Work Text
Chapter One Evan Hansen almost had a good day.It was his last day of Junior year. He stayed up until 3 in the morning playing League of Legends online with Jared, who only lived one house over. He managed to escape his mother’s start-of-school affirmations, or rants as Evan preferred to say, about getting better and avoiding those cause trouble. It was surprisingly easy. All Evan had to do was promise to write a “Dear Evan” letter for his therapist appointment today and swear to avoid Connor Murphy. His mother smiled, messed up his hair, and then told him to run off so he wouldn’t make Jared late.It wasn’t until after lunch that Evan’s day went to shit. He was just deleting the file of his letter off the school computer when he felt a sharp tap on his shoulder. Evan turned to see Connor Murphy behind him, hair tucked messily behind his ear. He smirked.“Can I help you?” Evan asked through gritted teeth. One out of two kept promises isn’t bad.“Dear Evan Hansen,” Connor started, waving piece of paper. “Today –“Evan quickly grabbed for it but Connor pulled it away quickly. “Give that back!” Evan shouted.“No way,” Connor laughed. “I’ve not even read it yet.”Evan sighed. He didn’t want to get into a fight on the last day of school. He and Connor were infamous for fighting. For the past three years, people would gather to watch “Hansen v. Murphy” battle it out in the hallways, at lunch, or really anywhere. Most of the time, Evan never knew what they were fighting about. He just knew that he would take his anger out on Connor and Connor seemed to do the same for him.However, since Evan had been seeing a therapist for the latter half of the year, the fights had calmed down. Evan no longer sought out Connor and he had been able to escape the situation whenever Connor seemed off. Instead of spending most of his free time in detentions in school for three hours, because that’s what they were up to, he would spend his time talking through his problems. Progress.Sometimes he couldn’t escape his past though. He had a feeling this was going to be one of those times.“It’s not for you to read, Murphy,” Evan told him.Connor rolled his eyes and turned away from Evan. “Today was the last of school and it was a good day. I ditched first period with Jared and got milkshakes from A la Mode and we ran into Zoe who is so different from her brother. I mean that in the best way – hey!”“Like I said,” Evan fumed. “It’s not for you to read.”Connor narrowed his eyes at Evan. “So, you write to yourself?”Evan quickly shoved the letter into his bag. He didn’t need Connor reading on where Evan wrote that he used to have a crush on Zoe and that he thinks they’d be good friends if it wasn’t for Connor existing. Nor the paragraph where Evan actually talked about Connor.“Stay away from my sister, Hansen.” Connor warned.“Or what?” Evan laughed. “She’s a big girl and can decide her friends.”“Not if they’re you,” Connor replied. “Though she has been one for helping the poor.”“I’m not –“ Evan started but then stopped, remembering his promise for a good day. His mom worked long hours at the hospital so she could support them and put herself through school before Evan finished high school and started college. They weren't rich, but they’re weren't poor either.Connor stepped forward and spoke in a soft but menacing tone, “Aren’t what?” “No,” Evan declared, grabbing his things. “You’re not. Worth it.”“Excuse me?” Connor said, stepping close in front of Evan.Evan went to move past Connor, but the boy had checked his shoulder. “Bye,” Evan said.Connor responded by grabbing Evan's arm and swinging. His fist collided with Evan’s temple and Evan thought he saw stars. He heard someone yell “FIGHT!” and then everything after that was a blur.What detention could the school give on the last day of school anyway?_______________________________________ Apparently, schools do find a way to punish students who get into trouble on the last day of school. And actually, as Evan was surprised to learn, they do indeed give detention. However, because it was their 30th fight – which, damn – of their high school career, the principal suggested a new version of punishment.Instead of detention for a day, Evan and Connor would be working at the school’s summer program. It's held by the town at the high school for elementary and middle school kids. They have to go every weekday for the last week of August. It’s supposed to get the kids prepared for the upcoming school year, but from what Evan heard, it’s not much different than all day recess. It’s pretty common for juniors to work because it looks good on a college application and it’s only until 1:00pm. Mrs. White, their principal, said it was something that she believed was going to be more effective for the long-term. All parents agreed.Evan wanted to argue. He picked up hours in the local park during the summers. He loved it because he loved trees. Also, he really couldn’t see how it was going to help anything by making him see Connor. However, Evan didn’t think he wanted to question four voices of authority.It didn’t turn out too bad for Evan though, since Jared was going to be working there as well.“Dude, it sucks for you because of your weird tree fetish,” Jared said when Evan called him later that night. “But it’s awesome for our bromance.”Evan wasn't quite sure he agreed.Evan was anxious but also oddly relaxed when he walked through the school parking lot on the last Monday of the summer. The program didn’t open till 8, but they had to meet at 7.Evan had had a really productive summer. He saw his therapist twice a week, turned 18, got his anxiety medication in check, interned at the forest park, and discovered a brand new hobby: running.Running was great for his mental health. Evan would go for a run about three or four times a week. It allowed him to find a healthy outlet for the overwhelming amount of fear his mind produced on a daily basis. Running also allowed him to get healthier, physically speaking. Evan saw the scale go up as his pant size went down. He gained muscle. When he looked in the mirror, he no longer saw a weak and lanky teenager. He saw a lean and toned adult, but with a baby face. Evan couldn’t lose his cheeks no matter how much cauliflower rice he ate.Regardless of his chubby cheeks, Evan felt brand new.However, he was anxious to see Connor. Jared spent the morning filling the emptiness with conversations about nothing, but it still didn’t help. Evan felt his anxiety just festering inside of him. It was like taking two steps back mentally.When they reached the auditorium, they signed in and were given their shirts. Jared got orange and Connor got light blue. Then they were given a bag filled with a pen, a lanyard with their name on it, and a reusable water bottle. “Swanky gifts,” Jared commented when they sat down with the rest of the volunteers. Evan saw Connor in the far back corner of the group. He was sitting with Zoe, who looked like she wanted to be anywhere else.“Hi, everyone!” Alana said, walking in with a cheerful smile. “Going forward, we’ll meet only fifteen minutes beforehand so you can sleep in for a little longer, but today we’re just going to be discussing rules and responsibilities. Any questions?”Nobody responded so Alana jumped into a thirty minute monologue of rules and expectations. Evan almost fell asleep. How hard could it be to take care of kids?“Now,” Alana continued. “Let’s move on to who gets what group!”“How’d you decide that?” someone asked.“I didn’t,” Alana said, sounding apologetic. “I’m just given the information. The school administration coordinates it all. Your t-shirt color matches with your co-leader of your group. There’s two or three to a group depending on the size of the group.”Everyone looked around quickly to see who they were going to be partnered with. Jared was happy that he was placed into a group with Jack, this kid from Jared’s AP American History class. Evan looked to Zoe and spotted a light blue shirt on the bleacher in front of her. Instantly, Evan felt relieved. He really thought the school was going to pair him with Connor.“You guys can go to your stations, if you’d like.” Alana told them. “There’s a list of the names, allergies, medical issues, and contact numbers – if you need that. Anything you need to know. We’re opening the doors in 15.”Jared said goodbye to Evan and ran over to his partner. Evan slowly made his way to his station. He had third graders. Which was okay because they were past the point of accidents, right? God, how old were third graders?“Hansen.”Evan whipped around to see Connor standing in front of him. He was stood awkwardly, but his expression could kill. He was wearing a light blue shirt like Evan. Were they a group of three?“Uh…” Evan blanked, anxiety catching in his throat. “Hi.”“Evan! Hey!” a voice called. He looked past Connor and saw Zoe walking up with a genuine smile of her face. “You look amazing.”“Thanks, Zoe.” Evan greeted. “How are you?”“Better now that I can ditch this popsicle stand,” she laughed. “Sucks having to babysit.”She turned to her brother. “I’ve told Alana to text me if there’s any issues.”“There won’t be,” Connor told her in a low voice.“You better hope not because dad said –““I said,” Connor told her. He side-eyed Evan. “There won’t be.”“Good.” Zoe smiled. “Take care, Ev.”“B-bye,” Evan stuttered. She was leaving. He was in a group of two. With Connor. Evan felt the blood rush to his head.Connor turned back to him after watching his sister walk away. He had a disgusted look on his face. “Ev.”Evan kind of sorta wanted to die. The day passed surprisingly without much incident. Connor stuck to the tasks Evan wasn’t doing. They both were very aware that all eyes were on them, least as far as their peers were concerned.After the camp closed, Evan met up with Jared. He was talking to a group of volunteers outside by the flagpole.“Dude,” Jared laughed when he saw Evan. “I can’t believe they did that!”“I know,” Evan nodded, letting out a shaky breath. It felt good. For the first time all day, he felt like he could breathe. Being around Connor was too much for Evan sometimes. After all the years of fighting, Evan had become very aware of whatever Connor did when they’re were close proximity. Evan was always on alert.“I thought I got partnered with Zoe,” Evan explained. “But then she left.”“Don’t sound too happy about it,” a voice behind Evan said. A folded packet hit Evan lightly in the head. “Connor,” Jared exclaimed. “Love the hair! Very school-shooter chic.”Connor just stared at him. “Wow.”Evan rolled his eyes at Jared’s stupidity as the rest of their classmates all but ran away.“Take a joke, much?” Jared laughed uncomfortably. Evan forced a laugh rising from his chest down.“I’m laughing,” Connor deadpanned. His eyes were dead and cold. “Can’t you see me laughing?” Jared looked down at the ground and then back up. He looked to Evan, but Evan didn’t voice his help. He’d probably make it worse anyway. Suddenly, Jared pointed to nobody and then ran away.“Your friend is an ass,” Connor told Evan, watching Jared run away. “But so are you so that makes sense.”“At least I have a friend,” Evan shot back easily, leaning down to pick up the piece of paper.Connor reacted quicker than Evan anticipated because before he knew it, he was laying flat against the concrete.Evan grunted, kicking at Connor’s knees in response. When Connor fell, Evan quickly straddled him, pinning Connor’s arms to the sidewalk.“What the fuck is your deal?” Evan demanded. "Honestly."“Fuck you,” Connor spit back, struggling to free his arms. Evan just leaned more of his weight into the idiot boy beneath him. By this point, knowing how to restrain Connor was like second nature.“Do you really want to make this summer worse than it’s already going to be?” Evan asked.Connor responded by pushing himself upwards. “Jesus,” Evan mumbled. He almost lost his grip.Connor struggled beneath him for a few more seconds before Evan had enough.“Stop fighting me!” Evan yelled, pushing the entire weight of his body into Connor’s hips. Connor eyes widened at the movement and he instantly froze.“Get off me,” Connor told Evan in a low voice. It wasn’t the scary tone that Connor normally does when he’s about to punch Evan, it was a different tone Evan had never heard before.“Get off me now,” Connor said again. This time the words sounded a little more rushed.However, Evan still hesitated. What if this was a trick? Connor could be slightly crazy and unpredictable at times.Evan relaxed a bit, slowly shifting his weight off Connor but still applying enough pressure to stay in control, just in case Connor decided on a surprise attack. Connor didn’t move or say a word.As Evan went to let go of Connor’s arms, he shifted back a bit and froze, much like Connor did before. Connor quickly shut his eyes.Connor was aroused. At Evan. Evan instinctively shifted from the sensation, making Connor suck a deep breath in.“Oh,” Evan said dumbly. He heard Jared beep his horn frantically in the background.“Please,” Connor said tensely. Evan had never heard that word come out of Connor’s mouth before. “Now.”In the same moment Evan scrambled off of Connor, Connor stood up. Evan watched from the ground, stunned, as Connor quickly walked to his car in the back of the parking lot. Oh.“Dude!” Jared yelled in between beeps. “Are you good?”Evan grabbed the packet from next to him and stood up. “I think?”“Then let’s go!” Jared said. “I want to stop at Burger King!”As Jared and Evan pulled out of the lot, Evan spotted Connor still in his car at the back of the lot, scribbling in a notebook. Jared beeped and gave Connor the finger. Connor didn’t seem to notice, as his eyes were locked with Evan’s. They looked furious. Evan quickly looked down.What the fuck just happened?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Two. As Evan was walking with Jared into the auditorium the following morning, he felt extremely tired. He was up all night long thinking about what had happened.It wasn’t the fact that it was a huge deal. Evan was all too aware that the body sometimes has a mind of its own. He didn’t even mind that it was a guy - Evan knew he was attracted to men a long time ago. Thank you, Darren Criss. However, when Evan thought about the details, like it was Connor Murphy who got aroused underneath him, that’s when everything got a bit too overwhelming.He tried writing to himself, but he only got as far as:
Dear Evan Hansen,
Today was a…weird day. By a twist of cruel fate, aka school officials, I got partnered with Connor in the summer camp program. It went okay. Connor and I remained civil while camp was in session. It was difficult but we managed that. At the end of the day, however, things went south. I just want to say it was all Connor’s fault. He punched me. And then he got hard. And now this is weird. See what I mean? Weird day. I got to go.
Sincerely,
Me
Evan printed the letter out and stuck it in his backpack. He couldn’t risk his mom coming home and snooping through his computer, looking to see if he had written a letter like he was supposed to do every night. Then he went for a run.“Do you think you and Murphy will fight again today?” Jared asked as they were settling in. “Few are betting on it and I want in.”“We didn’t even fight yesterday,” Evan muttered. Though they probably would have if the incident didn’t occur. Evan felt his face get warm. He looked around for Connor. He wasn’t in yet it seemed, but he still had time to stroll through the door.“It’s only a matter of time though.” Jared said. “I’d bet on you winning now that you’re jacked.”“You’re an asshole,” Evan told him, repeating Connor’s sentiments from yesterday. “You know that?”Jared rolled his eyes. “I’d be fucking stupid not to use my in.”“Well,” Evan drawled. “If it’s only a matter of time, I’ll do you solid today.” “Really?!” Jared asked excitedly, voice rising to an ungodly level for the morning.“No!” Evan exclaimed, matching Jared's pitch.“Okay guys,” Alana called from where she was sitting at a table in front of the bleachers. “Doors open soon."“You’re the asshole, Evan.” Jared whined standing up and nodding at his partner. “We could have split the money.”“Tempting,” Evan said, rolling his eyes. He got up walked over to his table. Connor still wasn’t in and Evan was worried that he wouldn’t show up. As much as Evan didn’t want to face Connor, he even less wanted to take care of children by himself. What would Evan say to Connor? Would they acknowledge what happened? Talk about it? Fight about it? Evan didn’t know.He checked his phone. 6:58.“Evan, Connor” Alana waved, walking over. Evan shoved his phone in his pocket and looked behind him confused. Connor was standing a few feet away, leaning against the padded walls that were for those contact sports Evan knew nothing about. “We are going to take the kids outside today. It’s a nice day for it.”“Sounds good.” Connor spoke. Evan just stared at him. How long had he been there?“Great!” Alana smiled, walking away to tell the next group.Great, Evan thought. _______________________________________ Being outside wasn’t as terrible as Evan thought it would be. It was actually a bit of a relief. Nobody had to stick with their group or partner, so he didn’t have to be confined to close quarters with Connor. Metaphorically and literally, being outside was a breath of fresh air.Evan stuck with Jared, obviously, who at the moment was trying to chat up Keli, some girl from Evan’s AP History class. She was a smart, pretty brunette who would always allow Evan to borrow notes when he would find himself in the office. She seemed sympathetic and kind. And for those two things alone, she was way out of Jared’s league. Evan zoned out as Jared launched into a joke about a priest and a bar that he was probably going to spin into a pickup line. He looked out at the playground, trying to see if he could find a kid to go yell at so he could excuse himself from his current situation.On the far side of the playground was Connor, sitting on a bench by himself. He was watching the playground with a bored look on his face. Evan noticed him idly picking at the hem of his shirt. It reminded him of Zoe, who would always scribble on the cuffs of her jeans as they were waiting for jazz band to start.It was strange for Evan to notice the similarities and odd habits between Connor and Zoe. Evan thought it was an endearing tick with Zoe. With Connor, it was weird to see him be so human. Evan wasn’t sure if it was a good thing. Keep him the enemy and everything is so much easier to ignore.“Are you thinking about money that you refused?” Jared asked, sliding up with a smirk on his face.“Are you thinking about the number that Keli refused you?” Evan shot back.“Her loss,” Jared shrugged. Evan laughed. "I'm not," Evan answered. “Then,” Jared continued. “Why are you studying Connor like he’s the Mona Lisa?”“I’m not…” Evan repeated. Then he sighed. He could tell Jared. Right? “Can I tell you something? Something you can’t tell anyone.”Jared frowned, folding his arms across his chest. "I always keep secrets.” “You are actually pretty horrible at keeping them,” Evan corrected. “And I can kill you now, so....”“Spill it, muscles.”"Okay," Evan took a deep breath. “Something happened yesterday during the fight.”“Okay?” Jared looked confused. “Like, this…” Evan said, gesturing to his lower half and raised his eyebrows in an obvious way. "This happened."“Dude!” Jared exclaimed, punching Evan in the stomach. “You didn’t!”He knew he probably shouldn’t tell Jared that much of the truth as he would more likely keep a secret for Evan than for Connor. “It wasn’t intentional.” “How are you not dead from that happening?” Jared laughed. “I didn’t know you swung that way.”Evan shrugged helplessly. He didn't realize he hadn't had this talk with Jared yet. “It’s cool,” Jared smiled, making Evan feel a little bit better. "Thanks," Evan replied. It was nice to know his best friend had his back. “So," Jared said. "Do you think he’s you know…good looking?”“I…” Evan stopped. Did he? He looked over at Connor, who was now looking toward the trail beyond the parking lot.In the three months of summer, Connor had changed a bit. His hair had gotten longer over the summer, coming down past his eyes. His shoulders seemed broader and his cheekbones were more pronounced. He looked older in small, subtle ways. Like Evan did. But at the same time, he was still the same. Like, his eyes were still a stormy blue color. Whenever he locked eyes with Evan, they reminded Evan of being outside right before the crack of thunder and lightning struck; just before the skies opened. He loved running in it.In Evan’s opinion, Connor didn’t look like his sister at all. Zoe was soft. She was warm. She was beautiful. Her blue eyes shone like the blue skies you see on those perfect summer days. Saying that, Evan always preferred the rain.“I guess,” Evan admitted to both himself and Jared. “He gets on my nerves more though.”Jared raised his eyebrows at the admission but didn’t say anything. Evan was thankful for that.“Is this why you didn’t want to fight him?” Jared said, glancing over at Connor. “Because it looks like he wants to fight you.”Evan looked back over too. Connor was staring at them. It didn’t look like Connor wanted to fight him, actually. It looked like Connor was deep in thought. He was probably wondering if they were talking about him; if Evan has told Jared what happened. As wrong as it probably was, Evan enjoyed having that leverage. Which was something to talk to his therapist about.“I don’t want to fight anyone anymore,” Evan replied. “I’m over it.”“Well,” Jared sighed. “I’ll remove my bets from the pool.”“I told you not to bet on me!”“Well, it seemed like a sure thing!”“Jared,” Evan scolded.Jared through his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay.”“Thank you.”“And if you want to ever talk more about that,” Jared said pointing to Connor. “Let me know.”Evan looked at Jared surprised. He knew Jared always had his back, despite being an idiot sometimes. However, he never really realized how nice Jared could be. Maybe he was growing.“And let me know when I can start betting on you guys making out,” Jared laughed.Or maybe not.Evan went to grab him but Jared had already taken off.“You’re a dumbass!” Evan yelled after him. Jared blew him a kiss in response._______________________________________ Later on that night, Evan was sat on at his desk working on his Calculus summer work. Math generally was something that Evan understood, so he decided to hold off till last minute. His English assignments got done before June was even over. Fuck that. Evan had to write enough letters to himself anyway.His phone vibrated next to him. It was a text message.Jared: A La Mode? Bacon burger and ice cream? Bunch of people going.Evan looked to his window and hesitated. On one hand, his mother left him $50.00 for food. On the other hand, it was meant for the week.Jared: I’ll buy if you bring your calc assignment.Evan slammed his book shut, shoved them in his bag, and shut off his light. By the time he was outside, Jared was leaning against his car in his parent’s driveway.“You actually brought your calc stuff,” Jared grimaced. “I said that because I saw you doing it.”“That’s creepy,” Evan said, crossing over his own yard to Jared's car. He threw his soon-to-be-forgotten bag in the backseat.Jared shook his head. “No, Evan. That’s love.”_______________________________________ When they got to the A La Mode, they stood at the bar area because it was so packed. Tons of students from their high school were shoved into the small 50s themed diner’s inside and outside eating areas. Evan was sure the crowd was a fire hazard. They got their ice cream first and made their way through the restaurant and to the back door. Once outside, they spotted Alana at a long table filled with a few people from jazz club and the camp.“Hey guys,” Alana greeted when they walked over. “You made it!”Evan had no idea he had been invited, but alright.“Yup,” Jared said eagerly. “Dragged him here.”“Want to sit?” Alana asked them, motioning across from her. “Going to be tight, but we’ll be able to squeeze everyone in.”“Sure, that would be great.” Evan smiled at her. "Thanks." He sat down at the very end, while Jared took the spot next to Alana. Alana just moved her food closer to her and gave Jared a soft smile.“Who else is coming?” Jared asked, taking a sip of his milkshake. “I invited all of jazz club,” Alana said. “Zoe is on her way. She said she was bringing Connor.” Jared kicked his foot under the table and Evan nearly choked on the straw of his root beer float.“Don’t worry!” Alana reassured. “Zoe knows you might have been coming.”“Great…” Evan deadpanned. Not great. Not even good.“No problem,” Alana said obliviously, turning her attention back to the group._______________________________________ Connor didn’t show up until about 9, when the crowd around the diner had lessened due to younger crowd leaving. The group Evan was with had made their way inside as some complained it was getting too cold. Evan was all for it. He was hungry.When he walked in with Zoe, Evan felt his heart rate shoot up, but he brought it back down with a quick mantra his therapist taught him during one of his sessions. He was fine, the situation was fine, everything was fine. Connor hadn’t even looked at him yet. Yet. It was something for a later Evan to maybe worry about.“Hey, ya’ll!” Zoe drawled in a fake southern accent. The three booths they were all currently occupying replied back. Zoe spotted Evan and gave him a grin. “Do you guys have room for two in this booth?”“Uh,” Evan said, looking to Jared or Alana for help. Was Zoe not aware that her brother hated him? With like, probably every fiber of his being? However, Alana said sure and Jared just scooted over, throwing an arm around Evan and pressing them further into the wall of the booth.“Evan never minds being so close to me,” Jared smirked. “Sit.” Thankfully, both of the Murphy siblings slid in next to Alana. Zoe first, Connor second.Evan shook his head. “That is the biggest lie you’ve ever told.”“Shh,” Jared whispered, reaching up and putting a finger across Evan’s lips. He then looked up at Zoe and Connor. “I agree to buy Evan food and then he agrees to come to public events with me, so it’s just like we are dating.”Evan blushed and looked down. He wasn’t embarrassed by Jared’s actions or words, but at them he was reminded of the altercation he and Connor had where Connor called him poor.“Evan,” Zoe teased. “You can be bought that easily? Wish I’d known.”Evan blushed an even deeper tone of red and he really had to stop doing this now, please and thank you. Also, was Zoe flirting with him? Because that ship had sailed about a year ago for Evan. And after all that had happened recently, that ship would be better if it also got lost. He would never be able to kiss Zoe and not think of Connor beneath him. It would just not work.“Only when it’s Jared,” Evan managed to get out. “Speaking of, I want my turkey burger.”“And baked sweet potatoes wedges instead of regular,” Jared said, getting up. “I’m going.”“You know,” Alana spoke suddenly. “You probably could be dating Jared.”Evan let himself think about it for a moment. Ew. “Only if I didn’t have to kiss him.”“You have something about kissing boys,” Zoe said defensively. Evan was suddenly aware that she knew of Connor’s preference. Of course she did. If that was his preference, anyway. Evan didn’t know. Could have just been a response. “I, uh,” Evan spluttered, looking at Connor. Connor was looking intensely at the table in front of him. Evan continue to look at him anyway. He wanted Connor to know this was not something Evan was going to hold against him. “I just have an issue with kissing Jared.”At that he saw the end of Connor’s mouth go up and Evan felt warmth spread in his chest. He didn’t know if it was from making Connor smile or simply not pissing Connor off, but Evan let himself feel good about this thing he did.___________________________________________
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Three. The camp had designated Wednesday as summer work day. If the students had any left, they were encouraged to bring it. If they were done, they got to play outside. Almost all of Evan and Connor’s group had work to do, so they went into a classroom. Evan took the time in-between helping the kids to do his own Calculus work. Overall, it was a quiet day – much like Evan preferred. That was until Connor started to tap his finger against the desk over and over again. Evan tried so hard to ignore it. He really did.“Are you good?” Evan asked, motioning to the movement.Connor stopped for a second, gave Evan a look, and then resumed again. Evan huffed and tried to focus on his work. Connor tried his patience at the best of times. “Did you tell Jared?” Connor asked in a low voice, glancing at the kids. A few of them had looked up from the commotion. Evan opened his mouth and paused. “We can do this later.”Connor curled his hands into tight fists and closed his eyes. “I’ll fucking kill you, Hansen.”“Can’t wait,” Evan told him, while giving the kids in their group a positive smile. Can’t wait. After camp ended, Evan told Jared that he needed to talk to Connor. Jared gave him a thumbs and then asked if he should film it in case anything happened and they needed to prove Connor’s guilt. Evan nicely told him that he was dumb and to go wait in the car.Evan waited beneath the bleachers, which was also where he and Connor got into most of their fights during lunch time. Evan thought it was a fitting place to go if he was going to get into yet another fight with the boy before school even started.About five minutes later, Connor came out of the auditorium’s side door. Evan closed his eyes as he walked over, expecting the greeting to be in the form of a fist. However, no punch came and Evan opened his eyes to see Connor standing in front of him, hands deep within his sweatshirt pocket. “Tell me what you said,” Connor demanded, roughly.Evan took a deep breath. “I told Jared what happened –““Fuck!”“- but,” Evan rushed. “I told him it happened to me.”At that, Connor looked puzzled. “What?”“Like,” Evan continued, face reddening. “I told him that I got, you know, from you.”“You’re an idiot,” Connor told him. Evan was aware. “Why would you do that?”“Jared is much more likely to keep a secret for me than you,” Evan said. “I wouldn’t throw you under the bus like that, no matter how we feel about each other.”“Why not write one of those letters to yourself,” Connor asked. He sounded like he wanted the whole thing to go away.Same, Evan thought. “I tried.”“Not hard enough, clearly.”“Look,” Evan argued. “I trust Jared. He doesn’t know anything that makes you look bad.”Connor just glared at Evan, who at this point began collecting his bag off the floor.“Good talk,” Evan said, walking away. He was done with this conversation. He didn’t have to explain anything to Connor. Maybe Connor should learn how to control himself. Evan could tell anyone whatever he wanted.Connor let him leave for which Evan counted himself lucky. Out of all the ways the conversation could have gone, this outcome wasn’t so bad.--On the ride home, Jared couldn’t believe that Evan got away with it untouched. He kept looking at him and checking his knuckles for bruising, but nothing was wrong.“He must be super in love with you!”Evan laughed. “He literally tried to punch me in the face two fucking days ago.” Thursday was particularly uneventful for Evan.One, everyone went outside again. Alana said that if the weather held up, they’d probably be doing that again Friday. This meant that Evan only had to have responsibilities if someone needed him. Which was boring.Two, Connor didn’t seem to be at either odds or ends with him. He stuck to his own tasks much like he did Monday. It was weird but also nice for Evan to have a relaxing day free of any and all extra anxieties that he didn’t naturally come with.The only exciting thing that happened while at camp was Alana coming over at the end of the day and inviting both him and Connor to her party tomorrow night.“I’m hosting it for the workers here, for all your hard work, and for the jazz club.” Alana said. “So, you both are invited and Evan, you’re invited twice!”“Gee,” Evan said. “I’ll bring two gifts then.”“Gifts aren’t necessary,” Alana laughed. “And Connor, I’ve texted Zoe about it too!”“Well,” Connor drawled. “The Murphys will also be bringing two gifts, it seems.”Evan looked at him, but Connor was still addressing Alana. Did he just add on to Evan’s joke?Alana finally caught on and rolled her eyes. “No gifts, assholes.”When she walked away, Evan was fully expecting some eye contact with Connor. However, Connor just turned the other way and started to clean up for the end of camp.Huh. Interesting. Thursday night was a bit better. It was Taco Night in the Hansen household.Thursday Taco night was Evan and his mom’s way of doing Taco Tuesday because she had class every Tuesday night from 6-9. It was Evan’s favorite day of the week. Despite not seeing his mom too much, Evan was very close to her.He used to actually hate the fact that she was never home, but in therapy he discovered a newfound appreciation for his mom. Being left for another family and being refused child support could not have been easy. Working and going to school 6 out of 7 days a week could not be easy. Devoting every free moment you have to your child could not be easy. And yet, his mom made their life always seem so easy.His mom was his role model. He wanted to go for accounting so he could one day give her all she gave him.“So,” his mom said as they sat down on the couch. They had chosen to catch up on The Bachelor, which was her favorite show ever. Evan didn’t care for it much, but he could watch TV any other day of the week.“So,” Evan repeated, digging into his first taco.“Anything excited happening lately?” His mom asked.Evan thought about telling her, given nothing was off limits between them, but there was nothing major to tell. Thankfully, nothing had become of it.“Nope,” Evan said. “Camp is uneventful –““Which is a good thing,” his mom cut in. “You’re being civil.”“Sure,” Evan shrugged. “You can say that.”He wouldn’t, but she could.“I can’t believe you’re going to be a senior this year,” she gushed. “My baby is off to college soon.”“I’ll probably commute, mom.” Evan laughed. His mental health would never make it farther than an hour.She nodded. “Still, though. Your senior year!"“Yeah,” Evan agreed. “Alana is having a welcome back or goodbye summer party tomorrow night.”“Are you and Jared going?”“Yeah,” Evan said nodding. “I don’t know if there will be alcohol, but…”“Call me anytime.” His mom told him. “Or stay there. I don’t care. But check in either way.”“Deal.” Evan smiled. This is why he loved his mom. She was understanding and beyond patient. Everything Evan needed and probably didn’t deserve.“Now, let’s see which Amanda gets sent home.” Friday came and went in a blink of an eye and before Evan knew it, he and Jared were running to Target after camp so they could get bathing suits for the party. Neither of them had bathing suits that fit them, as neither one of them had a pool or lived in any closeness to a beach. All of Jared’s were apparently too short, and all of Evan’s were just too big.Evan picked out a pair of light blue shorts that came up to his thigh, purposely of course. Normally Evan wouldn’t spring on an outfit just for one party, but his mom left him $100 and these were on sale for $20. “Dude, what do you think?” Jared called, knocking on Evan’s dressing room. Evan opened it to find Jared dressed in a red one, similar to Evans, and a bucket hat.Jared gaped at Evan. “When the fuck did you get abs?”Evan raised an eyebrow at his facial expression. “I think it’s amazing people don’t actually suspect we are dating.”“I’m hoping to get with Alana tonight actually,” Jared smirked. “So, I hope she doesn’t secretly think that.” “Beck!?”“Yeah,” Jared shrugged. “I decided on her after Keli denied me.”Evan shook his head. “You’re a goddamn catch.”“We connected recently,” Jared grinned. “I think she’s perfect for me.”Evan didn’t agree quite agree with his best friend, but who was he to judge? His track record with anyone was a giant question mark.--They arrived at Alana’s around 6pm. Jared wanted to make an impression and Alana said that if they wanted to go in the pool, they had to come before the alcohol was being served. She was not having drunk teenagers in her pool drowning. Which was fair enough. Evan wouldn’t host any teenagers, drunk or not, and he didn’t even have a pool.Alana’s house was massive. Evan had been here a few times when Alana hosted after-concert parties, but he was always surprised at the size of it. Walking in to her living room, he was sure it was half the size of his entire house.“You’re the first ones here, but that’s okay.” Alana said, leading them out to her backyard. “You can get changed in the pool house if you want.” Evan’s mouth dropped when he saw what she had done with her backyard. She had set it up in a tiki design. Fire lamps lined the outer perimeter, there was a fire pit going, the bar was covered in masks and statues.“This is amazing,” Evan exclaimed taking it all in.“I figured the fire would keep the bugs away,” Alana told them. Of course she had a logical reason for everything. “Anyway, go change. You can go in the pool whenever.”Evan didn’t need to be told twice. He quickly changed and jumped in the pool. It was heated and Evan felt his whole body relax. After a summer of running, this felt really good.“Hey guys!” A voice yelled from the patio. Evan opened his eyes to see Zoe smiling at him, while her brother stood awkwardly out of place behind her. Evan didn’t want to think about why Connor was here. He didn’t want to know why he continued to show up to functions he would have otherwise, if the past three years were anything to go by, wouldn’t have been caught dead at. For all Evan knew, this could have had nothing to do with him. Maybe it was part of Connor’s punishment at home. To make friends. Maybe Zoe was blackmailing him somehow. Who knew? Not Evan. And it caused too much anxiety to worry about.“Hey, Zoe.” Evan waved back. “Connor.”“We came early to help Alana set up,” Zoe said, walking over to the edge of the pool. “And to use this magnificent thing.”“Do you think many will come early to swim?” Jared asked. He was floating in the shallow end of the pool.“I think that they’d be dumb not to,” Zoe answered, dipping her toe in. “I know most are coming around 7:30.”“Hey guys,” Alana called. “Can someone help set up the snack table?”“I’ll do it!” Jared exclaimed enthusiastically. He frantically jumped out of the pool, grabbed a towel, and rushed inside behind Alana. Evan watched him go with a frown. That was so obvious.“You should go help her,” Evan suggested to Zoe. “For…reasons.” Zoe looked to Connor and then back at Evan. She looked torn.“No fighting,” she said finally, walking away. Evan had half a mind to be insulted. He hardly ever started the drama - Connor did. However, that wouldn’t be an issue either because if the past two days were anything to go by, Connor’s new thing was pretending Evan didn’t exist.Instead of acknowledging Connor, Evan just began to swim some laps. He was amazed at how much he could do now without being burnt out. After what felt like an hour but in reality was only probably 20 minutes, Jared called for Evan to get some food.“Before it’s all gone!” Jared said, gesturing to the pre-made patties. “Pre-game!”Evan made did one more lap back and forth and then climbed out of the pool to find his towel hanging on the seat directly in front of where Connor was sitting. Evan sighed. Apparently Connor can avoid him but he can’t avoid Connor. Grabbing his towel, Evan dried his face and hair off first before wrapping it around his shoulders.He looked to Connor, who was determinedly at the ground. “Are we all sitting at this table then?” Evan frowned. He didn’t want to sit and feel awkward.“What?” Connor said, looking up. He looked flustered. “Okay,” Evan said slowly, trying to figure out why Connor would be blushing. “I’m…uh, I’ll be back.”Connor nodded, looking back down to the puddles Evan was making. Evan walked over the Jared.“Turkey burger?” Jared asked, handing Evan a plate.“Yes, please.” Evan replied. “I’m going to make a small salad while you do that.”“Now I don’t wonder how you got them abs,” Jared scoffed. “You eat nothing that tastes good.”“I want a bun,” Evan told him. “And cheese. And bacon. If that helps.”“It does,” Jared said. “It gives me hope I can get that body by eating cheese burgers.”“Does it really look that good?” Evan asked, frowning down at his torso. He looked different, sure, but it wasn’t like he looked amazing.“You look great,” Jared told him, handing him his burger. “Both Zoe and Alana already gossiped about us.” “That’s gross,” Evan said. “But you gossiped about Alana too, so.”Jared rolled his eyes. “Go away.”Evan saluted and walked back to the table, where Zoe was sitting with Connor and Keli. When he walked over, Keli and Zoe hushed each other into silence. Connor looked annoyed.Weird, Evan thought, placing his food on the table. Out of self-consciousness, Evan grabbed for his shirt and threw it over his head. “Hey, Evan.” Keli greeted, watching him. “How was the water?”“It was great,” Evan replied. “I think I’ll be getting changed in a bit though.”Him being shirtless during a conversation was more than Evan was comfortable with. He felt like they were talking about it before he walked over. And if it wasn’t, oh well. Worrying about it was enough for Evan. He took a bite of his food. Oh. Maybe that’s why Connor was flustered. Okay.“I can’t wait until the alcohol is allowed,” Zoe said. “I think she said around 9.”Keli sighed. “Only Alana would consider this many avenues and plan a house party to the minute.” “I think that’s smart,” Evan told them. “It’s enough time to get drunk but it lessens everyone’s chance of drinking too much.”“Maybe,” Keli conceded. “I can’t wait to play games!”“Oh, yes!” Zoe said, excitedly. “Never Have I Ever and beer pong!”Evan internally screamed. He hated the game Never Have I Ever. First of all, when it is your turn you have to admit you haven’t done something that is really popular to do, so then people judge you. Then, if you drink because you have done something, people judge you anyway. The game was awful and playing it with Connor would be a hundred times worse. He'd be given ammunition every round.Evan felt his skin get itchy. He wasn’t excited for tonight. By 11 o’clock, Evan could recognize that beer was in his system. He wouldn’t say he was drunk, but he also didn’t feel sober. He had played a few rounds of beer pong with Jared and to no one’s surprise, they sucked. The other team’s drink remained mostly untouched. After two rounds and enough drinks, Evan managed to convinced Jared that team spirit wasn’t going to help them.They made their way into the living room, where a lot of the jazz kids were settled. They had cracked open a bottle of vodka, which Jared happily accepted. However, Evan went to grab another beer. Mixing alcohol seemed like a poor decision.“Who wants to play Never Have I Ever?” Evan heard someone ask as he made his way back into the living room. He spotted Jared on the couch next to Alana and Evan he took a seat on the arm of his chair.Evan felt warm from the alcohol. He felt good. He waved to Zoe when he spotted her. She was seated across from him next to her brother. She smiled and waved back. Connor glowered at the interaction but Evan was frankly wasn't sober enough to give a damn.“Dude, do you want to try this?” Jared said, shoving a drink in his face. “Vodka orange.”Evan took a small sip and gagged. Where the hell was the orange juice? “I’ll pass.”“Okay,” Alana said. “Let’s get started.”The game took off without missing a beat. Some girl who played the clarinet, Evan thought her name was Sarah, started it.After a few turns, Evan felt himself relaxing. Many of the statements were about college or jazz club related, so Evan found himself drinking a lot and not being afraid of judgement. He was on his second beer of the game.“I’m bored with all the school questions,” Jack said when it was his turn. “Never have I Ever…currently have a crush on somebody in this room!”The group groaned in response. “That doesn’t even make any sense!” Jared slurred.“It’s simple,” Jack smirked. “If you have a crush on someone right now in this room, drink.” Evan looked around the room. Almost everyone was drinking. There were a few side glances and blushes, a few people seemed pleased to see whoever else drink. He saw Jared drink and Alana drink. A good sign. Zoe looked up at him and then quickly drank. He locked eyes with Connor, who looked like he was assuming Evan would drink.But Evan didn’t take a drink from his glass. And neither did Connor.Evan couldn’t say if he felt relief or not. He was able to let go of a deep breath he had been holding. However, when he breathed back in, he sucked in lots of butterflies. After a while, the game had died out a bit. Everyone was wasted from the vodka and the tequila and Evan was feeling sufficiently tipsy from the beer. He had sunk into the couch, squeezing Jared into Alana. Neither seemed to mind.They were going to be an odd pair, Evan thought. But if it works, it works. His pocked buzzed twice and with some difficulty, Evan grabbed it from his back pocket. Mom: Just got off work. Stayed late.Mom: You good?Evan: fines. DrinkingMom: Go and eat something. Call if you want to come home. Love you.Evan probably should eat something, just to help the alcohol absorb.He made his way into the kitchen, where Alana had put whatever bags of snacks she had left on the counter. Evan saw pretzels. Jackpot. They were the most bland and therefore the most agreeable snack in the whole entire world.Connor followed him into the kitchen a few minutes later with Zoe, Keli, and this guy Sam from jazz club. Without saying anything to Evan, he went to the refrigerator and grabbed three waters. He shoved them at the group. “Evan!” Zoe yelled, stumbling into the counter. “So good to see you!”Evan pushed a bag of chips towards her. “My mom said we should eat something.”“Maybe she’s in cahoots with Connor.” Zoe narrowed her eyes and pushed the food away. “He’s making me get water.” “Oh!” Evan replied. “Water does sound refreshing.”“Then you have it,” Zoe said, handing him over the bottle. “I want vodka.” At that, she grabbed the arms of her friends and together they tripped and fell their way out of the kitchen. Evan heard Connor sigh loudly.“My bad,” Evan said, handing him the bottle back.“Drink it,” Connor told him, glaring at the spot his sister stood. “You need to. She won’t.”“Well, I don’t think I – ““You drank a lot.”“I didn’t,” Evan defended. He really didn’t. But if he did, how the hell would Connor know? “Sure,” Connor said, opening the bottle and placing it in front of Evan.Evan glared at him, but picked up the water. He ended up drinking half the bottle. “But,” Connor said when Evan was done. “You didn’t need to.”Evan shot him a look. He was too drunk to start a fight with Connor. He would never win. One punch and he’d be sleeping. Or dead. And his mom wouldn’t be too happy with either of those things.“You’re really annoying,” Evan settled with telling him. “You know that?” When Evan stood up from the bar stool to leave, he pushed himself too hard and ended up falling slightly into Connor, who surprisingly caught him and didn’t push him away.Connor rolled his eyes, but kept his hands tight around Evans biceps. “Right back at you, Hansen.” “Whatever,” Evan mumbled, as he regained steadiness. Connor’s arm loosened their grip somewhat but he didn’t let go completely. Evan realized he was very, very close to Connor. Not that this was unfamiliar, they spent much of their formative years rolling around on the floor trying to kill one another. However, now being in close proximity to Connor had a different feeling.Evan felt his heart stop and the butterflies return to his stomach. He didn’t like Connor - at all - but Monday was fresh in his mind. And Evan didn’t lie when he told Jared that Connor was attractive. He was, objectively speaking anyway. Pale skin, blue eyes, and black hair. He was all contrast.Connor gasped quietly when Evan started to lean in. It excited Evan, who then felt a ball of anxiety form in his chest. Maybe this was a bad idea. But maybe it was the best one. Evan could only hope that it would allow him to think about something other than Monday. Hopefully, the kiss would allow him to forget about it and prove it was just a reaction.Evan continued to invade Connor’s space; Connor never told him to stop.Evan’s lips touched Connors nervously at first. Connor’s lips were dry and slightly cracked. They felt better than Evan expected them to feel. Not uncomfortable at all. Evan held it for a few seconds, waiting for Connor to kiss him back. Connor never did, he just retightened his grip on Evan’s arms.Pulling back, Evan thought two things. One, he was definitely going to die from doing this. And two, his therapist was going to have a field day.After a moment, Connor dropped his hold and Evan scrambled back.Evan looked at him. “Are you going to punch me now?” Connor closed his eyes and shook his head. Evan took that as his sign to leave. He wrapped up the pretzels and grabbed his phone from the counter, trying to shove it in his back pocket quickly so he could get out of there. Evan needed more alcohol.“I uh,” Evan said, point to the hallway. “I should probably go then.”Connor didn't say anything. His eyes were still closed, but he looked so open. Evan did that. "I'm sorry."Connor put up a hand, telling him to stop talking. Without another word, Evan walked out of the kitchen. He was just drunk, it wasn’t a big deal.He would deal with this another day. Or forget about it. Hopefully, he forget about it. Or he’d try to. He was a fucking dumbass.At least he didn’t get punched, though. Monday morning, Evan was struggling to finish his breakfast. Oatmeal was usually one of his favorite meals, but today Evan didn’t have much of an appetite. He had been up all night worrying about how his life was going to change this year. His senior year.Evan also tried really hard not to think about the kiss for the entire weekend, but it proved really difficult. He tried to limit himself to worrying about it for an hour. However, an hour became five, which became a day, which became a weekend. It was even on Evan’s mind when he ran and nothing usually made it past the first block of his route except for the music between his ears.The kiss didn’t mean anything to Evan. It was a consequence of being drunk and being curious. Evan hated Connor Murphy. That was a fact. Besides, there was no chance for secret feelings. Evan hardly knew anything about him. He heard a honk outside. Jared was ready for school. Looking at the clock, Evan groaned. Jared was a good ten minutes early and he really did not want to do this.____________________________Once at school, Jared dragged Evan all over from wing to wing. Evan had no idea what they were doing until he spotted Alana hanging up her infamous “You can bet that you can count on Beck!” posters. “Isn’t it a bit too early for all that?” Evan asked. Jared elbowed him in the stomach. Evan elbowed him back. Elections didn’t happen until November.“Freshman always go for the most popular vote,” Alana explained. “I want a fair chance.”“That’s really smart,” Jared grinned at her. Honestly, Evan thought it was a little insane given she was already student council president and nobody ran against her last year. But whatever. “Thanks,” she smiled. Turning to Evan she said, “There are people in the student council office if you want to hang there. Zoe, Brad, James, Victoria. They’re all there” Evan really only knew Zoe. Normally he would have loved to hang out with her without a crowd of people or the loom of her brother, but given what happened at the party, Evan wasn’t sure that would be possible. Her brother had been on his mind 24/7.However, when Jared motioned him to go on, Evan realized that this was one of those courting things the kids did and wanted even less to be a part of it.“Yeah,” Evan said, looking to his best friend. Jared owed him majorly. “I could do that.”“Great,” Alana exclaimed. “Tell Zoe I need more tape.”When Evan entered the student council office, he saw Zoe sitting at a desk scrolling idly through her computer. She looked bored.“Hey,” Evan said nervously, breaking Zoe’s concentration.Zoe looked up and gave him a warm smile. “What’s up, Ev?”Ev. Good sign. She didn’t know anything.“Alana needs more tape,” Evan told her. “She’s in the freshman corridor.”“She’s crazy.” Zoe sighed and stood up. “Want to come with and then I’ll walk you to homeroom?”“Sure,” Evan smiled.In that moment, Evan so desperately wanted to be the 16 year old sophomore who secretly had a crush on the new girl in jazz club. His life would be so much easier. Instead he was the 18 year old senior who kissed her brother. Zoe grabbed her bag and said goodbye to everyone. “Who do you have?”“Mr. Jones,” Evan said. He was looking forward to it. Mr. Jones already loved him because Evan would sometimes tutor freshmen who were struggling with algebra.Overall, Evan didn’t have a bad schedule. He started his day of AP Euro, went into Calc, then Chinese, and then AP English. Lunch thankfully broke the day and after that, he had easy classes. Earth Science, Stage tech, Music, and Gym. It’s like Evan only had to focus for half the day.“Oh,” Zoe said, frowning. “Connor too. He went before.”Of course he did, Evan thought. “That’s uh…that’s okay.”Zoe patted him on the shoulder. “They’re trying to torture you both, huh?”Evan laughed as a response. He wasn’t going to openly agree with Zoe that Connor was a nightmare for him. It seemed rude as she was his sister. He also wasn’t even sure if that was true anymore. How could Evan honestly say he couldn’t stand the sight of Connor when he initiated a drunken kiss with the boy?When Zoe and Evan got to the room, Connor was there like Zoe said he would be. He looked deep in thought while scribbling in his notebook. Evan said goodbye to Zoe quietly before walking in and taking a seat a few adjacent to Connor. Connor didn’t even look up. Evan didn’t know if that was intentional or not.As time passed, Evan started to tap a pen against his desk. He still had ten minutes. The hall outside was filling up with the sound of students. Soon all would be in here. He looked back over to Connor. Imagine being the first person through the door to find Evan and Connor not fighting for once? History in the making. And if only they knew why.Connor looked up and shut his notebook. “What?”Evan suddenly realized he hadn’t thought about a single thing other than Connor since about Friday night. And he couldn’t very well tell Connor he had been thinking of him, or watching him, so he just went with, “Nothing.” “Nothing?” Connor asked with a raised eyebrow.“No,” Evan said. Connor shook his head, throwing his notebook in his bag. Evan wondered what was in that notebook. Did Connor wrote to himself like he did? Was he writing a hit list? Evan bet it was the latter. He was probably the first name.Connor looked good today, Evan begrudgingly realized. He had his hair half up in a bun, which was something Evan had never seen Connor ever do. He was wearing a fitted black sweatshirt over grey jeans. Evan had to wonder if he dressed to make his eyes pop. If Evan had his eyes, he would.As the rest of the class filed in, Evan broke his focus on Connor. He couldn’t believe he was noticing these things, but he was. This was a thing now.Damn. The morning passed quickly and not too terribly. Jared was in almost every single one of his classes which was good. And Connor was only in his Calculus class which was great. It meant that homeroom was one of the only places Connor and Evan would have to see each other for a long period of time. He could avoid Connor nearly all day at school.Except for lunch, apparently, because Evan walked into the school’s jazz room, he froze. Connor was there, sitting between Zoe and Alana, eating a salad from the school’s cafeteria. It was weird to see Connor there. He never remembered Connor at any shows or any other hang outs. Zoe used to put out disclaimers whenever asked about Connor. Now everyone was acting like it was the most normal situation in the entire world.Including Jared, who Evan really had to tell what happened. Then maybe he’d stop kissing Alana’s ass and do Evan a solid.Zoe looked up and whispered something to Connor, who nodded and mouthed something back. To Evan, it looked like he said he was okay. Evan blushed shamefully. He never considered he’d be the one making Connor uncomfortable, but that was fair. It being a drunk kiss didn't make it any less unwarranted.Still, Zoe didn’t seem mad at Evan today. She didn’t seem like she knew anything had happened.“Dude,” Jared said, eyes glistening with glee. “Come sit.” Reluctantly, Evan made his way over to the small table and squeezed in next to Zoe and Jared. He was very close to everyone which made him feel panicky and claustrophobic.Alana moved over towards Connor a bit to make room. “We were just discussing Halloween.”Evan paused. “That’s about a month away.”“Yeah,” Zoe said. “But I’m throwing a party and I want everyone to dress up.” “And not that shit dress up as you do,” Jared mentioned. “One year he literally wore a cast and said he was a person who fell out of a tree.”“I remember that!” Alana laughed. "It was really bad."“But no one could argue it,” Evan shot back. "No one wanted to," Jared counted, slapping Evan on the back in good spirit. “You sound like Connor,” Zoe grinned, turning to her brother. “Tell them your plan.” “I will be going as ‘annoyed brother who doesn’t want to have a party,’” Connor obliged. “I’ll probably stay in my room and out of the way.”Everyone voiced their objections with the exception of Evan. While he was sure that he wasn’t the only reason Connor would not be going, Evan still felt bad that Connor thought he needed to stay upstairs. He looked over and his eyes met with Connor’s briefly. He felt his anxiety shoot up.On second thought, Evan was totally okay with him being out of sight and hopefully out of mind.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Four. The summer had been really rough for Connor Murphy.Through a manic episode, he discovered he had Bipolar Disorder and ended up spending two weeks in the mental rehabilitation center of a hospital upstate. It had been a long and hard process for Connor because it took about a month and a half to find the medication that controlled his moods. His doctor had told him it was normal and to think of it as he was making his own signature cocktail, but he severely downplayed how bad side effects could be when medication didn’t work for someone. Then, because of that, his little sister became his new baby sitter. Not that he minded too much; through the whole process of discovering his mental illness and getting on a treatment plan, he and Zoe had found that bond they lost a long time ago. However, he wished his parents realized he didn’t need the watchful eye. He wasn’t suicidal; he was just crazy.By the time the summer was out, he was feeling drained but on the road to better. So, of course when the last week of summer hit and Connor had to work with the worst person in the entire fucking world, he was irritated about it. He didn’t want to work at the camp. He didn’t want to backtrack. He wanted to relax and prepare for one of the most important educational years of his life.But life didn’t work like that. Life worked like him getting hard during a fight with Evan Hansen. A fight that he started. Because life loved karma.He didn’t mean to start the fight with Evan. Not entirely. Connor tried avoiding him. Evan was just too noticeable. From the rushed stuttering when talking to literally anyone, to the way he completely changed when around people he was comfortable with. From the meaningless motions of life that everybody went through, to the specific things - like how Evan always looked back at things three times to make sure everything was good. From the way Evan went from looking scrawny freshman for three years, to looking like strong but lanky adult. Everything Evan did or was Connor noticed.However, the thing that irked him the most was the way Evan flirted and stumbled around his little sister all of high school. That was a hard no in Connor’s book. So when he heard Evan talking about her, Connor checked out. He didn't even hear what Evan said. Connor just attacked. He never figured he’d end up on the ground so quickly. What the fuck had Evan been doing over the summer? Connor would have loved to say what happened was just a natural response, because it was, but it wasn’t one he didn’t think about. Connor felt how strong Evan had become. He felt how Evan’s thighs straddled his waist; he felt the muscles hold him down. That feeling – the friction – went right through him. Evan was no longer soft.Connor’s only saving grace when thinking about it was that it didn’t feel like Evan Hansen was on top of him and so he didn’t get hard because of any underlying emotional attachment to the boy. He just liked the feeling of the body on top of his. Connor could have gotten over that.But then. Then Evan drunkenly kissed him and fucked it all up. Now it still kept him up sometimes.After the kiss, his plan was to avoid Evan but that became increasingly more difficult as Connor tried to integrate his social life with Zoe’s. Evan was everywhere. He was in homeroom. He was at the diners. He was at lunch. He was at Alana’s house. There was literally no escaping that frustrating boy. So he ignored. Pretending Evan wasn’t there in his mind worked somewhat, but real life always struck. Sometimes they would catch each other’s eyes. Sometimes Evan was so annoying Connor had to say something. Sometimes they’d collide. And it was always awkward. His new plan had been to take care of himself, which was the only thing he could actually do. Connor developed a routine. He was proud of it. Every morning he would take his medication and head to school early, where he wrote of goals and things that calmed him down. It was a trick he picked up at the hospital and it worked. After school, he immediately started his homework so it was done early. In his free time, tried to make the most of every free night of his senior year by going out and hanging with Zoe and her friends. And, most importantly, he stopped smoking weed.Not that weed was a bad thing. Connor adamantly believed medical marijuana was a necessary thing. However, he discovered that he used it as a coping mechanism and that wasn’t ideal. All in all, Connor was rather happy with his self-care plan. He was getting somewhere. “You are coming to my Halloween party, right?” Zoe asked Evan, as they all gathered around a table at A La Mode.Connor didn’t know why she was so set on this boy invading his home, but she was. Evan sighed into his root beer float. “Yes, Zoe.”“Your track record isn’t super,” she told him. “You skipped homecoming."Evan shrugged. Connor secretly agreed. Every senior with some sort of dignity or no date skipped homecoming. “Because I took someone else as my date,” Jared cut in, throwing an arm around Alana. Alana shrugged it off of her, rolling her eyes.“Yeah totally,” Evan told Zoe, pointing at his best friend. “Blame Jared.” Zoe glared at him while Connor stifled a laugh. Connor didn’t want to laugh at that, but the older brother in him loved when his little sister was mad at something or teased good-naturedly. Zoe was one area that Connor stopped being suspicious about around Evan. Alana’s party opened his eyes to a whole other side of Evan that Connor never suspected. Evan was drunk, yes, but drunk people are the honest ones. Evan didn’t drink when Jake had asked about having a crush on anyone. And then there was the kiss. Connor tried not to turn red thinking about it.Connor looked over at Evan who was swirling his metal straw around his cup. His cheeks were pink from the embarrassment of everyone focusing on him, but he was grinning from ear to ear, looking over at Jared. Jared had just come to his rescue.Connor frowned. Connor could have probably ruined Evan’s life if he had told anyone what Evan did. He wasn’t going to though. Evan didn’t rat him out. It seemed like neither of them thought they’d be able to handle knowing that people were talking about them. “Saturday. Two days. You better be there.” Zoe warned. “Come around 2.”“Why so early?” Jared asked, taking a bite of his sub.“I need help setting up,” Zoe explained. “Pretend I’m Alana.” Jared looked off into the distance before turning back shamefully. “You wouldn’t want that.” Connor glared and threw a fry. Jared was disgusting. On Saturday, the doorbell rang around 1:30 while Connor was in the kitchen unboxing 10 cases of pizza rolls. Checking his phone, he saw that it was Alana with both Jared and Evan. Alana was looking right at the camera in the doorbell with a smile.“Zoe,” he called. “Your friends are here.” Zoe was in the formal dining room setting up a buffet style table. “Can’t you get it?” Connor sighed. This was too much work for a party he wasn’t attending.Walking to the door, Connor opened it with a nod. “You’re all early,” he pointed out.“No such thing,” Alana told him, rushing ahead to Zoe. Jared shot a wink at him and followed after her. Evan opened his mouth to protest but after sparing a glance at Connor, he closed it. Okay then, Connor thought. Jared was a shit friend.“Hi,” Evan mumbled, taking off his shoes. At least he had manners.Connor coughed as he pressed a code into the keypad on the wall. “Security,” he said. Evan just nodded.“I can lead you back if you’d like,” Connor told him. “Zoe is currently setting up a punch and snack bar across our dining room table.” “I uh,” Evan stuttered and motioned in the direction his friends went. “can follow the voices.”Connor watched as Evan made his way down the hallway, just in case he did make a wrong turn. He saw Evan look around with wide eyes. Their house was smaller than Alana’s, and definitely more lived in, but it was still probably bigger than anything Evan was used to.Connor shrugged. He had frozen pizza to make. Four hours into the party, Connor was really bored. Normally, Connor wouldn’t have minded staying in his room all night. He did it all the time. However, when he had to stay in his room it was a different story.Connor could go down and enjoy the party. He could grab a drink and find someone to talk to. His parents would probably be really happy if he told them he’d done that. But Connor didn’t want to. He didn’t feel like handling drunk teenagers. He didn’t want to feel like he had to stay down there more than he wanted to and take care of Zoe. He’d rather die in these four walls.To pass the time, Connor decided to go stretch his legs. Upstairs was off-limits to the party so Connor could go and come as freely as he wanted without the intrusion of an annoying, drunk classmate.Or he was supposed to, anyway.Once in the hallway, Connor spotted Evan. This boy was everywhere. He was leaning against the doorway of Zoe’s room, looking in with a fond smile. Her room was painted lavender and teen magazines were littered all over the floor. Connor felt angry. Every thought he shoved back down involving Evan and his little sister came back in full force.Connor knocked his hand hard against the wall, making Evan jump around in fright. “Can I help you?” Connor asked with a frown. Evan blushed and shook his head. He should not have been up here and he knew it. “I had to escape the noise.”“I see,” Connor glared. He also didn’t care.“I should head back down.”“You should,” Connor stepped forward. “Yeah.”“Yeah.” Even repeated, but stood still. Connor took him in. Evan looked out of place. Not just now but at this party. He was just a lonely guy walking around wearing a blue cowboy shirt that didn’t make any sense unless you saw Jared’s “Vote for Pedro” shirt .“Well?” Connor asked, motioning down the hallway. “Go find your boyfriend.”“Right, yeah.” Evan muttered, sounding in a haze. “I’m just going to go to the bathroom first.”Connor rolled his eyes. “Go to the one downstairs.”“There’s a line.” “Is there though?” Connor sneered, stepping dangerously close to Evan. This house had five bathrooms. Half of which were down there.“Ye-,” Evan started, throat sounding hoarse. “Yes.”Evan swayed toward Connor slightly and Connor felt his mouth go dry. The hair on his neck shot up. Being this close to him had never had this effect on him. Not since…Not since that. Connor didn’t understand. Evan should have been walking away. Instead, he glanced down at Connor’s mouth. Whatever Connor was feeling, Evan had to be feeling it too. “Go downstairs,” Connor told him. “Instead of creepily stalking my sister.”“I’m not stalking your sister,” Evan scoffed, finding his voice. Could have fooled Connor.“Then what are you doing?” Connor asked skeptically. “Stalking me?”“I am actually just escaping the crowd,” Evan told him, turning away. “But I’d rather be downstairs than deal with you.”Connor reached out, stopping Evan in his path. “Excuse me?”“You heard me,” Evan said, pushing him back.Connor only stepped closer. “I really hate you.”“Right back at you,” Evan glared, rolling his eyes.“Good,” Connor said. Great.Connor closed the gap between them. Because life happened that way sometimes.There was no hesitation to the way Connor kissed Evan. And it shook him up inside. Pressing closer, Evan dropped his arms to Connor’s waist and kissed him back with the same roughness. Connor parted his mouth slightly, allowing Evan to bite softly on Connor's bottom lip. He heard Evan moan and he stepped forward, pushing them back into the door frame of Zoe’s bedroom. Their hips connected and this time, Connor wasn’t surprised to feel Evan against him. Connor felt like he was on fire. He had never felt this high before. Not from alcohol, not from weed, never. No kiss with anyone had ever felt this good. He needed to stop this, because he had no idea what they were doing.He was kissing Evan fucking Hansen.Connor backed up instantly at that thought, his chest rising and falling quickly. He looked at Evan with hungry and confused eyes. Connor felt like he couldn’t breathe. Evan ran a hand through his hair, looking surprised. His lips were swollen and red; Connor brought a hand up and wiped off his own. Were they like that too? Shit.He opened and closed his mouth a few times, not really knowing what to say. That was…that was something.“What the fuck?” Evan breathed. “What the fuck was that?”The hadn’t spoken in months, not directly anyway, not since that night in Alana’s kitchen. Where Evan kissed Connor. But that was a drunken mistake. This was not.Connor stood there biting his lip. He felt just as shocked as Evan looked. “You should go downstairs now.” Evan stood, like he wanted to say no. He seemed like he wanted to argue and demand a response.But Connor couldn’t give him one. Maybe he and Connor were destined to circle each other forever. Maybe they were meant to torture each other. Connor just didn’t know.Evan turned abruptly and walked away. Good. Connor needed time to think. He needed time to breathe. Connor didn’t mean to kiss Evan, but he hoped that since he did, it would have ended a lot of the curiosity Connor formed around the boy. However, it only made it stronger. Because karma also worked that way sometimes.Connor sighed. Now he really did need a drink.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Five. Much like every party he’s ever gone to, Evan was having a horrible time. One of the many downsides to having anxiety was that casual events like this were not something Evan could do. But he kept trying anyway because it wasn’t fair. Evan just wanted to be able to do normal teenage things.Instead of having fun, he spent the time nervously walking around trying to find Jared through the crowd of teenage bodies. Evan had lost him a while back when Jared said he was going to grab a drink. Evan had no idea where he could have gone and he didn’t know the first place to look. The house was huge and there were too many people.Giving up, Evan made his way out the back door and onto the Murphy’s deck.“You are fine. It is fine. Everything is fine.” Evan repeated to himself. “You are fine. It is fine. Everything is fine.”“Hiya, Cowboy!”Evan whipped around to see Zoe, grinning lopsidedly with a red solo cup in her hand. Evan looked at her confused, she knew he was supposed to be Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite. She had to approve his costume.“You alright?” she asked, stepping outside in an unsteady way that made Evan feel protective. He watched her, just in case she was going to fall or trip. “Want a drink?”“No. I’m fine,” Evan lied. He wasn’t fine at all, but that wasn’t an issue for her to worry about. “I just needed some air.”“Ah, Oxygen,” she declared. She motioned widely to her backyard, arms flailing. “H2O!”“That's water?” Evan corrected her, watching a bit of liquid spill from her cup. Good. She didn’t need to drink more."Air." She turned to Evan with a furrowed brow. “What did I say?”Evan shook his head. “It doesn’t matter,” he responded. It would be useless.Zoe sighed, leaning against the deck. She went quiet, looking up at the sky. Evan watched her. In the darkness, Zoe glowed. It was like she sucked in the light from the sun and all that was left was the moon, the stars, and her. She was the most beautiful female Evan had ever seen. Evan couldn’t, nor would he, deny that. And it would be so easy for Evan if he felt that like he used to – deep within his heart. But he didn’t. Not anymore. After a few minutes, she sighed. “My brother is really great, you know?”“What?” Evan asked surprised. He followed her gaze. She was staring at the only window on the top floor that had its light on. Evan assumed that was Connor’s room.She looked towards Evan. “I know you hate him, but he’s really good.”Evan didn’t respond, but he let his thoughts roam to Connor, which was something that was off limits as of late. Connor was equally beautiful as Zoe. Evan couldn’t deny that either. But if Zoe shined like the light of day, Connor was the darkness of the night. He wasn’t a scary sort of darkness – at least not all the time. Evan could admit that Connor was more like the comfortable quietness that everyone craved after a long day. He was the stillness one felt when standing outside, just listening to the crickets. He was the calm in the darkness.The only thing that seemed to piss him off was Evan. Not that he minded much though because Evan loved looking into Connor's eyes when they were preparing for a storm. He just didn’t like the whole punching aspect of it all.“If only you got along with him,” she continued with a thoughtful look on her face. “I think you two would be great.”No, Evan thought. “Right.” Shooting Evan a deep frown, Zoe sighed and walked back inside her house. Evan watched as she stumbled and greeted friends, seemingly forgetting about everything she just said to him.Okay, Evan thought. That was interesting.With a fleeting glance toward the window, Evan made his way back inside. One more attempt to find his best friend couldn’t hurt. It hurt. It hurt a lot. Despite the promise Evan had made to himself, he did grab a drink. He nursed it as he sat on the couch eating a plate of mini hot dogs. A few people tried to come up to him; a few girls attempted to hit on him. Evan just pretended to be really drunk and far away. Well, he really just pretended to be drunk. Evan felt far away. He felt out of his skin.Jared was absolutely nowhere to be found. It was slightly ridiculous. Evan got dragged to a party only to be told off by a drunk Zoe and ditched by his best friend. What kind of party was this?To pass the time, Evan decided to go exploring. He couldn’t stay still for too long at this house. It was too overwhelming. And while he was sure that he should have asked permission, Evan had no idea where Zoe was either. He assumed it would be okay.Once he got upstairs, Evan looked inside every door that was open. He spotted a bathroom, which was tricked out with a double vanity, a walk in shower, and a claw tub. He saw Zoe’s room and was not surprised at all to see it looking like she was still thirteen years old. He smiled. Even though Evan was totally over Zoe, he still was so fond of her. He found her and almost everything she did endearing.A hard knock scared him and he jumped around to see Connor, standing there looking equal parts angry and annoyed.Great, Evan thought, clutching his chest. Just what he needed.“Can I help you?” Connor had asked him. No, not really.Evan couldn’t tell you why he decided to pass the time by going upstairs. It could have been because he had become extremely curious of Zoe’s words to him outside. It could have been because he had time to think about some of his own thoughts about Connor. However, it also could have been because he just really needed to escape the crowd.The last seemed most believable, so he went with it. Of course, it didn’t work. And that’s how, somehow, he found himself kissing Connor Murphy. Again.Evan wondered how every altercation went from punching Connor to kissing Connor, but he was more worried about it than mad. Because when Connor kissed him - rough and hard and senseless - Evan didn’t feel so far away. He felt right where he needed to be.When Connor abruptly pulled away, Evan felt all the air in his body go with him.“What the fuck?” Evan said, catching his breath. “What the fuck was that?”Connor stood, biting his lip. He looked a mixture of scared and shocked. Honestly, same.“You should go downstairs now,” he told Evan. Evan shook his head.But Evan wanted answers. He was confused. Neither of them were drunk. This kiss was intentional. He wanted to say no, maybe argue, but something inside of Evan told him to leave it for another day. Maybe it was the spark or the fire from the kiss. Evan didn’t know. But that something inside of him told him that this, whatever this was, would not end with this kiss.And that scared the shit out of him.Relenting, Evan turned and walked away. Once out of view of Connor, he all but flew down the stairs. His heart was beating fast, his breathing was labored, he couldn’t even hear the music over the sound of blood pumping through his body. He felt like he was going to pass out.He needed to get out of the Murphy house. He needed to go home. “You what?!” Jared exclaimed the following night, after Evan persuaded him to give to come over for Chinese food and video games. He turned to Evan in surprise, making the Yoshi he was playing fall off the track.Evan pointed at the screen, ignoring the question. “You’re falling behind.”The cloud guy popped up and the screen started dinging. Jared didn’t seem to care for the game at the moment, just for Evan’s misery.“You kissed Connor?” Jared asked. “Connor freakin’ Murphy.”“Technically," Evan admitted. "I’ve kissed him twice.” He paused the game to look at his best friend, whose mouth was wide open in shock.“When?” Jared demanded, eyes filled with amusement. Asshole.Evan didn’t know why he was doing this to himself. Jared wasn’t the ideal candidate to tell, as it would cause some serious teasing once Evan was over it. However, Evan needed to get it out in the open so he could move on.“Once at Alana’s party,” Evan mumbled. He shifted uncomfortably. “I was drunk.”“Dude.” “And then Connor kissed me yesterday,” Evan finished.“Dude!”“Dude,” Evan mocked. “I wouldn’t have been up there if you were around, so the second one is on you.”“No way,” Jared laughed, giving him a pointed look. “You two are literal human magnets.”That was true, Evan thought reluctantly. He and Connor always ended up banging into each other in the worst possible ways. Like kissing. Or fighting. And Evan didn’t know which was worse.“So,” Jared continued, wagging his eyebrows. “Is he a good kisser?”“Nope,” Evan responded, putting up a hand. He didn’t want to talk about the kiss. To be honest, he didn’t even want to think about it. Yes, it was a good kiss. Connor knew how to kiss. But still, Jared didn’t need the ammunition. “Not doing this.”There was nothing to tell anyway. They just seemed to want to kiss and walk away. It annoyed Evan so much.“Are you sure?” Jared asked him. His eyes had softened from amusement to genuine concern. “Because rambling through things is sort of your gig.”“I’m sure,” Evan confirmed. Well, he was almost one-hundred percent sure, which was close enough. He was just going to keep his head down, his mouth shut, and ride this wave all the way through to graduation. Connor Murphy and the what ifs would not become regular thoughts in his mind.“Okay,” Jared nodded. He looked to the screen. “Holy shit I’m fucking last.”Evan laughed as Jared demanded he restart the game, citing Evan using his admission to cheat. The beginning of November proved to be a busy month for Evan. He had begun to apply to colleges, which was a struggle. He wanted to stay local and close to home because he didn’t think his mental health could handle being far from his mother, but he also wanted to go to good schools. He wanted to commute, but he also wanted that college independence. He wanted to keep the cost down, but there was no way in hell of that happening. He ended up applying to the local community college and a few state schools all within a two hour drive from his house. He then began the process of gathering letter of recommendations.Another thing that was happening in Evan’s circle was student council re-elections. They were right around the corner and Alana had gathered the whole group to be her campaign party. Evan was out almost every night going over strategies so Alana could be re-elected for school president, as some footballer on the verge of not getting in college needed an extra oomph and decided to run. Evan still didn’t care much if she won or lost, but Jared convinced him to help. In Jared’s words, Jared was her boyfriend and he was Jared’s boyfriend so Evan had to be there.Being pulled so thin was awful for his mental health, but Evan attempted to keep that under control with the help of an inflexible schedule and his therapist. However, on the flip side, Evan discovered that being so busy meant he didn’t really have time to think about anything other than the task at hand; and that was great. That meant thoughts about Connor or anything else were easily put on the back burner.He did still see Connor often. Connor was still the only person in homeroom whenever Evan walked in, he still sat with them at lunch, and he was often involved in group outings. But Evan tried hard to block that out. And him. Evan just wanted to enjoy his friends and remember his senior year.If he were honest, Evan didn’t know how to feel about ignoring Connor. On one hand, he firmly believed it was helping him stay a little bit more relaxed. On the other hand, it felt tacky and mean. Connor had kissed him completely sober, after Evan had kissed him first, and Evan had just walked away when told to. He gave in when he didn’t want to. He let Connor win.Connor hadn’t tried to talk to him at all about what happened. Once in a while, Evan would catch Connor staring at him. Other times they would hold eye contact for longer than a second. Sometimes they would accidentally touch and had to act like two civil human beings. But most of the time, Evan and Connor did not acknowledge one another.Evan didn’t know what to think about it all. It was anxiety inducing. He decided to just take it day by day, even though he desperately wanted answers. He’d cross whatever bridge when he got there.But sometimes his anxiety won and thoughts consumed him anyway, making him hyperventilate. That's when he wrote to himself. Dear Evan Hansen,
As you know, I kissed him. As you also know, Connor also kissed me and it was amazing. But what the hell do I do now? Should I talk to him? Like, what if Connor wanted the kiss to be a thing and that’s why he kissed me? Do I even want that? I don’t think so. Maybe? But! What if it didn’t mean anything? What if Connor is currently going through an identity crisis and that’s why he kissed me? Maybe he is not into boys? Oh, what if me kissing him is the reason for his identity crisis? Could I live with being the reason for a crisis? And turning a blind eye to it? Am I a horrible person? Oh god, am I having a heart attack? I’m going to go ask my mom.
Sincerely,
Me
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Six. The end of November proved even more stressful than the beginning. Evan had made the mistake of assuming that if he devoted most of his time to college applications, he’d be able to catch up on school work during the Thanksgiving Day weekend. He never factored in that some teachers would be giving out quizzes and essays before then.Why didn’t he realize that? Well, because Evan was an idiot. And he also had a bit of senioritis. Regardless, that’s how Evan found himself handing in an unedited, too short essay on something called credentialism. Evan briefly looked it up before turning it into an opinionated rant on the benefits of free college. He knew it sucked. He knew that. He wrote his essay because the due date had arrived and he needed something to hand in. And Evan couldn’t write an essay like that. He wasn’t a natural born writer. He was the student that had to plan and outline every single one of his points. He usually had at least two rough drafts before the final copy. So, Evan wasn’t the least bit surprised when he was told to stay after so he could talk to his teacher. At least he’d have the long weekend to recover from the embarrassment.“Evan,” Mrs. Roscoe said, showing him his grade. A 60. Damn. “I expected more from you.” “I know,” Evan responded shamefully. “It’s not my best work.” “What happened?” His teacher inquired. Evan put his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “I forgot about it,” Evan said, deciding to go with honesty. “I got caught up with other school things and only remembered the night before”“Your grade went down from a 93 to a 78,” she reminded him.Evan paid attention to that. He shifted on his feet, squeezing his hands into tight fists. “Can I do anything?” Mrs. Roscoe thought about it for a moment before handing him over his essay. “If you email me a new copy of this assignment by 11:59 PM, the Sunday before we come back, I’ll take the better grade.” “Thank you,” Evan stuttered, trying to control the anxiety that was threatening to implode inside of him.“And Evan,” she continued. “This is the first big project of three. Don’t make this a habit and you will be okay.”Evan nodded and thanked Mrs. Roscoe again for her generosity. Once she let him leave, he rushed to the nearest bathroom. He needed to calm down. Evan gripped the white sink of the bathroom as he stared at himself in the mirror. He saw himself panicking, which only made him panic more. Evan took a deep breath.You are fine. It is fine. Everything is fine. It’s just a grade, he had to tell himself. You are fine. It is fine. Everything is fine. The door swung open at that moment revealing Connor. Of course it would be him. That was just his luck today. They locked eyes in the mirror. Connor looked behind him, like he didn’t know whether to run or stay. Looking back over, he tentatively stepped through the door.Evan thought that was brave. He wouldn’t want to be here for whatever this was.“Are you okay?” Connor asked as he took another step forward. What kind of question was that? He was very clearly not okay.“Did someone kick your ass other than me?” Connor tried joking. It came out as awkward as the whole situation felt. “Cause then I’ll have to –““I’m fine,” he cut in, shutting up the boy. It sounded weak and strained. He looked down in embarrassment.“You don’t look fine,” Connor told him.He wished Connor would just go away so he could panic in peace.But Connor walked over slowly, coming to lean against the sink next to Evan. Evan felt every single hair on his body stand at attention. The closeness made him a million times nervous.“Well I am,” Evan lied.Connor gave him a knowing look, clearly not believing what Evan was saying. “Then why are you freaking out?” Evan felt his blood boil at the question. “It’s my thing,” he snapped. “Why are you even here?” Connor looked confused for a moment, but then he cleared his throat and stood up straight. He grabbed his bag, gave Evan one last glance, and strolled out the door. Evan didn’t know if he felt better or worse being alone, but fuck Connor for judging him. At lunch that day, Evan took his time unloading his backpack into his locker. He was safe here. No senior ever bothered with their lockers during lunch; most came during study hall so they wouldn’t have to sit in their homeroom class for 30 minutes.He didn’t want to go to lunch in the jazz room. He knew Connor would be there and he wasn’t up for that. Not after this morning. Connor saw more than Evan ever wanted him to see.It wasn’t until Jared texted him asking where the hell he was that Evan sucked it up and slowly made his way to the jazz room. When he got there, the entire group looked relieved to see him. Jared gave him a worried look. Evan shook his head, silently telling him that he’d rather discuss it later. “Where were you?” Zoe asked. “You’ve missed half of lunch.” “Yeah, uh.” Evan paused, glancing over at Connor. “I had an English class thing.”“About the essay you half-assed the other day?” Jared wondered. Evan kicked him under the table. Jared shot him an apologetic look.“Is everything okay?” Alana asked, perking up at hearing Evan was struggling. “I can tutor you if you need.”“No - no,” Evan stuttered. He felt himself turning red. “I should be good. Thank you.”Alana shrugged in a no big deal sort of way and the rest of the group launched into whatever conversation they were having before.Evan picked at his lunch not contributing much. He was stressing so much about this upcoming paper that he thought about skipping out for the day and going to A La Mode. However, that would probably put him in the same spot he was now with all of his afternoon classes so it wasn’t the smartest thing to do.During study hall, Evan tried outlining his paper but he was still feeling pretty low. He ended up drawing various doodles all over the page. Sighing, Evan looked out the window. He had four days to make this work. Thankfully, it was the only thing he had to do.Evan decided to put it away and try to rest for a bit. He had a long day. Shoving his notebook into his bag, he noticed Connor biting his lip and staring at him with an expression Evan couldn’t read. Evan raised his eyebrows at the boy, but Connor didn’t falter. Evan didn’t want to add that to the list of things to think about so put his head in his hands and closed his eyes. Evan really hated his life. That night, when Evan was lounging on his couch, watching reruns of The Office and looking up what credentialism was and how it was affecting minority students in low-income schools, he heard his doorbell ring twice.Confused, because he hadn’t ordered any food and Jared normally let himself in with the hidden key, Evan walked to the door. The doorbell rang once more and Evan opened it, revealing Connor Murphy on the other side. Evan’s jaw hit the floor. Connor was bouncing back and forth from foot to foot, holding a pizza box with two milkshakes in a tray on top of it. He looked apprehensive. What the hell was he doing here?“Uh,” Evan started, not knowing what to say. “How do you know where I live?”Connor blushed a bright pink. “I knew you lived next door to Jared, so I asked Alana, and well...”Evan didn’t understand. “What do you want?” “Can I come in?” Connor asked, motioning to the food. “This is heavy.”Evan hesitated for a moment, glancing around. For the most part the house was clean and tidy, but Evan couldn’t help but remember all the times Connor had called him poor and made fun of him for having little money. And now here he was, showing up at his front door wanting to come in.“I guess so,” he said, moving aside to let Connor through. Connor placed the pizza down on the small side table that was placed behind the couch. It was meant to divide the living room from the entry of the house. “I got you a root beer float.”Evan raised an eyebrow at that. So Connor noticed he always drank root beer floats. Noted.Evan watched as Connor looked around the room. He was ready with a comeback if he needed it, but Connor didn’t look judgmental as he took it all in. Evan was expecting him to be disgusted by it given his past comments. Connor's lips were pursed and his eyebrows were furrowed. There seemed to be many thoughts running through his mind.Evan just couldn’t believe Connor Murphy was in his living room. Take that, Principal White.“Your house is nice,” Connor said eventually, looking at Evan. Evan shrugged. His family room was small but comfortable. His dining room served its purpose. Everything was open and bright. There was enough space for two people and it was everything he needed. Evan felt itchy. While he appreciated the food and was almost sure it wasn’t poisoned, Evan had no idea why Connor was at his house.“Connor,” Evan urged. “Why are you here?”“I just…” Connor stopped, looking down at the floor. He started to play with the hem of his shirt. “Yes?” Evan questioned.“I saw you in the bathroom and then at study hall,” Connor confessed. Evan felt anxiety rise in his chest. “I want to help.”“No,” Evan declared, shaking his head. He didn’t need Connor Murphy’s help. “Evan,” Connor persisted. Connor never called him Evan. “I’m really great at writing.”Evan let himself consider the idea. He knew Connor was really good at writing. He knew Connor was going for creative writing and wanted to become an English teacher, because he had heard him talk about it numerous times. He could utilize the help. But why was he offering? That’s what tripped Evan up. Was it because of the kiss? Or kisses? Was this an olive branch? Evan didn’t know. However, he could use the time to try and figure out some things between them that he was curious about. He walked over and grabbed his root beer float. Connor watched as Evan sat down on the couch and reached for the first copy of his assignment.“Okay,” Evan drawled. “You read this while I read more on the topic.”Connor grabbed the rest of the food and brought it over to the coffee table. He plucked the paper from Evan’s hand. “I can do that,” he said, smiling softly. Evan felt butterflies rise and float their way through his stomach and chest.Alright then. It turned out that Connor didn’t think Evan had to do a lot to meet the requirements of the assignment. Despite not reading too much into it the first time around, Evan wasn’t too far off the mark because his opinion had not changed too much. Connor told him that he had to rework his essay to limit the opinions, include more information, and take out the ranting. Evan was happy about the news because thought his first one had been a total and complete disaster.Evan was surprised to find how easy it was to study with Connor. Connor was very serious about helping Evan write his essay. He spent about a half the time circling various sentences that he liked and writing in the margins things that needed to be corrected or explained more. Evan got his paper back and saw more red than black.It also wasn’t as awkward as Evan thought it would be. Lately, his anxiety had been at an all-time high. And he was expecting Connor to raise his anxiety, especially after this morning. But right now, with Connor, it didn’t feel too bad. It was almost like when Connor kissed him and centered him immediately.Which was weird considering their history.“Thank you for this,” Evan blurted. Connor was reading a bit more on the topic so he could help Evan outline. He looked up at Evan in surprise.Connor looked down, ears pink. He coughed. “I felt bad that I walked out on a panic attack,” he disclosed. “I know what it’s like.”“So, you’re just pitying me?” Evan accused. He didn’t need that. Not from Connor. “That’s nice to know.” “No?” Connor said. He looked sincere, but Evan was too ashamed to care. “Not at all.” Evan was annoyed that Connor even had the nerve to bring up his panic attack. Connor wasn’t supposed to see that. But since he did, why couldn't he have pretended it was a kiss and never brought it up again? He wanted to act like Evan’s knight in shining armor? No way.Evan rolled his eyes. “Sure."“I’m not…” Connor sighed, pinching his nose. He sat up straighter, looking Evan in the eye. “You’re very frustrating.”“Fuck off,” Evan fumed. He was pissed. Connor slammed his laptop closed. “I’m just trying to help you!”“Why?” Evan exclaimed. So much for them getting along.“I have no fucking idea!” Connor yelled exasperated. “I just…I felt like I had to.”“Well,” Evan scoffed. “You do not.” “I know that,” Connor huffed. He took moment to calmed down. “I know." “Then why are you?” Evan questioned.Connor just shook his head and moved the laptop onto the table. Turning to Evan, he took a deep breath. Evan held his. “Did you…” Connor started. “Have you told anyone?”Oh. Now was Evan’s chance to talk about the situation. This was the moment he had been craving since Halloween.“Jared,” Evan answered honestly. “Sorry.”Connor shook his head. “I told Zoe.”Evan blanched. He told Zoe? Zoe knew. Oh my god. “What?”“She is my sister,” Connor defended. “Who was sort of bummed but not the point.”“Okay,” Evan reasoned. Not the point. “That is fair.”“Yeah,” Connor started “And it’s just, like, been on my mind nonstop.” “Mine too,” Evan admitted. “It’s frustrating.”“Yeah,” Connor whispered, nodding. Evan wasn’t sure who leaned in first. It might have been both at the same time. Their lips connected yet again and Evan saw stars behind his eyes. It was a slow kiss at first. Evan kissed Connor gently, nibbling on Connor’s top lip before pulling back.He was not going to have another full on make out session and then have one of them run away. Not this time. It was too worrying for Evan. He couldn't deal with it. “Is this weird to you?” Evan asked, leaning back into his couch slightly.Connor shrugged, brushing his hair behind his ears. He looked up at Evan; his blue eyes looked grey. He looked unsure.“It’s kind of weird,” Connor admitted. “Like, I do not like you and yet want to kiss you.” Evan raised an eyebrow at that. His ego was only slightly bruised.“I know the feeling,” Evan confessed. “So let’s just. Uh, I don’t know. Okay.” Evan took the lead this time, going straight for it. He put his hands gently around Connors neck and pulled him towards him. Connor didn't object. Their lips connected again, this time more sure than last. Evan deepened the kiss, holding Connor close as he slid his tongue along Connor’s lip. Connor parted them; Evan felt him shudder. Connor's hands went to Evans waist, sliding his fingers underneath Evan’s shirt. He was holding tight as to steady himself; make sure he wasn't going to melt.Evan sighed into the kiss and grabbed a handful of hair that rested at the back of Connor’s head. He pulled down at it, forcing Connor to tilted his head up. Evan went for the exposed skin of Connor’s neck, biting and sucking until he saw red.Connor gasped, fidgeting from the sensation. “If you give me a fucking hickey, Hansen.”Evan had no idea what the beginnings of a hickey looked like, so he licked the spot for good measure. He heard Connor give a throaty laugh as Evan pulled back apologizing.After a few moments of staring at each other, Evan found the confidence he needed to speak.“You hate me,” Evan told him. Point blank.“And you hate me.” Connor nodded in agreement.“More than anything,” Evan stuttered. Did he? Yes he did. He did. “So, what the hell are we doing?” “I don’t know,” Connor hesitated, looking at Evan.Evan sat up straighter. “It’s confusing me to keep thinking about it.”“It?" Connor wondered with a small frown. "This," Evan rolled his eyes, motioning between them. "We don’t do this.” Connor smoothed out the leg of his pant. He was nervous. “I mean, we could.”Evan looked at him in disbelief. He couldn’t believe that Connor put that idea on the table. Connor wanted to replace fists with kisses. It seemed like an out there, crazy suggestion.However, was it? Evan thought about it. Having some sort of an idea about what they were doing would relieve a lot of anxiety. Recently, a lot of his anxiety came from not knowing if he and Connor were going to fight or make out. He hated seeing Connor while knowing they hadn’t discussed anything that had happened.At least now, despite not being friends, Evan knew what they were about. He no longer had to worry if kissing Connor would be the beginning of the end for him. Connor wanted to kiss him back. They were not-friends with benefits. Evan could be okay with that.“Okay,” Evan found himself saying. He was still thinking about it when the words were forming. “But, we tell no one.”“Absolutely nobody,” Connor stressed. “No Jared.” “And no Zoe,” Evan added. Definitely no Zoe. Evan put out a hand; Connor shook it. This was going to be interesting. Evan hoped he wouldn’t regret this.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Seven. Walking into homeroom that following Monday, Evan was feeling good. He had been able to use some of the key opinions of his previous essay and relate them to the information he read by using tips from Connor’s mark ups. His essay was new and improved and Evan was felt so relieved to send it off.Connor was there when Evan walked into homeroom. He looked up and nodded but didn’t say anything to Evan. That was fine, Evan didn’t need to speak to him. Despite their agreement to sometimes make out, they were not friends. Connor didn’t even need to look his way in public. He was feeling too good to care.But that all went downhill at lunch. Because nothing stayed gold forever. Not for Evan. Evan walked into the jazz room to see Connor sitting there, picking at carrots while reading a small book. Evan glanced at the title and saw Hamlet written across the front. Evan made a face. Who actually reads school assigned books? “Hi,” Evan greeted the crowd. Connor looked up at Evan and shot a side glance to his sister. Evan saw she was staring at him angrily. Oh. Evan knew he was eventually going to regret their agreement, but he didn't think it would be this soon. He had specifically said that Zoe was not allowed to know anything for a reason.“Evan,” she spit out, eyes narrowing. In this light, with that look, Evan could see how she and Connor were related. Jared shot him a look that said he was in trouble while Alana just looked confused.“How, uh.” Evan stumbled over his words. “How are you, Zoe?”“Can we talk?” Zoe said, standing up abruptly. Evan glanced at Connor who was frowning hard into his book. Evan felt betrayed. What part of their tell nobody clause did he not understand?Evan gave Zoe an apologetic look. “Actually, I ha-“ Zoe grabbed his arm and yanked him towards the door. “Great.”Pulling him into the hallway, Evan fell along the lockers. Zoe was a lot stronger than she looked.“Evan Hansen,” she scolded, pointing a finger him. “You.”Evan asked an eyebrow, faking surprise. “Me?”She poked her finger hard into Evan’s shoulder. “My brother has a hickey,” she accused.“Ah,” Evan responded dumbly, recalling Connor’s outfit. Connor was wearing a navy blue sweatshirt with grey jeans. His sweatshirt was baggy and bundled around his neck and arms. Evan noticed his outfit primary because they made his eyes pop, but there was literally no other explanation for that outfit besides a hickey. It wasn't cold enough yet.“Oh,” Zoe mocked. She crossed her arms. “Any idea where that came from?”Despite this being a bad situation, Evan couldn’t help but feel a slight relief. Obviously she knew, but also she didn’t. If nothing, this proved Evan could trust Connor to uphold their deal.“Uh, well.” Evan mumbled, fidgeting. There was no way out of this. “Look –““No, you look,” she stated, cutting him off. “I was disappointed at first. I thought maybe this year was our year, but…”Evan nodded, feeling a lump in his throat. He never meant to disappoint Zoe. He never wanted to hurt her. If he could have gone back in time, he never would have typed his stupid letter at school. It started a chain reaction of events that Evan couldn’t control.“But,” she continued softly, noticing Evan’s labored breathing. “It’s easy to get over someone you never really got the chance to be into.”He understood. Zoe was his real life fantasy girl. Part of the reason why Evan wanted to get into shape and look better was for her and the chance of maybe being with her. But she existed mostly in his mind, romantically speaking. He didn’t really know her. And then running became more for him and thoughts of Zoe went out the window. Now, the only fear of heartbreak he had for her was how this whole situation could potentially ruin their friendship. Evan shot her a sad look. “It’s okay,” she reassured him, shaking her head as to say it was no big deal. “But go easy on him, Hansen.”Evan choked out a laughed. Connor would probably be the death of Evan, but Evan had to go easy on him. Alright. Sure.“Or,” she grinned mischievously. “I will kill you.”Yeah, Evan could definitely see how they were related. Towards the end of study hall, Evan saw Connor out by his locker. He was leaning against his backpack, which he had propped up along the open edge of the locker. Evan noticed that he was writing in that mysterious notebook.Making sure there was no one around, Evan snuck up on the side of him. “Your sister,” Evan greeted as casually as he could. They weren't supposed to be doing this. “She knows.”Connor jumped in surprise and quickly turned the book away from Evan. “Christ, Hansen.”“Zoe,” Evan stressed. “Knows.”“I know,” Connor answered. “I told you not to give me a hickey.”Yeah. That happened. Evan glanced at Connor's neck but there was no sign of it under that sweatshirt. “Can I see it?” Evan asked. He did want to sound too excited about it, but he had never given a hickey before. He was intrigued.Connor looked at him like he was out of his mind, but glanced around anyway. Seeing that there was no one, he sighed and pulled down the neck of the sweatshirt.Evan saw a dark purple bruise on the base of Connor’s neck. He reached out and ran a finger over it. Goosebumps formed underneath his fingers and Connor slapped his hand away. So, that was a hickey. “Cool,” Evan whispered. He’d be lying if he said it wasn’t really hot. “Cool, yeah.” Connor replied, voice thick with sarcasm. He pulled the collar back up and glared. “No big deal.” “Sorry,” Evan apologized automatically. This felt like his hundredth apology to a Murphy today.Connor rolled his eyes. “You aren’t." Evan really wasn’t. He almost felt proud. He gave his first hickey. Part of him wanted to tell Jared.The bell rang, shocking them both out of their interaction.“Whatever,” Connor huffed, fixing his sweatshirt. He gave Evan a meaningful glance before turning and walking away.Evan just grinned. He did that. As December rolled around, Evan found himself not looking forward to the new year. He couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but there was something inside of him that made him feel scared about the clock striking midnight. But this was normal for Evan. Holidays were always hard. Times of change scared him and there was nothing that screamed time was changing more than the New Year. He didn’t want to think about growing up and growing old. That meant that he would eventually be without the only thing that made him feel safe: his mom.His social life also fizzled out. Zoe was in the middle of junior year and was always busy. Jared and Alana spent more time together as they went from the honeymoon phase to the domestic one. Everyone had things going on, but they all agreed to meet up on Fridays nights. Evan thought it was nice to make time for each other without school looming over them. A big part of his social life was dependent on Connor Murphy, which was an idea that Evan never thought would be a thing. He and Connor hung out at least one day a week. They were careful, of course. Connor usually drove to Evan’s as he had the car and Evan had the empty house. It wasn’t an ideal situation but worked. It gave Evan something to do. Despite the seasonal blues, the lull of December brought along some positives. One was that school also slowed down which helped Evan a lot. He was about to catch up on schoolwork. He was managing to stay on top of his assignments. Evan was having one of the best years in his academic career. He'd take that.“I say we host a New Year’s Eve party,” Jared had told him one day. They were playing League of Legends. Evan didn’t think he had heard him over the headset correctly. “Aw, dude. What the hell?” “What was that?” Evan asked as his character respawned back at their base. “My bad.”“Your mom is working,” Jared continued. Which was true. “It’s a perfect plan.” “Is it though?” Evan asked him. He could think of a million reasons why it was indeed not a perfect plan.“I’ll host,” Jared bargained. “You just provide the place.”Evan considered it. It would bring them all together and Evan was missing that lately. His mom would also be really excited that he was his having friends over. Plus, he wouldn’t have to do anything for it.“I can talk to my mom,” Evan relented. “But I don’t want the whole senior class here.”“Just the five of us,” Jared promised. Evan could hear the grin in his voice. “And whoever wants a date.”At the mention of a date, Evan’s mind went into panic mode. Would Connor bring a date? Probably not. Evan would know if Connor had another thing going on. And that would be a breach of contract. Right? “I’ll mention it at the diner Friday if your mom says it’s okay.” “Sounds good,” Evan told him. "Stop attacking our own bases!"Evan was nervous about the prospect of hosting the gang for New Year’s Eve – even though he technically would not be hosting. He never had gotten to do anything at his house before. Evan had never had a friend group large enough to be considered a small party. His mom would be thrilled for him. Evan was thrilled for himself. Maybe, just maybe, it would make the day a lot less scary than it’s always been for Evan. Maybe Evan could learn to just be excited for the holiday like everyone else. When Friday night rolled around, Jared and Evan walked into A La Mode feeling buzzed. Or well, Jared was feeling buzzed. Evan was just happy to be out and involved. He was excited to tell everyone that his mom had said yes to New Year’s Eve, providing everyone stayed over and didn’t drink too much.She wouldn’t be there either. She told Evan she would pick up an overnight at the hospital instead of being home as there was a lot of overtime pay in doing so. Evan thought she sounded way too excited when she exclaimed that it was the worst day of the year for the ER, but he took the win without questioning it. To each their own. The party was a go and that was all that mattered. He needed this.“A party?” Zoe asked excitedly. “I could use a party.”“Not exactly,” Evan said. “I want it small and safe.”“Damn,” Zoe said, biting a fry. She looked contemplative. “School has been kicking my ass.”Evan felt bad for her. He remembered his junior year. It was horrible. Just remembering the stress of SATs and ACTs was enough to make Evan break out in hives.“Well,” Jared cut in. “You can bring a date. We just don’t want the whole class.”At the mention of a date, Zoe perked up. “Yeah?” She asked, looking over at her brother and then back at Evan. “We can bring dates?” Evan also looked towards Connor, who was glaring at his sister. Evan felt that. If he could have glared at Zoe without consequence in that moment, he would have too. He knew she meant well – she wanted them to be careful – but this was too obvious for Evan’s liking.He also didn’t want Zoe to pressure Connor into bringing a date just because he was allowed one. Though Evan wouldn’t stop it from happening, he felt his chest tighten at the idea of Connor walking through the door with someone else. Because that meant Connor would kiss someone else. And they had an agreement. Connor was only allowed to kiss Evan. Right?“We should make a group chat,” Alana offered. “Just to keep in contact about it.”“I’m surprised we don’t have one already,” Zoe agreed, pulling out her phone.After a minute, everyone’s phone buzzed. Evan looked at his phone to see Zoe had sent a message to everyone. He opened it. There was a number he didn’t recognize.Looking up, he saw Connor looking at him. Evan gave him a small, friendly smile.He now had Connor’s number. And Connor had his. Cool. The group chat was arguably the worst idea Alana had ever had in her entire life. If she didn’t believe him, Evan would provide her with a PowerPoint presentation as to why she was crazy. His phone went off non-stop. There wasn’t a moment of peace that whole weekend since Zoe sent the message to everyone. On Sunday night, when Evan was trying to study for a calculus exam, he actually put the conversation on Do Not Disturb mode. He needed a decent grade. About an hour into studying, he received a text message notification. Evan ignored it at first, deciding that the information laid out in front of him was more important. Jared could wait. But then another text came through making Evan frown. Jared never texted him twice unless it was really important. Picking up his phone, Evan blanched. Connor: Hi.Connor: is this group chat annoying you too? Evan just looked at his phone for a moment. He didn’t know what to do. Was this even okay? Evan thought about it. He supposed that if they were going to have any sort of communication at all without people noticing, this would probably be their safest route. Evan: I muted the conversation for tonight.Evan: I need to study for calc. Connor: is that exam tomorrow? Evan: No, it’s on Tuesday.Evan: I like to be prepared.
Connor: I have already accepted defeat.
Evan hesitated, reading that response a few times. He wrote a response out twice but deleted it each time. Glancing at the clock, Evan sighed. It was still early; it couldn’t hurt to offer a returned favor. Evan: If you want, I can help you study. Connor didn’t respond to that. Of course he didn’t. Evan didn’t answer him for two minutes so Connor wasn’t going to answer him for twenty. Connor would be that guy. Evan put his phone down and tried not to think of the conversation. He was embarrassed. Evan tried shaking himself out of it. It didn’t even make sense for Evan to sweat this. It wasn’t a big deal. What did Evan lose? It was a text message. Evan grabbed his pencil and started to focus back on derivatives. God.About a half an hour later, Evan’s phone buzzed. He grabbed it immediately. Connor: open up
Evan rushed to his front door, forgetting all about his calculus notes laid out in front of him. Swinging it open, Evan saw Connor was on the other side. He was carrying two large iced coffees and a box of donut holes from Dunkin Donuts. His book bag hung loosely from his shoulders.Connor handed the box over as he pushed his way through the door. “I didn’t know what you liked so there's variety.”“Thank you?” Evan asked, dumbfounded. Connor didn’t respond to his text. But he came over anyway. And he stopped for snacks on the way.The boy constantly surprised and confused Evan.Connor rolled his eyes. “Don’t look like an idiot, Hansen.”Evan was an idiot. “What?”“We’re gonna need carbs,” Connor huffed. Obviously. “Let’s get started.” It wasn’t until midnight, when Evan’s mom called and said she was going to be a little bit later due to an emergency in the ER, that they stopped studying. Evan didn’t expect Connor to actually want to study, but he ended up being very eager to learn the rules and accept any tips from Evan on remembering them. He must have been really nervous for this exam. “Do you think you’ll be good?” Evan asked as he hung up the phone. Connor was packing up his bag. Evan felt a pang in his chest and his anxiety heighten. Connor was getting ready to leave and Evan didn’t want to be alone. “Yeah,” Connor smiled. Evan felt his insides turn. “Thanks.”Evan waved a hand. “Consider it payback.”“Oh, yeah,” Connor nodded. “How’d that paper turn out?”Evan laughed, still feeling relief from that damn assignment. He didn’t care what the new grade was. “Better than the first one.”“That’s good,” Connor told him. He paused, not moving from Evan’s desk. He still had a notebook and pencil to pack up.Evan opened and closed his mouth a few times. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want Connor to leave, but he had never expressed that sort of feeling to him before. Evan had no idea how to word it. "Hey, please stay so I don’t have to be alone?" "My anxiety is too much for me, please stay." "Hey, I’m selfish so please stay here and keep me company?" "Hey, I don’t like you but I hate the night enough tonight and I want you to stay." Like, what could he even say?"Yeah,” he ended up choosing, for lack of better words. Yeah. “Do you –““I could stay some,” Connor started, blushing. “If you want.” Evan let out a long breath and nodded. He wanted. Connor threw the pencil behind him and quickly got up to meet Evan, who already had started reaching for Connor. Before Connor was even fully on the bed, his lips crashed into Evan’s. Evan grinned widely into the kiss.He wanted a lot actually.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Eight. Over Christmas break, Evan saw his friends almost every single day. He loved it. They spent the afternoons hanging out, either at someone’s house or doing seasonal activities. Evan learned that he was awful at ice skating but pretty damn good at making hot chocolate from scratch. They spent the night hours eating tons of comfort food and watching tv. Evan had to run a bit more to keep it all off, but it was worth it.The only downside, and Evan couldn’t believe he was saying this, was that he wasn’t able to hang out with Connor alone. Evan had come to enjoy the moments he spent with Connor, holed up in his house away from the world. It was like Evan’s own little secret oasis. He swore kissing was another form of exercise therapy.However, it wasn’t just the kissing aspect of it that made life easier to deal with. Sometimes they didn’t kiss at all when they saw each other. Sometimes they got together to do homework and watch a movie. Sometimes Evan invited Connor over just because he just wanted to see him.Having Connor around made everything just fade away. Evan’s anxiety dulled into bearable background sounds.Turns out that, much like Zoe said while she was drunk, they worked. Like, really fucking well. And somehow, some way, Evan’s answer was Connor.He just didn’t know the question. But Evan was working on figuring that out. He was. Slowly. In the meantime, he let himself enjoy the quietness of his mind. Between Connor and running, Evan started to feel like maybe he could be normal.It was incredibly strange considering that less than a year ago the mention of Connor would be enough for Evan’s nervous system to go haywire, but Evan tried not to focus on the past. Especially their past. If one were to look at it even for a second, their brain would probably explode when they heard what Evan and Connor got up to now. Their timeline was enough to drive someone crazy.Evan had half a mind to send an explicitly detailed letter to their principal, just as payback. Connor: what do you eat? He and Connor had planned to meet up the night before everyone was coming over. Connor had promised Thai food if Evan decided on a movie. Evan had never eaten Thai food before and was curious to know what it was like, so he agreed and tried not to focus on how much the description of the night sounded like a date. Evan: Something carb loaded but also not too unhealthy? Connor: …i’m getting you pad thai Connor came over about thirty minutes after last texting Evan. When Evan opened the door, Connor complained about having to lug food all the way up the block. Evan just shrugged. What did Connor want him to do? Move?“Is Jared even home?” Connor asked, placing the food on the counter.Evan looked outside the kitchen window to see Alana’s car parked in the driveway next door. “Yup.”“He’s such an asshole,” Connor mumbled as he started to take the food containers out of the bag, separating them by size. Evan chuckled. God forbid someone stays home on a cold winter night.Evan watched Connor sort his way through the kitchen. He looked comfortable, which pleased Evan. “You and Jared are lot like that saying, 'there’s a fine line between love and hate.'”Connor paused in front of Evan’s plate cabinet, turning to look at him with an incredulous expression smeared across his face. “Oh really? Jared and I are a lot like that definition?”It took Evan a minute to understand what Connor meant, but when he did he turned red. He couldn’t believe he said that. Was he an idiot? Why would he even go there? “Fuck off, Murphy.” Later on, after the movie was finished and Evan was too stuffed to move, he and Connor laid in his bed. Evan watched his ceiling fan go around and around. He was feeling relaxed and very sleepy. The curse of carbs was real.“Did you invite a date tomorrow?” Connor asked randomly, voice sounding timid.Evan looked over at him in surprise. “Is that a serious question?”Connor looked away and started to play with the bottom of his shirt. He was serious. He really thought that Evan, the most neurotic and unsociable one out of all of them, would invite a date over for New Year’s Eve.“No,” Evan told him. “I did not.”Connor nodded, still fidgeting with his hands. He met Evan’s eyes. “Me neither.”Evan breathed out a few times. He felt relief, but there was also a nervousness forming inside of him. He had butterflies in the pit of his stomach but also a lump in his throat. "Okay." Evan didn't know how to take that. Evan woke the next morning to the feeling of someone poking his forehead. Over and over and over. Hard.Jared’s voice floated into Evan’s ears. “Rise and shine, babe.”“Can you not?” Evan mumbled into his pillow. “Unfortunately,” Jared told him, brightly. “I cannot can not. Get up.”Evan groaned. While he was both surprised and impressed by Jared’s punctuality, it was too early. Connor had only left a few hours before and Evan got very little sleep. "Up."Evan sighed and forced himself out of his warm bed by sheer determination. “You should be proud of me.”“I am,” Jared assured him, leaving his room. A few moments later, Evan heard the vacuum switch on.It took Evan and Jared a few hours to get Evan’s house ready. They decided to divide and conquer. Evan took the windows and glass surfaces, Jared did the floors. Jared then focused on tiding up the living room while Evan cleaned the bathroom and did the laundry. When Evan decided to take a shower, Jared focused on decorations. Because he actually bought New Year’s Eve things from the dollar store. Because he was ridiculous.“I should allow you to have parties more often,” Evan’s mom joked as she walked into the living room shortly after noon. She looked really tired. Evan felt sorry that she wasn’t having a quiet night in like she normally got to do. “Yeah,” Evan responded. “I should clean more. I’m sorry.” His mom waved her arm at him, laughing lightly. “Just tell me you made coffee.” Everyone came over around 6 o’clock. Evan watched as Jared went outside to greet Alana, who had seemingly picked everyone up. Zoe got out of the car pulling someone with her. Evan saw a big, bulky figure fall easily in line behind her. She brought a date. Evan recognized the boy from his English sophomore class but he couldn’t recall his name. It was Brandon or something.He watched as Connor stepped out of the car. Evan saw he looked somewhat hesitant. Connor was looking around at the familiar neighborhood, bouncing from foot to foot. Evan suddenly felt nervous. Had they discussed how Connor was going to react to seeing Evan’s house? “Evan!” Zoe yelled when she spotted him. She yanked her date up the driveway. “This is Brian.”“Yeah,” Evan said unfocused. He was watching Connor walk up his driveway out of the corner of his eye. “Hey, man.”Zoe coughed suddenly and Evan snapped his attention to her. She was motioning her head towards her date mouthing the word ‘Brian’ to him. Evan turned and saw the boy she brought sticking out his hand. Brian. Ah, Evan was so close.“We took a class together,” Brian reminded him, hand still extended. Evan hated introductions.Evan reluctantly shook his hand. “English, I believe.”Just then, Connor made his way over to the small group. He was dressed in a soft, oversized maroon sweater with dark blue skinny jeans and brown combat boots. He looked good tonight, Evan noticed.Connor gave Evan an indifferent look. “Nice house,” he said dully. “I’m unimpressed.”Evan rolled his eyes at Connor. The only thing unimpressive was his acting style. “Like I care what you think, Murphy.”“Okay,” Zoe drawled, shooting them both a look. She grabbed Brian’s hand. “Let’s go inside.”Brian looked disappointed, like he was hoping to catch another infamous throw down between the pair, but he followed her inside without a word. Evan watched them go before turning back to Connor. Evan thought that went okay. Right? Nothing was out of the ordinary for anyone. He shot Connor a questioning look. Connor just shrugged and winked. As he walked past Evan to follow his sister, he slammed his shoulder in Evan’s side.Evan glared at the retreating figure. That better had been for good measure. During the party, Evan stationed himself in the kitchen picking at leftover Thai food he had in his refrigerator. While he was having fun for the most part, the party went through periods where it was difficult to navigate through what was going on in his living room. Every once in a while, those who brought a date would couple off, leaving only Evan and Connor to themselves. And that was hard because while Evan wanted to talk to Connor, he wasn’t even allowed to look at Connor. It was awkward; Evan felt out of place.“Didn’t you save that for your mom?” Connor asked, coming into the kitchen. He walked over to the cooler Jared had set up and pulled out a bottle of hard apple cider.Evan looked down shamefully. “I really haven’t seen her, so I never got to tell her.” “You haven’t seen her?” Connor asked, leaning against the counter opposite Evan. He glanced back at the entrance to the kitchen quickly. They were good. “She’s your mom.”“She works long hours and goes to school, so…” Evan shrugged. He didn’t want to get into this now. It was bad enough that this wasn’t the greatest time for Evan’s anxiety. He didn’t need to think about how much time he already lost with his mom. “She’s a nurse.”“I see,” Connor said, nodding. He took a sip of his drink. “And your dad?”“He’s uh, well.” Evan reached for his bottle of rosé cider that Alana swore was amazing. He was not mentally prepared for this conversation. He took a long sip. It was equal parts gross and good. “Just not here.”“Oh,” Connor replied quietly. “Must be tough. I’m sorry.”“It’s fine!” Evan said quickly. “Yeah. No, like, I was young, so. I don’t even care.”Connor was silent for a long time, just staring at Evan. Finally he confessed, “My parents suffocate me most of the time, but I’d be lost without them.”Evan looked down at the floor, tears stinging his eyes. It was like Connor always saw Evan for what he was. He knew what Evan had said wasn’t true. He knew Evan was trying to convince himself that his dad leaving didn’t bother him. But he also knew better than to directly call him out on it.And Evan was thankful for that. He didn’t want to talk about this anymore.“We should get out there,” Evan stuttered, voice rough. “We’ve only got an hour.”“An hour is a long time,” Connor argued but he let the conversation drop. He made his move towards the door. “Especially with those guys.” Evan managed to laugh at that. “…Three. Two. One. Happy New Year!”Evan looked around to see his friends celebrating. Zoe gave her date a kiss on the cheek before turning to hug Alana, who Jared somehow separated from pretty quickly. Connor was on the other side of the couch. He shook hands with his sister’s date before turning to look at Evan. He gave Evan a private smile and nodded in a casual way, but Evan saw a longing behind his eyes. Evan went to wish Connor a Happy New Year but got swept up in a giant hug from his best friend.“Dude,” Jared slurred, pressing Evan close to his chest “I love you.”“I love you too,” Evan managed to get out. “But I can’t breathe.” “Sorry,” Jared laughed. “Look who’s the strong one now.”“Still me,” Evan replied. Jared responded by throwing a lighthearted punch.“And now,” Alana said, coming over and handing them plastic champagne flutes. “A toast.”Placing herself in the center of the room she raised her glass. Everyone followed suit. “May no one want for anything in this new year. May we all have happy ones, filled with love and laughter and whatever else we lacked in 2019.”“Amen!” Zoe exclaimed loudly, clinking her drink against her brother’s. She winked at him. Connor rolled his eyes. Evan decided it was a good idea to down the glass of bubbly. A little while later, Evan had retreated to his room to change his outfit. It was closing in on the second hour of the New Year and he was tired. Everyone was. But Evan got the least amount of sleep so he wanted to be comfortable.He was debating between whether or not it was a good idea to put on a shirt from camp. Part of him wanted to let Connor know that Evan was thinking about him, but he also didn’t want it to become a joke and draw too much attention to it.There was a knock at his door, so Evan quickly made the decision and threw it over his head. His friends were probably too drunk to much to notice what shirt Evan was wearing anyway.The door opened by itself and Connor poked his head in. “I like the shirt,” he said, leaning against the door frame. Connor looked a mixture of drained, tipsy, and happy. Evan thought it was beautiful. “Hi,” Evan managed to get out. “Thank you.” Looking behind him, Connor quickly stepped inside and closed the door. Evan felt his heart rate increase. “They think I’m in the bathroom.”“Ah,” Evan nodded. So he bought himself some time. Smart. “I think they’re too drunk to notice anything.” “Zoe has an extra sense for me,” Connor replied. “But she’s pretty preoccupied with Brian.”“I see,” Evan said. A year ago, Brian kissing Zoe would have made Evan so jealous. Now, Evan was just jealous that Brian got to kiss anyone. That anyone got to kiss anyone. He wanted to kiss someone. No, not just someone. “Can I kiss you?”Connor walked closer to Evan. “If you must,” he mumbled.Evan closed the space between them, hands finding their way immediately to Connor’s waist. He felt like home in Evan’s arms. Evan kissed him slowly, wanting to make the most of the first kiss of the year.Connor deepened it as he walked Evan back to where he was pressed against the bed. His fingers found their way under Evan’s shirt as his lips found their way to Evan’s neck. He bit down and sucked hard at the nape of Evan’s neck, nails scraping across Evan’s back. Evan gasped at the feeling and he heard Connor laugh. Evan was brought back to Earth by it.Did he just…? He wouldn’t.Pushing Connor back, Evan ran over to his mirror. Sure enough right there, in full view, was a bruise forming on his neck. There were red bite marks all around it. Evan touched it out of curiosity. It was sensitive. Damn. Hickies were no joke. “Happy New Year, Hansen."Evan looked passed himself in the mirror to see Connor smirking. “You’re such a dick,” Evan whispered as he glared at the proud looking boy.Connor laughed happily and nodded. “But at least it looks…cool, yeah?”Evan hated him. On the Monday they returned to school, Evan was pissed. He had spent the weekend hiding his neck in old, too big sweaters while searching home remedies for getting rid of a hickey. Nothing actually worked, of course, and now he had to return to school in normal sized clothes. The problem was he only owned one thing that could hide it: a plain, black turtleneck sweater.Connor wasn’t there when he entered homeroom so Evan sat down at his usual desk and fished out what he needed for his first period class. A few minutes later, Connor walked through the door with a book in hand. He spotted Evan and barked out a surprised laugh.“Hi,” Evan greeted venomously.“That has to be the most obvious fucking thing in the entire world,” Connor informed Evan, closing the book with his fingers.Evan huffed. It worked. It worked and no one even questioned it. Not Jared, though he made a joke about it on the way to school. Not his mom. No one. “You did it higher up than I did!”Connor shrugged indifferently, walking over to Evan. He took the seat next to him and leaned in close. “Can I see it?” “Fuck off,” Evan exclaimed, pushing him away. “You don’t have to be such an ass about it.” Connor frowned at that and for a second, Evan wondered if he actually wanted to see the mark. The way he went about it made Evan think that the possibility of that was unlikely, but then Connor should have reacted differently than he just had.Connor looked at him and then looked back at his book. He held it up. “Are you a fan of Lord of the Rings?”Evan was taken aback by the sudden change in direction. “I’ve never read it.”“Have you seen the movie?” Connor continued, sounding slightly rushed. “There’s like, three of them.”“I’ve never seen the movies,” Evan answered, shaking his head. “Why?”Connor shifted slightly toward Evan and started to tap his finger against the desk in an anxious rhythm that Evan knew all too well.“Are you okay?” Evan questioned. He was very much confused as to what was going on, and school normally wouldn’t be the place to ask Connor anything, but the last thing Evan wanted was for Connor to have some sort of panic attack here in homeroom. “Would you, uh…” Connor started, stumbling over his words. “Would you like, want to?”Evan paused. Connor nearly freaked out because he wanted to pick the next movie they watched? That made absolutely no sense. “Sure,” Evan responded. Whatever worked. He didn’t care.“I can make that up to you,” Connor apologized, pointing to where the hickey bruised Evan’s neck. “There’s an indie place downtown. They’re doing a marathon of all three movies on Saturday.”Oh. Oh, Evan’s eyes widened. Connor wanted to go out with him. Like in public. With Evan. Evan felt his senses heighten. Everything was on fire. He wasn’t sure if it was a good feeling or not. “Is this…” Evan hesitated. He felt shaky all over. Was he shaking? He hoped not. “Is this a date?”Connor let out a deep breath, blushing a deep scarlet color that Evan had never seen him turn before. “It, uh. No?” In an instant, Evan felt all the sensation in his body die. Dread filled it’s space. “No?”“I mean,” Connor stuttered. “If you want. Whatever you want.”Evan thought about it. What did he want? Did he want to go out on a date with Connor?Evan loved spending time with him, but they had never hung out alone except for in private. Evan didn’t know if he was ready to go public with whatever it is they were. To the world, Connor and him hated each other. If they were seen out, holding hands or whispering on dates, they’d be the talk of the school. Evan didn’t know if he could handle that. He didn’t know if he wanted that.However, his heart also leaped at the prospect of going on a date with the boy. There was no denying it at this point, Connor had captured Evan’s attention. He was all Evan thought about; the only person Evan wanted to be around. Evan didn’t know the full details of what he felt for Connor, but he knew it was enough to want to take the risk.“I wouldn’t mind,” Evan whispered, still feeling shaky. Though Connor had posed the question to him, Evan was afraid of being denied. “If that’s good with you?”“Yeah,” Connor exhaled. He stood up, hands holding onto the desk for support. He smiled softly at Evan. “Then it’s a date.”Evan watched as Connor made his way over to his own desk. The bell rang and the class started to pile in. Evan used the time to let himself refocus, taking deep breaths.He had a date. He could do this.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Nine. All week long, Evan couldn’t stop thinking about this upcoming Saturday.He spent his free time looking up the plot to both the books and the movies, just in case they were different. He had already decided on what he was going to wear. He had practiced how he was going to greet Connor that night, and how he was going to say goodbye. He knew his conversation starters in case the mood fell flat. He had it all planned out. Start to finish. He was prepared. He was excited.And even though there was a lot of anxiety that came with going on a date with Connor, Evan did a good job at not making it a thing. When he was with Connor it was easy to be in the moment. It was easy to enjoy how small the now was and not think about how big the future was. Connor made Evan not care about the unknowns of the universe. With Connor, Evan could just be.And that’s what Evan tried to focus on. Instead of worrying, he let himself think of how Connor made him feel. And that was really fucking happy.Evan let himself imagine what would happen after the date. He pictured himself walking through the halls with Connor, holding his hand while people around them pointed and whispered. He had thought about how quickly they would become old news, and how Evan wouldn’t always have to be looking over his shoulder when giving Connor a peck in-between classes. He had imagined what it would be like not having to hide from their friends and family anymore. And what it would be like being allowed to touch Connor whenever he felt like it. Evan wanted that. He didn’t want to hide anymore.And by next Monday, they wouldn’t have to.
Dear Evan Hansen,
I have a date. I have my first date ever tomorrow. I cannot believe it. I also cannot believe it took me eighteen years to finally land a date. With the Murphy that I didn’t spend the entire four years of high school crushing on. Maybe I could’ve had a date much sooner if I didn’t waste my time hating him.
I'm going on a date with Connor. Wow. My life is so weird.
Sincerely,
Me.
“I got into Northwestern!” Alana said excitedly, holding up her phone. Evan saw an email beginning with ‘Congratulations!’ on it.The gang was gathered around one of the corner booths at A La Mode for their typical Friday get together. Evan had only gotten a strawberry milkshake this time around because he didn’t know if he could stomach much else. Anticipation was a nauseating thing.Jared clapped for her dramatically and gave her a sweet kiss on the cheek. “My girl is smart.”“I had no idea you wanted to go to Chicago,” Zoe said to her frowning. Illinois was a long way from Pennsylvania.“I have no plans to go,” Alana replied giving both Zoe and Jared a reassuring smile. “I got into Penn State too. I just wanted to see if I could get into the top schools.”“So,” Evan started. “You applied to schools just for fun?”“Pretty much.” Alana shrugged. “I’ve always been set on NYU or Penn State.”Evan thought she was crazy. If she could afford to go to a top school and got accepted, why wouldn’t she take that opportunity? Rich kids were strange.“I applied to both of those,” Jared announced. “I want Penn more though. I want to stay closer to home.”“I think every kid in Pennsylvania applies to Penn State,” Zoe answered, eating a fry. That was true enough. She looked to her brother. “You applied didn’t you?”“I got in early decision,” Connor corrected, giving her a small smile. “I applied back in October.”“You didn’t tell me that!” Zoe exclaimed, hugging her brother. “I’m so happy for you.”“I haven’t told anyone,” he responded. He shot a quick look towards Evan. “I’m pretty okay with staying local for two years and then transferring out, so I don’t know what I want to do.”Evan stared at him. He hadn’t known Connor applied to colleges. He had assumed it, of course, but he just didn’t realize it was an actual thing. Evan had applied to Penn too, as it was only an hour away, but he just hadn’t heard back yet. Originally, he did not care where he went, because Evan had no idea what he wanted in life, however now Penn State was his first choice. Jared wanted to go there. His mom wanted him to go there. And now his whole group was going there. He had to get in.Evan sipped his milkshake slowly and tried not to get too worried about what would happen if he couldn't get into Penn State. The thought of him and Connor not going to the same school anymore made Evan feel uneasy. Neither his mind or his heart were okay with it. The next day, as Evan was getting for his date, he couldn’t help but feel a nagging sense of dread.Since discovering Connor had a life set and planned for after high school, Evan couldn’t shake the idea that this date was going to be all for nothing. And that scared Evan, because this didn’t feel like nothing. It felt like everything. Connor felt like home, like safety, like … love? Evan shook his head. The idea made his blood run cold. He couldn't be in love with Connor. He wasn't even dating Connor.Not yet, anyway. “You are fine. It is fine. Everything is fine.” Evan mumbled. He was shaking as he put on his shoes. “You are fine. It is fine. Everything is fine.”But he wasn’t. And this wasn’t.What if Evan didn’t get into Penn State? What if he went on this date, fell madly in love, and then couldn’t get into the same college as Connor? What was the point of dating someone that was only going to break your heart come summertime?Evan snapped out of his thoughts when his alarm rang. It was 5:45. He would have to leave soon if he wanted to catch the 6:00 bus downtown.However, Evan didn't move. Panic had taken ahold of him and he just watched his alarm ring and ring. He felt like couldn’t breathe. Sitting down on his bed for a minute, Evan closed his eyes. He was getting a headache. Everything was too loud. The next time he opened his eyes, light was peeking through the blinds of his window. Evan stood up quickly. He was still dressed. Oh no.Looking at the clock, he saw it was 6:50. AM. It was morning.“Fuck,” Evan whispered, grabbing his phone. He had five messages. All from Connor. “Fuck.” 6:30PM Connor: row 10. seats 3 and 4. 7:30.7:00PM Connor: evan?7:52PM Connor: so….8:30PM Connor: okay10:11PM Connor: bye “Fuck!” Evan said again, louder this time. What the hell was wrong with him?Remembering that the marathon was supposed to go until about 6 in the morning, Evan frantically typed a response into his phone. If Connor was still awake, Evan could explain what happened. Evan: Hi.Evan: I’m so sorry. Evan waited and prayed. He was such an idiot. A few seconds later, his phone buzzed in his hands. Connor: fuck you, Hansen. Evan felt his heart drop into his stomach. That was fair. There was no excuse for what Evan did. Despite his reservations and fear, Evan should have gone to that marathon. At this point in his life, anxiety was just anxiety. And Evan had had plenty of panic attacks before. Connor had seen one and he still stuck around. Evan screamed, throwing his phone down on the bed. He could not believe he did that. He was so, so weak. There was no way to justify why he laid down when he was supposed to be walking out of his door. Evan had known his panic attack would pass like they always did but he allowed himself to give into it. He ran away. And Connor didn't deserve that. He deserved someone stronger.Evan had to be stronger. Monday he had to make it right. On Monday, that chance never came.Evan showed up to homeroom extra early, so they would have more time to talk, but Connor never walked through the door. He wasn’t in calculus class. Evan didn’t see him in the hallways. Connor wasn’t at lunch. He just wasn’t there.And with each passing hour, Evan felt worse and worse. Connor skipped out on school. Because of him.“Where is Connor?” Evan whispered, pulling Zoe aside as they were leaving the jazz room after lunch. Desperate times called for desperate measures.“That depends,” Zoe answered in a not friendly but civil tone. “What happened?”“I can’t tell you that,” Evan responded. He couldn’t lose both Murphys in one day.“He said not to talk to you.” Zoe bit her lip, considering the situation.“Oh,” Evan said.“But I think you’re a good guy,” Zoe finished.“I am,” Evan agreed. He didn’t think he had been recently but he was most of the time. “I am a good guy.”“And my brother,” she continued, giving Evan a meaningful glance. “He is also a good guy.”“I know,” Evan said shamefully. All he felt lately was ashamed. “I know he is.”“He said he needed the day,” she said sighing. “I wish I knew why.”Evan paled. He needed a day. Evan made him need a mental health day. “I’m going to fix it.”“You better,” she told him, patting his arm. “Or remember what I told you.”Evan nodded. If he were honest, Evan wouldn’t object to that right about now. January became February and Evan became even more miserable. To put it mildly, his life sucked. Connor didn’t bother with him but Evan still had to see him at all the usual times. He saw him every morning in homeroom and in calculus. Evan tried to focus on other things, like homework or studying, during those times but he always ended up staring at the boy. Evan didn’t know how to fix this thing he gotten into, but he so desperately wanted to.He missed Connor. He missed the way Connor would blow up his phone with text messages. He missed the way Connor would tell him to fuck off when he acted annoyed. He missed the way Connor said his name. He missed the way he laughed and rolled his eyes. He missed the way he tasted. How they would just lay on the couch or Evan’s bed and watch movies. And how he felt in Evan’s arms. Evan missed everything. Now, Connor wouldn’t even glance his way. Not once. Never. Evan never even felt him staring. And what sucked the most was that Connor was getting more comfortable with everyone else. He was talking more. Letting the group know more about his life. Evan never felt so out of place. He swore Connor was doing it partly for revenge.But he was thankful for lunch and those Fridays when everyone got together. During those times, Evan got somewhat caught up on what was going on in Connor’s life. For instance, he learned Connor accepted the offer from Penn State. He learned that he was looking to dorm in an off-campus apartment. And was willing to share a place with Alana until Zoe followed them. Evan was actually surprised at how much Connor was sharing. Connor had never spoken that much before.Sometimes Evan thought Connor was opening up so much because Connor was indirectly talking to him. Like he wanted Evan to know but he just was too stubborn to talk to Evan directly. But that was wishful thinking and it broke Evan’s heart.Evan just wanted things to go back to how they used to be. How did his life go from being on the road to great to being completely shit? It was the Saturday before Valentine’s Day and Evan was up early to make his mom pancakes. It was a tradition he started a while ago, when he was first old enough to work the stove by himself. As a child, Evan thought it was the perfect way to show his mother that he cared. As he got older, Evan learned it was about the small gestures like cleaning, listening and just making time to talk, but his mom would always be his Valentine so he continued to do it. Right on time, Evan’s mom walked through the door. She had just completed another night shift.“Are you okay?” Evan asked alarmed. She was out of breath and looked run down. She was holding the mail in her hands. She rolled her eyes and started to weed through the envelopes. “Have you checked your email today?”“No, why?” Evan asked, peeking over at the table.Evan’s mom pulled out an envelope. It was considerably thick and Evan’s heart fluttered. College.“Penn State,” she said. She shook it and felt something move from one side to the next. “Good sign.”Evan knew what it was. Jared had gotten in earlier this week and he had gotten the same sized envelope. When he showed Evan, he excitedly held up his brand new welcome gift. A Penn State keychain.“You read it,” he demanded. He couldn’t. Evan’s mom ripped opened the envelope and pulled out a few sheets of paper. She cleared her throat:“Dear Mr. Evan Hansen. Congratulations! We are delighted to offer you a place in our 2023 class…Merit scholarship information is on the second page….Apply for financial aid no later than April...” His mom said, grinning wide. “Evan! You’re in college. I’m so proud”Evan turned the stove on low and walked over to the table. He took the paper from his mother, reading it himself. He was in college.Oh my god. He was going to go to Penn State. With Jared. With Alana. With Connor. ---“Dude, we can share a room!” Jared said excitedly when Evan had called him to tell him the news. “That’s awesome!”“Yeah,” Evan responded, breathing shakily. “Totally.””Hey. Don’t worry,” Jared told him softly. “You should be celebrating!”Evan felt relief that he was going to college with his best friend, but he really had to fix things with Connor before he could begin to be happy about it. Evan was itchy. He had to do something. He had to move. He had just gotten into college. Like Jared said, he should be celebrating. He couldn’t stay in his room all day, wallowing in what ifs. It was all too much for him.And that was how he found himself standing outside the Murphy’s front door. He couldn’t play this game. Not anymore. Not when they would see each other nearly everyday for the next four years.“Come on, come on.” He muttered, looking down at his phone.In front of him, the door cracked open and Zoe popped her head out. Evan sighed in relief. Zoe was an angel.“I shouldn’t be doing this,” Zoe said sullenly, moving aside for Evan to enter.“I owe you,” Evan told her. How much would depend on the outcome of his visit. “I don’t know what you did,” she responded, crossing her arms over her chest. That was probably for the best. “But go fix it.” “Right,” Evan responded and started for the stairs. Evan hadn’t been here since Halloween but he remembered the layout pretty well. He traced his footsteps from the party and ended up in the hallway where Connor had found him. Where Connor had kissed him and this whole thing had pretty much started.Evan felt his body go numb. He was such an idiot.He heard music coming from Connor’s room. The door was closed and there was a wooden sign hanging from the door knob that read: Enter if you want to die. It was decorated with skulls and crossbones. Evan paused. He thought that was a weird gift to give such an angry teenager.Taking a deep breath, Evan knocked on the door. Connor didn’t come to it; instead he turned his music up louder.“Go away,” Connor’s voice carried from inside the room.Evan knocked again. Harder this time. He wasn’t leaving.The door swung open this time. “Zoe, I’m going to kill –“ Connor stopped when he saw Evan standing in front of him.The look Connor gave Evan made him want to run. But he stayed. Because he had already ran away and it didn’t work.“Hi,” Evan finally said after a few moments of just staring at the boy in front of him.Connor looked like he had spent the weekend holed up in his room. He was wearing old, grey sweatpants and the t-shirt from camp. Evan felt a pain in his chest. If Connor was trying to forget him, that wasn’t the way to do it. “Can we talk?” Evan asked boldly. Connor deserved brave. “Please.” Connor didn’t respond. Evan shifted onto his other foot. This was okay. Evan deserved this.“I got into Penn State,” Evan tried.Connor raised an eyebrow at that. “I know.” Of course. The news was out there. Connor had to know.“Right,” Evan mumbled. This wasn’t working.Connor took a minute to just stare at Evan. Evan felt undone but he didn’t falter. He wasn’t going away. Eventually, Connor sighed and took a step back. Evan hesitated for a moment before quickly following Connor into the room. Evan didn’t want Connor to change his mind and slam the door in his face.Looking around, Evan couldn’t believe he was in Connor Murphy’s room. If you had told him that a few months ago, Evan would have laughed in your face or asked you if Connor had finally decided to kill him. But here he was. Though he wasn’t sure that Connor wasn’t going to kill him yet. To Evan, Connor’s room was very Connor. It had soft grey walls that were stark plain and all of his furniture was black. On the far side of the room underneath a window, a desk was nestled in-between two bookshelves that didn’t hold all of his books. Evan had known Connor was a reader, he had seen him throw a book down plenty of times before charging at Evan, but this was something else. Books were scattered around the floor and in between the shelves. Evan was amazed.The room was comfortable. It was casual. It felt homey. It felt like Connor.Evan glanced toward Connor, who was watching him with a very suspicious look on his face. Evan didn’t know where to sit, what to say, or what to do. He should have made a game plan before coming here. “Your room is very, uh, “ Evan started, motioning around aimlessly. “Very you.” “You don’t know me,” Connor pointed out. Evan flinched. “Well,” Evan said decidedly. “I know enough.” Connor raised an eyebrow. “You think so?” “I know you have anger issues,” Evan said joking. “Your room reflects the moodiness.”“Fuck you,” Connor responded. It lacked his usual bite. “Did you come here to insult me?”He sounded tired. Evan did that.“No,” Evan mumbled. “I can here to explain.” “I don’t want to talk about it,” Connor answered, sitting down on his bed. He clasped his hands together. “It’s fine.” “It’s really not,” Evan told him. It like, really wasn’t.“Yeah, it’s cool.” Connor continued. Evan noticed he was twisting his fingers together. “I got the wrong idea." “But you didn’t,” Evan rushed, standing in front of him. “Connor, I…” Connor looked at him then. His beautiful blue eyes looked sad but hopeful. Evan froze. He didn’t know how to say the words so that Connor would believe them.“I got scared,” Evan went with. It was the truth. “I got scared and backed out...and then blacked out. And I’m sorry.”“Scared of what?” Connor whispered. Evan sat down next to him. He hesitated.“Sometimes I worry about things,” Evan told him. “Things that might not ever happen, or are not true, and I shut down.” Connor didn’t respond but Evan noticed he relaxed his hands. He took that as a sign to continue.“I uh,” Evan muttered, reaching into his pocket. “I wrote a letter to myself.”He handed it over to Connor, who looked at him confused. “I can read it?”“Please,” Evan urged.
Dear Evan Hansen,
I am an idiot. I had a date, with someone who I have not been able to stop thinking about since the start of school, and I messed it up. So badly.
I panicked. And instead of getting on that bus to go see him, I spent my time worrying that he was only going to break my heart at the end of the year. And all because I was afraid we wouldn’t be going to the same college. A college that is only an hour away. A college I ended up getting into anyway.
I need to fix it, Hansen. I don’t know how, but I need to. I need to go and tell him that I was scared, that I was nervous. And though that is not an excuse for what I did, maybe he will understand. Maybe it will help. If I apologize, maybe he will see that I’m trying here. Because I am.
He was unexpected, but he was a good thing. I can’t throw away my good thing. I don’t want to.
Sincerely,
Me.
“I sometimes let my anxiety get the best of me,” Evan explained when Connor folded up the letter. Connor handed him the note back. “I understand.”“You do?” Evan asked surprised. He didn’t know Connor had dealt with mental health issues, but it made a lot sense. One person could not be so on edge and irritable without having something going on inside their mind.“I have Bipolar Disorder,” Connor disclosed. He stood up and walked over to his desk. Evan watched as he went into the bottom drawer and pulled out the mysterious notebook he always wrote in. He held it in his hands, looking at Evan. “This is my version of your letters.”“You write to yourself too?” Evan questioned. They were so alike and Evan never even knew it. They could’ve been friends so long ago. Maybe they could have been this a long time ago. “I make lists,” Connor corrected. He waved the book. “You can’t read mine though. Not yet.”Evan nodded. That was fair. “I’m sorry,” he told Connor again. He could never apologize enough. “I’m an idiot.” “You are,” Connor agreed, dropping the book on the desk. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “So, what do we do?”Evan looked down at his paper. I need to fix it, Hansen. I can’t throw away my good thing. He remembered writing those words. It had felt like he was writing a breakup song. He felt like he had broken his own heart by not going.It was a horrible feeling. Evan had never felt it over any crush before. It was new. It was surreal.Evan stood up nervously. Connor was leaving it up to him. This was terrifying. “I want this,” Evan whispered, rubbing his hands on his shirt to flatten it out. His palms were sweaty. “Without the question mark.”Connor stood up straighter. Evan noticed his hands were gripping his desk. “You want what exactly?” “Y-you. Us.,” Evan breathed. “Only us.” He was nervous. This wasn’t easy, but Connor deserved this. He was willing, waiting, for Evan.“Us,” Connor repeated dumbly, like he couldn’t fully grasp what he was hearing. “Okay.” Evan frowned watching Connor turn his knuckles white. He stepped forward so he was directly in front of Connor. It reminded him of when Evan was having a panic attack in the bathroom and Connor stayed. Then came over to him to make sure he was okay. Evan wanted to do that for Connor.He grabbed for Connor’s hands. Connor gave them up easily. Evan shuddered and interlocked their fingers. There was no need for Connor to be afraid. Not when they both wanted this.He squeezed Connor’s fingers gently. Evan needed Connor to know he wanted this.“I hate you,” Connor mumbled, looking down.“I don’t hate you,” Evan told him. He didn’t. Not anymore. His feelings towards Connor were so far from that. Connor gently pulled at their hands and Evan fell into a soft but firm kiss. He held it steadily, feeling himself refocus. He didn’t go any farther than that. He didn’t deepen it. He didn’t want to. This was enough. Connor was enough. He felt himself center again. Evan squeezed Connor’s hands tighter. This was what he needed. Evan walked into school the next morning feeling better than he had in the past few weeks. It felt good having his shit together.Last night, they had set some ground rules. Connor called them goals. Apparently, he was big on them. They were going to start actually talking to each other in public, hanging out in public. They would leave the kissing for behind closed doors, but they were allowed to tell family and close friends if they wanted. Just so it wasn’t horribly awkward anymore. He and Connor decided that night that they were going to take it slow. They weren’t going to rush into anything. They were going to work on being friends while also exploring whatever it was that kept drawing them to each other. No pressure.That scared Evan because he knew how deep in it he was for Connor, but if Connor needed to slow it down then Evan was more than happy to comply. He was in no rush to share just how much he liked Connor. He was still figuring it out as well.He stopped by his locker before going to homeroom and Jared slid up next to him, eyes narrowed.“What’s new, pussycat?” He asked with an accusatory tone.Oh. Connor must have told Zoe who told Alana. Which meant Evan had to come clean.Evan sighed. “I just want to point out that that’s a weird way to greet someone.” Jared punched him in the arm. “How could you not tell me I’m a side piece!?”“Aren’t I technically your side piece?” Evan questioned. That wasn't fair.Jared huffed. “I’m supposed to be your number one boy toy.”Evan rolled his eyes. “Are you mad that I didn’t tell you or are you jealous of Connor?”“Evan,” Jared frowned. “I had to find out through Alana.” “Because Zoe has a bigger mouth than me,” Evan responded, closing his locker. “And I got back late.”“I don’t care what time it is,” Jared scoffed. “You could wake me up for anything.”“Especially if that makes you first to know the gossip,” Evan joked, trying to lighten the mood.“Well,” Jared whispered, walking with Evan to his homeroom. “I love hot goss.” Evan barked out laughed. “Never do that again.”They stopped outside Evan’s homeroom. Jared peaked in, mouthing to Evan that Connor was inside. Evan nodded and gave his best friend a thumbs up. No shit, Jared.“You’re okay, though?” Jared asked. “Seriously?”“I’m okay,” Evan smiled. “I wanted to tell you so many times, but it was a secret.”“We’re like brothers though.” Jared said somberly. “There are no secrets.”“I’ll talk to you more about my boy problems,” Evan promised. He patted his best friend on the shoulder. “I swear.”“That’s all I ask,” Jared replied. “So, I’m assuming he is a good kisser after -““Bye,” Evan said, opening the door and walking into homeroom.He looked back through the tiny window of the door to see Jared giving him the finger. Evan smiled, shaking his head. “What was that about?” Evan turned to see Connor looking passed him at Jared. “Nothing,” Evan said shrugging.Evan went to go to his regular seat, but then stopped. He and Connor were supposed to be trying here. And Evan wanted to show him that he was all in. Evan turned and made the move to sit right next to Connor. Connor raised an eyebrow in surprise but looked pleased nonetheless.“Hi,” Evan said, smiling warmly. Connor looked confused for a moment. He was trying to make sense of Jared’s antics. Evan felt bad for the boy. There was no making sense of anything Jared did.Connor opened his mouth and then closed it, shaking his head. “Hi,” he replied, laughing.Evan grinned. That was the best sound he had heard all week.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Ten. As February turned into March and March turned into April, Evan felt some of his anxiety release. The weather got nicer and being able to be outside meant Evan got to do more things, which was incredibly helpful. He spent a lot of time just soaking up the changing of seasons.School was going well too. He was passing all of his courses, started studying for his AP exams that were coming up in May, and began preparing for college. Evan and Jared had applied for housing and listed each other as their preferred roommate. They had all signed up for Admitted Students Weekend, which was more or less a long orientation, and booked hotel rooms instead of choosing to dorm on campus so Zoe could tag along. Alana and Zoe were going to share a room and so were Jared, Connor and Evan.Speaking of Connor and Evan, that was still a thing. His friends had reacted well to the idea of them being something, after the initial shock of course. They were slightly mad that the two had kept it a secret for roughly seven months – which Evan couldn’t fault them for – but they were pleased to see that Connor and Evan were happy.Evan couldn’t believe it had been just about seven months since they started whatever they were. Through the ups and down, Evan and Connor kept coming back to each other. Evan had never had something so constant in his life before meeting Connor back in freshman year. Well, except for Jared. But there was just something about Connor. Something different. There had always been. Evan just didn't know it could be so great until this year. It scared Evan how much he was growing to be dependent on Connor. Since becoming semi-public, he and Connor spent a lot of time together.In school, it seemed like both of them made it a point to sit next to each other whenever possible. Evan changed his seat in homeroom, Connor changed his seat in calculus. They walked with each other to classes and Evan suspected Connor made Zoe switch with him at lunch. It was a welcomed change.At first, the reaction was much like Evan expected. People stared. A lot of people stared. And they whispered. Nobody could figure out what exactly was going on. Evan tried not to think too much about what his peers were thinking, but for the first few days it was incredibly overwhelming. He couldn’t stand being the center of attention. To say Evan was relieved when newer news struck and he and Connor faded into the background of high school was an understatement.After school, they were together almost all of the time. Connor started to give Evan a ride home so he wouldn’t have to take the bus whenever Jared stayed after for Alana. They would go to the library to study or do homework for school. They would go to the local café on weekends for coffee and the cheat snack Evan allowed himself. They would go to the park and hike because Connor refused to run. They would go to A La Mode for late night meals. And sometimes, because they just wanted to be together, they would do nothing. And that was enough because they were together. Evan was good with it.He and Connor still hadn’t been on their first date though. That bothered Evan. A lot.Evan wanted to find a way to make it up to Connor. He had apologized and Connor had forgiven him, but there was still a nagging feeling inside Evan that said he had to fix what he had done. Or rather, fix what he had not done. Evan felt that he needed to do something big, something monumental. He needed to do something that would Connor know that he was all in. “So,” Evan began, pushing the door open to leave their school. “Today is Thursday.”Connor looked at him with a raised eyebrow as he fished his keys from his backpack. “Good job, Hansen.”Evan rolled his eyes. “Shut up,” he mumbled. Evan was trying to do something nice and Connor was ruining it with his personality.Connor laughed brightly and Evan forgave him instantly. “Continue,” Connor told him.Evan looked towards the Jeep they were walking towards. He was suddenly very nervous. Evan didn’t know how Connor would react to what he was about to ask him. To Evan, this was the biggest thing he could ask of the boy. He wiped his hands on his jeans. For 60 degrees, Evan was sweating.“Would you uh,” Evan stuttered. “Would you want to come over to my house tonight?”Connor looked at him in surprise. “Your mom is working on the infamous Thursday Night taco night?”“No, no.” Evan replied, shaking his head. “She’ll be there.”Connor stopped just short of his car and turned to face Evan. For a minute, Connor just stared at Evan in bewilderment. Or in amusement. Or maybe he was petrified. Evan couldn’t tell, but Connor didn’t look thrilled. Maybe formally meeting his mom was too soon.“You don’t have to,” Evan rushed. Evan felt himself flush with embarrassment. “It was just an idea.”“No, I want to!” Connor exclaimed quickly. “It’s just, like…”“Yes?“ Evan wondered.Connor sighed and rubbed his neck. “Do you think she already hates me?”“Why would she hate you?” Evan frowned. He didn’t think his mom had a hateful bone in her body.Connor looked at him pointedly. “Because I wouldn’t like anyone who beat up my kid for years.”“I see,” Evan said understandingly. He’d probably be a nervous wreck if he had to meet the Murphys. However, his mom wasn’t the type of person one would be scared to meet. His mom was about warm hugs and being comfortable. She was soft spoken, patient, and kind. She was the person that gave others second and third chances, even if they didn’t deserve it, because she firmly believed people could overcome their differences if they were willing to talk it out. And that was pretty much the definition of Evan and Connor. “You don’t know my mom.”“No,” Connor agreed. He looked out towards the sea of high school students gathering in the parking lot. He seemed to be thinking. “I guess I’m about to though.” That night, Evan was incredibly excited.His mother took well to the news about their guest, despite being very surprised as to why Evan was inviting him over. Evan didn’t think there was a conversation more confusing than telling your mom that you were kind of dating someone that she has met numerous times in the principal’s office because you got caught punching him in the face. However, his mom took it in stride, like she always did whenever Evan came to her in a mumbling mess. His mom smiled supportively and told Evan she would give him a fair chance.When the doorbell rang, Evan’s mom offered to go and greet him. Evan watched as she led Connor into the living room. He was holding a bouquet of roses, which he offered to her. Connor looked anxious and was visibly shaking when he glanced over at Evan. Evan got up from the couch quickly. He had to give Connor brownie points for not turning away when it got too much. That was more than Evan could say.“I’ll go find a vase,” Evan’s mom said, reading the room. “I think it’s in the hallway closet.”Evan took the moment to place a hand on Connor’s waist. “Are you alright?”“No,” Connor breathed. He threw a small smile Evan’s way. “I’ve never wanted to impress someone more.”Butterflies formed in his stomach and Evan felt himself melt at those words. Connor had never wanted to impress someone more than Evan’s mother. That had to be a good sign, right? Connor had to be feeling something on the lines of what Evan was feeling. Right?“You’ll do great,” Evan smiled, feeling jittery. He was too happy that Connor was nervous right now. Evan needed to focus on what was important and be supportive.Connor nodded once and Evan’s mom made her way back into the room holding the vase of flowers. “Looks good, yeah?”“It’s looks great, Mrs…” Connor replied, swaying a bit into Evan. "Uhm."Evan placed a hand on the small of his back. Hansen, Evan thought. Don't make it weird. Just say Hansen.“Heidi,” his mother told him. “You can call me Heidi. Now let’s eat some tacos.”----“You know that you can eat more than one taco right?” Evan asked Connor a little while later. For some reason, Connor was putting as little food onto his plate as possible. Evan knew he had a bigger appetite than that.Connor flushed with color and he glared at Evan. “I know that.”“Leave him alone,” his mom scolded, coming over to the table. She placed a gentle hand on Connor’s arm and Connor looked at her awkwardly.“So my son was the bully after all this time, huh?” she asked jokingly. “Who knew?”Connor let out a surprised, rough laugh and suddenly the air in the room got lighter. Evan saw his mom give a wink behind Connor’s back and he mentally bookmarked this moment. Her ability to extend an olive branch was one of the endless reasons as to why Evan was grateful for her existence. She patted Connor in a motherly way and continued to make her plate of food.Evan smiled as he saw Connor go back and make a second taco. Okay, maybe they had this. Maybe this would be fine. Everything ended up being more than fine.As it turned out, Connor and his mom got along like a house on fire. They spent the majority of the time talking about books and theatre that Evan had no interest in, and then spent the rest of the time making fun of Evan for his lack of interest.And on Friday, Connor actually walked to the door when he picked Evan up for their group night, which was a world away from the text messages Evan used to get telling him to walk to the end of the block. Evan opened the door to see Connor grinning warmly, peaking inside to see if his mother was home.Connor also paid for Evan’s meal that night, which was totally unexpected. When it was just the two of them, they usually they took turns paying for each other, but they never shared the bill when they were with their friends. It was an unspoken agreement that Connor decided to change when he casually asked for Evan’s meal to put on his check.Though slightly surprised, Evan allowed himself to revel in the happiness and relief that came from Connor and his mother meeting. His plan worked. Things were finally changing.Evan wasn’t sure how to make what he and Connor were change though. Like, officially.One of the things that didn’t happen from that night was the talk, which was what Evan was most looking forward to. He wanted to have a serious conversation about why Evan decided to introduce Connor to his mother. However, Connor didn’t even question it. He said nothing. It was frustrating. They spent the last two months just being friends, exploring the possibilities, and Evan so desperately wanted to be more. Jared had told Evan that he needed to DTR, which apparently stood for ‘define the relationship,’ but Evan he couldn’t – he wouldn’t – take that step before he got a clear sign that Connor was ready for that again. Evan wouldn’t have his heart broken because he decided to rush Connor. Not when his actions were the reason why Connor slowed down. Still though, it was frustrating. It was frustrating to want to be more than Connor’s friend. It was frustrating to always wonder if what he wanted to do was okay to do in public. It was frustrating to have to correct strangers when they assumed things. It was frustrating to not know exactly what they were when he thought about it. It was frustrating that he couldn’t allow himself to explore the feeling that kept creeping up into his heart every single day. He wanted to know if it was love. He wanted to know if it was mutual. Evan just wanted to be Connor’s boyfriend.“Make a timeline,” Jared huffed. Evan had dragged him out for a Saturday afternoon run but it ended up being a light jog for Evan and a weird shuffle for Jared. “Set a date.”Evan looked at him confused. “We’re not getting married.”“Not yet,” Jared wagged his eyebrows.Evan rolled his eyes. He wasn't even going to let his mind roam to the possibility of the far future. He was focused on the now.“Admitted Students Weekend,” Jared continued. He stopped at the end of the road and took a swing of water. “That’s next week.”“Yeah,” Evan responded. “And?”“And,” Jared said, giving Evan a look that said he was dumb. “Try to know what you are by then.”Evan thought about it. While it would have been nice to know what they were within the week, Evan didn’t know if he could take that step. It was an unknown, which Evan hated. And it could break his heart, which Evan hated even more. Plus, if Connor didn’t feel the same way, it would make sharing the room with him that weekend incredibly awkward.However, sharing a room with someone who you kiss and act like a couple with, while not knowing if you are a couple, seemed equally uncomfortable. Evan groaned and Jared shot him a sympathetic look.Evan didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t until later on that Evan came to his conclusion.Connor had come over to study and do homework for an upcoming English exam that Evan didn’t read the book for. And at first, Connor wasn’t going to come over because he decided he was teaching Evan a lesson. He said Evan had to learn how to read or he wasn’t going to survive in college. In response, Evan pointed out that he would only have to take basic general education English courses and to please bring coffee.After a while, Connor showed up at his door, mumbling about Evan being ridiculous and an asshole as he shoved the coffee towards him.Evan spent the evening thinking about how domestic the whole affair was. He just couldn’t shake the feeling of delight whenever he thought about it. He and Connor were stationed in his room, limbs thrown on top of one another. Evan was studying for English and Connor was reading just for fun. Every so often, Connor would nudge Evan and ask questions, just to make sure Evan was actually reading the book. But Evan wasn’t. Not really. He was more enjoying the quietness of the night. There was really nothing Evan would rather do more than sit in silence with Connor.He snuck a peak at Connor, who looked beautiful as he concentrated on the words in front of him. Evan would make his move over Admitted Students Weekend. He was going in. All or nothing. Like Jared said, it was time to define the relationship.He just hoped Connor felt the same way.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Eleven. The weekend had started off soundly. The gang had met up Friday night to discuss who was going with who and who was going to take what. They divided up basic toiletries so that everyone’s bags weren’t filled with miscellaneous crap. Evan offered to buy snacks for the hotel and Jared added he’d buy breakfast sandwiches for everyone for the ride there. They also had decided to drive separately, with Alana and Zoe going in one car and the boys going in the other. Connor chose to drive because his Jeep had more space than Jared’s truck and Alana said that she and Zoe would take the majority of the bags with them because they didn’t have a third passenger. Everything was planned out. Evan felt like he was excited for the weekend.He was also incredibly nervous, for apparent and understandable reasons. He was going to be spending three hours in a car with both Jared and Connor only to get out of the car and go spend a weekend with them in a hotel. Jared knew almost everything that Evan felt for Connor and Evan knew he was going to push that in order to help Evan. And Evan didn’t want Connor to get mad before Evan got to make his move.“Let’s do this!” Jared shouted, hitting the roof of Connor’s car. He and Evan had finished loading their things in Alana’s car before hopping in Connor’s jeep. Jared had winked at Evan as he wordlessly took the backseat.“Please don’t hurt my car,” Connor told him dully. Evan just rolled his eyes.Jared gave Connor sarcastic grin. “I’m glad you think I’m that strong, but Evan’s sitting right there.”Connor’s eyes narrowed as he glared into the middle mirror at Evan’s best friend. “Fuck you, Kleinman.”“Again,” Jared laughed. “Evan is sitting right there.”Evan felt his face get hot. This was a topic he didn’t want to think about. Not with Jared in the car. Nor Connor for that matter. Obviously Evan had thought about it before, but it was a private thing. And also, this was not how he wanted to start his weekend. He was about to be sharing sleeping space with Connor. He didn’t want it being on his mind.“Okay,” Evan mumbled, shifting uncomfortably. It was going to be a long weekend. "Can you pass me my sandwich?" The ride wasn’t as horrible as Evan thought it would be. Jared ended up falling asleep so there were no fights or awkward conversations. Evan didn’t have to play the middleman. It was just him and Connor, driving mostly in silence, and it was comfortable.The worst part was the traffic, which was bumper to bumper for most of the ride down the interstate. Evan kept checking his phone because with each passing hour, they were running late. And Evan hated being late. He didn’t like the idea of missing out, especially on important information.After an extra hour and a half on the road, they finally reached their hotel. Quickly, they got checked in and lugged their bags upstairs. Thankfully, Alana was about as strict with her time as Evan was. They spent only ten minutes in their respective rooms before she took control and had everyone back in their cars.Evan could feel the nerves in his body grow as they got closer and closer to the university. He had never seen it before. Not in person. He had seen it in pictures and done a virtual tour online before applying, but he and his mom had never got out here. She was always too busy.Walking through the gates, Evan was astounded by the site ahead of him. Huge columns lined the entrance of a building that Evan recognized from the online tour. They called it Old Main. It was a grand building that reminded Evan much of a castle. Dozens of windows lined the building, giving off a timeless and regal vibe. Evan felt chills. The campus was even better in person than it was in pictures. Evan couldn’t believe he was going here.“Hi!” A boy with a cheerful smile greeted, snapping Evan out of his trance. The boy waved them over to a busy, rectangular table that had a welcome banner stretched along the front.Evan read the name pinned to his shirt as he walked over. Michael. “Are you all for Admitted Students Weekend?”“We are,” Alana answered, stepping forward. She held out her arm. “I’m Alana.”“Call me Mike,” the boy replied, shaking her hand. “Are these all your guests?”“Nah,” Jared told him. “We’re all coming in.”“Well, except me,” Zoe added shyly, glancing at the boy Mike. Evan didn’t think he had ever seen her shy a day in his life. She moved closer to Connor. “I’m his sister.”“No problem,” Mike grinned at her. He held up a clipboard. “I’m just going to check you all in.”Mike took everyone’s names, going through and marking them off. He then gave them a sticker and a sharpie. The gang were instructed to write their names on it, as they’d be meeting a bunch of peers.“Basically,” Michael said. “It’s a half a day of important information sessions and half a day of clubs and random games. Then tomorrow you get to free roam, hang out with whomever you clicked with. Various events will be going on.”“I think we already have that second part down,” Jared joked, motioning to everyone.“Sure,” Michael nodded. He looked towards Zoe again, eyeing her up and down. “But it can’t help but to expand your circle.”Connor hummed and shot Mike a disapproving look. He stepped in front of Zoe slightly, who just chuckled and patted her brother on the back.Michael cleared his throat. “I mean, it’s good for study groups and such.”Evan disagreed. He disagreed with Michael very much. Evan had everyone he needed in this small circle of people with him. In fact, he had more than who he needed. And he didn’t want anyone else.Out of instinct, Evan moved in-between Jared and Connor. They were the two that gave him the most sense of security. The two that Evan needed the most. Jared shot him a small, comforting smile that reminded Evan to breathe.Now all he had to do was get through the day. As Evan feared, they had missed the welcome assembly. However, Jared and Alana managed to somehow get them all tote bags that were given out. They contained all the important documents that the Dean had gone over. Evan assumed he should thank Alana more than Jared, as she was more demanding than he was charming, but Evan happily let Jared gloat as he glanced over the folder of information. This would do him fine.They then spent the day avoiding the orientation games. Despite what Michael advised, they were just fine with being their own circle. Instead they looked at the tables. Various clubs and university organizations had people walking around, handing out flyers and trying to get emails from interested students.Alana went towards the honor societies. Zoe tagged along with her because some of them were considered sororities, which peaked her interest. Jared eventually drifted towards the gamers club. Connor visited a group for creative writing and a table for a book club. And Evan. Well. Evan didn’t want any part of anything, so he just stuck close to Connor.“There’s nothing you want to see?” Connor asked him skeptically. “There’s tons of things here.”Evan shook his head. He was already overwhelmed by the prospect of going to school with thousands of new people. He had extreme social anxiety and just wanted an easy transition into his first year of college. He had his group. He didn’t want to willingly add a whole new group of people he was going to have to talk to.“No, but maybe next year,” Evan answered. “I just want to focus on my studies and my mental health.”Connor nodded, understanding where Evan was coming from without Evan needing to explain. Evan enjoyed that. Since that miserable day where Evan had to go and grovel for forgiveness, there seemed to be nothing the two couldn’t say to each other. Nothing was off the table – especially if it was about mental health as they both seemed to deal with it. And it was nice for Evan to be able to be so honest with someone in a casual way. If Evan would have said that to his mom or to Jared, they probably would have panicked and asked Evan if he needed to see his therapist soon or change his medication.But with Connor, Evan could just be himself. It was relief. Connor saw Evan for Evan. And liked Evan. At least, Evan hoped Connor liked him.“They have an LGBT-friendly group,” Connor told him, motioning to a table a few feet ahead. “Maybe next year we can join?”Evan bit his lip, contemplating whether or not he wanted to go over. It wasn’t that Evan was ashamed of himself or scared of people knowing he was bisexual. Evan was proud of who he was. It was just right now, the whole thing seemed daunting.However, it pleased Evan that Connor was already thinking of them in terms of next year. That meant that Connor was thinking he’d still be friends with Evan next year. Or maybe more than friends with Evan next year. Evan felt excitement run through his veins.Evan looked at Connor and smiled widely. “Sure, why not?" That night, they ended up a frat party for a name that Evan couldn’t remember nor understand. It was Phi Kappa Sig Theta something or other. Zoe and Alana were invited for free, but the boys had to drop five dollars. Originally they weren’t going to do it, but both the girls threatened to go alone and neither Connor nor Jared was going to let that fly.Evan ended up in the corner of a basement room drinking something horrible out of a red solo cup. He had zero idea where Connor had gone, but he assumed it was after Zoe. Evan wasn’t mad about it. If his seventeen year old sister was getting drunk around college boys, he’d be right behind her at all times.“Hey there,” a sultry voice to his left said. Evan turned to see a pretty, red haired girl in a tight blue dress leaning against the wall. “I’m Casey.”“Evan,” he responded, giving the girl a cordial smile. His eyes swept the room, looking for a face he knew. Nothing.“You here alone?” Casey asked, noticing Evan look around.“My friends are around,” Evan told her. “We’re here for the weekend.”“Fresh meat,” she grinned widely. She leaned in close and Evan smelt a mixture of weed and alcohol on her breath. He wanted to gag. “Interesting.”Evan laughed uncomfortably, leaning back against the wall. “I guess.”“You’re a cute one,” she said, cocking her head to the side. Evan had to applaud her for being so brazen. He couldn’t even tell the boy he was already somewhat dating that he liked him. “Do you want to head outside?”“Oh. Uh,” Evan stuttered, rubbing his arm. “Well, actually I –““He’s good.”Relief flooded Evan’s body at the sound of the familiar voice. He quickly turned towards it, angling his body away from the girl’s. “And who are you?” Casey frowned. She didn’t look too pleased by the intrusion but Evan thought Connor had great timing.Connor stepped forward an inch. “Don’t worry about it,” he replied coolly.Casey stared for a moment and then rolled her eyes. “Gays,” she mumbled. Evan frowned. That was rude.Before leaving, she looked past Connor towards Evan. “Your boyfriend is too possessive.” Connor glared at her as Evan flushed. Evan fucking wished. He felt his stomach turn at the reminder that he still had to talk to Connor about the word she used. Evan took another sip of his drink to settle his nerves.“What a bitch,” Connor declared, turning back to Evan. He gave Evan a small smile. How could he act so casual after being mistaken for Evan’s boyfriend? Evan was freaking out inside. The word made him feel scared, giddy, and nervous all at the same time. “Yeah, well.” Evan began. He raised his glass awkwardly. “Thanks for that.”Connor didn't say anything, but he looked Evan up and down twice. He was seemingly taking in how Evan looked in contrast to everyone else. Evan didn't fit here and Connor could see that. Evan felt naked. Connor saw right through him every single time.“Want to get some air?” Connor asked, motioning his head towards some stairs. “Jared’s watching Zoe, but he’s also drinking so.”Evan nodded, understanding that there wasn’t much time before Connor had to check back in with his sister. Evan appreciated Connor making time for him. He had tried really hard to blend in, not look so tense, not be so in his head. But that was hard to do when Evan was so overwhelmed by his surroundings. “There’s nothing I’d rather do more.”Connor grabbed Evan by the sleeve of his jacket and pulled him close. Evan allowed himself to be led through the crowd by Connor, trying not to focus on the feeling of Connor’s back pressed into his body.Once they got outside, they found a small nook on the side of the house that was unoccupied. Connor loosened his grip on Evan as they got comfortable but didn’t let go completely. Evan was okay with that. He wasn’t in the mood to be separated anyway.For a few minutes, the pair just sat in silence. Connor was looking out at the road, watching cars pass by at dangerously high speeds. Evan watched Connor while occasionally taking small sips of his drink. It really was awful.“That girl,” Connor finally spoke, looking over at Evan. He looked slightly deflated. “She was pretty.”Evan looked at Connor shocked. This was not what he expected to talk about. “You think so?” “Do I think so?” Connor frowned. “You’re the one that likes girls.”Evan shrugged. “I didn’t really care for her.”“She hit on you,” Connor said accusingly.“And?” Evan asked, bewildered. “I don’t have to think everyone that hits on me is pretty.”Connor let go of Evan, shaking his head. He glanced back out onto the road.“I guess,” Connor began, whispering to himself. “I don’t know. I don’t like it.”Evan felt his body go numb. He was waiting for this. Connor had never really showed his feelings ever. Not since Evan was a fool and stood him up. And now he had finally opened the door. "I don’t like it either," he told Connor quietly. This was his moment.“You don’t like being hit on?” Connor asked in disbelief. “I feel like everyone likes to be hit on.” “No,” Evan shook his head. He felt good. He felt brave. He felt slightly buzzed. He was going to rise to the occasion. “Not when I have a crush on someone else.” Connor froze, staring at Evan with wide eyes. Evan held his position, trying not to waiver underneath the intensity of the situation. He was so done with the waiting and wondering. Evan had made a promise to himself before they left that he was going to define their relationship. And he was. “Connor.” Connor snapped into motion as soon as Evan said his name. He grabbed Evan by the front of his shirt and pulled them together, lips meeting in a frantic kiss. Evan’s drink fell forgotten to the ground. Connor bit Evan’s bottom lip and Evan moaned, opening his lips to allow access for Connor to deepen the kiss. He pushed Evan up against the wall of the house and Evan wrapped his arms around the boy, making sure they didn’t lose contact. Evan didn’t want to ever be without the feeling of Connor touching him.After what felt like forever but not nearly enough time for Evan, Connor stepped back with a lingering kiss. Evan opened his eyes slowly to see Connor standing close in front of him. Connor looked beautiful in the moonlight. His eyes reflected off the moon and glowed like they had trapped some of the sky from the day. Evan didn’t think he’d ever seen Connor’s eyes look so clear. He felt the wind go through his body and he shuddered. Connor was the most amazing thing he had ever seen.Evan opened his mouth and closed it a few times, not knowing what to say. He didn’t want to ruin this, but he needed to know. He wanted to - “You look like a fish, Hansen.” Connor joked, mocking Evan. His hair was messed up and he grinning widely. If he didn’t look as happy as he did, and if Evan wasn’t as happy as he was, Evan would have probably smacked him. However, instead, he reached for Connor’s hands and interlocked their fingers. Evan squeezed them nervously. “Can we talk soon?” Connor’s grin faded to a soft smile. “Yeah, let’s do that.” It wasn’t until two o’clock in the morning that Evan gave up hope of talking to Connor that night. Evan had been on edge since the kiss at the party and was looking forward to returning to the hotel, putting the rest to bed, and having a talk with Connor. But life hardly ever went the way Evan planned it in his mind. When they left the frat party, Alana, Zoe, and Jared were drunk and wired. They weren’t planning on going to bed anytime soon. Instead, the three demanded Connor get them White Castle. Evan watched in disgust as they all sat on Jared and Evan’s bed, feasting on a case of thirty small burgers. He had to sleep there tonight.Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Corner pulling out pajamas. Evan watched frowning as Connor got ready for bed. Connor didn’t seem to be as in a rush as Evan was to define what they were. Evan felt his anxiety spike. What if Connor was just humoring him? What if he was perfectly fine with not having this conversation ever?You are fine. It is fine. Everything is fine. Evan shook his head when Connor came out of the bathroom. No way would Connor do that. Not after everything. But like, also what if? What if Connor was going to expand his circle and push Evan out? He did visit a lot of tables today.Glancing over, he locked eyes with Connor. Connor gave Evan a small, private smile and Evan felt all the irrational thoughts wash right out of his mind.Evan smiled back. He guessed he could wait a little while longer. Evan was relieved when his friends finally sobered up and winded down around 5:30 in the morning. He walked Alana and Zoe back to their room and made sure they got into bed okay. Alana had Evan promise to wake her up by 11, just so they’d be able to spend some time on campus before leaving.When he got back to his room, Jared was passed out across their bed. Evan rolled his eyes at the sounds of the snores coming from his best friend. He wasn't looking forward to having to sleep around that. “He’s going to have such a hangover,” Connor said from his own bed.“I know,” Evan replied. “I’m looking forward to it.”Connor laughed. “Me too.”Evan walked over to his bed. He was going to have to maneuver Jared around and try to pull the covers out without waking him up. And Evan had no idea how that going to happen.Connor watched as Evan tried to roll Jared over, only to have Jared randomly flail and roll back to his original position. He watched as Evan tried a single, strong yank of the blanket. He watched as Evan gave up and cursed his friend for the rest of eternity.“That’s dramatic,” Connor told him after Evan said he was considering suffocating Jared because dead weight would be easier to work with.“You can get suffocated too,” Evan responded, glaring.“Or,” Connor drawled, rolling his eyes. “I could share my bed.” Evan’s look of anger quickly turned into one of shock. “What?”“Well,” Connor blushed. “I mean, we’ve laid in the same bed for hours before.” Connor pulled the covers down and patted his bed. Evan hesitantly walked over. They had just established that both of them wanted to be more than friends. Sleeping together was going to be much more intimate than just hanging out in the same room whenever they got together. He sat down on Connor’s bed and let out a shaky laugh.Connor gave him a tired smile. “Do you want to sleep top to tail?”“No,” Evan replied, shaking his head. “I just. Okay.”“You’re okay, Hansen.” Connor told him, getting comfortable. “Just breathe.”Evan listened. He took a few deep breaths and laid down. He decided to lay flat on his back, not facing Connor but also not facing away. Evan felt Connor watching him out of the corner of his eye. He focused on watching the ceiling fan rotate, feeling himself calm down as he counted how many times it went around. So far, he was at 36.---“You have a crush on me?” Connor asked, breaking a few minutes of silence.Evan didn’t know it was possible to choke on air until then. “Uhm,” he coughed. What the hell? “Sorry,” Connor replied quickly. He shifted uncomfortably. “You don’t have to answer that.” “No, no.” Evan answered. He took a breath, looking at Connor. Evan noticed he was biting the inside of his cheek. “It’s fine. Just unexpected.”“Hansen,” Connor said nervously. Evan was surprised, usually he was the one sweating it. “In your letter, you wrote that I was unexpected but a good thing. Remember?”Evan nodded. Of course. Of course he remembered writing that. He remembered it like it was yesterday. He could recall the desperation, the panic, the pain, the hope. Evan could still feel it all.“Well,” Connor said turning on his side to face Evan. “In my lists that I write, you appear over and over again.” Evan felt his heart stop. “I do?”“Yeah,” Connor whispered. “As reasons for why life is worth living.”A warmness spread throughout Evan’s body. He wasn’t expecting that. “Sometimes I only write your name,” Connor confessed, blushing. “Over and over.”A smile spread across Evan’s face. He absolutely adored Connor.“You know,” Evan responded. “At times, you annoy me. You frustrate me. And sometimes I still think I hate you.”Evan watched as Connor frowned more and more with each thing Evan listed, squeezing his hand around the bedspread tightly.“However,” Evan continued. He reached for Connor’s hand, wanting to feel the security that was the boy next to him. “You also surprise me. You make me feel alive. And safe. And happy. And at all times, not just sometimes, I want to be your boyfriend.” Connor laughed softly. “You’re such an asshole,” he mumbled, pushing Evan away without letting go of him. Evan breathed in relief. “You didn’t deny me though.”“I have a crush on you too,” Connor answered, glancing down at their hands. He moved his thumb in small circles arounds Evan’s. Evan watched him, not being able to speak. He was feeling a joy he had never felt in his entire life. And for once, it wasn’t accompanied by anxiety. This was happening. “And I would never deny you.”Connor leaned in, capturing Evan’s lips in a slow and romantic kiss. Evan felt his heart burst. It was like he was melting. Connor took his time, kissing him like he never had before. It was softer than anything Evan was used to. And it drove Evan insane. Evan pushed harder against Connor, deepening the kiss slightly. That was apparently all the encouragement Connor needed because before Evan could ask what he was doing, Connor was on top of Evan. Straddling him much like Evan had done that fateful day that started it all.Remembering the way it felt made Evan moan and shift his hips up to meet Connor’s. Connor froze for a second and Evan had wondered if he did something maybe he shouldn’t have. Connor looked over at Jared, who didn't move from the sound. Shit. Evan completely forgot he was here.After looking at Evan for what felt like hours, Connor dived back down to catch Evans lips, obliging to Evan’s request for more contact. Connor grinded his hips across Evan's as he moved his lips from Evan’s mouth to his neck. Evan pushed up harder, hands going to Connor’s hair as Connor nibbled and sucked on Evan’s pulse point. He gasped and yanked at Connor’s hair; Connor responded by biting harder on his neck.“Connor,” Evan managed to breathe. “Jared.”Connor quickly stopped and sat up. “Sorry.”Evan shook his head, taking in the boy on top of him. His long hair was sticking up in the places where Evan had played with it. He was breathing heavily and grinning like a maniac. He looked wild. He looked beautiful. And he was Evan’s. Right?“Does this mean you’re my boyfriend?” Evan asked boldly. Please, please, please.Connor rolled his eyes and slid off of him. “If I have to be.” Evan laughed, feeling on cloud nine. Yeah, he really did have to be.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Twelve. As an exciting April came to a close, Evan was feeling an extreme sense of senioritis. School seemed to wind down and May rolled around slowly. Evan figured it was an anticipation thing. Most of his classes were AP and they ended the third week of May.Evan felt like he was just watching the calendar, waiting for the day he could say he had three weeks left of school. He planned to take full advantage of only having to go to gym, Calculus, and English class. He had made a list of all the things he was going to do. He was going to try to run two more miles every day. He was going to binge play the new League of Legends expansion for a whole day. He was going to go biking with Jared. And, most importantly, Evan was going to get to know his boyfriend more. If he were honest, Evan thought he learned a lot already, but one could always know more. Everyone had skeletons in their closets. And up until recently, Evan would have bet Connor had real ones hiding in there. But there was none. Connor was Connor. And everything Evan discovered about Connor surprised him but also didn’t. They all fit who he was.For instance, Evan learned how Connor took his coffee – iced, caramel black with a little bit of whipped cream on top. He learned how Connor preferred chunky peanut butter to creamy. And almond milk over anything else. Evan discovered that Connor was more of a candy person than a chocolate, which Evan thought was very weird. Evan learned how Connor had a huge love of early 2000 pop music. And that, much like his sister, Connor was skilled in the music department. Connor could play the piano, the clarinet, and the trumpet – though he hated the trumpet. Evan also learned more important things. Like how Connor sounded when sick or anxious. He learned what books and television shows made Connor feel better. Evan finally got to read Connor’s lists; Connor wasn’t lying when he said he sometimes only wrote Evan’s name. They talked about Connor’s Bipolar Disorder. Connor told Evan that sometimes he lost a lot of sleep and at other times he slept too much. Evan saw all of Connor’s medications that he took to try to stay balanced. He wasn’t at all surprised by Connor’s strength and endurance. Connor could do anything. And Evan told him that. Over and over and over.In return, Evan let Connor have access to every single Dear Evan Hansen letter he had ever written. They seemed insignificant compared to Connor’s disorder, honestly, but Connor didn’t make Evan feel that way. Connor treated Evan’s anxiety like it was the most fragile thing in the world. He was gentle about asking questions and was sure to let Evan lead the conversation. They talked about his anxiety and bonded over the fact that both of them were no stranger to panic attacks.It was nice getting to know Connor. It was even nicer opening up. Evan finally felt like he had something in his life that was solid and strong. He felt like he could be completely who he was at all times and Connor wouldn’t run away.Evan still couldn’t believe he had managed to get a boyfriend. Someone who ended up being beyond anything Evan ever thought possible. Connor was something else.However, there were some things that Evan wasn’t a huge fan of. Like, for instance, how Connor didn’t want to go to prom.---“What do you mean you don’t want to go to prom?” Alana asked one day at lunch. She had just finished excitedly saying prom tickets were selling out fast. “Dude,” Jared replied in shock. “You have to go to prom.”Connor narrowed his eyes. “I do not have to go to prom.”Evan frowned but didn’t vocalize anything. He wasn’t exactly sure if he wanted to go to prom either. It was always something that Evan assumed he wouldn’t go to. However, he’d never had a boyfriend to go with before either.“What if Evan wants to go to prom?” Jared pressed, looking over at Evan. “Would you go to prom then?”Connor opened his mouth and closed it. He looked to Evan with a furrowed brow. “Do you?”“I don’t know,” Evan shrugged. It had never been a real option before. “It would be kind of nice, I guess.”“Oh,” Connor replied, lips turning down slightly. “Okay.”“I mean, or…” Evan continued. “It’s like, it isn't a big deal.”“Evan,” Jared cut in. “You can want some things.”Connor continued to frown as he threw an angry glance at Jared. Jared looked back at him with the same sort of ferocity. Evan felt himself get anxious. His two boys weren’t allowed to fight. Not in front of him. “We’ll see,” Connor mumbled finally, diving back into his sandwich. Evan sighed. Now he and Connor were going to have to talk about this, which could lead to their first real argument. Well, real post-relationship argument. Which seemed much more daunting then any fight Evan had ever had with Connor. Like, what if it was a bad one? Was prom really even all that worth it?Evan felt his skin crawl. He really hated confrontation.
Dear Evan Hansen,
Today is going to be a good day and here’s is why: it’s been exactly one month since I’ve started dating Connor. Saying that, I still can’t believe it. Like, my boyfriend is Connor. Connor freaking Murphy. My incredibly sweet, somewhat annoying boyfriend that I adore so much is the boy I used to hate. Who would believe that?
Not most of the school. Not my mom. Not his parents. We really shocked everyone. For the first few days, it was really hard to be the center of attention. But I’m glad that’s calmed down. My life has returned to normal. Well, as normal as normal can be with when you have anxiety.
Anyway, school time.
Sincerely,
Me.
Evan Hansen paused outside of his homeroom, tapping his finger against the letter in his pocket. He was nervous. The day didn’t start off this way, but right leaving for school Evan received a text message from Connor. The text said they needed to talk before class. That was it. Connor provided no other information. And that, of course, scared the hell out of Evan. Though it could be many things, Evan always considered the phrase ‘we need to talk’ the universal code for breaking up. And Evan didn’t want to break up.However, maybe that wasn’t up to him. Perhaps Connor decided enough was enough. A month trial and that was that. Evan didn’t make the cut. Maybe Evan was too needy or too anxious. Maybe he wasn’t what Connor signed up for. Maybe wanting to go to prom was the tipping point.Or maybe it wasn’t. It was possible that Connor wanted to talk about prom before class. They still needed to talk about it. Besides, homeroom before school wasn’t exactly a prime break up spot. Connor could want to talk about literally anything. Evan could get lucky.After counting to ten, Evan pulled open the classroom door slowly. His Dear Evan Hansen letter for his therapist appointment today felt like it was weighing him down.Connor was sitting in his normal desk with his headphones in. He had a book in his hand and he was bouncing his knee to the rhythm of whatever song was blasting through his ears. Evan walked over, dreading the interaction already, and tapped him on the shoulder. Connor jumped around, swinging the book. It hit Evan right across his bicep. “Sorry,” Connor said, smiling sheepishly. “But who the hell does that?”Evan shrugged, shifting anxiously. Connor smiling was a good sign. “I guess I do.”“Right,” Connor laughed lightly. He motioned to the chair next to him. “Sit.”“Uhm,” Evan said, considering the idea. On one hand, he wanted to act cool and normal. On the other hand, if he ended up on the verge of tears and needed to make a swift exit then he wanted that option too. “Well.” “Evan,” Connor told him again. Connor looked at him weirdly. “Sit down.”Evan sighed. Giving into his boyfriend, he slid into the seat adjacent to Connor. Evan thought this was better off, his legs felt too shaky anyway. Evan bit his lip, looking over at Connor. “Is this talk good or bad?”“Well,” Connor said, considering something. “Depends on your definition of bad.”Evan felt his anxiety rise into his chest. His breathing labored slightly. “Are you – are we…?”“What!?” Connor exclaimed, eyes wide. “No! I mean, no? I hope not. Right?”“No,” Evan replied, frantically shaking his head. He tried to push down the lump in his throat. “No.”“Good,” Connor nodded. “Don’t scare me like that.”Evan closed his eyes, feeling the dread inside him subside lightly at Connor’s panic. Connor didn’t want to break up. That was good. But he still wanted to talk. And it still could be so many other bad things. Evan had a very broad definition of bad. "Then why did you want to talk?”“Right.” Connor replied. “Well. It’s my parents.”“Your parents?” Evan questioned. Did they not approve? Evan probably wouldn’t if he was them. Not with their history.Connor turned a deep shade of pink. “They want to meet you. Like properly.”Evan’s mouth formed an “oh” but no words came out. Right. Of course.Obviously, Evan had met Connor's parents before, but this was different. This was so much different. Evan was no longer that kid in the principal’s office that the Murphys had to smile at even though they probably wanted to kill him. He was now Connor’s boyfriend. “I see.”“Yeah,” Connor said. “That’s what I wanted to talk about.”“When?” Evan asked, feeling the anxiety rise back up into his chest. Despite not being broken up with, this was not shaping up to be a great morning for Evan. The constant back and forth of anxiety was getting too much for him to handle.“Saturday,” Connor told him. He reached out to rub Evan’s shoulder gently. “Look, I know it’s a big deal, but…”Evan leaned into Connor's touch. “Yeah,” he agreed. Evan had to meet them eventually. “Okay, so Saturday. Alright.”Connor’s face lit up. There was a hopefulness to his smile and Evan felt some of his worry fade away with the brightness in Connor’s eyes. “Really?”Evan nodded, forcing himself to smile. He could do this. “Only if you never promise to send me a we need to talk text again.”Connor laughed. “You’ve got a deal.” When Evan and Jared arrived to the jazz room for lunch that day, Connor wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Nor was Alana. Zoe was sitting alone, eating a big salad and going over sheet music. She looked up when the boys walked in. “The spring recital,” Zoe said, mouth full of food. “Will be the death of me.”Evan felt bad for her. Spring recitals were awful for juniors. The director overloaded them with solos and small group numbers because it was usually a chance for them to be seen. The spring show was when scouts from different colleges would come and watch for promising talent. It was a chance for a scholarship, maybe even a college acceptance. “Are you going for music?” Evan asked, knowing it was a bit harder for those who were. Connor was doing English. It was possible Zoe was just as art focused.“No,” Zoe replied, shaking her head. “Law, actually, like my dad. I’ll have a job right out of school.” “Oh," Evan said, perking up. "My mom’s practicing to become a lawyer. In time. Paralegal first.”“Huh,” Zoe said, impressed. “Mention that when you come for dinner.” Evan nodded, making a mental note to do so. He didn't know why his mom's profession mattered, Evan would take the brownie points if it gave him any.“Speaking of," Evan asked. "Where is Connor?” Evan took out his phone but nothing was on it. “Oh!” Zoe laughed. “Sorry. He’s with Alana. Something about needing help. Senior things. I don’t know.”Ah, Evan thought. Poor Connor. Alana could be very persuasive when she needed to be. And by persuasive, Evan meant demanding. Connor was probably doing some hard labor like moving boxes, or making t-shirts, or trying to solve world hunger by actually cooking and packing the food.Jared frowned. “Why didn’t she wait for me?” Zoe shrugged, taking a bite of her food. She gave Jared a coy smile. “Maybe she thinks Connor is stronger.” “You take that back!” Jared exclaimed. He flexed his right arm, then his left. “Look at this gun show.” Evan shot his best friend a disgusted look. “I’m trying to eat here.”Jared scoffed. "You love it."Zoe nearly choked on her food. When Saturday came around, Jared volunteered to drop Evan off to the Murphy’s on his way to Alana’s house. Evan said yes, jumping at the chance. He was actually quite thankful for the time alone with his best friend. Jared had already gone through this. He had already met Alana’s wealthy parents, with their higher standards and ideals, and was welcomed back. And if Jared could do it, Evan could too.“First of all,” Jared deadpanned when Evan asked him for tips. “You want to start from the outside and work your way in.” “You’re an asshole,” Evan said. Evan wasn’t talking about cutlery and Jared knew that. “I’m serious.” “So am I,” Jared shot back. “It’s a huge deal.” “It is really?” Evan asked. Because if it was then he was already screwed. Jared sighed at Evan's worried expression and mumbled out a no. Evan wanted to kill him. “Jared!”“They are just people. Like us.” Jared replied, rolling his eyes. “Just with a little bit more money.”Evan sighed. People with a lot more money. People who lived on the other side of town, in an exclusive neighborhood that Evan used to drive through with his mom just to look at the homes. People who Evan couldn't be equal with even in his dreams.As they turned to corner onto Connor's street, Evan saw Connor waiting for him outside. Connor was pacing back and forth in front of his door, looking down at his phone. Evan felt himself get dizzy just looking at him. Connor really needed to stand still.“I don’t do well with people,” Evan replied, turning his attention back to Jared. Like, not at all. Not even people like himself.Jared glanced at Connor as he slowed to a stop. “Don’t let him psyche you out. Alana cancelled me meeting her family three times. She had me panicked for no reason other than she was nervous too.”“That’s really motivating,” Evan told him sarcastically. He looked to Connor, who had spotted them and was waiting. He had moved on to bouncing from foot to foot. “It should be!” Jared exclaimed. “Look, you’re better than you think. Just be yourself. Answer questions honestly. And be kind. Now get out of my car.”Evan nodded, still looking at Connor while he got out. Connor gave him a shaky smile.Evan could be himself. He could be honest. He could be kind. Evan could do all that.Evan had this. Evan was having an okay time so far.Walking through the door with Connor had been the most tense part of the night so far. It was awkward because both Evan and Connor were obviously on edge and both of them were trying to seem like they weren’t. It made things uncomfortable. However, Mr. Murphy and Mrs. Murphy were much more calm about the situation. Calm enough for Evan to relax slightly. They welcomed Evan into their home without any pretense or judgement. They didn’t bring up the past. They stuck to general, cordial questions about how he was doing and how school was going. Evan answered them easily. It was fine.And then dinner time rolled around.“So. Evan,” Mrs. Murphy started. “Have you decided where you’re going to college?”“Mom,” Connor scolded. “You’ve only just met him.”Mr. Murphy sighed and dropped his fork to his plate. “It’s just a question, son.”“It’s – it’s alright,” Evan said, giving Connor a meaningful look. Evan could handle these questions. It was terrifying to talk about the future with his new boyfriend's parents, but he at least an answer. And that had to count for something. “I’m actually going to Penn State too.”“Oh,” Mrs. Murphy exclaimed with a surprised tone. She glanced towards her husband."Yeah," Evan replied. He was going with Connor. Surprise.Mrs. Murphy smiled at Evan and looked towards her son. “Can I ask Evan what he plans to do there, Connor?”Connor scoffed. Evan heard Zoe muffle her laughter from across the table. She was clearly enjoying this."Uh," Evan tensed, feeling sweat form on his brow. He didn't know whether she actually wanted an answer or was just teasing Connor. “I'm going for accounting.” Mr. Murphy gave a low whistle. “Tough degree.”“Dad,” Connor warned.Mr. Murphy looked at his son with exasperation but ignored him. “Is your mom in that field?” “No. She’s a nurse but she’s going to school for law,” Evan replied. He looked to Zoe, who looked at him encouragingly. Okay, so he did that right. “I’ve always had a thing for numbers, especially algebra, so I thought maybe accounting would be my best route. Law isn’t really my thing. Hospitals aren’t either. But numbers. They just make sense, so…”Connor coughed, cutting Evan off. “Evan's a calculus genius. Saved my grade all year.”"I'm sure teaching my son math was tough,” Mrs. Murphy replied.Evan blushed. "It was nothing.""It is something," Mr. Murphy told him. "And your mom sounds hardworking and admirable. If she is ever looking for a job, shoot her this way.”“Thank you,” Evan answered surprised. He made a mental note to tell his mom. “And sorry, I tend to talk a lot when I’m nervous.” Mr. Murphy gave a low chuckle that reminded Evan in that moment of Connor. Connor sometimes laughed like that whenever he was amused by Evan’s panic or irrational behavior but didn’t quite want to draw attention to it. It was weird to notice the similarities, since Connor didn’t look like his father at all. They were built differently. Connor was all limbs where his father was all muscle. Connor was lanky and thin, his father was broad and wide. The only physical characteristics they shared were the blue eyes and the height. So did the mom, whom both Zoe and Connor looked more like. Evan thought was a blessed family. “We don’t mean to make you nervous,” Mrs. Murphy replied, frowning. “Accounting is great degree.”“Fiscally rewarding too.” Mr. Murphy added. “Good move.”Evan had no idea how to tell them that anxious was his normal disposition without sounding horribly sad. “Thanks.” Again.Silence fell around the table for a moment and Evan took the moment to breathe. Things were going okay.Evan felt pressure on his knee and looked down to see Connor’s hand resting faced upwards. Evan dropped his hand to his lap, lacing their pinkies.“So,” Connor started. “Now that Evan’s passed the deadbeat test, can we move on?”Evan watched red-faced as Mrs. Murphy and Mr. Murphy exchange a silent conversation. Finally, Mrs. Murphy looked at Evan. “I hoped you saved some room for dessert.”Not at all, Evan thought, as he nodded a confirmation in her direction. He’d force it down. After dinner, Connor invited Evan upstairs to his room. Evan was totally fine with that. His mother wouldn’t be home until well past midnight and the dinner had been very anxiety inducing so Evan didn’t want to be alone. They ended up sitting side by side on Connor’s bed, with Evan sitting cross legged next to Connor, doing the last of their AP Euro homework. At first, Evan had blushed when Connor slid up next to him, but Evan had to remind himself that this was no different than anything they did at his own house. Connor still seemed on edge from dinner, which Evan thought was weird because it had gone better than expected, but Connor kept bouncing his foot up and down as he rested his head against his headboard. It was making Evan unable to focus.“Is everything alright?” Evan asked, glancing up from his homework.Connor opened his eyes and looked over at Evan confused. “Yes,” he said, still bouncing his foot. “Why?Evan stretched his legs out and hit his foot against Connor’s. “You’re not even doing anything.”Connor looked down. “Oh.”“Oh,” Evan replied back, swaying into Connor. Evan’s eyes softened as he stared in Connor’s cloudy eyes. Something was off. “What’s wrong?”“Nothing,” Connor said, shaking his head. “Honestly. It’s just…”“Yes?”Connor sighed and grabbed for his backpack. Evan watched as he searched the bottom of his bag. Connor pulled out a white envelope and threw it onto Evan’s notebook. “Here,” Connor mumbled. “Because you came to this tonight.”Evan narrowed his eyes at the envelope.Connor rolled his eyes. “It won’t bite you, Hansen.”“Maybe not,” Evan said, studying it. “But what is it?”“It’s why I disappeared with Alana during lunch,” Connor replied. “Open it.” Evan did. Two small, rectangular pieces of paper fell out onto the bed. Evan grabbed for them. Prom tickets. Two of them. For next month. For prom. Evan couldn’t believe it. They hadn't even talked about it yet. “Alana said they were selling out,” Evan told him. “It’s a school dance,” Connor huffed. “There is no such thing,” “But,” Evan whispered, looking at them. “You said prom was lame.” “Prom is lame,” Connor defended. “And so are you. I’m hoping it’s like a negative times a negative.”“Shut up,” Evan huffed. He smiled excitedly at his boyfriend. Connor. His boyfriend. Who was taking him to prom. Connor laughed before smiling softly at Evan. “You make me want to do the lame things.”Evan looked to Connor. Connor seemed sincere. Connor was willing to set aside any reservations he had about going to prom to take Evan. Simply because Evan thought he might want to go. Connor had taken the initiative before it was too late, knowing Evan probably would have said he was fine with not going because he hated conflict. Connor had done that. For Evan.“I really like you,” Evan told him, because he did. Because the gesture was small and kind. And so very Connor.Connor raised an eyebrow at him, looking amused. “Because I got prom tickets?”“No,” Evan rolled his eyes. “It’s because underneath all that…teenage angst, you’re actually pretty sweet.””I am not angsty,” Connor frowned. He seemed a bit insulted. “I’m tough.”“You act tough,” Evan corrected. Honestly, he could take Connor down with a single poke, but instead of pointing that out Evan just nudged Connor and smiled.Connor looked at him for a minute. Evan stared back. In an ideal work, Connor would understand Evan was kidding and Evan wouldn’t have to be worried about this, but this wasn’t an ideal world. And Evan was still learning Connor’s ticks. "I'm -"Suddenly, Connor leaned in and pressed his lips to Evan’s before Evan could apologize. Evan melted into the kiss, pushing his books off his lap and angling his body towards his boyfriend's. Connor pulled back slightly, brushing their noses together before kissing him again. The kiss was warm, loving, and sweet. Evan felt it in his bones. Connor poured his entire feelings into the kiss and Evan did his best to make Connor feel the same.Eventually, at the sound of a knock, Connor broke away. Zoe was standing in the doorway, mumbling something about getting a room. Evan blushed. Connor gave her the finger, telling her his door was closed to begin with. She just shrugged and walked away. Wow. This was what having a boyfriend was like.“I really like you too,” Connor told him, turning back to face Evan. “Just by the way.”Evan grinned. He had kind of hoped.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Thirteen Evan stood in front of the mirror, frowning and fidgeting. He was nervous as all hell. Nothing about this was his thing. Prom. People. Wearing a suit.What the hell was he thinking?Who was he to believe that he could do this? He was not a normal kid. He couldn’t just go and have a fun time with his boyfriend and his friends.He wasn't capable of that. It just wasn’t something he could do.He couldn't even tie a fucking tie.“Damn it,” Evan muttered, throwing the piece of fabric to the floor. He was frustrated. So very frustrated.This whole thing sucked.“Having trouble?” An amused voice came from the hallway. “Do you think it’s too late to cancel?” Evan asked, looking back. He was only half joking.“No,” his mother replied, stepping into the room. “But I think you’d have some very upset people to deal with if you did.”“We could run away and never have to face them,” Evan suggested. “Always wanted to go to Canada.”His mother leaned down to pick up the tie. “It's within driving distance so they’d follow us.”“Europe is nice this time of year,” Evan said.“There are ways to embarrass yourself in Europe,” his mom told him. “Now stay still.”“Thank you,” Evan mumbled. He tried paying attention to how she was tying it for future reference, but he was too nervous to remember anything.“It’s my job,” his mother answered, smiling softly. “There we go."Evan turned to look at himself in the mirror. He and Connor had decided to go somewhat formal by wearing suits, not tuxedos, and switching up the colors. Connor chose the navy suit, which fair enough because it brought out his eyes, so Evan got stuck wearing a burgundy colored outfit.Evan didn’t hate it, but he didn’t love it either. The suit looked nice on him, Connor’s parents made sure they were professionally tailored, and the color matched well with his complexion, but Evan just felt really uncomfortable. Seriously - what the hell was he thinking saying he wanted to go to prom?“You know,” his mom started. “You look a lot like your –““I know,” Evan rushed. “But that's too overwhelming for me to process right now.”His mother laughed. "Then you just look great."Evan sighed, running a hand through his hair to make it messy.He didn't know about looking great, but this was the best it was going to get.The dance, as it turned out, was much like every other school function Evan had ever attended: anticlimactic. The school had displayed too much excitement for something that was held in a barely decorated school gymnasium with a DJ who played radio edits of family friendly songs.And despite the reasons being different, he and Connor seemed to draw everyone’s attention for simply existing in the same room.One would think they would be old news by now, however, apparently, they weren’t. Jared kept telling Evan that seeing him and Connor in color-coordinating suits made it “hit different,” but Evan couldn’t understand it. Everyone in this room matched their date. How were they any different?Despite being annoyed at his classmates, there was a part of Evan that was glad he came. Every high school kid had to get one dance in before they graduated. Might as well go out with a bang.And Evan could survive this. Like always. He could.Evan didn’t think he could say the same for Connor, though. In fact, Evan was sure that Connor was going to make them leave well before the last song played. He was so far out of his comfort zone and was trying to hide it with fake smiles, but Evan could feel the tension. Back in the day, whenever Connor was like this Evan would see how far he could push him. Now all Evan wanted to do was make his boyfriend feel better.Instead of dancing, Evan found a table in the farthermost corner of the gym. He placed Connor and himself along the wall, holding seats for Jared and Alana. He was comfortable here, secluded from everyone. Being out of the way gave them the luxury of watching their classmates dance suggestively with one another while the chaperones awkwardly looked on.Sometimes a brave teacher would interject and force people apart. The whole dance floor would boo them until they walked away. It was a scene Evan only thought existed in movies. He was pretty sure Jared was leading the reaction as well.Evan could do without the silence from Connor though, but it also wasn’t as if Evan going to force Connor to do anything at all. He appreciated Connor taking the initiative to ask him here and then actually follow through it. For Evan to turn around and demand things would be dangerous. It would probably end in a fight and Evan didn’t like fighting with Connor right now.“Are you okay?” Evan decided to ask after a few minutes of watching his boyfriend alternate between furiously glaring at whoever walked their way and diverting his gaze if they happened to make eye contact.Connor jolted. "Yes,” he forced. “I’m fine.” “Are you sure?” Evan continued. “Because you seem very...I don't know.” “You don't know,” Connor scoffed, looking away towards the DJ. After a moment, he took a breath and turned to face Evan with a serious expression. “Do you want to dance or something?”Evan couldn't control the surprised laugh that escaped from his throat. Connor shot him a glare.“What?” Evan coughed, trying to suppress his shock. Seriously, what? “Sorry.”“You’re laughing at me?” Connor asked, incredulously. “It was you who wanted to come to this fucking this!”"I know," Evan nodded quickly. “I did.”Connor raised an eyebrow. “I’m all for leaving.”“No – no!” Evan corrected. “I enjoy being here.”Connor’s mouth formed into a thin frown. “But?”“But nothing,” Evan told him, reaching out for Connor’s wrist. He traced his thumb gently along the bone. “I just wouldn’t make you do anything you were uncomfortable with.”Connor looked at him for a minute before shaking his head. “I don’t know,” he sighed.Evan gave his boyfriend a warm smile. “Trust me.”“I do,” Connor said, standing up. "Unfortunately." He nodded towards the dance floor. “Let’s go.”“Uh,” Evan stuttered. “Connor…” What? “What?”“Stop doing that,” Connor muttered, sounding frustrated. He ran his hands down his suit jacket twice, smoothing it over.Nervous, Evan recognized. That meant he was nervous.Same.“Sorry,” Evan apologized, mouth still gaped. “It’s just – what?”Connor rolled his eyes. “I didn’t get dressed up for nothing.”Connor reached out a hand to Evan, but Evan couldn’t force himself to take it. A million thoughts ran through his mind in an instant. Would they be stared at? Probably. Laughed at? Maybe, if the people were brave. Talked about? Definitely. Booed? Who? Would rumors spread? The hell? Would people avoid them? Knows?“Connor,” Evan started, shaking his head slightly. “I think we shou–“At that, Connor reached down and pulled Evan into a standing position. “You think too much,” he declared, grabbing Evan by the elbow and leading him determinedly onto the dance floor.You are fine. It is fine. Everything is fine. Evan repeated, not resisting his boyfriend. He wanted to dance. He did. Really.People moved quickly out of their way as Connor made a beeline for where he must have spotted Jared. Seeing his friends come into view relieved Evan's anxiety a little.
You are fine. It is fine. Everything is fine.
“Dude!” Jared shouted when they reached him. Evan nodded nervously, but Jared was looking at Connor. “Let’s dance!”Connor and Evan looked at each other awkwardly, both well aware that there were many people surrounding them – including teachers – that were waiting for their next move.Jared though, who didn’t seem to care about anything, grabbed them both and started jumping around. “Fuck them!” he yelled. “Let them look! We’re hot.”Evan saw a small, amused smile break across Connor's face and in that exact moment all of Evan's reservations faded away.Yeah, Evan thought. Fuck them.After the dance, Evan spilled out of the back of Zoe’s Chevy Malibu with Jared and Alana. He was tired and he was sweaty, though he wasn’t sure if that was from the dancing or the car ride.Connor smirked when Evan threw off his jacket the second they entered Evan’s house. Evan just glared at him. Connor had called dibs on the front seat because he was Zoe’s brother. Evan allowed it mainly because he wasn’t going to stick a very excited Jared on Connor, but Connor didn’t have to rub it in.“After party!” Jared exclaimed, going straight into Evan’s kitchen and pulling out case of hard seltzer from a brown bag. “Cannot believe your mom let us crash here for the weekend.”“Night shifts this weekend,” Evan explained. “She’ll be sleeping all day.”“As we will,” Zoe answered. She then turned to Jared. “There should be two more cases of Truly in my trunk. Also, the water.”“Sweet,” Jared whispered. “I’ll grab them.”“How did you even get all this?” Connor asked Zoe. She had brought everything from drinks to snacks and deli meats. Evan opened the refrigerator and started putting things away.“Dad,” Zoe told him. Connor looked at her surprised. “I know,” she continued. “He said the seltzer was better than any cheap vodka we’d find.”Alana huffed at that. “Like I do cheap.”“You do me,” Jared winked, walking over and handing Evan one of the bags for him to throw in the refrigerator.“Not tonight,” Evan warned. His mom graciously took the overnight shift just so Evan and his friends could have somewhere to celebrate after-prom, he was not about to let his friends do that in her house.His friends, Evan thought. He still couldn’t believe he had close enough friends to invite them over – and to celebrate after-prom with, no less.Who the hell was he now? And what the hell even was tonight? Evan went to a school dance. He went to prom. And his date was Connor Murphy. Like, what?He ended up having fun though. A lot of fun. More fun than he could have thought possible.Evan thought he was doomed to finish high school not experiencing what it was like to be a normal teenager, but this year was proving him wrong in so many ways.“Dude,” Jared exclaimed. "I forgot!" Evan turned to see his was staring at Connor. Here we go, Evan sighed. “I owe you ten bucks.”Evan’s head snapped up at that. “What?” he frowned."Like I need your money," Connor huffed, shooting Jared a death glare. “You’re the charity case, asshole.”Jared rolled his eyes and held up the middle finger. "Whatever, you danced."“Wait,” Evan said, standing up and taking a step backwards, surveying the interaction between his best friend and boyfriend. Both Jared’s surprise and Connor’s annoyance seemed genuine. Evan couldn’t believe there was money involved. “Excuse me?”Jared just shook his head and placed a hand on Evan’s shoulder, silently telling to calm down. He then grinned wildly towards Connor and held out his fist. “Respect, dude.”Connor looked at it for a moment, eyes flickering up to Evan. There was a question in them, but Evan wasn’t sure what it was. Was Connor asking if he was mad? If Evan knew he wasn’t really an asshole? Both of those answers were always up for debate.Evan held eye contact but said nothing. He wanted to let Connor sweat a little. Though Evan could not understand why the bet was made, Evan knew Connor never had intention to take the money. It just wasn't Connor's style.Connor then turned his gaze back to Jared. He seemed unsure to accept the olive branch but after a moment, he returned Jared’s gesture.“Who the hell would have thought I would make peace with Connor Murphy out of our mutual love for Evan Hansen?” Jared laughed. “Wild.”The whole room got quiet at that and Jared stopped laughing. “What?” he asked, looking around.Alana gestured toward Connor and made a heart with her hand. Jared’s mouth went into an “O” shape as he realized what he had said.“Well,” Jared stuttered. And rarely did he stutter. “You know – I mean, like?” He looked to Zoe for help.“Oh, uh…” she tried lamely, forcing out a smile to Evan. She shot a look to her brother, but Connor’s eyes were fixed to the floor. “Yeah, like is good?”“Oh my god,” Alana muttered. She grabbed an untouched case of Truly from the counter and motioned for Zoe to grab some food. “Let’s go,” she told Jared, heading towards the living room.Jared looked towards Evan apologetically before rushing after her. Zoe gently touched Connor’s shoulder before squeezing past him.Connor stayed silent, not looking at Evan. Evan thought the silence was growing aggressive. It was becoming deafening.“Connor,” Evan said, his voice sounding louder than normal to his own ears. “It’s -”Connor nodded, still not lifting his eyes. “It’s fine,” he finished.“You know Jared,” Evan continued, taking one step towards his boyfriend. “He’s just an idiot.”Connor let out a sad laugh. Evan took that as a small win and permission to close the space between them.“I’m not mad,” Connor maintained as Evan gently placed his arms around his waist. Connor reached out, letting his fingers rest on Evan’s wrist. He started to tap.“Okay,” Evan mumbled. Neither was he. For Evan, it would be more of a relief than a shock to know Connor loved him. They didn’t have the most traditional start, and Evan wasn’t sure how fast was too fast or how much was too much, but Evan knew what he felt.“I’m really not,” Connor insisted, looking up a Evan. Evan stayed firm, allowing Connor to search for whatever answer he needed in Evan’s eyes.“Me neither,” Evan whispered.Evan knew it wasn't the time to discuss feelings, but he was hoping his expression was enough to get his point across.For right now; just a little while more.Connor nodded slightly, as if he was able to hear Evan’s thoughts, and smiled. The sparkle was present in his eyes and Evan felt the tension leave his body. “We should join them,” Connor murmured as Evan relaxed his grip.“Yeah,” Evan nodded. They probably should.Neither of them made a go to move and Connor laughed. “Seriously. Let’s go and - “But Evan was already leaning down, catching whatever probably sarcastic or mean comment was about to fall off Connor’s lips.He just meant it to be a quick and light kiss, but Connor responded immediately, pushing his body into Evan's. Evan held him firmly, his heart feeling too full to go any farther. He wanted to remember this moment - the unsaid declaration. It was pathetic how easily Evan almost gave when Connor growled and nipped at Evan's bottom lip, but he managed to keep Connor there, at a safe enough distance.Maybe Connor didn't get it, but Evan needed this moment to be exactly what it was: an act of love. trust. understanding. Nothing more.After a moment of near surrender, Evan pulled back. “Let’s go and what now?” Connor stepped away. "You're so annoying," he laughed.He had laughed a lot tonight, not that Evan was paying attention.Connor then motioned towards the noise of music and their friends. "Come on."Evan followed. He couldn't wait for this life in college.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Year 2, Fall:
Evan arrived a little bit early to the room where the Gay-Straight Alliance meeting was scheduled to take place. He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to do this. Running into Connor seemed like a bad idea after what happened between them this summer. However, new year, new Evan. No more caring about the past, right?Maybe.“Not to worry,” a cheery voice greeted. “They shove all the cool clubs into their dimly lit basement classrooms.”Evan smiled nervously at the man who was placing a small pack of papers on each of the metal chairs. “Good to know.”“First time here?” “Yeah,” Evan said. “My, uh, my friend always wanted me to come last year. I finally found the nerve.”“Well, if you had a friend, it already sounds like you had some nerve,” he winked. “Name?”“Evan Hansen.”The guy stalled for a second, seemingly processing something at record speed, before recovering with a huge smile. “Take a packet, Evan Hansen. It includes all our meeting dates and upcoming events.”“Sure,” Evan mumbled, allowing a thick set of papers to be shoved at him. This guy seemed a bit too enthusiastic and Evan didn’t know if he’d even stick around for the end of the meeting, but nonetheless he took it. He could always ditch it on the way home; maybe it would find its way to someone lost or confused.“I’m Kevin,” the guy said. “The group’s financial secretary.”Evan nodded, trying to act intrigued. “That’s cool.”Kevin laughed, running a hand through his strawberry blonde hair. “You don’t have to pretend to be interested – doing the books is boring.” “Trust me, I know.” Evan told him. “My major is accounting.”“Then perhaps you’ll be my successor when I graduate,” Kevin smiled. “Give it to someone who enjoys it.”“I never said I enjoyed it." He was not about to make long term promises today.“No,” Kevin agreed, still smiling widely. “But it’s the hill you’ve chosen to die on.”He was cute, Evan thought. In a Milo Thatch kind of way.“A sad way to look at life,” a familiar voice said from behind Evan. Evan didn’t turn instinctively towards who was speaking, which he counted as a win.Kevin's eyes moved off and past Evan; he quirked an eyebrow. “Have you ever listened to your speeches?”“I have,” Connor replied haughtily. His shoulder lightly bumped against Evan’s. “Hey,” he said easily.Too easily. Like they hadn't spent their whole lives chasing one another. Like they hadn't spent the last two years falling in love.“Hi,” Evan answered, trying to not let Connor’s closeness affect him. He was fine. This was okay.They were friends now. He swore they were. And friends can stand close to one another. Jared practically lives in Evan’s lap. This was normal.Kevin’s eyes shifted back and forth between the two, looking like he was in on some dark secret. That's when Evan realized that enthusiasm from before meant something. It wasn’t because Kevin was happy to get a new member or incredibly friendly. Kevin knew who Evan was – specifically, who Evan was to Connor.Did this whole room know about him? About them? Their breakup? What did Connor speak about for a whole year when Evan refused to come?Connor raised an eyebrow back at Kevin, challenging him. “I prepare them all.”“Then you should know how depressing they are."“They’re motivating!” Connor exclaimed, grabbing a packet out of Kevin’s hands. “You’re just an idiot.”“Must be,” Kevin responded, rolling his eyes. “Okay, I have to get this started.”Connor waved his hand towards to podium. “I’ll be around.”“That’s a shame.” Kevin said solemnly. “Evan, will you be sticking around as well?”“Uh. Yeah,” Evan replied quickly. He wasn’t sure he wanted to, but since Connor saw him, he couldn’t duck out. “Why not?”“Good,” Kevin answered. “It was nice to finally meet you.”Connor thinned his eyes at Kevin’s retreating figure and Evan discovered he was less prepared for this than he thought.“Sorry about him,” Connor said, this time turning his body towards Evan. “He knows less than he lets on.”“Right,” Evan said, unconvinced. “It’s no problem. We’re good now. Friends.”“Right,” Connor repeated. “Well, I’m just going to –Evan nodded quickly. Connor should leave. They should separate. They were old friends. Nothing more. Evan made damn sure of that this summer when he said he needed to see what college was like alone.Jokes on him though. College made you lonely and depressed. Isolating himself from those he loved only made it worse. He was just having an existential crisis and gave into the anxiety. Then it became too late to take anything back.Evan turned, ready to hit Connor with his infamous fake smile that Connor would see through but pretend he didn't notice. Connor didn't owe him any special attention anymore. But that moment never happened because Connor was closer than Evan realized and he suddenly forgot how to breathe.“You cut your hair,” Evan blurted out, unable to contain his shock. Connor had long hair since they were in the eighth grade, but now it hung messily just above his ears. He looked grown up. Unfamiliar, yet still the only thing Evan had ever known so well. Still beautiful though. Always that.Connor’s hand instinctively reached for his hair. “I did,” he said slowly, running a hand through it. He paused, like he was collecting his thoughts. “I needed a change.”Sure. Of course. Evan could understand that. “Well, it suits you.”“Thank you,” Connor said. Then he laughed. “I was actually depressed about it for weeks.”“That’s stupid,” Evan frowned. Connor looked taken aback. “I mean, you don’t need to worry about that stuff,” Evan amended, trying not to embarrass himself or start a fight. Connor looked away at that, biting his lip. “Thank you,” he repeated. Evan could see his cheeks turning pink.Anytime, Evan thought, and for you, every time.
Year 2, Spring:
Evan was sitting at the refreshment table near the back of the gymnasium, 4 hours into his 12-hour shift. He desperately wanted to go home, but the GSA was holding a 24-hour dance marathon that benefited the Trevor Project. He couldn’t leave, no matter how overwhelming all these people were.It wasn’t all bad though. Like sometimes he would catch of glimpse of someone he knew, and they would smile and wave, or come up and talk. It settled Evan’s nerves a little bit.Overall, Evan didn’t regret joining the GSA. He was actually grateful for the people he met. Evan didn’t have many people in his life, especially since he split his high school friends with Connor, but he had met a few people he shared classes with and that was helpful. They formed study groups, went out for coffee, saved him seats in class when he was running late. It was good.“The guy working the door is a dick,” Jared said, throwing himself into the empty seat beside Evan. Evan looked towards his best friend questioningly. Jared had given him a $20.00 donation before Evan left their dorm and told him to fuck off for the evening, Apparently, he had big plans for Alana and him.“Zoe made us come,” Jared shrugged at Evan’s unasked question. “God,” he huffed, throwing a look over his shoulder. “This dude is so obsessed with me.”Evan followed Jared’s eyes to see Connor marching their way with a determined yet sour look on his face.Great, Evan thought. At least some things would always be the same.“Jared,” Connor seethed. “You cannot get in for free because, as you say, your man is a member.”Evan barked out a laugh, looking at his best friend in disbelief. Connor shot a look his way and Evan knew that look. He was being told to stay out of it. No problem, dude. He raised his hands in surrender. None at all. “Zoe got in for free!” Jared shot back. “She’s my sister,” Connor rolled his eyes. “And she’ll donate throughout the night.”“You can't prove Evan isn't my boyfriend,” Jared replied, crossing his arms over his chest. “This feels extremely homophobic.”“You came with your girlfriend!” Connor cried. “I literally know you, Jared.”Jared tutted, waving his finger at Connor. “Very conservative of you to assume I can’t have both.”“Oh my god,” Connor drawled, exasperated. “I hate you.”“Technically,” Evan spoke, clearing his throat. He didn't want to get involved but this could get messy. “Jared donated already. I put it in the donation box when I got here.”“Thank you,” Jared nodded. Then he turned to Connor and smirked. “See? My man has my back.”Connor glared at him for a minute and then looked to Evan, guard softening a little. Evan felt his stomach flip at the intensity of Connor’s stare. Connor was wearing a purple GSA shirt and black skinny jeans. He was so casual and relaxed, but Evan thought he was stunning. College had been good to Connor. This group had been a blessing for him. Evan couldn't get over it sometimes; how happy Connor looked. And Evan wasn’t going to sit here and panic over those thoughts. Not anymore. He had come to the conclusion that he always would think Connor was beautiful. But these were old feelings. Evan had to force those butterflies down and away.Finally, Connor sighed defeatedly. “Only members are allowed behind the table, asshat.”“I put the S in the GSA,” Jared replied, completely unfazed.“Oh?” Connor bit back, feigning surprise. “Thought you had a boyfriend?”“Evan’s always the exception,” Jared smirked. He threw an arm around Evan’s chair. “You should know.”“He’ll leave soon,” Evan promised, stopping this conversation from going any further.Connor opened his mouth to respond to Jared’s comment but didn't. “Thank you,” he said to Evan instead.“Sure,” Evan breathed, feeling relieved that the encounter was nearly over. He and Connor avoided each other whenever they could and were cordial whenever they couldn’t. Evan had no idea why they were always asked to volunteer together, but they usually found themselves tip-toeing around each other at every single event.“You two will definitely start fucking again,” Jared noted, watching Connor walk back to his post. Evan shot him a cold look. “Bet a 20?”Evan sighed frustratingly. This was not a welcomed conversation. “Jared, we never even –““Excuse me,” a voice interrupted. Evan looked away from his friend to see a pretty girl dressed in a green GSA volunteer shirt. He had never seen her before. “I’m Lana. Poli Sci.”“Uhm, Evan,” he replied. “Accounting.”“Cool,” the girl smiled brightly. “Kind of.”“The political world is worse.”Lana laughed easily. “That’s true.”Evan motioned to the refreshments. “Free for members.”“Actually,” Lana said, looking towards Jared. “I was sent over by Connor to help you, but...”“That fucker,” Jared cursed, standing up. “He’s such an idiot.”“Jared,” Evan warned. Not now. Not here.“I won’t,” Jared smiled sweetly. He then turned to Lana. “Pleasure to meet you.”Lana nodded, looking confused. Jared could do that to you. “I’m going to go find my girl,” Jared told them. However, when he turned, he headed for the exit. To Connor. “Sorry,” Evan apologized, glaring at his best friend. So much for not engaging. He then turned to Lana, “Please have a seat”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Year 3, Fall:
“Evan,” Lana sighed. “This is our fourth stupid argument this week.”“I know,” Evan whispered. They used to be able to disagree. They used to say it made them stronger. They used to have funShe looked down at people stumbling up the pathway to the student recreation building. Halloween night. Evan and Lana were supposed to be heading there for a party. They were supposed be looking just as drunk and happy as these guys. “This is not how I saw us going.”“I know,” Evan repeated. “I’m sorry.”“You couldn’t even text me that you were going to be late?” She sounded anguished. “And because you were with Jared?”“I didn’t mean - ” Evan paused. Lana shook her head. She deserved honesty. “I didn’t want to come.”“To the party?” Lana laughed. “Or with me?"Evan felt resigned. He was a horrible human being. “I’m really sorry.” This was a mess. Lana, theoretically, was perfect. She was intelligent, she was kind. She always gave Evan his space and never pushed him to explain his anxiety. Really, she was too perfect for him.He wished he could have loved her like she wanted. He wished he could have grown with her at the same pace, but somewhere during the summer he slowed down while she kept moving.“Just tell me,” she demanded. “Is this about Connor?”Evan looked away ashamed. Or maybe he changed directions. Moved backwards. Into the past. He didn't know.Summers; they were always times of revelations for Evan. And him seeing Lana only twice in three months didn't do his thoughts any favors.Lana sighed. “Never mind.”Evan wiped frustrated tears from his eyes. “Why save my heart when I’m breaking yours?” He asked.Lana was silent for a minute. “Mine broke a long time ago; I think. You know?”Evan nodded. He knew about heartbreaks, just not in this relationship. “I’m sorry.”Lana smiled sadly, reaching for Evan's hand. “I actually think it’s rather healed now.”Evan didn't deserve her, not at all, but he gladly intertwined their fingers. "Thank you," Evan said. There was a point in his life where he needed her and she needed him. He'd always be grateful for this girl and he needed her to know that.Lana squeezed his hand but said nothing. And they just sat, enjoying the silence and each other’s company before they said goodbye.The next month at the GSA meeting, Evan walked through the doors alone. Lana didn’t want to come. She said she needed a small break. Evan agreed. Though they were on good terms, it was still upsetting for Evan to realize their friendship was all but lost.He found Connor sitting backwards on one of the chairs, looking idly around as people got comfortable. Evan felt a rush of emotions hit his chest; they made all his sadness worth it. “I’ve always thought it was fucked up that we’re shoved in the basement,” Evan spoke in greeting, situating himself into the seat next to Connor.“At least it’s not a closet,” Connor responded, not looking at Evan. “That would be a lawsuit.”“You could get your dad on the case,” Evan joked. He waited a moment for Connor to give any sort of a reaction. Nothing.“So,” Evan breathed. “I broke up with my girlfriend.”Connor nodded. “I know." He was still looking around at everything else besides Evan. “Well, I heard something anyway.”Evan fiddled with the end of his backpack strings, just to give him something to do. He felt awkward now. Of course, Connor had heard. Why wouldn’t he have? Still, Evan felt the need to tell him. It felt too significant not to. "Right," Evan mumbled.Connor cleared his throat, finally focusing on Evan’s face. “I’m sorry,” Connor told him. “That sucks.”“Don’t be,” Evan replied, shrugging his shoulders. “We both agreed it wasn’t what we needed.”Connor leaned forward, resting his head in his hands. “Sometimes relationships can be simply because you want it.”Evan held Connor’s stare for a moment before turning away. He didn’t know how to respond to that. Even if he said nothing, Connor could always read him. And Evan didn’t want him too right now. “I guess I didn’t want it anymore either.”Connor studied him for a moment. “What do you want? To be alone?”He pulled the question from their own breakup, but there was no hostility in his tone. He sounded genuinely curious.Evan swallowed, throat feeling dry. The room was getting smaller. He felt claustrophobic. You, Evan thought instinctively. The realization should have been surprising, but it wasn’t. Connor was the only thing he could see - could ever see. He wanted Connor. now and then.“Nothing,” Evan lied. “Or, well, I don’t know.”“Since when?” Connor asked. “You seemed happy.”Evan bit the inside of his cheek. He contemplated being truthful and laying it all out for Connor to accept or reject. Evan tried to move on. He tried being a college kid and experimenting with his life, but that would never be who he was. “This past summer, I guess.”It felt like an honest enough answer to Evan. It wasn’t a lie by any means. He and Connor started to hang out more than they ever did before. They went biking through the town’s trail, hiked through the woods and climbed the trees. They went swimming and had movie nights. They ate at A la Mode and talked for hours about nothing and everything. It was nice and purely platonic; something they never were before.And Evan hated it. So much.He hated how much he could not be okay with being Connor’s friend. He tried. He failed. “It wasn’t you,” Evan told him truthfully. He had forgotten about Lana whenever they were together. She did not exist for those few hours. It was just them – only them. This was all on Evan.“I’m sorry,” Connor stated again. He understood. That was enough.Evan looked at him; Connor seemed to mean that. “Thanks.”
Year 3, Spring:
“Hansen,” Connor smiled, opening the door to his dorm and leaning against it’s frame. “It’s been a minute.”“Do you remember how awful I was at English in high school?” Evan questioned, choosing to ignore Connor’s passive aggressiveness. There were more important things than hanging out with his friends all the time. “Like, remember how you came over that time to help me?”Connor paused, standing up a bit straighter. “I do,” he answered. Evan noticed that his smile dropped slightly, which was alarming, but nonetheless Connor maintained a friendly look, so Evan pushed his way into the dorm. Connor didn’t stop him. Okay. Good.“Well, I’m still awful!” Evan groaned. “English 122 uses high school level books, and I’m still not grasping the point of them. I got a 70 on my draft, Connor. That’s awful.”“That’s fine,” Connor assured. “It’s only a small percent of your grade.”“You say that,” Evan said. "But you don't know."“I’m a tutor for English department.”Evan huffed. “This is my final assignment, Connor. And the book? Wuthering Heights. Literally a ninth-grade book. Even Jared laughed at me. He said I’d have better luck watching the movie and going from there. And you –“Evan paused mid-rant, taking a moment to finally look at his ex-boyfriend, now friend. Connor would help him. He knew that. Connor had probably read the book numerous times, and watched all of the adaptations. Hell, he probably had an old essay from high school lying around that would blow Evan’s shitty one out of the water. And he’d probably offer it to Evan, no questions asked. Or he’d sit with Evan, going through each and every detail of the book, wanting nothing in return.However, those overwhelming thoughts were not what stopped Evan. Connor looked good – incredibly good. He hadn’t seen Connor since everyone decided to get dinner after they’d all come back from spring break weeks ago. Evan was immediately thrown into his classes; he was deep within his major now and the key to acing accounting was constant practice. Finals were coming up, he hadn’t had the time to go anywhere except office hours and study sessions. He even skipped GSA meetings. But Connor looked good. His hair grew longer, almost the length that it was when Evan first fell in love with him all those years ago, and he was wearing a soft, army green cardigan with straight black jeans. He looked warm, welcoming, and oddly dressed up.Oh. Connor was dressed up.“Are you going somewhere?”Connor’s expectant look turned to one of embarrassment. He looked down at his outfit. “Uh – well. Yeah,” he mumbled. “Study session with a friend.”“Study session,” Evan repeated. “On a Friday night.” Looking like that. Connor fidgeted, cheeks pink, but he nodded. “You’re lying,” Evan accused.Connor’s eyes thinned. “I don’t lie.”Evan rolled his eyes and motioned to Connor’s hand, which kept smoothing down nonexistent wrinkles in his shirt. “Then why are you so nervous?”“He is just a friend,” Connor argued, crossing his hands over his chest. “Christ, you’re an asshole sometimes.”“I’m an asshole?” Evan asked. He was very confused right now. Why was Connor lying to him?“Yeah,” Connor answered, finding some confidence. “You are.”“I literally just asked if you were going somewhere!” Evan exclaimed. “What the hell is wrong with you?”"I haven't heard from you in weeks," Connor huffed, obviously annoyed. “And you act like you have any right to know if I’m going on a date.”Silence filled the space between them. It ate at Evan. His body had no heartbeat, his lungs had no air, and his mind had not one thought. Everything just stopped existing. He never mentioned a date. “You have a date?” . “I said if,” Connor stressed, looking to ground. “But yeah.”Evan felt his heart plummet into his stomach. No. This wasn’t supposed to happen. But also, why shouldn’t it happen? Evan dated. Connor could too. It had been years since they were even together. This was fine. “Oh.”Connor sighed. “It’s nothing serious. Just some dude from my Medieval Lit class. Not a big deal, okay?”“Okay,” Evan agreed, not knowing what he was agreeing too. His ears were ringing, but he caught the not a big deal part.“It’s probably not going to anywhere anyway,” Connor said quickly.Evan felt sick at the thought of someone else with Connor. “Tonight, or generally?”Connor eyes narrowed. Evan had overstepped. "That’s not fair.”Evan shrugged lifelessly. He didn’t care if it wasn’t fair. He knew he had no right to know, and he certainly did not want to ask, but he needed to know. He needed too.Connor ran a hand threw his hair, looking stressed. “He’ll realize I’m fucking crazy and then we’ll spend two weeks avoiding eye-contact in class,” Connor answered, self-deprecatingly. “Then it’ll be like we never knew each other.”“Stop,” Evan demanded, feeling anger rush through him. He didn’t know who he was angry at. Connor? Himself? The kid from English class? “You’re perfect,” he said, harshly. And fuck anyone who doesn’t think that.Silence fell among the pair again as they stared at each other, both processing what had just happened. Connor seemed surprised by Evan’s admission. But he had to know how Evan felt. He had to realize. They had something this past summer. Evan literally broke up with a girl for him, even though he never copped to that.Connor took a step towards Evan, but Evan stepped around him, putting himself closer to the door.“Evan,” Connor pleaded. “Don’t leave.”“I’m fine,” Evan lied, trying to smile. Away. Evan needed to get away. “Really. Have fun.”Connor bit his lip, eyebrows furrowed. He looked as though he wanted to say something. He wanted to argue or call Evan out on his lie. But Evan shook his head; he couldn’t do this right now. Connor deserved to go on dates if that’s what he wanted. He deserved to know what it was like when it wasn’t Evan.“Email your draft,” Connor rushed. His voice sounded raw and a little desperate. “I’ll look it over tomorrow.”Evan paused. Connor was extending an olive branch. He could deny it; walk out of the room, ignore Connor for however long, and be extremely petty. But picturing that scenario hurt his heart more than this one did. “Thank you.”And then he was out the door. He needed to find Jared. He needed a fucking drink. He needed to get Connor off his mind.On Sunday, Evan was walking through campus, juggling his coffee on top of his textbooks, while listening to Jared relay their weekend to Alana and Zoe.“He’s exaggerating,” Evan assured Alana after Jared swore Evan had gotten so drunk that he had laid down on the grass outside their dorm room and sang Adele songs all night.Jared shot him an unimpressed look. “I have videos."Fuck off, Jared.“Adele?” Zoe laughed.“You also tried to kiss me,” Jared added. Evan groaned. “Multiple times.”Seriously, fuck off.Alana raised an eyebrow at Evan, a smile playing on her lips. “Stealing my man, Hansen?”Evan shrugged. He might have some memory of this weekend, but he wasn’t going to admit to singing breakup songs in front of Zoe, or to sinking so low that he considered kissing Jared.“As delighted as I am at this catfight,” Jared grinned, wrapping an arm around his girlfriend’s waist. “I was technically his first, babe.”“Oh, so after nearly four years I don’t have a dog in this fight?” Alana asked. “What logic is that?”“I’d like to direct you to proverb 420,” Jared told her. “It says: dicks before chicks.”Evan felt his phone buzz in his pocket. “I don’t support anything that he’s saying,” Evan mumbled, trying to fish it out.Looking down at his phone, Evan paused. He had two texts from Connor. What?Though Connor said he’d look over Evan’s assignment, Evan hadn’t heard from him all weekend. He figured the date went well and he had spent yesterday trying to be happy for Connor. Connor deserved it, he really did, but that didn't stop Evan from begging Jared to find another party. Time and avoidance were the only way forward at this point.Connor: Hey. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I needed to read the book too.Connor: Your essay has good bones, but I definitely can help you expand on some points and fix where your professor commented.Evan gaped as Connor’s messages.Evan: You had to read the book?Connor’s message came through instantly.Connor: AP English actually never focused on many classics either. There are loads I haven’t read yet.Evan: You didn’t have to do that.Connor: No big deal.It almost made Evan feel worse. Like Connor felt so guilty about going on a date that he spent his Saturday reading an incredibly slow, boring book. As if reading his thoughts, Connor texted him again.Connor: If it helps, I’m sure you won’t be the only person who asks for my help on this assignment.It didn't, but okay.Evan: Well…thank you. When do you want to go over it?Connor: You’re welcome. Come over?Evan glanced up from his phone to find Zoe staring back at him, smiling warmly. Evan always wondered if she knew more than she let on. Did she know about Friday? About Connor’s date? About Evan freaking out? She was close with Connor, obviously, but nothing ever affected how she treated Evan. It was weird. She was either a saint or clueless.“I’ve got to go,” Evan told her. “Connor is going to look over my essay.”“I’ve got you,” Zoe told him, nodding towards Jared and Alana who were now a few paces ahead. “Say hi to my brother for me.”It was close to midnight when Connor had decided that Evan’s draft was, as he put it, sufficient enough to be put away for the night. “Sufficient enough,” Evan grumbled, packing up Connor’s notes. He hadn’t rewrote anything, but he crossed out nearly half of Evan’s assignment and given him two papers worth of suggestions and tips.Connor smirked, standing up “You had enough pages.”Evan stopped, fixing Connor with a pointed stare. It was meant to convey a heartfelt fuck you, but Connor remained unbothered as he sprawled out onto his bed, checking his phone.Watching Connor smile at something Evan couldn’t see, Evan felt his heart skip. Anxiety inhabited him and he tried his best not to let Connor realize that his hands were shaking.He wondered if Connor was texting the dude he had gone on the date with. For a few short hours, Evan had all but forgotten about that. But it existed. It was real. Connor hadn’t touched his phone at all, but he was too nice of a guy. He wouldn’t shove it in Evan’s face. Evan’s stomach suddenly felt very empty.“I should go and try to catch the corner shop before it closes,” he stated. Food. It had been a few hours since he ate and it was good enough an excuse as any to leave.Connor’s attention snapped back up in an instant. He frowned. “I was actually just looking at the menu for Are U Hungry,”Evan made a face. Are U Hungry was this late-night sandwich shop that specialized in fat sandwiches. Everything on them was deep fried and smothered in cheese. Evan couldn’t understand why the place was so popular, but there was always a line out the door. “Those fat sandwiches are horrible for your digestive health.”“I think they’re horrible for one’s general health,” Connor pointed out, laughing. “But it’s the only place still delivering.”For a moment, Evan let himself imagine what would happen if he stayed – what could happen as well. It was so tempting to just hole up in here with Connor. They’d snack on junk food, forget responsibilities existed, and see what became of them. However, that’s where the vision fell flat for Evan. There were too many unanswered questions and just enough potential awkward moments; Evan couldn’t ignore them. The reality was that Evan didn’t know where he stood in Connor’s life. He couldn’t let himself stay.“I have to grab some things for Jared anyway,” Evan lied. “So, I should really try to catch the store.”“Yeah,” Connor said, clearly not believing him but not also pressing Evan for the truth. Evan didn’t know if that move was to benefit Evan or Connor. Perhaps it didn’t matter. “Text me when you get back then.”Evan nodded. “Okay.”“Yeah.”If he and Connor hadn’t been doing this dance for as long as they’ve known each other, Evan would find it inconceivable how fast he and Connor could go from being so in tune with each other to not knowing how to act. It was as though they both flipped off their feelings at exactly the same time, causing everything about them to fall apart.Just before Evan shut the door, he swore he heard a faint goodbye. It left him feeling uneasy. This would get better. It had to.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Year 4, Fall:
The Sunday before Thanksgiving break, Evan’s studying was interrupted by a knock at the door.“…Lord and Savior?” Jared grumbled, looking annoyed. “Sunday is the day of rest.”“Aren’t you Jewish?” Connor questioned as he pushed his way into their dorm. Jared stepped aside easily.“Do they even allow gay people in the Jehovah's Witnesses?” he countered, eyebrow raised.To Evan’s surprise, Connor laughed. “Witness this,” he exclaimed, shoving his middle finger toward Jared. “Asshole.”“Use your pointer and I'll consider it,” Jared fell back into his bed, wagging his eyebrows. “And we do it in a Church.”“I’m Jewish too,” Connor reminded him.Jared offered Connor a genuine smile. “Triple whammy.”“This entire conversation is offensive,” Evan remarked, closing his laptop. He knew full well that nobody cared about this opinion, but Evan felt better about himself for pointing it out.At his words, Connor quieted, turning to look at Evan. Connor’s eyes scanned the numerous coffee cups and notes scattered across Evan’s desk. "Jeez."“Accounting,” Jared commented, making a face. “Boring as hell.”“Accounting Information Systems,” Evan specified, also analyzing his environment. “These are REA diagrams.”Connor nodded, eyes meeting Evan’s for the first time this evening. “I have no idea what that means.”“Me neither,” Evan frowned. The class was a joke. Nobody knew what they were doing in it. The professor was horrible, and the work was unlike any accounting Evan would ever have to do. He decided the best approach was to remember patterns among the steps and within the relationships across various different problems.Connor looked even more confused at Evan’s explanation of his process. “And that method works?” “It worked for the first exam.” Evan was hoping a similar result this time around. He turned back to Connor, looking him up and down. Connor seemed too relaxed for second midterms; his hair was pulled into a loose bun and he was dressed comfortably in black Champion sweatpants and a Blink 182 hoodie. Effortlessly cool. Unintentionally captivating. That was Connor in a nutshell. “Do you have exams coming up too?”Connor nodded, leaning on Jared’s desk. “A few, but I'm tutoring today.”“On a Sunday?” Jared asked. “I need cooler friends.”“Because your life is oh so exciting,” Evan replied, throwing a pencil at his best friend’s head. “You were asleep by nine last night.”“I was out all night on Friday!”“It’s actually a big day for the English department,” Connor interrupted. “Most writing assignments are due on Mondays, but professors never email people back on Sundays because they can’t fathom students being too busy to have their assignments done far before a due date.”Jared laughed. “Connor Murphy: the rich man with a social agenda.”Connor picked up a pen that was lying around on Jared’s desk and chucked it across the room.Jared’s eyes narrowed. “I’m going to lock you both in a room and let you slowly die.”Connor raised a questioning eyebrow, but Evan just shook his head. He should have known Jared had been playing the Sims all day, even though he claimed he was studying. He kept asking Evan weird questions like would he ever fuck an alien and what were his thoughts on being a vampire.Choosing to ignore the situation, Evan focused on Connor. “Are you coming or going?”“Both,” Connor replied, standing up. He pulled the strings on his hoodie to make them even. “I have to be back in the lounge in an hour.”Evan felt something like anxiety rise into his chest. He shouldn’t be this hopeful that Connor went out of his way to say hello. He was fucking 21 years old; he hadn’t dated Connor in nearly three years. But still he was, and that had to mean something. "Had to get away?"“If I stay there, people think I’m available for walk-ins,” Connor frowned. “And lowerclassmen are savages.”“They are the worst,” Jared groaned. “Once we had to call poison control because these kids dared their roommate to eat an entire bottle of melatonin. They couldn’t wake him up.”“What was the verdict?”“Apparently, it’s impossible to overdose on it,” Evan answered. “He had the best sleep of his life though.”“And his parents were pissed at us!” Jared exclaimed, shaking his head disbelievingly. “I’m so over being an RA.”“I actually made a note of it,” Evan joked. “Counteract all the Adderall.”Evan actually never used anything but coffee to pull his all-nighters, but sometimes he wished he knew a guy."Yeah, really," Connor agreed. “I would too if I had all this work.”Evan shrugged, looking at his work. It wasn’t so bad. It was boring, sure, but not horrible by any means. Accounting came easy to him. In reality, it was one of the simplest forms of math to exist, but the major itself was tedious and unnecessarily labor intensive.“It’s a lot,” Evan said, looking at his work. He could not see himself doing public accounting forever, but having job security right after college was too good to pass up.Connor bit his lip, contemplating something. Finally, he spoke: “Are you able to take a break? Go grab coffee?”Technically, Evan could take a break. However, if the recent past uncovered anything, it was that they wouldn’t remain civil for long. The conversation would quickly move past school and they’d be quick to fight. And Evan didn’t want that. He was already exhausted.But yes, he definitely could take a break. Evan deserved one, and he desperately wanted to spend more time with Connor.“Well, I want a caramel macchiato,” Jared spoke up, looking meaningfully at Evan. “You have to go.”Connor stared back, waiting for Evan to answer. Right, Evan thought, Here goes, then.“I guess I could take a small break.”Evan was incredibly confused. On their walk to Starbucks, Connor hadn’t said one word to him. It was an awkward five minutes where Connor looked deep in thought while Evan trailed behind him. However, at Starbucks, Connor was adamant on buying both his and Jared’s coffee. Then on the way home, Connor went silent again, only this time he kept shooting his pensive looks Evan’s way, It was like Connor wanted to say something but couldn’t think of how to get it out.“This is fun,” Evan commented after Connor looked away from him for what had to be the tenth time.So much for civility. But, like honestly, what the hell?Connor kept his eyes locked forward. After a moment, he sighed. “What was I supposed to do, Evan?”.“Talking about the weather is one avenue of small talk,” Evan replied. “How the Yankees are doing is another.”“You don’t watch baseball.” Connor’s face set into a frown. “Neither of us do.”Evan shrugged. “Okay, so it’s abnormally warm for it being –““I thought maybe you were interested or something and then you basically ghosted me.”Evan halted, nearly dropping Jared’s coffee.First of all, what? Secondly, they going there now? They had seen each other nearly every day this past summer, not to mention multiple times this semester, and not once did Connor pull him aside to discuss this. Lastly, Evan did not ghost Connor. He didn’t. “I didn’t.”“I barely heard from you when we returned back to school last year,” Connor argued, sounding small.“I barely spoke to anyone!” Evan exclaimed. He felt irrationally angry. He had been so stressed out last year and he needed to focus. “I had mountains of work to do and was taking classes I sucked at.” It was unfair to blame him for prioritizing school. “And how did you think that translated?” Connor questioned, determination written clear across his face. His blue eyes pierced Evan’s and Evan felt like he was drowning. “And then this past summer? You always avoided spending time alone with me.”Evan opened his mouth to respond, but he didn’t know the answer. He hadn't realized how him diving headfirst into school would have affected anyone else. He just assumed that his friends, that Connor, wouldn't hold it against him. And as for the summer? “You set a boundary between us too. You know you did.”“Call it self-preservation,” Connor laughed bitterly, vulnerability etched clear across his face. Evan realized Connor was hurting. He never realized that before.How long? Evan wondered. How long had Connor been hurting? “Connor..."“I was never into that guy,” Connor told him, shaking his head. “I just wanted to see if I could be into him. Or anyone. In case you were over it.”Evan swallowed. He knew nothing ever came of that date. He never asked, because Connor had made it clear that Evan wasn’t allowed too, but the news was no surprise. “And the result?”Connor smiled, still looking sad. “Still single, aren’t I?”And the two of them stood, just staring at each other. Neither seemed to know how to proceed next.Evan didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t even think properly. Connor had just confirmed that Evan’s reaction to him going on a date was valid – there was something still between them – while simultaneously voicing that he was trying to move on because Evan never made an effort to get back together.Evan could make the effort now though. He could do that.“I’m going to busy for the next few months,” Evan spoke. It was tentative and hesitant, and meant so much more than Evan could say right now. He hoped it would be enough.Connor looked surprised, but he seemed to understand because his frown slowly turned upwards. “Just don’t become a complete recluse again.”Evan released a shaky breath. “Okay,” Evan answered. Okay.For you, Connor, anything.
Year 4, Spring:
One more week. One more fucking week."To graduation, bitches!" Jared shouted as he stood in the middle of A la Mode, his milkshake raised high in the air. Locals looked on with mostly amused grins; some even clapped. Jared bowed dramatically their way."Mr. Kleinman!" a voice scolded. Jared glanced behind the counter to see their waitress glaring at their table, a stony look plastered across her face. “Language.”"Sorry, Annie!" Jared apologized, throwing a sheepish smile at the older woman. "To graduation, bitches!" He whispered, as he turned back to his friends.They were home now, at least until the commencement ceremony next weekend, and they were all so deliriously happy.College was done. It was over.Evan couldn’t believe that he made it through. Four years ago, he didn't think he was mentally fit enough to go to college. Now, he has nothing else to do for it."To graduate programs!" Alana smirked, raising her glass. "And all the stress I'll soon inherit.""Sounds like something that isn't my problem," Jared grinned as he slid into the booth next to his girlfriend. Alana rolled her eyes as Jared pressed a kiss sweetly to her cheek, then he tipped his glass towards Evan. "We're going to relax for a minute."Technically, they weren’t. They both had big jobs lined up and would be leaving at the beginning of July. Jared landed a job at a start-up company in the city, doing god knows what with computers. Evan was also headed east to work for EY’s firm in Manhattan. Eventually, he’ll have to go back to school so he can become a CPA, but that wasn’t his problem now. He clinked his milkshake against his best friend's. All in due time."Least you're all going to New York," Zoe pouted. "I've got one more year alone in Pennsylvania.""Technically, we'll be living in Hoboken," Jared told her. "Because we weren't all harvested on money trees."“Technically,” Connor mimicked, clearing his throat. “Money isn’t grown on trees.’Jared gave him a pointed look. “That’s not the comeback you think it is.”Connor rolled his eyes and shifted in the booth, giving his focus to his sister. "It’s only four hours away."Evan almost reacted to Connor invading his space. He almost did. He wanted to. He wanted to reach out and place his hand on Connor’s hand, or arm, or on his leg, or really anywhere. But he didn’t.It hadn’t quite hit Evan that Connor would be living in Hoboken too. Connor only told him two weeks ago that he wouldn’t be staying at Penn to pursue a masters. Connor should, as one couldn’t do much a Literature degree on its own and, like Evan, he’ll have to go back eventually. However, unlike Evan, Connor wasn’t strapped for cash; his parents were more than willing to support him and his dream of writing a novel, at least for a while.If anyone else had told Evan that, he would have hated them on that principle alone. But it wasn’t. It was Connor. And if Connor not going back to school meant that they’d be living in the same apartment building for the foreseeable future, how could Evan be mad? As long as Connor was close, Evan didn't care what forces made it so.Evan shifted closer too; his thigh now flushed against Connor’s. Connor looked at Evan instinctively but he said nothing, he just kept his leg still.Evan was not sure who was following who. However, if Evan was being truthful, he really didn’t care either.Maybe they were following each other.After dinner, they all piled into Connor's jeep. It felt oddly like high school, except now they were all over the age of twenty-one and could drive themselves. There was absolutely no reason why they all had to cram into one car.Connor took the long way back. He made sure to pass all the important parks and fields, and went out of his way to pass their old schools. Nobody said anything about it. Nobody seemed to be in a rush to go home.Evan pressed his head against the window and let his memory wander. Passing these places was overwhelming but sobering. This town was where they all started out. It was where they all met each other, hated each other, and fell in love."Wait," Jared said as they neared the street Jared had found parking on. Connor came to a stop at Jared's car. "You can drop me off with Alana.""Actually, let's walk," Alana told him. She nudged Jared towards the door. “It’s only three streets over and it's nice out.""Can I join?" Zoe questioned. "Our house isn't far from here either."She glanced over at he brother, exchanging a silent message, and then turned to smile at Evan. "You get shot gun!”Evan shared his own silent conversation with Jared as they climbed out of the backseat. He could offer to go with him and Alana too; catch a ride with Jared. It would be dumb to make Connor drive to the other side of town. But something inside Evan stopped him from saying that, and Jared seemed to understand whatever it was. “Text me,” he said as he closed the passenger side door for Evan. Evan swore Jared winked at him as Connor put his car in drive.Evan really loved his best friend sometimes.Evan’s house was pitch black when they arrived. His mom wasn’t home; she was pulling yet another overnight shift. Normally, that would sadden Evan. Right now though, he felt relieved. His mom had a habit of mentioning Connor often. She would have a field day if she saw his car in the driveway.“Want to come in?” Evan asked, motioning towards the front door. One of the porch lights had gone out. “Probably shouldn’t,” Connor mumbled, staring at his steering wheel. “But I’ll walk you up.”“Okay,” Evan breathed, getting out of the car. He didn’t want to focus on being rejected; not again. “I have to fix that tomorrow,” he said idly. “Or get Jared to.”Connor glanced up, following Evan’s eyeline. “You can’t change a lightbulb?” he asked, surprised. “I can,” Evan stressed. “But I don’t think Jared’s ever done housework in his life.”“And you think we’re going to be responsible for the outside fixtures of the apartment building?”Evan shook his head, waving his hands around. “All the same.”Connor laughed brightly, throwing his head back. Evan’s eyes focused on the exposed skin. His heart fluttered; Evan could still remember what it felt like to run his fingers down Connor's neck, to taste his skin and feel his pulse quicken under Evan's lips.“You know,” Connor smirked, meeting Evan’s eyes. Evan felt his face flush; those times were so long ago. “I’ve never done housework either.”Evan figured that much. “But I’m not sharing a place with you.”“All the more reason to learn,” Connor told him. “I won’t have a handy roommate.”Evan raised an eyebrow, bewilderment clear on his face. “Are you offering to come back and change my lightbulb?”“Yes.”“Okay,” Evan agreed, still confused. Sure, Connor could do whatever. Plant a garden. Install a pool. Evan didn't care as long as Connor would keep coming back. “Why?”Connor looked down, hiding his face. “So I have a reason to see you again.”Evan stilled, feeling his breath get caught in his throat. “You don’t need a reason to see me.”That made Connor look at him; his eyes shining like the stars. Evan wasn’t ready for the intensity of Connor’s stare. His expression was open now, and Evan felt like he could read everything; all Connor’s feelings and worries. And he crying? No, good, he wasn't.Evan felt a mixture of relief and panic, though he shouldn’t be afraid at all. It was Connor. Evan knew him better than he knew anyone. He always had. But it had been so long since he was able to acknowledge that.“Goodnight, Evan.” Connor whispered, holding his stare.Evan loved him so much. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”Connor nodded, promising, and Evan finally let himself smile. Okay, Evan thought as he stepped towards his front door, fishing his keys from his pocket, this would be okay."I'm really proud of you sometimes," Connor said suddenly, making Evan's hand freeze. "Like incredibly so."Slowly, Evan turned, silently thanking the broken light for hiding the color in his cheeks. “Yeah?”Connor hadn’t moved an inch from where he stood previously. He looked fucking beautiful."You’re not the anxious boy I once knew,” Connor continued. “You seem so sure now.”“I am sure,” Evan told him. “Not of everything, but.” Everything wasn’t what Connor meant.“Then of what?” Connor asked, taking a step forward.Evan didn’t answer; he just held Connor’s stare. Evan was sure of what mattered. He knew he wanted Connor; now, and then, and in the future.Connor kept inching forward. “Evan?” “Are you sure?” Evan wondered instead of answering. His back was fully against the door now. There was nowhere for him to run. That was okay. He didn't want to run anymore.Connor was fully in front of him now. He reached out, bringing his hand to Evan’s waist. Evan held his breath as he felt Connor squeeze his side, tightening his grasp. Evan trembled at the feeling. This was happening. Evan couldn’t believe this was finally happening.“Evan,” Connor breathed quietly. “I have always been sure of you.”And Evan kissed him. It was firm and determined and wonderful. Connor’s hands moved up to rest on Evan’s cheek. He mumbled words against Evan’s lips. Evan became undone at them, his knees almost buckling from emotion. He missed Connor too. He had always had Connor, but Evan needed him like this. Evan’s keys fell to the ground as he grasped for Connor, pulling him closer. Evan poured every feeling and regret he had over the past three years into the kiss. He felt raw and weak, but Connor had him. He held Evan, firm and steady, and Evan knew he was okay. He was home.