Work Text
Some Random Award Show
2009
Karlie.
I couldn’t get used to awards shows yet. I really don’t know why I’m here, I’m a model, it’s not like I’m going to get an award or something, but my team said big names come here and if I want to make it far in the modeling world I must bring a lot of attention and people has to like me. I also don’t understand being handled by people as if I had no capability to think for myself but that’s for another day. So, I try to be charming as ever, but I can’t help to think how surreal this feels. I’m only seventeen and I should be on my senior year of high school but instead I’m here surrounded by a lot of people older than me and I feel incredibly small.“Hey, you there?” A guy called Andrew that works for a magazine looks at me concerned. I blink twice. Oh. I totally zoomed out while he was talking. Not a good impression.“Yeah.” I shrug trying to play it nonanchantly. “I’m still very new to this thing”Andrew throws me a sympathy look.“Hey, you´ll get used to it. You are very early in your career but give it a few years more and you’ll be looking forward to this kind of events. “I give him a small smile and I’m about to reply when a girl comes to us, greeting Andrew. Then she turns to me.“Hey, I’m Emma Stone.” The redhead flashes me a smile.“You look familiar.” I blurt out and then I want to slap myself because of course that’s the dumbest thing to say in a room full of celebrities. Emma chuckles.“Really?” She’s sparkling with excitement. “Have you seen Super Bad? I was on it”“Oh, yes! The movie about the two awkward kids. It was funny. You were the one that got hit by the curly guy, right?“My most remarkable scene.” She laughs and she’s about to say something else when Andrew interrupts us.“Look it’s Taylor Swift.” He points to a tall blonde girl and then turns to us.Emma looks at Taylor’s way, eyes twinkling with something I can’t identify.“You guys know Taylor Swift?”I shook my head ―I mean, I know who she is because her two hit singles are the only thing radio played last year but I have never talked to her―at the same time Andrew nods.“Yeah, I met her briefly when she did her Teen Vogue cover.” He replies.Emma smile only grows bigger.“Let’s go and talk to her.”We make our way to the tall blonde, ―not quite as tall as me though, I doubt anyone can be taller―she is talking with someone but as we approach the other girl leaves and when we finally reach her, she’s alone with her face flustered. What did the other girl tell her?“Hey Taylor,” Andrew says “I’m Andrew from Teen Vogue, I don’t know if you remember me, but I just wanted to tell you that your cover was beautiful!Taylor smiles shyly at him, but her enthusiasm is clear in her voice when she responds with a loud “Thanks!”I tilt my head to the side. She’s cute.Andrew makes a motion with his arm pointing at us.“This is Emma Stone and Karlie Kloss, and―”“TAYLOR!” Emma gasps interrupting him as if Taylor was her wife coming home from the army for the first time in months.“EMMA!” I suppress rolling my eyes when this girl Taylor greets her equally as dramatical. I’m younger than them and even I don’t act this way.They hug like if they want to melt in each other arms and I start to grow uncomfortable because honestly, they look seconds away from dry humping. Andrew just looks at them amused. After a too long embrace they finally separate and then Taylor cups Emma’s check and leans closer and my heart jumps in my chest because is she about to kiss her?! A girl kissing a girl, here, in front of everyone!?To my relief Taylor doesn’t kiss her. She just lets her hands on her face while Emma’s are on her shoulders and starts to talk with Emma with hushed words, and now they are looking at each other like if they know a secret nobody else does and I just want to get away because they clearly forgot about us now and I can’t help but to think that I’m intruding.Andrew doesn’t think the same tough.
He claps loudly and that’s enough to startle the love birds that finally separate, their shoulders still touching.“Didn’t your parents tell you that is not a good impression to ignore the people that you just had met?” He means it as a joke, but it comes out pretty awkward and I struggle to not cringe.Taylor and Emma have the decency to look at least little embarrassed and when the blonde girl finally notices me, she blinks twice, like if I haven’t been standing there for the last five minutes.“Hi,” she says and then takes a step closer to me. Emma starts talking with Andrew. “I’m Taylor.” She waves.“Nice to meet you.” I reply with what I hope looks like a genuinely smile. There wasn’t anything nice about being ignored but I’m here to make good impressions, so I shallow my annoyance and try to look as lovely as ever. I realize it didn’t work when Taylor laughs.“Your face says otherwise.” She says amusedly and then my expression of utter horror at being caught must be so funny for her because she laughs louder. I don’t know what to say but luckily Taylor keeps talking after her laugh dies.“You are very tall. And that is something coming from a tall person. Like I thought I was tall but look at you, you are a giant!”As a teenager I’m not still quite comfortably with my height but I shrug. “Well, I’m 6 feet. I hope I don’t grow up anymore”“As I said very tall. You should be a model. “I want to scream. I can’t help the smug smirk that spreads across my face when I reply with a cocky: “I am one.”Taylor makes a sound that can’t be human ―between a snort and a chuckle― and then she looks at me as if I am the most interesting thing in the universe, her eyes sparkling with curiosity.“Should have seen that one coming. You are gorgeous and tall, of course you are a model,” she shakes her head and I blush a little because of her compliments. “How old are you?”“Seventeen.” I try not to laugh as I reply because her accent is funny. She’s so obviously from Nashville and fortunately Taylor doesn’t notice my struggle.“Mhmmm I’m 5´9 and I stopped growing at eighteen. I’m 20 now.
Don’t worry too much.”
I nod and then we are just standing there looking at each other awkwardly and in my need of filling the silence I blurt out the same words I told Emma mere minutes ago.“You look familiar.” I can’t believe I said this twice in one night, and I feel heat crawl up my neck and I really want to lock myself in my bedroom and never come out.Instead of teasing me as I was expecting, Taylor looks thoughtful.“Really? I don’t recall meetin’ you before.”“Oh, oh no. I mean yeah this is the first time we met.” I fumble with my words. “But like I saw you in a video or something, uhm― Love Story that is! I really like the song and it became a hit, so I have watched the video a couple of times.”Taylor is watching me with delight and her smile is so big that it’s a wonder how her face doesn’t split in half. “That’s very sweet Karlie, thank you. And Love Story it’s one of my favorites too.” She sighs dreamily, her gaze drifting into the distance, and for a moment it’s like her mind isn’t here but then she looks at me “Marry me Juliet.” She half sings, half talks and then she gives me a wink and I blush so hard because what the fuck?! Did Taylor Swift just flirt with me?! Wasn’t she swooning over Emma like a minute ago?I sure must look shocked and Taylor taking the chance of me being distracted, grabs a glass of wine from a waitress and sips it.“Lovely song.” I croak out, voice coming out a little higher than I intended, and I internally wince. Lucky for me Emma and Andrew decide to approach us now and they save me of embarrassing myself even further.The four of us get in a talk, but Taylor is mostly sneaking glances at Emma while the girl speaks and it’s so gross how whipped she looks, like really, her eyes are literally two hearts at this point. We talk for a few more minutes until Emma tugs Taylor and takes her to say hi to another people but not before flashing me a wide grin and for a moment I can understand why Taylor gives her starry eyes; Emma is beautiful. Taylor only gives us another wave, too concentrated in Emma to even say goodbye.
They walk away holding hands and I turn to Andrew.“Taylor is really something else.” He chuckles and before I can ask him about it he introduces me to another group of people. I sigh inwards.I should really get used to award shows.
ROBERTO CAVALLI’S 40th PARTY
2010
Karlie
THE PARTY IS AMAZING. I was invited, and the place is cool as fuck, an ancient edifice that was now a museum called the École Nationale Supérieure des Beaux-Arts that has nearly over 200 years ago and it’s all about fashion. I feel at ease here, like this is where I belong, and nobody cares if I’m underage and drinking glasses of champagne and we are in fucking Paris, the city of fashion, hello.I’m three hours into the party, when I excuse myself of the groups of cool models that I’m talking to and go to the bathroom. When I’m entering someone is about to leave and the doorway is small, so we bump into each other. The girl crashes on my neck because I’m awfully tall ‘cause to my dismay I ended up growing another two inches so now I’m 6’2.
I liked being tall just not THIS tall. But then I realized that being this tall landed me more modeling jobs since there weren’t many girls that were this height without heels, so I started to embrace it and then I moved on from my insecurities about being a giraffe.“Sorry,” me and the girl talk at the same time and then she looks up and holy shit, it’s Taylor. She is awfully tall too, I’m only three inches taller than her, and I rub my neck because it hurts a little.“Hello, Taylor.” I smile and it’s not embarrassing anymore because at least I have met her before. Taylor only looks me with brows furrowed and a little of amusement before I realize l am blocking the exit, so I step aside. She doesn’t move.“Hi.” she says and it’s awkward. It’s my turn to frown because I thought we were pass that. But I get her, we only had met before once so maybe she builds relationships with people in a slower pace. Maybe she doesn’t get comfortable with people being causal with her until she really knows them and since I kind of want to have at least a casual friendship with this girl ―the more acquaintances I do in the industry better― I try to do small talk.“I didn’t expect you to see you here.”
Taylor amusement only grows but she also looks a bit offended and I frown in confusion, did I say something wrong? I sneak a glance in her way; she’s wearing a black
Roberto Cavalli
mini spritzed with silver rhinestones, with her hair in a bun. She looks good.
“Well, I fancy this kind of events. I never have been in Paris you know? It’s weird because I travel a lot so when I got invited I couldn’t decline. Also, my hotel room is so cool, I can see the Eiffel tower from my window! And Paris is so nice, I went sightseeing and the whole thing is just breath taking, it’s like a dream come true.” She is beaming now, and I’m surprised of how much she’s talking. She must realize this too because then she says, “and I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”I smile sweetly.“I understand the excitement. I have been in Paris a few times in fashion shows and yeah, the city of love is pretty amazing. “Taylor nods and then she stares at me curiously.“What?” I say when she’s been staring at me for over ten seconds without saying nothing. She doesn’t even blink but her mouth curves as she is about to say something.“Taylor!” A brunette enters the bathroom interrupting whatever Taylor was going to say. She walks to Taylor’s side and throws me a curious glance but doesn’t say nothing. “I thought you got diarrhea or something, you were taking so much time.”Taylor’s checks redden, and I try to hide my laugh“Uhm I was just talking to―uhm―” She makes a motion with her arm, pointing at me.“Whatever,” the brunette says, and she looks in a hurry. She takes Taylor’s arm and drags her outside, the brunette only giving me a rushed ´bye´ and Taylor doesn’t even throw me a glance before they disappear in the party again. I shook my head and go to pee.
There’re over 1,200 guests in the party tonight and I don’t see Taylor again tonight.
Tommy Hilfiger’s Spring Fashion Show
2010
Taylor.
I’m sitting front row in one of the fashions shows my team said I have to attend in order to keep myself relevant and public appearances are always good promo for my upcoming album. Unlike many of the events I was forced to go, I was actually looking forward to this one since the moment I knew I was going to for one simple reason: girls. Stunning, tall, beautiful and amazing women walking down the catwalk in clothes designed exactly for them, that fitted them in the right places and hugged their curves in a way that made my heart do flips, was like a dream come true. But of course, the world couldn’t know. They couldn’t know that America sweetheart was a girl that was losing her mind over other girls, that liked to kiss them, love them, caress them, sometimes make them scream my name at inappropriate hours of the day and write the rest of my life about them. No, they couldn’t know when my love was seen as an illness, something that still wasn’t even legal in some parts of the world and therefore considered as a crime. It also wasn’t something that I was eager to share, since being gay was not a good image for a rising country star when most of my targeted audience was teenage girls from conservative families that would rather kill themselves than let their daughters listen to a lesbian. And my career was doing pretty good lately so the last thing on my mind was coming out since that would make my career plump faster than a blink.
So, I had to keep my swooning at bay and make a neutral face whenever a particular beautiful girl passed by me, clap when everyone else was doing it so I don’t look suspicious and let out a little laugh when someone seated close would crack a joke, after all I was attending this for promo and I had to look charming.This worked for me for the best part of the night, until a very tall girl made her entrance and my breath got caught in my throat for a second because holy shit, this girl is hot. She looks pretty young, maybe way too young to be modelling and she was all high cheek bones and sharp features, her jaw looking like it can cute me in a half, and although she has long straight brunette hair― I had a thing for green eyes blondes― I was still hypnotized by her.
She is wrapped in a red jumpsuit, same color as me and I feel silly thinking that we match. Her eyes are almost transparent because of the light so I can’t quite make out the color they are but they looked like a light green blue-ish, but the thing that was making my heart beat faster was her gaze; confidence poured from her, and she has a look that is almost predatory, walking like she owns the place and I find myself very attracted to that. She resembles a panther watching her prey and God damn if I don’t want to be eaten by her. I scan her face when she passes by me to get a better look and the only flaw I can find is her top lip; it’s so thin it almost looks like it doesn’t exist, seems like it could disappear if she smiles and her bottom lip isn’t even that full to make it up for the lack of the upper one, but I still wonder what would it feel to kiss lips like these.
The girl was gone in seconds, modeling off her red jumpsuit to the audience in the center, and I feel bitterness as I’m seated in the sides, wishing to be seated there to catch a better glimpse of her and that gaze. There was a tug at the back of my mind telling me that she looked familiar, but I brushed it off quickly, it was not unlikely that I had seen her face in an event or something so maybe that’s why.“Her name is Karlie. Karlie Kloss.” I feel a gentle swat in my arm, and I stop watching the girl to stare at my stylist, Joseph, who is sited beside me, a knowing smirk on his face. “She’s eighteen and an absolutely sweetheart.”“You know her?” I ask as I watch Karlie walk away, disappearing into black curtains and stupidly wishing she would turn to look at me, which is very impossible since models are only allowed to keep their gazes at front, always.“Mhmm” Joseph says, nodding. “I have worked with her, maybe in two or three shootings and she’s an angel. She always brings cookies to the whole staff that are delicious. I think you two would get along nicely, since you both love to bake and you kinda share the same personality traits. Like I thought you were the sweetest person ever but then I met Karlie and she beats you. By mills.”“Looks like an interesting person,” I said, watching the other models, processing the information I just got about this girl Karlie. If she really likes to bake, I can reach her with the excuse of a bake date, and I could see us two developing a friendship and it would be the coolest thing ever to have a friend that shares my passion since all of my friends don’t even know how to make a cupcake.
“I’ll try to get in contact with her.” I decide as I make a mental note to ask Paula, my publicist, to get me Karlie’s number.“You should” Joseph said, cockiness covering his voice. “And if you don’t it hit off right away, I’m sure the fact you were thirsting over her earlier is gonna help.”I gasp as I turn with a horrified look to glare at him“I wasn’t.” I tell him and elbow his ribs. His smirk only gets bigger.“Whatever you say,” Joseph says shrugging his shoulders, his tone letting me know he doesn’t believe me one bit.I shook my head, faking offence, and I focus my attention to the models again.“Karlie.” I sigh, and that is the first time I taste her name in my mouth.“Don’t drool too much, Tay” Penn Badlgey― who is sited on my other side ―snorts and I throw him a dirty look for the rest of the show.
Met Gala 2011
I never reached Karlie. In fact, I forgot absolutely about Karlie Kloss and her high cheek bones and lipless mouth, the moment a new person walked into my life; Dianna Agron. Blonde and with green eyes as I like them ―except her eyes were hazel only green with the light― and it was like the only thing I knew about life anymore was her.
I went to sleep with her name tattooed on my mind, waking up with her essence, breathing her laughs, thinking about her smiles, wanting to write hundreds of albums about her. I thought I loved before, but oh God, I was wrong. Loving Dianna took all my energy, her always occupying my thoughts like an illness that makes your way into your body slowly and once you realize it it’s too late to do anything.And I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why being in love with her felt sometimes as I could fly because that’s how just happy I was and other times, it was like my skin was being peeled off my bones. I didn’t understand why loving her made me feel like I couldn’t breathe, like I was always drowning, when love is supposed to make you feel good. But not with Dianna, she is always the fucking exception of the rule.So tired as ever, with all my energy drained because of the chaos that was loving her, I attended the Met Gala. That event was a big deal, it was like a convection of celebs and it created a lot of buzz among the normal people. This year was my third time coming, and not only for promo reasons, I also enjoyed this because it was a good chance to catch up with acquaintances and old friends, the music was good, and the food was delicious. I also loved walking the red carpet, since this one gets more attention than any other event because we have to get dressed in a particular thematic that changed every year, and everyone was eager to see how we ended up going.
This year the theme was Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty and I was dressed in a J. Mendel gown, my hair in a fancy up-do.This year for the first time in the Met Gala I felt like I was dying as I climbed the stairs, and I throwed a smile that I wasn’t feeling, stroke various poses and after ten minutes of pure agony where the photographers took their shoots, I quickly made my way inside.Dianna is here. Or at least she is supposed to. Of course, we didn’t come together because Paula advised against it, which lead to a fight ―that I didn’t have energy for― between me and Dianna and we haven’t made up yet, so I scan the room searching for her, sighing when I don’t find her.
A member of the staff takes me to my table, which is pretty empty. I thank him, and I order him a whisky on ice, and he lefts, letting me alone to wander with my thoughts and I decide right there that as soon as I see Dianna I’m going to apologize even though I don’t know what the fuck I’m apologizing for.
I just want us to be okay. It feels like shit because I haven’t seen my girlfriend in a month and yesterday I got to finally see her properly and we fought. Just fucking great.I was gulping my seventh whisky down, my table now only half empty at that time and still no sign of Dianna, when a familiar face came into my vision; Lily Aldridge, my supermodel friend with all of her glory in a beautiful gown, came to greet me and she wasn’t alone. My eyes widened slightly as I realized that the person behind her was none else than Karlie Kloss.“Hey Tay.” Lily greets me kissing my check. I give her a one sided huge, still sitting on my chair. She steps aside, and I take in the stunning sight that is Karlie in a gold Dior gown. I can see her eyes better from here and I realize they are green, with the faintest blue in them. “This is uh―” she motions with her hands to where Karlie is standing awkwardly. It is weird to see her like this when I still remember how confident she was in the catwalk when I first saw her, “Karlie. Ok, you two are kindred spirits. How have my two nice American friends never met?”“I don’t know.” Karlie says and there’s amusement sparkling in her eyes and I want to know what’s so funny. Lily shrugs her off and goes to goes to speak with someone on my table.I crack a half smile―the only genuine smile I had made in the whole night― when Karlie extends her hand with a quick “Hi”. I shake my hand with hers, liking how soft they are unlike mine that have callouses for playing the guitar constantly.“Oh, I know who you are.” I say cheekily.Karlie’s eyes widen slightly.“Really? I think I would recall meeting you before. Your face is kinda hard to forget.” She says playfully.I arch a brow. Is this girl hitting on me?“You are not so bad yourself.” I reply with the same tone as hers. Then I use a more serious voice. “You look…” I let my eyes scan quickly her body while in my mind I try to search the right word that defined Karlie´s beauty. I look her in the eyes when I find it. “Gorgeous.”Karlie’s cheeks blush slightly. She opens her mouth to say something, but I continue speaking.“And my make-up people always say that you and I should meet up since we both love to bake. They said that your cookies are send by the gods.
“Karlie blushes more, but there’s a smirk on her face.“Seriously?”“Yes, almost every time I do to a shoot they go: ‘Doesn’t she reminds you of Karlie? God, she and Karlie would be best friends’”“Wouldn’t you like to find out?” She must see the confusion on my face because she adds: “About the cookies, I mean. Know if what they say about it its true. And by the way they say the same to me.” Her voice deepens, “´Karlie you must meet Taylor.
You even look alike physically and you even kinda have the same personality´”I can’t help but let out a chuckle at Karlie trying to imitate the voice of her stylist. Then I realize that she was still standing, and I was sitting, so I quickly pull the beside chair for her.
“Sit, please” I motion to the chair. She does as told. “I’m sorry I didn’t do that earlier. That was rude of me.”Karlie waves me off with her hand, resting matter to the situation.“Isn’t this chair for someone else?”I froze as a I hear the words because that chair was for Dianna. I let out a shaky breath, I don’t want to think about Dianna right now, so I turn to look at Karlie, trying to focus on her face.“Yes.” I reply through gritted teeth. “But they are not coming.”Karlie must note the bitterness in my tone, because she doesn’t make more questions. Being aware of the awkward air that was starting to form between us, I say the first thing that comes to my mind.“You know, I saw you last year.” Karlie watches me quietly. “Tommy Hilfiger Spring fashion show.
You looked impressive walking down the catwalk. Your face of determination was just―” I motion with my hands, “wow. You totally choose the right career. “Karlie smiled shyly at that.“Thank you, I’m glad you liked it. And I always try to do everything right. It’s very impourtanth to me to offer nothing but the best”Almost everything she said went over my head when I heard the way she pronounced “important”.“What was that?” I ask with an amused face. Had I been sober I would never make a funny remark after she just spoke so honestly about her feelings. But damn, today I was an emotional wreck and I was tipsy ―okay maybe a little bit drunk― so my words don’t have filter.“Excuse me?” Karlie asks, hurt flashing in her eyes.
Oh shit, she thought I was making fun about her feelings.“I mean, the way you say impourtanth.” I try to imitate her. “You pronounced it weird.”Karlie relaxed but her expression changed to a confused one.“I don’t.”“You do! You said ‘impourtanth’”“Did not”“Say it again. I challenge you”Karlie scoffs at that.“I’m perfectly capable of saying the word impourtanth right Taylor. “I let out a quickly laugh when she pronounces it the same way as before.“Oh my god.” I say between chuckles. “Karlie Kloss, can model, can bake, but can’t say the word important.
Can’t believe I just found your weakness.”Karlie let out an annoyed huff at that. She totally believes she is saying it right.“Taylor Swift, can sing, can bake, but can’t hear correctly because I’m pronouncing the word right.”I smirk.“My ears are perfectly good, thank you.”“Really?” She says arching a brow. “To me it looks like they can do a check-up.”I was just gonna reply when my phone buzzed, the words dying in my throat when I checked it.
You
Where are you?
19:06
Babe <3
I went out clubbing
8:30
You
You can’t be serious right now
8:31
Babe <3
I dont want to see youYou r always saying im the one making things difficult but your team makes the impossible to keep us apart
8:31
I swallowed the lump in my throat at that because she was right.
You
Babe pleaseI want to apologizePlease come
8:32
Babe <3
I’ll think about it
8:34
I didn’t know how my face looked at that moment but when I blocked my phone and turned my attention back to Karlie, the girl was already standing, Lily beside her.“Uhm,” she started awkwardly, I guess my expression wasn’t a good one. “It was nice to meet you Taylor, but we have to return to our table.”I wave my hand at her, suddenly not in the mood for talking. Lily gives me a kiss on the check and goes away with a quick “See ya later Tay.”I make a decision quickly in my head as I see Karlie walk away. I grab her wrist before she is out of reach, and she turns to look at me, a question in her eyes.“I would really like to find out if what they say about the cookies is true.”Karlie smiles at that.“It’s this your way of inviting me on a bake date?”I force myself to smile at that. Karlie had no idea what I was going through, and I don’t want to leave a bad impression on the girl. She is nice, and I don’t want to ruin my chances of a friendship with her.“It is.” I retreat my hand and Karlie smile only grows bigger.“Hope to see you soon then.” She dedicates me a last smile and turns to go in the direction Lily disappeared before.Dianna showed up half an hour later and it felt like I could breathe again. We made up, danced the night away and suddenly the Met Gala wasn’t so bad. I ran into Karlie a few times and into other friends, but I walked away right away, avoiding them like the plague not wanting for a second to turn my attention away from my girlfriend, having the irrational thought that Dianna would disappear if I let her out of my sight for only a second.As I looked into her bright hazel eyes watching me with adoration I wondered when it will stop hurting.
Rodarte Spring Fashion 2012. / Vogue February Issue 2012
September 12th
2011
Taylor.
"I have never been to a show where I wanted to wear everything,” I say breathlessly, watching the models come and go.Anna Wintour lets out a little laugh, because of course I’m seated beside the editor in chief of one of the most important magazines of the country.“I’m really feeling the Sleeping Beauty and Van Gogh’s vibes.” She looks at me through her sunglasses ― and she’s the only one who can get away with using them in a closed space because of the mere fact that she is Anna Wintour― and I nod in agreement.“The colors feel like an old Disney Movie.” Rooney adds and then the three of us engage in a conversation discussing the inspirations behind the clothes as flurries of purple and green pass in front of our eyes. The models are always a sigh to behold and halfway through the show I get stuck in the infamous limbo of; do I want to be her? Or do I want to be with her? Until a brunette comes walking down into the runaway and I squint my eyes trying to figure out why does she look so familiar.She’s taller than the other models, all sharp features and arched eyebrows, wearing a long purple dress, with some light blue decorations on, black high heels on and even though is a pretty dress, her look is the most captivating thing about her. She looks determined, ready to kill a man, and her heavy black shadow only emphasizes that.“She is called The Panther.” Anna says low as if it were a secret. “I don’t know who named her, but they were very spot on. That look is depredatory.”It’s not until I have her only a few inches away that I recognize her. This is the same girl I encountered in the Met Gala a few months ago, the same girl I was watching a year ago in the same position. Karlie.She leaves too fast and the next model comes on but I’m not paying attention anymore, my mind now filling with memories of a promised bake date. I never reached her, I managed to forget about the tall girl once again but to be fair if I thought loving Dianna was exhausting before, I had no fucking idea. I was hopeless to think that things would get better. It was a constant dose of distance, timing, breakdown, fighting, silence, and giving up. I knew that our relationship was doomed, but I couldn’t bring myself to really leave her because as much as it hurts being with her, the idea of leaving her made me feel like my heart was being ripped out of my body. It also took a lot of courage, courage that I didn’t have.The familiar sensation of guilt sits heavy at the pit of my stomach, God, she must think I’m an asshole. I need to make it up to her.
As the show wraps out I think for a while about going backstage and meeting her there, after all there’s no way someone would object to that, after many years in the industry my name carries power and with that comes a lot of privileges. But then I remember I’m gonna be interviewed by Vogue right after this is over so that possibility is out of the table now. It seems I’m not gonna see Karlie any sooner. I sigh and watch a little bitter the rest of the show, only cheering up when Beyoncé comes to hug me as the show is finally over and that at least puts me in a better mood.The interviewer, Jonathan, is waiting for me outside and I smile at him as we as we hop into my car and make our way to designer showrooms. These kinds of written interviews are my favorite ones because they will never ask something that I wouldn’t allow, or I could avoid it easily or just simply politely ask to keep it off record. It gives me a sense of security.“Have you watched the Honey Badger video?” I’m trying to shake off the awkward tension that its normal between two strangers. Jonathan nods and I take that as a green light to start making an imitation of the video, “I know all the words by memory.” I laugh once I’m finished, then I remember my image. “Could you keep the swearing off track please?”“Yes, don’t worry about it.”We talk for a while, about not being the popular kid, my music, my dating life, and we are now visiting the second designer showroom of the day, a tiny studio owned by Prabal Gurung. I have just set a foot in when something on the wall in front of me caught my eye. It looks awful familiar, so I walk the few steps to get a closer view only to find it was a photo of Karlie in one of Gurung’s dresses.
I couldn’t believe my eyes; It was like a slap to my face, an ironical coincidence, a way of fate trying to tell me something. I couldn’t waste this chance.I can feel the seven people in this studio watching me quietly. I touch the pic slowly, thinking about my next words carefully.“I love Karlie Kloss.” This would have to do it, this was my way to make it up for her. “I want to bake cookies with her.”
It was like an open invitation, I knew there was no way in hell she wouldn’t hear of this, she’s a model, she surely keeps tabs on magazines.
The rest of the interview went pretty smooth and I made pretty clear that I wanted that part about Karlie to end up in the actual magazine. Then I let Paula know that I wanted to be notified immediately if Karlie Kloss or her team tried to reach me. If she doesn’t reply when the magazine is out then I would know she wants nothing to do with me, but if she does...Well, I can see us becoming great friends.
January 17th
2012
The magazine was released yesterday. Dianna had already tweeted me about it and it was quite funny actually trying to see her winning me back calling me ‘beautiful’. My heart still did a flip when I saw her tweet though and I hated myself for it because this was dangerous territory, Dianna was nothing but trouble and worst of all, she wasn’t ready to commit, her play girl reputation preceding her, leading us to end our rather causal relationship two weeks ago. I wanted to be serious, she didn’t, end of discussion.
I still have feelings for her and she isn’t making this anything easier and fuck, I don’t want to think about her stupid handsome face right now, so I go to my living room and make myself a cocktail. I’m on my second vodka with coke drink when my phone buzzes.
Paula E.
Check Karlie Kloss’ Twitter
17:12
I immediately go to the blue icon, typing her name in the search bar. The first thing that showed up in her profile was a tweet that read:Hey @taylorswift13 love the @voguemagazine cover! Your kitchen or mine? :)
17:08
01/17/2012
I actually let out an excited squeal at that.
It looked like I had still had a chance of pursing a friendship with Karlie and she wasn’t mad at me for ignoring her. I’m not going to ruin it this time. I was just about to give a star to the tweet but thought better of it.
You
Do u think it would be a good idea to publicly acknowledge her tweet?
Also get me her number asap
17:20
Paula E.
How long have you known this girl? If you do as much as favorite her tweet people will pick on it. I think its better have a relationship defined with her before you do anything public, keep it under wraps.On it.
17:21
You
Kay you are right
17:22
Paula E.
Just please tell me this isn’t one of your flings
17:22
I got a little angry at that.
With all the bullshit going on with Dianna, the last thing on my mind was dating and besides I hadn’t even thought about Karlie that way since I first saw her.
You
None of your concerns.
17:22
Paula E.
I’m your publicist Taylor, it’s obviously my business.
17:23
You
Yeah you like to remind me that every two secondsMe and Dianna just broke up and I’m not looking for a rebound.
17:23
Paula E.
You better don’t go back to that girl. She’s bad news.
17:23
I scowled, as if I don’t know that already. In the best days my publicist is bearable but now she’s just acting like a jerk. I don’t have the best relationship with Paula because of her acting petty and condescending with me more often than not. I get it’s her job to advise me, but she could do it in a kinder way.
I ignore her until she messages me Karlie’s number and I go to text the girl immediately.
You
I think I would prefer my kitchen.
I’m a bit of a perfectionist so it would be better for me if was in control.
17:45
Three dots appeared instantly.
K.K.
Oh so shes alive!You know if you wanted my number you could have just asked me ;)
17:45
I feel guilt rise in my chest.
You
Yeah, sorry about that. I just got carried away with a lot of stuffBut I still want to know about those cookiesAnd I literally asked for your number you know
17:45
K.K
I felt like you forgot about meBut then you said you loved meI guess I been on your mind lately ;)And you didn’t ask it to me :(
17:47
I snorted at Karlie’s attempts to flirt. Is she even sure that I’m gay? Is she even into girls? Okay she pings a lot, but I’m not sure. I make a mental note to ask Lily about it later. Before I can reply Karlie sends me another text.
K.K.
Where do u live
17:49
You
NashvilleActually, Lily lives in the same condo as meYou?And I didn’t ask you because I have not seen you duh
17:49
K.K.
Omg been there beforeAnd nycThe city that never sleepsAnd I would had been glad to give it to you in the met gala you know :)
17:49
You
Great you know the placeI live in the top floorI can have you flied to NashvilleAnd I didn’t ask your number In the MG because you were all over me bragging about your cookies
17:50
K.K.
Offering to pay for my plane tickets? That’s more that I bargained when I tweeted thatAnd I was totally not
17:50
You
I mean. On my private jetAnd whatever you say
17:50
Karlie didn’t reply till a few minutes later. I was worried that I made it sound like I was showing off.
K.K
You have a private jet o:Damn I totally choose the wrong career im stuck on commercial flights
17:56
You
Well that’s what happens when you have an album sell one million copies on its first week
;)
17:56
Okay I was totally showing off at this point, but I couldn’t stop.
K.K
Congratulations
And That’s hot
17:56
I chuckled at Karlie still trying to flirt.
You
Thank youAnd I wouldn’t call it hot but im flatteredAlso im sure your career choice is fineIt fits you
17:56
K.K
U r kiddin me ? U are toally beating those 40 yo old White men that used to rule countryA young girl doing as good in country like you? Never seen before. You changed the game
17:56
I actually blushed a little at Karlie’s praise and I hated myself for it.
K.K
And yeah I do recall you calling me gorgeous
17:57
You
Well, you areWhen are u free?
17:57
I kept texting Karlie, finding easy to enable conversation with the girl and after we both checked our schedules we settled in February 20.
K.K
Have to goIt was nice talking to you
6:45
You
ByeI can say the same
6:45
I was just about to put my phone away when another message arrived.
K.K
Not to sound clingy but Please don’t disappear again
6:46
The guilt came back.
You
I will try
6:46
There was no reply after that.
Bake Date
February 20th
2012
Fortunately, I didn’t forget about Karlie this time. I flew her to my Nashville house as I promised, and nobody knew because a) paps only show in my hangar if my team calls them b) Contrary to the popular belief, paparazzi shows most of the time when an artist calls them, like they can’t be anywhere just waiting to catch a sight of a celeb. Or sometimes you don’t even have to call them just go to a very public place or something like that and they will show up.But I had no reasons to call the paps this time, and I didn’t want a headline about us, so I didn’t.The receiver buzzes, and I click the button.“Yes?”“Miss Swift, Miss Kloss is here to see you”“‘kay. Thank you, Harvin. Send her up”“Right away”A few minutes later the bell rings. I’m practically behind the door waiting for Karlie, so I open it right away.Karlie obviously wasn’t expecting me to open it so quickly because her expression is of pure surprise.“Hi,” I say. I’m not sure how to greet her, we are past handshakes, but we aren’t in hugs yet, so I settle with a kiss to her check. Karlie wasn’t also expecting that since her face flushed and answered with a chocked ‘hello’ “Come in.”I take Karlie by the hand and led her to the kitchen. Once we get there I smile at her, dropping her hand, while Karlie watches curiously.“How was your fly?” I ask trying to break the awkwardness between us.Karlie smiled and turned her head to look at me.“It was cozy. I feel impourtanth”I can’t help the laugh I let out at that and with that our awkwardness is gone.“There are you doing it again.”Karlie throws me a dirty look. I ignore her.“Impourtanth. “I try to make the sound of her voice. “This is very impourtanth Taylor. The impourtance of this…”Karlie cuts me off stepping beside me and giving a swat to my arm. “You are a very bad imitator. I’m twenty Taylor, I would know if I’m not able to pronounce a word but
I’m going to remember not to say that word in front of you because your mockery is pretty cringy”I act as if I’m offended by her words.“Okay miss impoURtantH” I remark, trying to make a point to Karlie. She only watches me amusedly and I cant’t believe that she really thinks that she is saying it right.
“I’m gonna drop it now but this is not the last time that you will her of my ´pretty bad mockery’.
So, you gonna teach me the secret formula? ““Oh yeah.” Karlie’s face lit up with excitement. “Do you think you have all the ingredients?”“Hey, I’m a bake expert and If I don’t I can send someone for it”“Okay we are gonna need...” Karlie started to say while I putted the things that I already had on the counter. In the end we were missing three ingredients, so I sent Greg ―my security guard―for it.I helped her do her famous Karlie’s Kookies and after an hour of teasing and snarky remarks I found myself really enjoying Karlie’s presence. She was always at ease and the way she moved, so relaxed. She seemed so cool and it made my heart swell with hate because I wished to be like that, but I knew that in a life like mine that wasn’t going to happen. I’m always gonna be worried about something so I could never be as carefree as Karlie. It didn’t matter how much I wanted to be.“What are you thinking?” Karlie says as we wait for the cookies in the oven to be ready, sitting on my couch. “You zoomed out”Of course, I couldn’t tell her what I was actually thinking so I lied easily.“Do you think we look alike?”Karlie blinks. She wasn’t expecting that.
Then she recovers, her lips forming a lazy smirk.“Well, I would say no. But we are both American white girls and white people all look like siblings, so yes”I laugh at that. Yeah, I like this girl. I was just about to reply when the ding of the oven let us know that the cookies are ready. I approach it quickly, put on oven mitts and pull out the recipient and into the counter. Karlie says that we need to let them cool off for twenty minutes, so we do small talk. Karlie tells me all about her modeling career, how was she discovered and that she had a thing for coding. I call her nerd after that and she stucks her tong out at me.“So, it’s time for the verdict,” I say after my phone buzzes with the timer I set up.“You are gonna like them.” Karlie says cockily.I just throw her an arched brow and I take one cookie. I make sure of taking the first bite as dramatic and slow as ever just to piss her off.
It works when she grunts, “Just get over it,” so to make her angrier I keep chewing pretty slow.“So?”I smile. “I think we are bake mates officially now”Karlie beams at that, and then she gives me a smug smile.“I told you so. Now bake mates? Ask me to dinner first.”I
gasp when I realize that Karlie is flirting. I know she means it in a harmless way, but I’m not comfortable with that. Karlie starts to apologize but I cut her off.“I mean...I... I’m... I’m in a relationship Karlie.” I wanted to say girlfriend, but I knew that isn’t gonna happen until I make Karlie sign an NDA. It sounds lame but if I want to keep a secret that is the best way. Well okay, I’m not in a relationship right now, but I know I’m only fooling myself for now because sooner or later I would be back with Dianna and I don’t want to throw Karlie in the middle of that. It wouldn’t be fair.Her face shows disappointment and she lets out a little “Oh.” and suddenly the air between us is pretty awkward, so I clear my throat trying to dissipate it.“I think I’m gonna take you on the dinner offer. It’s my time of showing off now”Karlie rolls her eyes and watches me amusedly. “Like if you picking me up in a private jet wasn’t enough bragging?” I start to protest but she keeps going, “Are you a good cock?”“As good as you are a baker.”
She nods. “Then I’m sold.”“I’m vegetarian by the way,” Karlie looks at me nervously when we are back in the kitchen. I shrug.“I have a lot of vegetarian friends. In fact, I make this really good Indian roasted cauliflower. I think you will like it.”She scrunchs her nose, unimpressed. “I have had it before. Not my favorite.”I don’t even blink. “But you will like mine. I roast the cauliflower in olive oil and add a yoghurt sauce with spices and pine nuts.”Karlie doesn’t seem convinced, so I try again. “I’ll even do the dishes.”She scratchs her check considering it. “This time and forever.”“Excuse me?”“If you want me to taste that horrible thing again, then every time we bake or cook you’ll do the dishes. ““Okay, deal.” I don’t think much of it, I just really want to make that dish. “I’m gonna change you mind about Indian cauliflower.”“I doubt it.”I snorted. She was going to be proven so wrong.I put extra effort in the dish because I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to show off. I wanted to impress her.
Karlie helped me, and when she took a bite, making a delighted sound I felt the same way I did when my latest album broke records. It was pure satisfaction.“So,” I inquire. I want to hear it.“What?” Karlie plays dumb but she can’t hide her face of pleasure when she takes another bite. “Goddam it. Okay you win. Indian cauliflower is not so bad when is made by you”“Not so bad?”“I would hire you as my chef if I could.” Karlie takes another bite and I feel my ego skyrocketing. “God, this is so good. Now stop being smug and sit down,”“I’m not being smug.” I say even if I totally am and sit down across her, nibbling at my own plate.We talk about random things in the industry, exchanging funny stories, what friends we had in common and as Karlie laughs I decide I really like her, so I would do an effort to form and maintain a friendship. There’re so much people you meet here that is easy to forget them and you just remember them every three years when you bump awkwardly into each other. I don’t want to forget about Karlie. Soon it was late, and she and I have work to do tomorrow so I walk her to my door.“My driver will take you to the airport.”Karrie smiles sheepishly.“That’s sweet but I like to take cabs.”I make an offended sound.“There’s no way I’m letting you go in a cab when my driver can take you.” I scoff.“I already used your jet, I don’t want to overstep” Karlie looks at me shyly and I understand where she is coming from so I give her a side hug and a smile I hope it’s reassuring.“Hey none of that. That’s the perks of being friends with me, just enjoy it.”Karlie steps out of my embrace and arches a brow.“I didn’t know we were friends”“Would you like to?” I ask, and my voice maybe came out a bit more serious than I expected because Karlie face drops all playfulness and her expression becomes more tender.“I would. A lot.” Then she gives me a loud kiss on the check. “I really have to go now.”I nod a little dumbfounded by the sudden kiss, “My driver is waiting for you outside”And now it’s my turn to kiss her check, more calmly thought, and I would be lying if I say I didn’t enjoy the light pink on her cheekbones.“Hope to see you soon.” She waves.“Me too.” I reply as she walks away and then I close the door.
VICTORIA’S SECRETS FASHION SHOW
NOVEMBER 12th2013
Taylor.
We don’t see each other soon. And its not because I forget about her, it’s because she forgets about me. We try to text but it’s so awkward because we have only truly meet once so after a month there’s nothing to talk about, but I still try to make an effort, but Karlie’s replies are half assed and then she just stops replying.
It hurts a little but taking In consideration that I have ghosted her before I try to not blame her, she also must be very busy with work, and then I can’t do nothing about our failing friendship because a lot of things happens that let me with no time to dwell on her; I release my fourth album RED, one of my most personal works, Dianna’s reaction to it is something I will remember for the rest of my life, her face at the cheating nods, how she cried when she listened All Too Well because she knew it was over even thought we were still together. Simultaneously I go on a PR relationship with Harry Styles that ends up being a mess and lets my reputation shrinking, to explain better:
10 months earlier:
My contract with Harry has just ended and I’m so mad, I’m so fucking angry, this relationship was the last straw and it caused the opposite of what I wanted. I’m on my jet ranting to Claire, one of my best friends, about this fucking ass worst fauxmance ever.
“He’s a fucking idiot! Like I get that he’s only 18 and maybe he doesn’t really understand it right now, but that’s no excuse! “I’m yelling at this point because I’m so pissed “I was bearding at 18 too and I was better than him. I had to do all the damn heavy lift, he’s a bad actor, he didn’t even fucking try to make us look real! And im the BIG celeb here, his career is only taking it off and it depends of a bunch of 13-year-old girls, give it ten years and nobody will take his band seriously, they are just the pretty face of the moment. And I―argh I’m so mad, that asshole should have at least tried. I’m the one doing him a FAVOR, and besides I had to deal with his clingy ass fans that think that are gonna marry him and now I’m America’s whore! Its my reputation, the man eater! And you know what’s the worst part? It was HIS team who reached out for me, but that entitled idiot acted like if I was the one needing his attention, do me a favor! And dumbass Paula thought it was good idea to go with it, so now I’m dragged as his armcandy around central park in the most fake relationship ever and now my public image is destroyed! And this isn’t the first time, the thing with Connor Keneddy was a whole ass mess too! The maple coffe pics with Jake that everyone knew were fake! IM NEVER BEARDING AGAIN!
“Taylor, Taylor breathe. I’m so sorry sweetie and I know it sucks but why do you allow them to keep setting you up?” Claire voice is so relaxed, and it makes me see red.
“WHY? WHY!? Because we need the fucking publicity, that’s why! And instead of getting good publicity, now I look like a fucking
slut!” My hands turn into fists. “I’m
done! I am
never
doing this again! I am ready to quit this whole fucking thing!
Claire sighs.
“We know its not for publicity, at least not for your part. They have pushed you in three relationships in a span of two years, with all the attention you and Jake got I think it’s enough. We both know its for the other thing.”
I blink away tears because she’s right.
“They can’t know Claire. I’m just making sure.”
“Nobody knows Taylor. How many men do you need to date to assure your straight image?
“They can’t know” I repeat as a mantra. Claire sighs again.
“Okay. Call me when you get home? I’ll go give you a visit, I’m bringing wine.”
“You are the best Claire” I say with a small voice.
“I know. And Taylor?”
“If you ever go bearding again...Just try to date a straight guy this time, okay?”
That actually makes me laugh a little.
My relationship with Dianna is on and off and then goes wild, reaches peak crazy, she proposes and that’s when I realize that I have to really end things with her now and that destroyed me. Because I always knew since the start that it wasn’t going to work, that this could not last forever, that we were doomed, but actually doing it it’s a lot different. When she proposed it was all I ever wanted but not like that. So, I had to let her go, with a burning sensation in my chest as I made love to her for the very last time, and I spend the last months feeling like I couldn’t breathe but recovering bit by bit. I went to see my therapist more often and I had to take pills to sleep aside from my already prescript anxiety pills, my panic attacks were more frequent because the Dianna situation plus my public image being a disaster, so I started to smoke weed almost every day with Ed, ―I had smoke it before but only sporadically― even thought everything seemed like shit I was getting there. Good things that happened its that RED debuted with over one million copies ― I love my white republican rich fans― so maybe the relationship with Harry wasn’t a total waste of time. And it was a stronger contender for Grammys. After the breakup with Dianna I was already writing a lot of songs because that was my mechanism to cope, for my new album that didn’t have name yet. It needs to be ready for late 2014 and I don’t want to go in another faux relationship to promote it so I’m gonna milk the hell out of Harry after the hell he made me live.
And he is gonna get asked a lot about me, and he will be so cornered since he isn’t allowed to talk about me cause NDA and oh boy, I’m really gonna enjoy that. I’m probably gonna get asked about his flop ass too but I have years of practice on that type of questions and I have more control about my interviews than him.So yeah, I was pretty busy, not forgetting all about Karlie, but the girl was more like a thought in the back of my head and I’m sure it was the same for her.
So, when the organizers of Victoria Secret’s Fashion Show asked me to perform ―and of course I said yes right away, me singing while women in lingerie flirt with me and is viewed as merely platonic, it’s a dyke’s dream come true everyone! ―it didn’t even cross my mind that Karlie could be there. I mean I knew she was a model, but I didn’t know she was a Victoria Secret’s model. So of course, she was there. And then my brain did short-circuit realizing that it would be Karlie in lingerie that would flirt with me viewed in a mere platonically way and Oh. My. God. I was doubting myself a little if I could make it without swooning too much with all these beautiful women, but now knowing that Karlie was one of these women and the fact that I was physically attracted to her wasn’t helping. Because yes, now without Dianna clouding my thoughts I could admit I feel a pull to this girl.“Taylor!” Lily calls me. Today we are gonna rehearse and tomorrow we are gonna tape the show, and Lily is walking as well. She and Karlie are the only models I really know. I saw Karlie early when they were dressing her up, but she was too far way and didn’t notice me, so I didn’t stop to say hi.Lily introduces me to a girl called Martha while we are waiting for the cat walk to be set up and she’s so nice, so I make easy small talk with her.
There a lot of models arounds us getting ready and a lot of people are screaming orders and it’s a chaos, so I feel grateful to have Martha as a distraction. We talk for a little while when I feel the back of my neck burning, I turn around, and there she is. Looking at me with her arms crossed, she doesn’t even blink when I caught her staring, and it all so overwhelming that I decide to wave. She takes that as a cue and walks to me. When she finally stands in front of me and I catch a better glimpse of her my breath itches in my throat because holy shit, she’s almost half naked, with a pink thong and pink bra and she’s wearing butterfly wings and she has a perfect toned stomach. She has abs for fuck’s sake!“Hey,” she says, and I try my best to look her in the eye because I swear to God her abs are calling me to put my lips there. She looks like a fairy butterfly. Suddenly I feel overdressed and dumb in her presence with my UK themed dress, but at least I’m not wearing the stupid hat yet.
“Hi.” It’s the only thing that comes out of my mouth.
Karlie fidgets with her hands, she looks kind of guilty and oh God this is so awkward. “You chopped off your hair,” I say the first thing that comes to my mind, anything to end this silence.“Uhm, yes. I cut it last year in a shoot” Karlie rubs her neck shyly. She looks like she wants to say something, and she actually opens her mouth but nothing comes out so I decide to step in.“Ohhh, I want to cut my hair.” And in a bold move I touch her hair. Karlie blushes a little and I feel more in my zone, flirting with girls, this I can do.
“It suits you. Karlie, if you see me in a few months with that haircut, know it's because of you.” I joke.“Yeah? Well I’m honored.”“You should be.” I wink.
“I haven’t had a bob since I was a kid.”“I can’t wait for the headline.” Karlie snorts, and I start to feel more at ease. She opens her mouth to say something else, but a guy interrupts us.“Taylor! You are going in five. First section; British Invasion”I nod, and Karlie gives me an awkward smile. I touch her arm reassuring. “I’ll see you in a bit, okay?” She nods and walks away, and someone hands me the dumb hat. Okay here we go.
“Is there anything wrong with you two?” The director of the show eyes us curiously. “Some bad blood that I don’t know about?”“No.” Me and Karlie reply at the same time.“Hmmmm,” He looks thoughtful. “Taylor, you are a professional performer. And Karlie this is your third time doing this show. So can you both explain me why when it’s your turn to interact on the catwalk you look so fucking awkward?”I feel my heart drop to my stomach.
I turn to look at Karlie and she looks at me. The director clicks his tongue like he figures out what is our problem.“Oh, I see. You were in a relationship”“WHAT? NO!” I scream desperately and Karlie flinches.The director rolls his eyes exasperated. I feel a shiver going down my back.“Oh, for god’s sake Taylor, you are obviously not so straight.
Anyone that has been with you for more than five seconds would notice it.
You almost dropped your panties with all these models out there.” He points at Karlie accusatorially, “And you aren’t doing much better than her. You two are the gayest people I have ever met and for someone that works in the fashion industry, that’s saying a lot.”I’m horrified, my body has gone very stiff. Karlie doesn’t look much better.“A NDA...” I manage to blurt out with a small voice. He almost snorts.“I will happily sign both of your NDAS later. But now the pressing matter is that you two are acting like school girls with a crush. So, I don’t care whatever you have going on now, but you better fix it by tomorrow. You are dismissed.”Karlie and I leave his office. We have both changed into more comfortable clothes since the show finished an hour ago. I was about to leave when I got shoved in the director office with Karlie to solve our “chemistry” problem has he had so politely called it.“He’s right.” Karlie’s voice takes me out of my thoughts.
I turn to look at her.“Well you avoided me like the plague in the first section.” I say mockingly, and she winces. Good, it’s her fault.“Well but I tried to dance with you in the last section, but you were having none of it” I don’t reply because she’s right. And the director is right too.“We need to fix this.” I sigh. She nods. “Have dinner with me?” I ask. When Karlie just keeps staring at me with surprise I add: “To shake off the awkwardness.? We do have some things that we need to catch up”Karlie smiles. Her smile is pretty, I like it.“Yes of course. That’s a good idea”We end up going to a hush hush bar that I know for a fact that won’t say anything about us since I have been here before. New York is a city I frequent a lot.We sit in the farthest booth, so no one can see us. The waitress doesn’t even blink when she sees us, and we order our food and wine. We are both pretty hungry, so we don’t say really much until our plates are clean.“Look, Taylor,” I look at Karlie expectantly, hoping that she would say what I was expecting her to say.
“I’m really sorry that we lost touch and this time it’s all my fault. I had a crazy year, shoot after shoot, fashion weeks, I got new deals and I swear I got more jobs on this year than in my whole career. Then when I finally got free time, I feel like our relationship was too strained to fix it. And I’m really sorry.”“But do you still want to be friends with me?”Her brow furrows. “Why wouldn’t I?”I look at her directly in the eye very intentionally.“I’m not unaware about what people say about me. And my reputation right now has never been worse, so you hanging out openly with me might not be for the best. I don’t think it will be good publicity for you, they will think you are just like me, they will call you names too, Karlie.
It’s not very smart to be associated with me in this moment and if you don’t want anything to do with me anymore, I’ll understand it. ““What are you talking about?” I’m taken aback for how determinate she looks. “I won’t pass the chance of being your friend just because some tabloids are talking out of their asses. We both know it’s not true anyways. ““It’s not only some tabloids, it’s the general perception of me―”“I don’t care. I like you for being you, and I’m choosing you, the real you, not what people say about you. So trust me when I say I really want to be your friend.”I search her face for any trace of doubt but I only find open honesty. Karlie is not a nobody, she has been a model almost the same time I have been a singer, she does have things to lose, her image can be damaged, and it’s overwhelming how eager she is to put all that aside and just take a leap of faith.I let out a big breath.“I’m very grateful you want to be my friend despite everything. And I accept your apologies Karlie. Hell, I know better than anyone how crazy it can get, but I’m gonna be very clear with you. I want to be your friend, not some casual acquaintance you see every few years, I’m not up for that with you. I really like you and I want to become friends. So, you have to promise me that you are gonna try your best to make this friendship work okay?Karlie observes me very quietly.“Only if you promise you’ll do it too.”I give her a small smile. “I promise”She hands me her pinky and I want to snort because its dumb but it’s also cute. We enlace our pinkies together like if we were twelve.Things feel easier now that we knocked off the elephant in the room. But there’s still some weird vibe in the air and it grows more when we flirt, even if it’s just joking. I’m pretty sure it’s sexual tension but I don’t want to dwell on it.“So, what do you think about the show?” Karlie inquires, after we have talked for a while.“It really looks pretty dreamy. And everyone is so nice. The ones I have talked to the most are Cara, Martha, Behati and Toni.”
I don’t miss the way Karlie´s eyes widen slightly at the mention of Toni. “And you, of course.”“The girls are very supportive, I appreciate that a lot. When I first become an Angel they made me feel like home. It’s great. Cara is kinda crazy but she’s likeable, Martha is the epitome of nice, Behati is pretty funny, and Toni―” Karlie drags out her name, like she doesn’t want to say it, and there is something in there, I know it has to be. “Toni is very charming.” She finishes, finding her glass of wine pretty interesting suddenly.“Yeah she is.” I decide to take a risk and ask her directly. “You two seemed pretty close back there. Are you guys dating?”
Karlie finally looks at me, but her face is emotionless and it’s making me start doubting myself. If Toni is her girlfriend of course I would be jealous of her, she gets to kiss those abs. But honestly, I would prefer that answer over her not dating her, because Karlie being single would be worse since I wouldn’t know if she’s into girls, it doesn’t matter what the director or my gaydar said, I wanted to hear it from her lips.“She’s an ex actually.” She replies shyly, and it takes everything on me to not throw myself at her and kiss her. It seems like there’s a God out there actually.“Cool.” I reply but I can’t hide my big dumb smile.
“What about you?”
I know Karlie is trying to play it nonchalantly, but I can see the interest burning in her eyes. I could play dumb, but I decide not to.“Why do you think I mentioned a NDA to the director?It’s Karlie’s turn to smile.“I always knew It, you know.” Her dumb smile changes into a smug one” Lily wouldn’t tell me directly, she just confused me, giving me half-truths. I would hear whispers here and there. And then I met you and I still had my doubts but yeah today was a confirmation. It’s a wonder how you managed to not pass out on the catwalk.”“I was not THAT obvious,” I scoff between gritted teeth. Why does everyone keep saying that? “and you are just much as obvious, you didn’t even make an effort to cover the fact that you were flirting with me”“You weren’t complaining either.” She shrugs. Then she scrunches her face. “Ah, fuck, we have to sign a NDA now.”“Let our teams handle it.” I´m uncharacteristically calm about sharing my biggest secret right now because Karlie being in the same situation gives me a sense of security that hundreds of contracts will never. “My manager will send you mine.”“Mine will do the same.”
I make a motion with my hands, calling for the waitress and when she comes I ask for the bill. I pay before Karlie can protest.
“My treat.” With that Karlie stands and I do the same. We walk out of the restaurant and get into my SUV.“Where are we going Miss Swift?”I realize that I have no idea. I’m staying on a rented house and I don’t know what Karlie’s address is.“Where do you live?”
“West Village.” Then she gives the address to the driver and the car takes off.I’m telling Karlie about growing up as a horsegirl in wealthy Pennsylvania when she makes fun of me for not having a “fake country accent” anymore when I notice she stops replying.“What?” I say turning to look at her and I catch her looking at my lips. And I would be lying if I say that I didn’t want to kiss her right now.
Karlie looks at my eyes and then at my lips again and yeah, I’m getting the message, so I lean in slowly, only closing my eyes when I see her do it too and I’m so close I can feel her breath against my face and―“Miss Swift we are here.” Karlie and I separate so fast as if we were electrocuted when the driver speaks. Even if we didn’t kiss I can hear Karlie’s fast breathings and my heart feels like its galloping on my chest. Finding my voice, I thank her, and I turn to look at Karlie uncertainly.“See you tomorrow?” Her voice is way too high. I can only nod.“Okay, then.”“Okay.” Is the only thing I manage to reply.Karlie puts her hand on the handle and she’s about to open the door when she seems to think better of it. She leans forward, and she is so close that I can see with detail the tiny moles in her right cheek and oh god she’s going to kiss me, she’s going to fucking kiss me, but to my half disappointment and half relief she just leaves a quick peck in the corner of my mouth, mumbles a rushed bye and jumps off the car.It has me blushing all the way home.
VICTORIA’S SECRETS FASHION SHOW
NOVEMBER 13TH, 2013
Karlie
Today is the day the show is gonna get tapped and it’s more chaos than yesterday. I look like a butterfly for the first section; British Invasion, and my cape is so large a guy has to follow me around to carry it. But today its my day and I feel so in my element. I see Taylor getting ready too since she’s gonna open the show with Fall Out Boy and I’ll be walking with her in a few more minutes and I can’t help but grin at how much of a dork she looks in that dress. It even has a hat!She catches me staring, and I smirk approaching her.“You really took the British Invasion way too far huh?”
“Says the butterfly with shiny abs.”“So you think my abs are shiny?”“Of course I do. They probably rubbed you with coconut butter.” There’s confidence in her voice but her neck is a light pink and I smile pleased.“You are absolutely right.”We both laugh, and I realize that while it’s not awkward anymore, it has shifted. Like we are now in the I-want-to-jump-your-bones-right-now phase.“I’m actually very excited about this you know? Like this is my favorite part of the year, because this is the only show that we get to interact with performers and it’s more fun this way.” I move my hands a lot because I can’t still help feel a little shy around Taylor and gesturing with my hands makes me feel more comfortable. Taylor is fidgeting with her necklace too.
“Don’t get me wrong I love all the fashion weeks but the buzz that comes along with this is something that I enjoy a lot. Also, I think you look very cute”The last words kinda of slip out of my mouth because I’m babbling, and Taylor fingers stop moving while she tilts her side slightly to the right in a flustered; “Thank you.”Ugh, I so want to kiss her right now. Instead I force myself to keep talking.“Yeah, yeah” More movement with my hands “and let’s hope we can get it right this time. Or then the director will have our heads.”
Taylor chuckles, then asks, “Do you trust me?”“Is this a trick question?”“Jerk.” she shoves me playfully. Then her expression softens, and she gives me a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. I think we are going to kill it.”
We indeed did kill it. Just when I’m making my entrance, Taylor is the closer to me, so I grab her hand and she gives me a soft squeeze while we share a look and although it couldn’t be more than a second it felt intimate.
I keep walking, point to the crowd and blow them a kiss.“Well, good evening New York City and welcome to the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.” Taylor’s sultry voice reach my ears just when I’m on the center, hands on my hips, and I can’t help but smile wide at the sound of her.
“My name is Taylor,” gosh she’s such a dork.
Of course that everyone here knows that already. “this are my friends Patrick, Pete, Andy and Joe, and they are Fall Out Boy. And this are the two thousand thirteen Victoria Secrets Angels.” I pass Taylor when I’m about to leave, and she gives me a brief smile before keeping on singing, and I admire fascinated the rest of her performance from the screens backstage until my stylists come back to change me.I don’t see her again ‘till the last section while we are getting ready. Her outfit is now a sparkly silver dress that goes above her knees with equal silver high heels, and holy shit, those legs. Taylor could very well pass as a model. She hasn’t noticed me staring, fixing her earpiece and feeling super confident today as it is my day, I decide to show off a little.
Joan is a few steps away from me, so I point to her and close the distance dancing to the rhythm of Miley Cyrus and French Montana’s ‘FU’, very aware that Taylor is watching, so I swing more my hips for emphasis, making my whole body vibrate and I can feel her eyes burning holes through the back of my head. Or my ass. She’s definitely checking me out and I can’t help but feel smug. Joan plays along with me but the stylists require her attention again, so I step back off a little and I turn around to find Behati, right beside Taylor.“You are so sparkly!” Behati exclaims, touching my shoulder. I laugh and exclaim a muffled “thanks” and I turn into Joan’s direction, still doing a little dance, only to feel Taylor looking at my ass the moment I do it. Oh boy. I decide is enough and I turn to Taylor again, her trying to pretend she wasn’t checking me out with her hand still fuzzing on her earpiece.“How amazing is this?” I point to the screen broadcasting the catwalk that is now adorned for the last segments; snow angels.“What?” Taylor looks kinda of fazed.“The catwalk.” I repeat pointing again at the screen.“Oh yes, it looks nice” She does a gesture with her free hand. Then turns to check my bodysuit.
“I like it. Behati its right, it’s so sparkly, I love sparkly things. The little details,” she puts a hand on my shoulder, touching the things that are supposed to resemble ice. I try not to shiver, “are so pretty. You look gorgeous.”
My heart does a little flip. “Yes, I like it too. And I could tell given how shiny your dress is.” She laughs at that. “We are kinda matching don’t ya think? Me with the sparkly bodysuit and you with the sparky dress.”Taylor nods. “Yes, we do a good match.” She winks and disappears into the catwalk, her performance about to start.
The runaway floor is sparkly too, and they are throwing these little things in the air that resemble snow. When it’s my turn to hop into the runaway, just after Behati, I pat her ass when I pass her because well I have to get game, and I point at her and Taylor does the same, smiling at me, and our hands almost touch. God, how I love my job right now. I strike a pose and throw a look to the audience, doing what I do best and on my way back I do this cute little dance with her that Taylor plays along to. So much for chemistry, yeah. Even though I have to keep a serious face till I disappear backstage I have a big smile in my eyes and before I go I extend my arms, following the beat of I Knew You Were Trouble.I only have to wait another two minutes until the performance is finished, and since it’s the last section, therefore the end of the show, we have to walk back in to the catwalk to celebrate the end, so I intertwine my hand with Behati and we walk together as the host says it’s over. When we get to the front again, we do dumb dances for a bit and then we walk back and congregate at the beginning of the runaway. Taylor is there again, and I find myself right behind her, admiring the view that it is her long legs. We keep dancing until the show is finally over and I walk a few steps, intending to go backstage but then I remember Taylor and I turn to look at her at the same time she does it too.
We lock gazes for a second before she’s stretching her arms, beaming, and closing the distance between us.“We did it Karlie, we did it!” She hugs me tight, and there’s a big smile on my face. Taylor’s excitement could rival a kid’s. “That was SO much fun. I want to do it again!”“Easy there tiger.” I back off and she lets me go. “You were amazing. This is the third time I have done this show and you have become my top one performer.”Taylor beams more.“Well you are my favorite Angel.” My heart does a little flip. Then she scrunches her nose. “Ow, fuck, don’t tell Lily that.”I fake a gasp. “Did I just hear America’s sweetheart swear?”“I’m not their sweetheart anymore. More like America’s slut.” She snorts bitterly and there’s so much more there to unwrap, and I know what she is talking about but I also don´t and I want to take back my words, ask her gently about it but before I can do any of that I’m ushered by the tech people to go backstage to take the final pic, while Taylor remains a little behind, entering backstage only a few seconds later than I did.I end up next to Alessandra, Russel is about to take the pic and Taylor is standing close by when the models start screaming her name, wanting her to join us. Hell yes, I get too excited thinking that there will be a picture with me and Taylor on it, capturing this event. It’s going to be a nice reminder.“Can I join?” Taylor asks surprised. Little does she know half of the Angles want to take her to bed. She’s looking at the photographer’s way, so I take the chance to sneak a glance her way. She looks stunning and if it weren’t for all the other people I would have pinned her to the wall already, kissing her until I couldn’t breathe, and for the way she was looking at me earlier I don’t think she will complain.
“Come on Taylor. Yes. Who can say no to Taylor Swift?” Russel says exasperated and he’s very right, I wouldn’t say no to Taylor Swift either if she’d ask me to bend me over.
They take the pic, Taylor only two persons away from me and I insist to Russel that I want copies delivered to my house. After the chaos is over I make Cara take a picture of Taylor and me. I want a photo of just us, so I let my hand linger slightly over her waist, the other on my hip and I smile big, while Taylor rests her hand against my lower back, her mouth doing a closed smile. Cara takes a few more pics and then we go to the after party to celebrate the finished show, because of course it has to be a party and it’s New York City anyways. There’s always a party going on.
VICTORIA’S SECRETS AFTER PARTY
November 13th
2013
Taylor.
I can’t help but feel overdressed as I see what everyone is wearing, and I look down on myself for the third time that night to see my floral print dress and I feel like the high cut on my dress that closes around my neck is choking me. Mostly everyone is showing at least a bit of cleavage, some letting nothing to the imagination and I don’t know if to feel on heaven because boobs or like I don’t fit in since I’m too covered for the ambient. My dress even has long sleeves for fuck’s sake.We are in a fancy restaurant/night club called Tao Downton and I sip on my Martini, mindful that I have to take a flight to London in a couple of more hours. I look to my left and Lily gives me a reassuring smile and I feel more at ease watching her dress that it also covers much of her body as well. The waitress places our food in front of me and I try not to think in the fact that Karlie is seated across me, Toni besides her, but it’s hard to focus on my Chutoro Tataki when their laughs can be heard even over the restaurant’s hustle. They are ...weird. If I hadn’t asked the girl about it I would still think they are a couple because they surely act as one, being all clingy on the pink carpet and I heard Toni call Karlie ´wifey´ a couple of timesAnd then there’s Karlie’s fucking dress.I have tried so hard to not ogle Karlie all night because her dress has a cut just across her chest that lets me see a portion of each of her breasts and the fact that I had always had a soft spot for them it’s not helping calm the quick beating of my heart. Emily used to say that I was a boob girl, and damn, she wasn’t wrong if the twitch on my fingers every time I do as much as to sneak a glance in Karlie´s way is anything to go by.
“So, you are really moving out of the condo? I’m gonna miss you.” It’s only when Lily calls me that I force myself to drag my eyes away of Karlie´s wonderful chest.“Yes, I’m going to London right after this over.”Lily pouts and I mirror her expression because it’s going to be hard living without the girl just a few feet away. I've got used to it. We talk for the next twenty minutes about that and then when we finish our food we go to the dance floor where ‘Dancing On My Own’
by Robyn plays through the speakers and I dance with her and other bunch of Angels for the better part of an hour, making sure to avoid Karlie as best as I can because I know if I go near her I won’t be able to look at her face and form a coherent thought when she has that dress on.My plan is going just fine until I decide to go back to my now empty table, my feet demanding to sit down and I have just make it into the chair when I hear someone plop down beside me.
And of course, it’s Karlie. Fucking shit.“Isn’t it funny that we are seated on the same table and yet I have barely seen you all night?”I force myself to chuckle.“There’s a lot of people.” I don’t even turn and instead I focus my glance on my empty glass. Maybe she’ll just leave.“Well, we are together now.” Karlie doesn’t seem to have any intentions on leaving so I sigh internally and very slowly I turn to face her. Look at her face not her chest, look at her face not her chest, I repeat like a mantra on my head but when I finally look at her, my eyes betray me, and they wander instantly to her breasts. I return them to her face as quickly but it’s too late already; even though the lights are dimed and her face reflects the shadows of the lights, her smug smile is hard to miss.“That’s a nice dress” I say quickly, flushed by being caught, as if that would excuse why I was looking at her boobs.“It is.” Karlie’s smug smile grows and my discomfort does too. “I like the attention it brings.”“Everyone is wearing interesting dresses-”That makes her laugh.“Yeah, we agreed on letting our bras home for the afterparty,”Well, that explains a lot.“I like your dress too.”
Karlie reaches to my touch my covered arm.
“You look cute.”“Mhmmm. Cute it isn’t how I intended to look in party full of models though.”“Don’t be so grumpy.” She gives me a teasing swat on my arm. I notice that she’s giving me her full attention, her eyes focused on my face and I decide it’s a good moment to ask her what has been on my mind for the last two days. Who knows when I’ll see her again?“Do you always do that?”Her brow furrows. “Do what?”“Back at the show, I saw you getting ready and right before you were to go into the catwalk I noticed that you were kissing some models.”“Oh.” She’s back to smiling again. “I wouldn’t call it kissing. It’s just a peck, we do it for good luck.”I’m fazed, I have been working in the industry for a couple of years and I have never heard about it.
“Really?”“Yeah, it’s a model thing.” I rarely feel regrets about my career’s choice, but this is one of the moments when I’m wishing I had picked the Fashion Industry instead.“So do you always do it?”“Most of the times, yes. It’s not only when we are working, with some friends It has become a habit. I give Cara pecks all the time.”“So, do I get a peck?” The alcohol I have been drinking all night makes me bolder and I’m joking but Karlie seems to think otherwise. She pursues her lips, thoughtful.“Mhm you are not a model.”I put a hand on my heart faking offence.“I thought I was one today.”She smiles. “Well you can certainly blend in”Her face leans closer to mine, and I’m suddenly hyper aware of her hand in my arm, her touch burning me."So do I get a peck?" I repeat. She doesn’t reply and and next thing I know is warm lips pressed against mine , her grip on my arm tightening and before I can form a coherent thought, she pulls away."That was fast." My body already aches for her warm.Karlie giggles. "Pecks are supposed to be swift, Taylor." I cringe. " Please don’t ever make a pun like that again."
"You just don’t have sense of humor""My sense of humor is just fine. And I think we should stick with kisses on the checks."
I tell myself is because of the risk of getting caught by someone if we do this often, the last thing I need is a picture of me kissing a girl plastered everywhere, and while that is true I also decide to ignore the sensation that I wanted more of her lips.
"Alright." She smiles innocently. A waitress comes to ask if we need anything and we order her more drinks. With the ease of alcohol, we fall into an easy conversation, consisting mostly of me doing bad jokes and Karlie giggling while the drinks just keep on flowing. Then Lily comes to our table and drags us to a group that is conformed by Cara, Toni, Martha and Behati and we talk some more. Then dance, then to talking again. It’s nearly 4AM when the party is officially over and I have broken my promise to myself to stay sober, since I can feel a little inebriated."Taylor are you drunk? " Lily asks when I won’t let go of her arm. People are filling out the restaurant and we are walking towards the exit, Karlie and the other girls behind us. "Just a little bit." I mumble, burring my face on her neck."Dumbass, it’s not good to be hungover while looking for a new home." I ignore her until we finally make it outside and we exchange our goodbyes with the other girls.
"Don’t forget our pact Taylor " Karlie hugs me last, doubling over herself and God I can feel her bare breasts rubbing into mine, this is what heaven must feel like."I won’t" I reply, giving her a loud kiss on the check and I don’t let go until she pulls away. I watch her go with the other girls, my lipstick marked on her check.“You okay?” Lily is watching me curiously.My feet ache, my heart feels like is thudding on my ears, my eyes are glassy, I’m starting to get dizzy and yet there’s something so refreshing coursing through my veins, a renewed energy that makes me want to run a mile right now, makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs, makes me want to write one hundred songs about things I don’t know yet. It’s the start of something new, of something beautiful. I smile.“Never been better.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
LONDON
NOVEMBER 14th 2013
Taylor,
“This house is very nice, sweetie.” My mom says after returning from the backyard with the real estate agent and I can only hum on reply, adjusting my sunglasses. I'm hungover, jetlagged, tired from yesterday and a little bit irritable. That’s not a good mood to be in while looking for my potential future home, but my schedule is so tight with the Red Tour and I had this date reserved for months now and since I’m leaving for my Oceania leg in two weeks I couldn’t reschedule, so now I’m stuck here pretending to pay attention at whatever the agent is saying while my brain is still doing short-circuit for the sudden change on time zones.“Why don’t we take another walk outside the house while Taylor checks the inside?” I want to hug my dad so bad for giving me an out while he leads my mom and the agent out of the house again, and when he looks over his shoulder I mouth a ‘thank you’ and he winks before leaving. I love him so much.Once I’m alone I plop myself into the fluffy couch and look at the fake fireplace making crackling sounds as the fake wood gets burned. The rug beneath my feet feels like if you could sleep there. The house indeed is very homey and breathtaking but all I want to do is sleep but knowing my mom she will make me check the ten bedrooms at least three times before we go and I groan just wanting to be over with this day. I check the time on my phone and the ‘18:02’ only makes me groan louder. I stare at the lock screen as if that was gonna make the time pass faster when something pops up on my screen just as the clock turns to 18:03.
Incoming Call
Korlie Kloss
I frown at the registered name.
I don’t recall changing it, so this must be her doing. I press the green button in the next ring.“Hello?” I greet.
“Why did you change your name on my phone? I don’t say your name like that-”Karlie chuckles and I’m suddenly wide awake. “Maybe not sober you, but your drunk version totally did. You were all over me last night.”I laugh.“I have a reputation of being a clingy drunk.” I tease.“Yeah, I found out yesterday. Anyways I was just wondering if you’d like to hang out at my place today. Maybe another bake date?”“Ohhh, that sounds great.” I hear her excited squeal and I feel guilty for what I’m about to say next, “but I’m currently in London.”“What?” Her voice is pure confusion. “When do you even got there?”“One hour after I left the party I was on the jet already. I took a late night flight.““Late night? It was almost 4:AM!”“Yup and I only got to sleep a little bit on the jet. I can’t wait to get into my bed tonight.”“I don’t think flying while drunk is very safe.”“Gosh, you sound like my mother.” Karlie makes an offended sound. “And I wasn’t that drunk. I only had like four drinks.”“Taylor you drank way more than that.”“I didn’t know we were counting.”
Karlie ignores me. “What are you doing in London anyways?”“I’m looking for houses.”“Houses for what?” her reply comes too quickly.I giggle. “To live in, dummy. ““You are moving to London?!” Her voice sounds horrified and I fail to understand why.“Ehh, probably. I’m going to look for more houses the next few days.”“What’s wrong with Nashville? I thought you liked there.”“I do like it there. But my mom lives there too y’know? I want more independency.”“But you don’t need to go overseas for independency!”I frown. Something is going on. “Why are you so worked up over this?”There’s a pause before Karlie replies with a depreciative, “London is ugly.”I blink, dumbfounded. “What?!”“London is ugly.” Her voice is pure determination. “It has shitty weather, it’s always raining, it’s gonna make you sad. Not to mention you will always have to fly between continents―”“I have a jet,” I say but it falls on deaf ears.“―and real estate and taxes are so expensive there. It’s not recommendable to live there.”I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “Oh, and how would you know that? You don’t have any property here.”“It’s widely known, Taylor.” The way she says it with such confidence has me laughing.“Sorry but I don’t think you can make me change my mind.” I see my parents and the agent about to get in the house again. “I have to go, call me later ‘kay? It was good talking to you.”“Okay, ‘bye. Call me when you are back on the States. “She ends the call and I look up to find my dad eyeing me curiously.
“What?”“Who were you talking to? You were grumpy when we left and now you are all goofy.”“I wasn’t grumpy. And it was Karlie. She’s a new friend.”My parents exchange a look.“What?” I repeat irritated.“Nothing sweetheart.” This time my mom speaks and there’s a smirk on her face. Oh, no. “But I think we will be hearing a lot about this Karlie.”“Of course you will be, she’s a friend.” I roll my eyes but I can’t stop smiling so I turn my attention to the agent. “Let’s look at the bedrooms.”
NOPE NOT HAPPENING
November 21th
2013
Taylor.
“You still moving to London?”
It’s the first thing that greets me when I step inside her West Village home.“Hello to you too. My reply is the same as last week, yes.”“Still making bad choices, I see. You’ll regret it when you move in but it will be too late, then.”I roll my eyes.“Karlie, I’m here for lunch with a friend. Not for a real state meeting.”“Okay, smartass. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”We make our way to the dining room, the food already set up, and sit down.“I don’t get why you hate London anyways.” I say, halfway through my brussels.She frowns.“Didn’t you see the articles that I sent to you?” I snort. Since I told her I would be moving to London she has been invading my phone daily with links to articles that say something like; ‘why London is the worst to live in’ or ‘20 reason why you shouldn’t move to London’.“I saw them. I stopped reading after the third.” Karlie looks unpleased but she still manages to shrug but I’m not buying her nonchalant act. “Some things are just ugly.”I almost spite my food. “You can’t be serious.”“I am.”“Ugly or not, I’m still moving.”“Nope, not happening.” Karlie shakes her head.“Excuse me?” I’m fazed, Karlie has been acting so weird about the whole London thing.“I said not happening. I won’t allow it.”“Thank God I don’t need your approve to buy a new house.” I scoff, angry. What started as a lighthearted joke was starting to get on my nerves now.“Taylor is not like that―”“Then how it is?” I spat. “Every time since I told you I’m moving you have been acting like it’s your decision to make, and it’s not. I don’t know why it affects you so much.”“I’m scared.”“What?” I’m taken aback.
My voice softens, “Scared of what?”“I―” Karlie shallows, and I can feel her struggle to get the words out of her mouth. “Look, it’s already hard as it is, with you living in Nashville, and me here, your tour, my job. We have made it work for now with our crazy schedules If you move out of the country, even with your jet, it won’t be the same. Every time we will want to hang out you will have to take an eight hour flight. And you’ll be jetlagged by the time you get here. So now, you living in another continent plus our busy schedules, is gonna make a strain in us, we will barely see each other and you can’t deny that. I fear for our friendship.”Her words are like a slap to my face. I feel like an idiot for snapping at her earlier, never would have occurred to me that she was having that kind of thoughts.“I think I understand your point.” I cover her hand with mine, across the table, hoping to be reassuring. “I don’t want to lose our friendship too.” I don’t want to lose you, it’s the message that goes unsaid.“Then don’t move out. Please.” Her eyes are big and sad, her voice is pleading.“I still want to get out of Nashville, Karlie.” I squeeze her hand. “Moving out of Nashville it’s not something that it’s up for discussion, my music is evolving, searching for a new sound, and getting out of Tennessee is the first step to cut roots with country and start in the pop scene. We have talked about this.”“Then get out, but don’t move out of the country. There’s a lot of beautiful places here. Why London anyways? What does make it so especial?Hazel eyes and blonde hair come to haunt me. I haven’t even told Karlie about Dianna. It’s not something I’m eager to share.“I just like the city.” I lie. There’s no way I’m going to tell her that moving to London it’s my last chance with Dianna, my way of not losing her completely. “Besides, what other place do you suggest?”“Here.” Her reply comes fast and sharp and it has me blinking in surprise.“Here?”“Just think about it,” She pulls her hand away, her face set with determination. “What’s more pop than New York city? There’s a lot of studios here, almost every big event is here and there’s a lot of paparazzi. You’ll get effortless publicity. There’s a lot of cool places you can hang out, clubs, restaurants, there’s always a party going on! I think you´ll like it.” She takes a deep breath, “And most impourtanth, me.”“You?” I ask uncertain.“Yes, me. We could hang out every day! Distance wouldn’t be a problem anymore.
I think it would be great. So even if we are busy as fuck, living in the same city would make the difference.”Karlie looks hopeful, the eagerness displaying on her face. I don’t want to disappoint her.“I don’t know.” I say with a shaky breath.She doesn’t even blink. If nothing, she seems more convinced than ever.“I’m not asking you to decide now. But please tell me you’ll consider it.”London represents a sad but intense music that talks about an epic love, a heartbreak, something that could have been wonderful but it wasn’t, all in burning red. While New York was the promise of a new soundtrack, a new beat, about bright lights, an undiscovered sound, all in golden. I take a decision.“I’ll think about it.”Karlie smiles so wide, her whole face lighting up, and for the first time it occurs to me that when she smiles like that she resembles a sunshine.
I MET SOMEONE NEW
November 27th2013
Taylor.
Her London house hasn’t changed anything since the last time I was here. It’s easier to look at the coffee table, a copy of Alice in Wonderland that I gifted her sits on it, than her face. Especially when I haven’t seen her since September.She’s talking about her last trip to France, her eyes lighting up, halfway through a cup of tea. I have one too, wrapped around my hands, untasted and already cold.“Dianna.” I call out softly, but it feels like a desperate cry in the empty silence of her house.“What is it?” Her eyes narrow. She has always been good at reading me.I take a deep breath. I’m not prepared for what is gonna happen next.“I can’t do this anymore.”Dianna freezes but her shoulders slump in resignation, like if she knew this was coming. Deep down I knew this was coming too. She sets her cup on the coffee table, and then takes her sweet time unwrapping my fingers around my cup, then puts hers on the table too. I don’t even realize my hands are shaking until she covers them with hers.“I can’t keep pretending to be your friend like if nothing happened. We have a big story behind ourselves and that’s not just something I can overlook and move past it. I just can’t. It hurts to even look at you but to pretend that we can ever be fine? That is going to destroy me.”“It was your idea to be friends.” I can see the tears already accumulating in her eyes, wanting to be freed. Every word is like a blow to my heart. I hold onto her hands tighter.“Yes, it was.” I take a shaky breath. “But I think we can both agree that I don’t always have the best ideas.”Dianna laughs, it’s bitter and humorless.
“Yes, you don’t.”The tears are running now on her checks. She clings to my hands for dear life, and now we are both shaking. “I knew it wasn’t going to work. But still, I wanted to believe that we could just brush it off. I was foolish, but I would have taken any chance if it meant not losing you.” Her voice breaks in a sob. It cuts the air between us like a sharp knife and I feel like my heart is being smashed. “I don’t want to lose you.”“You should have thought about that before.” I’m not even angry, I spent so much time being mad at her that the only thing remaining now is a deep feeling of sorrow, of giving up something that I know I can’t never have back. “You know you would have been the one right? If you were a better woman.” I’m fully on crying now too, my voice shaky and out of breath.“But I’m not.” Dianna says, and the sadness mixed with regret in her hazel eyes makes me want to take it all back. But I don’t because I know things won’t change, it would be like falling in the same vicious circle all over again. So I hold onto my pride instead.I take a hand out of our embrace and rub her left check.
“And that’s okay now. But you’ll have to understand that we can’t keep faking it and act like everything is fine. We didn’t work as lovers, much less as friends.”She breaks into sobbing and I hold her, her small figure crumpling beneath me as if she was made of paper.“I don’t want to lose you.” She repeats, burring her face in my chest. Her tears are dampening my shirt, and I feel like if I’m about to fall off a cliff but I stay firm and don’t say nothing. “I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want to lose you, I don’t’ want to lose you.”She’s begging now, each one more desperate than the other and only when she has repeated it for the thirteenth time I allow myself to reply. “I don’t want to lose you too.”That makes us both cry harder, me rocking her back and Dianna clinging to my shirt as if it were her oxygen. I don’t know how much time has passed when she finally turns to look at me, her eyes red but dry, the sky dark now.“So this is it then?”I can only nod.“Will I ever see you again?”“I don’t want us to act like strangers, Dianna. You can still reach me.”“But there will be a reply?”“I don’t―I don’t know.” It’s the true, and even when her eyes become wet again, she accepts it, not saying anything else.I stand, I have nothing else to say, and she takes the cue and makes the same.“I’ll walk you to the door.”Once we are there, she fumbles with her coat and I know she wants to say something. I have always been taller than her for a few inches, but now she looks smaller than ever, her eyes puffed, her hair frizzled, she looks like she wants to wrap over herself. There’s pure heartbreak in her face, and it reminds me of the time I rejected her proposal. I guess I don’t look much better.“Can I kiss you?” Her voice is uncertain and she’s begging me with her eyes. Of course I can’t refuse, this is our ending. I lean in instead of replying, feeling her lips and so we kiss like two persons that know that they will never kiss again, it’s desperate, hungry, wild, like a fire trying to grasp to its last flames. The taste of salt is in our lips and I can’t tell who’s crying more. It’s the most devasting kiss I have had in my whole life and probably the saddest I will ever have.“So I guess you are not moving to London, then,” she gasps after we pull away. I know she doesn’t want me to go, I can see it in her expression.“No.”“Is the upcoming album about me?”‘Who else would it be?’ I want to say but instead; “Some songs. I would like to hear what you think about them, once the album is out.”“I’ll let you know.”Dianna grabs the knob but doesn’t move it.“You met someone else.” It´s not a question, her swollen lips set in a firm line.“I met someone new.” It’s all the confirmation she needs. She gives me a sharp nod and pushes the door open. I don’t move.“I gave you my best and we both know you can’t say that.” It’s the last words I want to say to her. I want to go with her knowing that I tried my hardest, want to leave her wondering what we would have become, what we could have been. Because I will surely do.“I know.” She smiles weakly. It’s one of the most infuriating things about Dianna, she would acknowledge her mistakes but won’t do anything to change them. A year ago it would have made me want to scream, but now, now it just makes me sad.“You deserve to be happy.” I say directly from my heart. Her smile widens a little, and I can see her earnestness.“You too.”I take a step out.“I don’t want to lose you.” Dianna grabs my arm, impeding me from taking another step. This is her last shoot.“Dianna.” I call out softly and I grab her face, so she turns to look at me. “I won’t make promises that I can’t keep.”She collapses into my arms and I hold her again. I feel like I have cried more today that in my whole life. When she finally calms down twenty minutes later, I put my hands on her checks.
She rises her chin towards me, her eyes expectant.But I don’t kiss her.
“You will always have a part of my heart.” I tighten my grip. “Always.” I kiss her forehead, and then step out of her grasp. I go, and this time, she lets me.I slid into my SUV, a rain has just started, the soft taps resound against my ears as the car takes off to the airport.I take my phone out and dial a number, forcing myself to calm down.“Hi.” The voice of my personal assistant fills my ears. “What can I do for you?”I take a big breath before replying, not wanting to sound shaky. “I’m gonna need you to look for Manhattan’s properties.”
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA
December 13th 2013
Taylor.
“GARDEN PAAARTY!” I scream and all my friends cheer me. I love my birthdays, I really do, it gives me an excuse to get faded and I receive a lot of gifts. December thirteen is holy for me as it should be.I grab Ella by the shoulders and I look her dead in the eye. “Ella, promise me you won’t let me get drunk. Tomorrow I have a concert and I can’t disappoint my Australian fans by giving them a bad show. They deserve better.”Ella gives me a puzzled look. “What the fuck are you talking about? You are already high as fuck.”I giggle. “That was Ed’s gift because he couldn’t make it here. But there’s not hungover for smoking weed, I’ll be fine tomorrow. But if I get hard ass drunk I might not be able to make it out of bed ““You are so weird.” She says frowning, in that funny New Zealand accent of hers and I bury my face in her curls. “Also, I’m only seventeen, I shouldn’t be left with that responsibility.”I raise my face from her curls to bop her nose. “More like a sixty year old stuck in a teenage body,” she scrunches her nose and I can’t contain myself from peppering her face with kisses.“Taylor, stop.” I don’t, and she starts laughing.“You are too cute.” I say as I press a final kiss on her temple.“And you are too clingy, my god. “I grab her by the shoulder again and bring her closer, feeling a suddenly rush of affection for the girl.“I’m gonna adopt you as my kid. I don’t really look forwards to having kids because they are smelly and loud but I’m gonna make an exception for you and I’m gonna protect you and teach you things and buy you everything you want.”Ella looks at me as If I grew another head.“Taylor, our PR teams set us up.”I hum. “Yeah, I’m gonna post pics tomorrow of us and those are gonna give us all publicity. But come on, I really like you kid. And I now you like me too, you were laughing yesterday in our dinner at my bad jokes.”“Maybe it was fake laughing.”“Whatever,” I scoff. “You still like me”“Yeah, we’ll get along. “I smile satisficed at the reply. Then a sound startles me.“Taylor your ass is vibrating.”
Paul screams and I flip him off, searching for my phone.I answer without looking and Ella untangles herself from me.“Helloooo?”“Hi, Taylor!” It’s Karlie, with her usual chirpy voice.“Korlie, hi! It´s my birthday”She laughs. “Yes, I know, that’s why I’m calling. Happy birthday Tay.”“Thank you! I wish you were here, I’m having a garden party and it’s SICK!” I actually invited Karlie to my birthday when I got back from London and we hung out on NYC almost every day until I had to go back to Nashville and then Australia. But Karlie couldn’t make it even when I offered my jet because she was going to be busy filming a video for a commercial on my birthday.“I wish I was there too, maybe next year? Ohhh, and I have your gift here when you come back.”“YOU BOUGTH ME A GIFT?” I’m so excited and Ella flinches.Karlie is on fully laughing now.“Yup. It’s waiting for you when you come back at the States.”“That’s gonna be long.” I whine. I still have a few more concerts before I get a break.
“Well that way you will have something to look forward to.”“’s not fair.”“Are you drunk?”“Nope, I can’t get drunk, I have a show tomorrow. I’m just a little bit high but Ella is taking care of me, right Ella?”She ignores me and Karlie laughs a bit more. “Who’s Ella?”“You might know her as Lorde.” I’m whispering now as if it were a secret.
That piques Ella’s attention.“Who’s that?”“Karlie Kloss.”“The model?” I nod. Her face cracks into a smile. “Tell her I say hi.”“She says hi Karlie.”“And I say hi too. I love her song royals”“She loves your song royals.” Ella’s face lits up.I hear some muffed voice in the background and Karlie sighs.“I have to go, they want to re-do a scene. I’ll talk to you later. Love you.” Then she hangs up and I freeze, shocked, my lips forming a lazy smile when I process her words.“What has you smiling like a pyscho?” Ella inquires. My smile only grows bigger.“Karlie said she loves me. It was the first time she said it.”She snorts.
“You are acting as if someone has never said it to you before,” I stuck my tongue out at her.“The cake has arrived!” Someone inside the house screams and I rush to the door eager to taste it.
ANDREA’S BIRTHDAY
JANUARY 10th 2014
Taylor.
“You could make it to my mom’s birthday but not mine, I’m offended.” I poke at Karlie’s side and she laughs. The party is over by now, only Karlie, Abby and I reminiscing in the living room of my mom’s house. Even Austin went to bed already, but to be fair its 2:00 am already and he didn’t want to stay to see the shitty horror movie we are about to watch.“What can I say? She’s the better Swift.”“She’s not even a Swift anymore, my parents divorced a while ago. She uses her maid name, Finlay.”Karlie is horrified. “Why you didn’t mention that earlier? I called her Mrs. Swift! She probably hates me now.”“Don’t be dramatic. She likes you.”“She did seem wary of me though” She isn’t convinced yet.“She’s wary of all my friends at first”“Especially friends that her daughter had just met and now is inviting to super personal things.” Abby chimes in and I send her daggers with my eyes. She ignores me and keeps chewing on the popcorns.“Oh, so I’m intruding.” Karlie looks mortified by now and I curse the redhead under my breath. It had been hard to get Karlie to come to my mom’s birthday because she thought it was too personal and didn’t want to over step, and it took me one hour to convince her that she was being silly but now I realize she still feels insecure about the whole thing.“Hey none of that. She was indeed wary of you but when you showed her the cake you made for her, she forgot about it. She kept gloating to me about how good baker you are. And she likes to be called Mama Swift anyways, because of me.” I smirk. “My last name holds some weight, you know.”Karlie curls up on my side, and I can feel her more relaxed. “I have noticed it. And Finlay is such a nice last name by the way.”
“The movie is ready.” Abby says as she stops fumbling with the DVD and plumps on the other corner of the couch, next to Karlie.We fall into a comfortable silence, Abby chumping on her pop corns and the movie the only sound that invades us. Somehow in the past 30 minutes Karlie has buried her head on my shoulder and my finger is running through her auburn hairs. I don’t question it.“Are you still planning to move to London?” It takes me a few seconds to register her question and I take my eyes off the screen to focus them on Karlie instead.“No.”Karlie squeals, she raises her head off my shoulder, her eyes lit with delight, her face starting to form that sunshine-y smile.“I knew you were gonna take the right choice.” She squeals again and hugs me. It’s kinda awkward since we are both sitting. “I’m so happy.” She hugs me tighter. “So, so, so happy. You don’t have idea.”I’m overwhelmed by her reaction. She pulls away after a few seconds. “What made you change your mind?”I freeze but I manage to school my expression, so I don’t give anything away. “I wasn’t feeling London anymore.” I’m not about to get into details. I allow myself a small smile. “And you.”“Me?” Her smile grows bigger. I bop her nose.“Yes, you.” My expression grows serious. “I thought about what you said and I―I was looking for NYC homes two days ago.”Karlie screams. She actually lets a high pitched sound that makes me wince and launches herself into my arms. She’s almost sitting on my lap and I try not to think much about it.“We are gonna hang out every day and I’m gonna show you around and it’s gonna be SO much fun.” She pulls away, but she lets her arm draped on my shoulder, her hand hovering over my forearm, and I cover it with mine, giving it a soft squeeze.
I smile.“I hope so.”
Karlie beams. “And we can―” some popcorn flying in her way interrupts her.“Stop flirting. Unlike you, I’m trying to see the movie.” Abby’s grumpy voice bursts our bubble. Karlie and I blush.
“We weren’t flirting.” I say, but even I sound unsure.“Whatever.” She throws us more popcorn and then she gives me a devil grin and looks at Karlie. Oh no. “Oh, and she was reading some of your magazines.”“I was not!” I cry, my face setting on fire. So what if I read some magazines where Karlie happened to be featured in the cover? She was a gorgeous girl, I love watching gorgeous girls.Karlie rises her eyebrows, her blush fading now. I turn my attention to the move again. “Let’s keep watching.”Neither of them says anything else, but I can feel Karlie’s smirk for the rest of the movie.
CLEAN
FEBRUARY
3rd 2014
Taylor.
I’m preparing for my show tomorrow, doing vocal warm ups. It’s quite funny actually, because is my third show in London in the same arena. My team said two dates in an arena was better since we didn’t know if it would sell out. And then it did, and the demand was so high that I had to do three shows more, all of them within days of each other.When I finally stop rehearsing I high five my dancers and go to my dressing room backstage to get rid of my sweaty clothes and finally head to the hotel where I’m staying, only to find Erika and Paula chatting in the couch when I open the door.“Hey.” I greet. It’s not unusual to have them here, Erika is my tour manager and Paula needs to keep me in check about my schedule.“Taylor, we need to review some things.” Paula says. Erika hands me a water bottle and I thank her, taking a big gulp before replying, “Let me change first.”When I’m finally wearing dry clothes, I grab a chair and sit in front of them.
I put on my business face and say, “So what do we need to check?”When we finally review everything, ―the Asian leg of the tour, events, galas, awards shows― an hour has passed and my back is screaming in pain. I’m exhausted.“So except the show you have in Germany in four days, you have a clear schedule until February tenth, where you will be doing another two shows here.” Paula checks her phone again.I curse under my breath. “We should have just gone with the fucking stadium. We would have been over in two nights.”Paula and Erika exchange a look.“What?”“I thought you would be looking forward to spend time here.” Paula keeps looking at me as if I grew two heads, Erika too, and I can’t tell why. It’s starting to stress me out.“I mean yeah the city is pretty and everything, but you two know I’m not moving here anymore so I have lost that extra interest.”“That was a good decision you took. I’m glad you didn’t move here.”I look at Paula blankly. “God, you are starting to sound like Karlie.”“Who’s Karlie?” Erika looks lost.Before I can reply, Paula beats me to it. “Her new fling.”I start to grow angry. My publicist is unbearable. “She’s not my new fling. She’s a friend.”“A ‘friend’ that convinced her to move to New York.” My publicist whispers to Erika, mockingly. I growl, but before I can say anything Erika interrupts us.“Okay we are going off topic now. I’m still surprised you don’t want to spend more time here, Taylor.”“And why is that?” I ask between gritted teeth, I’m tired of guessing.Both of their brows furrows. It would have been funny if I wasn’t so tired.Paula looks at me confused. “Because Dianna is here as well, doing a photoshoot or something of the sorts. We all knew that. I thought you would be happy to have an excuse to spend time with her here.”It’s like the time stops. I feel like a bucket of cold water was dropped over me. My mind wanders to a memory of Dianna telling me a while ago that she would be in London the same time as some of my London dates.
And I forgot about it. A year ago, that would have been unthinkable. Dianna is in the same city as me, I knew about it, and in all the three days that I have been here not a single thought of her has crossed my mind. A year ago, that would have been impossible.Dianna is in London and I didn’t think of her.
I stand up, my legs feeling like spaghetti.“I need to go. Is there anything else?” I just ask out of habit because I’m out of the door before any of them can reply. I’m in the parking lot in seconds and I don’t wait for a driver and just hop into my car. I’m pretty sure I knocked off some curbs of trash while I was pulling off, but I don’t care. I never have been a good driver anyways. I drive like crazy and before twenty minutes have passed, I’m parking on my hotel already.Once I’m in my suite, I go straight for the cabinet and take a big gulp of whiskey. I take the bottle with me to the bath, and I let it fill. Once the water has reached the top I strip down and jump into the bathtub. I take a deep breath before closing my eyes and dive my head into the water.For a moment I think of drowning, my chest starts to feel heavy and my throat is closing around itself, my brain asking for oxygen. I let another ten seconds pass before I allow myself to get out of the water, my lungs clinging for air, taking frantic breaths.Then I scream. I scream so loud that if feels like my throat is being ripped, my ears screeching at the sound.I scream so loud but no one hears a thing.I wrap over myself into the bathtub, my tears mixing with the water, my chin over my knees, my arms around my legs with only one thought in mind;I’m finally clean.
YOU CUT YOUR HAIR
February 13th 2014
Taylor.
“So you bought it.” Abby is fazed.“Yes.”“And you cut your hair.”“Yes.”“You said you would never cut your hair.”“I did.”Abby hits me in the arm and turns to look at me as if I were crazy.“What the fuck is going on with you?”I sigh but I’m not surprised for her reaction. Abby had come to see me in LA as soon as she saw the Instagram post about me cutting my hair.“Cutting my hair was a new begging, you know? I finally left Dianna behind, it seemed fit to cut my hair. This is a new me.”A wrinkle appears in her forehead. “Don’t you think you are being too extreme?”“I don’t think you understand, Abby. Since I met Dianna, she’s the only thing I could think about, I couldn’t take her out of my mind, not matter how hard I tried. It was intoxicating, like if she was the air and I couldn’t just stop breathing.” I sit straighter. “But now, I was in London for days and she was there as well, and I didn’t even think of it! And I knew she was going to be there, she had told me months before and I completely forgot about it. And that never happened before. I think I’m finally over it. Cutting my hair was only remarking that fact.”“What fact?”“That it’s a new begging.” I fig with the hem of my shirt. “I wrote a song about it.”Abby whistles.
“How is it called?”“Clean. I worked with Imogen Heap a few days ago. I have it recorded it and all.”“Can I hear?” I nod and go in search of headphones. When I return I plug them into my phone and hand them to her. I took a breath before pressing play. Abby closes her eyes.Four minutes and thirty one seconds later she opens her eyes. “Wow. You know, the other times when you told me you broke up with her and were over her, I always didn’t fully believe you, I knew you were going to go back to her. And you knew it too. But this song...this is really closure Taylor.” She gives me a watery smile, “I’m very proud of you.”I give her a small smile and hug her.“Ten months sober huh?” She continues, after pulling away from me.“Between April of last year and February of this year, it has been ten months. You know we broke off things in April, but―but it didn’t feel like it. She was still in every thought and I wondered a thousand times if I was making the right decision. If I wasn’t giving up the love of my life. But back in London―it was like taking the first breath out of water. For the first time I wasn’t regretful of my decision neither did I felt haunted about it.” I smile, weak. “I’m really clean.”She hugs me. We stay like that for a couple of minutes before she breaks the silence.“So now you are gonna do something about your crush for Karlie?”
I play dumb.
“What are you talking about?”She rolls her eyes. “Oh c’mon. Where is exactly your new house again?”“Tribecca.”She steps out of my embrace and fumbles with her phone for a while before saying, “And that’s a fifteen minute walk to West Village. Where a certain brunette lives. Mhmm, what a nice coincidence.”“Abby, stop, is not what you think.” I lie but my blush betrays me.
She laughs.“This has to be the fastest U-hauling in history, oh my god.”“It´s NOT U-hauling. I´m not movin’ in with her.”“With how close your houses are, you might as well be moving in together.”“I didn’t buy it because of that. The previous owner was the director of lord of the rings and I thought it would be cool. He had a good taste in decoration. The ten bedrooms didn’t hurt too.”Abby stares at me blankly. “Taylor you fell asleep during the first move of Lord of The Rings.”“I didn’t!”“Whatever.” She shrugs me off. “Does she know yet?”I can’t help my dumb smile. “I’m going to see her later. She has some work here.”Abby’s expression turns serious. “Do you have feelings for her?”I let out a deep breath I didn’t even know I was. holding. I blink, feeling pretty much like a deer caught in the headlights.“When I met her in the Victoria’s show, I was physically attracted to her, I won’t deny it. I think we almost kissed there.” Abby’s eyes widen and I feel a weight being lifted out of my shoulders at finally admitting this out loud. “But I didn’t think much of it, I really wanted to be her friend and I thought the attraction would just go away. But it didn’t. My feelings for her only intensified as I got to know her better. She’s so caring, nurturing and sweet.” I smile despite myself. “I couldn’t help it.”“So you are in love with her?”I shook my head, feeling my stomach twist over itself.“I don’t know. Love is a big scary word. But I definitely have feelings that go beyond friendship.”She watches me quietly. “But are you going to tell her?”“I don’t know. I think there’s a chance she might feel the same way but―” I shrimp my shoulders in defeat. “This is a delicate situation. You know I made up my mind after the breakup with Dianna, I’m better off being alone. Love is not for me, no one is gonna sign up for this.”“Taylor, get your head out of your ass. So what, you are gonna mess up your chance with Karlie just because you are twenty four and have given up on love already? You are so fucking dramatic.”I sigh. “I’m perfectly fine living on my own.” Abby is going to protest but I cut her off. “Maybe you are right, okay? But I don’t want to think about it right now. My European leg is finally over, I feel like I could sleep for a week.”“Fine, but you’ll have to think about it soon.
Karlie is like a magnet for girls.”I frown. “What are you implying?”“That you are not her only option.”I scoff, suddenly grumpy. “I don’t want to think about that too.”“Yeah, go ahead and avoid your problems.”“Abby.” I say in the verge of a whine. I’m so tired from everything. I look at her with pleading eyes and she finally relents.“Okay, okay, I won’t bring it up again. For today.”I groan but I close my eyes, making myself comfortable in the couch. But even without seeing I can feel her stare burning holes through me. I open one eye to find her watching me with amusement.“What?”“Have you written songs about her?”I shrink in my seat, my blush coming harder than ever. “Two.”“SHUT THE FUCK UP.” Abby screams, squealing like some of my fans do when they see me.
“Are they gonna make it to the album?”I shrink further. “Maybe.”“You are so whipped.” She teases, and I throw her a cushion.
“You actually cut your hair” Karlie seems dumbstruck, touching my shoulders where my hair barely reaches them. “I remember when you told me a few months ago. I didn’t think you were gonna do it.”I chuckle. “Me neither. It’s all your fault.”“I’m sorry you were so inspired by my bob.” She passes her hand through my hair. I try not to melt into her touch.“We both now have short hair. Now people are gonna have a hard time telling who is who.”“We are twining.” I smile. “Anyways I have a surprise for you.”“I don’t think anything can impress me more than you chopping off your hair.“Oh, trust me it will”For the first time I notice the bag in her hands.“What is that?”“A gift.”“This is like the third gif this month.”“That’s the perks of being friends with me.”We laugh and walk into the living room. I sit on the couch but Karlie is frozen.“What?”“What is that?” She points to something under my couch and I follow the direction of her finger only to be meet with a flurry ball of white and grey.“That’s my cat Meredith.” I try to grab her but she hisses at me. The second time I try, I’m successful and Meredith twitches in my arms. “It’s actually weird you haven’t met her before.”Karlie takes a seat beside me. She pets her head while Meredith hisses more. “I didn’t even know you had a cat.”“I’m a cat lady.”“More like a lesbian.”I can’t help my chuckle. “Yeah, that too.”Meredith scratches my arm and I let her go, shocked by the pain. She scrambles off to the kitchen. “Ow, fucking cat.”Karlie grabs my hand. “It’s not that bad.” She’s right. The cut is an angry red but it didn’t drawn any blood so it’s gonna fade in days. “That’s why I prefer dogs anyways.”I make a face at that. She notices. “What, you don’t like dogs?”“They are kinda annoying. The doggie kisses are disgusting. I would take thousands of scratches before a doggie kiss.”Karlie lets go of my arm, putting her hand on her heart. “You are breaking my heart Taylor. And my dog’s heart too.”“You have a dog?”“Yeah, Joe Kloss. You haven’t meet him because he’s in St. Louis. My family is dog sitting for me.”She shows me some pictures. He’s a small dog, so that’s good. After my mom owing the biggest annoying dog ever I don’t think I would be able to handle another big dog. “Fluffy little rat.” I say after she’s done showing me the pics.Karlie gasps loudly and watches me with so much loading in her eyes that I might as well just stabbed her. “I can’t believe we are friends. Also, you are the one to talk. Your cat is so grumpy, at least Joe is a happy dog.”“She used to be a happy cat! But she hasn’t been the same since―” I stop dead in my tracks when I realize Meredith hasn’t been the same since April aka the month me and Dianna broke up. “What do you have in there?” I decide to change the topic, looking at the bag in Karlie’s lap. She hands me the bag. “Look at it.”It’s a navy blue sweater with the word ‘New York’ across the chest in white letters. Two white strips are each in sleeve. I like it immediately.“What do you think?Instead of replying, I quickly strip to my bra and put the sweater on. “I love it.” I turn only to see Karlie’s wide eyes, her face red. Interesting.“Uhmm, yeah, um, it looks good on you,” She’s flustered and I smile pleased.“And it’s quite fitting for the occasion too.” I say, running my fingers over the letters in the sweater.“Yeah?” Karlie blinks, her blush starting to fade. She’s looking at me with eagerness in her face and I can tell she already suspects what I’m about to say.“I bought the Tribecca house.”For a moment she doesn’t say nothing, she doesn’t even move. And then she snaps out of her trance, throwing herself into my arms, making all sorts of delighted sounds.“I’m so excited! Tribecca is like a ten minute walk from my home! We are gonna do all sorts of amazing things together! And―” she continues babbling but I’m more focused on her face; her trade mark sunshine-y smile already on, her eyes warm and hopeful. She’s like an open book. It’s refreshing, it’s the kind of feeling I want to hold onto so I tighten my grip around her arms, smile and say, “Yes. We are gonna do great things together.”Karlie smiles for the rest of the day.
VANITY FAIR OSCAR’S PARTY
MARCH 2nd
Karlie.
After parties are interesting. Mostly everyone goes for publicity and you can choose whether you walk the red carpet or get in by another entrance. Some people stay twenty minutes, and some stay the whole night. It’s also a good chance to catch up with old acquaintances.“Do you like her?” Jamie is staring at me with curiosity. We are one hour into the party, Taylor talking with someone else.“Of course I like her. She wouldn’t be my friend if I didn’t like her.” I reply too quickly, stealing glances at Taylor’s back in the distance. She’s wearing a conservative shiny black dress, and while her back is still covered, the fabric is a see through, so I can get a good view.She pokes my arm. “I’m not talking about that and you know it.” When I just stare her back, she adds, “I mean if you like her like her. At least more than a friend.”“You promise you won’t say nothing?” Jaime nods although I’m giving myself away with that request. I take a sip of my wine before replying. “I do.”Her mouth stretches a lazy smile. “Mhhhm, I knew it,” she turns to look back at Taylor. “And I think she likes you too.”That makes my confidence grow and feeling bolder I say, “I think so too. I just don’t seem to find the right moment to tell her. I know we only became friends a few months ago, but I don’t think I can keep pretending that I don’t wat more than a friendship.” I sigh. “Not when she’s like that.”“Like what?”I bit my lip, trying to put it into words. “She provokes me. Like there’s moments when I think it would be okay to kiss her, but then the next second that moment is gone and I feel like―like if I’m stumbling through the dark. It’s driving me crazy.” Maybe I said too much but apart from Jordan I haven’t discussed it with someone else, and it feels good to say it out loud.“I think you need to come forwards with your feelings, Karlie.” Jamie’s voice is filled with concern. “Flirting and playing dumb, its actually what you two are doing now and it only can last much. It won’t be just fun forever.”“But there’s never a right moment.”“Then search for it.” Her eyes drift into the distance. “Oh look, Taylor is coming now. I’ll let you two have some time alone, it was awkward enough being the third wheel for the past hour.”I start to protest but Jaime is already on her way, bumping into Taylor and saying something to her.“I’m back.” Taylor beams when she’s in front of me. I look into her blue eyes, Jamie’s word echoing in my mind.“Let’s do something spontaneous.” I blurt out.“What?”Search for the right moment. I don’t allow myself to back down so I continue, “Something out of the blue. I think it would be fun for us.”A wrinkle appears on her forehead. “I don’t know―” She says, uncertain.“Don’t you want to be carefree for just one day? You are always worrying about something, I think it would do you good to just get away. To be free for one day, drive out of the city, away from the crowds, away from everyone. Let’s just get out of this place.”Taylor looks at me for what if feels like the longest time, searching for something. She must find it because she replies, “Okay.” Her expression is unsure, but her eyes are hopeful.I’m taken aback. I didn’t expect her to agree so quickly. “Yes?”“Yes.” She seems more determined now. “We should go to Big Sur. I have been to Big Sur once before, I’m sure you’ll like it.
We should just do it.”Big Sur, the place sounds familiar on my mind. It’s one of the most popular places to visit in California, amongst tourists.
I have never been there.“A road trip?” I know it takes a while to get to Big Sur and the only way of arriving is by car. I can’t imagine one of Taylor’s jet landing in the forest.“A road trip.” She confirms. Then she smiles in that wicked way that takes my breath away and that I had come to identify as the one she does when she’s planning something.“When?”“Tomorrow.” Taylor sounds very sure.Well, she is taking the spontaneous thing very seriously. “Tomorrow and the next day. A two day vacation.” I confirm. Taylor makes a sound in agreement.“I’m gonna drive us there.”“You driving? That’s something I would like to see.”“And you’ll see it. I have a surprise for you”I can’t help the big smile that spreads across my face when I hear her words. There’s something so exciting about planning things out of nothing and I can’t believe the spontaneous idea turned out so fine.The road trip is the right moment. It has to be.
BIG SUR
March 3dh 2014
Karlie.
“Wow, I can’t believe we are really doing this. Just us.”I slid into my seat, buckling up the seat belt after I left my small bag in the trunk. Taylor is behind the steering wheel and it’s really a strange sight, I have never seen her driving before. It’s also a little bit weird being in a car that isn’t a SUV. She owns a golden convertible Lexus.
She chuckles.“If you don’t count my security guards following us a few feet behind, then yeah, just us.”“They won’t stay with us, right?” I’m horrified.“God, no. I rented them another cabin.” She puts the key in the ignition but doesn’t start the car, instead she reaches for something on the dash board, a small black box. She pulls out a transparent case with a CD inside. She opens it, the CD is painted like the evening sky with clouds and seagulls. It reads ‘1989’ across it. Holy shit.She puts the cd into the car’s stereo.“This is the surprise I told you about. I finished my fifth album a few days ago and I wanted to play it for you. You are gonna be the first person that listens to it.” She laughs, and I can feel her nerves. “Well, apart from my label.”I’m overwhelmed. I wasn’t expecting her surprise to be this, and it only makes me more excited. “I’m honored.”Taylor finally starts the car, pulling it off to the road. The first I notice is that she drives like a bat out of hell. One hand in the steering wheel and other hand hovering over the play button. She sets her stare straight ahead, but I don’t turn. I can’t stop looking at her. A few minutes pass in agonizing silence where I can ever hear my breathing, fearing for my life, when Taylor speaks again. She drives like an absolute maniac.“Even if this is my fifth album, it does feel like the first one since it’s different from the others because this is the one where I have changed genres completely. I have been always be a little bit of both country and pop, but it’s different to really switch into another genre, especially since country was the one that made me who I am now. But I needed a new sound, my music evolves with me. I’m really nervous about the outcome of this album but I hope it’s successful. If I do everything right, then it might turn the most successful album of my career. I’m ready to risk things I have never risked before.”“Now, this is the opening track. I think you could say―” She takes a deep breath and I watch her, eager to listen. “I think you could say this was inspired in part by you. ““Me?”
My mouth hangs open.Taylor gives me a brief look but it’s enough to let me know that I shouldn’t interrupt her again. My God, she’s bossy.“It’s called Welcome To New York. And I guess you could say its inspiration can’t be attributed to geography, it can only be attributed to the people that came in to my life when I moved to New York.”“Oh.” It’s the only thing I can manage. So this song it is in part about me, and its making me feel all kind of fuzzy warm feelings inside.“Now let the music do the talking.” She presses play and a happy beat greets my ears. Once the song begins I forget all about her maniatic driving.
And you can want who you want boys and boys and girls and girls
Oh.
“That’s the first time I have addressed the gay community in my lyrics. I would have never done it if country was still my genre. But that’s the thing about pop ya know? I can take more risks here and―” The car increases in speed. “and IF I ever decide to come out it won’t make much damage to my career as if I were still in country. Switching to pop it’s not only about a new sound but it’s also about paving the way to be free. That’s why I want and need this album to be successful as fuck. If I do good with this, I can stick with pop. And pop means more freedom. It’s a step in the right direction.”“I’m proud of you.” Her hand is resting in the shift stick and I place mine over her. “Not everyone has that courage.”“Do you ever think about it?” Taylor says as the bridge of the song rolls out. “About coming out?”That questions caught me off guard. I clear my throat, trying to hide my discomfort.“When I was just starting my career, my team talked to me and said if I wanted to make it far, it was better to keep quiet. And I’m just twenty two, I haven’t hit that place when you feel like you have made it. And the thing is I’m a model, nobody pays much attention to me. My relationship right now consists of taking a few walks with the dude who’s supposed to be my boyfriend, so paparazzi can get their shots. It’s not that bad and I don’t feel like it’s intoxicating me, so I’m not eager to come out. The closet is comfortable for now and I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with the inevitable consequences that come with it; losing contracts, losing gigs. I’m not ready.”“That’s how I feel sometimes. I also don’t feel like I have made it in my career yet. Sure, I have hit some milestones but there’s still so much I haven’t done yet. And I’m too scared for the consequences. I could lose it all, but other times I just want to just say fuck it all and just come out, but I’m too paranoid
for that. Sometimes it evens get to the point where I regret my career because, it’s all worthy? I’m rich as hell and everybody knows my name but I
can’t tell the truth about myself, so I have to be seen in the arms of a man I don’t even care about and I just can’t help but wonder how much easy it would be if I was just a nobody. And then I play in a stadium for forty thousand people and I think, ‘would they show up if they knew? would they still care about me? Chery Wright is a country artist and she came out a few years ago. She described closeting in the entertainment industry as a 'machine' which wrecked everybody who went into it and continued functioning. Her career suffered a lot but now she happily married with a woman and I―” The yearning in her eyes is so obvious it makes me hurt for her. “Is it all worthy? Sometimes I feel like I’m losing a big part of me, like I don’t even know myself anymore.”I squeeze her hand tighter. I’m mute for a few seconds, she just described how I feel in my darkest moments.
She’s is still not looking at me and I’m starting to think if it’s easier for her to open up with her eyes on the road.“Maybe some time in the future we could come out.”
It’s the only comfort I can give her, my voice nearly breaking, and Taylor takes it with a weak smile.“Maybe.” She says as the song finishes. She pulls her hand away of mine to press pause. I don’t hold it again.Some minutes pass before I work up the courage to talk.“I can’t believe you wrote a song about moving to New York.”“Music is like my diary, Karlie.” She chuckles.I play with my shirt. “The things you said in the song, does New York represents all those things for you? The bright lights, the new soundtrack...”“As I said before, it’s not as much as the city as it is about the people that live there.”My breath gets caught in my throat. She’s not even looking at me, but I feel like her stare is burning holes through me. Only Taylor could make that sound like a love confession.“I’m glad I could help.” It’s the only thing I manage to croak out.“You don’t have idea.” Her wicked smile tells me she’s enjoying this too much.
Her finger hovers over the play button again.“The next song it’s one that I’m very proud of. When I had the idea of this album I knew I wanted it to be influenced by the eighties’ music. This song it’s the most that has these kinds of vibes. It’s a critique about what all the media say about me. I used to get so sad when my reputation was reduced as the man-eater, the girl that can’t keep a boy. But I’m not looking for a man and that’s what they don’t know.” Taylor winks at me and I blush a little. I feel like I’m getting out of the breath in this car and it has only been twenty minutes. I’m fucked. “But then I thought about the character they made up about me and I realized it was something interesting to play with. They want a pyscho girlfriend? I’ll give them a pyscho girlfriend. And this was the result.” She presses play. “I hope you like it.”There’s only one word about this song; catchyBy the second chorus I’m singing along and Taylor laughs
But I got a blank space baby... and I’ll write your name.
“Was that a pen sound?”“Yes. You know, when you firm the contract for the stunt.”I’m impressed. “What the fuck, you are so smart.” Taylors cheeks tint a light pink.“I live for the Easter eggs.”“Aren’t you worried your fans might found out?”She lets out a dry laugh. “I mean they are obviously going to notice the pen sounds but there’s no way they are gonna link it with that. My straight image is very protected.”“Good PR.”“Yeah.”
We keep signing to the song. And when it ends I just want to hear it again.“You need to make that a single. It would totally smash”“I’m planning to. I just haven’t decided if it should be the lead or the second.”“What is the other option?”“You’ll hear in a few minutes.”She pauses the next song before it can start. I can tell she’s gonna do this for all the album.
She grabs the steering wheel tighter and shallows.“Before the next song I need to explain some things,” her face gets red, her voice awkward. It’s the first time she doesn’t seem confident talking about her music. “You know that I had a girlfriend, right?”My mind goes to memories of years ago. “I remember you telling me you had a girlfriend a few years ago?” It more like a question because I don’t remember it too well.“Yes, her. I broke up with her about ten months ago. Her name is Dianna Agron.”“The glee chick?” I’m surprised, Lily had told me that Taylor had been in a serious relationship, but I would have never guessed it was her.A humorless laugh comes from Taylor. “Yes, her. Our relationship was very fucked up, we were very on and off. The next song is about that, it was the latest addition to the album and honestly nineteen eighty nine didn’t feel complete until I made this song. I’m very proud of the production and how pop this sounds. I’m gonna make it a single too.”She presses the play button. “It’s called Style.”I pay more attention to the lyrics of the song, with the new information about her past relationship revealed. The beat is pleasant, Taylor’s soft voice really fits with it.
You got that James Dean daydream look in your eye and I got that red lip classic thing that you like
“James Dean huh?” Dianna doesn’t look like James Dean at all in the images I have from her on my mind. It’s hard to think about the cheerleader blonde as the rebel.Taylor still won’t look at me. The car goes a bit faster, but I shrug it off, to focused on Taylor and this new music that I can’t think of something else.“I know you are thinking she doesn’t look like him. But she, uhm, made a photoshoot inspired by him and it was like having a new vision. I actually got the idea of the song after watching the photoshoot and she did it with the magazine ‘InStyle’ so I named it Style. It also leads people to think that it is about Harry Styles, so it’s the perfect title.”“You are really a business woman.”“Hey, you don’t make a fortune being naïve.”I hum in agreement, the song keeps playing and something about the chorus catches my attention.“And when we go crashing down we come back every time?”“I know that makes it sounds like I’m planning to go back to her but I am not. The song is more about what happened, she and I dragged that whole burning down and coming back together for almost three years. The song is about that period of time.”I nod, feeling reassured. We keep quiet until the songs ends and Taylor speaks again.“Have you ever met a person that leaves you marked forever? Style is about the person that comes backs rushing to your wedding and says, ‘don’t do it because we are not over yet.’ Dianna was that person for me. I used to romanticize that but now I realize it’s a load of crap. You shouldn’t keep dragging unhealthy relationships and staying on them just because you love her. It took me a while to learn that, love is not always enough. Dianna will be forever a scorching memory in my heart, but I shouldn’t let that ruin my future chances.” She sneaks a glance in my way, so quick that if I hadn’t been looking at her so closely I wouldn’t have noticed. “Not when the future is looking so bright.”“You have a way with words.” It’s the only thing I can say when I feel my heart ringing on my ears.“Songwriter Hall of Fame, yeah.” She chuckles but her expression grows serious again. “I also want to say that my songs are like my children and Style is one of my favorite kids. Even if the inspiration behind the song is a sad one, I could replace it with another memories, and I would think of those new memories instead of the original inspiration every time I will play it. It wouldn’t be sad anymore”“Like a new inspiration?”“Yes. And it would be such a waste to be sad every time I play it. I want to feel happy when I’m singing it, I don’t want to feel haunted about it. So I was hoping―” her face seems like it’s about to set on fire by how red it is. Even her ears are starting to get red. Her voice is unusually shy, “I was hoping that maybe one day this could be our song.”Saying I’m surprised is an euphemism. I’m pretty sure my eyes bulge out of my head and my jaw falls like two feet.“What?”“Our song.” She repeats. I wish she were looking at me. “Would you like it?”“Yes.” I reply without thinking. Her face splits into a smile. “Good,”Before I can’t say anything else, she plays the next song.“This is called out of the woods. I think you are already grasping an idea of how messy Dianna and I were. The main thing I feel in this relationship was anxiety, because it felt very fragile, it felt very tentative. It always felt like, okay what’s the next road block? What’s the next thing that is gonna determine this? How long do we have before this turn into just an awful mess? Is it a month, is it three days? And so, you know, I think a lot of relationships can be very solid and that’s kinda what you hope for, solid and healthy, but it’s not always what you get. And uhm, it doesn’t mean that it’s not―special and extraordinary. Just to have a relationship that is fragile, somehow meaningful in that fragility.
This is the song that best represents the album.”I blink, taking all the information in. The song starts to play and I listen quietly to the lyrics, wanting to learn what is going to let me know about her past relationship.
Two airplanes flying, flying.
Taylor laughs. “I just added that lyric because of Harry and his airplane necklace, to lead people on. That’s the best thing about leaving small references, I don’t even have to say his name and I get the publicity.”
Remember when you hit the brakes too soon
Twenty stitches in a hospital room
When you started cry, baby I did too
“The bridge is actually about Harry. We went on this vacation and were sky diving when he, well as the song says, hit the brakes too soon and we had a hard landing. I didn’t get really hurt but he busted his chin and had to get stitches. After the nurses and doctor left, he started to cry and told me he couldn’t do this anymore, and honestly? At the time I thought he was overreacting a little, I was actually the one putting effort into the stunt and he acted like if wasn’t him who was leeching off my fame. But I didn’t like the stunt either, it was ridiculous to be with an eighteen year old, I fought with my publicist about it. So there were some tears shred that night and shortly after we ended the contract.“It doesn’t seem like a good experience.”“That relationship was the worst. I had to deal with his rude fans. And that, when that stunt ended, I think it had been building up through my whole career but that relationship was the cherry on the pie, my bad reputation blew up with that. So I don’t plan into dating another boy sensation any sooner.”“I think I can understand more now why you consider the chance of coming out more often than not. Those relationships seem like a mess.”Taylor hums in agreement and we don’t say nothing for a while until she breaks the silence again.“This is track 5. I have this thing going on where all my tracks fives are super sad. This one does have a happy upbeat tone but if you pay attention to the lyrics you’ll realize it’s actually a really sad song. This is called All You Had To Do Was Stay. I wrote it after I had a dream of Dianna showing up at my door and the only thing that came out of my mouth was this high pitched, ‘stay’! That’s what you’ll hear in the chorus.”She presses play and just as she promised a beat designed to make you dance fills my ears, but the undertone is depressing. The lyrics talk about a love that wasn’t enough.
You were all I wanted but not like this.
Taylor clutches the steering wheel until her knuckles turn white. I want to hold her free hand again but I decide against it at last.“Those were lyrics I wrote after―” her voice breaks. “Sorry.” It takes her a few more deep breaths to speak again. “I wrote it after Dianna proposed to me. In April. And it was all I have dreamed of; meeting the right person, then spending the rest of my life with them, it was all I wanted. But not like that. She just did it as a way to save our relationship and I knew I couldn’t say yes. Everything else in our relationship consisted of clinging at straws how could we make a marriage of that? It was the hardest decision of my life. I loved her so much how could I give her up?
I remember thinking back then, how could I give up the person that I love the most? We loved each other, there’s no doubt of that.
It was the love that hurt, intoxicating, that had me feeling like I couldn’t breathe. But love is not always enough.”Her voice is shaking and I realize she’s at the edge of tears again. I’m shocked at this new revelation, I didn’t expect them to be that serious, but I leave my surprise behind in order to comfort Taylor, this time I grab her hand, and I squeeze it, giving her a look I hope means more than words, because I can’t find the right ones.“Love is not supposed to hurt.”Taylor looks at our intertwined hands for a few seconds before replying.“No, it’s not.”
She relaxes her grip on the steering wheel. The air hitting against my body is starting to pierce in my bones and I shiver. Taylor notices.“You are cold.” It’s not a question.“Yes, but my jacket is on my suitcase and I really don’t want us to stop just to grab it. I’ll survive.”She studies me for a brief moment before her eyes lit up.“I have a sweater in the back seat. You can borrow it for the meanwhile.”I reach for the back seat and just as she said, I find a sweater. It doesn’t look new but it’s well conserved so I’m assuming she had it for a while now. It’s white and it has the word ‘GENIUS’ in black across the chest. It also has black shags all over it. Once I put it on the welcome heat floods my body. The sweater is as fluffy as it looks and smells like Taylor. The sleeves stop short of my wrists but despite that, it fits perfectly. I kinda of want to sink on it.
Taylor is beaming. “I really love that sweater. It’s a magical sweater, it miraculously fits everyone.”I deflate like a pinched balloon. “So other people have worn it before?”“You and Max Martin are the only two people that have had that honor.”“So I’m only the third person wearing it. Wow, you really know how to make a girl special.” My voice is dripping with sarcasm.“Don’t be jealous, Karlie.” She snickers and I’m about to protest when she plays the next track, unwilling to argue with me, “This is gonna help our sour mood. It’s called Shake It Off. It’s so different from everything I have done before.”
“It sounds like a kidz bopz.” I blurt out thirty seconds into the song without thinking. Lucky for me Taylor isn’t offended, and she only laughs.“Yeah, a kidz bopz that’s gonna make me millions. This is the kind of earworm that gets stuck in your head. And I get to pick on what people say about me. The ‘I don’t care’ vibe of the song will help me to rebuild my reputation.
Music is my way of expressing myself.”I whistle. “A business woman. Hot.”Her ears turn red. I smirk, satisfied. “Maybe I don’t look like it but I’m a business woman first and a musician second. You need to be the two things if you want to really succeed.”I hum in agreement, but my mind is not really paying her attention anymore, my mind wandering to Taylor on suits. That would be hot. Had she used a suit before? I will need to google it later.
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Just think while you've been getting down and out about the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats in the world
You could have been getting down to this sick beat
“You are raping.” I say unbelievingly, getting out of my fantasy of Taylor on pant suits.“I wouldn’t call it rap. But yes, that’s the epitome of the joke.
This is not a sick beat at all.
If they don’t understand it’s their problem.”I sing along to the last chorus and she joins me, both laughing. It’s really fun.“This is a really big fuck you to everyone. And you managed to do it in a song that its gonna stuck. Hell, I have it stuck it in my head already! This is the kind of songs that no matter if you hate them you can’t help to sing along to it.” I say cheerfully after the song ends. Taylor flushes.“Thank you, I’m really flattered.”“So is this or blank space as the lead single.”“Yes,”“I think it should be this one. The song just ended and I have it stuck on my mind already. The chorus, blank space is catchy too but this one is more.
And then release blank space as the second single. You are going to have back to back hit singles.”Taylor hums as if she’s really considering my words.“I really hope so. Both are so pop and shake it off doesn’t show off my songwriting skills at all so I’m going to get murdered by the critics.
But a new genre means more risks that I’m willing to take. This is the right direction to go.”
We talk about it for a few more minutes until she lets the next songs start; a weird production of what sounds like an electric guitar and bass.“This is called I wish you would. Honestly this song is more about wishful thinking. I wrote like in twenty minutes and the production comes from my friend Jack, he was messing around with some sounds and I was like; I need to put this in a song. This is kinda more of what you can call ‘an album filler’.”“Wow, honest.” Taylor only laughs in response.
I wish you would come back
Wish I'd never hung up the phone like I did
I wish you knew that
I'd never forget you as long as I'd live
“I wrote if after I found out Dianna bought a house close to mine in LA. After that
I had like this weird wish about her accidentally having to drive by my house and then being haunted about all her memories with me. I was in the phase when you want your ex to come to run to you and apologize. And when I wanted her back too, but instead of picking up the phone and call her, I wrote this song.”All the new information about her relationship with Dianna makes me hesitate. I’m not so sure anymore if this road trip is the best place to confess my feeling when she had this past relationship that obviously meant so much to her and it’s still recent. Not even a year has passed since she ended it and it makes me nervous.
The only thing I can make out of this is that she really trusts me with something huge of her life and that helps me feel at ease a little.“That’s a good way of coping. Saves you from a lot of dumb shit.” I joke trying to hide my feelings. The song is kinda boring but as Taylor said it was just a filler so I don’t dare to comment on it.She plays the nest song, called Bad Blood. She said that she wrote it when she was so angry at people. But she doesn’t mention who and I don’t push. The song is very resentful but it’s catchy too.“I want to make this a single too.” She says in the second chorus. “With a remix. I think it would be cooler.”
“Yeah, replace the salty verses with a good rap.”Taylor mouth hangs open and she makes a sound resembling offence.“Salty verses? You are unbelievable.”“Well it is scornful. Don’t you even try to deny it,”“As I said I was very angry.” She looks straight ahead. “I have an idea for the musical video too. I want it to be all woman, maybe, eh, maybe you could be on it.”That takes me by surprise.“A video.” That is something permanent, something that can’t go away. “That’s a huge thing.”“So I take that as a yes?” Her shy voice makes me bite my tongue with the snarky remark I was going to do, and I reply sincerely instead.
“Yes, I would love to.”The song finishes and the other one is about to start but Taylor pauses the stereo before it can go on. Her face is suddenly crimson red, and she looks nervous.“Before we heard this one there’s something I need to tell you.”She takes a deep breath and shallows. I’m grateful of the wind hitting against my face because it makes me feel a little bit more relaxed. I’m starting to grow anxious at her sudden shift in her mood.“But first a pit stop,” Her words take me by surprise.I growl. “Come on, you can’t be serious. I want to hear what you have to tell me.”“And you will, but aren’t you hungry? Big Sur Bakery is only ten minutes away.”
I stick out my tongue in thought. I am in fact hungry. “Okay.” I murmur grumpy, eager to hear what Taylor has to tell me. My mind races with the possibilities and it only makes me more restless.In the time we take to arrive to the Bakery, I fidget with the glove compartment, causing it to accidentally open. A Polaroid camera falls on my lap.
She throws it a glance. “That’s mine. I brought it here, to document our trip.”I nod and sneak a glance in her way. She’s staring straight ahead, very focused, her eyes covered by Ray-Ban sunglasses. The wind is ruffling her hair and she looks so ethereal, my fingers itch to touch her. Instead, I take a polaroid of her.“Hey, you should have told me!”“It would have ruined the picture.” I take the polaroid into my hands and start to wave it so it can reveal sooner. Taylor pulls over. “We arrived.”We go into the bakery, the place is very cozy and rustic. There’s a sign inside that reads ‘BIG SUR BAKERY & RESTAURANT” in letter of all the colors. I step closer to admire it when Taylor calls me.“You look so cute.” She takes out her ¡Phone. “Make a pose for me.”I opt for surprised, pointing to the sign. Taylor admires the phone, smiling. “You look so cute on my sweater. I might let you borrow it more often.”So she thinks I’m cute. I can’t wipe off the smug smiles that accompanies me as we make our way to a table. The place is half empty and her security guards are very close to us, so no one dares to bother us.
We order two wood-fired pizzas and some pastries for dessert. I can see her hand’s shaking and her anxiety growing but I don’t want to push her yet. She said she will tell me.An hour pass before we make our way into the car again. If anything, Taylor looks more nervous than ever and I’m eager to know why. She takes a deep breath.“This song is called Wildest Dreams. It’s a song about a place I was in in my life where I was fatalist, I had a fatalist idea of love and I was clearly in a very bad mood and I was like; love just ends it was not a question of if we break up but when we will break up, it was one of those days but it got a good song out of it.” We both let out shaky laughs. “I think the way I used to approach relationships was very idealistic. I used to go into them thinking, ‘Maybe this is the one — we’ll get married and have a family, this could be forever.’ Whereas now I go in thinking, 'How long do we have on the clock — before something comes along and puts a wrench in it, or your publicist calls and says this isn’t a good idea? This song sums up all of that. I also used my heartbeats for the song, I thought they were more fitting than the drums.”She puts her finger over the play button and it’s like the time stops. Her heart beat fills my ears. The song is beautiful and tragic at the same time. As she said, it talks about a love that couldn’t be, that could only exist in their imagination. While it was intense and real it would have its eventual downfall, begging her lover to remember her.
He’s so tall and handsome as hell.
For some reason, those lyrics make me stir in my seat. It couldn’t be...?I keep quiet until the song ends, wanting to soak on its lyrics.“This is what you wanted to tell me?”Taylor is avoiding my glance, she grabs the steering while with such force that her knuckles turn white.
Her voice is small when she speaks.“Kind of.”I feel vertigo rising in the pit of my chest and it has nothing to do with her driving. “Is this song about Dianna?”“No.”The vertigo intensifies. My fingers start to tremble a little. “Then who’s about?”She only turns to look at me for a brief moment but doesn’t say nothing. Is almost like she’s begging me with her expression to figure it out.
And I have a very good idea, but I don’t dare to say it.“So you wrote a song about a breakup in a relationships that doesn’t even exist?”Her shoulders are hunched, and she looks so small. I have never seen her like this, so pessimistic, so defeated. “Yet.”“Excuse me?”“I wrote Wildest Dream about the break up of a relationship that doesn’t exist yet. Because is not going to work, the relationship is inevitable, is gonna happen at some point but the fallout also is.” A single tear rolls down her cheek. I feel utterly helpless, watching Taylor break before me and being unable to do something. “It’s not going to work, there’s no way someone is going to put up with this. How I’m going to maintain a relationship with the circus that is my life? When I’m living a lie? How am I going to force yo―someone to stay hidden while I go home to a man to everyone else? It wouldn’t be fair to put someone through all of that. And I’m sure they wouldn’t want it either.”The slip doesn’t go unnoticed. I shallow, thinking carefully of my next words. Because they are going to make an impact. They have to. “I’m never leaving.” And I meant it. I have never been so sure in my whole life.She doesn’t say nothing, she doesn’t even turn to look at me. But she grabs my hand and squeezes three times and somehow that means more than a thousand words. We spend the next twenty minutes in a necessary silence. When she speaks again long gone is her defeated position; she looks optimistic now, hopeful even. A gleam I know it has to be there behind her sunglasses.She plays the next song.“Now this one is how you get the girl. This song like I wish you would is not meant to stand up but I needed it to be on the album, to tell the complete history. At first, I was a little nervous about the title but then I realized my straight image is so well build that people aren’t going to pick on what is lingering underneath it. I wrote this song when I was in all of those stages where me and Dianna keep breaking up. And when were off I wrote this song about the steps she needed to do in order to get me back. It was more wishful thinking more than anything else, I’m still a romantic at heart.”“But she didn’t get you back.” I say as the last ‘how you get the girl’ lyrics roll off in a sad tone.“You picked up on that!” Taylor looks pretty cheerful to be talking about a song that has a sad underlying. She really must have move on by now. I breath in relief, my confidence growing.“I tried to be subtle about it. It’s like an Easter egg, I love dropping clues. So yes, I wrote this song making the steps about how you get the girl back but not even like that did she end up getting her back. So that’s why the last lyrics have a sad tone lingering underneath it.”
I poke her arm. “You think of everything.”“I’m a little bit of a freak control.”“A bit?”“Oh, shut up.”She slaps my arm and we fall into a playful banter for the next fifteen minutes. Then she lets her fingers hover in the play button again and I sit straighten on my seat, anxious for the next song. Taylor’s finger is shaking a little and I can tell this is gonna be another really meaningful song.“Okay so this next song, is―”She clears her throat and starts again. “if I had a word to define this song it would be intimate. Out of all of the songs of the album, this is the only one that was written by just me. No one else participated on it, I didn’t want them to, so these kinds of songs that are written by just me express some raw emotion I’m still nervous to share with the world. Which is crazy since is my job, but I feel like they hit closer to my heart. Like I’m giving too much of me away to prying eyes, that’s why I can’t sill believe I self wrote a whole ass album when I was nineteen.”“Oh.”“Okay I’m rambling, anyways this is called This Love.” She finally presses the button play.Unlike her other songs, this one is pretty calm. Not something you could dance to. It’s slow and it has a lot of lyrics and I pay particular attention to them because this was all Taylor’s.
Been losing grip, on sinking ships
You showed up, just in time
Those particular lyrics strike me. I turn to look at her only to find her already watching me.
How I wish she would take those sunglasses off.“The song is about two persons?” My voice is shaky, uncertain.“Yes.” She returns her glance to the road. “What would make you say that?”“Uhm, well, the phrase ‘this love came back to me’ and ‘you showed up just in time’ makes me think is another person you are talking about.” That you are talking about me, goes unsaid.“You guessed right.” She sighs. “I’m gonna sound like a broken record but I really thought Dianna was the person for me, that that was it, the real deal. So when I realized we were never going to work out, I started to write that song back in 2012 because I had lost my ‘great love’, the one that was supposed to stay. However, I just finished the song a few months ago.” She smiles and looks at me in a way I can’t decipher. “It did come back to me.”“So you did meet someone new.”“Yes.”“Hm.” I want to scream, I want to tell her to stop playing with me. I want her to be upfront, not giving me vague answers. But also I’m too nervous to push her and pressure her into answering me. I’m a coward.“What’s the next song?” I try to put on my best stoic mask.Taylor looks equally anxious as me. “I know places.”The track starts to play. Thirty seconds into the song and I can tell that it’s a dark song, she sounds almost angry. She’s promising her lover that she knows places where they can hide.
They are the hunters we are the foxes
Just grab my hand and never drop it, my love
“I got outed once, with Dianna.” Her voice startles me, I was too immersed in the song. “It was a fake article, but it went viral nonetheless. Nothing that my team couldn’t fix and after a few weeks everyone forgot about it, but it fucking terrified me. I thought I was doing such a good job with all those fake relationships, that I kept that part of me so well hidden that nobody would notice, so that article was like if someone had hit me on the face. People were actually picking on it, I was so scared. The glasses I was using to see my situation shattered and in that moment I realized that I had to try harder.”“You mean engaging in more faux relationships?”“That’s the last thing I want right now. And it wouldn’t be good for my image anyways.” She takes a deep breath. “What I mean with trying harder is doing a different approach for my next real relationship, I’m not going to let anyone know about us until we want to. As the song says, places we can hide. My past two relationships were heavily affected by my team, I refuse to commit the same mistakes for a third time. I’m going to be more careful this time, I’m not going to let anyone ruin this for us. I’m going to fight for it.”“It’s like a promise.”“Yes, a promise to my new lover that I’m not going to let anyone else interfere with our relationship.”“You talk a lot about this new lover.” I tiptoe around what I really want to ask.Taylor has the decency to at least blush. “I’m a hardcore romantic. I like to write songs about things that haven’t happened yet. ““But will they happen?”“I don’t know.”
And you know for me, it’s always you (I know places)
In the dead of night, your eyes so green (I know places)
And I know for you, it’s always me (I know places)
Those lyrics almost make me want to jump out of the car. Almost.“I have green eyes.”
Taylor stares at me for what it feels like hours. “Yes, you do.”I’m gonna kill her, I’m really going to do it. I sink in my seat, sulking, and listening to the rest of the song ignoring the butterflies in my stomach. She’s so infuriating. Note to self; don’t ever fall for a songwriter again, they are sneaky as hell.The next song starts to play.
A slow, relaxing beat floods my ears. Her voice here is softer than any other track.“This is the last song of the standard version. It’s called clean. It was one of the latest additions to the album, I wrote in February. Something happened that it made me realize that I really moved on from Dianna, that I was finally clean.”I feel relief at those words. For what she let me know, Dianna left a great mark on her. It was a serious relationship and is hard to move on from these kinds of things. Any doubt I had before about Taylor not being really over her ex, vanishes when I listen to the whole song and my courage grows. I have to tell her.
Not right now, but later. It must be on this trip.“So that is it? The album is over?”
She shakes her head, smiling.
“I still have two songs left but those are part of the deluxe version.”I make puppy eyes. “And are you going to play them for me?”“Of course I am. But first,” she squints her eyes and I look straight ahead to see what she’s watching; a wood sing that reads ‘PFEIFFER BIG SUR STATEPARK,’ “We need to take a picture there. Grab the camera.”
I do as told. She pulls over and the black SUV does the same.
She takes her sunglasses off. Her two bodyguards come out of the car after us. Taylor gestures at them to come closer. She takes the camera out of my hands and places it on her bodyguard’s. She gives her phone to the other guy.“Okay, you two are gonna take us a pic. And I want a good shot.”They nod. Taylor looks up at the sign. “What pose do you think we should do?”I just shrug. “Come on Karlie, you are the model.”I look up at the sign too. It’s not tall, especially for people like us. “We could climb it.”“You first.”It’s not that hard to get up, especially with my 6’2 height and physical condition. I am at the top within seconds, with a strong grip in the wood to not fall.Taylor doesn’t look as sure. “Okay, here is when the tour stamina comes into play.” She jumps and manages to hold into one side of the sign.
“Take the pic, now!”“Smile.” The gruffy voice of one guy order us.We both do surprised faces, like, I-can’t-believe-I’m-gonna-get-laid- in-one-of-the-cabins-later, kind of expression. Since I want to show off a little I even manage to lift one leg while holding for dear life into the sign, just to show how flexible I am.They take the pics and we finally get off the sign to watch the results.“We look so cute!” Taylor beams. I nod. “I’m totally posting this one.” Her voice lowers into a husky tone. “I think the pictures of you with my sweater on are becoming my favorites.” She winks and disappears into the car again. I’m too busy drooling that it takes me another few seconds to follow her.When she stars the car again, my stomach does a somersault at how fast she is driving. God, she really drives like a fugitive. Before I can protest, she’s playing the next track already and that makes me forget what I was going to say.“This one is called Wonderland. I think it’s the most obvious song about Dianna. At first, I was hesitant to add it because of that, but then I was like fuck it. She has an obsession for Alice in Wonderland, she even has a tattoo about it on her ribs. I even managed to squeeze her Tumblr URL into the lyrics.” She looks so proud of herself. I can only stare, incredulous.“No way!”“Yeah, her URL was ‘fell-down-the-rabbit-hole’.” She smiles wickedly. “It gives me satisfaction to think that whenever she hears this song, she’s gonna feel the jabs because I’m being super direct. That every time she thinks of Alice in Wonderland, now she’s gonna think of me.”“You are evil.” That only makes her smile widen.
Too in love to think straight
“Please tell me that part has a double meaning.”She giggles, pleased with herself. “Of course it has, who do you think I am?”“You are a genius!”“Songwriter hall of fame, baby.”
I can’t see her since she put the sunglasses back on but I bet she winked.I start to sing along the last chorus. “This is one of my favorites.”She makes an snickering sound, amused. “That is unexpected. But thank you, I put a lot of effort in the production to make it catchy.”“So Dianna could have it stuck in her head.” I guess.“You guessed right! God, I can’t wait for the album to be out. Her having that song stuck in her head would be the ultimate revenge.”
I chuckle. “I didn’t expect you to be that evil.”“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, Karlie.” She says playfully but my answer comes out serious, only a few seconds later. “But I want to know them.”Her voice softens a lot. “And I will let you.”Our moment―whatever it was― is gone when the next song starts to play. It’s impossible to not pay it attention, it’s a song that demands to be heard.“Okay I don’t have a lot to say about this song, except that I didn’t know if to put in on the standard or deluxe. But since I only wanted thirteen songs to make it into the final cut, I had to put it in the deluxe version.”“That’s a hate crime! The song is so good! It’s what you call a bop!” I say moving my head to the beat. “You need to make this a single!”Taylor makes a face. “I don’t think so. There’s better songs in the album that have more single potential than this one.”
I stare at her, dumbfounded. “I can’t not believe you right now! You don’t like this song?”She looks at me as if I were crazy. “Of course I like it. I can’t not like my songs. It has a good production, but the lyrics are not that great. I just don’t see it like single material.”I throw her a glare. This song is beyond perfect, how can she devalue it like that? She squirms under my glare.“Okay maybe tour single?” She relents. Wow, my angry look is scary after all. I have not idea what that means but I nod energetically, happy that this great song it’s going to be a single“So that was the whole album?” I ask once the song is finished.Taylor taps her fingers in the steering wheel.“Kind of. I need to put three in the deluxe version and I only have two ready.”“So one song is still missing?”“Mhfm. I have a bunch to pick of and some demos, but they don’t feel like they fit. They just don’t feel right. I’m still waiting for that song to come to me. ““When are you gonna release the album?”“Late October.”“Don’t pressure yourself then. You have plenty of time.”“You make it sound almost easy. My schedule is crazy. I’m also gonna ad some voice memos to the deluxe that are me explaining how I write certain songs, because people have always been curious.”“That’s cool.”“Well yeah, but they are gonna be rehearsed. I can’t really put the idea behind those songs when I’m sill hiding a big part of myself. It’s an authenticity problem.”“It sucks being in the closet.”“Yes. But maybe one day we can be truly ourselves.” Her voice is so hopeful it physically makes me ache.“Maybe.”A comfortable silence falls around us, until I can spot a cabin in the distance.“We are here.” She finally parks and we walk the short distance between the car and the cabin. Her bodyguards carry our luggage and after giving us a brief discussion of how we need to call them every time we go out and that they would be checking around the house every few hours, we are left alone to our own devices.Our cabin is far away from the others, almost in an isolated place, and is so good because no one is going to bother us. We check the small cozy place together, it has a kitchen, a living room, a bathroom and one room. Which means only one bed. I try to look shocked at the realization while my heart is jumping with joy.“I’m so sorry, I just ordered the same cabin as I did before when I stayed here, and it was only me that time, and I didn’t think―” Taylor, at least, has the decency to looks embarrassed but part of me suspects she did it intentionally. I cut her off, shrugging.“We are normal girls. I can manage sharing a bed.”Taylor gasps, relieved. We bring our suitcases to the room, Taylor makes a dash for the bathroom. Since I don’t want to take her sweater off, at least not yet, I just put on a grey sweater over it. The weather is chill enough to not let me burn with three layers of clothes. I accommodate the only change I brought with me in a drawn, along with other things.Taylor comes out of the bathroom, looking refreshed. It’s my turn to go and I grab my toiletries to place them there. I look at myself in the mirror and fix some strands hairs, trying to look at my best for her. I smile when I notice Taylor has reapplied her eyeliner too, looks like I’m not the only one who wants to look pretty for the other.I sit beside her at the foot of the bed. “Okay so there’s no phone service here, no Internet either.
This is a really getaway. Just us.”I place a tentatively hand over her. She doesn’t move it so I take as a good sign. “Just us.” I repeat her words. Taylor nods. “Are you going to show me why everyone says Big Sur is so magical?”She stands up and offers me her hand. I take it immediately. “Come with me.”Taylor takes me to the beach first, her bodyguards trailing close behind but being discreet enough that if I don’t think about it I don’t notice them. There are yellow flowers in the rocks close to the coast, daisies to be exact, and Taylor picks one. She comes so close to me that my breath itches and she stands up on her tiptoes and puts the daisy behind my ear, with stalk and all.“This is from me to you.” Her expression is dead serious. I can only stare, hypnotized. “I want to give you a nice reminder of me. When you think of this flower, you’ll think of me. Before I met you I was so lost, I thought that I had lost everything, that there was no hope for me. I thought I was a poison ivy but now,” she smiles and it’s the most beautiful I had seen her. “Now I am your daisy.”It’s the most romantic thing I have ever heard. She’s not even touching me, but I’m breathless, aching for her. It feels surreal how someone like Taylor can exist. How every decision I took lead me to this single moment.
It takes all of my willpower to not swept her off her feet and kiss her. If we weren’t in a public space, I would have done it already.
I would show her with kisses and then words how much she means to me.“Mine.” It’s the only thing I can say, my words stuck on my heart.“Yours.” She confirms and turns to look at the sea. “Whoa what a beautiful view huh?”I follow the trail of her gaze. The view is indeed beautiful, with the cloudy sky and waves breaking against the coast, but when Taylor passes a hand through her fluffy hair, I can only think that she is more beautiful.The sound of a flash startles me and I turn to look around only to find the bodyguards with her phone and the camera.“Don’t worry, I told them to take pictures of us when we looked cute.”“But we always look cute.”“Exactly. So expect a lot of pics.” She laughs before running to the beach and I trail off behind her.I don’t take the daisy off for the rest of the day.
MARCH 4th
2:23 AM
Taylor.
Karlie is quiet beside me, her breath against my face. We are both facing each other, not touching, but our heads are almost brushing. Her eyes are closed. I study her face, her sharp features, the chiseled jaw, the high cheekbones. After we were done exploring we went bake to the cabin and we cooked dinner and I washed the dishes, it was kind of becoming our routine. We had sauvignon blanc wine and after four glasses each, we went to sleep. The daisy was in the nightstand, Karlie begrudgery took it off when she realized she was going to smash it if she slept with it. I was so glad she was caring about the flower that much. But I was restless, I couldn’t sleep so I decided to watch Karlie until I were too tired to keep my eyes open.“Taylor?” One green eye pops open. I stop breathing for a moment but manage to keep still. “Why are you awake?”“Why are you awake?” I retort.She chuckles, sleepy. “Because I felt your heavy stare.”“I can’t sleep.” Karlie’s eyelids are dropping with drowsy and I can tell she’s fighting to stay awake. “Go to sleep.”“But will you sleep too?”I rub her scalp. She melts into the touch. “Yes.” I lie. I’m too energetic to really sleep right now but she doesn’t need to know that.“Okay.” A pause, she looks at me with a strange look in her face, bright green eyes watching me like if she wants to take in all that is me, everything I represent, like she’s only seeing me for the first time now, then, “You are my best friend.”The adoration in her eyes, the tenderness in her words―It feels like a punch to the gut. Like a cold bucket of realization was thrown over me. She’s looking at me like if she wants me too.“Taylor?” It’s like everything stops. Karlie looks at me worried when I don’t reply. I guess my expression isn’t very reassuring right know. My mind fumbles with all the things I want to say, the words bending over themselves.
Finally, I take a decision.
“I don’t want you like a best friend.” It’s only the way she looked at me that has me saying those words.Karlie eyes widen so much I feel they are going to get out of her face. My tongue becomes sandpaper but once I revealed that, I can’t stop, and I look at her with urgent eyes, taking the courage to say what I couldn’t earlier. “Wildest dreams is about you. I know places too. And you are the love that came back to me.”“Taylor,” she sits. I do the same. My heart feels like is about to get out of my chest, like if I’m about to explode with anxiety. I feel like when I’m about to perform and there’s thousands of people waiting for me to give them a good show, to meet their expectations.“Taylor.” She repeats and it’s almost like a sigh. She places a hand in my cheek and then she’s kissing me, she’s fucking kissing me, and I explode in pieces only to get back together by her lips. The feelings swirling inside of me now resemble the sensation of when I finish performing and there’s fifty thousand of people chanting my name.Of course I kiss her back.
I thank Sappho that Karlie wasn’t asleep for that much so her mouth doesn’t taste like ass. It would had ruined the moment. I try to slide my tongue between her lips, to deepen the kiss but Karlie pulls away.“I’m in love with you.” Time stops again. Then she falls flat against the bed, exhaustion all over her face.
I place myself into her, my head above her breast, where I can her beating heart.
She wraps her arms around my torso. It feels like home. Her words are so special because we have exchanged ‘I love you’ in the past but not those words. And that’s the difference. That’s the difference that is making me feel like if all my insides were ripped out and there's only a fire left, burning me whole.“I’m in love with you too.” My voice is tiny, small, but in the empty silence it feels like a scream. Karlie kisses my head and that’s how we fall asleep, wrapped in each other.
The smell of smoke makes me wake up from my dreamless rest.
I groan, sitting in bed and searching for my contacts. Once I put them on I notice Karlie is not in bed anymore, so after I go to the bathroom I venture into the kitchen where the smell becomes stronger.“Shit, shit, shit.”Karlie is hovered over something on the counter, her brow furrowed. I step closer, still half-sleep and I notice she’s wearing the daisy, the flower safely tucked behind her ear. I smile stupidly.“You managed to burn toast? How do you even burn toast?” Karlie jumps, startled.“You scared me!” Her lips curve in a sheepish smile. “Uh, I was trying to make breakfast for you.”“That’s nice.” I take a tentative step in her direction, my stomach recoiling with anxiety and before I can chicken out I plant a brief kiss on her lips. “Morning.”She blushes, and I mirror her smile.
“Morning.”I turn to the burn toast, examining it closely. “If we put enough syrup I think we can eat it.”It turns out that burn toast dipped with almost all the bottle of syrup isn’t that bad. I would even eat it again. We spend our breakfast in a comfortable silence, both knowing we should talk about it, but for now I just want to drown in the brightness of a brand new love, in the feelings of knowing that the woman that has my heart loves me back. I don’t dare to break that delicacy and Karlie doesn’t either, so I just steal her kisses while I can, hoping they can convey everything I can’t say with words.But we still need to get out of the cabin, this a road trip after all. We both shower and go into the forest.“Hey, let’s take a picture here. I like this log.” I say halfway through our hike around our cabin.
My bodyguards stop with the camera ready.“Let’s look at the sky.”“Why?” I laugh.
She shrugs. “Because it’s that or looking at each other, and the second one would be too obvious.”We stand closer to each other, hands on our hips, with our stares up.“You are so fucking tall.”
I say, looking at the photo in question. Karlie just shrugs and sticks her tongue out.“What are you doing?” Karlie squats, the brown leaves crunching under her weight.“I want to take a picture of you from here.” She puts her ¡Phone in front of her face, a smile in her eyes. She looks so adorable and too cute and I just want to hug her, but instead I pull out my own ¡Phone and take a picture of her.“Hey, I was the one supposed to take a picture of you!” Karlie is looking at me with her face scrunched up grumpily and I can only think in how much I want to pepper her face with kisses and hold her hand, but.I can’t. Not here, not in public. Instead I just smile and keep walking.
We are in the beach again, Karlie’s hair tied up in a messy bun and she’s scribbling down something in the sand. There is something mesmerizing about watching a model willingly want to get her hands dirty.
I smile every time I notice the yellow daisy in her hair, held securely by a bobby pin.
I can’t help but take a picture of her.She rubs her hands together.
“I’m done.”I glance over to the sand. It says; Karlie <3 Taylr.
Taylr.
“As much as I’m flattered you forgot the O.”She frowns. “It’s right there.”I squint, looking closer. “There isn’t.”
“It’s literally there.” Karlie points to the sand and when I’m close enough to tell that in fact there isn’t an O, she passes her finger over my check. Which in any other occasion would have been a welcome touch if her fingers weren’t covered with wet sand.“KARLIE!” She takes off, giggling, me trailing behind her with a matching smile on my face. It’s the lighter I have ever felt in years.
The rest of the day goes smoothly, we go sightseeing, go to see the animals. We act like teenagers that just discovered what love means; being extremely touchy, taking hundreds of pictures of each other. And there’s even a moment when we are watching the elephant seals where Karlie hugs me so tight and presses so hard behind me that I think I’m going to faint.
She helps me cook dinner and we kiss some more, dancing to Betty’s Davis Eyes with flushed cheeks and giddy expressions.But our bubble can’t last forever.We are in the cabin, packing our few belongings, to go into the car and then my LA home.Karlie is already done, watching from the bed as I pace back and forth trying to find my phone charger. She’s still wearing the daisy.“So,” she starts when I finally found it.“So?” I repeat, playing dumb. Here we go.Karlie squirms, awkwardly.“We are about to leave.”“Yes.”“And we uh, we--” she looks at me pleadingly and I decide to stop feign obliviousness and help her out.“You can tell me, Karlie.” I sit beside her, the bed crunching under my weight.“Are we girlfriends?” She blurts out too quickly and I blink before I can understand her words. It would almost be a stupid question if it wasn’t for the circumstances.“I don’t remember you asking me.” I go for teasing, teasing is easy, lighthearted and let us avoid the elephant in the room.“Taylor.” She almost whines and it just takes a look at her to know that she won’t avoid the topic. I clasp my hands together, dread pooling in my belly,“Okay, look, I’m gonna need you to pay attention to me and to take seriously every word I say, understood? I am going to be very honest with you and I expect the same in return from you.”She nods. “A relationship with me is not a normal relationship. I’m a musician pretending to be straight, and you are a model pretending the same. Unfortunately for me, thanks to the bad PR image I build everyone is obsessed with the people I date. I know you work in the industry but your career doesn’t depend on having fans like mine, if I bring you in the mess that is my life, I’m exposing you to a new set of eyes, to more people prying into your life, to people speculating about you. It’s like I’m going to put a spotlight over you and I need to know if you are up for that. This album is going to be my most promoted album, I’m going to be everywhere and by association with me you will be too. Our schedules are going to be crazy, and we will need to have planned everything ahead, we will probably meet a lot with our publicists, our interactions in social media will need to be checked beforehand, we can’t post anything without our teams’ permission. Being in a relationship with me means taking away the privacy that being a model allows you, and I don’t want to force you in something you aren’t ready for. Here we could pretend and just be two girls in love, but we need to get back to our life’s and we aren’t normal out there. It won’t be easy.”Karlie looks frozen in place, her hands draped over her knees The dread in me comes stronger than ever. A silence falls around us while she takes in my words and every second feels like the oxygen in this room is lessening.After a few minutes, very slowly, Karlie blinks and there’s this strange look on her face again. “You said in your song that you know places we can hide, did you mean it?” Her voice comes out almost shy.“If you are willing to start a relationship with me then I assure you that I will do everything in my power to keep us safe. No one has to know.”“No one has to know.” She whispers like she’s trying to convince herself, her eyes fixated on her lap.
She looks up at me a few seconds later, a new light burning in her eyes. “I meant what I said in the car. I’m never leaving, I promise. I’m still going to be here for you when things get hard or when we make mistakes.”
In another situation I would have launched myself in her arms after hearing those words. Maybe a few years earlier the delight that her words caused on me would had burn brighter not just a faint echo of what it used to be, covered with fears and ghosts of the past. But now I’m older and wiser and I know that words won’t suffice. In this situation I can only sigh with defeat, hunching my shoulders and letting a cautious expression be clear on my face.
“You have to know that your words are empty to me.” Her hopeful expression vanishes and it causes a pang in my heart to be the cause of that but I don’t let my determination waver. I have to do this. I need to do this. “You can say all those pretty words and talk all you want but when the time comes, will you stay?
It’s easy to say that here, when we are away from the world, disconnected, where I don’t have to be an artist and you don’t have to be a supermodel. It’s easy to kiss behind closed doors but what happens when it’s not just us anymore? You can’t make any promises, Karlie.”When I look at her face, I’m expecting to find despair, but I end up finding a determination that matches mine and for the first time it strikes me how right are the people that say we are alike. Not only physically but also in the way we are. Karlie is just as stubborn as me.“Then let me prove it to you that is not only an empty promise! That I can keep my word and stick with you through the tough times! And aren’t you being hypocrite? You just made a promise to me to keep us safe and I decided to trust you. I gave you the chance and now I need you to give it to me; we need to give each other the chance.”“We can’t make any promises now, can we?”
Karlie shakes her head. “No, we can’t.
But what we can do is to see where this takes us, to believe and wait for our actions to speak for themselves.”
Her voice cracks and I tense. “I know you had bad experiences in the past and I understand your hesitation but please don’t doom something that hasn’t started it yet. Don’t let us become your song. It hasn’t to be like that.”Her words struck deep in my being. She’s right, she’s so right about everything.
Whether this ends up tragically, we fall apart and end up like two strangers sharing memories, it would be foolish to give up on something that hasn’t even had the opportunity to bloom. And is such an unusual event, falling in love. If we both love each other and meant our promises, then at least it deserves a try.I allow myself to believe in her words and smile. I put my hand on her cheek and I kiss her, tender and slowly. I kiss her like she’s the most precious thing, like if I’m afraid to break her because the situation right now feels so delicate I feel like she might.“You are right. Let’s give it a try.
I want to be with you. I want you to be my girlfriend.” I say out of breath after we pull away.Karlie looks at me dreamy, her eyes cloudy with adoration and her sunshine smile making an appearance. It’s overwhelming to be at the receiving end of that glance.
“So we are in a relationship.” She sighs.I kiss the corner of her mouth.
“Yes.”
I keep my trail of kisses up her temples. “We are girlfriends.”“Take me out in a date first.” Karlie teases.“Wasn’t this road trip an enough date for you?”She pushes me slightly, putting an end to our closeness. “Stop, you are leaving drool all over my face.”I ignore her and keep peppering her face with kisses.
Sadly, we cannot take it more far than a few make out sessions because we have to leave now, our busy schedules pressuring us to get out of the cabin. The way to the car is a blur of giggling, of making sure that no one is seeing us and then holding hands, of taking more pictures of each other.This time I don’t put any music on. It’s a comfortable silence between two persons that already know everything they need to know.
Halfway in our way back Karlie snaps a polaroid of me and is like the feelings that have been growing for the few past months finally burst, making my fingers twitch in anticipation, the words to a new song coming together on my mind. And every time I look at her, at the way she’s looking back at me, like if I had hung the stars only for her, the hook occurs to me, then the pre-chorus and finally when we have to part and she kisses me on the sidewalk of my LA home, the verses.A song about dancing in a snow globe referencing that time we met again at VSFS. A song about Karlie wearing my genius sweater, about the time she was wearing flats and I was wearing heels and we were the same height and she said, “Look up,” to show me the round moon, our shoulders brushing and I could only stare at her face. A song about the tenderness on her face when she looks at me. A song about all the things she unleashes in me. A song about how the little of gestures meant so much for people like us.It’s the song that nineteen eighty nine is missing.I write all night, crossing out sentences and trying to play that feeling into the piano.At the morning I’m satisfied, my insides burning once more. It’s the kind of feeling that has me jumping around feeling lighter than a feather. It’s the kind of feeling that makes me understand why someone like me would give up everything to just be able to live a common life. It’s the kind of feeling that made Karlie conserve the daisy for the whole trip, put it on the dashboard and take a picture of it.It’s the kind of feeling that has me posting the picture of me and Karlie at the beach, me jumping and Karlie slightly behind me with her right arm extended, after my publicist approved it.It’s the kind of feeling that has me captioning the picture with the lyrics of this new song:
You can feel it on the way home. @karliekloss.
It’s love.