyuk looked at him sternly. “Just don’t.”
 
“Okay.” Hongbin reluctantly agreed.
 
Sanghyuk  didn’t get to sleep that night despite his exhaustion. He wanted to stop thinking already but he just couldn’t. Everything that happened during the day just kept replaying inside his head.
 
Wonshik was right.
 
He needed to end whatever it was he was doing. And he needed to do it soon.
 
-=oOo=-
 
The days after the concert, Sanghyuk got himself more occupied. He got another late-night part time job at a convenience store where he could sneak in studying for his exams during slow periods.
 
It was a few minutes past midnight when Sanghyuk sat hunched behind the counter, going over his class notes. There was a knock on the counter table and he looked up to find Taekwoon putting down a noodle cup and a couple of sausage sticks. Sanghyuk froze for a couple of seconds, wondering if he was that tired and was hallucinating. Then again, the store was near Taekwoon’s neighborhood so it wasn’t impossible for him to be there.
 
“Hurry up, I’m hungry.” Taekwoon pointedly looked at his purchase and then pushed them towards the barcode reader.
 
“Right, sorry.” Sanghyuk scrambled to get up and punch the items in. Taekwoon took one of the sausages and ate it immediately as soon as it was accounted for.
 
“Work finished late?”  Sanghyuk inquired as he watched Taekwoon walk towards the hot water dispenser for his cupped noodles.
 
Taekwoon just hummed, getting excited by the smell of his instant noodles. He settled on one of the indoor tables. Sanghyuk decided to close his notes and sit with him instead.
 
“I didn’t know you changed jobs.”
 
“Oh… I still work at the cafe. I just got this as an extra. I guess I forgot to tell you.”
 
“Thought you forgot to talk to me all together.” 
 
Taekwoon kept his gaze down on his food as he kept eating but Sanghyuk could feel his scrutiny anyway. He had admittedly been distant and barely managed to send Taekwoon a message saying he would be busy with a couple of things before almost completely ignoring his texts. All invitations to meet rejected. He would send an occasional good morning or good night sticker about once a week, after which he wouldn’t reply to whatever Taekwoon would say in response.
 
“I told you I would be busy.” Sanghyuk sighed. “Are you angry?”
 
“No, not at all,” he replied as he bit down the sausage stick a little to eagerly.  But then he also sighed. “Just thought you'd tell me you were working near my place. I mean… not like I’d come here just to see you, but you could have told me. Why do you need another job anyway?”
 
“Errr… Well, I’m graduating soon and my parents would eventually stop giving me allowance so I need to save up.”
 
“Any plans after graduation?”
 
“I’m joining this dance crew my senior invited me to. He’s working out a schedule for me to audition. But it’s still not a full time job, so I might have to keep bussing tables.”
 
“Hmmmm…”
 
“Are you asking because you’re afraid I’ll disappear like Hakyeon-hyung?” 
 
Taekwoon momentarily paused from eating and then leaned back, staring at Sanghyuk. “I’d be lying if I said I’m not worried. It’s like you’re doing everything he did back then. Full load, more part time jobs than you can handle, slowly cutting off contact...”
 
“I’m not him. I won’t do that. And I’m not cutting off contact with you. I’m just really busy!” 
 
It was the first time Taekwoon ever compared them. Usually, it was just Sanghyuk who one-sidedly competed with Hakyeon - even if he would never admit to it. On one hand, it hurt his pride that it even crossed Taekwoon’s mind. On the other, he was quite pleased to know that Taekwoon didn’t want him to disappear.
 
“On your birthday,” Sanghyuk suddenly said after a moment of silence. “I’m free on your birthday. I mean… if you want to celebrate or anything… with me.”
 
“I already made plans.” Taekwoon smiled at him. He leaned forward again to continue eating, but before Sanghyuk’s expression completely fell, he added, “The weekend after? My parents just bought this villa in the countryside. We can go for a weekend trip. There would be enough snow to ski.”
 
An overnight celebration. For a moment, Sanghyuk felt flustered, but then he realized it couldn’t possibly be just the two of them.
 
“You already invited the others?”
 
“I already talked to Jaehwan. I was planning to tell the group chat this afternoon but I got busy with work.”
 
“If Jaehwan-hyung is going, Wonshik will be there too.” Sanghyuk sighed.
 
“Likely, yeah. Why?” Taekwoon had finished eating. “Did you guys fight?”
 
Sanghyuk shook his head. “It’s nothing. Anyway, I’ll make myself available.”
 
“Good.” Taekwoon grabbed his bottled water and stood up. 
 
“I’ll see you then.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Cold.
 
That was the only thing Sanghyuk could think of as they got off Taekwoon's car. The snow had stopped falling but the wind blew cold on their faces.
 
From the other car, Wonshik, Jaehwan, and Hongbin came out, carrying a few bags of snacks and some booze. Sanghyuk sighed as he went to get their share at the trunk of Taekwoon's car.
 
"There are four rooms, all with double sized beds," Taekwoon told them once they got in. "The master's bedroom is off limits so we have three for ourselves. And before you think of anything," he faced Jaehwan and Wonshik who were already latched to each other by the arm. "The walls aren't that thick so please save us from the trauma."
 
Jaahwan chuckled. "Because we're here for your birthday, we'll behave ourselves."
 
"Good." He then faced the other three. "So the other two rooms…" Before he could finish, Hakyeon had placed a hand on his shoulder and Hongbin grabbed Sanghyuk's arm.
 
In a different scenario, Sanghyuk would have no complaints being roommates with Hongbin. It wasn't Hongbin he had a problem with - it was the fact that Taekwoon will be with Hakyeon.
 
"Okay," Taekwoon said as he picked up his bag. It kind of annoyed Sanghyuk that he had no objections at all.
 
"Wait!" Sanghyuk began to protest.
 
"You don't want to be roommates with me?"
 
Sanghyuk could see the panic in Hongbin's eyes. He turned to see the same look on Hakyeon's face, who clutched Taekwoon's sleeve tightly. 
 
Strange, he thought. 
 
"I…" Well, he didn't need to be roommates with Taekwoon. In fact, he didn't think he should. "I'll  go with Hakyeon-hyung."
 
It earned him a groan from Wonshik, but Sanghyuk didn't care. At least both Hongbin and Hakyeon seemed to relax and the latter let go of Taekwoon's sleeve.
 
"What's up between you and Hongbin?" Sanghyuk asked when they got inside their room.
 
"Hmmm? Nothing." There was something suspicious about that superficial smile, but Sanghyuk didn't have the chance to probe because Hakyeon immediately went into the bathroom to wash his face.
 
"Have you made up with Wonshik?" He asked when he came back.
 
"Wh- Did Hongbin tell you?" Sanghyuk frowned.
 
"No. Wonshik did. He knew he deserved some beating. And don't worry, we didn't tell Taekwoon."
 
"You beat Wonshik up?" Sanghyuk turned on his bed and started unpacking some of his things. He honestly could have punched Wonshik in the face if he wanted to. He didn't need Hakyeon to do it for him. Still, the idea felt kind of cathartic.
 
"Just a little arm choke and a noogie head," Hakyeon sat on his side of the bed and watched Sanghyuk. "There wasn't much I could do since it wasn't me he tried to force out of the clo-" he paused, biting his lower lip. 
 
"I'm not gay, hyung.” Sanghyuk groaned as he sat on the bed as well.  “I don't like men."
 
"Yeah. Sorry."
 
"It's not men." Sanghyuk glanced at him for a quick second before sliding down on the bed and covering his face with a pillow. "It's just him. Just Taekwoon-hyung..." **
 
Hakyeon was stunned for a whole minute before he managed to react - a big smile on his face as he lay next to Sanghyuk and tried to get the pillow away. "Did I hear that right?"
 
"Yes, but go away. Or else I'm never talking to you again."
 
Hakyeon sat up again, keeping enough distance to not seem too eager. "Does that mean you've already decided? You know what to do?"
 
"I don't know," Sanghyuk screamed into the pillow, muffling the sound. He heard Hakyeon sigh so he lowered the pillow enough to take a peek. As expected, Hakyeon had this disappointed look on his face. "I… have something in mind, but… I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared of hurting him."
 
"I can't tell you what to do, Hyukkie. But..." Hakyeon patted his shoulder. "If you're going to break his heart, at least let him enjoy this weekend."
 
He stood up, picked up his skate bag, and walked towards the door.
 
"Hyung," Sanghyuk called as he pushed himself up again.
 
"Hmmm?"
 
"Just… Thank you. And sorry for everything. Honestly, I wouldn't have met the others if you didn't take me along with you to Jaehwan-hyung's party years ago.  I'm sorry that I've been acting… errr… strange towards you."
 
"Okay. Gratitude and apology accepted," Hakyeon smiled. "Are you saying you're gonna stop glaring at me?"
 
Sanghyuk felt his face heat up with embarrassment. "I really didn't mean to…"
 
"I know, Hyukkie. I know." He chuckled again as he looked at Sanghyuk. "Go freshen up and meet us downstairs."

When Sanghyuk got down, everyone was already at the living room, ready to go. Taekwoon brought them to the nearby resort where they spent the rest of the day. Jaehwan and Wonshik of course took the chance for a romantic cable car ride over the snowy hills. Not surprisingly, Hakyeon got into his skates and went straight to the rink. Hongbin refused to go on the ice and insisted on just keeping himself warm inside the nearby cafe. Taekwoon, on the other hand, rented skates and had Hakyeon teach him how to at least not fall on his flat butt. Of course, this meant he just clung on to Hakyeon for the whole hour they spent inside the rink. 
 
Sanghyuk skated with them for half an hour before getting tired and annoyed of seeing Taekwoon's hands tightly wrapped around Hakyeon's arm.
 
In the end, he went skiing alone, trying his best to ignore the strong desire to drag Taekwoon away with him. Jaehwan and Wonshik joined him later on, and this time, he had to resist the urge to walk away from them.
 
"Are you still mad?"
 
"I'm not. I just don't want to talk to you."
 
"Doesn't that mean you are mad?"
 
Sanghyuk hissed. He kicked the snow towards Wonshik with his ski. It surprisingly reached Wonshik's face, who got back at him by splattering the snow with his ski poles. They kept going at it until it turned into a full blown snow fight, with Jaehwan joining in just for fun. By the end of it all, Sanghyuk felt better and even laughed hard when Wonshik tripped and dunked his face onto the snow. They didn't talk about the fight anymore, although Wonshik still looked like he wanted to ask what he was going to do now.
 
Dinner was ready when they got back to the villa. The caretaker had cooked for them and told them Taekwoon's mother would be dropping by the next morning to bring them lunch.
 
The six of them never went to MTs and college acquaintance parties together because of their different courses and year. Sanghyuk only ever got to go with Hakyeon once, so he almost never saw how competitive the others were when playing group games. 
 
Sanghyuk was just as competitive. But he couldn't keep his head on the games when he was busy telling his brain not to mind the way Taekwoon and Hakyeon seemed to be joint by the hips all night. It was just frustrating, no matter how much Sanghyuk tried to ignore it. More than just losing a few games, Sanghyuk couldn't help but drink his frustrations away.
 
By the time Jaehwan insisted on playing the dumbest, lamest game of the night - the very old fashioned spin the bottle for truth or dare - Sanghyuk was very, very drunk. He wanted to escape, afraid that he would say something unnecessary, but he also couldn't leave, seeing as Taekwoon had become slightly tipsy as well - his noodly arm around Hakyeon's shoulder most of the time, his lips noticeably touching Hakyeon’s ear whenever he leaned in to whisper something. He just couldn’t leave them.
 
So the six of them sat together in a circle. Wonshik, standing by his role as the asshole friend, immediately sat on Taekwoon's other side, leaving Sanghyuk with no choice but to sit next to Hakyeon.
 
Hakyeon threw him a few apologetic looks, and to his credit, he occasionally pried Taekwoon's hands off himself too. Sanghyuk felt bad that he still couldn't get rid of his jealousy even if he knew Hakyeon was nothing but supportive of him.
 
"Hyukkie boy! Truth or dare?" Jaehwan chirped - the self-appointed game master.
 
"Dare," Sanghyuk slurred, avoiding any chance of confrontation about his feelings for Taekwoon again.
 
"Go around the room on handstand!"
 
"He's drunk." Hakyeon said. "Isn't that dangerous?"
 
"Hmm… Okay, just handstand for five seconds."
 
Piece of cake. Sanghyuk could do handstands even in his sleep. Then again, he almost forgot how drunk he was. It took all of his energy to just stand up. He didn't feel the dizziness up until he flipped himself upside down and accidentally kicked Hongbin who stood behind him to make sure he didn't fall. 
 
He could see Taekwoon's worried expression when he finally managed to sit on the floor again. His vision was spinning and Hongbin handed him a small plastic bag in case he had to vomit. Thankfully, he managed past the critical stage after keeping his head still and the dizziness slowly subsided.
 
"Next up," he raised a hand, even though he could barely open his eyelids. He then reached for the bottle and spun it.
 
"Oho! Taekwoon-hyung! This must be fate!" Jaehwan excitedly yelled when the bottle stopped at Taekwoon, who glanced at Sanghyuk before choosing dare as well.
 
"Spin the bottle and kiss whoever it lands on."
 
For once, Sanghyuk was not alone in his protest. Wonshik was first to complain. "Kiss where? What if it lands on you?"
 
"Shikkie, it's just a game. He can choose to kiss the nose or the neck?"
 
While Wonshik was busy complaining about Jaehwan and Taekwoon's auditorium kiss years ago, it didn't escape Sanghyuk's eyes how Hakyeon unconsciously ran a hand on his ridiculously long neck, as if he was contemplating whether he was okay with it or not. Sanghyuk almost scoffed. Fat chance the bottle would point at him, right?
 
Beside Hakyeon, it seemed like Taekwoon also decided it was okay with him, so he reached for the bottle and spun.
 
"Nose is fine," he said. "If it lands on me, it's a pass."
 
Sanghyuk groaned. Nothing was fine for him. Especially not the way his stomach was twisting while he watched the bottle spin.
 
Not Hakyeon. Not Hakyeon - Sanghyuk mentally chanted. And yet as the bottle slowed down, he had a sick gut feeling it was about to stop where he least wanted it.
 
Fuck it, Sanghyuk cursed - he wasn't sure if he said it out loud or not. He leaned forward and grabbed the bottle right before it completely stopped at Hakyeon and then pointed it at himself, shocking everyone in their little circle.
 
He turned to face Taekwoon before he managed to process the regret and embarrassment. His body was moving on its own and his brain was barely catching up. Before he knew it, he had grabbed Taekwoon by the neck and kissed him on the lips.
 
"Ladies and gentlemen, Han Sanghyuk finally snapped!" Jaehwan loudly announced and howled behind them. 
 
Sanghyuk could hear a variety of reactions but it didn't really register to him. "You really piss me off," he said after a quick peck. He glared at Taekwoon as hard as he could with his droopy eyes. "You said your hand is free for me to hold, so why is it all over him?!" He was going to face Hakyeon and whine at him too, but Taekwoon pulled him back and kissed him again - slightly deeper this time. 
 
His drunkenness really dulled his senses and muscle control so Sanghyuk could only grab onto Taekwoon's hair and let him lead the kiss.
 
Soft, he thought. 
 
Taekwoon's lips were just as soft as they looked. The taste was a little weird given what they both have been eating and drinking all night, but Sanghyuk found he liked it anyway. He couldn't help but smile into the kiss as he closed his eyes and tilted his head a little to let Taekwoon in more - a mistake he immediately realized.
 
He felt his head spinning again the moment his vision went all black. The pain in his head throbbed harder and he didn't just feel lightheaded from the sensation of kissing Taekwoon. It wasn't just butterflies in his stomach. His insides were running wild. The acid was right at his throat and he had to push Taekwoon away before turning to grab the plastic bag that Hongbin previously gave him.
 
Fuck.
 
Sanghyuk mentally cursed himself. His throat burned while the ugly taste hit his tongue. The last thing he remembered was Hongbin helping him get to the bathroom. And then he blacked out.

-=oOo=-
 
When Sanghyuk woke up again, it was some time past seven in the morning. He was lying on the bed - alone. There was a bottle of water and hangover medicine on the bedside table with a note from Hakyeon, telling him to fix himself up and make sure to brush his teeth before going out because he still smelled of puke.
 
Sanghyuk growled. His head hurt and he could only wish for the medicine to work quickly and relieve him of his pain. It wasn't until he was hitting the shower that the events of the previous night came back to him.
 
Shit.
 
He messed up. Big time. 
 
Not only did he fail to stick to his plan to hold back, he also messed up that kiss. He couldn't remember what happened after getting to the bathroom but if he woke up alone with nothing but a note from Hakyeon, he didn't think he managed to make it up to Taekwoon.
 
He hurriedly finished his shower and dressed up, checking his pocket before bolting out of the room as soon as he looked human enough. He could imagine all the teasing he would get for throwing up, but at the moment, talking to Taekwoon was top priority.
 
He first found Hongbin sleeping inside their shared room, but just like Sanghyuk, he was alone. Judging from the loud snores from Jaehwan and Wonshik's room, the couple were still sleeping as well.
 
Sanghyuk did his best to ignore the way his insides flipped again when he got to the living room. There was an unpleasant taste in his mouth but it was no longer the lingering sourness of puke. It was just his undying jealousy roaring inside him as he found Taekwoon and Hakyeon huddled together on the couch.
 
"Hyung," he called cautiously as he tapped Hakyeon's shoulder. The latter woke up instantly - judging from the dark circles under his eyes, he probably hadn't been asleep for that long
.
 
Taekwoon, on the other hand, seemed to be in a deep sleep. His head lay on Hakyeon's shoulder but he didn't stir at all when the other slowly slipped away from him.
 
"Why are you guys sleeping here?" Sanghyuk whispered as soon as Hakyeon managed to get off the couch.
 
"I couldn't stand the smell of our room and Taekwoon couldn't sleep so I just kept him company."
 
Sanghyuk couldn't help but frown. Still, he was more concerned with what he did. "Last night…" he was still whispering, afraid to wake Taekwoon up. "Did I do something else after throwing up?."
 
"Oh, you remember? Nothing happened after that. You passed out at the toilet. We struggled to get you to your our room."
 
Sanghyuk wasn't sure if he felt relieved or more horrible. "Is he mad at me?"
 
Hakyeon gave him a small smile as he shook his head. "He's not mad, Hyukkie. He was afraid you would say you don’t remember kissing him at all, but his biggest worry was that you threw up because were disgusted by the kiss. So please clear it up with him."
 
Definitely more horrible.
 
Letting Taekwoon think he was disgusted by the kiss was the last thing Sanghyuk wanted to happen. He managed to assure Hakyeon there was nothing to worry about, so the latter decided to go up to their room and get some proper sleep. As soon as he was alone with Taekwoon, Sanghyuk sat beside him on the couch and held his hand.
 
"You said I can hold it whenever I want, so it’s okay to do this, right?" he whispered nervously. 
 
It was that moment when the door suddenly opened. The caretaker walked in, carrying some huge boxes which contained food - judging from the smell which spread around the living room as soon as she walked in.  She was too occupied with the food and went straight to the kitchen that she didn’t even notice that there were people on the couch. Walking behind her, though, was another woman who paused and stared at Sanghyuk.
 
Taekwoon’s mother.
 
Sanghyuk almost didn’t recognize her, but there was no mistaking it. She smiled at Sanghyuk first, and then her gaze was drawn to their hands. Sanghyuk flinched as soon as he realized. Just like the last time, he instinctively let go of Taekwoon’s hand and then mentally cursed himself. Beside him, Taekwoon finally stirred awake.
 
“Mom?” Taekwoon rubbed his eyes as he stood up to greet his mother. “You’re early. I thought you’d come by lunch.”
 
“I wondered if you guys had anything for breakfast so I decided to come earlier.”
 
Sanghyuk stood up but he was unsure of what to do. Taekwoon’s mother saw him holding her son’s hand, and from the looks of it, said son still seemed to be unaware. He just felt awkward that he didn’t realize he hadn’t even greeted her properly.
 
“You’re Sanghyuk, right?”
 
He snapped back when he heard his name and instantly bowed politely.
 
“We met last time too,” his mother just smiled at Sanghyuk.
 
“Y-yes,” he nodded his head with a slight bow again.
 
“And he’s the duck uncle your nephew has been talking about?” She faced Taekwoon, her smile getting more meaningful by each second. “You said you were just friends, didn’t you? I was hoping you and Hakyeonnie would get back together, but…”
 
“MOM!”
 
Sanghyuk flinched. His hangover hasn’t really gone away yet and his head throbbed when Taekwoon yelled. Not to mention, his jealousy just got more fueled by the mention of Hakyeon and  Taekwoon getting back together.
 
“I’ll go see if Hakyeon’s awake.” Taekwoon started walking towards the stairs, but then went back to grab her when she teasingly replied that she would just keep talking to Sanghyuk instead.
 
“What are you being so worked up about,” she laughed. “There’s no big deal, right? Since he’s just your friend?”
 
Sanghyuk clenched his fists. Suddenly, the word “friend” sounded annoying to him.
 
“Actually,” he blurted without thinking, drawing Taekwoon and his mom’s attention to him. “I’m not… just…” he mumbled, his impulse and hesitation battling inside his head.
 
“Oh?” Taekwoon’s mom slipped away and stepped closer to Sanghyuk instead. “Are you saying you’re not just a friend? Special friend? Boyfriend?”
 
“Mom! Please!” Taekwoon was as red as tomatoes as he kept pulling on his mother to step away from Sanghyuk.
 
“B… boyfriend…” Sanghyuk muttered as he shyly looked at Taekwoon, his whole face flushed, possibly redder than his drunken state the previous night. His ears were burning.
 
“Hyuk-ah!” Taekwoon stared back at him exasperated. He probably didn’t expect it.
 
“I mean… I want to be…” To be fair, not even Sanghyuk expected himself to say these things in front of his mother yet there he was. Maybe he was still slightly intoxicated because he was spurting whatever that came to mind. He tried his best to keep eye contact with Taekwoon as he continued, “If he would take me….”
 
“Awww,” Taekwoon’s mother cooed. “You guys are too cute!”
 
“Mother,” Hakyeon called as he walked down the stairs. Sanghyuk tried not to frown at how he called Taekwoon’s mom like his own mother and how she ran to hug him. Still, Hakyeon smiled at Sanghyuk ever so gently. He only seemed to have washed his face and still not sleep a wink before Taekwoon’s mom arrived.
 
“How have you been? Did you bring us breakfast too?” Hakyeon smoothly wrapped an arm around her shoulders and led her to the kitchen, leaving Taekwoon and Sanghyuk alone at the living room.
 
Taekwoon sighed and rubbed his temples. “What the hell was that?” He scowled when he finally faced Sanghyuk again.
 
“I’m sorry…” Sanghyuk fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. His weight shifted from one foot to another as he kept his head down. “I… I’m not thinking straight at all.”
 
“Obviously! ”
 
Sanghyuk flinched once more, his eyes shut as Taekwoon nagged at him.
 
“I’ve been patiently waiting for you to come to me because I know it’s difficult for you. But you suddenly kissed me and then threw up so I worried all night if you disliked it so much.  And then you just confessed to my mom?” He gripped his hair in frustration. The sound he made was a cross between a groan and a laugh. “I can’t believe you confessed to my mom instead of me!” He dropped to crouch on the floor, hugging his knees and burying his face onto his arms to muffle his growls. Of all the scenarios he imagined for Sanghyuk to finally accept him, confessing to his mother was not on the list. He kept huffing that Sanghyuk almost thought he was crying but it later became clear that he was laughing.
 
Sanghyuk scratched his head as he watched Taekwoon laugh hysterically. He really wasn’t sure if it was out of joy or madness. 
 
Well, he already said too many things. It wasn’t like he could still take it back. He had nothing to lose anymore. So he plucked up the courage and stepped closer. He reached for his pocket to pull out a small box, and then knelt in front of Taekwoon.
 
“Hyung… I’m sorry it happened this way. This wasn’t what I planned at all but…” He offered his gift to Taekwoon.  “Belated happy birthday.”
 
Taekwoon raised his head. He was stunned for a whole minute as he stared at the box - a reverse dejavu of him giving his birthday gift to Sanghyuk.
 
“It’s… It’s not as pretty or expensive as what you got me but it was the best I could afford.”
 
Taekwoon finally took the box and opened it. Inside was a drop earring. An intricately designed silver cross dangled at the end.
 
“I’m not sure if you like them but you wear a lot of earrings whenever you go out for work schedules, so I thought I -”
 
“Part-time…” Taekwoon looked up at him. “Is this why you got another part-time job?”
 
Sanghyuk blushed harder  as he looked away. He really needed that job to be able to get a decent gift that was even just half as beautiful as the bracelet Taekwoon gave him. He hated being a poor student. Taekwoon was already earning as a musical actor and had a small business in addition to being born rich.
 
"I like it." Taekwoon closed the box again and held it tightly in one hand. He hugged his knees again and then rested his chin on his arms - this time, grinning as he tilted his head and stared at Sanghyuk. 
 
“So… Are you really doing this?”
 
“Would you let me back out if I changed my mind?” Sanghyuk teased.
 
“Nope,” Taekwoon replied with a straightface. “If you only confessed to me, I could let you get away with it, but because you told my mom, you can’t take it back anymore.”
 
Sanghyuk chuckled. “Dammit, I’m regretting a lot of things right now.” He noticed Taekwoon’s face fall for a second, but he knew Sanghyuk was just joking. He smiled and stretched out a hand. 
 
The way Taekwoon’s expression brightened up when Sanghyuk took his hand made him feel very warm. He also noticed his hangover was almost completely gone, and suddenly he just felt very light - like the biggest burden had been taken off his shoulders. He didn’t expect to feel this happy after finally accepting his own feelings for another guy.
 
“Would you be okay?” Taekwoon suddenly asked, a hint of worry on his face.
 
Sanghyuk couldn’t help but sigh. “I am scared.” He shifted to cross his legs and sit comfortably on the floor instead of kneeling. “I don’t think I can tell anyone else just yet. I mean… Other than those who are with us here right now, because as much as I hate it, they already know anyway.”
 
Taekwoon rubbed the back of his hand with his thumb, the way he always did when comforting Sanghyuk. “It’s okay.”
 
“Hyung, listen…” Sanghyuk’s shoulder visibly dropped. His previous confidence may have gone along with his hangover because he was suddenly so nervous, even after the fact that he basically already confessed. “I’m… I’m immature. I’m a jealous prick as you may already know. And I’m just… I’m really scared.”
 
Taekwoon mirrored him and sat comfortably, still not letting go of his hand. He put the gift box down on the floor and held Sanghyuk’s other hand too.
 
“I’m scared,” Sanghyuk said for the third time. He didn’t realize just how real it was until he felt his heart was about to explode. His hands were trembling and that was why Taekwoon was holding him tightly. “I really don’t know how to handle this. And because I’m dumb, I’ll keep doing stupid things. I’ll probably hurt you, one way or another, maybe even more than once.”
 
Taekwoon just kept rubbing his hands and humming occasionally. “You are kind of problematic.”
 
“Would you still be with me? Despite that?”
 
Taekwoon shrugged. “If you asked me to, maybe I’ll consider.” 
 
Sanghyuk rolled his eyes. He wasn’t really the type to say romantic things (maybe that was why he got along really well with Hongbin). Though probably, for all the wait and pain he put Taekwoon through, he had to say it.
 
“Jung Taekwoon,” he said softly. He held Taekwoon’s hands firmly and looked straight into his eyes. “I like you. I don’t know where these feelings would take me and I’m bound to make many mistakes, but I want to be with you. I… P-please… Date me?” He groaned. It just sounded weird. “Stay with me? Be my… b-boyfr… ugggh okay I’ll just stop here.”
 
They both giggle at his awkwardness. Taekwoon laughed so hard that he was curled up on the floor, with tears at the corners of his eyes.
 
“Are you sure you managed to get a girlfriend before? When you can’t even say this kind of thing?”
 
“I said it plain and simple before, but it’s awkward when it’s a man I’m talking to.” Sanghyuk tried to cover half of his face with an arm, despite still not letting go of Taekwoon’s hand.
 
“Okay.” Taekwoon had to take deep breaths to stop himself from laughing. “I’ll give you a pass since you’re trying so hard. But… I'm not as mature or patient as you think I am. I'm also likely to snap at you and act petty a lot. We'll probably fight really often. But we'll work it out, okay?"
 
"Yeah. We'll do that." Sanghyuk smiled. “Ah, one more thing,” He finally let go of Taekwoon’s hands and reached for his pocket again. At first his hand looked empty when he took it out, but then he opened his palm and surprised Taekwoon once again.
 
“That’s…”
 
The bracelet Taekwoon gave him.
 
He placed it on Taekwoon’s hand and then raised his wrist so Taekwoon could put it on him.
 
Maybe he was being overly dramatic as well, but Sanghyuk thought he had never seen Taekwoon smile brighter than that moment. He just looked really happy - ecstatic, even, as he put the bracelet around Sanghyuk’s wrist. He patted the chain when he was done, and then he stared at Sanghyuk again, biting down the wide smile on his lips.
 
When all the words have been said, they just stared at each other in an awkward silence. Sanghyuk bit his lower lip as well, wondering if it was all right for him to kiss Taekwoon sober this time. In his past relationships, he often just played it by ear if the girl was up to it or not. But with Taekwoon, he just felt slightly awkward. Still, he decided to try and lean forward.
 
To his dismay, Taekwoon leaned back and even covered his mouth with a hand.
 
“Since last night… We’ve been eating and drinking a lot… and then slept at dawn.”
 
Sanghyuk frowned. “I brushed my teeth before I came down.”
 
“I haven’t,” was Taekwoon’s curt reply.
 
Sanghyuk giggled. He found it cute how Taekwoon was suddenly so shy again. “It’s okay?” He tried again, but Taekwoon shook his head, ears turning really red.
 
“I stink.”
 
“Fine,” he sighed.
 
“Later…”
 
“Later. Yeah.” Sanghyuk reaffirmed. 
 
“Definitely, later.” Taekwoon grinned as he stood up.
 
From the kitchen, they heard his mother and Hakyeon’s laughter. They were purposely and awkwardly being loud with their conversation,  pretending they had been talking about something interesting all this time.
 
Sanghyuk hissed, standing up as well. “They were eavesdropping, weren’t they?”
 
“Knowing my mom, they probably were,” Taekwoon replied with a sigh. He covered his red face with his hands, thinking about how his mother heard everything. “I’ll go shower and wake the others up.”
 
As he turned around, Sanghyuk slipped his arms around his waist and pulled him back. He hid his face by leaning his head on Taekwoon’s shoulder, the same way he did when he received Taekwoon’s gift, except this time, he was hugging Taekwoon from behind.
 
“Thank you, hyung,” he whispered softly. “For putting up with me all this time.”
 
“Don’t get sappy with me now.” Taekwoon patted his arm and smiled. 
 
“Thank you." 
 
And finally, he could say it. 
 
"I love you, Jung Taekwoon.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Sanghyuk easily spotted the ash blond hair as soon as he entered the coffee shop. He walked his way around the crowd and the zooming waitstaff until he finally reached the corner table.
 
“Excuse me. May I sit here?” He asked jokingly.
 
“Ahhh, I’m afraid I’m not supposed to mingle with just anyone,” Sungjae smirked as he crossed his arms. “You see, I’m a star who shouldn’t show favoritism among my fans.”
 
“You must have gotten it wrong,” Sanghyuk sat down anyway. “I’m not your fan. It's just that the shop is full and I need a seat,” he chuckled.
 
Sungjae cluck his tongue. “Tsk. Can’t you even pretend to be my fan? There’s very few of them, you know?”
 
“What do you mean few? Your group is doing quite well, aren’t you?”
 
“It’s so-so,” he replied with a smile. “We got good reception, but it’s not like we can expect to get big right after debut.”
 
Sanghyuk wasn’t really one to comfort people, and he didn’t think Sungjae needed it, but he truly wished for their group’s success. “You’ll get there, eventually.” 
 
He proceeded to the counter and made his order for a drink and a couple of french toast. Once he got back to their table, Sungjae started telling him his idol life stories. It sounded quite tough but Sungjae seemed to be enjoying it a lot.
 
“Enough about me.” Sungjae had this dapper aura as he sipped his coffee. He then crossed his legs as he leaned back on his seat and stared at Sanghyuk. “What have you been up to? Why did you suddenly want to meet?”
 
“Oh,” Sanghyuk shifted nervously in his seat. “Well, I joined this dance crew and it’s been great so far. We’ve backed up for some artists and we also perform on local events from time to time. I still do part time at the cafe though.”
 
“Right. I’ve seen your videos on Youtube. If we ever need back up dancers, I’ll get in touch with you.”
 
“Sungjae… I’m…” Sanghyuk bit his lower lip. Truthfully, he thought Sungjae would be too busy to care. They also barely see each other so it wasn’t like Sungjae had to know. Still, he thought of Sungjae as his closest friend, and even if it didn’t matter, or even if he would be hated, Sanghyuk wanted to let him know.
 
“I’m dating.”
 
Whatever chicness Sungjae had earlier vanished as he choked and almost spat his coffee.
 
“Is it that surprising?”
 
“N-no, but…” His face was red from coughing. He wiped his mouth and sniffed to clear the liquid that almost went out of his nose when he choked. "Is it hi - I mean… Who?"
 
"T-Taekwoon-hyung."
 
It was hard to tell whether the sound that Sungjae let out was that of surprise or disappointment, resignation or relief.
 
"Jung Taekwoon, huh?" He took another sip of his coffee. "You finally gave in."
 
Sanghyuk  would be lying if he said he didn't feel embarrassed. Maybe not of dating Taekwoon per se, but more of telling other people and admitting he had feelings for another guy. Sungjae had been there from the very start, when Sanghyuk was still very confident about his sexuality. He had been one of the people who teased Sanghyuk in the beginning, until the latter started getting confused and told his friend that he hated the gay jokes. Sungjae promptly stopped teasing. He also occasionally diverted the topic whenever their other friends started joking around. Despite his easy going nature, Sungjae was a reliable friend and would never turn his back on him.
 
"Since when?"
 
"Last December."
 
"Are you fucking serious?!" Sungjae cursed. "That's more than 6 months ago!"
 
Or maybe he was wrong. 
 
"Han Sanghyuk, I'm really disappointed." Sungjae looked upset indeed. "It's not like I didn't expect this to happen, but dating him for this long? And you're only telling me now?"
 
Sanghyuk blinked.
 
"I went to your graduation ceremony and you didn't tell me back then?"
 
"You're upset that I didn't tell you sooner? Not because I'm dating him?"
 
"What do you take me for?" Sungjae leaned back again and frowned at him. "If I would get disgusted about you liking a guy, I would have stopped being friends with you long ago."
 
Figures. Sungjae may act dumb sometimes but he could also be annoyingly perceptive of things Sanghyuk wanted to hide the most.
 
"If you knew, you should have told me." Sanghyuk fixed his gaze on his latte.
 
"How could I? You didn't even want to admit to yourself. You wouldn't have opened up to me even if I confronted you about it."
 
"Well… Yeah, I guess. I've been really stubborn." Sanghyuk shamefully admitted. "How long have you known?"
 
"I've always been suspicious when you started ditching us a lot, but I didn't actually believe it until that time you took me along to watch his musical. It just showed on your face." Since he was done with his coffee, Sungjae just crossed his arms. "And I was drunk as fuck but I'm pretty sure I remember you talking about how much you liked him."
 
"Ahh, shit." Now that he thought about it, that night was when everything started to change between him and Taekwoon. "Anyway, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."
 
"Have you told anyone else?"
 
"No," he shook his head. "Hakyeon-hyung and the others know, but you're the first person I actually told about it."
 
"Well, that's good. If you told someone else before me, I'd be really mad."
 
"So you're not mad? You're really weird."
 
"What? Do you want me to stop talking to you now?"
 
"Of course not. I'm glad my superstar friend still keeps in touch after debut."
 
"Tch," Sunjae flipped his hair to the side. "That's right. You're lucky to be friends with someone awesome like me." He then urged Sanghyuk to finish his toast and drink. 
 
"You should tell the others too."
 
"By others, you mean…"
 
"Our friends may be a bit too playful sometimes and I know they teased you a lot, but you should know they'll accept you as you are anyway. I asked them, after that one time you fought with Hakyeon-hyung. They said if you really turned out to be gay, they would be surprised but they would understand."
 
Sanghyuk bit his lower lip. He scratched his head and looked away. It was difficult for him to pluck up the courage to tell Sungjae even after 6 months of dating Taekwoon secretly. He trusted that his friends were good people but he didn't think he was ready to tell them just yet. "Eventually," he muttered. "Sooner or later, I'll let them know too."
 
"I'll keep your secret until then."
 
"Thanks, man." 
 
It wasn't like Sungjae wasn't bothered at all. He still asked annoying questions such as whether Sanghyuk ever felt attracted to him, or if he ever thought of anything weird whenever they went to sauna together. Sanghyuk rolled his eyes but he understood it was typical for someone whose bestfriend just came out as bisexual after so many years of identifying as straight. He was thankful enough that Sungjae had a fairly good reaction. Sanghyuk didn't expect him to be perfect.
 
"So it's really just Taekwoon-hyung?"
 
"Yeah. Don't worry. I never thought of you that way."
 
"Why? What's wrong with me?" He asked teasingly.
 
"Pffft," Sanghyuk couldn't help but laugh. "Do you really want me to answer that?"
 
"No. Actually, Don't," Sungjae laughed as well. "I'm kinda surprised it wasn't Hakyeon-hyung though. I mean… if he was a girl, he would have been totally your type, wouldn't he?"
 
"Don't even go there. He's already dated two people in our friend circle - including my boyfriend. It would have been way weirder if I fell for him too."
 
"So how is it? Dating Jung Taekwoon?"
 
Sanghyuk shrugged. "Okay, I guess? Same as any other couple. We fight quite a lot. He's still as overly dramatic as before we started dating. He's quite high maintenance too." Despite his complaints, Sanghyuk couldn't help but smile. "But he's also really sweet. He doesn't push me to do things he knows I'm uncomfortable with. If he knew I'm upset about something, he doesn't comfort me with empty words. He just hugs me and stays by my side and does what he thinks would make me feel better."
 
There was a few seconds of silence. Sungjae just stared at him amused.
 
"What?"
 
A warm smile spread across his lips as well. "You can straight up call him your boyfriend now. You look really happy and you're no longer struggling about your feelings."
 
Sanghyuk felt his cheeks blush.
 
"I'm happy for you, Sanghyuk. Really happy."
 
"Thank you, Sungjae. Thanks a lot."
 
Sanghyuk was still not one hundred percent comfortable about his sexuality and he was still scared of other people finding out. But he knew he had great friends by his side who would always support and love him.
 
That was really all that he needed.