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He didn't know what had been the catalyst.
Maybe it had been
his
eyes, brown, deep and sweet, that always had a stare that told him he wasn't insane. That all he did, trying to force his body to break the law of physics and do things on the ice while standing on a paper thin metal blade wasn't crazy.
Maybe it had been
his
soft, brown hair, or how it always made him want to sink his fingers into it and play with each short curl, forcing them to straighten and then letting them go to see them spring back into place.
No, maybe it had been his skin, that smelled like orange blossoms, and was always warm under his touch, when his skin was caressed softly and carefully, his cheeks cradled between big hands, or he was offered a hug when he needed it.
Or, why not, maybe it had been his whole face. His distinctive features, thick eyelashes, prominent jaw-line, that ever present smile that was always there, pulling his lips apart.
His red lips, that he yearned to kiss. He wanted it so much that it burned deep in his veins, his heart constricting with every painful beat.
He didn't know what had been the catalyst.
But it didn't really matter, because this was real life.
Her, walking towards
him
.
Wearing an impeccable white dress. Hair in an elaborate updo. A transparent veil covering her face.
Tears on her cheeks. Radiant smile on her face.
He was also smiling widely, trying to hide the sadness in his eyes.
He only realised it was real when she was next to him.
When he took her hand.
And took her to the altar.
When he realised he was in a church, standing next to him. But he was only the best man.
This wasn't his wedding. He could wish all he wanted, but this wasn't his wedding.
He wanted to be anywhere else but here.
He didn't feel the burning jealousy until he saw him taking her hand.
He didn't really see him until he was standing next to him in a church.
He didn't see what he could've had, what had been offered to him a million times over the years until it was too late.
He didn't realised he had been in love all along, until love wasn't a possibility any more and he realised he would have to find a way to force it to lay dormant inside of him, along with the memories of shared moments and stolen intimacy.
Had he reacted earlier, he was sure he would've been victorious.
Had he reacted earlier, he could've had him.
Had he reacted earlier, he could've had
Javier
.
For Javier had been in love with him all along.
And he had been a foolish little boy.
A foolish little boy that had thought he had forever.
And now realised, the world goes on.
Even if Yuzuru was now forever stuck loving a married man that had loved him back all this time, but had gotten tired of waiting for him.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The melody seems to separate into individual notes that vibrate together and intertwine one last time before getting lost in the air, leaving a trail of melancholy behind.
The singer's voice is sad, almost quiet at times, his accent helping communicate the feeling behind the words more than the word themselves ever could. The low-pitched notes talk of times long gone, moments where everything was better, moments that the high-pitched notes cry out in despair for.
The figure on the ice, all powerful lines and sad colours, covered in a veil of fragility and pain, reveals its soul's laments, death shadowing every movement.
Javier is gone.
Javier is never coming back.
It's never going back to the way it was before.
The melody gets more franctic, as the singer lets his pain be known, broken voice and dramatic instrumental backing the feeling, and the figure on the ice moves faster, in time with his heart, that beats a cursed beat, the beat of someone that will not know what love is because their heart already belongs to someone that can no longer love them back.
He's the reason he can't have all that was there for him to grab and hold onto. Now, all he has left is to melt, become one with the ice he now strokes like a lover would stroke the skin of the person that holds their heart. He strokes the ice like he knows he will until death claims him, however long or short that wait might be.
He has the feeling he has a long life ahead of himself. One full of toxic memories and what ifs.
He's gone.
The music slows down, but his skating grows in speed, a furious race full of guilt, shame and resentment. Hating the world, hating the ice, hating the people that force him to hide who he really is and be locked in a glass cage, there on display, for everyone to see and inspect, but never to touch, but more than anything, hating himself, for not seeing the true, for not grabbing the chance of keeping one of the few things that made him happy to live his life while he could.
He will go on, because that's what's expected of him.
To fight, to thrive, to win, to conquest.
But Javier is gone and now he doesn't really care about most things.
He doesn't care about the lightness of the sky that's starting to lose its darkness to become blood red with sunrise, as it filters through the big glass windows that are at the end of the rink.
He doesn't care about the rink they both had shared when they were younger, dreaming together of ice, and medals, and greatness, their destinies tangled by that friendship no one had ever been able to explain. They should've fought all the time, they should've hated each other. Instead, they had become each others crutch as they stood at the top, together, trying to hold onto each other but knock each other down at the same time. The rink had seen their souls mature and expand, the ice knew their secrets.
The ice knew Yuzuru's secrets and pains, that he was carving into it that Friday night... Saturday morning.
And if that ice, hurt by the edge of his blades, could cry out its pain, it would've surely cried blood mixed with tears.
Because Yuzuru and the ice both would ache forever, nostalgy in every single step, missing Javier and his matching strokes.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I am going to sleep.
I'm ready to sleep. The day is almost done and so am I.
I am going to sleep.
I readied the suit, the one that doesn't really fit, that's the one I want to wear. It fits me just like this world fits me. Awkwardly, too large in some places and just wrong.
I am going to sleep.
I only want a few things with me. My bear, the necklaces, the bracelets, and a single red carnation.
I am going to sleep.
I'm turning the lights off, lying my head down, and closing my eyes.
I am going to sleep.
Constellations all around me. I wonder where I will fit up there. If I fit at all.
I am going to sleep.
Please leave me alone. I am finally ready to rest. I am finally ready to go.
I am going to sleep.
Do not be sad for me, for I am finally happy. I finally get to stop pretending. I finally get to let go.
I am going to sleep.
Oh,
And if he asks, tell him I'm no longer here. Tell him I loved him, but I'm gone and I'm never coming back.
I am going to sleep
I'm no prince, I'm no king, I'm no legend. I'm just a broken man, that's trying to fix it all.
I am going to sleep.
Finally.
I'm going to sleep.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
If I could turn back time, I would do things differently.
I would wait a little longer.
I would hold a little tighter. Hug a little warmer.
If I could turn back time, I would look at you while you laugh.
I would make you smile wider.
I would love you more.
If I could turn back time, seven years would last forever,
and forever would be reality, not just a promise I will never fulfill.
If I could turn back time, I would stop pushing you away,
I would pull you towards me. I would never let you go.
But I can’t turn back time.
She told me you’re no longer here.
She told me you loved me, but you’re gone, and you’re never coming back.
And all I’m left with is this tear-stained paper I’m writing this letter on.
All I’m left with is this letter you will never get to read.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Close my eyes.See the world.Actually rest.Stop thinking about it.That's all I want to do.
Close my eyes.
Grab the warmth.Wrap it around me.Never let it go.That's all I want to do.
Close my eyes.Run out of fights to fight.Run out of pains to feel.Run out of hurt to inhale.That's all I want to do.
Close my eyes.Feel that cold
against my skin.Know that I'm falling again.Prepare myself for one more battle.That's what I'm going to do.
Close my eyes.Wonder if I'll get it right this time.
Goodnight.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Quiet tears. Warm blankets.
The weight of an elephant disguising as a butterfly on his chest.
Nothing.
Longing looks,
glittery fabric.
Unanswered messages.
'Are you okay?'
~Seen
'Is the ice still mocking you?'
~Seen
'Please rest.
Don't do something stupid.'
~Seen
'Congratulations. I'm proud of you.'
~Seen
'I'm sorry.
I have to.'
~Seen
He has noticed.
He'd have to be daft not to.
That cold avoidance he restarted, has now grown into a snowstorm.
The ground between them is frozen. So is the distance between them.
And skating is his life, but he has no idea how to close the distance that separates them without slipping, and falling,
and getting hurt.
He just bites his lip,
and watches him charm public and snakes alike.
And cries inside.
Quiet tears. Frigid nights.
That feeling of what could be.
That feeling of what he could've had.
That feeling of what he gave up thinking it would always be there. That feeling of what he now knows is gone.
Loud cries. Red fists. Blood on the mirror.
Carnations were always his favourite flowers.
Javier should've given him all the carnations in this world.
Instead, he gave him up.
And now he'll have to live in the eternal winter that is left now that he's gone.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I used to dream of being free.
I used to dream of walking around the park through the falling leaves.
I used to dream of sitting in front of the window, hand in hand with him and staring at the night sky for hours.
I used to dream of watching the rain falling down, and the brightness of the lightning.
I used to feel.
I used to…
But the afternoons passed by, the storms came and went.
The autumn became winter.
And the light became darkness.
I no longer dream about walking around the park through the falling leaves.
I no longer dream about staring at the night sky.
I no longer dream about rainfall or lightning.
Because everything changed.
Smiles became tears.
And the light became darkness.
Happiness became shadows.
And the Olympus’ words made my Elysium into an eternal Tartarus.
I don’t walk around the park.
Or stare at the night sky.
Or watch the rainfall.
Because I can no longer see it.
I used to dream of being free, with him.
I used to dream of walking around the park through the falling leaves...
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Yuzuru smiled a little, waking up slowly.He turned around, opening his eyes to see.. Nothing.
Right.
It must’ve been a dream.
He must’ve dreamed of the gentle pat on his shoulder that he had woken up to so many times.There was no one to pat his shoulder until he woke up anymore.There was no one to watch him and hold him until he fell asleep.
There was no one to hug him without saying anything. Knowing he just needed the warmth of the embrace, the love in his touch.
He had tried, he really had.He had tried to leave their memories behind, all of them.He had succeeded for two years. He could pretend nothing happened, that he hadn’t lost anything.
Yuzuru had worried Javier would get hurt at first.He had been completely in love with Javier, ready to cut his heart out and hand it to Javier still beating, no questions asked.They had never needed questions to understand each other.
Too bad that, by not asking the questions, they had never gotten the answers they did need to get to stay by each other’s side.
The ice looked familiar, yet completely foreign.It taunted him.
‘Look at me,’ it said, ‘look at me and remember how different everything used to be.’
‘Look at me and remember what you will never have again.’
It was funny, if you really thought about it.Four years ago, he was on top of the world.He had the ice, the people, the medals… the love.He was careless and didn’t even consider anything could change.
Four years later, he was alone, betrayed by the ice he had given his life for, with no medal around his neck… without Javier by his side.
He had skated as if his success didn’t have an expiration date.He had loved completely unaware that his love had the exact same expiration date.
Yuzuru had met Javier under the bright lights of an ice rink, and he had lost him under the bright lights of another ice rink, right after he finished reciting a love poem to the ice, giving it his heart, instead of saving it for himself.How funny.He had lost him for the ice, yet the ice had betrayed him.
The sport had betrayed him.
Yuzuru smiled, scooting back until his back hit the wall.He smiled as the tears fell, looking at the door as if that would make it open and bring Javier back to him.
Yuzuru missed Javier like he never could’ve thought he would miss someone.He wanted to go back in time, to ask him to stay.He wanted to go back in time and scream, yell at himself, tell himself to be selfish, to beg Javier for more time, just a little, until he could drop everything to be with him.
He rubbed the tears off his cheeks, taking a deep breath.He was alone. He had chosen to be alone.
He was a stubborn idiot, but he needed to be strong.
Yuzuru smiled, closing his eyes, resting his wet cheek against his knee.He could dream a few more minutes.He could allow himself to go back.He could allow himself to be twenty-three again, on top of the world.With the man he loved next to him.With the world in the palm of his hand.
Just a few more minutes.
He could live in the past for a few more minutes.
And then he would start moving on.