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“No… I was never okay at all.” Those six words hit me straight to the gut. They’re like the hottest ray of the sun hitting on every inch of my skin – stinging, burning, made me feel so guilty. How could I be so naïve? Is there even a word that could describe how stupid am I to not know my best friend’s feelings for me? She likes me, or maybe even more than that. Yes, it has crossed my mind that all those sweet gestures that she has given to me might mean something else, but I just shrugged it off, thinking that those things were done because she’s my best friend. Besides, a best friend does anything for you – anything that makes you happy, which I willingly reciprocated to her. I just wanted her to be happy because she makes me happy. I wanted all of her attention, I wanted her to care for me, I wanted her to treat me like a princess and that’s because for once in my life, someone has made me feel so important. It made me feel loved. But I didn’t know that the more I wanted to be the in the center of her life, the more I hurt her. Lisa’s such a lovely girl, I won’t think twice if I you were to ask me if I’d date her because I’d definitely do that. But we can’t. A man should be with a woman and a woman should be with a man and it’s better that way. As much as my heart willed to love her more than as a friend, my mind won’t allow it. The society will never accept that. We don’t need to wake up those feelings that have been set aside because it’s easier that way – us being friends. I’m so scared of facing the truth and hearing those untold realities because I might be that someone who doesn’t really know myself. Hell, I’ve got no balls to stand up for my feelings for her. I have loved her so much to the point that I have no idea on how to make her feel it by not making her think that I really loved her. I’m such a huge dirtbag and I deserve all the hate she has given to me. One night, we were at her rooftop having a lot of booze and stuff, just having a good time without worrying about anything. I must admit, it was one of those best night that I ever had for a while, her beside me, and me beside her. I know Lisa’s trying her best not to fall asleep because she’s a sucker when it comes to drinking but I could care less because the way she bit her lip gave me incomprehensible feelings that were very much uninvited. She was looking at the moon, and I thought it was just the alcohol but her face looked so…beautiful, thanks to the moonlight for if not because of that, I wouldn’t have seen how her eyes sparkle with those fluttering eyelids; her pale cheeks now tinted with a pink blush; and her moist lips that were now slightly parted. And if I was not in my best state then I could have made her lips sealed with my own, but she suddenly yawned as I leaned forward, and I thought I’ve been such a bad bestfriend to her for almost taking advantage of her drunkenness. But then again, just like what she always does, she smiled at me and held my hand. And I knew that gaze Lisa’s giving me, a reassuring one telling me that it’s okay and I don’t have to worry. She always makes me feel better. Our gazes met once again, and we stayed like that for a minute which felt like forever, and everything just happened so fast when I found myself kissing her back, hands on her neck, hers on my waist. Oh boy, I could still the taste her favorite strawberry chapstick, which I have always wondered what it could taste like not until now. But then, reality suddenly struck me – I was kissing my bestfriend! Friends weren’t supposed to kiss, let alone be sexually attracted to them, so it scared the hell out of me. That’s why I pulled away, stood up and left her there, probably pissed off and very, very much frustrated.
What the hell was I thinking?!
Those thoughts kept ringing on my mind the next day, the day after, the day after tomorrow, and the next coming days. I kissed my bestfriend and it was just not a simple kiss. It was a hungry kiss, full of passion and want. Have I not knocked some sense on myself, then it would have gone somewhere else. I would admit that it left me frustrated as well but the confusion weighted more than my urges. Does that mean I’m gay? Do I like girls now? I don’t think so. But Lisa…she’s a different story. I like her, but do I like her more than that? Does she like me, too? I was truly confused and I thought I might be going crazy. So instead of apologizing to her, I avoided her like plague. How dare of me, right? She should be the one who’s angry because I’m the one who left her hanging but here am I, treating her like someone whom I didn’t know. But that didn’t stay that long because one time, she came running to me, squeezing herself between the closing doors of the lift, and gave her sincerest apology even if she has nothing done wrong. I was so lucky to have her. And I don’t deserve her. I knew that I had to do something to prevent that from happening again because I don’t want to lose her. She’s all I have, and I couldn’t bear it to hurt her further than I already did. So when I met Jackson, a usual college dirtbag but looked decent enough, I took the chance to make him as a distraction from all of this. I might just be confused after all, I won’t know until I get there though. We had this thing every Thursday to meet at a café at Gangnam, somewhere far from our office, and far from Lisa. Things were going great between us, he’s such a gentleman and a dog-lover like me. He owns a Golden Retriever, Jigeun, that looked as handsome as him I must admit. We took some strolls at Han River together with his and my dog Kuma, talking about any stuff under the sun. And there was a time when I have to send my car to TPMS and I didn’t want to cause trouble to Lisa so I asked Jackson instead if I could carpool with him if he has nothing to do after work, besides, I live 3 blocks away from his flat. He’s not that so bad after all. Being with Jackson felt light, it was easier with him. But it didn’t feel right. There was this something that was missing that I couldn’t quite put a finger on it. Still, there was this nagging feeling inside me that bothers me so much. Hanging out with Jackson felt like I was betraying Lisa, and it really didn’t feel good hiding it from her. It just made me feel a lot guiltier than ever. I was supposed to tell her everything but what I did was the exact opposite of it. We promised to each other that no matter what problem that we have, we would be each other’s confidante. She would hate me for real if this gets out of hand. And that was what happened when the news broke out in the office. I was too careless to forgot that Mina was working at the Café where I and Jackson meet, she must’ve told it to everyone and everything just started to crash from there. “Lisa, wait, I– ” She walked out but I just followed her from behind as she walked through the corridors, up to the stairs, leading us to the rooftop. She strode towards the nearest ledge, leaned on it, hands pushed up against the cold railings and her head hanging low. I just stood a bit far behind her, fiddling on my fingers. I really have no idea how to start because my mouth seemed to get dry, I couldn’t form a single word out from it. Just then, I heard weak stifles and then I came to realize that she was crying and that broke me. How could I hurt an angel like her when all was she did was care about me? Love me? “Lili…” I moved closer to her back and slid my arms around her. Just then, her silent cries turned into wails, choking at her own tears, her back moving up and down from all the crying. But I just let her and hugged her tighter because I don’t know what will happen if I let go of her. It felt like I’m holding onto my dear life because she is my life and I was so dumb for ignoring the fact that I love her more than anyone but most importantly, more than just a bestfriend. It took me long enough to realize her value to me when I got to see how broken Lisa was just because of me and my stupidity. “It h-hurts so damn much, J-Jennie …” Lisa said in between of her cries. “I know… I know… and I’m sorry. I should have talked to you.” I said against her back, fighting hard not to let my tears fall but soon failed to do so. “You lied to me!” She harshly pulled away and turned around to face me. I tried to reach in for her hand but she just hauled it away and looked at me furiously. “Lis, I didn’t! In fact I was gonna tell you everything b-but shit has gotten into me and I– “ “Hell, if Jisoo wouldn’t have told me, how long are you gonna keep it from me?!” “I-I was just doing the best thing for us!” “Best thing? By keeping secrets from me? By making me look like a fool to everyone else huh?” Lisa hollered. And it broke me just like how I broke her trust on me. “It was not my intention, Lisa!” I took a step forward. She took a step backwards. “Don’t I deserve to know that, Jennie? I’m your fucking best friend!” And that’s it, I snapped which I immediately regretted. “Yes! You’re just my best friend! Why are you acting so pressed about it?!” “Right… I’m just your b-best friend…” “Lisa…” I don’t know what else to say to make her feel better. I just knew that I fucked it up, big time. “I’m just your BEST friend. And that’s all I ever was to you, Jennie – your best friend. I just the person whom you run into if you have problems, your supporter, the one who gives endless advices to you, the one who makes you laugh when you are sad, the one who’s willing to take and do anything just for you. And I’m so stupid for making the biggest mistake of falling in love with my best friend.” “Lili… I…” Lisa turned around and motioned to walk away so right there and then, I knew that I had to something. “Lisa! I love you!” She stopped on her tracks and I took advantage of it to walk until I’m already in front of her. I’m hella shaking but fuck it! I reached in for her hands and looked directly on her eyes. And at that moment, I’d do anything for her this time. “I l-love you Lisa… I loved you so much that’s why I got scared. What if I hurt you if we become together? I can’t bear it if I’ll lose my only best friend. Lisa, I can’t lose you. I won’t be able to handle that.” She didn’t look convinced, though. She averted her gaze away from me but at least she’s still within my grasp. There is still hope. “You can be mad at me, throw a fit on me, slap me, do whatever you like, and I won’t complain! I loved you since then, but I don’t know what to make out of it. Lisa, we’re both girls for goodness sake! This is so new to me, God knows what shit I’ve been through questioning myself, trying to know what I am really. All along, I thought women were supposed to only like men but why am I attracted to you? W-why do I feel so happy when I’m with you? I don’t know how to do this kind of thing, so I tried to find the easy way out.” “Nini, I didn’t know...” “Of course, you won’t because I was stupid enough to not let you know! I wanted so bad to protect you and not hurt you but I just did it otherwise. I though Jackson would be the best solution to this but I was so wrong… Being honest is.” I couldn’t stop myself from tearing up but at the same time, it felt so good to take off some of the burden out of my chest. “I just need you to know that I love you genuinely but I honestly don’t know how to. You’re too good for me, Lisa. And I’m afraid that if I fuck this up then I would have to lose the entirety of you and I don’t want that to happen.” I mumbled, almost losing my breath as my heart beats three times more than its normal pace. Suddenly, a soft pair of hands made their way on my cheeks, and oh gosh, I don’t have anything else on my mind but to cave in to her touch. She gently wiped my tears and just like what she always does, she beamed me a smile. “You won’t lose me, Nini.” “Lili…” I clung onto her arm and let out a chuckle, which sounded like being choked in tears more than laughing. Lisa cleared off the hair blocking my vision and tuck them on my ears. She slowly leaned in and landed her forehead on mine. “I love you, Jennie.” I don’t know what lies ahead of us but the most important thing to me under this moonlight is the love transcending from her heart to mine. “I love you, too.” Fin.