Work Text
Alex Alvarez
As soon as I step into the gymnasium, I know it’s a mistake. My girlfriend, Olivia, didn’t want me to pick her up, so I had to catch a ride with Syd and Elena. She hasn’t texted me since we agreed to go with each other yesterday night. Olivia’s making me think that she doesn’t even want to go--or be with me at all. And the school rules say that you’re not allowed to leave the dance once you enter, so I’ll have to sit through four hours of everyone but me being happy.I take out my phone and send a quick text to Olivia, asking her if she’s here. I put my phone on vibrate and put my phone back in my pocket, not expecting to get a reply anytime soon. Syd and Elena have already left me for the dancefloor, unsurprisingly. I’d follow them, but I don’t have any friends to spend time with, and I wouldn't want to bug them.My mind briefly floats back to when I was around thirteen, and I actually had a lot of friends. I guess I was what you’d call “popular”. But then Elena started being way more vocal and open about her sexuality, and my friends made fun of me for it. I decided my sister was more important than some idiots who didn’t care for me. Since then, I’ve only really had a few close friends, and I’m okay with that.Surprisingly, my phone buzzes with a text from Olivia that reads “i’m here. Where r u?”I respond, “at the dancefloor waiting for u”“ill be there in a min”I send back a simple “k” and put my phone away again.I look around and notice the concessions table at the other side of the gymnasium. I make my way over and pay for two bags of cookies--one for me and one for Olivia. I put her bag in my pocket and take one cookie out of mine, promising myself that I’ll wait until she gets here to finish them. I glance at Syd and Elena again, who are dancing like two drunken idiots on the dancefloor. They look dumb as hell, but they’re happy, and that’s what matters. Seeing their joy as they flail their limbs in the air makes me grin a little, despite myself.The song ends, and they both stop dancing and stand in place for a second, trying to catch their breaths. Elena hugs Syd and whispers something in her ear that makes Syd hold onto her tighter and kiss her cheek.I let out a sigh. Sometimes I feel slightly jealous of what Syd and Elena have. Sometimes I wish there would be a person who looks at me the way Elena looks at them, or a person who, whenever I saw them, I could hug and kiss on the cheek. But of course, I would never tell them that I'm jealous.As the next song starts and they both start dancing again, I realize Olivia's taken a really, really long time to get here. Maybe she's getting us a drink. Maybe she was in the bathroom. Maybe she was talking to her friends.Or maybe she really doesn't care about me.I search the dancefloor with my eyes for Olivia's face. I send her a text that says, "where are u? it's been a while" without worrying about sounding impatient or rude.The small text under the grey message bubble changes from "Delivered" to "Read" almost immediately, but the app doesn't tell me she's typing.She's going to leave me on read. Again.I let out a frustrated puff of air as I approach the closest person to me who isn't dancing. "Hey," I say to her loudly over the music. "Have you seen Olivia anywhere?"She looks around for a moment. "I think I saw her with Finn a few minutes ago, but I could be wrong."I blink twice. A bit of jealousy itches at the back of my mind--which surprises me, considering how much I hate dating her. "Finn? Where the hell is he?""Over by the drinking fountains," she says, pointing towards the doors behind me."Thanks," I tell her as I damn near sprint to the doors and down the hall to where I know the water fountains are.As soon as I see her, my heart stops.I don't even have the energy to confront her. I don't even want to get angry and yell at her for what a stupid bitch she's been to me. I don't have the will to cry or tell a sob story about how no girl has ever really liked me or wanted to spend time with me, that I'm just the token Latin boyfriend that they use to brag about to their friends.I'm not even sure why I'm that surprised. She has never even tried--not even once--to show that she cares about me by doing something special, or even a simple "I love you" or "good morning" text. I was almost anticipating this moment with excitement, the moment that I would have an excuse to just drop her.But now that it's actually here, and I'm actually witnessing her cheating on me and kissing some other guy, I only feel numb."Olivia."She stops kissing Finn for a moment and looks at me. Her expression is somewhere between surprised and smug. Completely shameless."I'm done."I don't wait for an answer as I make my way back to the gymnasium, where everyone else is with a partner, dancing their hearts out. But I've lost any desire to try again, to talk to another cute girl or get another phone number. Right now, I don't want to talk to anyone. Not Mami, not Elena or Syd, not Abuelita, no one.I just need to find a place where no one will bother me so I can breathe for a moment.I decide to hide behind the recycling and garbage bins in the back of the gym where no one will see me. I undo my tie and open the second bag of cookies I'd bought for Olivia. No way in hell is she getting her hands on these--not when she's cheating on me and I paid for them with my own money.I sit pretzel-legged, press my back against the wall, and take a deep breath--inhaling through my mouth and exhaling through my nose. It's some sort of strategy that Elena learned to help with her anxiety attacks, but it's not really working right now. I still feel all shitty. Like the room's too hot and that I'm not getting enough air.I look down at my tie, which has now fallen into my lap, and realize the buttons on my collar shirt are hurting my neck. I undo the first two, and to my content, it helps me breathe better almost immediately.I clear my throat as I swallow the last bite of another cookie, trying to savor the taste. Abuelita volunteered to bake cookies for the dance tonight, and I'm so glad she did. Her cookies are damn good.As I chew another one, my mind travels back to the day Elena came home from one of her protests with her friends she met online. Dani, the girl Elena had a crush on at the time, had said something about her girlfriend and took off. Syd walked up to Elena and said something like, "Wow, she has a girlfriend, she's super lucky." Elena did nothing but nod. I can vividly remember Syd looking scared as hell as they asked, "hey, do you want to split that cookie?"Elena looked at her for a moment, confused, until she realized what they meant. She exclaimed, "Oh!"A paralyzed look of fear flashed across Syd's face and they were all, "Oh, sorry, sorry, nevermind, sorry." And then Elena did the most awkward thing I'd ever witnessed--she damn near yelled, "No! Gay! Gay! Me, gay!" right in her face. And Syd responded, "Oh! Me gay, too!"Abuelita and I still make fun of Elena for it.The memory brings me temporary relief from the stress of finding out my girlfriend's a ho. But once the memory's over, I'm left with a reminder of how everyone in my life is happy with someone except for me. Syd and Elena are inseparable. Avery just moved in with Schneider. Abuelita and Dr. B are as "friendly" as ever, and my mom got back together with Max, the dude that works at the same hospital as she does. Everyone always comes home with a story that starts with, "Guess what my girlfriend did for me today!" or "You won't believe what my Syd-nificant Other got me!" or "My boyfriend took me to the best restaurant tonight!" And I never want to be an asshole, so I just say "great, I'm happy for you!" Which I am, but I still can't help but feel a pang of jealousy and envy whenever they're so happy with their lives and I feel like I'm stuck, on the floor, all alone.Everyone else in my family has found their special person. Why can't I find mine?I take out my phone and my earbuds from my jacket pocket and shove the jack into the phone and the tiny speakers into my ears. My finger presses against the Volume Up button on the side to drown out all the other noise and choose a random song, not caring what genre or artist ends up first in the song queue. I just need to hear something other than the music blaring in the gymnasium.I close my eyes and let the sounds of my electronic music take me away from this hellhole most people call high school. It somehow relaxes me even though the song is fast-paced and energetic.As I listen, I start wondering if I can ask Mami to take me home a little earlier. She probably doesn't know about the rule that says you can't leave once you come in. Besides, even if she did, she once said to me that it's okay to break a rule if the rule's nuts.And it is nuts.I dust off the cookie crumbs on my shirt as I stand up and make my way over to my mom, who's working at the photo booth on the other side of the gymnasium. I send her a text: "mom are u busy? have something to ask"I see her respond quickly. "No, what is it?"By the time I read her text, I'm already at the photo booth. "Hey, Mom.""Papito, what is it?" She has a slight look of concern on her face."I kind of want to go home."Her worry morphs into confusion. "I'd expect that from Elena, not you. Did something happen?"I bite my lip. "Yeah, but I'd rather not talk about it right now."Mami frowns. "Papito, you know you can tell me anything, right?" She puts her hands on my cheeks and gently squishes my face, but it doesn't make me smile like it normally would."Yeah, but..." I trail off, trying to fight down the monstrous wave of sadness that threatens to drown me. I scratch the back of my head anxiously. This must be what Mami and Elena feel like. "I just don't really feel like being here anymore.""Alex, if we're going to go home, I'm sorry, but you have to give me a reason. What's going on?"I sigh and reluctantly give a vague answer. "Something happened with Olivia and I broke up with her."Her eyebrows furrow in surprise. Mami has gone from curious to worried to confused to worried to alarmed in the span of two minutes. "What happened? What did she do?" She steps closer to me and asks in a hushed voice, "Did she cheat on you?"I run a hand across my face in defeat and nod wordlessly.Mami stares at me blankly. Blinks once. Twice. Three times. Takes off her earrings and puts them in her pockets. "Where is she?"Oh God."Mom, you don't need to beat her for me. I don't wanna confront her. I'm just numb at this point. This has happened before.""What?!" Mami exclaims. "What the hell do you mean this has happened before?""I've dated tons of girls. I've lost count. They all just use me, and I'm honestly tired of it. I'm not even mad anymore. I just want to go home."The fire in Mami's eyes dims a little as she waits for a moment to say anything back to me."Papito." She puts her hands on my cheeks again. "I get it, okay? That sickening feeling in your stomach and you suddenly don't wanna be in front of anyone?"I nod."I really get it, okay? I do. But we can't leave because I'm your Abuelita's only ride back home. We need to stay the full four hours, okay?"I nod reluctantly. "Okay."She pulls me into a hug, and I don't hug back.As I'm walking back to my spot behind the garbage, my eyes scan the dancefloor again. Syd and Elena are still having the time of their lives, not knowing that the moves they're doing don't qualify as dancing so much as they qualify as having a damn seizure. Just as I suspected, everyone looks so happy. Everyone's dancing with someone. Everyone's in someone else's arms----until my vision lands on the only other person who isn't.He looks to be about the same age as me. He has black hair neatly combed into a style similar to mine. He's short--probably as tall as Elena--and his skin, under this lighting and from this far away, looks to be only a bit darker than mine.And he looks absolutely horrified.He's staring at something in the distance as if he's watching someone being murdered. The look on his face is something I've only seen on my mom during her last panic attack years ago. I can only describe it as a sick combination of pure traumatization and absolute shock.He looks down at his feet and crosses his arms across his chest, still visibly shaking, and something within my heart snaps.I have a weird feeling that I need to protect him, that I need to say something to him or brighten his day just a little bit or something very, very awful will happen. I feel like the universe is screaming at me to go say something--anything--to save him from his state of hopelessness.He stands completely alone in front of maybe a hundred happy couples dancing and having a good time, and everything about his body language is projecting anxiety. He looks lonely and scared, and I know too damn well what lonely and scared feels like. Hell, I'm feeling it right now, too.My hand goes into my pocket and pulls out a bag with only one more cookie inside it. I hold it tightly in my hand as I speed walk over to him and say the first word that comes out of my mouth. "Hey."He turns around in a panic and looks scared to see me. I hand the cookie to him and say, "You look like you could use this."He blinks once at me, then looks at the cookie, and takes it in his hand. I can't hear his voice, but his lips move in such a way that makes it look like he said "thank you." He holds it close to himself, but he doesn't eat it."Are you okay?" I ask him, suddenly realizing that it's very likely he doesn't like to talk to people he doesn't know.He nods quickly without looking at me--a move that Elena frequently pulls, and a move that Syd pulled once after they and Elena had a fight."You sure about that? Because you look pretty scared, and I know what that's like."He actually turns to face me this time, but doesn't look me in the eye. "No."I let out a puff of air. "Do you wanna go somewhere else, maybe? Talk about it?"He nods and says something, but I can’t read his lips this time.We're behind the school and alone, far away from any chaperones to yell at us, and any students to eavesdrop on us. Despite that, however, the boy doesn't seem to be at ease. He appears to be paranoid about something--what exactly, I'm not sure.I take a deep breath and relax my shoulders as I lean on the brick wall of the school building, telling myself there's no reason to be worried or agitated. I broke up with my girlfriend that I wasn't even in love with, a weight lifted off my shoulders. Syd and Elena are happy. I'm talking to someone who really looks like he needs help--nothing's wrong. No reason to worry. "So," I say to him. "What's going on?"His hands go into his pants' pockets and he clears his throat. "Kind of regretting my friend's decision to take me here.""Did something happen?"He takes a moment to answer. "Yeah." His shoulders tense up a bit the same way Elena's shoulders do sometimes. "My friend--well, I guess I can't really call her that, since we don't really talk outside of class--she convinced me to go to the dance with her, as friends..."When he stops talking, he sounds like he has more to say, but he pauses for a really long moment before continuing, leaving his thought unfinished. I don't ask him about it."When we got there, she immediately abandoned me for all her other friends and left me alone. So I bought some food and hid in a corner and waited for her to notice I was gone. She didn't for a good half hour. When she actually found me, she was all, 'oh, I told someone about you and they're interested in you! They really wanna meet you, maybe you can go on a date or something!' and I thought she was bullshitting. But I have a really hard time saying no to people, so I just said 'sure' and I met them. They were nice and all, I guess, but I couldn't shake the feeling I got that they were uninterested and it made me insecure. Few minutes later, when I leave for just a moment to get water, I find them kissing someone else. That's when you came up to me."I sigh. "I know how that feels. My girlfriend was cheating on me.""Sorry about that.""It's fine. I wasn't even in love. I'm just kind of sick of girls using me as some sort of token instead of actually having feelings for me. I'm really numb at this point."A short moment passes before he responds in a sad, empty voice. "I'm pretty numb, too."I turn and look at him. His hair drapes over the front of his head, meaning I can't see his face from where I'm standing. As I stare at his hair, I realize something. "I never got your name."He makes eye contact with me. His eyes are big, brown, and they're glossy, like he's on the verge of tears. The moonlight makes them shine like diamonds. "Ángel," he responds in a Latin accent.A smile tugs at the edge of my lips. "¿Eres hispano? ""Sí ," he responds. "Mexicano. ¿Y tu? ""Cubano," I tell him. "Es difícil encontrar a alguien más en esta maldita escuela que sea latino. "Angel snickers. "Tell me about it," he mutters in English.For some reason, I can't stop myself from looking at his hair. It's midnight black--probably darker than the sky--and it's combed in a way that's messy but not dirty. His hair is also curly, and it's long enough to almost completely cover his right eye. He's wearing a black collar shirt, black dress pants, and a black blazer. The combination of his dark clothes and messy, curly hair makes him look mysterious. Secretive, as if there's much, much more that lies beneath the surface that Ángel doesn't want anyone to see. I feel like I'm looking at a beautiful panting when I look at him.I blink twice and suddenly realize where my mind has just taken me. I spent a good two minutes staring at--no, checking out --the first Latino boy I've met in forever, and I don’t even know why! I am completely straight, and I’ve never had any thoughts about any other guy in my life --why the hell would my mind decide to go there?Mortification crashes down on me, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand and my face flush red. But it’s dark out, and he’s not looking at me, so I breathe through my nose and bite the inside of my cheek to hide it. The embarrassment isn’t going down in the slightest--it might actually be increasing--but Ángel hasn’t noticed yet, so I think I’m good.I didn’t realize how much awkward silence has passed between us until he speaks up minutes later. “Can I ask you something?”I clear my throat, still shaken from my thoughts about him. “Sure.”Ángel looks at me. “Why did you bother to approach me?”I blink. “What? What do you mean?”“Why did you come and talk to me?”I’m a little taken aback and confused by his question. “I mean...I just saw you standing on the dancefloor, and you looked horrified. Like you were watching someone committing murder or some other messed up shit like that. And I could see the fear in your eyes, and I knew that in that moment you were lonely and scared, and I know what that feels like. Even though I’m surrounded by people who love me, I still feel alone a lot. And it scares me, because things weren’t always this way for me. I guess I just related to you and wanted to help you out, that’s all.”“Oh.” Ángel’s eyes are wide once I’m done answering his question. He looks like he’s fascinated after listening to someone speak a foreign language he doesn’t understand. “That’s…” He doesn’t finish his sentence--instead, he nervously scratches the back of his head and runs a hand across his face. “Thanks. Really, thanks. Almost no one ever does stuff like that for me, so that was really nice of you.” He looks away from me yet again, as if he’s cringing.“Of course,” I tell him. “I’d hope that anyone else would do the same.”He scoffs, and what he says next damn near breaks my heart. “Yeah, you’d hope.”The dance ended three hours ago. I can’t sleep.I lie awake in my bed, horrified and anxious over the way I was looking at Ángel tonight. I noticed his hair, his body, his clothes. I was genuinely wrapped up in how good he looked for over a minute not even an hour after I break up with my girlfriend.What the hell is wrong with me?I’m staring at the light coming from the small lamp on my nightstand that illuminates the whole room with a warm glow. It’s not helping me go to sleep, but nothing will.Two soft knocks at the door snap me out of my trance. Elena pokes her head through the door. “Alex?” she whispers. “It’s past midnight, what are you doing up?”“What are you doing up?” Elena hates it when I answer her questions with my own question.As expected, she rolls her eyes. “I was thirsty. I got a glass of water.” She pauses and takes a sip from said glass and looks at me again. “Why are you awake? Go to sleep.”“Can’t sleep.”“Why not?”“Personal reasons.”Elena raises an eyebrow. “You’re lying, aren’t you? Something big’s on your mind.”“How would you know?”“Because nothing ever bothers you. You’re super chill about everything. And I know too well what it’s like to lose sleep over something that you’re worrying about.”I stare blankly at Elena while weighing my options. On one hand, I could continue to deny talking to her and hope that whole staring-at-an-attractive-guy thing was just a fluke and it’ll blow over, or I could talk to her about what I felt and maybe she’d understand. I mean, she’s gay, so she wouldn't judge me. But she might also start freaking out and drag me to all her protests and never shut up about it, which I would not appreciate.“If I talk to you about what happened at the dance today, will you promise not to make a big deal out of it?”Her analytical face has morphed into concern, just like Mami’s did. Without me telling her to, she sits down on my mattress. “Okay. What is it?”I exhale through my nose. “Okay. So, at the dance tonight, I found out Olivia was cheating. But that’s not what’s bothering me,” I tell her quickly. “What’s bothering me is, I saw this guy about my age standing on the dancefloor, looking like he was having an anxiety attack. I offered him a cookie and we went outside so we could talk without all the loud music. And as we were standing there” --I cringe, not believing that I’m really saying this out loud-- “I don’t know, he was standing out there in the moonlight, and...I felt attracted to him.”Elena’s jaw has dropped to the floor. If Mami and Abuelita weren’t asleep right now, she’d be screaming (I can tell). “Wait,” I say to her almost immediately. “I’m not saying that I’m gay or bi or something. I’m not coming out to you. I just--” I exhale through my nose again and rub my hands across my face in exhaustion. “--I don’t know why that happened. I’ve never thought about guys before this way, never . And suddenly, out of nowhere, this happens. I’m just...a little confused, I guess.” I somehow feel worse once I’ve said this all out loud.Elena, who has a huge smile on her face, pulls me into a very tight embrace without saying anything. “What are you doing?”“I’m hugging you,” she tells me.“I just told you I’m not coming out to you.”She lets go. “Yeah, not yet you’re not!”“Elena, please , don’t make this a big deal. I know that you’re really proud of being lesbian and that’s great, but I don’t want you to lose your shit over this. ‘Cause I don’t even know what happened, or if I even like this boy like that, or if it was just a weird fluke or something. Can you please not make a big deal about this? And can you please NOT tell anyone?” Elena sighs and sits back down on the mattress. “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.” She runs a hand through her hair. “It’s just--I don’t know. It’s exciting!” She wears a big smile on her face. “I think that you should spend more time with him. Maybe you’ll feel something, maybe you won’t. But whatever ends up happening, just know I’m always here. You can talk to me.”I sigh. “Thanks, Elena.” I pull the blankets over my body and lie in bed, still not feeling too relaxed. “That helps, but I don’t think I’m going to get any sleep tonight.”“You should at least try.” She stands up and turns off my lamp. “And this lamp of yours isn’t helping.” Elena grabs her glass of water and heads out the door, whispering one last “goodnight” before closing the door and leaving me alone again.The last image left in my mind before I fall asleep is what Ángel’s eyes looked like shining under the moonlight.