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The Judge is fine.
She doesn't always feel fine, some nights she cries quietly into a pillow until Joseph commands her in that calm monotone, ‘Enough, rest now.’
And she does, because Joseph is always right.
She learned that one the hard way, but now she knows. Now she listens, even when she doesn't want to.
“God has forgiven you, I have forgiven you,” Joseph tells her. She hasn't forgiven herself, she doesn't deserve Joseph's kindness.
Every once in a while Joseph gets mad. Joseph pulls her mask off and pushes her down into bed and reminds her of everything she took from him, and from the world. She lets him because she deserves it. He holds her down by her throat and chokes her until she sees stars. He's rough, but she doesn't fight him.
Other nights he's gentle. He brushes her hair and places gentle kisses anywhere he can reach. He calls her nice names and forgives her for her sins, and sometimes she believes him.
When Ethan and Megan come to New Eden the Judge takes a breather from Joseph. He's much too busy dealing with all that drama to be worrying over the Judge and that's fine.
The Judge is fine.
The Judge doesn't speak, they try sometimes but it doesn't come out. Joseph knows what she's trying to say, it's easy with Joseph. Joseph always knows what she needs, he's always right.
When Joseph gets too busy with New Eden and his new family the Judge understands. They aren't too lonely, no she's never really alone anymore. She has the ghosts of the dead whispering in her ear.
John says sweet things, sometimes, he promises that he doesn't blame her for killing him. Other times he tells her all of her sins, all the things that she could (should) have done differently. She can't help but agree.
Jacob just stares with that cold look in his eyes. He comments on her form while she hunts. Nitpicks the way she judges dissenters. She can't help but preen on the rare occasion she gets his praise.
Faith makes an appearance, every once in a while, when the Judge feels particularly lonely. She'll whisper her false promises, braid imaginary flowers into her hair when she's alone. Faith is rarely cruel, not the way John and Jacob can be. Faith will wait and listen to the way the Judge begs forgiveness, she will say nothing and just watch the Judge cave in on herself.
Eli comes once in a blue moon. He tells her, ‘Dep, it wasn't you.’ She can't help but feel responsible. If she had been stronger, she could have resisted, done something to stop Jacob sooner. Eli shushes her and says it doesn't matter. What's done is done, and Jacob killed him, not her. She prays for his forgiveness all the same.
She knows it's all in her head, the trauma and the guilt manifesting in a way for her to deal with it. The ghosts of the long dead are still better company than most of the denizens of New Eden.
She's better off alone anyway.
The Judge is fine.
Joseph introduces the Judge to Ethan while his mother lays dying in New Eden. Ethan is not dealing with it well. Joseph thinks that they'll get along.
They do not get along.
Joseph thinks the Judge can council Ethan for his wrath and envy. Joseph says that Ethan should listen to her, she has been where Ethan has been.
Ethan does not listen to Joseph.
A mistake, the Judge thinks. She tries to be there for Ethan, but he pushes her away.
The Judge does what she can for Ethan, and for Megan. Megan's health deteriorates quickly, the Judge isn't a medical expert but she can see the woman is dying. Ethan resents it when the Judge tries to make Megan comfortable. He's a boy and he thinks the Judge is killing his mother slowly with her gifts.
Maybe it is her fault that Megan is dying, the Judge thinks.
The Judge isn't killing Megan intentionally, she promises Joseph that much. Joseph shushes her and tells her that this slow death isn't her fault.
When Megan breathes her last breath Ethan is on a hunting trip with the Judge. They return to a somber settlement. Ethan wails and blames the Judge for killing his mother, for making sure he wasn't there in her final moments.
The Judge doesn't want to go to the funeral. Ethan makes it clear he does not want her there, but Joseph tells her she needs to go. So she does, Joseph is never wrong.
The Judge won't question Joseph. She can't. Joseph makes her move into New Eden, into his home with him and Ethan that night. Ethan glares and glares but says nothing.
Joseph tells her that she is his Judge, she has grown too distant from the community, and she must relearn her place. He places a firm hand on the back of her neck and pushes her to her knees before him and he tells her, ‘This is your place.’
The Judge is fine.
Carmina is getting big, the Judge notices once. It's not often that she sees any friends from her old life, from before being the Judge.
Carmina is alone out in the wilderness, she's much too young to be alone out here, the Judge thinks. She watches from a distance, the Judge knows how the Rye's feel about New Eden and anyone who is a ‘peggie.’
The Judge sees the wolves that stalk Carmina from the shadows. She tries to dispatch them quietly, she doesn't want them to scare the poor girl. One manages to escape the Judge and corners Carmina.
It stands over her with its impossibly sharp teeth and its hungry eyes. The Judge sinks an arrow through its eye and the wolf drops like a bag of rocks.
The Judge carries the traumatized Carmina home. Carmina doesn't speak and neither does the Judge.
The Rye's sob when the Judge returns Carmina. After checking to make sure that Carmina isn't hurt they turn on the Judge.
Kim calls her a murderer while holding her daughter protectively. Nick pushes the Judge and tells her she needs to leave, that she isn't welcome around their family. He tells her that she's a monster and she should just go back to whatever hole she crawled out of.
She wants to, she really does, but Joseph wouldn't like that.
She leaves and absolves to never darken the Rye's doorstep again. Joseph had said that her old friends wouldn't want her anymore.
Joseph is always right.
The Judge is fine.
Joseph leaves. He's had a vision and he banishes himself to the mountains until his prophecy comes true. He has to go alone, or at least that's what he tells the Judge when he leaves. The Judge wants to scream but says nothing.
Joseph hushes her and tells her that this is God's plan. She will stay and protect the flock. He leaves and no one knows what to do.
Ethan has stopped seeing the Judge as a person. She is just a tool of New Eden. Most people adopt his view, and they leave the Judge to her own devices. She floats through New Eden like a ghost, most ignore her presence and children often tell ghost stories about her.
She finds that anything she owned in Joseph and Ethan's home is left on the ground outside. She gets the message.
She moves back into her home outside of New Eden with nothing but the ghosts for company.
The Judge is fine.