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“I should have been there.”Life was unpredictable and Dick had learned that the hard way. He was familiar with the concept of loss and the pain that came with it, having shed so many tears for every person he had loved and every person who had left him too soon. Yet, today his heart hurt in a way he couldn’t explain. Maybe it was the guilt of knowing that somehow, all of this was partly his fault. If he hadn’t been so negligent, so full of anger, Jason would have been alive.“This was not your fault, Richard. You could not have known,” Kori said, pulling Dick into her arms but even her loving warmth couldn’t give him any comfort.Ever since the day Dick had met Jason, he had known that his successor didn’t really have anyone. A boy who grew up without a family, Bruce was the first person to ever see potential in him. Jason needed a friend, a brother and Dick wanted to be that for him, to give him the emotional support that their adoptive father couldn’t. Yet, in the end, he failed because his feud with Bruce overshadowed everything else. Jason ran off to find his birth mother, all alone. He died, betrayed by the person he so desperately wanted to see and Dick hadn’t even known. Months had passed since the younger’s death and he hadn’t known. He couldn't be there for Jason when he was alive and he couldn't be there for him when he died.Taking in a deep breath, Dick closed his eyes, feeling the wind pick up speed, a storm brewing in the distance. All his life, he had learned to live with a hollowness in his chest, a feeling of being incomplete, something that wouldn’t go away until he found his soulmate. But today, that feeling seemed to be amplified like a part of his soul had been ripped out, leaving him helpless and wanting but nothing could fill the space left behind. Not even the love Kori had given him over the years despite knowing they could never be.“Can you give me some time alone?” Dick asked, needing some space from his girlfriend but Kori didn’t seem to mind as she nodded and gave him a small smile before stepping away. It was a cruel thing to do but right now, Dick didn’t want to mourn Jason while thinking of how the girl he was dating, the one he was sure he loved wasn’t his soul mate.Turning his attention back to the grave, Dick stepped forward and traced Jason’s name, a sigh escaping his lips. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, tears filling his eyes. “I should have been there. I’m so sorry.”Clutching his chest, feeling the ache in his heart, Dick let himself cry for a while, knowing that Jason deserved better than his tears. He was too young to be gone, too young to even know what it meant to live. But he never stood a chance. They had never given him one.Once his tears dried out, Dick wiped his cheeks and stood straight, ready to find Kori and head back to the Titans. He had just turned away from the grave when he started coughing and then continued to do so until his throat hurt. His body shook, eyes blurring once again when the fit finally stopped and Dick could feel something smooth in his mouth. Spitting out what looked like a blue petal, his brows furrowed and he looked around his eyes landed on some forget-me-nots growing in the distance.Shaking his head, Dick let go of the petal and walked to where Kori was waiting for him, never looking back on this incident ever again. He was here again.Years had passed by but whenever Jason’s death anniversary came around, Dick dropped whatever he was doing to visit the boy’s grave. By now, Jason would have been 18 years old and well on his way to finding his soulmate.If Dick had to guess, the younger boy would probably pretend that he didn’t care but on the inside, he would have been afraid, hoping that he would never find a soulmate. But who could blame him? Jason’s parents had been soulmates and their story wasn’t a happy one. While Dick had seen only pure love around him, in the way his parents looked at one another, Jason had seen his mother cry because of the man who was supposed to complete her. He had seen her take to drugs to forget the pain and the emptiness she felt every day. For Jason, soulmates were a sham and he was sure that he would be fine on his own.But now, none of that mattered because Jason was gone and his soulmate would never know.“Yeah, I know. No soulmate this year either,” Dick said with a shrug. Over time, he had started talking to Jason’s grave, wondering if the boy could hear him in the afterlife.If Jason were to hear him now, he would surely roll his eyes and tell Dick he had better things to do. After all, talking about soulmates annoyed the younger.“I honestly thought that Kori could be the one, you know,” Dick sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “I hoped that one day, I’d wake up and feel complete, that she would fill the emptiness inside me but I guess you can’t force something that was never meant to be.”And wasn’t that the truth.Dick had loved Kori more than he had ever loved anyone else. She brought warmth and light into his life, loved him for who he was. But they both knew that they could never give each other what they needed. After all, the tamaraneans didn’t need soulmates to complete them. They were free to love who they chose. And Dick always thought that he could choose Kori. But she wouldn’t have it.Dick hoped that by some miracle, Kori would end up being his soulmate. She would be the one to complete him and all those days they spent together would mean something. But days turned to years and in the end, Kori was not the one for him. Even so, Dick didn’t want things to end. If he could, he would still have the tamaranean by his side but that wouldn’t have been fair to Kori. She deserved to be with someone who would love her completely and someone who wouldn’t leave her for another.“God, what I wouldn’t kill for your lecture on why soulmates aren’t important.” Dick shook his head and then frowned at the grave. “Yes, things are that bad and yes, I’m just that desperate for love. You know that about me, Jay.”What am I going to do with you, Dickiebird? That’s what Jason would have said, what he had said a number of times when they hung out and Dick forced him into cuddles.Dick was a physical being and things just didn’t feel right until he at least hugged the people he loved. He especially made sure to hug Jason when he visited because even though the younger resisted, screamed and glared, he knew it was all an act and Dick never questioned it.“I guess I’ll see you next year, Jay.” Dick smiled and then took in a shaky breath, his chest hurting. He thought that over the years, the guilt of not being there for Jason would go away but it never did. The pain had always been there. “I miss you,” he added and then turned away from the grave, ready to go home.As he walked away, with a sad heart Dick noticed that the forget-me-nots that grew beside Jason’s grave had died, crushed under someone’s foot.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Want you to fight me back, love me fast, drive me mad like you used to.”
Humming along to the song playing, Dick felt oddly relaxed as he drove back to Bludhaven. Window rolled down, wind running through his hair, all his stress seemed to disappear even though he would be back to work the next day. For now, he wanted to spend his day off doing absolutely nothing.Ever since Dick had moved to Bludhaven, wanting to start over in a place where no one knew him, away from the shadow of Bruce Wayne, life had been hectic. Police officer by day and vigilante by night, between cleaning up the BPD and the gangs from the city, Dick was constantly jumping from one place to another. Sometimes, he stayed at the police station even after his shift was over and sometimes, he flew across the city hours after his patrol was finished. This meant he barely had any time to sleep but that was okay. For a good cause, a few sacrifices were necessary. Keeping busy distracted him from any unnecessary thoughts.But that also didn’t mean he didn’t appreciate his days off, especially when he didn’t have to go for patrol in the night. Today, as always, he drove back to Gotham to see Alfred as he did on every holiday, making sure to keep in touch with butler even if he avoided Bruce on most days. Just because he had a love-hate relationship with his adoptive father, it didn’t mean he’d take it out on Alfred. The man had done too much for Dick to be ignored.
“Wish I could lose myself in you like I used to. Wish I could love you.”
Fingers gripping the steering wheel, Dick reached out to switch off the radio, suddenly not in the mood for music and just as he did that, his phone started ringing, an interruption that helped him ignore the knot forming in his stomach.Fishing out his phone from his pocket, Dick checked the caller ID, brows furrowing when he saw Alfred’s name. He had just said goodbye to the man after enjoying a peaceful lunch. What could have happened in such a short time?“Hey, Alf. Everything okay?” Dick asked, answering the call only to be met with a sigh.“Master Dick, I have some bad news. Master Bruce did not want any of you involved but things have gotten out of hand,” Alfred answered and Dick’s grip on the steering wheel only tightened.It wasn’t new for Bruce to hide things from the family, sharing only what he thought others needed to know. While the older believed his actions were for the good of everyone involved, it put a lot of strain on his relationships because it was just hard to trust him at times.“What’s going on?” Dick asked, the feeling of serenity gone.“A new player calling himself the Red Hood has emerged in Gotham,” the butler started. Dick had heard of him before, someone who had taken on the Joker’s earliest persona. “A few hours ago, the Red Hood broke into the Titans Tower and attacked Master Timothy.”Dread settled in the pit of Dick’s stomach, Jason’s face coming to mind as Alfred spoke. He remembered the younger’s smile, his enthusiasm and finally, the gravestone that held his name. Dick had already failed Jason, he couldn’t fail and lose another.“The young master is safe, though, severely injured.” Alfred finished.Without another word, Dick turned the car around. Grey clouds hovered over Gotham, rain pelting down on anyone that dared to step outside. There were no stars and no moon to shed light on the city, leaving its residents to fend off the darkness and everything that lurked within its embrace. Dick crouched on the edge of a roof, taking in the view as water soaked through his hair, trickling down his skin and onto his suit. The monsters that screamed every night seemed to be silent, maybe afraid of the rain. No one would blame him for returning back to the manor but his instincts compelled him to stay out. After what had happened today, Dick couldn’t afford to mess up, especially since Batman was out of town on a sudden League mission.After hearing the news from Alfred, Dick had made a hasty return to Gotham, confronting Bruce over keeping secrets (again) and then going over his files on the Red Hood. But even as he kept on reading, he could sense there was something missing in those files, something that Bruce knew but wasn’t willing to share. Dick was too exhausted to fight again so he kept his mouth shut and watched Batman walk away. Then he made a call to the Titans to check in on Tim.Maybe on his next day free, he would arrange for Tim to come down to Bludhaven and catch up with his baby brother.Taking a deep breath, Dick got to his feet, ready to continue his patrol when his comms crackled, Oracle’s voice coming through. “Red Hood has been spotted heading to the port.”“On it.” And with that Dick leaped, hands spread, soaring for a few seconds like a bird in the sky before shooting his grapple.Taking a route that would allow him to intercept the Red Hood before he reached the port, Dick’s mind raced with questions that he needed to answer before the confrontation. From what he’d seen in the files, this new villain wanted absolute control over Gotham’s drug trade and he didn’t hesitate to spill blood to reach his goal. The Red Hood was smart and skilled enough to outsmart Batman on several occasions. But the thing that bothered Dick the most was how well the villain knew Batman and the way the vigilante’s mind worked. Maybe he was someone who had been watching the Bat for a long time but Dick couldn’t be sure. The only person who was sure of Red Hood’s true identity was Bruce and for some reason, he wasn’t willing to share that information.
What if he’s someone who has worked with Batman before?
Shaking his head, Dick let go of the thought as the Red Hood came into sight. There was no way that someone who he knew would ever stoop to this level, there was no way that the name his mind whispered over and over could ever do such a thing. Somethings were simply impossible.Dick crashed into the Red Hood just as the other took out his grapple gun, ready to shoot. Tackling the masked villain to the ground, Dick used his body to hold down the Hood, pining the larger man’s hands above his head. Any other time, he would have a quip to go along with his actions but all he could remember was Tim and how the younger was injured.“Not gonna say hello?” Red Hood asked, words dripping in venom.“What the hell do you want from Gotham?” Dick asked, getting down to business.Under his hold, the Red Hood chuckled, his body shaking with uncontrolled laughter. “Is daddy bats still hiding things from you, Dickiebird?”A gasp escaped Dick’s lips, his body freezing at the Red Hood’s words. The man knew his secret identity and that should have been the only thing bothering him, that should have been his only priority. But the thing that turned the blood in his veins to ice was the nickname that had been uttered, his mind chanting the same name as before over and over.“How do you know that name?!” Dick demanded because there was no way his mind was right. It had to be a mistake, a trick played on them by someone who had learned of their pasts.For a while, there were no words exchanged, only silence until the Red Hood flipped their positions, using the same method to hold Dick down. “You really don’t know, do you?”“I know everything I need to know,” Dick spat even if it wasn’t the truth. He so desperately wanted to see the man beneath the hood, to prove himself wrong so he could lay to the rest the memory of the boy he had cared for so dearly.Another laugh escaped the Hood, broken and angry as he shook his head. “Bats really is a piece of work,” he whispered, his hold on Dick loosening. “Oh, Dickie, what am I going to do with you?”And that’s when Dick’s resolve to deny the truth broke down.A string of denials escaped his lips, tears slipping from his eyes and mixing in with rainwater as he untangled his hands from the Hoods. Reaching out for the helmet, he traced the smooth cover with his fingers before trying to take it off, something that was stopped with a calming hand. “If you do that, you’ll blow us both up,” Hood whispered undoing the safety on his helmet.Dick watched with horror in his eyes as the Red Hood finally took off his helmet, time slowed down around them.He was older now, his body built similar to Bruce’s with the broad shoulders and well defined muscles. Messy black hair fell around his unshaven face, a shocking tuft of white blooming in the front. But despite the many changes, the blue eyes turned green, the man before him was Jason. There was just no doubt.A choked sobbed escaped Dick’s lips, followed by another and then another until he was pulling off his gloves to feel Jason’s skin beneath his fingers, to know that the man before him was real.But just as his fingers brushed against Jason’s cheeks, fire igniting in his veins, his body was slammed back into the ground, a gloved hand wrapped around his throat. Jason’s eyes stared at him with anger and hatred, something he had never seen in the younger before. “You think your tricks will work on me?” he demanded as Dick struggled against his hold, gasping for air.“You won’t stop me with water works, Dickhead. I’ll get what I want, even if that means taking you down,” Jason whispered into Dick’s ear before pulling back and letting go of Dick’s throat after one last squeeze. “Stay the fuck out of my way,” he added and before Dick could react, the Red Hood replaced the young boy who loved to read to him and grappled away.This time, Dick didn’t follow him. Instead, he curled up in the rain, feeling fire where his fingers touched Jason’s skin, a wholeness in heart and fear in his chest. Dick sat in darkness, back in his Bludhaven apartment and away from the prying eyes of his family. He had left without a word and he was sure that someone would come by to check on him soon but right now, he needed to be alone.With trembling fingers, he picked up a picture of his parents, tracing the smiles on their faces, the love in their eyes when they looked at one another. As soulmates they had been complete, the perfect fit and they had taught him everything he knew about love. All his life, Dick wanted a relationship like theirs, maybe something even better and maybe that’s why life had played such a cruel joke on him.After a lifetime of hollowness, of being incomplete, Dick was now full, his cup overflowing with warmth but he couldn’t be happy, not when he could still feel Jason’s fingers wrapped around his throat. He was complete yet empty because the man meant to make him whole, the one who was supposed to fit him just right, that man could never love him.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“I’m only honest when it rains, If I time it right the thunder breaks, When I open my mouth, I wanna tell you but I don’t know how.” Love is fulfilling.Love is forgiving.Growing up, weaving stories about true love’s magical kiss that could break through any curse, Dick painted a happily ever after, a small house with a white picket fence, wooden floors that echoed with the pitter patter of small feet, a warm bed and shared sheets, a silver band on his finger and the promise of forever on his lips. It was a perfect dream, knitted with the finest threads his imagination could conjure, sketched down into a small notebook he kept under his pillow before his mother kissed him goodnight.Love was everywhere he looked. It was in the way his parents still held hands as they walked down the streets. It was in the way Zitka wrapped her trunk around his tiny waist and kept him warm. It was in the way his arms spread wide as he took a leap of faith, flying becoming just as easy as breathing. It was in him, fused into his blood, born from a union so pure. And he could never question it, never doubt it. He could only hope he would be blessed with enough to fill his half-empty cup.But there was a lesson to be learned before he could taste love on his lips, a reminder that fairy tales were simply stories to make reality seem tame, to give hope in a world where darkness always followed light. If there was nothing but happiness in his life, then a storm was brewing in the distance, growing stronger with each passing moment of bliss.The storm came for Dick when he was eight years old in the form of the fortune teller, Amara. Vibrant and full of life, her emerald eyes shimmered with mischief, skin radiant and warm. She was the embodiment of light, seeing hope where others only saw pain, finding the strength to go on after every trial. She was so beautiful, so kind yet love treated her so wrong, broke her down to a million pieces that wouldn’t fit every time she tried to get up. Her soulmate was a man with wandering eyes, a man who promised her a lifetime, a family and a home but a man who left her alone every night, warming someone else’s bed, a man who stole from her the hope of having a child. Soulmates were meant to complete one another yet he took from her until she had nothing left to give. Then he walked away without a second thought, trampling her hopes under his feet.The worst was supposed to be over after he left. The sun was supposed to rise, a chance for her to start again, yet, soon petals pink and soft slipped from between her lips. Her skin lost its radiance, turning waxy and wrinkled, the light in her eyes dulling, leaving her but a ghost of who she used to be. She inhaled air, exhaled cherry blossoms – her soulmates favorite flower, a cruel reminder of all that she had lost. Her smile was lost, never uttering a word, something had broken inside of her.And then, one day, she smiled. Lips stained red from the blood that she had thrown up along with crimson petals, she smiled and Dick should have been afraid but as her warm fingers brushed through his hair, all he could do was return her smile and pray upon the stars for a miracle.The next day, she was gone.Maybe that was the miracle he had prayed for, a release from the pain growing within her chest. She lay on her bed, petals covering her sheets as a thin, bloodstained branch grew out of her mouth, covered in blooming flowers, making her look like a princess waiting for her prince’s kiss. But Dick knew better.When they put her in the ground, telling stories of the person she used to be, Dick buried his notebook with her, letting go of the dreams he had knit, knowing that it would never be that easy.And how right he had been.Sitting on the front porch, Dick stared at the soft petal in his palm, one that he had coughed up a while ago. Inside, his siblings were celebrating the end of a long and winding case and while he wanted to be part of their happiness, his body said otherwise. Hanahaki was a cruel disease, slipping in unnoticed, planting its roots deep inside. The smarter thing would have been to tell his family about his condition but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Revealing the truth would mean forcing Jason into a situation the younger couldn’t possibly be comfortable with. He had just recently been brought back into the fold. The last thing Dick wanted to do was chase him away.Another option was surgery. All they had to do was remove the flower growing inside his lungs, end the disease but also ending his capability to love. He was someone who had grown up in the presence of love, someone who had craved it and now, he didn’t know how to live without it. He wasn’t Bruce, he didn’t have it in him to make the choice and live with it. Even though it was a cruel decision on his part, he would rather suffer and still love than never love at all.“Hey, what are you doing here?” a voice asked and Dick immediately closed his fist, his heart hammering in his chest. He had been so lost in his thoughts, he hadn’t even noticed when the door opened.Looking up at Jason and smiling, Dick just shrugged his shoulders. “Just needed to be alone for a bit.”The younger didn’t say anything as he turned his gaze to the night sky, feeling the cool wind on his skin, smiling peacefully. And Dick couldn’t help but stare at the man who once used to be a scrawny little brat. Through all the fighting, the curses thrown like weapons, somehow, Dick had fallen in love with the person Jason had grown up to be, strong, determined but gentle and that was another cruel joke in itself because the younger had expressed his dislike for him more than once.“So, you heading back to the Haven tonight or…?” Jason asked and Dick immediately looked away, hoping that he hadn’t been caught staring.“I have to head back. There are only so many leaves I can take from my day job,” Dick answered and that was a lie. He had been fired from his job at the BPD some time ago, his actions drawing the wrong kind of attention. There had been so much frustration and anger on his part but there was nothing he could do about it.“Seriously, Dickie? You’re gonna burn yourself out working two jobs,” Jason sighed, his lips turning into a frown and worry in his eyes, not knowing that his words gave Dick hope for something that couldn’t be, hope that he would have to crush, tether himself to reality.“I like my job.” Dick pouted and that was the truth. It kept him busy and as long as he was busy, he wasn’t thinking of unnecessary things. He wasn’t thinking of how much time he had left.“You’re an idiot.” Jason shook his head and then held out his hand for Dick to take. “Come on, Steph is more than ready to break out the monopoly board. A game or two can’t hurt before you leave.”Dick stared at the hand held out for him, the easy smile on Jason’s face and his stomach turned. Ever since the incident on the rooftop, he had been avoiding any kind of physical contact with the younger. It was obvious that Jason hadn’t noticed their connection and as long as they didn’t touch, skin against skin, he never would. It was for the best, Dick had told himself. It was for the best, he had chanted every night before going to sleep. It was for the best, but somehow he wasn’t convinced.Noticing the hesitation on Dick’s face, Jason pulled back his hand, eyes shining green with anger. “So, that’s how its gonna be huh? Am I too disgusting for you to touch, Golden Boy?” he sneered.“That’s not it, Jason,” Dick whispered, feeling a dull ache in his chest.“Spare me your excuses,” Jason spat as he turned around to walk away.Before even realizing what he was doing, Dick’s fingers clutched onto Jason’s sleeve, stopping the younger from storming away. Immediately, he pulled his hand back, cursing himself as Jason stared at him, confused and angry.“It’s—It’s not about you, Jay. Really,” Dick said, trying to sound as convincing as he could.Jason’s eyes drilled into him, almost as if he could see into his soul and for a minute Dick was scared, scared that he knew, that he felt what Dick felt every night. But then, he was looking away with a sigh, fingers pinching the nose of his bridge. “Then what it is it?”Clenching his fingers, Dick felt his mouth go dry, the dull ache becoming more prominent as he swallowed his own spit. “I can’t tell you,” he whispered, wanting nothing more than to run away because he could feel a fit coming and he didn’t want Jason to know.He didn’t want to force Jason into something he never wanted. After all, the younger still spoke of love like it was a curse he wouldn’t wish upon anyone.Jason snorted and shook his head, body trembling with anger as he gripped the doorknob. “You and Bruce really are just the same. It’s no surprise that no one can love you,” he spat and Dick felt his heart sink.Taking a step back, he did his best not to fall to his knees, to break down in tears, his body screaming at him to hold Jason, to ease his pain. And it would be so easy, all he had to do was reach out. “I should go,” Dick said.Jason nodded as he opened the door. “You should.” And then he was gone.Dick turned around and walked to his bike, going as fast as his feet would carry him. His palm covered his mouth as he coughed and coughed until blood splattered onto his skin along with a flower, a forget-me-not in full bloom, it’s petals stained crimson. Shoving the flower in his pocket, he wiped his lips, pulled out his keys and drove away before the tears hit.All his life, he had wanted love. He had dreamed of it and now he had it.Maybe Jason was right. Maybe love really was a curse because now he had it and it was killing him from the inside.“I’m only honest when it rains, An open book with a torn out page, And my ink’s run out, I wanna love you but I don’t know how.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
As a child, Dick had always wondered what it would be like to meet his soulmate. Would it be a meeting where they would introduce themselves, reaching out for a handshake only to feel sparks igniting in their veins? Or would it be something as simple as bumping into someone, only to find forever in each other’s eyes? Would there be fireworks and tears? Lying in bed, that’s all he thought about, hoping to dream of cute scenarios, hoping that somehow he’d get a glimpse into his future, into his happily ever after.Never in his lifetime did he imagine that he would be waking up to find himself lying in a pool of his own blood, dry petals sticking to his lips and floating across the floor. Struggling to push himself off the floor, Dick winced as his head pounded with pain, limbs so weak that he couldn’t even stand without falling back down. Outside the sun had started to set, an orange hue spreading across the sky and mingling with purple, the moon slowly peeking out while a lone star shone in the sky, watching him, pitying him. By now, he was supposed to be dressed for patrol, ready to head out but his body didn’t agree. It hadn’t been agreeing for the past few days. Either he didn’t go out at all or he had to turn in early and pay the price for hoping he could fly without feeling the pain of still being alive.In the starting, despite the pain, Dick still went out on patrol because he knew that Bludhaven was worse than Gotham. The people here were in constant danger and they needed him. Someone had to save the little man because the police sure as hell wasn’t going to. After all, Dick had failed in his job of cleaning out the BPD and corruption was still rampant there, a constant reminder of his failure. By now, Dick should have been used to failing but a part of him still hoped that someday he would do something right.Dick went out, ignored the pain in his body and fought until he was ready to pass out. He grew careless, thinking that no one would notice the roots that had started to spread across his chest. As long as his uniform covered him, he would be okay. But he forgot one important detail, the more the roots grew, the worse his condition would get.All he had to do was stop a mugging but as he finished apprehending the criminal, knocking him out with one swing of his escrima sticks and was getting ready to call the police, pain shot through his body, bringing him down to his knees. He could feel vines twisting in his throat, sticking to the walls and disrupting air flow, leaving him choking and struggling to breathe. Somehow, he had managed to use his grapple to get away before someone worse showed up and soon he had thrown up flowers after flowers until he had nothing left to give. The worst part was that Barbara had sent Tim to check on him when he didn’t respond to her message. The younger had almost seen Dick at his worst, almost found out the one secret he had been hiding from everyone.Stumbling to the kitchen sink, Dick turned on the water, washing the blood off his face and out of his mouth. Once he felt clean enough, he grabbed some food from his fridge, his stomach grumbling at the thought and reminding him that he needed to keep himself fed if he wanted to make up for all the blood he had lost. He knew that as the disease escalated, he would need blood bags soon and it wouldn’t be easy to get them without raising suspicion. But that was a problem for another time.As he was shoveling leftovers into his mouth, chugging down on energy drinks, his phone rang and Dick wondered who was calling him. Everyone knew that he was taking another day off. Even though Dick had barely shown his face during patrol, having pretty much stopped all contact with his family, no one really seemed to care. The whole family was busy with their own work, their own lives and they didn’t seem to miss his presence. Sometimes Barbara would call him and sometimes Tim would visit but those interactions were always short. The thing that stung the most was that Bruce didn’t notice he was gone. Not once had he made the effort to reach out to Dick. It was almost as if his adoptive father had given up on him since he had become a liability instead of an asset. And Jason? Well, Dick hadn’t seen Jason in months. All he knew was that his soulmate was now traveling with Kori and Roy, doing whatever it is that the Red Hood did. Every time he did visit, he seemed to be happy, proving that he didn’t need Dick in his life.At this point, it seemed that no one did.Answering his phone, Dick put it on speaker so he could eat and talk. “Hello?” he asked with a mouthful of chicken.“Dick? Listen I know today is your day off but I need your help,” Tim answered, sounding out of breath.“What’s wrong?” Dick asked, brows furrowed as he put aside his food.“According to Bruce, there’s a list out there with all our names and an assassin, a girl named Cassandra Cain seems to know that list by heart,” Tim started but he was cut off by Dick.“Wait, why didn’t I know about this before?” he asked because from the way Tim spoke, this didn’t seem like a recent development.“Uh… ask Bruce? I’m really sorry I really don’t have time to explain. I need you to go find Jason. The last I heard, he was in Bludhaven to get some information and I know that the assassin, she’s going after him. Cassandra’s trying to protect us but Jason doesn’t know that so you need to find him because I can’t get in touch with him,” Tim explained and Dick’s heart sunk.A strong part of him was ready to put on his suit and find Jason as soon as possible. He had already lost the younger once and he couldn’t go through it again, not when Jason was so close. But another part of him knew that even if he went out, his body was too weak to be of help and if he made even the tiniest mistake, everyone would know his secret.But even so, Dick was pushing himself to his feet. “Got it. Send me the coordinates,” he said, cutting the call.Within minutes, he was dressed in his suit and flying out the window even though his chest hurt. Ignoring the pain that seemed to increase with each passing second, Dick headed towards the bar where Jason was supposed to meet his mark only to find people rushing out of it in fear. Some of the windows of the bar had been smashed and from what he could hear, there seemed to be a fight going on inside. Forgetting his pain, the nagging voice in his head that demanding he be careful fading away, Dick dove into the battle headfirst, only to find Jason ready to cut Cassandra, the assassin with the blades attached on his gauntlet. Even though she was so young, from the way she moved, from the way she watched him, Dick could tell that she was the assassin Tim had been talking about.Grabbing Jason by his arm, Dick slammed him into the bar. “Take a seat at the bar and relax,” he said, feeling the pain in his body subside just by being in soulmates presence.Pushing Dick away, Jason stood up, anger coming off him in waves. “She attacked me!” he defended and Dick held up his hand in surrender, making sure to put himself between his soulmate and Cassandra.“She’s not your enemy. Her name is Cassandra and she was trying to protect you,” he explained but he could tell that Jason wasn’t convinced. “We’ve all been targeted. You can ask Tim if you’re not convinced.”Jason seemed to watch Dick and Cassandra for a while before his body relaxed and he turned towards the bar to pour himself a beer. Carefully, Dick sat down beside him, not knowing if he had caught the younger on a bad or a good time. “Well, she interrupted a game of pool that I was going to lose so I guess I owe her five hundred bucks.”Glancing back at Cassandra, Dick gave her a small smile before turning back to Jason who had now removed his helmet to drink his beer. “Gambling on the job, Jay? For shame!” he joked.“Hey! Not everyone lives on Bruce’s money. I make a living where I can.” Jason shrugged, taking a sip of his beer.Silence fell between the two and even though he should have looked away, Dick couldn’t help but stare at Jason. It had been a while since he had seen the younger, a while since there was no pain, no suffering, just warmth. These moments were so rare and Dick treasured them so much.“So, wasn’t today supposed to be your day off?” Jason asked, breaking the silence.“Someone had to come save you so I volunteered,” Dick answered with a smirk, making Jason raise his eyebrows. Ever since their fall out at the manor, Dick had been afraid that he wouldn’t be able to talk to his soulmate anymore, that Jason would stay far away from him. But the next time they met, all seemed to be forgiven and forgotten as they worked together cracking jokes and taking down bad guys.“Are you supposed to be my prince charming?” Jason asked.Dick smirked. “Are you calling yourself a damsel?”“Nah. If it came down to it, I think you’d be the princess.” Jason snorted, finishing his beer and filling up his glass.“Well, I would pull off a dress better than you.”“You wish, Dickie. You wish.”“Jokes aside,” Jason said, his voice turning serious. “Are you okay? You’ve been taking so many days off, not that I mind. But knowing you, you’d be out fighting crime even if you were down with the flu.”Dick felt his heart swell as Jason stared into his eyes, showing that he cared, that someone cared and he swallowed his own spit, averting his gaze as he put on a smile. “Well, maybe I’m just getting old. Maybe I realize that I’m not really cut out for this life.”“What are you talking about?” Jason asked, confused.“Let’s face it, Jay, I’m no good. Unlike you and Tim, I’m not very smart nor can I fight all that well. Most of my solo missions end in a disaster,” Dick started, a sad smile on his face. “Hell, I couldn’t even clean out a police department. I might have been the first Robin but I never deserved that spot, not like you and Tim do.” Intertwining his fingers, Dick stared at the wooden bar, feeling his gut churn as he opened his mouth. “It’s time for me to quit.”“What the fuck?!” Jason snapped, startling Dick, eyes alight with anger. “I didn’t spend years trying to be as good as the original Robin for you to sit here and degrade yourself. I don’t know what the fuck is going through that mind of yours but you gave meaning to Robin, you gave meaning to me and the rest of the goddamn family. You are Dick mother-fucking Grayson, the golden boy and no one can ever take your place or be as good as you were.” Jason looked away, his ears turning red from embarrassment. “And if you still want to quit, then good. This life has taken too many good people and you deserve a chance at something better.”Meeting his eyes, Jason grinned. “And who knows? Maybe after that, you’ll find the soulmate you always wanted.”And there it was again, the pain Dick had been trying to learn to live with. His soulmate was sitting right before him and he couldn’t hold him, he couldn’t love him.“I should-” Dick started, getting off the stool he was sitting in, ready to run away when suddenly Cassandra was standing right in front of Jason.She lifted her hand, face devoid of emotion as she touched Jason’s fist, leaving the man confused. Then, she turned her attention to Dick.With the way she watched him, eyes full of pity and lips pulled into a frown, Dick felt like she could see right through him, see all the secrets that he was hiding as she placed her hand over his lungs, over the place where the roots became one with his skin. But before Dick or Jason could question her actions, Tim burst through the door.“Oh, thank god. You’re both alright,” Tim whispered, taking a startled step back as Cassandra placed her hand on his forehead. “Uh, okay?”Stomach twisting with fear, Dick stepped away from both his brothers. “I need to go,” he said as calmly as he could, hoping that he hadn’t given himself away. Jason, stoic and composed, simply nodded before turning back to his drink while Tim raised his hand to stop him but Dick didn’t wait. He couldn’t.Rushing out of the bar, he barely made it into an alley before he was throwing up blood and flowers, clutching his chest. Weakened and still retching, Dick stared at the ground in fear and confusion because the flowers growing inside him had changed. There were no longer forget-me-nots but instead, pure, white rose petals. But before he could even wonder why this was happening, his knees hit the ground, too weak to hold up his body, vision swimming.“Nightwing!” he heard someone scream.Then everything went black. When Dick opened his eyes, he found himself tucked into his bed, stripped out his uniform. Groggy and confused, he sat up straight, wincing as his whole body ached. Looking down at his chest, he could see the roots spreading towards his heart but right now, he couldn’t worry about that. He needed to remember what he did last night, how he ended up here.The first thing Dick remembered was Tim’s call, the worry he felt at the prospect of Jason being in danger. He remembered finding Jason, talking to the younger, the memory reminding him of the warmth he felt only when his soulmate was around. But then, fear pumped through his veins as he remembered passing out in the alley next to the bar, the blood that spilled from his lips and the flower that came with it. Someone had followed him and called out to him as he hit the ground, someone who he so desperately hoped wasn’t Jason.“Oh, you’re awake,” Tim said, stepping into Dick’s room, a cup of coffee in his hand and while he looked calm, there was anger in his eyes.“Tim I-” Dick started but the younger cut him off.“That’s good because now you can explain why you didn’t tell anyone about developing Hanahaki before I drag you to the cave.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“I’ve realized nothing I do feels right, Lost in my head and out of sight, Dreaming of the day when I would leave, And what the world has left for me.”It was the first day of spring.Curled up among the blooming flowers, Dick stared at Amara, the smile on her face, raven hair swaying with the wind and jade eyes that glowed with happiness. A book open in her lap, she read passages out loud for him, a story about star crossed lovers that defied all odds to be together. The words resonated with their pain, their strife, and anger. To be close to one another but never able to touch, to taste only a drop of love and nothing more. As pages turned, chapters finished, Dick wanted nothing more than an ending with a happily ever after. But then, Amara closed her book, smiled mischievously and promised that she would end his curiosity next time.But next time never came.Amara was gone and the book she read from was lost. Maybe it was packed away with the rest of her belongings or buried with her. But it didn’t matter to Dick because even if that story didn’t have a happy ending, his would. After all, soulmates were meant to be, two pieces that fit each other perfectly. Maybe it hadn’t worked out for Amara and so many other people but for him, it would be different. It had to be different.And yet, for some reason, it wasn’t.“This is ridiculous,” Tim muttered, running his hand through his hair in frustration.Dick had never wanted anyone to know about his condition. He had never planned for his younger brother to see him at his worst. After all, for the family, Dick had always tried to be brave, he had tried to put on a smile and assure them that he wouldn’t waver if they leaned on him. “Tim, listen- ” he started but was cut off as the younger shot him a glare.“No! I’ve heard enough and this is ridiculous, Dick! You can’t just expect me to sit around and watch you die!” Tim shouted, anger coming off him in waves as he gripped his brother’s hand, hoping he would understand.“Force me to get the surgery and you’ll kill me anyway!” Dick snapped, wincing and regretting his words as Tim reeled away. “I can’t live like that Tim. I can’t live knowing that I’ll never feel love again, for you, for anyone,” he whispered, voice lowered but wavering because of the tears he wasn’t ready to shed. Tim had already seen him at his worst once.“But you’ll be alive,” Tim whispered and Dick understood where he was coming from.If their places had been exchanged, he would have done everything he could to save his baby brother, to see him happy once again. But right now, for once, Dick wanted to be selfish. He wanted to feel for as long as he could, feel until he took his last breath. “I can’t do it, Tim. I’m not as strong as Bruce. I’m just not.”“You won’t be like him, Dick! I know you won’t. Bruce was always had a hard time with emotions,” Tim said.Dick smiled at his words and shook his head, remembering the man who held him close when the storms kept him up at night, the man who gave him a new life after he lost his family. “You’ve never known Bruce the way I have. Even if he had a hard time showing it, he loved and he cared. He was so warm,” Dick whispered, his heart aching, reminded of Bruce’s rare smiles, now lost forever.Taking a deep breath, Dick took Tim’s hand in his, staring into his brother’s eyes. “I know this is hard for you to understand. I never wanted you to find out this way… or to find out at all,” he started.Nose flaring with anger, Tim opened his mouth. “Dick-”“But I want you to promise me that you won’t tell anyone.” Dick went on and his brother shook his head.“No. I can’t do that. You can’t expect me to do that!” he exclaimed.“I know what I’m asking of you is too much but Tim, please. I’m begging you. Please don’t tell anyone.”It was a cruel thing to do. Dick knew that and he hated to see the tears in his brother’s eyes. But right now, he had no choice.“Maybe we could find your soulmate!” Tim started, eyes lighting up.“There’s no point.” Dick cut him off. “They don’t want me.”Helpless and at a loss, Tim just stared at Dick with wide eyes filling with tears, searching for the words that could fix everything, that could convince his brother to change his mind but there was nothing. “Dick, please,” he whispered one last time but his brother just shook his head.“Promise me, Tim.”“I can’t.”“Tim, please. Promise me.”Staring at the hand that held his, the eyes that bore into him, Tim bowed his head, nodding lightly. “I promise,” he whispered, the words leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.But then, Dick smiled and pulled his brother into a hug. “Thank you, Timmy. Thank you so much,” he said as if Tim had saved his life.
“Your eyes say so much to me.”
“I’ll visit again.”Standing outside Dick’s apartment, Tim fell into his brother’s arms one last time, eyes squeezed shut as he listened to his heartbeat, still normal despite his condition. There was time. They still had time.“Thank you for understanding,” Dick whispered and then let go of Tim, a soft smile on his face that made the younger’s heartache.With a wave, Tim headed down the hall, hearing the sound of the door close behind him. His mind reeled with information as he waited for the elevator, the promise he had made coming back to haunt him over and over again. His brother was dying but Tim was expected no to do anything, to just stand back and watch him waste away from something as trivial as love.Dick was a good man, someone who had dedicated his life to helping others. For him to be lost because of something like Hanahaki, it didn’t make sense. He didn’t deserve that. He could never deserve that. And he knew that he promised not to tell anyone, to keep Dick’s secret but Tim was sure that his brother wasn’t thinking rationally. His judgment was clouded.As the elevator door opened, Tim stepped inside and pulled out his phone. He had promised he wouldn’t say a word but that was a lie.“Hey Alf, when is B coming back from his off-world mission?” Tim asked.He wasn’t going to let his brother die. Dick stared at his reflection in the mirror, pale skin, cheeks sunken in, the dark circles under his eyes and he could barely recognize himself. Placing a hand on his chest, he traced the dark roots that were embedded into his skin, following their path as they reached out towards his heart. It would all be over soon but he didn’t want to think about that. Not now. Not ever. The idea of dying was too daunting and even though he had been prepared for it his whole life, it didn’t get easier.Closing his eyes, taking a deep breath, he focused on more important things, like the fact that Tim knew his secret and even though the younger had promised he wouldn’t tell anyone, Dick knew that was a lie. Tim was the rational one and there was no way that he wouldn’t tell Bruce everything which left Dick with one choice.Shrugging on a shirt, Dick headed out of the bathroom and picked up the duffle bag he had packed just as Tim had left. The plan had been to spend his remaining time with the people he loved, ensuring that they knew how much each of them meant to him, that they had someone to fall back on when he was gone. But now, Dick couldn’t do that. He had to leave, go to a place where no one knew his name, where he couldn’t be found. It hurt to know that he wouldn’t be able to see the faces of his family one last time and maybe it hurt more than knowing his soulmate would never love him but this was for the best.Wasn’t it?With a letter placed on the table, for anyone who would come looking, Dick pocketed a family picture, looked around one last time and said goodbye.
“Nobody knows who I am, I’ve got intentions of gold with my plans.”
Wings spread, Dick flew into the sky, laughing as the wind caressed his face, as strong hands gripped onto him, Jason coming into sight. Body relaxed and eyes filled with warmth, Jason traced Dick’s skin with his fingers, wrapping his soulmate in love. Hands held, kisses shared, they soared, no one existing in this world apart from them.But then, the sun went down and Jason was ripped out of Dick’s hands.Wide-eyed and scared, Dick opened his mouth to scream but there was no sound. A thick vine wrapped around his leg, another tearing through his wings so he couldn’t fly again. Hands stretched out, Dick reached out for Jason, tears streaking his face but the younger just watched him from afar, lips pressed together and disgust in his eyes.“Who could ever love you?” he asked.And Dick woke up with a start.Confused and disoriented, he looked around, trying to make sense of his surroundings. The last thing he remembered was almost reaching the Bludhaven city limits before passing out. His bike should have crashed but there no injuries on his body. He should have been in a hospital but instead, he found himself in a stranger’s room.Seeing the numerous plants that filled the room, some moving of their own accord, Dick had a sinking feeling. It couldn’t be. No one had seen her for years now.But then, the door opened and the woman who once called herself Poison Ivy stepped in. Just that, instead of her usual costume, she was dressed in a loose shirt and shorts, red hair tied into a tight bun. Placing a mug on the bedside table, she sat down beside Dick, smiling gently. “How do you feel?” she asked.“I—How did I get here?” Dick asked and Ivy reached out her hand, placing it on his chest.“I can feel it, you know. Your pain, their pain,” she said, her voice sorrowful.Dick resisted the urge to push her away, remembering that Ivy had retired from the game long ago. She hadn’t hurt another person in years, stayed out of sight and out of mind. If he played his cards right, he could get out of here unharmed. He just had to be calm and careful.“Their pain?” he asked, humoring her while taking in all points of exit.“The flowers,” she whispered, her answer making Dick stiffen. “They speak to me, their pain speaks to me.”Not knowing how to feel about someone else knowing, Dick looked away, fingers gripping the bedsheet. But Ivy didn’t pull back, instead, she placed her hand on his chin and forced him to look at her. “Why do you continue to suffer?”“What choice do I have?” he asked, voice trembling.Ivy stared at Dick for a while, as if searching for something in his eyes but sighing, disappointed when she couldn’t find it. “There was a time when I was just like you. My soulmate was someone who could never love me because her heart was set on another. It didn’t matter how badly that man treated her, she went back to him over and over, unable to escape from the hold he had on her. She could never be mine and the thought hurt until it started killing me.”Dick’s eyes widened as the pieces fell together. Around the time Ivy disappeared so did another villain, Harley Quinn. Everyone had just assumed that the Joker had done something to her, gotten bored of his partner and left her somewhere to die.“And you know what hurt the most, Bluebird?” Ivy asked and Dick’s blood ran cold because she knew who he was. Somehow she knew and she let him live. But why? “These flowers that grew in my chest, I couldn’t control them. I couldn’t stop them and god, I tried so many times. Even after Harley chose me over everyone else, there were so many others who needed help but there was nothing I could do. But even if I can’t do anything, you can. You can save yourself.”There was something about Ivy’s words that annoyed him. Maybe it was because she didn’t understand his situation or maybe, it was because she was loved while he soulmate couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as him. How could she possibly understand what he was going through when she had everything she always wanted?“Save myself but never feel love doesn’t seem like an ideal ending to me,” he snapped but Ivy smiled.“And what about your soulmate? Don’t they deserve the chance to love you like you love them?” she asked.Dick snorted. “They don’t love me. That’s the problem.”Giving him a sympathetic look, Ivy squeezed Dick’s hand and leaned in. “Are you so sure about that?”“If they did, wouldn’t I be with them?” he asked.Nodding, Ivy let go and placed her hand on his chest, one last time. Her brows furrowed in concentration but then she sighed, defeated. “I wish I could help you,” she whispered and got up. Grabbing the mug from the side table, she held it towards Dick. “Drink. This will help you regain your strength and then you can be on your way.”Dick stared at the mug and then at Ivy who smiled at him gently. Carefully, he took the mug, the smell of tea hitting him and took a sip. Warmth spread throughout his body and he sighed with relief, welcoming the feeling.“Good?” Ivy asked and he nodded.Taking one sip and then another, Dick didn’t notice anything strange until his vision began to swim. His head spun as his body fell back, mug slipping out of his hand and landing on the ground. Struggling to keep his eyes open, Dick tried to push himself to his feet, gritting his teeth because he had been a fool to trust so easily. But then the door swung open and Ivy stepped aside, letting in someone clad in black.“Thank you for taking him in. The Bats have lost their shit looking for him,” a familiar voice side and Dick struggled to place it as sleep urged him to close his eyes.Selina? Was that Selina?“It’s alright. Just take care of him, okay? Gotham isn’t ready to lose its favorite bird.”“I will, Ivy. Thank you again.”Dick cursed his inability to fight. Why would Ivy do this? Why would she give him away? If she had been in his place, if she had been hurt like him, why didn’t she understand his desire to run away? Instead, she had sold him out to the very people he was running away from. Now, he would be dragged back to Gotham, to the manor, to a house full of people who would judge him and not understand where he was coming from. He would be dragged back to Jason who would look at him with disdain, tear down his ideals regarding soulmates. And Dick would have to lie, over and over, while everyone’s attempt to save him killed him from the inside.Knowing that there was no way to escape from what was to come, he sobbed and finally gave into the darkness. The next time he would awaken, it would be in the cave, the worst waiting for him.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“I don’t think we’re meant to be, Because you are not the missing piece.”
Jason’s earliest memory of his mother was one from a cold December night.Lost in dreams, he had been sleeping peacefully when the sound of the door slamming shut woke him up. At that time, Jason was too young to understand most things but old enough to know when something was wrong. Slipping out of bed, he had stumbled into the kitchen where he found his mother sitting on the floor, head hung low and knees clutched to her chest as she sobbed quietly. Worried and a little scared, he held on tight, patting her head the way she did his when he was upset.His mother had been surprised to see him, quickly wiping away her tears and forcing a smile onto her face but Jason knew better. He could see the pain in her eyes. Taking him into her arms, his mother assured him that everything was alright, that she was alright and then tucked back into bed, urging him to sleep. Jason should have let thing it go there but he was a curious child and he always noticed the absence of the parent who only showed up home drunk out of his mind, venom slipping from his lips every time he walked through the door. And out of curiosity, he had asked where his father was.“Just remember, papa loves us both very much,” his mother had whispered with a smile, her voice threatening to break as a fresh set of tears appeared in her eyes.Oh, how wrong she had been.Willis Todd only cared about himself, abandoning his family and disappearing from the face of the Earth one day. Catherine Todd, his wife who loved him wholeheartedly believed that he would return one day and be the man she fell in love with. She sat by the door and waited, watching as days turned to months but her husband never walked came back.Jason’s last memory of his mother was from a warm summer day.A heat wave had hit Gotham, worse than the previous years, killing people who dared to stay out in the sun for too long. But Jason didn’t mind the heat; he couldn’t when he had learned to live with it, never having the money to afford decent air conditioning.Just as any other day, Jason woke up in the morning, only to find his mother passed out on the kitchen table, the place where she stayed all night watching the door. Barely supporting her weight, despite the severe amount she had lost over the days, he had taken her back to her room and cleaned her up. Once she was tucked into bed, he ruffled through her room and the cupboards in the kitchen, looking for any kind of drug she could take while he was away.Catherine Todd was a good woman but she had been broken by hope. She had truly believed that her husband would return because soulmates were eternal and he had to love her as much as she loved him. But hope had misled her, taking her down a dark path to relieve her pain. And there was nothing Jason could have done to stop it.After making sure his mother was settled, Jason headed out the door. Since his father was gone and his mother was unable to fend for herself, it was up to Jason to ensure that they got food in their bellies. He was young, much too young to know the things he did but after living in Crime Alley for years, fending for himself, Jason had learned a trick or two, just enough to ensure he could survive and take care of his mother. Through it all, he had always been so careful, making sure that he always returned home, assured his mother she wasn’t alone and keep anything harmful out of her touch.One day, he slipped up. Jason was running on a wave of happiness, having managed to steal a fresh loaf of bread. Yes, the act had landed him into trouble and now he was forced to hide until the baker and his friends disappeared but the chase was worth the prize. He would reach home later than usual but at least his mother would eat well tonight and nothing was more important than that. If she was sober, maybe he would get to see one of her rare smiles, the ones he hadn’t seen since he was a child who didn’t understand anything.With a hopeful heart, Jason had gone home but he had been too late, too careless. His mother was gone and he could only blame himself.And through all this, Jason had learned his lesson. He never wanted a soulmate, never wanted to love someone so much that he would die without them. Even if it wasn’t Hanahaki, it was love that led her astray, love that made her believe in a man that wasn’t worth believing in and at the end of it all, it was love that had killed her.Downing the last of his beer, Jason settled the empty bottle on the table before him, turning on the volume of the TV. Stretching his arms, he headed to bed. While he would never admit it, the sound from the TV made him feel like he wasn’t alone and sometimes, that kept the nightmares away, allowing him to sleep through the night peacefully.Dying had changed something inside Jason and sometimes he was sure that the fourteen-year-old boy who had started to believe in the world after getting a second chance had stayed dead. His body might have come back to life but he didn’t. All that was left of him was anger, so much of it that he burned down anyone who tried to care.The only thing that connected Jason to his younger self was his hatred towards the idea of soulmates. Even if he didn’t have all his memories, even if there were moments missing from his life, Jason could never forget his mother, wasting away by the door. Trying to ensure that he never found his soulmate, he strayed from people, cutting down contact to a bare minimum but somehow, despite everything, he had found them. And wasn’t it just funny?Even though he felt full, his heart brimming with warmth, he didn’t know the person who completed him. Sometimes he wondered if it was a criminal he had killed in his more violent days or maybe it was someone he had bumped into while walking down the road. Whoever it was, it didn’t matter because they had never come looking and Jason didn’t want them to either.This was for the best.And even if they had found him, Jason could never love them the way they deserved, not when his heart was set on someone else.
“Gambling on the job, Jay? For shame!”
“Are you calling yourself a damsel?”
Jason didn’t know what attracted him to Dick Grayson. No matter where he went, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t hate the man. Instead, with every encounter, every stolen glance, and shared smile, he found himself falling deeper and deeper into the web, so blissful in the clutches of something so terrifying.Dick Grayson had always been an enigma.Eyes that looked like they had swallowed the clear blue sky, wavy black hair that looked as soft like the clouds and a face that only angels should have been allowed to have, Dick was beautiful. He was beautiful but that’s not where he ended. Inside, he was cunning and intelligent, finding a connection where most people couldn’t. His heart was big enough to find love for anyone who needed it, a smile so gentle that you couldn’t help but want to give him your all. He cared, cared so much that somehow he had found it in himself to forgive Jason for everything that had happened between them. He had found it in himself to smile at Jason and call him family even though the younger sometimes felt he didn’t deserve it.Jason was sure that he was a fucking mess and it wasn’t his place to love someone like Dick Grayson. After all, the older was bound to end up with a soulmate that complimented him, that completed him in the way he needed and was able to give him everything he deserved. Jason could never be that person, even if he wanted to so badly.Pushing the thought of Dick out of his mind, the memories of his smile, Jason concentrated on the sounds coming from the TV, willing himself to fall asleep. He had spent a lifetime thinking of Dick, convincing himself it wasn’t meant to be but somehow, he still ended up in the same place, falling all over again. “I’m alone in my head, Looking for love in a stranger’s bed, But I don’t think I’ll find it, Cause only you can fill this empty space.”The ringing of his phone woke Jason up. Groggy and annoyed, seeing that he had only gotten three hours of sleep, he hit the answer button. “This better be good,” he growled and waited for someone to talk but on the other hand, all he could hear was someone sniffling.Pulling his phone back, Jason checked the caller ID to see the call had come from Tim. Dread settled into the pit of his stomach because his replacement never called him since they didn’t have the best relationship, especially after everything Jason had done after coming back. The crying wasn’t a good sign either.“What’s going on, Tim?” Jason asked, sitting up straight and preparing himself for the bad news.Was it Bruce again? It had to be him.“Jason… you need to come to the manor… it’s Dick,” Tim answered, collecting himself and Jason’s grip on his phone tightened. No. No. He didn’t want to hear what was to come next. “He’s dying.”Nothing could ever prepare him for that. “Overthinking, I don’t know who I am without you, I’m a liar and cheat, I let my ego swallow me.”
Despite everything his father had done, Jason couldn’t say that he never had any good memories with him.One day, his father had managed to get his hands on two tickets to the circus. Haly’s was a big deal in Gotham, their trapeze act known throughout the world and ever since Jason had seen the poster to the circus, he had always wanted to go. But he had never told his parents, knowing that they didn’t have the money to afford such a treat.Going to the circus was a dream come true for Jason. Their seats weren’t the best but his father had a burst of affection for his son that day. He lifted Jason onto his shoulders so he could see better and Jason had been thankful. With awe, he had watched every act but the one that took his breath away was the young trapeze artist, the one who shined brighter than any star in the night sky.That was the first time Jason had seen Dick, even though he never told the older about it. Back then, Dick had been full of life, radiating warmth and happiness.But now, lying on a cot in the Batcave, Dick looked cold. His skin was inhumanely pale, bags under his eyes and lips chapped. He had lost weight, so much so that Jason could tell that he hadn’t been eating properly. Or his condition wouldn’t let him. A part of Jason was afraid to touch the former Robin, afraid that if he did, he wouldn’t be able to find the familiar beat of his heart.“Who did this to him?” Jason asked, fingers clenched as he forced himself to look away.Tim shook his head and sighed. “He won’t say. All I know is that his soulmate rejected him.”Pressing his lips together, Jason tried to push down his anger because this was no time for him to lose his cool. He knew that life was full of surprises but never had he expected Dick to end up this way. After all, Dick was the best of them and if there was anyone deserving of love, it was him. Yet, he had been rejected by the one person who was meant to be his. And being the fool that he was, Dick hadn’t given them a way to help.From what Tim had told him, with the way Dick was acting, it was obvious that he was trying to protect his soulmate which meant that he or she was someone that they knew. But there were so many people that were an important part of Dick’s life, the list too long to narrow down when they barely had any time on their hands.Glancing back at the Dick, Jason couldn’t help but wonder who could be cruel enough to do this?Who was Dick trying to protect?
“How could I make you love me?”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“How can I say this without breaking?
Dick was selfish.In a world where people were predestined for someone, he had looked for love in the arms of those he couldn’t keep. When Kori first came to Earth, when her green eyes met his, he should have looked away. When their lips met, a kiss born out of convenience, it should have meant nothing. Yet, it was her warmth that kept the nightmares at bay and her voice that soothed him for years to come. At that time, he was sure that he would give up everything if she asked. But in the end, the one he gave up was her.When Wally first smiled at him, bright and beautiful, Dick’s heart should have never skipped a beat. When Wally held him close, fingers running through his hair, he should have never wished for time to stand still. But when the worst hit, Dick found himself running straight to the redhead, finding comfort in his touch, never-ending love in his eyes. He was sure that as long as he was with Wally, he would never need anyone else. Their love would always be enough. But it wasn’t enough. It could never be.In a world where Dick was meant to only ever fall in love once, he had tried his best to defy fate and so fate had punished him for it. His soulmate, his other half had always been right in front of him, looking at him with eyes full of wonder but blinded by anger, Dick pushed him away and then, Jason was gone. It was too late to fix a relationship that was broken from the start. Even after the younger came back, the embodiment of rage, all they could ever do was hurt one another, over and over again.Maybe they were meant to crash and burn from the very start.
How can I say this without taking over?”
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”Clenching the sheets that covered his body, Dick stared at the glass wall in front of him, refusing to meet Bruce’s eyes as the older glared down at him, still dressed in his uniform, cowl pulled off. In the past, maybe Bruce would have cared about Dick’s feelings, spoken to him like he was his son and not a soldier but ever since the surgery, that part of Bruce had been lost. Now his eldest son was just a mistake that needed to be rectified and Dick didn’t know how to talk to someone who didn’t even see him as a human being.“Doesn’t it bother you?” Dick asked, finally looking at his adoptive father, staring into his cold, calculating eyes. “Don’t you ever miss it? Miss feeling love? If not romantically then for your children?”Bruce’s lips pressed into a thin line as his eyes narrowed, unhappy with the question Dick was asking. But then again, nowadays, there was barely anything that could make the older smile. “Gotham needs Batman and Batman cannot be swayed by something like emotion. The mission always comes first, you know this, Dick.”A laugh escaped Dick’s lips and he hoped that Bruce wasn’t serious. Maybe he no longer cared about what he had lost, maybe he didn’t remember it at all but Dick remembered. He remembered his father who ruffled his hair and smiled proudly at him. He remembered his father who held him close when the memories of the past became too overwhelming. But that man was gone, plucked out of his chest along with blood covered flowers. And Dick missed him. He missed him everyday but something’s were irreversible.“Maybe you don’t miss it. Maybe you’re lying to me, I don’t know. But what I do know is that I can’t be you. I won’t be able to live knowing that I’ll never feel love for anyone ever again, that one day I’ll look at my family and not feel warmth in my chest,” Dick said, knuckles whitening as his grip on the sheets tightened.“But the mission-”“I don’t care about your god damn mission!” Dick screamed, something inside him finally breaking. “What I do care about is Tim who is so new to this life and has no one to tell him that they care. What I do care about is the young girl you brought into the fold, the one who has never known what a real family is like. I care about Jason and the fact that he can’t be one of us because you won’t let him. I care about you Bruce even if you don’t care about us!”Wide-eyed, Bruce stared at Dick for a while, his fingers twitching and for a minute, Dick thought the older might understand him. But then, the light in Bruce’s eyes faded as the emotions drained from his face. “You’re being unreasonable. Bludhaven needs a protector.”“But you don’t need your son.” Dick smiled while Bruce flinched.“That’s not what I meant.”“I think you should go,” Dick whispered, ending the conversation.He could feel Bruce’s eyes on him, waiting for him to turn around but when he didn’t, Bruce walked out of the room without another word, leaving Dick to curl up and cry.
“How can I put it down into words, When it’s almost too much for my soul to bear?”
Since the moment Jason had arrived at the mansion and seen the state Dick had been in, he had been watching. People went one by one to talk to him, to convince him to either take the surgery or to at least reveal who his soulmate was but Dick had been stubborn. He smiled, he cried, wiped away the tears of those who failed to make him see their side but never once did he give up the name of his so-called better half. And through it all, Jason refused to step into Dick’s room because he knew that even if he went in, he wouldn’t know what to say.“Hiding from Master Richard will do you no good, Master Jason. Maybe it is time for the two of you to finally bury your differences and makeup, god knows if you’ll have time for that in the future,” Alfred had said solemnly, tired of watching Jason hide in the kitchen.Unlike the rest of his family, Jason had died once before but it didn’t stick. Death was never something he feared but something he had accepted, knowing that in his line of work, an early one would be inevitable. He just never thought hat one day he could possibly lose someone he cared about, someone he loved so much.Finally gathering the courage he needed, Jason descended into the cave and went into Dick’s room. Surprise flashed through the older’s blue eyes before brightening up as a smile spread across his face. “Here to lecture me about how soulmates are a scam, Jay?” he asked and for a moment, Jason could believe that there was nothing wrong with Dick.But then his eyes fell on the root embedded into Dick’s skin, overlapping the vein in his neck. “Nah. You’re probably an expert on the topic by now, Dickie.” Jason flinched, immediately regretting his words but the former Robin just laughed.“How are you, Little Wing?” Dick asked and Jason could see the love in his eyes and it hurt, so much.Shrugging, Jason cocked his head to the side, his eyes raking over Dick’s weak body. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”He hated seeing the former Boy Wonder this way and most of, he hated the fact that there was nothing he could do to make things right. Dick, on the other hand, just laughed, never faltering. “I’ve been better,” he answered but there was something so painful in his voice.“Dick, who did this to you?” Jason asked but the older just shook his head.“It doesn’t matter, Jay. They don’t want me and I’m not going to force them to change their decision.”“Oh, for fuck’s sake! Stop being a god damn martyr for once! If you don’t put an end to this, you’ll die Dickie. Have you thought about that?” Jason asked, fear dripping into his voice as he spoke. “We’ll lose you and none of us are ready for that.”Smile sweetly, Dick just shook his head. “You don’t need me anymore. I know you guys will take care of each other.”“That doesn’t matter!" Jason shouted, losing his cool. Frustration filled his veins because Dick just couldn’t see how important he was to everyone, to him. “I can be a decent brother but I can never be you! No one can take your place Dick and there will never be a day when we don’t need you!”
When I don’t need you.
The smile slipped from Dick’s face, eyes shimmering with tears as he stared at Jason. “You can’t leave us, Dick,” Jason said.
You can’t leave me.
“You can’t say such things to me. It isn’t fair,” Dick whispered, his voice so low that Jason could barely hear him. Tears slipped from his eyes, body trembling as he curled into himself. All Jason wanted to do was hold Dick tight, to press soft kisses across his face and assure him that even if his soulmate didn’t care, he did. He would always care. He would always love him.But just as Jason reached out to touch Dick, he jerked back, eyes wide with fear. “You can’t touch me,” Dick said, staring at Jason’s hand. “You can never touch me, do you understand?”“Dick, what?”“I don’t think I want to talk anymore so you should leave,” Dick said, completely ignoring Jason’s question.“But-” Jason started but the older wasn’t ready to hear him.“Leave!” he screamed.Finger clenched and lips pulled into a frown, without another second to waste, Jason headed out the room, wondering why he even bothered to try. After all, he was the last person in the world Dick would care about.
“I loved and I loved and I lost you.”
The sound of a clock ticking filled the room as Jason lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. After his talk with Dick, he was all but ready to leave the manor and head to a safe house when Alfred stopped him. He was sent to one of the rooms the butler had opened up for him and there was nothing he could do to fight it.Now, unable to sleep, all Jason could do was think about Dick. Everything had been fine, the older had been smiling and joking like he always did so where had everything gone wrong?
“You can’t say such things to me.”
Ever since Dick had been brought in, all everyone had tried to do was tell him that he was needed, that he was loved. While the way they framed their words may have been different, the sentiment remained the same. Why was it unfair to hear such things from Jason? Why was he the only one treated differently?
“You can’t touch me!”
Dick had always been a physical being. He loved hugs and cuddles, stealing a few even from Bruce even if the older never returned the gesture. He always kept Jason at an arm’s length though. In the starting, Jason assumed that it was because of everything he had done after coming back but Dick had assured him that the past was in the past, that he had been forgiven for his mistakes. But he never touched him, avoided getting close to him.There were days when Jason always wondered about this but then stopped, knowing that he wouldn’t like the answer. Now, he wanted to know why. He wanted to know what it was about him that always seemed to drive Dick away.And then it clicked.“No,” Jason whispered to himself as he sat up straight, eyes wide and heart hammering in his chest.“No, no, no, no, no,” he chanted as he headed for the door. It couldn’t be true. Dick would have told him. There was no need to hide this.
“My soulmate doesn’t want me.”
With his breath caught in his throat, Jason had just opened the door when Cassandra appeared in front of him. Her slender fingers wrapped around his wrist and soon she was dragging him towards the cave, her usually calm face full of fear.“Cass, sweetheart, what’s going on?” Jason asked but Cass didn’t say anything. She just shook her head, indicating that there was no time to explain and kept running.Unlike the rest of them, Cass was the calm one, not saying much but noticing things that others didn’t. If she was worried, then something bad was probably going to happen and in the back of his head, Jason knew what it was.Once in the cave, Jason noticed Tim standing over Dick, tears streaming down the younger’s face as Alfred rushed in with medical equipment.“Tim, what’s going on?” Jason asked as Cass finally let go of him to join Tim.Tim’s head whipped up as soon as he saw Jason, rushing to the older even though they had never been on the best of terms. “Jay! I can’t get in touch with B and Dick, his heart rate is so low,” the younger blurted out.A sudden silence fell around Jason as his eyes shifted to Dick who had become so pale that Jason was afraid he was already dead. Roots ran over his veins, mere inches away from his heart and if left alone, soon flowers would bloom between his lips, making him a work of art but ensuring that he would never open his eyes.
“You and Bruce really are just the same.”
The world around him seemed to stop as the pieces fell together, the truth refusing to remain hidden. He was sure that Alfred had screamed his name, Cassandra had shaken his shoulder but Jason couldn’t see anyone but Dick. He couldn’t hear anyone but himself. “It’s no surprise that no one can love you.”Taking a shaky step forward, Jason pushed aside Tim who had been crowding over Dick. He pressed one hand against Dick’s cold skin. Spark shot up his arm, fire igniting in his veins as the void inside heart was filled with a warmth that he could only associate with Dick. He was whole. He was complete. But his soulmate, the man he had loved since he was a kid was dying.“Jason, what are you doing?!” Tim demanded but Jason ignored the younger.Instead, he leaned down and pressed his lips against Dick’s, feeling their softness and the tremors that passed through his entire body. “I love you,” he whispered, pulling back. “I love you, so much. Please, don’t leave me. You can’t.” He kissed Dick once. He kissed him twice and he kissed him until he could hear his heartbeat once again.Jason had reason to be happy, after all, Dick Grayson, the man he had always loved was his soulmate. They were meant to be together, meant to complete each other but fuelled by anger, he had ruined it all. Without thinking, he said words he didn’t mean, without caring, he pushed away the people who only wanted to help and now, he was paying the price for it all.It was his fault that Dick was dying.
“I loved and loved and I lost you, And it hurts like hell.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“What if makes you sad at me?
What if it makes you laugh now,
But you cry as you fall asleep?”
No one hated soulmates more than Jason Todd.To be destined for someone, to have the perfect half, all of it was a lie, a sham to hide the chains that forcefully bound people together, giving them no option of escape. If one left, the other died, staining an innocent's hands red just for wanting a taste of freedom.Jason had seen soulmates for what they really were, he had seen the way his father had ruined his mother. Even though she had every right to, Catherine Todd never left her husband, hoping that one day the night would pass and dawn would change their relationship for the better. But the darkness that had invaded their home was there to stay, even if Willis wasn’t. And that wasn’t just the case for the Todd family. Crime Alley was littered with broken families, living together only because the invisible thread that brought them to one another didn’t give them a choice. Those who dared to leave were cursed and ridiculed because in their empty apartments grew flowers, through their soulmate’s body and into the floor.Soulmates were a curse, a plague for which there was no cure and Jason prayed to any higher power willing to listen that he never came across the one meant for him. He wanted to be free to love, free to live.And then, he met Dick Grayson.When Willis had taken Jason to the circus, he had seen a boy who had smiled freely. At that moment, he had wanted that for himself, he wanted to fly, to smile without inhibition and fear, instead of hiding in the shadows wondering if the person passing by was dangerous or not. But the show had to end and Jason had to leave. He bid farewell to the beautiful bird he’d never be privileged enough to see again.Maybe, somewhere, somehow, Jason had done something right because one day, the beautiful bird stood before him, smiling gently and hand held out. If Jason hadn’t been so jaded, he could have taken this as a sign from the universe but after losing his mother, he wasn’t ready to trust. He wasn’t ready to accept love so he pushed Dick away with every word.Pushed him away even after coming back from the dead.Sweat dripped down Jason’s face as his fist connected with a punching bag in the Cave, pain rippling through his muscles because of overuse but he didn’t stop. Whatever he felt right now couldn’t compare to the pain Dick had been going through for weeks, tormented by the flowers that grew in his chest and the one who had planted them there was Jason. He had done this to Dick and he deserved to be punished for that.There were so many things he could have done differently, so many things he could have said but the past couldn’t be changed. Dick’s future, however, could be saved but Jason didn’t know how to do that. He knew that if he walked into the former Robin’s room right now to tell him how he felt, his words would fall on deaf ears. If Dick had been convinced that Jason didn’t love him before, he sure as hell wouldn’t believe it now. For him, any confession would be one born from pity. But Jason didn’t want to lose him.He wasn’t ready to lose him.“Jason,” Bruce called out to him, stepping into the cave. “We need to talk.”Ignoring the old man, Jason continued to take his anger out on the punching bag, feeling the pain increase. He didn't want to talk to Bruce and he would. If their relationship was strained before, it would be worse now because even though Bruce couldn’t feel love, Dick was still his favorite son, his everything.Suddenly, a hand wrapped around Jason’s bicep and he was forced to turn around. “I said, we need to talk,” Bruce growled, glaring at Jason.“What do you want?” Jason asked, pulling away from the older.Bruce’s eyes went to the hand that had been on Jason’s shoulder and back to his son, face set into a frown. “What is your plan regarding Dick?”“My plan?” Jason raised his brows.“Yes,” Bruce answered. “How do you plan to convince him to take the operation?”The wind was knocked out of Jason, his body moving back of its own accord while he stared at his adoptive father with wide eyes. Bruce had to know that Jason and Dick were soulmates, that he was the key to helping the former Robin and yet, he had suggested that Dick take the operation. It meant that he had no faith in Jason, in his ability to sustain a relationship.“The two of you being soulmates will not change anything. There is nothing you can do to convince Dick that you love him and any attempts to make him believe otherwise will be futile. You’ll only end up killing him.” Bruce went on, never noticing the pained expression on Jason’s face or the way his fingers had begun to tremble.Jason knew he had an affinity for ruining things but the fact that anyone would think he would hurt Dick on purpose burned.“Dick won’t take the operation,” Jason whispered, fingers clenching and unclenching. “I can’t let him.”Sighing, Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose. “The two of you are simply not compatible.” With that, the older took a step back, watching Jason with wary eyes. “Think about what I said because Dick’s fate now rests in your hands.”And then, he was gone. Body trembling, Jason’s knees hit the floor as Bruce’s words circled in his mind. Was the older right? Was this Jason’s only option? Things would have been so different if Dick had just come to Jason with the truth, if the younger had realized who his soulmate was. But Jason was jaded and Dick was sure that he could never be loved by the other. Words thrown around without care had ensured that. There had to be a way to fix this, one which didn’t mean that Dick would never love him again. But as tears blurred his vision, Jason could think of nothing.He had a soulmate he could have loved forever and somehow, he’d lost that.
“Is it all my fault or can I fix it please?”
Jason slowly took the stairs that led to Dick’s room. His heartbeat increased with every step he took, throat closing up and insides twisting. A part of him had simply shut down, not wanting to feel the pain that came with breaking his soulmate for the last time. He would lose Dick for good tonight and there was nothing he could do about that.After a lot of thinking, Jason had reached the conclusion that Bruce was right. He couldn’t mend his relationship with Dick. All he could do was ensure that the older survived. Jason could live with knowing that Dick would never love him but he couldn’t live with knowing that he was the fault for his soulmate’s death. There were too many people who still needed the former Robin, too many people who’d be lost without his smile, Jason being one of them.Maybe, after the operation, Dick wouldn’t feel as much as before. He wouldn’t ruffle Tim’s hair or chase after the younger for hugs and cuddles. Tim would probably thank Jason for that, right? Even if Dick didn’t seem like himself, it would be alright because at least he would be alive.And Jason? He’d somehow learn to live with the consequences of his decision. Life had always taken from him and he would be a fool to think he would be allowed to keep his soulmate.Once in front of the door, Jason stared, gathering the strength he needed to knock and have this talk without breaking down himself. Shutting off his emotions shouldn’t have been a hard thing to do but right now, he was struggling. Alfred walking up the stairs was a much-needed distraction.“I presume you’re going to finally speak to Master Dick?” Alfred asked, stopping beside Jason who just smiled at the butler.“Something like that.”Alfred hummed before turning his gaze to Jason. “And I hope that this discussion would lead to a positive outcome?”“For Dick, yes,” Jason answered which was the truth.“Oh, you boys have always been so foolish,” Alfred sighed, rubbing his forehead.With furrowed brows, Jason opened his mouth to speak but he was cut off before he could get a word out.“When Master Bruce first found his soulmate and realized that the path to their union would be a difficult one, he didn’t waste a day to think about taking the surgery. He just went through with it and never once spoke to Master Hal. His decision only brought everyone involved pain and even if he won’t admit it, I know he regrets what he did,” Alfred said, leaving Jason to gape. The butler simply couldn’t be talking about the same Bruce that wanted Dick to go through with the surgery.“Do not look at me like that. There is nothing in this manner that can happen without me knowing,” Alfred snapped. “Master Bruce always talks about putting the mission first but that doesn’t mean you and Master Dick have to do the same. You can be happy. You should be happy. Together.”It was such a beautiful thought. Somehow Jason would convince Dick that he loved him, somehow they’d find a way to work things out. They’d be together but in reality, it would never be this easy.“I wish I could,” Jason whispered. “I love him, Alf. I’ve loved him since I was a kid but something’s aren’t meant to be, especially if he won’t ever believe me.”Alfred glanced back at the door leading to Dick’s room and then looked back at Jason. “Maybe you need to tell him the truth. Tell him what lies in your heart and the end result might surprise you,” he advised and then turned away. “I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose, Master Jason.”Watching the elder walk away, Jason’s mind reeled. God, he wanted to follow Alfred’s advice, tell Dick the truth and hope that he would accept it. But a part of him knew that that would never work. He would only endanger Dick’s life.But he had no more time to think things over. He had to do something to save Dick’s life so with his mind made up, Jason finally knocked on the door. “Is this really our last conversation?Is this really the last time we speak for a while? Don’t lose hope and don’t let go,Cause you should know.” Dick woke up with a dull ache in his chest, eyes fluttering open as he took in his surroundings. For a minute he wasn’t sure about where he was until his eyes fell on the poster of the Flying Grayson’s, preserved in a frame and pinned to a wall. This was his room. Somehow, someone had shifted him to his room. While it was a relief to be out of the cave, he had to question why Bruce had made such a decision. Surely it couldn’t be because he had given up on trying to convince Dick to take the surgery.As a dark thought crossed his mind, Dick’s hand flew to his chest. A sigh of relief escaped his lips when he felt the roots lined over his ribs. It was a strange feeling but at least Bruce hadn’t dragged him to Leslie without his consent.Dick had just begun to settle back into bed when a hand held his own and he finally noticed Jason who had been sitting in the dark, watching him with sad eyes. Heart hammering in his chest, struggling to breathe, Dick stared at the fingers that intertwined with his, a horrible, sinking feeling settling in his gut.Jason knew. He knew even though Dick had never wanted him to know.And then a memory came back to him, a memory of chapped lips being pressed against his, a confession whispered in a hurry but one that had made his failing heartbeat. A confession he could never be worthy of.“You don’t know this,” Jason started before Dick had a chance to say anything, to explain himself. “But the first time I met you wasn’t in the manor. It was back when you were still with Haly’s, with your family.”Silence fell in the room as Dick stared at his soulmate, brows furrowed. He had no idea where Jason was going with this conversation but he didn’t have the voice to stop him, to say anything at all.“Willis was a shitty dad but I guess he did something right. He brought me to see you and that day, I saw what freedom looked like for the first time and…” Jason finally looked up, meeting Dick’s eyes. “It looked like you.”The sick feeling in Dick’s gut began to fade as tears stung the back of his eyes, feeling the love in Jason’s gaze. This couldn’t be real. This just couldn’t be real but there was no way that his mind could imitate Jason’s warmth or the love in his gaze. “Since I was a kid, I always wanted to be you and somehow, after chasing after your shadow for years, I didn’t want to be you. Instead, I wanted to be with you,” Jason confessed, squeezing Dick’s hand. “I still do, Blue Bird, if you’ll let me.”Shaking his head, Dick tried to pull away, tears streaking down his cheeks. Jason couldn’t mean this. After everything, how could he say he was in love?“You can’t. You don’t really want to,” Dick whispered.Jason shifted from the chair he was in and sat down beside Dick, closing the distance between them until they were inches apart. “I want to, Dick. I have loved you since I was fifteen and even death couldn’t change that. The only question is whether you love me or not.”“You know I do. You know,” Dick cried, his body shaking in Jason’s arms.With a bright smile, Jason leaned his head against Dick’s. “Then don’t you think we deserve a chance to fix things? To be together? I just want to hold you and kiss you every day but only if you will let me.”“I don’t want to for-”“Did you not hear the part where I said that I’ve been in love with you since I was 15? You don’t know how many times over the years I’ve wished you were my soulmate, that somehow you’d be mine and I’d be yours. Yes, I’ve said shit and hurt you but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you.”“You don’t even believe in soulmates.” Dick pointed out.But Jason only smiled. “I don’t. But I believe in us.”Growing up, all Dick ever wanted was a soulmate he could love and one who would love him back. Somewhere along the way, a part of him had given up on finding his better half, thinking they were dead or too far for him to reach. But Jason had always been there just waiting to be noticed and when their connection sparked, the truth had been too cruel. Dick knew he couldn’t be loved by a man who loathed the thought of soulmates.But now, Jason sat in front of him, whispering the words that Dick had longed to hear and a part of him just couldn’t believe it. His mind back to the fifteen-year-old who had always chased after him, the one who watched his every move so carefully. Had there been something other than admiration in Jason’s innocent gaze? He remembered the man who still watched him as he soared through the sky. Was that not because of a habit developed at a young age?“Let me fix this, Dickie,” Jason whispered, lips so close that all Dick had to do was lean in.All this time Dick had kept quiet because he never wanted to force Jason into a relationship he never wanted. He kept quiet because hearing a rejection would hurt more than imagining it but for some reason, Jason was ready to give him everything he wanted.“Okay,” Dick found himself whispering before he even had a chance to process everything.But as a smile lit up Jason’s face, the fear fading from his eyes and leaving behind unconditional love, Dick didn’t want to take back his agreement. Instead, all he wanted was to finally kiss his soulmate.So, he did exactly that.
“You know that I’m always all for you.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Will we always stay this way?Wrapped in a summer day.”
Pushing open the window, Jason snuck into Dick’s apartment, knowing that his soulmate wouldn’t be expecting anyone to stop by. If Jason had timed this right, his pretty bird would be in the shower, probably humming some shitty pop song he’d heard on the radio and couldn’t get out of his head. Silently, he moved across the living room and placed his helmet on the coffee table. Dick had a strict rule about bringing gear into his bedroom so Jason made sure to put away everything in the spare room. Once, he had shed his kevlar and guns, Jason was about to head into Dick’s room when his eyes fell on the lone frame that hung on his wall, one that he hated with a passion but his soulmate kept as a reminder.
“Trying to find the piece of time that,Let’s me frame you in my mind.”
A few weeks into recovering, being able to walk around on his own, Dick had somehow managed to either procure or commission a painting. It was a simple little thing: a white background with a single Forget-Me-Not and white rose painted onto it. They were flowers that had grown in Dick’s chest, ones that had almost killed him but for some reason, their meaning meant something important to the older. While Hanahaki was a representation of unrequited love, the flowers were a representation of the love that was meant to be. Forget-Me-Nots symbolized true love and loyalty whereas White Roses symbolized love in its purest form. Dick saw them as a proof of their bond and so Jason let it be.
“I don’t want us to change, don’t want us to chip away,I am trying to save our bodies against the waves.”
Looking away from the painting, Jason snuck into Dick’s room, flopping down on his bed. A smile spread across his face as he heard his soulmate belt out a note that no one would ever expect him to. Not many people knew that Dick actually had a very pleasant voice and if he wasn’t in the vigilante business, he could someday make it as a singer. But Jason was fine with keeping this is a secret and enjoying Dick’s voice himself.Soon, the shower was turned off and Dick left the bathroom with nothing but a towel wrapped around his now skinny waist. There was still a long way to go before he regained all the weight he had lost while suffering from Hanahaki but the scars, they would never fade. While it didn’t bother Dick, it bothered Jason, a lot but unfortunately, it was just something he’d have to learn to live with.Dick had been drying his hair when his eyes fell on Jason, lighting up at the sight of his soulmate. “How come you’re not patrolling?” he asked, smiling brightly.“Well, I had just stepped out of my safe house and I wondered what you were doing for dinner when I realized, we still haven’t had our first date,” Jason answered with a grin.Crossing his arms, Dick looked at his soulmate with eyebrows raised. “So you decided to break into my apartment like a criminal?”“How else was I supposed to come in?”“You have a key.”“Vigilantes don’t use keys. They use windows.”“Sure, Jay.”“Anyway,” Jason said, getting to his feet and pulling Dick close. “How about you get dressed, we go grocery shopping and I fix you a romantic dinner?”With a smile, Dick laced his fingers behind Jason’s neck. “What makes you think we need to go grocery shopping?”“Please, Dickie. I know you. If it weren’t for Alfred, you’d eat your weight in cereal.”“Hey! That’s not true!” Dick pouted and smacked Jason’s arm.Grinning, Jason kissed his soulmate softly and then pulled back. “Now, go get ready,” he said and gently slapped Dick’s ass he turned around.“You’re asking for trouble, Todd,” Dick warned but Jason just laughed, falling back onto the bed.Never in a million years did Jason think he’d ever be in Dick Grayson’s apartment, kissing him and calling him his soulmate. They were always supposed to be two people, struggling to live as a family but instead, they were in love and happy. Jason had never expected this and he never wanted it to end. For the first time, he could believe that life had been kind to him. Maybe the start had been painful but he would make sure the ending wasn't the same. He would love Dick, his soulmate with every breath he took.Jason was snapped out of his thoughts as a towel was flung into his face and when he pulled it down, Dick smiled at him cheekily. “Are you just going to daydream or are you going to make me that dinner you promised?”Getting to his feet, Jason held out his arm for Dick to take. “Shall we?” he asked.
“I don’t want to leave this room,
Just let me stay with you.”
They had a long way to go before things would be perfect, a long way before they could forget the scars of the past. There were too many reminders of everything they’d done and everything they’d said and it wasn’t something that either of them could simply forget. They didn’t want to forget either. Mistakes were to be learned from and that’s exactly what they planned to do.But for now, Jason was happy, cherishing the simple moments that they spent together. Their relationship was in bloom and despite the pain, it was a beautiful sight to behold.
“Could we stay in bloom?”