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He doesn't know how they ended up like this, he doesn't know, and as he looks up at Patroclus' exasperated smile, he doesn't think he's interested in knowing.Actually freaking slow dancing.and the room is too hot.And his hands feel sticky.The smell is awful.Hot room, sticky hands and terrible smell. Gods. sometimes, Achilles really hates parties.Parties, gatherings, places where you're expected to go to smile all the time, smile and talk and keep the people around you entertained, but he shows up anyway.Because, its enjoyable at times. and he gets drunk on the feeling of people following his words, listening to his words with rapt attention. He likes the attention.But there's times like this.Hot rooms, sticky hands and awful smells.But Patrcolus' hand is in his, and he's smiling, like he can't believe they're doing this, yet there's no mistaking the twinkle in his eye and the chuckles he releases could be called giddy for the lack of a better word.He looks happy.So it doesn't matter, none of it.The song is slow, and it's not a bad song, Achilles thinks as he watches Patroclus move himself slightly along to it, trying to copy Achilles' motions, he's getting good at it, Achilles thinks.Somewhere along the way, Patroclus' hand ended up on his waist, Achilles' hand on his shoulder, their other hands clasped together.He's not thinking of how they ended up closer to each other than they would've allowed themselves to be if not for the slight haze of alcohol surrounding them, he doesn't think he notices, his eyes are restless, they wander everywhere, he can't stop them from roaming over Patroclus, he loses himself in the way the corners of Patroclus' eyes crinkle when he laughs as they mess up a particular move to a comical extent, his hair is mussed in fifteen different directions, defying the laws of physics and Achilles kind of wants to reach up and smooth them, and mess them up even more at the same time, his light freckles stand out in the cheap fairy lights, and his hands are warm.But they're not warm in the way the crowded room is warm, they're warm in the way that makes Achilles' want to bring those hands to his lips and press his lips to them softy, in a way that makes Achilles' think he can hold them forever and never want to let go, in a way that Achilles thinks that if they stayed like this forever, he wouldn't mind.He wants to capture this moment on the strums of his guitar strings, so he can play it over and over again, relive this whenever he wishes too.But it's too much, too much for a simple song, for a simple word and he can't be bothered to think of how he's going to manage to pull; off the keys, not when Patroclus is looking at him in that way, his eyes half lidded and his smile giddy, hair sticking up in inhuman angles.He's drunk.He's drunk and it's hard to keep control of his eyes.His eyes are restless and somewhere along they way, they find their way to Patroclus' lips.Of course they do.And he thinks he kinda wants to kiss Patroclus.Patroclus' trips and Achilles' manages to keep them both standing, he makes a noise somewhere between a gasp and a laugh.They're closer now. He thinks if he leans in just a bit, their lips would flutter against each other.He definitely wants to kiss Patroclus.Patroclus, his best friend, his best friend who feels wonderfully warm whose broad hands hold him with gentleness.His eyes drop to Patroclus' lips again.'Pat!'Just like that the spell is broken, Patroclus is smiling at someone else now and Achilles thinks the word 'annoyed' doesn't even began to cover what he's feeling right now.Patroclus smiles at him one last time 'You are not driving home by yourself' and then he's gone and he's once against surrounded by people whose faces seem blend together.It isn't until he's thinking about the shared dance for the fifteenth time and has not heard a word of the story Diomedes has been trying to tell them that it hits him.
What.
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The thing is, Achilles had always known that his feelings for his best friend weren't exactly very best friend-ish.But then again, him and Patroclus had always been so close, Patroclus never complained about their proximity so Achilles figured it was all okay. he'd never thought he'd actually wanted Patroclus(according to the
internet, strange dreams that accur during teenage years don't really determine anything about your sexuality or emotions) so he never bothered to think much about those things, to be honest he still wasn't sure about any of this.He liked being close to Patroclus, and it was likely because he was fond of affection, and that was that.Except now that the thought had been planted into his head(thanks to alcohol), he couldn't stop thinking about it.And that would be okay, really, seeing as he's quiet good at not having a consistent thought pattern, except these strange dots keep connecting in his head in a way that is very annoying and suddenly everything makes sense.'What is it?'Achilles comes back to himself abruptly, almost jumping out of his skin and curses himself internally for doing that again.He'd zone out world and get lost in his own thoughts and won't realize that he's actually starting at Patroclus.It's been happening more frequently since last week.Last week when it felt like the world was didn't exist, all that was real was the dept of Patroclus' eyes and the way his hand felt on Achilles' waist.Needless to say, his mind has been in a turmoil since last week.He takes a breath and wills himself to speak. 'Nothing''Its never really nothing with you' there's that smile again and Achilles thinks he dies a little on the inside at the sight of it. 'And you're not making fun of any of the actors in the movie'They're laying on Achilles' bed in their shared apartment, in the middle of their weekly ritual of watching a movie, Achilles cant remember how it started, all he knows that they've been doing it since highschool and it's often the best part of the week for him.'Really, its nothing' Achilles gives what he hopes is a reassuring smile.Patroclus' nudges him lightly 'There is something, you've been acting strange all week' there's a hint of concern behind the nonchalantness in his gaze as he pauses the movie.'It's a good movie' is all he says, because Patroclus is staring right into his eyes now, they're sitting really close, he can smell Patroclus' faint cologne and the unique scent he's come to associate with Patroclus and his mind has decided that it doesn't want to focus on speech right now.Patroclus narrows his eyes at that, he has really nice eyes. 'Are you sure?, cause you really didn't seem all that interested in 'that geeky shit' about half an hour ago''Maybe I've decided that it's not so bad after all'A pause.He can't stop imagining Patroclus' reaction, while he doesn't think his friend would be angry, he knows that something like that doesn't just go away, will he feel uncomfortable with sharing space with Achilles? how long will it take before their relationship goes back to normal? he feels a strange pang in his heart at the thought of going a week without their shared movie nights.There's a warm hand on his arm that jerks him out of those thoughts . 'It's okay, you don't have to tell me' Patroclus says with an understanding smile, Achilles knows that Patroclus is curious, but he wont push, because he knows that Achilles will tell him everything himself when he feels like it.Except this time, Achilles really hopes he doesn't have to.Their eyes meet and the affection in Patroclus' deep brown eyes is almost overwhelming, the realization that Patroclus would stick with him, no matter what, is familiar, but it doesn't fail to steal away his ability to breath properly, and somehow, he feels better now, and more light, like he always does after their long midnight conversation, or after arguing over fictional characters, whatever it it, they'll get through this, he won't risk his friendship with his best friend over something as stupid as this. He values Patroclus too much.Achilles nods. They'll be alright.They continue watching the movie, and Achilles's makes fun of the actors this time, sometimes Patroclus joins in, other times he rolls his eyes, and conversation is easier now, he doesn't even stare at Patroclus more than three times for more than six minutes.Somewhere along the way, Patroclus' head falls on his shoulder, he's not thinking of how Patroclus steady breathing feels on his skin, nor of the way his curls tickle Achilles' skin.He's not thinking of any of those things. Their limbs are entangled, and their faces are so close together that Achilles can feel Patroclus' warm breath on his skin. Achilles doesn't think he's ever felt this comfortable and secure, he breathes in and all he can smell is Patroclus.Patroclus.His warm presence, his whispering breath, and the feel of his weight against Achilles's own.There's a lot of reasons why he should be freaking out, but as he watches Patroclus' hair fall into his deep brown eyes lazily, his long lashes resting on his flushed cheeks, he can't really recall them.He feels like can stay this way forever, enveloped into Patroclus' strong, steady arms.He should really get up.Patroclus' blinks up at him slowly and Achilles freezes. He waits for Patroclus' to move, or distangle himself, prepares himself for the inevitable coldness of the space that isn't taken up my Patroclus and the question in his friend's eyes.It doesn't come.'Hi' Patroclus smiles lazily as he snuggles closer, not quiet awake yet.
And as Achilles watches him, the sunlight pouring in from the window illuminating his beautiful features, a soft smile on his lips, his face so close to his own, he thinks:fuck.
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All too suddenly, Achilles can't stop thinking about kissing Patroclus. It's not that he hasn't thought of it before(as much as he likes to deny it), but it's something that's on his mind way more often. He's hyper aware of every time they touch, Everytime Patroclus so much as glances his way, he can't stop replaying every single compliment. All too suddenly. He's screwed. It hurts to see Patroclus flirting with another guy, an easy smile on his face, it hurts to look at him and want him so much, knowing his best friend won't return his feelings. But Achilles gets through it, cause it's okay, cause there's still a part of him foolishly hoping he'll get over this, be able to look at Patroclus without wanting to kiss him senseless, he'll be alright. 'Why don't you, I don't know, confess?' Odysseus says, for the millionth time this afternoon. Achilles looks at him over his textbook and sighs. 'We've been over this, unless you have actual good advice, I suggest you shut the fuck up' 'I am just saying' Odysseus raises his hands in surrender, next to him, his books lie unopened and Achilles feels a pang of envy towards him for never having to actually put effort into studying, stupid smart jerk. 'you guys have been friends for centuries, even if he doesn't like you that way, which I highly doubt, he'll understand, it'll be a weight off your chest, y'know' 'What's the point? Either way I am going to have to wait for it to go away, aren't I? I'd rather save myself the embarrassment and keep my dignity intact' Achilles huffs, ignoring the stupid voice at the back of his head that sounds suspiciously like that one vine about lying. Odysseus shrugs, munching on potato chips Achilles always keeps around because Patroclus is enamoured with them. 'Just sayin', could be good for you, keeping all of this emotional shit inside is terrible for your health' Achilles doesn't answer, tries to ignore the voice in his head stating the real reason he doesn't want to confess. He doesn't really care about his dignity all that much, when it comes to Patroclus, that is. As pathetic as it is, a part of him wants to believe Patroclus returns his feelings, he doesn't want to know that he doesn't so he'll keep his mouth shut and suffer in silence. It's okay, it will pass. In the end, Patroclus is the one to bring it up. 'I want to kiss you' he says, not sober in the slightest. Achilles, being slightly more sober since it's his turn to drive, almost crashes the car and lands them both in the hospital.
'what'
The night, peaceful(or had been), a bit romantic even, the light pitter patter of rain and the sound of Patroclus' breathing creating a comforting sound that Achilles wants to lock into his heart and keep forever, they're on their way back from a wild party, they don't really need to drive since his apartment isn't that far away but both of them like the car, and the music. But as soon as the words are out of Patroclus' mouth, all the gentle sounds seem to have stopped, the world holding it's breath in anticipation. 'I said I want to kiss you' Patroclus says again, Achilles can hear the pout in his voice and it's so adorable he kind of wants to coo. And also hurl himself out of the window because Patroclus wants to what now 'I- why?' he regrets the words as soon as they're out of his mouth because great going dumbass, but can't bring himself to regret them when Patroclus giggles. The car halts to a stop outside of the apartment complex, neither of them make any move to get out. 'You're so pretty' Patroclus says, his hand coming up to caress Achilles's cheek gently, Achilles wants to die. He considers pinching himself, because Patroclus sounds too much like dream-Patroclus right now, dream Patroclus with his darkened eyes and confident movements and now is not the time Achilles. 'thank- thank you?' Achilles says, willing himself to not flush when he feels Patroclus hand make its way to his lips, rubbing his thumb over his bottom lip. Patroclus' smiles slyly, before leaning closer, so close that their noses are almost touching and all Achilles can focus on is his presence, invading all of Achilles senses. He glances at Achilles' lips once before meeting his eyes, a question in his own. Achilles feels like he's flying and falling at the same time, his heart is thudding in his chest, and it's so loud , he's pretty sure Patroclus can hear it. His whole body feels like it's on fire but in a good way. Everything is in a good way right now. But like all good things, the euphoria comes to an end with the realization that Patroclus is drunk and not in the right state of mind, has no idea what he's talking about. Gods, Achilles wants to cry . He looks at Patroclus, his dark sparkling eyes, the mole on his cheek, the pretty pink of his lips, and forces the words out of his mouth. 'You're drunk, Patroclus' he says, pushing him away as gently as he can. Patroclus' protests sleepily as Achilles drags him towards his own bed, laying him down with care and taking off his shoes, all the while trying to stop feeling miserable and reliving the little moment in the car. Patroclus' doesn't have the decency to shut the fuck up for th sake of Achilles' weeping heart. 'M not that drunk, please just, just one kiss, Achilles' he says, half asleep, glaring petulantly. Achilles sighs as he runs his hand through Patroclus' soft locks, internally dying at the way Patroclus closes his eyes shut at th sensation and hums. 'You're not thinking clearly' Patroclus' is silent for a moment and Achilles moves his hand away, assuming he's asleep when he speaks up again. 'What if I am' he says, a strange sort of determination in his voice. 'what?' 'what if I want this when I am completely sober' he says, pushing himself up on his elbows, eyes clouded with sleep. Despite himself, Achilles smiles at his persistence. 'Then I'll gladly kiss you as many times as you asked' he doesn't know what he's thinking as he says this, but the grin Patroclus gives him before tugging Achilles into bed with him by his wrist is enough to push the lingering worry away from his mind. He wakes up to the sheets smelling like Patroclus, and the sounds of the said boy throwing up in the bathroom. He's not shocked to discover that he's lost his shirt somewhere during his slumber(it's a weird habit of his, Briseis theorizes that he was a stripper in his past life, which , unacceptable but it makes Patroclus laugh so it's okay), he doesn't bother finding his own shirt in the tangled sheets, choosing to wear one of Patroclus' shirts that are always scattered around his room for some reason. It's not the best fit, Patroclus' has always been a bit broader around the shoulders, but it makes something warm and fuzzy bloom in his chest and he decides not to overthink it. 'Hey' Patroclus does not make a beautiful sight, leaning over the toilet in all his hangover glory. Achilles makes his way over to him, setting himself next to Patroclus and rubbing his back in soothing circular motions. 'You alright?' 'I am good' Patroclus says, before gagging and throwing up some more. Achilles watches with thinly veiled disgust and concern, running his hands up and down Patroclus' spine. 'Remind me to never drink again' Patroclus groans. 'will do' Achilles says as he makes to stand up. 'I am gonna go get you some breakfast, aspirin's in the drawer by the bed, any requests?' 'Pancakes would be nice' Patroclus says before leaning over again and Achilles resists the urge to fuss over him some more. Patroclus is done just as Achilles is setting the last pancake in the plate. He comes up behind him to collect the food. 'This smells heavenly' Achilles grins smugly, he knows he's a good cook, not better than Patroclus but decent enough. 'Obviously' They set the food down and talk as they eat, the conversation never seems to lead to Patroclus asking Achilles to kiss him, though, always managing to skirt around the topic, which Achilles is equal part relieved and disappointed about. A part of him had been hoping Patroclus will remember and demand for Achilles to keep his promise. But it's not that bad, Achilles can get over it, he can. They wash the dishes together, like they've always done. It starts with Patroclus accident flicking some suds in Achilles' face, who retaliates by gathering some water in his fists and cupping Patroclus' face, before they know it, it turns into an impromptu, water fight. 'I surrender! Surrender, stop!' Patroclus says holding a pan in front of his face to shield himself. 'What was that? I didn't hear you clearly' Achilles says, holding a brown filled with greasy water above Patroclus' hair. 'I said I surrender, okay! I am sorry!' Achilles snickers, throwing the bowl in the sink and forces the pan out of Patroclus hands. They're both breathless from laughter, cheeks flushed and eyes sparkling and suddenly Achilles doesn't want to look away. Patroclus doesn't seem keen on doing so, either, choosing to instead to lean in closer. 'You're wearing my shirt' he says, it's almost a whisper. Achilles hums in answer, he feels like he's in a trance, can't bring himself to do anything other than stare at Patroclus. It feels like ages before Patroclus says. 'I am not drunk right now' and Achilles' heart almost stops. Is he saying what I think he's saying? 'Do you want to?' Achilles licks his lips, feels his heart jump in his chest when Patroclus' eyes follow the movement. The answer comes in the form of soft press of lips against his own, he's stunned for a moment, before pressing back, moving his lips against Patroclus' enthusiastically, he arms find their way around Patroclus' neck, there's warm hands around his waist, pulling him closer than possibly yet not close enough. They kiss for what feels like hours, Achilles loses himself in the sensation of Patroclus' embrace, of the warmth of his mouth. When they pull away for breath, both of them are panting. Their foreheads are touching, and Achilles closes his eyes, reaching between them to intertwine their fingers, allowing himself to relish the moment, drink in the fact that this is real. Patroclus is the first one to break the silence. 'wow' 'Yeah' Achilles replies before breaking out in a fit of giggles, Patroclus following soon after, it takes a while for them to get over the giddiness and actually talk again. 'I've been wanting to do that for some time' Achilles admits. 'How long?' Patroclus unwraps his hand from Achilles waist, holding clasping his other hand as well. 'Ever since I saw you step out of the shower shirtless last month' Patroclus snorts, head dropping to Achilles' shoulder and Achilles can't help the stupid grin that spreads across his face. 'I've wanted this for longer' Patroclus says, voice muffled. 'Yeah?' Achilles' says idly, too busy counting moles on Patroclus' neck. Three. There's three. 'I think it was in highschool? I was crying because my dad had yelled at me about something,I can't even remember, and you-' Patroclus pulls back to look him in the eyes. 'You were there for me, you hugged me and offered to sleep over, I knew then' and suddenly Achilles' remembers, remembers Patroclus' red rimmed eyes and his quiet sniffs, remembers the intense, ugly hatred he felt for Patroclus' father. There's a vulnerability in Patroclus' eyes, and Achilles wants to wrap him up in warm blankets and hold him tight and never let go, he settles for squeezing his hands. 'Why didn't you say anything?' Patroclus' eyes break away from his, his laugh his bitter. 'I never imagined you'd want me back?' Achilles huffs before saying 'Well, you were wrong' Patroclus' chuckles. 'I hope so' There's a moment of silence before Achilles asks the question that's eating away at his brain. 'Is this official?' Patroclus raises his eyebrows, a silent gesture for him to elaborate. 'Are you- will you be my boyfriend?' Achilles hopes his face isn't as red as it feels. Patroclus laughs. 'How about a date first?' he raises an eyebrow, voice playful and teasing. 'Right, of course' Achilles feels like his face could fry an egg right now. Patroclus' eyes soften. 'You know I'll choose to be with you no matter how you wanna go about this right?, It doesn't matter, as long as it's you' There's only one way Achilles can answer that really, by pulling Patroclus into another long, searing kiss.