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While always being empty and silent, it was the house my father kept sending letters to. There has been no news about him since he left us, almost five years ago. We knew he was still alive since he kept sending me letters to his house address. This is one of the reasons why I kept living here instead of with my grandfather. Even though I never open his letters, it was the last channel of communication I had with him.Yet, here I am leaving.My father has remarried and requested that I go live with his new wife and her daughter. The news has reached me through Grandfather. He said they didn't hold a reception. This complicated things for grandfather, who kept appearances by telling shareholders that father was coping with the divorce and that he was exploring new horizons for expanding the Aihara Academy. The harsh truth is that Father ran away. He asked me to go with him. I refused, hoping he would stay, but he went away anyway. Now that he got remarried, I have no choice but to keep up appearances as well and go live with his new wife. Grandfather was against it, but said it was the best course of action.A new student by the name of Aihara Yuzuko was admitted to transferring in the fall. My position as Student Council President doesn't allow me to access her file. I wish I could know Father's stepdaughter's face beforehand, but I will meet her soon enough. She was put in the same class as me.According to grandfather, Father's wife was a construction engineer at the Obayashi Group. Grandfather ran a background check on her. He found out that she failed one semester at the University. This made him fume. He didn't trust academic underachievers. The University she went to wasn't a prestigious one either. For him, it was a small consolation that the apartment they moved into was in the wealthy part of town and close to our school. Father probably paid for it.On the morning of the first day of the fall semester, I notice Maruta-senpai having trouble with a student. The student in question is dressed sloppily and has bleached hair. A delinquent? She seems to be asking to be overlooked.“Besides,” she says, “It's not like dressing up nicely is gonna affect my studies!”“Yes.” I intervene. “It is going to.”“Stu-Student Council President?” Maruta-senpai stuttered. Knowing Maruta-senpai, she probably wanted to let her off with a warning.“Living by the rules of the institution prepares you for society.” I spell out what should have been clear in the first place for her. “At this school, we’re all expected to abide by the same rules and standards, and that includes you !” “Haven't you gotten things mixed up?” The delinquent advances towards me and leans forward daringly. This is a diversion for hiding her phone in her back pocket. “You just said everyone was held to the same standards, but I just transferred here and I had no idea about any of this. It’s not exactly fair, is it?  Right, Miss Student Council President?” She gives me a contemptuous look. Students gather around us. They are probably curious as to how the First-year Student Council president would handle this situation. She needs to be taught a lesson. Otherwise, my authority will be undermined.I leaned forward and hugged her... I slide my hand along her spine and reach into her back pocket to grab her phone. She trembles in my embrace.“Starting tomorrow,” I say after confiscating her phone “You will be following the rules.”I think she learned her lesson. She has collapsed behind me. No mental fortitude. She made me lose precious time. Besides my duties, I had to meet Father's stepdaughter. Not to mention Amemiya-sensei always calling me after classes...xxxFather's stepdaughter is the delinquent I got acquainted with earlier. I abandoned the idea of introducing myself and getting along with her. I have to be harder on her. Whether I want it or not, she is an Aihara now and has to behave as one.As per usual Amemiya-sensei called me. These calls became an annoyance I have to deal with every day I am at school. He pinned me against the wall and started kissing me. He pulled away for a second and started kissing me again without letting me catch my breath. In that brief respite, I heard a rustle in the bush. I open my eyes and catch Father's stepdaughter watching us. I look her in the eye. She seems surprised and flustered more than anything. Is it the first time she has seen people kissing? Upon realizing I saw her, she jumped away, shrieking as if she was the one being caught. Her reaction cut this unpleasant session short.I suppose I should be grateful to her. She doesn't seem to know the rules. I doubt she would report us.After I separated from Amemiya-sensei, I went and grabbed the overnight bag I prepared beforehand. The rest of my luggage will be posted to me at my father's new apartment. It was close to our school. Perhaps he wanted me to walk to school together with his stepdaughter. A shame that any hope of getting along was destroyed this morning. She seems weak-willed. I may be able to get her to submit to me... If she tries to use the fact that she caught me with Amemiya-sensei, I will find a way to deal with her. As for my father's wife, I will just tell her he is my fiance.My idiot step sister arrived before me and left the door open. I knock and enter. She and a woman, who I assume to be my stepmother, are in the middle of a conversation. I hear her say: “You have a little sister!”Strange. Why did she wait for today to tell the idiot about me?“I'm home.” I say, announcing myself.  “Huh?! Whaaaa?! Why are YOU here?” My step sister turns to me and shouts. “Oh, are you two already acquainted?” My stepmother asked.“It’s a pleasure to meet you. I am Aihara Shou's daughter, Aihara Mei.” I bow down, and introduce myself since neither of them did. “Thank you for letting me be part of your family, Mother.” I show her my best smile. “You don't have to be so formal.” stepmother says with a smile, “We're family now.”“No! You're MY mom!” stepsister protest, but stepmother pays her no mind.Well the father you just got is MY dad, you idiot. I’m sure I’m getting the short end of the deal here.“Yuzu, you take care of her, okay?” Stepmother asks her. I don’t think either of them is in a position to take care of me. The daughter with a sloppy outfit, and the mother that lets her wear it. What was Father thinking?At the dinner table, "Yuzu" was utterly speechless. My stepmother's name is Ume. She seemed genuinely pleased to have me. If that is indeed the case, then I am grateful. Apparently, Yuzu didn't know I was coming. I could play this to my advantage... If she decides to play rough, I will put her in her place quickly. Stepmother didn’t make any effort to make a good impression: she smoked indoors, while speaking to us. “Yuzu's birthday is earlier so she's the Onee-san.” she said. I will NEVER call her that. xxxI had to share a room with her. It was spacious enough for two people. Two futons were placed side-by-side in the middle of boxes. It seems they just moved in themselves. Yuzu went to take a bath first. I busied myself while waiting for her to finish.“The bath is free.” she says. I pay her no mind. It doesn’t seem to sit right with her. She stands up in front of me blocking the light. “Soooo… I know a lot has happened today, and neither of us asked for this. Now that we're stepsisters, let's get along... Even if we don't mean to…”Is she pretending to be the bigger person? She extends her hand to me, asking for a handshake. I don't know what she's plotting, but I won't give in. She apparently wants me to lower my guard. I will get her to lay down her cards right here, right now. I ignore her and move away to prepare my things before going to the bath.“Say, about Amamiya-sensei…” she pretends to be unphased “Is he a good kisser or what?” That was easy. I pretend to check my briefcase. I want to hear what she has to say.“Though is it really okay for the student council president to lock lips with a teacher?” She goes on “Right on the school grounds too!”Blackmail? Please! It's her word against mine. Who are they gonna believe? The Student Council President, or a girl who broke at least ten rules on her first day? Doesn't she realize that?“Or is it the thrill of being caught?”Seriously?“Could that have been your first kiss?”She must never have...“Kissing should be more like... Reassuring each other's feelings, you know. Hm?”She definitely has never been kissed. Feelings? I'll show you, sister darling!I pushed her down and pinned her with a deep kiss on the mouth. I moved my tongue inside her mouth as she struggled to breathe and break away. As I disengaged, a string of saliva formed between our lips. It was surprisingly pleasant.“ That's what it was like,” I say.No feelings or anything. Hoping for such a thing is setting yourself up for disappointment.I went to the bathroom without looking back, slamming the door behind me. I felt so hot. I took a cold shower to calm down, then got into the tub. I relaxed for a minute, then it hit me! I gave her another weapon to strike me with. What if she tells her mother and my father! It's my word against hers still, but I have no credibility advantage in this case...When I went back to the room, she was coiled up in a fetal position, hugging a pillow and obviously awake. Was she still shocked? She doesn't put up much of a fight, does she?

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

I woke up before the idiot did. She fell asleep after all. The fetal position she slept in relaxed and the pillow she was hugging went under her head. She looked somewhat adorable when asleep... I heard the sound of eggs being broken against a frying pan. My stepmother must have woken up. After what happened yesterday between her daughter and me, I have to think of a way to maintain an amicable relationship with my stepmother. No matter what, she is Father's wife, and having her on my side is crucial if my father was to come back to us someday. With the idiot still asleep, this might be my opportunity to start on that. I hope she sleeps for a little while longer.

I tiptoe my way out of the room. I make sure opening and closing the door doesn't make a sound.

“Good morning, dear!” Ume greets me with the most radiant of smiles.

“Good morning, Mother.” I reply “I hope you are well rested. May I help with the meal?”

“What a sweetheart! Don't worry about it! Just go wash up, and breakfast will be served when you come back. I hope Yuzu didn't keep you awake. She can be pretty chatty when excited.”

“No, she didn't. I think she was pretty tired after her first day at our school. Maybe it's better if we let her sleep a little longer.”

“What a considerate little sister!”

Does her daughter take her naiveness from her? Is that why father chose the...? Too early to decide whether they're naive or not. I must not let my guard down. After I washed up, I joined her at the table. Over breakfast, she updated me on my father's plans. She said an opportunity came up in Brazil that he could not pass up. Is he just avoiding me? What does he see in the idiot that I don't have?

“Did he meet Yuzu?”

“Nope.”

“I was under the impression that she didn't know I existed either.”

“We wanted to surprise her!”

Does she know her own daughter? The idiot doesn't seem to handle surprises very well. At least, judging from what I gathered over the past 24 hours. The knowledge that my father didn't meet the idiot yet soothed my heart a little. I still don't know what he thinks of me, but I'm his real daughter, and he knew me in person. All he knows about the idiot is what her mother has told him.

We finished our meal, but the idiot is still yet to be seen.

“Jeez! I told her we're going shopping! She usually doesn't sleep in when I say that…” Ume said, probably trying to keep appearances.

I doubt the idiot was listening yesterday. I guess the girl who scolded her hours beforehand turning out to be her stepsister was too much of a shock!

We cleared the table together before my stepmother went to wake the idiot up. I followed her. I couldn't afford to leave them alone together until I figure out the idiot's plans or lack thereof.

“Come on, Yuzu. Wake up!” Mom said loudly

“Mmh... It’s Saturday!” The idiot protested. “Let me sleep some more.”

“You can't! The three of us are going shopping today! Kay? Mei-chan?”

“Yes,” I say.  “Thanks for the meal.”

“Sure. No problem.”

Ume went out of the room. The idiot glares at me, so I return her defiance.

“Idiot...” I say, sparing no disdain.

She is visibly annoyed, but that was about it. For a moment there I thought she was going to put up a fight. Some big sister, she is. She had her breakfast, sulking, without saying a word. This is starting to worry me... She's bottling up her anger instead of taking it out on me. It means she might blurt out what happened yesterday at any moment. I have to get it out of her, somehow, when we're away from her mother...

We waited for half an hour, while the idiot did her makeup, then we went out. We spent the remainder of the morning browsing boutiques in the mall. I was walking side by side with my stepmother while the idiot was tailing us, obviously sulking still. My stepmother might not want to scold her in front of me as she's probably trying to make a good impression on me as I am on her. She seemed to brim with happiness. If this is all an act, it's an impressive one. I wonder how she would react if she knew I stole a kiss from her real daughter, which was probably her first...

“Mei-chan, aren't you tired?” Ume asks.

“I'm fine.” I say.

“Really? We could grab a bite, though.”

We sit in a nearby family restaurant. I sat beside Ume while the idiot sat opposite of her. Right after our dishes arrived, the idiot started gobbling up the food as if there was no tomorrow.

“Really Yuzu!” Ume says “Don’t wolf down your food like that! Good grief... By the way, Mei-chan. You've been living with your grandfather, right?”

Is she testing me? My father told her for sure. Or was it that he assumed I went to live with Grandfather? Either way, I might as well answer honestly...

“No, I lived in my father's house.” I say.

“Oh? But Shou-san is always flying around everywhere isn't he?”

“I haven't seen my father for almost five years.”

“Oh, I see.”

Is that all? She’s seen him more recently than I did. This is information she must be aware of. Or is she trying to summarize the situation to Yuzu through me? Meanwhile, the idiot looked at me silently. Ume paid the bill. We went out and resumed our conversation.

“Living like that must have been tough, right?” Ume asked.

“No. My grandfather supported me financially.”

“Ah, that's right! He's the Chairman of the academy, right?”

Father might not have told her much about our family. I don't know whether she's picking bits and pieces from me or testing what father has told her.

“Yuzu! Watch where you're going!” She suddenly yelled at the idiot.

Splash!

I am soaked! The idiot walked right into a fountain. Struggling for balance, she grabbed onto my shirt. The fat cow pulled us both into the water.

Our trip to the mall was cut short by this incident. Ume called a cab and took us home.

“Go take a bath before you catch a cold.” Ume says.

“Alright! Alright!” the idiot says.

“The hallway got wet!”

“I'll clean it later!”

“Mei-chan, you better hurry and get in there too.”

When I got in, the idiot was already in the bath. I went into the shower while waiting for her to get out. She looks at me in a daze. I don't think she knows I noticed her staring. A moment later she seems to come to her senses. She touched her lip... That kiss had a lasting after-effect, it seems... This is my chance to break her for good. I got into the bath. She tried to get out.

“Ah uhm... I'm gonna get out.” she says, standing up.

Oh no! You're not getting anywhere, sister darling!

I pinned her against the wall. She's surprisingly weak. I planted a series of kisses, starting by the side of her neck and making my way to the center of her throat. I planned to work my way from there up to her lips...

“Wait! N-! Gh! No!” She pushed me away.

Did I break her?

“Wh-Why are you doing these things?!” She asks, flustered.

Oh, precious! Is she holding back the tears? What made her think she could stand a chance against me? Let's mess with her innocent little head a little more...

“Because you looked like you wanted me to touch you.” I say.

She looked at me with a confused expression. Flustered, she got out. With this, I don't think she'd ever dare go against me. I sat down in the bath. Her skin was soft and pleasant to kiss... I'm glad I found a way to keep her in check.

A few minutes later, I got out as well. I went to our room, but the idiot wasn't there. I joined her and my stepmother in the living room. She was clinging to my stepmother, who was reading. I sat beside her on the couch. She tightened her hug on my stepmother's arm.

“Yuzu! Oh, Mei-chan,” Ume notices me. “I don't know why she suddenly grew shy. Do you, by any chance, have bigger boobs than her?”

What is she asking?! I didn't check... Not that it would have ever crossed my mind. My reaction must have amused her. She laughed heartily after that. Both the idiot and I fell silent, and the atmosphere grew awkward.

Father married a fearsome woman.

When it was time for bed, Yuzu sat down cross-legged, hugging a heart-shaped pillow.

“Can I turn the lights off?” I ask. I didn’t need her permission but I wanted to hear her confused voice.

“Please, don't do anything weird to me.” she pleads.

Really? Reduced to begging your

little sister?

She is blushing... How adorable.

“Was that your first kiss?” I ask, despite knowing the answer.

“Ye-.. No!” She says.

“Don't lie.”

“Fine! It was! Happy?”

“Did we reassure each other's feelings?”

She glared at me with tears in her eyes. She's beautiful without makeup... How come she has green eyes? I thought those were contact lenses, at first. The hair isn't naturally blonde, though... I switched the lights off, went to my futon, and let myself sleep.

xxx

I had to go to school early since Grandfather was performing a gate check. I hope he doesn't catch the idiot. It will complicate things for me.

“Good morning, gramps!” The idiot greeted Grandfather loudly in unsightly manner.

“And who might you be?” Grandfather asks, evidently not knowing who she was.

“Ehh?”

“You have our school uniform, but you can't be from this school, can you?”

“Eh? Uhm…”

“Mei.” Grandfather turns.

“Yes, sir.” I reply, knowing what was coming.

“Explain this thing to me! Why is this idiot walking around freely in our school? You have really been taking your leadership for granted!”

Well, we agreed she's an idiot. Instead of explaining, I might as well just apologize for the time being.

“I apologize, sir.” I bow slightly.

“Wait, Gramps!” The idiot came between us. “It's not her fault! If you want to get angry at someone, get angry at me!”

“How dare you talk to me like that!” Grandfather says, running out of patience. “This Academy has no need for disgraceful students such as yourself! Begone!”

“Wha.. What did you say, blockhead?! It's you who can't even hear someone out!”

She said that and fled to the other side of the road. From there she started sticking her tongue out at grandfather. Ridiculous...

“What an aggravating girl…” Grandfather sighed.

I don't know why she felt the need to defend me. I thought she would hate me after all that I did to her. She must be a masochist...

xxx

The idiot attended the class and spent the whole day staring at me. I expected her to come and talk to me, but she didn't.

The rest of the day went by without incident. Before heading home, I went to Grandfather's office as per his request. As expected, he inquired about our new relatives.

“Why didn't you tell me that girl was your stepsister?” He asks.

“I didn't want to involve family matters with school matters.” I reply.

“Very well. Her mother must be an irresponsible person for letting her go to school in such an unsightly getup.”

“I don't think that is the case.”

“Your reason?”

“Father's wife is a diligent person, and I am pleased to say she spared no effort to make me feel at home. As for the daughter, despite her getup, I believe she is a good girl. She keeps to herself, and I believe I will be able to convince her to change her ways before the end of the week. I apologize for not sanctioning her right away. I feared it would alienate her from us, which may aggravate our situation with Father.”

“I see. A wise decision, indeed. I will be counting on you to guide her.”

“Thank you. Have a good evening, grandfather.”

“Likewise.”

Now we're even. She doesn't get to play the better person with me.

“I'm home.” I announce myself.

It seems the idiot was waiting for me. “Got a second?”

She seems serious. Is this another attempt at making peace with me?

Once in our room, she sat on the folded futons. I start to change out of my uniform.

“Sorry 'bout this morning.” she says. “Because of me, the chairman got angry at you.”

“If you're sorry,” I say. “Stop dressing sloppily like that.”

The remark hit home. “Hey you..!” she tried to protest, then gave up in half a second. Typical. She didn't sit back. She scratched her head. Apparently, this wasn't what she wanted to talk about. She went on a soliloquy: “Anyway, I apologized. Now... I overheard Amemiya-sensei this morning. He doesn't care about you. He said he was only in it for the money. He’s only marrying you ‘cause you’re the chairman’s granddaughter! He's using you to get closer to your grandfather. Coming from me, it might sound like I'm meddling, but what you have is not love!”

Does she want me to put her in her place again? I'm not in the mood. “I already knew.” I humor her. “So what?”

“So what?! I'm your older sister, that’s what! I just...”

Does she really see herself as my older sister? How adorable! Did she try to defend me against grandfather because of this too? She begged me yesterday to go easy on her, now look at her acting all high and mighty. “A child who’s barely been kissed shouldn't be talking like she knows about these things.” I put things into perspective for her.

“Wha-?! D-don't get cocky with me! I was giving you an honest advice!”

She has no right to question the way of the Aiharas. Did Father deliberately choose a family that is the complete opposite of us? I have no time for this... I go past her.

At dinner, both of us were silent. Ume tried to start a conversation with either of us to no avail. The idiot and I gave her one-line answers. When she felt she couldn't have a proper discussion, she told us a story that she thought was funny. Neither of us laughed, though.

I must say I almost felt sorry for her, but I couldn't yield. She's a woman that my Father found comfort in instead of his real family. I accepted my parents' divorce because of who he was. I don't have to treat his remarriage the same.

The idiot went to bed before me. I can tell she isn't asleep yet. I turn in as well.

I had an unpleasant dream last night. Father was chatting happily with the idiot and his new wife at the dinner table. I was there too, but no one paid me any mind. When I spoke, they didn't seem to hear me. I called out to him to no avail.

The futon beside me was folded. I check the alarm clock. It's still early. I go wash up and greet my stepmother who was preparing breakfast: “Good morning.”

“Good morning, Mei-chan,” she says. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes. Thank you for asking.”

“I told you to stop speaking so formally!”

“I'm sorry. I'll get used to it soon. Please be patient with me.”

“No worries! Yuzu already went ahead to school. She said she had something to take care of... Did she tell you what it was?”

“No.”

“Did you girls have a fight?”

“Not that I recall.”

“Hey. Mei-chan... I'm sorry for bringing this up so early in the morning. I apologize for marrying your father before meeting you.”

“It’s alright. I am pleased that my father has remarried. It was high time he-...”

“What about you, Mei-chan? Are you happy with it?”

I stayed silent.

“If you don't like something, tell us.” she says, “If we say or do something that doesn’t sit well with you, speak your mind, make a fuss, or even yell at us. Also, don’t pressure yourself into calling me

mother

. It will make me very happy if you can call me

mom

or

mama

but if that's too much to ask, call me

Ume.

Yuzu-chan would be very happy if you called her by her given name too. That's what family is.”

“Did Father say he felt pressured by our family?”

“You really are Shou's daughter, aren't you?”

“I appreciate your efforts, mother. I will extend you the same courtesy.”

“I'll be in your care!”

Isn't it the other way around? “Li-likewise…”, I answered, taken aback.

What did she mean by that? Her ability to go from serious to cheerful is frightening.

I prepare my speech for the morning assembly, then head near the podium. I couldn't see the idiot anywhere. I notice the girl she spent time with, though. Taniguchi-senpai’s sister. I wonder what she would think when she finds out that her sister associate with people such as the idiot.

“Up next, a word from our student council president.” Maruta-senpai says. It was my cue. “Go ahead, Student cou-... Wha..?! What are you doing?!”

The idiot is on the podium! What is she doing there?!

“Yeah, yeah. I gotta interrupt you for a second.” she pushed Maruta-senpai aside, and speaks into the microphone. “Hey, yo. What's up. Aihara Yuzuko, first year, here. I have something I want to say on behalf of all students... First, these morning assemblies are seriously boring. If you people could keep it short, that'd be great…” What is she trying to pull? Think! What's the proper protocol in this situation! “So, uhm... That handsome teacher, Amemiya-sensei frenched one of the students right here at school! And from what I saw…”

“Hey! Someone stop her!” Amemiya-sensei yelled frantically.

Murmurs buzzed everywhere. What is she doing? My mind goes blank. I hope she doesn't bring my name up.

“...it looked like assault! Please investigate the matter.” She continued, not caring for the commotion. “Ah! By the way... By the way, you know the chairman? He’s my grandpa! Pleased to meet’cha!” She then proceeded down the podium with a smug smile.

She’s smarter than I thought. Now, she won’t face serious repercussions.

I don't know where Grandfather is, but I can tell he's looking at me.

xxx

Grandfather called Amemiya-sensei and me to his office.

“Amemiya-sensei,” he says. “I believe you are aware of why I called you here.”

“Sir, with all due respect,” Amamiya-sensei says, “I am shocked that you would take that student's accusation seriously... I know she is your granddaughter through your son's remarriage. She probably became jealous when she learned Aihara-san and I are engaged. Furthermore, she is obviously a delinquent.”

“Very well. Mei?”

That "delinquent" has a much higher level of morality than you can EVER dream of having, you pig! “Everything she said was true.” I say. “It happened more than a few times.”

I didn't dare to look grandfather in the eye. I know I'm considered a minor in this, but I accepted what he did nonetheless.

“Thank you, Mei. That will be all. Please, head home right away.” Grandfather instructed. “Don't worry about your classes. Amemiya-san, please remain here.”

I bowed and excused myself. Without looking at either of them, I left.

Why would she do this?

"I'm your older sister, that’s what!"

You get an o-nee-chan point today, idiot.

xxx

I found Ume home. She was in the middle of unpacking a TV.

“Oh, Mei-chan!” She says. “You're early!”

“I didn't expect you would be here either.” I say.

“Oh! I have taken the day off... I wanted this to be a surprise. Is there something wrong, dear?”

“M-my period…”

“How come? You shouldn't have it until next... What?”

“What are you...?”

“What? The least a stepmother can do is ask your previous caretaker about when her daughter is likely to…”

“Please! No!”

“Come on!” She giggled. “I can tell you're lying. If you don't want to tell me, that's okay. I'll hear you out whenever you're ready.”

“Thank you.”

She's scary. I take back what I thought earlier. How can such an astute person have such a naive daughter? To be frank, after today’s events, I’m not sure the daughter is naive either...

I helped her set up the TV. We spent the afternoon talking about trivial matters such as what our favorite dishes are, what we liked to read, etc. She was a pleasant person. I wouldn't have wasted my time talking if it was any other day, but today was probably my last day with her. She did her best to make me feel welcomed. This is the least I could do to return the favor.

“Mom.” I say

Her face brightened. She hugged me so hard that I couldn’t breathe. She smells like her daughter...

“Thank you for marrying my father.” I manage to say.

“Dear, what's wrong?” She asks.

Did my voice betray me? Or is she that observant? If anything, I will always wonder what could have been… In the back of my head, I regret not getting to know the idiot better too... I may have misjudged her.

As expected grandfather’s chauffeur and lawyer arrived. Mom answered the door.

“Madame Aihara,” the Lawyer said. “We are here on behalf of Aihara Mei's grandfather. As her legal guardian, we would like to have your consent for us to deliver a message to her on her grandfather's behalf. Here's a copy of it, with her grandfather's seal.”

Mom read the letter and looked at me. “Mei-chan, what's the meaning of this?” She was holding back the tears. The resemblance with her daughter is uncanny.

“I accept.” I announced. I already knew what was in the letter. I went to my room and took the bag I had prepared in advance. Mom followed me.

“Can we talk about this?” She says, doing her best to get in my way.

“I have already made my decision,” I bow. “Thank you for everything.”

“Wait,” her demeanour changes. She went to the kitchen. She scribbled something on a piece of paper. “These are all my numbers and Yuzu's number. Call us.”

I accept the piece of paper. She hugs me. “I am your mother. Never forget it.”

Tears threatened to overflow. Not even my real mother said that when she left!

I broke away from her hug.

xxx

Grandfather was waiting for me in the living room. “I apologize.” he says.

“It is I who needs to apologize.” I say.

“Amemiya-sensei has left the academy. Needless to say, your engagement is annulled.”

“Thank you. I apologize for the trouble I caused.”

“We're looking into new candidates. We will be more careful this time around.”

“Thank you.”

“Have a good night.”

“Thank you. Likewise.”

I bow and retreat to the room that was assigned to me. It feels small despite being roughly the same size as the one in Ume’s home. I looked at the piece of paper she gave me. Yuzu... Should I call to thank her? I will see her tomorrow anyway, and I’m sure that she will pester me about going back.

I won't thank her. She stuck her nose where it didn't belong.

xxx

Our lockers are next to each other due to having the same last name. She waited for me there. I ignore her and head to my locker.

“Haven't you got something to tell me?” She says

“And what would that be?”

She needs to learn to stay away from my business. A member of the Student Council came and took me away from her. She seemed to want to press the matter further but gave up.

The morning went by peacefully. My first day without Amemiya-sensei. What a bliss! But, of course,

she

just had to interrupt it: “Aihara-san! We need to talk.”

“I'm sorry about what happened at the morning assembly,” she talks while we walk to the courtyard. People with inferiority complex always start their conversations with an apology. “I didn't think things would end up like this. I wasn't there last night, so mom had to tell me, but did you actually want to leave?”

I snuck behind her, and when she turned, she found my face right in front of her.

“Are you saying you'll take me back from grandfather's house?” I challenge her. She couldn't hold eye contact. How disappointing... After that stunt she pulled, I thought I was mistaken about her. How foolish of me… “Just kidding. You think I'm not coming back just because grandfather told me not to? No, it's something I decided on my own. So leave me alone.”

xxx

I haven't heard from her ever since. A month went by but she didn’t pull any other stunts. Her hair color and her outfit are just a camouflage for the submissive girl she is. It seems that the morning assembly was an outlier in her behavior.

Rumors floated around of her being a

love child

of dad’s. Father did many things we didn’t expect, but he would never do something like that. I think those rumors got to her too. I noticed she isolated herself. The other students didn’t want to associate with her either, but it didn’t keep them from formulating baseless theories about her. If it weren’t for Taniguchi-senpai’s sister, she would have been in complete isolation.

I pass her on the street on my way to Grandfather's house. She was spacing out.

At the door of my Grandfather's house, I hear her voice. “I-it's huge!”

Is she stalking me?

“How long are you planning on following me?” I turn to face her.

She tries to hide. She seems to have many of these little quirks, doesn't she? I saw her already! I might as well invite her in. She's a relative after all. It would be inappropriate to send her away now.

“I’m sorry to drop by like this,” she says. “Gramps is really rich, isn't he?”

“Is that what you wanted to talk about?”

“No, it's about something else.”

What would that be? I'll hear her out. We go to my room. She stood there, without saying a word. I had to probe her. “Say what you have to say, and please leave.”

“Um... Why won’t you come back home?” She asks

“This again? Please don’t make me repeat myself. How many times must I tell you I left on my…”

“Then why do you have that pained expression?! When you kissed me... When I told you, you were being used... You had that same expression. You’ve got a good poker face, but it’s not that good.”

What is she talking about?

“One time you were sleep-talking…” She goes on. “You were crying and calling out to your dad… Let me do something to help you! I want to break down these rules forced upon you so you can live more freely! If it's hard by yourself, I'll help you any way I...”

“Shut up!” I shout. She's looking down on me, isn't she? She has no right to judge the way I live!

I push her, and she lands on my bed. Don't get cocky, I know your weaknesses too! So what of it if I miss my dad? What of it that I couldn’t refuse the fiance Grandfather chose? If a simple kiss messed with your pretty little head, this will break you! I ripped her shirt and climbed on top of her.

“Hey! Stop!” She struggles against me more effectively than she did last time. She grabbed my wrists and lifted herself up. She was now sitting, with me on her lap. She placed her forehead against mine.

“It will be alright because I'm here for you!”

Does she have any idea what I’m doing? My tears flow. I’m trying to hurt her, but she extends a helping hand.

“What is this racket, Mei. Is somethi-... Mei!” Grandfather, hearing the noise, came to check on me...

The image grandfather saw was: me on her lap, her with her brassiere showing, and holding my wrist. My throat went dry.

“I tolerated your actions at the gate check and the morning assembly, but doing something indecent to my grandchild is going too far!!” He says! “From today on, you are expelled from school! Don't worry about the formalities. I will take care of it.”

“No! Wait!” Yuzu slips form underneath me and tries to defend herself.

“Get out! This is not a place for someone like you.”

I couldn't look her in the eye. She stood there, silent. Not only did I push her down, and tried to do God knows what, her future is now in jeopardy because of me. All she was trying to do is

help

me!

I told her to leave me alone! She has only herself to blame!

She adjusted her clothes, took her bag and was going to leave.

“Wait,” I say. I wanted the earth to split up and swallow me. Without lifting my head, I pointed to the closet. “Take a shirt from there.”

“Thanks…” She says.

Thanks! She says THANKS! After all that I’ve done to her, and she says THANKS!

She changed without saying a word and went out.

I didn't even apologize... I'm disgusting!

xxx

I didn't do anything. She's okay. I meant IF, and that's a big IF, I went through with it, that would count as... No, I probably would have stopped way before I did anything more to her.

I can't get her out of my head. Why did she have to say gentle words WHILE I was obviously assaulting her?! Doesn't she have...

“Aihara-san!” Sensei calls out to me

“Yes!” I say getting my bearing.

“I called you three times already. It's not like you to be spacing out in class.”

Students started to whisper. This is bad. There is no way I can focus until I set this right! “I'm sorry. May I excuse myself?”

“Go ahead.”

I will explain what went on to Grandfather. Well, not explain... I don't know what I'll tell him. I'll come up with something. I owe it to her to at least do all I can to reverse her expulsion!

I went to see Grandfather's secretary. “Could you tell the Chairman his granddaughter wishes to see him?”

“Your grandfather was admitted to a hospital, Aihara-san. Didn’t anyone inform you?”

“Wha- Which one?” She scribbled the name on a piece of paper and called a cab for me.

xxx

As soon as I learned his room number, I rushed there. “Grandfather!”

“Shh…” The nurse gestured for me to keep it down. How careless of me. “Ah! You must be the granddaughter.”

“Uhm? Yes…”

“Thank goodness. You see... Another girl wearing your school uniform came in with him. She was an impressive young lady. She kept a cool head and stayed with him in the ambulance. Even after the ambulance had arrived here, she didn't want to leave him, and she insisted we contact his granddaughter. She’ll be so relieved to know you’re here. Is she a friend of yours?”

Unable to answer the question, I proceeded to sit at grandfather's bedside. I hope he's okay. Bright hair... Is she following me everywhere? She helps Grandfather, who expelled her yesterday. She says she would help me without knowing what she's up against. Why does she do all this? What’s in it for her?

The door opens behind me. I heard Yuzu’s voice, “Gramps, are you up yet?” Upon noticing me, she drops down her gaze, “Ah, Sorry to interrupt. I'll leave.”

“Wait.” I say.

We went to the roof for privacy. It took me a moment to gather my thoughts. “Thanks for your help with Grandfather.”

“That's just the natural thing to do. Anyone else would have done the same thing, right?”

That's the thing, MOST people wouldn't have done it. She was fidgeting. I don’t know what to say...

“Yuzu-chan will be very happy if you called her by her given name too. That's what family is.”

“My name… My name is Mei. The nurse told me earlier that she couldn't call me because she didn't know my name. You never gave it to her. I thought that maybe you have forgotten. We're in the same year so calling you

o-nee-san

or anything is out of the question. If we can call each other by our given names that would be nice.” She looked intently at me. I feel self-conscious. “Th-that's what being a family is, right? And... could you tell mom not to worry?”

“Sure thing!” She seems happy. “Then I better go home . I'll come to check up on gramps tomorrow. Night, Mei!”

My heart skipped a beat when she called me by my name... What is this feeling?

xxx

Grandfather woke up shortly after she left.

“How are you feeling?” I ask.

“A little dizzy, still,” he says. “But the worst is over. Sorry for being a burden.”

“I didn't know until you were admitted. It's that aggravating girl who called the ambulance for you.”

“Who?”

“Your granddaughter.”

“But you just said-…”

“My sister.” Butterflies in my stomach fluttered at saying these words.

“I'll have to express my gratitude.”

“Could you cancel her expulsion?”

“What she did is still unforgivable…”

"Wha... What did you say, blockhead?! It's you who can't even hear someone out!"

“About that…” I say “I was the one who pushed her down, she struggled against me, and her shirt buttons broke. If anyone deserves to be expelled, it's me.”

“Why did you push her down?” He asks.

“It's between me and her, but I was the assailant here, not her.”

“Why are you defending her?”

“One, if she didn't do what she did on the morning assembly, I would still be engaged to Amemiya-san, Two, she helped you even though you expelled her, Three…” Why do I even need a reason? She didn't. “Above all, she is my sister.” Butterflies fluttered in my stomach again.

“And her mother? Is she your mother too?”

I understood what he was asking. “Yes…”

“Then you must go home to them. Give them my regards.”

I can't go. “Have some rest grandfather. Let us talk about this in the morning. She said she will come by to see you in the morning.”

“Who?”

“My sister!” I said it three times already! God! Is this how I will refer to her for the rest of my life?! I won't say it in front of her! Definitely not!

xxx

When I went back to Grandfather's, I called mom. “Hello.”

“Hello, Mei-chan!” mom recognized my voice, despite me spending only a single week with them, a month ago. “Is everything alright, dear?

“Yes.”

“I heard about your grandfather from Yuzu-chan. Is he alright?”

“Yes. It's just exhaustion.”

“Poor thing! I can cook him a meal, but his whole staff would be after my head if I did that.”

What ideas did father put in her head?

“How are you doing?” She asks.

“I'm okay.”

“I'm glad.”

“Mom. I'm not even your real daughter. Why did you cry when I left?” There was no answer. I checked to see if the line was cut. “Hello?”

“Next time you say you're not my real daughter, I'm going to slap you. Got that?”

What? I was speechless.

“When are you coming home?” She asks, as if it was inevitable that I would go back.

“I'm not sure.”

“Take your time, dear.”

“I'm sorry about what I said just now.” I apologize to her, yet it seems so hard for me to apologize to Yuzu, although what I did is far worse.

“As long as you understand.”

“Good night, mom.”

“Sweet dreams, dear.”

What would she say if she knew what her fake daughter did and tried to do to her real daughter? Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of it…

xxx

In the morning, I met Yuzu in the hospital lobby. “Over here!” She greeted me with a silly smile. “Good morning, Mei.”

My heart didn't react the same way it did last night. “I'm going to his room.”

“Oh! Okay!”

We go to Grandfather's room. She is surprisingly eloquent. We greet our grandfather and inquire about his health.

“All morning, there has been this thing I wanted to talk about…” Yuzu says.

“Would that be about your expulsion from school?” Grandfather anticipates her request and interrupts what she was about to say, sparing her the uncomfort.

“Th-that's right!”

“First, I have to express my gratitude. I was a huge burden on you yesterday.”

“No. No. No need to thank me... It's the normal thing to do. Besides, gramps, you're family. I could never have just left you like that.”

I think it’s lovely how she still calls him

gramps.

I'm starting to think all she has in her heart is honesty and purity. On the other hand, there's me…

“I very much agree with that,” grandfather says. “I have canceled your expulsion. Mei told me what really happened. As an educator and grandfather, my pride got the better of me. This hospital stay has given me the chance to review my shortcomings. Mei... You should do what you want to and not worry about me.”

“Grandfather!” I say

“Understand?”

“Yes.” He did tell me that my responsibilities lie elsewhere when my father remarried, until I turn 18.

We bid grandfather farewell and headed to school.

“Thank you, Mei,” she says “for talking to gramps for me.”

“It was nothing” I say. I never thanked her for what she did for me.

“So, Mei! Come back to our home! Gramps said you could do what you want! Mom is lonely without you! Okay?”

“Even with my father absent, it's my home too. I'd come back even without your request.”

She beamed. Her eyes and bright hair make it feel like the sun is reflecting off of her.

When I went back home, I made sure to make a proper apology as I entered. “I apologize for all the trouble I caused.” bowing down deeply.

“Mei-chan!” Mom flew to me, she trembled as she hugged me. “I’m so relieved…”

I don't deserve this.

Grandfather took a leave of absence. It gave me time to work on Yuzu. She didn't change her hair color and is being too comfortable as nobody scolds her. Her announcement at the morning assembly gave her leeway with the teachers. Thankfully she didn’t realize it herself. She was especially lax when she was around Taniguchi-senpai's sister.

xxx

“I'm home.” The living room was empty. There were bags on the kitchen counter, which meant mom was here.

“Welcome home, dear,” she says. “I'm preparing a surprise, don't come into your room. I bought us dinner. Could you heat it up, please?”

“Of course,” I wonder what kind of surprise she is preparing again. Yuzu isn't too keen on surprises... Speaking of her, she should have arrived two hours before me.

As if on cue, she shows up at the door “I'm home! Hi, Mei-…”

“Not going straight home is against school rules,” I say “Where were you?”

“Ah, yeah, I had to research something.”

Research?

Mom came from behind me.

“Seriously, where were you?!” She says “I thought you were gonna help assemble.”

So, Yuzu knows what the surprise was then.

“Assemble?” Yuzu asks with a puzzled look.

Or not.

Mom took us to the bedroom. “Ta-da!” Mom makes a telemarketer gesture. “Look a double bed! Nice, right? I had to do something to celebrate Mei-chan's return!”

Seriously? I'm okay with it, Yuzu, on the other hand, might not be...

“What do you think? Isn’t it great?” Mom asks, fishing for words of approval from either of us.

Yuzu turned bright red and couldn't utter a word. “I-I'm gonna take a shower,” she says when she finally finds her voice.

“Eeh? Wait! At least wait until after we eat dinner!”

I'm just going to pretend nothing happened. If she says something I'll explain things to her…

She displayed great mental fortitude recently, but now she’s become completely undone. I suppose it was just her adrenaline.

xxx

Bed-time.

I pretended to sleep. She is sitting on the floor hugging a heart-shaped pillow. A familiar scene…

After a while, she finally decides to get into bed. I can feel her body heat. I feel a weird movement.

“What?” I turn to ask her what is going on. Her face is directly above mine.

“Erm, I just.” She struggles to find words. “Sorry!”

I get out of bed and go to the closet.

“Huh? What's wrong?” She asks

“Sleeping in one bed is a bit too warm for me,” I say. “Is your body temperature naturally that high?”

“I-I don't think so.  Are you going to sleep alone?”

“Yes. I'll pass on being awoken every night by someone with such bad sleeping manners.”

She blushes.

“By the way, Mei... Why... Why don't you call me by my name?”

I did ask her to use our given names, but I didn’t ever use hers.

“Is it because I'm your older sister, that saying my name is hard?” She asks. “In that case...!”

Is she seriously still going on about being my older sister?

“Don't get the wrong idea,” I say. “Calling each other by our first names is just for outside appearances as sisters. Don’t act like we have a special bond just because our parents married. I have no interest in you.”

She flinched, then stiffened. She hung her head, and looked at her clenched hands. “Then what was that one thing about? That kiss... You don't normally do that with someone you don’t have any interest in.”

Oh my God! That’s what she thought it was! I'll give her a taste of reality... I climb onto the bed. I caress her cheek. “You were being a nuisance.” I lift her chin. “and that was the most effective way…” I bring my lips so close to hers, a second away from a kiss “...to shut you up.” As expected, she shut up. “See?”

She slapped my hand. “You're the worst.”

My heart tightened. I have no right to be offended. “Maybe I am.”

She threw herself onto the bed. ”I'm gonna sleep! Stupid Mei…”

I lay the futon on the floor.

Just when she stopped popping in my head every now and then, I go and do this! I won't apologize! It's her fault for talking about kisses and feelings!

xxx

The next day at school was peaceful as well. All we have left to do is make the last round of the day. She's on cleanup duty. I will probably meet her while I’m on patrol.

Himeko found Yuzu’s things, and was trembling in rage at her carelessness. “This friggin' girl with her dyed hair! Honestly! Ever since she transferred here...!”

I can't let Himeko get to her. “That will be enough for today,” I pat on her shoulder.

“Huh?! President! But…”

“Leave it to me. You two can go home.”

“If you say so, President…”

Seriously... I'll give her a piece of my mind when I get home. For now, I'll put her things in her bag. I'm sure she wouldn't mind. This feels strangely intimate... What's this? Peach Sisters? A manga?

I leaf through it. It has "sisters" in the title, so I have a right to know what it wa-... Oh my God!

Does she think about me in this way? It was weird that she didn't tell mom about it... Well, it's partially my fault.

Partially.

My God, she's close to Taniguchi-senpai's sister. I hope she didn't tell her... If this gets out...

I have to do some damage control.

I put her things in her bag. I write a note and put it under her bag.

xxx

While waiting in the chairman's office, thousands of scenarios run through my head. I admit, I am partly at fault. What if she brings that up? I am not even sure she's coming here once she reads the note. She was pretty upset yesterday...

She barged in, “Mei!”

“Don't you knock?”

“Ah, sorry. Uhm... I'm sorry for the terrible things I said yesterday. I lost control, and…”

That inferiority complex of hers... Well, it's convenient. She gave up the higher ground just like that.

"That's fine…” I say. “I didn't call you here to get an apology." I brandish the manga in front of her face. “This. This was among the things on your desk.” I lie. It was in her bag, but it’s for her own good...

She trembles and blushes. She hung her head and clenched her fists.

Why did I think she'd confront me? No fortitude... Scolding her might get her to hush about all this.

“I don't know what you were doing with this, but what if mom found this?” I ask. “And two of us have only just become

sisters.

Well, whatever. I'm the only one who's seen it, so to avoid rumors spreading, I’m going to get rid of this, and we’ll never speak of it again.”

She pushes me on to grandfather's desk. She throws herself at me, grabs my face and kisses me. The door was open! She deepened the kiss. I try to get out, but she had a hold of my face. I tugged the arm she was holding my jaw with away using my right hand, put my left palm on her forehead and push her head away.

“You! We're at school! What are you thi-...” I shout at her.

A teardrop fell on my cheek. She's crying. My heart melts. I broke her...

“It's 'cause of you…” she whispers. “Because you kissed me, I-I just don't know what's what anymore…”

My heart aches, and my throat tightens.

She kept on sobbing. Her sobs turned into a wail. “I'm sorry I'm such a bad sister!”

She ran away, leaving her bag and the manga behind.

I grab the manga from the floor. Was she looking for answers in this?

"Kissing should me be more like... Reassuring each other's feelings, you know."

"You don't normally do that with someone you don't care about."

So what did this kiss mean?

Himeko came in, I instinctively hid the manga behind my back. I pulled Yuzu's bag as casually as I could and put the manga in it.

“President? Was that blonde here?” Himeko asks.

“I told you to go home,” I reprimand her. I don't know whether or not she saw what happened.

“Is she bullying you?”

Her crying face flashed before my eyes.

What have I done?

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“President, was that blonde here?” Himeko asks.Did she see something?I look her in the eye. Himeko can be pretty observant when she wants to. I became aware of Yuzu's saliva on the corner of my lip. I'm taking too long to answer. I have to think quick.“Is she bullying you?” Yuzu's crying face flashed before my eyes. What? Yuzu? Bullying me! If anything, I am the bully. Since we met, I did nothing but bring her down. I forcefully kissed her, but I guess we're even now. “.. Teachers don't tell her off-…”Well, we're not exactly even. I did THAT to her in the bath…“... She still dresses sloppily, even though YOU told her to-…”And there's the Morning Assembly, but I did get her out of expulsion…“... She said she's the Chairman's granddaughter, but…”thantAnd there's last night...
"You're the worst."
“Quiet!” I yell. “Mei-mei…” Himeko says, taken aback. I have to think this over. Himeko is here now. I have to send her away. “I thought I told you to go home. What are you still doing here?”“I saw that girl running down the hallway... Then, she got into the Chairman's office... So I thought you called her in, so…”“So?”“I thought I'd come to help.”“I can handle her by myself. Unless you're called upon, don't interfere.”She's dejected, but that's nothing to get alarmed over. Himeko and I have been friends for years now. I know her better than anyone; this is the best way to get her to give up. She insists on getting involved in everything I do. She can be a handful, but she has a good heart. I have to keep her away from Yuzu until I figure this out. She won't last long if Himeko gets serious.I haven't got time to waste here. I have to get home ahead of Yuzu, no matter what it takes. I grab my briefcase and Yuzu's bag.“I'll be on my way”.“Don't you wanna walk home together?”“I'm in a hurry. See you tomorrow.”I called a cab to make up for lost time. Luckily, by the time I got to the gate, the cab pulled over.Okay, let's think this through again. I kissed her, she kissed me. We're even on that. I pushed her and she did too. I won't account for my original intent since I doubt I would've gone through with it anyway. I tried to strip her though, and ripped her shirt... There's also the bathroom episode. I'm still up by four to two. If she decides to go to mom, I'll end up in a pinch. I have to find a way to make up or propose a truce. My head hurts. I haven't been breathing regularly. I arched my back, closed my eyes, and inhaled.
"It's 'cause of you... Because you kissed me, I-I just don't know what's what anymore..."

"I'm sorry I'm such a bad sister!"
Gosh! What am I thinking? Perhaps she's confused for real... I hope she didn't get to talk to mom about this. Did she actually think I have feelings for her? We're both girls!I unlock the door. Nobody seems to be home. I double check. Empty.What should I do? Call her? Call Mom?I put my briefcase and her bag on the desk and lie down on the bed. She agonized about sleeping together in the same bed, then got upset when I got out of it. Did she do all those things: the Morning Assembly, saying she'd be there for me, asking me to come back... because she thought I had feelings for her?What will she do if I spell things out for her? I have to control her reactions. I'll be civil to her and do her a favor by keeping it a secret.So she kissed me with "feelings"... Amemiya-sensei forced many kisses on me, but they didn't feel like hers. Well, she's a 16-years old and he's a grown man. There's a difference in jaw strength and his lips aren't as soft as hers. There's also the matter of taste. She must've eaten something sweet. He usually called me on his coffee breaks...
"Kissing should be more like... Reassuring each other's feelings, you know."
If that's what she believes, what was she trying to reassure herself of?The apartment door opened. I jumped to my feet and rushed to greet whoever it was. It was mom. “I'm home! Oh, Mei-chan.”“Welcome home,” I say “Did Yuzu call you?”“She must be spending time with her friend Harumi. Please, go easy on her. I know it's against school rules, but she's just trying to fit in. That girl, Harumi, she doesn't seem like a bad girl.”“I'll see what I can do.”“Oh, thank you!”For now, I just need her to be here. I need to talk to her first.“Dear, go take a bath,” mom says “I'll make dinner”“Let me help! Isn't that what being a family is about?”“Oh my!” She hugged me and showered with kisses. Are there feelings in these too?I help her while keeping an eye on the door. This doesn't elude mom.“Honey. Relax!” Mom says “I know your school rules are strict, but Yuzu is a good girl. I  sometimes wish she was a little more mischievous... She never even had a boyfriend, what about you?”“No. I was engaged, though.” “ Was ? Your father didn't say anything about your engagement being called off..”“I suppose grandfather and him didn't discuss the matter yet. My fiance had a Mistress."Grandfather's health wouldn't allow him to get into a heated argument with father. I think that is why  didn't say anything."Oh my!" Mom says, appalled. "I hope Yuzu doesn't get tricked by someone like that."I guess Yuzu has a credibility advantage with her mother. All she has to do is tell her I tricked her for me to have a hard time fighting my way out…“Well now that you're both single,” she says. “You can both go on double dates, and you can help her…” Mom's phone rang. “Hello! Uh huh. She's here. Wanna talk to her? Yuzu says Hi. Uh huh. No problem, sweetie. Say Hi to Harumi and her grandma for me. Have fun.” She gives me a peculiar look. “Did you two have a fight again?”“What do you mean again ?” I say. “We never had any in the first place…”She giggled.This is not the time to get hung up on mom's pleasantries. Yuzu probably told Taniguchi.I have no choice but to eat dinner with mom and wait out our conversation. She went on and on about how cute her friend's kid is. Reminiscences about Yuzu's childhood came up from time to time. I noticed mom never brought up her ex-husband even once... I guess this is natural. It's not something you want to discuss with your stepdaughter.Once finished, we did the dishes and bid each other goodnight.xxx Alone in the bedroom, my thoughts went to Yuzu again. I wonder how she felt those nights I spent at my grandfather. Was she confused about me even then? I look at her bag... The manga!What's done is done. I already know what kind of manga it is, so there's no harm in looking further. I pick it from her bag. This feels wrong. Wrong? All the things I've done to her and this is wrong? At least, now, I can say with confidence that I'm looking out for her. I'm just reading it to weed out her confusion. I'll just leaf through some of the pages to see if they mention anything about "feelings"...xxxI read all of it.Apart from the sex scenes, it has appealing art. Well, even the sex scenes have merit IF you are interested in that kind of... entertainment? The author depicts a love that transcends social barriers. What a joke! No wonder she's confused. In the manga, the little sister forces herself on the big sister. No wonder she misinterpreted what I did to her. The story is embroiled with cheap melodrama. I'll have her read a higher class of literature. I can't have her rot out her brain with such nonsense. She's an Aihara now.2:49! My God, how did the time go by?I turn in!
"I'm gonna sleep! Stupid Mei..."
Well, you're not wrong there. How could I've done such things to such an innocent girl?! Well, someone who reads this type of manga, can't  really be called innocent...I told her I had no interest in her, yet now she's constantly on my mind. I scoot to her side of the bed. Her pillow smells nice. I guess I'll start our peace talks by asking which shampoo she uses. Wait! I can just check the shelve in the bathroom. This is ironic! Normally, when you want to become intimate with someone you start by getting acquainted, then when you're familiar enough you start calling each other by your respective given names, which may lead to visiting and spending time in each other's living quarters, and finally if you're of the opposite sexes you kiss. Me and her, we just got forced into intimacy. We were thrown in the midst of the process and we made things more complicated by kissing each other disregarding the fact we're both girls. No wonder things got out of hand. Well, I'm not without blame here. I did initiate this hellbound spiral. I wonder... Would I have done what I did if she was a boy? Maybe if she was a cute and frail boy... What am I thinking?! All of that happened because we were sleeping in the same room and had a bath together. What if she was a much younger boy...What the hell is wrong with me! It's the manga! It confused her!What if I was a boy?3:30! Stop thinking! xxxI couldn't get ahold of her at school the following day. I have put her bag on her desk, so I thought she would at least come to thank me or at least ask about the manga since I left it at home. Taniguchi was around her all morning. At lunchtime, I couldn't even give her her lunchbox since she fled from Himeko for some reason. I would've told Himeko to leave her alone, but I thought talking to Yuzu took priority.It doesn't matter what I thought. In the end, she didn't come home tonight either.“Yuzu-chan is sleeping at Harumi's tonight too,” Mom says.“I see,” I reply, feigning indifference. “You know, you can go to sleepover with them too.”“No, I'm fine.”"She also said she's going out with a friend tomorrow.""Taniguchi?""Who?""Harumi.""Oh! Who knows? Do you think it's a boy?""Why don't you ask her?""She'll tell me when she's ready.""What makes you so sure?"She giggled. She must have seen something in my expression. "You know, she was very happy when you told her you would come back. I don't know why she's avoiding you right now, but she'll come around…"Bad news: she figured Yuzu is avoiding me; good news: Yuzu doesn't seem to have said anything... It's dangerous to go on this assumption, but I have no choice."Don't worry, mom" I say. "We'll work everything out.""I thought you said you didn't have a fight…"No wonder she reads Yuzu like a book.“Did she say where she'd be going out tomorrow?”“Yes.”I wait.“Wanna know where?” She asks as I didn’t follow up. I keep quiet. “Wanna crash the date?”"Did she say it's a date?" I ask "No... I just assumed it is. You know, the place she's going to…""Where are they going?"She giggled. "I'll give you a hint.""Forget it!""Okay!""You're having fun, aren't you?"" Yep!""Good night!""Mei-chan! Don't be mad!""I'm not.""Good night, then!""Good night."What is this feeling of defeat? I retire to my room to think.Tomorrow is Saturday. Yuzu is bound to stop by to pick up some clothes for the... date? With whom? A boy? A girl? Taniguchi? Taniguchi is joined at the hip with Yuzu. Is Yuzu spending all this time with her as a rebound from me? She's doing it wrong. She shouldn't date ANY girl, not just me. Okay, tomorrow I'm gonna go check if it's a boy she's going out with. It's natural for me, as her sister, to want to see who's she's dating. Besides, it's not healthy to go on a date if she hasn't resolved her confusion. I don't know the places Yuzu likes to go to. I'll think of a way to get it out of mom tomorrow.Even if it's a boy, I should know who he is. Who knows? She might tell him what happened between us? xxxSaturday morning.I had a dream involving Yuzu…We were back in my room when I pushed her on my bed. She didn’t struggle against me andGrandfather didn’t come in. I finished what I started… It must be the manga I read. Thinking about her before going to bed contributed too. Let's not neglect the fact that we kissed twice and that I touched her. My subconscious registered her, that's all. I've got to talk to her as soon as possible. I hope she's as obedient as she was in the dream. Well, not THAT obedient. Maybe that obedient, but not in THAT way.I have to stop this.I haven't figured a viable reason for mom to give the address to the place Yuzu's having her date at. It's 10 a.m. now. The perfect time for a date should be in the afternoon. I have to find her before the evening. A date is no big deal, but what if they decide to go to a love hotel. Wait! That's it!I go see mom. "Did Yuzu say when she's coming back?" I ask"No," she says. "Who knows? Maybe she wants to spend another night with Harumi.""What if she decides to spend the night with her 'date'?""No. I trust her.""That's not the point. What if she's tricked into it?""Are you worried about her?"Damn! She never yields. I'm running out of time."Yes, I am.""Oh, my!""Please…""See, I'm worried too, but I have faith in her. As her mama, I can't go looking over her shoulder. She told me where she's going because she has faith in me. I can't betray that faith by telling you. If she wanted you to know, she would've told you, right?""Right" God! This is not the time to be playing mom! "As my daughter, I have faith in you too. You must have a good reason why you want to find her. I'll give you the names of five cafes. One of them is where she went. If it's meant to be, you'll find her from your first trial.""Very well, thanks.""Please check the other cafes too. I wanna take Shou-san to one of them when he comes back!"Good grief! At least now, I narrowed my search perimeter to five places."I'm going out.""Please take care of her!"I went out by 12:03 p.m. I made up an itinerary covering four of the five places she gave me. The fifth one is a cafe I occasionally go to with Himeko. I singled it out because I planned to do a round-robin on the potential date spots, so I didn't want to be noticed by the staff of a familiar place.I went three times to each of those cafes. This little masquerade took two hours and twenty-three minutes. I decide to go to Himeko's cafe. If I don't find her there, I will give up and just try to call...Yuzu!Is that Himeko? What is she doing with her?Yuzu turned away and hugged her bag. I readied myself to chase after her, but she didn't run away.."P-President!" Himeko clearly didn't want me to see them together. "F-fancy meeting you here! You look a lot better already! Aihara Yuzu asked me to come here today."SHE asked her?"I had a heated discussion with her," Himeji flails her arms a continues coming up with excuses. "It's not like we were hanging out together or anything."I have a theory on what they were talking about, but I have another priority.
"So, Mei! Come back to our home!"
"When will you come back home?" I ask Yuzu, who was facing the other way."I can't come home," she says in a small voice.Is she afraid of me? "Why not?" I ask. Then the last night she spent with me came back.
"Why don't you call me by my name?"

"I have no interest in you"
Yet, I spent the past three days thinking of her."It's your home, isn't it, Yuzu?" I ask her, saying here name clearly. Yuzu has a nice ring to it. Even though I can't see her face, I can tell she's moved."But it's your home too, Mei."What is she playing at?"What's going on?" Himeko asks, confused by our exchange.  "I have no idea what you two are talking about."I can assume Yuzu didn't tell her we're sisters. I deemed it unecessary to share such details with her."I hadn't told you yet, Himeko, but we became sisters." I don't give her time to retort. "I'm going ahead.""W-Wait, Mei...!" As expected, Yuzu follows me.How far can I count on her obedience?"Ah, Momokino-san, thanks for today!" Yuzu said while bidding Himeko goodbye. What is she thanking her for? xxxWe board the train together.We can't talk here; there are too many people. I fork out a novel I haven't touched for three days.Few minutes passed. I'm not reading at all. Scenarios of how to approach the conversation with Yuzu plays out in my head. I have to account the fact that she met with Himeko. I still don't know what they told each other. I still don't know how much Himeko saw of what transpired between us at the Chairman's Office.From the corner of my eye, I see Yuzu stealing glances at me. I don't know what she's trying to see, but it annoys me. I keep a straight face. I don't want her asking any questions now.We arrived at 4:13 pm at our destination station. There is a 15-minutes-walk home. I thought about inviting her to a cafe as Himeko did, but I feared it'd send the wrong message. Now we're approaching our building. I tried to think of something else, but my mind went completely blank!She's not even looking where she's going. She's just following my lead by switching glances between her feet and mine. It makes me conscious of my feet.Five minutes away from home. If I don't act now…"Hey, Mei…" She stops. Okay, that works too. I'll just build up on whatever it is she says, and work from there."Yes?" I wait for her to say what's on her mind "Could you…" She fidgets "Maybe... Keep what... I did... a secret?"Yes!"Alright... In exchange, you keep what I did a secret too... From everybody," I ask her as if we were making a fair trade. She could bury me if she tells mom. I hope she understood that I meant Taniguchi and mom must not know. She cheered up. I have trouble keeping eye contact when she smiles like that. "Keeping each other's secrets. Th-That's what sisters do." I turn away and start walking forward."You're the best!" She hugs me from behind. She lets go of me and shuffles home giddily. I follow her, picking up the pace slightly, as well.Is that all it takes to go from "the worst" to "the best"? Well, if that's how it is, good for me.She's not a bad girl at all. On the contrary, she's so innocent. I was convinced I totally broke her. For now, as long as she can show her mom a smile, that's good enough. This doesn't resolve her "confusion", but I suppose we can work on that later…We got home together."Welcome home, my sweeties!" Mom said."I'm making dinner tonight!" Yuzu announced. "I'm gonna go change. Any requests, Mei?"'I'm fine with whatever you do," I say."Come on!"She kissed mom on the cheek and made her way to our room."Oh! Oh! Then make us your special pasta," mom says.Yuzu clasps her hands and gasps "Got it!"Yuzu goes ahead. I follow her. Mom grabs my wrist. I give her a questioning look. She lets go and puts her index finger on her chin. "Thanks for bringing her home. She's all cheerful now thanks to you."Am I being played like a fiddle here? No, It was my own volition. I give her my best indifferent face. She giggles.I go to our room. Yuzu, already changed, was in the middle of checking her bag frantically. "This is bad, Mei!" She says. "The manga is not here."So she didn't check her bag all this time... Is there a limit to her carelessness?"In the closet," I say "I put it in there…""Haha... Sorry.""Dispose of it.""But it has such pretty art…"I won't deny that. "What if mom finds it?""She never goes through my stuff."It seems these two trust each other completely."I'm gonna go make dinner!" She says "You'll like it, I'm sure of it!""Look who's brimming with confidence."She giggled and got out. I changed into more comfortable clothes. I didn't sleep well lately. A little nap will do me good. I close my eyes and let my mind relax.Himeko said Yuzu invited her!Why?Himeko is a bit of a blabbermouth, but she's sharp. I doubt she'd tell me what went on between them easily. Yuzu, on the other hand...I guess I should change my approach. True, we have a truce, but Yuzu has weaknesses. First, she's emotional. It might be in my best interests to direct her potential emotional breakdowns to favor me. If calling her by her given name and pretending we're sisters is all it takes to make her obedient, then that's what I'll do. She also has to relax around me. Today, she's besides herself. How long will it last, though?"Mei!" Yuzu's voice came from the kitchen. "Dinner in five minutes!"That fast! It's only been... 40 minutes! Time flies by when I'm thinking of her!xxxI helped set up the table while Yuzu was putting the finishing touches on her meal. I thought she was clumsy and careless. Yet, she moves about the kitchen with such grace, it's obvious she's no slouch when it comes to cooking. The smell was so appetizing... I haven't had anything since breakfast. I only ordered drinks in the cafes.She served dinner with natural elegance. She covered each serving of pasta in a way that would put Italian restaurants to shame. It looked delicious. I'm sure she will make an excellent wife.Yuzu had obvious confidence in her skills. She took a seat beside me. Both mom and she were looking at me with expecting eyes."I can't eat if you both stare at me" I say"Right, right! Itadakimasu" mom says"Thanks for the meal," Yuzu and I say in unison I can tell they're both glancing at me. The faster we get this over with... SPICY. I reach for a glace of water and gulp it down. "What's wrong?!" Yuzu asks in concern"Oh my!" Mom says, not concerned at all."Sorry," I say "I'm bad with spicy…"Yuzu's eyes filled up with tears. She wanted me to like it. She hung her head down.Come on! I can't help it! Don't make that face... I pet her head. "It-It's delicious," I say.The tenderness of the moment didn't escape mom's eyes. She sat there, smiling. I retract my hand and took another fork as casually as I can. The intensity of garlic and spices is so pronounced, I don't think I'd be able to make it. It's tasty, though…"De..li..cious…" I manage to say. "What's this?"It's Arrabiata sauce," mom says. "It's made from garlic, tomatoes, and dried red chili peppers cooked in olive oil. Yuzu loves spicy food. "Arrabiata" means angry in Italian. I honestly thought it would suit you, hihi."BITE ME!"You don't have to force yourself!" Yuzu says."I like it!" I insist. "Eat."Yuzu pushed her cup of water near my plate. How sweet of her. Mom is forcing herself not to laugh.In the end, I couldn't finish the plate. Yuzu got depressed and lied down on the couch, watching TV, while Mom and I did the dishes."Sorry we didn't ask what you disliked," mom said, "but I'm sure you would've gone: I'm fine with anything . Let that be your lesson.""I'm glad my misfortune pleases you…" I say."Oh, come on! Don't be like that.""How about I make tomorrow's lunch?""We'll be looking forward to it."Truth is, after tasting how delicious both their cookings are, I'm worried to lose in front of Father... Since my arrival, only mom cooked for us. I assumed Yuzu was as bad as I am at cooking. But after today, it is clear that I'm the weak link in this family's culinary department. I refuse to lose to them. It's not that I'm bad. I never tried to improve my skills, that's all. I was cooking for myself, so it didn't matter how good it was."Yuzu, Mei-chan is cooking tomorrow!" Mom announced."Huh? Really! What you gonna make?" Yuzu lifted her head."Nothing spicy," I say curtly.That shut her up. She bit her lip and buried her face in the cushion."Meanie!" Mom protests. "Oh, wait... You're a bit of a Tsundere, aren't you?""A what?" I ask.She giggled. She does that way too often.After we finished, we relaxed in the living. Mom was going on and on about her friend's babies again, showing us pictures on her phone. Yuzu eyes sparkled and she kept trying to involve me in the conversation. It seems all my worries were for nothing. She hugs me and squishes her cheek against mine without a second thought."Jeez, Mei-chan you're blushing," mom say. They're too cute, right?Yeah, that's it. Was I the only one thinking too much of what happened between us? But SHE was the one all confused... Did everything go away after she cried herself out? Did Himeko tell her something that cleared things up for her? It all feels... anticlimactic. If she acts this relaxed around me... Wait, is she just acting relaxed?"Good night, sweeties," mom planted a kiss on the tops of both our heads and went to bed.We looked at each other. She fidgets. As expected, she will try to bring up the kiss as soon as mom go…"I'm sorry about tonight's dinner. I have no idea you didn't like spicy foo-...""I said it was delicious," I say.  "Besides, it was partly my fault, too."Okay. Serves me right for thinking she'd think about anything besides worthless things."I didn't ask about your dislikes…" She doesn't let go of that topic."What about you, do you have you any dislikes?" I try to get her mind off it."Girls! If you're gonna chat, do it in your room!" Mom's voice came from her room.Am I being scolded.. with her? Ah Well... we're sisters, after all.xxxYuzu threw herself on the bed. I thought she would get flustered again. Seriously, how stupid of me…  “Ahh! No place like home,” she says  “There goes all my extra space,” I say. She frowns and seems to be thinking about something. I slide under the cover, and she blushes. Se did get flustered after all. I just took time. I don’t get her. “What?” I ask,even though I have a vague idea.“Nothing!” She says, although it’s written all over her face that there is something.She just frowns again and seems to be thinking hard. Well, she's been a good girl all day... With the way she acted after dinner, and her request to keep what she did a secret, it's possible that she's trying her best to think of me as her sister. It doesn't change the fact that I stole her first kiss. The least I can do is give her closure. “Yuzu?” I get out of the covers and do a seiza. “Y-Yes?!” she sits us to… She glances at me, then assumes a seiza too, albeit with her head not in the proper positions. “About what happened in the Chairman's Room…”“Ah, er... Yeah, about that, I'm…”“You don't need to apologize to me. I drove you into a corner.”“Eh? But still... I didn't consider your feelings at all…”God! She's still going on about feelings... I didn't consider hers either when I kissed her. It sickens me how she thinks she's always at fault. This whole fiasco is more my fault than hers. If I go into that now, we'll be here all night. I haven't slept well these past few days, I want some shut-eye…“Can we call it even if we do it once more? 'cause I want to sleep now,” I say, wanting to end this. I kissed her, she kissed me. A consensual one would be the best way to end all of this. “Y-Yeah... Let's do that, please. Like, really?” She fidgets. What is she nervous about?There is no meaning to this. Would this really be closure for her? “Whenever you're ready…” She closes her eyes and waits..A sigh escapes me… She's so adorable waiting there, with her eyes closed. She trusts me after all of this. Is she that naive? As I move closer to her, I became conscious of my heartbeat . What's the best way? I put my hand on her cheek to keep her face from trembling. She relaxes instantly. I kiss her on the lips. They're soft… Amemiya-sensei kissed many times, but my three kisses with her were far more agreeable. Things I did to her in the dream flashed before my eyes… Is it okay for someone who had such a dream to sleep in the same bed as her? Better not think too much.“Goodnight,” I say, sliding back under the covers.“Hawawa! Uwaaah!” She let out a scream. “Be quiet!” I jump to cover her mouth. We wait there for a sec. No sign from mom.“Sowwy…” She says, through my hand. It made me conscious of the softness of her lips against the palm of my hand.“Come on, sleep. Face the other way.”“I can't sleep on my left side!”“Try.”“If you can sleep on both sides, sleep on this side of the bed.”“I don't want to.”“You can't sleep on your left side either…”“Alright, then stay awake.”She giggles, goes to switch off the lights, and comes and slips under the cover. Alright, let's sleep.I will explain things properly tomorrow and ask her about Himeko and Taniguchi.xxx An hour passed. For all tiredness, I'm awake still. I turn the other way. She's asleep. I can make out her face in the dark. Nearby street lights make it impossible to be in full darkness in this room. She sleeps with her mouth slightly open.She's beautiful. Is it alright that I think that? Beauty is a fact. You can think that even if you have no desire for her. Many boys will fall for her. Whoever gets her, will be lucky. She's beautiful, gentle and good at cooking. Why does she think she has to wear makeup? What will she think if I tell her that? All the times we kissed she wasn't wearing make-up. Does she taste different with lipstick on? I didn’t get to taste her unlike our earlier kisses … I approach her carefully... Her breath! Garlic! But we brushed our teeth together! Does my breath smell too?I come back to my senses. What am I doing?We're both girls, and we're sisters. I'm sure when we grow up, we'll look back and laugh about this. I hope our parents go the distance and she doesn't hate me by then. Himeko said many girls practice kissing on each other. Yuzu seems to think kissing is some magical thing that makes everything alright. She reads too many mangas. Kissing is just a physical action. Society associates kissing with that myth called love. Amemiya-sensei didn't love me, yet he kissed me. I don't love Yuzu, yet I kissed her. xxx The following morning, mom woke us up at... noon. “You looked so comfortable sleeping together,” she said, “I couldn't bring myself wake you.”Yuzu blushed and I felt hot. I was lacking sleep, so it's normal I didn't hear the alarm. Yuzu probably didn’t sleep either when she was at Taniguchi’s.The plans of me making lunch were canceled. We ordered pizza.“From now on, I'll work night shifts,” mom says. “You girls have to make dinner for yourselves. I'll make lunch, but you take turns making dinner.”“Alright! Why do you have to work at night?” Yuzu asks.“You know, Ayame, who usually works at night, with her twins she can't do it anymore. She asked me if I could. You girls are old enough to take care of yourselves.”That means I'm counted on to cook for Yuzu... She'll hate my cooking. I have to confess.“I'm not saying this to change your plans,” I intervene. “ I'm just letting you know... I'm not very good... at cooking.”“We thought as much.”

Yuzu smiled. Is she looking down on me?“When I was living on my own,” mom goes on, “I was bad at cooking too. It's not until you start cooking for others that you improve. Plus, you couldn't tell that Yuzu's sauce was spicy from the aroma…”“Don't worry, Mei,” Yuzu says, flexing her arm. “I'm gonna teach you!”“I decline,” I refuse to be in her debt more than I already am. “Whaaa?”“Come on, Mei-chan,” mom says “she can help you learn to cook, and you can help her in her studies.”“Euuuh...” Yuzu didn’t like the idea, apparently. “Fair enough,” I say, satisfied with that condition.“No, no, Mei… I'll be taking too much time of you…”“Same applies to you.”“You just want to slack off!” Mom saw through her.“Besides, the best way to learn is to teach,” I say. “I wonder who's the big sister here…”“It's me!” Yuzu protests. She was referring to mental age, idiot.xxx Yuzu goes to bed quite early tonight. “Why did you invite Himeko?” I'm not going to let her sleep before getting an answer. “Himeko?” She asks.“Momokino-san” “You call her by her first name?! Oh, yeah... she said you were childhood friends…”“Answer my question.”“Huh?! Err... she just wanted to talk about... You know... The Chairman's Room…”“What did you tell her?”“Er... I didn't want to talk about it at school... You know…”“Good call.”“Good. What did you tell her?”“Nothing...” She averted her eyes.“So you sat there, saying nothing.”“Well... I avoided her question... She didn't let me talk much, honestly… I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings…”What is she talking about? Did Himeko tell her she hurt me? She DID ask me if I was being bullied… “What did she say?” I decide to take a different approach. “To not show my face to you again…”“Were you planning to do that?”‘Well... I had no idea how to actually do it... It's not like I can live elsewhere…”This girl... Himeko is so ruthless. Yuzu's emotions are always written all over her face. She was an easy prey for Himeko. I'll get Himeko's side of the story. Now that she knows she's my sister, let's hope she tries to be nicer to her.“Good night,” I say, “I'm sorry to have kept you awake.”“Good night.” she say. sounding disappointed.xxx Next day, Yuzu woke up early. She's in the bathroom, doing her makeup."Could you at least not do that in front of me?" I say. Yuzu doesn't hit my warn. "Good morning, Mei! Today, we're walking to school together!""How convenient. This way, I send you back at the gate…""Ugh! Meanie!"" At least, try not to put on too much.""I don't put on much…""Well, put even less. I fail to see why you think you…""Hm? What? ..that you look nice with makeup.""It's not that…""What is it, then?""It's a hobby'"Hurry up and let me wash up!""Alright! Alright! You're even grumpier in the mornings!"After breakfast, we went together. Mom was smiling from ear to ear as she bid us farewell. Father, if this was your intention, everything worked out as you planned." This is refreshing, going to school so early! Good morning, little bird! The scenery looks completely different!" Yuzu was too cheerful for someone who doesn't usually wakes up early. She noticed Himeko, waiting at the intersection."A coil spring... Momokino-san? Momokino-san, good morning!" For someone who took a verbal beating from Himeko, she's happy to see her... Did she tell me the truth? Of course, she did... God! Am I paranoid? Himeko, on the other hand, is visibly displeased to see Yuzu. She doesn't even hide it."President, can you really permit, this? Being seen walking with a student like that?" Himeko asks."There aren't many students coming to school this early so it's fine." I reply."That's not the problem…""Say Momokino-san, don't you have a perm yourself? How Pretty! All coiled up…" Yuzu plays with Himeko's hair."This is natural! Could you not touch it? I can tell you, the moment you violate enough school rules, I…"I see. Yuzu is Himeko's natural enemy. She ignores everything Himeko says. She seems to have remembered something... She shuffles to me and pats me on the shoulder. "Mei, You put my bag back on my desk, right? Thanks!""You don't need to thank me for that," I say."It's fine, just accept my thanks. It's not like it's going to hurt.""No, you should reflect on your choice of manga. You’re free to buy the manga you want, but give it some thought." The last chapter of the volume ended on a bit of a cliffhanger… “President, what's this about manga?!” Himeko get agitated. “Awaah! You don't need to know about that!” Yuzu shoves me out of the way. That was careless on my end. Although Himeko would keep quiet if I asked her, but I’d rather she does not know anything about it. “A secret between Mei and me! Yuzu pushes me forward as if to get me away from Himeko. That'll make Himeko interrogate her even further. “Right, Mei?”“Sure…” I say. We did promise we’d keep each other’s secrets.“Did you read it?” Yuzu whispers.“I had to make sure,” I say. I did read it cover to cover, and I’m curious about the next volume. I has surprisingly good writing and the art is beautiful… Will Yuzu buy the next volume? I can’t ask her… and she has to dispose of the current one, anyway. xxxGrandfather's absence prompted all kinds of behaviors in the staff. The interim chairman asked me too many questions. He must've gotten desperate to find inconsistency in grandfather's work. The PTA President asked me where my father was. He must be wondering why he doesn't come back when Grandfather should be retired. I must stay vigilant. This academy has been through a lot to get to this point. We won't yield it to anyone. I've gotten myself too distracted with Yuzu lately.Grandfather has given me special permission to access his office and files. Being an Aihara grants me some laissez-faire since staff members want to stay on my good side. It's convenient and annoying at the same time. Even the interim chairman has no qualms about me checking and commenting his daily reports. They are not on par with grandfather’s.“I finished the closing inspection run,” Himeko comes in. She didn’t talk to me today as much as she’s used to. “All students have gone home.”Or is it that the passage of time has become warped lately? Sleep deprivation coupled with Yuzu's constant meddling has taken their toll on me. It's already past seven. I'll just finish this up and head home.“Good job,” I say.All day, Himeko seemed to want to say something. Since I wanted to talk to her myself, I judged it better that she comes forward. That way, I'll know her true intentions behind meeting Yuzu in private. She stood behind the chair where I was sitting in and worked her hand into my hair. “Remember how I used to play with your hair?” Himeko asks. A strange way to initiating the conversation. “I forgot how soft it feels.”Yuzu’s hair feels soft too. I a different way than mine. “Yes I remember,” I say. “ I love your hair president,” Himeko says. “It's so glossy and straight. I'm jealous, with my curly hair.”“What's going on with you today? You’re acting strange”“This is how I alaws am.”She moves to my left side, leans in as if she was going to whisper something in my ear and... nibbled on it, nimbly loosening my tie and unbuttoning the top button of my shirt!A sinking feeling in my chest and a shiver down my spine.She kisses my neck.“Hey. Hime-..”I try to push her.“Still have ticklish spot behind your ear, huh, president? You're blushing. Hohoho”She's looking down on me. “I’m working, cut it out.”“We've been friends since we were kids…” She ignores my words and whispers. “So I know you better than anyone.” She slid her hand under my skirt until she reaches my upper thigh. “Look at me, President.”“No…” I put all my strength into her hand off me, to no avail. When did she become this strong?  “Mei-mei…” She grips my chin firmly. She's going to kiss me... Yuzu...
"Why are you doing these things?!"
I'm scared…xxxI don't know how I managed to push her away nor how I got home. Her ugly smile loomed over my head. “I'm home.” I announce myself, trying my best to not let my voice betray me. “Welcome back!”  Yuzu came all the way to the door to welcome me. “You sure are late. I made you omelet and rice. Let's eat together.”Oh yeah... Mom's working. The person I molested is here, greeting me, cheerfully inviting me to eat with her. I can't look her in the eye. “Sorry, I don't feel like it today.”I go straight to our room, grab a towel, a change of clothes and go to the bath. The fewer interactions I have with Yuzu, the better.God... She even prepared a bath for me...My stomach lurches... I want to puke.I grab the edge of the sink and look at my ugly face. Hot tears well up.I don't deserve to cry. I molested her in this very place. I remember thinking she was weak. She couldn't push me away, the same way I couldn't push Himeko. It took every ounce of willpower I had to do it. Was Yuzu scared too? If so, how on earth can she bear to look at my hideous face and sleep in the same room as I do, let alone the same bed?! Two days ago, she even accepted a kiss from me... My God! Does she LIKE me? She did say she was confused when she kissed me in the Chairman's room... That kiss was just a "payback"... GOD! I took away her first kiss... Whatever pure and innocent conception of love she had, I soiled it.I have to go to bed ahead of her. I don't want to talk to her.I take a shower. A COLD shower.I succeed in going to bed first. Yuzu came in and went away without switching the lights on. I assume she took her bath things. I share more with Yuzu than what I ever shared with Himeko.When I did those things to Yuzu, I was trying to hurt her. Himeko is-... was my best friend.When Yuzu came back she didn't switch on the lights, just climbed silently into the bed. “Hey, Mei. I don't know if you're still awake but you're not breathing…” She spoke in a soft, gentle voice. “If you get hungry in the middle of the night, your share is in the fridge.”God... I'm the worst…xxxI couldn't sleep... I went to school earlier than I usually do. I tried to keep away from both Yuzu and Himeko. Important work had to be done. I caught up on yesterday’s work during lunch break. It is my turn to make dinner today, so I’ll have to whip up something before Yuzu comes. I hoped she goes somewhere after school with Taniguchi.My wishes came true. I did not meet neither her nor Himeko all day. I left a note for Himeko with additional work that kept her busy all day. Yuzu must have been hogged by Taniguchi as per usual.I couldn’t, however, flee Yuzu's contact forever. I let her meet me. We ate together... In silence... Something seemed to preoccupy her. I could tell that it was something that involved me as she tried to speak many times before deciding against it. While Yuzu was preparing to sleep, I went to the bathroom. I hoped she would go to sleep before I join her. Let's see... I'll brush my hair.
"I love your hair president. It's so glossy and straight. I'm jealous, with my curly hair."
Maybe I should cut it.“Say... Mei,” Yuzu stood with her back against the doorframe. “Momokino-san wanted to see me today. She told me all kinds of weird things. I don't really get it so... I thought I'd ask you. Yesterday, did something happen?That blabbermouth… There is no need to involve Yuzu in this. If I told her, memories of what I did to her would resurface.  “It's none of your business,” I say. “I see... None of my business. Sorry…” Yuzu says. She sounded really hurt. She would usually try to pry more. God… One day, she'll hate me for sure...xxx I couldn't sleep last night... Again… Yuzu didn’t say a word when I joined her in bed didn't wake up early to go with me. I wonder if she is mad at me. I decided to put Himeko in her place today. I lashed out at Yuzu yesterday and it's Himeko's fault. I didn't encounter Himeko on my way to school. She must have stayed late with the amount of work I gave her.I met her later at the student council room. She came in with Maruta-senpai. I took her to the roof to speak to her in private..“Hey, Meimei!” She tried to hug me“Cut it out! Stay. Away,” I push her away. I don’t want any proximity with her  “What's wrong?”“The other day... When-…” A pit formed in my stomach, and my throat tightened. “When you met Yuzu…” That's not what I meant to discuss… I came here to wipe the floor with her, but my resolve falters as I recall Yuzu’s hurt voice.  “What did she say?” “Answer my question”“I explained to her that she was your sister, and her bond with you will never transcend ours. I saw her attack you in the chairman's office. That sort of behavior is unacceptable.”“Himeko, in the Student Council Room, yesterday... Is that why you-...”“Meimei. You're not engaged now, it's natural to be curious... Don't let that girl get into your head. I'm your best friend, I keep your secrets. Besides, it was no big deal…”No big deal! Easy to say that when... you're... not the victim...I'm not the victim... Yuzu is... If Himeko hadn't done what she did, I would never have considered that I did Yuzu wrong.“Never. Do. That. Again.”“Hihi.”“I'm serious!”“Oh, I'm serious about protecting Meimei! The delinquent…”“Enough!”“Why do you always protect her?!”I don't. If anything, I hurt her. “Do not go near her. She is mine to deal with. Got that?”“I’m sorry Mei-mei. You’re keeping secrets from me. I can’t tolerate that.”She takes a step towards me, I instinctively took a step back.“You conscious of me,” she says. “That’s all I needed to know. Let us go, we have a lot of work.”She leaves me behind. I feel so small. Is that how I made Yuzu feel? I’m overwhelmed with wanting to hug Yuzu and apologize for everything I did… I hope Himeko doesn’t do anything to her.xxxYuzu and I didn't talk for two days and nor did we go to school together. Every time I tried to talk to her, my mind went blank. She looked so sad and preoccupied. Himeko had both of us in the palm of her hand. At least that what I thought until Friday when she appeared in the Student Council Room, with my forgotten bento and Himeko on her heels.Yuzu and Himeko stand up over my head and bicker.“Mei!” Yuzu says. “You forgot your bento, silly-billy Let's eat together!”“President!” Himeko says “Let's talk about next month's ball game tournament while eating together.”“Give her a break from work during lunch!””“It's called efficiency! My my... Not like you could multitask like that!”“ What'd you say?”It seems I was worried for nothing. Yuzu is more than capable to hold her own. I’m both relieved and disappointed. I wanted to do something about Himeko for her. It seems I am not needed.“Be quiet, both of you,” I say. “Why don't you two eat lunch together? I still have work to do.”I kicked both of them out after taking my bento from Yuzu. Now that I think of it, we never eat lunch together at school, me and her. Let's get back to work.I will be attending the Board meeting on Monday. For the first time, without Grandfather being there. Grandfather gave me extra pointers to ensure that I am taken seriously. I have to be extra careful. I can focus now since Yuzu regained her spirits. xxx I'm exhausted. Since mom is here today, I take this opportunity to go take a bath early. I plan to go to school tomorrow to catch up on some work I couldn't finish during the week.“Mei..” Yuzu's muffled voice is followed by a tap on the bathroom door. “You got a letter from your dad! How nice. I wonder from where. Can I look inside? Hm?”“No, you can't!” Without thinking, I jumped out of the bath and opened the sliding door. Yuzu got flustered at witnessing my naked figure. She averted her eyes.“S-Sorry... I wasn't really going to open someone else's mail!” She slammed the door. “I'll put it on your desk!”I dry myself immediately and get out. Yuzu left the letter on my desk as she said. I leave it there so as not to forget to put it away tomorrow. I'm too exhausted to put it away with the rest of the letters. I lie on the bed and drift off…xxx I went early to school to work on preparing my intervention at the Board meeting. Yuzu stopped by noon to ask me when I was coming home. When I said that it'd be probably in the evening, she gave me a dejected look and said goodbye. I didn't ask her what she wanted since I had better things to do at that time. Furthermore, she always becomes talkative before going to sleep...Sure enough…“Say, Mei…” She say,“What?” I say. “Aren't you going to read the letter?”“No, and it's none of your business. Stop bothering me about everything.”“S-say! Would you like to join me... For something tomorrow? I thought we could go visit my old town. To meet my dad.”I see that was just a means to open up the conversation.Does she want me to meet her dad so that she could be prepared to meet mine? “Why me?” I ask.“Mom said to bring you along with me…”She's obviously lying. “Fine. I don't see why I'd have to meet your dad, but if mom said so, then... it's-…” I feign sleep so she can't follow up with another question. I'll ask mom tomorrow whether what she said is true.“She fell asleep mid-sentence...”She’s so naive, yet so stubborn. Just like a child. It makes me feel worse for what I did to her. “I don’t have the luxury to do it fairly,” she says. Do what fairly? Now I want to ask questions.She tucks herself in.Get up! Think aloud some more! LET ME SLEEEEEEEEP!!!  xxxThe following morning, on the breakfast table/ I ask: “Mom, did you ask Yuzu to tell me to join her for something today?Yuzu stiffened.“Yes,” mom says.I knew that this might happen. “And what would that be?” I follow up. “Visiting her father. She'll eventually meet Sho-san, you should meet her dad, too.”Yuzu brightened. This is starting to annoy me. She always covers up for Yuzu! No wonder she's grown to be so sheltered and so naive. On the way out Yuzu gave mom a big kiss. Probably to thank her for playing along. She looked at me expectantly. I go past her. That's payback for always toying with me…“Tsundere-chaaan!” Mom complains.That word again...I admit I'm a little curious to meet Yuzu's father. I can't help but feel at a disadvantage when it comes to dealing with her. She knows more about me than I do about her. Knowing about her father before she meets mine will give me the upper hand since her father was never brought up before today. This a golden opportunity for me. Mom doesn't seem to have any qualms about Yuzu or me meeting her ex-husband. My real… biological mother prohibited me from visiting her when she remarried, although I never went to see her even when she was single. Perhaps father sought out Ume because she's everything that my biological mother is not. Yuzu, too, is everything I'm not. Even the simple act of walking to the train station, we do it in opposite fashions. My steps are heavy and calculated while hers are weightless, one could think she's dancing when walking. Will father choose her over me, too?Yuzu shudders.“What's wrong?” I ask.“I felt like a chill run down my spine. Uwah?! A goth loli?”Yuzu tends to think out loud. Her tendency to speak without thinking could cost me in the future...A signal inspection caused a delay, so the train was exceedingly full. I got squashed between two people and got separated from Yuzu. I heard her voice call me. “M- mei, are you managing?” Once I spotted her, she pulled me. “Mei! Over here!” She shoves me against the window then presses herself against me. She hugs me to keep her balance. I understand she can't help it. She is standing on the tip of her toes. Better her than a stranger, I guess...As time passed, I became conscious of her hot breath on my left ear. The sensation of her body against mine grows... pleasant. Especially as she trembles because she is having a hard time keeping her balance. The back of my throat dries upon realizing what this means… I have to recover somehow.“S-Stop... breathing…” I instruct, despite the request making no sense.“Huh?! If I stop breathing I'll die...!”A moan escaped me! God! My whole body feels hot... “Are you okay?” She continues to speak into my ear. I grab her shoulder and push her away so that there isn't as much contact between our bodies. “Y-Yes.” I manage to reply in a weak voice. I can't look her in the eye. She'll figure out she turned me on.She hugs me more tightly. I can feel her heart beating fast against mine.She licks my ear and another moan escapes me.She trembles in my embrace, making a nearly inaudible moan… I'm getting dizzy.I have to stop this. She clearly won't. “Stop it! Why are you doing this?” I mirror what she told me in the bathroom when our roles were reversed. The kiss and now this. It feels like I’m getting a taste of my medicine every day that goes on. “Stop fooling around!”“I'm not fooling around! Yuzu: I'm serious about you, Mei!” This is the first time I see her give me such an unwavering and determined look. Serious about me? “W-What are you saying?”“Cause you and Momokino-san... Uhm, you know, so…”So that's what this is all about… I pinch her side.“Ouch!” She screams. My pinch wasn’t that hard!“If you continue doing this…”“Okay! Okay! I'll stop!”We stayed like that for another half an hour, but the first 15 minutes were spent with Yuzu trying to get me to talk. This continued after we got off the train.“Mei, I'm sorry!” She says “C'mon! I really am! I'll buy you a crepe so please forgive me!”“I'm not really angry,” I say, “but as a human, I expected you to show some common sense, and... I don't know what you were imagining, but nothing happened between Himeko and me.”“Eh...? But she said you two took things a step further.”It was ten step backward, as far as I’m concerned. For now let’s put Yuzu’s mind at ease: “It's just she did something strange, and I scolded her. Probably, Himeko dressed that up for her own gain. How troublesome for me, caught in the middle. Your fault for falling for it, too.”She cheered up. Is there a limit to how simple-minded she can be? “No biggie then!” She hugged me from behind.“Smarten up a bit,” I push her away.“Eh? Let's go get some crepes! I know a perfect place.”I feel dizzy from the train, so I suppose some sugar will do me good. “Me: Your treat.”“Alright!” Her simple-mindedness can be refreshing, too...We ended up sitting at the crepe vendor. I thought we'd better eat them on the way.“Can we really waste time here?” I ask. “Isn't your dad waiting?”“No, it's fine,” Yuzu says “Dad is always off work or rather is just at home every day. Sitting down. Our family is all relaxed.”“Well... whatever works for him. I bet when I meet him, I'll know who you take after.”“Aha, I do get told I resemble him.”Does she get her green eyes from him?“So , Mei, what’s your dad like?” Yuzu asks.” He even mails you when he's busy, how kind of him! He must really love you.”Love me? I'm not sure… I haven't read any of his letters to find out. With how I turned him down when he asked me to run away with him…“Well, don't worry about it, stress isn't good for the body,” Yuzu pats my back violently! “Enjoy some sweet food once in a while, like we're doing now.”Were my emotions written all over my face? If Yuzu can read me, mom can do it too. I have to be more careful. I munch down what's left of the crepe.“Hey, Mei... Your crepe looks pretty good too, let me have a bite,” Yuzu says. I already finished it. Besides, we ordered the same thing.“Well, you can have a bite of mine, then…” She offers her crepe. I notice some whipped cream on her lip. Time for a little payback for what she did on the train… I gently slide my index across her upper lip and then lick the whipped cream off my finger.“I'll have this bit.”She's petrified.“Sorry maybe next time. I'll go wash my hands. Come on, let's go.”She didn't say anything since we left the crepe place. Perhaps I went too far. I wanted to stop doing these things to her, not add to her confusion. She did say she was serious about me. I can’t help but think she’s so precious in her simple-mindedness. She keeps stealing glances at me on our way to see her dad, and my heart starts beating. What does she see in me? Why is she so hung-up on me? I hurt her. I pushed her away. Is she a masochist? “Mei, can... can we hold hands?” Yuzu asks me out of the blue. I glance at her. She looks… scared? I suppose there is no harm, since we're sisters. Regardless of what we did to each other, that’s a fact. “STOP RIGHT THERE!” Himeko followed us somehow. I don't know what happened with her and Yuzu, but I let the situation unfold. Answers I seek may come right here. I pretend to play with Himeko's dog, Pucchi. “I FINALLY FOUND YOU!”“What are you doing here?!” Yuzu asks “What’s with the dog dog?!”“ I asked your mom. So you were plotting this behind my back, uh? How dare you! How dare you bring the President against her will!” Behind her back? Does she really think she took things a step further as Yuzu puts it? “Himeko,” give Pucchi to her. She needs to be put in her place once and for all. “This doesn’t concern you” I won’t forgive her for confusing Yuzu. Everything that goes between Yuzu and I in intimate time is our responsibility. “Let's go, Yuzu.”Yuzu looked at Himeko with concern. It amazes me how soft-hearted she is. Himeko has given her much grief, yet she shows this expression for her sake.More importantly, where were we? Does she still want to hold hands?She didn't bring it up again. We walked in silence for a bit. “We arrived, Mei!” Yuzu announced. I don't see a house nearby, we are in front of a cemetery. She gets in. That means…“Your father passed away?” I ask, despite knowing the answer. Why didn’t neither her nor mom tell me? So, that is why they never talk about him. He wasn't there to watch her grow up. “Eh? Yeah. When I was three. Ah! But it's not a gloomy thing. I can meet him anytime just by visiting here.” She gives a prayer to her father's grave and stands up solemnly. “Dad I want to introduce you to Mei, my little sister. Uhm… She's taller than me, and also smarter than me, but she's also clumsy and a bit violent but gets lonely too. You say something!”“I'll start by correcting you,” I say.“And so, I also have someone I can protect. That's what I came to report…” Someone to protect, huh? When all this time I was hurting you and looking down on you…”All right! TMission accomplished. Phew, I'm hungry, we should stop by a restaurant on our way home, right?” Yuzu says, cheerfully.My own concerns about my father feel ugly and minuscule… I kneel down and out put my hands together. A prayer? Before that, I owe him an apology. Sir… If you are watching over Yuzu, I am sure you saw all the awful things I did to her. From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. Never in my life have I met such a caring person. I apologize for always doubting her intentions when she's genuinely looking out for me. From this day forward, I'll try to be the sister she deserves. Please, rest in peace… As soon as I stood up, Yuzu grabbed my shoulders. She pressed her forehead against mine. She tries to say something but I interrupt her...“My dad's letters…” She let me in. She showed how she felt about her father. I feel I owe her the same courtesy. She laid herself bare before me, today. The least I can do is reciprocate. “... I never open them. I'm afraid to see what he thinks of me...Yuzu... Do you think I can still repair things with my dad?” What is wrong with me? How insensitive of me… She spent most of her life without a father…“Everything gonna be okay,” she says. “He’s my dad too now so I'll help you improve your relationship with him.”This girl… What did I ever do to deserve her? My big sister. I want to kiss her. She let go of my shoulders slid her hands across my sleeves… “Let me just put this away,” she points out to the tub and the ladle. “I’ll be back in a sec”I feel hot all of a sudden. Just a few minutes ago, I promised I will behave as her sister and then I think that I want to kiss her. What is wrong with me? I feel weak. I don't want Yuzu to see me like this. I get out of the cemetery. Once I was out of sight, all the strength from my knees disappeared. My body wobbled. With my back against the cemetery wall, I let myself sit. My heart and body are grew hot. I have to collect myself before Yuzu comes back. All those sleepless nights seem to have taken a toll on my body. “Mei? Mei! I told her to wait…” Yuzu voice seemed distant. She was less than 100 meters away. I support myself against the wall and manage to get up. By the time I wiped the sweat off my face with a Kleenex, Yuzu found me.“There you are, I thought you went home without me,” she said. Is that how little she thinks of me?“Let's head home,” I say.Yuzu: Yes!We walk in silence to the station. Does she want to hold hands still? I glance at her. She seems lost in thought… It seems rude to interrupt her.The train wasn't as crowded as it was in the morning, but we couldn't find two seats. Yuzu insisted that I take a vacant seat but I declined. We ended up standing up since neither of us yielded. The idea of either of us sitting on the other's lap crossed my mind. I feel embarrassed for thinking it, somehow. I used to do it with Himeko when we were younger and see where it got us. With what Yuzu did earlier… Come to think of it… It didn't scare me… Her body even felt… familiar… When Himeko did it, I was physically and emotionally repulsed. Sure, my body reacted to Yuzu's… I can't call it molestation… Anyway, she got a reaction out of my body, but I brushed it off easily enough when we got out of the train, compared to Himeko's advances. I suppose I toughened up. It's ridiculous that my frustration is compared to Yuzu's when I-… No. it's not ridiculous. What I did is wrong. Plain and simple. What Himeko did is wrong too. What Yuzu did is understandable. I can forgive her. Mine is the worse of all. Himeko probably did what she did because she was worried that I might be getting closer to Yuzu than I am to her. Her target was Yuzu and not me. That's just the way she it. She has a good heart, but she's clumsy and can get violent…
"She's taller than me, and also smarter than me, but she's also clumsy and a bit violent but gets lonely too."
This is the first time that I hear what she truly thinks of me. I could see why she thinks I'm violent, but why clumsy? And lonely? Yeah, she said I sleep-talked once and called dad. The clumsy bit could be mom's invention.“A seat opened up!” Yuzu said. I look at my watch… A good 25 minutes to go. We might as well sit down.She's uncharacteristically silent. She doesn't even steal glances from my general direction. Is it okay if I ask what's on her mind?“Yuzu?” I call out to her.“Eh? Yes?” She’s pulled out of her reverie. “It's not that I mind, but you don't usually keep silent…”“I was just thinking this is the first time I've taken someone to my dad's grave.”“Doesn't mom go with you?“She goes on his Birthday. She doesn't like to go on his Death anniversary… I don't even bring it up. She was opposed to me going at first, but by the time I got to middle-school, she said I could go on my own. I'm happy you accepted to go with me.”  She gave me the best of smiles.“So today, was his passing away anniversary…”“Oh! It's actually yesterday. I couldn't ask you Friday, so…”“November the 13th… From now on, I'll come with you…”“Thank you…”No, thank you. “You're welcome.”Looking back, the first thought I had when I learned that I had a stepsister was that I had to fight her and push her away from Father... Now, I want to share him with her. I am selfishly sharing her mother, after all. Her mother must have loved Yuzu's dad. I can't imagine it any other way… Not wanting to commemorate his passing away after thirteen years is a testament to her faithfulness. I hope she's half as faithful to Father.“Are you okay?” Yuzu asks. “You seem thirsty.”
"I also have someone I can protect"
Is it okay for me to accept her kindness? “Actually, yes, I kind of am.” There's a comfortable intimacy in admitting my weakness to her.She rummages in her bag and fishes out a half filled bottle of water. “I already used it. You can have it if you don't mind.”Why would I? “I don't. Thank you.”“Y-You're welcome.”I gulp down the water. It hits the spot! Yuzu got increasingly flustered as I drank. How insensitive of me. I drank all of it! “I'm sorry. I didn't think you wanted some…”“That’s not it!”“What is it then?”“Nevermind!”I give her a questioning look but she covers face with both her hands. She remains like that for the rest of the trip home.xxx I managed to stay up until dinner. Yuzu wanted us to watch a movie together.“Please!” She pleads. I can somehow feel mom smiling from the other corner of the living room.“I want to sleep,” I say“Come on, we never do anything fun together.”“Maybe later.”“Promise?”“Promise.”She gives me one of those smiles. She shuts the TV off. “Then let's go to bed.”Yuzu and I went to bed together. She's past getting flustered when we go to bed. If we hug now, will I get like I did on the train? This is different from the dream I had a week ago. This is a physiological reaction. The dream was my subconscious playing tricks on me. It was probably an accident but she landed on an erogenous zone of mine. I wonder where hers are…xxxWaking up today was a struggle. By the time I got to the bathroom, Yuzu was already finished with her make up. I still manage to get out of the house before she did. On the way to school, I find Himeko waiting at the usual spot, looking dejected. I immediately started talking about the board meeting and the upcoming student council meeting. I didn't leave the room for discussions on other matters. Knowing her, she probably wanted to justify why she followed us. I managed to keep on speaking until we reach school. We met Maruta-senpai at the gate.We performed our morning duties. They seemed more cumbersome than usual. While I was patrolling I catch Taniguchi's voice. “But who were you in love with? I mean to cut such a pretty hair is such a shame!”Sure enough, Yuzu's voice followed. “D-don't say that! You'll make me doubt myself.”When those two are together, they're always up to no good. Taniguchi is definitely being a bad influence on Yuzu. Disappointing, considering how her sister was the former student council president. “What are you two doing over there?”“Mei!” Yuzu  said.“Yuzu-chi is cutting her hair to get over her love.”“H-Hey!” Yuzu jumped to cover up Taniguchi's mouth. It seems she doesn't want me to hear this.“Must you do this at school, while wearing your uniforms?” I say. “Keep in mind how others view the school through you. Act appropriately.”Raising my voice caused a ringing in my head. I can't deal with them now. I'll speak to them properly after the meetings.xxx Himeko didn't leave my side all day. She didn't bring up yesterday's events. I'm grateful for-…I tripped! The papers I was carrying scattered!“President!”  Himeko’s shout rings in my head!“Keep your voice down, I just tripped.”“Haven't you worked yourself too hard? I think you should skip the meeting today.” She puts her hand on my shoulder. Memories of what she did resurface. I shove them back where they belong.“I said I'm fine!”“You don't seem fine... I'll ask someone to come…”That is it! I slap her hand off my shoulder. “Cut it out already! You wouldn't be able to take my place. Would you?”“Hey!” Yuzu came out of nowhere and put herself between Himeko and me. “Whatever's going on with you that's crossing the line! Momokino-san was just worried about you, Mei!”Why is everyone shouting today?! “I know that without... you.. telling me…”I struggle to get the words out… Things are getting blurry…“Mei?” Yuzu’s voice seems distant… I can't breathe.“This is about all I can do…” Yuzu's voice is clearer. I feel cool around my neck… I can breathe more regularly. I feel a soft surface beneath me... A bed? I open my eyes… It took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the light. A white ceiling. I distinguish Yuzu's bright hair in the corner of my field of vision. “Where am I?”“This is the nurse's office,” Yuzu explains “I think you have a fever, you should rest until the nurse returns.”I must have collapsed. How shameful. “No. it's fine now. No need to worry.” If this gets out, at least a few members of the board will think our family is prone to collapsing. “Wha? I said no! You need to rest!” As soon as I started to get up, Yuzu reached over and pushed me down.“I have a student council meeting and a school board meeting. If I don't go they can't start.”“You collapsed exactly because you're forcing yourself like that! Didn't grandpa collapse the same way?!”Not that I expected her to understand. “I'm fine, so get out of my way!” Since reasoning with her didn't work, I’ll use force…“No matter what I'm not letting you go!” She pushed me down even harder. I can't overpower her in my state. How pathetic. If I can't go through her, how can I get through both meetings… I'm worthless… She was angry… That's the first time I've seen her like this. It's different from that time in the bedroom. She was frustrated then. Now, she seems determined to have things her way…The clock ticks loudly. I feel hot and struggle to breathe. I feel embarrassed by Yuzu looking at me in this state.“Hey Mei… Yesterday, were you in equally bad shape when I took you along with me?” She asls “If so, I'm sorry. I'm a failure as a big sister…”“So now you try and act all mature,” I say. “I went with you yesterday because I wanted to. Don’t beat yourself up over it.” I know how guilty she can feel. I hope she doesn’t convince herself It’s her fault. If there's anything I don't like about her is her tendency to apologize for everything. Concern is written all over her face. I don't think she's listening.“Why are you working till you're sick like this?” She asks “A student who works is weird in the first place.”I turn the other way. I can't stand that expression of hers. I state the obvious.“This school belongs to my family. I have to take care of it.”“So what? You’re still a kid! What about your dad, Mei? Shouldn’t he be helping out? I mean he’s an adult, then you could take it easy!” A snigger escaped me. What do you know? That's not fair to her… She is probably not aware of the situation… I don't know how much mom knows and how much of it she has told Yuzu. This whole marriage seems like a farce, sometimes. However, Yuzu is certainly not part of the masquerade, she's just a naive girl caught up in it… “I'd really like that too. For someone who always speaks without thinking, you can say some smart things sometimes. If that day does come, my hard work will pay off.”Another expression I never saw her make… Even though I can't read her expressions sometimes, I love how everything she thinks and feels is displayed as is. She closed her eyes and seemed to think hard about something. “All right!” She got up from the bedside stool that she was sitting on. “The nurse isn't coming so let's first get your fever down. You have to be healthy. Oh, right! Momokino san!”“Himeko?” “The fever made you grumpy. You said some really mean things to her.” She pressed her index finger against my forehead. “When you get better you apologize, okay? 'cause after that, we all go to the amusement park!Don't you dare move from that be ‘till I'm back!”Amusement park? Why does she defend Himeko? Is she aware that Himeko hates her? Come to think of it, Himeko did mention the amusement park... Yuzu brought my bag and called a cab for us. We got in and Yuzu gave him the address.“Put your head here,”  she tapped on her thighs. What is she thinking! This is different from the train! Before I get the chance to reply, she pulled me down and forced my head on her lap. “ Sir, you don't mind if she puts her feet on the seat, do you? She has a fever…”“Be my guest, young lady,” the driver said. “As long as she takes off her shoes…”“Do you need help?” Yuzu beams at me. I sigh. I take off my shoes. I make myself comfortable. I don't want to make a scene. I know exactly what kind of expression she's making… I look up. She doesn't seem flustered… She strokes my head absentmindedly while looking at the window… Strange…I dozed off in the cab despite it being a ten minutes ride. Yuzu had to wake me up. She paid the driver and thanked him before turning to me.“Can you walk?” She asks me. “Of course, I can!” I feel dizzy. I start walking toward the building. Yuzu catches up with me and supports me. “Stop that!” My own voice rings inside my head.  “If you haven't noticed, you walk like a drunkard!”I made a complete fool of myself today. It's a blessing none of this happened at the Board Meeting. We managed to get to our apartment.“I'm gonna prepare a bath for you. Just go under the shower for a bit. I'll bring you a change of clothes.”The idea of her going through my undergarments displeases me. Even now, she just wants to ogle me as I-…She seems focused on checking the bath temperature. She doesn't pay attention to me…I get under the shower. Once she seemed satisfied with the bath water temperature she stands up and instruct me on what to do: “Get in. Keep the door unlocked.”What is she playing at?“No,” I refuse to keep the door unlocked.“Listen! You dozed off in the cab! What's keeping you from doing the same here?” She says.I hate to admit it, but I can't argue with that fact. “Alright,” I say, begrudgingly.I get into the bath. It's tepid. “It's not very warm,” Yuzu says, noticing my expression. “I know, but that's what's gonna get your fever down. I'm gonna make you some tea and chicken soup.”She's different from her usual self. She talks without stuttering and is pushy about every single little thing. Does she think she's gained the upper hand? The water feels nice... I close my eyes and let myself enjoy it… As she predicted, I dozed off. She had to give me a flick on the forehead so I could wake up. I put on the clothes she prepared and headed to our room. She came in just as I was getting into the bed. She carried a platter with a bowel and two cups.She gives me the water first with a pill. I gulped it down. Then she hands me the soup. It smells nice. The taste though…“What's this?” I ask“Chicken soup with garlic,” She says. “It's good for the fever.”“I can't-…”“It's either this or suppositories.”I look at her. She's not kidding. With how she's been acting she just might do it…I drink the soup from the bowl. The faster I get this over with, the better.“Good girl!” She praises me as if I was a puppy.“Don't get full of yourself,” I say.“I won't,” She beams. Before now, I never noticed how much she resembles her mother.“Here, have some tea.” I take it off her hand. Spicy! “What is WRONG with you?”“There is ginger and honey in there.”“Let me guess… Good for the fever.”“As expected from the brightest student in our school! Now, drink up!”I'm being made fun of. This is humiliating. The phone rung.“By the time I come back,” she says. “I want that tea gone.”I guess I have no choice. I'm glad she's not always like this.She came back and checked the cup. With a satisfied nod, she picked up the platter.Yuzu: With this, you should be able to sleep better.Me: Who was on the phone.Yuzu: Momokino-san. She says not to worry.Me: Why didn't you call me?Yuzu: You need to rest. Forget about the student council for now.Me: Who do you think you are?Yuzu: Your big sister.Me: Do you seriously consider yourself…She glared at me.Yuzu: I'm gonna let that go, this time. The fever is making you all moody. If your fever doesn't drop, you're not going to school tomorrow. That's the end of this discussion. Good night.She went out of the room without looking back.What was that?xxx I woke up. 6 AM. It seems my fever dropped. I put the thermometer in my mouth and waited for thirty seconds. 37. Yuzu is sleeping soundly beside me. I poke her cheek with the tip of the thermometer. “Yuzu, wake up!”She opens her eyes.“Look,” I say. “You can't complain now.”She takes the thermometerand reads the screen with a satisfied look. “Hm-hm! You look better and you're not moody, so you can go to school”“Wow, listen to you…”“I'm your big sister after all!”xxx Yuzu refused to say anything about what Himeko told her yesterday. “You can ask her yourself.”Yuzu tied her hair in a simple braid and didn't put on any makeup so she could walk to school with me. We found Himeko at her usual spot. Yuzu nudged me. She doesn't need to tell me.Himeko seemed concerned. She didn't notice me as I walked up to her. “Himeko, good morning,” I greet her. “President! Are you okay?” She asks.“Yes. I apologize for having worried you. But most importantly, I apologize for yelling at you yesterday. I hope having to attend the meetings in my stead didn't prove diffi-…”She jumped and hugged me. She smothered me! “Meimei!”“Himeko, I can't breathe!”Yuzu went ahead. When Himeko finally let go of me, we started walking.“Say, Meimei…” Himeko says. “Let me ask you this, and I won't cause you any problems after that. How do you feel about that girl?”“I… I think she's not a bad girl… She talks without thinking, but she's stupidly honest. You two aren't so different, you know?”I glanced at her. Is that a smile? From what I gathered from the rest of the members of the student council, Himeko handled herself remarkably. The position of vice-president is appointed by the president herself, so I didn't have high expectations for her leadership abilities. I only chose her on the premise that she would never betray me.I always had confidence in my ability to judge character. Well, I'm glad to have been proven wrong.At lunchtime, Yuzu came to the Student Council Room along with Taniguchi.“This room has a bad vibe…” Taniguchi says, “It reminds me of my big sis…” “Mei, Momokino-san, let's all have lunch together,” Yuzu says “We have to plan our trip to the amusement park!” I'm glad only Himeko and I are here.“I don't remember agreeing to go…”Yuzu and Himeko had surprised looks. “Just as I thought… “ Taniguchi says “Yuzu-chi, let's go, just the two of us… Vice-prez, you can come too, if you want.”“I think I'll pass.,” Himeko says. “I don't remember disagreeing either,” I say.Taniguchi gave me a questioning look.“Oh, yeah!” Yuzu says “You had a fever, but I told you that we're going when you were in the infirmary.”“Told me?” I say. “When you want people to go with you, you have to ask them properly.”“Are you serious?” Taniguchi says, exasperated. We all look at Taniguchi. There was an underlying anger in her question. Did she address me?”“Are you talking to me?” I ask.“No, I was thinking out loud about something,” she says.The other two relaxed, but I can tell she addressed me.“So, wanna go with us?” She asks me. “Let’s talk about this at home, Yuzu.”Taniguchi is annoyed. Is she against Yuzu inviting me? She's always joined the hip with Yuzu… Is she jealous Yuzu values me more she does her. It’s natural, I’m her sister. xxxToday, Yuzu skipped PE, telling the teacher she was on her period. I know it isn't the case. It is too early… I know it because we are two days apart. Something is up. I'll go home early to check on her.When I got home, I spotted her in the living room. She is so engrossed in reading a book she didn't notice me come in.I approach the back of the couch. I look at what she is reading. It is the second volume of the Peach Sisters manga.The previous volume ended on a cliffhanger. I wonder what happens next… She didn't throw it away, did she? She said the Art was beautiful… I suppose it is. The story has quite an intrigue to it…“You sure like that manga, don't you?” I ask.She let out a scream. The manga flew out of her hands. “Mei! Why are you here?”“At least read that in our room. What if mom comes early?” Her face grows redder than a tomato.“Also, refrain from lying to the teachers,” I go on “I'll have to report you if you do this again…”Since I came home early, I might as well do my homework and have Saturday to myself. Yuzu is probably still planning on pestering me about going to the amusement park, so it is more efficient to work when she's in disarray.She didn't move from the couch since I came home. She was visibly agonizing about being caught. I worked on the dinner table since it had more space than the desk in our room.By the time I finished my homework, she was holding her face. She was clearly thinking hard about the manga. She acted all relaxed and assertive when I collapsed, yet now she seems all flustered and vulnerable. Looking back, I think she acted like that because I was vulnerable. I approached her from behind and whispered in her ear: “Onee-chan, I love you.”  Sorry, but this is payback. “The art for that beach scene with the sunset was beautiful. Page 146 of Volume 1, was it?”She slumped against the couch and stayed there. xxxAfter Taniguchi's open display of hostility, two days ago, I don't feel like going with them. She probably wanted to take Yuzu alone. Yuzu probably thought of inviting me at the last minute and disrupted her plans. I couldn't give an answer on the spot when they asked me, back in the student council room. Yuzu, however, pestered me about it for four days. It seemed it was all we talked about lately. At lunch, on Saturday, Yuzu brought it up again.“I said I don't want to be in the way of you and Taniguchi,” I say/“But Harumin doesn't mind!” Yuzu insisted/“Enough!” Mom intervened “I thought you could sort it out on your own, but since you can't, I'm putting my foot down! Mei, you're going with them tomorrow!”“Don't you think it's favoritism on your part?” I challenge mom. “What?”“Yuzu always gets her way… I-…” I sound like a brat, but that’s a fact. “No, I don't!” Yuzu says.I ignore her. I look mom in the eyes. She gives me a mischievous smile. “See? This isn't about Yuzu…” She says. “It's about you. You're not having enough fun… I guess Sho-san should know about that little burnout you had a few days ago…”I grit my teeth.“No!” Yuzu shouts! We both look at her. “I want her to go because she wants to!”My arm was twisted. If it weren't for Yuzu's timely intervention, who knows where the stalemate between me and mom would have ended? “Fine, I'll go.,” I say. “I had nothing planned for tomorrow, anyway…Mom laughs.Yuzu and I cleared the table and did the dishes. Mom was relaxing in front of the TV with a beer. Yuzu got a call and went to take it in our room. So I joined mom on the couch. “About me collapsing…” “I didn't scold you, 'cause I thought Yuzu did a good enough job on her own,” she says. It is beyond me how she says the most outrageous things while smiling. Yuzu didn't scold me! But that's beside the point. She speaks again as I take too long to come up with a retort.“I won't tell Sh. I don't want to make him worry either, but you have to understand your well-being is my responsibility. If my words and your sister's words aren't enough to make you take care of yourself, a higher authority in the family should intervene. I'm sure he'd do the same if things were reversed, and Yuzu wasn't taking care of herself.”Words fail me. She doesn't get it, yet she talks like she knows everything! It's Yuzu's fault that I haven't been sleeping well these last couple of weeks. Plus, from where does she come off scolding me?! Yuzu's the one who ran away from home! I had to go and look for her! Even though she knew where she was, she USED me to get her back! She clearly favors Yuzu in everything, and she pretends she doesn't!“I called Momokino-san!” Yuzu says “She's coming too!”“Since when did you and Himeko call each other on the phone?” I ask.“Well, she told me to let her know if I manage to convince you.”I don't know how to feel about that. “Please, refrain from being a nuisance to her in the future.”“Harsh!”“How would you feel if I talked to Taniguchi behind your back?”“What do you mean behind my back ? You're free to talk to her.”Doesn't she get it?“My, my! Mei-chan, you're quite possessive, aren't you?” Mom says in her annoying tone.Argh! This is annoying! “I'm going to sleep. Good night.”xxx We met with Himeko first, then we went to the amusement park. Taniguchi was waiting for us near the entrance. As soon as she spotted us she came running. “Hi Prez! Hi vice-prez! Hello, Yuzu-chi!” She hugged Yuzu and kissed her on the cheek. Yuzu doesn't seem to mind this inappropriate behavior. “You look so cute! A little boyish, but I like it!”Yuzu broke away from her and twirled. “I know, right!” She says. “ It's super easy to move into.”It is true that the outfit Yuzu picked is rather charming, but did Taniguchi have to comment on it outrightly?I picked up a guide at the entrance since nobody seemed sensible enough to do so.“Yours, on the other hand…” Himeko says “Let me put it this way: I hope you don't intend to wear these clothes to school Taniguchi-san.” Himeko's sharp tongue comes in handy, sometimes…“Don't give me that, vice-prez!” Taniguchi says, unphased. The guide is… exhaustive. Yuzu said they haven't got anything planned, so we just walked for a bit. I haven't been here since I was little. I wonder if they still got that bear house…Bearian! I loved to hug him when I was little! I can't help but feel a little jealous of the kids swarming around him. They seem to have so much fun…“Does Prez like Bearian?” Taniguchi's voice pulls me out of my reverie. Why is she keeping tabs on me?“No, I don't,” I say. “Let's go.”“Hah, a pity,” Himeko says.“Guess we'll be going to the Bear House,” Yuzu says.“That's an attraction?” Taniguchi asks as if there’s something wrong with it. She’s really starting to annoy me. “But she said she doesn't like it,” Himeko says. “Mei is always dishonest, just like a cat,” Yuzu says something outrageous.  “Are you pretending to know her better than me?!”“I'm her sister, after all!”“You've been sisters for three months! I've been with her since childhood!”This is going to be a long day…xxxAs time went by, we spontaneously assumed a given formation: Taniguchi and Yuzu walked side by side while Himeko and I followed. For all the pestering I went through, you'd expect Yuzu to spend at least some time with me… “Mei! Want to take a picture with me at the photo booth?” Yuzu turned to me as we pass a photobooth.“You just want to keep Meimei for yourself! I won't allow it!” Himeko interferes.“Come on vice-Prez. Yuzu-chi just wants to commemorate their first day out as sisters!” Taniguchi jumps to Yuzu’s defense. She’s too protective of Yuzu. It’s none of her business. Yuzu asked me. Therefore, I and I alone have a say when it comes to Yuzu’s request. It is not our first day out. Somehow, that information seems too precious to share… I’m pleased Yuzu didn’t tell her about our most intimate time together. “Alright,” I say. “Let's take a picture. All of us…”Even Taniguchi seems satisfied with this proposal. At the booth, Taniguchi lifts the blinds. “The sisters first, then vice-prez and me.”We lined up so that Yuzu and I would appear at the bottom of the picture, Himeko above me, and Taniguchi above Yuzu. The space isn't designed for four people, so it feels a little cramped. Yuzu's chest touches my side. I hope this doesn't turn into something strange. The others are above us. I steal a glance off Yuzu… The's blushing…“Aihara Yuzu! Stop wha-…” Himeko shouts“Alright everyone say’-…” Taniguchi says.  The camera flashes at the exact moment Yuzu and I look at each other. “... cheese… I guess 30 seconds wasn't enough…”. She gets out and looks at the picture. “This is so good! Vice-prez looks so funny!Himeko follows her. “What! No! Let's take another one!”“No way! Yuzu-chi and prez look so cute in it!”Yuzu and I get out and wait as the other two argue.“Don't you want to see the picture?” Yuzu asks. I'm nervous. I guess she is too. That picture took us by surprise. I know how she looks at me, and I guess she knows how I look at her. It’s ironic that I don’t know how I look at her. The picture had a revelation  that has too much weight to take lightly, but I want to see it. “I do,” I say. Taniguchi was already putting text over the picture. Despite Himeko's indignation, she printed four copies. She handed us two of them. Each of us took a copy. Taniguchi kept on teasing Himeko. They walked ahead of us.Taniguchi is right. Yuzu does look cute. I glance at Yuzu. She’s smiling. “What do you think?” She asks.  “It’s not bad,” I say.  “I’m happy the four of us are making memories together.” She beams. I see… We are slowly letting each other into our respective worlds. I don't think I can get along with Taniguchi… But if Yuzu trusts her. There's nothing I can do about it. “Let's take another... just the two of us,” I say.“Alright!” We joined up with Himeko and Taniguchi at the exit.“Aihara Yuzu! We came here to spend time together!”  Himeko reprimands Yuzu as soon as she sees us. “Why did you take the president against her-…”“It was I who asked her to stay behind,” I interrupt her. Himeko, slightly dumbfounded, looks at Taniguchi. Taniguchi smiles. Himeko averts crosses her arms her eyes. I guess Taniguchi won an argument they were having about Yuzu and me.We resume our natural formation, except this time, Himeko and I were in front.“That was awesome!” Taniguchi says. Of course she’d feel that way. She hogged Yuzu all day.“I suppose this is fun once in a while,” Himeko agrees with her. She was with me, I don’t see how she had fun. Besides, Yuzu and Taniguchi teased her all day.“When we get back we have to study,” I remind them of what’s important.“Don't bring that up in a theme park!” Taniguchi protests. What does she have against me?“Next time, I'll score in the top 10!” I like Himeko’s attitude. “I think I'll fail the test!” Taniguchi says. She is definitely a bad influence on Yuzu…“Results are one thing,” I try some damage control, “but learning is what's important.”“Prez is always first, so that doesn't mean much…” Taniguchi is being a bitch to me. I don’t know why. She speaks about me in the third person, as if she’s not acknowledging my presence. “Yuzu-chi? Are you okay?”We all turn arounf. We left Yuzu behind without realizing it. Yuzu shuffled to us.“Everything is fine!” Yuzu says.“You forgot about the exams, didn't you?” She may fool the others, but I know her too well. More than Taniguchi, at the very least.Yuzu gasps.I knew it…xxx After the trip to the amusement park, Yuzu became a little more relaxed around me. It felt like we finally learned how to behave like sisters. I'm glad we put what we did to each other behind us.I'm starting to think that she has extreme reactions whether or not the feeling is extreme. I don't know why I thought they were exclusive to me. For example, last Thursday, she cried all night because she was unable to hide her phone in her cleavage… She didn't stop until I told her we were the same size... To which she replied: "Harumin says we can become bigger if you massage them… so do you think we can…". Her ability to go from adorably stupid to stupidly stupid in the span of seconds baffles me. She reacts extremely to everything and that makes her behavior quite erratic and unpredictable.Today is another example of her "extreme" reactions.She dropped a teddy bear while running away from Himeko. I picked it up. It was so adorable, I couldn't help but not want her to lose it. So I called her name, but she kept on running while looking toward my general direction, which was opposite wherever she was going. The way she hit the wall was spectacular, to say the least.She ended up with a nasty bruise, so I took her to the infirmary. While she was disinfecting the bruise, I occupied myself with fixing the teddy bear. Knowing her, she'd just throw it away.“Ahh! What a huge bandage! How uncool!” She says, looking a t mirror.“Better than walking around with a bruise showing,” I say.“What are you doing over there?”“I'm fixing up this little guy,” I say. She sits beside me and stares at my handiwork. “What?” You're distracting me.“Well... You know... You're clumsier than I thought.” She says. She did say I was clumsy once. Nobody has ever said that to  me. “Let me,” she takes the teddy bear off my hand. “There and there…” I admit, she is more skillful than I am. She's alright now, I might as well head back.“Well then, I should go back to the student council room,” I say. “Mei-chan, Mei-chan. Thank you so much!” She says in a small voice. She was acting as if she was talking for the teddy bear. My heart skipped a beat.  “Here, meet your new mama,” she hands the teddy to me and goes out.“Wait!” I follow her. I fixed for her... Well, she fixed, but it’s hers. I can’t take such a cute “Take care of Anthoniko, okay?” She winks and runs off.“Anthoniko, huh?” Well, it IS cute… I suppose we have a least ONE thing in common now. xxx With mom dogging me about keeping healthy, and Yuzu keeping me up late at night I resorted to an old habit of mine: napping at the rooftop at school, after the lunch break.For some reason, when I woke up today, Yuzu was on my right and Himeko on my left and we all have been sharing a cover.“This looks fun sleeping together at noon,” Taniguchi's voice came from behind me.I look at her. “Am I awake?” I ask. She looked at me, dumbfounded, then giggled, “No.”xxx Since Yuzu came into my life, many of my habits took a serious hit. One, in particular, is reading. Before meeting her, I used to read three novels a month on average. Now, the only time I have to myself is when I sleep. I really miss reading. I first started reading this American novel, "Into the forest" by Jean Hegland, before I met her. It's about two sisters trapped in a forest in a pseudo-post-apocalyptic scenario. I picked it on a whim, but I have this firm belief that books, somehow, pick you. I carried it with me for three months reading it sporadically.Yuzu and I came to an agreement that we'll stay out of each other's ways today. She had the living room to herself with the TV, while I stayed in our room.There is nothing I look forward to as much as I do reading novels. I have my tea and cookies ready. I sit on our bed, remove my bookmark, put it aside and scan the page...
"... and so I returned to novels to supply me with thoughts and emotions and sensations, to give me a life other than my own suspended one."
For a few minutes, my mind went blank. I couldn't read further. Authors sometimes are careless with their words. They write without concern for the person reading. Maybe it's the other way around. Perhaps, they want to uncover your innermost lies. The lies you believed. Perhaps, it's just an accident.Before coming here, I spent my life worrying about father, studying, performing my duties and reading novels in my free time. It was orderly and… maybe not perfect, but there was a comfort… Then came along Yuzu who imbued everything with chaos and uncertainty. I can handle mom rather well. If there is something I like about her, it is that she doesn't pry. Yuzu, on the other hand, can't leave me alone. She is never satisfied until things go her way.Did she put my life in motion? Is that why I'm not reading as often as I used to do?She invades even my private time!She's got to take responsibility for this!I go to the living room, book in hand. She's sitting cross-legged on the couch, watching a movie, while chewing on some Pocky sticks.I stand behind the couch.“Can I have some?” I ask“Hm?” She looks at me“Pocky.”She holds the box in an inviting manner. I'm not interested in those. I close my eyes, lean in and start chewing on the one she's holding in her mouth. She chews on too. Is she challenging me? I won't let her win. I chew again. She adjusts her position. She's serious about this. She makes sure not to break the stick. I follow her movement to assist her in this endeavor. I'm starting to regret this, but I can't get out of it now. “I'm home!” Mom’s voice came out from the hallway. It broke.“W-Welcome home!” Yuzu and I say in unison. God! I hurry to our room. Yuzu followed suit.“What are you doing?” I ask her reprimandingly. “I should ask you that!” She retorts.She has a point. “Girls? The TV's on! turn it off when you're finished!” Mom scolds us from afar. It's Yuzu who left it on, but I'll share the blame just this oncexxx After yesterday's failed attempt at getting her out of my mind, I adopted a different approach. It seems I get more done when she's beside me but doing something else.She was engrossed in reading something. If she is half as engrossed as she was when reading that manga, it's good enough. I sit beside her. She gives me a brief glance, then goes back to reading. Perfect! I hold two sheets of papers side by side. I'm comparing club budget distribution of the two previous years. Taniguchi-senpai was perfect in her decisions in that regards.“Should I join the student council as well?” She takes one of the sheets out of my hand. My plan is already going awry. “Cause I said I'd help you out, but I can't do anything from the outside.” Is she serious? My student-council time os the only Yuzu-free time I have! “If you did join,” I say, “you'd just be giving Himeko and me more work. How about you start by following school rules.” I take back the sheet and go back to compare. Where was I.“Right, 'cause I'm just a nuisance, huh?” A tickling sensation runs up my back.  She stroked my back using a pen! The papers fell out of my hand. What is wrong with her? “Is miss a bit ticklish!” She's amused. For a split second, I think about slapping her.
"... she's also clumsy and a bit violent "
I take a deep breath and pick up the sheets from the floor. I think about an article I read. In an effort to understand her intentions, I looked up her personality type and she turned out to be an "extrovert", while I stand more on the "introvert" end of the spectrum. It helped me predict her reaction more accurately. A study showed extroverted people think introverted behavior is a call for help. They think that problem-solving is better handled in teams, through discussion. They also need things to be spelled out for them. I do just that: “You idiot, I'm not looking for your attention.”Working beside her was clearly a wrong choice.“Aw, sorry! Thought you could use a break!” She says. “I don't have time for this. It's my problem, got it? Your help is useless. Play big sister all you want, just don't interfere with me.”“Okay…” She slumps on the couch. Just like that? Wow… She's usually more opinionated…The doorbell rang.“Huh? Did mom forget her key?” Yuzu wonders. I suppose it's likely. She's always drinking beer, so she's bound to become forgetful with time. Yuzu went to open the door. I stay in the living room. Now I have to think of a different approach... Let's look at the root of the problem. Why does she always pop into my head?“Uuurgh! Pervert! Stop!” Yuzu’s voice came out of the hallway, followed by a scream” “Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”. Her scream tears my heart! Images of kidnappings and murders flash in my mind. I run to the hallway.“Yuzu?” I check the hallway. A man is hugging Yuzu against her will…He looks different but… Father?

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Spring 2010
 Thirty-Five…Ayame and the girls from work invited me to "celebrate" my birthday, but it went downhill fast…"Why did Shigeru-san leave?" Ayame interrupted a joke I was telling. The four of us have been through a lot together. They all scold me bluntly, but Ayame is on another level. She's known me the longest..."Aya-san!" Kei protested. She's always the pacemaker."No. Ayame's right," Ibuki said. "What better day than her birthday to remind her she's not getting any younger?" Her tongue was as sharp as her mind."I don't know... " I said, wanting this conversation to end as soon as possible."He was a weird one anyway," Kei tried to bail me out, "He glares at everyone.""Yuzu-chan thinks so too!""Don't you think, that's the problem?" Ayame said.Ayame thought that I've been using Yuzu as an excuse for the past thirteen years."Yes," Ibuki said, who started to see where Ayame was coming from after having given me the benefit of the doubt for too long, "All the guys leave within a few weeks after meeting Yuzu""Maybe they're just not ready for the responsibility of having a child," said Kei, bless her heart."No. That's not it…" said Ibuki "Before setting her up, we always make sure that they're okay with it.""Besides who wouldn't love Yuzu-chan?" I said in a desperate attempt to convince them that Yuzu had nothing to do with it."See… That's what I'm talking about…" said Ayame with a deep sigh.Ayame is pregnant. She is expecting twins. She already has two children and had helped me a lot with raising Yuzu. She always thought I was overprotective of Yuzu. When Yuzu started dressing up, she's the one who scolded her. She got so angry when I told her I didn't mind…Today she's different from her usual self. She'd shout at me instead of asking why a man left me. Maybe she's trying to watch herself with the pregnancy…"Yuzu is sweet and all, Ume," said Ibuki "but in a few years, she's gonna leave… she'll meet someone… What I'm trying to say is…""I know…" I interrupted the conversation I heard many times from my late parents."Ume…" Even Kei couldn't come up with anything to alleviate the weight of such a topic."Ume…" Unphased, Ayame continued, "A man needs to feel he's number one in your priorities"."We're not asking you to do that… " said Ibuki "We're all mothers, we all get better at pretending at some point…""Not pretending…" said Kei, "being sensitive to your partner's needs..."" Whoever doesn't accept that Yuzu is number one for me," I said, "can't accept the real me.""Ume, there won't be another Yan-san…" Ayame saidThe other two looked at her.She said it nonchalantly. She knows how to push my buttons. She says it each time I defend being dumped. She always thinks I am in the wrong whenever a relationship falls apart and that, deep down, I just don't want to let go of Yanni's memory.I knew Yanni since middle school. He was always being shunned out. He was Greek, so he had blonde hair and green eyes. He stood out.Children are scary. Or rather, unfiltered emotions are. I don't think any of us knew what we felt towards this different boy. We picked on him. I did as the other kids did.In high school, girls took an interest in him. Mainly girls who didn't go to our middle school. Your past never leaves you, though. Rumors started going around that he was gay... By the time we got to the third year, it was accepted as fact. We've been in the same classes since middle school and never spoke to each other. Yet, in that class, he was my only acquaintance.I wasn't brilliant at studying and I didn't have anything special about me. The first semester went on without me making any new friends. My friends from the other classes made new friends and we drifted apart little by little. When our school trip came around, I didn't have a group. The leftovers were me, Yanni and Ayame. If it weren't for Yanni, Ayame and I would never have become friends and would have not gone to that trip.As the groups submitted their names, Yanni came to me. "You don't have a group, right? That girl over there doesn't either. Go ask her." He said that and went away. I sensed that he was pissed. Months later, when I asked him, he told me that he was furious. "People wouldn't refuse you and yet you stared into space like an idiot, how do you suppose that made me feel?". The girl he directed me to was Ayame. She did not seem enthused by my invitation but she said yes anyway. Years later, she admitted that she didn't want to appear too eager. Ah! Youth!Our group ended up consisting of Ayame, Yanni and I.This group persevered through graduation. We all went to the same university. We weren't brilliant, so it's nothing to be proud of…Days went by, and hardships drove us closer than ever… This codependency led Ayame and I both to fall in love with Yanni, and him to fall in love with both of us… I did believe him, Ayame didn't.In the long weeks that followed his passing away, on one of the nights that Ayame slept with me, I asked her why she stepped aside. She said: "You accepted him for who he was, I didn't."Ayame is always harsh on herself.By the time I was 30, my parents and Ayame started a new movement: "Get yourself a husband". Both my parents passed away when I was 33. I'm glad mom didn't have to live without my dad for long, if anything.Getting married again felt pointless after that among all things.I feel guilty about always going out with men who'd bail out once they find out I have a daughter. Kei and Ibuki noticed this so they started setting me up.Sometimes I think all Yuzu knows about boys and men is what she reads in shoujo manga and the hazy memories she has of her father… When she started talking about boys and asking me about my dates, I regretted my nonchalance… She's at an age where she needs a father figure or a big brother figure..."Ayame, you're wrong," I said. "Yanni was the right one then. I'm not the me from then. Maybe I'll find another right one, but if I don't, that's okay too. I'll just break you up with your husband. I know you love me!"For the first time in my life, I denied that Yanni's memory haunted me. For Yuzu's sake I have to move on. Better late than never, I guess."Okay, now for your gift…" Ayame said, enthused all of a sudden "Girls!""Oh! You shouldn't have…" I tried to sound polite.Kei and Ibuki jumped me."Stop it! We're grown women for God's sake!"It took me a moment to realize what their goal was. Kei and Ibuki incapacitated me while Ayame took away my wedding ring."I love you too, you know?" Kei said, hugging me."I think you're nice. Nothing more" said IbukiAyame smiled, pleased with herself." I guess, now I'm available..." I said, deciding to let go of the wedding ring I wore for 16 years. xxx Everyone says Yuzu needs a strict male figure in her life or she'd fall into an abusive relationship. I'm not male and I am not very good at being strict either. I genuinely think Yuzu is cute in her little outfits. I did tell her to stop once she gets in high school because she'd have to think about her studies more. She replied: "It's not like looking cute will affect my studies..."It's not like I've been studious myself. So I had to consult Ibuki. who apparently was top of her class in high school, on how to get her to dress normally. "In the end, we graduated from the same college… It's just a phase! Let her get it out of her system! Don't let Ayame get to you". Ibuki said she regretted being the "good girl" in high school. As a result, she spent her time at the university as a certified slut (her words, not mine). She says she regrets that too.As parents, we project our hopes and regrets on our children… Every parent has something to say about parenting, but in truth, none of us have a clue. In a way, our children raise us too…That's where Kei comes in handy. She's simple-minded, but sometimes comes up with solutions that should have been obvious… No such luck that time around. She said the school her girl goes to is in charge of enforcing the dress code. I don't want Yuzu to be pressured into that. Maybe I can convince her that'd she'd look cute in proper clothes…Sometimes I think a parent's job is to worry even when there's nothing to worry about.If she dressed more modestly I'd be less concerned about her safety. She's starting to be seen as a woman. When I was her age, I have never been solicited. Mom thought it's because she got me to dress modestly. Over the last few months, I watched all these documentaries about stalkers and rapists. I never took mom's advice to heart, but now that she's not around I wish I could ask her…I missed my train, so I was sitting in a cafe to kill time. Girls from a nearby school passed by. It'd be nice if Yuzu dressed like that. Are they from a school that imposes the dress code?My gosh! I'm staring too much! People will think I'm a voyeur…What am I thinking? I've been watching many of those shows. One of them had all these patterns on stalkers… At some point, I started suspecting all middle-aged men.This cafe would be a perfect stakeout spot… A stalker would sit at… that… table?A man was sitting there, looking quite unsettled but somehow focused. He checked the time now and then… A group of high school girls passed by…"Ma'am, what can get you?" The voice of the waitress got my attention.I gesture to her to come close. I whisper to her."Don't look. The man over there? Does he come often?""Well…"Crap! That was careless from me… of course, they wouldn't want to rat on a regular… Wait are they in cahoots!"He's been coming for the last three days…" she went on, " the way he sits there and stares at girls creeps me out…""Wai… What?""Maybe he's a PI.""Why would a PI be in a coffee shop?""Senpai says some of our regulars are PIs… A lot of the girls in Aihara High have fiancees in high places, you know…""Aihara High?""The High School Just two blocks away… You, Ma'am. I really need to take your order. I'm on the clock.""Oh sorry, sorry. A Doppio macchiato""Will that be all?""Yes.""Coming right up."The waitress turned on her heels and went inside. The man didn't move an inch.I finished my coffee and missed the train. I didn't notice it at first but the man had a suitcase under his table. It doesn't seem like something a PI or a stalker would have with them on their stakeout.The thinner the flow of girls got, the sharper he got.He called the waitress. Once she got there he gestured to his luggage. "I'm going to step out for half an hour. Could you look after these for me? Here's my number and my name if I take too long to come back…""Of course, sir." said the waitress.He went out. I call the waitress and put a bill on the table. "Here. keep the change. Thank you.""Do you want his number?""Wha…?"Are you a stalker or something?""No! No, no, no… I'm a PI. That's it! So what's his name?""What's in it for me?""A bigger tip."I fork out another bill and put it on the table. I keep my fingers on it."Whatever…" She shows me the note he gave her. Aihara Shou.She gave me an amused look."He's cute, I agree… Hurry up. I have his number, so I have a head-start… I can let you stalk him."I don't have time to deal with her… I have to follow him.He was following three girls until they split up. He seemed interested in only one of them. He stayed behind. hidden behind a telephone pole. "What am I doing…" he sighed. He seemed exhausted. That was my opportunity to catch him!"Hey, you! Over there!"He looked at me. He turned pale."You've been staring at that girl for a while now. Are you a stalker or something? Depending on your answer, I might need to call the police!""Oh no, I am not a stalker…"I fork out my phone…"Please, please...Ma'am. I'm her father…""What kind of a father would stalk his own daughter?""It's complicated…Kind of a long story""I have time…""Err…"My eyes don't leave his."Can we discuss this somewhere else?""I'm not falling for that…""Please… I know it's hard to trust me… Let's go to a public place… You choose the place. It's just… I left my suitcase somewhere… I'll go grab it, and let's head wherever you want…""Alright…"He does seem sincere… If I hadn't actually seen him leave his suitcase, I might not have believed him… Why would he need to stalk his own daughter?"Alright let's grab your suitcase and go to "The Noble's Afternoon" !" I said"What's that?""A bar?""You want to go to a bar... with me?""I'm a regular there. Try anything and they'll fuck you up! Let's go, Aihara-san."I head back to the coffee."How do you know I'm going that way? And how do you know my name?""Err… Do you want me to call the police?!"He smiled. "You'll have to explain how you knew my name and where I was heading""Let's just go. I want to hear your story"He complied.The waitress back at the cafe gave me an amused look when I went back with Aihara-san. I stood up behind Aihara-san's and made two V sings with my hands."Good job, PI-san…" the waitress said looking at me."What?" said Aihara-san, puzzled."It's nothing. Please come again".When we got out, Aihara-san eyed me suspiciously "Since when have you been following me?""Well… I swear I'm not a..."I know, I know… A PI wouldn't announce herself as you did back there. Let's go… It's been a long while since I went drinking with another person here. It seems after all these years, I've come home a stranger…""Isn't it just because you're a loner?""That too."We went to The Noble's Afternoon and I ordered two beers."Just the one drink for me, alright…" said Aihara-san."Nope! I want you to be honest! And what better way than to get you drunk…""I have things to do…""You're not doing anything Mister until I'm satisfied with your answer…""Why are you so insistent?""At first I just wanted to bust you… But since you said you're her father… I have a daughter, too… So I know it's hard to tell them what you're really going through.. So… I might understand your situation…""What an aggravating woman…""Why you!""Well, I'm not one to talk… Anyway… The situation is: that girls' name is Mei… Mei is my daughter from my ex-wife., and we have a rather complicated custody situation…. After the divorce, her mother fought tooth and nail to decide her custody. She refused to leave her to me but didn't want to have her either… To sum it up, Mei is under the custody of the Aihara household… I know this sounds rather weird, but what that means is that I'm not necessarily her legal guardian. That's only possible in two scenarios: the first one is for me to be the head of the Aihara household. The second one is a bit of a leeway her mother allowed her, and it encompasses two conditions: One, Mei accepts me as her guardian; two, I should be married.""So? Can't you be the Aihara's head?""As a matter of fact, the only two candidates for the position from the main family are me and my father. Father will only give the title if I take over his Academy…""And?""It's complicated.""That your answer to everything?""I'm not sure of how to put it… I don't believe in the idea behind the academy…""Hmm?"“The Aihara academy reinvents the aristocracy system. First, the Chairman has to be an Aihara by blood or by Marriage. Second, students enrolled there mostly come from well-established families… Quality education should be given to all regardless of their social status. The ones that get there on merit are mostly promised they will escape the life they've been leading up to before their admission.""I do agree… But that's not easy to apply in practice… Also, I think it's arrogant of you to judge people who give their all to get in.""I know… But is turning a blind eye to what's really going on in the world really the answer?""If I was ten years younger, my answer would be no ... As you grow older you just realize that there are things that simply cannot be helped…""How can you say that if you don't try to do something about it?"His tone wasn't condescending... I think he's really trying to get a point across. "So what are YOU doing about it?"He fell silent, then finally said. "I don't know…""So let me get straight. You aren't doing anything about your epiphany and you aren't being your daughter’s guardian. So what are you doing?""Five years ago, I thought I was raising Mei according to my beliefs… Just for me to realize I was pushing the Aihara's way of life unto her. Trying to teach her that those principles were flawed is not only difficult but wrong. I'd be pushing my own belief… Beliefs based on questions I don't have answers to yet. To find that answer is why I'm doing what I'm doing now… My new job takes me around the world… It gave me a lot of insight… I hope when I finally meet her,  I'll have my answer""Wait, wait.. hang on! When you finally meet her. Are you telling me you aren't seeing her? When was the last time you met her.""She was in elementary school when we last spoke…""You Idiot! Go meet her right now! You left such a cute girl alone and went traveling by yourself. As a parent who's raising a child at the same age, I cannot believe this!""Like I've been trying to explain… There's nothing I can do for her if I meet her right now…""I'm not listening to excuses coming from a rich person like you! That means your daughter was eating alone every night and doing housework in her free time… Just thinking about it makes me cry!""I treasure her, you know! Not a day goes by without me thinking about her. I do send her letters. She never replies, though, I just tried to check on her, to make sure she's doing okay…""You're just being creepy! ""When I asked her to come with me, she turned me down…"Oh my… That's tough. That explains everything though… She might have been just trying to keep him from leaving… But it must've felt like she abandoned him before he abandoned her…"The answer you're seeking… Is it that important?""I don't know what's important in the grand scheme of things, but at least I need it in order to become more than a stranger in Mei's eyes. I want to stop being a pampered privileged loser and actually be a respectable parent for Mei… But I worry I'll never be able to…""A respectable parent, huh"Here I am, judging him, but when I look at myself… I drank myself into flunking, I drove Yuzu into a pole, I left her with my parents for two years… Now Yuzu's becoming a woman and I have no idea what to tell her about dating and men… I myself have been a pampered loser in my own way...Yuzu has been my beacon of light all these years. I don't think I would've made it without her. "If you care enough for someone that you want to support them, age and position shouldn't matter""Huh?"When I started dating Yanni, we were college losers together. Maybe Aihara-san and I can be losers parents together. I find the concept ridiculously romantic…"I've got it! I'll take your daughter in." I gulped down the rest of my beer, "In the meantime, you hurry up and find your answer, and then come back and we'll become a family!"What am I saying? He and I are obviously worlds apart. Trying to find things in common as being "losers parents". I guess I'm becoming serious about finding a father for Yuzu…Looks like I shocked him."No more, please! Sorry, that's just the alcohol talking. Forget I said anything."He stood up and looked at me solemnly. "Please, take care of my daughter!""Huh? Seriously!?" What the hell did I get myself into?"But before that…I don't believe I got your name…""You ask that NOW!""Well, I didn't deem it necessary… I believed we'd go our separate ways after our conversation""How about we do just that?""The only reason you know my name is that you asked the waitress""Fair enough… It's Okogi Ume.""A pleasure meet you, Okogi-san. You know it, but my name is Aihara Sho. 40 years old.""Stop being so formal, you're making me nervous. I just said that in the spur of the moment, you don't have to take it seriously…""I think it's a perfect idea.""But you don't know anything about me… You just learned my name!""Well, your smile seemed so sincere and a person who would cry for and scold a stranger wouldn't be a bad person, plus I don't have much time. If we go to the registrar right now, we can make things official by…""Wait, what the hell! You wanna get married right now!?""Well, yes.""Jeez! How desperate are you?! What if I'm swindler?""Are you?""No!""Then, will you marry me?"My God! He's serious... "No!""I guess that's it, then. It was an honor to make your acquaintance, Okogi-san. I wish we'd met in different-..."."Call me Ume.""Huh?""And I'll call you Sho~oou-san..,"" Sho-ossan?""You know what I mean! You said you don't have much time. Are you traveling?""Yes, in three days.""You were planning to marry me, and just fly away?""No, I would've made changes…""Really?""Well, I didn't think that far ahead…""Then start. I'm open to marrying you…" I cup his cheek. “We'll have cute children you and I.""What?""Does it scare you? It's the first thing a woman my age thinks about… And by the way, today's my birthday, so you shouldn't upset me…""Now, you make me think you're a swindler…""No seriously, it is.""Then, happy birthday.""Thanks. It's getting happier by the minute… Back at the subject at hand. I'll meet you halfway. We'll date for a week. We'll decide if we're good for each other. If that goes well you'll meet Yuzu, my daughter, and I'll meet Mei-chan. Let's add another two weeks for that. If both our daughters give their okay, then we'll get married. So a month, give or take. Can you arrange that?""I can't do that…""Then we can't get married. We're rushing things as it is, so you won't get any compromises from me.""I'll see what I can do."I was so giddy I couldn't contain myself. It was the first time I got a date without being set up since… Forever? I know there are serious reasons behind it, but it's nice being looked at as a woman…We got another round of drinks and I got him to laugh… We exchanged phone numbers, email addresses, and home addresses. He gave two addresses. The hotel he was staying at and his "home" address, which is where Mei-chan was staying.When he dropped me off at the train station, I decided to go for something… A birthday girl can be a little selfish, can't she…"Come close, I wanna tell you something".He lowered his head slightly "What is it?"He lent me his ear, but I put my arms around his shoulders and brought him in for a french kiss. He pulled back"Wait… We're in public…" He said after disengaging the kiss."I'm sorry, I mean, disregarding everything, you proposed earlier and I didn't give you a proper answer…""Does this mean it's a yes" "Only if you kiss me”Despite hesitating he was a good kisser. He put his hands on my hips and kissed me. As we felt people staring we stopped. It was my first proper kiss in ages. I hope he didn't think I was too eager. I mean he asked to marry him. I was at cloud nine when I stopped and realized it.Train arrived. I ran, waving goodbye. He smiled.My heart was beating fast. I kissed him! Did he like it?I fork out a phone, I have to tell the girls. I typed "I found..", then stopped.I have to take this more seriously. If this goes well, Yuzu won't stay home alone anymore. She'll have a sister… and when Sho comes back we can give them more siblings.And I can probably let Yuzu go free more easily when the time comes.At home, Yuzu scolded me for drinking too much but said I looked happy."Well… I met someone""Who set you up this time?""It's all me ""Really? What's he like? Do you have a picture?"No. I didn't think of that… But he was so handsome, and we kissed.""Really? On your first date?""Well, you know… I kind of liked him a lot. l, and wanted to reassure myself of that feeling.""Is that what kissing is like?""Yes.""When will I meet him?""Really? You never ask that.""You never kissed any of your dates.""In a week maybe. I'm having lunch with him tomorrow. I should cook something for him""Oh my God, you're in love!""Stop it!""Did you tell your girlfriends?""Not yet. Let's keep this between us, alright?""Okay. Details, gimme details!"I told her how handsome he was and how cute he was in his awkwardness. I left out all the parts about his daughter, his past, and the fact that he proposed to me. I'd rather he tells her himself. That's in a week, so it's not like I'm delaying it too much. I was nervous about telling her I was getting married again. I decided I'd keep it to myself until it was a sure thing. It was the first time I saw her excited hearing about my date and I felt a little proud of myself.Once I sent Yuzu to sleep. I made lunchboxes. One for Yuzu, one for me, and a third for Shou. I hope he likes it.I'm as excited as a teenage girl. It's ridiculous. xxx I called him in the morning to invite him to lunch"Ume, I'm sorry. I think I have to cancel our date…" His voice was hoarse."Are you alright?""Yes. Don't worry about it, I'll call you later tonight."I called HR and requested the rest of the day off. At the hotel, the clerk tried to keep from going up to his room after failing to reach him."I'm sorry madam, as long as we don't hear back from him, we can't let you in his room.""I'm his fiancee. I was with him on the phone earlier, but I can't reach him now! Can you at least check if he's okay."I kept on calling over and over, but the line was occupied. In the end, I decided to sit in the lobby. I waited there for over an hour. Then I got a call from him!"Hello" his voice kept getting worse."What the fuck is wrong with you!""Ume?""You call me and you cancel on me without an explanation, and on top of that, your phone is busy for an hour!""I'm sorry, I-""I'm in the lobby. They wouldn't let me come up!""What? What are you doing here?""Are you seriously asking me that?""Sorry. I'll be right down""Stay where you are, just tell the clerk to let me up"Who was it who said: "In the field of love, women are the experts and men are forever amateurs "? Yukio Mashima?Shou came down to get me. This made me forgive him a little… He looks exhausted. God…I held his face "Are you okay?""Yes. Listen…""Let's go upstairs…""Isn't it better if…"I got mad at him again. Is there something he's hiding from me? A harlot?"We're going upstairs.""It's a mess""Lucky I'm here, then. I'm gonna clean it""I really…""Are you hiding something?""No.""Then it's okay for me to see how messy you are. You know, to know what I'm getting myself into…"He scratched the back of his neck."Alright, but please don't clean anything.""We'll see…"His room was a disaster. Files everywhere and a laptop with a screen lock."What happened?""I was trying to find a solution for something… There was little time, and I failed…""Cryptic much? I can understand things. You can explain."He kept quiet.I put down my bags and sit on his bed after placing some files on his nightstand. "You know… Couples usually build trust over time, but we don't have that… I understand you being reluctant to tell me. You just have to take a chance on me. Let's pretend we've known each other for years… Tonight, I'm staying here. Let's lay down everything… I would've started to empty my baggage first to make you feel more secure, but there's this thing is preoccupying you, so we can't let it distract us from what we're trying to do. If you're not going to do it for me, do it for Mei-chan."He looked over to his laptop. Reflected for a second and looked me in the eye with a resolve that wasn't there seconds ago."This might scare you away. If you decide to leave, I won't judge you…"I know I told him to tell me, but a chill runs down my spine. "I'm ready.""Alright."He unlocked his laptop. On the screen a picture of a bloodied child tied to a tree.I covered my mouth. He proceeded to show me two other pictures of two other girls. He then closed his laptop. He threw the files that were on the other side of the bed and lied down, leaving me to process what I just saw. I don't know how long it took me to regain my speech ability."What was that?""I'm the head of an NGO whose aim is to spread education around the world. Some of the parts we go to are dangerous. The photos I showed you from a country where girls are forbidden to learn… We tried long and hard for a long time. Those are three of the girls that attended the special school we created. They were lapidated. A punishment reserved for adulteresses… We were  at odds with a group a religious faction there. We ended up paying them to stay away from the village… Last night I received a call from colleagues saying that we've been duped... I shouldn't have left…""Sho…" At a loss for words, I couldn't think of anything to say.After a while. He sat down…"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have burdened you with this… You know what? Don't worry about Mei, I'll figure out something…"My God… He's taking on too much…I grab his head and guide it to my lap… I started stroking his hair, while looking away, staring at the wall… He didn't speak. Neither did I. He adjusted himself so that he was lying on his side, to be more comfortable. This was a smart move. We'll be here for a whileI just kept on caressing his hair for a while, collecting my thoughts. I bet he was doing the same. When I felt him relax, I decided to speak… Not sure of what I should say."I'm not giving up on us…"Since he didn't reply, I checked if he fell asleep. He was awake. "You have a big heart, don't you?" I kissed his cheek, "The only thing I feel guilty about is that I'm asking you to make space for me and Yuzu there…"I felt him go tense. "In my heart… There's a good side and a bad side…"All humans are like that."Knowing that…" He went on, "Are you still willing to take a peek inside of me?"I kiss his forehead. "Then I guess I have no choice but to conquer that dark side of your heart and make it my domain."He smiled, for the first time today. "You've gained some terrain already.""Have you eaten anything since yesterday?"He blushed"My God! Well… I made it for lunch, but we're closer to dinner now. I have to call Yuzu to tell her I won't be home tonight." I called Yuzu " Listen, dear. I'm gonna spend be home tonight.""Why?""I have something to take care of. Can you-""Something or someone?""Well, yeah…""My god, you're serious!""Yeah""I mean… are you planning to, you know…"I laughed. I wish. I just don't want to leave him alone with his thoughts. Or rather, I don't want to be alone with mine. I'm sure I won't be able to sleep after seeing those girls…"No, baby… We're just discussing important matters" I used my best everything-is-okay-voice Yuzu got so accustomed to hearing..."You're acting weird…" Yuzu said "Do you love this guy? I mean... You just met! You don't act like that… You stopped wearing your ring…"I hear the accusation in her voice. Or is it my own guilt?"It's just a coincidence… Sho-san can you give us some privacy?"Sho got up and got out of the room"Yuzu…""Yes?""Do you want a new dad… You know, I still love your dad… and it's not like I'm feeling lonely… but the older I get the less chances I have in giving you a baby brother or a baby sister, maybe it's time for me…""Mama.""Yes?""Do you love him?""Baby, it's not about that…""Then it's about what?""Listen… no matter what happens, I will always love you the most…""Is that why you were sabotaging all your dates?"I keep quiet. Yuzu is more perceptive than everybody gives credit for."I can't wait to meet my new dad!" Yuzu said. "Give me a little sister, I'll love her so much. I'll dress her up and kiss her all over. I hope she'll love me too.""I'm sure she will. I love you, baby, so so much.""I love you too."With that, I hung up. I open the door for Sho."When's Mei's birthday?" I asked him"September 13th."Looks like Yuzu's wish might be realized sooner than expected. I hope they like each other."Oh, speaking of birthdays…" Shou said.He grabbed two books from his suitcase." I didn't have time to wrap it, and I know it's tasteless given the situation… but happy belated birthday."You shouldn't have!"Two copies of Sartre's "Critique of Dialectical Reason"."I thought you and I start reading books together. I thought of what to buy for you, but I didn't know your hobbies."."I'm more into fiction, but I love it!"I kiss him. "We'll take turns choosing books, this way no matter where you are in the world, we'd be thinking about the same things…"He put his arms around my waist."Thank you for staying with me tonight…""Do they get tough after… you know… you receive news like this?""I thought there'd be a day when I'd get used to it.""Never, NEVER get used to it." I caress his cheek and slide my hand to head."It hasn't been long, but I'm starting to like this man who loves his daughter so much and gets moved by-… what I'm trying to say, those are not things you should try to change…" I kiss him again and hug him.He kissed my neck "Thank you….""Sho-san… Can I tell you something?""Anything""You stink."He was taken aback.I felt guilty for interrupting such a moment, but I don't want to ruin it for him by pinching my nose whenever he hugs me. "You haven't taken a shower since yesterday, right?"His ears were so red. So adorable! I kiss him on the nose. "You take a shower while I unpack our meal. I'll take a shower after you. Do you have anything I can wear?""There are some clean shirts in the closet…" xxx

When I got out of the shower in his shirt, he turned away. I guess I still got it… I hug him from behind. "Whaat? Tell me I'm sexy.""My shirt looks better on you than it ever did on me…""Boobs makes everything better."He laughed. I'm happy we're distracting each other."Well now that I know one way to your heart," I let go of him and open the lunchboxes, "Let me see about the other obvious way… I don't want to brag, but I'm an excellent cook. ""I can't wait to dig in, then. Mei will like your cooking too…""I'll teach her and have her and Yuzu compete on who's gonna make you the best dish.""I guess I'm going to become fat eventually.""Yup. Make sure to come often."We sat down for the meal."Itadakimasu," we said in unison.He sat there looking for chopsticks."Looking for something?" I said, pretending I had no idea."Yes, chopsticks…""Oh my! You want me to feed you that much""I swear-oh…""I was planning to do this in public. You're lucky… Say Ah" "I guess there's no harm… ah . I'll bring spare chopsticks next time…""Oh my, are you asking me to make lunch for you again?""Well, it's delicious. Is Yuzu as mischievous as you?""Haha. Yuzu and mischief: never."I show him a photo of her."Don't let the bleached hair fool you. She never had a boyfriend.""Really?""Yeah, nobody believes me. She tells me everything. I'm starting to feel anxious she's too awkward around boys… I'm looking forward to her story about her first kiss. I want you to scare the crap out of any boys she brings, alright. Meanwhile, I'll be on her side and she'll hate you for that. And I get to do it with Mei too. Sorry, we mothers get to be on the side of daughters, it's in the manual.""Haha. I'll start working on my angry face. But you should know that Mei already has a fiancee… She'll be married when she's 18 if I don't-... It's why I'm running out of time""I see…"" No… he's imposed on her. Because of me. The Aihara heir would have to be her husband… If I were to fail… I'd least want her to take a respectable man. Kind of ironic coming out of me, but one of my old colleagues says her current fiance has a mistress. He might have told me that because he has eyes on Mei himself, but still…It's-...""Complicated… alright, alright… one step at a time. We'll deal with him once Mei is settled down with us, I promise. Plus, she'll meet you and you'll tell her face to face.""I understand""And when she gets a boyfriend of her own choosing…""I'll scare the crap out of him. Won't she hate me?""I'll put in a good word for you""You're awfully confident… I wish I was half as self-assured as you…"My god...“Listen, Sho… as long as we're taking peeks at each other dark sides… I'll let you on what lies behind this smile of mine first so that we're an even playground when you tell me your story… This will take long, so we might as well get comfortable..."“Alright…”We rinsed the lunch boxes, brushed our teeth and got into bed…I snuggled up to him. He's resisting my approaches less and less..."I didn't accept your proposal because I liked you or anything like that, I began telling him my story "It was more along the lines of maybe here's a person that won't judge me for my shortcomings … Now that I think about it… I don't know if I'd be a suitable mother for your daughter… I got pregnant with Yuzu and had her when I was 20. At least I can say I wasn't a teen mother. My parents were furious. His parents apologized and offered to pay for the reception. My parents declined and we got married without a ceremony. Looking back, I think it's a blessing. I didn't have many people to invite... My parents didn't like Yanni. That's my late husband.""I'm sorry... Since when?""It's alright. 13 years. So my parents didn't like Yanni. I think that's why mom always told Yuzu she didn't look like him despite her having his eyes…Yanni dropped out of the university with the promise that he'd go back once I get a job after graduating. That meant he was the one taking care of Yuzu during her first three years… You'd expect a girl whose father passed away when she was three to not remember much about him. Yet she surprised me along the years with memories I, myself, would have forgotten if it weren't for her. I think it's due to how much time he spent with her... I remember fits of jealousy when I thought he was a better mother than I was…Yanni's death happened on what was supposed to be my last semester…Before I knew it, I got into the habit of crying and drinking myself to sleep. My parents threatened to take Yuzu away from me… They said, and they were right, that I didn't know how to behave as a parent. Yuzu was there, watching me cry all the time. One day as I was skipping school again, Yuzu came to me with acrylic yellow paint in her tiny hand. She tried to dye her hair blonde. The poor little thing tried to stop me from crying… To this day, I can't fathom how she figured out that I missed her father. I didn't notice that she ate some of the paint until she started vomiting. I was drunk, so my decision process was all over the place. Instead of calling the hospital, I decided to drive her there myself. I knew how to drive but I had no license. I postponed getting one until after graduating. It didn't stop me from taking Yanni's car and drive us into a stop sign…" Tears threaten to well up. I hold them back. " When I came to, I was in the hospital and Yuzu was taken care of. They told me that Yuzu was alright and that I was lucky the road was empty… They asked me whether I wanted to call someone… I called Ayame, my closest friend, you'll like her. When she came to the hospital I asked her to take care of Yuzu and begged her to not tell my parents. She called mom on the spot. And said Hello, auntie. Ume wants you to take care of Yuzu . I tried to jump to strangle her but she slapped me before I could get up. She went on talking with mom. She explained the situation. All of it. She told her that she will take care of me. After she hung up, she said Yuzu has lost her father. I won't let her lose her mother, too . I cried. That was all I could do." Shou didn't utter a word, so I went on. "Mom took Yuzu and forbid me from coming to see her until I get my act together. I failed that term and lost my apartment. Ayame let me live with her. My time away from Yuzu was extended by another four months, but mom let me talk to her after Ayame vouched for me. I called her daily. Okay, dear, be a good girl and listen to your grandma was all I knew to say. I think that's why being a good girl became second nature to her even now… They only let me see her on her birthdays. I thought I'd have Yuzu back a few weeks after graduation, but having failed a semester, getting a job and settling in a job proved more challenging than I had anticipated. By the time my parents judged I was able to shoulder the responsibility, Yuzu was five… Okay, dear, be a good girl and listen to your mama was my mother's parting words. I hated those words even though I said them myself again and again. I was jealous of mom. My parenting skills were questioned again when I let Yuzu dye her hair at the tender age of six. Not only Ayame and my parents, but Yuzu's teacher as well. In a PT meeting, her sensei told me: You both wanna appear perfect in each other's eyes, you don't refuse anything the other says. When was the last time you had a fight with Yuzuko, Okogi-san? . The truth was never but I answered Last week for some reason, I felt as I was being berated… Wasn't it a good thing that we don't fight?:"From a teacher perspective," Shou said, "I think he thought that both of you avoided conflict…""Well, that's true" I replied "I love how carefree Yuzu is around me. When I got her back, I subconsciously said yes to everything she asked for. I guess I was afraid that'd she'd favor her grandma over me. Or rather, I wanted her to favor me over her grandma. Over the years, I came to believe it's good parenting… Not good parenting per se, but at least she never said she hates me. All mothers I knew have had that thrown at their faces at one point in their life. I haven't... And there's nothing in this world I fear more than that…""I know what you mean…" He caressed my back."Everyone around me, even those who don't say it think Yuzu has become too sheltered. That I protected her too much from the real world...and you know what? They're probably right…""But isn't that better than throwing your daughter in the world of adults at eleven years old?""The grass is greener on the other side, I guess…""I don't think you were a bad mother. You were there for her at every step of the way, most of her life… There is time for Yuzu to grow up, so don't give up on her just yet…""You just said something... It made realize. We've been thinking about how suitable we are to each other and to our respective daughters... ""Not once did we think about how they'll view each other…"I cover my face. "Ugh, I feel so terrible!""Perhaps that's a good thing. You and I are overcomplicating things. They'll probably take a simpler approach… And since they're so different… Maybe they'll make each other see things differently…""Maybe… They're only 16… They'll grow together. I hope they'll grow to love each other so much that they'd throw a tarentum when that stupid fiancee tries to take Mei-chan away.""He IS stupid.""That reminds me… You said one of your colleagues reported something about Mei-chan.""Yes…""How many of those "colleagues" do you have…"He winced. He knew where this was going. "It's not like that""Says the man who was stalking his daughter.""Eight or nine…""From now on, the only one who reports about Mei-chan is me. If I judge that you don't have to know something, I have the veto. It's in the manual.""Can I have a copy of the manual?""It's exclusive to mothers.""I'm glad you're looking forward to it," he said, laughing."I should be thanking you. You've given me the chance to be a wife again. You don't know how many regrets I have in that regard…""You're giving the chance to be a husband and a father. I think I should be the one thanking you. I'm not trying to undermine your feelings, but in your dark side, I see coils of light along which there’s a life I desire." I'm overwhelmed: relief, hope. Even with the shadow looming of what he's going to reveal, I feel that I can take anything head-on. I kiss him with tears in my eyes. Please, God. He accepted me. Give me the strength to accept him.He wiped my tears with his thumb and kissed me on the forehead. He took a deep breath. His voice turned grave."Where shall I start? Yes… Right after I left the Aihara estate. I had enough renown and status to get any job I wanted. Getting a teaching position in an NGO just seemed the most logical path at that. It wasn't long before I discovered one of the ugly truths of volunteer work. Most people involved aren't there to make a change, but to put a shiny mark on their resumes. Few people even looked at the risky missions and most budgetary meetings brushed them off. As the days went by, the reason I left Mei and the Aiharas seemed more and more futile. So I started looking elsewhere… Trying to contact people in the countries I was targeting and flying there myself. Along the way, I met like-minded individuals. I felt blessed. We started small, working here in Japan and in China, but we had to make a name for ourselves even as an NGO so that we could recruit more people and get more funding because, up to that point, we were covering all expenses by ourselves… We had to have some big wins under our belts to get to the next steps…""Wow… I didn't think NGOs had to be run like a business.""The sad truth is that everything is like that. From hospitals to religious establishments, money talks. We didn't want to go to those "attractive" locations… We thought that it'd sell the soul of our organization. So we chose what we thought would both give us a win and make us do meaningful change. One colleague of ours knew of an ex-Yakuza clan who told him about a hidden city... It was believed as a beacon for drug trade and crime. Hidden from the world. It was worth looking into. Children in such a place would need a school to give them a chance to escape the drug trade and prostitution … Our investigation led us there… We didn't know that the truck we were using was loaded with drugs. It's about to get unpleasant… Do you want me to stop?"" You can just skip any gruesome parts… No, you tell them too. I have to learn to face this with you… Unless it's uncomfortable for you… Just finish what you were saying. Don't think too much… I'm here.""Ume… Not all missions I go on end up in a similar situation to today… Moving on. Of the five  people that went there, only two made it back alive. An eastern European, who I prefer not to name, and me. Survivor's guilt is a poison that runs deep… If it weren't for Mei, I believe I would've killed myself long ago… Visiting their families was the worst part… I kept seeing Mei's face when talked to them.""When was this?"" Three years ago.""Then-..."" Why didn't I met Mei yet? I'm leading up to that…""My God, Sho… "I squeeze his hand. I don't know what I'm going to do… Part of me wants to flee. I might have taken on more than I could handle…"The only reason I survived is because of a man who gambled on my life." xxx 
2007
 The driver seemed nervous when the police stopped us. They spoke in Thai and used English when the addressed the rest of us."You get out" said one of the policemen.We stood there while they searched the van. It wasn't long until they uncovered bags of white and brown powder.Instead of the police station, they took us to a Church. Waiting for us were an old nun with an eyepatch and a younger one wearing shades and packing a handgun in a revealed shoulder holster. The police handcuffed us and got us on our knees, and left. The Sisters didn't utter a word until three people walked in: A Chinese man wearing shades, a suit, and an overcoat; a Russian woman with a burn scar covering half her face and a Military overcoat over her shoulders; and an Italian in a white suit with braces on his teeth.The one-eyed sister spoke in a hoarse voice. "May I remind you this is neutral territory. You may interrogate these gentlemen as you see fit.""Ladies first," said the Chinese man."Go easy," said the Italian.The woman approached an Eastern European among us and talked to him. She probably told him to talk in English so that others could understand."How did you find this city?" the Russian lady asked.He explained everything to her and that we first hear of it from a Yakuza. She listened intently."The Yakuza. Their Clan name""I don't know.""Washimine", I intervened.She looked at me and smiled. "A Japonski… Can you speak English?""Yes."I never thought I'd be scared of a woman, but there I was feeling that my life hangs on what she'd say next."How about I let you meet the one who sent your princess to her grave?"My heart froze. Mei?"How about we give the Japonski here to our high roller. Ten on black""That's not much of a gamble," the Italian said, "Ten on black"The Chinese man made a call "Twenty on white… Hello, long time no see. How's business? That's cold. I have a package for you. Come down to the Church," he gestured to the younger nun, "you'll find it in the manse. We'll let you decide if it's worth transporting."When I was taken away, the others look at me with complete horror. I think they died thinking I was a traitor…The policemen who were waiting outside took away my handcuffs and took me to the manse. They closed the door and left me there. I was petrified, I didn't know what I should do. The ticking of my wristwatch became louder. The woman said my little princess was sent to her grave. I hoped it was a case of mistaken identity. Pathetic in hindsight but all I wanted at that moment it to cling to any hope that Mei was safe.I don't know how much time passed before a Japanese man entered, accompanied b a tattooed woman."Fuck!" the woman said " Why do I have to leave my guns behind""Calm down," the Japanese said "These people might be innocent. You can be trigger-happy sometimes. I've been at the other end of your interrogations...""You're alive aren't you?"He sat down opposite me and said "You're not Washimine, are you?"."No!" I said, almost jumping off my seat!I felt relieved. I explained to him that we were an NGO and what our goal was. He didn't interrupt me, but I stopped when I noticed the woman looked at me with disdain.The Japanse man asked her to wait for him outside. She complied half-heartedly. Thank you. He asked about Japan, where I lived, about my family and I replied without thinking too much of it. Little did I know he was profiling me. He asked about my job and why I was helping people. I explained the situation of the Aihara school and how I felt about it."Why would a guy like you want to cross this dangerous bridge?" he asked. "I think I know where coming from, but I'm curious why you decided to take the road less travelled if you will? Do you feel inclined to help people? If so, Why? The guilt of being rich?"One often runs into people who undermine their intentions when they do volunteer work. I didn't deem replying to such inquiries necessary. However, my life was in his hands."As long as I do some good, I do not give the intention behind them much thought". It was a textbook reply.He asked me how I thought the people I help would react if I told them that. I was as at a loss of words. I never considered it. He smiled."If you ask me, you and I are both outsiders from that country. Neither of us really fit in there anymore. I used to be no different from you, and that it all changed when I went back to Japan." He lit a cigarette. "I originally ended up here because my former employers judged it was better for business if he was dead . There were two possibilities for me to go back to Japan but I chose death on both occasions. The second one is the most interesting one since you have a daughter. I went back to Japan as a translator for the Russian lady you met earlier. Do you remember the Kousa-Washimine strife from years ago over in Takamachi? That Russian woman and I were involved. The head of the Washimine was a high-schooler I tried to save. Why a high-schooler, you ask? The successor had to be a blood relative. She was the only one alive. Does this situation sound familiar? It's the fate you're letting your daughter face. If you die here and your father dies in Japan, she'll be left with the burden of carrying your family name… She refused my help saying that it was a situation she chose out of her own free will. She said she already threw her dice. She was referring a Jean-Paul Sartre's quote People are like dice. We throw ourselves in the direction of our own choosing." He had a hint of a smile and said "Little did she know her dice ended up in my hand. Just like yours is right now." He lit another cigarette. "When I insisted on helping her, she started questioning my reasons for doing so. She said I was standing in the twilight. As in I couldn't bear either living in the dark here or living in the light in Japan. She thought I was undecided and only wanted to save her because she reminded me of my old life. How can a person who can't change their own life save anyone ? she said. She was right, but her dice was in my hand. Once I heard she wanted to come here and rebuild her clan. I gambled… She's dead, but she didn't come here. I helped her, but how do you think she feels? Does she curse me from her grave? Do you ever think about how the people you are helping feel? The Truth of the matter is that people want to have a choice… When everything is said and done, that's all they care about. They want to feel in control. What do you think your daughter back in Japan is thinking? She's fooling herself into thinking it's her own choice. Are you going to leave her behind in the light and come save the fateless children in the darkness? Or are you going back to the light for her to give her a normal life? You can't do both."I summoned all the reasoning power I had left. He was interrogating me. He was just there to break me down. So I tried to ignore his words the best I could and asked him, "You said, you used to be no different from me, what made you change?""Gambling with people's lives is more exciting than helping them. Just like the Yakuza girl, the dice you threw is in my hand but I don't have anything to bet on yet. I don't have to decide yet. It may seem arbitrary to you that I started gambling with people's lives, but let me tell you another story first. This is more related to your ideals than to your daughter. It sounds made up when I say it now, but I was in this exact situation once. Being questioned by a fellow Japanese countryman who chose the darkness. I'm actually using his technique to question you, I hope you don't mind. He told me a story. It's about a man who came to a city. He went to a street corner. All alone he began speaking. Hoping to make the world a better place, this man continued to preach to whoever listened day after day. At first, many showed great interest in what the man had to say. Some even promised to fight alongside him, then in time all lost interest. As long as their life was comfortable, it didn't matter to them what happened to the world. Still, the man wouldn't stop even as he aged with not a single soul left listening to him, he continued all the same. And one day, a child walking by stopped asked him a question - Why do you continue preaching when there's nobody here? - and this is how the man answered - In the beginning, I thought I could change everyone, then I realized it was a hopeless dream. The reason I won't stop preaching is back then when I started out I gambled my entire life on this. If I stop now, all of it is just one big lie." he lit his third cigarette "That's how people who fight in the darkness can keep on fighting. Unlike him, I don't gamble to win, it's the thrill of rolling those dice that keeps me going. What will keep you going when you lose everything?" He stood up, "I work for a delivery company. The people you were talking to in the chapel offered me a job, but I have yet to decide whether the package is worth transporting… "."I can do both. Save my daughter and help other people" I said.He smiled. "Make sure to let me know how that goes." He got out and the tattooed woman entered moments later. She leaned on the door frame, giving me a cold look"How did you convince him?" she asked "Judging by his smile you must be fucking hilarious... "."I took his bet.""He never lost a bet, you know…" I don't know if she was on his side, but she seemed pretty displeased about the situation. "Let me ask you something. In Japan, there are these poor neighborhoods, right? They must have bad schools… why don't you go there? Do you have to be fancy and come to the asshole of the world to do your thing? Why do you have to be so choosy of who you help? Surely not be an asswipe…" Her question felt different than the man's. There was an accusation in them.I didn't know how to answer."Whatever." She continued, she was not as patient as her partner "He said you were rich. We're emptying your account either way. You'll be scraping by when we're done with you. "They had a tech wiz who emptied my bank account. They left me with enough money for a plane ticket and gave several hundreds of dollars. When I asked them about my colleagues, they said they were probably dead.For the first time in my life. Money was a problem.  xxx 
Spring 2010
 My heart was beating fast. I wanted to stop him from reliving the experience but I had to persevere, otherwise, this would be the last time he'd share his burdens with me."The insurance reimbursed part of what I had after it was proven I was held hostage," he said. "Still, I have to sell my house… I couldn't bring myself to sell it since I discovered Mei was staying there.He took another deep breath. Got out of the bed. Drank a glass of water. When he came back he didn't snuggle up to me."That man… I wish I had never met him…""But you said he saved you…""Yes… I know… It's hard to explain. His words haunt me to this day…"I felt that if I didn't hold him, he'd get away from me. I tried to bring his chest to my chest but he declined…"Please. I want you to hear this unfiltered. I don't want to be recomforted. Just listen, and listen close... The most important things are the hardest to say, but I'll try my best…"I nod and hold on the covers just to occupy my hands."When you told me that you would take care of Mei with such sincerity… I felt like I saw a light… I didn't think of the burden I would be putting on your shoulders. I'm standing in the twilight. I'm doing things half-heartedly. I can't go back to Mei, and I can't go all the way when helping others. That man was right. I can't do both.I climbed onto his lap ."I'm not letting you go. Look at me. You're looking at things wrong. You're trudging through the darkness with Mei as your only light, and you left her behind. Naturally, you can't explore deeper. Now what we're doing is we're gonna add another source of light beside Mei: Yuzu. Together they're gonna shine even brighter. And you'll have a third light in me. You can take me with you everywhere. Call me every day. Tell me what's on your mind. Share your burdens and experiences just like you did now. I'll be there to listen and love you always. Alright? What that man failed to account for is that you're not alone.""Can I kiss you?""You don't need to ask"He started with a chaste kiss, then a slightly deeper another, then another. Every kiss was more passionate than the former."You can't stay for a whole month, can you?" I decided to ask despite knowing the answer."No…""The only way I'd be able to bear with it, is if I was your wife. Make me your wife right now"We made love until morning. I felt like I lost my virginity for a second time. My body has forgotten the touch of a man, but it didn't take long for it to get used to it.He slept in my arms. He didn't even give me the time to praise him.I woke up as soon as he moved."Sorry, I woke you up," he said, "I'm going to get us some breakfast.""My breakfast is right here." I pulled him into a kiss and we made love again."Sorry," I said, not really meaning it."I don't think you have anything to apologize for. Now let's get some… lunch!""Haha. We have a lot of things to do but it's been thirteen years since I last had sex.""Seventeen for me""Seventeen! Last time you had sex was when you had Mei!""Yes…""I don't care. You're getting more Mister!"Third time's a charm? Not this time. He picked me up and got me into the shower. While we pleasured each other some more, we didn't spend much time in there…"We'll continue when we come back," I said when we walked out of his room."Yes ma'am""That's Mrs. Aihara for you."I called Yuzu when as were having lunch."You sound happy!" said Yuzu."I am! I did it!""You got married?!"Bless her heart."Yes," I said, feeling ashamed."Then why didn't you call work to tell them you were busy? They called this morning."Crap!"I'm calling them right away! Sorry Yuzu, I gotta go.”Shou was admiring the show. "It's nice to see your vulnerable side.""I'm more responsible than this, I swear."4 hours later, I was officially Mrs. Aihara. An additional hour and we were standing in front of the Aihara academy chairman office.Shou's father was imposing. He didn't spare me a look. His eyes didn't leave Shou's until he introduced me."Father, meet Ume, my wife." Shou said"A pleasure to meet you. I will be in your care" I bowed slightly."Likewise." Shou's father said, "Could you excuse us for a second, Madam.""You don't have to go." Shou said "We're just here to tell you that Mei would be living with us from now on. I am going to sell the house. I would be grateful if you could take Mei on until we move to our new home.""Even so. There are matters I wish to discuss with my son. I apologize for not being a proper host".After a slight nod, Shou looked at me."Excuse us."I left feeling like a child. On my way out I noticed Sho's father had a picture of Shou. Mei and who I assume is Shou's ex-wife. To be honest, I can't blame her for not being able to support Shou. Am I taking on more than I can handle? Ayame and the others will kill me when I tell them I got married to a man I knew for two days.I did half-assedly asked for permission to get married from Yuzu. Mei is unaware of what is going on. I hope she won't hate me. She's a strong child for having endured her parents' divorce, but I'm sure I'll find all kinds of damage when I dig deeper. I hope she and Yuzu find a way into being sisters.I will need a ton of parenting books again.I was looking up titles when Shou called me."I apologize." Shou's father said. "We discussed matters unrelated to Mei. I felt it was more appropriate to leave the most important topic to the end. First of all, welcome to the Aihara family. I wish we've met under different circumstances. For all intents and purposes, you will be Mei's guardian. I will not interfere beyond asking Mei how she's adapting to your home. I hope you won't fault a grandfather for worrying about his grandchild's well-being.""Of course not," I said."You must be aware that, no matter what we decide now, Mei has always the option to chose her guardian according to her mother's wishes: Either her father and his family or the Aihara's head.""Yes, Shou-san told me that.""Therefore I must inform you that Mei is a sensitive child. With all she's been through, she might decide to come back to my house. I implore you to not take it personally if that happens.""I assure you, father." Shou decided to intervene, "Ume is an exceptional caretaker. I feel this step will help her develop her personality.""Excuse me, madame. My son and I have different opinions of what constitutes a well-rounded personality. I believe in differences of opinions but raising a child is not an area for trial and error.""I've been raising a child alone for thirteen years." I didn't have to defend myself but I had to assist what Shou said, "I have a certain degree of confidence when it comes to my attributes as a mother.""Thirteen years. May I ask the reason you didn't remarry.""Um... I only found the right parent for my child in Shou.""You've been reluctant for thirteen years, and you marry a man you met two days ago."Shou?! What the fuck! You could have at least omitted saying that."I am a good judge of personality." Fuck it, let's go with that.The chairman eyed his son "I seriously doubt it"My god this geezer! He burns his son in front of the woman he's been married to for 5 hours! Give the man a break!"Another one of my concerns," he went on "is the academic achievements of my grandchild’s caretaker. This wouldn't have been an issue if Shou was planning to remain in your household. If there is anything I don't fault him is his stellar academic career. He surpassed me and all his ancestors. We're hoping Mei would live up to his legacy in that regard. I think you can deduce what my next question is.""Sir, please don't treat this as a job interview.""Thank you for your answer."Shou had an embarrassed smile on his face! You bastard! He thinks I'm some kind of underachiever. I know I am but- Ugh!"Alright, son." He marked that the interview was over, "I will relay your decision to Mei under one condition: Her daughter must attend our school. She is an Aihara now, and we must strive to give her all the tools to be worthy of our name. I will personally see to it that her file is fast-tracked.""Thank you, father." Shou said, "Ume, is this acceptable?""I- I suppose""I am looking forward to seeing the fruit of your exceptional care-taking , Madame. Shou said her name was Yuzuko. Please send the information of her current school. It is an honor to make your acquaintance. I am looking forward to meeting my grand-stepdaughter, as well."The honor is ours, sir"."Thank you, father."We went back to Shou's room. I gave him the silent treatment all the way back."I thought it went very well," he said, "Why are you acting like it didn't?"" Exceptional caretaker my ass! I can't even tell Yuzu to dress properly and now she's supposed to go to the Aihara academy?! Also what's up with the grilling about my school days and you looking all embarrassed about it. Well excuse me, I didn't know I had to work on my CV for your father. I thought you and your dad didn't agree with each other, and suddenly you're acting all lovey-dovey. ""We don't see eye-to-eye on many things, but we both want what's best for Mei. I wouldn't have left her in his care if I didn't think he cared for her. Don't worry he'll look after Yuzu the best he can. And you very well so don't beat yourself up"."Do you realize I'm being judged on Yuzu's account? I will NEVER, you understand? NEVER tell Yuzu to make me look good. So you and your father can take that worthy of the Aihara name and shove it where the sun doesn't shine! Yes! This is my ugly side, you like it, baby?""I agree with you. Kids should not be pressured into making their parents look good and the excellent caretaker was my honest opinion.""Well… I-... Darn it! I won't apologize… You still think I flopped at school.""Do you want Yuzu and  Mei to follow your example?""I won't say it.""Don't worry about that. You had your circumstances. All we have to do is that Yuzu and Mei have the best tools they can to succeed. I know what they should do. You know what they shouldn't do.""I'm still mad at you.""Any way I can make it up to you.""There's a way, but it's unfair.""Just tell me…""Stay another week.""Ume…""I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't ask that, but that's how I feel. Hug me…"He complied. I don't know why my feelings are overflowing for this man."We're putting Mei and Yuzu through so much change at once. As if getting a new parent wasn't already a huge change. We're taking away their homes. Each of them going to get a new sibling. I won't be able to give Yuzu as much care as I used to. Mei will have to discover the new you… and now a new school for Yuzu. It's too much""I know""I wish there was a way to make this easier on them""We can't control the changes… But what we can control is their perception…""Spoken like a politician""You can take the man out of politics, but you can't take politics out of the man. Yuzu has to deal with moving out, transferring, me and Mei. Mei has to deal with moving out, me, Yuzu and You. She'll probably learn about Yuzu from father, so there's nothing we can do about that. So how about we don't tell Yuzu about Mei so she doesn't worry too much about her and how she affects your relationship. For Mei, how about you take her in and I don't come until she settled down with you and Yuzu.""In other words, you're dumping everything on me.""No, I-…""I'm joking. I think it's terrific. You go take care of things wherever you need to be. I'm taking care of things here. Yuzu is such a worrywart, so not telling her about Mei is not a bad idea. She'll cross that bridge when she gets there. I can't say I trust you with meeting with Mei and preparing her for us. I have to prepare her for meeting you.""Thank you for everything Ume.""Stop thanking me. We're family now. Stop apologizing too. I've chosen this. Don't feel grateful. I'm getting a lot out of this. More than you think.""I understand… Then how can I make things easier?""Now we're speaking the same language… How about-""We look for a home for our two girls, then we do that.""You rejected me two times in one day... ""You told me not to apologize, so what am I supposed to do here?""I'm not complaining… It's kind of hot…"We made the down payment on an apartment with a balcony near Aihara High.Two bedrooms, a cozy kitchen, and a spacy living room."I'll give the room with the balcony to Yuzu and Mei. Also, it's the nearest to the front door, so I can always tell them to answer the door.""I can tell if you're kind or mean."" Killing people with kindness is how I roll, baby.""I can tell.""As parents, we should mark this room. If we tell them we made love here, they won't bring any boys in here. We have a shower here…""Haha… As attractive as this sounds. I haven't brought spare underwear and I'm not going back withou-… What?"While he was making his excuse, I pulled a fresh pair of underwear from my bag.He laughed. Picked me up and pinned me against the wall."Third time IS a charm," I said through his kiss.He was aggressive but gentle in his lovemaking. A contrast often hard to master but it came naturally to him, or did it? I didn't care… xxx By the time I got home, Yuzu was already asleep. I lied down next to her and caressed her hair.We won't be alone anymore, sweety. You're getting a sister. It won't be easy on either of you, but I hope you'll find your way into loving each other. I've never had any siblings myself and I wished I could've given you one with normal means. Mei and you are the same age. You both lost your parents in different ways. Be kind to her. I can't ask you these things out loud, I'm sorry. I hope we can give you a happy home… xxx 
September 2010
 Parting with Shou was not easy. I kept on smiling through it all until he said, "You don't have to force yourself to smile" and made me cry on the spot. He made me smile through my tears later, but I won't forgive him for ruining my make-up.Three months have passed since. The mission he was working on canceled and they had to start from scratch somewhere else. I didn't know where he drew his courage and perseverance to persist in that work and those environments. When I asked him, he said: "There are many sources, and right now you're the main one". Cheesy as it was, I couldn't wipe my smile the whole day like a schoolgirl.I was left in charge of selling Shou's house. When I went there, it was empty. Mei had already packed her things. I checked all the rooms. None of them had a sign she stayed there. There wasn't much to clean. All the cleanup crew had to do is empty one shelf from the fridge.Yuzu took the whole thing rather well. She complained about being enrolled in an all-girls school and she pestered about Shou from time to time. She had Kana and Manami for a sleepover where she talked about her imaginary boyfriend. Those girls didn't suit her… I know both of them were getting laid. Poor her, I hope for her sake they didn't figure her out.I told Ayame, Kei, and Ibuki that it's been a year since I knew Shou. Ayame knew I was lying."He must be one hell of a guy for having swept you off your feet in such a short time," she said."He is" I replied.I told them all sorts of stuff about Mei that were a direct retelling of Shou's account of her. I didn't bear telling them the truth. Not that I was ashamed, but I felt that I had to protect my husband and our daughter's relationship, as fragile as it was.I haven't told Yuzu anything about Shou's job "difficulties". We agreed we'd keep them from both girls. We also didn't say anything about Shou not coming home today.On our last day before moving out, Yuzu and I visited Yanni's grave.For the first time, I was able to say:"Goodbye."

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Throughout the years, I came to envision many scenarios of how my reunion with Father would go. None of them involved him hugging another girl. None of them had him looking the way he does now.He kept on hugging Yuzu despite her best efforts to break away from him.“Sensei?” It was all I could say. My voice came out wrong. What is it with this display of... affection? Whatever it is, I never witnessed it before.“Huh? Sensei?” Yuzu tried to make sense of the situation. Apparently, mom didn’t even show her a picture of him. I wonder why... “I told you to stop calling me that, Mei.” He let go of Yuzu and pat her head. When did he tell me? In his letters? “I'm no teacher anymore. Call me Dad.”No longer a teacher?“Eh? That makes you my dad too!” Yuzu realizes. Father laughs at her enthusiasm. “Mei!”I can't deal with both her and the news dad just dropped on me. I specifically remember mom saying he was still teaching in other countries...“I brought tons of souvenirs,” Dad says. I can’t accept this. I need time to process this. I need to confirm what mom said and what he meant by not being a teacher anymore. Maybe I can find the answers on my own in one of his letters... If I'd known he'd be back today, I would have mustered the courage to read some of his latest letters. “Excuse me.”  I'm going to leave him with Yuzu and go read some of his letters.“ W-wait up!” Yuzu grabs my sleeve, preventing me from leaving. “Hey dad! Mei is amazing you know! She works hard on the student council. On top of that, she's smart and popular. While grandpa is away, she manages the school so you can take ov-...”“STOP IT!” I shout! That IDIOT!“Mei…” Dad’s is grave. “I'm not coming back to school,”My knees almost gave away... I should've known... Tears threaten to well up. I do my best to hold them back. I dart towards my room and slam the door shut behind me.“MEI!” Yuzu’s voice comes from behind the door. She can call all wants! I don't care! The father I had no longer exists! The single tie I had to her just broke.“I'm hungry. Let's get groceries,” I hear him say. He must've had a long trip. Mom was supposed to get the groceries, but I think there's something left in the fridge to concoct a sandwich. But all the same, I can't possibly fix him anything after the scene I made. I hope Yuzu has the presence of mind for doing it in my stead. Right now, I'm sure all she's thinking about is following me to our room...“Okay, let me grab my jacket,” she says. I hear her ever-upbeat footsteps go to the other side of the hallway. She came back after a few seconds. For a brief moment, I thought it was an excuse for her to come in. Who keeps a jacket outside their room? Did she know dad was coming? The apartment door clicked.I should've known. All she did for me was a part of a ploy to get close to my father. The second he appeared, I'm yesterday's news.. What am I doing?She proved time and time again that her feelings for me are as genuine as they can be. She might have gone with him just to get him and me to talk. She did promise to help me repair my relationship with him. I know she meant it, but she doesn't think things through... I wish she'd have talked to me first, before executing her plan or lack thereof.The phone rung.They're not home, so I might as well get it.“Hello, Aihara Residence,” I pick up the phone.“Oh, hello Mei-chan! It's me.” It was mom.“Hello.”“Is Sho there?“He went out with Yuzu for groceries.”“Just Yuzu? Why didn't you go too?”“I am a little tired.”“Whaaat?”“Why didn't you tell me he was coming today?”“I wanted to surprise you.”“Not everybody likes surprises…”“Mei, did you speak to Shou?”Did she assume I wouldn't? ” Technically I did. “Yes. When are you coming home?” I figured my best bet is to have father occupied while I work out some sort of plan with Yuzu to make up for my earlier behavior. Sometimes, it seems all I'm doing since coming to this house is damage control.“I'm going to be late. I'm held at the office. A situation arose, and I have to resolve it before tomorrow. You can have dinner without me. I'm so sorry.”“It's alright. Be safe.”“Thanks, dear. So tell me, how did you greet him?”“I have to go.”“Oh.. See you when I get home.”“Good luck with your work.” Can't I catch a break? I grab a pad and write down: "Mom will"...I reconsider my message. Calling her mom insinuates that I accepted Yuzu and her as my family. I was okay with that before I knew HE changed. I crumble up the paper and write on a new one: "Ume-san will be late. She says to have dinner without her."I stick the note the apartment door and retreat to my room. Does grandfather know? If he does, did he hide it from me all this time? Is that why he pushed himself too hard? Did my mother leave him because he decided to become "free"?“We're home!” Yuzu and father said in unison. Yuzu's voice came out all cheerful, and father's mirrored hers. It's as if they rehearsed it before coming in. He never spoke this way. I found myself glued to the door, listening in on them.“I'm gonna call your mom,” Father says.  “Okay! I'll see if Mei wants to have dinner with us,” Yuzuu says. With us ? So now I'm the outsider to the us ? Suddenly, she and father are a unity, and I'm the intruder? I hear Yuzu's footsteps getting closer. I hurry to the bed and grab a book.“Mei?” Yuzu knocks. “Come in,” I say.She gets in. “Do want to have dinner?” She asks. “No, I don't feel like it.”“Hey, I'm sorry about-...”“We'll talk about it later. Don't you think it's rude to leave dad waiting?”“A-Alright.”She goes back.I replied without lifting my head from the book I was pretending to read. "Rude"? I'm in no position for commenting on what's rude and what isn't. As per usual, Yuzu doesn't keep tabs. That's one of her best qualities, I guess… I go back and put my ear to the door. Father was in the midst of a call with mom. “Yes, yes. Here she comes. You were right,” he says.“Right about what?” Yuzu asks.“It's a secret.”“What?”“Yes, you were right about that too.”“That's not fair! What are you talking about?”“Married couple's Stu-... Ouch! I'm gonna get you for that! Bye, dear. There's a girl in need of some discipline. You're in big trouble young lady!”Playful laughter ensued. I tear myself away from the door… Yuzu knew him for less than an hour, and she's already closer to him than I ever was… So THAT's what he wants. A life without complications, surrounded by carefree people. I should've known. Deep down, I think I suspected it, but I didn't let myself believe. Ume is the opposite of everything my mother was. It's only natural that her daughter is the opposite of everything I am, The way he talked to Ume on the phone... I never heard him talk like that to my real mother. He even said he was looking forward to meeting Yuzu. Was he looking forward to seeing me too? Who am I kidding?And HER! "Help you fix my relationship with your father," she said! The bitch! All she's doing is enjoy being pampered by MY father. Serves me right for believing in her! And Ume! Pretending to be angry at me for saying, and rightly so, that she's no my real mother. All she cares about is her precious Yuzu. I can't believe I didn't figure it out before now! If I stayed at my grandfather's, it would've looked bad for her with father! So that's why she put on all that act!God! I don't know what's what anymore! All my life I strived for being the daughter HE wanted! It turns out he wanted something else altogether... He wanted Yuzu… What kind of joke is this?! The door rattled behind me...“ Mei, I'm coming in,” Yuzu said with a voice full of make-belief concern. She gets in and continues her masquerade: “Sorry. I put my foot in my mouth. I didn't think it was that bad.”“ It's completely over,” I say. “The father I admired... He was a stern and capable man. He valued the school before his own happiness. I was to follow in my father's footsteps. It was how I accepted my parents' divorce. I wanted dad to return to school as he was then. Five years ago, my goal became to protect the school. For that purpose, I would do anything.”“Mei! You don't have to suffer like that!”“What else was I supposed to do?! I've always lived for father's sake... I need that to get through life, and who else can do that...?” Not that I expect her to understand. Why am I even telling her this? Maybe, deep down I still want to believe she cares for me... I can't hold back the tears anymore. Why do I always cry in front of her?She climbs over the bed and tries to reach for me, but she holds back for some reason... I look her in the eye without wiping my tears. Those eyes shall never deceive me again...“Mei!” She says,Father? Is this the daughter you got to replace me? I will RUIN her!I grab her jaw and pull her into a kiss. Why is she too weak to kisses? As soon as I feel she can no longer resist me, I push her down.“Wa- Mei!” She calls my name. She quivers as I slide my left hand underneath her shirt and stop just below her breast.She's entirely entranced, maybe a little terrified. When I'm through with her, she'd no longer be able to think for herself. She'll be wrapped around my finger. “Yuzu…” I say her name sensually “I want you to need me. Could you do that? There are things you want to do with me, right? Come on, answer me, Yuzu.”Her breathing is ragged. She's flushed. She doesn't answer.I put my chest to hers, and then put my right hand on her breast. She grabs it right hand and pulls it aside. Is she trying to feign resistance? Her heart is beating fast. I caress her lower lip with my thumb while looking deep into her eyes, thus giving her the illusion I'm contemplating another kiss. “You'll accept me, right?” I ask.“Mei..” She let go of my hand and pulled me into a hug.She has completely given in. Too easy. “I’m good at following orders, just tell me what you want..” I break away from the hug and grab her collar.  “Would you prefer things like this, too?” I lick her neck. She shudders and arches her back. She's so sensitive. “ I could go even further, 'cause I don't care anymore…” I slide my hand into her pants. She twitches... I make my way under her panties. “I'll be gentle. It's your first time, isn’t?” Her expression changes. She grits her teeth...Without realizing how it happened, I'm no longer looking at her. I'm seeing the area of the bed beside her. My hand is no longer her pants. I have a ringing in left ear.She slapped me.“ Don't treat me like a fool!” She pushes me out of her way and get out of the bed. “Be considerate of people's feelings!”The ringing in my ear, the weight of slap, or the look of contempt she gave before she slapped me... I don't know which is more painful. She got out the extra sheets from the closet and went out, slamming the door behind her.But she... She always... She's the one who always.. DAMN IT!I stooped too low! What am I? A rapist?I hear a knock on the door. Is it father? Yuzu? Ume?“Hold on a second,” I say. My cheek is probably flushed. It started to sting. I try to hide it with my hair... Useless... I pretend to sleep, putting my left cheek on the pillow. “Come in.”No one comes in.“Come in,” I repeat. I get up to open the door, taking care of leaving my left cheek hidden. Nobody's here. I didn't take that long to open the door, did I? I notice an icepack on the floor. Yuzu... She's so... so...I grab the ice pack and  put it on my desk. Always going above and beyond, trying to prove she's the better person, isn't she? I hate her. I'm sure the feeling is mutual. Step-sisters not getting along is the norm. The most we can hope for is being civil to each other. Is that even possible after tonight? Who am I kidding? It stopped being possible since before we knew we were step-sisters. Another knock on the door. It's Ume. “Mei? It's me, can I come in?”“Yes,” I get in bed and put my left cheek on the pillow.“Oh! Are you already in bed?”“Yes, I'm tired.”  I reply without looking at her, keeping my left cheek on the pillow. She on Yuzu's side of the bed. “I'm sorry I wasn't here for your big reunion with Shou,” she says. What is she playing at? Is that her way of dealing with everything?
"I'm sorry I married your dad without meeting you."
She behaves irresponsibly then apologizes, expecting the other party to accept her actions no matter what they are.“I heard what happened with Shou,” she says, “and judging from how Yuzu is acting, you two got into a fight.”“Stop it, please.”“Stop what?”“All this ACT! You're not my MOTHER! She’s not my SISTER!” I get up to look her in the eye. “Trying to pick a fight with me too, aren't you? I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction... What's this?” She reaches for my cheek. I slap her hand. She gave me a stern look.“We all love you: your dad, me, Yuzu... Take responsibility for your feelings. If you don't like what your father has become, tell him. Instead of trying to blame it on Yuzu or me. Face him. That's part of being a family.”“You don't know me! Do you even know him?”“You're right. I'm not you after all. Let me ask this: Do you know me? Do you know Yuzu? Do you know your father? It doesn't matter who you are, we all feel pain. All we can do is be there for each other. You can keep on chasing that illusion of yours, keep on playing the tragic heroine if you want, but I'm not gonna stand by and let you take away the daughter the man I love lives for. He came here to see YOU. Not me, not Yuzu, YOU. Where's that Aihara sense of duty you're so proud of? Let me see it. Face him, like the heir of the Aihara you aspire to be. Tell him he should be ashamed of what he’s become if that's what you believe.” She gets up. “ Hate me if you want. I don't care. I will protect my family even from themselves, and that includes you. Good night, Put ice on your cheek.”Few minutes after mom got out, Yuzu came in.“Mom didn't let me sleep on the couch.,” she says without looking at me.Should I apologize? What should I even say? "Sorry for trying to rape you"?“I'm sorry for slapping you,” Yuzu says.I get under the sheets. I hate her.xxxI cried myself to sleep. Yuzu slept on the floor. I waited in bed for Yuzu to get ready. She took her sweet time. By the time she finished, I was already late. Once she got out, I got up and put on my uniform. On my way to the bathroom, I meet Ume.“Good morning,” she says. “ Join us for breakfast.”I don't answer. I just hung my head and get into the bathroom. I leave the door slightly open so that I could listen in on the conversation between father and Yuzu. “So you were teaching all over the world, Dad?” Yuzu asks MY father. “Yep. Even though I quit the academy, I created new schools and taught there,” he says“That's quite convoluted,” Yuzu says. Who is she to judge?“Ahaha. You can say that again!” How ironic. Here I am agonizing about asking him what he was up to, while the idiot asks him casually.I get out, making sure of slamming the door, signaling that I went out.xxxMy day at school was no help. I excused myself from the student council duties. Himeko, surprisingly, didn't bother me. Yuzu didn't come near me either. Who could blame her? The only glimpse I got of her all day was when I went back to my seat after solving a problem on the blackboard. She looked distracted.After school, I excused myself again at the student council. I took some files with me, promising to take care of them at home. I went to chairman office and locked myself in.I look over the file I had in hand. Exam period on the last week of the month. I got to make sure club activities are suspended for-... What's the point!I hit the wall with the file, and papers flew everywhere.I can't do anything right...I grab a photo from Grandfather's desk. Dad, mom, and me...What was it mother told me before leaving?
"Stay strong."
How can I even do that? When she remarried, she called me.
"You can no longer count on me. Here's the number of my Lawyer. He made sure part of the Aihara fortune will always remain yours, even if your father remarries."
I wonder how she would react if I showed up on her doorstep? She always instructed me how  an Aihara Lady should behave. A task she ultimately chose to forgo. I don't have such a luxury.I wish I were born a boy... Things would have been much, much easier..."The School is closing." The Public Address system... How long have I been here?Father… I should get myself together."Remaining students are reque- gwaah!"What's going on?"Mei, listen to me!"Yuzu?"You fought so hard for your father and the academy, and I've seen it and acknowledge it. Mei, you did a great job!"Why does she always..."So... Don't be so hard on yourself!"What does she know?"Stop toiling away for the sake of other people! Mei...! Shall we see Dad off, now? I'll be waiting for you!" See Dad off ?Is he leaving? He just arrived yesterday from... wherever!Where is she? She said she'd be waiting for me. Maybe she's in front of my locker.I go there and I find Himeko giving her a lecture: “Good grief! Do you ever stop to think about what you're doing?! You could get expelled for this reckless behavior. Are you listening?! I say this for your own-”“Yuzu…” I say her name… Now Yuzu embodies all the hope I have for seeing Dad again. Yuzu beamed. I thought I'd never see her smile for me again...“Come, Mei! Let's go!” She grabs my hand and drags me. She didn't even let me put on my outdoor shoes. I can't bring myself to complain.At the entrance, we met with her friend Taniguchi. She gave Yuzu her bike. “Use this Yuzu-chi! I was waiting for you.”“ Thanks, Harumin!”  Yuzu gets on and pats on the back seat, giving me an inviting smile. “Come on!”“Do you even know where he is?” I ask.“Yes! Mom told me! Just get on already, and hang on tight!”I did, and off she went.She didn't say a word for minutes. I'm not sure whether she's out of breath or she's focused on the road. That's a girl I pushed down, humiliated, and reprimanded. A girl I never thanked for anything she did for me. She still comes through every time I need her. If roles were reversed, I would've shunned her for the rest of my life. There's no explanation for the way she's acting...When we get to a safe enough area, I finally ask her what was on my mind: “Yuzu, why do you always act without thinking?”“I do think! I think a lot about you, Mei. That's why I'm able to do this.”“That doesn't answer the question.”“There isn't one right way in life. If I want to do something, then that's what I'll do!”When did she gain so much perspective on life?xxx“We're almost there! I should have asked mom for his phone number. We don't have the money to go to the airport.”I can't believe we made it to the station on a bike. We kept running around until Yuzu spotted Father.“I see him! He's still here! Dad! Mei, come on!” Yuzu calls out.I follow her. She’s right. “Sen...sei…” I say through my ragged breath. Seeing him again, a torrent of feelings went through my heart. Out of breath, I clench my fists in an effort to collect my thoughts.I felt a hand grabbing my fist. Yuzu... I turn to her. She nods without looking my way as if to say face him . Yuzu, mom. They went out of their way to get me to see him off.I'm not alone.“Be safe, and goodbye... Dad!”Without a word, he puts on the biggest of smiles and turns away. He waves at us and goes on… My heart...“Come back soon, y'hear! Mei will miss you!” Yuzu waves back. What is she? My spokesperson? She kept on waving until my dad was out of sight.Yuzu...
"You fought so hard for your father and the academy, and I've seen it and acknowledged it. Mei, you did a great job!"

"Stop toiling away for the sake of other people!"
“Yuzu. I will be the one to take over the academy, and this time I'll do it of my own volition.” I want her to hear my resolution.“Yes... I think that's great,” she gives me  approval an approval I didn’t seek. “So what should we do now?”“Head back home, of course.”“Yeah…”“Thank you, for everything.”“No need to thank me. I'm your big sister.”I turn away. She acts as if I didn't try to do awful things to her... I have to find a way to make it up to her. We go out of the station. She grabs Taniguchi's bike. We walk in silence for minutes. Yuzu being Yuzu, can't stay silent for long.“We gotta return the bike to Harumin tomorrow,” Yuzu says.“The academy doesn't permit commuting by bike, you know?” I say.“What?”Of course, she wasn't aware. Maybe it's her way of being free. A complete disregard for the rules… I'm starting to see the charm of such a life… I stop and bow down. “I apologize from my behavior, yesterday, in our bedroom…”“Huh? Oh.. you mean that... It's alright. You were upset.”“Yes, but I didn't consider your feelings.”“Remember that time in the chairman's office? I didn't consider your feelings either, and you did tell me not to apologize then, so... Don't worry about it, and I did slap you, how's your cheek by the way?”“It's alright…” It's not the same thing at all... I was on the verge of trying to rape her.. Maybe she doesn't see it that way. Perhaps I'm overthinking. I'm apologetic and grateful towards her. Maybe those are feeling you shouldn't harbor for your family. Maybe I should stop worrying about every single thing and be a proper sister. “I'm going to read Dad's letters tonight... Would you like to join me?”She gasps. “Yes, yes, yes! Please!” She lets the bike fall and pulls me into a hug.”What's with you?”“You have no idea how much this means to me!”“You're right, I have not.”She just smiles and picks up the bike “Wanna ride again?”“Why?”“So that we can read dad's letters as soon as possible.”
"I do think! I think a lot about you, Mei. That's why I'm able to do this."
“Alright,” I say.xxxWhen mom got home, I met her at the door, bowing down. “I apologize for all the trouble I caused.”She puts away her shoes. “Did you see him off properly?” She asks.“Thanks to Yuzu and you, I did.”“I don't accept your apology. You have to take responsibility.”“I intend to. Please let me know how I can make amends.”“Good. For your father, as soon as I get his new number, you're gonna speak to him weekly.”“I will.”“For me, you're not going to perform any student council business for a week. You have exams coming up; I don't want you burning out again.”I'm in no position to protest. “I will let my fellow members know.”“For Yuzu, I'll let you two work it out.”“We already did.”“You did?”“Yes.”“I see... You grew closer than I thought…”I wonder...xxxDuring dinner, Yuzu went through the excruciating details of how we caught up to Dad. Mom listened in earnestly, giving me "that's cute!" from time to time. I'm sure I thought this before, but I'm grateful my dad chose them as our new family.I can't fathom what possessed me yesterday... It all seems like a distant past, somehow.After dinner, Yuzu and I spent three hours reading dad's letters. We took turns reading the letters out loud. I always pictured myself reading them alone. I never thought I'd let someone this close to something so personal. She seemed to enjoy the letters and the pictures that accompanied them wholeheartedly. “Ahaha! What a picture! They all look ridiculous! Is this with a panda?”“That was all of them. It's amazing how many countries dad has visited. I turned him down the entire time, and now after reading this, I feel I didn't get enough of him.”Yuzu is crying. She was laughing her heart out just now!“Why are you crying?” I ask. “ I don't know. You finally read your dad's letters, and I feel so relieved. Sorry, I'm crying while it's probably you who wanted to cry.”How many people in this world would cry for me? All I've done since meeting her was hurt her. Even when I wanted to apologize, I ended up asking her to read Dad' letters with me. I always take advantage of her beautiful heart. I sippose this is my chance to start making amends. I will hug her and comfort her until her tears settle down.I sit beside her and use my finger to wipe her tear gently. It startled her. She turned to face me... We're so close that the only thing I can see is her emerald eyes... They're beautiful... I close my eyes and find myself... Kissing her? Being kissed? My mind just goes blank, and I let myself sink into it... Her lips... She's so soft... I need her... She's going in deep, and I'm letting her... I'm out of breath, and I feel like she is too. I don't want to open  my eyes. We give each other a semblance of respite by changing the angles, without disengaging the kiss. I feel the tip of her fingernail. Slowly we intertwine the rest of fingers...I don't know how long we kept on kissing or how we stopped... But we stayed there, sitting, out of breath, our fingers still interlocked...Just like that, we kissed again. Who initiated it? Me? Her? It wasn't my intention...God... This can't be undone...“Mei…” She says my name. She's terrified… God, no, no, no!She crawled to her side of the bed, and I did the same. She's facing the other way, and I'm lying on my back. I can't bring myself to move into a more comfortable position. I feel like the slightest movement from me would scare her...My heart is racing. This kiss was nothing like the others.No, No... I'm not like that.  The way she looked at m... I've never seen her make such a terrified expression. But she didn't deny the kiss. She may even have started it. How did this happen?Will there ever be a night where I can sleep without thinking of her?How will dad and mom react if they find out we've been... This the fourth? The fifth one?Did it feel different for her too? I'm not even like that... I never looked at a girl that way...xxxOf all the sleepless nights I had since coming here, this was the most painful. I can tell Yuzu didn't sleep either. I stayed on my back all night and most of the morning.I didn't get up until Yuzu got a call. She got up and went out of the bedroom.I painfully shifted to a more comfortable position...Yuzu came back, got dressed, and went out again.After a few minutes, I get up too. Mom was in the living room, looking at some schematics on her laptop.“Good morning,” I say. “Good morning, dear.” mom says“Did Yuzu go to Taniguchi's again?” Will this be a redo of the chairman's room incident?“ Yes. She said Harumi would help her study.” Mom says. What? Would that girl help her study? “Is that a problem?” “What do you mean?”“You should've seen the face you made…”“ Well... I don't trust her friend would be a good choice to tutor her. She said, and I quote: I think I'll fail the test .”“ I know they'll probably just spend all day gossiping about boys... I remember my own study sessions.” “And you're okay with that?”“Are you?”I don’t answer.She picked up her phone and did something on it. “Hello, Mei wants to talk to you.” She hand me the phone.“Who's this?” I ask before ptting the phone to my ear. She just smiles. I go on with the call “Hello?” It was Yuzu.“Hello... I wanted to say... Come back... We're studying together.”“Euh. I promised Harumi I'd study with her…”“Who's ranked higher?”“You, I guess…”“Then, clearly, I'm the better choice as a study partner.”“But I have her bike…”“Fine, return it. Remind her it's against the rules. Excuse yourself, and come back. You can blame it on me... I expect you here by 11:00.”“But that's in twenty minutes.”“Fine. 11:30. Be safe.”I hang up and give the phone back to mom. She claps slowly, feigning amazement.xxxDeep into our study session, I noticed that Yuzu is more studious than I thought. Her notes are very organized, albeit colorful. Her handwriting is tidy. She grasps things quickly. Her only shortcoming is her attention span. Out of nowhere, she fell over. She has strange study habits...“Will you concentrate on your work already?” I reprimand her. “I'm helping you study for your sake here! If you don't want to give grandfather more stress, you should at least score in the top 100.”She doesn't reply to my mini-lecture... I go back to my work. I can tell she's not working. I steal a glance at her. She's staring intently at me. What's with her?“If you continue to be like this, you might have to repeat or even drop out.”“Hey, Mei... I'm a bit of a fool, so... I need a clear explanation of something…” She scoots over to me and hugs me. She whispers in my ear. “What did that kiss mean?”What did it mean? I should be asking you that... Why did I lose myself into it? Why am I feeling weak in your arms right now? I don't know... I don't want to know...“I can't study until I know,” she says. “Because, in this state, I don't know how to behave around you, Mei…”It seems we have the same concerns. I settle myself down. I will make this easier on both of us...“There was no meaning to it,” I say as bluntly as I could. I push her away. “We're both girls, and on top of that we're sisters, so we shouldn't try to become more than that. We need to stop with what we were doing.”I hate this... Always making her feel like she's the one at fault.This is for the best...

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

"...We should stop what we were doing," I say."I-I understand…" Yuzu stutters"If you do, let's get back to studying.""O-okay. Just let me get some air.""No, you won't.""What?""I'm not letting you slack off any longer. No matter what the reason is…""I'm not trying to-...""You think you aren't, but you are. If you weren't, you wouldn't have brought up such a useless topic."She's on the brink of tears..."You had that expression when you looked at me, and…""What expression?""Geez! Forget it.""Alright. Do the same, please. Since mom forbade me from doing student council work until the exams are done, I figured I might as well help you study. I'll pick you up after class from now on, and we'll review during lunch. We'll be spending a lot of time together in the upcoming week... This is the last time we speak of this, go it?"She lowered her head and scooted back to her cushion. "Got it," she says in a small voice.In any other circumstances, I wouldn't be sitting with her, but she slacked off so much during the term. I vouched for her with grandfather, so it's the least I can do. She also might have been distracted because of me. Although I think that Taniguchi girl is the main source of distraction... I wish I met Yuzu before Taniguchi did...I probably did. I just wasn't aware of who she was. I would have probably introduced myself as her sister, and therefore we wouldn't have been hostile to each other, and that kiss would have never happened...If I only could rewrite the past... I would have not carelessly kissed her. As it stands, I am the only human being she kissed. That's why she's so desperate for it to mean something. If she takes one moment to reflect on any of our kisses, she'll notice that on each occasion one of us was upset. She thought that last one was different because it was gentle while the other ones were forced... She was crying and mistook my attempt to comfort her for an "approach," and she kissed me, thinking she was reciprocating something... That is why she thinks I initiated it."Mei... Mei!" Yuzu's voice pulls me out of my thoughts "Huh... What?" I try to regain my composure."Sorry... You seemed to be thinking too hard there.""Oh... Yes... I just remembered a challenging problem on what we just covered. Once you master the basics, let's try solving it.""Even Mei has things she finds difficult, huh?""Of course, I do. Let's take a break. There is no point in continuing if you interrupt your train of thoughts and mine every five minutes.""Sorry…""As long as you understand. I have to call Himeko for something. Let's go back to studying when I come back.""I'm gonna call Harumin, then," she says.I sigh audibly, but she seems to pay me no mind. "Hello!" She grabs her smartphone and throws herself on the bed.I get out of there. For some reason, I can't stand the singular way she talks to that girl. I have to call Himeko anyway.Mom is in the living room. She is staring hard at her laptop. Leftover work, I guess. She's the reason we stayed home instead of going to the library, even though we put on our uniforms. Upon announcing that we were heading out, she said: "I can't let you go to school. You'll end up going to the student council to do this or that. Plus, since Sho left, I'm lonely..."She said that, but I can see that she's busy. She's in the middle of a big project, and it doesn't seem like it's going very well. All I've been doing is causing her trouble. The least I can do is obey her. I didn't expect to genuinely end up liking her. She's making an honest effort at getting close to me, but I can't help but feel worried. No matter what we do, I'll never be as close to her as Yuzu is, so what's the point?I'm fortunate enough Yuzu isn't a vengeful person. We kissed five times. Three of which were initiated by me. As close as she is to her mother, she kept to herself and didn't think of blackmailing me. For a girl with bleached hair, she's so pure-hearted. I thought she was a delinquent when I first met her. Now I can see that she only dresses like that to be "cute." Haven't mom ever told her that she didn't need any of that? I wonder how she'd look with her natural hair...I dial Himeko's number from the phone in the kitchen."Momokino Residence," the familiar voice of the Momokinos' maid answers."Hello, Aihara Mei speaking. Can I talk to Himeko, please?" I ask"Of course, Aihara-sama. I will let her know that you are on the phone.""Thank you."A few seconds later, Himeko picked up. "Hello, Mei-mei!""Hello. I'm just calling to inform you that I won't be attending the meeting next week.""Why? Are you sick?""No. I'm fine. It's just-..." I didn't think this through. I can't tell her that I'm being punished. Also, if I tell her that it's for the duration of the exams, I'm sure murmurs within the student council will start. "I have a family situation I have to deal with. I can still do work by proxy. I just won't be attending the meetings.""That girl caused you trouble, didn't she?""If by that girl you mean Yuzu may I ask why you'd think that?""Well... The last time I saw you, she kidnapped you after high-jacking the PA system. I assumed she caused a problem with your dad…"" In fact, she helped me. Thanks to her, I was able to talk to him.""Oh... I'll let this one slide, then. I'm happy for you""Thanks... I apologize again for not being able to-...""You know, Mei-mei. That girl is not the only one you can count on... I'm here for you, too.""I don't count on her in the least. She's careless and doesn't listen to what I tell her.""Yeah! She's so annoying that way!""No, she's not.""I didn't mean to-...""Don't mind me... I'm a little tired"" I'm a bit jealous of how much you've come to treasure her in such a short time. Maybe she's been able to get through to you because she doesn't listen to you…"" You're reading too much into my relationship with her. Have a good day.""Take care, Mei-mei."Of all the kisses, she witnessed the one where I was the one being pushed down. What would she think if she saw the others? Himeko is under the impression that I am being pushed around in this "relationship." Most of the time, it's the other way around...I go back to our room. Yuzu is still in the same position I left her in. "I have to go…" she says. "No! It's not like that!... I'll make it up to you after the exams. I promise... Aw... I miss you too." Miss her? They see each other every day. If anything, they're spending too much time together. Sometimes all Yuzu can talk to mom about during meals is Harumin this, Harumin that . "I reeally have to go now. Mei's back... What?! Noo... I'm not! You're one to talk! You're always like "Big sis! Bye!" At least I say goodbye properly!... I don't care that she's my own age." They’re starting a pointless argument. I clear my throat. “Okay! Okay! Break time's officially over! Say hi to grandma for me... Love you too!” Love you too ? Is that something one says to a friend? Taniguchi is more vulgar than I thought. Taking advantage of Yuzu's innocence...“Sorry…” Yuzu says. “How's Momokino-san?”“She's fine,” she says. “Do you always talk to her about me?”“ Not really... Your name comes up from time to time like: If Prez sees you wearing that... or Mei would kill me if I go there... or Mei is helping me study ... things like that.”“Please refrain from doing that…”“Why?”“How would you feel if Himeko and I talked about you?” I ask, as if didn’t do it a few minutes ago...“ I don't mind. It'd probably go like this: Aihara Yuzu broke a rule by breathing! . Am I right?”She made a perfect impression of Himeko. It's funny. Trying to hide my thoughts, I sigh, “Let's get back to work.”“Before we do that... I'm sorry I brought up yesterday's kiss. In reality, I had already made up my mind of being your sister that day when we visited my dad. Yesterday's kiss confused me, I guess... So... No hard feelings?”“None. I'm glad we've got that sorted. You didn't need to apologize. It was as much my fault as it was yours.”“ Fault ?” she asks, offended. “I-... I-... Let's get back to work!” She sits violently at the table and starts scribbling. She didn't like my wording. I didn’t mean it like that… We were both-… I don’t know how it happened.  “Let's.” I don't make any effort in clarifying what I meant. I don’t want to spend more time NOT revising. We're already behind schedule.xxxDuring the week that followed, I spent more time with Yuzu than I did before. She made sure I didn't do any student council work, and I made sure she didn't go anywhere after school. We had all our meals together, including lunches at school. Himeko and Taniguchi joined us and made things tiresome; Himeko with her snide remarks to Yuzu, and Taniguchi with her excessive skinship.While Yuzu met Himeko's remarks with dismissive laughs, she welcomed Taniguchi's habits. Taniguchi always greets Yuzu with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. They also share food sometimes. While there's nothing wrong with that, the way they do it is what makes my skin crawl. They feed each other using one another's chopsticks. The thought of having kissed Yuzu while she had that girl's saliva in her mouth made my stomach churn.If I hadn't kissed Yuzu, I would have spoken against this unsanitary behavior. Not only it would a ridiculous case of "the pot calling the kettle black", but the conversation that would follow would also be ridiculous: "How could you swallow someone else's saliva?" "Was my saliva disgusting?". There's no reply that would maintain the "neutral" state we seem to have achieved. I'll do anything to get her through the exams in peak conditions. I know how emotional she can get, so I'm trying not to upset her. I'm already walking a tight rope as it is: I took her first kiss, molested her, tried to rape her, then shot her down when she asked me about that kiss. I'm glad she doesn't hate me already. I would have justified that by her being head over heels for me, but I don't think that's the case. She might think she is, but that's just because she's inexperienced in love. I came on to her more than she came on to me. She kissed me in the chairman's room because she was confused, and she did "that" in the train because Himeko misguided her. Add to that the fact that she cares deeply for me. Even that is a big assumption. She probably cares for the concept of a little sister rather than for me personally. She was an only child her whole life. When I appeared before her, she was pleased with the idea had "someone to protect". She even went as far as declaring it to her father. Regardless of how misguided her intentions were, she did help me, and I'm grateful for that. That's why I'm trying my best to help her study.I was pleasantly surprised by how much she applied herself. She took the flashcards I prepared for her everywhere and added more of her own."You're rubbing off each other splendidly," mom said one day.I didn't ask what she meant. I learned to not take everything she says seriously as she tries to tease me most of the time.On the exams eve, Yuzu panicked. “There's no way I'll be in Top100!” she says. “And after all the trouble you went through, Mei…” “Get some sleep. That's the only thing you can do now,” I state the obvious. “Maybe I can go over those flashcard one last time...:”She gets out of bed and sits at the desk. I feel guilty for having pressured her. Grandfather didn't have such a condition for her. It was only I who told her that... At this point, I don't care what score she ends up getting. I'm proud of her for trying. She'll do it next time, I'm sure. I can't tell her that now, though. I feel I'd be undermining her efforts.She brings her flashcards and turns the bedside lamp on. I take them off her “That's enough! A night of good sleep is as vital as revising.”“But I'm soo nervous! I can't sleeeep!” She protests.“ Sto-...” I stop myself. I shouldn't scold her now...I made it all week without getting angry at her. “Listen... Give yourself more credit. You prepared well. Now the last bit of the preparation you need is sleeping well before the exam. Just close your eyes and think about something else. What do you usually do when you can't sleep?”“I don't know... I usually watch some TV…”“That would beat the purpose…”“Well... There was something mom used to do when I was little…” She fidgets. I wait for her to finish her thought. “We used to cuddle…”“I think she's asleep already... So…”“I was thinking... You and me... You see…”Not this again…“No no... It's not like that…” She must have sensed my annoyance. “We're sisters, right? So... That’s not... you know…”“I suppose so... How about I hold your hand?” “I guess that would work…”“Now. Focus on sleeping, please…” I face her, hold her hand and tuck myself in. “I have to sleep too... You don't want me to wake up all drowsy, do you?”“Of course not!”“Goodnight.” “G-goodnight,” she puts her smile on the pillow with a big smile on her face.After a while, I felt her body relax and her breathing slow down... She has managed to doze off in ten minutes. As usual, she was just being a drama queen… I watch her sleeping face... Her hand is so warm… She's sleeping soundly. I feel butterflies in my stomach. This is the first time I acted like a proper sister. It's nice... I brush her hair. I hope we can go on like this...If Taniguchi kisses her, while justifying it by being friends, I'm sure I'm more than entitled to be able to give her a sisterly kiss. I plant a kiss on her forehead and whisper. “Good work... and thank you for everything…”She always smells so sweet...xxxThat was the best I slept in months. I’m getting used to the warmth Yuzu adds to the bed the colder the days become...I nudge her… She opens her eyes slowly...“Good morning,” I say softly. “Sleep well?”She took a moment to adjust to the light. She’s so adorable when she’s drowsy… “ G'd m'ning…” She says, letting go of my hand to rub her eyes. I feel kind of... sad... Sad is not the word. Melancholic, maybe. In a week I'll go back to my student council duties, and she'll go back to wasting time with Taniguchi... It'll be another four months that we'll be able to spend as much time together... When that time comes, I'll make sure she gets in the top 100.xxxThe week of the exams went on without incidents. Lunches and dinners were spent comparing answers. Yuzu made a lot of mistakes, but I have to admit, the tests weren't that easy. Each time I made sure to remind her that learning was what's important.On Saturday following the exams, mom took us out. On Sunday, we stayed in and talked to Father. Mom and yuzu were so vocal about missing him, that I had to say that I missed him as well. He had the wide but kind of an awkward smile and said that he missed me too. Mom and yuzu kept on acting silly... They both hugged me and kissed me, each a cheek. Dad was so pleased that he asked for an encore so he can take a screenshot.I felt conflicted that Yuzu kissed me twice without any signs of embarrassment while I made such a big deal out of it. Skinship is supposed to be natural between siblings. I disagree, but she seems to think it's even natural between friends. It's I who warped its nature, to be fair. What annoys me most is that I used not to give such things much thought... When did I become this complicated? The way Yuzu dressed didn't help either. I couldn't fathom how she could let dad see her like that.xxxMy return to student council duties meant that Yuzu and I stopped having lunches together. Which meant Taniguchi finally had her to herself. Not that my presence stopped her from being inappropriate. We still had dinners together when it was her turn to cook. When it was mine, she'd always come until after I would have eaten.We stopped talking much in bed now that we didn't have exams anymore. Homework wasn't good enough a reason for us to do it together...We only talked when mom was around... Without a suitable topic, we didn't seem to be able to hold a conversation. She and I are too different...Tomorrow, we'll get the exams results so that we can display them the day after. If she ends up getting good marks in the exams, I should do something nice for her. Maybe I should do it regardless. She put up a genuine effort after all. Perhaps I should get her a teddy to replace Anthoniko?Perhaps that's something we can discuss...xxxI managed to finish "Into the Forest", the novel I started three months ago. It never took me this long to finish a book. Of course, I didn't have Yuzu in my life before, either. She intrudes on everything I do. What's worse is that she doesn't have to be physically there to do that. She's always in the corners of my thoughts, making her very existence distracting. Up to now, reading has helped me keep my mind off things. This particular novel was the wrong way to go when it came to keeping my mind off her. Not only the story is about two sisters exploring their bond in a pseudo-post-apocalyptic scenario, but the characters themselves are also reminiscent of her and me. Eva, the self-centered sister would be me; and Yuzu would be Nell, the selfless narrator. Some of Nell's traits suited me more than they did Yuzu, like relying on books to feed oneself with emotions. Likewise, there were moments where Eva acted just as emotional or lazy as Yuzu would. So I kept switching those positions as I read, and thus Yuzu kept intruding even on my most private haven...The story explores what they needed to do to survive in the house their father left them, without electricity, or running water. The house that was surrounded by a forest, hence the title. They had to work together to learn to live off nature and learn many survival skills... At one point in the story, Eva was raped by a passer-by. After that, the sisters spent days cooped up in fear. The situation couldn't continue like that as it meant they wouldn't survive for long. Nell tried to resume their struggle for survival whereas Eva continued her descent into despair. As time went by, Nell grew tired of the apathetic mess that Eva has become. She asked her to help her with a garden she was trying to plant, but Eva insisted it was useless anyway...Eva finally decided to help Nell when the latter had a back injury... Eva, being a dancer, had some Chiropractic knowledge. She gave Nell a massage... While it seemed that Eva has moved on from her experience, but she started crying again...Nell recomforted her and offered a massage of her own.The pages that followed tore my heart:
"When it seemed she had relaxed back into herself, I dug deeper, pushing and kneading and squeezing the horrible memories and new habits the rest of her body harbored. She shuddered and winced, stiffened and struggled, and each time finally gave way, yielding even more profoundly as her muscles discovered there was no need to cling to all that pain.

Slowly my sister softened grew passive and spent until at last every muscle in her back was loose, and when I lifted her arm, her hand flopped limply. For the first time since the rape, her flesh was not afraid, and I felt a joy rise in me, through my hands, up my arms, swelling my heart because it seemed it was in my power to help my sister heal.

I began caressing her softly then, my hands working as gently as breath across her back, telling her good-bye, that my work was done. I touched her the way I would touch a fledgling bird, treasuring and tendering what I could hardly believe had allowed itself to be held. But even as I stroked her to wean her from my touch, I could feel new tension enter her body. For if her flesh was now relaxed, it was also vulnerable and open to intrusion, and I could sense her fear that I might leave her.

So I continued to stroke her, waiting for the time when her body would tell my hands it no longer needed their touch. I loved her so—my sweet, sweet sister—loved in her all else I had ever loved, loved all of her I knew and all I knew I could never reach, loved this dancer, this beautiful woman beneath my hands, sister with whom I had once peopled a forest, sister with whom I had suffered so many things, sister whom I could leave for neither love nor death.

I love you, my hands said. Remember this is yours, they told her. This body is yours. No one can ever take it from you, if only you will accept it yourself, claim it again—your arms, your spine, your ribs, the small of your back. It's all yours. All this bounty, all this beauty, all this strength, and grace is yours. This garden is yours. Take it. Take it back.

I ached with love for her. My hands trembled across her back. I wanted to save her life, wanted to call her soul back from the dark place where it crouched. I loved her so much, loved each swell and plane of her, each quirk and quickness, loved the eager way her lungs drew air, the way her spine arched as my hands floated the curve of her hips, wandered down the twin columns of her thighs to the hollows of her knees, and then retraced their path, to meet at that shadow where her legs converged.

When she turned to face me, I could see she had returned at last. She was alive with a longing that so shook me that I quailed. But before I could pull away, she began, with fingers and palms and breath and tongue, to teach me more than I had just shown her about the sanctity and rapture of being flesh.

We made love, my sister and I. Together we resurrected the joy of both our bodies. Together we remembered that not all force is violence, and when Eva, who had huddled into her shame and silence and pain, arched and opened, and cried out, I knew that something precious had been redeemed.

We cuddled like babies until we slept, and later we woke and rose together from her mattress, dressed and drank water and went outside together to plant the new garden."
I cried for a good five minutes after reading that.The fact that I mapped Nell and Eva to Yuzu and I made matters worse... For two reasons...First, I don't want to imagine a scenario where Yuzu gets raped. Although that is exactly what I tried to do to her, the night father came back... Second, I don't want to think of making love to Yuzu. Unfortunately, that's what I pictured when I was reading...But still, I cried and thought it was beautiful... Sisters making love, an unacceptable situation...Then it dawned on me...That's how Yuzu must have felt when she read that manga. When I read it, I was actively trying to dismiss her thought process... I didn't really put myself in her shoes... That's a book that spoke to her, while this one spoke to me...Am I starting to understand her? Or is it just a fabrication of my imagination... Perhaps I'm confused too...I can lie to myself all I want, but that last kiss was different. That's why I need to stomp down anything that is threatening to sprout... For her sake and mine. In the end, those were fiction and this is reality. Fiction is made to escape the mundane, yet I try foolishly to make it suit that same mundane. Such is the farce of my escapism.While this novel wasn't helpful in achieving that purpose, I'm confident I can manage to find something that is. I do not know what it should have, but I do know what it should not have. It has to be so removed from reality and it should not feature sisters, love, or sex... A horror novel perhaps.One of the things I bonded over with my step-mother is our mutual interest in foreign fiction. She said that when she was my age, she desired to become a fantasy novelist. She loved Stephen King's "Salem's Lot" so much that she wanted her "debut" novel to feature vampires. She ended up owning an embarrassing amount of vampire-centered fiction. I never would have thought it would come in handy someday, yet here I am.I browse a few vampire volumes from my mother's library. They all seem pretty long. Until I recover my reading pace, I can't dive into the obvious one "Dracula". I'd better go for a short one this time around. "Carmilla" by Joseph Sheridan LeFanu... This wouldn't take long to finish...xxxAlthough I accepted the reality that Yuzu might not get good results, it didn't stop me from being anxious all day. Yuzu seems to have forgotten about them, and her friend obviously doesn't care... I didn't remind her. It might be best that she's relaxed about it...“ Done,” Maruta-senpai says. She worked on compiling the list of the top ranked students. I used to have a hard dishing out orders to my senpais in the student council, but she helped me through it a lot. She’s also very kind to Yuzu and excessively ind to Taniguchi-senpai’s sister. If I believe the stories, Taniguchi-senpai and her used to be very close. She gave up the position of the vice-president to let me appoint Himeko.  “We'll hang these up tomorrow,” I say “Let's call it a day for now.”“Good work everyone,” Himeko says.I scan the names as quickly as I can... Here she is.  Yuzy is ranked 97.“Goodness, did that girl really score this high?” Himeko notices that I’m looking at her name “Yet the test was difficult this time. She must have studied really hard.”She did. I’m so glad… “President looks so relieved.” Maruta-senpai says, beaming.I glance at the top of the list — rank 1. “Of course,  It is primordial that I maintain my rank. I must set an example for all the students.”“Especially Yuzu-chan”“Including Aihara-san.”“Are you going to tell her when you get home,” Maruta-senpai points at the 97.“It would constitute preferential treatment.”“I t's only preferential if you prefer her…”I know what she's trying to do. Yuzu will probably learn er rank before tomorrow whether I tell her or not. Taniguchi-senpai keeps an eye on her sister through the members of the previous student council; among which Maruta-senpai seems to hold a special place. Taniguchi-senpai probably has been told that her younger sister was spending time with a delinquent... The reason Taniguchi-senpai haven't been to the academy to check in-person was probably because of Maruta-senpai, who seems to have a soft spot for Yuzu -chan... Good thing Yuzu wasn't around Taniguchi while preparing, otherwise Taniguchi-senpai would blame Yuzu for her sister's failings… Where did Taniguchi rank anyway? 73… The bitch! Putting ideas in Yuzu's head like I will fail ... But...“Taniguchi-senpai's sister ranked 73…” I say nonchalantly.Maruta-senpai turned livid. I knew it. Taniguchi was supposed to have a higher rank. If anyone knows how ruthless Taniguchi-senpai is, it's Maruta-senpai. “Excuse me…” Maruta-senpai  gathered her things and got out. She probably wanted to hurry out to make a call...“You didn't need to do that, you know…” Himeko says.“Do what?” I feign ignorance. I know it was uncalled for, but everyone should stay away from my relationship with Yuzu.  xxxOn the way home, Himeko complained that I walked too fast. Rather, I think she was purposefully dragging her feet. When we had to go our separate ways, she tried to delay me. I didn't cave.Yuzu must be home. It's her turn to make dinner. The smile she's gonna put on when she learns she did it... I'm not going to tell her about Taniguchi's rank. In fact, that's the whole reason why I should tell her now. If she sees tomorrow, she'd probably be with Taniguchi and she won't enjoy it as much since Taniguchi ranked higher... Next time, we'll push for Top50. She has the ability. We'll just have to start working earlier. Hopefully, by the time she graduates, she'll be in the Top10, and Grandfather will be happy to introduce her as his granddaughter. More importantly, she'd be able to go to a good University. Who knows? Maybe she'd even be able to get into the same University as m-...Huh?The apartment door is locked. She always leaves it open for me... Which means she’s not here...Just in case, I look for her in our room... She's not here. Strange.I check the fridge. No groceries. We still have a ways to go before she makes it to the top 10.I change and go out. As I got near the store, it happened to me that we might have missed each other. I decide to call her on her cellphone. It's the first time that I call her... We haven't talked in weeks and the first time we do, it's through the phone...After a few rings, she picked up.“Yuzu?” I say. “Mei?” She recognizes my voice.“Yes. I'm out buying groceries for tonight's dinner, but... I don't know what you were planning to make, so could you let me know what ingredients you need?”“Aah, sorry... It's my turn, yet you had to go out... You can buy your favorite ingredients, and I'll make you whatever you want, Mei.”“I can choose myself? Alright.” I hang up.Her voice seemed strange. It's as if she was crying... She probably had to go out because something happened... I hope she's okay. Should I call her again to ask? She probably wouldn't want me to interfere with her affairs… All I can do is pick ingredients for her. What would be easier for her to make? Would she take that as an insult to her skills? I have high regard for her culinary ability… Let's see... The soup curry she made the other night was delicious, and mom said it was easy and that Yuzu learned to make it when she was 10. Mom listed the ingredients on the spot. Let's hope I can recall them correctly, otherwise, it would be embarrassing… Onions, carrots, Shemiji mushrooms… How can something with these many ingredients be simple to make? I must be mistaken. I bought everything I could recall. I'll put everything in the fridge and let her choose. If something is missing, I'll say they didn't have it.It's chilly outside. I hope Yuzu has a jacket on. I will refrain from giving Yuzu a telling-off even it turns out she went in her uniform until I know what was it going on. Perhaps I should forgo the telling off altogether. Tonight should be about her achievement. I hope it's enough to cheer her up… Yuzu?I spot her across the street. She’s walking alongside a shorter girl whose hair is dyed pink. Honestly, the crowd she associates with… As I start crossing the street the pink-haired girl hugged Yuzu.“What's gotten into you?” Yuzu protests.“I can't agree with it, after all...” the pink-haired girl says. “Huh, with what?”By the time I crossed the street, she was looking Yuzu in the eyes. “Yuzu-chan, you're my o-nee-chan alone…” O-nee-chan? Another step-sibling? That's the first time I hear I’m hearing of this...The girl pulls Yuzu into a kiss and gives me sideways look. She intended me to see this. She knows who I am and what I did to Yuzu. I suppress the impulse of wanting to hit her.Yuzu has her hands full... I will see her at home. I circle behind Yuzu, making sure she doesn't see me.“What are you doing all of a sudden?” Yuzu shouts!“Making up for the interruption last time.” the pink-haired girl says.“What if someone saw?”I did, and I'm sure it was no coincidence.My rage fueled my footsteps.
"You're my o-nee-chan alone"
Where does she get off, calling her that? Even if she was the daughter of some ex-husband, Yuzu stopped being her o-nee-chan the day our mom divorced him.Yuzu didn't seem to enjoy the kiss… 
"Making up for the interruption last time."
Last time? When? When they were sisters? I know I'm Yuzu's first kiss, so that can't be before she met me... Also, Yuzu's isn't the type to-... Did I make her think she liked girls? Yuzu wasn't the one doing the kissing, so this is NOT her fault...By the time I got home, I calmed down. Instead of overanalyzing what I saw and heard, I'll confront Yuzu about it. How would I go about asking her? Why did you kiss another girl? Not another girl . She should  not be kissing ANY girl. No. I should ask her why she was late. She'll tell me if she wants to. What if she doesn't?I can't believe she lets herself be kissed by everybody...The door opens. “I'm home” Yuzu’s voice comes from the hallway. She took half an hour. It’s only five minutes from she… She spent 25 with that girl. Did they kiss again? “Welcome home,” I say as casually as I can manage.“Sorry I'm late. I'll get started on dinner right away,” She puts on the apron. It suits her so well… “Alright. Thanks.”“Thanks for picking up the groceries, and I'm sorry.”“I don't mind.”“what are you watching?”I switched on the TV for background noise since I couldn't stand the silence when I was waiting for Yuzu to come home. I didn't even pay attention to what was on. “I just switched it on to see what was on.”“Woah! That's new!”“Why? You and mom do it all the time…”“Yes but you don't…”“Stop acting like you know everything about me.”“Of course I don't know everything about you... It's just that I've never seen you do that…”“I'm not offended. Don't let it bother you. Just carry on with dinner, I'm hungry.”“Alright... 30 minutes…”I wasn't even angry at her. Rather, I don't like that there's this thing I'm not aware of in her past. She knows more about me than I know about her. I can't help but dislike it. I'd wager she told Taniguchi about that girl. More importantly, I went and spoiled the mood. I can't possibly tell her about the results now. I have to lighten the atmosphere first. It's not like this is the first time that things have grown awkward between us. When she ran away from home, I managed to bring her back by calling by her name. That same day, I cleared her conscience by kissing her, but now this off the table as it should have been since the beginning. Unless...I could go for a casual kiss on the cheek as Taniguchi does... I did kiss her on the forehead when she was asleep... I'd wager she'd panic if I did it now. She'd think I'm a sex maniac. Well, it's she who lets herself be kissed by random people...I can't get the image out of my head...“Dinner's ready!” She saysAlready? I help her serve dinner. We sat and ate in complete silence if it weren't for the TV.It's ironic. I thought it was the lack of subjects that kept from talking to her. Now, I have too many things to ask and tell, yet I can't pluck the courage to bring up any of them. A knot formed in my stomach, but I forced myself to eat. I don't want her hard work to go to waste.While yuzu was doing the dishes, I sat at the dinner table with Kuma Guro on my lap. It was Yuzu who gave this silly name to the giant teddy bear father brought with him. I struggled to communicate with father for years... Am I heading down the same road with Yuzu? I hug Kuma Guro... Father... Give me Strength...“Yuzu,” I call out her name.“Yes!” She shouts. It seems I startled her.“The results are in from the test... You're in 97th place”“What?” She says. The expression I imagined she'd have is very different from the one she has on. “Is that so? Gramps can't complain then. It's all 'cause you helped me, Mei! Thanks!”Did she work that hard just to get on grandfather's good side? Let's not get sidetracked. I started the conversation, so it's my responsibility to keep it going. “Dinner was very delicious today,” I say. My God! How dumb is that?“Oh! Aah! I made from mom's secret soup curry recipe. I'll teach you next time!” I'll be looking forward to it or Thank you .. All the answers that come to my mind would end the conversation… Stop stalling, Mei. This is not what you want to talk about… “So, um... Why were you home late today?” I was so preoccupied with shaking off my nervousness that I didn't notice yuzu was trying to say something...“ Eh? Aah, sorry. I ran into an acquaintance. Someone I babysat years ago,” she says with her voice full of nostalgia. So just because she babysat her, that brat considers Yuzu as her big sister. “She was kind of my little sister,” she says. Huh? Go figure... The feeling is mutual... Her eyes are filled with tenderness… So you let your little sisters kiss you like that? I stand up and walk up to her. I leave Kuma-guro behind. Sorry Father...“Even if she's all grown-up, in my eyes, she's still a kid. Before I knew I was looking after her again…” She is so lost in reminiscing that she doesn't notice me… I hug her from behind. I press my forehead against her nape. “ Mei?!” She froze up. I can feel her heart beating fast... As fast as mine. I hug her tightly. I am your little sister too, yet when I kissed you, you got scared. It confused you, and you're telling me that girl's kiss didn't affect you at all. I'm not having it. “W-weren't we... Gonna stop doing these things?” A simple hug from behind and you interpret it that way. That girl kisses full on the mouth and you call her your sister… I kiss her nape. She lets out a loud moan. I undo a button on her shirt and slide my hand in… “Hey! Stop!” She yanks my hand awasy and breaks away from my embrace, flustered. “I'm holding the dishes here, that's dangerous! What if they break?”It’s not fair. “For sisters, this is normal, right?” I ask. “ Huh?” She’s dumbfounded. Of course she is. But why does she react to me like that? Does she hate my touch this much? “Goodnight…” I say and make my way to the bathroom.“Sleeping already?”“I have to wake up early tomorrow since we're hanging the results“O-okay…”I make my way to the bathroom.What on earth came over me? I promised myself I wouldn't do those things to her anymore. Have I no control? Did Amemiya turn me into some sort of sex-crazed maniac? This is the second time I kissed her neck... Gosh! Is that how molesters are born? Get yourself together, Mei. In times like these, I have to protect her, not attack her. It's my chance to repay her. If only I could convince her to wait for me after school... and go with me to school. It would have been as simple as asking her if I didn't just do that.I brush my teeth and comb my hair. It's incredible how many hairstyles Yuzu comes up with. It takes dedication. I personally think she looks best when she doesn't do anything. But as far as hairstyles go, my favorite is when she makes a little braid and wraps it around like a hairband… I snigger... When did I start paying attention to Yuzu's hair?I am sick! I'm drawn to her like a moth to a flame. I hope this is just a phase; hormones or something... I had an erotic dream about her when I read that manga of hers... At the time, I was completely confident, but that was because the kisses we had up to then were emotionless...That's it! That last kiss we had registered for both of us because we were emotional! It felt mutual because both of us needed an emotional release… Why didn't it occur to me until now? Yet, it's so obvious. I'm not lusting for her. I nearly confused caring for her with being attracted to her.I feel whole again.Yuzu shouldn't be doing those things with anyone but her husband...With that thought, a naked, flustered Yuzu appeared in my imagination.I slap both my cheeks and get out.Yuzu was waiting outside for me.“Mei, abou-...” She says. “Your cheeks are so red.”“The water was too hot…” I say. “Can I help you?” “ Mei, listen. I'm sorry I freaked out. I don't want that to keep us from talking again... Earlier, I was so happy to hear your voice on the phone. So can we, like, not stop talking to each other…” She grabs my hand and squeezes it.It's these things, right? They make you want to treasure her.
"You're my Onee-chan alone"
No. She's mine.xxxI went to our room and started reading Carmilla while Yuzu stayed in the living room watching TV. It wasn't long before I heard mom's voice. “I'm home”“Welcome home! Guess what! Thanks to Mei, I ranked 97!” Yuzu announced.Don't undermine your own effort, idiot! It's been a while since I thought of her as an idiot … She isn’t. In fact she’s very smart. Mere than she thinks. More than I used to think. Mom shrieked!“Stop it!” Yuzu says.“How about Mei-chan?” Mom asks“I didn't ask, but there is no way she's not first!”Yeah, she didn't ask me... Ranking 1st is not a given. It would have been nice if she asked. Maybe she was too preoccupied with that girl's kiss...I wanted to see what was going on. I gulp down a glass of water I had on near my bedside and go for another. Mom was right there when I opened the door. She hugged me and showered me with kisses. “How did you do in the exam?” She asks. “First…” I say, embarrassed. I can’t explain why I’m feeling this way. She planted another big kiss on my cheek. More pronounced than all the previous one. Yuzu looked on from the hallway, satisfied.“I'm so proud of you. Your dad will be happy to hear it. Let's call him!”“Wait!”She put her finger on my lips and pulled her phone. “Hello, dear. Mei-chan has something to tell you.” She gave me the phone“Hello, Mei,” dad says.“ Hello.” I say. Yuzu was in the room now. She and mom looked at me expectantly. I turn away. “The exam results are in. Yuzu and I ranked in the top 100.”“Excellent! Do you know your respective ranks?”“Yuzu in 97th, and I'm 1st.”“Excellent. I'm extremely proud of you. Keep up the good work. Ume told me you worked together.”“Yes, we did.”“How does it make you feel that Yuzu did so well?” The two are trying to listen in. “Can I tell you later?” I whisper.“Yuzu-chan and Ume are behind you, aren't they?”“Yes.”“Then let me guess. You are very proud of Yuzu, feel very accomplished that you had a role in her achievement, but you want her to realize it's her own effort that paid off.”My heart felt so full. How did he know? “Yes,” I say. “You caught the teaching bug, Mei. I guess it runs in the family.”He laughs. I smile. “I suppose.” It's been five years since I heard him praise my efforts. I missed it. This praise is even different from all the ones before. He thinks me and him have a mutual love for teaching.“Keep up the good work,” he says.“ We will,”  I say. We as in Yuzu and I.“Is Yuzu around? Of course, she is…”“Here she is. Be well, dad.”“You too, take care.” I give the phone to Yuzu. Mom had a big smile on.“Oh. Hello, dad. Yes. Yes!... Yes!... It's all thanks to Mei!... Really?... Okay!”Mom and I sat on the bed. “Sorry for the fuss,” mom says.“It's alright,” I say.“You're starting to like it, don't you?”“What do you mean?”“You know, how Yuzu and I are so…”“Noisy?” I complete her thought. She smiles. “I admit it,” I say. “There's a charm to it.”“That's how you can enjoy the little moments. I love you.” She kisses the top of my head.I only thought of Yuzu when I learned her rank. It didn't occur to me that mom and dad will be happy about it. I feel guilty about it.“Next time, we'll score even higher!” Yuzu tells dad! I'm glad she wants to improve.“It's the first time I saw her pumped about studying. I guess she only needed a good tutor.”I guess I'm finding my way to being a good sister… 
"For sisters, this is normal, right?"
Why did I do that? I lost sight of things… The sight of that girl kissing Yuzu comes up again.“Bye, dad.” She gave the phone to mom. Mom goes out of the room, blowing kisses to both of us: “Goodnight, you two.”Yuzu beamed at me.
"You're my Onee-chan alone"
No wonder that girl wants to have her all for herself. Yuzu smiles for anyone no matter how awful they are to her.“ Let's go to sleep,” I say. She hugs me. “What's with you?”“Thank you,” she says. “ Can I ask you to tutor me again when the next exams come?”“You don't need to ask. We're sisters.”
"For sisters, this is normal, right?"
Yuzu smiles. “”Dad praised me. He said that you're proud of me. I wanna hear it from you.”Dad!“Good work, but you can do better,” I say. “Next time, we start working earlier than we did this time. We do homework together from now on, too.”“But I…”“What? You did promise dad that you'll score higher…”She disengaged the hug. “Okay, okay... But can you like be less…”“Less what?”“You know in the exams, we were together all the time... I was happy, but... It's too much if we do... it... everyda-... Mei?”I get under the covers.“Goodnight.”“Mei!”“I have to wake up early tomorrow.”“I didn't mean like that... I mean you don't like Harumin and-...”“Who gave you that idea?”“You never talk to each other! It's awkward, you know…”“I don't have anything to say to her.”“I don't have anything to say to Momokino-san, but I don't act like that!”“Act like what?”“I don't wanna fight, please…”Tears formed in the corners of her eyes. I keep losing sight of things. If we fight, that pinked-haired girl will have free prey.“You're right. Taniguchi doesn't seem to enjoy my company either. We still can do homework together. Try to come home early, that's all I ask.” That's it! If I use homework as an excuse, I can tell Yuzu to meet me after I finish my student council duties. Two birds, one stone! Excellent!“About that... There's another thing. Matsuri has been up to some bad stuff... So I have to keep an eye on her... So until I convince her to-...”“Why do you care so much about that girl? If she's up to no good, won't you be wrapped in it?”“I can't help it. She's like my little sister…”“And I AM your little sister.”Yuzu was taken aback. “Mei... Can I ask you something?”“Of course.”“Are you... jealous of Matsuri?”“Of who?”“Matsuri, the acquaintance I ran into... I said she's like my little sister... Now, and earlier... You did something like I did in train the other day…”“Why would I be jealous?”“I don't know... That's why I am asking? You know like me with Himeko, when I did that stupid thing on the train…”“It's different. First, I don't even know this person... How can I be jealous of a person I never met?”“Right…”“Second, I don't have a reason to be jealous.”She laughs nervously. “Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking…”“Don't overthink, it doesn't suit you... Goodnight.”“Goodnight. Sorry.”Stop apologizing of every single thing!I'm not jealous, I'm protective of Yuzu. Yuzu is kind and reckless. A combination that screams take advantage of me . I did abuse those qualities myself, but I have her best interests at heart now.
"I also have someone I can protect"
I think I'm starting to understand Yuzu...Besides, it's that Matsuri who's jealous of me, not the other way around. That kiss was a challenge to rile me up… Better not get involved in a children's game. "Matsuri"... What a stupid name... Who names their child Matsuri? Yuzu is fond of her because of the memories, but I'm sure that with my guidance she'll see that she shouldn't trust her. My first step is to get in Yuzu's good book. Tomorrow's my turn to make dinner, I'll tell her to teach me... That was the deal: I help her with studies, she helps me with cooking.We were hanging up the results when we heard a commotion near the shoe lockers. I decided to check it out in case Yuzu was involved. Himeko followed me...Sure enough, I can distinguish Yuzu's high-pitched voice among the murmurs “Fine, fine! NO, hurry back already…”Yuzu was urging the pink-haired girl to go away. Taniguchi didn't seem to like Matsuri . I guess we're allies on this one. I could let Yuzu deal with her without causing a scene like I did when she challenged me in the street, but this is different. The school grounds are my territory and I have a reputation to uphold… “You!” I slightly raise my voice, striding towards them, with Himeko on my heels. The three of them turned my way. Matsuri smiled. Yuzu and Taniguchi turned pale. “Who gave you permission to enter the school,” I address Matsuri.“Ah, you're the one from the photobooth picture,” Matsuri giggles and walkes up to me. “Yuzu-chan's new sister, right? Nice to meet you, Mei-san.” She made a similar expression to the one Yuzu when she challenged me when we first met.“Sorry, Mei. She'll leave right away.” Yuzu grabs her and covers her mouth. “Sorry for giving you so much work right in the morning.” She pushes Matsuri towards the exit.“Eeh! We still haven't worked out our plans.” Matsuri says.“We'll do that later. Be a good girl and go,” Yuzu says. That girl could've made plans with Yuzu without me knowing anything. She came here to make sure I'm aware. I can't let this slide...“Yuzu…” I say. “Yes!” Yuzu jolts/ “I must have told you a hundred times already stopping by places on your way home is forbidden.”“I know already. I'll go home and change out of my uniform.”As I was talking to Yuzu, Matsuri put on her headphones. I'm not letting her off that easy... I slide off her headphones. “You are trespassing. If you got business to attend here, ask for permission first.” I leave them and go back to the student council room. Tsubame Rei, head of the disciplinary committee was there, apparently waiting for me. “Good morning.” She says.“Good morning,” I say. “Thank you for your hard work on the…” “On the hundredth thing you up with to keep me off Aihara Yuzu?” She interrupts me. I know she would notice sooner or later, but I didn't think she'd speak up. I'm glad Yuzu got a good ranking. Now I have ammunition to defend her with.“I'm not sure what you're insinuating.”“Do you think I haven't noticed? You've been undermining my authority whenever it came to your stepsister.”“Watch your-...” Himeko tries to defend me.“Stay out of this Momokino-san,” Tsubame-senpai shuts her down. “ You're as frustrated as I am about this. I delayed this long enough…”“If you got objections concerning my leadership,” I say. “We can discuss it during the meeting.”“Aihara-san, I've never doubted your leadership. Granted I was absent when she showed up in that flashy outfit of hers, I respected your abstinence from dealing her any serious sanctions. But the fact that she kept galavanting like that for a whole term just because you've been assigning make-belief tasks to me... How do you think that makes me look?”“I understand where you're coming from, but-...”“ The assembly incident, you said the chairman took care of it. Each time a report comes in involving her, either you or Momokino-san fly to deal with it. Then the PA system... Resolving your little sister quarrel through it, I should've reported both of you. But what trumps it all, is that you relieved yourself from your duties as President to tutor her. There is NO way that girl could've ranked that high on her own.“subame-senpai, please, I know she ranked higher than your sister, but please don't take your frustration out on me.”“Haha... Going on the offensive, I see... I know all about your technics. Taniguchi-senpai taught us both, remember? I respected you, Aihara... You deserved your role as President. Everyone assumed you were able to take over because you were the chairman's granddaughter, but you proved us wrong…”“Get to the point, please.”“ That girl got you wrapped around her finger, hasn't she? That's the only explanation. Each time she does something major, she exposes something personal of yours. She spins it in a way that makes it seem she's doing it for you. That's why none of the members are eager to discuss your situation with her. Tell you something... Let me help, and there would be no hard feelings. Refuse and I might take that frustration of mine on her instead.”Himeko is fuming.I knew something like this was bound to happen sooner or later. It is true I've been handling any and all matters related to Yuzu personally. Few of our students misbehaved, so when Yuzu appeared Tsubame-senpai locked her on as her primary target.“Tsubame-senpai,” I say “I know it looks like I'm covering for her because she's my step-sister, but that's not the case. We're not that close in the first place, therefore your conclusions are misguided. I can set time aside to explain myself…”“That won't be necessary,” Tsubame-senpai says. “Let's just forget this conversation and start on a clean slate. If that girl breaks any more rules, I'll be the one dealing with her.”“Alright.”Tsubame went to her class, we went to ours.“We should warn Yuzu,” Himeko says.“Don't tell her anything,” I say. Yuzu’s reactions are too extreme and I don’t want her to lose sleep over this.  “I'll handle things my way.”“But that's-…”“Himeko, please. I have other things to deal with”“Mei-mei, are you worried?”“You're imagining things…”“You spent a lot of time with her lately. You've even rubbed off on her... She couldn't have scored as high if she…”“Why is everyone assuming that! She's brilliant, you know! If she puts her mind to it she'd score even higher!”“Why are you getting worked up?”“I- I just don't like it when people assume things without knowing the whole story.”“Maybe Tsubame-senpai is right about one thing…”“What?”“Even if neither of you realizes it, she's got you wrapped around her finger…”I can't think of a reply.Whatever. She's just envious I spent the exams period with Yuzu rather than her...xxxAt lunchtime, I decide to join Yuzu and Taniguchi to see what Yuzu was up to.“Don't get the wrong idea, I'm here to sit with Mei,” Himeko says.“We get it, we get it,” Taniguchi says. “You don't like us. You're welcome to stay, though.”“Sheesh, Momkino-san! I'm not a delinquent anymore. I'm ranked 97!” Yuzu says. “Don't get full of yourself. If it wasn't for…” Himeko stops herself, glancing at me. Probably remembering me lashing at her earlier.“Vice-prez... Don't tell me Prez scolded you for badmouthing Yuzuchi?” Taniguchi asks.“No way!” Yuzu beams at me. Those two spent so much time with us that they started picking up on my dynamics with Himeko. Yuzu and Himeko interact, but Taniguchi and I never talk. She talks to Himeko, but never to me. She always refers to me in the third person as if I were absent. Apart from when Yuzu asked me to go to the amusement park, she never let it slip that she was annoyed with me. I wonder why Taniguchi-senpai never introduced her sister to me...Rather than getting caught up in this, I should do what I'm here for. Taniguchi doesn't seem to like that girl either so she might back me up. “Yuzu, did you resolve your issues with that girl?” I ask Yuzu.“Sheesh, mei! She just wanted a date…” She says. She’s slightly annoyed, but I can’t help it... “I told her I'd call her after school. She's calling it a date, but it's nothing like that.” “I'm sure that's not what SHE thinks,” Taniguchi says. “She kissed you afte-” Yuzu nervously gestured for Taniguchi to shut up.“Aihara Yuzu, please keep your love affairs away from school,” Himeko says cheerfully. Why does Taniguchi know? Yuzu gave her a reprimanding look. More importantly, why is Yuzu trying to hide it from me?“I can't go with you,” Taniguchi says. “That girl gives me a bad vibe. Don't let your guard down, Yuzuchi”. Taniguchi gave me a look. That's new. Is she trying to get me involved? I'm doing that without her asking. She might be Yuzu's best friend, but I'm her sister. After lunch, I pull Yuzu aside. “Come see me after school,” I say.“Eh? Why?” She asks. “I'll talk to you then.”I don't know how to keep her from going on the date, but I'll have three periods to figure it out. Yuzu came to me after the fifth period. I couldn't come up with an excuse for her to stay…“If this is about Matsuri,” Yuzu says. “I promise we won't get any trouble. I'm actually meeting her to scold her.”“You can invite her home and do that there…” I suggest.“Well…”She’s evidently against it. I sigh. “Deal with it. I don't want her showing up at school again.”“I promise! Harumin went ahead... something about her sister. Want me to grab groceries for you?”“There's no nee-... Actually, go ahead. Grab ingredients for mom's recipe. How about you teach me today?” I say. If I can't prevent the date, let's shorten it or delay it. Or both.“Alright! When are you coming home?” Yuzu's face brightened as expected. I feel guilty for playing with her feelings, but it's for her own good...“You know what? I'm about done here. You can wait for me if you want…”“Alright!”I'm the worst, No, second worst. Make that third word worst. Taniguchi would have been very convenient right now... Why did she bail when Yuzu needed her the most?Yuzu looked at her phone. “I'll wait for you outside, I have to send an email to Matsuri.” That girl could be waiting at the gate.“You can switch on your phone temporarily.,” I say. There a proposition to alleviate that particular rule. Some consider it a necessary security measure nowadays…” I notice she’s smiling. “What?”“I love how you care so much about stuff,” she says. My ears grow hot. Why did she say that?  “It's called being responsible. You should try it sometime.”“I'm responsible!”I sigh. “Wait for me in the classroom.” Isay, then remember the fact that girl trespassed this morning. What would prevent her from doing it again? “Come with me to the student council room. You can use your phone freely there.”“Wouldn't I be in the way?”“It's not like you're gonna sing and dance. You're just gonna sit there.”She giggles. “Alright.”She followed me.Making her laugh feels nice. I think this is the first time I managed that. I didn't know I had a sense of humor. Maybe today's my lucky day.When we arrived at the student council, Yuzu bowed slightly. “Pardon the intrusion,” she says. I’d wager they’re all surprised how well-behaved she is. I felt a smidge of pride when I saw their expressions. “ Good evening everyone. This my sister Yuzu. Yuzu, you know Momokino-san, you met Maruta-senpai on the first day, she's our secretary. This is Nakamura-senpai, our treasurer, and Tsubame-senpai, the head of the disciplinary committee.” I take care of the introductions. Yuzu gulped at the mere mention of disciplinary . “Nice to meet you, Aihara-chan,” Nakamura-senpai says. I don’t know why she used “chan”, but it’s alright.“Nice to finally make the acquaintance of our number one rule breaker,” Tsubame-senpai says. “Hey now, Rei. Yuzu-chan is a good girl. Can I call you that?” Maruta-senpai is being oddly informal, but I suppose it’ll make Yuzu at ease so I’ll allow it, but Why is she talking to Yuzu as if she would to a five-years-old?“Nice to meet you,” Yuzu is feeling self-conscious. “I'm sorry for the trouble I caused. I'll be waiting outside for Mei.”“Is that so? You can sit over here. Can we chat a little after we finish?” “O-okay.”Maruta-senpai gives me one of her smiles...All the members, except Himeko, seemed in a hurry to wrap things up. It's not until I adjourned that I realized what was going on. They were eager to talk to Yuzu. I didn't think she was this popular among older girls. Even Tsubame-senpai, who accused me of playing favorites, was being polite and amiable to her. Yuzu didn't seem to mind the attention.“Seriously!” Himeko says “Aihara Yuzu makes a commotion wherever she goes.”“I'm more surprised at how our senpais are acting.” I say.“Are you okay with that?”“They're older than me. It's not my place to question their behavior as long as it doesn't break school regulations.”“ I meant are you okay with them fawning over Yuzu ?”“I wouldn't call that fawning…”“I mean she's cute and-…”“I didn't know you thought she was cute..”“That's not the point. You were fuming this morning at the trespasser, and…”“Because she was trespassing.”By the time I joined Yuzu, she was exchanging contacts with my senpais.“Thank you Yuzu-chan,” Maruta-senpai says. “Bye president.” “Nice to meet you Yuzu-chan. You're so cute!” Nakamura-senpai says, pinching Yuzu’s cheeks. “Have a safe trip President.”“See you around Yuzu-chan,” Tsubame-senpai says then turns to me. “I get you now, President. She just makes you wanna protect her.”They all seemed oddly cheerful. I didn't think they'd react to Yuzu this way, especially Tsubame-senpai.“Your friends are so nice,” Yuzu says cheerfully. “It's rude to ask their contacts, you know,” Himeko reprimands.“They asked me! and it's not rude, it's nice. They wanted beauty advice. They didn't expect my dad was a foreigner. Why does everybody think I wear contacts?”“Aren't they?” “No!”“No way!”“Why would I lie?”Himeko looks at me, tacitly asking for a confirmation.“They're real,” I say. Another inexplicable smidgen of pride. Of course I’d be consulted for  information about Yuzu. I know her better than anyone else. Except mom, probably, but I do surpass in some aspects of Yuzu’s personal life. “You're stupid!” Himeko says, red with frustration. “Where did that come from?” Yuzu asks, puzzled and offended. Yuzu is oblivious of how beautiful she is. She'd dress modestly and win against all the girls in our school. Her smile alone would end wars. Her get-up and make-up are overkill and frankly unnecessary. Matsuri was waiting at the gate, as expected.“I told you to go home,” Yuzu says.“ So that's you didn't want me to wait,” Matsuri says, smirking at me. She linked arms with Yuzu. “Let's go somewhere…”“Yuzu…” I say.“I know! I promised Mei I’d-...” She anticipates my words. “Don't tell me she made plans with you, knowing beforehand we had a date planned. Classic!” Matsuri saw right through me.“No... Well... It's not like that!” Yuzu tries to defend me, bless her heart. “ Then Mei-san wouldn't mind if we go on a date after you change out of your uniform of course.”“You're bein-” Himeko tries to intervene. “Of course I wouldn't.” The last thing I'd want is to get Himeko involved.“Really? I mean-…” Yuzu tries to make sense of what I said. “ She's your friend. She misses you. You can give her an hour or so. We can carry out our plans after that. I will tag along on the date . Don't worry, you won't know I'm there.” “ It's not a date ”“Then, there's no problem if I’m there.”“It makes no difference as long as Yuzu-chan is with me,” Matsuri says. She took the direct hit to her plans with a smile. Himeko didn't say anything.We started walking home.“Why are you so late?” Matsuri asks.“I had stuff to do,” Yuzu says.“I was the one who asked her to stay behind.” I'm not sure why she lied, but I'm not playing along. I want Matsuri to know that Yuzu prioritized my request. “So Mei-san doesn't trust you,” Matsuri displays a sly smile.  “She wanted to drag you home to change out of your uniform.”That little...“It's not that!” Yuzu gave me a questioning look. I pretend not to notice. I underestimated the midget. She probably predicted I wouldn't let Yuzu meet her alone. If she thinks that's enough to lure me into her mind-games, she's mistaken.“I met your other friend,” Matsuri changes subject. “She told me to stay away from you. As expected of Yuzu-chan. You make everyone love you so much that they feel threatened when they find out how precious I am to you.”“Stop it! Everyone has a special place in my heart!” Yuzu says.“You have a big heart. Who do you prefer? Me or Mei?”“You're both my little sisters, stop that!”How can she put me on the same pedestal as that spoiled child?“Then I have no choice than to become more than that,” Matsuri said.I kept on pretending to listen to Himeko.“This brings back memories We used to walk home all the time,” Matsuri jumps to another subject. She’s clearly trying to overload Yuzu with doubts and emotions.Yuzu laughs. “Yeah! Remember when you dyed your hair? Your teacher came to me and told me off for being a bad influence on you!” Yuzu has been eased into the conversation… By the time we got home, Matsuri and Yuzu went through many memories. Yuzu laughing heartily, and Matsuri looking at her with exaggerated admiration. I almost missed Himeko saying goodbye.“Can you wait here?” I ask Matsuri when she tried to go in with us. “What? Are you not gonna invite me in?” She says, faking disbielf.“Mei…” Yuzu tries to appeal for me. “She’s done enough trespassing for one day,” I say sternly.  “Wait here Matsuri, please…” “She's got you whipped, hasn't she?” Matsuri says sardonically. “I totally knew you were an M Yuzu-chan. Good for you I'm an S. Mei-san is total M, too, even if she acts like an S.”“Stop it!”Matsuri puts on her headphones and leaned against the door frame. “I'm waiting... Don't be long. I might get worried and come in.”Once in the bedroom, I confronted Yuzu: “Did you tell her what happened between us?”“No! She just saw the photobooth picture and assumed things... I haven't had the chance to explain there was nothing.”“ Don't explain anything, okay? If she's just assuming things, we have nothing to worry about.” I hugged her, for good measure. I need her on my side, even if I have to be a little misleading. I brush her hair to the side. She's wearing my favorite hairstyle, the hair braid headband, for the date . I'm tempted to undo it. She nods and hugs me back.“Thank you, Mei…” She says. When will I be able to stop this game of deception?xxxI sat on a bench, reading "Carmilla", while they were browsing meaningless things at the mall.Speaking of meaningless, I thought I picked a meaningless book, but it turned out to be anything but. It's about a female vampire sucking the life out of an innocent girl. Kind of like, Me, Matsuri and Taniguchi are doing with Yuzu. Each in her own selfish ways.
"You will think me cruel, very selfish, but love is always selfish; the more ardent the more selfish. How jealous I am you cannot know. You must come with me, loving me, to death; or else hate me, and still come with me, and hating me through death and after. There is no such word as indifference in my apathetic nature."
“I don't want that at all!” Yuzu shouts! She got my attention. Matsuri was teasing her.After a moment, she started talking rather loudly, clearly aiming for me to hear. “I love you for real, Yuzu-chan... I'll even have sex with you!”Yuzu turned red. “D-Don't say such crazy things in public!”“Eeh? I'm being serious. Ever since I was little I've thought about y-...” Matsuri says. My heart ached. Matsuri abruptly stopped talking. I continue to pretend I was reading. She started to talk at normal volume again... I couldn't hear her. Then footsteps follow“Matsuri!” Yuzu called out! I get up and go to Yuzu. “What happened?” I ask“Matsuri ran off... Sorry... I'll go look for her..”.“ Then I'll help you…”“Sorry... Let me do this alone, Wait for me here, Mei. I'll be right back!”Is this how she felt when I told her not to interfere with my business? This feeling of being useless to her…  I sit back on the bench and spent a good while rereading the same line.“Yuzu went out looking for me, didn't she?” Matsuri stood before me, giving me a condescending look. “How gratifying to see she values me above you, Mei-san.”“Did you contact Yuzu?” I ask.“I e-mailed her. The younger sisters need to talk. So, I told her she can stop looking.”If only I had a phone, I'd make sure Yuzu is duly reassured. When Yuzu comes back, she'll start looking for me, wouldn't she? I'll get this over with quickly.She took me to the underground parking.“So you pretended to be all diligent to lure Yuzu-chan in, you bitch!” Matsuri says. Her tone changed. “I thought it was odd... Yuzu-chan was always interested in boys, but she's suddenly a lesbian.”What?! Yuzu said she didn't tell her anything. She's just going on assumptions... Yuzu would never lie to me.“Yuzu-chan is kind,” she leans in and looks deep into my eyes. “You got her to accept you completely, am I right? The poor hard-working sister who just has some sexual issues.” She pulls back. “But all you're looking for is your fix of comfort. Really, anyone will do for you, isn't that right?” She gives me a look full of disdain. “I would appreciate if you'd keep your filthy hands off my o-nee-chan.”“Is that all you have to say?” I ask. It takes all my self-control not to slap her.“Yes,” she smiles.I'll show you what the lesbian bitch can do. I grab her collar but all I could think of is that she kissed my Yuzu. I kiss her. There's a logical explanation for this seemingly random act… “With that, I've taken back the kiss you stole from Yuzu.” I let her go... She collapses on the floor. “Yuzu must be worried, so I'm heading back now. You should come back too.”By the time I went back the PA could be heard: "...Mizusawa Matsuri and first-year high schooler Aihara Mei. A family member is waiting for you. Please visit the information center on the second floor."My boiling blood receded. I make my way to the floor plans.It's hot in here. I pull away my scarf.That brat got me riled up. She might have been going on assumptions, but all she said had some truth.
"Anyone will do"
No!But then again, I kissed Yuzu on our first night together... She was practically a "nobody" for me, and I took her first kiss so carelessly.I see Yuzu.“Mei!” She's on the brinks of tears. “I told you to wait but you were gone! I was so worried!”My God... Why did she have to get caught in that bitch's game?
"Yuzu-chan is kind. You got her to accept you completely, am I right? The poor hard-working sister who just has some sexual issues"
I find myself staring at Yuzu's thighs...“Now we need to find Matsuri,” Yuzu says. “She won't answer her phone or text back. What's up with her?”That bitch said she emailed her...Yuzu: Sorry, Mei, for dragging you through this.She's always apologizing to me, meanwhile I never sorry for any of the terrible things I did... Look at her so worried...
"I would appreciate if you'd keep your filthy hands off my Onee-chan."
I'll start by apologizing right now for making her worry and explain the whole situation…”It's fine, I don't-...”Her phone rang.“Seriously!” Yuzu says, her voice full of exasperation. “Let's go home... It's too late to go to the supermarket, so let's just order something”“What's going on? Wait before that…” I bow down. “I apologize for making you worry. I had to... go to the bathroom, and got caught up in reading.”“Sheesh. Mei. I'm glad you're okay. I thought you met Matsuri and she started saying weird things, and I know how violent you can get…”Ah! So she was worried about that. She's not wrong though...
"The poor hard-working sister who just has some sexual issues"
It's violence, not anything else.We get to the bus stop.“She said she'd gone home already... “ Yuzu explains. “I wish she'd told me sooner. Darn that girl. She can be so childish.” The face she makes is unlike any of the ones I’ve seen up until now. “You really treasure her, don't you?” I ask.“Yeah, you know it was like…” Yuzu wears the biggest of smiles. “When we met, I had just moved and I was an only child. I saw Matsuri was in the same boat and I thought it'd be cool if we could be like sisters. I called out to her and things started from there. Well that's my side of it. She might feel different since I'm always meddling in her affairs, she might think I'm annoying.” No wonder she loves you so much...You always meddle in my affairs, and I don't think you're annoying. I kind of love that about you, when I think of it... I meddle in your affairs too and… Ah... So that's what that girl is doing… If I were in her shoes I'd be doing the same thing. “It's my fault that she's gone home. Because I tagged along with you,” I say. It's high time I start admitting my wrongs, starting with the newest one.“No, no! It's not your fault, Mei! It's okay!” Yuzu tries to alleviate my guilt. Yuzu fell silent after that...I was only thinking of myself.
"Yuzu-chan is kind. You got her to accept you completely, am I right?"
“I'm sorry.” I say. “When you have that expression, Yuzu... I feel even more responsible…”“Ah! No, no, sorry! That wasn't my intention!”What am I thinking? Making her feel guilty for worrying...
"The poor hardworking sister who just has some sexual issues"
She is staring at me...“What is it?” I ask.“Nothing!”I don't know what to say to make her feel better. I always basked in Yuzu's kindness, never giving anything back. The single moment where I wanted to comfort her, I kissed her. Even now, all I can think of when looking at her are thighs and her lips and how cold she must feel...“It's so cold, so... could we hold hands?” Yuzu asks.Would that be enough?“For sisters, that's just normal, right?” She says. I don't have the courage to touch her anymore… No! If I act like this, I'll be just admitting what Matsuri said was true! I care deeply about Yuzu. I have to start acting like a proper sister“Alright…” I say. I slowly grab her hand. I kissed her on the first night without a second thought, yet now I'm feeling nervous. Her hand is warm. “Your hand is warm as always While getting used to sleep in the same bed, the extra heat was unpleasant, but in winter, I find really convenient.”
“for is your fix of comfort. Really, anyone will do for you, isn't that right?"
“Wanting to feel someone's warmth like this, I wonder if it is because of my twistedness…” I think out loud. That girl... She saw through me...“ I don't know how it is for others,” Yuzu squeezes my hand. “but if you're twisted, Mei... Then I'm just as twisted.” She starts fidgeting. No, you're Purity itself… “Why am I always thinking... that I want you... to touch me…”What? But she slapped me when I-...“Eh? Ah! Snow?!” Yuzu lets go of my hand. “It's this cold, huh?”I've been so preoccupied I didn't even check! My God! “Yuzu, no buses come this late in the holidays…” I say after checking the roster.“Of course! That's why none came!”“Let's walk to the station.”“I hope we have a white Christmas this year.”“Yes that would be nice.”“You know, mom and I have a Christmas party.” She swiped my hand, held it with both hands, and gave me puppy eyes. So, keep that day open. We shouldn't catch a cold so let's run to the station!” She started running pulling me behind her. have student council work...
"If I want to do something, then that's what I'll do"
“I will,” I say. I match her pace. My heart feels light.  We run all the way to the station. Luckily, we caught the last train. It was crowded.We managed to squeeze in. This feels nostalgic. Yuzu giggled.“I know,” I say.“I never apologized for that,” she says “You did, actually — several times.”“Oh... Do you realize what happened right now?”“What?”“We thought of the same thing, like real sisters.”“And we have memories we can look back on fondly.” I think of how Yuzu looked when reminiscing of her time with Matsuri. Will she ever look back on our moments together like that?“We have a lot of those. Well... I get embarrassed most of the time... I wish I was as cool as you.”“You're cool…”  I say. She gave me the puppy eyes again. “... Sometimes”“Mom is right, you're a total tsundere. Just like dad... and grandpa!”“I looked that up, you know? I'm not like that.”“You totally are!”A guy was looking at Yuzu's legs.“Can we switch positions?” I ask.“Why?” She’s taken aback by the abrupt change of subject. “Please.”We do it rather painfully. Even though it's not enough to hide her from him, I hope I'm disturbing him enough.Maybe she should be hidden from me… What if I told her about all these thoughts I have? Will she still look at me as her sister? A seat opened. We both notice it and look at each other, have a second telepathic moment of how neither of us wanted to take a seat last time.“We can both sit there. We're slim enough,” Yuzu suggest.“Or you can sit on my lap. I don't mind,” I say.“Really?”“Or I can sit on yours, whichever you-... Well, it's taken now.”Yuzu laughed. I love her laughs.Matsuri ruined these moments of pure bliss. Ultimately though, it's my own fault for nurturing that side of me.Mom was home when we arrived.“We're home!”“Welcome home... Bath's ready. Get in both of you!”Both of us?Yuzu kissed mom. I did the same.We bathed together before... Provided it didn't go well, we're in a much better place now, her and me. We went through a lot together. We're sisters. We "appreciate" each other.But the voice of reason has been replaced by Matsuri's voice.“Look at you? Are you embarrassed? Want me to go in with you?”“No!” Yuzu and I say.It's bad enough that I know that I'm lusting after my sister, I can't trust myself enough with my step-mother!Mom laughed.  “I'm definitely getting in.” Yuzu and I darted toward the bathroom and locked it. “Have a good bath you two.”Played like a fiddle, every time.“Why are you here so early?” Yuzu asks mom through the closed door. “I missed you,” mom says.“ Ayame sent you home, didn't she?” Yuzu ask rhetorically. I give Yuzu a questioning look. “Mom's Mei,” she says. The name came up before but I didn’t give it much attention. Feeling I didn’t understand Yuzu explains with a big smile: “Well, Mom says you're my Ayame. She's mom's childhood friend. They see each other as sisters. She scolds mom when she does something wrong... She was always there for mom's breakups. A lot has happened between them.”A deep sense of guilt settles in. That's what she thinks I am to Yuzu? Some sort of moral compass?“Let's get in,” I say.Yuzu was flushed red. I tried not to look too much when she started taking off her clothes. I took a shower while she undid her hair and hurried into the bath. I closed my eyes while she was taking a shower, but that didn't prevent me from picturing her. I'm obsessed. I hear her get in. She touched me with her foot when she got in.“Sorry,” she says.“Yuzu…” I decide to play sister. “You apologize too much.”“Sor-... Haha, I guess I do.”“I'm not saying it's wrong, but other people might see as a sign of weakness…”“You should know by now that I don't care how other people see me unless they think I'm cute.”I honestly don't know how to reply. Don't you care how I see you? What if I told I think you're cute, sexy even? Both are genuine questions I'm neither prepared to ask nor to hear answers for.“Girls! Are you okay in there?”  Mom’s voice comes from behind the door,“Yes!” Yuzu and I say.“Open the door, I'm butt-naked out here! do you want me to catch a cold?”“What?” Yuzu says.“I was joking at first, but the more I thought about the more I wanted to do it for real.”Yuzu hurried out to open the door and slipped.“Are you okay?”I get out and open the door and went back to check on Yuzu. She fell on her rear.My heart almost jumped out of my chest.“This is gonna leave a mark,” Yuzu says.“Sorry!” Mom says.Sorry? She could've fallen on her head!My god… The tears threatened to well up. I'd better get out of here. “Excuse me” I get out. I grab a towel and bury my face in it. I pretend to dry my face long enough to subside my urge to cry. “Mei-chan?” Mom says.I wrap myself in the towel and get out ignoring mom's whiningOnce in the safety of my room, I let myself cry.The mere thought of Yuzu being in danger made my heart ache. That realization made me so happy I almost cried. You can't take that away, Matsuri.I care deeply for yuzu. I fear for her. I genuinely think she's precious and endearing. I protect her, in my own way.Those are facts. My vision was clouded by that girl's words.The tears turned into tears of joy. I wipe them away and put on clothes.Yuzu knocked and got in, wrapped in a towel.“Get dressed,” I say. “Is mom out?”“Yes, she wants to talk to you,” Yuzu says. By all means. Anything to get me away from Yuzu while she's changing her clothes. I'm glad there's more in me than lust for Yuzu, but there's also that. I have to keep that in check if I want to keep my bond with Yuzu forever.I knock on mom's door. She opens up“I'm sorry…” Mom says.I decided some degree of honesty was the best course of action. I'm not prepared for absolute honesty yet. I have to sort out my feelings for Yuzu but let's be honest about the part I'm proud for.I hug her. “I thought Yuzu was going to fall on her head. I got scared, and I was about to cry so I had to get out…” I say. “Don't tell Yuzu about it…”She giggles and kissed my forehead. “I'm so relieved. I heard horror stories of what happens between step-siblings but you two love each other so much,” she says.I practically tried to rape your daughter... Our relationship qualifies as a horror story I'm sure. If it weren't for Yuzu's big heart...
"Yuzu-chan is kind. You got her to accept you completely, am I right?"
Get out of my head! GET OUT! GET OUT!“It's nothing out of the ordinary,” I say.“Let's ask Yuzu, then,” she says.“Stop it!”“I'm teasing. Stop being so serious!”It's partly her fault... She's the one who made us sleep in the same bed. Anyone who'd sleep in the same bed as Yuzu wouldn't resist the urge to-...I have to stop this. I have to own up to my own mistakes.I wonder if Matsuri slept in the same bed as Yuzu. I bet she did.Yuzu probably told Matsuri about our sleeping arrangement. Matsuri then got jealous and took it out on me.“Mom, we met a girl today. Matsuri,” I say. “She called Yuzu o-nee-chan...”“Yup. She was practically living with us. I still chat with her mom from time to-... Oh God! I haven't told her mom we moved in here. I have to call her!”She grabbed the phone. “I'm so sorry, Mei-chan... Dinner in ten minutes. Tell Yuzu. And by the way, thank you for joining us for Christmas.”“About that... I didn't know you two were Christians.”“We're not.”"What about her father?” Am I trying to add to my guilt? Doing what I did to a Christian girl would feel...“No. Well, we celebrated it because he was with us at first, so that he doesn't feel homesick... But I just kept the Tradition when Yuzu was a child, and well... We never stopped. I wasn't planning to do anything this year, but Yuzu was so excited that you said yes. I'm actually busy on the 25th, so I'm gonna turn in early on Christmas Eve. Good thing she won't get lonely since you're here.”“You spoil her too much.”“I'd spoil you too if you'd let me.”“I'm good.”“How did Yuzu get you to say "yes"?”“Did you think I’d say “no”.?”“Knowing you, you probably have student council work on that day. See? It's not easy to say "no" to her.”“Sorry for delaying your phone-call.”She smiles. I retreat to our room. I say "no" plenty of times. Maybe because her mom loves her more than I do...Why am I trying to compete? Of course, she does... And I don't "love" Yuzu, I care for her and I... find her attractive. Anybody who gets to know Yuzu would care for and her being attractive has nothing to do with me. She's beautiful and that's a fact. She's probably the most beautiful girl in town. Even Himeko admits it, and she doesn't love or desire Yuzu.People try to justify their desires with "love". They may confuse people like Yuzu, but that wouldn't work on me.
"Why am I always thinking... that I want Mei... to touch me..."
Yuzu... Does she see me the same way I see her? Is that why she doesn't mind all I did to her?
"I thought it was odd... Yuzu-chan was always interested in boys, but she's suddenly a lesbian."
I'm overthinking this.I get inside. Yuzu is fiddling with her phone.“Oh, Mei! I'm gonna bake us a cake for Christmas! It's not hard…” She says.“I'm sure I'll be tasty,” I say. Of course it will. Everything she makes is. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, but it's my first time baking a cake.”“You don't have to try so hard for my sake.”She giggles.“What?” I ask“Nothing.,” she says. “I just think it's funny you say that when you scold me all the time.”“I don't do it all the time, and I do it for your ow-...”“ ...own good, for my sake. You try so hard.”“If you're trying to make me stop, it won't work.”“Busted!”I do try hard for her, I guess... I care for her as any sister would. That Matsuri just wants to be in my shoes, so she started saying those things. Yuzu even rejected her at the mall whereas she never rejected me... Well except for that one time...There I go again, overthinking.I open my briefcase to put tomorrow's books. Algebra, History, Literature... Pencils and lead, highlighters. Extras in case Yuzu forgets hers. Anthoniko. Done.“Mei…” Yuzu fidgets. “Today when we sleep... Since you said you liked my warmth and all…”“I said it was convenient…” I correct her. She’s not wrong though.   “Well, that... Can we cuddle tonight?”“I-...” “Please! I used to do it with Matsuri, and I kinda miss-...”“Alright.”“Yay!”She hugs from behind, and shuffles to the kitchen at mom's call to dinner.
"It's not easy to say "no" to her."
It's growing harder, I'll admit that...xxxWe spent dinner talking about past Christmas eves. Mom showed me pictures of Yuzu when she was young. Matsuri showed up in some of them. Always sulking and clinging to Yuzu.Yuzu was adorable. She had her hair bleached very young. On the last picture where she still had her natural color, Mom said that Yuzu used her new year's money to bleach her hair. I wonder if we would have gotten along had we met as children. I picture five-years me and five-years Yuzu together. My heart flutters. If she had her black hair still, perhaps people would have thought of her as my sister.I can't picture her with black hair, though... I want to see how it'd look on her.“Do you have a picture from when you were a kid,” Yuzu asks me. “I don't,” OI say.She looked at mom. Mom smiled. “Of course.”Dad, no!“I'll go to sleep. Have a good night!” I’m not prepared to hear what Yuzu would say.“Nighty night!” Mom says, while showing the picture to Yuzu. I wonder which one it is?“Wait, Mei!” Yuzu calls out. “We said we'd... OMG she's so cute. Can you send it to me?”“Don't!” I say.“Why?!”“How would you feel if I had a phone and I had a picture of yours?”“Are you saying you want a phone?” Mom asksYuzu gasps.“No! It’s against school regulations,” I say. “Why? If you have one, you can call anytime to see if I'm in trouble…” Yuzu says as if she was a compelling argument. Well, I can check whether she's with Matsuri...“How about you stay out of trouble?”“Come on Yuzu. Whenever she's ready... Your dad thinks you should have one too,” Mom says.“'ll consider it. If the school changes policies, that is,” I say.“ And I'll be the first one on your contact list!” Yuzu says.“IF I get one…”“I'm so proud,” mom says. “Our tsundere-chan is warming up! Gimme a hug!”“I'm good.”“Yuzu, you try it!”Yuzu opened her arms.“What's that supposed to mean?” I asks“Too soon?” Mom asks Yuzu.“Too soon,” Yuzu replies.I turn around and make my way to the bathroom.“Goodnight: I say and make my way to the bathroom.“Wait! goodnight, mom,” Yuzu says.Once in the bathroom, Yuzu bring up our agreement: “We still gonna... You know... I was just…”“Don't worry…” I reassure her. At this rate, I'll have to track down all the things Matsuri did with Yuzu and do them at least once. I'll surpass her eventually…I get in bed. Yuzu doesn't lose a moment before snuggling up to me.“Can I kiss you on the cheek?” Yuzu asks “It's normal between sisters.”Instead of replying I plant one on her cheek. She did the same, ever so gently.“Goodnight, Mei,” she says. “Goodnight.”I bask in her warmth. I listen to her heart beating against mine. She starts stroking my back. I tried to chase away thoughts of Matsuri the best I could, but they kept coming back… Once I felt Yuzu’s body relax and her breathing slow down, I tried to let go of her, but my arm was stuck under her. I stayed there, half-asleep, watching her sleep.I rarely see her eyelids... I don't know why anyone would think eyelids are beautiful but that's what I'm thinking now.Her lips...
"With that, I've taken back the kiss you stole from Yuzu"
Technically, the last kiss on them is still Matsuri's.I put my lips to hers trying as best as I could not to wake her.The moment our lips made contact I felt wide-awake. I’m petrified.Is she awake?What got over me?I didn't even use my tongue... Does this count as a kiss?What am I thinking?Oh no...I back away slowly...I pull my arm from under her using as little force as necessary and it was easy enough.Was I fooling myself into thinking that I couldn't pull my arm from underneath her?
"all you're looking for is your fix of comfort"
No, NO, NO!I sit and hug my knees...Dad, Mom, Himeko, God... Anyone!Yuzu... Help me...xxxI spent the night doing student council work to distract myself from my thoughts, while Yuzu slept soundly behind me.By 5 a.m. I was nearly finished with student council work for today. I could do tomorrow's work today if I stayed a little late, that way I'll be free on Christmas Eve...I go back to bed and snuggle back to Yuzu so that she thinks I never left her side...If she hadn't stopped me that day, I probably would have raped her.
"I would appreciate if you'd keep your filthy hands off my Onee-chan."
Maybe I can't see the forest or the trees.Maybe Matsuri has my good side... She was just forced to try and be bad because Yuzu gave her the impression that she's in love with me. She didn't make a move in all the years she knew Yuzu. I made one when I barely knew her. Matsuri is probably the proper one between the both of us...What do you think Yuzu? Who am I kidding... Yuzu is the kindest. She thought she was more twisted than me… Did she really think that? I need her to make me feel better about myself. Please, tell me I'm not a rapist. Tell me I'm doing it because I love you... Anything is better than this feeling. I waited for her to wake up. Listening to her heartbeat... Feeling her breath.At 6 o'clock I woke her up.She drowsily tried to kiss me on the cheek like a "normal sister". I got out of the way.xxxEverything seemed loud today. Matsuri's words were even louder in my head. She got under my skin, but it was my own doing, to be fair. I gave her words reason to be true.Himeko and Maruta-senpai were in the student council room when I got there... The others have already requested Christmas day off a week ago. They all have fiancees… It seemed I interrupted something. “Sorry for the interruption”“President! G-Good to see you!” Himeko welcomes me. “Could we try to get as much done as possible, so that we can take Christmas off?” I ask.”“That's rare,” Maruta-senpai says. Do you have something scheduled, President?”“Christmas Plans?!” Himeko was utterly surprised. “On that day... I have plans with my family... I'm sorry for letting personal matters get in the way at such a busy time. If there's any leftover work, I promise I'll do it the day after that.Himeko sighs and Maruta-senpai smiles.“Don't worry President,” Himeko says. Count on us to handle it. Have fun without work weighing you down. It's your first Christmas with your new family!” Himeko then proceeds to choke me. “Your family... Your family, alright! Definitely don't spend time alone with Aihara Yuzu! I won't permit it!”Does she realize I spend time with her alone every night? “Himeko, you're hurting me.”“There, there, vice-president,” Maruta-senpai tries to Yuzu is not the problem, I am.What would Himeko think if she learned that Yuzu infatuation with me is my own doing?xxx“ President, we finished school inspection,” Himeko says.“Thank you,” I let Maruta-senpai and Himeko handle things since I knew Yuzu went out early… “I'll be finishing this report, please head home without me.”“Alright,” Himeko says. Himeko is being oddly cooperative...It took me twenty minutes to finish. I close the door and return the key. Yuzu must be worried. Maybe I should get a phone...I heard a rattling sound I was getting my shoes. For a moment there I thought it was my imagination, but Matsuri showed up.A chill went down my spine.Why am I losing my composure over a middle-schooler?“Aren't you the hard worker,” Matsuri says, “staying this late, Miss President.”“ You're on School grounds without permission again...” I try to shake off any and all uncertainty from my voice.“Wow, you're harsh!” Unphased she walked up to me. “You start with scolding and here I was waiting for you on a cold day... “ She moves behind me and puts her hands on my shoulders. She lifts herself up so that she could whisper in my ear. “I want you to warm me up like you did for Yuzu-chan at the bus stop…” She saw that! Shaken, I let go of my shoes. She presses herself against me, slid esher hand under my skirt and grabbed my breast using her other hand. She started stroking my thigh and fondling my breast. I lean on the locker for support. Why am I letting myself being done like this? “In return for that little show…” Matsuri whispers aggressively. “I thought I should play with you for a bit, Mei-san, but for a slut who can kiss anyone without batting an eye, that'd be more of a reward, right?”This girl is dangerous. The best course of action is trying to figure out what she's after… “What do you want from me?” I ask, after managing to compose myself.“Well, I got you a present.” She stopped stroking my thigh and showed me her phone. On the screen, a picture of me kissing her. “Do you like it? It came out nice, right?”This is trouble. “What... are you after?”“I already told you, didn't I? I don't want you near my Yuzu-chan. I told you that and you straight-up ignored me,” she says. I wish. She’s been haunting my thoughts... And it looks like she’s not done. “But, I guess a nympho like you couldn't hold back, huh, Mei-san? Who would've thought the student council president would be so thirsty?”I hate her! I have to get that phone. I whirl around but she gets away. “So I thought I have to help that poor girl ,'' she continues running off her mouth as nothing happened. “I found someone else for lonely little Mei-chan.” She picked my shoes up and put another phone on them. “Tomorrow on Christmas Eve, please meet up with my online friend. Oh, and take cash upfront. I don't want you to get taken advantage of…”I can't utter a word.“You'll be fine,” she says. “There are plenty of people willing to give you your desired bodily contact. I hope you like my present. If you choose not to accept it... I know a fine place to put this picture. You're a smart girl. You know what I'm talking about, right?”I pick up the phone while she stood there, looking down on me, grinning. “Yuzu won't bend to your will so easily…” That's all I can think of.“Oh, I'm sure I'll be fine. No matter what, Yuzu will always be my o-nee-chan.”xxxOnce I made sure Matsuri wasn't following me, my brain started working again.I should've just walked away when she provoked me at the mall...Should I come clean to Yuzu and figure this out together?The phone felt cold through my pocket.Yuzu will be devastated if I tell her...I have bigger fish to fry but all I'm thinking of is Yuzu.That photo will destroy me if it gets leaked. The problem is there is no guarantee she won't use it even if I do everything she says...Yuzu could persuade her I'm sure, but that girl will know that I told her...I'm alone in this.I stop walking.It's been a while since I felt like this. Yuzu yanked me from the solitary existence I was leading, and now I'm asked to go back...Maybe it's for the best.I'm a dark cloud for the sunshine that is Yuzu... With me out of the picture, she'll shine even brighter than she's doing.If left to my own devices, I would never leave Yuzu alone.Maybe it was God or Fate who sent Matsuri to make me stop while giving me a taste of my own medicine.Will Yuzu still hold me dear, even if get "soiled"?Matsuri never thought of that possibility, I presume.What am I thinking...Still gunning for Yuzu's affection through any means...xxxMom and Yuzu were home when I got there.“Hi Mei,” Yuzu greets me. “Welcome home,” mom says “Mei-chan! How was student council work?”“Fine…”  I say.“We're getting ready for our Christmas party!” Yuzu says cheerfully “What kind of cookies do you like? If you have any requests we can buy them after school tomor-…”“I'm terribly sorry,” I try my best to not see Yuzu's disappointed face, “ but I still have things to do at the student council.” I'm sorry, Himeko, Maruta-senpai. “I don't think I'll be able to attend the Christmas party tomorrow night…”“Student council stuff? Even on Christmas Eve? Can't you get out of it?”I'm holding the phone Matsuri gave in my left hand, but for some reason neither of them notice it. I want them to see it... I'm sure Yuzu would recognize it.“Yuzu! Don't be unreasonable…” Mom says.“I'm really sorry...” I say.“You don't have to apologize, dear…”Mom's usually so perceptive... Why did she choose today to go blind?xxxAfter dinner, Yuzu got into the bath first. I took that opportunity to chat with Matsuri's internet friend . I found a message from Matsuri. "Tell him you'll be wearing an Aihara Academy uniform. That should make things easier for you to come up with an excuse ;)"The things she said "she" would do are baffling...Me: Hello.Zino62: Hi. Y U no reply?I assume he’s asking why I didn’t reply. Me: I was having dinner with my familyZino62: Family? U said u live alone.She could've at least told me what backstory she fed him. Maybe she did that on purpose so I screw up and...Me: I do. Since it's Christmas they came to visit but they're going back tomorrow morning.Zino62: Who came?I don't know what she told him, so I'd better steer the conversation away.Me: I don't have much time, so where do we meet tomorrow?Zino62: You sound different todayThis is getting complicated. I decided to try something risky.Me: I take it you want to cancel...Zino62: Stop it, girl! Okay. The square near the station. What will you be wearing?Me: An Aihara Academy UniformThat devil wants me to be recognizable.Yuzu enters. “Mei, the bath's free!” She says.“Okay, thanks,” I reply without looking up. Ask me about the phone!“Hey, Mei…” She says  “Can't you just take tomorrow off? Like, put it off until the next day or something?”“It's something I can't get out of…”Zino62: Tomorrow 2:00 PM at the clock tower near the station square.Yuzu: I seeI sent a message to Matsuri: "done"Seconds later, Yuzu’s phone rang. “It's from Matsuri, Hm? Let's go on a date tomorrow ? She wants to hang out with me on Christmas Eve? There's gotta be someone else she could invite.”My last desperate attempt at a cry for help: “You should go out with her tomorrow. That girl needs you.”Now ask me what I mean, please.Nothing. She just let me go to the bath without a word. The one time I wanted her to meddle in my business...I sit in the bath and look at the ceiling.I have to buy some contraceptives...That girl really drove me into a corner. I can already see the backlash of this. Mom and Dad will say that I should've talked to them, but what am I supposed to say? "I'm gonna be raped because I kissed a girl who kissed Yuzu because she was mad at me for kissing Yuzu many times"? Grandfather will probably disown me, although my Birth mother made it that it can't be done without severe consequences for the Aiharas... What will she think of this? Will she blame herself? I'm sure she'll just blame Dad and probably mom... Himeko will be devastated and look at me with pity. I have to prepare myself to cut my ties with her...The truth about me and Yuzu is bound to come to light sooner or later. It makes me think whether there's a point for doing all of this...The only one I can talk to is Yuzu.I told her to go with Matsuri... I want her to come after me...Tears start flowing. When did I become this pathetic? Hoping for Yuzu to save me, like some knight in shining armor...She spoiled me. I got used to her spoiling me. I guess she's very deserving of "Onee-san" in that way.How will Yuzu react to the whole situation? Will she take care of me? Will she love me?My silent tears turned into sobs and I remembered "Into the Forest". At least Eva was taken unawares, I'm walking into it with my own feet.Out of the both of us, I always thought of Yuzu as the one most likely to be taken advantage of... Now I hate that unconscious thought.Will Yuzu still look at me the same way she does? Will she want me to touch her still?I'm getting dizzy from the heat...Maybe if I get hospitalized tonight I'll get out of it...Nell and Eva made love...Before I knew it, I was touching myself, thinking of Yuzu. Imagining our bodies intertwined... Kissing... Loving... Moaning...Trying to escape reality any way I could... I'm useless.I can't get dizzy enough to pass out...The knocks on the doors cleared my mind altogether: “Mei-chan? Are you okay in there? You've been in there for 50 minutes!”“Yes! Sorry. I dozed off!” I say “Jeez! Open the door” Mom’s muffled voice came from behind the door. “Hold on.” I get my bearings and walk carefully to the door.Mom got in and looked into my eyes and put her forehead to mine. “My God you're burning.”“It's just the bath…”She got a towel and started drying me. I let her do what she wanted. I might as well get used to it… “Jeez!” She says. “You sleep anywhere, don't you?” She wraps the towel around my waist and starts drying my hair. “Are you okay?”“No.”“What's going on?”I don't know where to start...“Is this about missing Yuzu's party?” She asks.“Yes.” I say. Technically, that’s true. “Oh my! That's precious!” She bursts laughing. She kissed me on both cheeks. “You love her so much, but remember she loves you too. She might act frustrated now, but it'll all go away once you tell her her cake is yummy... Just do what you have to do, and she'll welcome you with a big hug when you come back... You think too much…”“I'll keep that in mind. Thank you. Goodnight.”“Goodnight sweety. Make sure to tell Yuzu how you feel.”I should've come clean right there...If I tell her everything that happened from the first night I spent under her roof, I'm sure Yuzu and I will never see each other again.I just have to bear with it for two more years. Once I get married, Yuzu and I, we'll be able to keep our bond as sisters.Yuzu was awake in bed.I start putting on my clothes. A little self-conscious that Yuzu might be looking at me.To alleviate the feeling, I start a conversation: “Did you make plans with that girl?”“Not yet,” She says “Just in case you come back early.”She prioritized me, despite everything… I get into bed.“Goodnight.”“Goodnight, Mei.”I lie there, waiting for her to fall asleep. Once she did. I plant a kiss on her cheek.I don't care anymore.Matsuri, you win. But you're not gonna change that I'm the one she goes to bed to. For now, at least.xxxWith no student council work to be done, I had to sit there alone with nothing to do.I got Antoniko out of my briefcase and stared at him for hours.Over the past two days, my brain worked itself into exhaustion. I'm not overthinking anymore. I just made peace with what's happening to me. It's divine punishment, and there's no doubt I deserve it.I hoped to be rescued by Yuzu or mom. I wish I could call my dad about this... But all the choices I have lead to having to lose Yuzu.I hope all of this just goes away with this...I bought all kinds of contraceptives... The look of disdain from the clerk... I didn't care for it, to be honest.I wonder how much Matsuri sold me for...He sent me a message saying he'd be late by one hour. I went out at 2 p.m. anyway.I sat there...I never took the time to look at this square. Somehow, now, each tile seems like an important detail to take in.The phone rang. 2:46"Mei? Where are you?" Yuzu's voice?The communication got cut off... She sounded like she's not far...There she is!“Yuzu, Sorry,” I say. “I accidentally hung up. I never used this phone for calls.”Tears in her eyes, she ran to me and buries her face in my chest. “Uwah... Mei.”Behind her, Matsuri put on her headphone.I think I know what happened.My knight with sniveling demeanor got to me in time.Couldn't she at least try to look cool? Who am I kidding? She looks adorable... I wouldn't have her any other way...She hugged me. I let go of my bag and I hug her back.We stay like that for her sobs settle down...My sister. She makes everything okay, just by being here.I refrain from kissing her... I just stroke her back, with Matsuri is looking away.I have to give credit to that girl, she made me dance to her tunes.I wonder what would've happened if she just showed Yuzu the picture...xxxWe all boarded the train. Matsuri and I were sitting at either side of Yuzu.With nobody talking, Yuzu fell asleep. The poor thing, she must be exhausted from making cakes. I'll make sure to shower her with praise... to the best of my abilities.With Yuzu asleep, I can have a heart to heart with that girl. “So, did you have a nice date?” I ask. For me to be saying that after being at her mercy less than an hour ago, I must be fond of playing with fire.“You don't have to rub it in,” She says. “Gimme a break! It's game over for me. Even Yuzu-chan probably hates me now” I'm sure that's one emotion our Yuzu is incapable of.“ And you stole my role as little sister ,” she goes on. “I guess I'll never find anyone who looks at me and me alone.”I see.. That's why she could see right through me, but looking at her now, she seems to not realize it. “The two of us aren't different,” I say. “My whole life I was yearning for affection, but I despised people around me and closed off my heart. Before I realized, I've become empty”“Empty?” “Yes, however... In this world, there are meddlesome people who give out love without you asking. For people like you and me, meeting such people is a blessing…”“But to do all that to wi-, uh, preach to me is reckless. What if that guy didn't take "no" for an answer?”“I was prepared for that possibility.”“Huh? We're talking about rape here!”Why is she shouting? She was the one who put me in that situation in the first place. As for the answer... I think I finally found out what was going on with me: “Like you, I think I wanted to know how Yuzu felt about me…”“ Here, Mei-san…” She deleted the picture. “You should be more honest about your feelings to Yuzu.”It's not that simple. I may scare her away… Then again, she may feel the same way...xxxWe see Matsuri off at the station. She couldn't say goodbye like a normal person. She teased Yuzu, and bid us farewell with this"Thanks for hanging out with me, my Onee-chans. Enjoy your evening, you two. Get the basics down, next time let's make it a threesome"I feign cluelessness. Like I'd let her touch Yuzu...Yuzu tried to be cheerful on the way home, but I can tell she was just trying to avoid talking about my Christmas plans. We'll have to do it eventually.It's impressive how she kept talking until we got to the elevator. I appreciate it.“Phew, this was an exhausting Christmas!” She says. “Mom might be already asleep. She said she had work tomorrow.”“Hey, Yuzu…” I say. “The cake you made... Can I have a piece?”“Of course. Won't eating it this late make you fat? Why not eat it tomorrow?”“You made it for tonight. Tomorrow it won't taste as good.”“You're pretty stubborn, Mei. Just like gramps,” Yuzu sat Beside me on the couch.“You flatter me.”Delicious, as expected,“Uh, how is it?” She asks.“Are you worried I'd say it tastes bad?”  I ask. Matsuri isn't the only one who knows how to tease her. “I hope it doesn’t give me food poisoning.”“C'mon! Just tell meee!” She gets agitated.Oups, went too far. “Sorry,” I say. “Mei... Sorry about today. I'm a stupid worthless older sister. I hurt both you and Matsuri…”I'm sure neither of us thinks that. She starts crying... I'm going try to brush this off. “You're such a crybaby.” She hugged me. I almost dropped the plate. I’m bad at this. Both jokes went sideways. “Promise me one thing... Don't ever put yourself in danger like you did today. If you get hurt, mom and I will be hurt too, a thousand times over! Got that? If anything is up, talk to me about it.”Talk to you about my trouble…"In that case, maybe I should be more straightforward." I put the plate down and place myself between her legs. I kiss her jaw… She seems to give in. How I longed for her lips… She resists me at the last second. I'm not giving up. I know how I feel now. I grab her hand and put it on my heart."Can you hear my heart?"She's speechless...“Inside of me there are things that would please you…”I care about you, I wanna cherish you, kiss goodnight every day, I want to eat your dishes and for you to eat mine, I want you to depend on me...“And there's a part that will terrify you…”I want to do more than just touch you, I want to make you moan, I want you to look at me and me only, I want to lock you up from the rest of the world, I want to own you, I want you to need me...“Knowing that... Do you still want to take a peek inside of me?”Please, say yes...She pullss her hand.“Wh-What's gotten into you, Mei?” She asks.She's adorable...“I'm grateful to you... You did a lot for my Grandfather, and for me with my father. You got through to me and helped me settle my issues…” I undo my tie and let it fall to the side. I'm not gonna be forceful this time. I'll give myself to her instead… “That’s why, I Should repay you with what you've been desiring…” “Mei?” She’s She's flushed red. It's turning me on… I love the way she says my name//. The way she looks at me... I unbutton my shirt and let it fall off my shoulders. “You want it, right?” I ask.  She stares at me for a minute. My heart beats faster than it ever did. “You sure about this?” Yuzu asks me. Her voice is beautiful… Is there anything about her that isn’t? She's not rejecting me. Good. I try to make things more comfortable for her. “Yes, I am,” I put my hand on her knee to encourage her. She finally decides to make a move.She cups my cheek and closes her eyes, preparing herself to kiss me. I keep my eyes open. I don't want to lose any second of this moment... This is it. The point of no return.She stops, second away from putting her lips to mine, opens her eyes and backs away. She looks me in the eyes...Come on Yuzu... This isn't the first time we kissed...She seems to have realized something.She grabbed both my arms and looked down.“Sorry, I can't!” She wails.What?!There are no words for the sting in my heart.I slide her hands off me. She sat there without moving.I grab my tie and throw my shirt above my shoulder.This is humiliating.“Goodnight…” I manage to say.She doesn't reply.I laid myself bare, literally and figuratively... and that's how she reacts...I go to our room and lock the door behind me.I fling my shirt at the wall!Anger and humiliation give to the realization that the person that I needed the most just rejected me.She doesn't need me as much as I need her...

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Around five in the morning, Yuzu tried to come in. When she found that the door was locked, she knocked. It was barely audible. Had I been asleep, I wouldn’t have heard it.  Mei…” Yuzu’s voice is as soft as her knock. “Mei… Mom is waking up soon. Please open the door…”She has a point. Nonetheless, I don’t want to let her in.“Please, Mei…” Yuzu pleads “If she asks me right now, I’ll-... “She’s right. I don’t want to face Mom right now either. The closer I got to the door, the tighter my heart became.I unlock the door and got back to bed as fast as I could. She got in without a word. She changed her clothes and laid down beside me, facing the other way.I thought she would have taken the futon out. This isn’t how I imagined things would end up. I crossed the last boundary we had as “sisters”, in hopes for what? Becoming “lovers”? I can't blame this on Matsuri and what she did to me. I tried to destroy that boundary many times before meeting her, justifying my actions with something or another. Yuzu kept building our relationship up and I kept chipping it away.  I tried to make sure she desired me on top of caring for me. When I gave myself to her, I thought I was sure of it. Now I don’t want to entertain the idea that she doesn’t view me in that light. She asked me what that kiss meant. She said she wanted me to touch her. I know she was not lying.Do I really know her that well? I’m at the point where I cannot doubt anything she says. She has always been genuine with me. I can’t understand.Rather, I don’t want to understand. If she’s always been honest with me, wouldn't that mean her rejection was probably honest as well?Is this what denial feels like? How does she feel about me?I never asked her to make it clear. I just went with my misguided assumptions and conclusions.Why on earth did I make it sound like I was rewarding her? I wanted it as well, evidently more than she did. Is that why she rejected me?I hear faint sobs coming from her. My own tears start to flow. The sun was up. No school today so I can’t use that excuse to get out of this room. I can’t even look up to check what time it is. Neither of us makes the slightest movement.  Had she accepted me, we could have been making love right now. I wanted to tell her many things. I wanted to ask many more.After meeting Matsuri, I wanted to know everything about her. I don’t know anything about her father and grandparents. I wanted to tell her about my mother. I wish things could go back to how they were before we met Matsuri. Because of her, I discovered that I don't want anybody else to have Yuzu.I'm getting thirsty.She's not sobbing anymore. I can't muster the courage to see whether she's asleep or not.I rise from the bed slightly. Feeling no reaction from her, I continue my gradual rise. I tiptoe my way out of the room without having the courage to look at her. I go to the bathroom, then the kitchen. Mom has left breakfast for us. It’s gone cold. It’s past 2 p.m.I hear Yuzu close the door of the bathroom. Moments later I hear her say “I’m going out”Is this going to be a repeat of when she ran away? Is she going to tell Taniguchi about yesterday?“Yuzu!” I call out to her as sternly as my broken pride could allow me.“Yes!” she said, startled. “Where are you going?”“To Harumin’s.”“You’ll do no such thing.”I am in no position to dish out orders, yet I don’t know what to say to keep her from going. I just don’t want her to go. It’s all I can come up with.My heart beats so fast. I can’t look her in the eye. I just turn around and go back to our room. She followed shortly. I don’t know why she complied, but I’m glad she did.  I go out of the room as soon as she comes in. This uncomfortable hide and seek continued throughout the day until Mom came back.“I’m home!” Mom announces in her usual cheerful voice. “Welcome back.” Yuzu and I reply in harmony despite being on opposite wavelengths since yesterday. "Hey, since we were not able to celebrate Christmas together, how about we go to a New year’s fair, the three of us," Mom says."I’m busy that day," I replied, trying to sound as convincing as I can."Um… I’m also-..." Yuzu stuttered."What?" Mom looks back and forth between Yuzu and me. "Did you two have a fight again?""No, we didn’t!" Yuzu didn't know she was an open book, or so I used to believe. "No." I say."Girls…" Mom said through a sigh, "It's only been four months since you became sisters. I know it's hard getting used to each other, but this is your fourth fight already. You're doing well, but don't let these little fights break the progress you’ve made. I always let you solve things by yourselves but this is enough. What is it this time? Neither of you are good at pretending, so tell me. Is it about the Christmas party?""No. It's nothing, I-..." Yuzu starts."Yes, it is." I interrupt her, "I wasn't busy yesterday. An acquaintance of mine was in town so I wanted to meet up with them. Yuzu and Matsuri ran into me. I didn't like that she meddled in my affairs. " I turn to Yuzu. " I apologize for everything I did. This is the last time I do something like that. I promise." I do my best not to look at Yuzu. Luckily Mom is here. I used her to avert my eyes. "Satisfied?""Not quite," Mom said. "Since we didn't spend Christmas together, we're spending New Year's together. Got that? So clear up your schedule.""Got it.""Yuzu, you said in your text that you were going to be at Harumi's. What happened?""I changed my mind," Yuzu says."Go to your room," Mom says. "I have things to discuss with Mei."Things to discuss with me? Did she see us on the couch last night?Once the door clicked, she asked me to sit down."I'm visiting your mother tomorrow. Do you want to come with me? I was planning to tell her you were adapting well to your life with us." Mom makes a dismissing gesture "Of course, that was before I knew the two of you were in the middle of a new fight…" "My mother has made it clear that I should not be contacting her." I say."And what do you want?" "I have no reason to go with you.""Do you have a reason for NOT accompanying me.""I just said-""I know. But I’m your legal guardian. My word is above hers when it comes to telling you what to do."She’s technically right. Had she asked a week ago, I probably would have went without thinking too much. Now is the worst possible moment for me to see my mother. I can’t put my finger on the exact reason for this dread, but unearthing all those feelings I buried years ago doesn’t seem like something I could handle at the same time with all that’s going on with Yuzu. "Consider this as my selfish request. Can you spare me from going with you?”"I did drop this on you at the last minute, so I won’t push you. Next time I go see her you’re coming with me, alright?""Just make sure to let me know at least a week in advance.""Jeez! Do I need to sign any forms? You really are her daughter. Making an appointment with her was a pain in the butt too.""She must be busy.""My God! You Aiharas and your tight schedules!""You’re an Aihara too. Is everything okay with dad?""Do you think any woman would be happy if she couldn’t spend New Year’s with the man she loves?""Do you love Dad?"Mom’s smile crumble on its own. "Can you keep a secret?""From whom?""Yuzu and in parts from your Dad. It’s not as much a secret as it is an embarrassing thing…”"Your secret is safe with me."Your Dad and I… We haven’t said I love you to each other yet. I mean it’s implied but we still haven’t… It’s hard for the woman to say it first. I know the way both of you have been raised doesn’t encourage the open expression of feelings, but I can’t yield on this. All I’m asking for is one I love you and I’ll bury him in thousands of I love yous ""So you do love him.""Of course I do!"She hugs me. "And I love you, and Yuzu loves you so hurry up and make up.""What makes you sure what you’re feeling for him is love?""Believe me, when you fall in love you’ll know it." I needed a more concrete answer, "Well, I’m glad you feel that way about him.”"How about you, Mei? Do you love us, Yuzu and me?"I’m certainly fond of mom. She’s special. Yuzu… It’s more complicated. I wanted to confirm things yesterday but she rejected me. The worst part is that, beyond that initial anger, I can’t feel any resentment towards her even though she utterly humiliated me. "I haven’t been raised to express my feelings, as you put it yourself.""Tsundere-chan." She slapped my butt. It wasn’t painful, but it was offensive. "Go make up with Yuzu""Don’t ever do that again.""What? Oh… it’s an expression of love. You can bet your cute little butt that I’m doing it again.""I’m going to tell Dad about your secret.""I don’t mind. Part of me was hoping you would.""Then I won’t tell him.""I love it when you behave like a child" She tried to kiss me but I got away from her. "I’ll get you later!"She can always make me do ridiculous things no matter what’s on my mind.She says “make up” with Yuzu, but was that even a fight? “Disagreement” and “misunderstanding” don’t apply either. I didn’t even get to explain things properly. Rejection is the only suitable word I can think of. I wanted to tell her how fond I became of her and that I couldn’t help but protect her from the very things I wanted to do to her. If it’s hard for a woman to express her feelings first, how do we go about figuring this out, being both girls. I tried to, but she shut me out. I genuinely can’t understand her. She’s been so gentle and warm towards me, then she shunned me when I tried to open up. Four months ago I would have thought that she was just messing with me, but now I can’t help but see that her heart has nothing in it but good intentions no matter what she does. She cried earlier as if she was the one hurt. She has no right! I’m the one who’s been rejected.As I stand in front of the door of our room, for the first time since I moved in, I find myself wishing we had separate rooms.  I open the door slowly and enter without making a sound. Yuzu isn't here.I knock on the bathroom door to check if she was there. No reply.It was careless of me to let her out of my sight. My best course of action would be to report to Mom and get her to come back as soon as possible. I’ll personally talk to her on the phone. Things are not as simple as the last time when all I had to do was call her by her name. Telling Mom would probably have a negative impact on our relationship, but I can’t afford to hesitate.As I knocked on Mom’s bedroom door, I heard the front door opening. "Come in," Mom says."Never mind." I say, deciding to check if Yuzu came back.It is her. She goes straight to our room. I follow her. She puts a duffle bag aside. Were those supposed to be her overnight things?"Mom says we should make up.” she said, not looking in my direction."Yes, Let’s just pretend that we did." I say trying to sound natural. "There’s no use making her worry about this.”"Right." “Let’s go tell her, then.” I say finally looking at her. The pained expression on her face confused me. She has no right! I’m the one who got rejected by her! “On second thought, let’s not say anything for now.”Mom will see right through her. It’s better if we resolve things properly before saying anything. The web of lies we wove is already too complicated. Although I wouldn’t call what’s going on between us a fight, I can’t find the right word for it, but I hope we can find our way through. If there’s anything I learned, Yuzu and I can’t leave each other alone. Whatever this is, it won’t last more than a week. xxxTwo months. Yuzu and I haven’t spoken for two months beyond “good morning”, “goodnight”, and “dinner is ready”. Anything more complex than that was communicated in notes.  Hadn't I learned how honest to a fault she was, I would have thought she was playing me. When we became sisters, I spent many sleepless nights overthinking the hidden intentions behind her actions. Now, it’s her honesty that confuses me.I didn’t know how to behave towards her anymore. She kept on finding ways for being kind and warm to me despite the discomfort between us. On the other hand, even the simplest routines we had become accustomed to prior to that cursed Christmas became unsolvable dilemmas for me. Among which, making dinner for each other. My dishes were terrible, hers were delicious. She promised she’d teach me how to cook but we never got to that. One night, I left a note for her saying that she didn’t need to make dinner for me anymore. I don’t know whether she read it or not, but something tells me it didn’t matter. I kept on finding my share in the fridge. I didn’t want to offend her so I kept on eating them. She gave me tips when we were on talking terms but I couldn’t bring myself to try them when we weren’t. I couldn’t bear her seeing me in a bad light anymore. Speaking of which, I hope she didn’t notice that I put on weight. I tried going for simple recipes and sandwiches to match her excellent skills, but I failed miserably. I couldn’t let her eat those excuses for meals, so I ate what was supposed to be her and Mom’s shares each time. Leaving Mom’s share would have made me look even worse. After careful consideration, I decided “the insensitive little sister who didn’t make dinner for her family” is slightly better than ”the insensitive little sister who made dinner for Mom but not me”.  Not finding their share when it was my turn to make dinner didn’t dissuade her from making dinner for me when it was hers. It was easier when I was able to think “she’s playing the better person” like I used to do. Now all I can think is, “This is just like her”.When I noticed my weight I started calling Mom each time and telling her to eat out because I wasn’t able to make it, until she told me that I didn’t need to make dinner anymore. She increased our allowance so that we could eat out too. All that made me do was buy more expensive ingredients, which didn’t amount to any improvement. I kept on trying and failing to make Yuzu’s share and eating it myself. If Dad asked me how our six months of being sisters were like, I could as well summarize as “I put on X kilograms and Yuzu lost Y kilograms”. It’s frustrating. All I went through with Matsuri's shenanigans was for naught. To add insult to injury, Yuzu was acting as if she was the victim. I told Matsuri that I closed off my heart, but now that Yuzu pried it open, I can’t find a way to close it anymore. Yuzu left me a note saying that Matsuri came to see me. It had Matsuri’s number. I called her to ask her what she wanted. She said that she needed help with her studies. I invited her over but she declined,saying that she can't come while Yuzu and I were in the middle of a fight. She refused to believe that Yuzu and I weren't fighting in the first place and said to call her once we made up. The reason why she was talking as if she was doing me a favor was beyond me. For a second, I considered telling Matsuri what was going on because she was the only soul who knew the truth, at least partially, of what was going on between me and Yuzu. Then I remembered that it meant that there’s a chance for her to take back Yuzu. Well, “take” instead of “take back”. I’m not sure Yuzu is mine anymore. Not that she was ever mine. I had the potential of making her mine. I thought I was just one step away but ended up taking ten steps back. Such are the feelings I wanted to admit that night. Not only do I want to be here for her, I want to own her, as despicable as it sounds. I was sure she would listen to me and accept me because she needed me, but I was mistaken seeing how she reacted and rejected me that Christmas night.Mom kept on pestering us to make up. She made us sit through many “so what’s going on?”. At first, in each meeting Yuzu and I took turns at saying we weren’t fighting, which was true as far as I was concerned.  We were just having a hard time talking to each other which, understandably, looked like a fight to a bystander but Yuzu and I knew better. I may not understand her; her actions are confusing but I assume mine are as clear as day to her. For all her pestering, I discovered Mom didn’t tell Dad that she believed we were fighting. Eventually, she was fed up and said “I can’t tell your Dad to visit, just for him to come home to whatever the hell this is!”Once she let us go to our room I sat at my desk and wrote “Yuzu, concerning what Mom said. How about we try putting everything behind us momentarily? I would love to meet Dad in person again now that I can face him.” When I got up to give her the note, she was standing right in front of me, her own piece of paper in had. It was one of the rare moments we looked into each other’s eyes over the last month.Once the initial surprise wore off, we exchanged our notes. Hers read “Hey Mei, about what mama said. You miss Dad, right? I thought we could make up long enough for him to visit.”I was overwhelmed by a desire to kiss her. This is what Yuzu and I were. We understood each other in our own way. I wanted to show Dad the truth of how close her and I have become.Then I realized I didn’t want to show him the truth. I will never be ready to tell him the truth of what we are. Yet, I don’t want to change that truth without seeing it through… Like a moth to a flame. 
“We're both girls, and on top of that we're sisters, so we shouldn't try to become more than that. We need to stop what we were doing.”
I never thought those words would come back to haunt me. What am I chasing?When did I place Yuzu and Dad on the same pedestal? If the me who first kissed Yuzu on the first night we spent together, was asked would “wanting Yuzu to need you” and ”wanting your father to approve of you” ever compete, my answer would have been a categorical “never”.No matter what I say to him, I’ll be lying to him. Does that count as facing him? That doubt made me reconsider “On second thought, let’s not.”Dejected, she threw herself on the bed and I returned to my desk, not doing anything.I shouldn’t have felt bad, yet I did. Her rejection was far “worse” than mine. And that’s the closest we’ve come to talking to each other again.Dad called us each week. Usually, we spoke to him together, but Mom judged it better that we start speaking separately after not being able to make Yuzu and I reconcile. Mom cared about Dad a lot. She told him all that went well with us and rarely burdened him with our “disagreements”.  A stranger would think she’s nothing but smiles and sweetness, but I‘ve seen through that facade more in the last two months than I did before Christmas.I knew my birth Mother was capable of breaking her so I waited for Mom's return to inquire on the aftermath of their conversation. All she told me was "You're my daughter as much as you are hers, you got that?" Her tone wasn't anything like I've been accustomed to during my time with her. It was the first time I sensed Ume was a woman who can have regrets. I grabbed her hand as she was making her way to her bedroom. The words “don’t leave us” died in my throat once I remembered how they were received when I last said them. My biological mother told the eleven-year-old me, “You are a grown woman now, and Aihara women don’t get attached.” By that criterion, I was failing spectacularly: I kept clinging to the hope that Dad would come back after five years; Yuzu rejected me, yet I couldn’t accept it; and I discovered the moment I clenched Mom’s hand, she was my Mom. I called her Mom but never thought I was putting any feeling into it.  She watched me for a few seconds, then pulled me into a hug. There was no warmth in her voice yet it filled my heart. As if she was making an oath, she said: “As long as I draw breath, I’ll be by your side”. I did my best to hold back the tears. It was useless. I didn’t say anything, yet she saw through me. She’s indeed Yuzu’s mother. She kissed me and said that she would be talking to Dad in the following hours, that they had important matters to discuss and that he wouldn’t be talking to either me or Yuzu, but she’ll make sure to send him our hugs. She didn’t tell us much about what was going on between them. She may have told Yuzu, but she didn’t tell me how they met and how they came to marry each other. The arrangement and Dad being absent on the first day felt off, but Grandfather approved of it so I assumed there was a rationale behind it. Yuzu and I were so preoccupied with making our relationship difficult for the subject of our parents’ relationship to come up. I thought Yuzu was sheltered and pampered. It never occured to me that I was in the same boat.She expected us to reconcile before New Year’s, but since neither Yuzu nor I showed any signs of mellowing down she bargained by taking us for Hatsumode. She made us wear Yukatas and tied my hair up for me. Yuzu did her hair on her own.I prayed for our family's health and safety, Grandfather’s recovery, Mom and Dad's relationship. As for Yuzu and I, I didn’t know what to pray for, so I just asked for blessing.The o-mikuji was the silliest part.. Yuzu and I had han-kichi (half-blessing) while Mom had a chū-kichi (medium blessing). Mom had good fortunes on everything but machibito (a person being waited for). She tied her o-mikuji to the pine tree. Yuzu asked her why she did it, she smiled and said “That’s one of the most important things, don’t you agree?” I had good fortunes on ren’ai (romantic relationship) and edan (marriage proposal or engagement) but a bad one on arashigoto (disputes). Yuzu had good fortunes on gakumon  (studies), shussan (childbirth) and a bad one on negaigoto (one’s wish or desire). Mom made her tie hers at the sight of shussan. I think Yuzu would have tied it anyway. I tied mine as well. I don’t believe in fortunes but that arashigoto fortune bothered me. I doubt I’m getting engaged again this year as Grandfather is being very careful on choosing a groom. That one didn’t matter. As for the ren’ai one.... I don’t believe in fortunes.  Yuzu picked an enmensubi (love knot) on our way out, but she put it back. I wonder what it said...  She called Dad that day. We took turns wishing him a good year. That was the last time we spoke to him together. Mom told him that she wouldn’t tolerate him being away the following New Year. He said that if he couldn’t make it, we’ll go meet him wherever he was instead. Yuzu, who usually was the one to express how excited she is at any semblance of good news, didn’t utter a word. I had to intervene and say that we’re looking forward to next year, but we’d also like to see him before that.Mom was furious after that call. “What’s with the abused wife and oppressive husband act you just pulled? The shrine visit felt off but I told myself Yuzu is just probably jealous that Mei put a friend before her. This is too much!”She went on interrogating us about details, talking to each of us alone, Yuzu and I stayed silent until Yuzu couldn’t bear it anymore and cried. I could tell Mom couldn’t bear seeing her cry. She told us to go to our room. She whispered to me to comfort Yuzu as I passed across her. That was just the first of such meetings but I didn’t expect an outburst like that. I felt awful for driving a calm person to such extremes. The following day she apologized to Yuzu and I. She hugged us and sat us on the couch, with both of us at either sides. She caressed Yuzu’s back and told her that she didn’t mean to shout. Yuzu said it was okay that she was just surprised because Mom never yelled at her before.I envied that they could be open to each other about how they felt. AlI I needed is for Yuzu to tell me she was taken by surprise, not in the mood, or had other things on her mind. Any excuse would work. We can figure out things from there. She has to realize I can’t be the first one to take the step. I couldn’t humiliate myself further. She had to understand that. The reason that I did what I did is because I thought we wanted each other. Once school started, things became a little easier. We kept on walking to school together, but Yuzu spent most of her time with Taniguchi and I was busy with the student council and preparing for the excursion. When Himeko and Maruta-senpai asked about the Christmas party, I told them it went well. Himeko asked if Yuzu and I spent time alone. Himeko always assumes the best of me and the worst of Yuzu. After a while, she noticed that we haven’t joined Yuzu and Taniguchi for lunch for a while now.Once I realized one month has gone by since Christmas, and Yuzu and I still hadn't talked to each other, I told Himeko about it.  She was surprised. I was at my wits end. Yuzu talked more openly to Himeko even when we were on good terms, so I thought she would think of a straightforward solution. All she did was ask me if there was something she could do. That was the point. I didn't know if there was anything to be done. I was hoping for her input. I ultimately told her to forget about it.Maruta-senpai said I looked like Taniguchi-senpai when I said that the Christmas and New Years went well.It took a lot of time and effort to prepare for the school trip. I shared details with Mom over dinners whenever she was home. It was the only way to fill the void left by Yuzu’s one-line replies whenever asked about her day. I finally did it. I sucked the life and joy out of Yuzu. All it took was six months. The me from six months ago would’ve been so proud of herself.xxx
Day One
I didn’t sleep a wink and I had to supervise the excursion. The arrival of the excursion while Yuzu and I were still fighting felt sour. Himeko tried to get my mind off Yuzu and I’m sure Taniguchi tried to do the same for Yuzu. I think Himeko would have stopped trying had I told her that not only do Yuzu and I sleep in the same room, but also in the same bed. Ultimately, all her efforts are futile. Yuzu is on my mind every second of the day. Whenever I revert to my old self and start forming dark thoughts about her, I get Anthoniko out and they all vanish.I feel ridiculous when I hold him and stare at him, but he comforts me. When she dropped him in the hallway, I tried to fix him for her, because I thought he was adorable and it would be a shame if she threw him away. She fixed him herself and gave him to me saying “Meet your new mama”. I thought we had found one thing in common. It felt precious. I was starting to accept her as my sister. I think it was one of the moments where Yuzu made a dent in my facade. I kept on carrying Anthoniko to school with me for no apparent reason, but in retrospect, I cherished him. He symbolizes the bond that has formed between us, especially after the events with my father. When Matsuri got the best of me, he reminded me that Yuzu loved me. Now he serves as an anchor for my feelings. What I feel for Yuzu might not be pure, but it’s real. I came to accept that I cherish her in a twisted way. My twistedness constantly threatens to turn into hatred when the anger and the humiliation of that night comes back to haunt me. I don’t want to hate her. Indifference is one thing, but hating her means that I’ll try to hurt her. I don’t want to do that ever again. Not after all she has done for me. Yuzu was still asleep when Mom and I were having breakfast. “If you don’t make up by the time the trip is over...” Mom said flatly, “I will arrange for your Dad to come back for a few days. I don’t care why you’re fighting anymore.”This is it. The truth about Yuzu and me is bound to come to light. Mom and Dad will probably get a divorce for what I did to her. Yuzu and I will never see each other again… This trip might be my last chance to know how she feels about me. I will have some closure after that, no matter what her answer is.“I can’t even call you to check up on you,” Mom complains. “I still can’t see what your school has against phones, especially on a trip.”“We allowed periods of time when students are free to use their phones during the trip.”“Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?”“What difference would that have made?”“It’s the perfect chance to get you your own phone.” Mom tried to persuade me to have my own phone ever since the aftermath of Amemiya-sensei’s dismissal, but I declined. It was uncomfortable to explain that my phone and all my conversations would probably be checked in the event I get a new fiance. Three years ago there was a scandal where a girl from our academy had a boyfriend despite having a fiance. Her phone was discovered to have indecent photos of her. It is the underlying reason why phones were banned on the school premises. I was too young to understand when Dad started having a disagreement with grandfather about how the school was run. I came to understand that he believed that our school was nothing but a grooming ground for future wives of the wealthy. My birth mother was an Aihara-academy graduate herself. I wonder if he told her how he felt. What did she think about it if he did?Come to think of it, why did mom, dad, and grandfather agree to have Yuzu attend our school? Mom said she had already met grandfather, but she didn’t say anything about the conversation they had. She tells me to tell her everything while being secretive herself. Dad says he talks to Grandfather all the time. I don’t mean to doubt him but I’m not sure whether that’s true. And lastly, Grandfather is probably to thank for the teachers turning a blind eye to Yuzu. I do have my part in protecting Yuzu from the scrutiny, but the teachers are out of my area of influence. Himeko said she heard Yuzu is being referred to as “the illegitimate daughter of the Aiharas”.  Something tells me it's not the students who came up with that title. At first, I didn’t expect Mom to understand these kind of things, but I’m starting to feel that she knows more than she lets on. How much does she know of what has been going on between me and Yuzu? Did she notice the phone in my hand the day before Christmas?I reach in my bag and squeeze Anthoniko. I’m starting to get paranoid. “Alright.” Mom says, “Time for me to go. Have a safe trip. Give Yuzu a kiss for me. I’ll tell her that I want pictures of you AND her. Try to spend time together when she’s able to use her phone so that I could talk to both of you.” “I have to-...”“I know you’re busy. Just try to… For me. Please.”“Alright.”She grabs her bag and goes out. Yuzu should have woken up by now. I need to leave early to supervise the procedures.As I was putting on my shoes,  I heard her phone alarm go off. I linger by the door.As she did not get out of the room I went back inside and knocked rather loudly on the door of our room. No reply. Is she trying to find an excuse not to go to the execursion?My negative thoughts again. I take Anthoniko out of my bag and put him in my pocket. I go in. “Yuzu,” I say, while not mustering the courage to nudge her. I haven’t touched her since Christmas. “You need to wake up,” I pull at the bedsheet under her. “Wake up.” Nothing. Is she faking? I squeeze Anthoniko through my pocket.“Yuzu…” my voice breaks, ”I worked so hard on this excursion, please wake up…”My tears started flowing. I get out of there as fast as I could.I wanted her to enjoy the excursion. I worked hard hoping we’d talk to each other before today. How will she even enjoy it? Maybe she doesn’t want to come and she’s faking being asleep. Maybe it’s better if she doesn’t come. I managed to calm down before going out of the building. When I arrived at school, Himeko and the others were already handling my share of the work. They don’t need me either. The roll call was made. Yuzu wasn’t there. The teacher asked if anyone could contact her, but before I had the chance her friend Taniguchi came forward and said Yuzu was joining us at the station or at the Hotel at the latest.At the station, I scoured the vicinity of the platform where she is supposed to join us. Yuzu wasn’t in sight. There were other student groups from other schools, therefore the station was more crowded than usual. I decided that going back to the platform was the best course of action for the time being. On my way back, I spotted two foreigner girls who seemed to be lost. I directed them to where they needed to go.  Yuzu didn’t make it and we had to leave without her. Himeko tried her best to keep my mind off Yuzu by coming up with random trivia about Kyoto. All it did was make me wonder if Yuzu was interested in historical sites. I knew so little about Yuzu’s interests. What in the world made me think Yuzu would be interested in me?I take Anthoniko out of my pocket and clutch him with all my might. “Oh my God, it’s so cute!” Himeko says, desperate to find another subject to pass the time. “Let me guess. Is this Kumagorou, the teddy your Dad brought when he came back?”“It’s Anthoniko,” I say. “Yuzu gave it to me.”“Oh…” she contemplates my hand for a second. “Mei-mei, if it makes you this sad… Why don’t you talk to her about it.” It’s the first time Himeko said something like that.“What should I say?” I ask.“Whatever is on your mind... “ she says. “I may not approve of her, but she cherishes you. That much I know.”“Himeko… What happened between you and her was a-...” I try to say misunderstanding but it means I’d be denying Yuzu has feelings for me.“If you can’t say what’s on your mind, how about you ask her what’s on hers?”“I suppose I could do that…”I’m afraid to know. Yuzu probably did her hardest to move on after I rejected her when we were studying for exams, and I selfishly brought those feelings to the surface. She might even resent me for going back on my words. I tighten my grip on Anthoniko. “Let’s stop talking about her…”“As you wish…” Himeko says.Those were her last words until we arrived.  Himeko asked Taniguchi what train Yuzu had boarded. Himeko and I waited for her. Mineko-sensei asked us to tell her to go see her right away as soon as she arrived.While waiting, I ran into the girls I helped at the station. It turned out that their school used the same hotel as ours. Their names are Sara and Nina Tachibana. Half-Japanese, like Yuzu. They were twins. I would have never guessed. Nina was taller than Sara by thirty centimeters give or take. An intrusive thought passes through my mind: Would the dynamics between Yuzu and me have been any different, had she been as tall as Nina? Sara vehemently thanked me for telling her my name and said she hoped to run into me again. Her mannerisms reminded me of Yuzu. By the time I bid them goodbye, Yuzu has arrived and was already in the middle of being lectured. I respect Mineko-sensei but I think she could have let her rest first and talked to her in the morning. Yuzu would have been in a better state to register her sanctions. Upon noticing me, Yuzu’s attention turns to me. My heart ached. When was the last time she looked me in the eye? I decided to retire to my assigned room as I wouldn’t be able to talk to her. She arrived safely, that’s all I needed to know. Himeko and Mineko-sensei have the reprimands covered.“Aihara Yuzu! Are you even listening to me?” I hear Himeko’s voice from the other end of the hallway, briefly followed by “Hey! I’m not done lecturing you.”“Mei!” Yuzu grips my wrist. “We need to talk! Alone!”What is up with her? Two months. She had two months over which she could have talked to me, but she chooses now…
“If you can’t say what’s on your mind, how about you ask her what’s on hers?”
I decide to put Himeko’s word to the test. “Hold on.” I go back to Mineko-sensei and Himeko. “I will take it from here. It is possible that I was responsible for her tardiness. I will keep you updated.”“Aihara-san, I find that hard to believe.” Mineko-sensei.“Please allow me to hear her out. It is a personal matter.”“It is unusual for you to vouch for someone. Your grandfather regards her highly as well. I fail to see why. I think it is beneath an educator of the Aihara academy to give rumors credibility. If those rumors become fact, it will not change how I regard her, but it will certainly change how I regard your father.”“I do not know what you are referring to.”“Maybe you should ask Momokino-san. I am sure she’s more acclimated to the gossip surrounding her, your father and the mysterious mother no one has ever seen. This is the last time I let you or your grandfather interfere with my duties as a disciplinarian. I expect the logs in my room by 9 p.m. You only have to add one name.”With that, she and Himeko went upstairs. I go back to Yuzu and take her outside.“Hurry up,” I say. “It’s cold out here…”“Yes… So um… Why didn’t you wake me up this morning?” she asks. “I mean we always walk to school together.”“You never overslept before and it’s not my responsibility to wake you up.”“That’s true but-...”I’m not spending my first proper conversation with her in weeks talking about this. “Is that all you wanted to talk about?” I interrupt her.“No… I thought we should talk about what happened last Christmas.”My chest tightens.“The things you said…” she goes on. “Made me really happy, but I... I thought it wasn’t right to feel that way since we’re sisters.”What? I submitted to Matsuri and resolved to get over that dilemma and that’s what she broods about. I disregarded my position and my doubts just to see my feelings for her through. I… I… “Can I ask you one thing?” I grit my teeth and put Himeko’s advice to the test. “What are your feelings for me?”“Eh?” She looks at me, dumbfounded. She collects herself. “I… I… I do love you, Mei. As sisters, as family. I feel it’s my job to look after you… So…”Her job ! Amemiya, grandfather, father… Everything was her job? It is my fault for misinterpreting her actions and I was the one who confused her with that kiss and I-... Her JOB?!! I look after her too but it’s not because I have too, it’s because I-...The way we kissed after Dad left was-… My God! If I stay here any longer I will cry and I WON’T let her see me cry ever again.“I’m sorry,” I say, trying my best to keep my voice from trembling. “Just forget what happened that night.”I go in and head to my room. I will request to go back to Grandfather’s as soon as we go back home. I hope Mom will forgive me.“Mei!” She calls out to me. I quicken my step.I close the door behind me. I take Anthoniko out of my pocket. “Were you part of her job too?” I fling it at the wall. I sit down and let myself cry.  After a while, I remembered Himeko was going to come in. I collect myself and change out of my uniform and go to bed without brushing my teeth.“Oh, Mei-mei, you’re here…” Himeko comes in. “Oh you dropped Anthoniko. Gosh, its head is nearly torn away… How did your conversation go?”I don’t answer. I pretend I’m sleeping. Not hearing an answer Himeko prepares herself to go to bed. After brushing her teeth and taking a shower she sat at her bed doing something.“Here, all fixed.” she puts Anthoniko near my pillow and sits on my bed. “You’re asleep, I hope you won’t mind if I think out loud. Since you won’t tell me what’s going on, there is no way that I could figure it out on my own. That girl has brought down all the barriers you put up since your father left when we were eleven. She did in six months what I couldn’t do in five and a half years. I think the difference between us is that she acts with a complete disregard for your feelings. Meanwhile, I kept avoiding to hurt you and act as your ideal friend. Whatever happened between you two on Christmas, there’s one thing I’m sure of: that girl can be clumsy but I have no doubt she cherishes you.” She pats my head. “Goodnight.”Once she went to bed, I reach out for Antoniko and hug him close to my heart.xxxI am exhausted. All I want is to go to our room, make love to Yuzu and sleep.As I push the door, I find her sitting on our bed, waiting for me. She looked at me, concern in her eyes but none of the usual gleam that only her eyes had.“Are you okay?” She asks.“Just tired,” I reply.She was wearing a tank top and grey shorts. She looked tired too.I climb on our bed and crawl behind her. I kiss her bicep, her shoulder, her cheek, then rub my cheekbone on her shoulder blade. I hug her and ask “May I?”“Yes,” she says. I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her close. I put my lips on the top of her back. I didn’t brush her hair away. I love how she smells. Three of my five senses are already full of Yuzu. Soon I’ll be tasting her and hearing her too.Once I got my fill of her fragrance, I start kissing her neck through the golden locks of her hair.“I love you,” I say.She doesn’t reply. I gently get her to lie down. She looked away from me. I kiss her on the mouth. She doesn’t kiss me back. I pulled away.“What’s going on?” I ask her. “You want this, don’t you?”“Mei, I only kissed you once. I was upset and I apologized for it. You’re the one who kept kissing me whenever you felt like it.”  “No, I-...”“Mei, I’m sorry. I was just trying to understand you as your sister. That’s why I asked what  that kiss meant. Plus, I’m interested in boys, like Harumin and Matsuri. Maybe you should ask Himeko to do these things. She loves you, doesn’t she? Don’t make me slap you again.”“Yuzu…I-...”“I think it’s time we tell Mom and Dad about this. Grandfather, too. I tried to help you, I really did.”  “Please, Yuzu… No... I swear I will never try to-…”“How many times are you going to tell yourself that? Matsuri was right about you. Harumin too.”“Mei, are you there?” Dad’s voice comes from behind the door.I froze in terror. Yuzu got up from the bed.  “Yuzu, no!” I whisper. “Sorry,” Yuzu said. “Give me the keys.”“What? You don’t need the key to open from the inside”“Give me the keys.” “Yuzu?” Mom’s voice sounds concerned.“Mom!” Yuzu screams. “She’s raping me!”“No, I’m not!” I protest.Dad broke down the door.Yuzu was underneath me. We were both naked. She had tears in her eyes, scratches, bruises and bite marks all over her body. Mom pushes me from atop of Yuzu. Dad wraps her in a blanket.“I trusted you with her!” Mom says through her tears.“You’re no daughter of mine” Dad looked at me with disdain, while he hugged Yuzu. “I swear, I don’t know how we got there… We were both wearing clothes just now…”“Do you think that’s how the Aihara heir should behave?” Grandfather asks. I’m standing, naked, in the center of the board room, with all the members staring at me.Matsuri is showing her phone to everyone: “Yuzu is not the only one. She assaulted me too. And look at all these texts she was sending a man old enough to be her father. A certified slut, that’s what she is. ”  Mother, Father’s ex-wife, was near the exit.“Mommy, I swear! I didn’t do anything!” I say, trying my best to cover myself up with my hands. “You’re no daughter of mine...” She says, gets out and closes the door behind her. xxx  Day Two I woke up at six with tears in my eyes. It was the fourth dream I had about Yuzu, but the first one she spoke in…. I don’t want to think about it…. I didn’t want to go out today but I dragged myself out of bed. Himeko invited me to go with her to the Yasaka shrine, but I declined saying that I wanted to be alone. I felt guilty as Himeko and I didn’t have other friends apart from each other. “I’m sorry,” she said, although I was the one who needed to apologize. “I’ll be with Taniguchi-san and Yuzu if you need me”Apparently, I was the only one that didn’t have other friends.It rained when we were at the shrine. As I distanced myself from the rest of the students I end up taking shelter in a different side of the shrine.I stand up, listening to the soothing sound of the rain. “Ah, there you are!” A voice pulls me out of my reverie. It’s Nina. “Everyone else is on the other side of the shrine. I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Mei, aren’t you tying an enmusubi (love knot)?”Why would she look for me? “I just don’t believe in things like fate and wishes,” I humor her. Furthermore, Yuzu made her feelings clear yesterday and the nightmare I had… “Oh… It’s just that my big sis likes you, Mei. Since you’re not tying an enmusubi with anyone, will you tie one with her?”Her older sister? She met me only once. Plus, I’m done with the subject of love altogether.“I’m very flattered but I’m not interested”“Awww! That’s too bad, but I understand,” she got too close to me. ''by that, I mean the thing you want, Mei.” She runs through the rain while waving “Think it over! Byeeeee!”What is she on about? We barely know each other. Well, after meeting Mom, I came to believe there are people who can see through others easily, but even she couldn’t see why Yuzu and I weren’t talking.    “Nina! Where’d you go?” This time it’s Sara. She has an umbrella, she is evidently looking for her sister. She gets flustered upon noticing me. “Ah... Mei? Um, I got a text from my little sis saying she was here… Have you seen her?”“Yes, I did,” I say. “She was here just a minute ago, but she ran off in the rain.”“What? Uh...” She turns her attention to me. “Sometimes destiny needs a little push. Umm, I, uh… Mei, I… I like you. I fell in love with you from the moment we met at the train station! I know since we’re both girls, this might be a bit strange, but I’m not playing around. I’m serious about this.”
“I do love you, Mei. As sisters, as family. I feel it’s my job to look after you…”
“Sara…” I say, “Would you say that you need me?”It must sound strange, but I made that mistake once. “Of course!” She smiled “Of course, I need you! I’m crazy about you!”I can’t believe this, she didn’t even hesitate. I know the situations aren’t comparable but I got slapped when I asked Yuzu the same thing. I do not believe in destiny but yesterday’s dream might have been a premonition. It’s high time I put my twisted unrequited feelings for Yuzu to rest. “Sara… I am not as good a person as you may think.”“I’m not either, but that’s what love is about: accepting each other’s flaws.”“I see... Sara, If you’re alright with me, I’ll be in your care.”“Really? I’ll be in your care too. So… Do you want to go on a date tomorrow? Both our schools have free time, right?”“Alright… Then should we meet at Kyoto station?” “Works for me. Can I hug you?”“I suppose it’s something lovers do.”She let go of her umbrella and jumped towards me. I can feel her heart beating fast. She let go of me, grabbed her umbrella and ran after her sister. “See you tomorrow!”Just like that, I was dating someone. xxx When I met with Himeko she said that Yuzu wanted to see me.I met with Yuzu at the lobby.  “Curfew is close, so try to keep it short” I’m amazed at how calm I am. No matter what Yuzu had to say, I’m in control. “Sure,” she says. ”Uh, well… About yesterday when I said that I want to look after you because we’re family, I really mean it… but I… Mei, I… Li-Like… Sorry give me a sec! Let me start again.”Compared to her, Sara spelled out things from the start.   “Yuzu,” I say, “I also have something to share with you. Today someone told me they liked me.”“Wha...?”“I have decided to go out with that person.” “But-...”She has no right to protest. She rejected me. I, at least, have spared her of having to spell out her feelings just to have them trampled. I noticed the Omamori (love charms) in her hands… It was obvious what she was trying to do.No. It was not. I made that mistake once. When will I stop? “Goodnight”“Go-Goodnight”I leave her in the lobby. I go to my room. Himeko was feeling blue. Her plan with the shrine went awry since it rained.“How was your day?” I ask.“Yuzu and Taniguchi are both so annoying!” she says “Taniguchi knows a lot about history, though. She said she’d guide the four of us tomorrow.”“About that… I have a date tomorrow. Somebody confessed to me, and I accepted.”She smiled. “So, Aihara Yuzu finally did it?”“What makes you think it’s Yuzu?”“Um… I-...”“We’re sisters!” “It’s just with the way you were depressed about her and-…”  “Because she’s my sister.”“Mei-mei…”“You and her have been bickering for way too long. No wonder you misunderstood each other.”“I’m sorry…”This is bad. I thought that secret would be resolved by being in a relationship, but since Himeko suspects things, it is far from over. She got the best of Yuzu once. She can do it again. “Himeko, I need you to understand this,” I put as much emphasis as I can on each word. “Yuzu and I cherish each other as SISTERS, as family. It’s our job to look after each other and we take it as seriously as we can. Got that?”“Got it.”“Prepare for the bath, other students must be done by the time we’re ready.”“Alright. Mei-mei, I’m sorry.”“As long as you understand.”“Welcome back.”“Huh?”“You’re back to being your old self. It makes me feel a little lonely but I’m glad you resolved things.”“Thank you… Himeko, I’ve been adding to your workload these days. Why don’t you go take a bath with the rest of the students? I will take care of the logbook.”“Mei-mei, being of use to you made me happy, so-...”“I insist.”She looked sad, but she got her things and went out. I do the patrol while thinking of what we’d tell Mom. Did Yuzu and I make up or not? We’re talking again. It won’t matter anyways since I’m going back to grandfather’s. I didn’t find Yuzu in her room. Her friend said she went to the bathroom and that she’d be there for long because she ate too much and had to empty her stomach so she was going to be there for a while. Taniguchi and I never spoke but when we did she said something ridiculous. All the rooms had an en-suite bathroom. Her lie was easy to crack. Yuzu might have told her she’d be late just because she wanted to cry alone somewhere... Should I check up on her? I would probably just make matters worse. I add her name to the logbook.I went to the bath when Himeko came back. It was the first time I relaxed in months. Sara… She seems as gentle as Yuzu. She’s cute, too. Her sister is more on the beautiful end of the physical appeal spectrum. Yuzu is somehow both. She can also be alluring at times. Although, I’ve never seen her being graceful. I’m sure it’s only because I’ve spent too much time being around Yuzu…There she is. As I was going out. Yuzu was coming in.Apparently we no longer have trouble looking each other in the eye.“Our school’s designated time to use the bath ended fifteen minutes ago,” I say.“Then what are you doing here?” she yells.“Student council members had patrol duty, so we are allowed to go in afterwards.” As she doesn’t retort I continue with my scolding. “Your disregard for the rules will inconvenience both our school AND the establishment.”“Argh! I get It! You don’t have to spell out every little thing. I’ll hop in real quick and be right out!”She never yelled at me before, no matter how angry I made her. Does she hate me now?When I went back to our room I spent time talking to Himeko about the upcoming exams, the graduation ceremony, and the possible candidates for student council members. Himeko wondered if we would need to hold an election. I didn't think any student would put forward a candidacy, but I was prepared. “I’ll drop off the logbook at the teacher’s lounge.” Himeko picks up the logbook and goes out. “Thank you.” I finish drying my hair.  “Sorry for barging in.” I hear Yuzu’s voice.“What are you doing here?” I ask.“Uwah?! “Mei…”“You told me you were going right back to your room. So why are you here?”“I… I needed to talk to you some more…”“It’s past curfew. If you need to tell me something do it tomorrow.”I need to get Yuzu out of the room before Himeko comes back. Yuzu might say something that contradicts what I told Himeko earlier. “Please, Mei! Just listen to me!” she insists.“Go back to your room.”“No. This is important.” I know how stubborn she can be. Not only don’t I want Himeko to hear her, but also I’m afraid of what she might say. It took all my might to find a path for my heart to get away from her… “No,” I mirror her refusal. “Whatever it is, I don’t-....”We hear Himeko’s footsteps. I quickly shut the lights, pull out the covers and push Yuzu on my bed. I get in and cover both of us. “Poor Mei-mei,” Himeko says. “She must have been exhausted. Sweet dreams, Mei-mei.”She’s usually more perceptive. She must be tired herself. As soon as Himeko tucked herself in, I whisper to Yuzu “Listen, as soon as Himeko’s asleep, get out.”“Oh, okay.” she whispers back.Neither of us moves for a few minutes.Yuzu’s scent, her warmth. I missed it.She hugs my waist and presses her face against my stomach. What is with her? I don’t move. She breaths against my belly and squeezes me tighter. Why is it that a mere touch from her makes me feel like this? “Mei?” the idiot lifts the cover to look at me. A few seconds went by and she kissed me on the neck. A moan escapes me. I feel her breasts on mine and her leg is rubbing against my crotch. Her heartbeat is as quick as mine.I opened my eyes as she was about to kiss me. She had two months to do whatever she wanted with me in the safety of our own room, in our own bed. Yet, she chooses to make a move on me when there’s somebody else in the hotel room.“Get out.” I push her away.She tiptoes to the door, and lingers there for a few seconds then gets out without making a sound. I’m glad Himeko didn’t wake up.  She could have touched me anytime during those two months and I would have given myself to her. She waited until I told her that I started going out with someone else.Matsuri flashes before my eyes.I guess I’m not the only possessive person. I did the same thing, two months ago. The knowledge that she wants to own me pleases me.  Was I too hasty in accepting Sara’s confession?Would she have kissed me if I didn’t stop her? It’s been four months since we last kissed, but I still remember the feeling. I still remember her taste.  What else would she have done? It’s the first time she pressed herself against my belly. I felt her breasts on my thighs. Everything was so overwhelming. Apart from the kiss on the neck she didn’t even do anything that would qualify as sexual, yet I am aroused. Does she feel the same way? Did it feel good for her too? Her face was flushed red.Yuzu… What are you doing to me? Why do you make me feel this way?The moment I thought I have let go of you, you bring me back to obsess about you all over again.xxx
Day Three
I fought against sleep all night. I feared sleep. I didn’t want to dream of Yuzu.I spent the night plagued by thoughts of telling Sara to cancel our date. I accepted her feelings in the hope that she’d help me resolve my situation with Yuzu. The evidence of last night shows that a single touch from Yuzu is enough to cause a massive regression in my psyche.I don’t think I will be able to sleep in the same bed as Yuzu again. I’m not sure I’d resist her if she tries again. Knowing myself, I’d cheat on Sara sooner or later. Yuzu is gentle and kind, but I discovered yesterday that she has a forceful side to her too if the right triggers are pulled. In my haziness, I liked it. With my bearing collected, I didn’t dislike it. Instead of thinking how to put an end to things, I find my mind wondering about how I can bring out that side of her more. Had our roles been reversed on that couch on Christmas, we’d be celebrating our two months anniversary by now. Sara deserved better than an incestuous girl like me. She said love was about accepting each other’s flaws but I’m sure unfaithfulness is unacceptable still.    A sexual relationship between Yuzu and I, would one call that incest? We’re not related by blood. I don’t think that we would have even ventured into all of this if we had the same  biological parents. The kiss that triggered all of this, I did it because I didn’t want to accept her as a sister. Had I known I would come around to love her as a sister, I wouldn’t have done it.Yes. This is incest. I don’t care about whether the anthropologic definition of incest requires the involved parties to be related by blood or not. I’m certain I love her as a sister and I would never deny or bear anyone else claim that she is not my sister. I’m also certain that I long for her touch. Therefore, our relationship is wrong and should be stopped. We have to limit ourselves to sisterhood. Sara might be my salvation. I should nurture my relationship with her instead of clinging to a twisted love that has no future. Ultimately, whoever I go out with, we’d have to separate when I get married. I wanted to see my feelings through, and my judgement was clouded by that ambition. I would have broken Yuzu’s heart eventually, so cutting our feelings for each other at the root is the best course of action.As I was preparing myself for the date, Himeko came to me with perfume. “Use this” she says. “Good luck on your date. Tell me all about it on the trip back home, alright?”“Sure,” I say. “I’ll go meet Yuzu and Taniguchi in the lobby. That way I’ll make sure they stay out of trouble.” “Are you sure you’ll be alright?”“Don’t worry about me, Mei-mei. Just have fun on your date, okay?” She goes out.I recall the way Yuzu uses perfume on herself. I correct my thoughts from yesterday in the bath. Yuzu looks gracious when she takes care of her appearance. Anthoniko is looking at me.“I’m sorry,” I tell him. “I’m not taking you today, I’m sure you understand.” I tuck him in on my bed. “I’ll tell you all about it later.”I’m sure even Yuzu would think I’m ridiculous if she catches me talking to my teddy bears. What would Sara think?I go out of our room, but I feel wrong. I’ve been carrying Yuzu-… I mean Anthoniko since I left home. My pocket uncomfortably felt empty. He watched over me throughout my journey. It feels wrong to leave him behind.  I go back and put him in my pocket. I met Sara at Kyoto station. She wasn’t all smiles as she was yesterday. Was she nervous? Did she reconsider?After greetings and some idle chat about her sister and our respective schools, we decided to go to the Kyoto tower. We went up to the observatory. Sara didn’t say much.Looking at the horizon made me feel at ease. As I look into infinity, I realize how small my worries are.“Ah sorry,” I realize I wasn’t being a considerate date, “I was lost in my own world.”“No, no! It’s fine!” she says. I noticed she was clenching what looked like a student book from our school. “Sara?” I try to ask her about it.“Hey, Mei!” she interrupts me. “Can I kiss you?”Of course, I knew that was coming. I am her girlfriend after all. “Alright.”I stoop down to kiss her. As I close my eyes I see Yuzu’s face from last night. I stop. “Sorry, I can’t…” Tears well up and I can’t stop them.“I knew it…” Sara says. “You’re thinking of someone else.”“Sara… Would you listen to my story?”She hugged me. “Of course, I’m still your girlfriend for now…”“I have a crush on a girl. It’s been six months since we met each other. It took time but we finally grew close. I thought she liked me back but she rejected me over Christmas… She’s hardly spoken to me for two months. She tried to talk to me yesterday but I’m too afraid to listen to her. I don’t know what to think anymore.”“Would you believe it if I told you that this is the second time I’m hearing this story?”“Huh?”“The girl you’re talking about,” she lets go of me and opens the student book. It was Yuzu’s. “It’s her isn’t it?” “Yes…”“I’m afraid we can’t be girlfriends anymore. I will be rooting for you two as your friend, though.”“What?”“Yuzu is my precious friend. I believe it is my fate to bring you two together.”“Sara, no. I want to let go of her. Just be patient with me. I swear, I will get over her.”“Is that what you want?”“Yes.”“Then, go wait for me at the Yasaka shrine. We’ll tie an enmusubi together when I get there.”“Why don’t we go together?”“I have to take care of something first” The situation doesn’t bode well with me but I accept. As I walk to the shrine, I think of Yuzu. I never considered asking her what she wanted or what she needed. I forced my ideals on her. She looked after me, and my answer was what I did at Christmas. It was rash behavior no matter how I look at it. A part of me will always think that it’s wrong for us to desire each other. Is it the same for her? Did I scare her that night? I think part of the reason why I didn’t hate her for rejecting me is because I understand how she felt... She’s been trying to get her feelings across over the last few days. I’m afraid to hear her out… The burden of accepting would lie upon my shoulders. I selfishly wanted her to take that responsibility… “Mei!” Yuzu calls out to me“Yuzu…” Surprised to see her, I ask her, “Why are you here?”“I just want one more chance to tell you how I feel, and this time I’ll do it clearly.”I start walking away.“I have nothing more to discuss with you.” I’m trying to get out, not go back to that vicious cycle.“Hey!! Wait a minute, Mei!!” She yells “I’m not playing around, I really need to talk to you”  I hear her footsteps quickening. I do the same.“Mei!! Mei, I…” her sentences get interrupted by her breath as she starts to run after me “I don’t get you at all!!”
“That girl has brought down all the barriers you put since your father left when we were eleven. She did in six months what I couldn’t do in five and a half years. I think the difference between us is that she acts with a complete disregard for your feelings.” 
I start running away. Literally. She’s more athletic than I am. She’ll catch up to me if I don’t try my best.“You’re the one who pushed me down and kissed me the first day we met!” Yuzu doesn’t let the fact that we’re running dissuade her from speaking her mind.You did the same thing to me in the chairman’s office.“You hugged me out of the blue.”You cried for me. “Just when I think you like me, you go back to being a stone-cold bitch!”You rejected me when I offered myself to you.“I never know what I’m going to get with you!” I never know what I’m going to get with you!   “Don’t you feel the same way about me?!”I do, but-...Before I knew it, she was tackling me to the ground…She was on top of me. We spend a good minute catching our breaths. “During Christmas break…” she says through her ragged breath, “Mei, my heart was pounding. I was so happy, but I didn’t pay attention to your feelings. I couldn’t reciprocate them. When I pushed you away after Dad came home, I regretted it. I really did. No matter how much I beat myself up over it, it didn’t solve anything! Mei, I don’t wanna feel that way again!”I try to get up but she sits on my legs.“I love you, Mei.” she looks deep into my soul. ”And these feelings will never betray you. So, Mei, if you feel the same way..." she closes her eyes and offers her lips to me. “Please, kiss me.”     My heart is beating so fast, it feels it’s going to fly out of my chest. I reach for her… A love that would never betray me… This is exactly why I wanted her to accept my feelings instead. I can’t reciprocate that… I don’t want to feel lost either…My feelings for her… I love her.. I do… I really do… I don’t have the confidence to say I won’t betray her…My hand reached for Anthoniko instinctively…He didn’t leave my side since the day she gave him to me, even when I tried to leave him behind. I don’t think there is a more profound proof of my feelings for her…I grab him and put his mouth on hers. I make a kissing sound.This is embarrassing. I long for her yet I can't muster the courage to manage a proper kiss.“Thanks,” she casts Anthoniko aside, “but I want another one. A real one this time.”She kissed me. I love her.She’s all I need.I don’t know how long we maintained that kiss, but I know neither of us wanted to let go.I get up and pat my clothes. “Is it safe to say that you like me too?” She asks, sitting on the ground still.Do I have to spell everything out? “I won’t know for sure unless we try going out,” I say.“Jeez, Mei, why do you have to be so cold?”Because I’m a stone-cold bitch. She did call me that. Is it within my rights as the girlfriend to get upset? I’ll let it slide this time... “Wait!!” She shouts “Did you just say go out just now? Did you? Hey! Mei! Wait up!”I did spell it out but there is no way in hell or earth I’m gonna repeat it.“Mom asked you to send her photos of us together, right?”“Yes, she did.”“Let’s.”She hugged me and took a photo of the two of us.“First picture as girlfriends!” She announced.“Let us go apologize to Sara. We caused her a lot of trouble” “Yeah, let’s.”Yuzu called her on her phone. She said they were at Kyoto station as their train back home was scheduled to leave in an hour. We walk side by side. “So, Mei,” Yuzu says “Valentines has already passed, but would you still accept a chocolate from me?”“As long as you accept one from me too.”“Alright, I’m gonna make you the best chocolate there is!”“Let’s make them together. Also, from now on, let’s cook together.”“Gotcha!”“That means, no more going out after school. I’m requesting it as the girlfriend.”“Mei, are you going to use that often?”“As often as necessary.”“God… Oh! That means I can use it too!”“Alright,” I’m terrified of what she’s thinking “Let’s not use it then.”“Aww... ”“What did you have in mind?”“I’m not saying.”“Then don’t.”“Jeez! You’re no fun!”I’m having fun, though. Our bond has morphed into something new, and I’m looking forward to seeing where it would take us. I can finally call Yuzu mine, and myself, hers.At the station, as soon as we greeted Sara and Nina, Yuzu tried to apologize to both of them. Nina picked her up and took her away. “That was kinda mean to Yuzu,” Sara says, “but I wanted to talk to you alone. Is that okay with you? So did you two finally hash things out?”“I’m so sorry.” I bow deeply.“Woah, what’s this?”“You’ve given me so much,” I say without lifting my head, ”and I couldn’t give you anything in return. Please tell me how I can repay you.”“Mei!” she yelled. “Don’t make such an offer! I know you’re just trying to make things right but if you’re not happy, I definitely won’t be happy. You need to be a little more selfish.”If I can be selfish then I-... “I don’t want to lose you as a friend.” I say.“Alright.” she giggled. “Fine, in order to clear your conscience, maybe I’ll ask for one thing. Hold hands with Yuzu as you walk back to the hotel! Hee Hee!” We joined Nina and Yuzu near the platform. The four of us said our goodbyes, hoping we would meet again. There are now five people that know of Yuzu and I. Six if we count Himeko. I think I will tell her about it. She has helped me so much. Furthermore, there is a chance she wasn’t asleep yesterday. As soon as Nina and Sara left, I grabbed Yuzu’s hand. “Eyeaah! Mei?” She‘s surprised.“Let’s walk back to the hotel together,” I say, putting my all into keeping a straight face.“Like this? Ahh, are you sure? It’s winter but your hand is so warm...”“Shut up and walk.”I’m already failing as a girlfriend. I could’ve said something sweet. We walk hand in hand, in silence. I could use Yuzu’s idle chat, right now. Why did Sara ask me to do this? “Hey, Mei,” Yuzu decides to speak when we arrived at an intersection. “Let’s go tie an enmensubi.”“It’s getting late,” I say. “We should have done that when we were at the shrine.”“You didn’t refuse!” Yuzu gasps. “Alright, let’s do it when we come back next year for our anniversary!”It moves me that she already wants to stay by my side for a whole year.   At the hotel, Himeko and Taniguchi were at the lobby together, going through their pictures. Taniguchi made fun of Himeko. Himeko was too tired to retort. Poor her, she has such a low stamina. As soon as Taniguchi spotted Yuzu, she ran to her and hugged her. “You look happy!” she said.Himeko held my hands and said: “You look happy too. I take it things went well on your date.”“They did,” I say.Yuzu smiled then immediately changed the subject:  “Show us the pictures!”Taniguchi took Himeko her to all the historic sites. With each photo Himeko grew paler while Taniguchi seemed to have more fun. Taniguchi was more athletic than all of us, and frankly has a better figure than mine. Does Yuzu look at her when they change? I can ask her not to that as the girlfriend, can’t I? What is within my rights? I have to be really careful. I want Yuzu to like me, not hate me because I told her not to hang out with her best friend. Perhaps I could ask to tag along… Yuzu is much more beautiful than her, though. Taniguchi and Yuzu went to their room and we went to ours. Yuzu and I promised each other to share the same train compartment on our way home. I wanted to kiss her before she went. In our hotel room, I told Himeko all the details of my date. From meeting Sara to holding hands with Yuzu on our way back. It felt right to tell her. I don't know what I’ll be sharing with her in the future, but the whole Matsuri episode and the horrible things I did to Yuzu, I will take them with me to my grave.Himeko didn’t interrupt me. She just listened to what I said, with tears in her eyes.“Yuzu is my lover, now” I conclude. “I’m sorry Himeko…”“Why?” She asks. “For everything. For lying to you. For not listening to your feelings… The reason I was so depressed, is because Yuzu rejected me over Christmas. I know how you must havefelt now… I know how Matsuri, Yuzu’s childhood friend, felt too…”“Mei-mei, I decided to support you since the day I knew you looked at her the way I always wanted you to look at me. Don’t feel guilty. Treasure your feelings. I will destroy her if she hurts, though. In hindsight, she HAS already hurt you! Grrr! But if I hurt her now, you will be hurt too, so there’s no helping it. I will just do my best to protect both you and your lover.”“We’ll be in your care… When did you notice that I had feelings for her?”“At first, I just thought you were trying to prevent her for sullying the Aihara’s name with her behavior… But something changed after she took you on that bike.”  “That night, she cried for me… I tried to comfort her… I don’t know how it happened but we kissed… I think that’s when I started to see her as a… potential lover. We have kissed before, me and her I, five times in fact: The first four kisses happened because we kept on getting on each other’s nerves, but one of them was a peace treaty. But that fifth one felt different, as it had actual feelings in it. We both felt it from the moment our lips touched.” “Mei-mei, are you telling me that when she kissed you today, it was your sixth one?”“Yes…”“When was your first kiss?” “The first night I spent with her. I was the one who kissed her. I’m sure you saw the one in the chairman’s office. That one was engendered by mine.”“God! I lost before I even started competing! Mei-mei… I can’t believe I’m saying this but, from now on, when somebody pisses you off, hit them!”  I think of Matsuri. I chase her away from my thoughts. “I have one last question,” I say “Last night… When you went to bed…”“I didn’t hear anything...” Himeko preemptively denies. “I have not  asked anything yet.”She’s blushing. I’m sure I am too… So that’s a part we can’t discuss.“I’m sorry,” I say.“It’s alright...” She says.What would Yuzu do if she was in my place? I stand up and hug her, and say: “Thank you for everything…”We both cry for a while.xxxAfter buying souvenirs, and going through the roll call. Yuzu, Himeko, Taniguchi and I got in the first available compartment. It was 10 p.m. The school expected us to sleep on the way home, so they provided us with blankets.   “Yuzu…” I say. “I think I lost my blanket.” This was not true. Himeko smiles.“Oh….Wanna share mine?” Yuzu asks.“Thank you.” If Taniguchi wasn’t here, I might have kissed her. I wonder: Did she tell Taniguchi as I did Himeko. She should have to ask for my permission first… God! I made such an obvious mistake on my first day as her girlfriend. If she told Taniguchi, then it’s alright, right? But how can I find out? I could just ask her… But what if she’s worrying about the same thing… I’ll just pretend I didn’t tell a soul. I’ll ask Himeko to stay quiet later. Yuzu lays the blanket on our knees. I take the edges and warps both of us in the blanket.“Stretch your legs on my seat,” I instruct. “I’m going to put my head on your chest. We’ll both be comfortable this way.”Yuzu turns beet red, but does as I say. “This looks fun!” Taniguchi says. “Let’s do it too vice Prez. My boobs are bigger than Yuzu’s so you’ll enjoy yourself more than Prez!”She pisses me off. “Get away from me!” Himeko yells at her! “Come on!” Taniguchi hugs Himeko.”We had a fun day together! This will wrap things perfectly!”“A fun day?! For you! You dragged me all over the place!”Yuzu laughs. I guess I’ll forgive Taniguchi this once. This is the first time I am this close to her when she laughs. “You alright?” Yuzu asks me.“Yes, you?” I reciprocate the concern, as best as I could. Yuzu takes advantage of the others being preoccupied and kisses me on the forehead. “I am now.. Goodnight.”“Goodnight,” I kiss her on the chin.I leave the other two to their own devices.I slept in the arms of my beloved. The first time of many, I hope, as long as I’m able to.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Aftermath of the school tripYuzu woke up to the vibration of her phone. She mouthed “Mom” and got out of the compartment to take the call. I check my wristwatch. About two hours before we get home. Himeko and Taniguchi were sleeping soundly across from us. Himeko must have given up on getting away from Taniguchi and was sound asleep on her lap. I should feel guilty. Himeko was stuck with Taniguchi because of me. Yet, all I l can think of right now is how I'm missing Yuzu's warmth. Yuzu knocked softly on the compartment door. As soon as I got out to see what she wanted, she handed me the phone. "Explain yourself," Mom says without greetings. "Yuzu is obviously trying to lie for your sake."Lie? About what? "I'm sorry…" Yuzu whispers. Sorry?! "Mother, I..." I try to collect my thoughts the best I can, trying to figure out what she could be furious about."One picture!" Mom interrupts me. "One Picture! That's all you took?! The two of you couldn't pretend to get along for one lousy trip! I wanted to send Shou some pictures. I swear to God, when the two of you get here, you will make up! I don't care anymore!"Then I realize what happened. Mom had asked me to tell Yuzu to take pictures of both of us, but I forgot. With everything that was going on, it was the furthest thing from my mind. Yuzu tried to cover for me."Mom," I say, "I did forget to tell her. However, that picture is the genuine article. Yuzu and I made up.""What? Really?""Didn't she tell you? I think she assumed you would deduce it from the picture itself." "Oh..." Mom's tone changed. "She didn't send it yet. I just asked her if you took pictures together and-… Oh my God, I'm so sorry!  Did you really make up?""Yes, we did."I feel Yuzu wrapping her arms around me. I let myself enjoy her embrace. "It's me who needs to apologize," I say, "Over the past two months, I was…""A complete brat! Both of you!" She lets out that insult as if she was holding it for so long. I'm sure she was. God! "I'm so happy! Put me on speaker. I will whisper..."  "She says to put her on speaker…" I try to give the phone to Yuzu, but she doesn't take it. She taps on the screen."Hello..." Yuzu whispers."I'm so sorry, Yuzu," Mom says. "I didn't think you two made up… I'm so happy! So how did it happen?""Mom," I say, "I don't think this is a topic appropriate for a phone call...""Aww…" Yuzu whined.It warms my heart that Yuzu is happy we're talking again, but I have to control her overeagerness. While I did not reject her when she hugged me,  it doesn't mean I want to stay like this until we get home. We have to go back to our seats and work on what we'd tell Mom. We can't possibly reveal that the reason we reconciled is that we're dating. We're dating.Yuzu and I standing like this in the train aisle is beyond risky. It might be alright for friends to engage in this sort of physical intimacy, and I could pass it up as her being my sister for anyone who saw us. Still, Grandfather didn't introduce Yuzu as his granddaughter to any of the staff as far as I’m aware. He never invited Mom to any social events. He might be waiting for Father to come back and introduce her himself, as his spouse. It is strange that Grandfather went out of his way to tell her to refrain from picking us from the station and that he would be sending a car for us. He didn't give me any instructions on how to behave with Yuzu and Mom, and I have no idea what sort of image he wants to maintain. Until I know more, public display of affection would expose us as sisters at the very least, which may or may not cause him problems. Nevertheless, Mineko-sensei had reason to believe Grandfather regarded Yuzu highly. The last instruction Grandfather gave me was, "do what you want, and don't worry about me." It is a troublesome directive to follow. He fathomed that my relationship with Yuzu would develop the way it did.  He is the only person I truly rely on for guidance. It never occurred to me that there would come a day when I could not consult him on what the proper course of action to take would be. "Yeah… You're right," Mom says. "I'll prepare a nice bath for you two. Anything you wanna eat?""I don’t wanna eat anything. I'm on a diet," Yuzu says. "What about you, Mei?""It doesn't look like you would need a diet," I say."Really? You think so?" I can't make out Yuzu's expression, but I can tell she is smiling from the giddiness of her voice. I didn't say anything that would warrant such a reaction."What about you, Mei-chan?" Mom asks. "Please, don't say you're fine with anything.""Something light would be nice," I say. "We have to go. See you at home." xxxGrandfather's car was waiting for us outside. I asked Yuzu to stay in the car until I finished supervising the students going back to their families. When I finally joined her, she was asleep in the backseat. Unlike me, Yuzu can't sleep anywhere as I do. The last time I saw her fall asleep in a sitting position was on the train back home last Christmas. She was exhausted that day from trying to make the perfect cake. Which means she's at least as spent. She probably didn't get enough sleep, with me sleeping on her chest.  I don’t know what possessed me into doing that. I could have waited until we went home.We're going home to our bed —the place I dreaded for the last two months. Now finally, we're going to sleep in each other's arms, feeling each other's warmth and taking comfort in each other's embrace. My heart starts beating fast. Part of me wants to act on the pent up longing I have for her and hold her right away. I try to collect myself before getting into the car. I sit relatively far from her. I closed my eyes to stop myself from thinking of her, but all I could picture were the things she tried to do to me in the hotel room. On the one hand, now that she's my girlfriend, I feel less guilty for viewing her in an erotic light. On the other hand, I'm uncomfortable that my imagination is going wild now that all the brakes are off.Six months ago, I never thought I'd be doing something as pointless as dating my step-sister, yet here I am. What surprises me the most is that I'm relishing it. We are both girls, and we are sisters. I know this relationship is doomed to fail. We will either realize just how different we are or split up when I meet my next fiance. Pathetic as it is, I don't want anyone to have her. I am only delaying the inevitable, but that's how I cannot help it. I was glad to learn that she did not want anyone else to have me either.  At the very least, I know that she feels the same way about me.I will give her all of me as long as I can.I nudged her up when we were about to arrive home. She slowly opened her eyelids. My heart fluttered so much that I wanted to kiss her. By the time she was fully awake, I was looking through the car window, counting road lights. This is troublesome. xxxAs promised, Mom had the bath ready when we got home. She was all smiles. I'm relieved to see her back to her usual self. She's happy that Yuzu and I are talking again, but I'm sure she won't be thrilled to know the reason why we are. I wonder how long we can keep up this relationship before she gets a whiff of it. As long as it's not too risqué, we can act affectionately to each other as much as we'd like and pass it off as siblings' skinship. Such is the asset of being both girls. Refraining from becoming complacent is vital. We need to have a clear distinction between what is suspicious and what is not. Bathing together should be acceptable. We did it once before. While I'd rather erase that day from my memory, I can be proud of how far we've come as sisters. I cannot say the same for where we are as lovers. I saw her naked before, but that was as a "sister." As a "lover," being nude to one another has other ramifications altogether. I misread her intentions before. I'm not doing it again. I will wait for her to invite me in or take the initiative herself. That way, I would be sure she is doing what she likes and that I'm not overstepping any boundaries. "I prepared changes of clothes," Mom says. "Go straight to the bath. Don't lock up. I'm following you in!"Yuzu and I give each other a look. Was she half-hoping we would be alone, too?"Why?" I say, without much reflection. I fear Yuzu would become nervous. We didn't have time to prepare our story of how events went down."I want to know every single detail of your trip, since you didn't take many pictures, and how you made up.""There is not much to say, Yuzu and I-...""What's the matter? You don't usually speak up unless you're spoken to, Mei-chan," Mom says, then looks Yuzu in the eye. "Yuzu?"I swallow my nerves. "Erm," Yuzu stammers for half a second before finding her words, "Mei and I really made up. We don't want to fight anymore. It hurts us both."Amazing! Yuzu doesn't need to lie. She just puts her genuine feelings forward.Failing to realize that is why I hurt her repeatedly. It all ends now. It does not matter whether Yuzu needs me or not. I will take care of her, comfort her, and protect her. I will be there for her. That is something "sister" and "lover" agree on. "Come' ere, both of you," Mom says and pulls both of us for a hug. "I missed seeing the two of you get along. I know the two of you love each other, but you're such idiots sometimes…"I doubt she knows how true those words are. We only realized it ourselves, after all. "Sorry," Yuzu and I say in unison."Now you make it up to me and do as I say. Shame the bathtub is too small for the three of us. You get in there, wash up, get in the tub, and call me." She lets go of us and makes her way to the kitchen. I grab Yuzu's hand. "You go in ahead; I’ll be there in a Moment."She looks at me with a worried expression. "What are we going to tell her?""I will find out what she wants to know. We'll work around that, rather than shooting in the dark."She beams. "Good idea. I'm counting on you," she says and grabs both our bags before strutting to our room.Counting on me, she says.I won't fail her. I bolster my resolve and follow Mom to the kitchen. "Mom," I call out once she crosses my line of sight. "Yes, dear?" She turns to me. "I have the impression you are doubting us.""I am.""What would it take for you to believe us.""Just humour me, okay? I've met your mother and spent enough time with you, Shou, and your Grandpa to know what a cryptic bunch you all are. You keep your cards close to your chest. Do you know who started doing that, too? Yuzu. Yuzu used to tell me every little thing that happens to her. How do you think I feel about that?""Isn't it good that Yuzu and I confide in each other? Just like real sisters..."Mom winces. I see in her eyes something I've never seen before. Her eyes reminded me of Matsuri’s when she confronted me about Yuzu."Are you perhaps…" I venture, "...jealous?""Jealous?""I'm just theorizing, but I haven't spent as much time with Yuzu as you did, and when that girl, Matsuri came out of nowhere and called her o-nee-chan, I felt... uncomfortable… It took me a while to realize it, but…""So, that's why you went to see your acquaintance instead of coming to Yuzu's Christmas party…""Huh?" It took me a second to recall the lie I came up with when she questioned us over why we were fighting. "Yes, that must be it…""Oh, my! That's so cute…""It is not. It was painful, and to be frank, I'm jealous of you.""Me?""Father is closer to you than he ever was to anyone of our family… He trusted you to take care of me. I'd wager you two have secrets you hide from Yuzu and me. Why can't we do the same? We're sisters after all, and-.." A lump forms in my throat. I'm taking away her daughter, the same way she has done with Father. She smiles, walks up to me, and wraps me in her arms. I feel small again. Just like that, I lose the upper hand. Yet, I feel more secure now that I know she regained her bearings. "We don't have to feel that way about each other," Mom says while squeezing me. "Alright, here's a secret between you and me, Okay? I've been under a lot of stress lately. Being Aihara is not easy.  I need to be at your dad's side as soon as I can. I can't leave Yuzu and you behind while you're still fighting.""I will take care of Yuzu. Please do the same with dad?""I'll make you a deal… You can keep your secrets as long as you're not lying about your reconciliation.""Thank you. Yuzu is waiting for me," I say after leaving her embrace. "Alright. I'll be there in five minutes.""I thought you-...""I still want to hear the details. Especially now that I know you've been jelly for each other. You drove me crazy. I deserve it!"I shuffle to the bathroom. I take a quick shower and get in the bathtub with Yuzu. She shows signs of getting flustered, but I clutch her shoulders. "I'm going to sit next to you and hold your hand underwater. You tell Mom what happened. Sara, Nina, all of it. Just skip everything about us being lovers. If you say something out of place, I'll squeeze your hand..."Yuzu's eyes gained focus. "Got it!" She says with determination.I sit beside her and take her hand. Yuzu leans her head on my shoulder. "I never imagined we would ever sit together like this while calling ourselves lovers," Yuzu said."Careful..." I say, begrudgingly interrupting the tender Moment. We have the night to ourselves. We can talk about our feelings once safely tucked in our bed. "Right..."Mom did take a little more than five minutes before coming in. She was pleased to see us sitting like we were."Look at you," she says. She put a bench next to the bathtub and leaned in.Yuzu recounted what happened with excruciating details and seamless censoring. I only had to speak when I detailed my time with Sara. Yuzu even told Mom how she chased me and tackled me to the ground. Mom laughed her heart out."You two are such dorks," Mom said. "I would have liked more pictures, though.""We won't have another fight, ever!" Yuzu declared and leaned on me. "Right, Mei?""We won’t," I say, not objecting to Yuzu's open display of affection as it could be categorized as sisterly."Oh, you will have a ton of fights. I guarantee it," Mom says. "It's nice to know you like each other this much. When Shou and I decided to marry each other, we were prepared for you to hate each other's guts."I don't think Yuzu is capable of hatred. "Well…" Yuzu puts the finger on her chin and says: "When we first met, I thought she was creepy, but beautiful and smelled nice.""Creepy?" I feel offended. "Isn't it creepier that you smelled me?""I can't help it! You hugged me to take away my phone! What did you think of me?""A foreign object."Yuzu blushed with frustration, and Mom laughed.What am I doing? I should be thankful all she thinks of me is "creepy when we first met.""First impressions are often misleading," I say. "Now that you brought up our first meeting. Why didn't Yuzu know about me until I showed up at your doorstep?"Mom stopped laughing."That was my fault," she says. "It was just Yuzu and me for twelve years… and… I don't know… I guess I didn't know how to handle that conversation and kept putting it off…""I see Yuzu inherited procrastination from you." "Hey!" Yuzu says."Did you start studying for the exams?""I-... Might need your help again…"Mom laughs and says: "At least now that you're not giving each other the silent treatment, you can study together!" "I am far from satisfied with that answer," I say. "Yuzu and I basically don't know anything about how you met Father or why you got married before we met. We were strangers despite being sisters for a few months. Faulting us for fighting hardly seems fair, don't you think?"I don't know what came over me. Thoughts are racing in my mind, and I can't keep up.I think I finally realized what Ume must be to Father. If he treasures her half as much as I do Yuzu, it is already too much... Ume is a grown-up Yuzu. She's beautiful, she's kind, she's... special. I thought I was the only one kept in the dark until I discovered Yuzu never saw a picture of him. I am not trying to meddle, but something about their relationship is bothersome. Father sold his old house when he married. Mom was the one left in charge, not Grandfather.I suppose I never saw them as "lovers" until I acquired a lover of my own. The thought of them being intimate is…I can't and don't want to picture my father lusting after the woman that is essentially a preview of what Yuzu will become in the future; a future where she won't be my lover. Yuzu with black hair… That would be a sight to behold.Is it within my right as her girlfriend to ask her to dye it back? She will be respecting the school rules and getting my approval.Approval. Is that what lovers seek in each other?Yuzu did a lot to be there for me and satisfy me. Meanwhile, even as I think of her, all I think of is myself... I remember reading: "You will think me cruel, very selfish, but love is always selfish; the more ardent, the more selfish."  Yuzu is the living proof that what Carmilla said is far from true…  Is Mom, the woman who raised such a beautiful and pure being, anything like her? While Yuzu's actions in that hotel room contradict everything associated with purity, I can't help believe purity is part and parcel of her. Just like how I struggled with my contradictory feelings for her, I think her impure and pure self coexist.  Why are lust and love so intrinsically intertwined?Father and Mom probably made love to each other more than a few times. She said Father needs her? I remember that word. I told Yuzu that I wanted her to need me. While I do not want to know all their secrets, I cannot bear them having too many of them. "I will call him right away," Mom says. "I know we are not exactly the perfect parents, but-... believe me, we had the best intentions..."I felt Yuzu becoming tense. I want to stop for Yuzu's sake, but I have to see this through now that I've started seeing Mom as my father's lover. As a mother, she's perfect. As a lover, she's a liar. She didn't want to tell Father about our fight to hide her "failure." She might have tried to keep him from worrying, but I can't unsee the truth behind a lover's essence. Yuzu showed it to me time and time again. She found her way into my heart because I liked her actions. I have no objections if she does what my father wants, but I'm against her trying to get credit for something she did not do. "I have a request," I say. "Tell him Yuzu and I had a fight. "Yes. Neither of us should have Father's approval; I failed as a sister, she failed as a mother.  Yuzu suffered because of both of us. We both have to make amends. As I recall how she made Yuzu cry, another wave of anger rises from within me.It is not my place to judge as a “sister,” but where do I stand as a “lover”?Perhaps all the increasingly ridiculous masquerade I'm in the process of pulling is just me trying to retaliate for my lover; against her mother, our mother.Mom only needed to look at me for a few seconds to realize I wouldn’t back down."I guess there is not much harm, now that you're not fighting anymore," Mom says. "I'm gonna go ahead and call him. I wish you did it under different circumstances, but It's nice to see you finally express yourself…"She smiles one of those benevolent smiles of hers. Yuzu smiles like that to.Mom flicks my nose and leaves. "What's gotten into you?" Yuzu asks. "I've never seen you talk this much.". "Doesn't not knowing anything  bother you?" I counter with a question of my own."As long as they're happy, that's all that counts.""How do we know they're happy?""We can ask them.""I think highly of Mom, but she hid the truth from father about our fight. How can we be sure she's not doing the same thing to us?""Over the last two months, we were miserable, but I never thought I was unhappy to be with you…" she says. I can’t find words to reply. This is Yuzu in all her splendor. What she says always pierces straight through my heart without fail. I know why I am captivated by her. I still don't understand why she chose me, but I decided not to get hung up on it anymore. My time and energy are better spent trying to be as good to her as she is to me.  I'm overwhelmed with the desire to kiss her, but I stop myself. Kissing her is something I would draw pleasure from, myself. It's selfish and hypocritical coming from me. Up until now, I initiated most of our kisses. The ones where she was the one kissing me are the ones that were filled with emotion. I will wait for her to kiss me. That way, I will be sure that I am not forcing myself on her.That dream… I don't want to see it again."Your dad's on the phone!" Mom's voice came from the other side of the door. "We're waiting for you."We've been in the bath for too long. I'm starting to have wrinkles on the tips of my fingers. We have to cut this time short. Surely Yuzu would sneak in a kiss before we exit. Yuzu rises up from the water and gets out of the bathtub."Mei…" She says. "Can I make a request?""Yes…" I say. I knew this was coming the moment we entered the bath together. This will be our first kiss since we became girlfriends. "Can I do your hair?""I suppose you can…"I can't comprehend. We are alone, in the bathroom. Unless… I see…Yuzu gets nervous easily. She perhaps wants me to be facing her to be able to kiss me without having to perform extra moves. It annoys me when people get nervous, but it is somewhat adorable when she does it. Yuzu is full of mysteries, like an exciting book in which you don't know what to expect. She single-handedly had Amemiya-sensei fired but cannot look Mineko-sensei in the eye when she scolds her. She hijacked the school’s PSA to get the point across to me but then stammered when she tried to express her feelings towards me when we were face-to-face. All or nothing. I somehow want her to face the rest of the world with confidence and only show her awkwardness only to me. We dry ourselves and put on dry clothes. After each of us squeezed the excess water out of our own hair, she wrapped hers in a towel while I started blotting mine like I usually do. Yuzu took the towel away from me and continued where I left off. Once done, she gently ran a wide-toothed comb through my hair. "Your hair is hardly tangled, Mei. I'm so jealous..." Yuzu says. There's no hint of envy in her voice, however. I am starting to consider myself an expert on that particular emotion. I remember when Himeko said she was jealous. At the time, in my anger, I thought of cutting it. Seeing Yuzu enjoying herself with it now makes me thankful I didn't. She put some leave-in conditioner on my hair, combed it, and finished up with the dryer. I loved the care she put into the simple process of drying my hair. I never fathomed she would make something so trivial so pleasurable. I could ask her to keep doing it for me from now on...As she was about to start doing her own hair, I grabbed her hand. "Let me," I say."Mine is kinda... complicated," She looks at me nervously. "With the dye and everything.""I'm a fast learner.""Alright..." She opened the cabinet and started taking out bottles one by one while naming them and explaining what they do: sulphate-free conditioner, dye to add to the conditioner, additional leave-in treatments, heat protectant...I think I overestimated myself."So which one goes first, again?" I reluctantly ask.She laughs and hugs me. "How about you watch me do my hair, and you can do the dryer at the end."Fascination replaced disappointment the longer she went on in the process of drying her hair. I did notice that some of her hairdos were very intricate, but I never imagined the daily care would be this daunting. I have a newly found respect for how good she looks every day and a little mad at her. She could be spending her time doing something more useful. I put as much care as I could into drying her hair. She seemed to enjoy my touch as I did hers.I have been so engrossed at this Moment that the sister in me forgot about the lover. There is nothing forceful about kissing her now, right?I put the dryer down, wrap my arms around her waist, and hug her, pressing my chest against her back. She freezes for a second, then relaxes. "Can I?" I ask, out of precaution. "Yes…" She says, without a hint of fear in her voice. A weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I'm not trespassing. I'm allowed in.Her freshly dried hair, Her sent. Her warmth. She's all mine. "I missed you," Yuzu says. My heart aches. I missed her too. I nuzzle her nape through her hair and hold her tight. It's not about whether she permits me or not. I've been awful to her. I can't afford to make another wrong move. When did I become this cowardly?The door to the powder room opens behind us. Mom cheerfully says, "Oh my gosh, Shou! Look!" My blood turns to ice. "Look how she's hugging her! So adorable!" She goes on, holding up her phone."I guess that means they're not fighting anymore…" Father's voice came from Mom's phone.Yuzu turns around in between my arms and hugs me back and presses her cheek to mine, "we're not!"I suppose the sisterly skinship (*)  is very permissive.

(* A/N: This word doesn’t exist in English but it is a word commonly used in Japanese-made pseudo-English, aka wasei-eigo,  to refer to physical intimacy)"Hold on, hold on!" Mom says. "I haven't said anything about them having a fight…" she turns to me. "... yet." Mom looks at her screen then says, "Oh! Shut up!""I didn't say anything," Father says."Yeah, but I know what you're thinking."Yuzu breaks out the hug and pulls me by the arm. We each stand by either side of Mom.How did Mom know what he was thinking? How close are they?"How long did you know?" Mom asks."Is it important?" Father says."Yes, and not just to me,""New year's," he says.Mom points two fingers to her temple and mimics a gunshot. Yuzu and Father laugh."How? Why?" Mom asks."You are always eager to show me how Mei and Yuzu act around each other," father says, "and yet somehow around new year's, you stopped.""As a matter of fact, they've been fighting since Christmas, so there! You're not as smart as you think.""I know, I know. I'm glad to see my two girls together."I could see Yuzu beaming on the phone screen... If Father knew what the word “together” entails for us, I doubt you'd feel that way.We all moved to the dining room. Mom prepared yakitori despite me requesting something light. We told Father about the trip but didn't give any details. He told us about his current endeavours. Mom showered him with praise as he did so. Mom complained about her work for a short stretch. Father gave her words of comfort and encouragement. Now that I started seeing them as lovers, this mundane conversation was fascinating. I don't know how or when I could replicate it with Yuzu, but I know that I should seize the opportunity when the situation arises. It's high time I started building her up instead of pushing her down. "Darling," Mom says. "Mei has a question for us, and I thought it is more appropriate to answer it together. This is going to be a long conversation, so let's all get comfortable in my room.""By all means," Father says.We did as Mom suggested after brushing our teeth and doing the dishes. "She wants to know how we met and came to get married..." Mom gets straight to the point as we made ourselves comfortable in her bed. "Ah, that question was going to come up sooner or later…Do you want me to start?" Father asks."No, let me. That's the part I was sober for.""Alright, go ahead.”Mom arched her back and stretched her arms in front of her. After a deep breath, she said, "Once upon a time in a kingdom far away; there was this young woman who just celebrated her birthday. When she blew out the few candles on the makeshift cake her co-worker brought to her, she made a wish. That wish was that she'd find a man who would love her, love her daughter. She also wished that if she met such a man, she'd be blessed with a second child so that her daughter can have a little sibling. After that, her coworkers took her to the shrine, aka the pub, where they forcefully removed the seal that prevented her from remarrying, a ring from her ex-husband. On her way home, she found a pathetic man stalking a beautiful young girl. And that, kids, is how I met your father . Man! I always wanted to say that!""You didn't have to put it that way... I'll take over before you do any more damage. Yes, I did check on you, Mei, from afar, without your knowledge. I am ashamed to admit it, but I didn't know how to face you.""Oh, my Gosh!" Yuzu sits up! "That's such a Mei-move! You two are totally alike!"I try to divert attention from Yuzu's embarrassing comment, "Father, please continue."He complies, "As your mother implied, she ran into me while I was doing that.""And by ‘that,’ he means stalking," Mom interjects playfully."Thank you, dear." Father had a mischievous smile. "She snuck up behind me and blackmailed me into marrying her.""What?! No! That's not what happened!""Two can play at this game..."Exasperated, I sigh deeply, "If you are not going to take this seriously, Yuzu and I are tired and should head to bed.""Oh my! We got scolded!” Mom says. "Alright, alright… You're no fun, Mei-chan!""I stopped your mother from calling the police, under the condition that I would explain myself," father resumes his account of the events with his usual stern voice. "We went to a nearby bar where I explained our situation. I think you should take over from here...""No way! That's too embarrassing!"Father appears to be reluctant, but he hides the meekness almost instantly and continues, "your mother, kind as she is, was upset for how I acted, but she still listened to my story. She said that she would take care of you while I find my answer. She said to hurry up and come back so that she could become a family. Her smile... And her words… long story, short: I asked her to marry me on the spot!""OMG! That's so romantic!" Yuzu says.I don't know what Yuzu's definition of romance is. Still, I think I know how Father would have been captivated by Mom in a single heart-to-heart conversation. I had something similar with Yuzu when she followed me to Grandfather's house. While I didn't necessarily become infatuated at that Moment, that was when I started thinking of her more than I should. Father probably realized his feelings sooner than I have. Perhaps it was because he is more mature than I am. Or it could be just that Father was being pragmatic.Yuzu crawls over to me and snuggles up to me. She says, "Do you realize something, Mei? You're the reason we're a family."Mom kisses the tops of our heads. "You're both the reason," she says."So, you guys didn't marry because you loved each other?" Yuzu asks, her expression turning sour. "Understanding each other is the deepest form of love…" She replies. "Well, she refused, in any case... "Father adds. "Huh?" Yuzu says. She is as confused as I am."Well," Mom smiles mischievously, "I can't marry a man who stalks his daughter, can I? And there you have it, we are not really married!"Yuzu and I tighten our grip on each other. We've become sisters. They can't just take it away from us. "Your mother is joking…" Father clarifies.  "Oh my! You should see your expressions!" Mom says through her laugh. I'm of half a mind to throw a pillow at her.Yuzu does it for me. "Ow!" Mom cries out in fake pain."That's not funny!" Yuzu snaps. "Jeez! Don't worry, your dad and I are married, but I did refuse at first. How could I marry a man I just met? We needed to get to know each other and spend time with each other. We got married two days later.""Moooom! Stop it!""She's telling the truth," Father says. "Yes, but in those two days, we had a long talk, we opened up to each other, learned a lot about each other. I had to leave soon, and therefore we could not delay our wedding."It is a lot to process. I was at the center of this haphazard arrangement, yet I never knew. I always thought I was kept in the dark because I was an afterthought. Understanding one another is crucial to loving one another. It was a two-month-long excruciating lesson for Yuzu and me. Mom and father were quicker to achieve enough understanding..."That and I had just found a handsome husband and a cute daughter without having to go get pregnant again," Mom says. "You bet I wasn't going to let him get on that plane before making things official."Yuzu laughs and lies back down next to me. She purrs as she relaxes against my shoulder. I can see that she was making herself comfortable in order to fall asleep."Let's go to our room," I suggest. "I don't wanna…" she mutters with a groggy voice. "Let's sleep here.""Now, now…" Mom intervenes. "You two go to your room.""I'm too sleepy!"My curiosity gets the better of me. Why is Mom in a hurry to kick us out? "I suppose no harm in spending the night here…" I say."Do you want me to spell it for you, girls?" Mom gives us a quizzical look. Seeing no reaction. She speaks in a sensual voice, "I'm a lonely woman, under a lot of stress in and in  dire need of attention…"Yuzu and I look at each other. She turned beet red, and I'm sure I did as well. We did not need to be told twice. We skedaddled out of there without wishing either of them good night. We entered our room together for the first time in so long. What an indescribable feeling!Yuzu throws herself on the bed. "So good to be back!" She says.I sit at my desk and start working on my report of the trip."Mei? Aren't you coming to bed?" Yuzu inquires."I will finish this and join you," I say, trying to hide my anticipation."Okay…"It took fifteen minutes to finish my report.I get up and say, "sorry for taking so lo-..."  Yuzu has fallen asleep. My heart sinks.How can I be so oblivious! I could have just cuddled with her until she fell asleep. I knew she was too tired.I tuck Anthoniko in and sit on the bed. She looks so peaceful. I am grateful for being able to look at her like this, with a warm feeling in my chest instead of the usual painful tug.I am useless at expressing romantic feelings. I never had to. The only novel I read that was remotely romantic was "Carmilla," and there is no way on earth I'd rely on it. I suppose it is time to look for a romance classic. Hopefully, my real love will take shape as I read about other people's fictional love. "Sweet dreams, Yuzu…" I whisper. I return to my desk and take out my diary. My latest entry was from the day I left Father’s old house. I tucked it away when I came to live here. My initial suspicion of Yuzu made me fear she would read it when I’m out. Before I knew it, I stopped writing in it altogether. I wish I didn’t. Keeping track of my feelings for Yuzu would have been helpful. I flip back to the page I wrote when I learned of Father’s remarriage. “ Father has remarried. 
His new wife has a daughter of her own, according to Grandfather. Grandfather told me not to concern myself with the matter. I am trying not to, but I can’t help but feel anxious. Father is selling his old house and has requested that I go live with his wife and daughter. Isn’t it pointless since I would be marrying Amemiya-sensei in two years from now? 
I wish I knew what Father is thinking. ”I think back to that time. I pictured Father's wife as somewhat similar to my biological mother and his stepdaughter as a typical Aihara High student. Never in my wildest dream would I thought they would be the polar opposites of those conceptions. I flip the pages again and read my last entry.“ I will start living with my stepmother tomorrow. I hope we will be civil to each other. Neither of us wants to be in this situation, but I am sure we can bear with each other for two years. 
I do not understand why I have to go there while Father is away, but I feel this is my last chance to patch things out with him before I’m married. I will do as he requested.

I received another letter from him today.”
Those letters… I turn to look at Yuzu and think back to how she cried out of relief after I finished reading them. I think that was the day the gears of my reasonings started slipping out of place. Perhaps it is a blessing I haven’t written in this diary for so long. I don’t think I can face how despicable I was since I started living with her. I take out the pen and flip to a blank page.“ Father and I are talking to each other again.
I cherish my new family.

I have to make amends for how poorly I behaved towards my sister.”
I close my diary and put it in my top drawer. I believe in Yuzu, so there is no need for such caution anymore. Even if she were to read it, I don’t think anything written here is uglier than the face I showed her many times. How on earth did she grow to love me? Before heading to bed, I reopen my diary and add “ and lover ” to the end of the last sentence I wrote. xxxExam PreparationYuzu was still asleep when I woke up. Waking her up with a kiss seems like a romantic gesture. I wish she’d woken before I did. I doubt she’d have missed such an opportunity to kiss me. Let’s give sleeping beauty a little nudge.Luckily, her arm is extended towards me, so it is easy for me to snuggle up to her. I slightly bump my head against her cheek to wake her. I pretend to sleep but let out a moan loud enough to aid my endeavour in waking her up while playing the part.My performance was a success on both ends. I can tell she’s woken up as she turns her head towards me and she doesn’t seem to suspect I’m awake. I moan again, but what I really meant was “come on, do what you want. I’m waiting.” She lovingly brings me closer to her. I wait, not making a move.  I’m all hers. Few minutes pass, but nothing happens. I can tell she didn’t go back to sleep.As soon as I half-open my eyes to check what she was doing, she rolls over to look at me. I close my eyes and continue pretending to sleep. She takes a strand of my hair and plays with it. What she’s doing is romantic, but I whimper to tell her “you can do better than that.”She lets go of my hair. She shudders, then tickles the tip of my nose.I let out another whimper and squeezed her shirt. Kiss me, you idiot!We’ll be late for school if I wait for her. I open my eyes. She rolls back and pretends to snore.I sit up and “admire” the performance... For starters, you don’t snore. That’s the biggest tell you’re pretending.Hold on… Perhaps, she could tell I was pretending. We’ve been sleeping together for so long; I’d wager she can tell when I’m awake as well.Well, It doesn’t matter anyway. It doesn’t change the fact that she didn’t take the opportunity to kiss me.I get out of the covers, not bothering to cover her back up. I make my way to the bathroom. Yuzu follows shortly after, with a radiant smile on her face.“Good morning, Mei,” she says cheerfully.“Good morning,” I reply. She grins as she lingers by the door.“What?” I ask as she doesn’t say anything. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I am sort of frustrated with her. I can’t just come out and say, “kiss me.” Even now, she can just walk up and kiss me on the cheek to wish me good morning. It is acceptable as a sister and recommended if not mandatory as a lover. I can’t pretend I’m an expert on the subject, but it is what I’d have done if I didn’t overstep my boundaries before. She walks past me and puts toothpaste on her toothbrush. “Nothing!” she says gleefully. I give up and start brushing my teeth. She does too.We go to our room and change into our uniforms. She doesn’t make a move on me. Half naked in front of each other, and she does NOTHING. After breakfast, I wait next to her while she does her make up. I don’t scold her so as not to put her off a potential kiss. Once done, she just sits there, smiling as she waits for me to finish the nothing I was doing.I love your smile, Yuzu, but isn’t there something else you could be doing? We are girlfriends, aren’t we? Even your friend, Taniguchi, gets a kiss on the cheek whenever you meet. However you look at it, I should get more, shouldn’t I? Mom kisses us on our way out. She trails behind me while looking at her phone on our way to school.Eugh! I don’t understand! I love her to bits, but all I want to do now is hit her! What’s in that phone that’s so important? Is she texting Taniguchi? They’re going to meet in a few minutes, so what’s the point in that? She should talk to me instead. I’m the one who’s going to be separated from her all day. She spends time with her at school AND after school. She breaks school rules to be with her. She’s even maintaining her appearances to get her approval. I am her girlfriend, and she knows I don’t care for her get-up. If anything, she should be following my taste. “Hey, Mei!” Yuzu calls out to me. “I’m thinking of changing things up once the new semester starts.” She catches up to me and shows her phone to me. It had a couple of ribbons displayed on the screen. “Which Ribbon do you think I should use?”.I spare no effort trying to hide my annoyance. I sigh audibly and say, “you realize going to be a second-year student soon, don’t you?” I take this opportunity to tell her how her girlfriend thinks she should dress. “Maybe you should actually start adhering to the dress code.” “Why do you have to go on about rules on a nice morning like this?”“I don’t see what the weather has to do with it.”“It’s all worked out so far, right? What’s the big deal? I wanted to wear a ribbon you picked for me…” Yuzu doesn’t realize she’s only been able to act like she does thanks to Grandfather and me. It’s only a matter of time before she’s forced to change. Maybe I should let her enjoy herself for a short while. However, she has to understand that it is only temporary. Furthermore, I can’t let myself become complacent when dealing with her. I am her sister and her lover, but I am above all the student council president and the Aihara heir. While I found a shaky middle ground for “sister” and “lover” to co-exist, those other parts of me have too much weight on their shoulders. That ground would inevitably shatter from underneath me if I tried to make all four of me stand next to each other. Keeping them separate is critical.“I can’t keep letting you be the exception,” I explain to her, letting the student council president take the reign. “Okay, okay,” she says, miffed. She might be irritated by my scolding, but I can’t let it dissuade me. “Moreover...” I say, reaching to grab her phone. She resists my half-hearted attempt to take it away. “You and  I are about to become senpais,” I continue my speech. “We have to set up a good example for the new students. If there are more new students like you, are you going to take responsibility for the hit to our school reputation?” I rhetorically ask, letting go of her phone as soon as I felt my point made.“You make it sound like the end of the world!” she complains, putting her phone away.After that, we kept on walking. Both of us were silent. While I usually don’t mind, I start wondering if I upset her. While I have a clear separation for each part of me, Yuzu does not.  I myself did struggle with ‘sister’ and ‘lover’ as they didn’t exist before she came into my life. In fact, she single-handedly created them. Have i been left to my own devices, I wouldn’t have nurtured them. This must be why I was confused for so long. Yuzu never thought and still doesn’t think of separating the aspects of her life. The student in her is in constant slumber until the exams wake it up. The Aihara in her hasn’t been nurtured yet. Either father does not want to do it, or she does not want to embrace it. I am not sure I want to push it on her either. I want her to marry someone she loves, at the very least. If she does choose to become an Aihara, I will make sure to ease her responsibilities. If father chooses to become the head of the household I could probably talk everyone involved into letting my family and hers live under the same roof. That is a distant future, though. Her voice makes me come back to earth, “Greart, now I’m depressed.”Depressed? How? Why? Is it me? “What?” I ask, putting aside all the questions that took priority and opting for one that inferred I didn’t hear her. “Nothing, I just realized I should treasure my time with you, Mei.”I agree… She was probably thinking something similar to what I have been. Our days as lovers are counted. We should make the most of them. I am curious what she was thinking exactly and when it is she thinks we need to stop being lovers. I am not sure I want to know the answer to the second one now. I will need it eventually, though. More importantly, it has to come from her. I don’t want her to feel any pain or  when we have to go our separate ways. “Hey, Mei, do you ever let loose?” Yuzu asks. “We’re high school girls! We should be having fun! Like going shopping for cute clothes, or going on dates…”I love how she casually shows concern for everything and everyone around her. Such is the beautiful kindness I don’t want to share with anyone. Ever since I embraced her kindness, I decided to let her handle anything that pained me. She’s better at it than me. In return, I will try my best to do the same for her. However, she needn’t concern herself with this. “I’ve already thrown away the part of me that’s a normal high school girl,” I declare. “What?” she stops in her tracks. She doesn’t utter a word for a few seconds, then shouts,  “Even if you don’t care about fashion you’re still cute…”I want to smack her across the face with my briefcase, but this IS the first compliment I heard from her all morning. I take what I can get, I guess. I gather up my courage and say, “Do you realize you look adorable yourself withou-...” As I turned to reply, I realized. She didn’t turn the corner yet. I could feel my ears turn red. I am not sure I could muster the courage again to say such a ridiculous thingI wait for a moment, but as she doesn’t show up, I go back to see what was going on with her. I peer from around the corner. She was talking to a student from the Aihara middle school. “So, starting April, we’ll be in the same school,” Yuzu says. “That’s right!” the middle-schooler says enthusiastically. “So what can I do for you?” Yuzu asks. Yuzu’s influence on our future students started sooner than I anticipated. We do share the same assembly due to logistics. I can’t believe I overlooked that.“Ah, sorry! Ah, uhm...” The middle-schooler says and starts to shudder. “I-...I-...”She walks to Yuzu and grabs her hand, “I’m a big fan of yours, Yuzu-senpai!”“Wah?!” Yuzu was surprised at such a proclamation. “A Fan? Of mine?”“Yes, your biggest fan!” The middle-schooler insists. “And… and...” She bows then dashes past Yuzu. “I’m sorry for bothering you on your way to school!”Yuzu watches the middle-schooler run for a while then said, “sheesh… Today is off to a weird start already.”I look at my wristwatch. I should get going. I quicken my step, having no choice but to leave Yuzu behind. Himeko and the others must be at the student council room already. That and I don’t want jealousy to rear its ugly head again before The Heir of the Aihara has no opinion on this “fan.”The student council president is concerned.The sister doesn't want any more competition. Matsuri is enough.The lover might get violent.I have to calm down. Yuzu is attractive, charismatic, and lovable. Of course, the new students will be all over her. I have to have faith in her. Yuzu knows she’s mine. A mere “fan” can never compete with me. What if the “fan” gives her more attention than I do?Then it is my responsibility to give her the most attention.xxxAs expected, Himeko and Maruta-senpai were in the student council room. I greet them and jump into the heart of the matter straight away, “we must ban the forming of fan clubs on the school grounds.” As both looked at me with confused eyes, I explain, “There has been a study that school clubs centred around unworthy interests are on the rise. We have to do what is in our power to prevent our school from such a calamity.”“You are unusually fired-up today,” Maruta-senpai remarks. “Vice-president looks tame in comparison.”I brush off Maruta-senpai’s pleasantries and get on with the rest of the student council business. I announce that the student council activities will be limited to the necessities. We’d delegate most of our work to teachers over the exam preparation period. Mom would be on my case again if I don’t take such measures, not to mention Yuzu needing my attention, for more than one reason.On our way to class, Himeko asked me, “What did Yuzu do this time?”I look at her, puzzled. Why does she think that?“Well, you’re obviously upset about something…” She answers the question I didn’t ask.I sigh. I might as well tell her. “Well…” I think of a way to phrase it. “Yuzu has a fan from our middle-school, and-...”“Oh! So THAT’s what’s this all about!” Himeko exclaimed. “Well, that’s not all…”“What else?”“It’s not about what Yuzu did, but more about what she didn’t do…”Himeko looks surprised for a second, then smirks and trots ahead. “Don’t worry, Mei-mei. I’ll be watching over you.” She says gleefully before entering the classroom.Wasn’t that a patronizing tone she took with me? Maruta-senpai first, and now Himeko? As I follow Himeko into the classroom, I feel a stare upon me. As I turn to Taniguchi, she averts her eyes.Did Yuzu tell her about us? I wouldn’t blame her if she did. Taniguchi usually acts in a detached manner when dealing with me, in general. She is livelier with Yuzu and Himeko. All I can see now on her face is concern, and maybe some accusation… If so, of what? Taking Yuzu away from her? She knows she’s my sister, right? She was half-mine to begin with. I know that everyone who knows Yuzu wants her to themselves. Why wouldn’t they? I do not know what the future holds, but for now, she is mine. I will fight tooth and nail whoever tries to take her away from me. I might not deserve her now, but she chose me, and I will do my utmost to be the lover she deserves. I don’t care what the Taniguchis and the Matsuris of the world think. Yuzu chose me.The mere thought of Yuzu being snatched away is enough to get me worked up. I still need to learn a lot about this “love” emotion. It is very different from the one I carry for Father. While I had a certain possessiveness towards Father, I grew to not mind sharing him with Yuzu, and I don’t think I would be displeased if she grew to love him the same way I do. I know I don’t want anybody to love Yuzu the same I do, though. xxxThroughout the classes, I found myself resisting the urge to turn and check up on Yuzu. I did succumb some times, and on half of those she was paying attention to the teacher. She waved at me once, but I gave her a stern look as she did so. I want to learn how to smile for her the way she does for me... The day went without any incident. Yuzu and Taniguchi didn’t cause any trouble. Contrary to what I expected, Himeko didn’t ask many questions about Yuzu and me. She was somewhat pleased Yuzu failed to satisfy me yesterday. Probably because of that rivalry she had going with her. Logic dictates that I should have fallen in love with Himeko instead of Yuzu. We knew each other longer. We’ve always been by each other’s sides. We have similar hardships. Above all, we understand  each other.Yet it was Yuzu who swept me off my feet. There is no use denying that I find her attractive physically, but I think what made her so fascinating is that she is everything I am not. My initial feelings were very different, though. I never expected my disdain to turn into infatuation. Himeko and I didn't meet with Yuzu and Taniguchi for lunch as we had to take care of some final paperwork before our student council “sabbatical” starts in the evening. I felt strange for willingly passing the responsibility, albeit temporarily. Even stranger still is that the reason I am doing it is a selfish one. I don’t want Mom, and by extension father,to concern themselves with my well-being. But I think the real motivation is that Yuzu will have my undivided attention. My most enjoyable time with her was when we studied together. I am sure she feels the same way. This time, I won’t sour the mood by pretending a kiss didn’t mean anything. Our kisses from now onward mean everything. Before the start of the afternoon classes, I went to Yuzu’s desk and instructed her to pay more attention. “You’ve been looking my way all morning! Of course I can’t pay attention!”That caught me off-guard. She had a point. I have to be careful. I’ve been thinking of Yuzu a bit too much since… since… My God! I might have had a crush on her even before I realized! On second thought, no. She occupied my mind for different reasons over the last seven months. What has changed now is that I’m looking forward to being with her. I have to keep my imagination and expectations under control. Nonetheless, I have to keep my eye on her in class. It was my duty as President and as sister, but until I cement the “separation” between my different selves, I have to moderate my interactions with her at school. xxxWith the fifth period completed, I head to the student council room with Himeko. Himeko stops mid-way, which prompted me to turn around to see what was going on. “Mei-mei, you go on ahead and walk home with Aihara Yuzu,” Himeko says. "I will take care of everything here.""There is no need for such a thing," I say bluntly. "I appreciate the sentiment, though." Few months ago, I would have dismissed her without expressing my gratitude. Being around Yuzu made me appreciate Himeko's feelings for me. Harboring unrequited love for someone is painful. I couldn't bear the mere thought of Yuzu not having feelings for me. Himeko had to watch me fall in love with another. She even chose to support me. The least I could do is be kind to her.She shook her head, "I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. If I was your lover, I would want you to walk me home." She shifts her gaze. Yuzu would certainly appreciate that but ‘president’ takes priority over ‘lover’. "She walks home with her friend Taniguchi," I try to hide my agitation as best as could."Speaking of Taniguchi," Himeko's voice turns grave. "You might want to keep an eye on her. I don't wanna add to your worries, but the attachment that girl has to Yuzu isn't normal.""I could say the same about you and me.""That's different. We're childhood friends. Don't you think it's strange for Taniguchi to cling to a girl like Yuzu? Especially with who her sister is?"Himeko had a point. Taniguchi's older sister was the former student council president. Their family is a prime shareholder in the Aihara group. The younger Taniguchi associating with Yuzu must hide an ulterior motive. "I am not worried about Taniguchi," I state. "Yuzu would side with me in a heartbeat if things go south.""I know," Himeko agrees. "I'm saying make her choose you before anything happens."She has a point, but I’m just... tired.I don’t want to manipulate her for my own benefit anymore. It took too much out of me to ascertain her feelings for me. I do not want to doubt her anymore. "Now that I think about it…" Himeko ponders. "That fan of hers… Who’s to say she’s not waiting outside for her? Can you afford to be stubborn?""Himeko, enough, please.""I'm sorry, Mei-mei. I’ve been standing on the sidelines long enough. I'm taking a page off Aihara Yuzu's book. I'm going to support you even if you don't want me to. I know you care about her, but you have to show her.""I thought you didn't like her.""I don’t… Well… There are qualities about her... I could see why influenceable kouhais would be all over her. Which will cause us problems in the student council, but most importantly could expose your relationship with her.”I sigh. I hate to admit it, but Himeko's view on the situation is more mature than mine. She's able to provide a neutral take. "I know what you’re trying to say, but I can’t," I say.Himeko grins and pats me on the shoulder as she walks past me, “take care, Mei-mei. I’m happy I can be of some use to you.”. Be of some use to me?..

“I want you to need me. Could you do that?” My lowest hour with Yuzu flashes before my eyes.   “Himeko…” I whisper. I’m looking at Himeko in a new light. Her reaction to Yuzu was no different from mine to Matsuri. I told her not to interfere with my business. How could she still look at such an insensitive person? Even Yuzu scolded me for being mean to her. With this, I have no choice but to go along with her wishes. I stepped on her pride more times than I want to remember. I watch her walk away with a tightness in my heart. I fully expect Yuzu to prioritize me over Taniguchi. Still, I am not sure I can do the same for her with Himeko for how much she suffers for being my friend.I go back to the classroom. I don't see Yuzu, but Taniguchi is here. They usually linger at the school before wasting their time outside. Taniguchi eyes me briefly, then averts her gaze.I don't see Yuzu's bag on her desk."Excuse me," I call out to Taniguchi."Yes?" She turns towards me."May I ask where Yuzu is?""My sis is picking me up, so she went ahead.""Thank you for telling me," I say as I leave the classroom.She doesn't reply. It seems she wanted to say something but decided not to. xxx"I'm home," I say as I open the apartment door.I don't see Yuzu's shoes. "Welcome home," Mom's voice comes from the living room.I change out of my uniform. Yuzu didn't make it home despite having left before I did.Himeko's words ring in my ear.  I imagine Yuzu being surrounded by three middle-schoolers, chattering away about fashion, and asking them what ribbon she should pick…Staying alone with my thoughts when I am angry never leads to anything good. There is a chance Yuzu has been side-tracked on her way home. An acquaintance of hers, or Matsuri… She could have gone to the toilet before exiting the school. There are more than a hundred possible scenarios. Furthermore, I did hurry home when I didn’t find her in the classroom. There is a chance we passed her without noticing.I calm myself down and make my way to the living room.“Mei-chan!” Mom lifts a beer can as soon as she sees me. “Come have a drink with me!”I clench my fist. Here I am telling Yuzu to be a role-model for our kouhais, while her own role-model is drunk while her daughters are out!“I am disappointed in you as a parent…” I say, giving in to my frustration.“Huh!” Mom is taken aback. “Oh, no… I made you tea.”“Why are you drunk?”“I’m celebrating a little something… I’ll tell you about it when Yuzu comes home.”I take a seat and pour myself some tea. I give free rein to my anger and launch into a soliloquy, “this morning I scolded Yuzu, telling her it was high time she conforms to the school rules. I have let her be herself for long enough. She has to grow up now. She will be a senpai by April. How do you expect me to have any influence on her? In the first palace, it is your responsibility to have her dress properly, not mine! I know you don’t regard our school highly, but you chose to have her enrolled in.”“When did I say I look down on your school? You’re going on an awful lot of assumptions there, young lady. I’m letting Yuzu get the youthful folly out of her system, but I plan to have her dye her back at some point, regardless of your school rules. Besides, I doubt any of your prim and proper conformist ojou-samas would even get close to Yuzu. Poor girl, she may never experience the fun of being a senpai...”“That’s where you’re wrong, Mom. This morning a student from Aihara-middle school stopped Yuzu and emphatically announced herself as being Yuzu’s biggest fan! Yes, she said ‘biggest,’ which implies there are other fans that are not quite as big, whatever that means...”Mom burst into laughter.“I’m home!” Yuzu’s voice came from the hallway. Mom raised her beer in Yuzu’s honour and cheered, “Woohoo! Let’s give a hand for everyone’s favourite teenage idol Yuzu-sama!”“Mama, are you drunk?” Yuzu asked rhetorically.“I heard about it from Mei-chan. You have a fan-club now, eh, Yuzu?”Yuzu gave me a blank stare. Is she disappointed in me for telling Mom behind her back?I have to keep my cool. This is not the time for the lover in me to be in the foreground. Come, school council president. I mirror Yuzu’s blank stare and say, “That student is from our middle school division, so don’t lead the poor girl astray.”“What do you mean by astray?” Yuzu retorted.“That’s right!” Mom interjects, “Isn't it about time you changed your hair colour back? Jeez, I’m sure your father’s happy enough.”What?“Father?” I prompt Mom to expand on what she said.“Yuzu’s hair colour is the same as Yuzu’s father’s! He passed away when she was little. I don’t know where Yuzu got the idea in the first place, but I get the feeling she sees dyeing her hair as a way of honouring her dad, and that’s why she dyed it without telling me.”Yuzu became agitated and tried to shut Mom up, “That was when I was little! I just do it now because I like it! Ugh! I’m going to change!” She turned on her heels and stormed away.“Oh, my…” Mom watches her for a second.It’s my fault. I’m the one who asked. I had no idea I had such a sentimental reason for dyeing her hair. Me and my assumptions… At the same time, I found another thing in common between us: we both strive to be like our fathers. Is this why she empathized with me despite my awful personality?“Don’t worry,” Mom says as she sees the concern all over my face. “She’s just being shy.”Be that as it may, I cannot afford Yuzu being mad at me. I stand up. “Excuse me… I’m going after her.”Mom smiles. “I’ll leave her in your care.”I follow Yuzu to our room and get in without knocking. As impolite as it is, I don’t want her to shut me out because I upset her.When I opened the door, she seemed like she was deep in thought. She was contemplating a lock of her hair between her fingers.“Ah, Mei,” she says as she hears me coming in. “Sorry for leaving my clothes lying around. I’ll pick them up in a second!”“At least close the curtains…” I say, half-scolding her. I know I came to smooth things over but…I can’t come up with a rational explanation. I know the chances of someone looking out at our window are slim. I still don’t like those odds of someone seeing her half-naked, with only her unbuttoned shirt on her back.“Mei, you sure are lucky your hair is so naturally silky,” Yuzu says. “I’d love to have hair like yours.”I do not want her to aspire to be like me. Studiousness aside, she’s perfect the way she is… I walk behind. I take a lock of her hair between my fingers, and press myself against her back. “Liar,” I say bluntly. “You really do like it, don’t you? This hair color...” She shudders as I run my hand through her hair. “Maybe you’re better off like this. Black hair doesn’t suit you, Yuzu.”I let go of her, and turn away. “Is it really okay for the student council president to say such a thing?”That wasn’t the student council president talking, dear Yuzu. It was the lover. I’m starting to neglect the sister, maybe I should let her talk, “it’s your hair. What you do about it is your decision.”“Thank, Mei,” Yuzu says with a voice filled with gratitude. “Thanks to you, I feel like a weight has been lifted.”I close the door behind me. Her body is extremely pleasant to touch. I have to control these urges. I thought attributing my paradoxical actions to different parts of me would bring order to my reflections, but the constant shifting from one part to the other is taking a toll. I go to the living room. Mom is not here. I sit on the couch and take a deep breath. I didn’t fathom three parts of me would have different positions. I want her to adhere to the rules as they would prepare her for society, but I don’t want her to change. If Yuzu lost her ability to act true to her nature, she wouldn’t be Yuzu anymore.Yuzu joins shortly after and sits next to me. She steals side-glances while visibly fidgeting.“What?” I ask. I spent enough time with Yuzu that if she isn’t probed, we’d be here all day.She looks away and points to my lap, “Can I?”“What do you mean?” I ask, as I can’t think of anything else to say.She covers her face and says, “Can I rest my head on your lap?”Compared to how aggressive, I was in our room, her approach is heart-warming. I know she can be assertive when pushed to, but I find her hesitation endearing sometimes.I am not sure how to proceed. I’m suddenly conscious of my hands. I lift them up and say, “go ahead.”She smiles nervously as she cautiously lies on the couch, resting her head against my right thigh. She reaches out to my hand and intertwines her fingers with mine. She gently pulls our joint hands to her side. I’m grateful she did this as I wasn’t sure what to do with my hands. I take responsibility for my other hand by gently caressing it the top of her head. She seems to like it, as she relaxes soon after.“You know, Harumin asked me to follow the dress code today,” she says after a short pause.This is an unprecedented event. She never tells what goes on between her and her friend.“I could see why she’d ask you to do it,” I say. “Her older sister was the student council president before me.”“She says her sister is going to visit the school soon. I don’t want to cause you any problems.”“Well, you know my stance on the matter.”She knows all my stances.“I know you said it’s my decision,” Yuzu replies. “But it’s so hard… Kouhais, senpais, Mom… Everyone is on my case. I can handle that, but I don’t want anyone to be on your case because of me. Maybe I should dye my hair black… I can always dye it back after we graduate.”“I will support your decision, whatever it is. You could at least dress more modestly.”She giggles, “as long as you tell me I’m cute.”“I’m glad you’re reconsidering your apparel, but I have a suspicion that you’re forgetting a more pressing matter…”She eyes me quizzically.I sigh.“Exams,” I say.She gulps.“It seems I will have to supervise your studies again,” I say, pretending I’m not looking forward to it.“I’m glad we made up,” she says smiling, “or I’d be in big trouble!”“You should be able to study by yourself. Relying on me would hurt you eventually.”“Jeez, Mei. I know it’s troubling for you, but I really enjoy studying with you.”“Your behavior during the last time we studied suggests the opposite.”“I’m not lying!”“Be that as it may, let’s do our utmost.”“I’ll be in your care…”A kiss on her lips would have been the perfect conclusion to this surprisingly pleasant conversation, but Mom could walk in any minute. I run my hand through her hair. She closes her eyes and puts on a delighted smile. I feel sad somehow. Depending on what she decides, it could be the last time I see this color. She puts so much effort in preserving it. “Tell me about your father, if you don’t mind…” I say, as I remember the reason she dyed her hair in the first place.“I don’t remember much of him, to be honest,” she says. “I think I’m in love of the idea of having a father watching over me more than anything… I always felt lonely when I saw other kids, so… I don’t know… I just wanted to have some sort of connection to him…”“I understand… We can go visit him again, to ask for his blessings for our-…”The word ‘relationship’ dies in my throat. Yuzu seems to have guessed what I was trying to say. She beams at me. “I’d love that…”Unable to handle the tenderness of the Moment, I change the subject. “Mom is taking her time. Do you think she’s okay?” “We better go check up on her,” Yuzu sat up. “It’s been a while since she’s been this drunk.”We go to her room. Yuzu knocks on the door.“Come in,” Mom's voice comes out wobbly.We find Mom face down on her pillow. She turns to look at us.“Sorry, girls… I think I drank too much…”“Jeez! Mom!” Yuzu was more upset than I’ve ever seen her. “Why did you drink so much on a freaking Monday night?”Mom giggles. I remember she said she was celebrating something and that she'd tell us when Yuzu comes home.I sit down on Mom’s bed and ask, “earlier, "you said you had an announcement for Yuzu and me…”Mom props herself up, “oh, yeah… Shou needed help with building a school in India… Guess who worked out a deal for him and is now the supervising engineer…" She points at herself using her thumbs. "This gal!"Yuzu was standing cross-armed with a reproaching look on her face since we came in. Upon hearing the news, she gives in, " I'd hug you, but you stink!" She says, her tone not matching her words."Ow…" Mom whimpers."Alright, let's give you a bath and put you to bed," Yuzu says as she makes her way to the closest to fetch a change of clothes for Mom. “Mei, could you please prepare the bath.”I nod and head to the bathroom. Yuzu’s reprimanding voice could be heard as I didn’t close the door behind me. How many times did Yuzu have to care for Mom in this state? I have spent seven months with them and yet, there are sides of them I didn’t witness yet. Perhaps, I didn’t want to look. Getting attached to Yuzu and Mom is both the most terrible and the most wonderful thing that happened to me. I wanted to ask Mom about her time with my biological Mother. It doesn’t seem she appreciated their meeting.Yuzu and Mom came shortly after I finished drawing the bath. I helped Yuzu support Mom and put her in the bath-tub.Mom relaxes as Yuzu apologizes to me on Mom's behalf, "I'm sorry you had to see her like this. It's been… three years? Yes, three years since she got this drunk…""You don't have anything to apologize for," I state."Can I ask you for a favor? Could you not tell Dad about this?"Mom laughs and cups Yuzu’s cheek, "Don't worry, dear. I’m gonna tell Shou all about it, and he’s gonna scold me. I’ll hate it, but I kinda like it. I know deep down he does it because he cares. Doesn’t that remind you of someone?”They turned to look at me. I turn away. There’s no right answer for me. I decide to forgo this conversation with reckless abandon. “Since you’re sober enough to tease me, I’m assuming you’re sober enough to take a bath by yourself,” I say as I stand up.“Hold on, Mei-chan…” Mom says. “Yuzu, could you give us a minute?”Yuzu didn’t seem pleased with this. I know I wouldn’t be either if I were her. She did as asked, however."I feel sorry for Yuzu," Mom says as soon as Yuzu closed the bathroom door on her way out. "But I'm not sure whether you want her to hear what I'm about to say…" I give her a questioning look.“I want to talk to you about your mother...” She declares.“I don’t think you’re in a condition to have a serious conversation,” I remark.“When you’ll get older you’ll discover that some things are impossible to discuss properly when you’re sober…”“I'll take your word for it.”“Plus, I can be as honest as I’d like and just blame it on being drunk when I tell Shou about this.”“Understood.”“Your mother is a bitch!”Is this what she means by honest? I try my best to stay expressionless. No matter what, she is still my birth mother, and I won't stand for her being disrespected."At least that's what I'd have thought, had I met her six months ago…" Mom makes a concession. "Spending time with you, your father and grandfather, made me see things from a new perspective…You know, how you three don't express yourselves but are always adamant on shouldering responsibility above your means… I believe your mother is the same… She's… I don’t know if it’s my place to say so, but I believe your mother did what she thought was best for you… It took me a while to come to grips with how complicated your situation is… I feel so small for not having any advice to give you, but at the same time I don’t agree with your mother… Just, please don’t hate her…Okay?""You don’t have to concern yourself with the Aihara’s politics. I have nothing but respect towards my mother. I won’t harbor pointless hatred for actions that could not be helped.”“Hey! I can take all that ‘don’t concern yourself’ from all three of them, but you’re twenty years too young to give me that! I’m your mother damn it! And my name is Aihara too now? Why the hell is everyone treating me like a stranger!”“That’s not what I-...”“Sorry… I know, I know… It’s just… So frustrating… Not being able to do anything for you… I’m not gonna lie… I thought Shou was exaggerating at first, but the more I learned, the more I came to see why things are the way they are… When Shou explained why he left you behind, I didn’t like it, but I accepted it. I couldn’t think of an excuse for your mother. The only explanation I could come up with is that she was forced… I didn’t think I could forgive her...”“I’m sorry you had to learn the truth…”Mother has been given the choice to take me with her or leave me with the Aiharas. She chose the latter. Being born in an upper-class family, she was not going to stay unwed for long. The long-term ramifications for the way her new family would treat me were countless. Not to mention my faculty to “betray” them and go back to the Aiharas any time I deemed necessary. I was an unnecessary liability to her new life and her new children if she were able to bear any. She even told me to stop contacting her once I got news that she had a new-born. I never contacted her. I never asked questions about her. “Yeah… But I’m not blaming her,” Mom says. “I’ve never had to make such a choice. I have no right to judge her. That’s probably the only way she knows how to live. For her, she probably was ensuring you have the best possible future while you fulfill your ‘duty.’ She told me not to get involved in this but are you okay with following in her footsteps,  marrying someone you don’t know, especially after what happened with that horrible teacher?”“Grandfather said he will make sure that won’t happen again,” I say. There is no shortage of suitors, going by Grandfather’s words. He is being cautious. Amamiya-sensei’s scandal made a dent in the Aihara’s name reputation. I am ‘soiled’ now. The few kisses I shared with Amamiya would probably put my chastity under scrutiny. “Sometimes I wish Shou was more selfish and just yanked you out of that whole situation,” Mom said with a hint of frustration in her voice. “Doing so would contradict all he stands for, though. He knows there’s no one right way to live one’s life… He thinks forcing the future he chose on you is unfair, especially when you were raised to be the heir of the Aihara since you were born...” “It can’t be helped. I am the eldest daughter. I’m just taking the position sooner than expected.”Mom stares at me pensively, then says, “what if Shou and I had a son?”“Will you let him inherit a position that father has rejected?”“At least he won’t have to marry someone he doesn’t love… Also, I think Shou will ultimately leave the choice to him as he would feel it’s not fair to force his own ideals on him… Basically the same thing he’s doing with you…”“He didn’t mention any of this when we spoke to each other…”“See why you need to get me drunk? I would never let this slip while sober. I’m sure there’ll come a time when you two will talk all of this crap out!”“Please refrain from referring to our family matters using such terms.”“Oh... Sorry. That, on the other hand, is why you shouldn’t talk to me when I’m drunk. Yuzu must be getting worried. Go to her. I can go to bed by myself,” She says as she leans back and relaxes her muscles. “Sorry for the trouble.”I stand up. I don’t think she is as drunk as she’s pretending to be. “You said you’d take me with you next time you go see her…” I say, as I’m unsatisfied with how this conversation has gone. She treated it as a chore she needed to get out of the way…“Of course… Do you want to?”“When you said it last time, it was… an order…”“I was mad that day… I’m sorry. This might be cruller from me, considering the situation, but I’m giving you a choice. I’ll respect your wishes.”“My wish is for you and father to never bring this up in front of Yuzu…”Mom’s eyes widened. All the tipsiness from alcohol visibly gone. “Why?”I turn away, as I can’t say these words straight to her face, “Yuzu has been in enough pain; she worries for me too much already… She’s too sensitive to handle this.”She lets out a laugh, grabs my wrist, then pulls me in a hug. “You’re wet! My clothes!” I shout.“You can always change, but I can’t always get you when you’re at your weakest.” She plants a kiss on my cheek. “Alright. I’ll respect your wishes and tell your father for you, but in exchange, I want you to tell Yuzu all about it, okay? Take your time and tell her when you think you’re both ready. Yuzu is stronger than you think.”“I promise…”“I love you.”A knot formed in my heart. Before I could suppress them, my tears started flowing. Why do Yuzu and her say those three words so easily? None of my blood-related family told me they loved me. How come a woman I didn’t know,  who became family through a piece of paper she co-signed with my father,  felt this way about me?I don’t have the strength to question her feelings, but I want them to be true. A soft knock on the bathroom door yanks me from my disarray. Yuzu's voice comes from behind the door.I can’t make out what she says. I break away from Mom’s and grab the nearest towel. I dry my tears and put on my bravest face. At least I think I did.I open the door for her and bolt away before she could get a good look at my face. From the hallway, I could hear Yuzu reprimanding Mom for upsetting me.I change out of my wet clothes and throw myself onto the bed. I wait for Yuzu to come in.
“I love you, Mei, and these feelings will never betray you. So, Mei, if you feel the same way… Please, kiss me.” 
I didn’t exactly kiss her. Does she think I don’t love her? She asked if I liked her right after she kissed me.Why was I unable to kiss her, despite having done it many times before then?It’s because kissing her at that moment was as good as saying, “I love you.”“ these feelings will never betray you.” Therein lies the problem. Where does she draw such confidence? Could it that Father and Mother never said they love me because they knew their feelings would betray me someday? One wouldn’t leave a person they love behind, would they?It is not like Yuzu pushed me into this “love”. She physically refused it, but I couldn’t let go. I wanted to know her feelings, but I couldn’t reciprocate them properly when she laid them bare. Perhaps there are degrees? Is her love for me stronger than mine is for her?Her actions speak louder than mine in any case…Yuzu comes in. Her brows furrowed, she complains how Mom kept insisting, "just go and ask Mei-chan."She lies beside me and says, "so… what did she say to you? I mean I don't wanna meddle, but you looked so upset when you walked past me…""You say you don't wanna meddle, but you ask me anyway," I remark. "If our time together is any indication, you're the most meddlesome person I have ever met.”"I'm sorry," she says in a small voice. "You know… As your girlfriend… erm…""Thanks to that habit of yours, I patched things with Father… It's not all bad. Don't worry about this. Trust me, it's nothing like that.""Really?"I reach out and pinch her cheek and stretch it out. She cries out even though I didn't pull too hard."Shouldn't you be worrying about yourself for a change?" I ask. "You should be focused on studying right now. You always manage to find a distraction when you have to hit the books.""So unfair! I studied hard last time.""You did, but don't you remember? In the middle of a study session, you asked what that kiss we had after Father left meant.""I mean, that kiss was different… I don't know how to put it, but, in a way, I think it was our first real kiss…"I know what she means. It warms my heart that we feel the same way. Yuzu looks deep into my eyes, glances briefly at my lips, then refocuses on my eyes again. I can't hold eye-contact for too long. I avert my field of vision, and become aware of how dry my lips are. I wish she'd look away for a second so that I could moisturize them. I want to steal a glance at her, but I can’t face that look again."What?" I ask despite precisely knowing what is on her mind. That one-word-question gives a chance to furtively lick my lips.I'm not sure they're moist enough. I hope she doesn't think dry lips are unpleasant to kiss. "Alright! I'm gonna rank in the top 50 this time around!" Yuzu says, enthusiastically raising her fist up in the air. She gives me an expectant look. "And if I do… will you kiss me?"I face away from her."Learning should be its own reward," I say, trying to hide my frustration. There's a month between now and the test results. But that is not why I'm in a foul mood. In her own words, kissing should be about confirming each other's feelings. Not some sort of carrot on a stick. "Good night," I say as I turn away. "I get that you and I have secrets," Yuzu says. "I didn't think you and Mom would hide things from me. I'm sorry for prying." Yuzu curls up in a fetal position. Is she sulking?I tried to shift her focus away from that subject to no avail. She is stubborn when she gets hung up on something.Our second night as lovers, and we're already fussing about each other's failings.I'm not going through this again. Yuzu crossed the many gulfs I put between us to get us to where we are. I failed to realize she couldn't sort out her feelings before. The result was an agonizing two months. I am… We are not going to go through that sort of thing again.I will try to be the accommodating one this time around. I concoct the quickest harmless lie I could think of, “We talked about a private matter concerning Grandfather. You know how he is.”Forgive me, Grandfather.“Jeez. That’s it?” Yuzu asks, her expression split between relief and bemusement. “I think he’s past being embarrassed with me.”“Be it as it may, he is a proud man.”Yuzu snuggles up to me. “You said you enjoyed my warmth.”“That’s true, but we’re past winter now.”“What’s the first day of Spring?”

“March 21st.”“And what day is today.”“February 28th.”“So technically…”I sigh, and she laughs. On our first night as lovers, we’re not doing anything as lovers do, yet I feel such bliss.“White day in two weeks,” Yuzu remarks. “Exams start in two weeks,” I remind her. “But we promised we’d make chocolates together!”Why is she making it sound like I was the one who planned the exams on that day? Furthermore, I don’t recall any promise. We agreed we’d make them together, but there was no mention of it being a promise. Somehow, I feel mentioning that wouldn’t alleviate her disappointment.“How about we finish our preparation a day early and make them a day before the exams?” I suggest.She squeezes my arm with enthusiasm. “You’re a genius!”. With that, she rests her head against the nook of my neck. “Good night, Mei.”“Good night.”I squeeze the bed sheet with my free hand.What just happened?If I understand the situation correctly, Yuzu is happy with my proposal and praised me for it! Am I starting to get acclimated to the lover role?I considered her feelings before saying the first thing that came to my mind and it paid dividends.I want to kiss her!Mei… Calm yourself. You did a good thing, but she didn’t kiss you for it. It means it wasn’t good enough.I just have to be patient. I will take this small victory and build on it. Tomorrow I will work on a study schedule to make sure our “promise” is fulfilled.xxx“I take it things went well with Yuzu yesterday,” Himeko remarks once we were alone.Himeko went out of her to request that we don’t have lunch with Yuzu and Taniguchi, saying that she can’t discuss some things in front of them.“You could say there is an improvement, yes,” I say, still unsure what are the limits of what is acceptable to be disclosed to Himeko. “Details, please and thank you,” Himeko probes as if confiding in her was her unspoken right.“May I ask a question, Himeko?” “Of course.”“Don’t you feel uncomfortable when I talk about Yuzu, considering how you… how should I put it? Disapprove of her as my lover?”“Oh, Mei-mei… This is the first time you had a lover. Of course, I need details! That way I can give you good advice when you need it.”It is true that I could use all the help I can get, but as far as I know, Himeko is as inexperienced in matters of love as I am.“Plus, I don’t ‘disapprove’ of Yuzu entirely…” she adds with a sad undertone. “What do you mean?”“Enough about me! Did you kiss?”“No…”“And things ‘improved’ because?”I suddenly feel inept thinking there was any sort of improvement, now that the situation is under himeko’s scrutiny. I want her to like Yuzu. Maybe not like her as much as I do, but at least to think she’s a good lover to me.“She… praised me…”“What did she say?”I feel my ears turning red as I meet Himeko’s expectant eyes. “She said I’m... a genius...”Himeko’s expression briefly turned into one of disappointment before bursting into laughter.“What? It’s a good compliment.” I protest, knowing how unromantic my story sounds. Himeko went on laughing for a good minute. I would've left her behind if it weren’t for my record of insensitivity..”I’m sorry,” she said, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. “I knew Yuzu was bad at romance, but I didn’t think she’s that bad.”“She’s not bad.”“Okay, okay. Maybe I’d understand if you put things in context.”I do my best to recount things while showing Yuzu in a good light. Himeko didn’t interrupt me.“That’s the gist of it,” I say to signal the end of my recit. Himeko ponders for a moment before saying, “If anything, I’m grateful to Yuzu for making you share so much of your life with me.”Did I go overboard? “I think she’s holding out on you,” Himeko declares. “She wants to keep the kisses special, so unless the mood is right, she won’t kiss you.” “Mood?”“You know… A kiss comes naturally when the romantic atmosphere is there. That’s why she asked you if you would kiss her if she got in the top 50. It’s romantic when you do your best for your lover. ”“Comes naturally…” I contemplate. It is true that our first ‘real’ kiss, as Yuzu puts it, came naturally. So that’s what was different! Our other kisses until then were somewhat forced. “Or you could just be spontaneous and surprise her with a kiss,” Himeko suggests.“For reasons I won’t get into, I decided to no longer initiate a kiss myself. At least for now.”“You already shared more than you did in the last three years, so I won’t be greedy. You know what? I’ll look up ways for you to set the mood, and you try them out.”“You have to focus on your studies. Yuzu and I will be doing that as well.”Himeko pouts but doesn’t protest. What would Yuzu say in this situation?“I’ll look them up myself.” I say. “Thank you so much for your input, though. I’ll be in your care from now on.”Himeko smiles, “I’m glad.”xxxWhile making the study plan, I found myself thinking “I should give Yuzu a break here.” It is unlike me to plan for breaks. The lover in me is sneaking up more often than I care for. It is already responsible for removing a whole day from our schedule. I kept wondering where “considering her feelings” stops. It was easier to impose a plan on her.Mom left this morning for India. It has been a while since I’ve seen her excited about anything. I didn’t know why it is exactly that father “needed” her there, beyond the official reason.Yuzu and split the chores as usual, despite Yuzu suggesting we do them together. If it were any other time, I would have agreed, but we needed to be more efficient in managing our time and energy.Yuzu was in charge of groceries today, so we went home separately. She didn’t bring an umbrella despite me telling her earlier that it might rain today. When it started raining while I was on my way home, the “lover” part of me wanted to follow her to the store. After considering my options, I decided it was best to go home and prepare a bath for her. I could probably join her.Then it dawned on me. We have the house to ourselves for a week. It was not like we had never been alone together at home, but the fact that we could give free rein to our “lovers” status without fear that Mom might see us was a novel occurrence.My steps quickened just to find Matsuri at the entrance of our building.“AH! Mei-san,” she says as she sees me. “Welcome home.”She’s soaking wet. “What’s your business here?” I ask, refusing to give into her games anymore.“Ara ara, Mei-san. You owe me some tutoring. I’m in big trouble thanks to you.” “How am I responsible for anything going on in your life?”“Are you telling me that you’d have been okay if I won?”I can’t deny that I, too, would blame Matsuri if Yuzu had chosen her. I sigh and walk past her. “I’m not playing mind games with you anymore. What are your intentions?” Matsuri catches up to me and says, “Oh nothing. I figured it’d be easier if you helped me and I wanted to make sure you’re treating Yuzu-chan well.”“I suppose I could land you a hand, but you don’t have to concern yourself for Yuzu. I...”I open the door, she gets in behind me. Matsuri let out an exaggerated laugh. “ ‘You don’t have to concern yourself for Yuzu,’ she says. Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason I’m letting you play around with her is that I know this relationship you have is temporary… Meanwhile, I am forever, bitch.”I know she can’t begin to fathom how true her words are. Or maybe she does. In any case, she insulted me at the mall. She blackmailed at our school. If she thinks she comes to our home and still have the upper hand, she has another thing coming for her.“I don’t think you’re eating well, Matsuri.”“Huh?”“I bet it’s easy for you to catch a cold.”“What?”“I bet Yuzu would be worried if you did. She’d nurse back to health instead of focusing on the exams.” “And I bet you won’t like that,” Matsuri says with a mischievous smile.. Let me show what the lesbian bitch is capable of.With a quick move, I lift her up and carry her to the bathroom. She tries to struggle against me but to no avail. In less than two minutes, I was scrubbing her like a cat. What am I? A bully? After I finished with her and put her in the bath, I proceeded to wash myself.Apart from protesting when I was washing her, she was silent. She even seemed to let herself relax in the tub.“Yuzu-chan used to bathe with me all the time,” she says after a while.“Good,” I reply, trying to not let it show that Yuzu only bathed twice together in all our time as sisters.“You don’t know how lucky you are,” she says. I try to make out her expression through the steam. “I think I know…” I reply. “Then why aren’t you replying to Yuzu’s feelings?”Then it dawned on me that Matsuri is probably not aware of Yuzu and I being lovers now.“When was the last time you spoke to Yuzu?” I ask, to check whether Yuzu is hiding that fact from her. “A month ago, I think…”“I see,” I say as I join her in the bath tub. I sit across from her and look her in the eye. “Yuzu and I are dating, and I am not handing her to anyone.”Her mischievous smile comes back. “So, did you do it?”“Do what?”“I guess that means no. Mei-san, that’s no good,” she says as she gets out of the bath. “If you get complacent, someone might steal her away, and I don’t mean me.”“I’ll get you a change of clothes. Come back to the tub.”I think she just realized she didn’t have a change of clothes outside. A hint of embarrassment crept across her face. Maybe it’s not a bad idea to have her over so that I could see through the cracks of that front she puts on.She’s upfront about caring for Yuzu, and I appreciate that. Perhaps I could learn from her.I fetched a change of clothes for both of us. While changing, the conversation turned into what she needs to study. She barely knew the titles of her lessons. When I reprimanded her, she said, “What’s the point? I’m gonna learn everything tonight.”Then I explained to her that Mom is absent and that she should behave herself nonetheless, as Yuzu and I have to study. All I got was a moue in response.Upon hearing the buzzer, she ran out of the bathroom to greet Yuzu. I caught up with her and started drying her hair.No matter how hard I try, what she said earlier bothers me. She might be taking me for a ride, but I won’t know until I try?“Stop talking as soon as Yuzu comes in. What do you mean by ‘someone might take her away?’”“You know…” She smirks, “That girl who’s always following Yuzu like a puppy. Legs for days and huge boobs. Don’t tell me you don’t think she looks at Yuzu funny?”Taniguchi. “I’m home”, Yuzu’s voice comes from the hallway.“She’s her close friend. I, too, have one.”Bad example. As long as Yuzu doesn’t look at Taniguchi that way, I have nothing to worry about. “Ah! Yuzu chan,” Matsuri turns to Yuzu as she comes in. “Welcome home.”“Matsuri?” Yuzu says with mild surprise in her voice. I suppose this means Matsuri didn’t talk to Yuzu beforehand. “Why do the two of you look like you just got out of the bath?”Because that is what we did.“What are you doing here?” Yuzu yelled all of a sudden.“The two of us had business to-...” Matsuri tries to explain.“Quiet you,” I interrupt her from saying anything ridiculous. “This girl showed in front of our house with no umbrella.”“At first, I thought Mei-san wouldn’t let me in. Then she grabbed me and shoved me into the bath, like a cat. It doesn’t look like the rain is going to stop, so I thought I could stay over tonight.” Matsuri freed herself from me and walked up to Yuzu and hugged her. “So it seems like the two of you were able to kiss and make up, and Yuzu’s Mom is out of town. So, let’s make the most of it… Eh, Yuzu-chan?”Matsuri was getting too close to Yuzu for my liking. That and Yuzu’s distressed expression pushes me to physically separate them. It seems I have to keep Matsuri from teasing Yuzu. Matsuri cares for Yuzu, yet she likes to mock her. Isn’t it paradoxical? “The bath is ready, Yuzu. I’ll bring you a change of clothes. As for you,” I turn to Matsuri, “You’re helping me with dinner.”“Fine,” Matsuri says with exaggerated exasperation. After making sure Yuzu was in the bath, I grabbed a change of clothes from her side of the closet and left it outside for her. Then I joined Matsuri in the kitchen, who was looking through our fridge. I sigh audibly at her rudeness, then give her her instruction. “There is some leftover curry Yuzu made. You heat that up while I make a salad.”“Boo… I was hoping for something more tasty,” Matsuri says in protest.“Yuzu’s cooking is delicious. No one is forcing you to eat, though.”“You’re a terrible host. And here I was giving valuable information about potential rivals.”“If you’re referring to Yuzu’s friend Taniguchi, I’m assuring you you’re off the mark.” At least, that is what I want to believe. “I don’t know where you get that confidence from, but I ran into her the other day and asked her if she liked Yuzu-chan. Do you know what she said?”I keep quiet. I want to know, but Matsuri would use that to lure me into one of her games.“She said that she likes Yuzu,” she continues without waiting for my answer, “but doesn’t have a crush on her.”“Then there is no point to this conversation.”She sniggers. “I thought you, of all people, would see through her. Remember what you told me? About closing your heart to the people around you? That girl is the same. And just like you and I, she got latched onto Yuzu.” Matsuri’s argument is starting to make sense, but still, I’m not compelled to buy it. First, there is no guarantee she’s telling the truth. Second, I witnessed firsthand the lengths this girl can go to to achieve what she wants. “I appreciate your concern, but Yuzu and I will be fine.”“I’m on your side, Mei-san, but I think she suits Yuzu-chan more than you do,” she says, smiling. “Try to stay in my good books. I’ll go check on Yuzu-chan.”I’m starting to think inviting this girl into our home was a mistake. She’s trying to lead me into a path I have no use for. Yuzu said her feelings would never betray me, and I owe it to Yuzu to have faith in her. Yuzu and Matsuri joined me after I finished setting up the table. Yuzu tied her hair using a headband that looked delightful on her. She had a nice rosy glow after the bath. I wish I was there to dry her hair, but I’m sure matsuri would have gotten in the way.“Just so you, Yuzu-chan,” Matsuri boasts, “ Mei-san made the salad, but the rest was all.”“All you did was heat up the curry,” I clarify but feel silly for doing so.“Oh, right!” Yuzu says. “This was the leftover curry I made.”“Yuzu-chan and Mei-san…” Matsuri says, “You two need to keep your stamina and strength up.”“Huh? Why?”“When I decide to do something, I’m the type to go all in. I intend to give it my all from dusk to dawn.”“There’s no way we can do it all night,” I bring matsuri back to earth. Rest is part and parcel of productivity, as I’ve learned the hard way.“Speak for yourself, grandma. Even if you seem like you’re about to give up, Mei, I won’t let go to sleep~!”I wince at the sudden drop of the honorific, but this is Matsuri. Showing any sign of being rattled is out of the question.Speaking of being rattled, Yuzu doesn’t look like she’s taking Matsuri’s presence too well. “Hey!” She intervenes with a high-pitched tone. “More importantly, why not play a game until morning? I bought a new video game...”“Oh, are you sure?” Matsuri says. “I’m pretty good at games. If we play as a threesome…”“Whaaaa?! It doesn’t work like that, you can’t play as a threesome. Let’s play cards! Hm? Though I think you can play cards as a threesome...”“Yuzu,” I intervene as the course of the conversation isn’t sitting well with me. How could she think about games so close to the exams? “We both know Matsuri isn’t here to play games.”“Oh, Mei-san, you’re cute when you’re mad,” Matsuri mocks.Yuzu looks at me with distraught in her eyes. “I think I’ll pass…” she says.I wonder what is the correct course of action for me. I can’t go forcing her to study when she’s like this. “Then It’ll just be the two of us,” I say to Matsuri.I leave Yuzu behind to do the dishes and take Matsuri to our room. “Are you okay with this?” Matsuri asks as we close the door. “You just made up, after all.”“No need for concern,” I try to sound confident. “If you say so.”I expected more mockery but Matsuri seemed genuinely pondering if I knew what I was doing. Neither of us wastes further time discussing Yuzu. We just got on with studying. Matsuri was too far behind. It wasn’t long until we heard louds steps before the door sprung open, with Yuzu at the other side of it.“Isn’t having a threesome a bit fast?!” Yuzu shrieks as she comes in. What is she talking about?She lingers at the door, with an expression that suggested the realization of a misunderstanding. Matsuri’s smile returns along with her teasing, “So you wanna keep Mei-san all to yourself even as your study buddy? Yuzu-chan, you’re too controlling.”“Be quiet. You’re lucky I’m helping you at all,” I try to assist Yuzu. “ Yuzu, you may as well take a seat. I’ll tutor you at the same time.”“Uh, okay. That would be good, actually…” Yuzu says with the voice of someone who just realized they forgot something important. Matsuri snickers before saying, “So, Yuzu-chan, what did you mean by ‘threesome’?”Yuzu blushes.I roll a notebook and smack Matsuri on the head. “Ow! What’s wrong with you?” Matsuri protests.“I said, ‘quiet.’ Can you afford to mess around when you’re so far behind?”Yuzu laughs and says, “You have no idea how strict Mei can be when it comes to studying. But you won’t have to worry. Just follow her lead, and you’ll be okay.”I try to make sure I stay as impassive as I can to Yuzu’s praise. Matsuri won’t let me hear the end of it if my expression reflects my feelings. It didn’t take long for the study session to take its flow. Matsuri is a fast learner and didn’t need much practice before grasping the concepts. Not surprising, considering how she manipulated me last Christmas. By the end of our study session, I was giving her the most complicated exercises I could find, and she was still able to cut through them like butter. Yuzu’s progress seemed so unsatisfying in comparison. As soon as Yuzu stammered to the subject of sleeping arrangements, mentioning that Mom’s room was empty, I knew another wave of Matsuri’s teasing would start.  Upon seeing her smirk, I rose to Yuzu’s defence, “Could you please let us sleep in peace? You can’t mess around either. You only covered one-quarter of what you need.”“What? Are you worried about me?” Matsuri countered-attacked.“No, but I’d hate to see my time wasted.” “I could just flop on purpose. The look on your face would be worth it.”“I trust you wouldn’t. There must be a reason you asked me for help. You don’t strike me as the responsible type.”“Now that you mention it…” Yuzu puts a finger on her chin in a gesture very reminiscent of Mom. “The last time I saw Matsuri put any effort in school is when her d-...”“I just felt like it!” Matsuri cut Yuzu off. It was Yuzu’s turn to put a mischievous smile on. “You dad is back in town!” “That’s not the reason!” Matsuri’s cheeks turning red as she gives me a side glance is a refreshing sight. I understand her embarrassment more than most. I don’t know what to do with the fact that Matsuri and I are somewhat kindred spirits.  “I have no interest in why you’re doing it,” I say as I stand to make my way to the bathroom, “ but you will come back tomorrow and we’re going to finish where we left off. It is no use if you stop halfway.”xxxThe exam preparation was uneventful, save for Mom and father calling occasionally to check on us. Matsuri would turn polite when addressing our parents. Father kept on referring to her as “Matsuri-chan”. It is the first time I heard him use “chan” for other than Yuzu and me. I tried not to read too much into it, but I couldn’t help but wonder what his impressions of her were. Any hope of a romantic tete-a-tete while Mom was away dissipated the Moment it was convened that Matsuri would cram for her exams at our house. I didn’t want our relationship to distract her from studying. Still, Yuzu kept playing video games with Matsuri whenever I gave her time to relax. Matsuri knew about us, which means Yuzu could have easily asked for a private moment with me. Instead, she chose video games with Matsuri every single time. Did she start to take me for granted as soon as I became hers? Matsuri slept with us in our bed. Yuzu stopped snuggling up to me out of meekness, probably, which was a good decision. I had to sleep in the middle to separate them because, otherwise, Matsuri’s mockeries would not have stopped, and that would have been detrimental to Yuzu’s sleep..   At one point, I gave Matsuri house chores out of spite. It backfired quickly. She kept asking Yuzu for help for every single little thing. Yuzu explained later that the Mizusawas had a nursemaid who took care of housekeeping for her.I still thought anyone could figure out how to operate a washing machine on their own.That must be why Matsuri is affectionate towards Yuzu. Yuzu doesn’t judge her. She accepts her as she is and tries to help her.Same as she does with me.In other words, I can’t help but see myself in Matsuri. That is why I feel both aversion and empathy for her.I ended up being the one assisting Matsuri with housework. If she was going to get in the way of my time with Yuzu, the least I could do is extend the same courtesy for her.Adding Matsuri’s to our study schedule meant we couldn’t finish with a day to spare. Yuzu said she didn’t mind as Matsuri’s request was more important than hers. On the eve of 14th of March, Matsuri didn’t sleep at our place, naturally, as we all needed a good night's sleep before the exams.Yuzu looked more relaxed compared to the previous exams. She must have grown in confidence after her decent rank last time.“Happy Valentine and White Day!” Yuzu comes to me after dinner with a decorated box. “I know we couldn’t celebrate it as we planned, but…” She lifts the lid to reveal a set of heart-shaped chocolates. “I hope you like them.”I pick one and contemplate it. How is eating a heart supposed to be romantic? Am I overthinking the symbolism?Yuzu leans in and eats the chocolate I was holding. It felt like she kissed my fingers. “Here!” Yuzu holds up another chocolate. I take it. She looks at me, befuddled. I’m an idiot. I was supposed to eat it off her hand.I lean in and kiss her empty fingers as she did mine. I look up and see that she looks flustered. Did I salvage the romance of the Moment?“Happy Valentine and White day to you, too,” I say as I eat my chocolate, trying to hide my unease of how I turned what could have been a sweet Moment into an awkward one.“Thank you,” Yuzu’s smile returns. I wonder if a kiss is the natural development of this situation. I look her in the eye, trying to find some sort of answer to my silent question.“What?” She asks.I suppose it isn’t. Himeko’s words about Yuzu potentially trying to keep the kisses special ring in my head. I know Himeko was going on an assumption, but it is strange that Yuzu didn’t even attempt to kiss me even within the context of what is supposed to celebrate our relationship. It can’t be her usual shyness either. Eating the chocolate off my hand was bold in its own right. “Isn’t there something we should be doing?” I say, not fully knowing if it’s enough of a hint.She peers at the clock behind me. “I know we should go to bed, I just wanted to do this since we couldn’t do it as we planned.”“It’s fine,” I say, realizing this was as far as this would go. Maybe it’s best for us to sleep right away, after all. A kiss could lead to things I dare not even think about on the eve of the exams.xxxSpring BreakBy the time Mom returned home, a few days before spring break, Yuzu and I had just received our exam results.The tableau she was greeted with is the last I’d have wanted her to see. I had Yuzu pinned on the floor. We were sweaty and our clothes in shambles. Furniture from the living room was all over the place, and a pillow from our bedroom was tossed to the side.“Wh-what happened here?” Mom asks.I let go of Yuzu and stand up. I put my clothes in order, and bow to Mom, “Welcome home. I hope you had a good trip.”“Welcome home, Mom,” Yuzu says without standing up. “It’s my fault!”“Of course, it is!” I say.“But you were the one who-.... Agh!”“I’m home!” A voice came from the hallway.It was Father’s!Yuzu and I exchange looks, and without another word, we start restoring order in the living room.“Dear, come quick!” Mom urged Father. “No!” Yuzu and I say in unison.Father walked through the door frame to see us in our most unflattering state. I could tell he was holding back a laugh. Mom, on the other hand, was laughing her heart out.“Welcome home, father,” I bow to him and pick up the pillow. “Excuse us,” I say before making my way to our room, dragging Yuzu behind me.. “Welcome home, dad!” Yuzu says enthusiastically. I close the door behind us. I try to take in all that happens in the past few minutes. Mom didn’t say anything about Father coming to visit. Another one of her “surprises,” no doubt. She knows it backfired the first time she did it. Why in the world would she do that again?Yuzu interrupts my train of thought by pulling me into a bear hug.“Dad’s here!” She squeaks. “You can talk to him face to face now!”Yuzu is right. This time, there is no invisible barrier between Father and me. I can’t let the fact that he saw me in a less than ideal situation dissuades me from properly welcoming him.“Right. Don’t think this saved you,”  I say, breaking away from her.She smiles and says, “I’m so happy we became sisters!” I feel somewhat conflicted about being dismissed in such a manner. Her easy-going nature could cause problems. My first thought is to tell her that while Father is here we’re sisters and nothing else. Saying such a thing is likely to hurt her feelings, but also would have the opposite effect. Bringing that subject to the foreground would render her self-conscious, which is no probably worse than her acting carefree. . “Let’s not make them wait,” I say, deciding there is nothing I can do now to prepare Yuzu or myself. Best to just take things as they go.Mom wrapped us in a hug as soon as we returned to the living room, “I missed you so much! Now go give your dad a hug, so he doesn’t get jelly!”“They don’t have to…” Father said with a nervous smile.“Yes, they do!” Mom pushes us against him. “Welcome home!” Yuzu hugs him instantly.Father wraps his arm around my shoulder in a reserved manner, yet far from being devoid of emotion.How many years has it been since I last felt his embrace?They say a parent is biggest in their children's eyes.His absence was and still is the most painful thing I had to endure. Yet, my pain is nothing compared to Yuzu’s. Her Father’s absence was irreversible. I kept clinging to the hope that Father would return and felt the ground collapsed from underneath me when I felt he changed. I used it as an excuse to put Yuzu down.Yuzu never had such hope in the first place. Yet she used her father’s memory to give her strength, and she channelled it into lifting me up.“Welcome home, Father,” I say.“Thank you,” he tightens his embrace on Yuzu and me.I missed him.Just like when I read Father’s letters, Yuzu started crying.“Yuzu-chan, what’s wrong?” Father says “Yuzu…” I extended my hand to her, but stopped upon recalling how that kiss started.Mom comes from behind and pulls Yuzu towards her. “Don’t worry, she’s just relieved you guys finally met,” Mom says. Yuzu nods in agreement and wipes her tears. “How about the two of us go to my room, and let these two idiots catch up?” Mom leads Yuzu away.Yuzu gives me a meaningful smile and a little wave.I realize Father was watching me. “It seems you and Yuzu developed quite the relationship,” he comments.“We act sisterly towards each other, if that is what you mean,” I think it is best to steer his impressions towards what I want him to believe. “I’m grateful for that. I wasn’t sure things would progress as well as they did. To be honest with you, marrying Ume was me just grasping for straws. I’m lucky she turned out to be such a wonderful person.”Grasping for straws? What was he so desperate for?“You must be exhausted,” I say. “Let me prepare some tea.”“I will take you up on that. Thank you.”I thought I’d take that opportunity to collect my thoughts, but Father joined me. “How is everything going at school?” He asksEverything? Does he mean Grandfather, my studies, or the student council?“All is well,” I opt for concision.”How was your time with Mom?”“She made things lively,” he says with a smirk. “She was a big help as well. She can’t stop talking about you and Yuzu.”“What did she say?”“Well, the gist of it is that you look happier when you’re around each other, despite giving each other hard times from time to time. Like real siblings.”I wonder how much she shared with him, exactly. It is not my place to set ground rules about what she may tell him. It is disconcerting. “That is one way to look at it,” I say.“Then what’s your way to look at it?”The least we talk about my relationship with Yuzu, the better. “It does take us a while to come to an understanding, but we always do.”“Ume says Yuzu changed a lot since she’s started living with you. She believes you changed as well, from the little she’s seen of you.”I remember her saying Yuzu stopped confiding in her, but what does she think changed in me?“I hope she thinks we changed for the better.”“Change is inevitable. People we meet alter its course, but that is all there is to it.”“How do you think you have changed since meeting Mom?”“For one, I don’t think I’d be here, talking to you.”I know I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Yuzu.“And for that,” Father bows down, “please forgive me.”“You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one who didn’t read your letters.”“I guess that’s one part that didn’t change.”I give him a quizzical look.“Being too mature for your age. Although, in many ways, it is my fault that you have to-...”“Father, may I make a request?”“By all means.”“Could you please refrain from discussing the Aihara matters in front of Yuzu?”“Is there a reason you don’t want her to know?”“Consider it a selfish request.”He eyes me with a hint of suspicion then says, “I suppose I owe you that much, at least.”“Thank you.”“You’re welcome.”“I will say this, however, as I haven’t had a chance to tell you. It didn’t feel right to do it over the phone. I decided to take over the academy on my own volition.”“Are you saying this so I could follow the path I’ve chosen without concern?”“Not at all.”“I will take your word for it. However, from now on, allow me to watch over you. Talk to me about everything you’re doing, your intentions, your plans. I still can offer advice and an understanding ear.” The fact that he’s asking for permission to be involved in my life makes me wonder how deep our misunderstanding goes. None of that matters. Yuzu and Mom worked hard to give us an opportunity to start over.“I will be in your care.”Father takes a deep breath. I think weight has been lifted off his shoulders. “So, I hope Ume doesn’t tease you too much.”“Nothing I can’t handle,” I say truthfully. I would rather succumb to her humour than her anger ever again.As I think that, Mom sneaks behind my dad and pinches his cheeks. “Don’t worry, darling. I don’t tease her as much as you.”Yuzu was on Mom’s heels, enjoying the absurd spectacle. She had dried her tears.  This is the second time she cried for my sake. Father said people we meet affect the changes in us. I wonder what the extent of our effect on each other is.I don’t want her to change one bit.“By the way!” Mom says, “What were you up to when we came in?”I glare at Yuzu, and she flinches in response. “Yuzu, what did you do?” Mom says, reading the room.“Well…” Yuzu scratches her head. “Mei saw the exam results, and my ranking didn’t improve. I’m glad all she used to hit me is a pillow.”“Could you remind me what you said when I told your rank?” I say, making sure my voice was calm and collected. “Well…” Yuzu looks away.“You said, and I quote, ‘Oh, well… No biggie.’” She ranked 107th. My exasperation with her was twofold. The first reason is that any diligent person would feel frustrated if they failed to improve their previous performance. The second one is that she asked for a kiss if she achieved Top 50, but seemed to not regret missing out. From where I was standing, it looked like I was the only one looking forward to it.She’s right. She’s lucky I only hit her with a pillow. Mom and father’s reaction wasn’t what I hoped for. They just looked at each other with pride in their eyes.Scratch what I thought about not wanting her to change. She needs to get her act together. xxxOn the first day of spring break,  we all went to visit Grandfather. After greeting him, I took Yuzu to my old room as I didn’t want her to hear anything, for fear the subject of my eventual engagement would come up.“This room brings back memories,” Yuzu says upon entering.“Memories of stalking,” I tease.Her reaction was as I expected. It is rather amusing. I see why Matsuri enjoys pranking her. I wouldn’t indulge in such a thing further, however. I’m her girlfriend, and I doubt constant mockery would do me any favor.As I recall our early days as sisters, a mixture of nostalgia and shame comes over me. I never apologized for my behaviour. I don’t even know how to initiate that apology. I’d rather just put it behind me, but I’m afraid that she might have a change of heart about me if I remember how horrible I was. “Do you have any pictures of you as a baby?” Yuzu asks suddenly.“Yes, why?” I say.“I want to see them, duh!”“I suppose there’s no harm in that.”I was kind of stuck on how to keep occupied while Father and Grandfather discussed what they had to discuss. I pick up a couple of photo albums and sit beside Yuzu on my bed.Mother was the one maintaining these albums. Under each picture, she wrote the date it was taken and the event it commemorates. No photo has been added since she left. She is in a lot of these photographs. I don’t think it’s wise to bring her to Yuzu’s attention.“On second thought-...” I say.Yuzu jumps out and steals the albums. “No way! I want to see your baby pictures! I’ll show you mine after that!” Yuzu as a baby...I suppose Mother’s subject was going to come up sooner or later. No better time than the present to tackle it. “Alright, just don’t make a racket,” I say. “Remember what happened last time?”“Come to think of it, wasn’t that an abuse of power from Grandpa?” She says. “I misbehaved outside of school. Why did I have to get expelled?”“Are you saying you’re not constantly walking on thin ice? From your outfit to your behaviour inside and outside school. In case you don’t realize it, he’s part of why you’re being treated as an exception ”“Well… Hey! Pictures!” Yuzu and I look at each other for a moment. Without another word, we reach a mutual understanding that we should forgo this conversation with reckless abandon. That situation wasn’t our finest hour, Grandfather and me, and Yuzu is having a temporary leeway because of it. I can only imagine how Grandfather is feeling about Yuzu’s situation. Any other student would have been expelled three times. I’m sure he’s being accused of nepotism. I’m sure I could explain her hair color to the disciplinary committee. Still, she has to meet me halfway by following the dress code.We sit on the bed and open the first photo album. The first two pages are filled with thirteen pictures—one for when I was born, and then on for each subsequent month. “So cute!” Yuzu shrieks then gasps. “Is this your Mom?”“Yes,” I say. I knew it would be the first question.“She looks just like you!”“She gave birth to me, so it’s natural.” “Are you talking to each other, or is it a similar situation to how it was with dad?”“We do occasionally talk,” I lie. The last thing I want is for Yuzu to get involved with that part of my life. Pretending my relationship with my birth mother is ideal, but distant, is the best course of actions.“I’d like to meet her sometime. I want to thank her  for giving birth to you.” “She is a busy woman, but I’ll see what I can do.”“What’s her name?”“Rin.”“What a beautiful name!” She bows to her picture. “Nice to meet you, Mei’s Mom. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of her.”What is wrong with me? Why am I finding this ridiculousness sweet?“I could kiss you all over!” She says.What?“You look soooo cute in these pictures!” She continues gushing over my pictures as a baby.When did I become this overeager?She tries to turn the page. I pull the album away.“Alright, here are mine!”She fiddles with her phone then shows it to me. On the screen is a picture of Yuzu as a baby chewing on a toy cat’s ear. Before I could control my reaction, I took the phone from yuzu to get a closer look.Adorable. “Sorry, I couldn’t see well.” I return the phone to her and try to pass off my reaction as being natural.“Here’s another one,” she swiped on her phone to reveal another picture. “Sorry, I’m mostly messy in them. Mom and dad just took pictures at randoms. Yours look like they were taken by a professional.”They probably were. Mother had a similar album that chronicled her exemplary upbringing. It is plausible that she enlisted the help of a professional photographer.On the picture displayed on her phone Yuzu was in Mom’s arms, with a man leaning besided her. A big smile on his face and a V sign.“That’s my dad,” Yuzu comments.“He looks like you,” I say as I study the details of his face subconsciously.“You’re just saying that to make me feel better after what Mom said the other day.”“I’m being honest. Look at his jawline. It has a similar shape to yours. Your eyes are not only the same colour, but they also have similar shapes around the corner. And the ridge of his nose is-…”Yuzu puts the phone down on my lap, stands up, and walks away from me, covering her face. “Yuzu?” I ask, worried I said something I shouldn’t have.“Sorry,” she says, her voice muffled by her hands covering her face. “I didn’t realize you looked at me that much.”I cover my mouth, realizing how I sounded. I hope she isn’t creeped out.To my relief, she sits back down next to me. Her face and ears flushed red. “So you really think I look like him?”I could list at least another seven details, but I think my point was made. “Yes. It is further enhanced by hair colour exactly matching his.”“You noticed! It was so hard to get it right!” The more I learn about her, the more I realize how unfair of me to ask her to change. Surely, if I explain to the school board that the reason behind her hair colour is not just fashion-related, they will give her a pass.As these thoughts seep into my mind, I realize that the sister in me is getting in the way of student council president. I cannot allow that.We hear a knock on my door.“Come in,” I say.It is Mom. She enters with a radiant smile. “Hi, there. I got bored of those two geezers being at each other throats. Watcha doin’?”“Looking through Mei’s pictures!” Yuzu says. “Ever seen her Mom? She looks like her!”“I know,” Mom says, matter-of-factly, “I met her in person.”Yuzu looks at me with surprise all over her face. I try my best to hide my knowledge of their meeting. Mom gives me a sly smile. “I gave her a picture of you two,” Mom says. “She is concerned that we’d lead Mei astray, you and I, Yuzu.”Yuzu giggles then says, “As if that could happen.”I don’t think Yuzu realizes her influence on me. She made me fall for her! Mother would have me see a psychiatrist for that.Mom sits at the other side of me. We continue looking through the photographs, all three of us.Watching photographs of a younger Yuzu and having Mom comment on them makes me feel like I am catching up on something that I have been missing. xxxThe next day Father went back to Grandfather’s by himself. Mom had to catch up on some work, and Yuzu had plans with Taniguchi. Yuzu invited me to tag along, but I thought about what Matsuri said. A sudden wave of jealousy rose in me, and I blurted out that I had plans of my own with Himeko. Yuzu marvelled at the coincidence. That is how I ended up visiting Himeko. I told her about Father returning and our visit to Grandfather’s. I could tell from her expression that I went into rather excruciating details on  Yuzu’s photographs.“So no kisses since the school trip,” Himeko concludes.I nod. “Seriously! All the fuss to have you for herself. Did you try to join her in her bed?!”  Himeko laments. Come to think of it, I never told Himeko that I slept in the same bed as Yuzu.“That concept we talked about before,” I decide to change the subject. “The romantic atmosphere. I didn’t find any books in the library about it.”“Of course, when you said ‘look up,’ that’s what you meant.”“You sound disappointed.”“Yes, in myself, for not seeing that coming. Things like that, you can’t find them in the library. At least not in our school’s library. Let me show you how it’s done!”She cracks her finger and takes out a laptop from her desk de. She types in something looks intently at the screen. “This one sounds good! Ignore the pictures.”She shows me a website page with some suggestive pictures. The big title read “10 ways to set the mood for your partner.”I fish a notebook and a pen from my handbag.“First, dim the lights.” Himeko reads aloud. “Use scented candles as the soothing smell help regulate their mood.”“I’m trying to keep our relationship a secret,” I remind her. “Buying scented candles might attract Mom’s attention. Not to mention that leaving a flame out when we’re occupied is dangerous.”“Okay, I suppose that’s fair. Next, put on romantic music.”“Again, trying to be discreet.”Himeko gave a look that suggested she felt I was being difficult. I’m not. That is just how the situation is.“Alright,” she says. “This one is definitely possible, no matter what. Harness the aphrodisiac power of chocolate. Treat your partner and yourself to an assortment of tasty delights.”Aphrodisiac power of chocolate?I put my hand on my mouth as I realize Yuzu’s valentine gift significance! “What?” Himeko asks, puzzled as my reaction.“Yuzu gave me chocolates on the eve of white day.”“And what did you do?”I recount the events of that night.“Mei-mei,” Himeko with a half-patient, half-reprimanding voice. “I can’t believe you’re making me feel sorry for Yuzu.”“What do you mean?”“That was your cue!”“What was?”“When she gave the chocolates! You kiss her right there!”“A-are you sure?”“Yes!”“I would imagine I had to eat it first.”“First, you did eat it, and you still hadn’t kissed her, so there’s that. But that was special. The gift itself should have prompted a kiss. If it was the other way around, you’d be here complaining about how she didn’t kiss you.”  I’ve never had Himeko chastise me like this before. Which means I made a grave error.“I… didn’t know.”Himeko’s expression softens. “It’s okay. I’m sure she’s still wagging her tail like a puppy just for being able to  call herself your girlfriend.”I don’t care for Himeko’s metaphor, but I hope the idea is right. One thing is sure. I should not repeat that mistake.“I think I’m having trouble recognizing that the mood is set,” I venture. What are the exact metrics?”“Well, I’m inexperienced myself. All I know comes from novels, magazines and wishful thinking. One thing I can say for sure, though: forget about ‘metrics,’ please. That’s not what romance is about.”“Then what’s it about?”“It’s ineffable.”I give up. Whenever Himeko says something is ineffable, it just means that she doesn’t know. “You said what you know comes from novels and magazines… Could I borrow some?”Himeko stands up on walks up to a shelf. She starts browsing while thinking aloud, “I don’t think one would suit your taste… This one’s too gaudy…” She finally pulls one a book, “Ah! You can’t go wrong with a classic! I don’t think it is relevant to your relationship, per se. Still, it will probably help bring some clarity to what romance is.”She hands me the book. “Great Expectations” by Charles Dickens.  "I guess at least you will have some influence on her when it comes to what she wears.""I can't use our relationship to my own benefit."Himeko stares at me, puzzled for a moment, then smiles. “You, know what, Mei-mei?” She says, “You are already becoming quite the romantic.” xxxI ran into Yuzu and on my way home. I offer to help her with her bags, but she says they’re not heavy.“You returned early,” I comment. Not that I am displeased, but I did hope to get to talk to Father while Yuzu was away.“Harumin’s older sister is on her case,” she says. “We only had time to look through a couple of stores.”“Wasn’t that enough?”“No way! It seems we won’t be able to go out as often as we used to while her sister is around.”“This could be a good thing for you too. You’re a senpai starting next week.”“I guess…” She mutters dejectedly. “So what did you and Momokino-san talk about? I hope it’s not me.”“Why would we talk about you?” I ask, trying to hide my panic at the eventuality of her discovering the extent of what I told Himeko.  “I figured since you talked about student council stuff, the school's top delinquent would come up.”“We have other pressing matters, but it would be convenient for us if you behaved yourself more.”Yuzu’s smile fades. It pains me to see her react like that, but that is the harsh reality. Furthermore, someone could put forward a candidature to become the student council president. If they win against me, they might not indulge her antics.  I feel telling her such a thing would put her under more stress. Father was home when we arrived. He was sitting on the couch in the living room. Mom was standing behind him, massaging his shoulders. He seemed perturbed.Greeting our parents became a little problematic since Father’s return. Yuzu is spontaneous and naturally affectionate; she hugs and/or kisses them. Whenever I’m in her company, I feel obliged to replicate her greetings. My attempts were often clumsy. While Father spared my feelings, Mom gave me playful grins.“You seem upset, dad!” Yuzu comments. “What’s the matter?”Mom and Father glance at me. I wish they weren’t so obvious. I nod from behind Yuzu. This connivance doesn’t escape Yuzu, who turns to me. “What? Did I do something?” She asks, alerted.“Far from it, Yuzu-chan,” Father comes to my rescue. “Your Grandfather is ill. I came here to convince him to delegate the administration of the academy. I gave a list of some trusted candidates, but he wouldn’t budge. I’m leaving after tomorrow, and I didn’t make much progress with him.”“What? Leaving already?” Yuzu voices out my thoughts.“I’m needed there.”“Aren’t you just like grandpa? Why don’t you ask someone else to stand in for you while you do what you have to do here?”“It’s different.”“She’s right,” Mom says. “Like father like son.”“Mei did say that I say some smart things for someone who talks without thinking!” Yuzu boasts.“That wasn’t a compliment,” I say.“A back-handed compliment is still a compliment, tsundere-chan!” Mom says before turning to Father. “You did all you could, dear.”  She leans in, hugs him, and plants a kiss on his temple.“Not in front of the kids!” Father breaks away from her, his face and ears bright red.I start making my retreat to our room.“You heard your dad, girls!” Mom cheers. “Go to your room so I can kiss his pain away.”Yuzu catches up to me, heartily laughing. “They’re so cute together!”“If you say so,” I say, thinking that Mom would have better answers about love and romance than Himeko…xxxIn our room, Yuzu takes out the content of her bags. Some clothes, what looks like cosmetics and a couple of magazines.“Tell me what you think, okay?” She says as she props up the mirror.I change out of my clothes on the other side of the bed. By the time I finished, she was still in her underwear. She was examining the items she bought, for some reason. Didn’t she get a good look at the store?I sit on the bed, waiting for her to finish. From the angle I was in, I could see part of her reflection on the mirror. My eyes are drawn to her lower back. I catch a glimpse of her buttocks line as she adjusts her underpants. She slips into tight-fitting pants that enhance her thighs. A strange sensation comes over me. It reminds me of when I hid her in my bed. I’m suddenly aching for her touch.The T-shirt she puts on shows her midriff. It’s the first time I notice how her belly button is beautifully shaped. Yuzu twirls with a “Tada!”“This outfit is hardly appropriate,” I say. “You’re showing too much skin, and your pants leave little to the imagination.”“But I won’t wear this school. I can wear whatever I want when-...”“This isn’t about school.”“Then it’s about what?”It’s about not wanting perverts like me to get all hot and bothered when they see you. “It’s about decency,” I say.“Decency?”“Yes.”She glares at me. I went too far! “Ugh! You don’t get it!” She throws herself on the bed.I don’t want to fight again! “Then help me get it? What’s the purpose of this outfit?”She looks up at me and smiles, “This is the first time you tried to understand me…”First time? I’ve been trying to understand you since-... I can’t put my finger exactly on when I started, but it feels like I’ve always been trying to pick her mind.She crawls up to me and hugs me. I prop myself to a sitting against the headboard.“Can I stay like this for a bit?” She asks.“Just until they call us for dinner.”“Okay.”She relaxes in my arms. I think of her baby pictures. All the lust built up a few Moments ago dissipates to give way to a warm feeling. Why am I so obsessed with those baby pictures of her? It is almost as if I wished she was my own baby. Is this what they call maternal instinct? “Can I do your nails?” She says after a while.“Excuse me?”“I want to give you a manicure.” I angered her earlier. She is giving me a way out to her forgiveness. I jump at the opportunity.  “Alright. You may do them after dinner. How long for the nail polish to come off?” “Silly! You can take off right away. It’ll be a waste, but I understand.”She makes herself comfortable on my chest. I feel trapped. I hope she doesn’t realize the power she has over me.Anything but another fight with her. Slowly I become aware of her body again. Her breasts against my stomach. My legs against her bare midriff. Himeko, am I being romantic right now? It feels to me that I’m being a perfectly twisted debauchee.xxxI tried to distract myself by reading the novel Himeko gave me. Yuzu herself shifted her body, picked up a magazine and read through it while using me as a pillow.It seemed to me her fury at my insensitive comments was soothed, but I couldn’t risk being wrong. I refrained from asking her to let me go.I was halfway through the second chapter when Mom’s call to dinner delivered me. I say “delivered,” but I missed Yuzu’s warmth when she sat up. I thanked the stars she changed out of her enticing outfit before joining the dinner table. Had I made another comment, I doubt any amount of holding and nail polishing would put me back in her good books.Yuzu was heaven-sent when it came to dad, in more ways than one. She kept prodding him to share stories of his travels. He obliged each time, giving details about his encounters, the cultures he witnessed and the projects he had seen to fruition. I couldn’t have gleaned as much information on my own. Mom looked at her with tender eyes. I think I know why. Yuzu was relishing the presence of a father in her life. I was proud of Father for giving her such joy. I wondered if they’d have arguments if he stayed around. I would imagine he would not let her go out in immodest outfits. I don’t want her to have an aversion towards him, but I feel he would fulfill the disciplinarian parent’s role better than Mom. She didn’t seem to favour authority. We had to push her buttons repeatedly for her to resort to reprimands. I am an idiot for not seeing that rules are practically shackles for Yuzu. It doesn’t change that she has to abide by them sooner or later. With dinner done and teeth brushed, we went to our room after bedding our parents goodnight.Yuzu put down the table and laid an assortment of cosmetic products and tools. She opened one of her magazines on a page that displayed a hand and close-ups on some nails. It served as a reference.I took refuge in “Great Expectations” once again, leaving my left hand in her care. She explained her process as she went and occasionally made comments about my hand and fingers from time to time, which added to my self-consciousness.  By the time she finished, I had realized I had to reread whatever I read. Yuzu had been so absorbed into her “art” and was oblivious to her surroundings that I got sucked into observing her.Each day, Yuzu invites me into a new part of her world, and each time I join her against all my attempts to resist. After inquiring how much time it would take to remove the nail polish, I figured I could do it in the morning. She was right. It would have been a waste to take it off right after she finished.The only inconvenience was that I had to wait for it to dry. The smile on her face was worth the trouble.xxxEven after Father was gone, it seemed we reverted to being more “sisters” than “lovers”. Matsuri and Taniguchi had family matters of their own to attend to. We spent the rest of spring break practically joined at the hip, yet I still couldn’t figure out how to concoct a romantic atmosphere. The idea of throwing caution to the wind and kissing her without much of a prelude started dancing in my mind. On the last day of the break, Yuzu said she needed to go out by herself. I tried to give her privacy, but I couldn’t help but feel betrayed. She came home tonight with a bag, put it in the corner of the room and didn’t speak of it. Did she refrain from showing the content because of my reaction last time? I wondered if it was normal for a sister or a lover to ask about the content. It wasn’t until after dinner that I learned what she was up to. She took a little too long to get out of the bath. When I went to check on her, she said she would be out in a minute. It took her another fifteen.When she joined Mom and me at dinner, it all became clear.It didn’t feel like something Yuzu, my Yuzu would do. Her hair was black. I was at a loss for words. Mom laughed her heart out. Couldn’t she see how emotional this must have been for Yuzu?
“Change is inevitable. People we meet alter its course, but that is all there is to it.”
But I told her that black hair wouldn’t suit her. I also said it was her decision.Was it my constant nagging?Later in our room, I found out she bought a proper tie and uniform. I thought this was what I wanted for her, but now that I’m witnessing this, I feel a shiver down my spine. I took away her freedom. “What aren’t you saying anything?” Yuzu asks.“What do you expect me to say?” I try to disguise my inability to accept what happened. “I don’t know. What do you think?” She points at her hair.“Well done.”“Jeez, Mei!”“What?”“You’ll have to flatter me sometimes, you know?”She gets in bed and pulls the covers over her head.I sit down at my desk and write down the following line in my diary: 
“I have to pay attention to the weight of my words.”