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The wind is blowing hard outside and Renjun has been counting little crushing sound which comes from outside because of the wind. He sighs and takes his phone out under his blanket,the light of his screen burning his eyes but after few seconds it is less painful. The boy checks the time first,it's four in the morning. He clicks the Twitter icon and regrets quickly to open it. He can't do that. It's five in the morning Renjun has been checking the hashtags about Jeno and Jaemin. Why it hurts as hell? Of course it hurts since he is dating with Jeno but they can't show the world their love and the worst thing Jeno has been getting shipped with Jaemin meanwhile many fans calling Renjun,slut or making him thirdwheel and sometimes saying Jeno used him till Jaemin comes back from hiatus. Renjun is hurt... It's eight in the morning Renjun feels some of members are getting up due to the sound comes from kitchen. He wants to get up but he can't even keep his eyes open since he has been checking what's going on social media. In the end his heart get broken. A soft knocking sound gives his body to alert and Renjun closes his eyes,pretends to sleep. It doesn't Jeno,Renjun knew cause Jeno never knocks the door of his room,he just gets in and snuggles to Renjun on the bed so many times saying lovely words while giving pecks to him. It's what Renjun loves and has been craving for."Hyung~ Renjun hyung"Chenle's sleepy voice softly echoed in his ears and Renjun opened his eyes. He finds cute when Chenle's rubs his eyes sheepishly."Manager hyung prepared breakfast. Wake up"Renjun nods and gets up on his bed while watching Chenle is going back to living room. He wanted to get inside his warm blanket again since he didn't sleep but most importantly he doesn't want to show his moody side to Jeno. He doesn't want to create misunderstandings between them. Renjun bounces a little when he feels hand on his. The little affection he has been craving from his lover put a light smile on his lips and Renjun looks at Jeno. He sees the worried look on Jeno's face while the younger softly tucking Renjun's hair behind his ear."Don't you feel good? Are you sick? Let me check your fever"Jeno pressed his lips on Renjun's forehead while Renjun closing his eyes,wishing this moment will never ends. The younger slowly pulls back to cup his face between his wide palms."You don't have fever tho! Babe is everything okay?"Renjun gives a little nod to Jeno. No matter what he sees on social media the truth is in front of him,the truth is Jeno,crouched in front of Renjun and looking at him with heart eyes as always but why Renjun feels like dying? "Shh! What happened Renjun? You're scaring me"Renjun didn't realise he is crying till Jeno wipes his tears away with his thumbs. The worry of his face gets bigger,Renjun sees that and feels more guilty. Jeno is here for him and he should stop crying."I just had a nightmare,very very bad one""Renjun~"Jeno sighs while getting up to sit beside his lover. He hugs the petit figure of Renjun and they stay like that for a second till Jeno decides to cut of silence."I really thought something happen and you didn't tell me. You know how much I worried?"Jeno cups Renjun's face and puts few little pecks on his lips till Renjun smiles. Yeah the truth which only members know is here and no one has to know. Jeno is here and still inlove with Renjun."I love you Jeno. So much""I love you too baby,more than everything" Renjun feels better. When he looks down he sees Jeno's hand captured his. Swinging their hands while walking and sometimes Jeno pulls Renjun to himself,it causes soft giggles. But this sweet moments ended for Renjun when their manager told them to have photoshot and Jeno will pair up with Jaemin. Why it has to be Jaemin again?Seriously Renjun doesn't hate Jaemin. He knows Jaemin is total sweetheart and loves to show his love to everyone. He was the first one to notice Renjun's feelings towards to Jeno and gives him courage to talk,always putting them together. Renjun never hates Jaemin but it hurts him to see what their fans say or how they ship Jaemin and Jeno while insulting Renjun. Renjun couldn't watch when it was Jaemin and Jeno's turn. Instead he digs his head to his phone,figting with his innerself not to check the hashtags again but everytime he loses to himself. He sees many people are hyping up for their upcoming photoshots and mostly about the two... "Hyung are you-"Suddenly the air isn't enough to breathe and Renjun leaves their photoshot stage quickly. He left Jisung and Chenle behind him confused and went to rooftop. He leans on the railings while looking down and breathing deeply. For a second he wanted to leave his body to space and let himself fall.His chest feels so heavy and Renjun can't breathe properly for a while even though he is on the rooftop to take some fresh air. He crouches down to the ground and holds his stomach. He definitely wants to throw up just like he wants to do the same thing for the ugly feelings inside he has been keeping in for so long. He just stayed there till sunset. He was expecting a text or a call from Jeno at least but none of them happened. It has been hours and the photoshot has to be ended but why Jeno isn't around meanwhile he is the only person Renjun needs. The screen of his phone lightens up and Renjun quickly checks. Hoping it's from Jeno but his hopes dropped into water at the same second he took his phone in his hands. The message from their manager,telling him they need to head back to dorm. Renjun sighs and gets up,the weather is already gets dark... The realisation hits Renjun when his stomach growls. He hasn't eaten anything except from breakfast and his knees are shaking with his every step. He wants to throw up again but he tries to shrug the feeling off."Injunnie are you okay?"Renjun's eyes are getting darkened for a second but Taeyong is luckily here to hold him from falling down. He let the boy sit and gives him water."Are you okay? Where is Jeno?""I don't know"Renjun barely talks. His lips dried and he noticed he didn't talk for so long. He massaged his forehead and his eyes getting teary,totally forgets Taeyong is still here and looking at him worriedly."I'll call Jeno okay?""Hyung no! I'm fine""You are saying this but I'm seeing reverse""Just call a taxi. Please" When Renjun gets into dorm he only sees Chenle and Jisung. The youngers are looking at him as he is kinda a ghost which might be true due to his look right now. He tried to smile"Where is Jeno?""Ugh in Jaemin hyung's room"What would be more heartbreaking for today, Renjun can't decide. He looks down before asking another question but a familiar laugh cuts him off. Jeno's laugh...Looks like he is pretty fine. Renjun heads to his room while mumbling good night to the youngers. He is tired... Mentally,emotionally,physically... He is just tired and he just wished everything is actually a nightmare and Jeno will be there,whispering sweet words to his ear at the morning but it isn't nightmare. No matter how tired he is Renjun couldn't help himself to check the news. He sees photos of Jeno and Jaemin,their gifs,many comments... He sees how people are getting crazy over the two. Renjun's heart about to stop while he was logging off. He saw a photo taking by a fan of Jeno and Jaemin at the Starbucks. A loud hiccup left his mouth and Renjun quickly covers his mouth with his hand. He can't stop his tears from falling down and soak all over his face while trying to be quite. He has been covering his mouth with his hands for not to make sounds while hearing Jeno's laughs from next room.Hours passed and Renjun feels tired because of crying. He took his phone is his hand to call someone but put it back quickly. Mark is probably sleeping and Renjun doesn't want to disturb anyone. Maybe he is being overly sensitive. Jeno and Jaemin are best friends and have known each other for so long and Jeno won't cheat on Renjun. He has been telling this to himself for so long because he wants to believe this. All people try to believe themselves somethings because they are afraid of truths and Renjun is afraid too. He wants to believe Jeno is still there for him. Renjun fell asleep around five am. He wakes up earlier than anyone,takes a quick shower and leaves the dorm. He doesn't want to face with Jeno today so he will go to company alone. Texted their manager after he got into taxi.Jaehyun,Doyoung and Johnny are talking near of the huge window and Renjun greets them while his eyes are searching for someone he wants to talk since yesterday. When he sees Mark,Renjun just sits next to him and gains a bright smile from the older."Hi Jun! Is everything okay? Taeyong hyung told me that you were looking so bad yesterday"Tears are climbing up to his eyes quickly and Renjun's teeth sink into his bottom lip not to make a desperate sound. As expected Mark's expression changed and he gets up,dragging Renjun behind to unused room."Hyung..."Renjun throws himself to Mark's arms. Finally letting all of his emotions out he has been keeping for,the older doesn't know what should he do except from patting on Renjun's back softly. He knows Renjun barely opens up to someone and wonders how long he has been bottling up his feelings. Renjun looks at his phone and sees a message from Jeno but doesn't answer. Finally he gets calm down and he is sitting side by side with Mark. "So... Gonna tell me what's wrong?""I will but... Hyung I don't know if I'm making up stuffs or I am just denying facts"Mark furrows his eyebrows but doesn't jump into not to cut off Renjun cause he is about to start open up."These days I feel like Jeno is cold to me. He wasn't the same Jeno months ago""What makes you think that way? You look fine as always"Renjun massaged the bridge of his nose before start talking again."I don't know should I say this cause I know it's fucking childish but I can't take off this disgusting feeling out of my chest""You know Jun I've never judged you and I won't"Renjun nods. Trying to find real words which would hurt him less when he hears them out loud."Yeah... The thing is Jeno is being too close to Jaemin and spend most of his days with him... Going out and making vlive with him or posting many selcas with him""Do you think Jeno is cold to you because of Jaemin?"Mark raises his eyebrows. Didn't expect this he thought Jeno and Renjun had fight but guess not."I don't know! You know what is the worst thing?! People out there are shipping them like crazily and saying that Jeno used me till Jaemin comes back from hiatus or making me third person whom tries to seperate them-"He starts sobbing and quickly looks down while wiping the tear away. He is waiting an answer from Mark but the older has been silent"You shouldn't read those comments Renjun. You know people even ship me with you but does it makes us lover? No! You're dating with Jeno and he loves you""I know and I have been keep telling this to myself so many times but this feeling is killing me hyung"Mark opens his arm to hug Renjun tightly. He wants to help him so much. He knows Renjun probably tried to shrug of this feeling for so long since he doesn't want to believe but he gotten worse. "Why don't you talk about it with Jeno?""Talk about it with me what?"They both raised their heads towards to voice and Renjun slides himself out of Mark's hug. He sees the anger and disappointment in his lover's eyes and the feeling of throwing up come back. He feels Mark gets up from his chair and leaves the room while shutting the door behind quietly."Are you really okay? What are you hiding again from me? Have you ever checked your phone? No cause you came here early to spend times with Mark hyung"Renjun feels the anger with every words of Jeno. He is like spoiled kid who gets scolded by his mom and stays silent. He looks down not to show his tears meanwhile Jeno keeps mumbling things "Can't you calm down for a second?"His voice came out like a beg. He hates to look weak and just wants to go out right now."Renjun are you out of your mind? What are you thinking? Why are you keep hiding things from me and why are you isolating yourself from me?! Did I do something wrong?"Jeno's voice shaked on his last sentence. Renjun doesn't know was it because of madness or guilt but it looks like Jeno doesn't have any regret on his tone.Instead of talking Renjun takes his phone and gives it to Jeno before leaving the room. He makes his steps faster but he stops when he hears loud crushing sound which comes from the room he gets out of earlier. He wants to check what happened and Is Jeno okay there but his steps are doing reverse what he desires. He gets into practice room and gets many curious eyes on him. Without telling anything he makes his steps towards to their manager to ask drop him to dorm again. Their manager gave a nod and they went out,Renjun isn't ready to see Jeno nor fight with him. Before fare the manager Renjun holds his arm to make him stop."Hyung can you take my phone and give it to me when you come back?""Sure but will you tell me what's going on between you and Jeno?""Not yet! Please just do what I want from you"The manager nodded before leaving. After that Renjun forced himself to eat somethings but he couldn't eat much. Like all we do he chose to sleep for escaping from his problems. He heard soft knocking sounds and pretends to sleep again. After few steps inside his room Renjun hears a sigh while the person is putting something on commode and coming closer to him."Injun I know you're not sleeping but you know... If you wanna talk I'm here"When Jaemin leaves Renjun presses his head to pillow while huffing. Jaemin is such a sweetheart again and Renjun messed up everything for him and Jeno. He wonders if Jeno will still wanna be lovers... During breakfast the tension is too high. Even their manager doesn't talk and Jeno's annoyed face is the first thing everyone notices. He even yelled at Jisung and Chenle and kept slamming things which makes Renjun more insecure. He has never seen this side of Jeno and he is afraid if Jeno is totally hating him.At practice Jeno has been doing every move wrong and getting mad,sometimes leaving the room and no one dares to go after him. Renjun sighs and follows him to the rooftop. Their favorite pleace."Jeno?"Renjun approaches him like freaked puppy. His hand hung up on air when Jeno turned to him. His face is as cold as stone and Renjun can't see any love in his eyes anymore."Let's not talk for awhile"Jeno passed him by and left Renjun there. This is end of the road,Renjun messes up everything with stupid unrealistic feelings and now he is losing the most precious thing in his life. He wipes the tear away but they are keep coming... A week has passed like hell. Jeno has been ignoring Renjun and doesn't go out of his room. Every night Renjun wants to knock his door but in the end he gives up. It is around five am when Renjun notices the bottle of pills on the drawer of kitchen. He takes few in his hands and about to leave while shaking his head softly. He can't think healthily,he is sure he isn't supposed to do this but he isn't different from dead meat without Jeno. He took the bottles in his hand again"Hyung what are you doing?""Huh? Jisung you scared me!"He passes Jisung by and gets into his room. He is looking at bottle of pills and spacing out. Thinking what would happen to Jeno,members and his family but he is dying everyday. Last month was such a test for him and Renjun totally sucked up. He opens the bottles,nothing bad would happen. Renjun opens his eyes into white room and he thinks he died until he sees Chenle and Jisung coming closer to his face."Oh my god! Hyung are you- ugh! What were you thinking?!" Chenle kicks the imaginary stone in front of him and walks here and there without getting far away from Renjun. He is trying to put his anger under control "Where is Jeno?"Jisung rolls his eyes while sitting on his chair."Don't worry no one knows what you tried to do except from us! Hyung if I didn't notice you took those pills... How old are you exactly? Three?""No Jisung! A three years old kid would be more mature"Chenle sits next to jisung while putting his face into his palms and brushes his hair back nervously. Renjun eyed the watch on the wall and sees it's almost eight am,others will wake up and get worry when they notice the three are missing."We should go back to dorm""We told manager hyung"Renjun gets up immediately. It's such a shame but mostly he afraids if Jeno knows what he tried to do. He is such a trouble..."Calm down! Let me correct Chenle's words... We told him that you got sick so we took you to hospital"Jisung explains. He looks so tired and Renjun feels more guilty. He is being kid and doing weird things without realising he hurts many people around him."Now tell us what happened between Jeno hyung and you""We broke up... I guess and all of it was my fault"Renjun told everything from beginning to end. The youngers are being more mature than he expected and didn't blame Renjun. They said it's normal to have this feelings sometimes but it didn't help him to got scold by these two. It was around ten am when Renjun sees Jeno with bouquet in his hands,Jaemin is behind him and Renjun tries to hold himself back from old thoughts... Renjun sees Jeno mumbled something to others and after they left.The younger sits the empty chair next to Renjun."Hey"It felt like thousand years for Renjun not to hear Jeno's voice and he bite his lips."Hey"Jeno put the bouquet on commode and gulps. Renjun examines every feature of his face,his anger finally left his face."How do you feel now? Sorry I couldn't beside you""I'm better now"Renjun smiles... The conversation is too cold. They even weren't like that when they first met and now they're far from two strangers."I miss us Renjun"With sudden confession Renjun looks at Jeno. He sees the younger's teary eyes and feels his heart turns into pieces."I got mad cause...Cause you didn't tell me what bothers you and thought I could like Jaemin while I'm totally into you"Jeno wipes the tear as soon as it falls down and sniffs. Another reason to hate himself for Renjun;made Jeno cried."If you came to me and said...Damn why the fuck were you searching unrealistic stuffs?! Can't you see how I'm inlove with you? What do you want from me to make you believe me?"Jeno's begging obviously and doesn't try to wipe his tears this time. Renjun reaches for Jeno's hand and holds it tightly with his both tiny ones. It's warm as always."I know I was so immature and that's why I didn't wanna tell it but Jeno do you know how it hurts when you see the most precious person in your life getting shipped someone else and you're getting all insultes?? I have been trying to ignore it but whenever I see you with Jaemin those thoughts kept bugging me... You were keep going out with him and barely picked up my calls"Jeno gets up from his chair and sits edge of the bed,facing Renjun... He cups his tiny puffy face and places kiss to his forehead,his cheeks and his lips.The kiss was desperately passionate since both missed each other"You're the only one Renjun and no one can replace you... Please stop listen false rumours I'm begging you and tell me what is bothering you instead of bottling up""I will...This time I swear I will"Jeno pulls him softly for a hug. Both of them missed this crazily,both feel completed when they have each other and stay like that for minutes,the best moments for both in this month."I love you""I love you too... I will keep telling you this hundred times in a day not to forget what is real"Renjun giggles and softly hit Jeno's shoulder. In the end they're good,still together and still inlove. Jeno places a kiss to Renjun's nose while the older is sitting on his lap during lunch break. They heard others are making disgusted noises but they're also happy after everything turns into normal."I'm packing up my stuffs totally to move your room""Your stuffs already in my room""I still go to my room to change"Jeno whines while placing another kiss to Renjun's face randomly. Getting soft chuckle from him."Renjun?""Yes?""I love you""87?""No it's 90""Can't believe you're actually counting" Renjun wraps his arms around Jeno's neck and pulls him for a proper kiss while others are looking away. A sweet kiss which makes them smile while pressing their lips to each other and makes them not want to end..."I love you too"