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A phone buzzed nearby. The room was dark, and it's green walls were devoid of photos or posters or art, like it's predecessor had sported.Nearby, a boy laid in bed, his hoodie green and his eyes heavy and red.Red.How he hated that color.He remembered when it had been a color of friendship, a color he could trust..A color of love.He sighed gently, hearing the sound of paws clawing at his door. He ignored it. Usually, he would invite the cat, giving her his love and attention as usual. But he couldn't bring himself to do that, at least, not now.Only three weeks had passed since they had their house utterly destroyed, and a week since they had moved into their apartments. Edd hadn't been handling it well, to say the least. So many memories were destroyed, tainted by that.. that monster he couldn't believe he used to call 'friend.' Call... Call...
Call...
When would that incessant buzzing noise stop?!
He sat up and picked up the phone from his nightstand. It was Tom, probably asking if he was okay or if he had eaten or cried today.He didn't want to lie, so he let the damn thing go to voicemail.As the screen closed, it opened on something he didn't think he'd ever want to see again. His messages with Tord. His breath caught in his throat. Why was it left on there? He hadn't tried to do anything related to contacting Tord ever since the incident, so why was it there?...He stayed silent, staring at the messages. Things about him coming back were the last things the two had discussed on there.
"So, you'll be coming back in March?"
"That's great!"
"I can't wait to see you again!"
Poor, stupid, naive Edd. How could he have ever known what was to come? What was to be lost, destroyed, broken?He looked down at the keyboard on the phone.He never would respond if he sent anything, he knew that in his heart. But he wanted answers, or at least to get the message to him.If he was still alive, that is.He began to type.
"Hi.
it's.. been a while, hasn't it?
since you left.
do you have any idea of what you've done to me, Tord? do you? I haven't slept in weeks. I've barely eaten. I'm fucking dehydrated because I can't stop crying, and I can't bring myself to get up to get water or cola.
You've ruined me. You ruined how I felt for you. Did you know what I was going to tell you, the day you destroyed our house? I was planning to tell you that I loved you. that I CARED for you, more than you might've known. I was hoping you would feel the same, but who would do such a thing if you fucking felt the same?
... even after everything, I still sort of want you. It makes me feel awful when I think of you. It's like a hollow pain in my chest, but mixed with a longing to see you again. To hear your voice. Have you near me. But I guess I can't have that, can I?
I don't even know if you're still alive. I remember when you said you wanted a kickass party when you died, and that you didn't want any of us to be sad, because you'd haunt us if we did. Seems like you're haunting me now, huh?
I went up to that hill, where I saw you land. All I found was blood, tiretracks, and scraps of that damn robot. It still had the harpoon it it. I saw blood on the spear.
So here I am. Crying in my room, telling you this. Telling you I love you, telling you I'm ruined, telling you I still want you here, and knowing I shouldn't keep these emotions, or even typing this now.
But I still want you to know everything I've said here. Okay?
I love you, Tord. I might not forgive you if you come back, but I'd let you if you did.
Goodbye.
-Edd"
He didn't proofread the message before he hit send.He set the phone back down gently, and rolled over slowly as he let his eyelids become heavy. He heard a "ding!" of a message reply. His heart sunk, yet spread warmth through his chest at the same time.He didn't want to reply, or even see if the message was from him. Because what was the use in shattering the illusion, when he needed one so badly?He smiled, watched as a few more tears slid down his face, and drifted off into a slumber of nothing.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The dim sunlight woke Edd up from his light sleep, the analog clock next to his lamp and phone reading out the time "6:12 AM" in bright red letters that hurt the brunette's weary eyes. His chest felt hollow and empty, and he couldn't bring himself to remember why.And then he looked at his phone.And he remembered the sound he had heard before he had drifted off.He stared after the device, his eyes blank as he considered something with no thoughts in his head at all. Snippets of his message would come to his drowsy mind.
You've ruined me.
I don't even know if you're still alive.
I love you, Tord.
He continued to stare. What had he been thinking?.. How could he had expected Tord to reply to such a thing?..He thought back to his original reasoning for leaving the message be, and grabbed the phone. The screen was blacker than usual, at least, to him.Illusions couldn't be kept, he knew. Even if he needed one. Even if he knew he couldn't take whatever he saw, even if it was a reply simply saying, "Hey." from Tom, and nothing else.He pressed the power button, and saw a notification.It was a message from Tord.Almost against his will, he disregarded the short message, and pressed on the white banner displayed on the screen.As it loaded, he already felt regretful. Did he feel the same? Was it from another friend the Norwegian had, telling him Tord was gone? Or was it--The message loaded.He began to read.
"Hey.
It has been a while. Hasn't it?
I should... probably just go ahead. No use in acting friendly at this point, I guess."
Another bubble of text began. His heart was already racing.
"There's no use in you forgiving me, especially after knowing what I've done to you. I know that. But.. this is still worth a shot."
"I'm sorry, Edd."
"I honestly have no idea what came over me. I got in that damned cockpit, and I lost my mind. I lost everything. I especially lost you.
You.. meant a lot to me, you know. Even then. Even as I tried to fly off and leave you.
Even now.
I love you too, you know. I really do. You're the only one I really regret hurting. Matt forgot me, Tom was.. Tom, but you?.. You were the same, sweet, amazing man I fell for years ago. I think that's what hurts the most, still feeling like this through everything.
My words mean nothing, and they do no good for what I've done. But I want you to know that I am so fucking sorry for everything, and I love you more than you could possibly comprehend."
"....."
"I want you to do something for me."
"I want you to get up, and get some water for yourself. Talk to Matt and Tom about anything that isn't me. Eat something, watch some tv, and get a good night's rest."
"And make a decision, if you can."
"If you want me back, if you really want me to come to you, then tell me. Just say, "come back," and I will. As long as you're certain, even if you want to see me again just to beat the shit out of me, or talk, or really fix everything between us, I'll return."
"...but... if you never want to hear from me again, say nothing. All I ask in return is one simple thing;"
"Forget me."
"Forget everything you can about me. Find a replacement for me, do whatever you can to make me nothing more than a shitty old memory you can barely recall."
"I don't want to be a burden on you, Edd. I never did. And thinking of you, wherever you are, feeling this fucking heartbroken over me?.. It's too much to handle."
"Either way, I want to make sure you never feel like that again, whichever one you choose."
"All I can say anymore is that I'm sorry.
That I'm a sorry, stupid sack of shit that doesn't deserve anything from you.
And that I'll always love you, no matter what.
-Tord"
Tears streamed down Edd's cheeks. His heart raced, and the phone shook from his trembling hands.There was no denying anything anymore.He loved him.He re-read one of the messages. "If you want me back.."Back.Back
Back.
He wanted him back, more than anything. He couldn't fight it.He lifted the phone up again, so he could see better with his blurry, tear-filled eyes.He began to type, and as he did, he knew everything would be okay. Everything would be alright, at least, it would one day, no matter what would happen after the other saw this.He pressed send, and smiled as he read his last message to him. It filled him with a small hope, even with the hollowness that had been there earlier."I want you back, Tord.
More than anything."