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Changbin didn’t notice it at first, of course. Comeback meant a flurry of activities squeezed into one day with barely enough time to catch their breaths. It wasn’t like he was actively looking for it as well; it was a given. At least, it was supposed to be. Changbin had only noticed it when they finally had their first day off, the boys piling in the living room for a movie night. The rapper had chosen a spot by the wall, saving just enough space between him and the cold surface for the time when one young Australian boy would inevitably squeeze himself there. Only, said boy was already lying down on the floor, whispering with Jisung as the movie started. Changbin felt a little lost, blinking owlishly. “Hyung, move over. Minho hyung is going to fall off the couch.” Seungmin whispered, patting Changbin’s knee and effectively snapping him out of whatever daze he was stuck on. Apologizing under his breath, Changbin scoot closer to the wall, trying not to gawk at the sunshine twins giggling amongst themselves.
Why the heck is Felix so far away?
--Once Changbin noticed, he couldn’t stop seeing Felix everywhere, touching and hugging everyone. Everyone but him. A part of him wondered if he was just being dramatic; Felix was naturally clingy and affectionate, always doling out attention to the others. And that attention didn’t have a fixed target. The freckled boy would rotate between all the members, as if making sure that no one was left out from his warmth. It was why Changbin always scoffed when the members said that Felix clung to him the most; Felix clung to everyone. He had already lost count how many times he had seen Felix draped across Chan’s back or how many times he had walked in to Minho and Felix stretching way too close for comfort. But Changbin was an honest man and he could admit that he liked it when the members told him that Felix was like a koala to him. He liked having that koala on him and he could proudly say it. In his head. But now, it felt like Felix would always be hugging someone else that wasn’t him. Even their places for the current photoshoot were on opposite ends and Changbin was sure his neck was going to get longer by the amount of craning he’s done in the past few minutes. “Hyung, can you… like, be subtle?” Hyunjin whispered, amusement coloring his tone. “I know Felix is handsome but outright staring at him in a photoshoot isn’t really the way to go.”“I was not staring!” Changbin hissed, tearing his eyes from Felix and Minho making faces at each other. “And who says I’m staring at Felix? Maybe I’m staring at Minho hyung.”“Because you were burning holes at Seungmin’s back when he was piggybacking Felix earlier?” Hyunjin laughed at Changbin’s protests. “Save it, hyung. You only stopped because Chan hyung slapped you at the back of your head.”“So, that’s what it was.” Changbin mumbled. His eyes went back to Felix when he heard the younger laugh, only to find him watching Jisung do an octopus dance. “Jisung and Jjix have gotten closer, haven’t they?”Hyunjin scoffed. “You just noticed? But I guess that’s what being only one day apart does to you.” He grinned when Felix joined in on Jisung’s dancing, the other members surrounding them in joy. “They are cute together though. Dumb but cute.” Changbin went silent, freezing up at the word ‘together’ but not commenting on it. He watched as Minho jumped on Jisung, cooing as he pinched the younger’s cheeks while Seungmin did the same to Felix. Felix almost seemed to glow under the attention, wrapping his arms around his same aged friend. Changbin felt a pang in his heart and a cold draft by his side. Something felt missing.--Changbin jumped in his seat when the door to their studio slammed against the wall. Chan and Jisung weren’t any better; both of them had dropped the notebooks they had been writing on, Jisung almost slipping down the chair too. “Oops.” A deep voice said and Changbin felt his lips tugging up in a smile. “I brought food?” Felix said with a sheepish smile, closing the door gently behind him.“I’m starving! You really are psychic, Lixie!” Jisung exclaimed, jumping up to hug and Felix.Changbin reached for the hem of Jisung’s shirt, pulling him back. “Yah, watch it. He’ll fall over.”“Thanks, hyung.” Felix said with a shy smile, placing the food on their small table. “Come on, Chris. Eating time.” Chan stared at the notebook he had picked back up before eyeing the food Felix had brought. Changbin was about to grab the notebook from him when Felix had beaten him to it. Chan had, obviously, reached for his notebook, trying to pull it back but Felix was adamant in his hold. Changbin had to look away when the two of them started conversing in English, voices quiet and soft. It somehow felt private and even Jisung was staring at his food like it was the best thing he had laid his eyes on. But maybe that was just Jisung being Jisung. Changbin sighed in relief when Chan finally put his notebook down and reached out for the bowl of jjajangmyeon. Felix had pulled up a chair, grabbing the pack of chips and opening it. Changbin eyed the unhealthy snack, snickering under his breath and shaking his head at Felix’s questioning gaze. He just had to remember to leave some food aside for the younger later. Jisung started talking about the writing block he was having in his lyrics, prompting Chan to look at them over. Changbin rolled his eyes; they were supposed to be taking a break, for Pete’s sake. Nevertheless, he found himself leaning forward as well, going over what Jisung had written so far. Soon enough, their food got ignored in favor of working on the lyrics, the three of them writing and re-writing over the words already written there. “Oh, love, I didn’t mean to ignore you. Oops, I meant, we.” Jisung said, confusing Changbin.“Love?” Changbin repeated dumbly.Felix chuckled, shrugging. “It’s fine, love. I’m used to it.”The concealed sadness in Felix’s voice touched Changbin, making him sit up straight. “Jjix…”“Well, I think that means we’ve worked enough now, right?” Chan said, wrapping an arm around Felix and tugging him close. “Don’t want our baby to think we’re taking him for granted, right?”Felix giggled as Chan pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Shut up, Chris!” Jisung had let out a loud laugh, rolling his chair closer to the two and had proceeded to tickle Felix. As expected, the younger Australian let out a scream, falling off his chair as he laughed. Jisung was relentless in his pursuit, crawling down to continue his attack. Felix was starting to get red by all the laughing he’s been doing and Changbin, taking a pity on him, had pulled him up, blocking Jisung with one hand. “Let him breathe, Sung.” Changbin chastised, petting Felix’s head as the younger attempted to catch his breath.Jisung pouted, reaching for Felix. “I just wanna hug my love.”“What is with this ‘love’ thing?” Changbin grumbled, pushing Jisung back.Jisung smirked, the look a little too evil for Changbin’s taste. “Lixie here has agreed to be my love. That’s our pet name for each other now.”“I didn’t agree. You just started calling me that and wouldn’t talk to me until I called you love as well.” Felix retorted, laughing at Jisung’s offended face.“Yeah, we know Jisung’s is forced but you are my baby, right?” Chan said, reaching down as if to engulf Felix in a hug.“Woojin hyung calls him baby too!” Jisung argued.“What?” Changbin asked, feeling a little dumb. Did everyone have a pet name for Felix?“The hyungs are just being dumb.” Felix said.“Jeongin calls you sunshine hyung though.” Jisung mumbled. Changbin stared at Felix, watching the red spread across the younger’s cheeks. He didn’t need to ask to know that the other was pleased with the nickname. Changbin couldn’t say it didn’t suit Felix; the freckles on the younger rapper’s face was just another proof for that name. But that wasn’t the point. Why did everyone have a nickname for Felix but him? “When did this nickname giving become a thing?” Changbin asked, tone a little sharp if Chan’s frown was any indication.Jisung rolled his eyes. “It had been going for a while now but because you only hang out with Hyunjin, you wouldn’t know.”Changbin frowned, shaking his head. “I don’t only hang out with Hyunjin. What are you talking about? Wait, does Hyunjin have a nickname for you too?”Felix grinned sheepishly as he nodded his head. “Yeah, he calls me kitten.” He must have misunderstood the frown on Changbin’s face because he started apologizing. “I’m sorry. I know it’s dumb and all. You don’t have to give me one, hyung. It’s fine.” Changbin’s frown deepened. That wasn’t what he was thinking at all but he didn’t get a chance to protest when Jisung loudly demanded cuddles. Changbin tried not to stare at how fast Felix complied, the two settling on Jisung’s previous seat with ease and curling up to one another on that small space. “You okay, Bin?” Chan asked, eyeing him knowingly.Changbin nodded, tearing his eyes away from the pair. “Just… Just remembered something.”--The nickname thing was starting to get on Changbin’s nerves. He hadn’t heard anyone but him call Felix by his name these past few days and it was driving him insane. It didn’t help that Minho, of all people, had chosen to call Felix ‘honey’, repeatedly using the pet name even with the smallest things in his greasiest tone. “I’m so tired.” Felix announced as they got home, dragging his feet to the couch. “Someone cuddle me!” He was met by a grumble of protests. Changbin let out a put upon sigh, waiting for the younger to call out his name. It had always been like that; he’d act like he didn’t like cuddling the younger. But Changbin knew that a tired Felix meant an even clingier Felix and he had already gotten used to holding the younger as he listened to the other’s breathing even out in a flash. “Hyuuuung, I said, cuddle me!” Felix exclaimed, getting off the couch. Changbin prepared himself to be jumped on, even closing his eyes as he waited. But nothing happened. He opened his eyes to see Felix jumping on Hyunjin instead. Hyunjin, the little demon, turned and gave Changbin a smug smile while holding onto Felix’s legs, hiking him up so he wouldn’t fall. Changbin’s eyes narrowed as he watched Felix sigh in satisfaction, even going as far as pressing a kiss on Hyunjin’s neck. Then, Jisung suddenly jumped on the two, shortly followed by Seungmin and resulting to a heap of laughter and curses. Sorting themselves out, Hyunjin pulled on Felix’s hand who was holding Jisung who was holding Seungmin and the rest of the group watched as their 2000 line headed to the rooms, presumably to cuddle somewhere softer. “Did I do something to Felix?” Changbin wondered out loud. He would have hated how he sounded but it had been weeks since the last time Felix had initiated any form of skinship with him and seeing the younger choose someone else when he was right there, when that had been Changbin’s role, hurt more than he wanted to admit.Woojin sighed, patting Changbin’s shoulder. “You didn’t do anything, Binnie.”“Then why won’t he come to me anymore?”Woojin and Chan exchanged a look before Chan spoke up. “Just think of it as Felix wanting to bond with the others. Jisung had been pestering him about a 2000 line cuddle pile but Felix wanted to be with you.” Did that mean that Felix didn’t want him anymore? Changbin couldn’t help but wonder. Still, he accepted the explanation with a curt nod, settling himself down on the couch. Minho settled on his other side, throwing an arm around him for comfort. Jeongin had plastered himself on Changbin’s other side as well. It was touching and Changbin was thankful; he still missed Felix’s presence though. “You could, you know, be the one to initiate the skinship for once, Bin.” Minho commented, playing it a little too casual for Changbin not to get suspicious.“I can’t.” Changbin said, shaking his head. He didn’t have the courage to do that when Felix was still approaching him even more now that Felix felt miles away.Jeongin frowned, brows furrowing as he thought about something. “But didn’t Felix hyung say…”“Quiet, Jeongin. It isn’t our place to meddle.” Woojin admonished in a gentle tone. He patted the youngest’s thigh. “Come on. Time to go to bed.”Changbin pulled on Minho’s arm as the older got up. “Hyung, what did Jeongin mean? What did Felix say?”The fact that it took Minho a long time to answer bothered Changbin. It looked like the older was really thinking of what to say. “Just… Felix being himself… insecure and all.” Minho said cryptically, which wasn’t helping at all. It seemed like Minho took pity on him when the dancer sighed. “I’m not going to say it, Bin. That’s between the two of you. I’m just saying, maybe you need to take a leap of courage sometimes?” With one last pat on Changbin’s head, Minho left for his bedroom, leaving Changbin more confused than ever. Changbin couldn’t get the words out of his head. It was between the two of them, him and Felix. So he had done something? Said something? The rapper racked his brain for anything, anything at all that he had done to the younger, combing through his memories to see what went wrong. What did he do? “Minho didn’t really help at all, did he?” Changbin sighed, nearly forgetting that their leader was still in the room. “Please just tell me, hyung. I’m going to die of curiosity here.”Chan hummed. “Are you that bothered? It isn’t like Felix has stopped talking to you.”“I know. But still…” Changbin bit his lip. “Can’t you just tell me, hyung? If Felix is gonna forgive anyone for telling, it’ll be you.”Chan laughed. “That’s abuse of power, mate.” He switched back to Korean. “Is it really that bad? Not having him cling to you?”And how was Changbin supposed to answer that? Would Chan understand it if he said that it felt like a phantom limb was gone from his body? That he felt too light without Felix’s comforting weight to ground him? That Changbin had no idea how much he was used to it, to Felix being by his side all the time that he had no idea how much he relied on that connection, on those moments until they were so suddenly pulled away from him? Chan was still looking at him expectantly, waiting for an answer but Changbin couldn’t find the words to explain what he was feeling. Nothing felt like they would be enough to express what it was he wanted to say. So he had to settle for a shrug. “Just feels weird is all.” Changbin mumbled, feeling like that was the understatement of his life.Chan nodded, as if he could hear the words that Changbin couldn’t say. “Yeah, I guess it does.” Chan said in that quiet, understanding tone of his. “You know who actually said something helpful though? Woojin.” What did Woojin even say? Not to meddle? That was it? Changbin opened his mouth to ask for a better explanation when Chan announced that it was time for bed, saying it loudly probably so the 2000 line could hear it as well. The announcement was met by sounds of protests from that room and Changbin could hear them squabbling even through the door. Chan got up with a heavy sigh, presumably to sort things out in that room and once again leaving Changbin alone with his thoughts. The next morning was met with Woojin screaming that they were late because their human alarm a.k.a Hyunjin hadn’t bothered to wake them up. The rest of the group barged in their room, finding the four of them still asleep with their limbs all tangled together. Jisung was sleeping on top of Felix’s chest, curled up into a small ball with Seungmin behind him, one arm under Felix’s head with his hand even tangled in the Australian’s hair. Hyunjin was on Felix’s other side, chin perched on top of the younger’s head while his arm was slung across the others’ torsos. “I… I’ll take a shower first.” Changbin said, throat tightening up as he fled the room. His eyes met with Minho’s for a brief second and he tried not to see the pity behind them. Tried.--Changbin couldn’t take it anymore. He had been tossing and turning on his bed all night but he still couldn’t sleep. Tonight was going to mark day 3 since the last time he had slept. The other two nights hadn’t been that bad; he had watched a series the first night and he had written a new track last night. They were wonderful and productive and he managed to sneak a nap in between. But today had been a full schedule, even running late to one of their shoots that they had to skip lunch and content themselves with sneaking bites when the cameras weren’t facing them. They didn’t have any down time until they got home. But even dead on his feet, Changbin still couldn’t fall asleep. Heaving a loud sigh, Changbin got out of bed and left for the kitchen. Maybe a glass of warm milk would help. His brain stuttered over another thing –someone—that could probably help him but he pushed the thought away even when it hurt his heart to do so. Maybe it was how tired he was or maybe his mind was finally catching up but Changbin could admit how much he missed Felix’s presence and how much it hurt when the younger would constantly hug the other members, especially Jisung, but never Changbin. “Hyung, what are you doing?”Changbin raised his head slowly, fatigue weighing down on his body as he met the eyes of the man that had constantly been in his thoughts. “Jjix…”“Hyung, you should sleep.” Felix said in disapproval. “Don’t try and hide that you haven’t slept in days, hyung. I know you better than that.”“If you know me so well then why aren’t you in my bed, cuddling me right now?” Changbin blurted out before he could properly think about it. Felix’s jaw dropped at the statement, looking adorably confused as he stared at Changbin and it only made Changbin ache for him more. Blaming everything on his fatigue, Changbin stepped closer to Felix, cornering the younger against the door of the refrigerator before slowly wrapping his arms around the lean frame. It was embarrassing the way Changbin simply melted the moment Felix hugged him back, the sense of coming back home so strong that the rapper found himself tearing up. And when the younger pressed a tentative, almost shy kiss on the side of Changbin’s head, the dam broke and Changbin found himself sobbing, biting his lip to keep himself from making too much noise. “What did I do, Lix? The hyungs wouldn’t say what it was but… please. Tell me. Tell me and I’ll fix it. I’ll make it right. Please stop staying away from me. Please, Lix. Please.” Changbin sobbed, clutching onto Felix’s shirt.“Hyung…” Felix said, sounding a little shocked, a little confused. “Hyung, you didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t have to fix anything. Please stop crying.”“If I didn’t do anything wrong, then why won’t you hug me anymore? You won’t cuddle me anymore or demand piggybacks or cling to me! You do that to everyone else but me! You kiss Jisung on his cheeks so much I’m convinced he’s trying to fatten up just so you won’t tired of kissing his cheeks. I barely see you without Jisung draped on you or you draped on him! I…! Damn it, Felix! That was my spot! You did all that with me before but you went and replace me with Jisung! Why?!” Changbin exclaimed, not caring if his voice was getting too loud for that time of the day. He just needed to know Felix’s answer. Felix was visibly flustered, trying to lean back as much as he could in the limited space. There was a visible flush across his features, freckles standing out against the pink of his skin. He was so beautiful and goddamn it, Changbin was supposed to be angry at him. He watched as a number of emotions played out in Felix’s features before it settled on determined. Steeling himself for whatever it was, Changbin stepped back, already missing Felix’s warmth but he had to hear what the younger had to say. Felix frowned, reaching for the hem of Changbin’s shirt before speaking. “You never initiated anything, hyung. You never started anything, never responded. I was starting to feel like you were just enduring it not to offend me. You obviously didn’t like it and I didn’t want you to feel bad about the entire thing. So I just, uhm, stopped on my own?” Felix’s words were like cuts on Changbin’s skin; they pierced and hurt in all the right places and Changbin was left just as speechless as the younger.
You didn’t do anything, Binnie.
Changbin didn’t think that this was what Woojin and Chan meant. But they were right, weren’t they? Changbin had never done anything to reassure Felix, to make the younger feel appreciated. He always acted like he was suffering whenever he was jumped on. But that’s what it all was: an act. He didn’t think that Felix would take it seriously. Felix’s nervous habit of blabbing was back again and he hadn’t taken Changbin’s silence well. “And uh, I may have cried in front of the others about it? It was really embarrassing so I’m glad you went home that weekend! Ha ha. Anyway, Jisung, well, you know him. He cried with me and said that I could just go to him whenever I felt like cuddling you. Because he would never turn me away.” Another tear fell from Changbin’s eye as he heard the last sentence. He didn’t think it was a big deal when he brushed Felix off; there was never a shortage of boys who wanted to cuddle the younger. He had never taken into account how Felix would feel. “Why didn’t you ask me first, you idiot? I’m sorry, Lix.” Changbin mumbled, stepping closer to the younger. “I didn’t… I never…. Ugh, why is this so hard?!” He groaned, leaning his head on the space beside Felix’s. “I wasn’t just enduring it. I never hated it. No matter how much you cling to me, I’d always want you to do that. I don’t want you to ever leave my side. It felt so weird, so so weird not to have you beside me. Something felt missing, Lix. You were missing.”“Hyung…” Felix said, voice a little deeper than before.Changbin pulled back, standing on his toes a bit to lean his forehead against Felix’s. “I was so close to pushing Jisung away from you today. I didn’t care if the fans saw. I just wanted you by my side again. You belong there, beside me. I’m always cold without you. You’re my sunshine, baby. And fuck all the pet names they gave you. If Jeongin or Chan hyung has a problem with me calling you that, they can bring it up with me. What do you want me to say, Jjix? I’d say anything to get you back. Cuddle me? Hug me? Kiss me? What do you want to hear?”Felix gaped at him for a few moments before he chuckled, pulling Changbin closer to him and letting his hands rest on the older’s hips. “Well, a ‘please’ would be nice.” He said cheekily.“Ass.” Changbin snorted, grinning as he felt the vibration of Felix’s laughter shaking through him.--Changbin yawned loudly, snuggling closer to Felix. It wasn’t like there was any more space to eliminate, seeing at how closely pressed they were already. Changbin could already feel the tendrils of sleep pulling him under but a part of him didn’t want to sleep and just bask in Felix’s presence for a little while longer. “Hyung, you keep yawning but not sleeping. Are you sure you don’t want Gyu?” Felix whispered, keeping his voice quiet as respect for their sleeping leader. Changbin tipped his head back, looking at his stuffed toy perched at the edge of his bed. Felix had wanted to give Gyu the moment they laid down but Changbin insisted that he didn’t need Gyu, that Felix would be more than enough to lull him to a peaceful sleep. Changbin grinned at the blush that spread across the younger’s cheeks. Shaking his head resolutely, Changbin muffled another yawn against Felix’s collarbone. “I don’t want to sleep yet, Lix. I’m fine.”Felix huffed, trying to remove his arms around the older. “You said you wanted to sleep so you asked for a cuddle. If you’re not going to sleep, then I’m going back to my room.”In a flash, Changbin had flipped them over, caging Felix against the bed and propping himself up on his elbows. “You are not leaving me and going back to Jisung.” Changbin growled.The younger’s eyes were comically large, blinking slowly. The surprise look slowly melted into a small smirk as Felix wrapped his arms around Changbin’s neck. “I think someone’s a little jealous of my love.”“Quit it.” Changbin let out a breath, lowering himself on the younger. “My love.” The rapper said mockingly. “Your pet name is stupid. All of them. Your pet names are stupid.”“You’re just jealous that you don’t have one for me.” Felix said, rolling his eyes. He started carding his fingers through Changbin’s hair, tugging on the ends slightly. “Aren’t you going to give me one?”Changbin hummed, his earlier bout of jealousy tiring him out and Felix’s ministrations are making him melt. “Hm, is there any name that they haven’t taken yet?”“I don’t know.” Felix mumbled. “Woojin and Chan hyung had to share baby already.”Changbin pinched the younger’s side, smirking when Felix yelped. “Can’t believe you gave them that. I already call you that. Sunshine too.”“Yeah as if anyone can say no to Jeongin.” Felix retorted. “Whatever. You can just call me Felix since no one calls me that anymore apparently.”“Don’t remind me.” Changbin groaned. “Anyway, shut up. I want to sleep now.”“Real romantic, hyung.” Jisung practically jumped on Felix the next morning, whining that he missed his cuddle buddy last night and gave Changbin a slight glare. Changbin didn’t hesitate to glare back. Chan gave him knowing looks while the others just smiled at him. The atmosphere seemed brighter than it had in a while and Changbin grinned as he walked up to Woojin. Glancing at Felix, Changbin saw that Jisung and Minho were trying to squish the younger between them and he couldn’t help himself from frowning when Jisung kissed Felix, a little too close to the lips than Changbin would have liked. Clearing his throat loudly, Changbin turned to the others. “I’m feeling a little cold. I could use a cuddle right now, boyfriend.”“Boyfriend?” Seungmin repeated, turning to Felix.“Yes, MY boyfriend.” Changbin looked directly at Felix. “Won’t you cuddle me, boyfriend?” He said, opening his arms.“C-coming!” Felix exclaimed, nearly tripping on his feet as he disentangled himself from Jisung and Minho. Changbin would be lying if he didn’t have a shit eating grin when Felix ran into his arms while Jisung sat on the ground, looking thoroughly confused. Feeling like a child, Changbin even stuck his tongue out, chuckling when the younger rapper rolled his eyes at him. “Boyfriend? Really? Is that the best pet name you could come up with?” Felix whispered, breath tickling Changbin’s ear.Changbin chuckled. “It was either that or mine. Your pick.” Felix’s reply was a muffled scream and pressing Changbin even closer to him. Changbin could feel the happiness radiating from the younger and the rapper felt immensely proud of being the reason behind it. And if the two of them spent the entire day connected one way or another, then, well, Jisung could complain about it for all Changbin cared. All that mattered was that Felix was finally back by Changbin’s side, and hopefully, would stay there for a long time.