Work Text
“I am fifty-nine years old. I have been through hell and back while completely isolated, aside from the company of my girlfriend—”“ ‘Girlfriend’. ”“—Shut up—I have saved the entire world from an apocalypse, I am renowned for my talents as an assassin, and have been nearly murdered many, many times. Yet here I am, in all my glory, rendered motionless by a common fever. ” Five ended his tirade with a kitten sneeze.“Oh my god, that was the cutest thing I have ever heard. Besides, ya know, God herself.” Klaus giggled, looking up to the ceiling and blowing a kiss to it.“I will scrape out your bodily fluids.” Five groaned, his voice coming out stuffy as he rubbed his nose with his bare arm.“Tut, tut!” Klaus chided, stepping closer and patting Five's head. His hand was promptly slapped away. “Gasp! How dare you slap away your loving brother's gentle caress! Ben says for shame!”“I do not.”“Shut up Ben!” Klaus laughed, twirling around. Twice. Come on, he was wearing a skirt. He legally had to twirl. He stepped out though, walking to Five's closet and opening it with a flourish. His grin quickly quirked down, seeing the identical stuffy uniforms neatly hung up there.“ Eeyuck! No wonder you're sick. Sick of these fugly monstrosities!” Klaus fake-gagged, sliding them all onto the ground.“What the shit are you—” Five began to yell, but was quickly interrupted by the long throaty coughs erupting from his throat.“Fret not, dear brother o’ mine! Sit back, relax, I already know the perfect outfit. You'll love it. Just hold on a tick, I'll be back in two shakes of a New Yorker's ass!”“What the hell does that even mean?” Five asked hoarsely, but Klaus had already leaped out of the room. Five sighed, restraining himself from irritating his throat more with a loud groan and instead settling into his bed with a soft sigh.“ FUCK! ” Klaus’ muffled voice rang through the halls, followed by a loud thump. “I'M OKAY Y'ALL, JUST TOOK A DIVE IN THE FLOOR!”Five let out a quiet chuckle at Klaus’ antics, listening as his loud footsteps echoed through the house. Klaus burst through the door, dropping a bundle of clothes on top of Five.“Your wonderful brother has come through yet again with little to no injuries!” Klaus grinned, striking a pose. Five rolled his eyes, sorting through the wrinkled clothing that had clearly been stashed on the floor. Klaus had brought him a long blue skirt that was inside out and a black button-up tank top that was clearly too big for him. Five raised an eyebrow at Klaus, gesturing to the abnormal items in front of him.“Okay, I know they're way too big for you but think of it as a plus! Big clothes are so comfy, literally the perfect clothes for being sick or in withdrawal. I've done both, so I know. Plus, I remembered how you used to always get really hot all the time so I got you a breezy top! Also, to be totally fair, your body is so tiny that if I were to get clothes that fit you I would need to grab something from Vanya and she probably wouldn't appreciate me snooping. Also, her clothes are a lil’ ugly, no offense.” Klaus reasoned with a mirthful smile.Five wanted to fight about his height, but he knew it was a losing battle. And technically right. Curse his faulty math. With a heavy, definitely over-exaggerated sigh, Five stood up and began to peel off his shirt.“That's the spirit! ...No pun intended, Ben, but I wish it was.” Klaus snorted, turning around to give him his privacy. Five didn't really mind but he appreciated the sentiment.“...’kay, I'm done.” Five sniffed. Klaus turned around, his lips already parted wide and his hands on his cheeks.“Oh honeeeey! Look at you, you're adorable!” Five absolutely hated this. He loved it. The skirt flowed around him in the most freeing sense, and the breeze around his legs when he moved his hips felt like a literal breath of fresh air. The top was definitely too big, as the hem hung around his mid-thigh. But that loose feeling was a million times better than his thick, itchy blazer and the stuffy sleeves of his old uniform. Plus, his armpits were free. So, win.His skirt started to slip down and Five took a sharp breath, grabbing it quickly. “Here, let me help you with that.” Klaus smiled, stepping behind him and tying a ribbon Five hadn't even known of taut. Wow, that felt even better now that he knew his clothes wouldn't completely fall off.
Five cleared his throat, knowing that the blush filling his face wasn't just from the fever. “These are… not bad. Thank you.” Five said awkwardly. He definitely wasn't used to thanking people. Klaus’ facewelled up with joy, his eyes practically shining with happiness.“It's absolutely no problem at all, darling!” Klaus beamed, patting his head once more. Five shot him a warning look. Klaus laughed, walking out the door.“Ok old man, here’s the deal. Your body's got a bug, so what you need is a drink for your throat, lots of sleep, and probably some medicine stuff. So you handle the second item on that list while I go get you some tea or something ‘cause coffee's bad for you.”“Says the drunk.” Five murmured with a grin. Klaus laughed, “Hey, I've been clean for months! Mother knows best, Five.”“What?”“Oh my god.” Klaus gasped at Five's confusion. “You haven't seen Tangled. Okay, I'm fixing that too! Sit back and relax, Five, you're gonna have your mind blown from musical goodness and the glory of your caring and fabulous brother.”“I'm a little confused, but I'm just going to accept it.” Five smiled warmly, genuinely. It was a good look for him. Klaus hasn't seen that in a while. Klaus smiled back and made for the door.“Hey, wait—”“Hm?” Klaus whipped around, making a sound of annoyance as his neck cracked.“I just want to let you know that I absolutely do not need your help. But… it's appreciated. That being said I will murder you if you let even a single person know about this momentary period of weakness.”Sporting a Cheshire grin, Klaus let out a suspicious titter. “Of course, bud! I'd do anything for you. Toodle-oo!” Klaus danced out, waggling his fingers farewell.Five sighed, of course. What else should he have expected from his flamboyant disaster of a bother? He loved him. Not that he'd ever tell anyone, of course. The sigh turned into a cough. Goddamn this cursed fever, it was making him all kinds of fucked up. Including his sudden desire for a nap. His cough now subsided, he turned on his side. Adjusting his skirt one last time, he promptly fell asleep. The last thing he heard though, before he passed out, were Klaus’ muted screams.“Diego, please drive me to Walmart! Yeah I know you hate Walmart for absolutely no reason but I need to buy a disney movie for Five! He's never seen Tangled! Also, I need you to drop me off at a pawn shop first so I can sell this bauble I found to be able to afford Tangled and some other shit. Hey, Diego, wait! Diego, you know I didn't mean drugs! I mean, technically I did, but— put a sock in it, Ben! Diego! ” (Diego came around. Five woke to a lukewarm cup of honey lemon tea and a small cup of cough medicine on his bedside table, along with a new TV set up on his desk that displayed an animated woman hitting a guy with a frying pan. He watched the whole thing with childlike intrigue.)