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[silence][microphone crackles to life]"I cannot BELIEVE I'm here covering this stupid... okay, hi. My name is Intern Maureen-""-and I'm Michelle of Dark Owl Records-""-and we're here filling in for Cecil Palmer even though he totally does not deserve it. Welcome to Night Vale, or whatever."[music]"So, I bet a lot of you are out here wondering, 'Hey, Maureen? Why are you sitting at Cecil Palmer's microphone and giving the news broadcast? Shouldn't Cecil Palmer be making his own news broadcasts? Or, if he absolutely had to go away for a honeymoon instead of just going to the Applebee's basement honeymoon suite like most people do, why didn't he record it in advance? Why would he pick you, Maureen?' And guess what, I don't know the answer. I really don't. I don't owe Cecil anything. All I will say is, he offered to share his stash of [REDACTED BY THE SHERIFF'S SECRET POLICE] and [REDACTED BY THE SHERIFF'S SECRET POLICE] by-products with me, so there's that.""And I, Michelle, am here to provide support for my girlfriend, who I love a lot.""Yeah, except we don't talk about that on the radio cause that's what Cecil does? Therefore it is mainstream?""Oh my god, you're so right, I am so sorry.""It's okay, babe. Just never do it again. Do you want to read the news report he left for us, or should I?""I can."[throat clearing][papers shuffling]"Okay, here's the news. Wait... this isn't news? Ugh, fine I guess I have to read it... In a beautiful ceremony last night (his wording, not mine) that was attended by literally everyone, Carlos the Scientist married Cecil Gershwin Palmer, who still cannot believe how lucky he is and who would like the public to know that. Palmer added, in a press report that he prepared for Maureen and Michelle to read aloud - hey! How did he know I would be here? - that Carlos is actually his husband. That he is Carlos's husband. That they are officially husbands and everyone should know this.""That was really sappy, ew. It's not like I'm not happy for them! But... seriously? Some of us keep our personal lives to ourselves, you know? Oh, and also in the news: running is hereby declared illegal as they give teenagers unrealistic expectations about what you can do with your legs. It will be legalized again once all teenagers have grown up. To recap: when all teenagers are gone, running can come back. Well, I really don't care, since I've never gone out for a run once in my life.""Running is mainstream.""Exactly, running is mainstream." "What isn't mainstream at this point?""That is a great question, Maureen. Here is the answer: Nothing. Everything is mainstream. And therefore nothing is, which means everything is. But some mainstream things are kind of worth enjoying. I mean, take Ariana Grande's new album, Pray For the Wicked. High Hopes may be a chart-topper, but it is still a good song. Even if it has become so overplayed that I cringe every time I hear the opening chords. Ugh. Anyway.""Now for the community calendar. Monday is a day where something will happen, presumably. Tuesday is a day where nothing will happen, and we'll all lie around questioning the meaning of that nothing, and there will be a small bunny who hops across my yard, but he will not be cute. Wednesday there's a sale at Dark Owl Records, which is where my girlfriend works. And where she spends most nights, actually, even though I do have an apartment and it would be kind of nice to see her at night. Instead of just always in the morning. Instead of just always, 'Hey Maureen! Let's get breakfast at the Moonlite All-Nite Diner and then I have to go back to work!'""Wait, wait. I thought you liked getting breakfast?""Yeah, 'Chelle, I like it sometimes, but I'd like to see you at night too. Watch a movie or something?""Movies are mainstream.""Not if you watch them on VHS.""Good point. Are you going to read the rest of the calendar?""Oh, right. Thursday through Sunday will be really awful for everyone except the two of us. Not sure if 'the two of us' refers to me and Michelle, or if, since Cecil wrote it, it refers to him and Carlos. I'll ask him when he gets back. This has been the community calendar. Or... whatever.""And now because the rest of this news report looks boring, I'm going to play the ukelele for three minutes."[three minutes of ukelele]"Thank you. And now Maureen will deliver an editorial.""Yes, I will."[clears throat]"My girlfriend's eyes are the color of ink. Not like ink as in a fancy bottle of ink that you open and proceed to spill all over the table, with the dark liquid smudging your fingertips and caking under your nails, you know? But like the ink of a pen that you really loved, so much that now you've used it all up, and you don't know where you can buy another because it just appeared in the bottom of your bag one day and you have loved it ever since, but then just when you think the ink is all gone it starts working again and then it never stops, and now you are not worried that the pen will run out of ink but that you'll lose it, and what would you do then? That would be sad. That's my editorial.""Maureen, you are so sweet.""Stop, you're making me blush.""Aw. And now the weather."[the weather plays]"Well, we're back on air. This has been fun, huh Maureen?""Yeah, surprisingly, it has been.""Well, there's some more news but it's just 'Khoshekh the cat is so cute' written for..."[pages shuffling]"...ten pages. So I'll just say it once and then put it on a loop.""And then do you wanna go to my apartment and watch a movie?""Oh!""You don't have to say yes if you don't want to!""No, I do want to, I'm just surprised. And kind of excited. And... wow. Okay, sure. Singing in the Rain?""You know I love Singing in the Rain.""Thanks for having us, Night Vale. This is Michelle Nguyen, signing off.""And former intern Maureen signing off. So long, Night vale.""Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cast is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cast is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cast is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cast is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cast is so cute. 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Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cast is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cast is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cast is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute. Khoshekh the cat is so cute."[words continue for hours, then fade to silence]