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PRESENT The realization was rather unexpected when it hit him. It was so powerful that the mere thought of it stole the breath from his lungs. It caused his heart to race and made him feel dizzy beyond reasoning. It was almost frightening just how intense the emotion was. Simon realized--while laying curled in bed next to Markus-- just how much he LOVED him. It wasn't the love that he THOUGHT he felt because he already knew that he loved Markus. Yet, it wasn't until that precise moment-- when he was lazily tracing the freckles across Markus's nose while he dozed-- that he realized that he was IN LOVE with him. It was then that Simon recognized that he had been in love with an IDEA of Markus. As much as Simon hated to admit it, Markus had an image plastered on him that Simon couldn't help but see. He was 'The Jock'. The popular sports kid who all the girls wanted to date, and who all the boys wanted to be. However, what Simon had failed to realize was that just...MARKUS. MARKUS was just an average guy. He was a guy who enjoyed painting and loved listening to music. He loved to read literature, loved cooking, loved playing video games, and loved watching movies and sports. There was nothing uniquely special about him that put him above anyone else, and yet... to Simon he WAS special. Markus was a COMEPLETLY kind-hearted individual. In this day in age, most people often tended to be cynical or bitter. Simon himself often found himself falling into the cynical group, but not Markus. The pretty-eyed male had his bad days like everyone else, but he always tried to see the best in people, and he would never give up trying to help someone. Markus had the kindest heart and soul and THAT was what Simon LOVED about him. THAT was what Simon was IN LOVE with.Looks didn't last forever, and while Simon was sure that Markus would indeed be the hottest old person to ever exist, his looks weren't the defining factor about him. At least it wasn't what Simon was the most attracted to. Simon just wasn't the type of person--while he could appreciate them like anyone else-- who was attracted solely to looks. Hell, he and Markus almost didn't end up dating, because Simon thought he was just like every other Jock.Markus's popularity didn't mean anything to him either. School popularity...well that didn't mean shit once you got into the real world. How popular you were in high school and college meant nothing in the long run. The people in the real world don't give a crap about how people wanted your number or to hang out with you. Once you graduated, you simply became another nobody in the sea of people trying to make it in an unforgiving world. However, Markus's heart...The way that his beautiful green-eyes always lit up when he looked at him. The way they softened and crinkled at the corners when he smiled. The way that he was always checking to make sure that he was alright because he knew he had anxiety. The endless bouts of encouragement he gave, assuring Simon he could do anything he put his mind to because he believed in him. Hell, even the way that he got jealous sometimes as though Simon was some sort of treasure that he was highly possessive of and wanted to keep away from others. That was what he loved about Markus. He felt that love so deep inside on him that he felt like it was APART of him. Like a piece of his soul now completely belonged to the other.Simon didn't just love, Markus. He knew that now. He was IN love with him...and it fucking terrified him.Simon was brought out of his thoughts when Markus tightened his arm around his waist and pulled him closer. He cracked open one of his startling beautiful green-eyes to look at him. "I must not have done my job right if you're still awake after THAT." Simon couldn't help his smile although his heart was racing at his sudden revelation. He traced a hand against Markus' freckled shoulder. "Trust me, you 'definitely' did your job right. I'm just...thinking." Markus observed him with soft eyes. His eyes were ALWAYS so soft when he looked at him. "About what, kitten?" He whispered, his voice warm and slightly husky from their vigorous lovemaking.Simon bit his lip. Now was NOT the time for pet names. He gazed into Markus's eyes and felt his chest tighten fiercely. He loved him. He loved him so much. He had to say it! He had to say it...***"What do you mean you couldn't say it and left?!" Simon banged his head against the table as he relayed the story to Elijah, keeping the more 'explicit' bits to himself. He was sure that he was getting odd looks from people, being they were at a coffee shop, but he was too lost in his own idiocy to care.It was day's ago, but he was STILL regretting on his cowardice. There was no other word for it! He was a straight-up coward! It would have been the most perfect moment worth remembering, and what did he do? Frantically give Markus a kiss, redressed, and bounced out his apartment like he was being chased by an angry mob. He could kick his own ass right now.It had been three days since that horrific embarrassing incident and his revelation. He and Markus hadn't spoken much beyond texting. Simon knew that Markus was hurt and confused. He could tell in the way that he texted and the lack of pet names and emojis he used. Simon honestly wanted to cry, because he knew just how badly he messed up. Simon kept his face planted down on the table. He wanted to crawl under it, curl into a ball, and disappear forever!"I wanted to! It was on the tip of my tongue, but I just... couldn't! I can't explain it, but I know that I messed up and--" "Hey, hey, calm down," Elijah said patting his shoulder. "Look, Markus is WAY too into you to break up with you over something like this. I think he's more WORRIED that you left like that than angry."Simon took his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose tightly. "You don't understand, Elijah! I keep doing it! He knows that I WANT to say it and I DON'T! Plus, now that he's opened up and told me all that stuff about him in high school, I'm afraid that he's going to think that I don't want to be with him because of that! I swear that had nothing to do with it! I don't care who he was with in the past, all that matters is that he's with me right now and--" "Here's a thought, "Elijah interrupted, "Why don't you tell him that?"Simon glared at the fourteen-year-old incredulously. "Have you not been listening to word that I've been saying? I can't!"Elijah rested his chin in the palm on his hand and deadpanned at him. "Why?" Simon rolled his eyes and hissed out in frustration. "I told you, I don't know!" He gritted through his teeth.Elijah pursed his lips in doubt. "You do know, otherwise you wouldn't be here whining to me about it right now." Simon frowned deeply, Elijah was always blunt, but damn... he couldn't believe he called him out like that. "I have a question," Simon said he picked up his mocha frappe a bit more vigorously than intended, "Why do 'I' have to be the one to say it first?! I mean...why can't Markus step up and say it?!"Elijah rolled his eyes and regarded him calmly. "I don't know, maybe--and feel me on this I know it might be a little hard to understand with how your mind works-- he's just as scared to say it as you are?"Simon felt like he had been punched in the stomach. Boom, pow, and there it was. He set his drink back on the table and hid his face in his hands. That's what it all hard-boiled down to. Fear. Simon thought it was rather ironic that it took a fourteen-year-old's brain to understand the problem better than his twenty-year-old brain. He guessed age didn't stop you from being a dumbass. Then again, Elijah was no NORMAL fourteen-year-old.The hard but simple truth was, he and Markus knew exactly how they felt about each other. However, they were both too afraid to do anything about it.Simon sighed and twiddled his thumbs on the table. He had a headache."It's...it's not that easy, Eli." Elijah nodded and his face was oddly sympathetic. Simon didn't understand how someone so young could hold so much wisdom. "I know that it isn't. Still, I've seen how you two look at each other. You both have definitely kept me up FAR too many nights. I know that you can tell that he loves you too, sooooo..." Simon scrubbed his hands vigorously down his face. "I know he cares about me, but I don't know if he loves me... not like I love him...and sorry."Elijah snorted and sighed. "It's okay. Look, I can't make you two realize that you're being idiots, but I can say that I've known Markus since I was small. I've watched him go through his 'playboy' faze. He was a total dick, I'm not going to lie, and he broke a lot of hearts. However, there was always this LOOK in his eyes when he was with some random hookup." Elijah scratched at the back of his neck in thought. "He was pretty much the definition of a guy that was only interested in one thing. His interest in a person never REACHED his eyes ya know, and once he was done with them he was DONE with them." Simon frowned. Was this supposed to make him feel better?Elijah caught his look and smiled. "I'm trying to make a point, just listen. When you told me that you had a crush of Markus, do you know why I was so quick to set you two up like that?" Simon shook his head. "Why?" Elijah offered him a small smile. "Believe it or not...Markus had a crush on you too."Simon blinked rapidly and his mouth opened and closed in a loss for words. No! No, that was impossible. He was a nobody! Markus had people foaming at the mouth to get in his pants! There was no way that he was interested in HIM. Why would he have a crush on HIM of all people?! "You're not funny! Stop lying!" Elijah narrowed his eyes, highly offended. "I'm not lying! When Markus said he had seen you around campus he was telling the truth!" Simon shook his head in clear denial. "Okay, so if he had a crush on ME of all people...Why didn't he say anything?"Elijah gave him a look as though he was the stupidest person on the planet. "First, would you have even said yes if he asked you out? Second, why didn't YOU say anything to HIM about your crush?"Simon looked away from Elijah's intense stare guiltily. This teenager shouldn't have more common sense than him. He was making him look really stupid. Or perhaps pathetic was a more accurate term."Because you thought he wouldn't be interested. Am I wrong?" Elijah answered for him. Simon sighed deeply and shook his head. He wasn't wrong. Elijah offered him another small smile. "The same goes for him, Simon. I don't know why you think he's something greater than he is. He's a normal person, who just happens to be a little popular. He's popular by people who don't even know him and only care about what they can get from him. You think that he's some untouchable god when he not, and you won't say that you love him because you don't think you're good enough for him."Simon closed his eyes tightly. He felt like he would cry if he didn't. Damn... the truth hurt. Even more so when it was from a child who had never been in a relationship before. Elijah should be going to school for Psychology. "Markus has changed, Simon. I admit that he wasn't the best person back in his teens in regards to relationships, but he's changed. I don't even know why he starting liking YOU in particular, but he wouldn't shut up about; 'This blonde guy I've seen the campus with the most amazing baby-blue-eyes, and the cutest freckles you've ever seen in your life!'" Simon blushed deeply. That meant it had to have been around the summer because he only got freckles in the summer."My point is, you think that you're not good enough for him...but he doesn't think he's good enough for you either. When I was talking about the way he looked at people earlier, I said that because I've never seen him look at anyone like he looks at you. Never. EVER. You're his whole world, Simon, and I wish you could see that. I honestly wish...that you both could see that their's nothing wrong with either you." Elijah checked his phone looking at the time. "I have to go to a class. Just...think about what I said, Simon. Honestly, you two deserve each other because you both behave like idiots, but whatever. I hope you figure it out soon." Simon watched Elijah as he left. He sat and thought about everything the teen said for a while, playing with the straw of his drink before he mentally kicked himself.He spent the whole time talking about himself when he ORIGINALLY asked Elijah on this outing to talk about the teen. He knew Markus said to leave him be until exams were over--and they were one week away-- but he was REALLY worried about Elijah. The young man had seemed so...distant lately. More so than he normally was. Especially after he went to go and spend the weekend with his sister.Markus and Simon had a lovely weekend together. However, when Elijah has returned from his sisters, just as Simon was leaving the apartment he stormed past them both and went to his room without a word. Markus assured him that he would talk to him and that he would be okay, but Simon was extremely worried.He knew EXACTLY how DARK your thoughts could get at that age. He knew what it was like being the smartest one around, and the jealousy of people that came with it. Elijah was young and all by himself in a world full of adults, and adults could be mean too. Sure, he had Markus, but Markus wasn't around him all the time and lately, Simon hadn't been either.Simon picked up his glasses and slide them on his face. He needed to return to his dorm to study. He didn't know how he could even help Elijah when he was such a clusterfuck himself.***Simon blinked up from his screen when he heard a knock on his door. He checked the time, it was early afternoon and he wasn't expecting anyone. It couldn't be Elijah since he was pretty sure the teen had classes all day today. He slid his laptop off his lap and went to answer it. He just managed to choke back an obnoxious gasp when he saw Markus standing before him."Markus, w-what are you doing here?" He asked. Markus rarely ever visited him at his dorm since he had a wonderful apartment all to himself. Well, almost to himself. Simon blinked in worry when he realized just how tired he looked. Markus flashed him a small smile, but it barely reached his eyes.Markus rubbed a hand down his face and began rambling quickly. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to barge in on you. I know you have a lot of work to do for exams, but I had quite the day today--as in it's been absolute shit-- and I just kinda needed to be around you and--" Simon shushed him, although his heart fluttered slightly at the confession. "Slow down," he said grabbing him by his wrist and ushering him inside. He pulled Markus over to his bed and sat him down. Markus dropped his bag off his shoulder and to the floor and shrugged off his varsity jacket. Simon sat down next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "What happened?"Markus sighed scrubbing his hands down his face. "What didn't happen today? I was distracted at practice and got my ass chewed by the coach. Then as if he wasn't already pissed at me I got into a fight with another player, so now I'm benched for the final game this weekend. My art teacher hates me and I think is actively trying to fail me for the semester. I went home to ice my shoulder to find an eviction notice on the door of our apartment. As if that wasn't enough, top it ALL off, I'm pretty sure that Elijah is on the verge of a mental breakdown." Markus groaned and flopped back on the bed. Simon blinked as he tried to mentally digest everything that Markus had just said. He moved to lay on the bed next to Markus and looked him over. His eyes were closed and if Simon didn't know any better he'd say he was asleep. "Okay, let's back up a bit. What happened at practice?"Markus sighed, tiredly."I've been kinda distracted this week and so I haven't really been making plays like I should have been during practice. With the game being so close you could imagine why my coach was so upset. Plus, after what I told him earlier this week he was just not in a good mood to deal with me." Simon raised an eyebrow. "Um, you want to elaborate on that a bit? This is news to me."Markus was quiet, but after a moment he answered. "I decided that I'm quitting after the season."Simon blinked rapidly in surprise. It took him a moment to register what he said in his head. "You're... you're quitting football!" Markus chuckled. "You sound about as speechless as coach did when I told him?" Simon took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes vigorously. "I just...you're quitting football!" Markus looked at him softly a small smile playing at his lips. "You sound upset by that. I thought you of all people would be happy about the news." "No! I mean, yes, I mean--" Simon took a deep breath, "Why are you quitting?" Markus frowned and looked away, twirling his thumbs together. "I...I just want to. I joined the football team in high school because I liked the attention and not really because I liked playing. Only, I turned out the be pretty good at it so I kept doing it, but it's never been what made me... happy, ya know."Simon did know. That's the only reason he was doing his current major. He was good at it, and his parents wanted him to do it. He certainly wasn't becoming a Mathematician because he liked it."I don't know," Markus continued, " I guess I want to focus on my major now that I've...grown up a bit I guess. High school was fun but it's over, and I suppose I want to focus on what I actually want to do now. I already talked it over with my dad and he's okay with the idea. My coach, however..." Simon nodded, patting him on his shoulder. "I can imagine." Markus was their star player and practically the face of the school. This decision was going to change everything. Simon traced his finger across Markus's chest while he thought on his decision. He was quitting football. He was quitting the very thing that gave him 'God'status at this school. Simon couldn't believe it. He... honestly didn't know how he felt about it. "What do you mean that you thought I would be happy that you're quitting?" He asked after a short while.Markus shifted on his back, and he shrugged. "I don't know, you just... don't seem like you like the attention that comes with me being the Quarterback. You certainly got a lot of unwanted attention since we started dating."Simon frowned. That was true, he didn't like the attention. However, he didn't want Markus to change his life because of him. He opened his mouth to voice as much, but Markus beat him to it."I know what you're thinking, Simon, and I'm not just quitting for you. I was actually thinking about it long before we started dating. Football doesn't make me happy, and I should focus my energy on what makes me happy." Simon held back a sigh and looked away. He wished that he could do that, only he had no idea what made him happy. He always did what his parents wanted him to do, and they would not be happy if he suddenly quit something so important. "What did your dad say?"Markus raised cocked a brow in surprise since he had already answered that. "He doesn't really care, actually. He knew I never really liked playing football as much as I liked watching it. He told me to do what I felt was right."Simon actually sighed this time. He wished his dad was that lackadaisical. His parents were everything but calm when it came to his decisions. Simon removed those thoughts from his head and decided to remove the somber tone of the room. "Soooo, I don't get to brag that I'm dating the head quarterback anymore?" Simon teased.Markus's ears perked up almost like a puppy. "Do you really brag about me?"Simon snorted at Markus's nearly hopeful eyes. Simon almost wished that he had someone to brag to him about. He caressed Markus's cheek. "Let it be known that if I had friends to talk to, they would be ready to kill me because I wouldn't shut up about you."Markus' nose scrunched up as he thought about what he said. "I want to take that as a compliment, but at the same time, it makes me really sad."Simon snorted. "Don't be, I'm not." And he really wasn't, he didn't mind solitude he just hated when he was picked on.Markus looked at him softly and brushed some hair off his forehead. Simon grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers together. He kissed his knuckle and smiled at him. "Stop trying to distract me. You said that you got into a fight, and judging from your knuckles and seeing that you don't have a scratch, I can see that you won."Markus huffed and laugh. "He deserved it." Simon raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "Who deserved what?"Markus grimaced. "Charlie," he spoke with a certain distaste.Simon twisted his lips fiercely. Markus didn't have to say anymore, Charlie was an asshole. Markus was very kind and sweet and it took a lot to piss him off to the point that he wanted to punch you. He could only imagine what the asshole said that warranted Markus kicking his ass. It most likely involved him, since Charlie the biggest asshole of his 'friends.' Or former friends he should say."Okay then, what happened with your art teacher?" Markus seemed more than willing to change the subject. "I think it has less to do with me and more to do with my father. They used to know each other and he actually had a one-sided rivalry with him. It just pisses him off something fierce that my dad went and made millions off his art and he ended up being a teacher." Simon tilted his head. "There's nothing wrong with being a teacher." Markus nodded frantically. "You would think, right?! I happen to think teaching is a really important job, and hell, I wouldn't mind doing it in the future. Yet, in his eyes, it's the lowest place you can get with your art. It means that you 'didn't make it'." Markus rolled his eyes an scoffed."I don't even think he cares about art, only the attention that you could get off it, and my father did get a lot of attention off his paintings. Anyway, as a result of his 'failure', he's come to think that abstract art isn't really ART. He says that realism is the only true expression of art and given that my art-style is abstract...you can gather how well we get along."Simon frowned sympathetically. "Well, what did he do today?" "Oh, just said a bunch of bullshit to get on my nerves. That my art is shit and how I'm destined to fail and that I'll a never amount to the art worlds 'standard', and yadda, yadda, yadda, he's an asshole." Simon's mouth fell open in surprise. "He can't talk to you like that?!" Markus sighed and shrugged, rubbing a hand over his forehead. "Yeah, well what am I going to do? It's one week before my final is due and I honestly just want to finish the semester out because next semester I get a different teacher.""Still Markus if he's trying to fail you--""He's not going to fail me, because I've been well within the assignments rules and the final project is freeform. As long as I add in three things that we learned this semester, and I have, he can't fail me. Anyway, I really DON'T care about what he said, I was just irritated about it." Simon still didn't think he should just take it laying down, but Markus had a point. He had one more week and then he was free of the asshole."Alright then, what's this about your apartment?" Markus slowly scrubbed at an eye and groaned. His brow was pinched tightly, so Simon rubbed soothing circles onto his chest"Well, it turns out that my drug addict brother stole my account information and took out all the money in my account I use for rent. I had it set up where I pay monthly automatically instead of in advance because of an issue I had with our previous landlord. Well, turns out this landlord just likes to kick you out when you've missed 3 months of rent. Also, my bank obviously doesn't like to notify you when your account has been randomly drained!" Simon furrowed his brow stupidly at the information. One, Markus never mentioned he had a brother. He knew about his father, and Elijah but not a brother. Two, What the fuck?! He didn't think that his landlord could legally do that to him, without any sort of notice!"Your landlord can't just do that, it's against the law! They have to give you some sort of notice!"Markus nodded. "They did. Via email. Which got sent to my spam folder. Which I never check. Which I have set to delete after 24 hours. I checked it today and found the eviction notice email sent at 9 AM. I think it's a courtesy that they even left a note on the door. Apparently, in the fine print of the contract, the landlord isn't obligated to give me a physical notice since I had it checked to send all notices to my email."Simon shook his head in sympathy. That was complete and utter bullshit. The landlord didn't even bother to talk to him in person about it, and what type of bank doesn't notify you that your account has been drained?! Simon frowned, judging by the look on Markus' face he was very irritated and upset by this. "You have a brother?" Simon could have kicked himself. He was the last person that Markus probably wanted to talk about.Markus nodded a frown on his face. "Well, he wouldn't call us that. However, 'legally' he's my brother.""Why didn't you ever mention him?"Markus frowned deeper. "We don't really get along. He doesn't claim me so I don't claim him." Simon's brows pinched in concern at the bitter tone in Markus' voice. He could tell that there was some deep discourse between the siblings."Yeah, things are kinda rough with my brother too."Markus's head shot up. "You have a brother?!"Simon snorted. Perhaps he and Markus needed to talk about their families a bit more. "A twin believe it or not."Markus narrowed his eyes into slits. "Bullshit. You don't have a twin!"Simon smirked and reached for his phone. He searched through his camera roll until he found a decent photo of him and Daniel. He felt a slight twinge in his chest at the sight of him. He sure hoped he was doing okay. He showed Markus the phone and laughed when he snatched out of his hands and held it close to his face."Simon...there are two of you!"Simon tossed his head back and laughed. "Yeah, I'm aware. Although, I can say with confidence that we are not even remotely close to the same personality wise." He laid next to Markus resting his head on his shoulder. "Can you tell which ones me?" In this particular photo, Simon wasn't wearing his glasses so he and Daniel looked near identical. Markus immediately pointed him out."How did you know?!" He was shocked. Even their own parents had a tough time telling them apart. If he hadn't worn glasses since he was young they probably would refer to them as twin A and B.Markus smiled at him. "Your eyes," he turned his head and looked at him. "I'd recognize your eyes anywhere."Simon hated that he blushed. His mind drifted back to Elijah telling him of Markus's crush. However, that was something to bring up another time. When he wasn't so confused about...the L word.Markus leaned forward and kissed his forehead. "Why didn't you tell me you had a brother and one that was a twin."Simon grimaced slightly. "Daniel's...hard to talk about. I honestly haven't seen him in five years." Markus furrowed his brow. "But you're only 22, that's something you say when you're like 30.""Yeah, well...it's complicated. Let's just say that I can relate to the whole brother on drugs thing."Markus set his phone down and wrapped an arm around him. " Oh shit Simon, I'm sorry. I mean my brothers an ass, but that's got to be rough when you're a twin."Simon nodded. "It's okay. Like I said it's complicated... and we're supposed to be talking about you."Markus snorted and rolled his eyes."Can we stop talking about me? I'd much rather talk about you, you're far more interesting than me."Simon rolled his eyes and deadpanned at him. "I'm not that interesting, and no. What are you going to do about your living situation?"Markus shrugged without care. He was obviously annoyed but not too worried about it."My dad told me not to worry about it and to just move back home. The only reason that I had to an apartment in the first place was so Elijah and I didn't have to make the commute every single day. Still, I'd rather live a little while away and drive a bit more, than deal with another fucked up landlord."Simon raised an eyebrow. "How far away does your dad live?" He had never actually been to their house before.Markus tossed his head back and forth in thought. "About 45-minutes, if we don't have traffic. He lives in a private area so it takes a bit more time to get to the campus."Simon understood. Markus' former place was only a 15-minute drive from the campus grounds."Well, look at the bright side," He said trying to be optimistic, "You're brother may have stolen a bunch of money from you, and got you kicked out of your apartment, but you still have a place to live and now you don't have to pay rent."Markus narrowed his eyes tightly before he chuckled. "I...guess that's a bright side. However, that also means you can't sneak into my room at night."Simon rolled his eyes and coyly traced the edge of his shirt. "Hey, I have a whole dorm room all to myself, I'm sure if we're quiet... we could make do."Markus bit his lip slyly and snuck a hand under his shirt. "Wanna test how soundproof these walls are right now?"Judging by the lewd moans he heard through the walls every other night, they weren't that soundproof. Regardless, he knew Markus was just trying to distract him. "Nu-uh mister, we're not done talking. I believe there's a little fourteen-year-old we need to discuss."Markus flopped his head back on the bed and ran a hand over his eyes again. "Yeah...Elijah. The thing about him is I don't know if he's just being an overemotional teenager, or if something is actually wrong with him." Simon made a displeased face. "There is no such thing as an overemotional teenager, Markus. They have issues the same as everyone else. Just because they don't pay bills or some shit doesn't mean the shit they go through means any less."Markus blinked at him in surprise. "That...that wasn't what I was trying to imply," He defended. Simon frowned, "You just called him an overemotional teenager not even ten seconds ago!"Markus raised a hand in defense. "I just meant that he could be dramatic about really simple stuff. He completely flipped out once for being one day late on an assignment that the teacher wasn't even mad about, and he got top marks on. I call that being a little overdramatic."Simon rolled his eyes and huffed in annoyance. He moved out of Markus's arms and scooted to the edge of the bed. He crossed his arms and refused to look at Markus. "Or he could have had a legitimate reason he was upset over it, but you brushed it off as a teenage tantrum! Did you even try to talk to him about it?"He felt Markus sitting up. "Why are you so upset about this, Simon?"Simon clenched his fist. Was Markus even hearing him?! "You shouldn't brush off someone's feelings just because they're younger than you! He might only be 14, but he's still a person like every other adult!"The room grew quiet and tense. Markus was the first to break the tension, by placing a hand on his shoulder. "Simon, I didn't mean to make it sound like I'm dismissing his feelings. However, it doesn't sound like you're talking about him anymore."Simon closed his eyes tightly. He supposed he was speaking for both of them now. "My parents used to do that shit...and they still kinda do. They make it seem like I should be grateful for everything that they do, even when they make me feel like shit. They practically talked down to me every time they even bothered to speak to me, but hey, I should be GRATEFUL that they're even taking care of me in the first place. Others kids aren't so lucky to have a 'loving home', what am I complaining about?"Simon sighed. "Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that my parents worked hard to give me all the opportunities that I have now. I know that other kids AREN'T lucky to have that. Still...I shouldn't feel like I'm LUCKY that they CHOSE to take care of me, ya know. I didn't ask to be brought into the world, they made that choice and...I don't know... I don't think I'm explaining this right."Markus rubbed a hand down his back. "No, I do get what you're saying, and what they said wasn't right."Simon twisted his lips and shook his head. He really didn't want to be talking about his parents. He could already feel his anxiety gripping his chest and preparing to kick his ass. Simon sighed again and rubbed his sweaty palms against his pants leg. "My point is, I understand what it's like at that age to be dismissed because I was too young. I... I was seriously bullied in high school to the point that it... messed with my head. I tried to talk to my parents about it, but they brushed it off a silly teenager shit. They didn't even care to listen because they thought it was just that. What problems could I have? I was just a teenager, I didn't have to worry about bills, I had a roof over my head, and food in the fridge. Boys will be boys. I'd get over it."Simon took a deep breath and exhaled deeply, he couldn't believe that he was even about to say this. He swore that he would never speak about this stuff. "Yet, I didn't just 'get over it'. It got so bad that...I...I considered killing myself."He heard Markus suck in a sharp breath. "What?" He replied, his voice shaking in shock. Simon sniffed as he tried to hold back tears. "I was in a pretty dark place back in high school. Don't worry, I'm...I'm better now. I found ways to cope. I started writing in a journal about everything and...it helped." Simon curled in on himself. "Daniel found ways to cope too...I just wish that it hadn't been with a needle." Simon wiped at his eyes, he refused to cry dammit!"Shit Simon...I...damn. I...I don't know what to say. I mean...My brother was an asshole to me, but my father at least supported me, and I'm not even his real kid."That didn't mean he didn't think of Markus that way. Simon offered the best smile he could. "I'm okay. I learned to live with it and I'm honestly better now. I just have to put up with it for two more years. After college I don't plan to speak with them often," Simon snorted, "not like we even speak now."Markus wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly. "You shouldn't have to feel that way at all, Simon. Shit, I seriously hope that I've never made Elijah feel that way."Simon shrugged. "I don't think that you have, and I didn't mean to get so mad. I know you didn't mean it like that. I just...I know what it's was like at that age, to be the smartest person around, and if there's one thing that adults don't like it's feeling inferior to a child."Markus sighed deeply. "I just... I just wish Elijah wasn't so stubborn about talking about his feelings. I've known him since he was 5 and he was the most tightlipped 5-year-old I had ever met. Even when he would hurt himself while playing he would just stand there and pout with his eyes full of tears rather than talk about what was hurting him." Simon felt his heartache and his worry for the teenager increase. He knew exactly what that was. He behaved that way often. Elijah would rather hurt than be a burden to anyone. That wasn't something that someone so young should feel."Markus, maybe you should actually try sitting him down and talking to him. I mean, you seem like the closest person to him. If you just sit down and listen he may open up. Don't be like me today and only talk about yourself."Markus leaned back from the embrace to look down at him."What were you talking to him about?"Simon froze on the spot and then tried to wiggle out his grip. "Uhhhh, nothing! Um, so I really have to get this paper done, so you should probably go find Elijah and tell him about your living situation."Markus wouldn't release his grip. "I already did, I sent him a text since he's in class. You told me you finished your term paper last week."Simon bit the inside of his cheek. Dammit! Curse this man for actually paying attention to what he said!"I-I have to proof-read it!"Markus narrowed his eyes playfully. "What are you hiding, kitten?" He said slowly. Simon could have gasped. How dare he use kitten! He was convinced Markus was using the pet name as a weapon now!"I'm not hiding anything!" He said trying to pull out of Markus's grip, he really wanted this conversation to stop. Like a cat, Markus's face changed from playful to devious in a second. He leaned in and Simon bit back a moan as he started nibbling on his ear. He lowered his voice and spoke huskily in his ear. "Baby, what are you hiding from me.?"Simon clamped his legs closed, he hated that he was starting to grow aroused. Wait, perhaps he could use this to his advantage. He turned in Markus's arms and kissed him. It was a bit messy, their lips awkwardly joining, but Markus with a chuckle and tilt of his head fixed the messy connection.Simon fixed himself to straddle his lap and pushed Markus back on the bed. He moaned when Markus snuck his tongue in next to his. Simon hadn't meant to get so lost in the kiss as he did, but he was weak to Markus and he knew it. Their tongues rolled together in a sensual dance, that felt...different. Their kisses were always passionate, and this one was without a doubt, but it was a different kind of passion. Perhaps, it was because he knew without uncertainty how he felt about Markus that it made the kiss...tenser. Yet, it was the best kind of tension. The kind that he felt all over his body. His skin tingled. His stomach was swimming in bright vibrant flutters, and his toes curled as pleasure he never felt before raced through his body. Everywhere Markus' hands traveled was alight with pleasurable flame, that made him feel relaxed and oh so excited at the same time.His felt his head grow light and his heart race. Simon shivered when Markus snuck his hands under his shirt, his skin forming goosebumps everywhere the tips of his fingers traced.Markus broke the kiss, his pretty deep pink lips shining with evidence of their passionate moment. Their noses nudged together and their lips lightly brushing. There was something oddly... intimate about the moment. Something that wasn't completely sexual, but... something more. Markus removed his hand from his shirt and cupped his cheek instead. Their faces were still so close together, they were practically breathing the same air. Markus pressed their lips together again and this time it was simply that. There was no tongue, or anything remotely filthy about it. Their lips massaged into each other's simply but desperately, joined together in a kiss that felt familiar and all so new at the same time.Their lips smacked when they parted. Simon felt breathless as they looked into each other's eyes. The way Markus looked at him made him feel like he was the most important person in the world. "I love you,"Like a bucket of cold water hit him, Simon tensed. They both froze completely. Markus's mouth opened and closed as he realized what he just said."Uh, I mean...oh shit..."Simon climbed off him and off the bed like he had been burned. Markus...just said that he loved him. He just said that he LOVED him! He should be happy! Why was he behaving this way?! He should say it back! He should say... SOMETHING, but he felt like he couldn't breathe! "Simon...are you alright?!"Simon wanted to say yes, but he felt like his throat had closed up. He couldn't breathe, he really couldn't breathe! He felt dizzy, and his knees buckle underneath him!Markus was next to him in a second, his arms around him and he helped him down to the ground. "Holy shit, Simon! You're scaring me, what's wrong?!"Simon curled in on himself as his body started shaking. He felt his eyes well with tears that he couldn't stop if he wanted to. Markus said that he loved him, but why?! He was a nobody! There was nothing special about him! Markus could do so much better! He couldn't say it back... because he wasn't good enough! Markus couldn't love him! He couldn't love him, because Simon didn't deserve him! He couldn't love him! He couldn't love him!"Simon, shhhh, it's okay. Just breath okay," He said pulling him against his chest. The sound of Markus's heartbeat invaded his ears. "Just focus on the sound of my heart and breath."Simon tried to force himself to calm down and focus on the steady thump, although it was a little faster than it shoulder be. Most likely from panic at Simon behavior. He listened to the steady thump. Ba-bump.Ba-bump. Ba-bumpHe forced his breathing into slow and steady exhales, allowing the sound of Markus's heartbeat calm him down. In and out. In and out. Sadly, no matter how much he breathed he couldn't stop the tears from flowing down his cheeks. Markus stroked the back of his head and rocked him back and forth. He remained quiet, not saying a word while Simon attempted to calm down. It took Simon a lot longer than it normally did to calm down from an anxiety attack, but eventually, he did. His chest didn't feel as tight anymore and he could breathe again. "I'm sorry," Simon choked out, "I shouldn't have behaved like that. I ruin everything."Markus shook his head and shushed him. "You haven't ruined anything, Simon," He spoke with such conviction that Simon felt a brand new batch of tears fall."You're too good for me, Markus. I don't deserve you!" He cried. "What?" Markus asked, his voice was in startled by his confession. "You're so amazing and perfect...I don't deserve you." Simon closed his eyes tightly and choked on a sob, "You deserve so much better than me!"Markus tightened his arms around him. "Simon..." Markus trailed off at a loss for words. "Simon," He tried against after a moment, "Is this because I told you I loved you?"Simon bit his lip and tried to hold back fresh tears. "Why?! Why, do you love ME?! There are so many people out there better than me! You deserve better!"Markus was silent for a moment before he sighed. "Yeah, there are a lot of people out there Simon... but there's only one YOU. It's you who I've fallen in love with. YOU out of the sea of people who still try and give their numbers to me even though they know I'm in a relationship. YOU over those who try their hardest to get on my good side because they think I can get them some sweet deal of notoriety. It was YOU who caught my attention one summer, and you weren't even doing anything but standing in line waiting for books. It was YOU who made me want to be a better person so I could be worthy of you. Why do I love you, Simon...I don't even know. It isn't just one thing about you, I just...love you...exactly how you are."Simon closed his eyes as more tears slipped from his eyes. His heart felt like it was soaring, but his brain was telling him that it was all a lie.Markus pulled him close and kissed the top of his head. "I know that your brain is telling you something different right now, but I love you, Simon. I deeply, truly, do mean that, and I'll say it as many times as I have to for you to believe it."Simon sucked in his lips. He had to say something, he couldn't just leave things like this. He couldn't just ruin what should have been a romantic moment between them. "Where did you learn the whole heart thing?" It wasn't anywhere near close to what he WANTED to say, but it was better than nothing. "Oh, well...It's what my dad did to me when I was younger and upset. That usually meant that I was throwing a screaming tantrum for not getting the brownie that I wanted though." Simon giggled, although it sounded pitiful. Markus chuckled before he continued. "I just.. it was the first thing that came to mind so I...ya know."Simon couldn't help but smile at who wholesome that was. "Well, it works. Really well." Simon took a deep breath. "You're so amazing and perfect." Markus shook his head. "I'm not perfect, kitten. I've made mistakes like everyone else. Yet... one thing my father always told me was to try to better than the person I was yesterday. So... that's what I try to do, and I'll always try to be a better person for you... because you're worth it, Simon." Simon closed his eyes and snuggled into Markus' arms closer. He certainly didn't know if he WAS worth it, but he would force himself to believe Markus's words anyway. He just hoped soon that he could actually think they were true.Simon thought that everything would be easy after one of them said I love you, but he supposed that real life didn't like to work that way. The L word was hard, but hey, progress not perfection.