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There was something to be said about honesty. So coming out to the rest of the team about what happened with Desmond made John face certain truths to himself. Truths about himself. But just because now he was willing to face them it didn't mean he knew where they left him.New Year had passed - even in something as unstable as a time traveling ship - and it was the perfect chance to ditch old habits for new ones, and this is why John was knocking on Zari's door. When the door opened, he raised the whisky and the two glasses he was carrying."Fancy a drink?" he asked.Zari raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, sure," she answered with amusement in her voice, probably accepting out of curiosity more than anything.They drank for a few moments in an expectant silence before John spoke."I know I'm not in the position to ask advice or a friendly ear of you after everything I've done to you, but you're the one in this ship who understands me the most."Zari hummed in affirmation. "John, there isn't a person in this ship who hasn't betrayed the team at least once for selfish reasons. And even though I'm still searching for the way to turn you into a dog, your reason was love.""Yeah, that's the thing," John sighed and swallowed most of the content of his glass in one go."Gary, right?"John almost spilled the alcohol from his mouth."Come on, it was obvious how you looked at him at the New Year's party."John cleaned his mouth with the sleeve of his trenchcoat. "That party you guys forced me to attend as atonement. When I first met Ga– are you sure you want to hear all this?""John, if you don't finish speaking I will physically harm you," Zari threatened eager to hear everything."I suppose I should, alright," John filled his glass. This new habit of being open with others was hard. "When I first met him, he was cute but he also looked so innocent. I liked him instantly but I didn't let myself get close. I never let myself get close to anyone before Dez. And afterwards, after the unicorn, I was just too tired to fight my pull towards him and I used him as a distraction and I ran away before it got too serious. I was protecting him from the darkness that follows me, only now, I'm not so sure about it.""The excuses we tell ourselves, huh?""I mean, it wasn't a lie but… When I saw him at the party, I realized that I ran away because when I'm with him it feels like I'm moving on from Dez.""You're in deep shit, my friend," Zari said with a lopsided expression."I know," John answered putting the cold glass against his forehead, his eyes fixed on the floor."But shit you can sort through," Zari completed. "Look, how do you feel about Gary? Do you like him?"John raised his eyes. This was why he came to see her, wasn't it? "Yes," he admitted. "But Gary deserves better than me."Zari threw the whisky from his glass onto his face. "Bad boy!""What the fuck?!""Practice for when I finally turn you into a dog," Zari said matter-of-factly with a smirk on his face. "But that wasn't my question, we are not yet discussing what Gary deserves or not but how you feel about him."John cleaned his face with Zari's sheets as petty payback."What I'm getting is that you're falling for Gary but you're afraid of what it means to Desmond who we're still trying to rescue.""You got it right, pet.""You know that moving on doesn't mean that what you had with Desmond was any less real, right? It just means that life happened. It isn't being unloyal, it just means being human and living life. It isn't that you're giving up on him, it just means that you're allowing your heart to heal.""It easy to hear but not believe," John sighed, his eyes red with tears."You know," and emotion surged up in Zari's voice, "it wasn't easy to accept that the people in this ship were my family. It felt like betraying my parents and my brother, and definitely as something that I didn't deserve. But I had help," she said pointing at the ceiling, "and eventually I had no option but to acknowledge that this team of misfits and broken people were my family. But I accepted it. I can't go back in time to save my family and I moved on. I still keep an eye open for a loophole but I accepted my reality. I realized that moving on isn't forgetting. So I know what I'm saying when I tell you that moving on doesn't mean you won't continue to try to save Desmond, it just means you're willing to heal.""Thank you," John said and the look they exchanged was earnest and enough for both of them."So… how are you planning on winning Gary back?" Zari said with a devilish smile.This time John did spill the alcohol from his mouth..In the end, it wasn't that much of a plan. He was in front of Gary's door with a bunch of flowers in his hands - that Zari had insisted he had to actually buy not make Gideon fabricate them. He didn't know if Gary liked flowers and he had already forgotten their name. He chose some blue ones that reminded John of Beebo. Gary liked Beebo, right?John knocked on Gary's door. He heard him shout and his approaching footsteps. His hands became sweaty. This was a mistake, he should have planned better. Gary surely hated him. Gary deserved better. Gary wouldn't forg–Gary opened the door."John," he exclaimed surprised but there was no anger in his eyes, no hate. Instead he seemed elated to see John."I brought you flowers," John blurted out, and God, where was all of his bravado. "I mean, I would like to speak with you. Can I come in, lo–?"John stopped himself, he didn't have the right to call Gary right. Even though he used the term with pretty much everyone, it didn't feel appropriate now. Judging by the minuscule change in Gary's expression, he had noticed."Sure, let me get a vase for the flowers.""Gary, wait," John begged because he couldn't let one more second pass. He left the flowers on the table that Gary had for the keys next to the door and grabbed his hands. Gary was still in his suit from work having arrived home not long ago. John stared at Gary's hands, the long delicate fingers. Gary had sexy hands. Had John appreciated them enough while they were together? He doubted it."I wanted to apologize, the way I treated you, it wasn't right. I shouldn't have used you and dumped you afterwards like that. I know I don't deserve forgiveness for that, specially from someone like you," and John finally had the courage to look Gary into his eyes because Gary deserved at least that. "But I want to repair it to you, if you let me."For John's great disappointment, Gary stepped back removing his hands from John's."John," and there was a warning in his trembling voice. "What are you trying to say?"John ignored the pang in his heart, he deserved this. "I– I'm trying to say that I like you and I'm sorry and I don't deserve you and–""John," Gary interrupted him sternly. "Stop, please," but his voice was vulnerable. "Don't give me hope again, it took me a long time to get over you and I don't want to go through it again."His eyes stung and John fought it. "Are you truly over me?"Gary gave him a pitiful look that seeped deep into John's heart. "No," Gary admitted weakly, tears falling down his cheeks."Thank God," John managed to say before he was stepping forward, his hands shooting for Gary's neck and hair and kissed him. He hadn't been able to resist it. He lost himself in the feel of Gary's curls in his hands, the texture of those beautiful lips. But he got back to himself and immediately regretted how he had overstepped his boundaries.He was about to move back when Gary's hands took hold of his head and kissed him back. They had to talk and they had to do things right. But first, he needed this. He needed to lose himself in the feeling of Gary's body against his. Gary seemed to be on the same page for the way he was clutching at him.John almost couldn't believe that he thought on giving this up.But eventually they had to break apart. Gary brought a hand to John's chest to keep him apart."I'm sorry I couldn't love you as you deserve before," John breathed, their foreheads together."John," Gary whined. "Please, I don't want you to break my heart again.""I can't promise you I won't screw up because I'm too damaged for it. But I can promise you that I'll do my damn best to repay you for what I did and that this is it for me."Gary sobbed and John couldn't help but to clean the tears that fell down his cheeks with his thumb. "When the Legends manage to save Desmond you will go back to him and I…"This was John's test, the moment where he had to admit the truth out loud. It was the most scariest and difficult thing. But he would do it, for Gary.He grabbed Gary's head and made sure that Gary was looking him in the eyes. This kind of confession needed a direct line between them."Look, squire, after losing Dez I wasn't expecting to fall for you but I did. I still love Dez but I–" tears were falling freely from John's eyes. "I moved on to you. And even if we manage to save him, I won't go back to him. I want this with you. I won't lie and say it doesn't fill me with guilt but I'm willing to overcome it and find whatever happiness I can with you if you so want it, even when I don't deserve it."Gary sobbed and John held him. They eventually found their way to the floor, Gary crying into John's arms. John spoke soft sweet anothings onto Gary's ear until his crying subsided. They lied like that for a while in silence, both in a swirl of thoughts."Do you mean it?" Gary asked weakly after some time, staring straight ahead at the floor, his head resting on John's chest."It scares me how much I do," John answered, voice rough.Gary straightened himself up to stare at John's eyes. His eyes and nose were red from crying, but to John he looked beautiful."Would you come to bed with me?" Gary asked. He then suddenly opened his eyes big, realizing the implications of what he asked. "I mean, just to sleep. I'm not– ready for the other stuff quite yet."John laughed. "Of course I will, darling, and don't worry, I won't rush you into anything. I'm not here into it for that. I want anything you can give me."Gary laughed. "Funny, that's was me the last time." His chest expanded, filling it with air that rushed all out in a heavy sigh. "If we are truly doing this, then– then I want you to ask me for stuff. I– I realize now that I also screwed up. I was willing to take whatever you could give me and I didn't dare to ask for anything because I already thought it a miracle that someone like you would ever even notice someone like me. And that wasn't right. You used me, but I let you. This–" Gary grabbed John's hand in his. "This is supposed to be a two way street."John kissed him once softly on the lips. "Okay," he agreed. "But tonight I'm just happy with sleeping next to you."Gary smiled.John's heart sung. That smile was the first thing he had fallen in love with. Gary dragged him to his bedroom and after giving John a set of pajamas, he rushed to the bathroom to wash his face and get changed.The domesticity of all of this was complicated on John. His self-hatred was such that waves of guilt hit him, telling him he was the worst for moving on from Desmond. But John made the active effort of remembering Zari's words. He was confident that with Gary they will reassure and help one another. And a small part of him, the part that saw himself as he truly was, knew Desmond sacrificed himself so he could be happy.Gary finally emerged from the bathroom and once they were both lying under the sheets. John asked, "can I kiss you?""Always."John kissed him softly, reverently, slowly. Relishing in the fact that they would have many more kisses. He fell asleep with the taste of Gary's lips in his..They woke up with Gary's alarm on his phone. Automatically, Gary touched the alarm off and turned back to borrow further into John's embrace. John was already alert, when he opened his eyes and saw Gary, he remembered what had happened and the rush of adrenaline at the implications had woke him up fully. But he had relaxed immediately, enjoying the cuddly morning Gary who touched snooze three times before finally getting up reluctantly.But when time passed and the alarm didn't rang again, John slowly shaked Gary and whispered in his ear. "Come on, darling, you gotta get up for work."Gary shook his head. "Not going. Gonna call in sick," he burrowed even further into John's arms. "Gonna stay with you.""Come on, Gary, you're responsible and you're gonna feel bad if you miss work." John kissed him on the lips softly. "Go to shower and I'm gonna prepare you a tasty breakfast.""Food," Gary whined, his stomach already rumbling.John laughed. "Yeah, that's it, come on, darling."Finally Gary gave in and got up. His sleepy expression melted John's heart and he wondered how he ever thought he could live without it.Truth be told, Gary's idea of spending the day together was enticing. But with their confessions from the night before, John didn't want them to spend the day together out of fear that whatever spell they had would be broken when they separated. He needed to prove that this wasn't a fluke, some mini-holiday where they could be open to one another, to separate and close themselves off again afterwards. It needed the test of routine, of having to chose this constantly.They needed the domesticity.Gary needed to see that John was actively choosing this, that he was committed to them. And John, well, he had to prove himself that he was ready. That he had accepted that he had moved on to Gary.He was lost in thought, thinking how much he wanted this to work when he realized he was halfway preparing breakfast. Breakfast for another man. It hit him how right it felt. Which was significant considering that the last person he had shared this particular domesticity, well, he was in Hell.The wave of guilt and heartbreak rose in him like a wave but it never broke. It just fell down again, disappearing into the shores of his heart. He finished cooking with glee, a certain lightness to his step. This felt right.Gary got out of the shower with a robe on, his hair still wet and dripping. John had pondered about Gary's habit of eating breakfast with a robe the last time they had spent a morning together. For Gary's it was safer not sullying his suit with breakfast food, prone to accidents as he was. John had laughed then and now he smiled tenderly at the image his still half-asleep boyfriend made in his robe while he sat at the table.John went to him with the coffee and dropped a kiss on his forehead. He wanted to bury his hands in Gary's hair, disrobe him until he was wet for entirely different reasons. But he contained himself and instead sat next to him to have breakfast together while he watched how with each sip of coffee sleepiness left Gary.Then Gary went to dress himself while John stayed in the kitchen washing the dishes."Well, I'm leaving for work," Gary said awkwardly.The hesitation was palpable in the air as well as the unvoiced question, 'will you be here afterwards?'John was hit with the very same anxiety, afraid that in this impermanent life there would be no more of this. He strode towards him and kissed him deeply. It was a desperate kiss full of promise and devotion.John stepped back, in love with the way Gary chased after him until he stopped himself. He made sure to look him in the eye."I love you, Gary," he said. He had originally planned to say it in a more romantic situation. But instead, he needed Gary to hear it now. To make sure that Gary knew exactly how he felt about him for real. "I love you and I'll be here when you're back."Gary had begun crying, "John," he whispered weakly, as if he couldn't believe what he heard."I love you, darling, and if I'm not here is because I'm caught up in a mission with the Legends not because I won't want to be here."There was a smile in between Gary's tears. "I love you too."They kissed again, and even with the salt of what were mostly Gary's tears, it was the best kiss John had ever had."You're gonna be late for work," John argued afterwards."I do have a Time Courier," Gary said making John laugh..In the end, Gary left a few minutes later while John returned to the Waverider. He was good at hiding behind a thousand walls of repression so it was easy to hide to the rest of the team the giddiness that rekindling his relationship with Gary gave him. Nobody, suspected anything, which was good, he wanted a bit more time before he let the rest of the team know that he was serious with Gary.Of course, the universe hated John Constantine so when he heard Sara calling after him in a tone that forbade trouble, he knew his luck had run out."John Harold Constantine, come here this very second!" Sara shouted to him from the captain's quarters."Yes, mum," John replied coming to her from the library."I'm not your mother," Sara argued giving him a dirty glare."You just called me by my full name with a scolding tone," John said with a teasing smile. Deflection fully engaged."I'm not- Constantine stop deflecting," Sara said scandalized."Time Mom," John continued to tease her.But this time Sara didn't took the bait."We're still gonna talk about what are you doing with Gary."John sighed, he thought about denying. He really thought about it. But then he remembered the way Gary's eyes had shone when he had told him he loved him. To Hell with it."What I'm doing with Gary? Dating him?" just because he was willing to admit it didn't mean he wasn't going to be an ass about it."Dating him? Look, Ava told me how excited he was today at work because you had gone to his house last night and stayed there. And I'm not one to tell you what bed to visit but don't do this to Gary, okay?""Look, I'm glad your mum instincts extend over to Gary, but I'm not– this is different, love. I'm– I'm in it for real with him.""John, we're all working ina a way to save your boyfriend. Don't play with me."He sighed. "I won't repeat what I confessed to Gary already. But I won't be going back to Desmond once we save him. I am desperate for rescuing him, yes. But I don't plan to let go of Gary. I'm not making that mistake again. Look, love, I'm really glad you feel protective of Gary, he deserves that and more. But what we have, that's for the two of us."Sara sighed. "You're right, and I don't want to get in the middle of you two. But it is my duty to warn you that if you hurt Gary again-""You'll have my ass in a casket?" John interrupted her.Sara laughed. "No, Ava will. I'll just sit back and watch."."John, are you here?" Gary said opening the door to his apartment.Silence met him. He investigated the rooms, but they were empty save for Prince Zuko who meowed at him before bumping his face into his leg. Gary tried really hard to not be disappointed, to remember John's words. He tried to rationalize it and not panic, or rather not fall into a depressive episode.But then he remembered that the Legends had not reported any ongoing problems before he left the Bureau. And he couldn't help but to start wondering if John had truly changed his mind or if it had only been just an attempt at getting laid. He couldn't help but to feel like a failure. That this was all he deserved, an empty apartment and a stone in his heart.A familiar sound broke the silence, and then an even more familiar, and dear, voice."–piece of crap."John stepped out from the Waverider into the living room of Gary's apartment. He raised his eyes, surprised to see Gary in there."You're already here," John said with a raspy voice. "I couldn't make this crap work, I can understand spells in five dead languages but this takes the cake. I–" he then noticed the lingering sadness in Gary's eyes, the one most people wouldn't recognize behind his surprised grin. "Fuck, I didn't notice I spent so much time struggling with this clock. I could have time traveled. I didn't want you to arrive here and doubt. I'm s–""You came back," Gary interrupted him, his grin still on, but cleaner this time."Yes, sorry I made you dou–"But Gary interrupted him again, this time with a kiss that John promptly returned. John's hands went immediately to his waist pulling him close, aligning their bodies together."I'm ready," Gary panted into his ear when they broke apart."You don't have to–""I want to," Gary said in a breath before devouring John again with another kiss."Okay, okay," John agreed aroused, breathless and dashedly in love.They walked towards Gary's bedroom with their lips attached together, their hands exploring what they could through their clothes. They lost the most outer layers on the short way and they fell on the bed with a short giggle from John.God, he was in love.He loved how he could put his guard down with him, how he was allowed to let out this giddy playful side of him. Sex before had been about lust, about passion. Even with Desmond and all the love there had been.This, this was about sharing.While he looked at the joy and love in Gary's eyes and that blinding smile that was his undoing, John felt like the inexperienced one. Sure, he had had more lovers that he could count, and Gary had only had had sex with him a couple of times. But Gary was teaching John how to laugh in bed. How to whisper and giggle with each removed piece of clothing, how to caress and kiss skin while smiling.After a while, they were just in their underwear, and Gary was straddling him, looking down at him and smiling. God, the way that smile undid him."Fuck me, please, fuck me," John begged, needing to feel Gary's love all around him."John, you're so perfect," Gary whispered before moving down to kiss him.They fumbled a bit while they removed their underwear and Gary went for the lube and a condom. Gary peppered John with little kisses every now and then that had John smiling and laughing. Finally, Gary had two fingers lubed and he inserted them slowly into John. He kissed him and praised him while he prepared him, thanking him for coming back into his life, for giving them a chance."Darling, no," John choked up, tears creeping in the corners of his eyes, "you don't have to thank me. I- Thank you, for taking me back, for not giving up on me."Gary removed his fingers, he held John's face with his clean hand and held his bicep with the other one. He hid his face on John's chest for a few seconds before looking up. "I love you, John. I loved for a long time and I'm so happy now."The tears now fell from John's eyes and he marveled how with Gary he could from laughing to this. "I love you too, darling, it took me a while to get my head out of my arse, but I love you too."Gary smiled brightly at him, and kissed him. "Are you ready?" he asked afterwards.John nodded with a smile of his own. Gary tried and failed to open the condom wrapper so John took it from him - not before giving a kiss to his knuckles - and opened it for him. John rolled it into him while they laughed and joked around, and then Gary lubed himself.This was what John wanted, what he needed. Gary all around him, surrounding him with his love. Inside him, driving into him, carving himself a home forever in his heart. They looked at each other in the eyes, and through the pleasure, John smiled. Gary kissed him in response and grinned when they drew apart to gather air.John buried one of his hands on Gary's sweaty hair, and clung with the other to his back while Gary drilled into him, his own back arching in pleasure. He moaned and sighed, trying to keep his eyes open to look at Gary, to not lose that connection."You're perfect, John," Gary said, voice awed."You- you are, darling," John moaned back, but it didn't seem like enough. "I love you, darling," John said because he wasn't sure if it was clear enough and it had to be. Gary had to know, had to be absolutely sure.Gary's hips stuttered in their rhythm. "I love you too, so much," and he was so glad he was allowed to say it. "I'm close.""Come, darling, come," John whined, arching higher, their naked sweaty chests sliding together.Gary jerked him off but only managed a couple of tugs before he was coming inside of him with a shout. John moaned, loving the sight and feeling of Gary's pleasure. When Gary's eyes regained focus, he smiled at him and kissed him. He continued to stroke him with a slack hand but that to John it was more than enough.He came chanting Gary's name.After a while, when their breathings had quieted down, Gary spoke. "Is this real?""Of course it's real, squire," John said. "I know we just had mind blowing sex but yes, it's real.""No, I mean, are we really trying this?" he raised himself from John's chest to look at him better. "Are we- are we gonna be boyfriends and all that?""Is that what you want us to be?""I- I just want to know what to expect, I- don't want to hope for more than what it is this time.""Darling, I want it everything with you. I don't think I'll be able to give you a family and kids, I have too much of a cursed life and- but if by any chance I have the chance to grow old, I'd love to have the opportunity of doing it next to you.""I would love that too," Gary replied with a soft smile.After one more kiss, Gary rested his head on John's chest again for some more time until he raised it again."Does this mean marriage is on the table?"John gulped, his eyes going wide. Gary laughed at him until John joined him.