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Elias asks him once, when they’re lacing up their skates to do training camp drills. “Do you believe in soulmates?” It’s not that strange of a question; most people do but some don’t. Nik belongs to the latter, having grown up in Russia where matching soulmarks didn’t mean you were allowed to be together. Although it was outlawed internationally, lots of parents had their children’s soulmarks removed when they were too young to remember. Nik couldn’t recall a time when his wrist wasn’t blank and hidden under his black wristband.“No. What right does the universe have to tell us who to love?” he says, continuing to tie his skates. Elias gets a strange look on his face for a moment, but just says “fair enough,” and continues putting his gear on. They go out to the ice, and soon enough the conversation is forgotten amid the intensity of training camp. They’re both trying to earn full-time spots on the roster, and while Elias, a nineteen-year-old who won the scoring title and MVP in the SHL last year, is pretty much a lock, Nik is not. He’s been up and down between the NHL and AHL for years, and knows he’ll never be a star. Preseason starts, and Nik finds himself on a line with Elias. They suit each other, making creative plays and glorious tape to tape passes up and down the ice. Nik scores a goal, Elias scores a couple, and Nik scores the game winning goal in a shootout. It’s their only win in 7 games, but it’s just the preseason. They’ll get better. In the rare times that they’re not busy with hockey, Nik shows Elias around Vancouver. It should really be Jake or Bo or at least someone who speaks Swedish, but Nik offers before any of them get a chance. He spends more time than he’d care to admit researching things to do in Vancouver. They walk along the seawall at Stanley Park, make fools of themselves at Science World, and go to the last fireworks show of the summer. By the time the regular season starts, Elias is the best friend Nik has ever had. And if he sometimes he finds himself staring a little too long or wishing he could thread his fingers through Elias’ as they walk along the beach, well, it’s nothing he hasn’t dealt with before. ***At the end of preseason, they both get letters telling them to find housing for the season. There’s a lull in practice, and Nik is babbling something about how he hopes they get to stay on the same line when Elias interrupts him.“Do you want to be roommates?” he asks. The question catches Nik off guard. He’s mostly lived alone since juniors, when he had a billet family. He knows it’s a bad idea, that spending even more time with him will only make the fluttery feeling he gets around him worse. But he meets Elias’ earnest blue gaze for a moment and his resolve cracks. “Sure, I’d love to.”
Elias seems to relax a little, like he’d been worried about Nik’s response. “Ok, well, maybe we could look at some apartments this afternoon?” he suggests.Nik smiles. “Ok.” Elias grins back at him, skating away to practice his one-timers. Nik watches him for a moment, a little in awe of the way Elias is so focused, so sure of himself on every shot he takes. The flex on his stick is unreal. “A little star-struck?” Hutty jostles his shoulder. Nik tries to erase the goofy grin from his face. “Aren’t we all?” he laughs, but Hutty is right. He is a little star-struck, but it’s not by Elias’ one-timer so much as Elias in general. Get a grip, he tells himself. They get an apartment, and go furniture shopping, and possibly spend too much energy decorating the place considering they’re only going to be there half the time for the next 6 months or so. Their teammates certainly think so. “I can’t believe you guys bought art,” Pouliot chirps when a bunch of guys come over to their apartment. “That’s, like, so gay.” “Oh, fuck off,” Nik says, but his stomach twists uncomfortably. He glances at Elias out of the corner of his eye. He’s probably imagining it, but he thinks Elias blushes a bit. “Derrick,” Bo says in a warning tone from across the kitchen. “That’ll be twenty bucks.” Derrick mumbles something under his breath but pulls his wallet out and hands Bo a creased twenty. Bo tucks it into his pocket and pours himself a glass of water before rejoining the group in the living room. Jake and Brock were sprawled on the couch, arguing over whether to play NHL 18 or Fortnite. Nik shoved Jake’s legs off the couch to make space for himself and Elias. “What was that?” Elias asked, looking confused. “It’s a rule Bo came up with last season. No homophobic or racist comments allowed, on or off the ice. Including chirping the other team. There’s a jar in the locker room for the fines, I think he gives the money to You Can Play,” Nik explained. There’d been a bit of drama when it was introduced last year, especially when the guys realized that Bo intended to fine them for what they said on the ice.“It doesn’t matter who you’re saying it to, it’s still not ok,” Bo had argued. He’d introduced the jar with a grand speech about improving locker room culture and making hockey a “safe place” for everyone, the Sedins standing beside him and nodding approvingly. With the Sedins in on it, no one put up much of a fight. It’d be interesting to see if it held up this year, without a captain to enforce it. “Wow,” Elias said. “Oh yeah, that cost Jake here a fortune last season,” Brock laughed.Jake looked vaguely offended. “Only in the beginning. I haven’t been fined since January. And it was only for stuff I said on the ice. I had to completely revise my chirping game,” he shook his head in fake sadness. “Rooster is gonna have to get creative,” Pouliot said. “Remember what he said to Nik in March?” Nik definitely remembered. He remembered the rising panic (how did he know?) and the scrum that followed when he lunged blindly at Roussel. It was later, sitting in the penalty box, that he managed to convince himself that there was no way Roussel knew he was gay. They had never even met before. It was just a chirp intended to get under his skin, and he had let it get to him.Bo frowned. “I’ve already talked to him, and the other new guys, about it. They’re going to work on it.” Elias raised an eyebrow questioningly. “They listen to you?” he asked Bo. “I like to think so,” Bo said. The leadership group for the new season hadn’t been announced yet, but Nik knew Bo was hoping for the C. The conversation moved on to other things then, mostly an introductory course to embarrassing stories about their teammates for Elias. There were even some Nik hadn’t heard before, having spent part of the previous season in Utica. “Remember how MDZ made such a fool of himself over that girl he thought was his soulmate? Same initials, but come on, how could you not know?” Jake chortled.“So you’re an expert on soulmates now, Jake? Do tell,” Bo said with a twinkle in his eye. He was the only one of the group who had actually met his soulmate. He and Holly had been together since they were teenagers and had gotten engaged over the summer. Jake just laughed. “I don’t need a soulmate.” Nik knew he had one though, the initials MJ inked on his wrist in a neat cursive script. Nik glanced at Elias’ wrist, remembering the conversation they’d had in training camp. Elias wore a black wristband to cover his soulmark. Nik was pretty sure he hadn’t been wearing it the first time they met, but he couldn’t recall ever having seen Elias’ soulmark. Like Nik, he never took the cover off. “What about you, Elias? What’s the story with the wristband?” Nik had wondered that too, ever since their conversation in training camp. If Elias believed in soulmates, why would he hide it? Elias covered his wristband with his right hand. “No story. I just don’t want the whole world to know my soulmate’s initials before I meet them.” It kind of made sense, Nik thought, tamping down on the twinge of jealousy he felt at the mention of Elias having a soulmate. It didn’t occur to Nik until later, after all the other guys had left. When Elias talked about his soulmate, he had said “them”, not “her”. It didn’t make any difference, he reminded himself. Elias believed in soulmates; he wouldn’t have any interest in Nik and his blank wrist. ***Elias was the first to score in the season opener against Calgary. The crowd was on their feet, clapping and chanting his name. Nik crashed into Elias hugging him and grinning wildly. Hockey had never felt as amazing as it did when Elias was scoring off his passes. Then, early in the third, their roles were reversed, and it was Elias rushing towards him after he wristed the puck past Smith. They won 5-2, and the light in Elias’ eyes lasted long after they had finished celebrating and gone home. Looking at Elias’ happy smile in the elevator of their apartment building, Nik warm all over. “What? You’re looking at me funny,” Elias asked. “I’ve never seen you this happy,” he shrugged. “You’re always so calm.”Elias stepped a little closer to him. “I like playing hockey with you,” he said softly. Nik’s breath caught in his throat. Elias was so close, Nik was overwhelmed by the urge to close the rest of the distance and kiss him. The elevator stopped on their floor, and the moment was broken. Nik stepped back abruptly and exited the elevator. He had to get a hold of himself before he did something stupid and destroyed their friendship. ***Being on the road sucked. They didn’t get to pick their roommates, and Elias was with Brock. At first, the two of them didn’t say much to each other, but by the fourth game of the road trip Elias was teasing Brock like he used to only tease Nik. Tyler was a decent roommate, but Nik missed Elias. They still sat together on the plane and the bus, but it wasn’t the same as when they were at home. Nik reminded himself over and over that he had no claim on Elias, there was no reason to be jealous. Elias could be friends with both of them. But he couldn’t deny that it hurt to see Elias and Brock laughing on the bench or chatting in the hallway before a game. Nik knew he could join them anytime, but that just made it worse. He didn’t want to share, he wanted Elias’ undivided attention. Then Florida happened. Elias scored on the powerplay, and Roussel tied it on a penalty shot in his first game of the season. It was shaping up to be a great game. Nik saw Elias deke around one of the Florida defensemen, a move that could only be described as ankle-breaking, and then he was focused on the play ahead of him. He didn’t see Matheson slamming Elias into the boards or throwing him to the ice head first, but he knew before he turned around that something had happened. The ref blew his whistle as the rink spun around Nik and he struggled to catch his breath. He watched as Elias tried to get up, only to fall back down. After a moment he did manage to skate off on his own, which was a good sign but did little to ease Nik’s panic. His teammates were discussing the incident, it seemed no one had seen the hit and they weren’t sure if it was clean or not. No penalty was called, and the game went on, but Nik’s head wasn’t in it. Bo scored the game winner shortly after, and Nik was glad they got the win for Elias, but all he wanted was to get off the ice and see him. Nik went straight to the medical room, where Elias was sitting quietly with his head resting in his palms. “Hey,” he said softly. Elias looked up. “Are you ok?”“I have a concussion. 7-10 days, at least.” Elias looked devastated. “Fuck.” He sat down beside him. “We won. 3-2, Bo scored.” “Good.” Elias managed a small smile. Nik put his arm around him, pulling him against his side. “You’ll be back soon. In the meantime, I’ll score some goals for you,” he promised lightly. ***He didn’t. In fact, Nik didn’t have so much as an assist between the Florida game and Elias’ first game back. In the end, Elias was only out for 6 games, but between his impatience and Nik’s, it felt like an eternity. At least he’d been allowed to continue travelling with the team – even with Brock in the picture, they spent so much time together that Nik didn’t know what he’d do without him. Being sidelined was hard for Elias, who was fiercely competitive and longed to help his team. They’d been shut out by Pittsburgh tonight, and Nik could only imagine how hard it would have been to watch that from the press box.“Hockey is my life,” he explained with a shrug as they relaxed on the couch. “It’s all I have,” he added, looking wistful. “You have me,” Nik surprised himself by saying. He quickly looked back at the screen, where a movie neither of them were really watching was playing. He hoped Elias didn’t realize how much he meant it. “Yeah,” Elias said in a sort of strange, strangled voice. He sounded upset. Nik forced himself to meet Elias’ eyes. “And hey, one day you’ll have your soulmate,” he added, trying to make it sound light and not like the thought of Elias with someone else was eating him up inside.Elias stared at him blankly for a moment. Normally Nik felt like he could read Elias pretty well, but he was like a stone wall right now. “I thought you didn’t believe in soulmates?” Nik looked down, fiddling with his wristband for a moment. It couldn’t hurt to tell Elias.“It’s not that I don’t believe in them. I just don’t have one.” Elias’ shock was obvious. He reached for Nik’s wrist. “Can I?” Nik nodded. He had never shown anyone his blank wrist. When he was a kid, his parents had gotten him a tight wristband with a clasp that he couldn’t undo himself. No one talked about soulmarks in Russia, and his parents had forbidden him to tell anyone that his wrist was blank. It wasn’t until he was a teenager, living in North America, that he’d found out why. Everyone had a soulmark, unless their parents had it erased when they were a baby. The United Nations had passed a law that made removing a child’s soulmark a human rights violation almost five years before Nik was born. His parents would have been arrested if anyone had known. Elias unhooked the clasp and let the wristband drop into his lap. He traced his fingers over the spot where the mark would have been, making Nik shiver and look away. “My parents had it erased when I was a kid. I didn’t even know until I came here to play in juniors. I thought I was born without one. And then when I found out, at first I thought my soulmate would still be able to find me. But I did some research a couple years ago, and it turns my soulmate would’ve lost their mark too.” Elias seemed sad. It almost looked like he was going to cry, but that made no sense. It was Nik’s life that was messed up because of this, not his. He was fine. He had his soulmark, he could find his soulmate. He wouldn’t be alone forever. Nik pulled his wrist out of Elias’ grip and speed-walked out of the living room. He closed his bedroom door behind him and sank to the floor against it. Somehow, in the years since he’d found out the truth about his lack of a soulmark, he had never been angry. He was disappointed, sad, and then resigned. But he had never said anything about it to his parents, had never resented them for it. His research had told him that it was a common practice in Russia, especially before the UN banned it, and he had simply accepted that it was normal. Now, for the first time, he was furious. He wanted to throw things and scream at his parents for taking away his soulmate. If he had a soulmate to look for, he wouldn’t be hopelessly in love with his best friend. Nik looked at his phone. It would be just after 10:00am at home in Moscow. Before he could think about it anymore, he picked it up and pressed the number in his mom’s contact. It rang twice before she answered, greeting him excitedly in Russian.“Why did you take away my soulmark?” he asked, his voice shaking with anger.There was a lengthy pause before his mom spoke.“It was what we did, in Russia, back then. Less now, but there are still many of us who would prefer it if no one had soulmarks. Your father and I don’t have soulmarks either. We wouldn’t have married each other if we had.”That was hardly a compelling argument – his parents got along fine, but they weren’t in love like all his teammates’ parents he’d met were. “Don’t you think you’d be happier if you had your soulmate?”“That’s not how the world works, Kolya.” “It is here. Everyone here has a soulmate,” his voice broke. “There are plenty of nice Russian girls who aren’t looking for their soulmates. This summer, I can introduce you,” she offered calmly.Nik saw red. “I don’t want some Russian girl! I want a soulmate.” I want Elias, a small voice in the back of his mind said. The tears that had been threatening started to spill down his cheeks. “Kolya, be reasonable. You might never have met your soulmate. And what if your soulmate was someone unsuitable? What would you do then?” Nik exploded. “Unsuitable? Yeah, I think you would’ve found my soulmate pretty fucking unsuitable! But he would’ve loved me, unlike you.” He hung up and hurled his phone at the wall. The screen smashed, sending glass raining down on his dresser. He turned off the light and crawled into bed, hoping to fall asleep quickly. When he finally drifted off hours later, he dreamed of Elias. Elias, smiling at him from across the ice, holding his hand on the seawall, kissing him on their balcony.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The next morning, Elias is up long before Nik. By the time he drags himself out of bed, narrowly avoiding the remains of his phone screen in the process, Elias is already up and cooking. Unlike Nik, he is actually capable of making edible food, having actually made an effort to learn when he first moved out on his own. Nik could manage eggs, like Elias is making, but much more than that and he’d be risking a visit from the fire department. “Scrambled or fried?” Elias asks, flipping bacon with tongs Nik didn’t know they owned. Nik tries not to dwell on how much he enjoys watching Elias cook him breakfast in pyjamas. He can’t decide whether it’s a good or bad thing that Elias always seems to have a shirt on. “Whatever you’re having.” He grabs a mug and puts a pod into their expresso machine. “I’m sorry about last night,” Elias says, cracking an egg into the bowl beside the stove. “Sorry for what?” Elias didn’t do anything. Nik had run from the conversation about soulmarks, not Elias. Never Elias.Elias turns around to look at him. “I don’t know… you kind of freaked out and ran. I thought I must’ve said something,” his face is blank, unreadable. He’s got his media face on. “It wasn’t anything you did. Talking about soulmarks is just hard sometimes,” Nik reassures him. “Okay,” Elias says. “I won’t bring it up again.” He’s fiddling with his wristband, probably unaware of what he’s doing. Nik wonders, not for the first time, what the letters on his wrist are. “Are you burning our bacon?” Nik asks after a moment. Elias turns to tend to the bacon, and Nik takes his coffee to sit on one of the stools at the counter. He watches Elias finish making their breakfast, sipping his coffee in silence and attempting to think about anything other than his best friend or soulmarks.Elias sets their plates down on the counter and sits down beside Nik. “Are you coming to practice?” he asks. They have an optional practice at 11:00, but Elias has to go because he’s hoping to be back in the lineup for their game against Minnesota tomorrow. “Yeah, I guess I should. I’m surprised it’s optional, after how last night went.” It was the first time they’d been shut out that season, and it was not an experience any of them cared to repeat. Particularly Green, who had had quite a bit to say about their performance after the game. “You’re hopeless without me,” Elias smirked. It hit a little too close to home for Nik, who hadn’t managed a single point with Elias out of the lineup.Nik forced a laugh and took a sip of his coffee before switching to a discussion of the power play. It still wouldn’t be back to normal with Baertschi out, so Nik was hoping he’d get to stay on the top unit. ***Most of the team is already in the locker room when they get to the rink. Apparently being shut out was enough to get even the late risers to the rink.“Petey! Do you want to go home?” Jake grins evilly, holding his water bottle out like a microphone in front of Elias, who glowers at him. Jake is fun, but he can be a little much, especially for someone as calm and reserved as Elias can be. “HA! I told you I could get him to do it!” Jake cheers. It seems to be directed at Ben, his usual partner in crime. “Do what?” Nik plays along, knowing they’ll hear about whatever the troublemakers are up to regardless. “The death stare!” Jake proclaims, as if this should make sense. Elias was studiously ignoring them, pulling on his gear. “Death stare?” Adam seemed just as lost as Nik. He’d only been up with the NHL team since Elias got hurt, but he’d fit in well with the other young guys. Perhaps better than Nik and Elias did.“Don’t you guys ever go on Twitter?” Jake huffed in pretend disappointment. “Yesterday, some moron media guy asked Petey if he wanted to go home, you know, because of the concussion or whatever, and he just gave him this look. Like, if looks could kill, we’d have a serial killer among us.”“You’d be my first victim,” Elias informs him. Jake looks mildly startled, but Nik can see the hint of a smile playing at the corners of Elias’ mouth. “Anyway,” Jake continues with a slightly apprehensive glance at Elias, “it’s a Twitter legend, almost as epic as #shotgunjake. People are calling it the death stare.” “Death stare, huh. That kind of fits,” Brock admits. “Dude, #shotgunjake is like, barely a thing. You’ve scored what, one goal?” Ben chimes in.“Two, which is more than you had all of last year,” Jake says with an offended look. “It is totally a thing. It was trending last time I scored.” “And how long ago was that?” Ben challenges, ignoring the dig about his own lack of scoring. “You don’t score often enough to keep the trend alive.”“You’re one to talk,” Brock points out as he heads out to the ice with most of the other guys.“Just you wait, I’m gonna score tomorrow,” Jake announces haughtily, yanking on his laces with unnecessary force.“Yeah, right,” Ben scoffs. Jake chucks his water bottle in Ben’s general direction. It misses and lands in Troy’s empty stall with a thud. “I’ll have a beer waiting for you. If I score, you’re shotgunning.” “Deal.” Ben and Jake head out to the ice, already chirping each other about proper shotgunning technique. “I’m not familiar with this death stare of yours,” Nik says to Elias, who is patiently waiting for him to finish tying his skates.“It’s only for people I don’t like,” he shrugs as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Aww, you like me.” Nik smiles, nudging Elias with the foot that doesn’t have a skate on it yet.“That might change if you don’t hurry up.” Nik puts his other skate on hastily and follows Elias out to the ice. “Goldobin. When I say practice starts at 11:00, I mean be on the ice at 11:00, not hanging out in the locker room. If you don’t want to be on the ice, that could be arranged,” Green snaps, pretending he didn’t just see Elias step onto the ice, also late. Nik looks up at the time on the jumbotron – 11:02. And it’s just an optional (albeit well-attended) practice.Practice is, predictably, pretty rough. They do a few extra drills that focus on scoring, and Green is quicker to yell at them than usual. Nik isn’t on the first power play unit as he had hoped, but he is on the second and back on a line with Elias. He has a good feeling about their game tomorrow. Getting Elias back has everyone fired up and optimistic about their odds. ***The game against the Wild is even better than Nik expected. He knew it would be great to have Elias back, whether he scored or not, but. Two goals in his first game back? That’s just crazy. A part of Nik is jealous, but it’s hard to be when Elias just smiles, hardly celebrating at all. Roussel chirps him about it sometimes, offering to give him some tips, but Elias always responds by saying his goals don’t count unless they win. They counted tonight, and the first one, the one Nik assisted on, is the game winner. The whole team is buzzing after the game, but Jake is absolutely gleeful because he scored. He’d already spent a good portion of the second intermission gloating and taunting Ben. In fact, he’d seemed visibly disappointed when Ben scored on the empty net in the final minute. “Alright Hutty! I’ve got a beer waiting for you – let’s see your shotgunning skills!” Jake yells as they’re filing off the ice. Not only did Jake have a beer for Ben, it turned out he had brought several. “Who else is celebrating with me? Rooster? Troy? Brock?” A few guys joined in eagerly, half congratulating, half mocking Jake. “Petey?” Jake held out a can of beer. Elias just looked at him for a moment, expressionless. Nik sometimes worried their teammates thought he was being rude or standoffish, which he really wasn’t. “Score a hattrick, and we’ll see,” he deadpanned. “High standards,” Jake laughed before moving on to his next target, Bo. Good luck with that, Nik thought. Bo was all about setting a good example and somehow, not being named Captain at the start of the year had only reinforced it. His fine jar was still in effect, although it was rarely needed anymore.Bo just shook his head and laughed, brushing off Jake’s arguments about being a supportive teammate. Green came in for their postgame talk while a couple guys still had beers in their hands, and Nik was suddenly very glad he had decided not to take part. Green gave Jake a disapproving look, obviously well aware of the origin of the celebration. Green didn’t have much to say, which was always a positive as it meant they’d played well. He congratulated them on a game well played and warned Jake and Ben, who seemed to have moved on to his second beer, to clean up the mess before they left. Once everyone was under control again, the media people came in to do interviews. Elias’ good mood always seemed to dissipate the longer he spoke to reporters. Nik, on the other hand, was usually safe from the media. It was the only upside to not scoring or being of particular interest to the fans – he didn’t have to come up with answers for stupid questions under the pressure of a circle of microphones. Nik could’ve sworn he heard Elias mutter something about morons. ***It’s late by the time they pull into the parking garage of their apartment building. All Nik wants to do is crawl into bed and sleep for a long, long time. He didn’t play as much as he would’ve liked, but he was playing with Elias, and playing well.The ring of his phone pulls Nik out of his stupor as they step into the apartment. He glances at the screen - it’s his sister, Eva. They were close growing up in Moscow and have made an effort to keep in touch since he moved away. He already bought her and his mom tickets to come for Christmas. “Hey, Eva.” He kicks off his shoes, waves goodnight to Elias, and heads for his room.“What did you do?” she sounds upset, like she might’ve been crying. They talked a few days ago, so she must be referring to the argument with their mom. Perhaps argument is putting it too lightly, he reflects. More like the resentment he didn’t know he had finally boiled over and his mom couldn’t even see that she’d done something wrong.“What do you mean, what did I do?” This one was on their mom, not him. He flops onto his bed. He’s too tired for this conversation, but the time difference means it’s the best time.“You know exactly what I’m talking about. Mom called me this morning, she’s absolutely devastated. I tried to talk some sense into her, but…” her voice trails off.“Is she sorry? Why hasn’t she called me?” He pulls at a thread on the comforter, frowning. Eva isn’t making sense.“Sorry? What did she say? She told me you hung up on her before she had a chance to say anything.” “Didn’t she tell you what the fight was about?” Now Nik is confused. “I didn’t know you had a fight. She called me yesterday to rant about what a disgrace you are, how she’s lost her only son and can’t even tell her friends why you won’t be coming home anymore. She said – “There was a pause, like she was considering whether to tell him something or not. “She said she doesn’t have a son anymore. Oh Nik, why would you tell her? They’ll never get over this, you know how it is there.” Oh, he realizes with a jolt.He’d been so angry about his soulmark that he’d completely forgotten the rest of the conversation. It was a testament to how tired and upset he’d been that he hadn’t thought twice about how their phone call had ended.
Unsuitable? Yeah, I think you would’ve found my soulmate pretty fucking unsuitable! But he would’ve loved me, unlike you.
He hadn’t meant to tell her he was gay. He knew better. He’d heard enough homophobic comments from his parents to know that he could never come out to them. He’d been upset and angry, and it had slipped out, and now... He felt a lump form in his throat, knowing he would probably never see or hear from his parents again. “Nik? Are you still there?”“Yes,” he said quietly. What if Eva shut him out too? He had always been too afraid to tell her, uncertain of how she’d react. Unlike his parents, it was hard to tell where she stood. “What about you?” he asked tentatively, hardly breathing as he waited for her answer.“I’m still here. I wish you had told me, but I understand why you didn’t. You’re my brother, no matter what. I love you.” Relief washed over him. He still had Eva.“Thank you,” he said, voice raw with emotion. “Why were you so upset about the soulmark anyway? You’ve never cared before.”He can tell her now, he realizes. She’s always been someone he can turn to for advice, which is definitely something he could use right now. So he tells her about Elias - his soulmark that he keeps covered, his questions about Nik’s soulmark, and something that he’s only beginning to admit to himself.“I think I’m in love with him.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
After he gets off the phone with Eva, Nik goes out to the kitchen to get a glass of water. He reaches for a glass and then stops, trying to steady his shaking hands. He braces himself against the counter and takes a couple of deep breaths. He’s fine, Eva handled it better than he could have hoped. He doesn’t need his parents. “Nik?” Elias emerges from the shadows, making Nik jump. Nik reaches for a glass again and almost drops it. “Is everything ok? Did something happen with Eva?” Elias asks in a concerned voice. Intellectually, Nik knows that he could tell Elias the whole story and Elias would be wonderful and supportive. But after the events of the last few days, it feels risky. There’s always a chance, however unlikely, that it wouldn’t go over well and he’d lose his best friend in addition to his parents. More importantly, it’s well after midnight and he doesn’t have the strength to explain tonight. “Eva’s fine. I had a fight with my mom a couple days ago and she tried to bring Eva into it,” All true, but missing some key pieces of information. “Do you want to talk about it?” Elias tries to hide a yawn.“Not tonight.” Nik fills his glass with water. “See you in the morning.” He heads back to his room, feeling Elias’ gaze on his back the whole way. He doubts they’re done talking about this. ***Elias doesn’t bring it up until he’s driving them home from practice the next day. “So, last night,” he says as they pull out of the parking lot. “Do you want to talk about it now?” He shuts the music off. Nik stares out the window, considering. He could say no and Elias wouldn’t forget about it, but he’d let it go. He’ll notice, though, if Nik stops talking to and about his parents. “I said something to my mom when we fought and… I can’t take it back. I can’t apologize. She’s never going to speak to me again.”“She’ll get over it, she’s your mom. She loves you.” Elias sounds so sure, and maybe it would be true for his family. Nik knows with absolute certainty that his parents are done with him. He tried calling a couple times before they left for practice, and only got voicemail. A few minutes later he received a text from his mom: Stop calling. “She told Eva she doesn’t have a son anymore,” he says. Elias thinks for a moment before responding.“What did you say to her?” They stop at a red light and Elias looks over at him. Nik fidgets with his seatbelt, but he knows he’s only delaying the inevitable. Elias is too smart to be fooled by whatever story he could come up with – and he’s a terrible liar anyway. “I told her I’m gay.” The light turns green but Elias doesn’t seem to notice. Nik risks a glance at him, but his face is unreadable. The car behind them honks, pulling Elias out of his thoughts. “Elias?” he says tentatively. Please tell me what you’re thinking. “They’re your family. I can’t believe they would cut you out of their lives for something you can’t even control.” His knuckles are white from gripping the steering wheel too tightly. He seems… angry? “It doesn’t matter to you?” Nik checks.“It doesn’t change anything,” Elias says. Which doesn’t quite answer Nik’s question, but it also doesn’t seem like Elias is going to shun him or look for a new roommate. “I didn’t mean to tell her. I was upset about my soulmark and it slipped out. I didn’t even realize what I’d said until Eva called. I never would have told anyone – there’s no point, since I don’t even have a soulmate.”“Stop saying that.”“What?”“That you don’t have a soulmate. Yeah, you don’t have the mark, but your soulmate is still out there even if you can’t find each other.” Nik doesn’t know what to make of that. He hadn’t thought of it that way – Elias is right, he does still have a soulmate. Only, he doesn’t want his soulmate, even if he could find him. He wants Elias.***Their next game is on Halloween, against Chicago. The team celebrated Halloween the previous night. Nik and Elias were minions. “I’m scoring tonight, and this time you’re not going to ruin it with an empty net goal,” Jake yells across the locker room to Ben. Someone thought it would be a good idea to put their stalls on opposite sides of the room, but it just makes them loud and gets more people involved.Bo raises an eyebrow. “By ‘ruin it’ do you mean ensure we win the game?” “You’re no fun,” Jake tells him. “At least Ben will participate in the #shotgunjake movement.”“If he gets a hat trick, we’re all doing it,” Ben grins. “Even Petey said he would.”“Jake won’t get a hat trick.” Elias doesn’t even look up from his skates. Nik frowns. He knows that Elias is only teasing, that when he says things that come across a little harsh it’s just his sense of humour, but not all of their teammates understand that yet. “You are one mean rookie,” Jake observes in an affronted tone, pulling on his under armour. “When I was a rookie, I was much nicer. Wasn’t I?” He glances around the room, but very few people are left from when Jake was a rookie. Bo just shakes his head and ignores Jake, but Tanev pipes up. “For sure. But Petey knows how to be quiet.” Elias doesn’t say another word until near the end of warmup. It’s unusual, even for him. He skates over to where Nik is practicing his shot and narrowly avoids taking a stick to the face.“Am I too mean?” he asks, almost too softly to be heard over the sounds of pucks being launched into the net.Nik is taken aback. First of all, he didn’t think Elias cared what anyone thought. Second, doesn’t he know that everyone loves him because of how hard he works and what he can do on the ice? “No, of course not.” Elias looks sceptical. “They don’t always get your sense of humour. Besides, Jake needs to be chirped – he thrives off it. He wouldn’t know what to do with himself if people didn’t make fun of him.”Elias doesn’t seem entirely convinced, and matters don’t improve when he doesn’t laugh at Ben’s joke on the bench early in the first.“Is he even human? Total ice queen,” Ben mutters to Bo, who looks like he’s about to launch into a lecture but has to take a face-off instead. Based on the hurt expression that flashes across Elias’ face, he heard too. Before Nik can think of something to say to Elias, they’re on their feet celebrating Jake’s goal. “Want to change your prediction?” Jake asks Elias after he scores his second goal. Elias just shakes his head and watches the replay. “A goal every period!” Jake proclaims in the second intermission. “Gotta prove the haters wrong.” Nik glances at Elias, who is still strangely quiet.Jake doesn’t manage to complete his hat trick, but they beat Chicago 4-2. “Damn, I really wanted that hatty,” he shakes his head as they file back into the dressing room. Despite the win, he seems a little deflated.Once the media is gone and Jake and Ben start distributing their beers, Elias is first in line. “Good game tonight, you came close,” he tells Jake sincerely. It takes Jake a moment to recover. It’s probably the nicest thing Elias has ever said to him. “Who are you, and what have you done with Petey?” he exclaims. “He’s being too nice, it’s scaring me!” Jake is grinning from ear to ear. Elias is the youngest on the team, but he’s also the most talented, so his praise means a lot.“Do you need a demonstration of how it’s done?” Ben asks Elias with a wicked grin. In response, Elias shotguns his beer like a pro. Ben and Jake look vaguely impressed.
“I figure it’s the closest you’ll ever get to a hattrick.”Jake laughs. “Big talk from someone who had no points tonight.”“See, they like you,” Nik says when Elias sits back down beside him. The vulnerable Elias from earlier is nowhere to be seen. “Of course they do – I score goals. You should try it sometime.” Ouch. Sometimes Elias’ teasing insults are a little too true to be funny. Maybe Nik likes quiet Elias better after all. ***Thursday afternoon, they’re hanging out at home and Nik has just lost a third straight game of Fortnite. “You’re too competitive,” he complains. Elias plays every game like his life depends on it. It’s great when they’re on the ice, but less ideal for video games unless they’re on the same team.“You’re terrible at this,” Elias informs him with a smile. Nik tosses his controller on the coffee table and reaches for more chips.“I’m having an off-day,” he claims. “I’ll beat you tomorrow.”Elias just laughs at him, well aware that Nik will do no such thing. He almost always loses. “We should go somewhere this weekend.” After their game against Colorado tomorrow, they have the weekend off before another six-game road trip. “Why? We leave for Detroit on Monday. Where could we even go?” Nik has no problem spending his days off playing video games or exploring Vancouver.“It would be fun. Brock and Bo said Victoria is nice. We can take the ferry Saturday morning, so we’d have all day Saturday and all day Sunday. There’s a nine o’clock ferry Sunday night we can take to be back in plenty of time for our flight on Monday.”“As long as you do all the planning, I’m in.” Nik can see Elias’ excitement in his icy blue eyes. If he wants to go, Nik isn’t going to argue. He doesn’t want to spend the weekend alone while Elias drags someone else to Vancouver Island.Elias pulls out his laptop, already scheming. “I was thinking we could take the 9:00am ferry, which gets us to Victoria around 11:00. Then I have a few ideas for things we can do in Victoria…” Elias starts reading off a document he had apparently already compiled.“Whatever you want to do is fine. If hockey doesn’t work out, you could always be a travel agent.” “Maybe I’ll book you a flight back to Russia.” Nik flinches. He doesn’t have a home in Moscow anymore. Elias realizes his mistake. “Or I could always send you to Antarctica.” Nik kicks him. “First you’re dragging me to Victoria, now you want to get rid of me? What am I supposed to do in Antarctica?”“Penguins,” Elias says flatly. Nik loves the way he can say absolutely anything with a straight face. It makes everything twice as funny, and on more than one occasion he’s managed to make himself look like a complete idiot by laughing too hard at something Elias said. And the death stare… Elias gets in trouble with PR for it, but it’s just so unbelievably cute, Nik can’t handle it. “I’ll bring you with me so I can feed you to the polar bears.”“There are no polar bears in Antarctica,” Elias says condescendingly. Nik should probably have known that. Maybe if he’d paid a little more attention in school, he would’ve. Elias seemed like the kind of guy who could get perfect grades despite spending every spare second at the rink. “Killer whales, then. Hey, we should go whale watching this weekend.” Nik looks over Elias’ shoulder at the list.“So you can feed me to killer whales? No thanks.” He opens up a new window and starts researching whale watching anyway.“I don’t think coming back from Victoria without you would make Green like me any better,” Nik points out.“He’ll come around.” Nik isn’t so sure. There has never been a reason that he’s aware of, but he’s always gotten the sense that Green would be happier if Nik wasn’t on the team.***The weekend gets off to a great start with a wild 7-6 overtime win against the Avalanche. Any underlying issues with Green are completely swept under the rug in the excitement of the back and forth game. Nik can’t remember the last time he had so much fun playing hockey – and he didn’t even score. Brock and Elias were absolutely lethal together, each scoring two goals. Elias ends the night with five points (five!), including the tying goal with 6 seconds left in regulation. Nik’s two assists are less impressive, but they count all the same. Getting up early Saturday morning to catch their ferry is considerably less fun. “Why did I let you talk me into this?” Nik complains as he makes himself a cup of coffee to go. It’s barely after 7:00 and he’s still at least 50% asleep. Elias, on the other hand, is disturbingly awake. “It’s going to be great!” he insists. He already ate breakfast and finished packing while Nik was still trying to drag himself out of bed. “I’m rethinking my choice of friends,” Nik says without conviction. This is a side of Elias he rarely sees – fun and relaxed. No matter what he’s doing, a piece of Elias always seems to be pre-occupied with hockey. It’s worth getting up at 7:00am just to see him like this. “Rethink it in the car. We need to leave in the next ten minutes.” Elias pulls a couple Gatorades out of the fridge and fits them into the cooler. Since when do they even have a cooler?“What’s in the cooler?”“Lunch. We can buy something on the ferry and save this for when we get there. I booked whale watching for this afternoon, and then we can check in to our hotel and walk around downtown until dinner. I made a reservation.” “Wow. I’m impressed.” When Nik imagined this trip, he didn’t realize there would be a whole itinerary. He should have known they wouldn’t be wandering around Victoria randomly – Elias was too organized for that. “I don’t know why you’re so surprised, you saw my list of possible activities.” Elias opens the snack cupboard and examines the options before tossing a couple granola bars into the cooler. Nik wonders how he found the time to research and book everything. “You made us lunch. Crazy.” Nik says in disbelief, peering into the cooler. “It’s just sandwiches, don’t get excited.” It’s not just sandwiches – there’s a container of veggies and a couple apples as well. Elias must’ve gotten up early to put it all together.“If you’re pulling together a weekend like this for me, I can’t even imagine what you’d come up with for a romantic getaway.” Nik can already tell that he’ll be spending a lot of time reminding himself that that’s not what this is. “Your soulmate is going to be one lucky girl.” “Or guy.” Elias zips up the cooler and carries it over to the door. “I’m going to start loading the car, so you’d better hurry up.” He grabs his suitcase and heads out into the hallway. Nik takes another sip of coffee. He’s going to need it. ‘Or guy’ echoes in his head, reminding him of what would be possible if it weren’t for the soulmarks. Not for the first time, he wishes they didn’t exist. They leave ten minutes late, because of course Nik didn’t 100% finish packing the night before, and Elias is annoyed. “If we miss the ferry, it’s your fault, and we’ll have gotten up early for no reason,” he warns as Nik runs back upstairs to get his phone charger. Finally organized and in the car, Nik sets up google maps, which tells him they’ll arrive at the ferry terminal with ten minutes to spare. He gives Elias a smug look. It’s no surprise that he didn’t actually make them late – in true Elias fashion, there was a considerable buffer built into their departure time. Elias was never late for anything. ***On the ferry, the first thing they do is check out the sun deck. It’s a gorgeous fall morning, cold but bright. The view of the ocean makes up for the brisk wind cutting through their clothes. They pause just outside the door, facing into the wind. The feeling of almost being blown over backwards is exhilarating and refreshing. Elias is smiling, hair blowing around his face. Nik wants to freeze time and stay on this ridiculous trip with Elias forever.“Race you to the front!” Elias is already running, arms outstretched like wings. A few people give them disapproving looks, but Nik mimics him and takes off running towards the front of the boat. “I’m flying!” Elias calls back to Nik, who is definitely losing. He’ll gladly lose every video game, every race, every skills competition, as long as he’s with Elias.Nik skids to a halt beside Elias, who is leaning against the railing looking out at the ocean.“You’re slow.”“You cheated.” They stand in silence for a few minutes, letting the crisp fall wind blow around them. Vancouver Island isn’t visible yet, only ocean and the cloudless sky. “Excuse me, are you Elias Pettersson?” They turn around to see a hopeful-looking kid behind them, with his mom waiting patiently a little farther away. He kid looks about eight, not that Nik is the best judge of age. The kid is wearing a Canucks hat, so it’s not surprising that he recognized Elias.“Yes I am. What’s your name?” Elias talking to kids is so, so different from when he has to deal with adult fans or media. He loves kids and absolutely lights up around them. “Henry,” the kid says timidly. “Nice to meet you, Henry. Would you like me to sign your hat?” The kid nods, eyes wide, and takes it off. Elias pulls a sharpie out of his pocket and carefully signs the hat.“Could we take a picture?” Henry’s mom asks.“Of course.” Nik moves out of the way so Henry can stand next to Elias. He’s used to this - sometimes people recognize him, or figure out who he is when they see Elias, but a lot of the time he’s invisible. He prefers the anonymity. Elias doesn’t mind being approached by kids or the occasional polite fan, but they’ve both had their share of unpleasant experiences with rude, pushy fans. “I guess I should have worn a hat,” Elias says after Henry leaves, grinning from ear to ear and telling his mom over and over that he met Pettersson.“Probably wouldn’t help much. I have the best disguise.” Elias looks confused. “Not scoring. Fans don’t care about me.”“No whining about that this weekend.” Elias hates it when he makes self-deprecating comments, because Elias believes anything is possible if you work hard enough. It might be true for him, but not for Nik.“I don’t whine.” Elias raises an eyebrow. Nik tries and fails to glare at him. “Let’s get food.”They go to the cafeteria and then browse the giftshop for a while. A few more fans stop them along the way, most of whom recognize Nik too. They walk laps around the sun deck until they get too cold, then find a place to sit inside for the rest of the ferry ride.After a while, Nik notices two girls about their age hovering by the vending machines. They’re whispering about something and keep sneaking glances at Elias.He nudges Elias with his elbow. “I think you have fans.” Elias looks up, then immediately back at his phone. He’s been texting almost non-stop since they sat down.“I wish people would either talk to me or leave me alone. The staring is creepy.” “How do you think reporters feel about the death stare.” Elias ignores him. A few minutes later, the brunette finally works up the courage to come over. “Hi,” she says, twirling a piece of her hair nervously. Elias puts his phone down, clearly irritated. “Hi?”“Um, I watch hockey, and so I recognized you, and, um.” She pushes up her sleeve and holds out her left wrist.Dread pools in Nik’s stomach. Her soulmark is EP. Strangely, Elias seems even more annoyed by her presence than before.“What are your initials?” he asks in a tone that is decidedly unfriendly, like he’s hoping they don’t match his soulmark. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking on Nik’s part. “MC. Mary Crawford.” She’s swaying from side to side nervously now, and Nik would feel bad for her if he wasn’t also anxiously waiting to hear Elias’ answer.Elias doesn’t touch his wristband. He shakes his head. “Sorry.” She looks crestfallen. “Good luck finding him,” he adds in a much friendlier tone. She nods awkwardly and retreats to where her friend is waiting.Nik is dizzy with relief. The time between seeing the EP on her wrist and hearing Elias’ response seemed to stretch on forever. It was more nerve-wracking than the draft and his first NHL game combined. He doesn’t look at Elias, as he tries to school his features into something acceptable. When he does, Elias is scrolling through Instagram as if nothing happened. “Has that happened before?” Nik hadn’t realized how easy it would be for Elias’ soulmate to find him. All they’d have to do is show up to a signing and show him their wrist.“No.” Elias stares intently at his phone. Nik lets it drop. If he doesn’t want to discuss it, he won’t, and Nik isn’t keen to try his luck against the death stare. Troy says it’s like talking to a brick wall. ***As far as Nik knows, they’re going directly from the ferry to the harbour for whale watching. It’s a half hour drive outside of the city, along a scenic coastal highway. The parts of Victoria Nik sees along the way seem quite similar to Vancouver, but perhaps with slightly more character. It’s almost like Gas Town, which he loves.When Google Maps says they’re still 7 minutes from their destination, Elias unexpectedly turns down a narrow side-road. It’s poorly paved and overgrown in places, and it turns out to be more of a lane than a road.“Where are we going?” Nik asks, re-calibrating Google Maps to make sure they did in fact veer off course.“Wait and see,” Elias says mysteriously.The ocean comes into view after a couple of minutes. The lane ends at a gravel lot with space for half a dozen cars to park. Elias pulls in beside a white Jeep, the only other car in the lot. When Nik steps out of the car, he spots a cluster of faded signs and a path leading through the rocks and bushes towards the beach. He pulls his sunglasses on and takes the cooler from Elias.“I thought we could have lunch on the beach before we go whale-watching,” Elias explains.“How did you even find this place?” It seems like the sort of spot locals would tell you about, not somewhere he could’ve found by googling.“A friend told me about it. Her grandparents brought her here a couple of times.” Elias locks the car and starts walking down the path. Nik didn’t know Elias had made any friends outside the team, and he points this out. “Of course I have friends.” Elias sounds mildly offended, although it doesn’t show on his face. “I know you have friends, I just didn’t think you’d had time to meet anyone besides teammates and fans in Vancouver,” Nik corrects.The path down to the beach is short, but requires caution as the footing is uneven. The beach is small and pebbly, with tall rocks blocking it off from the rest of the coastline to the left and right. They spread a blanket on a relatively flat section and start unpacking the cooler. A chilly wind keeps threatening to blow the blanket away. It’s certainly not ideal beach weather, but they’re only there for a quick lunch and to enjoy the view.Once they have everything organized, Elias resumes their earlier conversation. “You’re right,” he concedes.Nik is momentarily confused. “Right about what? And can I record you saying that?” he teases.“It is hard to meet people. No time, too many fans, and making friends is hard enough anyway. I met Millie online. Back when I didn’t get so many messages, she sent me a DM to welcome me to Vancouver. I asked her a few things about the city, and we started talking.” Elias shrugs. “I’ve only met her a couple times, we mostly text.”It’s strange that Elias hasn’t mentioned her before. Nik nods silently and continues eating his sandwich. It occurs to him that maybe Elias is hoping Millie is his soulmate, and that’s why he was weird about the girl on the ferry. He pushes the thought away, refusing to let soulmarks ruin his weekend with Elias.They finish their lunch and linger on the beach until Elias says it’s time to go. Reluctantly, Nik helps pack the cooler and fold the blanket. They take a few pictures of the view and spend a couple more minutes watching the waves crash against the rocks. When Elias isn’t paying attention, Nik takes a picture of him. The angle shows part of his face, expressionless in that way that is so perfectly Elias, looking out over the water. He’d make it his lock screen, but that might seem weird. No, his teammates would definitely notice. The photo was too nice to be a joke.***Whale-watching is fun, but not the highlight of the trip. They see four humpback whales, one of which swims alarmingly close to the boat. They also spot a pod of killer whales (orcas, the guide corrects them) from a distance. Too far away for him to feed Elias to them, Nik jokes. “Maybe I’ll throw you overboard for the orcas,” Elias says as if he’s seriously considering it. Nik laughs, ignoring the shocked face of the elderly woman beside them.“I doubt you’re strong enough to get me off the boat. You’re taller, but I’m not built like a twig. You’re the one who would be going for a swim.” Elias’ eyes narrow dangerously. Nik probably shouldn’t have said anything about his size and strength – he’s seen how much Elias hates it when the media bring it up. “Only if you could catch me.”“There’s nowhere to run on a boat,” he continues despite Elias’ mutinous expression. If it was summer, Nik is confident Elias would’ve chucked him overboard already, if only by sheer force of will. And that would be unfortunate and humiliating, because Nik’s swimming abilities are not up to the task of navigating ocean waves.Elias gives him another scathing look before turning his attention to the guide, who is giving a lesson on orcas’ behaviour. Nik doubts he’s actually mad. He tends to have more patience with Nik than with other people. The only time Elias has ever been truly angry with him was for not back checking hard enough after he turned the puck over in one of their first games. The other team scored, they lost, and Green has it filed away under ‘things Goldy does wrong’. Elias’ reaction was enough motivation to back-check as hard as he can every time after that, even if he thinks he has no chance of catching up. It’s getting close to dinnertime by the time they arrive at the hotel. It’s right downtown, within easy walking distance of everything. Nik checks them in and chats with the concierge while Elias parks. They go up to their room to drop off their suitcases, and relax until dinner. Nik flops on his bed, all set to lie there until it’s time to go. “I’m not taking you out for dinner dressed like that,” Elias informs him. “I told you I made a reservation, I hope you packed something nice.” Elias disappears into the bathroom, leaving Nik to ponder the phrasing of his statement. He had almost made it sound like a date, which of course it wasn’t. It was just a translation thing, Nik reminded himself, trying to quell the hopeful feelings.Luckily, he had packed his not-ripped black jeans and a button-down shirt. Elias always seemed to be perfectly dressed for every occasion, so he’d decided to err on the side of caution with his packing. Especially since he’d agreed to doing whatever Elias wanted and hadn’t asked much about their plans for the weekend.“Is my outfit acceptable now?” he asked Elias, who looked great as always. His hair was still a little mussed from the wind, and Nik resisted the urge to smooth it. Elias sort of froze for a moment. “It’ll do,” he said with a smile.***The restaurant Elias had chosen was fancy, definitely not the kind of Nik could’ve worn ripped jeans and a hoodie to. While they waited for their table to be ready, it occurred to Nik that it was also the kind of restaurant people went on dates to. There were candles, and couples seated at almost all of the tables he could see. “You two make a very cute couple,” their server said with a knowing smile, disappearing with their drink order before either of them managed to formulate a response. Elias blushed and stared intently at his menu. Nik followed his lead and ignored the server’s comment. He looked at his menu, debating whether teasing Elias about the restaurant would make it better or worse.“Millie picked the restaurant,” Elias explained after a strange silence. That was just as peculiar. Oh well. They were here now, and it was the closest he’d ever get to a date with Elias. Might as well enjoy it.“It seems like a nice place. Good menu.” Elias appeared to relax after that, and it was like any other time they’d had dinner, albeit with a little more candlelight. And if there were a few moments where it almost seemed like Elias was trying to flirt with him, it was easily attributed to the atmosphere.Nik paid, insisting it was the least he could do after Elias had planned everything. “Besides,” he added with a sly grin. “Our server already thinks we’re a couple. I wouldn’t want her to think I’m too cheap to buy my boyfriend dinner.” He regrets it as soon as the words leave his mouth. Calling Elias his boyfriend isn’t funny, at least not to him. Not when he wants it to be true so much it hurts.“Wouldn’t want you to get a bad reputation in Victoria,” Elias laughs.On their way back to the hotel, they pass the ice cream shop the concierge recommended when Nik was checking in. Luckily, it’s open despite the hour and cold weather.“Let’s get dessert,” Nik suggests, pointing across the street at the ice cream shop. “You know we’re not supposed to be eating dessert,” Elias argued.“What is it that they say? Cat’s away, mice can play? No one is here to tell us not to.” The mice were the ones on vacation, but close enough. Elias looked at him blankly. “Are you sure people say that? Or are you making up English phrases to confuse me?” Ben had done that a few times, until he’d gotten in trouble with Edler for it. He, along with Nik and several others, understood how hard it was to learn a new language.“You can’t distract me from ice cream. C’mon.” He grabbed Elias by the arm and pulled him towards the crosswalk. Reluctantly, Elias followed him across the street and into the shop.Nik tried a few flavours before settling on a bizarre green, orange, and black one called Leaping Lizard. It tasted like black licorice and orange. Elias, picky as always, gets plain chocolate and gives Nik’s cone a disdainful look. “Want to try it?” Nik offers, well aware that Elias does not.“I’d rather take my chances with your cooking,” Elias says. It’s a rather scathing assessment of the ice cream, considering how Nik’s latest attempt to make dinner went. In response, Nik takes a picture of Elias to send to their teammates. Bo: You’re a bad influence. Jake: If Petey’s having ice cream, so am I! Nik shows Elias, who pulls out his phone and types a response. Elias: You can’t afford to eat any more ice cream. Jake responds with a bunch of angry emojis that prompt further chirps from their teammates. Elias adds a photo of Nik’s ice cream, launching a debate about traditional vs. non-traditional ice cream flavours.They stay in the shop to finish their ice cream without freezing to death, then head back to the hotel. It takes half an hour of watching trailers before they can agree on a movie. With Elias half-asleep and pressed against his side, Nik reflects that it’s one of the best days he’s ever had. ***Sunday passes in a blur. They fell asleep watching the movie, so Nik wakes up with Elias half on top of him. It’s a pretty great way to start the morning, actually. He doesn’t move until Elias wakes up and slides off him, apologizing for falling asleep in his bed.“You’re very cuddly,” Nik says without thinking. He needs coffee before he says or does something worse. He manages to play it off as a joke with a stilted laugh and escapes the situation by ducking into the bathroom. Over breakfast in the hotel dining room, Elias outlines their schedule for the day. Their first stop is the Parliament Buildings, which Elias insists are essential to a proper tourist experience. They take a tour and learn more than Nik cares to remember about the Canadian government. Elias claims it has quite a bit in common with Sweden’s government, except with a provincial system. Nik doesn’t know or care to know details about Russia’s government, because he moved away before he was old enough to vote. Now that he’s no longer welcome in his childhood home, he probably won’t even spend much of the summer in Moscow. He’s known for a long time that he’ll never move back to Russia – even without a soulmate, he doesn’t want to live somewhere it isn’t ok to be gay. Vancouver is his home now. After their tour, they walk around the Inner Harbour and downtown aimlessly, stopping for lunch at a quaint seafood restaurant by the water. Their hands brushed once as they were walking down Government Street, and after that Nik couldn’t stop thinking about holding Elias’ hand. It was absurd, and he knew that, but it didn’t stop him from wishing. Soulmarks were supposed to make falling in love and finding someone to spend your life with easy. He wondered for the first time whether having initials on his wrist would’ve changed anything. If he’d met Elias before his soulmate, letters on his wrist wouldn’t have stopped him from falling in love.***The rest of the afternoon was spent shopping and walking and laughing with Elias. Victoria is a beautiful city. When it started to get dark, they found a pub to have dinner at. Afterwards, they still had time before they needed to be at the ferry terminal, so they stayed at the pub to watch Columbus play Anaheim. Nik was sorry the weekend had to end, but he was also looking forward to their road trip out East. Brock was injured, so Nik had switched to room with Elias for the trip. If they had the time, maybe they could explore a few more cities on their days off. Standing at the front of the ferry with the wind blowing against his face, nothing felt the same as it had two days ago. Their weekend trip had, if possible, made his feelings for Elias even more intense. Nik was more aware than ever of what he couldn’t have, and what he stood to lose when Elias found his soulmate. Then it would be Elias and his soulmate eating dinner in a candlelit restaurant and getting out of town for the weekend, leaving Nik alone in Vancouver.
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After getting home just before midnight, Monday morning comes far too soon. They have to get up early to pack for the six-game road trip, and Nik considers it a certainty that he is going to forget things. Even with coffee, packing before 8:00am is a challenge. Elias, who was so energetic on Saturday morning, also seems subdued. Long road trips are exhausting, so starting it off tired probably wasn’t their most brilliant plan.“What was I thinking? This is a nightmare.” He’s referring to the food in the fridge that will have to be thrown out, but Nik figures it applies to the whole morning. “Bring it on the plane?” Nik suggests with a yawn. Elias gives him a frosty you-are-such-a-moron look. “What are we going to do with,” he pauses for effect, “a carton of milk on the plane?” It’s a valid point. Nik takes the milk from him and pours it onto his cereal. “Problem solved.” Elias rolls his eyes and continues going through the fridge. It never would have occurred to Nik to throw the food out before the trip rather than after, when it’s rotten and disgusting. Elias finishes packing a full 20 minutes before Nik does, and spends the rest of the time “helping” him pack. Elias’ version of helping consists of critiquing his packing technique, which is admittedly a little iffy, and passing judgement on his clothing choices.“That shirt is going to be wrinkled,” Elias informs him, as if he wasn’t aware. “Although it couldn’t make it look much worse.” Nik continues stuffing it between his shoes and the side of his suitcase, despite the fact that he’s not going to wear it if Elias thinks it’s ugly. “I’ve changed my mind; I don’t want to be your roommate on this trip. You’re annoying.” “Good. Tyler can put up with your mess.” Nik glances around his room. It is an absolute disaster, but that’s only because he’s packing. Well, maybe some of it was there before. Anyway, he knows neither of them are serious about changing rooms. Since Brock is on IR with a groin strain, Nik asked to be roommates with Elias for the trip. The smart choice would be to keep his distance until he can get a handle on his feelings, but Nik has never pretended to be particularly wise.***The game in Detroit is disappointing, other than Elias’ Gretzky-esque goal. He hated being compared to famous players, but that didn’t stop anyone, least of all their teammates. The media went absolutely wild every time Brock said Pettersson played like Datsyuk. The 8-5 win in Boston makes up for Detroit, and Edler was extraordinarily excited after the game. Normally calm no matter what, he seemed liable to start skipping any second. It was understandable though, considering he’d lost to Boston in the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals. And Marchand was always an asshole on the ice. He would’ve been making a sizeable donation to the You Can Play jar if Bo was his captain. The shootout loss to Buffalo stings. The Canucks lost a two-goal lead late in the third and couldn’t get things back on track in overtime. They arrive in New York that evening, still feeling the effects of a bad loss. The whole team goes out for dinner, but the mood is sombre at first.“Alright, that’s enough moping,” Roussel declares after a few minutes of silence and half-hearted chirps. “I can’t handle it, it goes against my nature.”“Rooster is right. Let’s put it behind us and get the win next game,” Bo says. He takes losses harder than almost anyone, except maybe Elias. Nik hates losing, they all do, but he bounces back fast. Sometimes too fast for Elias’ liking. He’s learned the hard way that sometimes it’s better to leave Elias alone than to try to cheer him up. “Madison Square Garden is a fun building to visit,” Bo continues. “And it’ll be Petey’s birthday, so we’d better win this one.”“Two points is the only birthday present I want,” Elias smiles, fishing ice out of his water with his spoon. Nik covers a laugh with a cough. Elias is so picky – only he would have a problem with ice cubes.“Good, cuz that’s all you’re getting!” Jake laughs. “Or maybe I could be convinced to buy you a drink after the game.” His comment earns him a glare from Bo, who has a strict no-giving-alcohol-to-underage-rookies policy. This year, it only applies to Elias, who hardly drinks anyway. “I wouldn’t say no to a breakaway either,” Elias adds, depositing the last ice cube into Nik’s water.“Nah, breakaways are my thing,” Jake argues with a dismissive wave. “You never take penalties, which seriously reduces your chances of scoring a breakaway goal.” It’s true that Jake gets quite a few breakaway chances when he steps out of the penalty box.“Is that why you take so many penalties?” Bo asks mockingly. Jake scowls at him and mouths something that looks suspiciously like ‘says you’. “I only need one breakaway to score,” Elias says, emphasizing the ‘I’. Jake can’t even argue with that, because it’s true. Jake is the faster skater, but no one has a release quite like Elias. When he shoots, the puck goes in. Nik usually hits the post or misses entirely. At least, that’s how it’s felt in the 17 games since he last scored. His goal in the season opener feels like a lifetime ago.*** (Switch to Elias’ POV)They have a free afternoon and evening in New York, which isn’t nearly long enough for all the sights Elias would like to see. He prioritizes and convinces a few of the guys to visit the Empire State Building with him. Troy, Ben, and Jake all went last year but go again anyway. Nik has only been to New York once several years ago when he was just a call-up and didn’t go sightseeing at all. The Empire State Building is very, very busy, and although it’s cool and famous, Elias would rather be wandering around Victoria with Nik. Elias goes for dinner with Lias Andersson, an old friend from Sweden who plays for the Rangers. It’s been months since they last saw each other, or really even talked, but they’re able to keep the conversation flowing easily throughout dinner. They stick to pretty basic topics - mostly hockey and their teammates. He catches Lias looking oddly at his wristband, but he doesn’t say anything until after he’s insisted on paying the cheque as a birthday gift and they’re about to leave. “Why are you wearing a wristband? I thought once you made it to the NHL, you were going to start looking for your soulmate,” Lias says casually, but it’s obvious that he’s been wondering about it and wants a proper explanation. He’s not going to get one. “I changed my mind.” Elias avoids eyes contact, fixing his gaze on a painting to their left instead.“Why?” Lias persists. Elias had forgotten how pushy he could be. “I have to focus on hockey. There’s no time,” he lied, not surprised when his friend didn’t fall for the flimsy excuse. “So maybe you don’t have time to look, but why not leave it uncovered so your soulmate can find you?”“I don’t want my soulmate to find me,” he admits quietly. It feels safe to admit that much, since Lias has never met Nik and Elias was careful not to talk about him too much. “Why not?” Lias asks. Elias realizes that he miscalculated when a look of comprehension crosses Lias’ face. “Is there someone else?”“No,” Elias says stonily. He wants to run far, far away from this conversation.“I hope not,” Lias says, eyes narrowing sceptically. “You’re too smart to do something that would undoubtedly end in heartbreak. Non-soulmate relationships never work.”“I know!” Elias snaps. He knows how it would end. He has to remind himself every time he catches himself admiring Nik for too long. Their weekend in Victoria only made things worse. He can’t let himself imagine, even for a moment, what it would be like if Nik felt the same way. Nik doesn’t have a soulmate, but Elias does. What would he do if he had to choose between Nik and his soulmate? It’s not a position he ever wants to be in.“I just don’t want you to get hurt,” Lias says, looking even more worried than before. “Or break someone’s heart.”“I’m not an idiot,” Elias says defensively.“I hope not.” There’s an awkward silence. He knows it’s unreasonable, but Elias can’t help resenting his friend for pointing out all the reasons it’s wrong to fall in love with Nik. When he’s with Nik, it’s easy to forget because it feels so right.“Ready to go?” Elias suggests. Lias nods, and they grab their coats, thanking the hostess on the way out. Outside, Elias resolves to pretend everything is normal. He rarely gets to see his friend and doesn’t want to end the night on bad terms. “It was good to see you,” he says.“You too.” Lias hugs him. “Happy birthday.”“It will be, when we beat you tomorrow,” Elias smirks, and the tension is broken.“In that case, I hope you have a very bad night tomorrow!” Lias laughs.Lias takes a taxi, but Elias opts to walk the couple blocks back to the hotel. New York is beautiful at night. Beautiful, but too frantic and densely populated for his liking. Vancouver is better, he decides.Lias’ warnings echo in his head as he walks. He knows Lias is right. He’s heard of people who decided to ignore their soulmarks to be together, but the stories always have a tragic ending. ‘It’s different when you meet your soulmate. You can’t help it’, he remembers reading in one particularly sad article about a couple who had been together ten years, only for one of them to meet their soulmate and break things off. Elias can’t imagine choosing to do that, but then, those people obviously didn’t either.It’s not only about the soulmarks. Nik probably isn’t interested anyway, he reminds himself.Deep down, he knows he’s lying to himself, but the fear of losing his best friend keeps him from doing something stupid. *** (Back to Nik's POV) Nik had hoped to take Elias out for lunch after morning skate to celebrate his birthday. Instead, most of the younger guys end up grabbing lunch at a sandwich shop near their hotel. On the way back, Nik makes sure he and Elias lag behind the group, ostensibly to discuss the upcoming game.“I need to score.” Nik sighs. “My defensive mistakes don’t matter so much when I make I for them on the scoresheet.” It’s what Green has been telling him all season – he needs to work on his play without the puck, and at the very least compensate for his mistakes with offensive production. Except Green delivers the message with an angry air of disappointment. “Something will go in eventually,” Elias assures him. Easy for him to say, with his 10 goals and sky-high shooting percentage. “And I know Green has a never-ending supply of video to show you, but your defense is usually fine.” Elias keeps talking, probably offering more scoring advice, but Nik is looking for the street he found on Google Maps before morning skate.“Let’s go this way,” he interrupts, grabbing Elias by the arm and pulling him down a side street.“What are you doing?” Elias yelps in surprise but follows Nik as he weaves in and out of the crowd.Nik stops suddenly in front of a high-end looking bakery. Elias nearly crashes into him but manages to catch himself with a hand on the window. Behind the glass is a cute but simple looking bakery with a couple eating pie at a table by the window. At the back of the room is a counter and a glass case filled with baked goods.“We’re getting you birthday cake,” Nik grins, pulling the door open with a flourish. The bell jangles loudly, causing the cashier to look up. Her face lights up when her eyes land on Elias.“We’re not supposed to have cake,” Elias points out, but doesn’t hesitate to follow Nik up to the counter anyway.“How can you resist the smell of fresh baking?” The whole bakery smells like apple pie and cinnamon. Nik leans over the display of cakes and pies, assessing his options. “What can I get for you?” the cashier asks. Bella, her nametag reads. She’s a petite, perky blonde, and Nik does not appreciate the appraising look she’s giving Elias.“A slice of chocolate cake, please,” Elias responds, seemingly unaware of Bella’s not-so-subtle attempts to catch a glimpse of his wrist.“Make that two,” Nik adds, pulling out his wallet.“For here or to go?” she asks Elias. It’s like Nik isn’t even there.“For here. Could we get a candle? It’s his birthday,” He puts an arm around Elias and glares at Bella.“Of course!” she squeaks, apparently unfazed by Nik’s reaction. She disappears into the back for a moment. Nik removes his arm and fiddles with his credit card, watching Elias out of the corner of his eye. “Bella thinks you’re cute,” he says in what he hopes is a neutral tone. Elias raises an eyebrow, but she’s back with a box of candles and a lighter before Elias has a chance to respond. Nik taps his card and watches while Bella serves the cake onto white plates with rosebuds around the edges.“Happy birthday!” she sing-songs, passing Elias his cake with the candle already lit. “I’d sing, but I don’t know your name.” Much to Nik’s delight, Elias looks thoroughly unimpressed and doesn’t offer his name. “Don’t worry about it. Thanks for the candle,” Elias says politely, clearly uncomfortable with the attention. They take their cake to sit by the window on the opposite side of the shop, as far from Bella as they can get.“Hurry up and make a wish!” Nik orders impatiently. “I want to eat my cake.”“Should I wish for something totally unrealistic or something that might actually come true?” “No point wishing for something impossible,” Nik shrugs. Not that it’s ever stopped him. Elias continues to stare at the candle thoughtfully for a moment before blowing it out.The cake is perfect – moist and rich but not too sweet, with just the right amount of chocolate frosting. Nik eats his too fast, meaning he has to watch while Elias savours the second half of his piece.“You ate that awfully fast,” Elias smirks, well aware of how Nik is eyeing his cake.“I can’t even remember the last time I had cake.”“Your birthday?” Elias suggests, taking another tiny bite of cake.“Do you even know when that was?” Nik teases, although he already knows the answer.“I do now, and it’s not my fault that you didn’t tell me.” They’d spent most of October 7th travelling from Calgary to Raleigh, and Elias hadn’t realized it was Nik’s birthday until their teammates started singing after dinner. It had been obvious that he felt terrible about it, so Nik made sure to give him a hard time about it on the way back to the hotel.
“Do you know my birthday?” Elias had tried to argue.
“November 12th,” he’d answered promptly, much to Elias’ surprise. “But I might forget, since apparently birthdays aren’t all that important to you,” he’d threatened. As if he would ever even consider it.
“My baking skills are non-existent,” Nik points out. “And who would have thought to get me cake?” Elias might’ve, if he’d known. Elias makes a show of eating his last bite of cake and licking the icing off his fork, leaving a smear of icing by his mouth. Nik imagines reaching across the table to wipe it away with his thumb, or better yet leaning over to press his lips – “What are you thinking about? You’re looking at me funny.” Elias looks at him quizzically, yanking him back to reality.Kissing you, Nik thinks. “You have icing on your face,” he says instead. “Oh.” Elias grabs a napkin and wipes the icing away. He almost looks disappointed by Nik’s answer, which makes no sense. “Thank you for bringing me here.” Nik shrugs. “It gave me an excuse to eat cake.” They take their plates up to the counter and hand them to another employee. Bella, fortunately, is busy with another customer. She still waves at them and wishes Elias happy birthday again as they leave, undeterred by his indifference.“The guys probably think you’ve been kidnapped,” Nik jokes on the way back to the hotel. Elias rarely lets anything interfere with his pregame schedule. “Just wait till they hear you were eating cake!”“You’re a bad influence.” Elias is probably right, and Nik doesn’t care at all. Someone has to remind Elias to have fun. ***The game is, overall, not a success. They lose 2-1, so close and yet so far. Nik takes a hooking penalty early in the second period and spends two minutes kicking himself for it in the penalty box. Then he steps onto the ice and scores to make it 1-0. “Happy birthday,” he tells Elias as he skates past the bench. I scored it for you, he almost says. “Don’t take any more penalties,” Elias chides, eyes twinkling.It’s all downhill from there. Nik hits the post (again!) and sets Elias up for a great chance, but they just can’t break through. And then Nik ruins what would have otherwise been a great game for him personally by taking another penalty late in the third. It was a questionable call - he hardly hooked the guy - but they all count the same. It eats up time they could have used to tie the game. Needless to say, Green is… not pleased. The penalty seems to erase any goodwill Nik had managed to build through the rest of the game. Worst of all, they lost on Elias’ birthday. Surprisingly, Elias didn’t seem as upset as Nik had expected. Of the two of them, Nik might be the one most bothered by the loss, for once. “I got my birthday wish,” Elias says when Nik comments on his relatively good mood. “You scored,” he elaborates in response to Nik’s confused look. “We can win tomorrow.”Nik turns away to hide his grin. Elias could’ve wished for anything – a win, making the playoffs, the Calder, but he wished for Nik to break out of his scoring slump. Contrary to Elias’ prediction, they don’t win the next game. Or the one after. New York, it would turn out, is only game two of an eight game losing streak and a downward spiral out of the playoff race.
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Elias hates losing. They all do, but Elias takes it the hardest. The first few times, he’s like Bo, morose and disappointed after the game. By their fourth straight loss, Elias is grumpy and glowering at anyone who dares to talk to him. Attempting to cheer him up when he’s in this state is a risky undertaking – Elias can be vicious when he wants to be left alone Nik will often try to give him space after a tough loss, but when the losing streak reaches five in a close home game against Montreal, he can’t let Elias sulk any longer. MDZ apologizes to the team for the late penalty that essentially cost them the game, but Elias won’t even look at him. He’s quiet, methodically taking off his gear without interacting with any of his teammates. Nik has no idea what to say to make Elias feel better, but he’s determined to come up with something. He lets Elias sulk in the car, resolving to wait until they’re home. Elias instantly disappears into his room without a word. Nik gives him a few minutes and changes out of his suit before knocking on Elias’ door. There’s no response, so he eases the door open tentatively after a moment.“Elias?” The room is dim, with only a lamp on. Elias is sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. He’s changed into pyjamas with little Swedish flags on them, which is adorable but so not the point right now. Nik sits down beside him, probably closer than he should. But he can’t bear to see Elias so upset.“We should have won tonight,” Elias chokes out after a pause. “Why can’t we win?”“Yeah.” He doesn’t have an answer to the question they’ve all been wondering. It seems like there’s a new problem every night, like they’re patching up a sinking boat that keeps springing new leaks.“Even with their goal on the powerplay, we should have found a way. I should have found a way.” Elias still hasn’t moved or looked up, and it breaks Nik’s heart to see him like this. “You did everything you could. You scored, you battled to the end.” It’s what Nik tells himself when they lose. As long as he feels like he played well, the losing doesn’t bother him the way it does some of his teammates. He bounces back fast.“I should have done more.” Nik resists the urge to roll his eyes. The pressure Elias puts on himself is ridiculous. No one can be expected to score every time the team needs a goal or to execute every defensive play perfectly. Yet that’s what Elias asks of himself.Nik decides to call him on it. “You can’t do everything every night. No one can.”“One of their goals was my fault.” It’s a ludicrous claim, he had nothing to do with it (if anything, it was more Nik’s fault, but that’s neither here nor there).“I was on for both,” Nik shrugs. Trying to convince Elias something wasn’t his fault would be a waste of breath. “I could have been better. We can always be better. Sometimes you have to let hockey be fun.”Elias straightens up to give him an incredulous look. “How was that fun?” he asks venomously.“Getting that wicked one-timer past Carey Price, one of the best goalies in the league, wasn’t fun?”Elias slumps backwards onto the bed. “Well, maybe a little.” There’s a hint of a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. Fleetingly, Nik imagines kissing him until he smiles for real. “We should make a list of the best goalies,” he says instead. “See how many you can score on by the end of the season.”Elias lights up at that idea. He loves a challenge. “We’re counting yours too, because you scored on Lundqvist.” Nik doubts he’ll be contributing half as many goals as Elias, but it’s nice to be included regardless. “Where’s your laptop?” Unlike Nik’s, Elias’ room is perfectly organized, with everything always tucked away in drawers or the closet.“We’re doing this now?” Elias questions, but he’s already pulling his laptop out of the bedside table. He opens up a new document and adds Price and Lundqvist at the top. They start with recent Vezina trophy winners Rinne, Bobrovsky, and Holtby. Then there are a few more no-brainers before the project devolves into a debate about the importance of current performance vs. past achievement. They sit on Elias’ bed researching and arguing until the game is long forgotten. Then they switch to looking up their teammates’ statistics against various goalies, until all of a sudden it’s 1am and they can hardly keep their eyes open.“We have practice tomorrow,” Elias yawns. At some point he got under the covers and is lying down with the laptop on his stomach. Nik’s propped himself up with both the pillows, the second of which he obtained after a brief tug-of-war that nearly sent the laptop crashing onto the floor. He’s in danger of falling asleep if he closes his eyes for more than a couple seconds.“Is that your nice way of kicking me out?” Nik teases, slowly sitting up.“No, you can stay,” Elias says. His back is to Nik as he puts the laptop away and Nik is too tired to be able to tell if he’s serious. Nik stays where he is, unsure what to do. “Get in or get out,” Elias says impatiently. “I want to sleep.”Nik keeps telling himself he’ll try to get over his feelings for Elias, but then something like this happens and he just… can’t. Sleeping in Elias’ bed is a terrible idea and Nik knows it, but he gives Elias one of the pillows and slides under the covers anyway. He’s careful to stick to his side, but Elias has no such concerns. He’s sprawled almost in the middle of the bed.“Move over and turn off the light,” Nik tells him, as if he isn’t longing to pull him closer. Elias obliges, and rolls onto his side, facing away from Nik. It’s surprisingly easy to fall asleep beside Elias. It helps that Nik’s too tired to deal with the fact that Elias invited him to sleep in his bed. He’ll have plenty of time to obsess over it tomorrow.In the morning, Nik wakes up on his back with Elias using his chest as a pillow. Elias is still sound asleep, so Nik takes a few minutes to enjoy the feeling of Elias pressed against him. It reminds him of Victoria, when he idiotically told Elias he was cuddly. He gently brushes a strand of hair off of Elias’ face. The alarm on Elias’ phone blares, disrupting the peace. Elias rolls off of him to shut it off, then immediately gets out of the bed.“C’mon, we have practice,” he says, rapidly disappearing into the hallway before Nik’s sleepy brain has had a chance to register much of anything.They have a quick breakfast and head to practice without talking about it, and Nik mostly convinces himself he’s making a big deal out of nothing. Elias just thought Nik would appreciate not having to get up and drag himself down the hall to his own room. Two nights later, they lose to Winnipeg. The final score is ugly – 6-3, which is a terrible way to end their brief 2 game homestand. Despite the outcome, it’s an exciting, roller coaster of a game, especially for Nik, who manages to bring them within a goal late in the second. He gets an assist too, on Elias’ powerplay goal. Roussel gets in a fight with Tanev’s brother which is… awkward. Elias takes a slashing penalty in the third when they’re desperately trying to make a comeback, despite being horrendously outshot and out-chanced. Winnipeg doesn’t score on the powerplay, but they make it 5-3 not long after and seal it with an empty-netter. It's their sixth straight loss, and the atmosphere in the locker room post-game is grim.“Too bad Hellebuyck wasn’t on our list, we’re overachieving,” Nik says, attempting to lighten the mood. “What’s this about a list?” Jake butts in without his usual enthusiasm. “Elias and I made a list of the best goalies, to see how many we can score on this season,” Nik explained. Jake is silent for a moment, which usually meant that he was scheming.“I bet Petey and Goldy score on more of that list than you have in your career,” Ben laughs. “How many goals did you score last season? None? Really? What on earth were you doing?” Jake is never going to let Ben’s disastrous zero goal season be forgotten. “And you think Elias is the mean one,” Bo comments. “I’m getting Brock in on this!” Jake shouts. “We’re competing with Petey and Goldy for most goals scored against their bucket list goalies,” he explains to the rest of the room, which had fallen silent in order to listen in. Then he turns back to Nik and Elias. “Send us that list, pronto.” The competition seems to cheer everyone up a bit, even Elias. Instead of re-hashing the loss, the guys are placing bets on who will win. Unsurprisingly, very few people want to bet against Elias.The fun can’t cancel out the disappointment of their losing streak for long, and by the time they get to the car Elias has reverted to stewing in silence. “There’s no point torturing yourself about it now. You hardly ever take penalties,” Nik says. “How can you be so ok with losing?” Elias asks resentfully. “I’m not. But I’m not going to let it ruin my night all the time, not when hockey is pretty much all I’ve got.” Elias’ frown deepens and it has nothing to do with hockey. He’s thinking of Nik’s parents and lost soulmate. Nik immediately regrets bringing it up. “Besides, you’re upset enough for the both of us,” he adds.Elias resists the rest of Nik’s attempts at conversation and goes straight to his room when they get home. Nik messes around on his phone a while to distract himself, then remembers he hasn’t packed for their California road trip yet. By the time he finishes that, it’s nearly 1am. Nik has only just turned off the light and collapsed into bed when Elias knocks on his door. “C’mon in,” he says without moving. The door opens and Nik can just make out Elias’ silhouette against the dim light from the hallway. He hovers awkwardly in the doorway for a minute. “CanIsleepinhere?” he mumbles, so fast it’s all one word. Nik is surprised, to say the least, but he manages to recover from his shock enough to tell Elias that yes, of course he can. Elias shuts the door and slides into the bed beside Nik, who is waiting for an explanation that never comes. All he gets is a whispered thank you and goosebumps from the brush of Elias’ hand against his shoulder. Like the first two times they shared a bed, Nik wakes up with Elias draped across him.“Hey,” Nik whispers, trailing a hand across Elias’ back. Elias quivers at his touch but doesn’t pull away. “I couldn’t sleep,” Elias says by way of explanation. “I’m sorry if I bothered you.”“I don’t mind.” Stay with me every night. “I guess you were right in Victoria, I am very cuddly.” Elias smirks. Nik just holds him tighter in response. For the first time, he has a shred of hope that maybe he isn’t the only one feeling something he shouldn’t. He doesn’t know how to ask, or how it could possibly work if he’s right. Even without the insurmountable obstacle of their mismatched soulmarks, dating a teammate would be tricky. So Nik says nothing and lets himself enjoy the moment. ***The losing streak continues into the road trip. Anaheim is yet another game where they fall behind, start a comeback, and come up short. In an unusual turn of events, it’s Nik who has 2 points while Elias was held off the scoresheet and takes another penalty. It’s a strange feeling, being the one who scored, and he’d almost (but not quite) rather it was Elias. Seeing Elias upset and angry with himself is torture.They’re on the road, but Boeser is still hurt so Nik and Elias are roommates. This time, Elias doesn’t ask before he gets in bed with Nik. “You were great tonight,” he whispers. Nik smiles. It always leaves him with a warm, happy feeling when Elias compliments his game. It means so much more than the begrudging praise he occasionally gets from Green. More and more, it feels like Green wants him to fail – he doesn’t react to Nik’s success the way he does to other guys’. So long as he’s playing, and playing with Elias, Nik refuses to let it bother him. “I’ve still taken more penalties than you,” Nik points out, knowing that Elias is still thinking about his penalty that wasted precious time they could’ve used to score another goal. Elias grimaces. “I know better. It was a silly mistake I shouldn’t have made.” Sometimes it’s impossible to reason with Elias, Nik reflects. “We’ll win next game. Nilsson should be back, maybe he’ll kick things off with a shutout.” ***Their game against San Jose is a shutout, but not for Nilsson. Their disastrous 4-0 loss brings the losing streak to a horrifying 8. Bo sounds like a broken record talking to the media, saying over and over that they’re so close, they need to play a full 60 minutes, etc. They share a bed again, and this time Nik doesn’t have the energy to cheer Elias up. There’s no joking about scoring on goalies or re-living the highlights of the game, because there weren’t any. It feels like a lifetime ago that they scored 8 goals to crush Boston. Nik wonders what will happen when they win (they have to at some point, even if it doesn’t feel it now). Will Elias go back to sleeping in his own bed? As much as Nik would love to, they can’t keep doing this forever, especially once Brock is back and they aren’t roommates on the road anymore. That thought makes Nik feel even worse than the loss did. Although it doesn’t mean what he wants it to, falling asleep beside Elias is comforting. Effortless. And in the morning there are a few seconds before he’s fully awake where he can pretend that he’s waking up with Elias because they’re soulmates.“I miss Sweden, “Elias says suddenly. There’s a tremor in his voice that tugs at Nik’s heart. “I miss my family, and my friends, and winning.”Nik is no stranger to homesickness. The first few months after he left Russia, he seriously considered packing up and leaving at least once a week. It lessened as he got used to moving between temporary apartments and speaking English all the time. These days, Moscow isn’t home anymore. There’s nothing he can say that will help but he inches closer to Elias and wraps his arms around him, ignoring the voice in his head warning him that it’ll only make it hurt more when this ends. Because it has to end eventually. “Tell me about Sundsvall,” he says gently. After a moment of thought, Elias does. He talks about the rink where he learned to skate, going to school, and his favourite spots. “Maybe… maybe in the summer you could show me?” Nik asks. It’s not like he can go visit his parents, and Eva doesn’t have anywhere for him to stay. If he went to Moscow he’d have to stay at a hotel or with friends. He’d rather stay in Vancouver, even without Elias. “I’d love to. We can train together.” Elias yawns and is quiet for a while. After a few minutes Nik realizes that he’s asleep. ***“Last night was unacceptable. We know how to win, and we’ve got to get back to that. Tonight is going to be different. We are going to go out there and show them what kind of team we are – we’re a team that goes out every night and plays for each other. And then we’re going to walk out of here with 2 points.” There’s a steely determination in Bo’s stance and voice that has the whole team agreeing. San Jose was rock bottom, they won’t fall any farther. It’s all up from here.Whether it’s because they played a great game, had some luck for a change, or simply that the Kings are awful this year, the Canucks finally win a game and have something to celebrate. Gaudette gets his first NHL goal on a beautiful setup from Jake, Elias scores, and they stop the losing streak at 8. The atmosphere on the bus back to the hotel is lighter than it’s been in a long time. They’re spending the night in LA and flying home in the morning, where they’ll play the Kings again in a couple of days. Nik and Elias sit together on the bus, and for once Elias can discuss the game with a smile. He completely bypasses pointing out the plays they could’ve executed better and focuses on the good parts, which is very unlike him. Tonight is for revelling in the win - they’ll see the mistakes next time they do video. Nik’s face hurts from smiling by the time they arrive at the hotel. There’s a moment of hesitation when it comes time to go to bed. Now that they’ve won, they don’t have the flimsy excuse of wanting company after a tough loss. Nik gets into the bed by the window on what he has started to think of as his side. He keeps his eyes fixed on Elias but doesn’t extend an invitation. Nik hardly breathes, waiting. Now if Elias still wants to share a bed, it would mean something. Rationally, he knew what would happen, yet somehow it still comes as a shock when Elias goes to the other bed instead slipping in beside him. You brought this on yourself, you knew what would happen, Nik reminds himself. You fucking knew, and you let him break your heart anyway. A couple of tears escape and roll down his cheeks. Yet if he could go back to the first night, he would still stay when Elias offered. He’d choose the heartbreak all over again to comfort Elias and spend a couple of nights in his arms.The bed feels cold and empty without Elias, and it takes Nik a long time to fall asleep. Across the room, Elias stares blankly at the ceiling, wide awake and hating soulmarks.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Elias and Brock spend a lot of time together once the team is finally home in Vancouver, which is no surprise to Nik. He’s gotten used to seeing Brock more, and even if he’d rather go for dinner with just Elias, Brock has become his friend too. Elias, Nik quickly learns, wants all his friends to be friends with each other. Which is how Nik ended up going for brunch with Elias, Brock, and Millie, Elias’ mystery online friend. The one who might or might not be his soulmate.Nik was not enthusiastic about meeting Millie, despite Elias’ insistence that he would love her. While they were on the road, it had been easy to ignore the possibility that she was Elias’ soulmate. He knew that Elias had kept in touch with her, but it was easy to dismiss when he was taking Elias out for birthday cake or waking up to Elias wrapped around him like an octopus. If Millie was Elias’ soulmate, Nik would have to get used to seeing her. He would have to like her, and be friends with her, because Elias would love her, and it wasn’t her fault that Nik was jealous. It would be unreasonable to resent her for having what Nik wanted more than anything, but Nik wasn’t sure he could stop himself.Millie met them at a quaint breakfast café not far from UBC, where they would be practicing later. Elias spotted her through the window as they approached the café and waved. Millie looked up and Nik was immediately struck by how gorgeous she was. Waves of red hair framed her pale, freckled face. Her luminous green eyes seemed to light up as they approached the table. “Millie, this is Nik. Nik, Millie,” Elias introduced them. He sat beside her, which left Nik to take the seat opposite her. “I’m so glad Elias finally agreed to introduce us. He never shuts up about you.” Millie grinned, revealing dimples. She seemed genuinely excited about meeting Elias’ friends, which Nik had to admire a little. Good, he told himself. There’s no reason not to like her. She’s not taking Elias from you. “Has he told you much about me?” she asked.“You’re a student at UBC right?” Elias hadn’t exactly been forthcoming with details about Millie. In fact, they had hardly talked about her since the Victoria trip, until Elias arranged this brunch. “Yep! I moved here from Montreal to study creative writing and get away from the snow. I’m going to be an author.” She yanked her water glass away from Elias, who was trying to deposit his unwanted ice cubes into it. Water sloshed across the table. “Jeez, what’s wrong with ice? Do you like anything?” Millie rolled her eyes, reaching for napkins to sop up the mess. Nik pushed his water towards Elias before helping her. Guiltily, Elias transferred the rest of the offending ice cubes to Nik’s glass. “How do you put up with this fusspot fulltime?” she asked Nik with a smile. “I let him starve if he’s too picky,” Nik smirked, earning a Look from Elias. “I swear my vegan sister isn’t as picky as he is.” Millie was actually… kind of fun, as much as Nik hated to admit it. Elias kicked her, brushing Nik’s ankle in the process. Millie elbowed him. “You have a sister?” Nik asked, stirring his water (now mostly ice) with his straw. It was hard to watch Millie and Elias teasing each other. Elias was so relaxed around her, the way he usually only was around Brock and Nik. “Two, actually. An older stepsister who’s kind of a crazy vegan hippie, and a younger sister who’s both my favourite and least favourite person, depending on the moment. My mom is flying out with her for Christmas. What about you?” Millie’s Christmas plans were a painful reminder of Nik’s parents, who still hadn’t reached out to him and likely never would. He’d told Eva not to come for Christmas if it would be a problem with their parents, who she still lived with. “I have a younger sister, Eva. We’ve stayed pretty close, although I don’t see her much because she’s still back ho – … in Moscow.” Not home, he reminded himself. Vancouver was home. “Hey guys, sorry I’m late.” Brock finally arrived and took the seat by Nik. “You must be Millie.” Millie looked slightly stunned and didn’t say anything at first. “I’ll buy you a watch for Christmas,” Elias threatened.“Oooh, I like the sound of that. Fancy.”“From the dollar store.” Brock didn’t have a comeback for that, so their attention returned to Millie.“Sorry, just having a bit of a fangirl moment here. You were my favourite player last year,” she explained awkwardly. It was an abrupt change from how confident she’d been a few minutes ago.“Last year?! What about this year?” Brock pretended to be offended.Millie relaxed a little. “It took a while, but Elias won me over,” she said with a sideways glance at Elias. That sounded very much like Millie and Elias were more than friends. Nik fought to ignore the queasy feeling the thought gave him.“Now that we’re all here, can we finally order? I’ve been smelling bacon since we got here,” Nik said to change the subject. They read through their menus for a minute and caught the waitress’ attention to place their orders. She definitely recognized them, and blushed scarlet when Elias thanked her. “You actually threw me a puck during warmup last season,” Millie said to Brock. “My dad and I flew out here during semester break so I could check out UBC and he surprised me with a jersey and tickets to a game.” “And yet I’m not even your favourite player.” Brock shook his head sadly. “I’ve been replaced by Petey. No one cares about The Flow anymore.” “Why are you even a Canucks fan if you’re from Montreal?” Nik asked. It took dedication to support the Canucks when they missed the playoffs three years in a row and you didn’t even live in Vancouver. “My dad grew up here. It’s practically a crime to cheer for the Habs or the Leafs in our house. Ottawa and Pittsburgh were the only other acceptable choices.” By the time their food came, Millie had moved on to telling them about UBC and the first time she met Elias. “We’d been texting for a while, and one day I saw that you guys were practicing at UBC. So I just showed up and introduced myself. You should’ve seen his face; he was totally freaked out because there were a zillion other fans around.” “You could’ve warned me and I would’ve met up with you after,” Elias grumbled, clearly not for the first time. “Yeah right. You were too chicken to meet me,” Millie scoffed. She was probably right. She seemed to know Elias pretty well. They’d been talking for a couple months and must’ve met up more than Nik originally thought. The nights Nik had gone for dinner with Adam and Jake and Ben… Elias could’ve been with Millie. It wasn’t a pleasant thought. As the meal went on, watching Millie interact with Elias got more and more irritating. She wasn’t really doing anything, there was no overt flirting, but Nik couldn’t help reading into every comment, every nudge, every smile. He was grateful for the break when Millie left to go to the washroom. “So? Do you like her?” Elias asked anxiously. The question was addressed to Brock as well, but Elias was only looking at Nik. “She’s great,” Nik said, forcing himself to smile. He half-expected Elias to tell them she was his soulmate, but he didn’t. Maybe Nik was overreacting. “She and Jake would get along,” Brock observed.“If Jake could get a word in edgewise,” Elias pointed out. That would be a change of pace – no one could out-talk Jake, except occasionally Hutty. And even then, it was only because he was louder.“Jake is kind of a lot,” Nik said, grateful for the subject change. Surely if Millie was his soulmate, Elias would’ve said so by now. “So is Millie,” Elias said absently. What did that mean?Then Millie was back, all swishing red curls and dimples. She dove right back into her analysis of the Canucks’ season so far. She wasn’t afraid to be critical of them or their teammates, which was both refreshing and slightly offensive at times. “I swear to god, if you hit one more post,” she teased Nik. “I am going to fucking lose it.” “How do you think I feel?” It sounded more defensive than he meant it to. It was getting harder and harder to watch Millie leaning against Elias and putting her hand on his arm and basically doing everything Nik wants to but doesn’t dare. Elias doesn’t seem to notice Nik’s shorter and shorter replies. He’s probably too distracted by Millie, Nik thinks bitterly. He sort of fades out of the conversation after that, only responding when absolutely necessary. He just wants the brunch to end.Lucky for Nik, he wasn’t the only one wondering about Elias and Millie’s relationship. “So, is she your soulmate?” Brock asks once Millie leaves for her Biology 101 class. Elias looks genuinely caught off-guard by the question.“Why would you think that?” The obvious annoyance in his voice makes Nik glad it was Brock who asked and not him. Brock looks uncomfortable. “Well, you guys seem really close… I was just wondering.” He shrugs.“She isn’t my soulmate.” The harsh way he says it makes Nik wonder if maybe Elias wishes she was. He sounds sort of… wistful, maybe? Or else Nik is paranoid. Either way, it’s a relief to know that she isn’t Elias’ soulmate. ***If Nik thought half-asleep Elias was the cutest, well that was before he saw Elias with the Eriksson kids at the Super Skills event. Every year the team held skills competitions as a charity event geared towards kids. The players with families would bring their kids, who got to hang out on the bench with the players. The four Eriksson kids in particular knew Elias well and spent most of the event glued to his side. Except, of course, for when he blew everyone away with a 99.4mph shot to win the hardest shot competition. And then proceeded to be disappointed, because it wasn’t over 100. “Do I actually have to do it, or can we just announce I’m the winner to save time?” That was Jake, the reigning fastest skater champion. Nik came in second by a fair margin last year and was under no illusion that he’d be able to best Jake this time around. Not that he was about to admit that.“You’re lucky Petey isn’t competing,” Bo warned. “Apparently he’s good at everything.” His reaction to the hardest shot competition was going to make for an amusing micc’d up video“You’re just figuring that out?” Nik laughed. “You’d be in real trouble if he was doing accuracy.” “Hey, I crushed Mr. All-Star MVP over here,” Bo gave Brock a gloating look. Brock had won the accuracy competition and MVP at the All-Star game the previous year, so Bo took extra pleasure in defeating him today. The downside of the Super Skills event turns out to be all the time spent idly standing around and talking. Normally that wouldn’t be a bad thing, but today it isn’t only Jake and Ben who don’t know how to mind their own business. And of course Brock picks the topic Nik most wanted to avoid.“So I was thinking,” he starts.“The apocalypse has begun,” Jake chirps in the loudest whisper Nik has ever heard. Brock glares at him and continues.“We should all work together to find our soulmates. Like, instead of just looking for our own soulmates’ initials, we can watch for each other’s too.” Nik was filled with dread, knowing what was coming next. He really, really didn’t want to show them his blank wrist and deal with the pitying looks. It varied around the world, but North Americans were generally the most comfortable showing their soulmarks. In other words, Nik needed to escape this conversation as fast as possible, before wristbands started coming off.“Wow, Brock actually has a decent idea for once!” Ben was already undoing his wristband. They all had to wear them at public events to avoid the media circus of people claiming to be players’ soulmates. The rest of the time it was a personal choice and most of the team went without.“Are you sure about this? I’m glad I met Holly on my own,” Bo cautioned.“Yeah, cuz you were lucky. The sooner I meet my soulmate, the better,” Adam argued. Bo shook his head. He was definitely Nik’s favourite teammate not named Elias at the moment.“Troy, you’re up next,” one of the staff people said.“Show us your moves!” someone called. Troy, lucky as ever, used a lacrosse stick and managed to score on a shot that bounced off the glass and the goalie’s back. He was definitely going to win the fan-voting contest.Unfortunately, the conversation still didn’t move on from Brock’s soulmate finding plan. “Who’s in?” Brock asked. Nik tried to edge farther away from the group, but Brock was looking right at him. He should’ve stuck with Elias and the Eriksson kids.Adam, Ben, Jake, and Tyler all agreed to the plan. Ben had his wristband undone and was about to show everyone his soulmark when Bo clapped a hand over his wrist.“You can’t do this here,” he warned. “Morons.”“Alright, we’ll reconvene after the event,” Brock instructed. “Try to recruit Elias,” he told Nik. Nik agreed, although he would do no such thing. Getting to see Elias’ soulmark wasn’t worth the increased odds of Elias finding his soulmate. Nik wanted to keep himself and Elias as far away from Brock’s plan as possible.He needn’t have worried though, because when Brock asked in the locker room later Elias flat out refused.“Stop being so nosy,” he said sharply. “I’ve told you before, I’m not going to show you.” It sounded like Brock had asked to see Elias’ soulmark, which was… interesting. Why would he care?“Nik? You in?” Jake asked.“No thanks.” Nik didn’t look at Brock. He was not going to be convinced, no matter how much Brock pushed.“Lame,” Jake scoffed. “You can at least look for ours though. We’re making a shared note to keep track.” “What’s the prize for finding someone’s soulmate?” Ben asked.“Why does there have to be a prize? Isn’t this supposed to be mutually beneficial or whatever?” Bo pointed out.“This is why he doesn’t get a say.” Brock rolled his eyes.“How about they owe you a favour, within reason?” Troy suggested. Suddenly Nik was glad no one would be finding his soulmate for him.“Define ‘within reason’…” Ben looked way, way too excited. Even Jake had the sense to look alarmed.“Bo can judge what’s reasonable,” Troy decided.“I can’t believe I’m involved in this,” Bo complained fondly. He was always getting “dragged” into their antics, supposedly against his will. “Alright, so mine is MJ,” Jake said, typing it into his phone. Nik paid attention as his teammates told Jake their soulmates’ initials. He didn’t want to participate, but he was happy to help them find their soulmates. He agreed that the sooner you found your soulmate, the better. Otherwise what was there to stop you from falling in love with someone else?Elias had disappeared early in the conversation, sensibly concerned that Brock would continue trying to get him to take his wristband off. Nik wasted 10 minutes wandering around the arena looking for him before finding him tucked away by a rarely used equipment room. Along the way, he overheard Brock and Jake talking on their way out of the building.“What do you think?” Brock asked.“It’s definitely suspicious,” Jake agreed. “But don’t you think we’d be able to tell?”“Maybe they don’t know.” “No way. You don’t just not tell someone you have their initials on your wrist.”“I guess… but it’s not really something you’d want to be wrong about, right? Especially in this case.” “True…” Brock said slowly. “I don’t know, I still think I’m right.”“For once I hope you are.” They got too far away for Nik to hear, and he still had no idea what, or rather who, they were talking about. The incident was soon forgotten once he located Elias and they escaped their prying teammates.“The kids sure loved you,” Nik commented. He hoped someone had taken pictures.“They’re fun. And it’s nice to speak Swedish.” “Ugh, all these Swedes. Can we trade one for a Russian?” Nik teased.It was light and easy talking to Elias, but it bothered Nik that they were acting as if they hadn’t spent the better part of a week sharing a bed ‘because of a losing streak’. Even so, December 2nd was a good day, a day Nik would hold onto when things started to come crashing down around him.Surprisingly, it was hockey that fell apart first, not things with Elias. It started the next morning with a headline:
Maple Leafs Trade Josh Leivo to Canucks for AHLer
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It’s always exciting to get a new teammate, especially when no one is traded or injured. It’s the ideal situation, to trade someone from the AHL team for a new NHL player. And at first, Nik is as excited to meet Josh Leivo as the rest of the team is. They learn that Leivo has been with the Maple Leafs for the past several years, mostly in the press box or on the fourth line. He’s someone management is apparently very excited to get, and they plan to try him in the top six. Josh Leivo plays left wing, it turns out. At first that doesn’t mean much to Nik. Foolishly, he believed his spot with Elias and Brock was secure. It had only been a couple of games since he had a point, nothing compared to his goalless skid earlier in the season. The lines were never set in stone, but he assumed Leivo would play with Bo, who was constantly changing wingers. It made it all the more shocking and hurtful when Green pulled Nik aside to inform him that he would be a healthy scratch for the game against Minnesota. Since they drove to practice together, Elias had to wait for Nik to finish his meeting with Green. Green goes over what Nik needs to work on (it’s a long list), which is mostly the defensive side of things. It’s not about the points - he needs to be a 200ft player who can play up and down the lineup. Nik likes to think he’s more of an “offensive top six guy” than a defensively responsible “anywhere in the lineup guy”, but apparently that’s not an option. “About time. What was that about?” Elias asks when Nik finally meets him in the lobby. Nik hesitates. He knows that things haven’t always come easily for Elias and that he’s had his share of struggles to get to this level. Everyone has. But at the same time, Elias is never going to be a healthy scratch. No matter how badly he messes up, he’ll be in the lineup because he’s Elias Pettersson and their coach believes in him. The fans would go ballistic if he was scratched. Nik doesn’t want to hear that he just needs to work hard, focus on the defensive side of his game, prove he belongs in the lineup. He’ll get enough of that from the rest of the team. He can’t handle hearing it from Elias. “The usual. Defense,” he mutters glumly. It’s the truth, minus a key detail. “You’ve gotten better, you know,” Elias says reassuringly. Well, for once Elias is wrong.“No, I haven’t.” He keeps his eyes cast downwards as they walk out towards his car. “Nik.” Elias stops in the middle of the parking lot and spins Nik around so they’re facing each other. “What’s going on?” Well, Elias will know soon enough anyway. “I’m sitting next game.” He doesn’t meet Elias’ eyes.“What?! Why?” Elias exclaims, as if the idea is simply incomprehensible to him. “Green wants to try Leivo on your line, and apparently I’m no good anywhere else so…” “That’s bullshit. What has he done to earn that spot?” The venom in Elias’ voice throws Nik off. This is the complete opposite of the reaction he was expecting. “You shouldn’t have to sit in the press box for some new guy. With or without me, you’re good enough to be in the line-up every night.” Nik can’t believe what he’s hearing. Elias actually thinks their coach is wrong, and not just about a play. He wouldn’t say it if he didn’t mean it. He actually thinks Nik should be playing. It restores some of the confidence Nik lost hearing his coach call him a defensive liability. “Well, too bad you’re not the coach,” Nik tries to joke, but it falls flat. “It’s not Leivo’s fault that he’s here to replace me.”“He’s not replacing you. It’s one game. You’ll be back in the lineup.” Elias sounds sure, but he wasn’t there for the meeting with Green. He didn’t hear every one of Nik’s weaknesses listed off as reasons he isn’t good enough to play. “You don’t know that. Maybe he’ll work better with you and Brock.” Nik shrugs, trying to pretend he wouldn’t be heartbroken if he got taken off Elias’ line permanently. “Nik. Don’t start doubting yourself. I don’t care what Green says, we play well together.” Nik doesn’t know how to respond to that. He appreciates Elias’ faith in him, but at the end of the day it’s only their coach’s opinion that matters. “I know I make mistakes, but I thought overall… I thought I was playing well, you know?” he says sadly.“You were.” Elias steps closer and wraps his arms around Nik. For a delirious second Nik thinks Elias is going to kiss him, but then Elias’ chin is resting on his shoulder and of course it’s just a hug. Elias is still mumbling something about hockey, but Nik is too busy internally berating himself to listen. Elias wasn’t going to kiss him, what on earth made him think that? Now he’s losing his mind in addition to his spot in the line-up. After a long moment, Elias lets go and takes a step back. “Now stop moping and get in the car. We have a cake to make.” Nik must have misheard that. “A cake?” he asks incredulously as he gets in the car. “It’s Millie’s birthday tomorrow. Her little sister always makes her chocolate cake for her birthday, but obviously she can’t this year so we’re going to do it instead. I even got the recipe from her sister.” Elias is clearly very proud of this idea, but he obviously hasn’t thought it through properly. “We are not qualified to bake a cake.” They both know it’s a valid point – neither of them has ever baked anything, and a cake doesn’t seem like the easiest place to start. They argue about it the whole way back to their apartment, where Elias shows Nik the recipe he printed out. It does not look easy. “We don’t have any of this stuff,” Nik points out. “Like, we don’t even have measuring cups. Or cake pans. Or – ““I know.” Elias rolls his eyes. “We’re going to go shopping first.” “You’re going to buy all this stuff we’re never going to use again just to make one cake?” Elias gives him a Look. Right. It’s easy to forget that they can buy whatever they want thanks to their NHL paycheques. Hey, maybe Elias will make him a cake for his birthday next year. Assuming Nik is still a Canuck. It turns out grocery stores actually sell measuring cups and cake pans and other baking stuff Nik hopes he never has to use again. They have to buy pretty much everything on the list because at no other time have they needed flour, baking soda, or… baking chocolate?“How is baking chocolate different from normal chocolate?” Elias wonders aloud. “And why is it measured in ‘ounces’?” “I hope you’re not expecting me to know the answers to those questions.” Nik tosses a box of the baking chocolate into Elias’ basket, and after a moment of thought, adds a second one. “This is definitely going to take more than one try.”“That’s why we’re doing it today and not tomorrow. All I got Millie for her birthday is hockey tickets, which I’m sure she’s already guessed. So this needs to be good.” Elias really is the best friend ever. “Wow, you put a lot of effort into birthdays. I missed out.” “You got the baking soda?” Elias checks. Nik had abandoned that mission in favour of the chocolate debate, so he has to backtrack to find the baking soda. “Your birthday would have been epic,” Elias calls after him. “Epic? You sound like Ben.” At least baking soda is easy – there’s only one option. Nik almost tries to throw it into the basket from a few feet away but thinks better of it just in time. “Take that back! I do not sound like Ben!” “Mmm-hmm. Do we have everything?” They do have everything on Elias’ list, which does not necessarily mean they have everything but it’s good enough for now. Figuring out what to buy for the cake was tricky, but actually making it is worse than trying to play defense without a stick. And, true to that hockey analogy, Elias is better at it. He at least has some idea of what they should be doing and his cooking skills, while limited, are far superior to Nik’s. “I’ll measure the flour and stuff, you can melt the chocolate,” Elias instructs. He has everything neatly laid out on the counter and has probably put some thought into what Nik should be trusted to do. (The correct answer is absolutely nothing, doesn’t Elias remember what happens when he tries to cook?)“You just don’t know what ounces are,” Nik accuses. “No, I don’t trust you to measure things properly. The amount of chocolate is more flexible.” Elias fills a measuring cup with flour and carefully levels it off. He has a point – Nik would’ve dumped some flour in the cup and called it close enough. As it turns out, measuring the chocolate is not the issue. The box says how many squares make up an ounce, so it’s pretty easy from there. Or so he thought. “What are you doing to the chocolate?” Elias peers over his shoulder at the smouldering mess of burned chocolate that came out of the microwave. “How did that even happen?” Nik raises his hands in mock surrender. “I don’t know, I just put it in the microwave. What else was I supposed to do?” For once, Elias doesn’t know either. “Good thing we bought extra.” Nik Googles how to melt chocolate, which makes him feel like a total moron, but whatever. It turns out you’re supposed to either take it out and stir it ever 30 seconds or melt it with the butter. The second attempt at melting the chocolate goes much better. By the time Nik has that sorted out, Elias is several steps ahead. “What now?” Nik asks, holding out the melted chocolate and butter for inspection. “Grease and flour the cake pans,” Elias instructs with a smirk. He knows Nik has no idea how to do that but lets him flounder for a moment before explaining. “Rub a thin layer of butter all over the inside, then put some flour in and shake it around.” Dubiously, Nik takes the pans from Elias and follows his directions. “Do you have a secret passion for baking?”“I did research,” Elias shrugs and goes back to mixing. Nik tosses some flour into the first pan. “Too much,” Elias critiques, watching out of the corner of his eye. Nik scoops up some of the excess flour and throws it at Elias. “Hey!” Elias spins around, spoon in hand, and sends batter splattering around the kitchen. Some of it hits Nik in the face, which he totally deserves, but it is soooo on now. Based on the look on his face, Elias knows what Nik is about to do, but still doesn’t manage to dodge the handful of flour in time. Elias retaliates, and their baking quickly devolves into a flour fight. The ridiculous baking endeavour turns out to be exactly the distraction Nik needed. Millie Facetimes right after they’ve finally put what will hopefully be a decent cake into the oven. The kitchen looks like it was hit by a flour hurricane, and every surface is covered in spilled ingredients and dirty dishes. The cleanup is not going to be fun. Elias frantically brushes flour off his clothes before taking the phone into the living room so Millie can’t see the state of the kitchen. Nik tries to get the batter off his face before joining Elias on the couch. “Finally!” If Millie notices the flour still lingering on their clothes or the faint smear of chocolate on Nik’s face, she doesn’t comment. “What are you guys doing tomorrow? It’s my birthday and I don’t have any plans yet.” “Don’t make any plans for the evening,” Elias instructs her. Millie feigns surprise. “What, is someone planning to give me tickets to a hockey game?” She’s right, and clearly knows it. “Good thing I conveniently kept my schedule clear.”“We might drop by in the afternoon to torture you with our singing,” Nik warns. “I guarantee you’re better than my grandparents,” Millie laughs before launching into a story about a past birthday and her family’s antics. She’s one of those people who waves her hands a lot as she talks, and Nik notices that she isn’t wearing a wristband. His eyes catch on her soulmark when she finally pauses for a moment to let Elias talk. Her soulmark is JV, which stands out to Nik because, of course, he knows a JV – Jake Virtanen. It would be pretty funny if, after all Nik’s worrying about her being Elias’ soulmate, she was actually Jake’s. The only thing he isn’t sure about is Millie’s last name, but that can easily be checked. He grabs his phone off the coffee table and opens Instagram. He pulls up Millie’s account, and there it is: Millie Jennings. Nik smiles, pleased with himself. They have the best birthday present ever for Millie, and Jake is going to owe him a favour. “What are you grinning about?” Millie asks suspiciously. Nik hastily puts his phone away. “Just had a brilliant idea,” he says ambiguously. “You’ll see tomorrow.” “Unless the curiosity kills her,” Elias adds, catching on to what Nik is doing. “You guys are evil,” Millie glowers. “You won’t be saying that tomorrow,” Nik assures her. Elias wraps up the call quickly, obviously impatient to hear Nik’s brilliant idea. “Remember how Brock said she and Jake would get along? Well, he was actually right for once.” Elias gives Nik a blank look, and Nik remembers that he wasn’t around when everyone was showing their soulmarks after the Super Skills event. “They’re soulmates.” “How do you know?” “I just saw Millie’s soulmark, and I knew Jake’s from that dumb scheme of Brock’s. Speaking of which, Jake is going to owe me a favour for this.” “A favour?” Elias raises an eyebrow. “What kind of favour?”“Anything Bo considers ‘within reason’. But I’m going to lord it over him for a while first. We should call and tell him.”“Or…” Elias smirks devilishly. “We could bring him with us tomorrow and tell them at the same time.” “That’s even better,” Nik agrees. “We should stick a bow on Jake, since he’s her ‘gift’.”***They do, in fact, buy a giant red bow. Getting Jake to come to UBC with them is the tricky part. After morning skate, Nik suggests they go for lunch, but he already has plans with Ben. There’s a limited window of time before they’ll have to be back at the rink getting ready for the game, so the only course of action is to talk to Ben. “You need to cancel lunch with Jake,” Elias informs him. Ben looks very confused.“What?” “I need him for something.” This is Ben they’re dealing with, so the chances of the issue being dropped without further questioning are slim to none. “For what?” Unfortunately, once Ben senses that there’s a story to be had, he’s relentless. “None of your business.” “Then I guess I still have lunch plans.” Elias glances at Nik for help. “It’s a prank,” Nik jumps in, suddenly inspired. “You’ll hear about it tonight.” Ben’s expression switches from one of suspicion to one of awe. “He’s all yours,” Ben concedes with a slightly maniacal chuckle. “Take videos.” The next challenge is transportation. They can’t drive Jake, because if they leave him with Millie he’ll have no way to get back to Rogers Arena. “Where do you want to go?” Jake asks when they reach the parking lot. “We have to drop something off with a friend on the way, so just follow us,” Elias says smoothly. Jake appears to accept this, so Nik and Elias get in their car before he has a chance to ask any more questions. Nik carefully rests the cake on his lap so the icing doesn’t get damaged. They’re not going to win any awards for cake decorating, but the icing tastes good and that’s what really counts. Elias even thought to buy candles and – “We forgot a lighter!” Nik exclaims. They’re halfway to UBC, way too late to go back. And they can’t make a stop because of Jake. “That was your job,” Elias accuses. “It was not. I’m in charge of the cake.” “Which includes bringing a lighter, to light the candles, which are on the cake.” Elias has a point, but Nik is absolutely not going to admit this is his fault. He’s saved when his phone buzzes with a text from Jake. “Uh oh. Jake just texted.” Nik reads the message to Elias: “Where the duck are you taking me?”“At least we know he’s using Siri to text.” Nik doesn’t respond, and Jake continues to dictate increasingly irritated and autocorrect mangled texts via Siri. When they finally get to UBC, Nik braces himself for an onslaught of questions.“What the hell are we doing at UBC? I thought we were getting lunch,” Jake complains. “Is that a cake?” he peers into the container Nik is holding. “Yes, it’s a cake. We’re dropping it off for our friend’s birthday,” Elias explains. He has the card in his hand and the bow in his pocket. They’ll have to time it just right, so Jake can’t rip it off before Millie sees. She’ll love it.“This is the last time I let you drag me to an unknown destination,” Jake huffs. “I didn’t know you had a friend at UBC.” He follows them to Millie’s dorm, mumbling grumpily under his breath. Nik glances at Elias to make sure he’s ready before knocking. Elias nods and pulls the bow out of his pocket, carefully keeping it out of Jake’s sight. Jake is still too busy whining at them to hurry up to notice. As soon as the door starts to open, Elias slaps the bow onto Jake’s forehead. He yelps in surprise and immediately goes to pull it off. “Um. Hi?” Millie gawks at them from the doorway. “Nice bow.” Elias deftly dodges Jake’s attempt to stick the bow on him. Jake kicks him childishly instead.“We brought you a cake and a Jake,” Nik hands over the container. “You guys are hilarious,” Jake snarks. “Am I your favourite player or something?” he asks Millie, who is staring at the obviously homemade cake in disbelief and probably alarm. “No, you’re her soulmate,” Elias explains. “Happy birthday Millie. You might want to find some lunch for this grump.” For once Jake and Millie are both speechless. “Seeya at the game tonight.” Elias sets the card on top of the cake container, picks the bow up off the floor and waves goodbye. Nik hadn’t really thought about what they were going to do once they told Millie and Jake, but leaving definitely seems like the best option. They can hear Millie introducing herself and inviting Jake in as they head down the hall. “I think that went well,” Nik says. “The bow was genius. Great ice-breaker. But seriously, can we get lunch now?” Elias laughs. “Jake might starve to death, but we won’t.” “And we didn’t even have to sing or light the candles.” ***After such a fun afternoon with Elias, thinking about hockey again is like having a bucket of ice water dumped on Nik’s head. Elias makes it so easy, dangerously easy, to forget that he isn’t playing. Having to leave his teammates and sit in the pressbox – it hurts. It’s not Elias-isn’t-his-soulmate level painful, but it’s the next worst thing. I’d rather be injured, Nik thinks bitterly. At least then it wouldn’t be my fault. The Canucks lose. It’s disappointing, but at the same time, Nik is relieved. If they won it would reinforce what his coach said - that they’re better without him. Hopefully after a loss, there will be changes to the lineup. Hopefully he’ll get another chance. Elias sets Josh Leivo up for his first goal as a Canuck only 7 minutes into the game, and Nik feels sick. That’s all it took – less than half a period – for him to be replaced. The chemistry he and Elias had won’t matter when compared with the indisputable results. Leivo scored. Nik gets a beautiful pass from Elias and misses the net, or hits the post, or can’t get a good enough shot off to beat the goalie. Elias doesn’t need him. Nik is uncharacteristically quiet when he goes down to the locker room after the game. He stands with the other scratches and injured players to support his teammates, but does so silently and unenthusiastically. “Next game,” Elias says with a look of steely determination. Nik isn’t entirely sure what he means. Next game they’ll win? Next game Nik will play? Preferably both, but he’d settle for the latter. As long as the loss isn’t his fault.Nik stands off to the side, as far from everyone as he can get without looking like he’s hiding. He zones out, running through everything he was told to work on. It startles him when Leivo appears beside him and rests a hand on his shoulder. “Hey.” Nik turns, suppressing a sigh. Leivo is the last person he wants to talk to right now. He’s not sure he can find it in himself to be friendly tonight. “I know it’s tough sitting out,” Leivo says. He seems sincere, like he’s sorry for being Nik’s replacement. It isn’t even his fault. He deserves an opportunity, and Nik has no one but himself to blame for his poor performance. “Looks like the Leafs should’ve given you a chance.” Nik remembers reading about Leivo’s time in Toronto and feels guilty for moping about missing one game. Leivo sat in the press box for the majority of the last couple years. “We’ll see,” Leivo shrugs. “I just wanted to say, people here believe in you. I don’t know if you looked online, but you were the main talking point today. Loads of fans were mad, they want you to play. And trust me, it’s so much worse when no one cares. In Toronto, I whether I played or not was barely worth mentioning. Most of my teammates didn’t care who was in and who was out. I’ve only been here a day, but I can tell you guys aren’t like that. Petey spent half the game telling me what play you would’ve made. He’d trade me for you in a heartbeat.” “He’ll get over it once he gets used to playing with you.” Nik tries to swallow the lump in his throat. “Nice shot, by the way.” Leivo looks like he has more to say, but all he does is thank Nik and head back to his stall. ***Nik does get back in the lineup (although not on Elias’ line) for the next game. They play Nashville at home before leaving on a 3 game road trip that will also end in Nashville. Nik gets an assist on the powerplay in the first period and has never felt so relieved to get a point. So long as he doesn’t mess anything up, it should mean he plays in St. Louis on the weekend. They stun all their critics by beating Nashville, a team widely regarded as a contender, after losing so-called “winnable” games for most of the month. And there’s Elias’ penalty shot, which leaves Nik stunned. He isn’t the only one, based on his teammates’ reactions. He is the only one who wants to make the crowd disappear so he can kiss Elias until he smiles and admits that yeah, that goal was fucking awesome. Elias hardly smiles when he scores, unless it’s particularly significant to the outcome of the game. The penalty shot is just one more nail in Nashville’s coffin, since they’re already up 3-1.Then they crush St. Louis, 6-1, and it feels like maybe beating Nashville was a turning point and they’re finally getting their season back on track. Elias somehow manages to top his penalty shot goal by having a five point night, Boeser gets a hat trick, and even Nik scores. Elias must’ve sold his soul to the hockey gods. He cornered Nik before the game. “You’re going to score tonight.” Nik had laughed at him, but Elias was right. When Green gave them a shift together, he set Nik up for an easy tap in. They won the next game too, defeating Columbus and their stupid cannon. Elias and Leivo each had a goal and an assist playing together, and Nik played mostly on the third line. They don’t manage to beat Nashville a second time, but win the next couple games at home, and Green keeps Leivo with Elias and Brock. Nik plays with different linemates every game and sees his ice time trend steadily downwards despite picking up a few assists. Playing with different people all the time is hard (just ask Bo), but he wouldn’t have thought he was playing poorly if he hadn’t been receiving nothing but criticism from Green. The points aren’t enough, or they don’t matter. Nik can feel the spot he worked so hard to earn out of training camp slipping away, and he doesn’t know how to stop it. At least Elias still believes in him, even if Nik no longer believes in himself.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Nik’s family doesn’t come to Vancouver for Christmas. Eva apologized profusely, but Nik agrees with her decision. He doesn’t want their parents to disown her too. He considers himself lucky to still have his sister at all, even if she can’t visit right now. One day, when she’s more independent of their parents, she’ll come visit him. Elias’ family won’t be in Vancouver for Christmas either, but they’re coming for a couple weeks in January. Nik is secretly relieved that he gets Elias to himself for Christmas. The morning of their last game before the break, Elias informs him that he has “super fun plans” for them. Elias is obviously excited about whatever he has planned. It sounds a lot like when Elias decided they were going to Victoria for a weekend, so Nik is completely onboard. He trusts Elias. Nik is slightly less enthusiastic when Elias wakes him up at 8:30 on their first day off. “We’re going snowshoeing,” Elias announces. “What?” Nik asks groggily. “What time is it?” He catches a glimpse of his lockscreen before Elias pulls the phone out of his reach. It’s way too early to be awake on a day off, after a game the previous night. “It doesn’t matter what time it is. Get up.” Elias prods his shoulder forcefully. “Move.” “It’s not even nine. We can go snowshoeing later.” Nik buries his face in his pillow as Elias opens the blinds and sunlight streams in.“If we go later it will be too busy.” Unfortunately, Elias is probably right about that. It is a Sunday after all, and a beautiful sunny one. “We can go tomorrow,” Nik argues, knowing he’s just stalling now. “Fine. I’ll go by myself,” Elias says sulkily, and leaves Nik in peace. Nik glares at the closed door for a moment before rolling reluctantly out of bed. It’s an empty threat – Nik knows Elias doesn’t want to go by himself, and Elias knows Nik doesn’t want to be left behind. Elias already has a mug of coffee waiting for Nik when he shuffles into the kitchen. “Changed your mind?” Elias smiles, and it’s his real smile, not the one he gives the media and occasionally their more annoying teammates. “I have to make sure you don’t break an ankle and freeze to death in a snowbank.” Nik accepts the coffee gratefully and makes himself a bowl of cereal. “No one’s freezing to death in a snowbank. It’s going to be cold though, so bring gloves.”“Did you forget that I’m Russian? You don’t have to tell me that!” Nik objects.“Yesterday you told me gloves look stupid and you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing them.” Elias closes the cupboard Nik left ajar with a pointed look at Nik, who’s scarfing down his cereal before it has a chance to get soggy. “Yesterday we were walking around downtown. The rules are different when you’re dragging me up a mountain to get lost in the woods.” “We’re not going to get lost.” Elias rolls his eyes, but the lack of confidence in his voice is hardly reassuring. ***They don’t get lost, mostly because it turns out there are people other than Elias who don’t mind getting up early to snowshoe on a day off. They pass quite a few people on the trails, enough that they don’t get lost, but not so many that it feels busy. “Did you bring snacks?” Nik asks when they stop for a moment at the base of an old fir tree. The branches of the bushes around them are covered with fresh snow. There are no other snowshoers in sight. It’s like being lost in a fairytale forest, only they aren’t lost. Hopefully. “Did you?” Elias retorts. He knocks one of the branches above Nik’s head playfully, dusting him with snow. “Brat. I know you have snacks.” Nik whacks a branch by Elias, sending an avalanche of snow onto him. It was a lot more snow than he intended, and Elias looks like he walked through a blizzard. “No snacks for you.” Elias is trying to suppress a smile, and not entirely succeeding. There’s a sudden cracking noise off to their left, and Nik turns in time to see a branch fall off a nearby tree. A snowball smacks the side of his face, and he spins around to see Elias snickering into his glove. Their snowball fight is limited by the trees around them and the difficulties of walking off the trail in snowshoes, but it’s still pretty spectacular. They hurl snow at each other until they’re both breathless and covered in snow from head to toe. Nik pauses for a moment instead of making another snowball, and Elias walks over. They’re a ways away from the trail now, but it’s still faintly visible. “Giving up?” Elias teases. Nik dumps another branch-load of snow on him, doubling over in laughter at the look on his friend’s face. Next thing he knows, he’s on his back in a snowbank with Elias pinning his arms above his head. “I win,” Elias says. Nik can’t speak, too distracted by Elias’ rosy cheeks and sparkling blue eyes, their lips only inches apart. He can feel the adrenaline zinging through his veins as Elias leans closer. Elias is going to kiss him. He’s actually going to – “Excuse me! You’re supposed to stay on the trail!” an angry voice yells from the trail. Elias rolls off of him and staggers to his feet, brushing off clumps of snow. “Sorry!” Elias yells in the direction of the trail. Nik is tempted to throw a snowball at the snowshoers, but it’s not their fault they appeared at the worst possible moment. This time, Nik is certain Elias would’ve kissed him if they hadn’t been interrupted. He doesn’t want to let this chance slip away. “Hey,” he grabs Elias’ wrist to stop him on the edge of the trail. Elias wrenches his wrist away, and Nik realizes belatedly that it was the one with his soulmark. With the reminder of why they can’t be together hanging heavy between them, the magic of the moment in the snow is lost. Elias doesn’t meet his eyes. “Still want a snack?” Elias offers him a granola bar. Nik takes it with a sigh, wishing he knew what Elias is thinking. Elias is a master at pretending everything is normal. He could pull it off waking up cuddled against Nik every morning for a week, so why not now? ***The Erikssons invited Elias to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them, and Elias insists that Nik come too. The Erikssons are happy to have them, especially the kids, at least one of whom always seems to be glued to Elias’ side. It’s fun, and Elias and Nik are rarely alone together, allowing the snowshoeing incident to fade into the background of their friendship. Nik tells himself that it’s for the best.There’s only one awkward moment, when they accidentally meet under the mistletoe. Nik notices first and points it out to Elias. Elias laughs and walks away, crushing Nik’s hopes once against. Their first game after Christmas is a success – 4-2 over Edmonton, and Nik has two assists. There’s an undercurrent of worry though, because Green still doesn’t seem to trust him. Green acts like he’s just waiting for Nik to mess up. And with that looming over him, he does. The next two games are bad, minus 2 both nights, and they get shut out on New Year’s Eve. “It’s a new year. Forget about the last couple games,” Elias tells him when he catches Nik moping away from the celebrations on New Year’s. It’s a strange reversal from earlier in the season when Nik was the one cheering Elias up.Nik goes to their next practice having taken Elias’ advice to heart. He’s ready to win his spot on Elias’ line back, if only he had the chance. Instead, he’s relegated to the press box for the first game of 2019 with criticisms of his defensive game ringing in his ears. He’s on his feet, cheering louder than anyone when Elias nets his third goal of the night to defeat Ottawa in overtime, but the jealousy threatens to strangle him when he sees his teammates after the game. Elias is trapped by the media long after everyone else has been set free, stuck answering stupid questions until the high of the win has worn off. When Nik gets on the bus, Brock has already claimed the seat beside Elias. Nik’s place. He goes to sit beside Adam without a word. At the hotel, he waits outside Elias’ room instead of going to his own. Elias and Brock finally appear, laughing about something on Brock’s phone. Elias spots Nik leaning against the wall. “I’ll be in in a minute,” he tells Brock. Brock disappears into the hotel room, leaving Nik and Elias in the hallway. “Some pretty nice goals tonight,” Nik says with a smile that feels and probably looks forced. Elias notices, as he always does. When everything else is hard and awful, he can always count on Elias.“I wish you had been there with me,” Elias says softly, brushing a hand against Nik’s arm. He meets Nik’s eyes, and… And it’s too much. The months of flirting, the almosts that leave Nik wondering. He can’t do it anymore. He never thought there would be a breaking point, or that it would come after a win like this, but he can’t handle the wondering and the interrupted moments when it seems like Elias feels something too. So Nik kisses Elias. And for a few perfect seconds, Elias kisses him back. Then, just as he spent months warning himself it would, kissing Elias becomes the biggest mistake of his life. Elias pushes him away and stumbles a few steps backwards. He seems stunned, and upset, and... Nik doesn’t know what else. “We can’t -“ He runs a hand through his hair and shifts uncomfortably from side to side. “I don’t want -“ It’s like a slap in the face. ‘I don’t want you’, Elias is trying to say. Because unlike Nik, Elias isn’t messed up enough to fall for someone who isn’t his soulmate. And maybe, if Elias hadn’t spent months leading him on and keeping a tiny flicker of hope alive, maybe if Elias hadn’t kissed him back, Nik could accept that. He could cope with his feelings for Elias in order to stay his friend. But there’s no going back from this. “Then why did you let me think otherwise? I thought you were my friend. How could you do that to me? You acted like I meant something to you. Fuck, you slept in my bed.” “I am your friend.” Elias doesn’t deny anything, and his words make Nik angry because they doesn’t feel true anymore. “Not anymore. I never thought you could be so cruel. I don’t even want to look at you.” Nik runs, desperate to get away before Elias can see him cry. It doesn’t matter where, or who sees, but he can’t even look at Elias right now. He always knew Elias would break his heart, but he never thought Elias would be so cruel. When he gives in and glances back from the corner, Elias is gone.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When he was a kid, Elias’ mom told him stories about soulmates. He loved the happy endings, the perfect love stories where everything worked out. One day, she told him a different story with a lesson he would never forget. “Wait for your soulmate. Do not ever get involved with someone else, because it will bring you nothing but pain.”At the time, it was an easy promise to make. Of course he would wait for his soulmate. How could he fall in love with someone else? When he met Nik, the question became: how could he not? Before training camp, Elias researched all of his potential teammates. The one who stood out most was not Horvat, the supposed future captain, or Brock, the rookie who had blown everyone away last year. The player whose profile he bookmarked was Nikolay Goldobin, because he could be his soulmate. Elias left his wristband in his hotel room when he met the team for the first time. Otherwise, there would be no way to find out. He didn’t dare ask, because to ask would be to admit that his soulmate could be a guy. And that wasn’t something he wanted to share with his new teammates. Nikolay, or as he soon learned to call him, Nik, didn’t comment on the soul mark. But he was friendly, and Elias wasn’t sure he’d actually seen his wrist. Disappointingly, Nik wore a wristband. After a few days, Elias was more confident than ever that Nik was his soulmate. They’d hit it off right away, but Nik still hadn’t said anything about his initials on Elias’ wrist. “Not everyone believes in soulmates,” his mother explained when he told her. “Some cultures ignore them. Russian parents used to have them removed from their children’s wrists.” Elias could live with that. Because the magic of soulmates was that they would love each other no matter what. Nik didn’t need to believe Elias was his soulmate to fall in love with him. He started wearing his wristband again. When he saw Nik’s blank wrist, Elias doubted the soulmarks for the first time. It was cruel and unfair that his soulmate shared Nik’s initials, while Nik’s soulmate would have a blank wrist. As a kid, the rule had seemed easy. Don’t fall in love. Wait for your soulmate. But by the time he realized Nik wasn’t his soulmate, it was too late. For months he denied it, all while spending every spare second with Nik and whisking him off to Victoria and going to him for comfort when the Canucks couldn’t seem to buy a win. There were too many times when he barely stopped himself from saying something, or worse, kissing Nik. In some ways, it was a nightmare, and in others, it was wonderful. Because he could tell that Nik felt it too, and if he could just let go of the soulmarks... But he couldn’t do that to Nik, who might never find his real soulmate. One day Elias would meet his, and it would break Nik’s heart. He couldn’t do that to him. He couldn’t choose to be with him, knowing that they had an expiry date. Knowing that one day, loving him wouldn’t be enough. So when things finally reached a breaking point, Elias let them break. Pushing Nik away was the hardest thing he’d ever done. He didn’t know how to explain, because he knew Nik would argue. He’d say the soulmarks didn’t matter, the future didn’t matter, and Elias wasn’t sure he was strong enough to stand his ground. “I don’t -“ want to break your heart. Nik was devastated, and furious. Elias couldn’t blame him. He’d been a terrible friend to Nik by letting him think they could be more. It had been selfish and stupid and not worth it in the end. Because now they weren’t even friends. Nik didn’t talk to him. He didn’t look at Elias. When they got back to Vancouver, Elias packed a suitcase and showed up at Brock’s apartment, grateful Troy had moved out to be with his soulmate. Brock asked questions, and Elias didn’t answer them. He missed five games, and Nik spent almost as many in the press box. With every practice and afternoon spent dissecting video, Nik looked more and more broken. Elias wanted to be there for him, to cheer him up and convince him that he was good enough as he had in December, but now he couldn’t. After the last game before the All-Star break, Elias cornered Nik in the hallway. He ached with loneliness and longing. After months of being inseparable, losing his best friend was akin to losing a limb. “I’m sorry and I miss you. Can’t we go back to being friends?”“You broke my heart. There’s no going back from that.” Nik walks away, again, and Elias understands just how badly he screwed up. He couldn’t be with Nik, because someday he would break Nik’s heart. But pushing him away in Ottawa wasn’t enough, because the damage was already done. How was this any better?***Nik told himself he wouldn’t watch the All-Star games, but it was a lie. He watched every second of Elias’ interviews on media day, and even read the stupid journal the Canucks PR people made him write. He watched the skills competitions and found himself reaching for his phone to tease Elias about the puck control event before he remembered why he couldn’t. He does a double take, noticing a text at the top of his lock screen from someone else he no longer spoke to. His mom. Her message is short and undoes none of the damage from the months of silence. It doesn’t bridge the chasm that has opened between him and his parents. But it does wreck his life in new, unforeseen ways. Your soul mark was EP. He’ll find out later that it was his sister who convinced her to tell him, that his mom always asks Eva how he is. But right now, all he can see is two letters, burned into his brain and etched in the scars on his heart. Somehow, Elias is his soulmate. Nik thought when his soulmark was erased, his soulmate’s would’ve been too. But what are the odds that he fell in love with someone with the same initials as his soulmate? It’s not impossible, but it would be an incredibly cruel trick of the universe. And when he looks at his wrist, picturing the initials that would’ve been there, he knows with absolute certainty that Elias is his soulmate. And whatever the reason, his soulmate didn’t want him. ***The rest of the All-Star break passes in a blur for Nik. He goes to the beach, works out, and gets a tattoo. He debates for a couple of days but ends up flying back to Vancouver with EP on his wrist instead of a wristband. It looks exactly like the real soulmark would have. He doesn’t plan to talk to Elias - because what is there to say? Elias must’ve known all along, but chose not to say. All those times it felt like they were almost dating, it was because Elias was trying to fall in love with his soulmate. Only for whatever reason, he didn’t. Nik gets home at 1:00am to a dark apartment, but when he wakes up the next morning Elias is in the kitchen cooking breakfast. It’s jarring to see him there after a month apart. Nik accepts the plate of pancakes and bacon without a word. It’s clear they’re a peace offering, and he’s missed Elias enough that he’s willing to consider it. Elias doesn’t say anything until he finishes cooking the last batch of pancakes.“I was wrong,” Elias starts. Nik has no idea what he means. “About what?”“I thought it wasn’t worth it. I thought it would hurt you less if I pushed you away. I thought I could wait for my soulmate and ignore that I’m in love with you. I was wrong. I love you.” Either Nik misheard him, or Elias is a fucking idiot. “Show me your wrist,” Nik demands. “What? It’s not about the initials, your soulmate wouldn’t have a mark...”“But you have my initials.” Elias’ eyes widen in shock and he nods slowly. “Why the hell didn’t you say something?! How many times have we heard people say that it’s impossible to fall in love with anyone but your soulmate?” Nik lays his arm flat on the counter so Elias can see the tattoo on his wrist. Elias gasps. “Why did you...” “Eva made my mom tell me. It’s you. Of course it’s you. I’ve been in love with you since October.” Elias traces the initials on Nik’s wrist. “I am so sorry. All this time...” “Stop crying on the apology pancakes.” He grabs Elias’ hand. “This means we get to be happy.” “I should have kissed you, when we were snowshoeing, and under the mistletoe, and all the other times I almost did.” “You can kiss me now,” Nik says with a hint of impatience. They’ve been dancing around each other all season, and he doesn’t want to wait a moment longer. Elias finally kisses him, and it’s every bit as wonderful as Nik imagined.