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“Stop being mule-headed about this, Dean!“ Sam rarely gets loud, but now his voice is tinged with frustration. “We are not going to make it to our usual winter route and we both know it. So we might as well face the truth and find options!”Dean glowers, gaze on the ground in front of them. He is leading his stallion by the reins, walking in front of the animal to make sure the ground is safe, no treacherous ice hidden under the fresh sheet of snow.“Cas?” Sam asks. “Can you please make him see reason?”Cas flinches at being addressed in the middle of a fight, though not as much as he flinches at being asked to take sides. Even if he guesses that technically it is his fault that they won’t make it far enough South. The snow had caught them three days out from Angels’ Nest and hasn’t stopped since. “I wasn’t with you last winter,” he says softly. “I wouldn’t know.” He can still hardly believe that he is with them this year. That he is welcome in this pack and in Dean’s life.“But this year your feet freeze in the snow just like ours! And this is only the beginning! It’s not even really cold yet!” Sam argues. “Dean, you can’t honestly want to have Cas freezing to death because you’re stubborn!”Abruptly, Dean halts, gaze suddenly hard. “You are my brother, Sam, but if you weren’t, I swear…,” he growls at Sam, who immediately takes a step back.Dean looks over to Cas then, who also automatically takes a step back. Yeah, he trusts Dean, but angry Alpha is to be avoided, no matter who that Alpha is. Of course, the moment Dean sees the tinge of fear on Cas’ face, his posture changes. Dean closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. When he opens his eyes again, the harsh glow is gone. He turns back to Sam.“How long have I been leading this pack, Sam?”Sam tilts his head, obviously unsure about this turn of events. “The better part of a decade?” he hazards.“And have I led you astray yet?”It takes a moment before understanding blooms in Sam’s eyes. “You’re not leading us South.”“Well, I’m leading us South for now,” Dean concedes. “But we’ll turn Southeast soon enough.”“Southeast?”Dean nods. “Towards Stone Shatter City.”The name means nothing to Cas, though by his sharp intake of breath Sam knows what Dean is talking about.“You have sworn never to set foot there again!”“That was back then, this is now.”“You don’t even know whether we’ll be welcome anymore! We aren’t completely free of blame concerning Bobby’s death or…”Dean growls and Sam shuts up.He sighs but nods. “Stone Shatter City it is. I’ll tell the others.”He falls back towards the main column while Dean and Cas hold their place near the front. It’s one of the more visible changes, them walking together during the day now. Instated after it became clear that after their separation at Angels’ Nest, Dean got antsy whenever Cas wasn’t in his sight. He tried to downplay it of course, but finally Charlie approached Cas to ask him to ‘pretty-please just walk with Dean until his Alpha-brain gets it that you’re really back’ and it’s not like Cas found the prospect daunting. Usually, anyway.“Are you?” Dean rips him out of his thoughts.“What?” Cas asks.“Freezing,” Dean clarifies. “Are you freezing?”And that’s another thing. Maybe it isn’t quite as visible as them walking together but ever since Cas has come back, Dean hasn’t missed a single opportunity to show his care. To show Cas that he cannot only protect him, but can keep any discomfort away from him. He is quiet and earnest about it, and also quietly beating himself up whenever he doesn’t manage.‘He is courting you,’ Missouri had said and nodded approvingly. ‘As he should. And since you plan to accept him, you have to allow him to care for you.’Only of course, Dean shouldn’t do any of this. Wouldn’t need to do any of this, either. He’s already won Cas over. But it seems important to Dean, so Cas accepts it as it is. It isn’t the caring that has changed anyway, Dean has always cared. It is his need for affirmation, his need for his care to be seen and accepted. And Cas does both. So he answers, “I’m not freezing. The clothes you gave me keep me warm.”He can see the heat tinge Dean’s cheeks to a darker red than the cold manages, even while Dean ducks his head, like he’s shy. “I’m glad.”Cas shakes his head, a small smile blooming on his face at Dean’s happy reaction. Still, Dean had been unhappy a second ago and whatever it was that made him unhappy, it has not been resolved. It takes a moment of uncertainty and a bit of stomping down on the small ball of old fear in his stomach, but he asks, “Who is Bobby?”For a long few heartbeats, Dean doesn’t answer. Instead, he pats a hand over his stallion’s nose, who snuffles at Dean’s shoulder like the good-natured animal he is.Cas doesn’t push, either. Dean will tell him in his own time. Or if he can’t, that’s okay, too.“Bobby was – he was a member of this pack once. A long time ago. When our dad was still Alpha.” There’s pain in Dean’s voice, like even thinking about those times hurts.“He wasn’t a pack member anymore when – when he died?” Cas asks softly.“No. No, he wasn’t. He and my dad, they -,” he breaks off. “My dad wasn’t – after my mom’s death he –“, but that sentence finds no continuation, either.“Gabriel talked of this,” Cas says quietly. “That he had met someone once, who had lost a – mate.” He can’t be sure of course, that Dean’s mom was that to Dean’s dad. But everything he’s told him about them so far seems to indicate it. “He said there was hardly anything left but grief.”Dean whispers, “Yes. Yes, that’s how it was.” He draws his cloak around himself faster, as if protecting himself not only from the snow in the air but from the past itself.Cas doesn’t answer anything to it. It’s a risk, taking a mate. If the stories are true, then for the Alpha even more so than for the Omega. It’s the Alphas who go half-mad with grief when their mate dies.And yet, he wants Dean to take that risk. Has asked him in fact, and has stashed a red ribbon for a handfasting in his wooden chest. He lowers his eyes. It’s such a wonderful dream. Such a fairytale. But like with all fairytales, the nightmare waits close by. Sometimes, Cas isn’t sure whether the dream is worth risking the nightmare. Not for himself, obviously, he would take the risk any day. But Dean’s got a responsibility to his pack. Losing himself in grief would make them suffer.“Bobby was -,” Dean hesitantly starts his story up again, “outspoken. He was loud about the things he thought went wrong in the pack.”“He didn’t obey.”Dean snorts softly. “No, he really didn’t.” Then the tiny bit of amusement drains out of his voice. “But our father – he changed after our mom was gone. He hardened from the inside out. His opinions on Omegas changed, too.” He glances at Cas for a quick moment but then averts his eyes and concentrates on the path in front of him again. “Bobby didn’t agree. Especially since – Anyway, their falling out was pretty bad.”“So Bobby stayed behind?” Cas guesses.“With his – with his wife, yes.”“Are you saying that he – did he choose an Omega over his pack?” Cas asks, not able to keep his astonishment out of his voice.“And he was right to do so. It’s just – Stone Shatter City did not treat them kindly, either.”“Did they expect it to?”“Well, maybe not. But Bobby’s wife died, with all the consequences you’d expect. And the people we are going to now, the people we are going to ask for shelter through the winter – they were Bobby’s friends.”“They might not welcome us with open arms.”Against the odds, that makes Dean smile. When Cas looks at him questioningly, Dean says, “I like it when you do that. When you talk about the pack and include yourself with ease, as if you had never felt any differently.”Cas feels the heat rise into his cheeks. He’s definitely still not completely used to it. Or at the very least, he’s not used to public happiness about his wish to belong.“It is the truth, though,” Dean continues with a sigh. “I do not know how they will react to us as a pack. Or to us for that matter. Back when I knew them I would have been certain of their approval. Hell, I would never propose going there if that was any different. But my father is enough proof that things can change.” He sighs again. “The one thing Sam is right about is that it makes no sense lying to ourselves. Everything we do right now is a risk. And weighing our options, Stone Shatter City shows more tangible promise to me than praying that somehow we can still reach our Southern route before the snows set in in earnest.”Cas knows nothing to answer to that. Dean has told him that it isn’t his fault that they’re not making it South, but it still feels in his heart like it is.“We’ll keep you safe, Cas, okay? No matter what else, I know we’ll do that,” Dean reassures him, misinterpreting Cas’ silence.“I’ve never doubted it,” Cas answers. “I just wish I could help.”Dean gifts him with one of his shy smiles. “Ask anyone, being here, you are already helping.”It is both true and untrue in too many ways for Cas to have the words to describe. True, because he’s seen the relief on all of their faces and suffered their enthusiastic hugs when he came back. Untrue, because he sees the shadow of fear on Sam’s face whenever he observes them together while believing himself unobserved. True, because Cas has learned enough to pull his weight in the pack. Untrue, because he’s still an additional mouth to feed. True, because Dean seems genuinely happy whenever Cas is near him. Untrue, because without his intention, Cas has changed their routines and schedules enough that they won’t make it to their winter route.It seems a little less than clear-cut to him whether his presence is actually helping anything.But Dean’s shy smiles are beautiful, and if there’s something Cas doesn’t want to do, it’s to lose that smile. So instead of even trying to answer in words, he walks a little closer to let his shoulder brush Dean’s. When they make camp that night, the volume in their corral seems subdued compared to the nights before. They stay close to each other now, the need for shared heat larger than the need for privacy. The pack still tries to give Dean and Cas as much space as they can, to let them find moments on their own, but huddled together under the insufficient shelter of trees or the fabric and leathers they string between their wagons if no other shelter is to be found, no one has a space to themselves. In a way, Cas is glad that things came to a head before the beginning of winter. If he was still not talking to them, still not part of them, he isn’t sure he could have suffered this many humans this close.As it is, he registers them, probably still more than they register each other, but their nearness doesn’t bother him. In fact, he uses it to figure out more about them. Today’s news, their change in plans for the winter, have affected them all, if to different degrees. Cas searches out the ones he is closest to, the ones he knows best. Though he avoids Sam, not being completely sure whether Sam doesn’t blame him for their departure from their normal routes, and if he does, whether he feels the need to confront Cas about it. But he checks with the others.Jo is worried, her gait stiff and her face tight. She gives him a smile when she notices his gaze, but her eyes stare right through him, as if her thoughts are already miles ahead of them. Benny is less outwardly worried, his stout frame solid and unshaken as always. But he keeps sending glances in Dean’s direction, so at the very least, he is worried about him. Charlie is doing needlework by the fire but her needle works slowly, much slower than when she is concentrated. Instead, she looks around, assessing the pack’s reaction much the same way he is, Cas thinks.She catches his gaze of course, seeing how she was already alert. But when he sends her a questioning look, all she does is shrug. “I’m new like you. Or, not quite as new, but I definitely wasn’t around back then. I can’t tell you anything.”He accepts it with a nod. Not that he would have asked.Something edges into the corner of his awareness. He sits still, trying to orient himself towards the disturbance. His eyes land on the big pot over the cooking fire. Missouri is stirring it, adding fresh snow to the thick stew to water it down. It’s a small noise, were the others as rambunctious as normal, he’d definitely not hear it. But as it is, it’s got his attention. She’s humming a dancing tune under her breath while working. She’s in a good mood. She is the only one in a good mood.Determined, Cas sets aside the furs he had been working on stitching together and gets up to find his way over several bedrolls towards Missouri.“Guessing you’re not here for the stew, sugar,” she smiles at him.“I am if I can help.”“Sure thing,” she nods and presses the ladle into his hand.He obediently starts stirring. The stew is more of a molasses right now, the fresh snow water staying on top while the mass is slow in warming up. He does his best to mix the new and the old while Missouri goes through their stores to find whatever she wants to add today.“Garth is good at this,” she says when she comes back, a small basket with mushrooms and a few winter herbs in her hand.“He says he can smell the mushrooms even under the snow.”“More like, he knows where they’re likely to grow,” Missouri snorts. “Either way, they’ll give the stew new flavor and us new strength.”Mushrooms are not his favorite but he doesn’t contradict her. He’s glad enough that they all still get to eat.“Ask what you came to ask,” she looks straight at him. “The stew won’t need stirring forever.”“What do you know that they don’t? About where we’re going.”She nods, both like she’s expected the question and like she’s satisfied that he’s done as she requested and has come straight to the point. There may be many lessons he has not learned yet, but this is not one of them. Things are much simpler when you take Missouri by her word.“Not as much as you hope right now,” she answers but her lips are still curled up in a smile.“I don’t believe you.”She answers the insolence that would have gotten him punished anywhere else with a good-natured chuckle. “I am doing a good job as wise woman of this clan then, if you can’t imagine that there are things that I do not know.”“Please. Why are you not worried when everyone else is?”Instantly, she becomes serious again. “It is my private truth only. It will not help him.” She nods in Dean’s direction, who is going over tomorrow’s route with Benny and Jo.“Please,” he repeats his request.“Alright,” she nods. “You know that this is true for many of us, and it is true for me, too. I have blood family outside of this pack. And if I’m not very mistaken, Dean is leading us right to where they live.”“They?”“Well, she . My favorite.” She smiles a secretive little smile. “She’s got the same talents I do.” She leans in a little closer so that no one else will overhear. “Means I know she’s still alive. Cause I would feel the ripple caused by her death. Means that I’m pretty sure that we’ll find a spot for winter where we’re going.” She straightens back up and takes the ladle out of his hand. “You have your answer. Come back when the stew is ready.”He doesn’t protest, just tells her “thank you” and goes back to his stitching, pondering her answer silently.He never gets the chance to go back for his stew, either, because Dean is already bringing them filled bowls. Cas puts his work aside to take the hot food.“It’s too dark to work on this, you’ll ruin your eyes.”It’s a soft reprimand, all worry and not a hint of intent to punish. Cas lowers his head for a moment in acknowledgement, but he thinks they both know that he will be at it again tomorrow night. There are not enough daylight hours anymore to get this done without straining his eyes. And he wants to get it done before the temperatures drop to where they hurt in the depth of winter.Cas smiles at the thought even though he doesn’t look forward to that time of year. He smiles because Dean knows that the furs are the ones that Cas found in his chest up in Angels’ Nest, but he doesn’t know that the vest that they will be made into will be a gift for him. It might be a small way in which Cas can help to keep Dean safe, but it is still something he can do for Dean and he looks forward to it.“Thank you for the food,” Cas says instead of uttering any of this.Dean smiles, no - preens , as he always does when Cas thanks him. It makes him look young and happy, the sorrows and worries of leading the pack that tighten his face disappearing for a few heartbeats.It is that mainly, why Cas had needed only a few days to give up protesting this particular reversal of their roles. Why he’s started to accept Dean’s insistence on doing menial tasks for the both of them. If it makes Dean happy, then so be it.“Did they take it well?” Cas asks and indicates where Jo and Benny are still huddled together over maps. Sam and Charlie have joined them now.“As well as could be expected,” Dean answers. “They won’t counter it anyway. They have no better ideas.”Cas shakes his head, though he does so with a smile.“What?”“You suffer insubordination so easily. It still baffles me.”“Fat load of good it would do me to have advisors if I then didn’t let them advise me.”Cas shakes his head again, though he eats without further comment. It really is that easy to Dean, he thinks, and his pack accepts it without even a doubt that this is how the world is supposed to work. None of them seem in the slightest aware of what a miracle their pack is.Dean stares into the fire as he eats, chewing slowly and without tasting any of his food, Cas would bet.“Will they have a space for us? Or will we stay with the wagons?” Cas asks because Dean’s thoughts are with their destination anyway.“Hmm? Oh, they can find space for us if they take us in. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’ll put us to work, but we’ll be warm enough.”“She?”Dean nods. “Jody.” He doesn’t elaborate but his forehead has gotten that steep frown again.“You didn’t part on good terms?” Cas guesses.“I – I’m not sure on what terms we parted,” Dean says. “Her lover and their pup died, last time I saw them. It wasn’t our fault,” he hurries to assure, “Not directly anyway. But she wasn’t exactly happy about it.”That sounds like an understatement. But there’s something else that makes Cas tilt his head. “Is she the Alpha or the Omega?” Though of course it should be impossible for an Omega to have the power to decide about housing them. But with this pack, everything is possible.Dean smiles a little, though his scent remains gloomy, “Your rare fertile Beta. It’s a shame, too, that her pup was killed. I doubt that that miracle will happen for her again.”“How does she – how does she cope with that?” He isn’t even sure whether he means the loss of the pup or the fact that the pup existed in the first place. Fertile Betas aren’t sold like Omegas, but they’re seen as freaks of nature that society generally shuns.“By being badass,” Dean answers and this time his smile is real. “You see now why I don’t believe we have to be worried about how she treats you?”And it’s not actually that part that Cas isn’t sure about. “You can always command her how to treat me. I’m not sure the same is true about…”“Us?” Dean asks.Cas nods silently.“She’s going to have to deal,” Dean shrugs.“Dean, it’s not – it’s not that simple. You bring me food. You do simple tasks for me. You’re helping me with everything!” Cas accuses, because even someone as stubborn as Dean must see how insane that will look to the outside world. Even their own pack is a little leery, judging by the way they have started doing their own dishes again, refusing Cas’ attempts to try to do the task once they noticed that there was a risk Dean would be the one actually doing the cleaning.“I am,” Dean nods, apparently completely and utterly satisfied with himself and the fact that Cas noticed his acts of service, and not in the slightest catching up on Cas’ meaning.And that’s just – Cas has no words to argue against that. It’s a lost cause. He shakes his head again, puts down his empty bowl and draws a little closer to Dean, who instantly opens his arms so that Cas can lean against his side. He rests his head against Dean’s chest, content to enjoy Dean’s warmth and his calm scent and leave the future to the future for now.A week onwards, the weather warms up a little, though that doesn’t make anything better. Instead of walking through snow, they are trudging through slush now. It’s less dangerous for the horses but it’s exhausting for the humans. Not to mention gross.Dean could of course be riding his stallion but he steadfastly trots next to Cas. Until, that is, Charlie leads her dun-colored mare up to them one morning when they’re setting out for the day.“Okay, Cas, here’s the thing. We’ve neglected you in the past few weeks. Or, not you, but your training. We’re traveling so much and it gets dark so fast that there is little time for lessons. Well, I’ve found a solution. Here,” she holds the reins out to him. “As of now, you’re learning how to ride.”And that is not a thing Cas has expected - or wanted. He takes an immediate step backwards. “But you need her. You need to scout ahead,” he reasons.“Come on, Cas, Bella is a sweetheart. She won’t give you any trouble. And you like horses.”“But I can’t… I don’t…” Helplessly, he turns to Dean.It’s instantly clear, though, that Dean won’t be any help here. “She’s right. We have neglected your lessons. And they wanted to teach you how to ride before we ever reached Angels’ Nest.”“And you told them No!” Cas argues.“Because their proposal was to split the group! That’s not the case now. Or is it, Charlie?”“Nah,” she waves dismissively. “Do what you normally do. Just, you know, on a horse.”Dean snorts and lets his horse’s reins fall to the ground, a sign for the stallion to stay where he is.“Come on, Cas, I’ll help you up.”Dean takes position to the left of the horse, brings his hands together to make a stable foothold and bends forward to make it easier for Cas to reach.It still takes Charlie nudging him forward for Cas to actually consider doing this.“Bella’s got a peaceful nature, just hold on to her mane and the saddle, and let Dean lift you up,” Charlie tells him with an encouraging pat to his shoulder.“Are you sure?” He isn’t even sure whether he’s asking Dean or Charlie but it doesn’t make much difference, seeing how they both nod.“C’mon, Cas, you can do this.”So Cas does. He places his muddy boot in Dean’s palms and grabs at whatever part of the saddle he can reach.“One, two, hop.”Cas doesn’t even really help, his timing is off, but Dean’s Alpha strength lifts him easily enough and he doesn’t have time for more than one fearful breath before he finds himself in the saddle.“Awesome,” Charlie smiles and pats Bella’s neck. “Though we gotta adjust the stirrups. You’re a wee bit taller than me.”“I’ll do it,” Dean immediately offers.Charlie smirks at him,” Yeah, Alpha. Gotta make sure your man is comfortable and all.”Dean frowns. “It’s a safety issue. Cas is only just learning to ride.”“Yeah sure,” Charlie cackles. “It’s not an excuse to touch him some more at all, either.”Dean turns slightly red at that and mutters something under his breath that is probably not completely friendly, but he doesn’t stop what he’s doing. He adjusts the length of the leathers fastening each of the stirrups to the saddle and then carefully places Cas’ legs and feet in the right position.“It’s going to make you sore for the first few days until you’re used to the horse. That’s not avoidable I fear.”Charlie snickers again but she tosses the reins, which she was still holding, over the mare’s neck and hands them to Cas. “For now, leave these hanging loose unless you want her to stop. Dean will teach you how to guide her, but as long as Kaz is next to her she’ll do whatever he does. Especially since,” she holds up a rope that is fastened to Bella’s bridle, “Dean’s going to lead for now.”She puts the lead rope in Dean’s hand, salutes him lazily and turns on her heels. “You’ll find me with the wagons today, Alpha. Your brother is scouting ahead.”“Thanks, Charlie,” Dean nods and picks up Kaz’ reins from the ground. It doesn’t take more than one well-practiced motion and Dean is in the saddle as well. “Off we go.” Dean clicks his tongue and both horses fall into a leisurely pace.Still, Cas holds tight to the mane of the mare because everything is suddenly in motion. It isn’t the steady rolling of a wagon, either, there are four different hooves doing four different things.Dean visibly bites back a grin. “Bella won’t throw you, no worries. And we’ll stay slow until you feel comfortable with a faster pace.”“But why do I even have to learn this?” Cas grouses. “This is not a skill I need.”“I’m not sure I agree with you, Cas,” Dean answers with a thoughtful shake of his head. “I’d feel better when we travel through cities, having you on a horse next to me or on my horse behind me. Less chance of anyone messing with us.”“Or they’re going to mess with us extra because they find it suspicious having an Omega on a horse!”Dean chuckles. “You really don’t like poor Bella, huh? But that’s still not an argument. You could be pregnant after all. It’s only natural for me to want to protect both you and my offspring.”That shuts Cas up. There is of course no possibility whatsoever that he is pregnant. Cas hasn’t had a heat since things have changed between them, and Dean’s not even seeming impatient for that moment to arrive. He has in fact, done nothing but what Missouri has called courting Cas. Which is all very proper and doesn’t go beyond cuddling and the occasional kiss. Admittedly, they really haven’t had as much as half an evening on their own, and Cas thinks that Dean is rather private about these things. Cas himself doesn’t really see the difference, but then, he has the creeping suspicion that he and Dean have different expectations about this particular part of their relationship and what it is supposed to mean. Knowing Dean, he’s going to want to find beauty and connection in it.“You okay?” Dean asks.It’s only when Dean makes him aware that Cas notices that his hands had been cramped in the mare’s mane to the point where she’s started to unwillingly shake her head. He makes an effort to relax and pats her neck. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes to both the horse and Dean.“We don’t have to do this. If it really makes you this upset, we can walk.”Cas almost laughs, the horse has so little to do with what upset him. “No, it’s fine. She’s suffering me quite well.” He pats her again, wanting to be in her good graces if he has to spend more time on her back. “I’m good, Dean. I really am,” he repeats when Dean doesn’t seem convinced. “Teach me?”Dean stares at him for another long moment, trying to figure him out, but then he nods and starts explaining. Reins, flanks, shifting of weight, verbal commands – there’s a lot and Cas doubts that he’s going to remember even half of it. But concentrating on trying makes him forget the swaying and the height and the fact that Bella could buck him off any time she wanted. So after a while he feels secure enough to tell Dean that they can try something a little faster.Trot is not going to become Cas’ favorite, that much he knows immediately. It’s bouncy and uncomfortable and he has to go back to holding onto the saddle and mane just to be sure he won’t accidentally slide off the horse. He glances over towards Dean but Dean seems completely at ease. Practice then. Somehow one can get used to this with practice.Cas doesn’t have to hold out for too long, though. They’re only a few bends and curves away from the main group before Dean reins in Kaz, bringing Bella to a halt with them.“We’re close to human settlements already. The territory is not safe. I don’t want to get too far ahead.”Cas nods his understanding and even manages to turn Bella around so that she comes to a halt closer to Kaz. “That speed was distinctly unpleasant.”Dean chuckles. “Yeah, it’s not my favorite, either. We’ll get around to galloping at full tilt, no worries.”Cas thinks he can actually feel the blood leaving his face. “That sounds even worse.”That makes Dean laugh outright. “Nah, Cas, it’s not. It’s much more comfortable and so much more fun.” He stretches a hand out, maybe to pat Cas’ shoulder in commiseration, but then instead, he lets it glide down Cas’ arm until he’s got Cas’ hand in his. “I promise you’ll like it.”And that sounds like a promise that also fits the thoughts Cas had earlier. And thus, like a promise that Cas isn’t sure Dean can keep. “We’ll see,” he mumbles, eyes on his horse’s neck instead of on Dean. But he doesn’t let go of Dean’s hand. It starts raining again shortly after, making humans and animals slouch alike, even though the humans at least have the advantage of being able to pull their hoods up over their heads. It gives an illusion of dryness, though the heavy fabric of Cas’ coat becomes heavier still with every passing hour as it progressively gets soaked.Benny and Jo are already scouting ahead to see whether they find a place to camp for the night when Sam makes his way to them.“Dean, can I talk to you?”Cas hunches his shoulders when Sam comes to walk between Bella and Kaz. With Dean, he’s used to, well, not being taller than him, but being on the same height at least. Sam on the other hand, Sam towers. It’s his pure physical size of course, but Cas is not always sure that Sam doesn’t also tower on purpose. He is wary enough of Dean’s and Cas’ relationship that it is a distinct possibility. So that Cas on his horse is currently the taller of them is unsettling.Not that Sam really pays him much mind. He is focused on his brother.“What is it, Moose?”Now, Sam throws a frown in Cas’ direction after all before he turns back to Dean. “You really plan on springing all of us on them? Just like that? No advance warning at all?”“You want to ride ahead,” Dean deducts.“Damn right I do.”“I don’t like it.”“I knew you wouldn’t.”“We don’t split up when we don’t know what we’re getting into.”“We’re not endangering the whole pack when we can scout out a location first, either.”“She remembers you even less than me.”“Well, that’s probably for the best, don’t you think?”The snide remark shuts Dean up, though the tight line of his jaw communicates his anger clearly.Cas himself would like to sink into the ground and be forgotten. Or walk in the middle of their trek with Missouri. Anything but be here.“Dean, come on,” Sam finally relents. “You know as well as I do that you’re needed here. They need their Alpha. I’m expendable. I’m the one you send on missions like this.”“Well, you’re not expendable to me,” Dean bites. “So you take Kaz and you give your own horse to Ellen. She’s hopefully enough to keep your temper in check and keep you from doing something stupid. And if she isn’t, well, Kaz is the fastest horse we’ve got.”Sam rolls his eyes but he doesn’t comment, only asks, “Do you want me to bring personal word from you with me?”“I’ll write the letter tonight.”Sam nods. “Then we’ll ride tomorrow.” If Cas thought that Sam taking Kaz means he’s going to get out of further riding lessons for the time being, the next morning shows that he’s mistaken.“Come on, Cas, up you go.”“Dean, you don’t even have a horse! I can’t ride while you walk!”Dean of course only smirks. “Arguing with me now, are we?”Cas’ stomach does an unpleasant swoop when he notices that, yes, that is actually what he was doing. And no matter what, that is not okay.“Hey, hey Cas, look at me,” Dean’s suddenly has a hand on Cas’ arm.Cas obeys automatically, looking at Dean with a blank face.“I didn’t mean it badly, Cas. Believe me, I didn’t. Everyone in this pack will tell you that I need arguing with. And you’ve got as much right to do that as anyone else. Okay?”Cas nods. What else is he supposed to do? But he knows that his face is still devoid of any expression and that his scent will show his guilt.Dean sighs and lets go of him, holding his hands up in a peaceful gesture. “I’m sorry, Cas. I shouldn’t have joked like that.”Cas nods again, a little jerkily, and turns towards the horse. He can do that as Dean wishes at least.“Wait, let me help.”Dean’s hand is there then, steadying Cas’ foot in the stirrup, giving him an extra push to swing easily onto the horse. Immediately, Cas’ buttocks and legs complain, remembering the long time in the saddle yesterday and not happy about a repeat. But the pain is nothing that compares to other pains in Cas’ life, so he pushes his heels into the mare’s side giving her slack with the reins and clicking his tongue. Apparently, he is a bit too harsh with her because she starts trotting for a few steps before Dean’s hand on the reins slows her back down to an easy pace.“Unless you wanted to ride off and away,” Dean says and takes his hand away from the reins again. He sounds entirely too honest about that for it to be a joke.“Of course not,” Cas scoffs, though he does it quietly.“I’m glad,” Dean answers and looks up at Cas, a smile on his face, though his scent stays sad.“Dean, you know that I…,” he breaks off, not entirely sure about his own sentence, especially since Dean keeps looking at him. Cas darts a quick look around but no one else is really close to them. At least that. “That I chose you,” he finishes softly. “There is no need for – all of this.”“Oh Cas,” Dean’s scent loses nothing of its sadness, though he puts a hand on Cas’ leg, connecting them physically. “There is every need to show you how much it means to me that you came back.”“You have shown me. You are showing me.”“And I will keep doing it.”“You can’t -,” Cas notices the strong word a moment too late, but he takes a deep breath and pushes through. “You can’t keep doing this forever.”Dean’s face immediately turns determined, his scent stubborn, his whole body communicating ‘try me’ . “I’ve waited a long time for you to come into my life, Cas. Now I’m willing to wait for you to be ready as long as it takes. If that means forever, I will wait that long as well.”“But ready for what, Dean? Why are you doing this?” Cas asks and it is as honest a question as he’s ever asked. Dean’s already got him, what is he waiting for?“Because you don’t know the answer to that question,” Dean says quietly. “That’s why I do this.”“Dean, I don’t understand.” Cas can’t help it, some of his frustration shines through.But Dean isn’t upset. He pushes a wet lock out of his face and blinks up at Cas against the rain that’s started up again. “You will. You’ll figure it out.”“You could always just tell me,” Cas answers drily.That makes Dean laugh. “Nah, Cas, where’s the fun in that?” He pats Bella’s neck and turns around to start walking again, staying level with the mare’s shoulder. They reach the first outcrops of human settlements shortly after. Cas expects Dean to ask him to dismount, but all that happens is that Benny joins them, flanking Bella on the right where Dean is flanking her on the left. Both men look grim and Benny keeps a hand on his sword, ready to draw at a moment’s notice.“If we keep good pace, we’ll make it by nightfall. Any word from your brother yet?”“Not yet,” Dean shakes his head.“You know that I trust your judgement, Chief, but I don’t like this.”“What would you have me do? Camp outside and hope that the winter shows us mercy? Starve Cas in the hopes that weakening his body will stave off a heat until it can be survived in spring? Risking that the cold will kill him anyway?”“We’ve found a way to deal with the cold before, we can do it again,” Benny grumbles.“And we will if we have to, just as we always have. But I will not risk the life of my pack needlessly.”“You’re risking it by bringing us into town as well.”“It’s Bobby’s town.”“He’s dead , Dean.”“I’m aware,” Dean snaps, patience finally running thin. “Believe me, I’m very well aware.”Hiding is very rarely an option anymore but right now, Cas really wishes it would be. Or that Dean would at least not have brought his biology into this argument. He can feel his face burn at the mention of his heat, a topic whose discussion he hates almost as much as the thing itself. To know that it is not only a public point of discussion, but an argument for their course of travel, is nauseating.“Cas?” Dean, as so often, notices when Cas’ scent turns sour.But there is nothing to say to this. Nothing but, “I’m sorry.” For being a bother and a hassle and forcing Dean to make risky decisions.“Don’t be. There is absolutely no reason for it. I lead this pack. I make the choices. If this turns sour, it’ll be my fault. You can chew me out then, Benny. But not yet. Not before we haven’t even tried.”Benny shakes his head but his voice is more peaceful when he answers, “You know best, Chief. I hope anyway.”“Missouri is not against it.” It comes out louder than planned, Cas’ face feeling even more on fire. “Missouri is not against it,” he repeats in a quieter voice. “And I think she would know. If there was danger.”He shuts up quickly after that. No one asked his opinion, after all. He’s not even supposed to have an opinion and Dean doesn’t need him interfering on his behalf anyway. Not that Cas has any right to that, either, seeing how he is the one who caused all the trouble in the first place.“Cas! Hey, Cas!”It’s Dean’s hand on his thigh, shaking him like he’s trying to wake him up, that makes him aware. His face is wetter than the light snowfall that’s set in again a few hours ago can account for.“I’m sorry,” he repeats and brings the mare to a stop to let himself glide off her back.Dean’s holding the reins, a hand ready to catch him should Cas fall, and Cas just can’t. He can’t do this. It’s too much.A sob finds its way out of his throat, he puts a hand over his mouth to stop it, to stop himself from giving in to this. Then he turns around and flees. Because he can’t stop this, but he can’t cry in front of Dean, either.He shoves his way through the tight assembly of humans and wagons, for once not caring that he isn’t gentle. That he is drawing attention. But then he doesn’t know where to go. There is no place to be alone in a pack like this, not when they’re on the move. And he can’t fall back, he knows that, too.That is how he ends up climbing onto the coach of the wagon that holds the weapons and his chest and Dean’s. These days, it’s also got their furs for the night laid out to dry during the day. It’s the only place where there’s something that is his. As much as anything in this world is his. He shouldn’t be in here, shouldn’t make the horses that are drawing the carriage work harder just because the tears won’t stop flowing from his eyes, but he does it anyway, because he’s shaking and he can’t fall back.He shakes off the snowflakes, decides to rather get rid of his whole cloak, doesn’t want to bring wetness to the furs again, that have just started drying.So he lets his coat fall near the entrance and instead hugs himself into their bear fur. It smells like Dean and him, months of sharing a bed having imprinted it with their combined scents. He pushes his face deeper into the furs, inhaling the scent like a lifeline. He’s causing so much trouble. So many plans changed because of him. It’s not right. Can’t be right. Especially since Dean doesn’t take anything in return.That’s not something Alphas do. Hell, that’s not something people do. They don’t give and give and give and never want anything in return. And it’s not like Cas hasn’t offered. He’d offered his body first, when he’d hardly known Dean, but he’d offered his heart as well, that night when he came back from Angels’ Nest. And Dean had wanted that, right? Dean still wants that. Cas can smell it. And yet, Dean doesn’t take. Instead, he brings Cas food and he helps with the dishes and he lets Cas give back even less than he was able to before. Cas growls wordlessly. It's frustrating, that’s what it is. Dean’s gotta be the most frustrating Alpha there’s ever been.Of course, he’s also the kindest and most caring person Cas has ever met. And that includes when he was a child before he presented and his fate was sealed. That pack wasn’t like this pack. They didn’t stand together the same way. And their Alpha certainly worried more about his pack’s obedience and less about his pack’s comfort. Priorities that Cas is sure Dean would scoff at.Why is all of this so complicated? Why can’t it be easy? Why can’t Cas be helpful and not make trouble? Why can’t he be like everyone else? That brings the unwanted tears back to his eyes, so he rolls himself into their blankets faster. “It's just me,” Dean’s voice comes out of the dark when Cas jerks awake.“How long have I– what am I doing here?”“If you’re asking how long you’ve been asleep, I’m guessing pretty much through the afternoon. It’s already dark out. But I can’t actually tell you what you’re doing here. I didn’t expect to find you here. Though I’m glad that I did.”Only, Dean’s voice isn’t glad. It’s dark and – hurt.“You were looking for me?” Cas tries to find his way back from his uneasy dreams about cold mountains and feverish snowfalls and into this conversation.“Benny kept me from going after you immediately. Said that I’m in your space too much and to give you some time. Only then, when you didn’t come back, no one had seen you for hours.”Cas shakes his head to clear it. Someone must have seen him climb in, right? At the very least, someone was leading the horses that pull the wagon. A thought which makes him notice, “We’re not moving anymore.”“No. We found a spot. Close enough to be within reach. Far enough that we’re not a bother. We’ll go in tomorrow morning. It’s never good to surprise people after dark.”That makes sense to Cas, so he nods, though he isn’t sure the motion is visible to Dean.“Do you want me to go?”“What?”“If you don’t want me here, I’ll go. I came looking for you to make sure you’re okay. For a minute there I thought -,” Dean breaks off. “Anyway, I found you and unless you tell me otherwise, I’m assuming you’re safe and sound,” he adds gruffly. “So if you want me to, I can go.”For a moment, Cas is too stunned to even answer. Then he asks, “Did you think I ran?”Dean makes a small wounded sound before clearing his throat and affecting a neutral voice. “It was a possibility. Didn’t really expect you to search out the company of the weapons.”Cas huffs an unhappy noise. “I didn’t. I was looking for –,” he stumbles for a moment but Dean’s scent is still hurt and betrayed and Cas doesn’t need to add that to his list of sins. “I was looking for a place that’s mine.” He crawls over to where Dean is sitting, bringing the bear furs with him. “Here, this, this brought me comfort.” He puts an end of the furs in Dean’s hand, knowing that Dean will recognize them.Dean’s fingers grip the edge of the furs and he nods. “I’m glad,” he mumbles. “I’m glad that there’s something here that brings you comfort.”Cas is silent for a long moment before he asks, “You know that the furs bring me comfort because they have our scents stuck to them, right?” Because he honestly isn’t sure anymore whether Dean knows.“What did I do to make you run?” Dean asks back, the hurt in his scent shifting to something more self-deprecatory. “If you tell me, I can try to do better. If it is something that can be fixed.”“Dean.” Cas is at a loss for words when the Alpha’s scent starts tasting of saltwater. Like he actually believes he did something wrong that scared Cas away forever. “Dean, no.” He loosens Dean’s hold on the furs and intertwines his own fingers with Dean’s instead.“Please, Cas. Please tell me.” It’s whispered softly, so far away from an Alpha command that even Cas knows that this is not an order to obey.He swallows heavily. He doesn’t think he’s ever discussed his heats with anyone. Let alone with an Alpha, and one who has so far not even touched Cas in those places. Not that Cas has ever before known an Alpha who didn't immediately touch and instead wanted to talk to him like Dean does.“I just- I didn’t know that-,” he stutters, “that my, umm, heats were a decision criterion.”“Oh.” Dean takes a moment before he carefully says. “Cas, I’m sorry if it upset you that I talked about this with Benny. But of course your health is a decision criterion.”And yeah, Cas kind of knew that, but still. “I’m sorry.”“What for?” Dean frowns.“Because even my biology is making trouble for you. I can’t change the way my body works.” The feeling of despair comes back as a twist in his stomach. Even trying to be good and helpful and doing everything right, he can’t change his biology. He’ll always be trouble.“Oh Cas.” Suddenly, he finds himself wrapped in strong Alpha-arms, the scent of Dean engulfing him from all sides. “You’re not trouble. No more than any of us are trouble anyway. I want to keep all of us alive.”“None of you has heats,” Cas mumbles into Dean’s shirt. Even the word leaves a bitter taste.“If Jody takes us in, we’ll be able to make you comfortable. Get you your own room. Keep you warm and fed and make sure you get enough of Missouri's tea.”Missouri's tea with the herbs against the pain. A tea that Missouri has personally fed him every time. Though after the first try, she never gave him the full dose, because the minute he felt like he could move, he’d tried to get up and do some of his tasks again. Missouri had scolded him for risking his health, but Dean hadn't been there and Cas’ body had yearned while his mind tried to cope with the feeling of being rejected by the only Alpha who had ever been good to him, and lying there on his own with nothing but bad memories and the fever to keep him company had seemed too much to bear.Which - it almost sounds like Dean will make him go through this again. Like Dean will leave him alone again.“Cas?”Cas only notices that he has freed himself from Dean’s touch when Dean’s confused voice makes him aware.“Cas? What did I do wrong?”Dean sounds honestly confused about it. As if he doesn’t know that the tea against the pain wouldn’t even be necessary if he was there. Not unless he intentionally makes Cas hurt. But then, Dean being there could have other consequences. Consequences that Dean might not like. Though of course, there’s a remedy for that as well.“It isn’t the only tea Missouri has. I could drink that other tea as well. The one that would make sure that - that I won’t get with child.” He whispers it, not sure how it will be taken that he even knows about such things, much less that he proposes to make use of them.For a long moment, there is utter silence. Dean seems to have stopped breathing. Then he lets his breath out in a rush. “I’ve always thought that that tea - that it is dangerous.”Cas shakes his head. “No. It’s bitter and it makes you a little nauseous, but it isn’t dangerous. Not if you know the right dosage. Missouri wouldn’t give me too much.”“And you’d,” Dean swallows heavily, “you’d prefer that over the other option?”Dean can’t honestly be saying what Cas thinks he’s saying. “Do you still believe you’d be forcing yourself on me?” Dean has to know by now that that’s untrue.“Cas, I - I don’t want you to bear my attentions because you have to.” He trails off for a moment, his voice unsure. But when he starts back up again his tone is determined. He touches a hand to Cas’ hip, or not to his hip, to the carving knife that’s still in its sheath at Cas’ side. “I know I gave this to you for a different reason but I’m glad that you wear it. Use it if you have to. If anyone touches you against your will. Even if that anyone is me.”“Dean…”“No, Cas, no. No excuses. If I ever hurt you, you defend yourself. If you need that to be an order from me, then it is now an order. You don’t let anyone hurt you. Anyone. Understood?”“I can’t promise you that I’ll like it.” It breaks out of Cas even though he had had no intention of sharing the sentiment with Dean. “Lying with you, I mean. At least outside of heat.” During heat, it brings relief. A clearer brain and a body that feels boneless in a way that lets him float above the pain for a while before he gets drawn back down into it. But outside of heat…“I know that,” Dean answers.“But I’ve also never felt anything but safe with you, Dean.”Dean shakes his head. “That’s not true. I remember you white as fresh snow because you expected me to punish you.”Cas takes Dean’s hand again, weaves their fingers together. “And even then I felt safe.” When Dean starts to protest, he shushes him gently. “You are never needlessly cruel. You never make up arbitrary rules to use against someone. You don’t enjoy hurting others. You are always safe, Dean.”For a long moment it's quiet as Dean thinks about it. Then he nods.“I think I understand,” he says softly. “Safety to you is predictability of an outcome you can bear, whether it is painful or not. Which brings me right back to my original point of course.”“You want me to want you.”“Yes, Cas, I do,” Dean nods and draws Cas closer so that he can hide his face against Cas’ hair. “Is that wrong of me?”“No. It’s just…”“That I might have to wait a very long time. I already know that, Cas. It doesn’t scare me. This is worth the the wait. You are worth the wait.”Their talk by the horses comes back to Cas, where Dean had used almost the same words. Back then, Cas hadn’t understood. Now that he does, he isn’t sure whether that makes anything better. It definitely doesn’t make anything easier.But the one thing Cas knows is, “Heat hurts, Dean. Even with the tea against pain, it hurts.”“And it wouldn’t if I, umm,” Dean clears his throat, “you know.”“No. That would take most of the pain away. Unless you make it hurt for me on purpose.”“Why would I do that?” Dean asks, apparently genuinely puzzled.Cas averts his eyes. “Some Alphas like it,” he whispers. “To have their Omega cry at their hand and still have them come back begging for more because their need is so strong and that Alpha is the only option they have.”Dean doesn’t answer, maybe doesn’t know what to answer, but his arms come up in a protective circle around Cas, holding him close like there was someone who wanted to hurt Cas right this second.Cas appreciates it, Dean caring for him and wanting to protect him, but, “People say Omega’s bodies are weak but it isn’t true. We survive a lot, Dean. Whatever you decide to do about this, I will survive it.”“But you’d rather I’d be there? During your heat?”“Yes.” There is no doubt about it.A shudder goes through Dean before he nods, “Then I will be there.” And after a moment, “I’m sorry for not asking, Cas. I thought with all of these Alphas at Crowley’s… but I shouldn’t have assumed.”“You are not them.”“No, I’m not. I don’t want to become one of them in your heart and mind, either.”As if there was ever any danger of that. Cas chuckles at the thought and relaxes against Dean’s chest, curling up into Dean’s warmth, “Sometimes you are very silly, Alpha.”“Am I?” Dean asks, but his voice turns warm and fond, the hurt from before disappearing at Cas’ display of affection.“Yes,” Cas confirms. “Silly Alpha.” And because it feels good to make Dean’s scent turn warm and fond, he punctuates it with a kiss to Dean’s neck. “Good Alpha. Always good, to everyone, but especially to me. Couldn’t wish for anyone better.”That produces a low content rumble, as Dean finally relaxes. Cas brings a hand up to cup Dean’s face, letting his fingers glide along the side of Dean’s face. It’s not as smooth now, not with winter being what it is and the effort to heat water for shaving often too much. But Cas doesn’t mind the new growth of hair. Dean is always Dean. He peels his eyes away from Dean’s lips and looks up at him, question in his eyes.“Are you sure?” Dean asks, and yeah, they hadn’t been talking about nice things. But dwelling on the bitterness of the past is never something Cas wants to do. No one knows what the future will hold, but the present moment is good and that is enough for him.So Cas leans in until lips touch lips, until warmth is shared and breaths mingle. It gives him the funniest feeling in his stomach, as it always does. A bumbling and a buzzing, like his insides are tumbling all over each other. It comes with an urge and a pull to be closer. Cas gives in to it, a little at least, rearranges himself so that he is facing Dean, who unceremoniously pulls him into his lap until their chests are flush against each other, before unhurriedly continuing to kiss.It brings them in contact in other places, too. As always, Cas isn’t quite sure what he feels about that. There are too many memories of pain interwoven with this for him to be able to enjoy the friction there. As always, he thinks about it for a moment and then decides to concentrate on the kiss again. To enjoy what he has instead of trying to puzzle out what will be in the future. This, at least, he can give Dean without reservations, and Dean seems to accept it in the same manner in return.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It’s Benny who wakes them in the morning. “Hate to disturb, Chief, but we got word from your brother.” Benny checks out the cramped space in the wagon in which they’re lying and shakes his head. “Though I’m probably sparing you some back pain, not letting you sleep in.” His head disappears from the door again.
Cas takes the time to sort out his limbs. He’s somehow ended up mostly on top of Dean, who’s curled into the space between a weapon’s chest and their personal belongings. It does indeed not look comfortable. “We fell asleep in here.” And then, because his stomach rumbles loudly in protest. “Without dinner.”
“That seems to be the case,” Dean chuckles, before groaning when he tries to sit up. “Definite crick in my neck.” He stretches and gets a good few pops out of his spine.
His good mood takes an instant turn downward, though, when it turns out that the word from Sam they got, is actually a stony-faced Ellen waiting in front of the wagon.
Dean jumps down from the box-seat. “Is he good?” he asks.
“Yeah,” Ellen nods. “They would have let him leave.”
“Yet it’s you who’s here.”
“Practical reasons,” Ellen shrugs though she doesn’t look particularly happy about it. “They’re not going to take us in for free.”
“I didn’t expect them to.”
“Well, it’s you and Sam who are needed for the negotiations.”
“You’re not going alone,” Benny interrupts.
“I won’t,” Dean immediately calms him. “Anything weird?” He asks Ellen.
Ellen shrugs uncomfortably. “Jody and I both knew Bobby well.”
“You did,” Dean nods, obviously not sure what Ellen is trying to say.
“I knew him before Karen. Jody knew him - after.”
Dean takes that in silently.
“Neither of us is too happy about what happened to him.”
“I know that I’m not happy about it, either.”
Ellen waves that off. “I told her about Cas,” she says bluntly. “Sam’s too young to remember how it all went down. But I needed to make sure.”
“And?” Dean asks.
“Better keep him close. The less people outside of Jody’s family know, the better.”
“Jody’s family?” Dean asks with a raised eyebrow.
Ellen huffs a breath that might be laughter. “You’ll see. In fact, I think you’ll be impressed.”
“Alright,” Dean nods. “Benny, we’re taking Charlie, Jo and Garth. Tell them to bring the honey and fur we traded for at Angels’ Nest. That and some coins will hopefully persuade them.”
Benny points with his chin in Cas’ direction, “What about Cas?”
“Comes with us,” Dean decides.
“Might be safer here,” Benny argues.
“Take him,” Ellen interrupts. “She’s gonna want to see for herself.”
“I thought so,” Dean seconds that before turning back around to Cas who’s still standing beside the wagon. “You up for a ride into town?”
He isn’t. He very much isn’t. But he nods anyway.
A few hours later, they’re on their way. Dean’s on his brother’s horse, leading the chestnut gelding with ease, while Cas struggles with Bella, who keeps trying to break out into Charlie’s direction. Still, Dean doesn’t put Bella on a lead today. Cas thinks that it might be a statement but Cas isn’t sure how well that statement’s going to work when he doesn’t manage to control the horse.
Fortunately, once human settlements crowd in on either side of them, the Betas are not running the perimeter as much anymore and are sticking close to their sides instead. Charlie chooses to walk in front of Bella, calming her down enough that she keeps an even pace. Cas is grateful for it even as his stomach balls itself into a tight knot as they come closer to their destination.
Dean wears a quiet frown, outwardly calm and relaxed, but the tight set of his shoulders speaks a different language. Cas has tried asking Dean what is expected of him in this meeting but Dean’s not had any answer for him. ‘I don’t know what to expect from them, so I can’t tell you how this will go.’
Of course that’s not even what Cas had wanted to know. Usually, Dean has a plan for interactions with strangers, and everyone in his pack knows to react accordingly. For Cas, that had always meant to stay quiet, draw no attention to himself and make sure to stick close to the Betas charged with his safety. No one expected a slave to interact anyway. Cas has a feeling that that is not quite how it will go today. Not when Ellen said that they requested his presence specifically.
He wishes they’d told Ellen the reason for it. The only way Cas has ever been part of any negotiations was as merchandise. Now, his papers have stayed behind with the rest of their pack, and he is reasonably sure that Dean is not going to sell him on in any case, but what if other deals are on the table? What if that fertile Beta wants another child but can’t conceive it herself? What if they want to strike a deal where Cas would carry their child?
In his old life, the thought wouldn’t have disturbed him too much. People had to feed you when you’re pregnant. They couldn’t hit you too hard, either, for fear of losing the child. In that life, it wouldn’t have mattered to Cas who lay with him to sire the child. One Alpha was like the other anyway, and he hated all of them. The fate of the child wouldn’t have been his concern, either. It was always clear that it would be taken away from him and he had no influence on their fate.
But now? Now Dean has talked to him of families. Of not wanting a child unless Castiel wants it with him. And even before all of that, now Castiel is used to having an Alpha next to him who touches him gently. Who kisses him sweetly and never demands anything else of him. Who wants him to use the knife at his hip if he ever hurts him.
Oh, if this is the way to assure that his pack has a roof over their heads and a fire to warm themselves at in winter, he will do what has to be done, there is no question about it. Dean won’t have to order him to do what is necessary. But that does not make him hate the thought any less.
At least maybe, if this is indeed what they want him here for, maybe he can persuade Dean to ask them that if the child turns out an Omega, that they’ll give them first right of purchase. It is not a thing that is done usually, of course, and Cas has no idea whether in the decade or so that it will take for the child to present, he will be in any situation to buy his child back. But his own situation has changed so drastically in the past year, that now the thought that any child of his might go through the same things he has gone through makes him sick.
“Cas?” Dean’s hand on his leg wakes him from the depth of his thoughts. “We’re here.”
In fact, Dean has already dismounted, Sam’s gelding nosing against Dean’s shoulder where he’s leading him. So Cas hurries to dismount as well.
A stern looking woman with short hair is waiting for them at the door of the cottage they’ve stopped in front of. Sam is standing next to her, his large frame stooped to fit under the door beam, but otherwise obviously unharmed. It makes Dean breathe a sigh of relief that Cas doesn’t share. Sam is too wary of the bond between Dean and Cas for Cas to be sure that Sam wouldn’t sell him out.
Dean takes the bag with the wares they brought to trade from the gelding’s back, then gives the reins to Garth, while Charlie takes Bella’s reins from Cas’ hand, Benny and Jo finding their place at Cas’ and Dean’s flank.
The woman in the door watches it with raised eyebrows. “You brought a lot of security for friendly negotiations, Dean Winchester.”
“We have both learned it the hard way, that it pays off to always be on your guard, Jody Mills,” Dean replies tightly.
The woman nods. “Yet you made the choice to send Ellen Harvelle ahead. Is she that expandable to you, Alpha?”
“I wasn’t aware that your issues with my pack went beyond my family. If anything, sending my brother was the risk.”
“Then why did you do that?” The woman asks.
Dean snorts. “Because he
wanted
it. There is not much that stops Sam when he wants something.”
Sam makes a noise of protest at that but Dean shushes him with a small shake of his head. It is a calculated move, presenting himself as an Alpha who obliges someone else’s wishes.
“Well then, Dean Winchester, you are welcome in my house for these negotiations. The people you brought from your pack are invited inside as well. But you will not draw any weapons on my property,” she warns Benny and Jo.
“Not unless we’re provoked,” Benny grumbles under his breath.
Dean lays a warning hand on his arm. “Thank you for your hospitality and for considering our request.”
“Yeah, well, no one has ever said that I have particularly good common sense.” She waves at them to follow her into the house.
Dean claps his brother on the shoulder as they’re passing him and Sam nods at him in reply. He’s okay and has been treated well.
Inside, the house looks cozy and well lived in, if currently empty. There is a single other Beta waiting for them in the main room, a blonde woman with long hair and a face that lends itself to an easy smile even if she’s currently looking them over warily.
“This is Donna Hanscum,” Jody Mills introduces. She doesn’t clarify why the other Beta is here or who she is in relation to her. “This is Dean Winchester.”
“Pleasure,” Dean nods before introducing in turn. “Benny Lafitte. Jo Harvelle. Castiel.”
“Jo
Harvelle
?” Jody Mills asks curiously, while the eyes of the woman named Donna have gotten stuck on Cas. He averts his eyes, repressing the urge to step back to have Dean’s body shield him.
“Yeah, I took my mother’s name. You got a problem with that?” Jo immediately bristles.
“Jo!” Dean cautions, even while Cas turns to frown at Jo. He had known that Ellen raised Jo of course. But mother? That implies that Ellen is also a fertile Beta. He hadn’t known that. No one in the pack treats her any differently than any of the other Betas.
“What?” Jo bitches back. “You want us to stay here for the whole winter. They’re gonna have to deal with the fact that we’re not all Winchesters.”
Dean sighs and closes his eyes for a moment. “Jo,” he starts patiently from the beginning. “Whatever issues Jody and Ellen still have to settle, I assure you that they have nothing to do with your mother’s status.”
Jo huffs unconvinced but she keeps quiet, which is about as good an outcome as could be expected.
Dean doesn’t apologize for Jo’s behavior, either. Instead, he turns back to Jody. “You will find both me and my pack changed from who we were under my father’s rule. Whether that change is appreciated by you or not, is your decision to make. I can only present our case as it is.”
Jody nods. “Sit down then, Dean Winchester, and present your case. Donna, will you bring our guests tea, please?”
“Sure thing,” Donna smiles and goes to retrieve the kettle from the fire. There are already mugs on the table for them. Donna pours tea into all of them, including two mugs for herself and Jody.
Meanwhile, Cas looks at Dean for pointers. Dean himself has not hesitated in sitting down on the couch, sinking into the soft cushions. Sam joins him on his right side, while Benny and Jo opt to keep standing, keeping their sentry positions. But Cas has no idea what is expected of him in this scenario. Is he supposed to keep standing? To kneel at Dean’s side? But there’s the table and there’s hardly even enough space for him.
“Just sit down next to me, Cas,” Dean says quietly. “It’s okay.”
Still, Cas hesitates for another moment. There are those people who insist that Omega smell is impossible to get out of fabrics and who thus do not allow Omegas anywhere near their furniture. And with the lack of possibility to thoroughly wash himself during winter, Cas definitely smells like an Omega right now. But disobeying Dean is also not the impression Cas wants to make, so he slowly and carefully sits down, making sure to touch the couch as little as possible.
It’s only when he already sits that he notices that their short exchange has been watched intently by both Jody and Donna.
When Jody becomes aware that their attention has been noticed, she says, “If he’s pregnant and needs medical care, we have someone who can look him over.”
It makes Cas’ stomach twinge unhappily again. He isn’t sure that this question is actually about his welfare and not a ploy to figure out whether he can be used for breeding.
“He’s not and my pack has its own healer who cares for us,” Dean bites, tone for the first time veering into the unfriendly.
“Dean,” Sam tries to calm him down.
“No,” Dean shakes his head. “We might as well get this out of the way first. Whatever you already told them, they’re going to need to hear it from me. I’m the Alpha.”
Sam sighs and nods. Jody is still watching every interaction intently, but Donna is now watching Jody more than them. She has a worried frown on her face.
“Go ahead then,
Alpha
,” Jody says. “Tell us what you think we need to hear.”
“Well,” Dean starts, “first of all what I want to tell you is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that we came back at all. I understand that you would rather not have seen us again. I’m sorry also that we came not to apologize and make amends, but instead in an hour of need. It’s a selfish reason to bother you and I would not have done it had our need not been great.”
“Everyone’s need is great in these times,” Jody answers.
“I know,” Dean nods. “And yet, the past year before this winter has treated my pack kindly enough. I do not expect you to take us in for free. I can offer you compensation. Not so much in coins I’m afraid, but in goods at least.” He nods at Benny who puts the bag with the honey and the furs on the table and opens it to let everyone see what’s inside. “This is honey from Angels’ Nest. If the name is familiar to you, you will know of the quality and the healing properties of this honey. I’m ready to give you every last jar that we traded for.”
“Angels’ Nest trades with you?” Jody narrows her eyes, sending a meaningful look over to Cas before focusing back on Dean.
“Yes,” Dean answers curtly. “Angels’ Nest trades with us.”
“Is this true?” Abruptly, Jody turns to Cas.
“What?” Cas tenses at being addressed.
“Is it true that this honey was traded for at Angels’ Nest?” Jody repeats patiently, never once letting her eyes stray from his face.
Cas looks at Dean for help but Dean shrugs. “Go ahead. Answer her. Maybe she believes you where she doesn’t believe me.”
“Balthazar and Hannah made the trade. Inias and Samandriel were with them. We were there right before fall turned into winter.”
“A dangerous time to be in the mountains.”
“It’s why we didn’t make it to our Southern route,” Dean explains.
Jody’s eyebrows rise even higher. “You took the risk of trading for this honey to give it away now?” It’s uncanny how she circles in on the things Dean is reluctant to tell.
“The honey was a bonus. It was not the main reason we were there. And before you ask, no, we’re not going to trade for the reason we were at Angels’ Nest.” That draws looks even from Benny and Jo, who had been stoic about everything so far. It’s enough to clue in Jody and Donna without ever saying the words out loud.
“I see,” Jody nods. “Though of course that begs another question.”
“He is here by his own free will,” Dean answers before Jody can even ask the question. “And he will not be part of any deal we strike today.”
“Because he’s yours?”
“Because he’s not an object to be traded with,” Dean growls. “If you cannot accept that, we are wasting our time negotiating.”
Jody and Donna exchange a look, then Donna shrugs. “We can ask Patience to make sure. But I believe him.”
“Do you?” Jody turns to Cas again. “Do you believe him that if I made an offer for you right now, he wouldn’t trade you away?”
Immediately, Dean’s growl is back. But Cas hears something different. He holds Jody’s gaze, putting a hand on Dean’s knee to calm him without breaking eye-contact with the Beta. “He will refuse any offer you can make. Even if your offer benefits our whole pack. I am not as stubborn as he is. So if there is anything I can do - anything that doesn’t kill me or parts me from this pack forever - I will do it if it means the safety of our pack through the bitter months of winter.”
“No!” Dean grasps his hand and looks at him horrified. “No, Cas, no! We’re not compromising on this. You’re a person. They have no right to make you do anything.”
“Dean,” Cas puts his other hand on top of Dean’s, trying to calm him down. “You do everything to keep us safe. Let me help.
Because
I am a person.”
“No,” Dean repeats with a fervent shake of his head. “No, Cas, I wouldn’t let anyone else from our pack do this either. Assuring everyone’s safety is
my
responsibility. That is what being the Alpha means.”
“Okay,” Jody interrupts them. “I believe you. Both of you. I assure you that we have no nefarious plans for you, Castiel. Nor do we want to trade for you. But I have a responsibility for my household, too, Dean Winchester. I had to make sure you are not slave traders before even considering letting you stay on my lands for the winter.”
“Slave traders do not fair well when they come here.” Donna says it in an even, almost friendly tone, but there is no mistaking her meaning.
“My father’s opinions late in his life were shaped by grief and bitterness, but not even he fell that far. This pack has never been slavers and we will never be slavers,” Dean answers heatedly.
“Good,” Jody answers just as emphatically. “In that case, let’s get down to business and see what we can do for you.”
It takes a few hours, getting the details hammered down. It’s not all haggling and negotiating, though, a lot of it is also basic practicalities. What buildings they have. How well they are in shape. Whether their chimneys and fireplaces are useable. How to organize food for everyone.
But once they’ve started, there is no talk of things not working out, no talk of this having been a bad idea. Jody and Dean work together as if they had always done so. As if they hadn’t had a heated exchange just a short while ago. At some point Donna gets up and when she comes back, she has a plate of cheese and bacon, already cut into squares for ease of eating, and a large bowl of walnuts. She puts it all on the table, careful not to disturb the proceedings. Jody nods a thanks in her direction but finishes her current point before she takes the first bite. It’s only then that Dean also takes a few squares of bacon. He makes sure to hold the plate out to Cas as well, who takes a few pieces, smiling his thanks at Dean, who smiles back, his whole demeanor having changed to almost normal with the relief that he can give his pack a place to stay for the winter.
So it comes, that a few hours later Donna leads Dean and Cas to a guest room in their house.
“It’s not big but it’s the best we got,” Donna explains. “It’s the only room that’ll afford you some privacy. Which I gather might come in handy.” She doesn’t attach the leering smile to it, though, that usually comes with comments of this kind.
“If you need the room for something else, we are used to sharing the same space as the rest of the pack,” Dean answers.
“Nah, it’s fine,” Donna shrugs. “But I have something else. I have a strong request to make.”
“Whatever it is, if we can fulfill it, we will,” Dean nods.
“Yeah, this one is mostly about you, Alpha. Jody wouldn’t ask because she’s,” Donna makes a complicated gesture with her hands before she settles on, “stubborn. She’d rather guard through the night than ask something of you.”
“Guard through the night?” Dean frowns.
“You’re not the only people apart from us in this house. I mean, you are right now, because Jody didn’t want them close during the negotiations. But there’s a bunch of kids living here. They’re ours in every sense of the word that matters. And I will
not
have an Alpha scare them to death when they go get some water at night. And even less than that will I have an Alpha have his hands on them. They are off limits, understood?”
Dean frowns confused. “Why would I have any undue interest in your children?”
But Cas gets it, what Donna is trying to say. “Because they’re already presented. I’m guessing they’re not all Betas.”
“They’re not,” Donna nods. “Alex and Patience are Betas, Kaia’s an Alpha and Claire is an Omega. And you will leave
all of them
alone.”
“I would never lay a hand on them,” Dean says earnestly. “With or without your warning.”
“You wouldn’t survive it, either, so that’s all for the better,” Donna replies amiably. “I’ll leave you to it then. Shouldn’t take too long for your pack to arrive. Toodles.” With that and a friendly wave, she disappears back in the direction of the living room.
“It would be a mistake to underestimate this one, friendly smile or not,” Dean says with a slight shudder.
Cas nods. He’s definitely noticed that, too.
He turns around to inspect the room they’ve been given. It is small indeed, but it’s got its own little fireplace, a luxury that you usually only find in manors. Cas is in the mood to immediately strip down the bed, relieving it of the mount on blankets on it and exchanging them for their usual furs. He feels short of breath just looking at the sheer height of the blankets. He doesn't want those things pressing down on him.
“Do you like it?” Dean asks.
“Can I put our furs on the bed?” Cas asks back.
Dean chuckles. “Yes, Cas. Of course you can.”
“Then I like it,” Cas nods, allowing himself a small smile as well.
“And it’s okay for you that we share?” Dean asks. “I can sleep with the rest of the pack, you know. And before you say it, you’ve heard them, they have an Omega kid and they want her safe. They’ll understand that I want you safe as well and not freezing in some side-building when you could have a fireplace here.”
“Dean, I don’t think that they assume us to only be sleeping next to each other.” And they won’t be. Not for the whole winter anyway. Not with Cas’ body strong and ready for a heat.
“They can think whatever they want. It doesn’t have any influence on what we do.”
That is maybe true in any private space between the two of them, but it’s definitely not true outside of it. Dean’s already pushing boundaries, treating Castiel the way he is. Though their hosts have so far not commented on it, and the fact that they possess knowledge of Angels’ Nest at all is an indication that Dean wasn’t wrong in his assessment of them. That they are indeed, maybe not as rebellious as Dean in their treatment of Omegas, but at least don’t find pleasure in their pain either. That they’ll understand that Cas needs to eat and to sleep like anyone else. Though Cas is pretty sure that they understood that he’s under Dean’s protection and that Dean’s not going to take it well if they give orders to Cas. Any orders really, but even more so any orders that might be detrimental to Cas’ health.
“If we changed this around a little bit, we could…”, Dean clears his throat, one hand on the mountain of blankets, “we could build an actual den. Cause, you know, we won't have to dismantle it every day.” He blushes, averting his eyes as if his proposal is preposterous. As if he’s expecting Cas to shoot it down. Which is the silliest assumption Cas has ever heard. He closes the step between himself and Dean, pressing his shoulder into Dean’s and looking at the heap of downs. Their furs already smell like them, of course, but Cas can see it, the blankets used as soft lining to build walls at the sides of the den, their furs in the middle, secured against even a draft from the window. “I’ve never had one. A den, I mean,” he admits.
“We had one when we were little. A family den for all of us. Took up a whole wagon. My Dad dismantled it after…” Dean breaks off. “Never made any sense to me to build one for myself. Takes up space, needs to be transported, it seemed selfish. But now…” Dean shrugs. “I’d kind of like to have a safe space just for us, you know.”
That sounds in fact heavenly. “What was it made of? Your family den.”
“So many things! My Mom was a good knitter, she knitted us blankets and there were pillows and there were even decorations. Like, she put little flowers and stuff on everything. And knitted us small animals that we brought to bed.” It’s a fond recollection, Dean’s face lighting up as he tells the story.
“I’m not very good at knitting,” Cas admits, “though I know how to do it. But I can crochet reasonably well. You wouldn’t allow me to give those coins back when I came back to the pack - would you allow me to buy yarn from some of them? To make a blanket for our den?”
If Cas had thought Dean’s face had lit up before, it’s nothing against the beautiful smile lighting it up now. “You would do that?” he asks, voice speaking of wonder.
“Of course,” Cas replies. “Of course I would want to add to our den.” And seeing how they are alone, he smuggles his hand into Dean’s to squeeze it.
“I’ll find you the best yarn then,” Dean answers with verve. “I’ll make sure to find any color you want.”
That’s something Cas hadn’t even thought about and yet he immediately knows the answer. His face falls. “Any color will do as long as the yarn is thick and soft.”
“Cas,” Dean squeezes his hand in return to make him look back up. “Which colors did you want?”
“It’s too expensive, Dean.”
“Was it blue?”
Cas nods almost imperceptibly. “And green,” he whispers. “But a bright green, not dark like a forest.”
“The green’s for me and the blue is for you?” Dean uses his free hand to tug softly on Cas’ blue winter tunic.
Cas nods again.
Dean's smile and scent are so warm that Cas thinks it would warm him from the inside out even if the house was cold. “I can’t promise you. Many merchants don’t even have blues. But I’ll try, okay? I’ll try to find good colors to represent both of us.”
Dean’s chest swells with the thought, and it’s clear to Castiel that there is no use in arguing. It’s another task where Dean can prove his qualities as a provider. More than that, the thought of sleeping under a blanket made by him, representing the both of them in its colors and always intended to warm only the two of them, spawns this warm bright light in Cas’ chest, and if Dean feels anything like it, he won’t be persuaded against at least trying. So instead of arguing, Cas gets up on tiptoes and presses a small kiss to Dean’s cheek. “Thank you,” he says quietly. “Though it is not necessary to win my affection. You already have that.”
Dean closes his arm around him, drawing him close. “I’m glad.”
The pack arrives not long after, bringing with them the hustle and bustle of setting up a camp that has to suit them for a while. Dean makes sure that everyone gets assigned living quarters and no one is left out in the cold, including finding space for the horses. They have to split up between three different buildings, with only Dean, Sam and Cas having permanent quarters in the main house. Benny insists on a rotating guard being stationed at the main house at night and both Dean and Jody agree on the terms that the guards be unobtrusive and not threaten anyone in the household.
Dean is busy going over the details of all arrangements and the Betas have already brought their chests and furs to their room, so Cas finds himself a little lost in the middle of the storm, nothing for him to do.
So he wraps his cloak around himself and observes them quietly from the stoop of the porch, where the roof and the wall of the house shelter him from the snow and the cold. Jody and Donna are both in the middle of the fray, directing the streams of humans and animals and wagons and things that need to be stored.
“What do you think of them?” Missouri’s voice rips him out of his contemplations. She nods at the two Betas.
Cas watches them for a moment longer. Donna is wearing a friendly smile again, though her eyes still look worried. Jody makes no pretenses, her demeanor strict and commanding.
He nods over in her direction. “She is used to being obeyed. She treats Dean like her equal.”
Missouri hums thoughtfully, “Do you disapprove?”
“These are her house and her lands. She holds negotiation power,” Cas shrugs. Unconventional as it might be, her position definitely gives her leverage.
“She does,” Missouri agrees. “Though I don’t think this one is cowed by any Alpha, no matter the circumstance of their meeting.”
“You approve,” Cas observes.
“I do,” Missouri agrees. “There is a lot of injustice in the world and not many people who don’t conform to it.”
Cas nods. “Maybe she had no other choice.” As a fertile Beta, society would not easily accept her after all.
“She could have given up. She could have found a pack that accepts and protects her. She could have decided on a life in isolation. There were many choices for her, yet she chose to stay and fight.”
“Fight what?”
Missouri smiles at him. “Not so much
fight what
as
fight for what
. You’ll see. Once they trust you enough, you’ll see.”
“But you already know.”
Her smile turns deeper. “I told you, I have family here.”
She had told him that. “Where is she? Your niece?”
“Oh, she’ll be here soon enough.”
Soon enough turns out to be shortly after nightfall. They are all mostly settled at that point, some minor disagreements about the housing situation arbitrated by Dean. Missouri and Donna have combined forces to make food for everyone, the pack’s stores now lumped in with the stores of the Mills-Hanscum-household.
For lack of anything better to do, Cas has found the fur vest he’s making for Dean and has found a place to the side of the living room to keep stitching it. They have a few lamps, making the room brighter than the place by the fire he’s used to. It makes it easier to keep his stitches small and even. He wants this vest to both look good and be durable, so he works meticulously even if it takes more time.
He’s been working for a while when the door opens, allowing a bunch of chattering youngsters inside.
“There you are!” Donna turns around to them. “You were supposed to be back before sunset!”
“Almost made it,” a girl with long brown hair shrugs, not impressed with Donna’s stern tone at all.
At the same time, a huge smile spreads over the face of another girl in the group. “Aunt!”
Missouri’s eyes sparkle as she comes forward, opening her arms for the girl to hug her. “Patience. I’ve missed you.”
“Huh?” The blonde girl who sports a prominent gash on her forehead wrinkles her nose. “Do we know her?” She looks over to where Cas is sitting, her nose wrinkling even more as she takes in his scent. “Or him?”
“Claire,” the girl next to her reprimands her softly, “be nice.”
Claire rolls her eyes in return, not even attempting to soften her stance. “Just don’t like strangers in my home.”
“They won’t be strangers for long,” Donna answers.
“It’s that whole thing with getting to know people. They might become your friends. You should try it out,” the first girl with the long brown hair snickers.
“Shut up, Alex,” Claire snarls at her.
Immediately, a tempering hand is on her arm, while the dark haired girl next to her softly shakes her head.
“Alright, that’s enough,” Donna’s voice turns a shade stricter. “We are civil with each other in this household, even when the rest of the world isn’t. These are Missouri and Cas, they are our guests. We are sheltering their pack over winter. And these are our girls.” She points at each of them in turn. “Alex. Patience. Claire and Kaia.”
“Are they all staying in our house?” Claire asks petulantly.
“Claire,” Donna admonishes her. “Don’t let Jody hear that tone.”
“But he’s an Omega!” She waves an accusing hand at Cas. “So there’s an Alpha to go with that.”
“There is, in fact,” Cas speaks up for the first time, because he kind of doesn’t appreciate it anymore these days to be the object of a conversation instead of a participant. “His name is Dean and you don’t have to be worried about him.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t be worried anyway,” Claire growls. “Me and Kaia, we could take him.”
“You will do no such thing,” comes an unamused voice from the door. And really, if Cas had to guess who the fertile Beta was, he’d go with Donna. She has a softness to her that you might expect of a child-bearer, while Jody is all sharp angles and sharp tone.
A moment later Jody and Dean come in, both with snowflakes in their hair, though they’ve already gotten rid of their boots and coats, so as to not drip too much moisture into the room.
“Let me introduce you to our daughters, Dean. Claire is the blonde hothead here.” Jody puts a hand around Claire’s shoulder and squeezes her in a half-hug. “She’s actually a pretty nice person under all of the spite and if any punishment is needed we will take it over, not you.”
“Wouldn’t dream of interfering in your child-raising,” Dean holds his hands up peacefully, but Claire still furrows her brow. Cas thinks if Jody’s arm wasn’t around her, she might snarl at Dean.
Jody pays her no heed and instead goes on with the introductions. “This one is Kaia. She is our newest family addition.” For a little moment, Jody hesitates, like she isn’t sure how much she wants to tell them, but then she adds, “We have a few very old packs around here, who have been here much longer than the rest of us. Kaia’s pack has not survived recent times.”
“I’m sorry,” Dean looks at Kaia, his tone honest. “We have good friends among the old packs. I hate to see them get killed by the settlers.”
“‘S not like most hunters are any better than us settlers,” Claire growls.
“Most aren’t,” Dean nods. “But we try to be.”
Claire opens her mouth to say something else, but Jody shushes her. “Enough. We’ll have many hours of long winter nights to discuss this and whatever else it is that riles you. For now, let us get through the introductions so that we can get to the food.”
Claire grumbles but she holds her peace.
“Alex has been with us the longest,” Jody goes on. “I found her, well, not all that long after your pack was here the last time, actually. We’ve had our differences, but Alex is now learning to be a healer and we are very proud of her.” For the first time, there’s a deep and warm smile on Jody’s face. “And last but not least, we have Patience. Patience is…”
“... my niece,” Missouri finishes for Jody. “Who has grown taller than me in the time I haven’t seen her.”
That makes a smile blossoms on Patience’s face as well.
“It’s good to meet you all,” Dean nods at the girls, obviously a little overwhelmed by the sheer amount of youngsters. He turns back to Jody, “But none of them are, uhh…” He stops. “Actually, that is a rude question. I apologize.”
“You want to know whether any of them are biologically ours. No, none of them is.”
“It doesn’t make them less our children,” Donna says and tousles Kaia’s hair.
“Hey,” Kaia protests, though she doesn’t actually move away from the touch.
“How come you took them all in?” Dean asks.
“It’s a long story,” Jody says at the same time that Donna says, “They needed us.” They shrug at each other and then Jody answers, “They don’t quite fit, we don’t quite fit. It makes for an unusual family, and I doubt that we’ll ever have the same orderly structures a pack has, but it works for us.”
“I can see that,” Dean nods.
Cas can, too. He’s learned to give some people the benefit of the doubt, and he thinks this group deserves it. Because so far, it’s chaotic, but no one is cowering and no one smells afraid. Also, no one has threatened him or treated him like he is barely a step above the furniture. He likes it, obviously, but he isn’t sure how well it goes together with the rest of the world.
“What does the town think about it?” Dean echoes Cas’ thoughts.
Jody shrugs. “They know we can defend ourselves. They also know that we help when we’re needed. So they mostly leave us in peace.”
Dean takes that in, then he nods. “Should any trouble arise from our stay, please let me know. We’re good both at trying to solve things peacefully first as well as defending ourselves if necessary.”
“Hunters,” Claire spits.
Dean turns to look at her. The moment he does it, Kaia takes a step forward, blocking Claire and shielding her from view. Cas isn’t necessarily sure whether the action is supposed to deter Dean or Claire, but he can definitely see Dean’s eyebrows rise. That is about all the reaction he shows, though.
Jody on the other hand rubs her forehead and groans.
Donna pats her shoulder in commiseration. “If it helps, dinner is ready. Maybe everyone will quiet down when their tummies are full,” she smiles. “My mood is bad when I’m hungry, too.”
Though usually Cas is happy when everyone else is happy and there’s no violence to fear, he almost wants to know how a bad mood looks like on Donna. She seems to bounce back from any moment of negativity with an immediate smile and a few kind words, it’s hard to imagine her as anything but happy. Though as Dean said, underestimating her would still be a mistake.
“Go call in the other guests,” Donna tells Alex, who nods and runs off to call their pack in. And in they come, though apparently they at least try for both a somewhat orderly fashion and to not bring too much mud in. But they bring noise and cold air and so many smells.
Dean does what he always does and gets both their bowls from their stuff before going to Missouri to get them filled. Cas doesn’t even try to stop him because Dean is stubborn when he wants to be and Cas has tried stopping him before, to absolutely no avail. Still, there have never before been new eyes on them, and right now, they’re definitely getting stared at. Especially when Dean, after giving Cas his bowl, doesn’t ask anyone to get up from the seats they’ve found, doesn’t even ask Cas to get up out of the wooden chair he’s pulled to where he would have the best light, but instead unceremoniously flops down on the wooden floor next to Cas.
“Dean,” Cas frowns at him.
But Dean as always is undisturbed. He grins a boyish mischievous grin and asks, “Mind if I lean into you?”
“Of course not,” Cas shakes his head, “but Dean…”
“Shush. You look comfy in that chair, and I get to sit close to you and close to the fire to warm up. Seems perfect to me.”
Dean might pretend this is normal, but Cas can feel Jody’s hard gaze on them throughout their meal. He doesn’t lift his eyes from his bowl for the entire time.
The rest of the evening is not necessarily less awkward. Cas is used to having their fire and Dean mostly to himself. Now suddenly there are a lot of other people because no one is sitting around their own fire. There’s just one room per house that has a large lit fireplace and this room is the only one that also has food. The rest of their pack also seems a little uneasy, looking to Dean and Sam for pointers, but it doesn’t make them go to bed any earlier.
Finally, Cas packs up his needlework.
“Done for the day?” Dean asks.
Cas nods. “I need more light for the finer work. I’ll go make up our de- our bed, if that’s okay.”
“I’ll come with you,” Dean gets up as well.
It’s too late to tell him it’s not necessary and that he can keep talking to the others if he wants, because already everyone is watching them.
“We’ll retire,” Dean says curtly. “See you all in the morning.”
There’s a chorus of “night, Dean”s and “night, Cas’” and a “there should be firewood next to the fireplace in your room, in case you get cold,” from Jody.
It is not actually all that cold in the room, though. It is cold after coming out of the crowded main room, yes, but it seems that the little house is well built and distributes the available heat well enough. Also, it's blessedly devoid of the myriad of smells that had been surrounding them.
With Dean’s help, they make quick work of laying the groundwork for their den. The thick blankets get rolled up and stacked to the sides, furs being laid over them to keep them stable. Then the large furs go in the middle, and their soft thick bear fur goes on top.
Cas is not quite sure what to do with the pillows, though. They seem so much larger than the bundle that is his rolled up cloak. Which is what he usually uses for a pillow and already finds a luxury, seeing how he has furs and Dean to snuggle up against and doesn’t have to use his coat as a blanket, or to shiver against the cold of the ground. But their cloaks are muddy and Cas has tried to shake off the furs as best as he could earlier today like he does every day, but their cloaks need an actual wash, and that won’t happen before spring. So he unwillingly puts the pillows inside of their den instead of stacking them outside like he really wants to.
“That doesn’t look half-bad,” Dean looks over their design with a satisfied expression. “Do you want a fire?”
“No,” Cas shakes his head. “Maybe at the height of winter. Or when I have - the fever. It’s not necessary today.”
“I thought so, too,” Dean nods. “No wind, no snow, no mud to soak the furs, this will be warmer than we’re used to.”
Cas nods, glad that Dean doesn’t comment on the fever. Dean keeps his quiet while they prepare for bed, too, though he looks thoughtful throughout. He still looks thoughtful when he’s crawling into their den in only his linens.
It’s still new to Cas to wear linens at all, layers not a luxury he’d been awarded with before this winter. Now that he does, he appreciates their extra warmth but still strips down until there is only the long linen underpants left, giving Dean the same access to his skin that they’ve both become accustomed to.
He extinguishes the flame of the lantern that gave them light and finds his way from the entrance of their den over Dean to the far side, giving a contented little sigh when he finds his spot at Dean’s side.
He only notices afterwards what he’s done. That he’s instinctually crawled to the safe side of their den, letting Dean guard its entrance. It should be laughable, relying on an Alpha to guard instead of trying to keep an escape route open against said Alpha, but his body seems to think differently.
Dean draws their bear skin over them and then draws Cas close but his body doesn’t relax. And well, the bed is a new experience and while it’s soft, they sink into the mattress and it changes the distribution of their weight and their bodies, their usual effortless fit needing to be readjusted.
The bed is neither lumpy nor too saggy, though, so they actually find a position reasonably fast, Dean’s hand at Cas’ hip and Cas’ arm slung around Dean’s waist.
“Cas?” Dean finally asks. There is apprehension in his voice.
“What is it, Dean?”
“I was wondering,” Dean says and breaks off to clear his throat.
“Hmm?”
“Whether you’d consider, umm, since you want to share your heat with me, I was wondering whether you’ve considered us, umm, touching before that?”
Cas tenses and apparently it’s noticeable enough that Dean’s hand on Cas’ hip disappears, Dean giving him space.
“I know. I know that it’s something that in your experience is only ever unpleasant and forced. And believe me, Cas, I don’t want it to be that. At all. But Cas, I,” Dean takes a deep long breath before he whispers. “If I share your heat, I cannot promise you that my body won’t respond with a rut. I can’t promise you that I’ll always be gentle. That I’ll let you go the minute you tell me No.”
He sounds ashamed about it, which in itself is weird. Most Alphas bask in the glory of a successful claim, giving little consideration to whether their prey wanted to be claimed.
“But outside of rut, I know myself well enough to know that I could promise you. We could go slow, be very gentle, try to figure out whether there is anything about my touch that you like. Anything for me to learn so that I can help you best in your heat. Maybe even something for me to learn that might make you feel good outside of heat.” Dean searches for Cas’ hand in the dark and squeezes it. “And if there’s nothing, Cas, if you never want anything in your life other than what we already have, I’ll still consider myself so very lucky to have found you and to be able to be a part of your life. I promise you, Cas. You can tell me No to this and absolutely everything to do with the both of us being naked and it won’t make a difference to how I feel about you. Or how I treat you. I promise.”
“What would you… umm, what would you do? To start out with, I mean?” Cas hedges.
“I’d touch you,” Dean answers seriously. “Caress you. Maybe kiss you some more. Maybe touch and kiss places that I haven’t touched and kissed before.”
“Could we - get rid of your shirt?” Cas asks quietly.
That makes Dean chuckle. “We can do that without any of the other stuff as well.” Then he becomes serious again. “Does that mean you want to touch me, too?”
“I think I - yes,” Cas nods. “Yes, I think I’d like that.”
Dean draws away then, though only enough that he can pull his shirt over his head and discard it to the side. Then he comes back.
Cas has seen Dean naked, of course he has. Privacy is not a thing when bathing in a river. But Dean’s always kept clothes on at night. Cas thinks it is out of consideration for him, though Cas could tell him that none of the Alphas at Master Crowley’s ever made the effort of getting out of their clothes. They unbuttoned their breeches and that was enough. They rarely expected Castiel to touch them, either, in fact, they rarely expected anything from him other than to present and provide them with a warm hole to sink into.
So this, having Dean expose his skin, allowing Cas to glide hands along his chest, feeling the soft hair there and the muscles over his ribcage, that is in fact already something new. Something that he’s not had before. Something that he has no bad memories of.
He lets his fingers find the little pink nubs on Dean’s chest and smiles as they firm up under his touch. He smoothes them out, just to do the same thing again, full of wonder at the shiver that runs through Dean’s body.
Suddenly, Cas has the urge to taste instead of just touching, but he isn’t bold enough to lean in, so instead he asks, “Kiss me?”
Dean complies more than willingly, softly cupping the back of Cas’ neck and reeling him in for a gentle kiss. He keeps his other hand steady at Cas’ side, supporting them without restricting Cas’ movement in any way.
It’s long and languid and Cas’ hands find the warmth of Dean’s chest again. That feels - nice. Like a tug and a tingle in his stomach.
Then Dean opens his mouth.
And that’s - that feels different.
Cas must have frozen because Dean breaks the kiss. “You don’t like that?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” Cas answers honestly. “It’s new.”
“Hmm, it is,” Dean agrees. “But if you don’t like it, we’ll not do it.”
Cas thinks about that for a moment. He believes Dean. Dean would not insist, even though Cas guesses that the things Dean wants to try out are things that he likes doing.
Well, that alone is a reason for Cas to give this a chance. Also, it hadn’t been bad, really. Just wet. And a little weird. Because basically Dean just invited him into his body. Right? That was what had happened? And that’s - shouldn’t Dean want to invade Cas’ body? But then,
should
s never really work with Dean.
“I want to try it again,” Cas decides and closes the distance between himself and Dean.
Dean follows his lead, opening his lips for Cas to go explore. Cas’ hand comes up to Dean’s cheek automatically, for guidance or stability or to have a second anchor outside of the feel and taste of Dean’s lips and Dean’s tongue, and really Dean’s mouth, from this perspective, is the tiniest bit overwhelming. But in a good way, Cas decides.
Still, he breaks the kiss after a bit because, “Do you want to do this, too?”
Dean hums thoughtfully. “Would you like to try out how it feels on the receiving end?” he asks.
“Does it feel good?”
“It does to me,” Dean smiles and it’s too dark in the room to make out whether Dean’s face is flushed, but his breathing is faster than it was and his voice is warm and happy, so Cas thinks that’s the truth.
“I’d like to, then,” Cas nods.
“Okay,” Dean agrees.
Still, he is careful and slow, licking Cas’ lips softly, nibbling on his lips in tiny kitten bites that he immediately soothes over, though they’re never enough to actually hurt, before he ever lets his tongue explore deeper.
There is a heartbeat of fear, an instinct of pulling back and out of harm’s way that comes with the invasion. But Cas fights through it and it only lasts a moment, because Dean is still gentle, still soft, even though he has breached Cas’ body. If anything, Cas would describe what Dean does as
teasing
, kittenlicks that Cas is sure are designed to make him yearn for more.
He lets a tiny grumble escape, a small growl meant to let Dean know that he’s noticed more than anything else.
Dean chuckles against his lips, the vibrations transferred to Cas’ skin. But he also increases the pressure of his lips against Cas’, lets his tongue roam more freely as he presses Cas close enough, that there’s not an inch of space between their bodies, their breath and body-heat mingling as if they were one being, not two.
It last only a minute, a glorious minute in which heat curls in his stomach and he feels almost dizzy with all the sensations that are curling and twining around and into him.
Then he feels how his body responds, getting slick and moist to be ready for the Alpha, and suddenly fear screeches through his brain.
Immediately, Dean’s mouth is gone, his hands letting go of Cas’ face, his warmth radiating outward but not touching anymore.
Cas’ heart races, the pace faster than if he’d run a mile against Kaz. He lets his head fall forward, pressing his eyes close. His own hands have fallen away from Dean as well, are cramped into his linens over his thighs.
“Cas?” There is a careful touch at his elbow, so light that it’s almost not there.
Cas shakes his head, more to dispel the demons that are clawing at him than because he wants Dean’s touch gone, but the touch disappears anyway.
It takes another long minute to get his breathing under control enough that he thinks his voice will hold. “Can we lie down?”
“Of course.” Dean draws bear skin that had fallen away back over them, carefully keeping himself apart from Cas.
That won’t do. That won’t do at all.
Dean is lying on his back, so Cas moves until he can put his head on Dean’s chest. It’s a bit ticklish with the hair that’s lying exposed since Dean hasn’t put his shirt back on. But it’s also warm and Cas can hear the echo of Dean’s heartbeat vibrating in his chest.
He doesn’t have to ask Dean whether this is okay, because Dean’s arm comes up around him, cradling him. Protecting him. It sinks in together with Dean’s warmth sinking into his skin. Dean is protecting him. Dean stopped. Cas didn’t even have to tell him. Even now, Cas is sure Dean can smell the moment of Cas’ arousal. Alpha’s have a fine nose for Omega slick after all. And yet, there is nothing but protection in Dean’s scent and demeanor. There is nothing to fear.
With a sigh, Cas relaxes, tense muscles letting go of their fight or flight reflex and settling in to mold themselves to Dean’s shape.
“Tomorrow,” he says, “I want to try this out again tomorrow.”
Though of course, to get to the night, they have to get through the day first. Now it shouldn’t be a big feat, getting through a day in a place as safe as this. They wake up later than usual and warmer than usual. There is no need to make a fire because the fire in the main room of the house is already roaring. But that is just it - there is nothing to do for Cas. This house has its own rules and rhythm but the chores already have people doing them. And their pack isn’t actually living in the same house as them. While Dean and Sam go out to look after the horses and people, and Jody gives them a list of repairs that the pack can start working on to earn their keep beyond the initial bargain, no one thinks of giving Cas anything to do.
“Can I help?” He finally asks in the early afternoon, approaching Donna because she still seems nicer than Jody.
“With what, luv?” She answers.
“Anything?” Cas asks and knows that he sounds almost pleading.
“Don’t you enjoy a lazy day?”
And oh, Cas enjoys lazy days plenty. When they are with their pack and everyone is happy to play games or spar or do all the little things that always get postponed on travel days. This is not that. This is going to be their new normal. And Cas doesn’t think he can take sitting idle as his new normal.
“I can sew,” Cas offers. “If you have clothes that need repair. I can help cook or do the dishes. I can find firewood, too, if it’s running low.”
“Oh honey, we have a stack of firewood behind the barn. It’s already dried and the only need is to bring it in. Not that we would let you go out beyond the homestead to collect wood in the first place. Pretty sure your Alpha wouldn’t be too happy about that.”
“I wouldn’t go alone,” Cas frowns because really that is basic safety. “But I help Garth when we’re traveling, I could help here, too.”
“Hmm, I think you better take that up with Jody and Dean. I’m not getting in the middle of that.”
Which is not the answer Cas wanted. It can’t be so hard to give him something useful to do.
But when he in fact catches Jody a little while later and asks her the same question, he only earns a pointed look and a “I gather you should be asking Dean about this, not me”.
He catches himself actually gnashing his teeth in frustration. “You had no problem giving everyone else something to do,” he argues, more forcefully than he would have had he been in a better mood.
Jody’s eyebrows rise even higher. “Everyone else is not Dean’s Omega,” she states matter-of-factly.
Cas hadn’t even known his exasperation could reach such high levels. “I’m young and I’m healthy. I’m useful. I can work. I don’t want to sit idly in the house all day!”
Jody shakes her head. “Take it up with Dean,” she repeats.
Cas has the impulse to stomp his foot to at least have some outlet for his frustration but throwing a tantrum is still not a thing he will do. So, instead, he nods curtly at Jody. “I will,” he vows angrily. “In fact, tell me where he is and I’ll do it right now.”
Which is how Cas gets to stomp around outside in the snow, a glowering Jody next to him, because she refused to let him go out to find Dean on his own. Cas thinks it’s ridiculous, they’re still on Jody’s own lands and there is a whole pack running around the grounds, so the likelihood of someone snatching him up is pretty much non-existent. Not that Cas would let himself be snatched up. He puts a hand over the knife on his hip. He’s fast and no one expects an Omega to fight back. He’s gonna take his chances.
They find Dean on the roof of one of the side-buildings, replacing shingles together with Garth. It is Sam, though, who spots them first.
“Hey, Dean,” he shouts from his spot on the ground where apparently he mans the ladder and hands tools and material to Dean and Garth when needed.
“Gimme a moment,” Dean shouts back, intently focused on hammering a shingle into place.
When he does look up, his eyes immediately find Jody and Cas. Even from the distance, Cas can see Dean’s whole body tense. He hands Garth the hammer and all but jumps down the ladder.
“What’s wrong?”
Jody gestures towards Cas sourly and doesn’t answer. Maybe this was not such a good idea. Cas could have taken this up with Dean at night, he didn’t have to disturb him during the day. Cas had just been so goddamn frustrated. But anything he can say now will sound like whining.
So, “Do you need help here?” is all he asks in the end.
Dean looks at him questioningly, then over at Jody, then back at Cas.
Cas shrugs. “She wouldn’t let me come here on my own.”
“I see,” Dean says. “I gotta finish this right now, but I can show you your way around later, so that you know where to go and also where the borders of Jody’s land are. It’s still safer when no one outside of their household knows that you are even here.” He looks at Jody. “Are these acceptable terms to garner Cas free movement around the premises?”
Jody shrugs. “The risk is mostly yours. As long as you don’t think any of us is answerable if something happens to him, it’s not a problem for me. Be warned, though, that your arrival has been noticed in town and people are curious. There will be watchers trying to catch a glance at what is going on here.”
“We are strangers wherever we go, Jody. It is no different here than anywhere else,” Dean says with a smile that holds weariness.
Cas puts a hand on Dean’s arm then, to remind him that there are in fact many good things in their lives. There are many places where Dean’s pack is welcome.
Dean smiles at him and squeezes his hand before he turns back to Jody. “For now, though, I have another proposition. If you are amiable to it, that is.”
“What is it?” Jody asks.
“Cas here has never learned his letters. You teach your pups, don’t you?”
“Dean…” Cause Cas is reasonably sure that Jody has better things to do than teaching him letters. Not that he’s sure his brain is made for scholarly things like that in the first place. Or that he will ever need this skill.
“Kaia is best at her letters, out of the four of them.” Jody huffs a little laugh. “Though Claire might catch up if she ever applied herself to learning. If you have no issues with a young Alpha being the one to teach, I could ask her for this favor.” She attaches a challenging smile to that.
Still, it’s not the answer Cas expected. Even if Jody doesn’t question the validity of the request - which would have been a reasonable answer in its own - she didn’t so far seem to like either of them very much. So her freely given resources to them is not a thing Cas expected.
“Cas, you’ve met Kaia. What do you say? Would you trust her to teach you?”
Cas sends a glance at Jody but he answers truthfully, “I’m sure she has better things to do than teach me. I just want to be useful.”
Dean takes Cas’ hands in his, lowering his voice like he wants to make sure that Cas knows that Dean is talking to him and not to Jody. “Reading and writing
is
useful, Cas. It’s too cold out to spar now, but at Jody’s we have the opportunity to have light long past dark. We can use it for skills that we might not get around to on the road. And I know for a fact that Jody and Donna know what they’re doing when it’s about letters.”
That makes Jody stop and blink. “Dean Winchester, have you been snooping?” she asks in a dangerous tone.
Dean holds his hands out in a disarming gesture. “I haven’t, I swear. I didn’t even have time for it.”
Jody’s lips pinch. “Who then?” she asks tightly.
“Jo,” Dean admits. “She takes her job of assuring our security seriously.”
“What did she find?”
Dean looks around the grounds. Ostensibly, there is no one but Sam and Garth near. He still keeps his voice low. “Nothing that I can make much more sense of than knowing that you have to know your letters for it. And not just that, you have to know the proper rules as well. Grammar and spelling and everything. At least if you don’t want to take unnecessary risks.”
If Cas thought Jody’s face had looked hard before it’s nothing against the stony expression she’s wearing now. “I see. Well then, you’ll understand why I will ask you to keep what you have seen under wraps.”
“We will,” Dean promises. “Though my hope is that over the winter, you’ll find enough trust in us to share the story. Maybe we can help. We are much more mobile than you after all.”
For a long moment, Jody stares intently at Dean like she’s considering his offer. Then she shakes her head. “Don’t hope too hard, Dean Winchester.” She turns back to Cas. “Come on then. Kaia has kitchen duty today, but I’m sure we can find a solution there.”
“I can take that over from her in return for her teaching me,” Cas offers.
“Mmmh, I think not take it over completely,” Jody answers. “But you can help.” She looks at Dean, though, not at Cas, when she says it.
Cas notices it with a frown.
Dean frowns, too. “If you’re talking to me, I can help, too, if you want. But I thought it was Cas who I heard offering it just now, so maybe you should answer him.”
Jody takes the rebuke with equanimity. “I guess that means you can both help,” she says and turns around on her heel. “You coming?” This time, it’s definitely directed at Cas.
He sends a short smile at Dean, who smiles back and nods encouragingly, before hurrying after Jody.
“You don’t have to do that, you know?” Cas says after they’re back at the house and taking off their boots and coats. “I mean, you can if it makes you feel better. But you don’t have to. I know pretty well what is within a range where I don’t have to ask Dean about it. Helping in the kitchen is definitely in that range.”
“And what isn’t?” Jody asks with a raised eyebrow.
Cas shrugs. “Anything that presents a risk to my life or that of others. Dean wants his pack safe and sound.”
“Only that? What about things like talking to other Alphas? Grown ones, I mean.”
“Why would I want to do that?” Cas asks taken aback. He has more sense than that.
“I guess I just meant - you know what, nevermind,” Jody shakes her head.
“That Dean would forbid it out of jealousy? Punish me for it?” Cas asks. “Is that what you want me to say?”
“I don’t
want
you to say anything,” Jody bites. Then she takes a deep breath. “You have never met his father, have you?”
“No,” Cas answers. “I have only been with them this past summer and fall.”
Jody nods like that explains things. “Has Dean told you about him?”
“A little.”
“You should ask him about the whole story some day.”
“He has told me that your child died. The last time this pack was here.”
Jody had already been moving deeper into the house but now she freezes.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” Cas adds.
“I appreciate it,” Jody turns back to him. “Though I don’t think you can quite understand it.”
“Because any child of mine would be taken away anyway or because I’d have less trouble conceiving again?”
“Have you? Have you born a child yet? Nurtured it? Even if just for a year?”
Cas shakes his head. Master Crowley had definitely not wanted any offspring of his business partners to be brought into this world. And Dean, well, the future will show what Dean wants.
“That’s why you can’t understand it. And don’t get me wrong, I’m glad for what I have. For what Donna and I have built. I think we can make a difference in the world, small as it may be. But that loss -,” she shakes her head. “I hope you will never come to understand it.”
He accepts that with a nod and another, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault and it cannot be changed. So let’s see that we change what we can and see whether Kaia can teach you the alphabet.”
It’s clear that it’s the end of the conversation so Cas follows her silently into the house.
“Claire, you really don’t have to sit here the whole time,” Kaia repeats for the third time. “I know that you hate studying.”
Claire wrinkles her nose, glaring not too subtly at Cas before declaring, “I’m staying. I have to fill in our household accounts anyway.”
“I can do it for you later if you want,” Kaia smiles at her.
Under the smile, Claire’s bristly attitude drops as she blushes. “Nah. Jody’s gonna be pissed if I duck out again. Just always takes so long cause I gotta make sure I write it so that someone else can decipher it.”
“I like your handwriting.”
That makes Claire blush again. She even smiles a little.
Cas watches it with interest. He’s always thought Dean different from other Alphas but Kaia is - sweet. It’s not a word Cas would attach to Dean, though Dean can be sweet in his gestures as well. But Kaia is sweet about everything she does. Whether it’s offering to help out Claire, or quickly jumping up when Missouri needs help with a heavy pot. She is friendly and patient as she draws individual letters on a slate with some chalk and encourages Cas to copy them on his own slate, too.
“You almost got it! That’s awesome! But you gotta make sure that you draw it with the big bulge to the right,” Kaia gently corrects his latest attempt. “You’re mirroring it. Patience did that too in the beginning. Though she had an excuse ready. Something about the moon mirroring in water?” She chuckles softly. “I didn’t quite get it, but it was Donna who taught her, so it was fine.”
“Donna isn’t so strict?” Cas asks.
“Donna is nice. Not that Jody isn’t nice but...” Kaia shrugs.
“But Donna smiles more.” He doesn’t have to make it a question.
“Yes,” Kaia nods.
“‘S your Alpha’s fault anyway that Jody doesn’t smile,” Claire grumbles.
“Don’t be unfair, Claire,” Kaia scolds her softly.
“Whatever.”
But Cas wants to know this. “Why is it his fault?” he asks.
Kaia shakes her head. “It’s not, as far as I know anyway. They both wanted to save everyone very badly that day, and they couldn’t. And I think they never quite forgave themselves.” She shrugs uncomfortably. “But I don’t think we should be talking about this. Let’s get back to the letters.”
Cas nods then, and starts yet another attempt at copying the lines Kaia draws for him.
They get through most of the letters of the alphabet by the time dinner is ready. Cas’ head is buzzing and his eyes are hurting, and he’s sure he’s going to have forgotten half of this by the morning.
“How’s it going?” Jody asks when she comes by the table.
“It’s going very well. Cas is very focused,” Kaia smiles.
“He’s slow,” Claire says disparagingly.
“Well, he’s grown up already. Grown-ups don’t learn as fast as pups,” Kaia counters immediately. “Don’t be discouraged, Cas. It’s a lot in the beginning but it gets easier. I can give you one of my books if you would like to try to read some on your own.”
“One of them? How many do you have?” Cas asks surprised. Books are valuable possessions.
“Oh, we have quite a few,” Kaia smiles widely. “Jody, can I give him an adventure story?”
“Do you think that’s a good idea?”
“Well, it is easier to get into the flow of reading when there’s a bit of suspense. Unless you’re very much into religion? Or farming or warfare?”
“Umm,” Cas’ eyes turn wide. “There are books on all of that?”
That makes all of them laugh. “Yes,” Kaia confirms, “there are books on all of that and more. I like the adventure stories and the travel reports. Claire mostly likes stories about monsters.”
“Do not,” Claire grouses.
“Oh, you totally do,” Kaia grins. “The gorier the better.”
“Ahem,” Jody clears her throat. “I think you had a point with this originally. Why don’t you just ask Castiel what he would like to try reading?”
“Oh, sure, what would you like, Cas?”
For a moment, he’s frozen. But she’d said travel tales, so, “Do you have travel reports from the land on the other side of the mountains? Or even from the one over the sea?”
“I think so,” Kaia nods. “I’ll have to look. Anything specific you’re interested in?”
Cas bites his lip. He cautiously looks from Kaia to Jody to Claire and back. “Well, Dean said - Dean said that the society works differently in those places. He said they meet their merchants every so often.”
“Oh, you want to read about the Southern clans! Yeah, we have a book on them.” She wrinkles her nose. “It’s written by a priest, though. He didn’t really approve of them.”
Claire bares her teeth. “You shoulda have taught him the word
abomination
first if he wants to read that shit.”
“Claire!” Jody snaps.
“Yeah, yeah, language. Sorry,” Claire apologizes, though her grimace doesn’t show any change in attitude.
“I’ll look for the book for you later tonight,” Kaia promises. “But now I gotta help with dinner.”
“Let me help, too,” Cas offers and gets up from his chair to pack away their writing utensils.
“Bleh,” Claire snorts. “Y’all are just doing this to make me look bad, I swear.” But she helps stacking their tools, and then even helps with dinner. Cas notices how it makes Jody smile.
Dean and Sam come in when most everyone else has already eaten. They are laughing about some joke, though Dean’s laughter is accompanied by chattering teeth.
Immediately, Cas is up on his feet. “Dean! What happened?”
Sam chuckles. “Told you it was a bad idea, man.” He punches Dean in the shoulder, nods at Cas and goes to find food.
“Dean!” Cas can’t help himself, he runs his fingers through Dean’s hair. It’s soaking wet and ice-cold. He takes Dean’s hand - icey as well - and drags him towards the fire, pulling his chair out so that it’s directly in the path of the heat.
Dean sits without having to be prompted, apparently glad for the warmth. “Couldn’t make a shave happen, sorry. I would have tried, but Sam’s probably right that I’d have run the risk of cutting my own throat.”
“Did you
take a bath
? With cold water?” Cas asks dumbfounded.
“Well, some of it was snow still. Kinda hard to use soap with snow. But hey, I tried.”
“Dean!” Cas doesn’t even know what to say to that. So he goes with, “Stay here. I’ll bring you something warm to eat.”
He doesn’t wait for Dean’s reply, he doesn’t even want to hear it if Dean objects. He needs to stay next to the fire. Cas scowls quietly as he finds Dean’s bowl and ladles stew into it.
“Go easy on him, Cas, okay? He did that for you.”
“He wants to catch a cold for me?”
“No, dummy,” Jo makes herself part of the conversation. “He wants to look good for you.”
“Well, I for my part have no problem with him smelling a little better,” Benny comments from the other side.
And that’s… Cas is used to all of them and their banter, but still, “You shouldn’t encourage him,” he frowns. “It’s freezing out!”
“Dude, Cas, lighten up,” Jo pats his arm. “A quick wash won’t kill him.”
“He was out in the cold for like five minutes tops after washing, I promise,” Sam adds. “And he’s gonna warm up in no time under your good care.”
Cas doesn’t know whether it’s sarcastic or not, but he mumbles, “He better,” before he makes his way back to Dean. “Here,” he holds out the bowl to him.
“Thank you,” Dean smiles at him, sighing when his fingers wraps around the hot bowl. “This feels good.”
Cas frowns and lets himself sink to his knees next to Dean. “There is always a fire in this hearth. You only need to say and I can warm up some water for you. I’m sure they have a tub here somewhere as well.”
“Yeah, but all I wanted was to get rid of the layer of grime, not make more work for you,” Dean argues.
“If you get sick, you’ll make more work for me as well,” Cas counters. “I’d rather prepare you a bath and not worry.”
For a long moment, Dean doesn’t say anything. Then he sighs, his posture slacking. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you. All I wanted was…” He shrugs, turning half away to the fire when Cas looks at him questioningly. “I thought being clean might be more appealing. In case you… If you wanted to keep trying out things… I mean, I know Alpha musk isn’t exactly the nicest smell in the world...” He trails off.
“Oh Dean…” Cas has the sudden urge to hit his head against a wall. Because that is so very thoughtful and yet at the same time so very stupid. “I appreciate the gesture, I really do. But Dean, I’m not put off by your scent. At all.”
“You aren’t?”
“No, Dean, I really am not.”
“Oh.” Dean smiles a little sheepishly.
Cas shakes his head at Dean’s antics. What else is he supposed to do? “Eat, Dean.” He sinks to his knees next to Dean again, leaning against Dean’s leg in a direct reversal of their positions yesterday.
“As you wish.” But even though it’s said with a flourish, Cas can still hear the shiver in Dean’s voice.
So he doesn’t answer, just leans a little closer. It’s not much, his body heat, not compared to what the fire and the warm food will do, but he’s going to help as much as he can.
He’s half-asleep, staring into the fire with open eyes but mind mostly blank, his head pillowed on Dean’s thigh, Dean’s hand in his hair, when a voice wakes him. “I’ve got your book.”
He startles and finds Kaia standing over him. When she notices how he instinctively moves backward and away from her, she crouches, holding the book out to him without coming closer than arm’s length.
“Took me a while to find it. Sorry for that. I also brought you one of my favorites. Just in case you get bored with the other.”
He takes the books from her and indeed, now that he looks closer, there are two of them. Neither is an especially large volume, but both of them are neatly bound. “Thank you,” he says. “I’ll treat them with care.”
“I have no doubt.” She smiles kindly before getting back up. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Books, huh?” Dean asks. “That was fast.”
Cas looks at the books in his hands, opening the top one carefully. He can make out a few letters, but overall, it still looks like gibberish to him. “I’m not sure I’ve actually progressed to them yet. They seem excited about the prospect, though.”
Dean chuckles softly and holds out his hand. “Can I see?”
Cas hands him the books.
“Beyond the sea - A travel report. Hmm.” Dean flips through the pages.
“They said it’s written by a priest and not very good. But it is what they have on the land beyond the sea.”
Dean looks up from the book sharply. “You’re interested in the land beyond the sea?”
Cas’ first instinct is to avert his eyes, but instead, he puts a hand on Dean’s leg. “Not because I want to go there. But you said,” he averts his eyes after all, embarrassed, “that Omegas were free there and people like everyone else. I wanted to know, how that works.”
Dean hums thoughtfully, eyes back on the book as he skims through a few more pages. The more he reads, the harder his expression becomes. “We should find you a text from there that was translated into our language. I have a feeling all this text will do is upset you.” But he still hands both books back to Cas.
Cas takes them carefully. “Is that - is that okay?”
“Is it okay to be upset?” Dean asks.
Cas nods.
“Course it is. Get as angry as you have to. Just try not to take it out on any of us.”
Dean says it with a smile and a shrug but Castiel shudders. He doesn’t think about it often these days, about those days when he’d lost time and woke up with blood on his hands, but it still makes him anxious to think that maybe someday he might wake up without memories again.
“Hey,” Dean’s hand is back on Cas’ shoulder. “Are you okay?”
Cas nods quietly. Yeah, he is okay. As much as he can be anyway.
“You wanna call it a night? I mean, you were mostly asleep before.”
And of course Dean noticed that. He always notices. “Are you warmed up all the way through?”
“Yes, Cas,” Dean smiles. “I’m toasty warm.” He gets up from his chair and holds out a hand to Cas. “Come on. We’ll cuddle up. That’s warm and cozy as well.”
Cas takes Dean’s hand and lets Dean help him up from the ground. He expects him to let go after, but all Dean does is change his grip on Cas’ hand to weave their fingers together. A small tug and Cas follows Dean. It’s a little weird, being this connected this openly. A little weird, but also good. Not even Sam’s raised eyebrow can change that.
Cas carefully places the books on the small shelf in the corner of the room before he goes about undressing.
“Cas?”
“Yes, Dean?”
“Do you want me to take my shirt off or leave it on?”
It only throws him for a short moment, the fact that Dean would still ask even though Cas was okay with this yesterday. He breathes out deeply. “Would you take it off? If that’s okay for you.”
“Sure is,” Dean nods and pulls the shirt over his head. “Brrr.”
Cas looks up at Dean sharply. “Are you still cold?”
“I won’t be once we’re under the covers.”
Cas nods but he can’t keep the worried frown from his face. It’s not cold enough in the room that Dean should be freezing. “Well, then we should better hurry to get under the covers.”
Dean is faster than him to be under their bearskin and yet, when Cas joins him, goosebumps have spread all over Dean’s skin. Worriedly, Cas puts a hand on Dean’s forehead, testing his temperature.
“I’m not sick, Cas.”
“Reckless is what you are,” Cas answers and rubs his hands up and down Dean’s arms in an attempt to warm him up.
“Cuddles might help with that,” Dean proposes with a coy grin. “Seeing how I don’t even smell bad anymore now.”
“You’re terrible.” But Cas still fold his arms around Dean, enveloping him in a hug.
“You wanna maximise that warmth?”
“Huh?”
But Dean’s already gotten a grasp on Cas’ hip and is manhandling him on top of himself, until they’re both spread out in a long line, with Dean on his back and Cas crouching above him.
“There,” Dean grins. “Better. That’ll warm me up in no time.”
“Terrible,” Cas repeats, but he can’t keep back his smile. “I’m assuming you aren’t opposed to - additional activity while you’re warming up?”
“Knock yourself out,” Dean grins even wider.
If it was a ploy, Cas has to admit that it was a good one. Under the guise of warming Dean up, it felt natural to have his body connected to Dean’s body pretty much - well, everywhere.
Now, though, he’s thinking about it, and that means, suddenly nothing feels natural about this anymore.
“Cas?” Dean asks. “You good?”
“Yes,” Cas nods, because he is. It’s just that he has a lot of freedom to move and a lot of freedom to choose what to do, and it’s a little overwhelming. “Can I kiss you?” he asks, because that at least is something that by now he knows how to do.
“Absolutely,” Dean smiles at him.
So Cas leans down deeper to capture Dean’s lips.
Like yesterday, it feels good, oh so very good, until Cas’ body reacts and then - it doesn’t feel good at all. He breaks the kiss, breathing through the moment of nausea.
“Hey. Hey, Cas.” Dean’s hand is on his face then, grounding him. “It’s okay. It’s supposed to feel nice.”
Only
nice
is not a word Cas connects to this.
Humiliating
is more like it. Because the only times his body responds like this to an Alpha’s touch is during heat. And it’s always, always against his will. He should be grateful, he guesses, because without the added lubrication the damage to his body would be even greater than it is, but he can’t. All he can feel is that his own body is betraying him.
“Cas! Look at me, Cas! Come back to me!”
And then all of a sudden, there is no heat. The hands on his face are Dean’s hands and they let go the minute Cas’ eyes focus.
“Hey there. Welcome back.”
Cas blinks at Dean, not quite sure what just happened.
“Your mind went to a real bad place there. Maybe this is not a good idea, love. Maybe we should stop this.”
“No, Dean. Wait.”
“Cas, I’m not even doing anything other than holding you while you kiss me, and I’m still hurting you. That’s not what I want.”
Of course it isn’t. It isn’t what Cas wants, either. But, “It’s not you, Dean. You’re doing nothing wrong. It’s me.” He sniffs the air, smelling in it his own arousal. It gives him an immediate urge to launder his linens. But he closes his eyes and deliberately lets the smell wash over himself.
“You don’t have to do this, Cas.”
“I know.” He takes another deep breath. It doesn’t smell that bad. Not if you forget what it means. Heavier than his normal smell, sweeter, too. And then of course there is the feeling of wetness that he despises. It’s the thing that makes his body different from a Beta’s. Well, that and the fact that he can carry a child. He’s always hated it for that.
Of course there are people, who say other things about Omegas as well. About why they need to be slaves. About their lack of mental capacity and emotional control. But deep in his heart, Cas has never believed those. No, if his body hadn’t betrayed him, he could have been happy as a Beta, he’s sure. He could have been a productive member of society.
Only now there’s Dean, and Dean’s body, and apparently it wasn’t a fluke when Cas’ body reacted to him yesterday. Apparently his body has decided that this Alpha is someone who’s arousing outside of heat. And Cas gets his body, to a degree at least. Dean is attractive and he smells nice and the skin on his hands might be rough, but the hands themselves never are. It’s so much and so much new input, and yet, it’s not enough to make his mind forget, to not remember the pain and the fear, and so there’s a war inside of him, warning flashes of danger freezing him in place even when with Dean nothing hurts.
“Come on, come back to me. You don’t have to do this alone, remember? Talk to me, Cas.”
The request is just strong enough to ground Cas’ senses in the presence, to make them aware of the Alpha in front of him. It’s the same tone Dean used in the beginning, when Cas’ voice wouldn’t hold, and an Alpha command was the only way to make it cooperate at all.
And maybe they’re not too far away from that today, either, because Cas has no idea how to even start explaining this.
“I - I like kissing you.”
Dean raises his eyebrows though his face stays gentle. “Didn’t really look like it, to be honest.”
“No, I do. I - I really do.” Cas can feel his face turning red as he subconsciously twitches and another wave of sweet Omega arousal hits them. It illustrates his point better than words could, he guesses.
“So, liking it is the problem?” Dean asks thoughtfully.
Cas presses his eyes shut and nods. “Yes,” he admits, voice wavering like it doesn’t want to confess to liking this.
“Okay. I think I understand.” Dean answers. “Thank you for telling me. So what do you want to do now?”
Cas opens his eyes again. That is not what he expected. Not that he consciously thought Dean would gloat or say something crude about how every good bitch knows that it just needs its hole filled but…
“Do you want to stop? We can cuddle if you want. Or we can talk. Or I can light the oil lamp for you if you want to have a closer look at those books and ignore me for a while.”
“No,” Cas shakes his head. “I want to try again.” It comes out like Cas had always wanted to say it, even though he really hadn’t known these words were what he was gonna say until they were out of his mouth.
“We can do that, too,” Dean nods. “If you’re sure.”
“I’m sure. Okay?”
“Okay.”
So Cas leans back in. He’s more careful this time, starts slower. Just barely lets himself taste Dean’s lips before drawing half an inch back to check how he feels. When there is no panic or nausea, he leans back in. Dean’s hands come back up to Cas’ hips, framing him where he’s now kneeling over Dean. He doesn’t let them wander, though, he holds on like the only thing that’s important to him is to have a connection to Cas.
And that. That. That thought shifts everything.
Cas breaks their kiss again, though this time it’s not because he’s overwhelmed. This time, it’s to look in Dean’s eyes. It’s dark in the room, but the moon is up and bathing them in white stripes through the window.
“Hey,” Dean smiles at him.
“Hey,” Cas smiles back.
Because suddenly he gets it. He’s been anxious about this out of all the wrong reasons. He’d pressured himself into thinking that since Dean wanted him to like it and since he wanted to make Dean happy, he’d just have to like it. To make it happen somehow that he forgot about all of the pain and all of those Alphas before Dean, so that he could enjoy this. That he’d just have to fight down the shame and humiliation in order to perform.
But Dean doesn’t want a performance. Dean wants a connection. Dean only ever wants what Cas can give. Because he wants Cas. Because Cas is a person and Dean sees it. Because Dean likes the person Cas is.
He gives Dean a quick peck on the nose. “Thank you.”
Dean goes cross-eyed and his nose twitches. “What was that for?”
“For being you.” He leans back in with the statement, quick peck giving way to an actual kiss. One that is languid and soft. That lingers out of its own accord.
Cas can feel it, how the kiss draws the tension out of Dean’s body. How it makes him relax until he happily sighs into the kiss. It sparks a whole new kind of butterflies in Cas’ stomach.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The next morning, Dean feels warm. They’ve fallen asleep on top of each other, so it’s no wonder that they’re both toasty warm.
The problem is, Dean feels too warm.
Cas puts a hand on Dean’s forehead. It’s hot.
“Dean?”
Dean’s eyes open sluggishly. “Hmm.” The eyes fall closed again.
“No, Dean, you have to wake up.” Cas puts a hand on Dean’s chin, turning his face a little rougher than normal. “Come on, Dean.”
“Mmmh no.” But his eyes open anyway. They’re glassy. An unfocused smile spreads on his face. “Glowy. Beautiful glowy mate. Has a halo.”
Cas turns around to where the morning sun shines through the window. “It’s the sun, Dean. Just the sun.”
“Beautiful glowy mate,” Dean insists.
“Yeah, okay. Beautiful glowy mate is going to get Missouri now. You stay where you are.”
“Nooo!” But Dean’s protest is weak, maybe because his eyes don’t want to stay open.
Cas extricates himself as carefully as he can and then loses no time getting dressed. With one last look back at Dean, he dashes to find Missouri.
“Yeah, that’s a fever,” Missouri confirms what Cas had already known. “We’ll try cold compresses and willow bark tea. Let’s find what you need.”
“Me?”
She smiles. “Of course. You’ll have a much easier time getting Dean to cooperate than the rest of us.”
“But what if…”
“Castiel,” Missouri interrupts him. “How often have you done this before?”
Many times. Because in all places that are not their pack, you better know how to keep yourself and your fellow slaves alive, because for the most part, healers and medicine are not going to be readily available. “They were all Omegas.”
“It makes little difference for this kind of sickness. You know how to make a cold compress?”
Cas nods.
“Good. You can start with that, then. I’ll brew the tea in the meantime.”
She doesn’t seem too worried, even though Dean has rolled up into himself now, shivering even though the bear furs are tucked tightly around him. “Should I make a fire, too?”
“Don’t make it too big. The fever is not dangerous as it is, but we don’t want it to get any higher.”
Cas nods. “Okay.”
“Well then, what are you waiting for.” She encourages him with a nod and a smile before leaving.
Cas is diligent about building the fire. Not too big, not too small, and perfectly encased in its stone mantle. He then brings in some fresh snow from the outside, letting it melt next to the fire while he gets cloths and a herbal tincture from Missouri. He dumps the tincture into the water and then dunks the cloths.
Dean is still curled up into a ball when he has the compresses ready.
“Dean,” he tries to wake him softly by brushing a few strands of sweaty hair out of his face. “You’ve got a fever, Dean, and I have to put a cold compress around your legs to help. You need to stretch out for that, though.”
Dean mumbles something barely audible and moves just enough that he can sling an arm around Cas’ leg and have his face end up pressed to Cas’ thigh.
“That’s not stretching out, Dean,” Cas chastises gently.
“Mmmh. Mate smell good.”
“Dean,” Cas sighs but he still puts his arm around Dean to rub his back.
“Mate nice. Mate warm. Me like mate.”
“No, Dean, you can’t cuddle into me quite this second,” Cas pushes at Dean when he does just that. “In a minute, okay? If you let me put those cold compresses on you first.”
Dean whines a little but he doesn’t hold on quite as strongly anymore.
“Okay, that’s good. Now scoot. Come on.”
With a little nudging and prodding Cas finally manages to straighten Dean out enough that he can get to his legs. He rolls up the linen underpants to Dean’s knee and puts the first cloth on his skin.
Dean flinches. “Cold!” he protests with another whine.
“They’re supposed to be cold.” Cas answers patiently, but doesn’t stop in wrapping Dean’s leg. After a minute, Dean lies still and lets him, though there are goosebumps cropping up on his skin.
Cas makes quick work of the second leg, putting some thick fabric underneath Dean’s legs so that the compresses won’t soak through to the straw of the mattress.
When he’s done, he crawls back up to the top of their den.
“Hold me now.” Dean requests without hesitation.
“Let me find a good spot to get comfortable first.”
“Promised.”
“I know that I promised. And I’m keeping my promise.” And really, Dean isn’t all that different from the Omega children Cas used to care for. They, too, were whiny and cuddly and generally out of it enough to express an unashamed need to be loved. It’s not a thing any Omega would do in other circumstances. Or any Alpha for that matter, Cas guesses. Though Dean expresses his wish to win Cas’ love often enough and with no less stubborn determination, even though his conscious brain has him hold back where he is clingy now.
“Oh no,” Cas pushes Dean back when he starts to turn over, “I’ll hold you but you need to lie still.”
Dean whines and pouts but he lets Cas get comfortable, sitting up against the headend of the bed, the pillows cushioning him, Dean’s head in his lap.
“Yeah, see, this is better. Now you can rest until Missouri brings the tea. You’ll need to drink that.”
Dean buries his head in the folds of Cas’ tunic in reply, his breaths becoming deeper and more even. Not for very long, though. He’s barely fallen asleep when he starts to shiver. It starts with his arms and upper back and seems to radiate outward.
Cas puts the bear fur back over Dean as well as he can from his position, hugging Dean close. The shivers are not unusual of course, but they worry Cas anyway. He puts a hand in Dean’s sweaty hair, rubbing circles into his scalp. It seems to help some at least.
Missouri comes back in not long after. She’s carrying two steaming mugs which she puts on the windowsill before she pulls a small table over next to the den, in easy reaching range for Cas.
“This one is for Dean,” she puts the mugs on the side-table and points at them individually. “The other one is for you. You need to make sure to drink enough and also to eat, even when he will probably not be eating anything but soup today.”
“Okay,” Cas nods.
Missouri comes over then, checking on the compresses. “They can stay on for a while longer before they need to be redone. How is he?”
“Cuddly. Also alternating between shivering and sweating.”
“Yeah,” Missouri puts a hand on Dean’s forehead, which makes him squirm to get away until Cas shushes him. Missouri seems unperturbed. “He’s young and strong. The fever will break soon enough.” She says it kindly, like it isn’t even necessary to be said but like she says it anyway as a favor to Cas.
Cas nods, even though he wishes that Missouri’s ‘soon enough’ was now rather than later.
“Drink your tea, Cas. And I’m not going to bring you more of it or any soup for that matter, so you’ll have to leave the room for that.”
Dean whines again when Missouri’s voice turns strict, so Cas busies himself with soothing him back down instead of answering.
“I’ll see you later then,” Missouri concludes.
This time, Cas nods. He’ll have little choice.
Missouri picks up the two books from their resting place and puts them in Cas’ reach. “In case you get bored.”
She nods once more and is gone.
Cas lets out a deep breath. He’s not scared of Missouri, not as such, but she is a commanding presence and she tolerates dissent less than Dean does. Or rather, she doesn’t tolerate stupidity. And it’s never quite sure what she’s going to see as someone being stupid.
“Alright, tea time.” Cas sits up a little straighter, jostling Dean in the process, who immediately protests. “Hmm, I fear you’ll have to wake up for this.” Cas lets a hand slide over Dean’s face softly, trying to wake him up without being obnoxious about it, before he reaches to grab Dean’s tea. He carefully balances the mug while nudging Dean again. “Come on, I have your tea. Remember that I told you you need to drink it?”
Dean’s eyes open halfway, focusing on the mug for a few heartbeats before falling shut again. “Moving stupid.”
“You don’t have to move much. Come on, I can hold the mug for you. You just have to sit up enough so that you can swallow.”
It takes a bit of physical manhandling, which Dean is not resisting, though he’s not exactly helping, either. But then Cas can put the mug to Dean’s lips.
“There you go,” he encourages Dean who takes a tiny sip and makes a face. “Uhuh, you gotta drink the whole thing.”
“‘S bitter.”
“I know. But it will help.”
“Don’t like it.” Dean wants to let himself glide back down but Cas quickly catches him.
“I’ll make sure to ask Missouri to put honey in your next cup. But for now you have to drink.” He puts the cup to Dean’s lips again.
Dean lets out a miserable sounding sigh, but he obediently swallows.
“Very good. You’re doing so very good, Dean,” Cas praises.
Finally the cup is empty and Cas can put it back on the table. He retrieves his own mug and takes a few sips. It’s Missouri’s normal herbal mixture and he’s grateful for it. It’s bad enough that he has to deal with willow bark during his heats.
“Mmmh,” Dean pouts and pulls at Cas’ sleeve. “Wanna snuggle.”
Cas chuckles. “Yes, Dean, I had already understood that.” He lets himself sink back down into the pillows.
Dean starts squirming until he’s comfortable in their new position. On the plus side, he seems to have stopped shaking for now, the warm tea having done its job. So Cas only has to do minor adjustments, to make sure that Dean’s elbow isn’t poking him and that Dean’s head doesn’t come to rest directly on his stomach and bladder.
He puts a hand back into Dean’s hair, rubbing in circles, until Dean first purrs and then softly starts snoring. It isn’t that long after that Cas’ eyes also fall close.
They go through three rounds of this, Cas leaving Dean asleep to fetch tea and soup and make quick business of his other needs, coming back and renewing the compresses, soothing Dean through any shaking and feeding him carefully.
Dean is sometimes more, sometimes less awake for any part of it, and he’s never quite coherent, though he’s not out of it enough that it would become truly worrisome.
Cas comes back in from a trip to the outhouse when he freezes at the door because Missouri is checking up on Dean.
“Gotta tell him, M’souri. Gotta tell him that I love him.”
“I think he knows, luv.”
“Can’t tell him, though. Had to buy him. ‘S fucked up, buying someone.”
“It sure is.”
“‘S not right trying to make someone love you when they’ve got no choice.”
“Hmm, but you gave him a choice, Dean. He’s with you because he loves you back.”
“Sam says ‘s wrong. Says it’ll hurt ‘im more. Don’t wanna hurt ‘im. Wanna love ‘im.”
“Then you do that, sweet boy. You love him like you want to love him. Sam will come around, I promise.”
“Mmmh.”
“Yeah, that’s right. Now rest a bit. I’ll send your mate back in to watch over you.” She runs a gentle hand along Dean’s face before straightening up.
Cas wasn’t sure whether she had seen him before but she shows no surprise when she comes towards him. She stops beside him for a moment. “Don’t take it too seriously. Not the part about him loving you. That is a truth that’s stored in every fiber of Dean’s being. But the part about Sam not approving.”
“Sam’s scared,” Cas answers quietly, because that is also a truth that is clearly visible to him.
“He is,” Missouri agrees. “John Winchester did a number on the both of them in this regard. And there is no mate in Sam’s life to help him figure it out.”
“I’m helping?” Cas asks. It isn’t facetious, either. Most of the time, he is not sure.
“You are,” Missouri nods. “Dean wasn’t - he wasn’t exactly
unhappy
before you came into his life. But there is a marked change. A
remarkable
one.” She lays a hand on his shoulder for a moment, smiles at him and then leaves without any further words.
He makes his way to their den and Dean, who cuddles back up immediately, even though his eyes are closed and for all intents and purposes he’s asleep. But then, they’ve slept next to each other for the better part of a year now, always close enough to exchange body heat, and usually wrapped up into each other to some degree. Dean’s body is no more used to sleeping alone than Cas’ body is. Cas searched Dean out at Angels’ Nest in his sleep as well, only to find himself alone. He had not liked the feeling. So he obligingly tightens his hold on Dean now, until a sigh of content turns into tiny snores.
It’s funny, how Dean is clingy and also sweaty and somewhat gross because of the sickness, but he’s still the only person Cas wants to be close to.
Sam checks in in time for dinner. He brings a new cup of tea and a bowl of stew. “Here. I thought, well, here.” Sam puts everything on the small table. “The tea is for Dean, the stew is for you. How is he?”
Dean’s currently curled up more or less completely around Cas, a little drool running out of his mouth. He’s snoring but his breathing is even, no audible strain to his intakes of breath. Cas has listened to it intently all day, wanting to know at the first instance if the sickness progresses by filling up Dean’s airways with slime or water.
“You can feed him the tea,” Cas answers. “Then you can see for yourself.”
“It’s not -,” Sam clears his throat. “It’s not like I don’t trust you or anything.”
“But you want to see for yourself,” Cas nods because really, he hadn’t expected anything else. “Dean?” He rubs a hand over Dean’s back. “Dean, Sam is here. He’s brought more tea.”
For a long moment, Dean doesn’t react at all. But then his snoring stutters and with a few coughs he blinks his eyes half-open. “Rmpf.”
“Remember how this goes? You have to sit up to drink your tea. Sam’s gonna help you, okay?”
That produces a frown and two strong Alpha hands grabbing at Cas’ tunic to hold him in place.
Cas chuckles, because really he should have expected this reaction. He runs his fingers over Dean’s, prompting him to loosen his hold on the fabric. “I’m going to stay right here, no worries. But Sam brought me dinner and I kind of need my hands to eat it.” He looks up at Sam. “Thank you for that, by the way.”
Sam shrugs uncomfortably. “It’s nothing. I mean, you have your hands full with him. Literally.”
That is undoubtedly true, but it doesn’t mean that Sam was obligated to go out of his way to bring Cas food. In fact, it surprises him quite a bit that Sam did. But he doesn’t state that and instead nudges Dean again. “Tea, Dean. You promised you were gonna drink it, remember?”
“Mmh.” Something about the word
promised
seems to work or anyway Dean is finally helping with the whole sitting up thing. He even opens his eyes. He blinks as he focuses on his surroundings, movements sluggish. “Sam.”
“Yeah, Dean, it’s me,” Sam smiles and stretches out a hand to steady his brother. “I brought you tea.” He keeps a hand on Dean even while he stretches to retrieve the mug.
Dean looks from the mug to Sam and back to the mug and then mumbles, “Don’t tell dad.”
“What?”
“Can’t be sick. You know that.”
“Because an Alpha is never sick.” Sam exhales it in one long breath, repeating the sentence more for himself than for his audience, Cas thinks. Then his energy changes. He smiles at Dean, though the smile is pained. “I won’t tell him. You know that. I never do.”
“You’re a good brother, Sammy.” Dean makes an uncoordinated attempt to take the mug but Sam holds it fast, guiding it to Dean’s lips instead.
“Yeah, you are a good brother, too.”
Dean drinks a few sips of tea without complaining before he turns his head away. “‘Nough.”
“No, Dean, you have to drink the whole cup,” Cas softly admonishes even while he gets his own bowl and starts eating.
“Mrmpf,” Dean wrinkles his nose. “Not sick. Don’t need tea.”
“I’m not sick and I also drink my tea,” Sam argues.
Surprisingly, it seems to be logical enough for Dean that even though he makes noises of protest, he drinks another few gulps. After that, though, his eyes are already falling shut again.
“‘M gonna drink the rest later,” he mumbles and lets himself slide back down until his head ends in Cas’ lap.
Sam frowns at his brother, but obviously decides that it’s not worth the fight and puts the half-empty cup back on the small table. “Sorry. I tried.”
Cas frowns, too, then. “There is no need to apologize to me.”
Sam shrugs uncomfortably. “Feels like I should be able to take better care of him. I mean, he took care of me my whole life, but here you are, being better at it than me…”
Cas has no idea what to answer to that. “Sam…”
“Nah, it’s okay, Cas. There’s no need to try to make me feel better about it. Maybe you’re more natural at care-giving or maybe…”
“Dean is your big brother,” Cas interrupts. “In his mind, you’re still his little brother. You’re his ally in this world, but he also wants to be the one taking care of you. Not the other way around.”
“He wants to take care of you, too,” Sam points out.
“And protect me,” Cas nods, though really, Dean wants to protect everyone he loves. “But it’s still different.”
“Because you’re his - mate.” There is an audible hesitation before the word.
“Because he never knew me other than grown.” Because though they will never be equal anywhere in their society, they’re on equal footing in this. “He
lets
me take care of him. That’s why it looks like it’s easier for me than for you. He makes it easier for me.”
For a long moment, Sam says nothing. Then he nods. “That makes sense, I guess. I don’t have to like it, though.”
“No,” Cas shakes his head. “You don’t have to.”
“As long as I accept it.”
There is no question in the sentence and Cas guesses that Sam indeed has only very little choice in this. “As long as you accept it,” he agrees.
“Like I have to accept you and Dean?” Sam asks, sudden challenge in his voice.
Cas tightens his hold around Dean’s shoulder. But all he says is, “You’ll have to take that up with him, not me.”
“Do I, though?” Sam wrinkles his forehead. “Don’t you have just as much a part in this as Dean? Or isn’t that at least what Dean wants us to believe?”
Cas doesn’t like the accusation in Sam’s voice one bit. “He says it because it’s what
he
believes,” he answers with emphasis.
“Does that mean you know better?”
Cas has no answer for that. Of course he does. How could he not? But he likes Dean’s vision of what the world should be so much better than the world he finds outside of Dean’s realm.
But then of course that is the crux of it as well: this pack is Dean's realm and never mind how tolerant Dean is of their temperamental group, one word from him is enough to banish any of them. And yet.
“I have never found use in complaining about my station in life. But I have also never before been happy. So forgive me, Sam, if I will do everything in my power to forget the beliefs I had learned and will instead put my faith in him.”
He says it quietly, would never raise his voice against Sam, but something of his conviction must make it through, because Sam abruptly turns away. “Tell me if something changes? If he gets better or worse?”
Cas nods. “Of course.”
“Thank you.” And with that, Sam is gone.
Cas sighs and rearranges himself so that he’s snuggled up in the blankets, Dean halfway on top of him. He’ll wait Sam out. It’s all he can do.
The night is uneasy for both of them, Cas’ sleep fitful as Dean’s unrest wakes him more than once. But in the morning, Cas wakes up to find groggy eyes focused on him. It’s a good sign.
“I think I lost a day.” Dean’s voice is hoarse, his deep timbre scratched over nails.
“You did,” Cas confirms and puts a hand on Dean’s forehead. His hair is sweaty and he still feels too warm but the glassiness is mostly gone from his eyes. “Welcome back.”
“One day?” Dean asks.
“Yes,” Cas affirms again. “No more than that.”
Dean nods as he processes the information. “The others?”
“Are fine.”
“Sam?”
“Was here yesterday night. I can tell him that you’re awake if you want.”
Dean thinks about it for the time it takes to take a deep breath, then he falls back down in the pillows, strength already exhausted. “Later, maybe.” He sighs contentedly as he gets comfortable but then he startles up again. “Was I embarrassing? Did I drool on you?”
Cas chuckles. “How are you feeling?” he asks.
“Oh God, I was. Did I say something weird? What did I say?” Dean asks, eyes wide, though then his brows draw together in a frown like he’s trying hard to remember what happened yesterday. “It’s all a blur.” Suddenly, he grabs Cas’ arm. “Did I do something? I didn’t do anything, right?”
“Dean.” Cas takes Dean’s hand, holding it fast. “You were a little clingier than usual. And you hated drinking your tea. That’s all.”
“Clingier?” Dean asks, and now the cloying scent of worry is thicker than the one of sickness. “Did I…?”
“No,” Cas shakes his head. “You didn’t do anything that scared me, I promise.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
That makes Dean sigh a breath of relief.
“Are you hurting?” Cas picks back up where he didn’t get an answer before.
“Hmm.” Dean seems to take stock of his appendages before shrugging and settling back into the blankets. “Could be worse.”
Cas takes it. Dean’s limbs being sore is to be expected. As long as there are no sharp pains, it should be alright. “I’ll go get us some soup.” He starts untangling himself from the blankets but pauses when Dean’s hand doesn’t shoot out to stop him. Somehow, he already got used to that. Maybe even misses it a little. He chuckles at himself because it’s absurd, finding it adorable that an Alpha doesn’t want him to leave. It should frighten him, not make him want to pet Dean’s hair. Only, there was absolutely nothing frightening about it.
“What’s funny?” Dean asks.
“Nothing, really,” because that is the truth. “Just seems like I already got used to you trying to stop me whenever I want to leave.”
Dean doesn’t answer anything but Cas can virtually smell how little he likes that.
“Oh, stop that,” Cas admonishes, smacking Dean lightly on the thigh. “You were sick and whiny and in need of love, that’s all.” Because that’s the truth, too. Dean didn’t cling to keep Cas under control.
For a moment, there is silence between them. Dean watches him like a hawk. Waiting for Cas to freeze, probably, because Cas said
stop that
and even though his tone was light, nowhere near an actual command, his tone was assertive and the smack to Dean’s thigh accentuated that.
Only Cas doesn’t freeze. Because he’s not frightened. Dean’s been curled up around him with the trust of someone who has yet to be hurt for the past two days. More trust than anyone’s ever given Cas. And Dean might not talk about it much, but he’s definitely been hurt before. Maybe in different ways than Cas has, but they are significant anyway. As different as they are, they are similar, too. So it’s only logical that, “I think I’ll be the same,” he says quietly. “When the fever hits me. I’ll be in need of love as well.”
“Then I will love you in any way that you let me.” It’s a statement of fact much more than a promise. There is no waver, no doubt, not even persuasion in the words. There is no need to convince Cas of the truth of this and Dean knows it. They both know it.
It makes Cas smile and lean in to steal a soft kiss from Dean’s lips. It tastes like Missouri’s herbs and like sweat, and it makes Cas chuckle against Dean’s skin.
“What is it?” Dean asks curiously.
“You’re sweated right through again.”
Dean’s eyes light up in understanding and he snorts. “I’d propose doing something about it but…”
Cas stops him with a touch to his arm. “I’ll draw you a bath. In a tub, in here, next to the fire. Once Missouri clears you to get out of bed.”
Dean wrinkles his nose. “She better do that fast. I’m not sweating out every drop of liquid anymore. If you bring me more tea or soup, matters are going to become urgent eventually.”
Cas rolls his eyes. “There’s a bedpan under the bed, Dean.”
Dean looks at him like he’s lost his mind. “And make you…? No. Just no.”
Cas laughs again at Dean’s wide-eyed expression. He shrugs. “I don’t mind. There’s worse things in the world than emptying a bedpan.”
It’s the wrong thing to say because immediately Dean’s eyebrows draw together, the face of an oncoming storm. And okay, Dean’s emotions are still affected by the tail-end of the fever, leaving him much less even-keeled than usual.
Which, Cas decides, he might as well exploit to get Dean’s mood to swing back in a better direction. And he knows no better way to do that, then to keep going with what he’s started. Dean gives a surprised little
umpf
when Cas shuts him up by kissing him again, but he gets on-board fast enough, drawing Cas in by his waist until he’s up on top of Dean. At this speed, Cas is never going to get around to actually getting that soup. Not that he’s really complaining.
They’ve done this a lot lately, of course, but it still amazes Cas how Dean’s bristly scent changes, how the tension drains from his muscles, how he
melts
against Cas’ skin.
That, too, takes trust, Cas thinks. Alphas are on their guard for different reasons than Omegas, but they still are and usually need to be alert to their surroundings. They don’t have the luxury of relaxing into the moment. Only Dean does. He focuses his full attention on Cas, on what they’re sharing, and it’s like everything else that’s dragging his shoulders down is suddenly gone. Not forever, of course, but for a while there.
It makes Cas proud.
“Ahem.” Missouri’s voice startles them both. “I’m guessing that this means that you feel better, Dean Winchester.” It is of course no more than she has predicted, that the fever would break within a day.
“I do,” Dean nods earnestly. “I have you and Cas to thank for it, I think.”
“You do,” Missouri nods satisfied, never one to not be accepting praise where it’s due. “My herbs made sure the fever broke fast and Cas made sure you wouldn’t do anything stupid.” She puts a hand on Cas’ shoulder. “It is the first time in known history that he did not rebel against his treatment.”
Dean blushes at the words and grumbles something inaudible.
“Go bring him some stew. He’ll be hungry. Bring some for yourself as well. And tell Sam that his brother is awake and coherent. He worries.”
Cas nods and squeezes Dean’s hand for a moment before jumping up. Disobeying Missouri will never be an option.
He tells it four times even just on his way through the common room to the fire where the stew is simmering. That, yes, Dean is awake and feeling better. Yes, Castiel himself feels well as well. One time he has to add that no, he didn’t get a chance yet to look at the books. It’s the young Alpha who’s teaching him who’s asking of course.
“Omegas are no worse at reading than anyone else,” she assures him. “You just have to apply yourself.”
It makes the blonde Omega by her side groan. “Kaaaaia,” she pouts. “Stop harassing every one of us about reading.”
Cas wonders when he’d become
one of us
.
“Are you denying that you enjoy it to read about adventures on the days when it’s too ghastly out to have them?” Kaia challenges Claire.
Who sticks her tongue out at the Alpha in return and grins, “Well, catch me in the ghastly snow,” before running off towards the entrance.
Kaia shakes her head but she laughs softly as she turns to Cas, “Excuse me, it seems that I have an Omega to catch.” And with that, she’s off after Claire.
Cas looks after them spellbound. He’s never met anyone like them.
“Are you alright?” A voice next to him asks.
“Their spirits have never been broken,” he says, too in awe of the revelation to keep it to himself.
Donna assesses him quietly before she answers, “It came close enough.”
And maybe that’s true, but he sees something in them that he’s sure he has never had. “I wish…” But he stops there.
“What do you wish?” Donna asks curiously.
He shakes his head. “It is not of import.”
“Because you are an Omega?”
He shakes his head again. “Because so many of my wishes already came true. Wishing for more would be greedy.”
Donna shrugs. “In my experience, it’s not the wishing that makes the greed. It’s the taking without care for other people’s wishes that does.”
He has to admit that he does in fact see the point of that. It’s still impossible what he was wishing for, though. He will never run a carefree chase like they do. Too much has happened in his life. So he amends his wish to, “In that case, I wish that I could do more to help.”
“To help them?” Donna frowns.
“Not Claire and Kaia,” Cas shakes his head. “They are fortunate to have already found a good place. But others, who had less luck.”
The little ones at Master Crowley’s. The countless frightened Omegas he’s seen at auctions, the prices ever higher the younger they are.
“And how would you do that?” Donna asks with raised eyebrows.
There is curiosity there, but also something deeper, something more calculating. Cas isn’t sure he likes it. What he’s thinking of doing - buying presented children and bringing them to Angels’ Nest - is not necessarily illegal, at least not the buying part of it and at least as long as Dean is the one doing the buying, but it’s definitely a plan in defiance of everything their society believes, so he’s unsure how wise it is to share it with anyone. Even someone as outwardly friendly towards Omegas as Donna.
“It is a wish. If I knew how, I would call it a plan.” It’s a sassy answer and as such also not appropriate of course but it distracts Donna into a snort. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m actually trying to find Sam to tell him that Dean is awake.”
“I can relieve you of that duty. He went with Jo to gather a few things from town. They left not long ago but I can tell him to check in on you when he’s back.”
“There were things needed from town?” Cas asks frowning.
“He’s Dean’s second in command, is he not? He needs no permission.”
That is true of course, so Castiel gives a nod in acknowledgement. “I’ll find food for Dean and myself then.”
He does do exactly that.
Missouri is already gone again when Cas comes back to their room, but instead Jody is in the room now. She has her hands on her hips, her whole form radiating disapproval.
“You better be kidding, Dean Winchester, because I sure as hell won’t allow that.”
Cas freezes in the doorway. He’s pretty sure neither of two has noticed him yet.
“Don’t wanna be a burden.”
“And I don’t want to have your early demise on my conscience. You’re staying inside for at least a week.”
“But I…”
“If you want to help, teach your Omega how to read so that Kaia can concentrate on her own lessons.”
“Cas. His name is Cas.”
That wrings a sigh out of Jody. “He is your Omega, whether you admit it or not.”
“You’re wrong.”
“How stupid do you believe me to be, Dean Winchester?”
“I believe you to be one of the smartest people I know. You’re still wrong. Cas is no more my property than Donna is yours. I thought I had made that clear.”
“Oh Dean.” Suddenly Jody’s posture shifts. She awkwardly pats Dean’s leg from on top of the blanket. “Cas is just as much yours as Donna is mine. That is what I was saying.”
It gives Dean pause. His voice is softer when he answers, “One day maybe. If I’m very lucky.”
“
Luck
has very little to do with it.”
“I’ll still hope for it, if it’s all the same to you.”
Dean sounds so weary saying it that Cas can’t stay by the door any longer. He strides into the room, purposefully loud to make his presence known. When he reaches the bed, he ignores Jody and reaches out a hand to give Dean the bowl of stew he brought. “You deserve to be happy, Dean. Just as much or as little as anybody else.”
“So do you, Cas.”
“I know,” Cas nods and turns back to Jody after all. “And I can deal without knowing letters if it keeps Kaia from her studies. Though please tell her that she is a good teacher and that it’s not her skills why the lessons will stop.”
“No one said anything about the lessons stopping,” Jody grumbles. “And it’s probably better to have Kaia keep teaching you. Who knows how well Dean retained the lessons from his childhood. His writing is probably barely adequate.”
She nods at the both of them and then abruptly turns and leaves.
Immediately, Dean sinks back into his pillows, obviously exhausted from the exchange. He smiles, though, when he looks at Cas and sees how tightly Cas’ lips are pressed together.
“You can say it. Whatever it is you want to say about her. Though all she means to say is that she cares.”
“She has a funny way of saying it.” He doesn’t make the effort to not let his disapproval show.
It makes Dean smile even more. “A gruff way for sure. It reminds me of Bobby.”
“Who got thrown out of the pack for it,” Cas points out.
“By my father, not me. I loved Bobby. In fact, I am quite sure that I loved him more than I did my father.”
This is information that Cas had not been partial to before. “Did he know?”
“Bobby? Or John?”
“Both?”
Dean thinks about it for a moment, warming his hands on the bowl contemplatively. “Not in so many words. I don’t remember us ever talking about it.” He shudders a little. “Don’t really even want to think about my dad’s reaction to that one.”
“But he loved you? You and Sam?” Cas asks and finds himself a spot towards the foot end of the bed where he can look at Dean while they’re eating.
“In his own way, sure,” Dean shrugs uncomfortably. “We were his legacy after all.”
“His legacy?” Cas frowns.
“To shape after his own image.” Dean grimaces and shudders again. “For a while there, he succeeded, too. At least with me. Sam always knew better.”
“What did he teach you?” Cas asks cautiously. He remembers Jody’s grim face when she told him to ask Dean for the whole story about his father.
Dean thinks about it before he quietly answers, “He taught me hardness. And that fear and respect were the same thing. If it wasn’t for Bobby, I might still be believing it.”
“Did you fear him? Your father?”
“Yes. Though I couldn’t have told you it was so back then. I would have told you that he is the Alpha and thus always knows best. That he does everything he does to assure our safety. That every action he takes to achieve that goal is justified.” Dean laughs mirthlessly. “Sam would have told you that he’s an asshole. Sam would have been right.”
Dean closes his eyes for a long moment, taking deep breaths, maybe to get rid of the images of the past. It is visible, how much both their talk and eating his food have exhausted Dean, so Cas puts his bowl on the table. It is mostly empty anyway. He crawls up the bed until he’s level with Dean and puts his arms around him. “You are a good Alpha, Dean.”
“I try to be,” Dean sighs and puts his bowl to the side as well. It’s barely half-eaten. “‘M not hungry.”
“It’s okay. You ate some, that’s the most important,” Cas soothes him.
“I know that I can do it when I have to. Make people fear me, I mean. It is necessary sometimes. But I don’t revel in it the way he did.”
“There is no need to convince me of this, Dean. I knew it from the first day I met you.”
“You were barely even you that first day.”
“And still I knew,” Cas insists. “Which, if you think about, speaks all the more in your favor.” When it doesn’t seem to make an impact, Cas squeezes Dean’s hand. “I can count on one hand the people who have ever been good to me. That you had to teach me to be myself speaks against others, not you.”
Dean shakes his head, though the gesture lacks its usual strength. His head is sinking to Cas’ shoulder already, fatigue taking him over. “Want to ask sometimes. ‘Bout what he did to you. Crowley.” The name is accompanied by a low growl deep in Dean’s chest. “Can’t though. Don’t wanna scare you.” The last words are slurred.
“Why would that scare me?” Cas runs his fingers along Dean’s scalp and down his back.
“‘Cause I’d get angry. Know I would. Don’t like it. What they did to you. Don’t like it at all.”
“Yeah,” Cas agrees, keeping his voice soft. “I don’t like it, either. But it doesn’t matter right now. All that matters is that you get some rest. Sleep, Dean.”
“Bad dreams. Don’t like those, either.”
“They were fever dreams. The fever is almost gone. You’ll sleep well now.” Cas has no way of knowing whether that’s true, Dean has nightmares often enough even without the fever. But he hopes for it anyway. “I’ll be here. I’ll keep you safe.”
That is the argument that finally seems to sway Dean. Or maybe his exhaustion is just too much to overcome. Either way, his eyes stay closed and it only takes a few short moments before he slumps down, his head coming to rest against Cas’ stomach and his breathing evening out.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It takes another full day before Missouri allows Dean to get up for anything other than a quick trip to relieve himself. Not that she’s happy about those. But Dean still refuses to use the bedpan, and he isn’t out of it enough anymore, that they’d have a chance at making him.
“No, I really don’t need any help.” Cas can’t keep the annoyance out of his voice.
“‘S alright, just asking,” Jo smirks. “I mean you didn’t turn Garth down when he brought snow in for you to warm up. And it’s not like we haven’t all seen Dean in his birthday suit at one point or another.” She wiggles her eyebrows.
Cas has to take a deep breath. It’s good-natured ribbing and he knows it. They’re all happy that it only took a few days for Dean to get better, and Jo’s no exception. Still, Jo is the daughter of a fertile Beta. Cas doesn’t want the knowledge to change his attitude towards her, but it does. The daughters of fertile Betas often are fertile themselves. There is no way of knowing, of course, until you try it out. Even if they’ve inherited all physical functions of their mothers, many of them can’t carry a child to term.
Now Dean has never said a word about this to Cas. He’s never treated Jo any different than a younger sister, who he indulges out of fondness. But it would make sense, having tried it out. Dean needs his line to continue, and he doesn’t buy Omegas. He wants a family. Producing a child within the pack would be a perfect solution. And Cas cannot imagine anyone refusing to lie with Dean. Not because he would take by force what is denied to him, but because he is sweet and kind and attentive, and he cares so much that Cas cannot imagine being close to Dean would be a hardship for anyone.
“Cas? You okay?”
He only notices that he’s standing frozen, the empty bucket which had contained the last of the snow still in his hand, when Jo looks at him puzzled.
“I apologize,” Cas stammers, confused by the strength of his own reaction.
“‘S okay,” Jo frowns. “You sure you didn’t catch Dean’s fever?”
“Yes,” Cas nods and puts the bucket down next to the large pot over the fire. The water warms up much faster over the bigger fire here but now Cas thinks he should have used the small fire in their room after all. “I’m pretty sure.”
“Just go tell Missouri the minute you feel out of sorts. Dean’s never gonna forgive any of us if anything happens to you that could have been avoided.”
“I’m feeling fine, Jo.”
The return of his grumpy tone seems to relieve her, like it makes it clear that he has his wits about him. In any case, she nods and turns back to her knives instead of bothering him.
He still needs a moment to really shake himself out of it, though. Oh, he’s known envy all his life. He’s envied many people, their lives invariably better than his. But jealousy? No. If anything he envied the old slaves, the ugly ones, the ones that got left alone.
But now he imagines Dean lying with Jo, being soft and gentle with her as he is with Cas, and he imagines Jo smiling, imagines her touching Dean with ease, because for her, touches that feel good are just that, something that feels good. There is no struggle there for her, no panic clawing at her.
Cas has never expected to be the first one Dean lies with, knows by the surety of Dean’s hands that he’s not, but he’s also never expected the cold claw around his heart when he thinks of someone else giving Dean with ease what Cas struggles with so hard.
He takes another deep breath as he tests the temperature of the water. It had obviously not worked. If Dean and Jo had shared their camp at night, no pup had come out of it, and now Dean shares his blankets with Cas. There has never been any use in Cas’ life for dwelling on the past, and this thing is no different than others. The water for Dean’s bath is warm, yet not scalding, and Cas will be the one bringing it into their room. Because Dean shares his bed and his body with Cas now.
And his heart, a small voice inside him adds, and that is the first thought in all of this that makes him smile.
It’s the last of the water needed for the bath, the iron tub already mostly filled, herbs and salts already added. Dean is still sitting on their bed though, underpants on and looking hesitant.
“You should get in before the water gets cold,” Cas tells him and pours the last of the water on top of the rest before testing the temperature again. He nods satisfied when he finds the heat to his liking. “Do you want me to wash your linens while you bathe? They will need a while to dry, but you’ll be warm under the furs.”
“I was actually wondering whether I should leave them on,” Dean answers.
“Why would you do that?” Cas frowns.
Dean just looks at him until Cas blushes and looks away.
“You don’t have to. I’ve seen you naked.”
“That was outside. Where you didn’t have to deal with close proximity to me,” Dean points out.
That is true of course.
“Or if you want to go, Sam can help me. It’s been a while since anyone had to help me with a bath,” Dean grimaces, “but I think I’ll survive the teasing.”
That makes Cas smile. “At least you’re not fighting the help.”
Dean huffs a short laugh, too. “Not sure if you’ve noticed, but no one wins against Missouri, Alpha or not.”
Cas nods sagely. “I have in fact noticed.”
It makes Dean laugh some more. “Yeah, it’s hard to overlook. So, no, I’ll not risk her wrath. But I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, either.”
“That’s very chivalrous of you, Dean, but as I said, I’m aware that you have a body under your clothes.” He says it with more confidence than he feels, but thoughts of Jo are still lingering in his mind, and that’s enough to override any indecision.
Dean smiles at him, but his eyes remains cautious, like he sees right through Cas’ sassy bravery and into his much more timid heart.
“It’s a bath, Dean. Just a bath. You do not hurt me while lying right next to me. And it’s not a piece of cloth covering your loins that keeps you from reaching out and taking. So why would you hurt me now?”
“I wouldn’t,” Dean mumbles. He nods to himself before getting up and loosening the string that keeps his underpants up. He turns away modestly, a blush covering his chest and cheeks that Cas doesn’t think is entirely due to the warmth of the room and the steam from the bath.
It’s that blush that gives Cas the courage to hold out a hand to stop Dean when he wants to hurry climbing into the warm water. “Wait. Be careful. You’ll hurt yourself if you slip.”
It is an excuse, though, because even though Dean stops, Cas’ hand stays on Dean’s arm and his gaze is drawn down. Dean stays still for him, too, a slightly sheepish smile on his face as he squirms under the attention. Still, he lets Cas look his fill in the warm light of their small fire, not making either a move to cover himself up, nor moving towards Cas.
And yeah, Cas thinks he might be retreating if Dean was showing any signs of being overcome by arousal. As it is, the sight of Dean is not frightening, even though Cas can't say that the parts being on display right now are his favorites. Though, “Your freckles are everywhere.” Somehow he had never thought about that, that Dean's freckles don't stop at the line of his pants. That he is
Dean
everywhere.
Dean chuckles at Cas’ observation. “Sure are.”
“I’ve never…” Cas clears his throat and looks back up at Dean’s face. “I’ve always tried to avoid looking at them. The Alphas. Any part of them, really. Not that they cared one way or another.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No,” Cas shakes his head. “That’s not what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say is that none of this is even slightly the same as it was there.”
“You never had to help them…?”
“Bathe? No. Not a service Master Crowley provided for his business partners.”
“And Crowley himself?” Dean asks.
Cas snorts an involuntary laugh. “Oh, Master Crowley made sure never to come too close to me.”
Dean answers that with a grim smile and a growl. “Good. He should be afraid. The more the better.”
It would be more impressive if Dean didn’t wobble, the sickness having sapped the strength out of his legs.
“Enough of the past. Go get in your bath.”
Dean doesn’t protest it, which in itself is enough indication that staying on his feet is not yet easy for him. Cas holds out his other hand and tightens his grip on Dean’s shoulder, keeping him steady.
Dean groans a relieved sigh when he glides into the hot water. He closes his eyes, obviously enjoying the warmth. “Admittedly, this feels better than washing in the snow.”
“Oh Dean.” Cas shakes his head but he kneels down next to the tub, picks up the washcloth and dunks it in the water to start rubbing it over Dean’s shoulders.
Dean sighs again, definite pleasure in his tone now. He leans forward a little in the tub, granting Cas better access. “You don’t have to, you know.”
“I know,” Cas nods and makes his movements long and languid. He can feel Dean relaxing under his touch, small sighs and moans escaping him. He sinks a little deeper into the water, eyes still closed.
It brings an unexpected feeling of - power.
Dean’s always so cautious, even around Cas, if only because he doesn’t want to hurt him. But right now, every muscle in Dean's body is relaxing under Cas' touch. Even though Dean's naked and vulnerable, and by all rights should be on his guard. He would be even with Sam, Cas thinks, though it’s doubtful that he would let Sam take care of him at all. But Dean melts under Cas’ hands like butter and Cas finds that it feels pretty good that he has the power to do something that maybe no one else can.
“I’ve never had that.”
“Hmmm?”
Cas only notices that he’s said the words out loud when Dean lazily opens an eye.
Cas blushes a little, though he hopes it isn’t too noticeable over the steam of the bath. “You have so much family. So many friends. I’ve never had any connection this strong.”
“Had?” Dean asks, alert even now. “Past tense?”
It makes Cas grumble a bit because he’s never been this easy to read, either. “You know the answer to that.”
“Still feels good to hear it.”
“Before you,” Cas gives in. “I’ve never had that before you.”
He feels like it should make Dean preen because it’s an accomplishment for sure, but Dean stays serious and turns in the tub best as he can to look at Cas when he asks, “And is that a good thing?”
Cas frowns, “Why wouldn’t it be?”
Dean shrugs. “Was a time when all you wanted was to be left alone. Did that change? Or are you humoring the rest of us by searching out company?”
Now Cas wouldn’t go as far as saying he’s actively searching out company, at least not among the pack, but he’s definitely come to see it as less bothersome to stop avoiding it. Though, well, he’s always searched out Dean. “You’re still the only one I never find exhausting,” he blurts out.
It makes Dean chuckle. “Maybe don’t let Jo hear it. You’re her favorite sparring partner these days.”
Cas shakes his head, smiling even though the mention of Jo still doesn’t sit completely right. Though she gave him her amulet back at Angels’ Nest, a protective ward that he doesn’t entirely believe in but that Missouri has touched with a deep smile and told him to keep. Not that he would have done anything different. But then, Jo had wanted to protect him. They all had, in their own way, whether it was with coins or furs or wrist guards. He has forged more connections here than just the one to Dean. “Sam’s the only one who doesn’t like me at all, I think,” Cas voices his observations quietly.
Immediately, the tension in Dean’s shoulders comes back, muscles moving and bulging.
“I’m sorry. It’s not my place to comment on your brother.”
“‘S not that,” Dean shakes his head. “You have every right. It’s just that I don’t know how to fix this,” he admits.
“I think you - don’t,” Cas shrugs helplessly.
“But I’m the Alpha. It’s my job to fix things.”
“Not this,” Cas disagrees. “This is different.”
Dean sighs, not negating Cas’ statement. He plays with the water, producing tiny splashes and waves. “I know. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
“No,” Cas smiles fondly. “You sure don’t.”
“Was he awful? While I was sick? You’d tell me if he wasn’t respecting you, right? And I do remember that he visited even if the details aren’t there.”
“He was fine, Dean. Worried about you, obviously. But otherwise fine.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“Hmm. Sometimes I don’t know if we don’t have a different definition of what is
fine
in how other humans treat you.”
It's true, sometimes they do. But not in this. "You talked about your dad. How he couldn't find out that you were sick. Sam calmed you down."
It makes Dean look away, concentrating his gaze on the water again. "I still don't like it when anybody sees me like that. I mean, I know everybody gets sick sometimes, but," he shrugs, "it's ingrained I guess."
"I get that. I - feel the same." Though Cas only rarely gets a fever that comes from sickness. But the other fever makes him so incredibly ashamed and disgusted with himself that he knows the feeling of wanting to crawl into a hole and not come out until it’s over all too well.
“Hey.” There’s a wet hand on Cas’ face, cupping his cheek, and worried eyes are boring into him.
“I’m okay,” Cas says because he really is.
“I know that it’s bullshit, you know?” And when Cas doesn’t react, “You think there’s any chance I could make you see it, too?”
“You don’t have to fix everything, Dean.”
“I’m not trying to fix you, Cas. There’s nothing about you that needs fixing. Want you to be happy, though.”
Cas leans in then, kissing Dean’s wet lips. It doesn’t make Dean’s eyes less worried. “You know that I am. Happy.”
"There are moments,” Dean allows. “When you sit by the fire and sew and forget that there are people around you. In the early mornings sometimes, when you're not quite awake yet and burrow back down under my arm because it's the warmest spot." Dean's small smile falls. "But then you remember that it's morning and that you should get up to stoke the fire, never mind that you will be freezing. You remember that you should be
useful
." Dean spits the word. "And any peace your mind had found, any content you had is gone."
"That's not true," Cas shakes his head. "I'm always happy to be here. I just -," he breaks off because he's not sure how to say what he wants to say. "I'm not used to not having to feel guilty for it. There was no such thing as friendship between masters and slaves at Master Crowley's. He'd have had anyone's hide who'd presumed to be enough person for that."
"No one here thinks that you're less than a full person, you know that, right?"
"I do," Cas nods. "But how did you say that? It's ingrained." Then he determinedly shakes his head. "Enough of that. Do you want me to help wash the rest of you?"
Dean blinks like he had forgotten that he was naked in a bathtub. ”Right. I gotta wash. Do you want to wash? Not me, you. I mean, we have the tub in here already. Water’s still gonna be warm when I’m done. Or we could warm some more of it, there’s enough snow after all. I mean, not that you smell bad or anything. Just, the water is really nice and if you wanted -” Dean abruptly shuts his mouth like he’s only just noticed that he was babbling. “Sorry. I think I’ve still got some fever.”
“You should probably see to it that you finish washing and get out of the bath,” Cas nods.
“I mean it, though. None of us had the chance to wash in a while.”
It’s tempting. It really is. Dean is right, they haven’t had the chance to clean themselves thoroughly since, well, since around Angels’ Nest.
“I should rather wash your linens,” Cas hedges, because everything that Dean wore in the past few days is sweat through in a way that makes the linens grimier than is even their standard.
“You know that I have a second pair. Cleaning clothes can wait until tomorrow.”
“I -” Cas has been naked around Dean before, too. But this close? For as long a time as a bath takes? That happened only way back in the beginning, when he took it for granted that Dean would want to lie with him. It seems so far away now that it might as well have been in another life.
“I can leave for a while if that’s what you want. The others will be happy to see me up and about.” Dean smiles at him kindly, eyes warm and understanding.
And really, Cas wishes that wasn’t necessary. That Dean didn’t have to always, always be considerate and understanding. That for once, something could just be simple. “It’s okay. You can stay.”
It comes out on a frustrated half-growl that has Dean raise his eyebrows in a question that Cas refuses to acknowledge. Instead, he grabs the washcloth again and starts scrubbing at Dean’s arms and chest.
Dean lets him, too, all the way until Cas’ hand is dunked in water and he’s reached Dean’s beltline. “Not like this.” He wrings the washcloth out of Cas’ hand. “You can touch if you want. If you’re curious. But not because you tried to be useful. I never want to be a master to you, Cas. I never want touching me to become your
task
.”
And yes, somewhere along the line, Cas has actually understood that. He surrenders the washcloth to Dean without a fight but he stays close, watching as Dean starts scrubbing at himself. If he expects Dean to make a little bit of a show out of it, to flaunt what he has, he doesn’t. His moves are perfunctory, if a little tired, reminding Cas again that Dean is not fully recovered yet, and also that Dean is Dean, with or without clothes.
Once Dean is done, Cas gets up from the ground. He gets the soft old tunic that he’d put on the bed for exactly this purpose and then holds a hand out to Dean to steady him while he’s climbing out of the tub. He hands him the tunic. “Only until you’re dried. Then you have to change into dry clothes.”
“Wouldn’t think of doing it differently,” Dean chuckles, the humor very much on purpose.
Cas can see it, though, how Dean’s legs shake and how grateful his expression is when he sinks down to sit on the edge of the bed.
“Uff. That took more out of me than I thought,” Dean says and runs a hand through his wet hair, making droplets of water fly.
“There’s still some tea on the table. You need to drink.”
But instead of going over there himself to get Dean his drink, Cas takes a deep breath and draws his tunic over his head, before starting to fiddle with the ribbon that holds his pants up. He’s not wearing layers today, having had no reason to leave the house in a few days.
Dean clears his throat. “Is it, uhh, is it okay if I look at you?”
Cas stops in the middle of his movement, as so often more than a little baffled by Dean’s response. “You know that it is, Dean.”
“Hmm, no, I don’t know that. I know that
in general
you don’t have a problem with me looking at you. But this here is very specific.”
“It is specifically okay then, to look at me.” It comes out mostly confident, too, even though Cas is very much aware that Dean is still only half-dressed. He fumbles on the strings of his pants, too, but finally they drop. Then he just stands there, unsure what to do. On the one hand, he wants to protect himself, cover his nudity or at least get into the tub quickly. On the other hand, Dean gave him the chance to look him over, so it’s only fair if Cas returns the gesture.
“I like how much muscle you’ve put on,” Dean breaks into his moment of indecision. “You were so thin, I remember that I could count your ribs in the beginning.”
Automatically, Cas’ hand comes up to his ribs. He can feel them when he presses his fingers into his side but all that’s visible is flesh and muscle.
“Does it feel better, too?”
There is no question about it, and Cas is pretty sure Dean knows that, so what Dean’s doing is trying to put him at ease by not commenting on any of Cas’ other features that are visible right now.
Cas swallows hard but he moves a few steps towards Dean. It brings him in easy grabbing range. But instead of waiting to see whether Dean will grab him, Cas pushes the final step forward, pushing Dean’s knees apart to come to stand in between them. Like this, he is taller than Dean, Dean blinking up at him, his green eyes clear as crystal again, none of the glassy redness of the fever lingering.
“Whatcha doing, Cas?” Dean asks, voice low.
Cas cards a hand through Dean’s hair, parting the wet strands. Then he puts the hand on Dean’s cheek and leans down to softly kiss him. Dean’s hands come up then, finding Cas’ hips and holding on. And if there is a point to prove, this is it and Cas has proven it. Because Dean’s hands stay where they are and when Cas breaks their kiss, Dean’s eyes immediately lock with his.
“If you feel good enough for it, would you like to, umm?” Cas vaguely gestures at the washcloth. He isn’t entirely sure whether this proposal is appropriate for many reasons. Obviously, the one helping with a bath is usually a person of lower status. But then, Cas has heard the stories of what rich people get up to in their large baths, and also, he’s offering Dean a chance to touch and to let his hands roam freely. Even if it is with a washcloth. So it’s not like he’s asking Dean to do menial work.
“Are you sure?” Dean asks.
“You’ll stop if I ask you to?”
“Of course.”
“Then yes, I’m sure,” Cas nods. There is no resistance from Dean when Cas turns around to climb into the tub, Dean’s hands sliding off of Cas’ sides..
The water isn’t as hot anymore as it had been, but it is still pleasant and warm, and if Dean’s bath in the snow had had one advantage, it’s that most of the grime and dirt had been scrubbed off before the fever, meaning that the water is still somewhere on the side of clean.
Cas dunks his head under for a moment, coming back up sputtering but resisting the urge to shake himself like a wet dog and instead splashing water over his knees where they stick out.
Dean grins as he comes closer. In opposition to Cas he brings one of the pillows from the bed to throw on the floor and sit on. It probably is significantly more comfortable than kneeling, but the possibility hadn’t even occurred to Cas.
“You’re almost as tall as me. Didn’t think about it but of course you have to fight the tub like the rest of us tall ones,” Dean smiles and sits down cross-legged. He puts his arms on the side of the tub, laying his chin onto them. It makes his grin look younger and more mischievous.
Cas shakes his head, though a smile is also playing around his lips. “I have no intentions of fighting this tub. I plan on enjoying the bath thoroughly,” he informs Dean.
“Is that so?” Dean smirks. “Then I better get to work, huh?” He dunks the washcloth in the water and lightly runs it over Cas’ shoulders.
It makes him shudder.
“You’ll tell me if something feels bad?” Dean asks.
“I will,” Cas affirms before letting his shoulders drop forward and his eyes closed. He gets it now, why Dean relaxed so thoroughly under Cas’ ministrations. It feels exceptionally good to have Dean scrub his back, the texture of the cloth just on the right side of rough but the movements gentle.
“You sure you’re not a cat, Cas? I swear, I can hear you purring.”
“I’m reasonably sure that that’s your fever making you hear things.”
The sass startles Dean into a beautiful belly-laugh that is almost enough for Cas to forgive that Dean stops scrubbing until he’s laughed himself out. He makes up for it by pressing a quick kiss into Cas’ shoulder, the contact gone as soon as it came. If he hadn’t opened his eyes because Dean laughing is always a sight Cas enjoys, he would have thought he’d imagined it.
“Dean?” Cas bites his lip. “Can I ask you something?”
Immediately, Dean retreats, sensing Cas’ anxiety about the question probably.
“Don’t. You can keep going,” Cas gestures at the washcloth, splashing some water on the wood floor in the process. “If you want to, that is.”
Dean nods and leans back in, but the laughter is gone. “What is it, Cas?”
Cas clears his throat, looking at his hands and legs under the water, anything to avoid Dean’s gaze. “You’ve - you’ve been with - people before.” It isn’t really a question, Cas knows the answer even if they’ve never talked about it.
Dean’s motion stutters, coming to a halt near Cas’ shoulder blade. “Are you asking whether I’ve slept with someone before?”
“I, umm, yes?” It’s easier to go along than to ask who it was that Dean’s been with.
“Yeah, Cas, I have. Does that upset you?”
Cas wants to shake his head no, but somehow all that happens is that his mouth opens. “Uhhh…”, he says unintelligently because there’s hot and cold jealousy gnawing at his stomach that he knows makes no logical sense.
“No other Omega. Ever,” Dean hurries to assure. “I never raped anyone, Cas. You gotta believe that.”
And that’s not even a thought that had crossed Cas’ mind. Still, “I’m the only Omega?”
“Yes,” Dean nods.
“So then…?”
“Betas mostly. Do you want me to tell you about it?” Dean asks carefully.
Cas nods, because yes, he wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t want to know.
“It wasn’t - anywhere close to what we have. It was never meant to be, either. Touching felt good and it was nice to spend some cold winter nights with the heat of another person.”
“Was - Jo one of them?” Cas asks, finally getting up the courage to ask the question that was burning at the back of his mind.
“What, Jo?” Dean reels back like he’s physically taken aback. “No, man, no. Jo’s like my little sister. That would be so fucking weird.”
“There’s a good chance that she is a fertile Beta,” Cas points out, even though he’s not sure he should. Maybe Dean has never thought about it. And since they’re already like family, it would be easy to merge that into the pack.
“Dude, that’s like thinking about kissing my brother,” Dean shakes himself. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love her like I love my brother, and if she ever finds someone who she wants to try the pup thing out with, I’m gonna be the first one to bite anyone’s head off who gives her shit for it. But yeah, Jo and me, never a thing.”
Cas rather doesn’t want to admit how much that relieves him. “Who then?”
Dean shrugs. “A few people over the years. Kinda not from the pack all that often. ‘S easier that way when you don’t have any plans of making it a regular habit.”
“But someone from the pack?”
Dean sighs. “Don’t hold this against him, please. It was an eternity ago when we were both almost kids still. But yeah, Benny, once upon a time.”
“Benny?” Cas hadn’t expected that. Usually, Alphas don’t go for male Betas, their bodies too hard, with too many edges, and their biology not built to take a knot.
“Benny,” Dean confirms. “He’s a good guy.”
Cas hasn’t doubted that. “Was it easier?” he asks.
“Hmm?” Dean raises a questioning eyebrow at him.
“Though really, it must have been," Cas averts his eyes again, wringing his hands together under the water. “Easier.” Benny’s an easy-going guy with an open laugh, who’s not afraid to state his opinion, but who’s also not hesitant to submit to Dean when necessary. Touches with him would be simple. Not like with Cas, who never knows when getting closer will lead to his body and mind freezing up.
“Probably not what you want to hear, but yeah, in a way it was easier.”
Cas hangs his head and nods quietly. He had known that, after all.
“It’s not the reason you think, though. I mean, I’m goddamned pissed at everyone who ever hurt you. But you’ve got no idea how happy it makes me whenever you trust me, even if it’s just with something small. So yeah, when I say I don’t mind going slow, I mean it. But Cas,” Dean puts a hand on Cas’ arm after all, prompting him to look back up.
Cas does it, too, even if his eyes want to flit away from Dean’s face.
“What makes this harder is this.” Dean takes Cas’ hand out of the water and splays Cas' wet fingers over his tunic where Cas can feel his heartbeat. “My heart never hurt when Benny was gone from my side. It also was never elated when he wanted me close. It never beat harder just because he was looking at me. My heart does all of those things for you. And many more that I don’t have the words to describe. Cas, that this is harder does not mean it’s not worth it. It means the exact opposite. There’s never been anyone in my life who I’ve felt for what I feel for you. Who I’ve wanted to be close to the way I want to be close to you. It’s just you, Cas.”
Cas’ eyes still don’t want to hold Dean’s gaze, but Dean doesn’t have to hold on to keep Cas’ hand over his heart, Cas searches out the contact on his own. “It’s just you for me, too,” he whispers, and he hasn’t even wished for it yet when Dean’s arms already surround him, drawing him into a hug that is all comfort.
“You’ll get yourself wet again.”
Dean chuckles. “‘S okay, Cas. It’s nice and warm in here, I’ll live.”
Cas harrumphs. “It’s you who told me that mere survival isn’t the right target to live your life by.”
“Yeah, okay, touché,” Dean admits, still laughing a little before he abruptly turns serious again. “Cas, can I ask you something as well?”
“Of course, Dean.”
“What about you? Have you ever wanted someone else’s touch? Have you lain with someone out of your own free will?”
For all that he knows how much it means to Dean that Cas doesn’t just comply with his wishes but actually wants their touches, Cas still doesn’t expect the question. “I told you about my heats,” he mutters, feeling his ears burning with shame.
“I’m not sure I’d count it as free will when you have to rely on an asshole because that’s the only way to make the pain stop.”
It is that, of course it is that, but it’s also, “There is a deep need. A craving that makes you want to scratch at your own skin until you're bleeding if it isn’t satisfied. I hate it.”
“Yeah, it seems to me like that’s definitely not counting as wanting to lie with someone. When you want to lie with someone, it’s more like - you like that particular person and want to know what it feels like to be touched by them. You want to make them feel good and them to make you feel good in return.”
Cas grimaces. “There’s not much capacity to think about how you make someone else feel during heat. I can’t promise you…”
“I know. I know that you can’t promise. But we’re still us. Even with you in a heat and me in a rut, we’re still us. It’s gonna be different. We’ll
make
it different.”
And that would be nice, actually, so Cas doesn’t disagree. “I hope that you are right,” he smiles, if tiredly.
“I am. I’m almost sure of it,” Dean gives him a half-smile in return. “Can’t tell you why. ‘S not like I’ve ever helped anyone through a heat before. But it just feels right. Like no matter what, I can always trust in us. That we’ll find a way.”
Now Cas doesn’t necessarily believe that that is possible, but, “I want that, too. Very much so.”
“Then we’ll make it happen,” Dean nods determinedly. “But first, we’ll get you clean and get you out of this water before you turn into a fish.”
Like Dean, Cas ends up scrubbing all of the more private parts of his body himself. But something still feels different than before. Because Cas was naked, his ass on definite display when climbing into and out of the tub, and he didn’t stop existing. Logically, of course he’s known that before. That a layer of clothes does not make you any more or less of a person. But logic is a fragile thing where Alphas are involved. Then of course,
Alphas
haven’t been involved, Dean has. He hasn’t become a random faceless Alpha, either. Instead, Dean tossed him a pair of his own spare linens, old and well-worn but clean, and they’d joked and the look in Dean’s eyes had been soft throughout it all.
Consequently, when Dean wants to exchange his now wet tunic against his own linens, Cas puts a hand on his arm to stop him. “You don’t have to.”
“Hmm?”
“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. Wear linens. It’s warm in here, they’re not exactly needed.”
“Cas…” Dean seems at a loss for words.
“I don’t mind it, Dean. I really don’t.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” Cas nods.
“Would you rather I not touch you then? Cause Cas, if we wake up tomorrow morning and feel rested, if we start kissing and touching then, I can’t promise you…”
“That you won’t become aroused. I know. As you’ve told me more than once, it is the whole idea behind these kind of touches between us to feel good.”
“For both of us. That’s a kind of important caveat," Dean points out.
“I’m aware of that as well,” Cas answers drily.
Dean watches him for a long moment, trying to find signs of discomfort or that Cas is doing this to appease him, Cas is sure. But it isn't that.
"You didn't want it to be a chore. Me touching you. So give me the chance to try it without any obligation."
"You really want that?" Dean asks, eyes wide.
Surprisingly, the answer is actually yes. Cas wants to explore all the freckles that are usually hidden. And seeing how Dean had reacted before, how Cas' touch had made such a difference, he is curious about what other reactions he can get from Dean. "Can we concentrate on me touching you for now? I'd like to - learn. But if you surprise me I..."
"I know," Dean answers. "Predictability makes you feel safe. If I touch you without advance warning, it'll feel unsafe. I promise I won't. Not without asking or unless you say that you want me to." He thinks for a moment. "Would it maybe be okay, though, if I touched you in places that we also touch outside of this room?" Dean blushes a little. "I might end up wanting to hold your hand or something."
He says it like it's embarrassing but it's not that to Cas. In fact, it makes his heart sing. Because the thing Dean is asking for in return to Cas' stipulations is a
connection
. And Cas can grant him that. Quite easily. Because whatever else, this, he is sure about: He wants that connection as well.
“Yes, Dean,” Cas nods, shy smile on his face as he intertwines his fingers with Dean’s. “That’s something you’ll never have to ask about.” He draws Dean closer, prompting him to wrap his arms around Cas, their chests skin to skin. It feels nice. Up until the moment when Dean wobbles, anyway. “You need to get to bed,” Cas states the obvious. “You’ve been up too long.”
“Hmpf,” Dean pouts.
“The fact that you don’t want to, makes no difference to the principal of things.” Cas winds himself out of their embrace, but leaves their hands connected. “Come on.” He tugs Dean back over to their den. “Drink something before you fall asleep.” He hands him his half-empty mug.
Dean drains it obediently but the exhaustion is palpable now that he is back in bed. “Stay with me?” he asks, words already a bit slurred.
“Of course I will,” Cas smiles and climbs into bed as well. Truth to be told, he’s tired as well. He didn’t exactly sleep well with Dean sick next to him. So a nap seems like a good idea, even though he fully plans on getting up again before it’s actually time to sleep through the night, to at least empty the tub and clean up the mess they’ve made. But after the nap. Just a little rest to get his energy back.
So he snuggles into Dean, their roles reversed again, not Dean clinging and Cas protecting, but Dean keeping Cas safe, his shoulder a comfortable pillow.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Cas does not wake back up before bed time. In fact, both he and Dean sleep until Missouri shakes them awake in the morning.
“Sleep is important, but so is breakfast. You are both going to leave this room today.” She has her hands on her hips, looking at them with a frown that Cas is not sure whether it’s for emphasis or whether they have actually managed to displease her. “Come on, get up, I’m waiting.”
“Missouri,” Dean groans and covers himself thoroughly with their fur. “Some privacy?”
“I’ve known you from before you were even presented,” she huffs. “You’ll have a hard time shocking me.” But she turns to go. “Breakfast is ready. Come out, eat it with your pack, Dean. They need to see that you are well.”
Said like that, it makes sense of course. Still, “If they’re waiting for us, we need to hurry to get dressed and can’t try out more things.” Cas mutters it quietly at Dean, not sure that Missouri is out of earshot already.
It makes Dean smile even as he stretches, obviously preparing to start the day. “Do I detect a note of regret?”
Cas doesn’t make the effort of denying it or the effort of looking away from the way all the lines in Dean's body shift and straighten with the stretch that kicks the furs right back off of him. “I wanted to,” he says honestly.
Dean assesses him with a long look, his eyes more intense than normal. It’s less like figuring out whether Cas means it and more like he's maybe imagining all the things they could have tried out with Dean naked. Maybe Dean’s even imagining how it would have made him feel. Cas blushes a little just thinking about Dean thinking about it.
“What would you have wanted to - wait, no. Better don’t tell me. I’ll want to try it all immediately if you do.” Dean sighs, looking crestfallen now, as if going through the possibilities in his mind has only now made him aware of the loss of them.
“We’ll still be here later,” Cas offers, weak as it may be as a comfort.
"Yeah," Dean nods. " You're right. We will be. It feels a bit weird, doesn't it? Being in one place for so long. A whole winter. I mean, I know it's good fortune and a kindness of Jody that she lets us stay but..."
Cas frowns. "Do you fear trouble?"
"No more than I always do. But it makes me itchy, sitting still for so long."
"I wouldn't worry too much about it. Jody will put you to work plenty once Missouri clears you to go outside. There will not be much sitting around," Cas counters.
For a moment, Dean looks taken aback like he had not expected the sassy answer. Then he grins. "Heh. I guess that's true. And since I'm obviously not to be trusted on my own in the snow, you'll just have to keep me company. Whenever you're not working on your letters or your stitching, that is."
Cas smiles. "I will," he promises. Then his face falls. "Whenever I can."
Dean's eyebrows rise. "You talking about your heat? Cause I thought we had agreed that I was going to stay with you during that time. Has that changed?"
"No, no," Cas quickly shakes his head. "That is unchanged. I was actually thinking about-," he fidgets as he can feel the blood rise to his head. "It's silly."
"Tell me," Dean demands.
"I was thinking - when you go buy the yarn for our blanket. I was thinking how nice it would be if we could select it together." He gives Dean a quick appeasing smile. "I know that it’s not a sensible idea. And I have no desire to see the Omega-part of any market. It's just…"
"That it is for the both of us. You don't want to be left out."
Cas nods unhappily.
"This wish would indeed be easier to fulfill anywhere but here. Anywhere where we'd leave again soon after the trade. Or even better at Angels' Nest, where we'd be sure no one will try to hurt you or claim you for themselves."
"My papers bear your name."
“My own pack suggested that I steal you, Cas. Those papers can be forged. We both know that they are an imperfect claim.”
That is undoubtedly true. But, "I wouldn't make it easy for them. I'd fight my way back to you."
"No!" Dean is immediately alarmed. "You are
not
to risk your life, understand? If that ever happens - and I'll try to make damn sure that it doesn't - you wait until we've found you. You wait for backup. Only then do you fight. Is that clear?"
It's an Alpha command but the agitation in Dean's voice almost cancels out its effects. “There is no need for agitation. My life is not in any danger,” Cas frowns. “You’ve protected me well from the very first moment I belonged to you. I trust you with my life and will do whatever you consider safest.”
It still takes a moment before Dean’s harsh breathing calms back down. Before he closes his eyes and takes a few intentional slow breaths. The command is gone from his voice when he starts up again. “Forgive me, please.”
Cas shakes his head. “There is nothing to forgive. You are worried about my safety. I will do what I can to not compound those fears.”
“No, Cas, no,” Dean comes a step closer, half dressed now, tunic still in hand. “I mean I’ll beg you not to risk your life if I have to, but otherwise, I’m well aware that our lives do not lend themselves to security. I’ll deal with my fears. It’s not your task to assuage them.” He smiles weakly. “Though I will admit that I wish there was a way to grant your wish without compromising your and our safety.”
“Well, there is one thing…” Cas starts but he stops again, the proposal spur of the moment and not one that he’s thought through.
Dean raises his eyebrows at him.
Cas swallows but he looks up at Dean when he says, “There’s a claim that can’t be forged or ignored. Or so the stories say at least. And whenever he encountered one of those, even Master Crowley left well enough alone.”
Dean’s eyes turn wide when he gets Cas' meaning. “A mating bite? Is that what you are talking about?”
Cas nods. Of course the bites he's encountered had little to do with the romantic tales of old where the bite like the handfasting signified a bond between mates. The ones he's seen were little more than what he's just said: a claim that's more permanent than paper ever could be. Oh, he's sure the bites were given only to favorites. To those their master didn't plan to ever sell on. But he doubts that any of the "favorites" had a say in whether they wanted to be a favorite. Whether they wanted their skin scarred by a permanent reminder of their owner.
But then.
He and Dean don't portray who they are when they travel the cities, either. Can't. Not unless they want to risk undue attention or even altercations with the law or godly folks who insist that it's against the natural order if Omegas aren't being punished for their sin of existing.
As bleak as that is, there's also the possibility that maybe -
maybe
- there are others like Dean and him. Alphas and Omegas who don't fit societal expectations. Couples who love each other despite the odds. It's a strange thought but it doesn't seem as far out there as it once would have.
"It meant more in the stories than it does now," Cas says. "A claim, yes. But also a sign of belonging. Of not wanting to be apart. The stories make it sound like -," Like it makes an intangible bond physical. Like it's a connection that can never get lost. "Like love," he finishes lamely.
That makes Dean smile, though it is a small thing, his face uncertain. "Is that why you are considering it? Love?"
Cas nods, quiet because he's not sure what to make of Dean's tone.
"Can you give me some time to think about it before I answer? I've never before entertained the thought."
"Why?" Cas asks because even though it's an unusual means, it has practical advantages as Cas has pointed out. And Dean is nothing if not practical.
"I've been bitten by an actual wolf before. It hurts. I can't imagine being bitten by one of the human kind is any more fun. It feels like a violation to me and I don't want to hurt you, Cas."
And Cas knows that but, "The stories describe it differently. A hurt at first, yes, but also bliss and euphoria."
"And then a lifetime of being bound to one person," Dean points out. He shakes his head. "I'm not sure I trust the stories on this. Do you mind if I ask Missouri's opinion? If you want to keep this just between us, that's fine, too."
"I don't mind," Cas shakes his head because Dean is right, if anyone knows anything concrete about this, it'll be Missouri. "Let me know what she says?"
"Of course," Dean nods and sighs deeply. "Ready for breakfast?"
"Yes," Cas confirms, unsure what to do with the tug in his heart. It was nice, having Dean all to himself for a few days, no pack business to keep him occupied.
Missouri was right, though. He notices it the moment they go out. Where he had been pelted with questions about Dean's health every time before, everyone's cheering now. They're loud and obnoxious about it, an explosion of noise and slaps on the back that gets to Dean almost immediately, a steep line appearing on his forehead. Cas puts himself between Dean and the others then, bodily shielding him while leading him to the couch and depositing him there.
Sam follows them, having been outside but close enough to hear the ruckus apparently.
"Stay here?" Cas asks him and when Sam nods, "I'll go get Dean some breakfast. Do you want something, too?"
Sam shakes his head. "I've been up for a bit. Been checking on the progress with the roof. It's started snowing heavier, we're gonna have to try our luck from the inside. It's too dangerous to have anyone work outside."
He says the last sentences to Dean already, who looks relieved that the attention is off of him and on their tasks for now. "How far did you get?"
Cas doesn't hear the answer, the background noise of the room taking over when he goes over to Missouri.
"I have bread and cheese and some meat and a couple of winter apples for him. It'll do him good, eating something that he actually has to chew," is what Missouri greets him with.
"I'll bring it to him," Cas nods and goes to retrieve his own bowl to get some stew for himself.
Missouri stops him with a hand on his arm. "There's enough for you, too."
Cas looks at the plate in front of Missouri. It does look like enough for two people. It also looks like the best pieces of everything. The kind of meal that is normal for the pack in a good summer but rare in winter, when stews and soups and everything that can be stretched are the preferred fare.
"I don't need it," Cas shakes his head.
"Everyone can need it," Missouri answers but though her voice stays soft, the look she gives him makes Cas shudder. Like she knows he specifically is going to need this.
"I don't have much time, do I?" He asks, keeping his voice low enough that it won't carry. "Before I’ll..."
He can't bring himself to say it but it doesn't surprise him when she understands and nods. He's felt it, too, though the changes are subtle still.
He goes another step closer to her. "I have a request to make then. Will you give me the other tea this time? The one that will make me - not conceive?" He whispers the last words, afraid of her reaction even though his logical sense tells him that he doesn't need to be.
"Dean's gonna stay with you?"
Cas nods.
"It's not failsafe. That tea."
"I don't think," Cas clears his throat when his voice breaks. "I don't think Dean would mind too much."
"And you?"
"I - I don't think I would mind so much either. It's just…"
"That Dean and you are only at the beginning?" She gives him an understanding smile.
"I've barely found myself." He whispers it so quietly that he's not sure that even Missouri hears him but she nods anyway.
"I understand. I'll have the tea ready when it's needed."
He smiles at her, though it's a fleeting unsure thing, the topic still not one he enjoys. "Thank you."
She smiles back at him. "You wouldn't have proposed this to Dean had you not been certain of my answer. And now go, have breakfast."
She puts the plate in his hands and sends him off. He wonders how she had known that the proposal had come from him and not from Dean, but he doesn’t ask. Some things, she just knows, and she never explains it.
There is a veritable group gathered around Dean by now, chairs having been dragged closer. Benny is sitting opposite Dean, Jo next to Benny. Charlie has claimed the place next to Dean on the side where Sam isn’t sitting, and the Mills-Hanscum pups are watching from further back together with a few other members of their pack. Ellen is not here, but then, she has avoided the main house as far as possible ever since they came here. Probably because of Jody who is standing towards the back as well, her expression sour enough that Cas isn't sure it's on purpose that she’s so far back. Maybe everyone else just swarmed faster and she has to wait her turn now. She wouldn't be used to that.
Benny notices him first, alert as always, and makes space for him to come through with the food. Cas regards him with renewed interest, watching his face for any signs that would show what Dean has told him about their past. But Benny wears the same expression as always, mostly stoically matter-of-fact but with a warm fondness around his eyes whenever he looks at someone he likes. Cas has always done his best to ignore it, not comfortable with any interest directed towards him, but even he knows that it's been a long time since there was anything harsh in Benny's gaze when it was directed at him.
So no, it doesn't feel like Benny's holding any grudges or like he wants to rekindle what was once between Dean and him. Cas smiles back at Benny then, maybe even a little more than he normally would, seeing that Benny’s eyebrow shoots up in surprise.
Cas quickly turns away, turning his attention to the table and to Dean. Dean is framed on both sides, the couch just large enough to hold the people on it. So Cas puts the plate down on the table in front of Dean, prepared to either fall back and eat later or see whether there’s a piece of floor free from boots where he can kneel.
But a hand on his arm stops him. It isn’t Dean’s. It’s Charlie, who winks at him before getting up and offering him his place, before immediately urging Jo to scoot, making a tiny bit of space on her already small chair for Charlie to perch on.
Since Sam is still talking, bringing Dean up to speed, Cas mouths “thank you” at Charlie, who answers with a grin and a shrug.
Cas can feel it, how Dean’s body rearranges itself the moment Cas sits down. How he sighs a deep breath and relaxes towards Cas. Cas instinctively sits a little closer, letting their shoulders brush. He’s heard everything about the roof and about the provisions and about the food for the horses already, so instead, he monitors how much Dean eats, and makes sure to urge him on when he gets too distracted by the conversation.
Of course Dean urges him to eat every time that happens as well, so it doesn’t take long before he feels nicely full. He doesn’t think he remembers a single time in his life, when he’s felt as little hunger as he does in Dean’s pack. And it’s good food, too, the cheese hearty and the meat never spoilt.
“There is one other matter, Dean, though I don’t think we need everyone to listen in to this,” Jody interrupts the conversation when the talks begin to wind down. “I’d request the young Harvelle to stay, though.”
Dean looks tired already, the long talks having taken much out of him after his sickness, but he’s immediately alert. “Jo and Sam, you stay, everyone else, you’ve seen that I’m up and about. Go. Yes, you too, Benny,” he adds before Benny has even opened his mouth to object. “I’m fine. And we’re safe here. Jody wouldn’t break the laws of hospitality. Go.”
“What about me?” Cas asks quietly.
“Oh, for God’s sake, stay,” Jody grumbles and gets herself one of the newly vacated chairs. “It’s not like you two aren’t attached at the - everything anyway.”
The grumpy behavior is almost like normal, but now that he’s focused on her, Cas sees why Dean is alert and also why Benny wanted to stay. Jody is tense to the point where he can see every muscle in her forearm move when she flexes her hand.
“If my pack has done anything to offend you, while I was sick….”
“Tell him,” Jody turns to Jo.
“Look, I didn’t mean…”
“Tell. Him.”
If he didn’t know any better, Cas would say, Jo actually looks a little scared, though her tone when she answers is petulant. “He didn’t put me up to it or anything, y’know.”
“Jo, what did you do?” Dean asks, tone worried.
Jo grimaces but she looks at Dean and answers, “Went snooping a bit more. Thought there had to be a reason why they kept us out of that perfectly useful side-building we found that first day. You know, the one with the…,” she side-eyes Jody and breaks off.
“The one with the inks and paper,” Dean finishes when she doesn’t. “Last I checked it was not a crime to own books and those.”
“Uhh,” Jo scratches her neck. “That was before I found the rest of the stuff.”
“Rest of the stuff?” Dean asks.
“‘S hardly my fault that you all insisted I learn to read!” Jo bitches. “Wouldn’t even have known the difference otherwise.” She turns a shade of red, though, that Cas is not used to seeing on her.
“What did she find?” Dean turns back to Jody.
“Our printing press,” Jody says matter-of-factly. “And some of our prints.”
“Things she should not have seen?”
“Our prints are of a - rather political nature.”
Jo puts a hand in the pocket of her trousers and hands a crinkled piece of paper to Dean.
“You
stole
one?” Jody’s gaze increases to thunderous.
Jo still looks slightly cowed, but she shrugs. “He’s the boss of me, you’re not. He needs to know about this.”
“I agree. I do,” Dean says when he looks up from the document. “This is dangerous, Jody.”
She huffs. “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“How long have you…?”
“Long enough. And this,” she nods at the paper, “isn’t even the half of it.”
“But this is…”
“A decision that’s mine and my household's. It has nothing to do with you, Dean Winchester.”
“The pups? They know?”
“How do you think they got here?”
“You know that they’d call it treason, if…”
“Yes, Dean. I’m well aware.” Jody sighs, like she’s suddenly exhausted. “You need not have any part in this. I believe it possible for us to coexist for a winter. I would never have let you stay if I didn’t. But I need to know what you intend to do about this, so that I can take the necessary precautions.”
“Sending your children away.”
“They are aware that it is likely that this day may come. So are Donna and I.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. None of us know how long their children will share their lives. I of all people should be the person who knows this.”
“I’m sorry about that, too.”
She nods, her face suddenly less harsh. “I would give a lot to undo that day. But it is as it is, and what happened was not your fault, Dean. If it hadn’t been for you, I’d have died that day as well.” Her eyes are somber but her poise is almost regal when she goes on. “There were days when I wished that that would have been my fate. When I wished that you had never existed. But not anymore. I have found purpose now. And every day my family reminds me that there is good in the world. It’s all I can wish for.”
Dean looks down at the paper in his hands again, reading it for the second time.
“Dean, I found more than this,” Jo says, her expression grim. “Didn’t get to bring proof but I swear it was there.”
“What?” Dean asks.
“Seals. Like official ones. From at least three different houses of royalty and several city administrations. The type you put on official papers.”
“So political pamphlets isn’t all you’re printing, you’re forging documents, too?” Dean turns back to Jody.
“The
pamphlets
are mostly educational in nature, not political. We try to get them to as many Wise Ones as we can.”
“Forgery, Jody,” Dean insists.
Jody takes a deep breath. “Not often. Only when it’s necessary because there is no other way.”
“No other way to do what?” Cas asks, the question coming unbidden.
“To help,” Jody bites.
For a moment, they are all silent. Then Cas says, “Do I want to ask where Claire was before she came here?”
“No,” Jody shakes her head. “You probably don’t. With any of them, actually, though Claire would probably be the one in most similar a situation than I gather you once found yourself in.”
Cas says nothing, his stomach filling with a cold ball of dread like it always does when he thinks of the young pups first sold to someone. There’s something new, too, though, something hot and alive. Anger, he figures out after a moment. White-hot anger at the unfairness of it all.
Dean takes his hand, squeezing tight and grounding him in the present. “Are there others?” Dean asks Jody.
She raises her eyebrows. “Others like our pups or others like Donna and me?”
“Both?” Dean hedges.
“Yes,” Jody nods. “But I will not tell you who or where. It’s bad enough that thanks to the Harvelles
I
have to trust you with this now.” She sends a glare in Jo’s direction.
“You can,” Dean assures earnestly. “Trust us with this. All of us. There’s not a single person in my pack who would rat you out.”
That makes both Jo and Sam nod in unison.
“Pretty sure that if it came down to it, all Dean would do is help.” Jo kicks back in her chair, her whole posture much more relaxed now that it doesn't seem like it will come to blows between Jody and Dean. “Same goes for my mom, by the way.”
“Peace, Jo,” Dean interferes.
She huffs. “If you say so, Alpha. Just saying that all of this suspicion and posturing is both annoying and fucking unnecessary.”
“Manners is not a thing either your mother or Dean managed to teach you, huh?” Jody grumbles right back.
Dean pays it no heed. “Sam, can you make sure that the rest of the pack knows that off-limits buildings are off limits? Pretty sure none of them wants to get their asses kicked out in the cold.”
“Hey!” Jo complains. “Unfair! You can’t suddenly expect me to not care for our security anymore! Our security is like literally my job in this pack.”
“I wanna say you could have asked, but then I’m guessing you wouldn’t have gotten an answer,” Dean sighs. “At least ask for permission next time?”
“I promise nothing,” Jo grins. “Seeing how I’ve done my duty and been reprimanded for it, permission to go find better company?”
“Yeah,” Dean nods. “Try not to be an asshole.”
“You got it, boss,” she smirks and jumps up.
Dean rubs a hand over his forehead, suddenly looking three times as tired. “I would offer a formal apology, I’m just not sure how much sense it really makes.”
“Ah, absolutely none and we both know it. For an apology to be sincere, there has to be a sense of wrongdoing and I doubt that there is even the slightest remorse.”
Dean doesn’t negate it. “She takes our pack’s security seriously and I’m glad for it. I was still hoping that we could find a way to trust each other, you and I.”
“Oh Dean…” Jody sighs deeply.
“You
know
Bobby was like a father to me. And you also know that my Dad’s bullshit was never mine.”
“Ask Sam here then. Ask him what he thinks of risking your pack for strangers. In fact, ask him what he thinks of risking your pack by having its pack leader mated. I’d be surprised if you liked the answer.”
Sam turns crimson but all he answers is a shrug. And yeah, Sam’s never kept his opinions hidden.
“Dean,
I understand what you’re saying. But I have a family to protect. You of all people should understand that.”
For a long moment, Cas side-eyes Sam. He isn’t necessarily any surer about him than Jody. But, “I made a deal with Gabriel. Back at Angels’ Nest.”
Immediately, all eyes are on him.
He tries not to grimace even though he still doesn’t cope well with any attention but he brought this one on by himself. “They want to help. But they can’t leave their city. They don’t have -,” he looks up at Dean for a fleeting moment, “any Alphas. So they can’t travel. To find Omegas in need. To bring them up to their city.” He swallows hard and looks back up at Dean when he says, “I can.”
“Cas…”
“I was not planning on bringing it up before it became relevant. I thought maybe…,” he can’t hold Dean’s gaze after all. “Since the whole pack shares the spoils, I thought maybe you would, if I gave you my part, I thought maybe you would buy someone free for me if I had enough coins for it. Some pup, maybe, with their whole life still ahead of them. Or someone who was - who was not gonna make it otherwise.” His voice breaks, so he stops. He’s said more than he wanted to anyway. But if Jody and Donna are involved in helping Omegas, then maybe this is a chance. Maybe he can actually do something to help.
“Well, I guess at least he’s not proposing to steal them and forge their documents,” Sam huffs. “Really bad for business, being hunted.”
“Shut up, Sam,” Dean bites and turns back to Cas.
“Dean, you can’t seriously…”
“Sam!” This time there’s no doubt that Dean’s putting his Alpha behind the word and Sam’s mouth snaps shut. Dean continues softer then. “I know that you’re still worried because I got sick. And that you worry any day of the week anyway. But you will still listen to any proposal a pack member makes without derision. You’ll give it thought and if you have an argument to make, you’ll argue the case
without
snide remarks.”
Sam looks anything but happy but he nods. “Sorry, Dean. Sorry, Cas.”
Dean nods, too, apparently satisfied with the apology. He turns back to Cas again. He doesn’t even have to ask.
“Dean, it’s not - I didn’t keep this from you because I was afraid. It’s just - it’s winter, and there were so many things that needed to be done. And this is not something that I could make happen, not for a while.”
“It never even occurred to you, did it? That what Jo said would have been the truth here as well. That we would have helped. That
I
would have helped.”
“Dean, I didn’t mean…”
“No, no, of course you didn’t,” Dean is quick to assure.
But the way he holds himself strictly upright, fighting his exhaustion into a stiff posture shows that everything is still wrong.
“Let’s go, Sam.” Jody has worried eyes but she gets up from her chair and slaps Sam on the back. “Up you go.”
“Wait, what, no.” But Sam lets himself be dragged upwards.
“They’ll come back in as soon as they see we’re not discussing anymore. If you want privacy, you have a room,” Jody informs them and then she marches Sam outside.
It’s deadly quiet for a moment. Even the fire in the hearth seems to hold its breath.
“I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t want this.”
“I try so hard, Cas. I don’t know what else to do.”
“That’s cause you’re doing great! You’re doing everything!” He grabs Dean’s arm, wanting to shake him into understanding. “You have to believe me.”
“I’m just - tired. I’m sorry.”
“No, no, you have nothing to apologize for. I shouldn’t have brought this up today. You’re still recovering. Let me help you to bed?” Cas holds out his hand but Dean doesn’t take it.
“I can do that much by myself, Cas.”
It gives Cas a twinge in his heart. “Yes, of course. I didn’t mean to impose.”
So he walks half a step back from Dean, a hand ready should Dean stumble, but otherwise quiet and letting Dean set the pace. Judging by his slow steps, Dean is in fact exhausted, more so than he had let on with the others present. Another apology wants to steal its way onto his lips, but he swallows it back down. It wouldn’t do any good.
It’s almost laughable how that is one of the few things that haven’t changed. His former Masters punished whether an apology was given or not. Dean never punishes, but he assumes any apology by Cas is given out of fear, rather than out of actually having done something wrong and being sorry for it. So he dismisses them outright. So the apologies help no more now than they did then.
He steps next to Dean once they’re inside their small room, not asking this time, just helping Dean to get rid of his outer clothes. It is necessary, too, Dean’s movements sluggish. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t protest.
“Dean,” Cas calls his attention to him once the shirt and pants are stripped off. “It wasn’t right of me to keep this from you, and it was even less right to bring it up while Jody and Sam were there. I should have run it by you first instead of surprising you. That’s why I’m apologizing. Not because I think I have to appease an upset Alpha.”
“‘S just.” Dean lets himself fall heavily on the bed, groaning in relief when he can lie down. But his eyes find their way back to Cas. “‘S just that I really thought I had gotten through to you on that.” His eyes flutter, closing against his will it seems.
“Sleep, Dean. We can talk about this later. I’ll be here.”
Cas is not sleepy, though. In fact, he’s quite restless. He never likes altercations with Dean, and he has no doubt this was one. He likes it even less when he is the cause for Dean to feel like a failure, and somehow, he has no doubt that he managed that as well. Even though it was not his intention at all.
“Dammit, Dean, you’re a good Alpha,” he whispers and carefully puts the fur over Dean’s torso.
Something crinkles under Dean, so Cas careful extracts it. It’s the piece of paper that Jo had given Dean earlier. He’d carried it all the way over here. Cas moves a bit so that he can get as much light from the window as there is on a grey winter day.
The paper is closely filled with letters. They are different than the ones he knows, straighter somehow and more even. Neither the letters on his papers nor Dean’s maps look like it.
“A printing press,” he mutters. He has a vague image of what the words mean, imagines someone carving the letters he so painstakingly tries to draw and than smearing them with ink before pressing them on paper. He has no idea whether that is in fact what a printing press does or how the machine looks like, but he examines the similarities between the individual letters and finds them almost indistinguishable apart from the occasional darker or lighter tone depending on how much ink was used.
The worse part of course is to try and actually read what the letters say. They are clear enough in their outlines, but Cas has been worrying about Dean in the past few days and had no time or energy to devote to studies.
And there are a lot of big words in this, words that have little place in Castiel's mind even when they are not written down. He gathers enough, though, to understand that the paper explains some laws of the land. Things their lord is supposed to do or not to do when you're a farmer on his lands. Cas is not sure what about it gave Dean that shocked expression. Maybe it's enough to assume that a lord should be bound by the rule of his own law for it to be shocking.
He wonders whether he should ask Jody whether she has one of these dealing with Omegas. Or is it just known that Omegas are the same as cattle, no breath spent on making explicit laws about their status or treatment because the usual rules of trade apply? It's entirely possible, Cas thinks.
Which is a thought that doesn't help any so instead of brooding further over the sheet of paper, he gets up and starts cleaning up their bath water, though he leaves the tub. If his own fever will indeed arrive soon, they may have use for it again. He grimaces at the thought. He's used snow to cool himself down before, hoping that Master Crowley wouldn't notice his state. That did not work and it gave him a sickness worse than Dean's on top of everything else. He's learned his lesson from that experience and has never again attempted to physically cool himself down. But the thought of heat and warm water does not go together either.
He looks over at where Dean is curled up into a ball, snoring softly but otherwise sleeping the deeply peaceful slumber of someone on the mend.
He's not sure how it will be to have Dean with him. Oh, Crowley has given him to Alphas during his heat. Only the ones he wanted to live, he never tested whether Castiel was coordinated enough for anything else during his fevers.
He shudders.
A lot of the worst parts of his heats are blurry and unfocused. But he remembers his own voice begging for a touch that disgusted him.
He puts his arms around his body, suddenly freezing.
"Cas?" The voice is sleep drunk and unfocused. "What happened? Did someone hurt you?" Every word is more alert, the syllables crisper. Even deadly tired and fresh from too short a nap, Dean is ready to protect. "Cas?" There is doubt in Dean's voice now, noting that there is no intruder probably, remembering their fight earlier maybe.
And Cas is ready to defend his actions on that, just not now. "Please don't make me beg."
"What?" Confusion entirely takes over Dean's scent.
"When my fever hits," Cas explains, his breathing too fast, panic still clutching at him. "Please don't make me beg for your touch. Please"
"Why would I…"
"Just - please."
"Cause I would ask your consent? Is that what makes you worry?"
It's not. Or it is. Cas can't even tell, he only knows that consent has little meaning to him in the context of heat, even if it has started making sense to him in every other part of his life. "I asked you to be there. That's permission already. You don't need more."
"Consent can be retracted," Dean points out.
"It won't be. Not during heat. Even if what you do scares me, I will not want you to stop," Cas insists, voice too loud in his own ears, but he somehow has to drown out the rush of blood. “It will make me hurt.”
The effect is instant. Dean’s smell darkens to a color so full of shadow that it should be able to block out the sun. “You think I’ll be like those Alphas at Crowley’s that you’ve told me about. The ones that made you beg just to hurt you.”
The ones that you’ve told me about.
It’s like something gets switched.
From one heartbeat to the other, Cas is back in the room with Dean, not stuck in a room in Crowley’s manor that smells of Alpha aggression and blood.
The past. That’s in the past.
As soon as he has a grip on that, Cas is up and on his way to the bed, because the scent emanating from him is entirely wrong on Dean. Dean is all light and goodness, and Cas doesn’t seem to be able to make him feel like anything but a failure today and he hates it.
So instead of saying even more things that will come out wrong, he throws his arms around Dean and hugs him close.
It takes a few heartbeats, but then Dean reciprocates, drawing Cas close enough that he’s basically sitting on his lap. Cas hides his face in Dean’s neck, pressing a kiss to the pulse point where Dean’s scent is the most concentrated.
“You are the only one, Dean. You are not like anyone else who’s ever touched me. I’d never trust them but I do trust you. Please understand.”
Because he can’t change what has happened to him and he can’t change how his body reacts. And he doesn’t know any more words to tell Dean how much he never expected to trust anyone this much, let alone an Alpha.
Dean nods somewhere at his side, though his scent is still too dark and his voice too rough. “So we’ll wing it. And hope for the best. Okay?”
Cas nods into Dean’s skin. “Okay.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“I have to go out today,” is the first thing Dean says when they wake up in the morning. “Do you want to come with?”
“Huh?” Cas yawns.
“Outside. Jo and Sam are gonna want to update me on the work that got done in the past few days.”
“There’s snow outside,” Cas points out.
“And there will be for several more months,” Dean nods. “But you have winter clothes and I have winter clothes and I’m not sick anymore. Also, I promised you to show you the premises.”
Dean had in fact promised that, though Cas only remembers once Dean says it. “So that Jody lets me walk around without a chaperone.”
Dean snorts. “I’ve got a feeling that if you set your mind to it, Jody wouldn’t have much choice other than to accept it, whether I showed you around or not. But yeah, let’s say it’s for her benefit.”
“I really don’t think I’m the person that needs to be watched to make sure they don’t endanger themselves,” Cas says pointedly.
“Well,” Dean scratches his neck, “I am proposing you come out with me. So you can keep an eye on me?”
"Maybe that’ll make Jody feel lenient towards you. Because you know she'll not be happy about you going out already."
Dean nods. "I know. But she'll have to deal. I won’t interfere with her headship of her household but I will also not let her command me."
Cas raises his eyebrows, surprised.
“What?” Dean asks.
“You’ve never been threatened by her attitude.”
“I’m not threatened,” Dean growls.
“Then why are you defensive?” Cas asks, genuinely puzzled. “Because you were sick? Or because of what I told you and the others yesterday?”
That brings Dean up short. Or anyway, his mouth that was already open for a reply clicks shut again. So maybe Cas has stumbled upon a sore point there.
“Neither of us had the energy to fight this out yesterday,” Cas continues, quieter now but not hesitant like he would have been before Angels’ Nest. “But I want the air clear between us. So if yesterday is still on your mind, I want to talk about it.”
Dean looks him over with narrowed eyes. Which yes, that he would bring this up while Dean was in a bad mood already is unprecedented. But Cas has a feeling that their moods will stay volatile until they’ve resolved this. So instead of giving in, he goes back over to the entrance of their den and sits down.
“I can make a start.” He doesn’t pat the empty space next to him but he leaves enough space that it is clear that he’s inviting Dean to join him. “It was my idea. They tried so hard to convince me to stay, and the whole time I knew that I was not going to do that. And that in itself felt so - wrong somehow. To be offered something so beautiful and turn the gift down. I-, Dean, I’m not sure I have the words to describe the city to you. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen. And the smell! It’s sweet and peaceful, and I’ve never smelled that much content in my entire life.” He knows his voice is showing his awe because he can see the effect in Dean’s face, his features mirroring Cas’, though with a side of pain. “I wish I could show it to you. It is so beautiful.”
“I’d destroy it just by being there.” Dean lets himself fall down next to Cas after all, though the movement is heavy. “My scent would be enough to make the peace disappear.”
“I know.” It fills Cas with a deep sadness suddenly, that there is something wonderful that he will never be able to share with Dean. That there is in fact
anything
that he can't share with Dean. “I still wish I could show you. They have a school where all the children go and learn. And they plant trees and gardens and they’re a hardy people because the mountains are both their friend and their foe, but they also play with their children and they laugh and they play cards at the pub, and no one is afraid. They have guards for the way up, yes, but inside the city? No one looks over their shoulder to see whether they’re being followed. No one hurries to avoid punishment.”
“You could have had that,” Dean says quietly.
“But you can’t,” Cas replies softly.
“No one will punish me for dawdling.”
“Maybe not. But you, too, have to look over your shoulder to see whether we’re being followed. You have to make sure there is food and shelter. There is always the weight of the world on your shoulders.”
Dean doesn’t answer anything and Cas doesn’t really expect him to.
“You accept your role in life the same as I have always accepted mine. You have decided that it is better not to think about it, when you can’t change what fate has dealt you. Am I right?” Cas gives him a small smile but he doesn’t wait for Dean to answer. “Only, you gave me that choice. Fate didn’t deal me anything that day. I chose my own path. And it felt powerful.
I
felt powerful.” Even the memory of it makes his chest expand. "Like I could do anything I set my mind to."
"And your first thought was saving children?" There is warmth in Dean’s voice now, like it’s not a choice he would have expected but like he holds it dear anyway.
"It felt utterly possible at that moment. I mean, I knew that you would have to do the actual buying, but I was going to use my share of the pack's spoils for it and I would bring the children up to Angels’ Nest and - I would be doing something good. I'd have a purpose beyond existing."
"You have value just being you," Dean frowns.
"So do you. But you still lead a pack. You have a purpose beyond existing. And while it adds weight to your shoulders, it also adds pride. Fulfillment. Happiness. I've seen it."
Dean nods slowly. "I think I understand. A little at least. So that's why you kept it to yourself? Because you want it to be your purpose and yours alone?"
Cas smiles somewhat sheepishly. "That was not entirely smart of me, was it? And more than a little selfish."
Dean shrugs. "It’s your choice, Cas. We'll help as little or as much as you want us to. But in my experience, you can reach a lot more when a pack works together. ‘S for a reason that that’s how we usually handle things."
"I have - a ways to go there," Cas admits. "They offer their help freely but asking them…" He shakes his head.
"They'd help. Gleefully, if I know them at all."
“They weren’t gleeful when you bought me,” Cas points out.
Dean snorts. “Because I kept them from performing any heroics. And because you didn’t play ball.” He nudges Cas, who frowns in confusion before he understands.
“Because they expected me to be happy that you’d freed me.”
“Yeah,” Dean nods.
“And I didn’t even understand.”
“Yeah,” Dean agrees again.
“It didn’t mean that I wasn’t happy.”
Dean smiles a small fond smile. “I know. But I was the only one who could draw a smile from you every so often. The only one you’d communicate with a little at least. They had no way of knowing you appreciated them and your surroundings.”
Cas swallows carefully. He hadn’t appreciated them, not really. Not beyond them leaving him alone. “I’ll make it up to them. Some day.”
“You don’t have to,” Dean shakes his head. “They already love you. Maybe not quite the same way I do, but it’s love nonetheless.”
Cas looks at Dean, then averts his eyes again, his hands fiddling with the fabric of his pants. “I still have that red ribbon.”
Dean looks at him, trying to draw his eye. Cas manages to resist for a few breaths, but his body decides for him, his eyes flitting upwards and locking with Dean’s before he consciously decides it.
“Do you want to marry me, Cas?”
“I -,” Cas rips his eyes away from Dean’s after all. “It’s no more than a fairytale. No one even remembers the rites.”
“Hmm,” Dean weighs his head thoughtfully. “I wouldn’t be quite so sure. The old Gods and the old rites have been pushed out of sight, but that doesn’t mean they don’t still exist. I’m pretty sure Jody could round up a priest who adheres to the old traditions. Though depending on where she finds him, it might be spring until they get through to us.”
Cas blinks. Dean has thought about this. For some reason, he hadn't actually expected that. “I don’t even - what do the rites entail? Apart from the literal handfasting.”
Dean shrugs. “Pretty sure we can find out. I mean, you have these new reading skills that want to be put to use.” He bumps Cas’ shoulder.
“It’ll take us until spring until I have deciphered anything,” Cas answers drily.
It makes Dean snort. “Yeah, well, we have the time. And I can help if you get stuck.”
Cas nods. He knows that Dean would always help. "What do you expect them to entail?" He tries to keep his voice neutral, but there's a spike of worry he can't repress.
Dean raises his eyebrows at him.
Cas blushes and looks at his hands that have started wringing the fabric of his pants without his consent. "It's just -," That fairytales never come true. That there's always a catch. "It's just that all I know is the stories they told in the kitchens. And they were all about exceptional love and never about practicalities."
Dean hums thoughtfully. "I guess that's what most people want to hear."
Most slaves anyway, Cas thinks. They want to hear about the miracle of someone loving and protecting them. But he doesn't say it out loud. "They don't expect the stories to come true," is what he settles on instead. "They don't expect to need advice from them."
Dean looks at him with soft eyes. "An exceptional love?" He asks quietly. “That’s what’s coming true?”
Cas can feel himself blush, even though that’s exactly what he’s thought. "You know that it is," he mumbles.
“Even when I let you down?” Dean asks back, an undertone of something harsh in his voice now, though it is directed at himself, not at Cas. “Like I let you down by not understanding yesterday?”
Cas nods. “Even then. You were angry, yes, yet you still allowed me to explain and you listened to my answer. That
is
exceptional.”
Dean doesn’t like the explanation, Cas can see it from the tight line around his mouth. Dean never likes to be reminded of the other Alphas that have been in Cas’ life. But all he does is take Cas’ hand. “I fucked up. I should have listened to you immediately instead of getting frustrated. I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better.”
Cas leans into him then, allowing Dean to put an arm around him and hold him close. “You know that the apology isn’t necessary.”
“If it isn’t necessary for you, it’s still necessary for me. Indulge me, Cas.”
“Alright,” Cas nods, his voice fond, because the Alpha’s stubborn insistence is so predictably Dean. “Apology accepted.”
It still takes them quite a while before they make it outside. And then Benny, Jody and Sam are there to make sure Dean is bundled up thickly. The three fuss about him until Dean actually growls at them to give him some space.
Cas tries to keep his face straight, but he can’t keep in a little chuckle at the display.
Immediately, Dean’s eyes find his. They’re narrowed still from fighting off the unwanted attention, but they soften into amusement to mirror Cas’ own when he sees Cas’ lingering smile. “Y’all are the worst,” Dean shakes his head at their group. “Don’t you have anything better to do than harass your Alpha?”
“Not if you keep being reckless,” Benny grumbles. Both Jody and Sam nod to that.
“I have Cas here to keep me from doing anything stupid, don’t I?”
“Like that’s gonna help,” Sam huffs. “Look at what happened last time you wanted to impress him.”
“I would have stopped him.” All eyes turn to Cas when he speaks up, but he stands his ground and frowns at Sam. “Had I been there, I would have convinced him that a warm bath inside with soap and herbs was going to be both healthier and more effective.”
Cas crosses his arms to dare Sam to disagree because they both know that Cas would have and that Dean would have listened.
Sam looks at him slack-mouthed while Jody coughs into her elbow in what might be shocked surprise or might be an attempt to stifle some laughter. Not that Cas really cares.
Benny is the first to move, though, shrugging his shoulders before clapping Dean on the shoulder. “It seems that I leave you in good hands, Chief.” He saunters off before Dean can even reply.
Jody points vaguely in the same direction that Benny just went. “I’ll just.. You do your thing.” And then she’s gone, too, leaving Sam, Dean and Cas in an uneasy group.
Dean looks between his brother and Cas, eyebrow raised, while Sam just looks uncomfortable.
“Cat got your tongue?” Dean finally asks Sam. “Cause I think Cas was talking to you, so the polite thing would be to answer.”
“Dean…” Sam’s shoulders go up over his ears even while he hunches his back to appear smaller.
“You can’t make this work,” Cas turns to Dean with a shake of his head. “I know you want to set everything in the world right, but you can’t make Sam like me. Or the thought of
us
, for that matter. And trying to cow him into it is not helping.”
There is an unamused line around Dean’s mouth now and Cas turns his palms outward in response. But he knows that he’s right about this.
“See it from Sam’s perspective. He doesn’t want you to end like your father. I understand that. I don’t want you to become that, too.”
Dean narrows his eyes. “Who talked to you about our father?”
“
You
did,” Cas answers patiently. “You told me about him as well when you told me stories about your mother and your childhood. About the den. About Bobby. And the pack told me, too, if not in words. The silence that falls whenever someone mentions him speaks loudly, Dean.”
There’s a truth in that that neither Sam nor Dean can deny. They shut down talk of their father quickly, not that anyone would talk of him on purpose in front of the brothers. The most Cas has gleaned about the man is from Dean himself. There are the rare quiet moods when Dean feels like he has to explain what is on his mind and in his past for his behaviour in the present to make sense. Cas only ever asks very carefully. It is clear to him that the wounds of the brothers go too deep for it to not still hurt to share details beyond the most superficial facts.
Still, “I know you are used to the silence. I am here, though. If either of you ever feels like talking about him would lighten the load.”
That brings both brothers up short. Sam actually scratches his neck, an unguarded movement that he would usually suppress.
“I know we’re not close,” Cas turns explicitly to Sam, “but it goes for you the same as for Dean. If you tell me, I will listen to your worries. And then I'll bury them in my heart and will never mention them to anyone else. Not even to Dean, if you don’t wish it.” Cas is good at keeping his silence after all.
It makes Sam fidget, and he gives a sidelong glance at Dean to gauge his reaction. Dean glowers a little, his mouth a thin firm line, but he doesn’t protest Cas’ words.
“I’m not gonna make you do that,” Sam replies finally. “But I
am
worried. About both of you, to be honest. Though admittedly, where I was worried about you more in the beginning, I’m more worried for Dean these days.”
“You don’t need to,” Dean grumps, “about neither of us.”
Cas puts a gloved hand on Dean’s arm. “He has a right to worry. You do it, too.”
“Plus, it’s not exactly like either of you know what you’re doing,” Sam points out.
And that’s true for sure. But Cas has lived by someone else’s plans and rules all of his life, his fate and destiny sealed when he presented. No longer. So he just shrugs and smiles at Dean when he says, “We’re making it up as we go.”
The words soften Dean’s stance, his answering shrug accompanied by a crooked smile.
“You’ve changed a lot,” Sam states quietly.
“I have,” Cas agrees. “There really is no need to worry about me.”
Sam nods, defensiveness fading. “I’ve noticed that a while ago, actually. But you know why I was worried, right?”
“Dean wouldn’t hurt me.” It is a statement of fact that Cas has plenty of evidence for.
“Not on purpose, maybe. But Cas, the way Dean looked at you from basically the first moment he met you…,” Sam shakes his head.
“Like he was halfway to devouring me even with my shirt on?” Cas smiles at the memory and looks up at Dean. “Jo said that to me. The morning when she and I first sparred. That you were looking at me like that.”
“Umm,” Dean’s face turns a dark shade of red and he averts his eyes.
“Dean!” And this time, Cas snuggles up close to him. “You’ve made it clear that you won’t touch me against my will. I don’t actually mind that you, you know, like my body.”
“Yeah, well,” Dean mutters, clearly still embarrassed. “Can’t blame me when you fight with all that concentration and…” Dean swallows heavily.
“Is that why you wouldn’t spar with me?” Cas narrows his eyes at Dean when he has that epiphany. “Is that why you had everyone else run drills but you always kept to the side?”
Dean groans, but he nods jerkily. “I didn’t - I’m pretty sure my self-control would have been good enough to not, y’know. But there’s no guarantee I wouldn’t have started making out with you right there and then.”
Dean mumbles it with so much hesitation that it makes Cas laugh. “So you’re saying, now that we’ve figured out kissing, we should definitely start sparring?”
“Umm.” It renders Dean speechless, while Sam dissolves in a helpless fit of laughter.
“Yeah, okay, you’ve convinced me, I’m
definitely
not worried about you anymore, Cas.”
Sam leaves them after this, obviously satisfied for now, though he asks Dean to come check on the roof repairs they’re making. Dean promises that they’ll get to it on their round, but he starts out in the other direction.
“The stables for the horses are over here,” he explains.
“You want to check up on Kaz,” Cas understands.
Dean nods. “I’m not used to someone else caring for him.”
Cas smiles, because it is just like Dean to miss his horse. “You should have brought him an apple.”
Dean smiles back, but he shakes his head. “There are so many mouths to feed and winter is still long. Kaz will have to make do with hay and oats for now.”
Which is still very good food, and plenty for the horses to be happy during winter.
And happy they are, as evidenced by the peaceful snorts that greet them when they enter the building. Dean goes right up to Kaz, scratching the horse’s ears, who immediately pushes his whole face into Dean’s chest.
“Yeah, I’ve missed you, too, buddy,” Dean laughs quietly.
Cas doesn’t really have a connection this special to any of the horses, but he still goes over to Bella to pet her. She has been good to him after all.
“We’ll have to make sure that you get some movement, so that you stay fast and strong,” Dean tells Kaz who slobbers on Dean’s coat in answer. Then Dean turns to Cas, “If you’re up for it, I can ask Jody whether there’s a trail where it’s unlikely that anyone from town would spot us out and about. Then we could go for a ride every so often.”
“Uhh.” Riding is still not necessarily Cas’ favorite activity in the world. But then, spending time with Dean is always worth it. “We could,” he allows. “If Charlie is still good with me riding Bella.”
“Don’t think that’s gonna be a problem,” Dean grins.
The cold somehow seems to have gotten more bitter when they leave the horses to walk around the rest of the premises, the wind having freshened up. Cas tightens his coat around his shoulders.
“The path down here goes to a little smithy, though it isn’t much in use these days. None of the pack is staying there, because the grime permeates everything. There’s a stream behind it that signifies the end of the homestead.”
“No fence?” Cas asks because the borders he’s seen so far had all been neatly marked by paling fences.
“No,” Dean shakes his head. “They have fences towards the town, but not towards the forest. It’s a homestead, not a castle.”
“They don’t expect to have to defend it?”
Dean shrugs. “Not against a bigger force, at least. The fences wouldn’t do much for that, either.”
“Hmm,” Cas answers noncommittally.
“You disagree?”
Cas shrugs. “They know their town better than I do. It just seems to me that it’s dangerous business, knowing your words and printing them on paper to distribute. So maybe defenses would come in handy.”
“You’re not wrong,” Dean allows. “But making a castle out of this place might draw attention where there is none right now.”
That makes sense, too, so Cas nods.
“Let’s go check on the pack,” Dean nods over towards the service buildings that have been transformed into living quarters for now.
“Alright.”
Everyone’s already seen Dean or at least heard the news that he’s back up on his feet, but they’re still milling around them as soon as they spot them.
Though it’s a friendly attack, Cas’ heart starts racing, because there is none of the usual structure and order they have when on the road, everyone is just swarming them. He lets himself fall back until he’s on the outer rim of the circle of people around Dean to calm his breathing.
It works, too, and it doesn’t even take longer than a couple dozen heartbeats.
They all have stories to tell or questions to ask it seems, Dean’s absence from the day to day running of the pack noticed more sorely than Cas expected. Dean listens patiently, answering questions and giving input where it’s necessary. Mostly, it seems to Cas that Dean encourages everyone to keep doing what they’re doing.
The knot of people follows Dean even as he keeps moving, the people that fall away replaced by others. Benny ends up back at Dean’s side, and Charlie joins the fray, too. If Cas hadn’t promised that he’d keep close to Dean to keep an eye on him, he’d fall back completely and find a task to occupy his hands, because it’s clear that he’s of no help here.
“You look unhappy.”
Cas flinches before he notices that it’s only Charlie who has fallen back from Dean’s immediate circle as well. “Hello Charlie.”
She smiles at him. “You don’t look as exhausted as I’d thought you’d be.”
Cas raises his eyebrows at her.
She chuckles and nods towards Dean. “He’s a famously difficult patient. But I’ve heard that he’s turned into a big softie for you. So, why are you unhappy?”
Cas frowns at her then, because he doesn’t like that. She means to be teasing, but Cas knows how this works. Alphas that are soft get replaced. Chased away from their packs, killed even, if they aren’t skilled enough. There shouldn’t be jokes about the matter.
“Hey Cas, what’s up?” Charlie tilts her head at him.
“He’s not soft,” Cas growls. “He’s good and kind, but he’s not
soft
.”
Charlie looks at him curiously. The others are taken aback in the rare cases he allows any temper to show, and the few who know about his affliction, like Sam and Benny, tense in a way that Cas thinks means they’re evaluating how long it would take them to grab a weapon. Charlie knows, too, but she never flinches. She only ever looks at him like she’s trying to solve a puzzle. Cas isn’t sure that he likes the intrusion of that any better.
"Snow is soft. Doesn't mean it can't kill you."
"Grass is soft and people just step on it," Cas counters.
Charlie shrugs. "It'll spring right back up after bending to the weight. Whilst if the hard fir tree falls in the storm, it splinters and dies."
Cas concedes the point with a nod, "And Dean's not so rigid that he wouldn't know how to bend to a storm. It still doesn't make him soft."
She shakes her head at him, "Cas, my man, I understand where you're coming from, but you gotta chill. Everyone here is kinda glad that Dean's getting a little more in touch with his soft side. It makes him a lot less grumpy. So believe it or not, Dean being happy makes the rest of us happy, too. Well, apart from Sam maybe," she shrugs. "Guess you can't win them all."
So it is obvious to the rest of the pack, obvious enough even, that Charlie doesn't hesitate saying it out loud. Cas rubs a gloved hand over his face in frustration. It's worrisome, especially since the rift between Dean and Sam seems to get wider every time Dean takes to growling and ordering Sam to accept the status quo. Which is basically every time the topic comes up.
Which, maybe Charlie isn't completely wrong. A hard hand will solve nothing, at least where it concerns Sam.
Those are not thoughts he wants to share though, so instead he asks, "if Dean wanted to keep teaching me, would you be alright with me riding Bella again?"
Charlie gives him that quizzical look again but then she grins. "You've started loving her, admit it!"
Now Cas wouldn't go quite that far. "She did not seem disturbed by my company when we visited the houses earlier, so I haven't managed to make her hate me yet."
Charlie chuckles. "Awww, Cas, you're not that bad at riding."
"So you admit that I'm bad at it."
"Ehh, how do I word this nicely…"
"I'm bad at it."
"You're not a natural," Charlie words it politely.
"You can say that," Cas snorts.
"But you've also only just started learning. Some things take time."
That makes Cas huff. It seems like most of his life consists of things to learn that take time. Doing dishes and laundry had been so much easier.
Speaking of which, "Think you and Sam could keep an eye on him? I wanted to wash some linens."
Charlie gives him a smirk that makes him blush.
"Because of his sickness," he hurries to add.
"Sure, let's say that," Charlie grins. "How long until you want me to send him inside?"
"Not too long if you can manage."
Charlie shrugs. "I'm just gonna make him aware how long it's been since I last saw you. He's gonna go look for you immediately."
Cas didn't want to give her the satisfaction to tell her that he agrees that will work, but he's got to admit that it probably will, so all he answers is, "Thank you".
"Anything for my horse's second favorite rider," she grins. "Oh, and for Dean, too."
He shakes his head at her, but doesn't question it any further.
Doing the laundry is tedious. Oh, it's easier here than on the road. The fire is still stoked and he can warm up water to his liking. He can also dry the clothes next to the fire, alleviating any need to be outside with wet hands, which always makes his hands hurt for hours after when the temperatures are this low.
It’s only that his mind doesn’t want to find the rhythm of his work soothing as it had once done. Instead, the ever same movements become boring faster than the small pile of laundry he’s assembled dwindles.
He shakes his head at himself. Hadn’t he just earlier thought that it had been easier, doing nothing but menial tasks? And now he already longs for the challenge of letters or of a partner to spar with.
He lets the wet linen clutter back into the bucket when he realizes what he had been only vaguely aware of until this exact moment: there is no going back. Whatever happens in his life from here on out, the person he was when Dean bought him? That person doesn’t exist anymore.
Consequently, when Dean comes in, Cas’ first words are, “I want your bite.”
“What?” Dean stops abruptly in the middle of shaking the snow out of his hair.
“I know you wanted to talk to Missouri first, and if you decide against it after, I’ll accept. But I for my part? I want your bite.”
“Uh, okay?” Dean says hesitantly. “What brought this on?”
Cas looks at the last of the linens that he’s just beaten into submission, before resolutely looking back up at Dean again. “I’m not a slave anymore.”
Dean blinks at him. “Of course you aren’t, but…”
“If I wear your bite, I’ll never be a slave anymore.” He dares Dean to disagree with that.
“But you’ll be wearing my bite,” Dean points out instead.
“Yes,” Cas nods. That’s the whole point, after all.
“Which is still a sign of ownership. Which I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with.”
“It’s a sign of belonging,” Cas counters. “And I know that I want to belong to you.”
That’s the first thing that makes Dean smile, if only a little. He lets himself plunk to the floor next to Cas. “That’s what the bite is? A sign of us belonging together?” he asks as if to make sure.
“Yes,” Cas repeats. “That’s what it is to me.”
“Good,” Dean nods. “Then you will not have a problem with what I’m going to propose next. Because I have talked to Missouri about this. And she’s made an interesting point.”
That makes Cas’ eyebrows rise.
“The way she described it, a bite changes you. It forms a physical bond. Opens up a new connection. And it seems to me that a connection like that should always go both ways.”
Cas frowns at Dean as he tries to puzzle out what Dean is saying.
It makes Dean smile some more. He takes Cas’ hand, squeezing it tight for a moment before encircling it more loosely. “I think I’m okay with it, Cas. With you wearing my bite. But in this as in everything, I want our bond to be mutual. So I’m okay with it only under the condition that you give me your bite as well.”
It renders Cas speechless.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
To his credit, he doesn’t tell Dean that he’s insane. He’s thinking it loudly maybe, but he doesn’t say it. Instead, he says, “How would that even? That’s not…” And then breaks off.
“According to Missouri, it is. A thing. Or it was, at least. Omegas can bite Alphas the same way Alphas can bite Omegas. There’s no difference.”
Cas blinks. “But the bite breaks skin. It scars,” he says, dumbfounded. The thought of breaking Dean’s skin makes something hot and unpleasant swirl in his stomach.
“Yes,” Dean confirms.
“But that…” Cas has no words for that.
“You had no qualms about this when it was about your skin scarring,” Dean points out.
Cas nods and puts a hand on his neck where a bite would go. “I don’t mind,” he says quietly. “I have so many scars already, and I’ve survived them all. This one would be - it would be an improvement to have one that I actually chose. Especially with what it means.”
There’s something incredibly sad in Dean’s scent, but all he does is wrap his fingers around Cas’. “You’ve seen me without my linens. You know that I have my assortment of scars, too. And yeah, no one told me to hold still and just take it when I got them, but I didn’t want any of them any more than you. This, though, this I would want, too.”
“But I… I don’t want to hurt you.” Castiel whispers it.
“And I’m still glad about that,” Dean answers and squeezes Cas’ fingers. “But this is different, right? This is not rage, this is not you wanting to cause me pain - or me wanting to cause you pain for that matter. This is about something beautiful that will happen beyond that one moment of pain.”
“The mating bond.” It is so quiet it’s barely audible.
But still, Dean nods.
It’s unfathomable, though. Because for Cas, a practical purpose comes with this. Being bonded to Dean, his claim both visible and stitched into his blood, into the very core of his being, will make Cas unattractive to even be stolen away. He will not fetch a good price on any market anymore. Alphas other than Dean will find his scent appalling or at the very least unappealing. Because Dean’s smell will be woven into it, no amount of water able to wash it off.
But there is no practical purpose for Dean. He’s gonna have to endure pain for absolutely no gain. He’s gonna wear a scar that others will judge him for. And what if his scent changes, too? For an Alpha, that’s not going to be the same advantage that it is for Cas. It will make other Alphas suspicious and turn both Omegas and betas off. He’s gonna be stuck with Cas.
“Are you scared that I might hurt you if you bite me?” Dean asks. “That even though there is every permission, I might lash out?”
Cas frowns at him. That thought hadn’t even crossed his mind.
“I don’t mean this badly,” Dean immediately assures. “I won’t be mad if it is so. I know that you trust me as far as you can and maybe one day that’s with everything, but we aren’t there yet.” He takes a big breath. “I’m sorry that I got frustrated the other day. It wasn’t fair.”
“Dean…” Somehow, Cas is nowhere near getting used to Dean apologizing, even though, yeah, in this case, the Alpha had reacted more harshly than was necessary. But it was born out of helplessness, not out of anger. He shakes his head decisively. “I’ve hurt you before when I had no explicit permission for it. You didn’t punish me then, I do not believe that you’d punish me for this. No, Dean, I’m not scared. I just - you don’t have to do this.”
“I know,” Dean nods. “But I want to.”
“But why?”
“Because if I get to lay this claim on you, you get to lay it on me. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I don’t care whether it isn’t the way the world works anywhere else. I want to be claimed by you.”
And that leaves Cas speechless again. Since he has no answer for it, he asks, “Can I kiss you?”
It widens Dean’s smile into something beautiful. “Always.”
That makes Cas smile, too. He lets the laundry be and turns fully to Dean instead. The stupid Alpha is sitting on the floor with him when he could sit much more comfortably. But now that works in their favor. Dean reels him in by the waist, pulling them together until Cas is basically snuggled in his lap. Cas wraps his arms around Dean’s neck in turn, bringing their chests close. It always amazes him, the warmth and sturdiness of the Alpha. Like he’s a literal pillar of good in the world.
Cas goes slow when he presses their lips together. Dean smiles into the kiss, keeping his mouth closed until Cas carefully licks at the seam of his lips. Only then does he open up his mouth, allowing Cas to intrude.
It feels weird and exhilarating in equal degrees, Cas still sure that no Alpha should allow anyone easy access to his body like this. But Dean makes all these soft happy noises as Cas explores his mouth, and it’s making him bolder than he’s been. He nips at Dean’s lower lip, a kitten bite that is far, far away from the real bite a mating bite would be. He’s not sure why he does it, maybe just to test the waters, but he definitely doesn’t expect the way Dean moans into the kiss. It vibrates inside of Cas’ chest and he licks over the bite just to choose a new place and do it again.
Dean moans again and then he breaks the kiss to tilt his head.
Cas freezes.
“You don’t have to bite-bite. Just - kinda like your mouth on me,” Dean rumbles, his voice rough.
So Cas complies. He puts his mouth on Dean’s neck, licking first before increasing the pressure and sucking at the skin. Dean groans again, and there’s gotta be a jolt of pain, but Dean leans into the touch, not away from it. Cas scrapes his teeth over the place where he sucked at the skin, and Dean’s whole body goes taut. Cas soothes the skin and draws Dean’s shirt out of the way so that he can nibble at more skin.
Dean lets his weight rest against Cas, the noises he makes still happy, but deeper now, more guttural. Cas lets his other hand stray from Dean’s neck, lets it find its way under Dean’s shirt and when that makes Dean’s scent much more intense, he lets it wander even further and stray towards the waistband of Dean’s pants. Dean groans underneath him, an aborted stutter of his hips that still nudges them up enough that Cas can feel exactly what effect he’s having on Dean.
He swallows hard and grabs a handful of Dean’s butt, massaging the skin while keeping his mouth on Dean’s neck.
Dean cramps his hands into Cas’ shirt, breathing harder than he had, but obviously doing everything in his power to keep himself still and not rut against Cas and break the spell.
Cas freezes for a moment and then makes a decision. He draws his hand out of Dean’s pants, brings it between them, fingers wrapped around the string that keep Dean’s pants up. He takes all of his courage and asks, “Can I touch you?”
It comes out in a whisper, but it still makes Dean’s breathing speed up. Cas can literally feel how Dean tries to shake himself out of the haze of arousal, probably to tell him that he doesn’t have to. Which is something Cas already
knows
.
“None of that,” Cas protests. “Just answer me. Can I touch you?”
Dean is still leery. It’s clear in every line of his body. He's tense in a way like he’s ready to back away any second. But he nods and that’s all Cas needs.
So Cas pulls on the strings, letting the pants fall open, and slides his hand down before he can lose his moment of bravery.
Dean jumps at the first touch, like he didn’t actually expect Cas to go through with it.
There’s coarse curled hair and then there’s smooth skin over a hard surface. Cas swallows and experimentally wraps his hand around the expanse of Dean’s dick.
Dean groans and shivers and lets his head fall forward until it’s nestled in the crook of Cas’ neck.
Cas licks his lips before pressing an open-mouthed kiss to Dean’s neck. He’s not sure whether it is to divert his own attention or Dean’s or just because he wants to know that this is also still a thing even though he has his hand wrapped around Dean’s dick.
It doesn’t feel as alien as he’d expected. His experience with Alpha dicks is pretty much limited to a painful intrusion into his body. He never really thought about how they’d feel in his hand. How different or similar to his own dick they might be. Dean’s bigger, obviously, though Cas can’t feel even the beginning of a knot yet. But his skin is warm and smooth and Cas suddenly has the urge to check closer to see every single freckle that might have been hiding when he last looked at Dean.
They’re too close together for it, though, so he just starts moving his hand.
It punches a breath and an almost violent shudder out of Dean when Cas’ fingers find the tip of his dick, moving the foreskin.
Cas bites his lip. Movement is a thing, he knows that. Dean tries to be quiet and delicate about taking care of himself, but he does do it every so often. Cas on the other hand has spent many years trying to avoid his own arousal just as much as that of any Alpha, so he only has a few unclear memories of touching himself in his childhood. As an omega, he’s not supposed to get much pleasure from his dick anyway. In summary, he has no idea how exactly Dean is touching himself to bring himself pleasure.
“Show me what to do,” he asks Dean hoarsely. “Show me what you like.”
Dean groans again and it takes a moment for him to find his coordination. Then he unclenches one of his hands from the fabric of Cas’ shirt and wraps it around Cas’ hand. That added pressure alone makes him shudder again and really, it is fascinating to watch Dean like this.
“Show me,” Cas demands again and actually enjoys the hitch in Dean’s breathing that the sentence produces.
Dean starts moving their hands together, adjusting the pressure and speed and adding a twist here and there. Cas lets Dean set all the parameters, but he watches and listens, tries to catalogue every change in Dean’s breathing, every hitch, every moan. He wants to know them all so that at some point he can copy the movements needed to produce them.
“Yes, Dean, that’s it,” he encourages when Dean’s mouth falls open, like the air he can suck in through his nose is not enough anymore.
Dean whines at the words, and okay, if Dean likes when he talks, Cas can comply.
“Does it feel good?” he whispers in Dean’s ear. “To have my mouth on your skin,” he punctuates that with a kiss, ”and my hand on you, pleasuring you?”
“Yes.” The word is breathless.
There’s some wetness now, spreading from the tip of Dean’s dick, and it makes the glide of their hands easier, even as Dean increases the speed and pressure.
“Cas, I’m... If we keep this up, I’m…” It’s cut off by another moan.
“Wanna see that. You always make sure you have your back turned to me. But not today. Wanna be here for it today.”
Cas can feel Dean’s knot swell. It’s easy like this. He can model his hand to fit the new size, no pain like when the knot gets pushed over his rim again and again. Here, it doesn’t feel dangerous, it’s just a part of Dean’s body, one that shows how much he enjoys this.
“Can feel your knot swelling,” Cas states the obvious, just to keep talking. Instinctively, he tightens the pressure of his fingers, provides the knot with some resistance to swell against.
Dean finally can’t take it anymore, apparently, because he starts rutting after all, if only into their hands and not against Cas. The movement is still tight and contained, Dean’s free hand now braced against the floor, providing him with some leverage.
“Yeah, that’s it,” Cas encourages again and licks at the beads of sweat that have started to collect in the hollow of Dean's throat.
And that’s it, that’s the moment of too much, because Dean’s hips stutter and a “
Cas
” gets punched out of him and then there’s a long moment of stillness as Dean presses their fingers around his knot like a vice and Cas can feel it, how all of Dean’s muscles contract as he comes.
Cas always hated that. Hated the way the Alphas grunted and shuddered as their seed spilled inside him. There’s still an element of being unsure about this even now, but Dean’s panting as he comes down and he’s basically collapsed into Cas’ arms and is relying on Cas to hold up his weight and his hand is gone from around Cas’, leaving him free to stop touching. Dean's already wiped his own hand on his pants and put it back around Cas’ back for support, but Cas keeps the pressure on Dean’s knot, knowing from experience that it'll take a while to go down and that Alphas find it pleasurable to still have resistance, sometimes even to the extent of - experimentally, he massages Dean's skin. It doesn't take long until another shudder goes through Dean, his breath being punched out of him for a second time.
Dean goes completely boneless after that, so finally, Cas also lets go. Cas' hand was at the base of Dean's dick, so there isn't really any mess to wipe before he can wrap his hand around Dean’s back, holding him close while his heart rate calms down.
They sit together until Dean’s breathing has normalized. Dean grimaces a little when he finally moves, and yeah, Cas guesses things have probably gone somewhat sticky.
“Well, good thing I was doing laundry anyway,” Cas says drily.
It punches a startled laugh out of Dean that radiates outward until it’s a full body laugh. It’s beautiful to watch.
“You’re amazing, you know that?” Dean pulls Cas in on the tailend of his laughter, kissing him soundly.
Cas allows himself to melt into it, the sheer closeness to the Alpha overwhelming his senses in the best way. And if that’s how it always goes, then Cas is good with this. Better than he thought he could be, actually.
He kisses Dean back without reservation and then lets himself be wrapped in a tight hug.
Finally though, the need to move asserts itself. Cas’ knees hurt from kneeling and Dean’s face does funny things when he gets up and lets his pants drop.
“There’s fresh water, too, if you want to clean yourself.” Cas points towards the bucket next to the fire before grabbing Dean’s underthings and dunking them in with the rest of the laundry.
Dean cleans himself and finds some breeches to wear while Cas scrubs and wrings out the soiled pants until they’re fresh and clean again. He lays them to dry by the fire before rolling up from his knees and standing.
Dean is looking at him weirdly, so Cas raises an eyebrow at him.
“I didn’t expect that,” Dean admits.
Cas shrugs. He didn’t expect it, either.
“So now I’m wondering why.”
“Stop it,” Cas interrupts him right there, because he can see the dark clouds already forming behind Dean’s eyes. He pushes back into Dean’s space. “I enjoyed it.” Surprisingly enough, that’s actually true.
Dean’s still not convinced, though. “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” Cas says with emphasis. “You deserve to feel good, Dean, and I’m glad that I could do that for you.”
“You deserve to feel good, too, though.”
“I feel good right now. Here.” Cas tilts his head to the side. “Smell for yourself whether there is any distress.”
There is none and they both know it, but Dean still presses his nose into Cas’ neck, if only to press another kiss into his skin.
“Just want to make sure,” Dean mumbles.
“You do. You always do,” Cas says fondly and leans into Dean to steal another kiss.
Dean promptly catches him and the stolen kiss turns into languid making out. There's no urgency behind it, even though Dean pulls them close, one of his bowlegs finding its way in between Castiel's knees to press even closer. But it feels just like that - like wanting to be as close as possible.
"Wait," Cas says.
Immediately, Dean's grip loosens.
Cas uses the new space to draw his shirt over his head and then Dean's as well before discarding them both to the side and closing right back in.
Dean's skin is warm, his sweat dried by now, his heartbeat steady. Cas leans in close to listen, a soft smile stretching his lips. He’s okay. He did that for Dean and he’s okay. It warms him from the inside like Dean’s body heat and the fire warm him from the outside.
Dean drops a kiss to his hair, nuzzling close. “I love you, Cas. You know that, right?”
Cas nods into Dean’s skin. “I love you, too, Dean.”
“I’m glad.” Dean hugs him closer. “You have no idea how often I thank the fates that they brought you into my life.”
Cas snorts.
“No, really,” Dean says. “I lie awake at night sometimes, thinking about it. How easy it would have been to miss you. If Charlie had found a roadblock ahead. If the weather had changed. If we hadn’t managed to trade for the weapons Crowley wanted. There were so many junctions at which we might have changed course. Hell, we might have been delayed by an hour and you might have been in a room somewhere instead of in the kitchens and I’d have been there and never gotten to you. The thought terrifies me.”
And that does indeed sound like Dean, the weight of the world so heavy on his shoulders that he worries even about the things that have already taken place. Castiel presses himself closer, physically reassuring Dean of his presence. He’s glad, too, that he got hungry at the exact right time to cross Dean’s path when he was negotiating a few scraps in the kitchen.
Speaking of which, “Are you hungry?” Castiel asks. “Missouri’s made a new batch of stew, it should have been over the fire long enough by now.”
Dean’s stomach grumbles on cue, making both of them laugh, but he doesn’t let go of Cas. Instead, he softly cups Castiel’s face, tilting his head up until he can kiss him. Cas leans into Dean, lets himself be surrounded by both his strength and his gentleness.
Yeah, it would have been terrible if Dean had missed him that day.
By the time they make it out to the main room, there are already a few people eating dinner. Cas fetches their bowls today, telling Dean in no uncertain terms to sit down and rest, because he might not feel like it, but he’s still recovering and he already did enough exercising for the day.
He notices how Donna bites back a smile when Dean grumbles but obeys, but Cas suppresses the guilty feeling that wants to crop up. Dean was sick, Dean needs to be taken care of. That’s what’s important. He can go back to being the big bad Alpha in a few days when he’s fully recovered.
Missouri looks at him with a raised eyebrow when he goes to fill their bowls, and for a heartbeat he thinks she knows what transpired between him and Dean earlier. He already wants to blush at the thought before he remembers that Dean had actually gone and talked to Missouri about mating bites and that that is probably what the look is for.
Cas had kind of gotten distracted away from the topic with everything else that had happened, so they’d never gotten around to a final conclusion. But one thing is clear, “His mind is set.”
“It doesn’t mean you have to comply,” Missouri points out.
Cas nods, because he knows that, but he also shrugs with a helpless smile. “It is hard to deny Dean Winchester anything that he has set his mind to.”
That makes a crooked smile appear on Missouri’s face as well. “You might have a point there.”
“It would be easier for me if…” He breaks off, but Missouri nods at him to keep going. “Are there any advantages at all for him? If it is just pain that he gets out of it, that is not…” Castiel shakes his head.
Missouri tilts her head at him. “There are advantages that he will see. I am not sure you will see it the same way.”
“Because he will be bound to me.”
“Yes,” Missouri nods.
“How is that an advantage? It will make him more vulnerable.”
“It will also make him stronger.”
“Like the bond with his mother did for his father?” Castiel bites. There are a few heads turning in their direction, so he blushes and lowers his voice. “Did they even have mating bites? Or am I going to make it even worse for Dean than his mother made life for his father?” It’s a low blow and he knows it.
Missouri tuts at him, forehead wrinkled in a disapproving frown. “Mind your words. You’re finding shelter in a home that believes in pair bonds, and you call a pack home that is willing to lay their lives down for both you and Dean, even though they have not forgotten the past. Show them that you’re deserving of both.”
Castiel grits his teeth and averts his gaze, guilt hot in his stomach. Still, “Sam sees it. That there’s danger in this.”
“There’s danger in getting up off your furs in the morning, Castiel.”
“But there is also need that compels me to get up in the morning. There is no need for Dean to suffer this pain.”
Missouri raises an eyebrow. “You don’t believe the need to do right by you compels Dean? The need to love you in the best way he can? To be as close to you as he can be? To protect you? Do you not believe the same feelings that your heart holds are also prominent in his?”
“Well…” But there is no denying this. “I know that they are,” he admits grudgingly. Dean is showing it to him every day with both actions and words. “I know that he loves me.”
“Then you already have an answer that should be enough for you.”
Because Dean wants to be as close as he can be. And the blood bond, by all accounts that Castiel’s ever heard, is the closest you can get to another person.
“Your absence will hurt him. But your presence will also soothe him, much more than it does even now. When he gets hurt, your presence will help him heal. When he is exhausted, he will find new strength in you. When he feels the weight of the world crushing him, he will find solace and refuge in you.”
“As long as I’m alive.”
“Yes,” Missouri nods. “But I thought you had learned this lesson already. Life is more than survival, and having the chance to live your life to the fullest is not something that’s granted to everyone. Sometimes, you have to be greedy and grasp the chances offered to you.”
It sounds like a final statement on the matter, so Castiel doesn’t contradict it. “Thank you,” he murmurs, meaning both the food and her words of wisdom.
She smiles at him, her eyes kind as always.
By the time he comes back to Dean’s side, the pack has already surrounded Dean. Castiel shakes his head when Dean looks at him with a question in his eyes. Dean frowns, but accepts the bowl Castiel hands him with a nod of gratitude. Cas smiles at him again and leaves them to it.
Instead, he goes and finds his sewing before finding a spot in front of the fire with both his bowl and his bag. He’ll be able to work here. And maybe the warm vest will keep Dean from getting sick again. Cas really doesn’t need that worry again anytime soon.
He switches between eating and sewing, making sure that he keeps his hands and the furs clean while using the energy he still has. He’s surprisingly exhausted for the fact that he didn’t train or do anything much in terms of manual labor at all, today. The laundry barely counts, seeing how he didn’t even have to scrub his hands raw in cold water.
He huffs quietly at himself. Sometimes he feels like he’s getting soft, with all of these niceties and luxuries heaped upon him. So he redoubles his efforts with the vest, stitching in the neatest rows his can.
He startles at a sudden presence beside him.
“Here.” Patience is holding out a mug to him.
“What is this?” Cas asks, though he is already putting down his work to take the offered mug. There are traces of honey wafting up in the scent, though it’s not enough to cover the bitter base.
“A precaution. From my aunt. She says you are to drink it every day now, even though you still have some time.”
It takes him a long moment to figure it out. “Oh,” he finally connects the dots. “Has she told you how long it will be?”
“No,” Patience shakes her head. “I see the change, too, but I doubt that even she can tell more than that it will happen eventually.”
“Huh,” Cas tilts his head at her. “What change can you see?”
“It’s, uhh, a change in your colors? Like, not the outside colors, the inside ones. It’s hard to describe to someone who can’t see them. There’s a softness in the way they blend that wasn’t there before. A shimmer and a pulsing overlaying them? And the colors get stronger when you’re near Dean.”
He blushes at that, even though the affections he and the Alpha hold for each other are no secret to anyone.
“Don’t worry,” Patience laughs. “You two are still way less obnoxious than Kaja and Claire.” She shudders. “My aunt says it’s because Kaja and Claire are only just grown and that they’re still grappling with having a good hold on their emotions, and that it shows in both their behaviour and their auras. They’re good for each other, though. I can always tell by the way people’s colors mix.”
“You can?” Cas asks surprised. Can Missouri do that, too?
“Yeah. It’s easy to see. When one color subsumes the other, that’s never a good sign. But when they mix and swirl to build something new, then people tend to be happy.”
“That’s - interesting,” Cas says, though he has to take a sip of the tea to cover his frown. He’s gotten used to Missouri just knowing things, but hearing it spelled out is still not comforting. Then another thought comes to him. “Have you ever seen the colors of someone with a mating bite?”
Patience looks at him like he’s grown two heads. “Well, d’uh.”
He blinks. “I don’t understand.”
“Donna and Jody?” Patience says impatiently. “What else other than mates did you think they were?”
“They - oh,” Cas says. He’d known they were a couple, obviously, but he hadn’t thought - “Does that even work? Between two betas?”
She snorts. “Obviously.”
“Oh, well, I guess,” Cas blinks again. “Do they - uhh, do they both have bites? Or did only one of them…?”
Patience rolls her eyes at him. “Both of them, of course. Though they chose different places for it.” She chuckles. “Did you want details on that?”
“No! God, no, I… I was just wondering whether it changes something. About your colors. Having a bite.”
“Of course it does,” Patience nods.
“Does it - how does it look like?”
She squints her eyes at him. He’s probably way too obvious with his questions, and the rumors about him and Dean will be spreading like wildfire. But it’s too late to take it back.
“It’s like -,” she thinks about how to describe it for a moment. “Donna and Jody still have their own colors, being mated doesn’t change anything about that. But they also carry each other’s colors. Like, when you and Dean or Kaia and Claire are too far apart, your colors separate. Even when you think about Dean, that’s still
your
colors, you know? It’s only when he’s next to you that your colors mix and blend. With Jody and Donna, it doesn’t matter how far they’re apart. The other one is always there. It looks different on different days and it feels different on different days, but it’s always there. It’s hard to explain.”
“But you can always tell which colors belong to whom?”
“Yep,” Patience nods. “There’s a quality about them that just lets me tell.”
“And does it feel - helpful, the way they keep each other’s colors?”
“Dude, you don’t need to be able to see what I see to know that they’re good together.”
Cas takes the rebuke in stride. “I was just wondering whether it was beneficial for both of them. The mating bite. I can see that they are good for each other.”
Patience’s eyes soften. “They are. And it’s made especially Jody much less sad. She’s had one before.”
That makes Cas sit up straight. “She had another mating bite? I didn’t know that that was possible!”
“It’s rare,” Patience shrugs. “Obviously, seeing how pair bonds and mating bites are already rare. But yes, you can survive the loss of a mate and some people can even find love and bond again. Did my aunt not tell you this?”
“I think - I think she thought the stories of this household were not hers to tell. And so she sent you.”
Patience grins. “Yeah, that sounds like her. You worry about him, huh? That’s why she sent me?” She nods towards where everyone is still crowding Dean.
Cas nods. “Worry seems to go hand-in-hand with - love. At least for me.” It’s the first time he says it this plainly to anyone but Dean. Not that he really has to tell their pack. Their pack had them figured out before they had ever figured themselves out, Cas is sure. Still, it feels warm and good, saying it out loud. “I don’t want him to be hurt by my love.”
Patience nods thoughtfully. “Do you want me to be honest?”
“Of course.”
“Well then. I believe that pain cannot be avoided in life. But I feel like love can mitigate any suffering. If you can face life together, it brings a kind of strength that you cannot reach on your own. And I know that you and Dean have a pack, so you aren’t actually alone. But that’s a different kind of strength. If that makes any sense at all?”
Cas thinks of how seamlessly the pack works together. How they fight as if they were one big body with many limbs. How they present a unit in any new town they go to. He sees the strength in that. And he also sees how that’s a different level of cooperation than the one Dean and him work together on. Their care for each other doesn’t have the same practice yet as the pack has, but it is strong. Their knowledge of the other’s thoughts and feelings goes deeper than even the family bond that Dean shares with Sam. Dean has made Cas stronger in the months that Cas has run with his pack. Physically, of course, with food and exercise and lots of learning. But also in ways that allow Cas to hold himself differently. To think of himself differently. To keep his head high and feel his own strength like he had never been able to before.
And now Cas can use that strength to support Dean. To let him lean on him when Dean is exhausted. To let Dean be soft and vulnerable and gentle the way he needs so that he can then go back out into the world and protect them all. Cas can meet him as a lover and an equal in their bedroom.
Dean setting him free has allowed Cas to grow into the person he was always meant to be. And Dean loves him for it and Cas loves him in return. They are stronger together.
Once he words it that way, the decision is easy.
“Thank you,” he smiles at Patience. “That helped a lot.”
Patience grins at him as they both get up. “You’re welcome.”
He’s barely even up when his eyes are already searching out Dean’s. Who notices immediately and pats Charlie on the knee in apology before getting up, too.
Dean comes over to him and Cas meets him halfway, his smile deepening with every step closer to his Alpha. His lover. His mate.
They come to a halt a mere inch apart, Dean’s hand searching out his. Cas gives it gladly.
“I have decided,” he smiles, unable to contain his joy now that the decision is made. “And my answer is yes, Dean. Yes to everything. Let us do that handfasting. Let a ribbon bind us and then let us go back to our den and tie our bond in private. Let your bite tie me to you, and my bite tie you to me, so that we can be who we are for the rest of our lives.”
Dean’s face breaks into a smile as bright as the sun. “Yes, Cas. God, yes. Let’s do that. Let’ s do that right now.”
It makes Cas laugh in joy, only for Dean to capture his mouth. The kiss cuts off the sound, but not the joy. That multiplies as they find each other.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dean wears his new vest for the handfasting.
Cas is proud of how good it looks, though Dean’s face is so radiant that Cas thinks he could be wearing rags and would still look amazing.
He himself is wearing new furs, too, traded for when Dean also traded for the yarn for their new blanket. That one is not finished yet, but they’re both wearing gloves made from the same blue and green yarn, because Cas wanted them to have at least something that represents their colors.
The ceremony itself is led by a grumpy old priest whose name is Rufus and who was actually not that hard to find once they asked Donna and Jody about it. Turns out that Rufus was a friend of Bobby’s and, in his own grumpy way, is still a friend of the Mills-Hanscum household.
The priest insisted on doing the ceremony outside, under the old oak tree, even though it’s currently bare of all leaves. Cas had been worried about the cold, but now he has to admit that the winter tree looks majestic and strong, connecting the earth with the sky and combining the hardiness of an old soul with the certainty of new life that will sprout as soon as the snows melt and the days get longer. As far as holy places go, this is one that even Cas can understand. Especially when the sun comes out, glittering on a new layer of snow and making their pack even more raucous in their joy. Now that they’re here, Cas can see why this is the exact right place. The earth and the sun and life itself get to witness their union and that is as it should be.
He hopes that the Gods feel it, too, his conviction about this being exactly right and that they may forgive him if this feeling is what he will remember of the ceremony, because he has a hard time listening to the actual words of the rite while his heart sings in joy that they’ve made it here. It makes it hard to concentrate, no matter that he knows how seriously the priest takes this ritual. And the priest is taking it
seriously
. Cas is so utterly aware of it because finding him hadn’t been hard, but where Cas had expected that to be the hardest part, it had turned out to be the easiest. Because once Rufus was sitting next to the fire in the main house, Missouri’s tea warming his hands, he had looked them up and down and insisted that they convince him why he should perform the handfasting. Cas had thought any priest would be grateful about followers who hadn’t forgotten the old rites and the old faith to whatever small degree. Not that the priest had travelled all the way with the full intention of refusing them should he not find their bond worthy.
Still, Cas only listens to the ceremony again when Dean speaks up, having been asked about his willingness to take Cas as his mate. Dean answers with solemn earnesty, but his eyes shine bright. Cas is asked next, though he can’t keep his happiness about getting to take part in this bond with Dean inside. It breaks out in a smile even while he speaks the old words. The answering smile that appears on Dean’s face almost blinds him with its deep love and adoration.
The priest asks for the ribbon next and Cas hands it to him, smiling at the thought of Gabriel and Pam and their city up in the mountains, without whom he doesn’t think they’d have ever known that they even could have this.
He takes off his glove and turns fully to Dean. The wind tries to suck the warmth from his newly exposed hand, but only for the moment it takes for Dean to find his skin. Then their fingers intertwine, keeping each other warm.
Dean’s cheeks are red from the cold, too, but his smile gets impossibly wider as the priest starts winding the ribbon around their clasped hands and ties it with three different knots because “one strand may break, but three hold fast”.
Their pack and the Hanscum-Mills household are both cheering already at that point, so the priest grumbles a little, but hurries up, declaring them intended for each other and each other only, to be lovers and partners and mates.
When Dean leans in to kiss Cas, the noise of the cheering becomes so loud that Cas can’t help it, he starts laughing even with his lips still on Dean’s. Dean doesn’t mind, though, grinning his own cheerful grin and pulling Cas in close.
There is a feast of course, with many good foods and treats that are not usually found in winter.
Cas and Dean sit close, Dean sweating in his vest because their hands are still fastened together and he can’t take it off. Cas should have thought of that. His own furs are in the style of a cape, easily slipped off one-handed.
Dean doesn’t actually seem disturbed by it, though, and at least a part of the color in his face is from the wine, not the warmth, Cas is sure.
They’re already done with dinner, eating the sweets the pups prepared as a gift for today, when Sam approaches him. He looks almost shy, his smile small and hesitant. Cas answers him with a cautious smile of his own. Sam had been quiet lately. Accepting of Dean’s choices, as far as Cas could tell, but not letting much of his own opinions shine through.
“This is for you,” Sam says now and holds out his hand.
There’s a small brooch in his large open palm, shaped like a tiny bee.
“It’s not much, I know. But I wanted you to know that… Well, that…” He trails off, shrugging uncomfortably.
“Thank you, Sam,” Cas says sincerely. “It’s beautiful.”
Sam shrugs again and scratches his head. “I just - I wish you two all the luck in the world. You know that, right?”
It doesn’t cancel out the worry. Of course not. But it’s a start. “Thank you, Sam. I appreciate it more than you can know. Can you help me fasten this to my shirt? It’s going to be difficult one-handed.”
Sam does, though he’s shy and hesitant about this, too. The movement alerts Dean, whose eyebrows draw together for a heartbeat until he understands. Then he watches with soft eyes.
“Thanks, Sammy.”
Dean’s thank you is for more than the brooch, and by the abrupt nod and watery shine in Sam’s eyes, Sam knows it as well as Cas. But all Sam does is clap Dean on the shoulder, before he turns and disappears into the crowd again.
It isn’t long after that Cas nudges Dean. “Do you want to retire?”
Immediately, Dean’s eyes are on him. Cas, of course, stares right back. Because where Dean was happy and loud before, he’s careful and quiet now at the prospect of the two of them being alone. Cas appreciates it, too, that even today Dean is taking care to make sure that Cas isn’t uncomfortable with anything that happens. But Cas wouldn’t propose retiring if he didn’t feel ready. So he holds Dean’s gaze and lets him find that truth in his eyes.
“Okay,” Dean finally nods and squeezes Cas’ fingers. The ribbon has loosened by now, enough that they could pull apart probably, though they don’t. Instead, they wind their way through the room together, attracting notice and good-willed cheers and innuendos the minute they move. Which, in all fairness, the innuendos are hitting the nail on the head.
Cas’ smile turns a little nervous after all. Only a little, though. They’ve done more, after that first time Cas helped Dean to completion. He’s touched basically all of Dean’s skin by now. Has licked and kissed and nibbled on most of him, too. And he has allowed Dean to touch and kiss his body in return. It had been surprisingly simple to allow ever next steps to Dean once he'd started. Dean’s hands are so gentle and he’s so attuned to Cas - advancing only with Cas’ permission and retreating whenever his scent turns sour - that Cas never loses the sense of being a person. Not even when he finally allowed Dean’s fingers to touch not only his outside, but his inside as well. The first time they’d tried that, Cas had thought for sure that it would all feel like it had back at Crowley’s and that he’d just have to grit his teeth through it outside of heat so that Dean wouldn’t feel uncomfortable once the fever arrived and they had to do this to satisfy its need. Only, Dean’s gentle explorations had stayed just that - gentle. While his finger slowly breached Cas’ body, burying itself in increments, he’d kissed Cas’ knees and the inside of his thighs and had muttered about how much he loved Cas and how he adored him and how much of an honor it was that Cas wanted to try this with him, and the endearments had turned increasingly ridiculous, distracting Cas in the best of ways until Dean had moaned and Cas had felt and smelled slick and understood that his body was welcoming Dean even in this. And that was before Dean had ever found the spot. Cas swallows at the memory. Something had shifted inside him, that first time. And it wasn’t just because of the sparks sent all the way to his toes and scalp when Dean finally had brushed over
that
spot inside him.
Still, they’ve never done what they are going to do tonight. They would have, Cas guesses, had his heat already arrived. Cas can feel it getting closer every day now, he doesn’t need Missouri or Patience to tell him anymore. It will be a week, at the most, he gathers. Maybe that's why dealing with his own arousal has become easier for him. Why he tolerates getting slick better. Or maybe it’s just because of the way Dean reacts to it, his devotion to making Cas happy and his pride at making Cas feel good enough to get aroused open on his face and in his scent. It makes Cas feel less like his body is betraying him, reacting in this way to an Alpha. Because it’s not reacting to some Alpha, it’s reacting to
Dean
. Dean, who never forgets that Cas is a person. So Cas guesses that that is okay.
Yet they have waited. Because Cas wasn't ready and Dean is content to wait. Would probably be content to wait again today. But that’s not going to happen. Because today is different. Their handfasting was their declaration that they want to be mated, but Cas is greedy enough that he wants the actual mating, too. He doesn’t want to wait any longer.
So he draws Dean into their den with him, doesn’t let the Alpha think or bring up doubts, but pulls him close and kisses him immediately.
Dean lets himself be dragged, too, kisses Cas back thoroughly, his joy at their handfasting permeating the air between them. But he also catches Cas’ hand when Cas goes for the drawstring of Dean’s pants.
“Can we slow down?” Dean asks.
Cas frowns, but he nods, and then Dean leans back in and kisses him some more. And then some more and then some more on top of that, until Cas can feel his bones melt into the softness of their blankets. Only then does Dean let up.
“I’d like us to be naked. Is that okay?”
“Yes,” Cas agrees easily because the room is warm and he’s come to love the sensation of Dean’s skin on his own.
Dean carefully extricates them from their red ribbon, making sure that none of the three knots comes apart. He reverently places it between their pillows before coming back to undress first Cas and then himself.
Cas watches him as he does it. Dean’s face is so open right now, so full of love, and each touch to Cas’ hot skin is so careful and gentle that Cas can’t help but lean into it. To chase Dean’s fingers and then also his mouth.
Dean kisses him with reverence, like he is something beautiful and holy. No, not something,
someone
.
Cas remembers it then, that while it is undoubtedly much nicer to have someone look at him with adoration than with indifference, he is also a person and Dean’s equal and has the same active part in this as Dean.
So he puts his hands on Dean’s chest, lets them play with his muscles, with his hair, with his nipples. Lets them find all the spots that he knows will have Dean arch into his touch. It is exhilarating still, to see how Dean’s body responds to him. How little effort it takes before Dean’s overheated skin becomes wet with sweat while the Alpha uses all his remaining brainpower to hold back so that Cas can explore.
Cas lets one of his hands slide south then to find Dean’s dick. Dean groans, visibly straining to keep himself from just falling forward and onto Cas. It doesn’t look comfortable at all. So Cas puts a hand around Dean’s back and draws him down until he’s on his back and Dean is proffered on his elbows above him. Better.
“Touch me,” Cas whispers in Dean’s ear. “Use your fingers inside me.”
It punches a harsh breath out of the Alpha before he obeys and shifts his weight so that one of his hands can find its way onto Cas’ thigh and then slowly, gently towards his rim, every movement designed not to startle Cas. It makes Cas smile even as Dean circles his rim a few times, increasing the pressure with every pass, a little more slick squeezing out every time.
A soft breath steals its way out from between Cas’ lips as he tries to relax into it. Dean notices and his mouth comes back up to Cas’. They’ve found that that helps, distracting Cas, especially in the beginning. Reminding him that this is nothing like the things that happened to him in the past.
He leans into the kiss greedily, swallowing Dean’s tongue when the Alpha offers it, then licking into Dean’s mouth with the same abandon.
He only really notices the breach into his body when Dean’s clever finger finds the spot that brings the sparks. The one that makes all of this worthwhile in Cas’ opinion. He gasps into Dean’s mouth, seeing stars for a moment. When Dean does it again, his legs fall open a little wider on their own accord.
His nervousness comes back, though, when Dean pushes in a second finger and then a third. They’ve never done more than this. And it’s pushed Cas’ boundaries every time.
“We don’t have to,” Dean murmurs, his voice dark and husky from arousal, but his fingers retreating with the change in Cas’ scent. “Not today and not any day.”
“I know,” Cas says, his own voice dark in his ears, too. “But I want it.”
He pushes his own fingers inside himself, rougher than Dean had been, but then, he’s not trying to give himself pleasure. He’s just scooping up some of his slick to smear it over Dean’s dick.
It’s Dean’s turn to gasp and then to moan as Cas’ grip becomes firmer. He runs his hand along Dean’s shaft a few times, twisting and stroking like he’s learned Dean likes, before nudging Dean forward.
“I think you have to guide yourself. I can’t see.”
“Are you sure?” Dean asks again.
“Yes, Dean, I’m sure. Move.
Now
.”
It punches another breath out of Dean, like Cas had known it would. Because Dean always, always obeys when Cas gives him an order like that between the two of them here in their den.
“Tell me if it becomes too much. I love you. With or without this.”
It takes a lot of focus from Dean, Cas thinks, to be this coherent while also lining himself up. Then coherent thought becomes a little problematic for Cas as well as the pressure against his loosened rim increases. He breathes through it.
This is Dean, this is just Dean. He loves every part of Dean. This is just another part of Dean connecting them.
It doesn’t hurt. The pressure is steady and somewhat uncomfortable, but Dean, in this like in everything else, is gentle. He doesn’t thrust into Cas in one large motion, he inches forward in a rhythm so small, with movements so tiny that Cas has to put his hands on Dean’s hips to really feel the motion.
Dean stops when he’s all the way inside, both of them breathing hard. Cas grabs his own cock and is surprised to find it mostly filled out. He’d expected any arousal to disappear completely with the intrusion into his body. It was hard-earned for him to feel it in the first place, after all. But now he gives his cock an experimental tug and then groans in unison with Dean as his insides tighten up with the spark of pleasure that zings through him. And that - he can deal with that.
“Move, Dean,” he orders while keeping his hand where it is, setting his own rhythm outside while giving control over the rhythm inside to Dean.
Dean puts both his hands down on the bed for better leverage, but he still keeps his movements gentle. There’s a concentrated frown on his face like he’s searching for something, and it’s only when Cas gasps and sees stars again that he understands that it was that spot that Dean was looking for. He doesn’t find it on every stroke, but it’s often enough that warmth begins to pool in Cas’ groin and his hand on his dick grips tighter and strokes faster without Cas’ conscious input.
Dean picks up speed, too, moving to keep Cas’ rhythm, and that’s what he had been doing the whole time, hadn’t he? He’d mirrored Cas’ speed, had his whole attention on how things would feel best for Cas.
The thought falls together with another thrust against the star spot, and that is enough to make Cas fall apart. He shudders and feels his stomach clench and then Dean gasps, obviously feeling the contraction of Cas’ muscles. Cas spills all over his own hand before his muscles go pliant and lax, the world a fuzzy haze of sensation that Cas has experienced too rarely to be used to it yet.
He’s got enough of his wits about him to notice when Dean starts to retreat, though, and to catch him by the butt and pull him in again. “Knot me, Dean. Knot me and then bite me.”
Dean
whimpers
at the words, really outright whimpers, but he doesn’t question it. Instead, he repositions himself, gliding out and then back in without resistance now that Cas’ muscles are relaxed.
Dean puts his nose close to Cas’ neck and Cas bares it for him, tilting his head to give him access. It makes Dean whine and then there is some resistance to Dean’s thrusts suddenly, though it’s not coming from Cas. Dean’s knot is swelling and it makes the Alpha groan and makes him move even closer to scent Cas. There’s no painful tug at Cas’ rim, though, like he’d expected, because Dean keeps his movements small now, small and fast, never pulling out of Cas to any significant amount, just thrusting very shallowly and sniffing at Cas’ neck to find the right spot and -
“Do it, Dean!”
All of Dean's hesitation flies out of the window at the command, and Dean bites down and then his knot swells to completion as he comes and Cas yells, but instead of a sharp pain it’s a rush and a peak and a high and all the colors intensify and Dean’s tongue feels rough and soft at the same time as he soothes the bite, and Cas is still flying high when Dean turns his head, offers his own neck to Cas.
Cas remembers dimly that he was hesitant about this, once upon a time, but he doesn’t remember why because the colors are so beautiful now, and Dean
wants
this, he can
feel
it, and then he’s breaking skin, the perfect place clear as if it was marked with an x on one of the maps the pack uses. The taste of metal grounds him, sweet and warm and
Dean
, and Dean doesn’t scream, he moans, and Cas thinks he feels Dean spill inside him again, and then there’s an overwhelming peak of ecstasy, and it’s not his own feelings, not at first, but then it is, and then it’s a beautiful loop in which they keep touching each other because it brightens the whole world until there’s only bliss.
When Cas wakes up, Dean has put a blanket over them, though with the fire still going in their room, it’s hardly necessary.
Dean is awake already, idly tracing the outline of Cas’ mating bite. He feels - somewhat overwhelmed but happy.
“I can feel your feelings,” Cas states out loud.
Dean nods. “And I yours,” he says with a smile. “Which was quite the experience when knotted to you, I’ve gotta say.”
Cas blushes as he remembers the loop of bliss. “That will - take some getting used to.”
“But it wasn’t bad?” Dean asks worriedly. “You enjoyed it?”
Cas gives him a nonplussed look. “You already know the answer to that, Dean.”
“I would still like to hear it from you. I’m not adept at interpreting your feelings yet.”
And that is a valid point, probably. “I enjoyed it,” Cas confirms. “And I’d be happy to try it again.”
It makes a soft smile appear on Dean’s face.
“What?” Cas asks.
“I can feel that you mean it. That makes me happy. I was worried sometimes, that you were going along mainly to please me.”
“I was. For a while there,” Cas admits. “I enjoy making you feel good, so that was enough for me. But I wouldn’t have continued if something had caused me pain.”
“Did that hurt?” Dean asks and lets his finger glide over the mating bite.
“Weirdly, no,” Cas shakes his head. “It was just - a lot.”
“Yeah,” Dean nods. “Best way I know to describe it, too.”
They both smile at each other, the sensation echoing into something that feels a lot like contentment and peace.
“I love you,” Cas says, even though the feeling is clear in the air between them already.
“And I you,” Dean answers, his love reverberating in the bond.
It is what absolute happiness must feel like, Cas is sure. And he gets to have it.
The knowledge deepens his smile as he snuggles into Dean and basks in the perfection that is their love.