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This was the only time it could happen. All of the Avengers were either gone on missions or on leave. Steve had almost been apologetic when he'd told him to stay.'Sit this one out Buck,' He'd said lightly, but Bucky could sense the strain in his voice. Steve knew that something was off with his friend. That he wasn't reliable.That he needed something.It was just wrong for Steve Rogers to assume that Bucky Barnes, after all this time, needed a little rest. Bucky had had rest in Wakanda. He'd healed. Most of his past life was ghosts of bad memories that he was coming to terms with on the daily. He'd never be rid of them, but they no longer controlled him. Not really.But despite all that, this needed to be done. So he allowed it. He smiled that cocky, patented Bucky Barnes smile that he knew melted Steve to the core and told him he had plenty in his Netflix queue to catch up on anyways. Blue eyes shimmering, Steve had kissed him on the forehead (Sam had groaned, Bucky had stuck his tongue out at him), and then he, Sam, Wanda, and Vision had gone.The compound was quiet. Almost too quiet.Bucky allowed himself five minutes to breathe. It had to be now. Now or never. No one was home. It would be better when it was all over, he just knew it.Hastily he scrambled to the quarters that he and Steve shared. There were two bedrooms, mainly for decorum. Ever since he had come home from Wakanda, they had always shared a bed. Not that it had always been sexual. That took time. And god, Steve treated him with kid gloves in that aspect.It took him less than thirty seconds to close and lock the door to the part that contained his 'room', to shutter the blinds, and to strip the bed. This would be the easiest. This would be the least messy way.He made quick work of rolling the sheet into a thin strip and slid from his t-shirt and sweats. In a way, it almost felt more natural to be naked. Quickly, he picked up his sheet and made his way to the closet.It was a walk in closet because Tony Stark never did anything small, even though Bucky didn't have enough to fill up even a fifth of it. Nat was always trying to take him shopping, but he didn't feel comfortable in the open. Not yet.Maybe not ever. At least now he could buy things without ever having to set foot out of the compound.Internet. So helpful. The only thing he had added to the closet was a pull up bar, strong enough for his weight. His new arm was much lighter than the one the Soviets had built, but was still pretty considerably heavy. Steve had laughed that he wanted the bar in there, after all, there were extensive gyms in the compound. But Bucky had glanced it off with mutterings that he didn't always want to work out around others and Steve had been sympathetic. Of course he had.Steve never pushed.Bucky grit his teeth.He closed the closet door and looped the makeshift bed sheet rope around the pull up bar. He started to knot it and his fingers trembled.Wait a minute. . ."FRIDAY?" He called out tentatively.He was awarded with an immediate Irish lilt. "How can I help you, Sergeant Barnes?"
FUCK.
Bucky licked his lips. "Are there cameras in this room?""As you are in the closet in your private quarters, there is no recording going on, Sergeant. The cameras only kick on when there might be a breach in security."Bucky frowned. That wasn't exactly a no. "FRIDAY? This is kind of private. Can, can you maybe not record for a half hour?"There is a moment of silence, and Bucky almost loses his nerve."Of course, Sergeant Barnes. Cameras off now."A sigh of relief passed his lips. He had to do this now. He might not get another chance.He kicked over a step stool and stood under the makeshift noose. He would never want anyone to see this. Stepping up, he pushed his head through the hole, and reached up to tighten the cloth around his neck. Once it was flush against his neck, he breathed out a sigh of relief.Almost.Tentatively, he set one foot off of the step stool. His feet still touched the ground if he stood on his tip toes.. The pressure on his neck made him go taut. YES.His cock was swelling, and he reached down to stroke it with his flesh hand. Only three strokes and he was leaking. Without thinking, he stepped all the way off the stepstool.It took him a moment to scrabble for purchase, awkwardly balancing on his toes. The lack of air made him feel light, but every pump in his fist set electric ripples up his spine.Whore. Slut. Bitch. Was it his voice? A past handlers'? It was easy to imagine Rumlow saying those words. The dark haired man had always known how to get his body to sing.With each stroke he could feel himself getting close. He strained at the bed sheet, closing his airway off completely. Like this, he could almost imagine a fist closed around his throat, subduing him, owning him-His eyelids flickered-There was a sharp electric sound and a smell of burning fabric, and suddenly, Bucky was sprawled on the floor. It took less than a second for him to jump up in a combative pose. Was the compound under attack? Why wouldn't FRIDAY tell him if it were?Tony was standing right in the doorway of the closet, dressed impeccably in a suit and shades, just one glove from his armor on and raised."Oof, Manchurian Candidate. I never knew you were a kinkster."
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Bucky stands there a moment, almost not comprehending what is happening. Tony has a relaxed stance, but he can see tension all throughout the man's frame. He's pretty sure the last time they were this close, just the two of them was when Zemo had given him the order to escape. He could have killed Tony then.Thank God he hadn't.Finally, his brain catches up to the words. ". . .What?""I mean, I thought I was coming back to you killing yourself, not trying to rub one out?" Tony states nonchalantly, gesturing at Bucky's nudity. But he still doesn't follow. It's as if Tony is speaking Greek to him. Maybe not Greek. Some language he didn't have a grasp of the fundamentals of. "Killing?""Which by the way, would be incredibly shitty of you. Can you even imagine-" Tony pauses briefly, seeming to change course with his words. "-just how much those sheets cost? We'd have to get rid of them. It'd give anyone the heebies if they knew they were sleeping on thousand count pima cotton suicide sheets."He blinks as the words finally hit home. "You think I'd kill myself?" Bucky states slowly, straightening slightly. God, that, that was the farthest thing from his mind. He hadn't ached for death since. . .Since Bucharest. Since shitty nights of no sleep and not knowing how to handle himself, to wanting to sink into the earth and be gone-The other man must have noticed his discomfort. Tony shifts. "Look, T-800, I don't know what you're capable of-""Here? In the place I share with Steve?" There was a tinge of hurt, of anger in his voice now. He could see Tony swallow visibly. Stark was still afraid of him, to an extent. "You think I would ever kill myself anywhere where Steve could find me?"Tony puts a hand up. "Hey, can we keep this civil? And maybe can you put some pants on? I mean," Tony makes a low whistle. If Bucky had any shame about his nude body, he would be blushing. But he doesn't. It had been beaten out of him too long ago. He stalks out past Tony to get to his pants. The other man, to his credit doesn't flinch away when he brushes past him. Bucky knows that Tony doesn't fully trust him, hell, doesn't fully like him. But at least he's trying.Still, Tony won't stop watching him and just to push the point home that he hasn't been welcomed in this space, Bucky takes his time bending over to pull up his sweats over the taut globes of his ass. His super soldier hearing can hear an audible swallow. Maybe Stark didn't completely hate him after all.He turns, face a neutral mask. "FRIDAY said-"With a snort, Tony gives him a lopsided grin. "Please. There are a lot of things that Friday says. Ultimately, I'm notified of any suspicious behavior." Tony holds up a finger. "Which, before you ask, waiting until everyone leaves the compound to cobble together a makeshift noose with what you have is suspicious as fuck."With a groan, Bucky sits back on the unmade bed. "That's. .. that's not the place that I'm in now. I don't want to die."Stark watches him a moment, and sighs. He takes a step closer, looks at the bed like he's thinking of sitting next to him, and instead opts for leaning against the wall. "You talked to your therapist about this?" He motions to the closet.Bucky chokes out a laugh. "What?" He grits out, and Tony rolls his eyes."Look man, I'm not gonna assume. Oh wait, I am. I found you in a closet rubbing one out while constricting your airflow. You want some kinky shit.""Stop it." Bucky looks at the floor, wishing that this would just end."And I'm guessing you're too ashamed or something to tell Rogers-"His head jerks up at that. "I'm not-""Really?" Tony's eyebrow raises. "I can't really imagine Capsicle using paddles and blindfolds in the bedroom. Or strangling you mid coitus for that matter."Now Bucky does blush."That's none of your damn business." He grits out."For fucks sake, it is my business, if you end up killing yourself in the Avengers compound over a little pleasure!" Tony groans, throwing his hands up in mock irritation. "Can you imagine the PR nightmare?"Bucky is silent for a moment. "You seem to know a lot about the subject."Stark's sunglasses are tinted, but Bucky can see the other man's pupils shift and look away. "What can I say? I've been a pretty popular guy."He has so many questions. But none of them are appropriate.It doesn't stop them."So, do you do what I just did?"Tony gives him a grim smile. "You really want to know? My life is an open book, pal. Yeah. I did it a couple times. But the glamour of it wore off after I zipped through a dimensional portal and actually stopped breathing." Tony almost looks sad. "Nothing like death to kill your kinks."The brunette looks at his feet. He wants to tell Stark he's lucky. That pleasure and pain were ingrained into his body, it was the one thing that the Wakandans couldn't get out. The amount of times he had stopped breathing. . . that first sweet, fiery rush of air back into his lungs. His cock twitches in his sweats but he makes no move to cover it."Yeah. I guess."There's a moment before Tony starts in again."Tell me, do you and Steve. . .?"Bucky looks up at him, an eyebrow raised. "Are you asking about my sex life?""No, I'm asking about your kink life." Tony states matter of factly.A bark of a laugh rips out of his throat. "Jesus, Stark, that's a joke.""Well, of course it is, but I had to ask." Tony's voice turns serious. "Look, if you're not fulfilled-""Steve is great in bed. Let me just say that."He can see Tony roll his eyes behind the shades. "I know he is. But he's not fulfilling you is he?""It's none of your-" Bucky turns, slack jawed to stare at Stark. "Wait, what?"Tony stares straight at him."What?""You know he is? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Bucky's blood runs cold."It means," Tony stated coolly, "What it sounds like, Third Wheel."Suddenly he's reeling. "You had sex with Stevie.""Yeah, quite a few times. But don't worry, since you've come back into the picture he's been very much exclusively yours." The other man sounds nonchalant, but he can hear more behind the words. Anger. Hurt."But Pepper-""And I have an agreement, to which is none of your concern." Tony snaps, and Bucky drops it.His throat feels dry, but he has to know. "When. . . when was the last time?""Oh, he started getting distant around the Triskelion incident. I had my own shit to work through, he was in DC and honestly I thought he had a side bitch, but I guess it was you.""We didn't back then." Bucky whispered, staring at the floor."Would you remember if you did?" Tony asks, and Yes. No. "Yes.""Anyhow, he was pretty pissed at me after the whole Ultron thing. We only hooked up another time or two. And then," Tony finger guns at him. "The rest is history."Bucky is silent a long moment. Zemo had thrust him into the limelight. The Avengers had fought, Tony and Steve, once lovers, divided. Over him."Look-" Tony starts, but Bucky interrupts him"You must hate me.""Uh.""You must really hate me."Tony sighs. "Oh for fucks sake." Finally, he sits on the bed next to the brunette. "Yeah."The syllable is so soft that Bucky almost doesn't hear it."You killed my mom." Tony whispers, and he has to squeeze his eyes shut. "You killed my dad. And I know it was HYDRA making you do it and you were a tool and blah blah blah. But they're gone.Not only that, Steve fucking Rogers waltzes into my life. A guy that my dad gushed on about for all of my formative years. Told me he was the pinnacle of perfection. And I tried to hate him. And I couldn't. He was fucking sunshine.And you, Eeyore. You come back in the picture and you took my sunshine away." Tony laughs bitterly. "When he's fucking you, does his face swell with love, with pride? Does he kiss you gently all over your face and hold you like a treasure?"Stark stands abruptly, back to him. "I used to think that look was for me. Turns out it wasn't. It was your look all along. It was just on loan for me." He takes two steps towards the door. "Wait!" Bucky is standing, reaching out to Tony with his right arm, and Tony turns. He knows what's coming. He waits for the fist to connect with his face.Tony pulls the punch at the last second. He stands, glaring at the brunette. "You want to be punished, don't you?"Bucky swallows. "After everything you've told me about Steve, you deserve to get a hit in.""Oh how kind of you. You want to give me a freebie. Well, it doesn't work that way. You want someone to beat you up, choke you, so you can fantasize about it? Spar with Steve. Tell him. Don't try to pull me into your shit."Bucky winces, that wasn't-"Here's the thing Barnes," Tony states coolly. "I'm learning to forgive you. It's not easy. You've taken a shitload from me whether you meant to or not. And I know that most of it falls in the or not end of the spectrum. But Steve. . ."He can tell that Tony wants to say more, but the other man doesn't. Behind the lenses, those eyes are tired. Finally, he looks back up at him, resolved. "You'd better clean this place up. Red's gonna be here in fifteen minutes and I just know she's gonna want to go shopping with you." Tony looks at him with a dirty smile. "You really shouldn't make plans if you're gonna break them."With that, Tony stormed out the door. Bucky wanted to fume, but didn't have it in him.If Nat had been summoned to deal with him by forcing him outside, that was punishment enough.
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It's only after five stores that Nat agrees to a break. Maybe it's that she doesn't get the chance to play personal shopper for someone else very often, or maybe she genuinely enjoys Bucky's discomfort. Still, she's managed to get him to agree to several pairs of jeans, t-shirts, a cable knit sweater and an all black hoodie."Such variety in your wardrobe." She chides, taking a sip of her green tea latte. He looks her up and down. Nat's wearing a crimson v-neck shirt, black leather jacket, and tight blue jeans that fit into her calf high boots. She's stunning as always."You're one to talk." He mutters, taking a sip of his iced caramel macchiato. Next she'll lay into him about his drink choice. Besides, there's nothing wrong with how he looks, a navy blue cap, oversized gray hoodie, boot cut blue jeans and combat boots. It pays to not be flashy. Less people tend to stare at the guy who used to be a brainwashed murderer if they think he's a normal guy.Nat props her head on her hands and gives him a cheshire smile. "Come on James, I know you didn't really want to come out here for shopping and girl talk. What did you do to piss Tony off?"Bucky sighs. Of course she would ask. "What haven't I done to piss him off, Nat? The guy hates me. With good reason. Hell, I don't know why all of you don't hate me a little more.""God, be a little more melodramatic, why don't you? We all know the circumstances." She takes another drink. "Besides, Rogers would cry if we didn't like his boyfriend.""Jeez, Nat. I'm just stating the truth. I shot you. I killed Tony's parents. A fight over me injured Rhodey so badly that he had spinal damage. Clint and Scott were on house arrest and I still am pretty much a god damn fugitive. So, yeah. All things considered, I can see why people would hate me.""Water under the bridge, James. Besides, it's all in the past. Besides. You can't be held accountable for the things that HYDRA made you do while under their control.""Doesn't stop the fact that I did them." He states bitterly."Well you can be sorry that you did those things, and try to do better, but beating yourself up over it isn't going to help anyone. Least of all you." Nat takes a sip of her drink and stares matter of factly at him over the rim of her sunglasses. "Self pity isn't a good look on you."Bucky heaves a sigh and Nat rolls her eyes at him. "So melodramatic.," she murmurs in Russian.The corner of his mouth tugs up into a bitter smile. "A little emotion never killed anyone, myshka"Something sparkles in her eye at the pet name, and she watches him closely over the rim of her drink. Deftly, she switches back to English. "So are you going to tell me or am I going to have to take you back to the training room and beat it out of you?"Bucky blushes. "What a proposition."Nat taps a finger against her chin. "If Tony got involved, I'm sure it has something to do with Steve. Am I right?"Nervously, Bucky looks away."Not exactly.""C'mon Barnes, you're acting squirrely. It's not like Tony walked in on you guys or something did he?"Quickly Bucky takes a drag off his drink and looks away, fully knowing that he's turned beet red. Nat is silent long enough that he chances a glance at her. Her grin is positively wicked."Oh, for fucks sake, don't look at me like that.""What were you doing?""None of your business!""So. . . who was on top?"Bucky blanches. "Oh my god, Nat, he walked in on me. Alone.""Oh. And here I thought you'd scarred Tony for life.""That guy? Are you kidding?""Well, I mean, It would take a lot to scar that guy. He likes to think he's some sort of Don Juan.""I don't know why.""Oh, you don't feel the pull of the sad poor little rich boy?" Her tone is amused and she rolls her eyes.Bucky frowns. Sure, there was something about Tony, but the guy was way too full of himself for him to feel all that attracted to him. "No. Even if I did fall for that, the guy hates me. And I have a boyfriend, in case you've forgotten.""Okay, so he walked in on you doing something compromising. Something that upset him since he got me involved. Are you going to tell me, or. . .?"Bucky groans, flustered. "Geez, Nat, it was sex. It was private. It's not like we've ever been intimate. Don't you think it's a little awkward asking me about it?"She flips her hair and stares at him. "Oh, we've had sex. I'm kind of glad you don't remember it."Bucky chokes on his coffee. "We. . . did?""It was a long time ago."Bucky wracks his brain, but nothing comes to him. That time is. . . muddled. There's not much left of the time that he can remember. But he definitely can't remember that.All he can think of is one thing. "Did I hurt you?"Nat shrugs. "It was the Red Room, Barnes. It was never about my pleasure. But then again, it wasn't about yours either."He must stare at her too long, with too many questions. She sighs."It was training, for you and for me. There's nothing to be ashamed about. It's in the past."". . . I don't remember it at all.""That's good. The Red Room was. . . intense.""Was it. . . was there. . ." He doesn't know how to word it."Ask me anything about it. I'm not going to judge you. Let the people who haven't been through the things we have do the judging.""Was there. . . punishment?""Of course. You didn't do as you were told and-" she stares hard at him. "That's not what you mean. You mean Bondage?"He nods slightly."Of course. The Red Room was for everything. Everything you can imagine. All of the things you haven't even thought of. If it was possible, it was done there.""Did I?"Nat breathes slowly out of her nose. "James. In my entire time there, you were one of the only men that I ever saw go through Red Room training. That includes all of the extensive training. Why?"Bucky can't bring himself to look at her. "Do you like any of that stuff?""That's a very personal question, James.""Sorry." "As with anything, yes and no. I like some things. I don't like others. A lot of it I can't think about."His shoulders slump. "Ah.""Why?" "I think I'm broken, Nat. I'm still fucking broken."She stares at him for a long moment. "I doubt that.""I might not remember the Red Room, but I remember HYDRA. I remember some things. . . and I miss them."Nat watches him for a long moment. "There's nothing wrong with liking those things, as long as it's a healthy environment.""I know that.""HYDRA was not a healthy environment, James." He shoots her a wry look. "No, really? I hadn't figured that out." He rolls his eyes and sighs. "It's just. . .""Just what?"There's a moment of silence."Sometimes. . . after missions. There would be. . . they would." Bucky rakes a hand through his hair. "Fuck, how do I even say this."She watches him silently, waiting. That's one of the easiest things with Nat. She never pushes him more than he needs. She gives him the time that he needs to think about what he's going to say. She doesn't judge."They would, um. Use me." His voice comes out, barely a whisper. Nat's face doesn't change, but he can see something flicker behind her eyes. Had she read something in his files? Did she already know?"Is it something that you want to talk about?"His eyes dart around, gauging the amount of people in the room. A barista. A cashier. Two teens walking out the door with frappucinos. An older man with earbuds in, working on a computer. A gentle touch on his hand startles him back to the redhead in front of him."We can go somewhere else if you want."". . . Do you think. . . It's safe here?" He whispers, ashamed at how weak he sounds."I'd never bring you somewhere that wasn't. But if you want to leave-""Yeah. I think. Maybe the car. I just. . . it's embarrassing.""It's okay. I've dragged you around the mall long enough." She takes one last drag on her drink and stands. "Come on then."~*~*~*~*~Once they are in the safety of the car, she puts her hands in her lap and waits. He's thankful for that."Sometimes." He starts, hesitant, "After missions, the STRIKE team would. . . have what they called parties. Those weren't great. Those got out of hand." He shudders. "But sometimes it was just me and a handler, one on one. And sometimes. . ." He trails off."You'd have sex." Nat finishes for him. Bucky can only nod. "Sometimes, it would be rough, and he's do things that most people wouldn't consider very loving. But. . . I liked it. I don't know if I was conditioned to like it Nat. But I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about some of the things that he did to me. The way he made me feel. . .""I see." "How do I reconcile that? The fact that Rumlow made me feel so good, even though I was a prisoner? That I started looking forward to my times with him-""You cared about Rumlow." she states, not a question. He wants to curl in on himself."He was still garbage, but he was. . . not as bad as the others." "Oof, Barnes. We keep talking like this and I'm gonna need some vodka." Nat quips, but it just makes Bucky feel worse."I know, I'm sick aren't I?" Bucky gives a self deprecating chuckle, and Nat rolls her eyes. "Pull it together. You're not sick. Just. Brock Rumlow. The fucking walking AXE body spray ad. He was like the poster child for toxic masculinity."Bucky pulls on the cords of his hoodie, making the face hole tighter. "Jesus Nat, you're not helping."She puts her hands up. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I get it. I just. . ." She whistles. "The amount of 'no homo' that guy always expressed was irritating. Especially considering how many times he expressed how much he wanted to" her voice deepens to a mock manly tone "show me what a real man was like." Nat rolls her eyes. "I'm sure he probably wanted to. He probably didn't care who he was having sex with, Nat. Just that he had an edge over me. When the rest were around he was horrible, but if it was just me and him-""Still doesn't justify it."Bucky huffs. "You don't think I don't know that?""Well, what exactly did you like about him?""He did things that. . . made me feel good. And then he held me after. Can you believe that? But how do I even start to explain things like that to Steve? He'd be so goddamn pissed!"Nat snorts. "I swear, James, sometimes you coddle Steve as much as he coddles you. Do you really think he's that much of a choir boy?"Yes. No. He doesn't know. For so long, Steve has been such a shining example to him, Bucky just doesn't want to tarnish any part of him. Doesn't want him to think any more less of him than he already does. "How do I even start talking about some of this stuff Nat? Especially when Steve will think it's hurting me? Because those other guys did those things to try and hurt me?""Well, that's the thing. The things you want to do, you don't want them to hurt, do you?"Bucky lets out a frustrated sigh. "That's the thing. Some of it hurt in a way that felt good. It's like electricity racing up my spine. But the Steve I knew, my Steve, he'd be sickened if he knew I wanted him to strike me, or bite me, or choke me. . ." His voice falls to a whisper and he stares at his hands, ashamed. "But you don't know that. You've never even told him what you want when it comes to things like that.""And how can I? He treats me like glass, Nat. Like I'm gonna break if he looks too hard at me. If I tell him I want-"He stops. Bucky really doesn't want to talk about what Tony walked in on.Nat sighs. "I think you should give Steve some credit. Just be honest with him. As long as you two are being safe with whatever you're doing, I think he would be open to making you happy."Happy. Bucky chews his lip. He is happy. Just not. . . satisfied. Some days, he doesn't even think that he deserves that. "I'll try. I just. I don't want to mention the HYDRA stuff. I know he wouldn't like it."She gives him a calculating look and for another moment he wonders if that was in the file on him. God, he hopes not. "I think that's fair. You been talking to your therapist?" She asks.Of course he has. "Yeah, but it's not like any of this has come up.""I mean, maybe you might want to talk to him about it. He might have some better suggestions than me."Bucky nods, then looks at his hands. "You don't think. . . I'm a freak, right?"She shrugs, giving him a lopsided smile. "No more of a freak than we all are James. We're all human. There's not right way or wrong way about it. It's just being." "Well, there is a wrong way-""I don't think you're doing anything malicious, so no, you're not a freak. But seriously. Talk to you therapist, talk to your boyfriend. And maybe watch some porn.""Nat!""I mean, I'm just saying, figure out what you like. You've spent a lot of time pleasing other people, Barnes. Now it's time to please yourself for a change."With a flick of her wrist, she starts the car. He mulls over that thought. Time to please himself?Just what did that mean?