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jeti, through the years - part four
jessica and tiffany fall together like meant-to-be, like no-other, like there-was-never-any-doubt. from day one, from the very second they met, tiffany in jessica’s arms, the way it was always supposed to be. (meant to be.)they love, no words needed. they live, no words needed. they laugh, no words needed. jessica is there, waiting, when tiffany comes stumbling home from long, long schedules. when tiffany all but collapses onto her sheets, groaning, eyes already half-closed after ditching her bag and phone and purse and whatever else she’d been holding in her hands onto the wooden panels of their bedroom floor. jessica shakes her head, smiling ever so gently as she gets up from the desk where she’d been researching fabrics and sketching designs, flipping her sketchbook closed and setting aside her favourite pencils. she grabs tiffany’s favourite thermos (a light pink, hello kitty one that the other girl has had for years, since their trainee days hued by desperation and a willingness to do whatever it takes), already pre-filled with a soothing herbal tea that she knows the brunette needs to relax.she nudges tiffany halfway into a sitting-up position, back leaning against a pillow propped by the wall. jessica presses the thermos into tiffany’s hands, snorting in amusement as tiffany misses the straw on her first attempt. jessica’s already grabbing their make-up wipes from the vanity as tiffany pouts, dark hair pooling around her shoulders in a half-tangled mess of waves. times like these, she’s all too glad to be able to take care of her exhausted girlfriend; with every gentle touch, with every caress, with every soft exhale: i love you. i love you. i love you. jessica may not be the most adept at expressing herself verbally, poetically, weaving words together like dotting stars in the night sky, but this? this she can do. and she knows, instinctively, that tiffany knows, too - slender fingers curling around jessica’s wrist, an arm on her waist, interlocked elbows, fingertips splayed on her thigh, tapping out the melody to an unsung tune, echoes of a song ringing through her mind. tangled legs, two hearts beating in tandem, slow, even breaths. i know. i know. i know. sometimes, part of it is borne from the fact that their lives often don’t allow them to use words. ten seconds before a broadcast stage, live audience roaring, MCs prattling, staff rushing and running and yelling. too much noise. jessica remembers flinching the first few times the girls had even approached the broadcast stages. even then, tiffany was right by her side, arm wrapped around her waist like a solid anchor, keeping her tethered to reality. now - tiffany squeezes jessica’s hand in hers, pressing a feather-light kiss to her knuckles as she leans in to brush away the stray blonde strands caught around the mic wire taped to jessica’s cheek. their eyes meet, and jessica smiles softly, eyes twinkling, warmth curling around her heart and settling comfortably behind her ribs. like a cat, jessica thinks idly. a cat by a warm fire. the three minute countdown for hair and makeup retouches ticks down as their concert VCR plays. jessica catches tiffany’s eyes in the mirror as the other girl asks the stylist-unnie for another hair pin while she half-jogs (well, as much as she can in her ridiculously high heels. it’s a miracle her ankles haven’t turned a million times over, honestly) to her own chair. jessica darts over quickly, resting both hands on tiffany’s bare shoulders (off-the-shoulder tops suit her well, jessica thinks). unspoken words glimmer under too-white lights and cacophonous orders before she’s quickly ushered away - but not before catching sight the small smile playing across tiffany’s lips. blink-and-you-miss-it. a moment in time, a golden thread, connecting the two girls cross worlds, cross galaxies, cross infinities. i love you. a knowing glance, a playful smile. i know. other times, the lack of privacy they have to deal with often has them resort to other means, other signs, other signals. good thing jessica and tiffany have always been good at reading each other. good thing jessica and tiffany have always been that: jessica and tiffany.
“strawberry and banana, cookies and cream.”
malaysia is hot. sweltering. humid. but the crowd is thundering, pink fan-lights bobbing, painting the dark expanse a beautiful pastel rose pink, and the thrill of it all has tiffany’s blood singing in her veins. seohyun is the first to send her greetings, still breathless from their performance of ‘the boys’; tiffany can hear short huffs and puffs through her in-ear as the other girls try to catch their breath. some of their staff run on behind them, handing out colour-coded hand-held microphones and adjusting the settings on their mic packs. tiffany kind of wants to peel the mic wire off her face, the tape now slightly gross and sticky in a bad way, but this would have the unfortunate consequence of ruining her makeup. she settles reluctantly for probing it repeatedly with a finger, biting on the inside of her cheek in concentration. she turns on the spot, eyes already seeking out a head of - of light brown hair, this time - ah, there. jessica catches her eyes, and straight-up beams at her, trying in vain to keep her side-swept bangs from plastering straight to her sweat-slicked forehead. if her heart weren’t already pounding, tiffany swears it would have sped up even more. as it is, her lips are already pulling up into a grin, happiness infectious and near-delirious.then she frowns. jessica’s pale. too pale, complexion almost washed out by the white suits they’re all wearing. she’ll get sick if she doesn’t wipe away the perspiration soon… tiffany steps forward, bending at the knees to pick up tissues and a water bottle, already pre-prepped with a straw, tidily hidden just behind a speaker. hyoyeon is speaking now, playfully bickering with yuri, and tiffany shoots them an amused glance as she steps around them to reach her girlfriend. her girlfriend , tiffany sighs inwardly, near giddy at the term. she’ll never get tired of thinking it. she hands jessica the water first, knowing how easily dehydrated the other girl gets, uncapping the bottle with a deft twist of her hand. jessica’s doe eyes, shimmery with that rose-gold eyeshadow tiffany knows she adores, don’t leave her own for even a second as tiffany reaches over, dabbing gently at the sides of her face with tissue, across her forehead, down her neck. jessica tilts her head ever so slightly in the opposite direction and tiffany swipes at her razor-sharp jawline playfully, eyes twinkling with mirth. jessica only narrows her eyes in return, end of her nose crinkling slightly as the ends of her lips pull up into a half-smile. i’m okay. tiffany re-caps the water bottle after taking a quick sip from it herself and hands over the remainder of the clean, unused tissues. i know. jessica swats her with the ‘fresh’ tissues, realizing tiffany’d handed her one she’d just used; tiffany dances away, breaking into loud, echoing laughter.
i love you. i know.
“and… she never stops smiling.”
other times, their love exists between the lines. between spoken syllables, in glances and gazes.tiffany plummets down the stage lift, nothing but a gaping, square hole where the elevated stage should have been. the lights are down, the rest of the girls have already hurried off for hair and makeup and outfit changes; tiffany, in heels and a dress and with nothing more than a choked gasp that jessica wouldn’t have even heard if the other girl hadn’t been right next to her, falls. three metres straight, down down down.the worst part is that jessica can hear her hitting the bottom. jessica almost shrieks. there’s a sickening thud, and a low groan, and jessica - when on earth she’d fallen to her knees by the edge, she doesn’t recall - stumbles to her feet on sheer autopilot, panic coursing through her veins. jessica runs.someone has to have seen her fall. someone has to have heard her, some of the staff backstage, someone . she’s sprinting off in the direction of the stage lifts, trying to remember which one it was exactly that tiffany had fallen down, when she nearly twists her ankle in her goddamn heels and swears, frustration bubbling, and kicks them off. who cares if she’s barefoot, who cares if backstage is definitely not the place to be running around barefoot, with all the dirt and grime and possible nails and screws and sharp, pointy things that could scrape and tear at the soles of her feet; tiffany is hurt. tiffany is in pain, and jessica needs to figure out where she is because the two of them had been the last to exit the stage, still waving and blowing kisses to their fans; fuck, jessica had been holding her hand and it hadn’t been enough to save her from falling. to pull her back from the ledge.jessica runs faster. the memory of tiffany’s hand slipping from her own echoes in her mind like a broken tape, too quickly, too easily.there aren’t any staff present at all when she reaches the lifts marked for stage left and jessica’s nerves are wound so tight that she nearly screams in frustration because where are the staff when you need them. then she hears the VCR playing, echoing in the weird, almost distorted way that one hears things from backstage, and groans. they were the last act before smtown’s closing song, of course all the staff are with the other sm artists, getting makeup touch-ups and outfit changes and dealing with mics and in-ears and mic-packs (because god knows that’s a nightmare, what with every single artist being on-stage) and the general hubbub of blocking and stage directions.“steph, where are you?”even with the white LED lighting at scattered intervals, it’s too dim for jessica to be able to see further than a metre in front of her. there are too many lifts to check individually, and jessica’s head almost spins from the fear pulsing, thundering in her ears. for a moment that feels like an eternity, there’s no answer. nothing but her own ragged exhales punctuating the silence. jessica squints, trying in vain the spot the dark-haired girl in the darkness. she stumbles by a couple lifts, heart sinking as each comes up empty, frantic hands scrabbling for purchase and support as she searches, heart aching with worry.“stephanie, please,” jessica calls into the darkness, desperation pulling at her heartstrings. there’s a lump of anxious nerves bundling in her throat and she has to choke it back down before it can consume her.one heartbeat. and-an answering groan.jessica spins, twisting on her feet as her heart leaps.“... jessi?” a whisper, tired and lethargic. fuck.jessica nearly trips over tangled wiring three times, and actually bangs her elbow twice on some protruding beams, but she makes it to tiffany, heart pounding wildly in her chest. she nearly cries at the sight that greets her. tiffany, crumpled in a heap, hair falling out of delicately interwoven braids, bangs messily pushed to the side. tiffany, two hands clamped around her left ankle, heels already haphazardly tossed aside, glinting mockingly red in the dim lighting. tiffany, pale and shaken and unsteady, like she’d pass out at any second. a half sob wrenches it’s way out of her throat as jessica surges forward, gathering tiffany in her arms. her hands are still shaking as tiffany melts into her embrace, warm and real and present, and the other girl’s wavering exhale ghosts her shoulder.“you idiot, you need to be more careful,” jessica whispers, heart still hammering away. there’s relief now, instead of the full panic that had been coursing through her veins, and she shuts her eyes momentarily, exhaustion seeping into her limbs. she hugs tiffany tighter, securing her, trying to reassure herself that tiffany is alive and not unhurt but she’s here, in her arms, and she will be fine.“don’t scare me like that ever again. you fell so far- if i hadn’t been there- none of the staff are here, they’re all prepping for the closing, steph, what would have happened if- i watched you fall- ”tiffany leans back slightly, just enough to be able to look jessica in the eye. she leans up, quickly, and cuts off the blonde’s panic-adrenaline-fear-fueled rambling with a press of her lips, soft and slow, which has the desired effect of quieting the other girl and stopping her spiraling, though jessica’s brows are still knit together in worry. jessica blinks, tamping down on her panic, and folds her lips together, waiting for tiffany to speak, watching her with loving exasperation.“i always have you, don’t i?” tiffany smiles weakly at her, half cheek, half exhaustion, full adoration. “i knew you’d find me.”
just like you always do, just like we’ve always done. i trust you.
jessica breathes out a sigh. she presses her lips to tiffany’s forehead, then the tip of her nose. closing her eyes again, she leans her forehead against tiffany’s.
i was so worried.
tiffany takes her hand, intertwines their fingers. she squeezes gently. once, twice, thrice. three long beats.
i’m sorry. i’m okay. i love you.
jessica opens her eyes, meeting tiffany’s full-on, taking in the swirling depths that she could fall into forever, balancing on the edge of a cliff before backflipping into the green-blue waves below. she doesn’t miss the dark circles, masked by concealer but still present, evident to her trained eye. she doesn’t miss the slow, tired blink that betrays her full exhaustion, her full pain.
i know.
“be careful,” the tired smile playing at jessica’s lips matches tiffany’s own. “can’t have you hurt and whining, can we?”tiffany mock-gasps, though for whose benefit exactly jessica can’t tell.“i don’t whine! jessi!”but there’s pain laced in her words, and the playful mood comes tumbling back down as jessica frowns in worry, catching tiffany’s wince as she accidentally shifts her foot. her bangs fall back into her face, long enough to shadow her eyes. jessica cards a gentle hand through them, tucking them back just so with a hairpin she pulls from her own hair. her hands come to a rest, cupping tiffany’s face gingerly. tiffany is gazing up at her unbreakingly, soft smile and softer eyes with love practically written across her features in capital letters. she never holds anything back when it comes to jessica, and it’s all too evident in her tender gaze.jessica blushes under its weight.“whatever you say, love. come on. let’s get back.”
i knew you’d find me. (i trust you. i love you.)
silly. of course i would. (i know.)