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Ah from your skin everything comes back to my mouth,
comes back to my heart, comes back to my body,
and with you I become again
— Pablo Neruda . Jessica had memorized Luke’s heartbeat by now. The way it rushed underneath her palms when they were having sex, the way it missed one or two beats when Danielle did something new, the way it got frantic when he was angry, and how calm it was when Jess was this close to him, her head resting on his chest, his arm around her waist, as they lay on the couch. It was some time between midnight and one in the morning. Probably. She couldn’t be bothered to move and check her phone. Not when she had been up for almost 24 hours.She was all but unconscious when a lighting crossed the sky and Jess flinched on top of Luke, anticipating the thunder and all the screaming that would follow. Because Dani had recently learned that yelling her lungs out was a very efficient way to get what she wanted. Sometimes she was hungry, other times she needed a diaper change or had lost her favorite toy, but most of the time she was just being a little shit.“She’s still asleep,” said Luke, reading her mind. His lips brushing the top of her head as he spoke.Jess exhaled. “Maybe I should start believing in miracles.”“Maybe we should do something for her birthday.”The suggestion was kind of unexpected. Though now, in retrospect, Jessica figured she should have seen it coming. Should have been able to read it in his eyes when Trish and Danny commented on the subject a couple weeks ago.Jessica opened her eyes, shifting on top of Luke. She was awake now, she couldn’t help it. All traces of sleep stomped on and buried. “What?”Luke’s thumb came to her shoulder, caressing her skin comfortingly, the way he always did when her tone changed.“I’ve been thinking… she’s turning one, that’s a big deal. Maybe we should do something different to celebrate it.”Her breathing was sharp when she exhaled. “Tell me you’re not talking about the party Danny and Trish suggested.”Trish had very subtly thrown hints here and there that she wanted to organize a small birthday party for Danielle (which Jessica knew would have been anything but small, even though Jess could fit everybody she knew in her living room). Jess had shut her up with a resonating ‘No’. Danny, on the other hand, had straightforwardly offered to take them to freaking Disneyland, or some other obscenely expensive amusement park around the country, which had been the beginning of many of Jessica’s nightmares lately.He squeezed her shoulder gently between his thumb and index finger. “The amusement park didn’t sound so bad,” he teased, voice amused.She snorted. “Yeah, like we don’t hate cartoons enough as it is.”His breath brushed her hair as he chuckled. “Good point.” A pause. “Maybe we could drive upstate for the weekend.”Jess wished her lungs didn’t overreact to those words, or that her throat didn’t get instantly dry, or that her muscles didn’t get so goddamn stiff to the point of petrifying her for a solid minute.Instantly, her eyes darted down do Dani on the carpet, her little arms tucked under her face. For some ungodly reason, Dani hated sleeping in her crib, would scream and shout until they got her out, so the large white carpet in their living room was her new favorite spot to sleep on (worse than the stroller, but definitely better than the bathtub in the middle of a bath). Which was mostly cute except for the drool and occasional barf forever stuck to the carpet. Though it had been a gift from Danny so Jessica didn’t really mind.Dani was 29.2 inches and weighted about 20 pounds and Jessica could hold her with just one arm. And yet she was the best thing that had happened to Jessica since forever.Much like her father.Claiming them was already a gesture of defiance against her luck. So.“I don’t know.”“You don’t have to decide anything now,” Luke said, fingers drawing circles on her skin. “Just think about it.”As if to nudge her in the ribs, Dani smiled in her sleep. On Tuesday, when she got home at about midnight, the apartment was too quiet. Which was odd considering Dani enjoyed sitting in front of the TV until she fell asleep. Jessica could hear muffled noises coming from her bedroom, though, so she dropped the food on the kitchen table and headed to the room.Luke was on the floor with Dani between his legs, and the smile on his face made Jessica’s breath catch in her throat for a second. She had been seeing more and more of that smile every day and it didn’t get any less great.“What did I miss?” she asked, because Dani could go days without doing anything new and then learn four different things in the span of an hour. It was kind of incredible.“Mamama,” Dani mumbled when she spotted Jess by the door, two fingers in her mouth, and Luke smiled bigger. Perfect lips framing impeccably white teeth.“Oh, watch this,” he said, holding Dani up before his eyes. “Do what you just did again. Deal?”Dani squealed in response.“Okay. Tell me she can’t fly,” said Jess, because it had been a very serious concern of hers for a while.Luke didn’t reply. Simply placed Dani on the floor—as in her feet were touching the ground instead of her butt—and Jessica held her breath.“No way,” Jess said as Luke put some distance between Dani and himself. Then stretched out his arms towards her.“Come on, baby.”It was… a very odd thing to describe. The way she put one tiny foot in front of the other and stumbled forward (literally stumbled, in the weirdest I’m-about-to-fall way, her arms outstretched for balance, or so Jess imagined) and Jess couldn’t exactly process anything other than the fact that Dani was doing that on her own, and she looked… obnoxiously proud of herself as she did so.She tripped and fell into Luke’s lap, clapping when he caught her.Jessica swallowed around a lump in her throat that should not be there. Her chest was too tight, and although her eyes were dry, they were burning. “She can walk now?”“Since five minutes ago.”“Isn’t she too young for that?” Dani didn’t even crawl . Sure, she dragged her butt around to wherever she needed to go, but she had never been a good crawler. Jessica was convinced she had skipped a few steps there.“She is a super baby,” Luke teased.“Don’t say that,” she warned again like she had done the first time when Dani was nine months old and spoke her first words, which had also been a milestone, or so Trish had said.Jessica still thought that was debatable, because it was hard to differ if Dani was actually saying ‘Mamma’ and ‘Dadda’ or just making random noises.But Dani was smiling in Luke’s arms, and there was some feeling spreading under Jessica’s flesh, something very reminiscent of the very first time Luke had made her feel like things could be okay. And for a solid minute, two maybe, she dared to let herself enjoy this, saving it somewhere between her ribs, far away from her brain, but close enough to her center that she could reach inside and find it when she needed it.Some sort of safe place or whatever. If she still believed in such a thing.She could tell by the expression on Luke’s face—the quiet satisfaction, the silent admiration—that she was smiling. “All right,” she said as Dani stumbled towards her and grabbed her jeans in her tiny fists. “Let’s go eat.”She made the decision three days later, after putting Dani in her crib and joining Luke in their bed.He had developed the habit of reading before going to sleep (sometimes he would read to Dani, when she was in the right mood to listen, and Jessica would sit on the rocking chair near the crib and pretend to listen while, in reality, her focus would be on the softness of Luke's voice and the rise and fall of Dani’s chest). The same way he liked to brush his teeth at the same time as Jessica, every morning, before breakfast. The same way their sex had got calmer, more lips on lips, more hands on hands, less desperation to get rid of some feeling in her gut. Jessica tried not to think too much about it.“What is it?” Luke asked when he noticed her dragged silence, the three-inch distance between their bodies in the bed.Jess let the words march on her tongue long enough for her to get used to them. Then said, “I guess we can do that… thing. On Dani’s birthday, I mean.”Luke glanced at her, not a single trace of surprise in his eyes. It was infuriating. “Yeah?”“Mmm-hmm.”As long as it didn’t become a tradition, she could handle it. They didn’t just drive upstate, they took a goddamn train, because the place Luke had so carefully picked was miles away from New York City. Dani didn’t mind the five-hour travel in the slightest. She kept pointing out the window and making happy noises and clapping all the way, raising a few comments about how cute she was, and what a beautiful family they made from a couple of old ladies sitting by them.Luke thanked all of them, politely. Jessica mostly grimaced and swallowed several times to make the dryness in her throat go away.The town itself—Cape Cod or whatever it was called—was small, surrounded by green with a nearby beach and countryside houses scattered around. In the distance, Jess could see a few farms and a harbor. She had never been to a place like this before.“Why this place, specifically?” Jess had asked a few days ago when Luke made the suggestion, as if she could ever come up with a better destination.He had shrugged, chopping some vegetable to feed to Dani. “Pop used to take me there sometimes when I was a kid.”Luke’s father, despite being a preacher and all that, surprisingly liked Jessica. And Jess had to admit she really liked the dude’s humor. They had only met once— when Dani was six months old and he had come over and got her a blue baby blanket—and he sucked at small talk (much like Jessica), but the way he hugged Luke made Jessica’s battered chest warm.There was a joke there somewhere about Luke being drawn to his childhood vacation spot while Jessica avoided hers like the plague, but she didn’t want to think about it right now. (Or ever, preferably. She didn’t want Dani anywhere near the dark sides of her mind.)The sun rose earlier here than it did in New York City. Or at least, Jessica was already awake when the sun popped up in the too clear and blue sky, thanks to the birds screaming outside the window at ass o’clock.Luke rolled over on his side, his hand coming to caress Jessica’s bare arm. She shivered. The good kind of shiver; it untied the knots in her muscles and made her lower belly burn. “Morning,” he said, because, somehow, he could tell she was awake even though her eyes were closed and she had her back to him.Jessica grunted. “It’s early.”His breath caressed the nape of her neck and sent shivers down her spine as he laughed quietly beside her. “Any time before noon for you is early.”Jess didn’t bother to reply because her mind was busy thinking about something else.It was infuriating, really, how they had been living together for a little over a year, and yet, having Luke like this still a very distinct effect on her. Part of her was convinced that she would never really get used to any of this—to him, to the intimacy, to whatever they were trying to build together. Part of her would always be waiting for the wrong string to be pulled and all of it to come crashing down.But right now, she turned around to face him, relishing the soft smile that crept over his lips and the way he looked at her—like she had never ruined or been ruined, like it wasn’t entirely up to her to make it or break it. (Again).Imperceptibly (or maybe not, Luke didn’t do anything without thinking), his hands came to rest on her waist, pulling her closer. She answered the invitation by smashing her lips against his.This was another thing she would never get used to; the morning sex. The lazy way Luke’s lips would travel from her mouth to her neck and then her collarbone, biting the skin in her shoulder, making her body clench and twist underneath him. The way his hands would roam her skin with just the right pressure to make her forget where they were, and that they had to be quiet because Dani was sleeping next door and the last thing she wanted was to wake her up in the middle of this. And when she was finally bouncing on top of him, her muscles shuddering with anticipation, his hands on her thighs the only thing tethering her to her senses, crashing down and coming undone felt a lot like rebuilding.She stayed on top of him for three seconds too long just because she wanted to, just because she could.And then Dani screamed in the next room. (In her defense, she couldn’t exactly speak yet.)Jessica breathed into his skin, her lips brushing his chest as she said, “Someone’s up.”She felt Luke’s body shake underneath her. “I got her,” he said, laughter in his voice, and Jess kissed him on the lips one last time before letting him go.In the kitchen, after feeding Dani her breakfast (mashed fruits with some cereal for kids and milk, which looked and smelled like food that had already been digested, but Dani was really into it, and there wasn’t much her five teeth could chew anyway), Luke said,“Maybe we could stop by the beach later. What do you think?”Jessica looked out the window at the white sand and far too blue ocean that stretched infinitely in front of the rented house. Ignored the way her stomach rolled over and dropped all the way to the goddamn floor. She took a large gulp of her scalding coffee. Said, “As long as she doesn’t eat the sand.”“Nah,” Luke said, chewing a strawberry, and Jessica had no idea such a thing could distract her until now. “She’s a smart kid.”“I guess,” Jess replied, heading for the bathroom to take a shower.Dani was smart. She really, really was. Jessica didn’t know jackshit about kids apart from stuff she had read here and there and things Trish wouldn’t shut up about, but Jessica found most things Dani did kind of impressive. Although she had eaten some flour a few weeks back when Luke was making something in the kitchen, which led to some barfing and a stomach ache. But that was probably part of the ‘learning from your mistakes’ stage of growing up. And that part, Jessica thought, was never really over.They went to the beach later because why the hell not.Thankfully, Dani’s birthday was on the 19th of September, which meant the weather was cool despite the blue sky and the too yellow sun. Jessica removed her boots but kept her jeans on as they walked down the beach, Dani sinking her feet deep into the sand and kicking it everywhere as she lifted her legs.They had been walking for no longer than 40 minutes (stopping now and then so Dani could lick the ice cream Jessica was holding) when Jessica noticed it: across the beach, not nearly as far as it should be, the outline of what was undeniably a funfair.Jess only noticed she had stopped walking when Luke turned around to look at her.“Hey, you okay?”She didn’t respond because she couldn’t meet his eyes right now. Her insides had gone frigid. Then she noticed the ice cream in the sad, the crushed cone in her hands.“Shit.”“Jess?” Luke urged, voice coated in concern, and she managed to hear him over the pounding in her ears.“I’m fine,” she said, wiping her hands on her jeans. “Shit. I dropped the thing.”His voice was closer to her ears when he replied, “We can get her a new one.”It was quiet for a moment.Then.“Shat.” came out of Dani’s mouth and—god-fucking-damnit, she could almost see Trish and Malcolm in the back of her mind with their eyebrows raised and that goddamn look in their eyes that always made Jessica feel either pissed or small or both, because ‘Come on, Jess. We told you. We warned you.’ “Yeah, excellent time to learn a new word,” said Jess under her breath, heart throbbing behind her eyes. But she was relieved, glad even, that she had something else to focus on than the glowing lights of the funfair.Dani smiled and, as if to make a point, said it again.Beside her, Luke chuckled low in his throat. “It was bound to happen.”Jess shrugged. “At least it wasn’t her first word.”Dani was still chanting ‘shat, shat, shat’ and Jess really hoped she’d grow out of it before she learned the right way to pronounce it.“Okay, Kid, save the word for when you actually need it,” Jess deadpanned, because there wasn’t much else to do, really."The swear jar sounds like a good idea, now."Jessica snorted. The moment of panic passing.Luke’s hand was around hers in a second. She let the touch calm her angry nerves before she dared to meet his eyes. There was understanding in his eyes despite the fact that Jess hadn’t said anything. (With him, she rarely needed to). “Wanna go somewhere else?”Jess merely nodded.For the rest of the weekend, they went everywhere in town that was far away from the beach and the funfair.
(Phillip, age six, running around the beach with a bleeding hand from playing with some weird seaweed he shouldn’t have touched, and her father, immediately looking at her with eyes that always say more than his mouth ever could.
“What did you do?"
Jess shrugs, and she wishes she could feel offended by the question. "Nothing. He touched some black shit in the sea.”
“You said there was a shell in there!” Phillip retorts, eyes redder than his hands.
Jessica feels her guts tying into knots, but rolls her eyes all the same because it always feels like her brain and her body are disconnected. “I meant in the water, spaz.”
“Jessica!”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, calm down, Brian,” her mother chimes in, two coconuts in hand, and although Jessica isn’t very fond of the taste of coconuts she feels tempted to grab one just to have something else to focus on. “They’re kids at the beach; accidents happen.”
Her father looks at her mother. “The boy’s bleeding, Alisa.”
Alisa rolls her eyes the way Jessica imagines she looks like when she does the same. “Just a cut.” She places the coconuts on one of the portable beach mats and kneels in front of Phillip, taking his hand in hers. “Let’s clean this up and go get some ice cream, what do you think?”
Phillip nods. The crying has ceased. “Okay.” He looks at Jessica and smiles. “You coming too, Jessie?”
Jess goes. She hesitates, but she goes.)
When Dani turned two, she got sick.That was never a problem for more than one day or two, because Dani didn’t get sick like other kids did. She had, predictably, inherited Jessica’s and Luke’s enhanced healing and durability (and his unbreakable skin, which—ugh , but also great, crossed off about a million things Jessica didn’t want to have to worry about), so in the rare occasions where she did get sick, her small body would do most of the work and heal itself in a couple days.Danielle was also a little too tall and too strong for someone her age, but that was neither here nor there.Being this way was Danielle’s normal. This was the only life she knew. It had not been forced upon her. And that certainty was a source of relief more than anything.Danny stopped earlier to drop his and Colleen’s gift (Rand had designed a goddamn dragon-robot thing for Dani, which walked and made noises that were too annoying to any human ear, and Jessica would have to point out later that when Luke had warned him not to do anything ‘too Danny Rand’ this was specifically what he was talking about). Malcolm got her two pairs of baby jeans, because they made those, apparently. Trish got her a book and a blue plush dinosaur, because everyone was well aware of Dani’s recent obsession with the creatures.“T-Rex!” Dani screamed, and launched herself into Trish’s arms like her life depended on it.Trish smiled the way she always did when Dani hugged or kissed her (which wasn’t very often, since Dani wasn’t very touchy-feely. If Jess had passed anything on to her, it had been that ).“What noise does it make?” Trish prompted and Dani gave Trish her best half roar half shriek.Trish laughed so deep and hard Jess couldn’t help but smile, too.At nine o’clock, when it was just the three of them again, they reunited in the kitchen and Luke pulled out Dani’s birthday cupcake from the oven, placing it on the table in front of her. The candle was lit and it was a relief to know that even if Dani touched the flames, she wouldn’t feel a thing.She clapped instead. Said, “Candoh!”“Candle, yeah,” Jess said, then shook her head in disbelief. “Look at her. She’s sick with a fever and she’s still smiling.”Luke pressed a kiss to Jessica’s temple. “There’s a lesson there somewhere.”There was. There really, really was. And maybe one day Jess would be able to learn it. For now, she was just glad that Dani was too young to understand what a shitty birthday it had been.They let her eat the thing with her own two hands and get icing everywhere, including her hair. It was the least Jess could do.“Happy birthday, Kid.”Dani kissed Jessica’s face in response.
(It’s a quarter to midnight when the door of Jessica’s room swings open. From this angle, with the lights of the corridor casting shadows on her frame, Trish looks smaller than she does during the day, in her high heels and make up.
“What?” Jessica asks from her bed, and her tone is sharper than she intended.
Trish hesitates, shifting her weight to the other leg. “Can I come in?”
At first, Jess thinks it’s a rhetorical question, but when Trish doesn’t move, she realizes she means it. “It’s your house, isn’t it?”
Trish’s reply comes too fast. “Well, it’s your room.”
It isn’t. It will never be. But Jessica shrugs and tosses the covers aside. “What do you want?”
Trish slips in, her hands behind her back, and Jessica notices she’s barefoot. She walks over to Jessica’s bed and holds out a small cupcake with a single candle on top.
Jessica’s throat closes up. “What’s this?”
“A cupcake.” There’s humor in her voice. It’s unusual, but Jessica doesn’t hate it.
Jess rolls her eyes. “And why did you bring it here?”
Trish’s voice is almost too careful when she says, “Well, I guess it’s your birthday, isn’t it?”
Jessica wants to snap. She really, really does. Wants to say something that will send Trish away right fucking now so that Jess won’t have to deal with the growing pressure behind her eyes and the emptiness inside her that keeps spreading to the point that she’s too afraid there’s nothing left in her anymore. She wants to jump out of the window and run to that beach and disappear.
Wants to, but doesn’t. Can’t. Instead, she pushes the air out through her nose and challenges, “And?”
She doesn’t think she imagines Trish flinching. Her shoulders shrink for a fragment of a second, and then she stands straight again. “Well, happy birthday.”
The happy part sounds almost too fucking ironic, like a sadistic joke (‘Congratulations! You’re turning fifteen and your whole family is dead!’), so Jess does nothing, says nothing. The silence stretches for too long before Trish starts to lose her patience.
She sighs, and sits on the edge of Jessica’s bed, uninvited. “Listen, I get that you’re upset. I mean, we hear you every night.” She says it like it’s a secret. Like Jessica isn’t the one doing the screaming nearly every night. Like the nightmares don’t belong to her. And yet, for some ungodly reason, Jessica doesn’t get mad.
Trish continues, “But locking yourself in your room with this pouty face won’t change anything.”
Trish knows, Jessica thinks, because she never does that—the shutting people out thing. She never talks about her bruises, acts like they’re not even fucking there, but she’s not one to slam the door shut.
This, right here, is the goddamn proof.
Nonetheless, Jessica can taste the bile in her mouth. “Notes taken. Thanks,” she replies and her tone is acid again.
Trish sighs again and stands up, placing the cupcake on Jessica’s nightstand. “Anyway, might as well eat a cupcake.” She walks to the door, then whispers, “Good night.”
Jessica tosses the candle across the room. But at some time during the night, she eats the damn cake.)
When they went back to Cape Cod on Dani’s 3rd birthday, Jessica was already expecting things to go exactly like they did—which was mostly bad, but not as bad as it could have been, all things considered.They took Dani bowling (and, yup, Dani was definitely stronger than all the other kids her age, but not strong enough to break or crack anything so Jess thought good; that was something they could get away with for now), then decided to eat at a street restaurant near the beach. Which Jessica was beginning to regret because the sun was setting and—"It's my birthday!" said Dani for the fourth or maybe tenth time as the waitress came for the bill. Her dimples appearing on her round cheeks.Sometimes (and only sometimes) Dani would laugh or speak in a specific way and Jessica would allow the sound to reach deep in some hidden corner of her brain and remind her of Phillip. She usually managed to shove the memory back down after a second or two because she knew—god, she knew—the lines between her past and present should not get blurred. Ever.Which was kind of exactly why she wanted to leave this place right fucking now.The waitress smiled at Dani, wide and honest and too sympathetic. "I know. And I have a little surprise for you. Wait here."Before Jessica could begin to protest, she turned around and left, her red skirt fanning out as she moved. Jess finished her glass of soda in one go because her throat was a little dry."You hear that Mamma? She said surprise!"Jess nodded, shifting in her chair. Across from them, on the other side of the beach, lights were flickering red-blue-magenta-purple, and Jess wished she had brought her sunglasses with her.But Dani was looking just the right amount of excited to make Jessica swallow down the sourness in her mouth and smile back and say, "Yeah, I did."Dani laughed low in her throat, then put her tiny hands under her chin. "Where we going next?"Jess should also have swallowed her goddamn tongue, but instead she said, "I don't know. Where do you want to go?"Dani narrowed her eyes, scanning her surroundings pensively, and Jessica felt her stomach jolt up to her throat in the exact moment Dani proclaimed, "There!" And pointed in the direction of the funfair.Well. Shit.Perhaps the complete numbness that enveloped her was a bad sign. Definitely was—she couldn't feel the tips of her toes. But right now she was just glad she could go through this on auto-pilot.Luke was steadier, so he asked, "Why there, baby?"Dani smiled. “Colorful lights! Many colorful lights, look!”When neither of them said anything, Dani’s face fell. Then she looked directly at Jessica and insisted, “Please, Mamma, can we go? Please?”Truthfully, she wanted to say no. There was nothing she wanted to do more than to get up and head to the nearest train station and take the first train back to New York and vanish from this place. But the waitress was coming back with Dani's surprise, and Dani was staring at her expectantly, and she just... she couldn't be an asshole right now. Not to this kid. Not ever. So she said, “Okay.”Luke reached out and touched her hand so she wouldn't float out of her body. "You sure?”“No.” Jess swallowed, watching Dani jump up and down with a face that looked too much like Luke’s and eyes that were always too happy to begin to break right now. “But it’s her goddamn birthday and I can’t let it be as bad as last year’s.”Luke nodded as the waitress stopped by their table, her red lips molding a broad smile. "Here it is!"She produced a cupcake from God knows where and gave it to Dani.Danielle smiled, her tiny dimples becoming apparent. “Thank you!” she said, holding the cupcake with utmost carefulness.“No problem,” said the woman, a smile that was too frank on her triangle face. “Have fun, Kiddo.”Jessica supposed she should say thank you or something, but she didn't trust herself to say anything right now, so she let the gratitude for Luke and heaved herself out of the chair. “Let’s go before I change my mind."Well, Jessica concluded as they walked through the gate of the funfair area, she regretted not changing her mind. The place was too crowded, too many people walking around, too much noise, too much everything , and she was trying really hard not to look at the goddamn Ferris Wheel, trying really hard not to think about anything other than Dani, and the fact that she was running ahead of them, running a little too fast and—Dani tripped, falling on all fours on the ground, knees and hands pushing into the tiny rocks covering the path, and to Jessica’s horror, before they could get to her, a mother with her son was approaching Dani with a look on her face that was the last thing Jessica needed.“Oh, shit.”Luke put a hand on her shoulder. “We got this.”“Oh, no, sweetheart! Here, give me your hand.” said the woman, a mole on her upper lip and too much makeup everywhere on her face.Dani was already pushing herself up, an annoyed look on her face. She kicked the rocks with her foot. “Stupid rocks.”The woman blinked, taken aback for a split second, and before she could say anything dumb, Jessica intervened, “Hey, Kid, you okay?”Dani nodded. “Yeah.”The woman looked them up and down, eyes hovering over Luke for a second too long, her cheeks turning a bright red, like a clown’s hair. “Are you the parents?”Jess opened her mouth to respond, but Luke beat her to it. “Yes, we are,” he said. “I’m Luke, and this is my wife, Jessica.”Wife. Because they were married. Had been for almost four years now. Luke was her husband. And that was one of those things that were just too easy to shut out of her brain and only remember in certain moments—casually, out in the open, when talking to strangers, while fighting assholes together, never when their bodies were bare and their feelings raw and her heart was in her throat and all of her fears pressed under her tongue.It’s not like she knew how to make things last.Miss Doll Face seemed to ignore that information quite well. She smiled again, eyes still on Luke, like she was speaking to him only, and Jess could hear the judgment in her voice even before she opened her mouth. “You let go of their hands for one minute and they get into trouble, right?”She actually, literally, giggled and Jessica clicked her tongue.“Well, I always carry band-aids in my purse. Do you need one?”“What’s a ban… banaid ?” asked Dani, head tilting to one side.“She’s fine, thanks,” Jessica said, voice maybe a little too cutting. “Come here, Kid.”Dani hopped towards them and Miss Doll Face looked half surprised and half scared, because there was not a single scratch on Dani’s hands and it didn’t take a genius to put two and two together. Especially since people with abilities running around New York and performing acts of heroism was becoming more and more of a routine every year.She was still staring at Luke (too intently, Jess noted, maybe searching for something else now, something… well, not normal) as she asked, “Are you… are you sure she’s fine? She fell on the rocks.”Luke took one step forward, gently putting one hand on the woman’s shoulder. Jess could fucking see the moment the woman stopped breathing. “We appreciate your concern, but she’s fine. Really.” Luke smiled and the woman almost physically melted. Jessica didn’t blame her. “You have a beautiful son.”It took her a moment to respond. “Oh,” she smiled and— Christ . She was biting her bottom lip now. “Thank you.” A pause. “I gotta go.”“Yeah,” Jessica said in spite of herself, and Luke looked at her. A self-satisfied smile on his lips that should definitely get on Jessica’s nerves but never did.“What?” he asked with feigned innocence.Jess clicked her tongue again. “She was almost taking her pants off.”Luke chuckled, and the smirk grew bigger. “Still got it.”Jess slapped his chest just for the sake of it, but snorted anyway.Dani tugged at the hem of her coat. “Mamma, look at that big circle.”The first thing in her mind was ‘Christ, not another alien invasion’ because last time a big circle had appeared in the sky, half of the population had been decimated and then brought back to life, because why the hell not. Then, ‘Not the goddamn Ferris Wheel’. And between the two she wasn’t sure which one would be the hardest to face.
(—Maybe I don’t have to be special. Maybe I just made you.)
“Can we go up there?”“Sweet Christmas,” Luke muttered behind her, and she managed to hear him over the buzzing in her ears and the sudden wave of nausea.“No! No way.” The reply came too fast, and maybe a little too sternly, and she regretted it the moment the words left her mouth.Dani shut up instantly. The only good thing about this whole fucked up shit was that Dani wasn’t loud. Had stopped with the crying and the screaming after she learned how to use words. Whenever she got sad all she would do was look away and purse her lips and stay uncharacteristically quiet for far too long, as if retracting into herself to avoid getting hurt again.The feeling was familiar.“Why not?” Dani’s voice was small, and Jessica wanted to dig a hole into the ground and hide there for a day or perhaps a year. (She didn’t know how to make things last ).“Because you’re not big enough yet,” Luke lied, and it was the first time he had lied to her about anything.Dani looked from Luke to Jessica, then down at the ground, and she shrugged. She adapted to shitty situations way too fast. Resilience. That was another thing she had got from Jessica.“Okay. Maybe next year, when I’m bigger.” Or maybe never , Jess thought. After this, never seemed like a much better option.“How about,” Luke started, voice soft, “we ride the bumper cars instead?”The smile was back on Dani’s face. “What’s that?”Luke took her hand. “I’ll show you.”Jessica stayed behind until she couldn’t see them in the crowd anymore. Until the plain hollow in her chest began to ache for a different reason than the place they were at and the memories it brought up. (Come on, Jones, are you just waiting for things to be torn apart?). Then she met them by the bumper cars and smiled every time Dani laughed, her soft giggles drowning out all the other noises in Jessica’s head.When they returned to their apartment in New York City, Jessica spent the next few weeks trying to get rid of the burn under her flesh and the dull ache somewhere in her middle that was never really gone.
(The sun is going down and they’ve been standing here for what feels like hours and Jessica bounces her foot against the ground and sighs for the billionth time when the guy with the hand on the lever finally makes the machine stop.
Phillip hops towards them with his cap in his hand and a smile on his face that is so big and so open it kind of makes Jessica wonder why her muscles can’t do the same thing. “Did you see me?” he all but yells, cheeks somehow framing a bigger smile. “Did you see how fast it goes?”
Jess rolls her eyes, because her feet are aching inside her old converse, but also because Phillip is eight and he’s loud and she’s tired. “That’s not a real roller coaster,” she states, because it isn’t. It’s small and only has one loop and three bumps.
“Yes, it is!”
“No, it’s not. I’m taller than this thing.” She is much taller than Phillip, too. His head can barely reach her ribs, and she wonders if that’s why she always wants to protect him from everything.
Phillip stomps his feet on the ground and their father purses his lip in a way that says ‘here we go again’. “Shut up. There’s a loop and it goes really high!”
“It doesn’t,” Jess retorts just for the sake of it. Then points at the Ferris Wheel with her chin. “That’s high.”
“Speaking of which,” her mother says, her smile too similar to the one on her brother’s face, despite the wrinkles in the corners of her eyes. “Time for my ride.” She lays a hand on Phillip’s shoulder. “Wanna come this time, Phill?”
He looks at the Ferris Wheel, eyes widening in a way that is almost too comical. “No.”
Jessica scoffs, crossing her arms. “What’s the problem, spaz. Afraid of a little height?” she quips, but she’s glad he said no. The gondola is too small for more than two people, anyway.
He frowns, and for the first time he looks pissed. Jessica’s stomach jolts up to her throat because his face looks better with a smile on it. It suits him better than the frown. “No! It’s just a stupid ride. That’s why you like it, Jessie.”
Jessica laughs. She can’t help it. He’s too fucking small to look so pissed, and he sounds like a chipmunk. When she looks at him again, he’s laughing, too.
“All right, all right,” says Brian, placing the cap back on Phillip’s head. “Let’s ride the bumper cars, then.”
Behind her, her mother asks, “You coming, honey?”
Jess looks at her mother for a moment. Her green eyes, the soft wrinkles around her mouth. “Yeah.”
Jessica likes the Ferris Wheel because it’s simple. It goes up and down in a circle and it takes you far away from everything that makes life complicated—the people down there, tiny and distant; their voices inaudible. For eight solid minutes that’s all she has to think about.
When they’re up high, the wind on their faces, her mother’s hand around hers, she has a feeling she’s smiling just as big as Phillip.)
When Danielle turned four, they decided to stay in the city.Well, Jessica decided to stay in the city because going up to Cape Cod was sounding less and less like a good idea every damn year. Trish had stared at her with a face that shamelessly showed how discontent she was with Jessica’s decision, and the look in her eyes had been so fucking telling Jess could perfectly hear the unspoken ‘Seriously, Jess? It’s a once in a year thing and you can’t even do that ?’. Which, she didn’t word it like that , but what she did say meant the exact same thing.(It went more or less like this:“That’s the only time of the year you get to spend some quality time with them.”Jess had frowned, eyes on the screen of her laptop. “That’s not true. We live in the same apartment.”Trish dropped her arms to her sides, her hands slapping her legs. “Yes, you do that every day of the year. You know, traveling together has been proven to tighten the ties between family members.”Jess snorted. “Yeah. Of course it does.” When it didn’t kill them both literally and figuratively.Trish bit her bottom lip. “Dani really likes traveling up there.”Jessica knew what Trish was trying to say. She really did. And because she knew it, she couldn’t go up there again. Not this year. Not after last year’s shitshow and all the sleepless nights that had followed.Not for the first time, her eyes fell on the spot on her desk where, until a couple of years ago, a bottle of whiskey would have sat. Some days she missed it more than others. But she wanted to be able to remember every little thing Dani did, and she needed a sober mind for that. Well, as sober as a mind which had been masticated, swallowed and regurgitated one too many times could ever get.“She says she wants to go see the sharks,” Jess commented, pressing the spacebar on her keyboard frantically, which didn’t do a fucking thing but at least gave her something to do. “Quit worrying.”)Trish stopped but Jessica didn’t. Not even when they were walking around the local Aquarium with a very talkative Dani (the more words she learned, the more she liked to use them, and that wasn’t exactly a surprise considering how much she used to move around in Jessica's stomach after that very first kick). Granted, visiting this place was far less stressing than facing the glowing lights of the funfair for the third year. Being here felt like a punch to the mouth, rather being gutted in the open, so she figured this was better.“Mamma, look!” said Dani, pointing at the gigantic shark behind the glass. There was a plaque on the side describing what kind of shark that was, where it had come from, weight, etc. Luke read it. Jessica didn’t. “Look at those teef!”Jessica nodded once and shrugged. “It’s far less scary than the ones I’ve met.”Luke laughed, one hand resting casually on her waist. Dani just looked Jessica dead in the eye in a way that reminded her of Malcolm when she arrived at the office late or bleeding or both. Jessica shifted her weight to her other leg.Dani turned to Luke. “I want popcorn.”Luke handed her some money, and she strode off to get it herself, because she had kind of reached that age where she wanted to do everything without an adult’s help. (Or at least that’s what Trish had told her. Jessica just accepted whatever phase Dani was going through at the present moment because they passed far too quickly and were way better to deal with than the months Dani had lived in her womb).“She’s having fun,” Luke said offhandedly, but Jessica knew better than to believe it was an innocent comment. They were way past pretending they didn’t know each other better than they knew themselves.Jessica watched as Dani stood in line, hands behind her back like she had learned at school, patiently waiting for her turn to buy her snack. Jess’s guts rolled over in her lower belly. “She’s pissed off, actually.”Luke frowned. “She’s too young to be pissed.”“Yeah, well, all that crying in the first few months weren’t from joy.”Luke chuckled, but his hands landed on her arms, light and reassuring. “She ain’t mad. She’s been smiling all day.”“She smiles all the time.”“Because she’s a happy kid.”She held onto his words for dear life because if there was one thing she didn’t want all the dark shit inside her to ever touch, it was this kid.And yet. “She spent half a year talking about the goddamn funfair only to find out we weren’t going. She has every right to be pissed.”Dani was smiling at the guy behind the popcorn stand. He gave her a medium popcorn although she had paid for small. Jessica knew he knew Luke from somewhere (not that it was hard these days, what with Power Man and Iron Fist making it to the front page every other week) because he had taken many pictures of Luke when they walked in, probably to Snapchat or Instagram it. Ass-kissing dumbass .Luke’s grip around her arm tightened a little. “Hey, hold on a second. She can’t understand why we didn’t go back there, but she knows we want her to have a good time. Not just on her birthday, but every day. She knows that and so do I and nobody’s mad at you besides yourself. Ya get that? We love you, and that ain’t gonna change.”Jesus. God. Fuck . They had been married for five years now, and he still managed to render her speechless.He didn’t say those words a lot. Much like Jessica, he knew the weight they carried. They had both lost too much to go around throwing that phrase around like it didn’t matter. They both knew the price they had had to pay to get to say and hear them again. Let the universe know it gave you something to love, and it’ll find a way to take that away from you.So he held onto those words like she held onto him—nails sinking into skin, teeth raw against throat, only breathing out when their bodies became one. And she didn’t have to voice it now, because her lips were pressed against his, and her arm was around his neck, her fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt, and that was the best answer she could ever give him.“Eew,” came a low voice and Jess didn’t have to look to know it was Dani—a full freaking person she and Luke had made , and that was another thing that still messed her up more often than she cared to admit.Luke smiled against Jessica’s lips and frankly? That was one of the best feelings she had ever experienced. (She didn’t think too much about it, in order not to jinx it).“Did you get ya popcorn?” Luke asked, albeit knowing the answer. Dani could barely hold the goddamn thing in her tiny arm.“Yes! Want some?”“Sounds good.”To Jessica, she said, “Here, Mamma.” She stretched out her hand, palm up. A tiny chocolate bar sat there, the wrapping crumbled and sweaty.Jessica smiled, nodding at the thing. “Candy. That’s cool.”Dani rolled her eyes so hard Jess was starting to think she had been spending too much time around Trish. “It’s for you, dummy.”Jessica’s heart did a stupid thing. “Why?”Dani shrugged. “You making this funny face all day. Like this.” And then she proceeded to frown really hard and pout at the same time, with her arms crossed in a way that made her look like she was either constipated or about to barf.A carefree laughter escaped Luke’s lips and he let it out freely, open mouth and all, his hand squeezing Jessica’s with enough pressure to let her know he was there, they were there—the three of them. The family they had built from the shambles.There was a pressure growing in Jessica’s chest, compressing her lungs against her ribs, so she let it out, too. A raspy laugh clawing up her throat.“She nailed it,” Luke said, and she sank her nails into his hand for good measure.“Shut up.”Dani giggled, and she was probably the only person on the planet who could make a giggle sound cute.Jessica grabbed the chocolate from her hand and ate it. She kept the wrapping in the pocket of her leather jacket for three months before she remembered to throw it out. They traveled back to Cape Cod the next year because fuck it. Jessica didn’t even try to keep Dani away from the funfair this time around because, honestly, it was useless. No matter where you were in town, you could see the lights glowing in the distance and hear the faint noise of the music, and trying to keep a five-year-old from lights and music was about as stupid as trying to keep Jess away from bars and booze, back when self-destruction was an everyday activity.Jess thought she was probably bordering the lines between karma and punishment when she walked through the gates to the funfair once again, her skin a bit too hot under her jacket despite the fact that it was cold.They were about 30 steps in when Dani turned towards the Ferris Wheel, a smile almost as big as a gondola spreading across her face. (And shit—she looked too much like Luke when she smiled; tiny dimples on her cheeks and a twinkle in her eyes. It was infuriating, it was unfair.)“Wow! Look at the big circle!” exclaimed Dani, both of her hands held up, as if trying to touch the thing. “It’s as pretty and big as I remember!”Jess swallowed, nodding briskly. This time, she had come prepared for all this. “Yeah, but you’re not,” she said, and Dani turned to face her, a tiny crease between her eyebrows. (Her eyebrows, too, looked too much like Luke’s. In fact, she looked more and more like Luke every day, and Jess was starting to think that maybe she had been xeroxed instead of just birthed). “Big enough, I mean.”Dani’s mouth curled into the shape of a comma. “Not yet?”“No, not yet.”She sighed, one hand on her hip. “Will I ever be?”Dani was a bit… too smart for her own sake sometimes. It would help her a lot when she was older, Jess thought. If it didn’t drive her mad out of her goddamn mind, that is. “One day, probably, you will.”Dani shrugged, glancing one last time at the machine, then down at her sneakers.Jessica drummed her fingers against her leg. Said, “You can ride all the other stuff here.”The smile was immediately back on her face because of freaking course it was. “Anything?”“Anything else, yeah.”“Cool! Thanks, Mamma.” To Luke, she asked, “Dadda, can we go on the bumper cars first?”“Sure thing.” He picked Dani up with one arm (always with just one arm) and then turned to Jess. “You coming watch us?”Jess jerked her head towards the general area of the funfair, hands going into her pockets. “Yeah, in a minute. I just have to do something first.”“Okay. We’ll wait for you there.”She watched them walk away for a moment before turning on her heels and starting her search for… nothing specific. Jess just wanted to find something, anything, that could drive Dani’s attention away from the damn Big Circle. Anything that could cheer her up a little after being let down so many goddamn times.Jessica wasn’t exactly a skilled person. Was pretty fucking average at almost everything and just plainly hated most games to even consider trying them. Rifle shooting was definitely not her thing, so she barely glanced at it as she walked past a group of people shooting animatedly at the paper ducks that kept popping up. Aiming the rings at the bottles was another thing she wasn’t particularly good at, so she ignored that, too. Fishing plastic fish… definitely not. And then she saw the hammer toy thing.A strength test. That she could do.Except a man (tall, far too white to be local, and too angry-looking to want a giant stuffed animal as a prize) had just broken the record and was now receiving the prize that was supposed to be Jessica’s, so she shouted from a few feet away,“Wait! Hold on!” As she approached them, “I wanna try that.”The man holding Jessica’s prize laughed, loud and obnoxious. “You?”Jess gave him her best steely-eyed smile. “That’s what I said.” To the man running the machine, she said, “Give me a ticket or whatever makes this thing work.”The guy (Gerard said his name tag) blinked once, and then glanced at the other man. “Uh...”“Whatever. I’m not sticking around anyway.” He made to leave, but Jessica grabbed his sleeve.“You’re not leaving with that horse.”“Uh, it’s a unicorn, Miss,” said Gerard, shyly from behind her. “I’m afraid you’re gonna have to wait a bit, Sir.”The other man was turning a little red as he yanked his sleeve away from Jessica’s grasp, huffing. “No way! I just won this. It’s mine!”“Dude, I just let my kid down for the fifth year in a row, don’t test my patience.” To Gerard, she said, “Turn this goddamn thing on.” And shoved the money in his open palm.He nodded, pushing a red button, and then the lights on the machine went on and a loud, horrifyingly annoying noise started to come out of it, like a harpy had been trapped inside and was screaming to death.“Jesus,” Jessica said, then grabbed the hammer, which was a lot lighter than she had anticipated, and positioned herself in front of the toy. “Okay,” she said under her breath. “Don’t break the damn thing.”Jess miscalculated how much force she would need to break his record and still make it look believable for a normal person. So, naturally, when the tiny ball went up, it went all the way to the goddamn top , and stayed there for three second goo long before dropping down again.Well. Shit.Gerard went through seven or ten emotions in the span of ten seconds. The last one being admiration, Jess supposed, as he smiled and clapped once, as if high fiving himself. Red Faced Man was staring at her, mouth agape, lips a little pale.“You’re—fuck—you’re from New York, aren’t you?”It was, surprisingly, the best way anyone had ever referred to her abilities. Still. “Just give me my goddamn unicorn.”He did. Quickly. Without saying another word. And Jess mentally patted herself on the shoulder for that one.Luke and Dani were waiting for her near the bumper cars, Dani eating a candy apple and Luke eating a hot dog (and holding another one for Jessica, because he was just that considerate, and she was beyond sure she had never in her life done anything to deserve this man or the child he had given her, but her hands were getting tired of playing this tug-of-war with herself, and she was almost, almost letting go of the cord. Her grasp getting weaker and weaker each day.)Dani’s eyes grew three times their natural size when she saw the stuffed animal in Jessica’s arm. She stopped chewing just to ask, “Wow, Ma. What’s that?”The smile on Luke’s face pretty much said he was taking a mental picture of this moment to cherish later. Jessica knew because she was kind of doing the same thing.“It’s for you,” Jess replied, and bent down to meet Dani’s height. “Happy birthday.”Danielle handed Luke her apple, and then ran towards Jess faster than Jessica had ever seen her run. She held her stuffed animal with both hands, eyes glowing with excitement, and it was just too simple, too easy to make her look like this. And every time she did, Jessica felt the loose, ragged pieces of herself shifting, relocating themselves until everything was fitting a bit better, until her sharp edges didn’t cut her as much anymore.“She’s so pretty!” Dani exclaimed, smile growing even bigger. She threw her tiny arms around Jessica’s neck, squeezing tightly, and Jess was convinced that super strength was a thing for Dani, too. “Thank you so much, Ma. I love you!”For a split second, Jessica just breathed, eyes closed. Then the spaces between her ribs grew wider and wider and she wrapped her arms around Dani to keep herself anchored to the floor. Part of her wanted to freeze time right here. But there was a lot she still wanted to see this kid do. So she let go. Her lips curling at the corners.“Imma call her Walker,” said Dani as Jess tried to swallow around the lump in her throat.“Why?” asked Luke. He had moved closer to them, his hand on Jessica’s shoulder, and she should probably stand up now, but her legs were failing her.“‘Cause she’s yellow with blue eyes. Jus’ like Aunt Trish!”Luke laughed. “I suppose that’s right.”Jessica really wanted to make a joke, because Trish was gonna love that for sure, but instead she took Dani’s small hand in hers and said, “Hey, Kid.” Dani returned her attention to her, entirely and completely. Jess breathed deeply. “I do too, you know... love you.”(The words burned.Let the universe know it gave you something to love, and it’ll find a way to... Yeah, screw you.) Dani grinned, open and honest. “I know. You love me, and Dadda, and Uncle Malcolm, and Aunt Trish the most. More than anything in the world!”Another thing bout Dani: she always knew more than she let on. And she had an eye for reading people. So maybe Jessica had passed on some skills she could use in the future. Things she could remold and make a better use of than Jessica ever had. And hopefully, she would grow up with this ability to smile, and make the best of every shitty situation. Maybe she had been born knowing how to let herself be happy. That’s all Jessica hoped for.“Yeah, I do,” she admitted, Dani’s hand was warm in her own. “I’m sorry you can’t ride the Ferris Wheel.”Dani rolled her eyes, and Jessica could see traces of herself flashing across Dani’s face when she did it. “You kidding? You gave me a unicorn!”Maybe one day Jessica would learn how to let herself be happy, too.
(Jessica is sitting on her bed with her headphones on, Nirvana playing a bit too loud in her skull, just the way she likes it. Just enough to drown out… everything else.
She’s halfway through a crossword puzzle when her door swings open and Alisa appears into her room. She’s wearing some old sweater Phillip and her father had got her for Christmas four or five years ago. It's green with tiny holes in the hem but somehow she still looks nice in it.
“Are you ever gonna leave this room?” her mother asks. It's fond, the way she asks it. More teasing than anything. But Jess still feels something stirring behind her belly button. Because what's behind her mother's words is ‘Oh, Jessie. Will you ever come out of your shell?’
She doesn't know the answer because she doesn't think she knows how.
“Mom, can you knock?” Jess doesn't snap. Not really. Can't bring herself to when her mother is smiling like that. But her voice still comes out harder than she intended.
“I did. You never hear anything with those headphones on.”
Jess lifts her chin despite the fact that she’s suddenly feeling a little small. “What is it?”
It takes Alisa a minute to reply. “We’re gonna watch a movie. Why don’t you join us?”
Jessica feels the sudden need to flinch, but doesn’t. “I’m good.”
Alisa lingers. Hand on the doorknob, one foot in the room, the other one out. The smile on her face begins to fade and Jessica kind of wants to squirm out of her skin.
“What?” Jess urges, pencil held a little too tight between her fingers.
Her mother walks in, then. Slowly, like she’s unsure she’s welcome (she is , always; but the words don’t quite make it past Jessica’s gritted teeth) and sits on the end of the bed, near Jessica.
For a solid minute she says nothing, just looks at Jess. Then, “I could say a million things to you right now. But you would just call me annoying and say ‘whatever, whatever’.”
Jessica frowns. The pencil in her hand is clammy. “I don’t speak like that.”
“You do.”
“Whatever.”
Alisa laughs. It’s a low, tender sound that Jessica is sure she’ll remember even when she’s old and toothless and too weak to remember why she keeps so much to herself and why nothing she feels or does ever seems to make sense.
Alisa reaches out to touch Jessica’s free hand, the one that has been resting limply in her lap, the same way her tongue is lying uselessly in her mouth. The touch is soft, and Jessica almost wants to lay her head on Alisa’s lap like she used to do when she was three or maybe four and wasn’t afraid of anything.
“But, you know,” Alisa starts, “one day you’ll have a family of your own—”
“No, I won’t.” The reply comes too quickly. Like a defense, instead of an answer. Shooting arrows all around to hit an enemy she can’t see, but knows is there.
She had taped Phillip to a tree earlier today. Because he was being a little shit and changing the channel while she tried to watch something on the TV. He cried and then screamed until Alisa helped him out. Her mother did not tell her off or anything, did not tell her to go to her room, but she did anyway. There are certain things she can’t fix and others she can’t stop and a lot she can’t control and being a wreck ball is apparently one of them.
Alisa doesn’t waver, and her other hand tucks Jessica’s hair behind her ear. “Maybe you won’t, if you so wish. But if you do, you’ll finally understand that people are born into this world and people are taken from it. And in between, you want to make the most of it. Whatever life is, just go and live it.”
For once, Jessica feels like she actually might cry, so she jerks her chin and works her jaw and quips, “And you say Nirvana is depressing?”
Alissa laughs again, and leans forward to kiss the top of her head. And Jess wants to say she loves her, but instead she closes her eyes and swallows back tears. Then Alisa pulls away and stands up, and Jessica is almost sure her eyes are a bit watery, too.
When her mother reaches the door, she says, “We’re downstairs, if you decide to join us.”
She finishes her crossword puzzle, closes the book, and heads downstairs. She sits on the floor instead of the couch where everyone else is seated, but she laughs at all the dumb jokes they make in the movie.
When she goes to bed that night, prepared to go on vacation with them the next day, she dares to think that one day she might be able to find her way out of that shell.
Even is she needs a little push).
When Danielle turned six years old, three things happened.Trish finally got to be the anchor of this super fancy cable news that she had always wanted to be a part of — ZCN or something like that. Which finally put her nerves at ease (seriously, what else could she even want ) because a few days later—after being in a relationship with this journalist-turned-lawyer for about three years—Trish got engaged. He was generally a nice dude. Jess had found some things here and there in his past but nothing that made Jessica’s skin crawl, which was more than she could say about most of Trish’s boyfriends. Plus he had an actual sense of humor, so kudos to him for not being a complete asshole.Malcolm got back together with his old partner from university, or whatever they had been in the past. (She didn’t ask for the specifics, because it was none of her business, and he didn’t feel too comfortable talking about that time of his life. And if there was one thing Jess could understand very well was the need to fling parts of your life into the fucking sun and watch it burn). She was too nice . Obnoxiously polite in a way that made Jessica want to find the nearest mud hole and stay there along with all the filthy creatures she was more used to. But they looked good together in a disgusting highly-moral way, and Jess was glad Malcolm wouldn’t have much free time to go around sniffing her shit.And Jessica made a decision.She didn’t really think about that decision all that much (she hadn’t thought about that at all , not for a long time). But when Dani walked into the funfair with her pigtails bouncing on top of her head and resolutely avoided looking at the Ferris Wheel, Jess knew this decision would give her one last thing to regret later.“Mamma, can I try the roll-rollcoaster this year?” she asked, turning around on her heels.“Sure.”“Amazing!” And she hopped up and down.Luke’s hand was holding Jessica’s. Lightly. She focused all of her attention on the warmth emanating from his skin and then said, “Hey, Dani, how about we, uh... go on the big circle this time?”Dani stopped, mouth open, hands linking together before her stomach. “Really?”“Yeah.”She didn’t jump this time. She just covered her mouth with both hands and ran towards Jessica, throwing her arms around her legs. “Yes, yes, yes!”“Wanna buy the tickets?” Jess asked, already handing her the money because she knew the answer.“Double yes!” she laughed and then took the money, joining the growing line at the Ferris Wheel.Luke’s hand slid up to her wrist. “Hey,” he said, and his voice was softer than usual. “You sure ‘bout that?”Jessica glanced over at Dani in line, moving from one side to the other like she needed to pee, unable to contain her excitement. “I don’t know,” she admitted, tongue heavy in her mouth, throat dry, stomach acting up. She didn’t want to think too much about it.But there were words marching on her brain that she needed to get out. Jess breathed in. Then out. Then let it out all at once before she choked on the words.“But in a few years she won’t give a shit about the Ferris Wheel, or this place. I mean, how many phases has she been through? Dinosaurs, dragons, that stupid cartoon that aired every morning and just kept repeating the same goddamn words over and over.”Luke rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Glad that phase is over.”“Yeah, same.” She let the feeling of his thumb drawing circles into her wrist loose her tongue a bit more. “And all this time she’s wanted to ride that thing. And, I don’t know, maybe she’ll hate it, but I can’t… take that away from her. It isn’t fair.”Jess looked at the Ferris Wheel then, the lights glowing blue, purple, green, red. It didn’t make her want to vomit or run away or jump off the nearest bridge. It didn’t make her feel anything. Which was good, because it wasn’t supposed to.Here’s the thing Jessica had been too afraid to admit: she was happy. She really, really was. Had been for a very long time. Not every day and definitely not all the time, but every day she had a moment of happiness. This life, despite all the times she had failed, and all the times she had tripped over and broken her goddamn teeth and sometimes all of her goddamn bones, made her happy—a little bit more every day. And she was ready, she thought, to let go of the cord.Luke’s hands were on her waist now, bringing her attention back to him. And the smile on his face was something else. “Jessica Jones, you are a brave, strong, amazing woman. And I am very proud of the person you’ve become.”One day, Jessica thought, she would get used to this, too. But that day was definitely not today so, granted, when she exhaled, it was sharp. Her pulse racing just a little too frantic and her nerves trembling just a bit too hard, but she could feel her lips stretching, her eyes getting slightly damp.Luke noticed it because he noticed everything. “Was it too much?”Jess pushed air out through her nose. “Hmm.”“You don’t know what to say.” It wasn’t a question. The smile on his lips was fond, though.She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth. She loved that goddamn self-satisfied smile of his. She really did. She loved everything about Luke, and no amount of thank yous would be enough to cover that, but saying it could be a start. “Thank you,” she said, voice charged with emotion, her ribs breaking open. “For, you know, freaking everything.”Luke chuckled, and then one hand was cupping her face and pulling her closer, until their lips were touching. And God—she was glad, oh, so fucking glad, she would have this for the rest of her life.“Uh, guys,” said Dani. “The line’s getting bigger.”Luke pressed his lips to her temple before letting go of her.Jess turned to Dani, one hand stretched out. “Come on, Kid.” She took Dani’s hand and they got onto the gondola.When they were high up there, the wind blowing on their faces, they were both smiling. It became a tradition.
Take that, universe.