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His father didn't necessarily pay too much attention to him. Him or his older brother. But that was fine. His mother was an angel. When Yoongi was five years old, their family moved from Daegu to Gwangju because his father got a better job offer. It was fine. He was always ready to adapt. There was a girl he was often hanging out with in Daegu and it takes more for him to call someone a real friend. What he didn't want to leave was the ten minutes drive to his grandparents. He knew he'll miss them. And they won't be able to visit often. Especially when he gets carsick. But they would still be left at their grandparent's place for the holidays.What was true shock to him and considerably traumatic was when his childhood hero died. He grew up watching Steve Irwin and after he had passed away Yoongi stopped watching his show even though it was his main source of happiness. He didn't notice how joy wasn't as pleasant for him anymore when it wasn't accompanied with Irwin's enthusiasm. But he still seemed like a regular kid.When he was still in first grade his parents got a divorce. His father moved to Seoul. He didn't think too much of it. He believed he had dealt with it perfectly. Rationalised that it was better for all. His parents shouldn't sacrifice their happiness.Yet he began being angry and acting out. Coming home later or not at all. He would hang out with a boy from his class. His mother didn't like this boy. Yoongi would pick up bad habits from him. Yoongi would even occasionally steal a bit of money from his mother's wallet. In fourth grade he was finally sent to a psychologist because his mother has had enough.It helped. He wasn't acting out as much anymore. But still wasn't a perfect child. The smarter, more artistic, more helpful, overall better child was his brother. Whatever, he would think to himself.For the next year his mother dated a true scumbag. But he didn't realise that at first. It's the day that dipshit left that he realised how much his mother sacrificed for her children. That day the man physically attacked his mother. He will never forget seeing him chocking his mother. There was a huge fight. His brother was at school so Yoongi had taken an already broken broom to threaten the guy. While the older was collecting his things, Yoongi ended up hiding in his wardrobe and texting his brother to come home just a bit later with no explanation. Later his mom told him he can come out.Later his mom began dating a man that Yoongi liked. In fact, he desperately clung onto the father figure idea. Yet he also began learning that the previous man had been controlling and psychologically abusive during the relationship. He absolutely despised him.He also learnt more about his father. To his disgust his father would have conversions with women on the Internet all the time. He didn't know to which level truly the father was unfaithful, but even knowing that much was enough for the respect to start decreasing. He had also groped plenty of his mother's friends and even his brother's godmother. During the older boy's baptism! And the girl was only seventeen at the time. He also had the nerve to ask if she's a virgin as the creep that he was. He couldn't believe his mom stayed with him until Yoongi was seven just so that he and his brother would have a father growing up. Even though that poor excuse of a human would visit them up to three times a year at first, but quickly started to do so less. Yoongi didn't mind. Those few hours with him were too awkward. He finally understood why his grandmother hated his father.A few weird incidents happened once he started hitting puberty. His mother's boyfriend had made comments about the boy's body, how attractive he's becoming and would sometimes slide his hands across the boy's chest, waist, would ask him to lift up his shirt. One time he was sitting on the man's lap and the older stated that he's attracted to the minor as he's beginning to look like a man. Yoongi felt uncomfortable, but didn't think much of it. He would be silent or giggle it off. He didn't know how else to react and didn't want to be rude by telling the man to stop.A few days before his thirteenth birthday his mother was crying in the kitchen telling the boys to not be frightened when they see their grandmother. Yoongi knew his grandmother took medicine, some of them had apparently made her loose her hair and his mother would drive to Daegu to help their grandfather to take care of her. She would occasionally stay in the hospital. But he didn't understand why would he be frightened. She seemed to be okay enough. Yet he understood when he saw his grandmother in her bed, pale, underweight, bald, tired, even though still with a smile on her face. She couldn't sit up without help. He couldn't understand. What happened to his grandmother? His strong and wonderful friend. He would often talk to her on the phone. He loved spending time with her. The more the better. Where did her strength suddenly left? He felt so empty and unresponsive to the world. Walked around like a ghost for awhile. Then he return to Gwangju with his brother and his mom's husband, who she married a few month prior. But five days after his birthday, a morning before leaving for school, his stepfather told the bad news that his grandmother was gone. He felt nothing again. He couldn't comprehend how the strongst and best person just disappeared from life so suddenly. He was a shadow in school. The wakes were unrealistic. Her body was unrealistic. He had learned that day that she had small intestine cancer. The bladness suddenly made sense. Why wouldn't she tell him? What really pissed him off (even though he still felt nothing) was that it was the doctor's fault. They didn't notice the disease soon enough. They killed her at sixty seven years old after two years of treatment. How could she be gone like this? The second day of the wakes he shed a tear while sitting by the casket with his family. He did spent most of the time during the two days at the little break room with food for the family. He couldn't be near the body. He couldn't see his mother's tears. He couldn't see his grandfather sad for the first time. It was time to take the coffin to the cemetery. Music began playing and before people closed it his grandfather kissed his grandmother on the forehead one last time while trying his best to not break apart. That stole another tear from Yoongi. He felt like he was choking. It was like a foggy nightmare that he will eventually have to accept as reality. The third time he lost a tear was when the coffin was being lowered into the grave. He understood. She's gone. She's never coming back. Another hero is dead. He felt completely empty again. He stayed away from his family, but listen to them share stories of her from another room while he was sitting on the armchair she would sit in. The TV was on, but he didn't see or hear a thing from it. She would have hated the waste of electricity.His mother would spend a lot of time with his grandfather afterwards because he didn't want to live alone. So after Yoongi finished seventh grade they moved back to Daegu. Yet they still kept the apartment in Gwangju. His stepfather would often stay there, especially on workdays, even though he didn't have to be in that city for work. He would sometimes drive around the country or work from home. On one holiday Yoongi decide to spend a few days in Gwangju. His mother told him to just stay with his stepfather. So he did. He wanted to meet up with the teachers he liked, one of which was his piano teacher. He didn't have the true close friends, but people he was friendly with. He decided to meet them as well. But he didn't get along with most of his classmates in his previous school. He wasn't bullied (much). Everyone gets at least a few bad words told to them. He didn't care too much about it.One evening his stepfather wanted to give him a massage as the two of them were away in Daegu. He tried saying that he doesn't feel comfortable. His stepfather's was also naked. He didn't find a problem with being confident in their own skin, but the scenario felt very inappropriate. He was wearing just his boxers. He felt hands on his body again. He was told then to wait. His stepfather took some oil and told him to lay down. Yoongi didn't like it at all. He didn't like where the man's hands were trying to reach. How close they would always be to where he didn't want anyone to feel. He tried to pretend like it tickled and he wanted to stop. The man didn't want to. He kept kneading his body. So slowly and sensually. Yoongi felt nothing. Especially when his stepfather bestrode his thighs. He could feel the mans ball sack on his bare skin. He didn't enjoy it. He did then went to the shower to clean off the oil so he could go to sleep. There were no towels. He had to go to his stepfather's room to take one. As he left the bathroom his stepfather asked if there's something he needed. He explained he needed a towel. The man brought it himself. He didn't even understand how it escalated to the man's hand being on the boy's waist, the boy was pulled to the man's side as the older began jerking off while breathing right into the boy's ear telling him how beautiful he is. How he looks so much like a man already. Yoongi was just standing with his arms crossed. Staring at the sink. Waiting for it to stop. It did. A drop of semen landed on his thigh. The man (sensually) wiped it off. Then cleaned the bath with running water. Once the man was out of the room he locked the door. He quickly thought if it's an upsetting situation. Yes, it was. He tried to see if he wanted to cry. No, he couldn't, he still felt nothing. Plus, he has been trying his whole life to not cry. Can't break a rule so important. So he showered in the bath where the man came while holding him. Eventually he left and laid down on the sofa he was going to sleep in (and where he received the unwanted massage) to read a book. The man returned and laid down next to him. He began saying that he found the boy beautiful as his hand was rubbing his skin. Yoongi just reminded himself to keep his legs shut as he wanted to focus on the book. He had bent his leg so that if he tried to reach his crotch from the other side, then Yoongi lowered his legs. He raised them a bit when his stepfather's hand went up. He asked if the boy has ever had an orgasm. Yoongi slammed his book on his stomach and reminded the man that he's fifteen. He just calmly said that it wasn't what he had asked. Yoongi didn't say anything and the man began palming him through his underwear while kissing his side, where his hand was in the bathroom. He kept asking to let him show the boy how good oral sex feels. The boy just continued reading the book even though he was just looking at the letters. He couldn't possibly read. The man finally stood up saying it's late and that he wanted the boy to feel good. He also said that it stays between them. The boy just hummed as he left. Soon enough he put his book away and went to sleep. Feeling numb. Later he wanted to go to Gwangju again. His mom told him to stay with his stepfather again. Once he told the man he wanted to go again, the man asked if he remembers that evening. Yoongi joked about carrying a knife next to him. They haven't spoken of it ever again. But after that, in future years the man has asked the boy to show his body again and asked about if the boy would pleasure himself. Yoongi was too shy to ask him to stop. He would chuckle and writhe when he would feel hands. He didn't speak of it or think of it, but his clothes became baggier. He felt uncomfortable in tighter clothes or being to (physically) close to another person.After eighth grade his grandfather got sick. He was sick for two year. He laid in bed until he died. The last month was just sad. His grandfather didn't move at all. He didn't cry during the funeral. He was glad his grandfather wasn't in constant pain. Around that time he started arguing with his mother more. He always felt so angry and didn't understand why.Half a month left of tenth grade he was in the library in school. He was looking for information on the Internet. He wanted to learn more about LGBTQ+. As he reread the descriptions of bisexuality and pansexuality he realised that they fit for him. He had never been interested in a relationship or anything, but he now understood that he had had a crush on his seventh grade art teacher. A man. He knew that it was really cool to love people despite their gender, but he couldn't help and hate himself for the whole month. He kept thinking that he's an even bigger disappointment to his mother than he already thought he was. He always saw how greater his brother was, but now it was a new low for Yoongi. The only comfort was his piano.Eleventh grade was uneventful except for him finding his first real friend. Yoo Kihyun. Kihyun was the one who began the conversion. They had biology, ethics and P.E. together. Yoongi found the relationship odd. He didn't feel worthy of a friend.In twelfth grade, the last year, he was learning to drive and that showed him a new level of self hatred he didn't knew was possible. After a month he wanted to encourage himself to not fail and cut himself for the first time. He would occasionally do it. Lightly drag a blade across his shoulder when he would feel overwhelmed.One evening he was changing into his pajamas. Well, he wanted to, but when he grabbed his shirt to pull it off his body started shaking and he fell to the floor. He grabbed his hair. He couldn't breath and his eyes were on fire as he tried to keep his tears unshed. He stayed suffocating and shaking for about ten minutes. During that time he realised that he had a panic attack. He tried to change and it remained him of his stepfather's requests and touches. Four years after the main incident he now had a reaction. While still shaking and legs limb he forced himself to slowly change and he laid down in bed not touching his own body. He just played Solitaire on his phone. That game had a weird calming affect on him. After a few hours he dropped his phone in panic as his fingers brushed together. He tried to breath and collect himself and continued to play the game till morning. He went on with his day like nothing had happened.He started to jump at the deeper louder breath his stepfather would make, he even would try his best to avoid him, leave the room when he enters. He tried not to be obvious. But his mother noticed. That sparked even more arguments. She would remind him that that man cared for Yoongi much more than his father ever has. The father Yoongi hadn't seen in years. The father that only called during the holidays. The father that didn't even visit him in the hospital when he had appendicitis, unlike his stepfather. Who visited everyday and then brought him home. And it was true. His stepfather was a good and caring father when forgetting about the sexual misconducts. That was what made Yoongi feel even more like shit. He was being rude to a person who cared for him more than his biological father. He felt so guilty.He couldn't remember the last morning he woke up not feeling disappointed he hasn't died in his sleep. Sometimes while he would cut his upper arm he would put the blade to his neck. One evening he remembered that he would put a big kitchen knife to his throat as a kid. Just to feel the cool metal. He realised he had issues his while life. He began believing he was born as a huge mistake. He reminded himself how horrible he was as he cut in the side where his stepfather held him and kissed hm. But he was too ticklish. Which enraged him. With time the cuts got deeper. His driving exams didn't help. He chugged down a lot of sleeping pills and sedatives before driving. He knew it was dangerous, but he was too anxious. People scared him so much by that time. His room was the safe zone. After he graduated highschool, he began cutting his thighs. His upper arm was lacking space. Cuts got deeper. He even made himself throw up. He wanted to get the disgust from the act four years prior out. Then he began reading about eating disorders to scare himself out of one.He began university. Bachelor's in music. Besides his mother, only thing that kept him from killing himself. He cut deeper, on other places on his body, he develop an eating disorder. But he eventually stopped cutting after the first simester. Throwing up was now the thing that calmed him down. It also helped to minimise the pain from binges. But he would still occasionally cut himself for binging or eating on a day he wasn't supposed to. He still wanted to die. He would still feel disgusting and angry when he would hear the man breath loudly or when he would smell beer, a drink his stepfather enjoyed consuming. University was a nightmare. His bulimic tendencies didn't make him loose much weight. But people noticed. And he hated it. And he wanted to loose a lot of weight. His stepfather wouldn't like a skeleton. Nor would the other creepy middle aged men that don't know about personal space and consent. It was his fault, he believed, he's responsible if it happens again. After university he left to Seoul. He started restricting more. That ment he had to purge less. He didn't mind. He did eat way below a normal amount. He then quit purging. Some days he would strave. He craved the pain. Physical pain was what he (he believed) could control. It was his secret. He wanted it, no one put it on him. Unlike the memories. It was his medicine. His mom would keep telling him to visit, but he kept telling her that his work schedule is too unpredictable. She didn't seem to believe it too much as he worked in retail. But all he wanted to do after work was lay on the mattress. He didn't have a bed. A mattress with a blanket and a pillow in his extremely tiny apartment. He also had an electric teapot to make tea. He got addicted to it as it was his only meal often. He knew people with anorexia often live off tea, but he still believed he didn't have an eating disorder. He didn't realise that the amount of bones he could see sticking out was a sign he could die at any moment. One day he decided to go out. He regretted it instantly. He was so cold. His winter hoodie wasn't enough to protect him from the soft spring wind. His pants were barely hanging on with the help of a belt from the kids section. He hated how much pain he felt everyday. But he craved it, he got high off of it. He deserved to die a painful death. It was all going according to plan. It was also fascinating to him that he got even paler. He didn't think it was possible. And it was such a huge contrast from his dark circles. Some kids that would pass him would end up running away. Finally, he became the repulsive, hideous creature he wished to be outside as well. He can't be hurt that way anymore. He's finally safe.Despite that. The whole world was spinning. It has been over three weeks since he had a bite in his mouth. And even then he spat it out. He was slumping like he's drunk. Everything hurt and his body felt heavy even though he felt like he was about to fly away from the gentle wind. He reached the end on the busy side of the city. He barely saw any people there. He knew there was a bridge around five minutes further. That was his final destination.When he saw it he took a sigh of relief. With his aching body he managed to get over the railing and he stared back at the little wave swimming to one side. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath letting the wind push him towards the hungry depth of the river.