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In. Don’t think about it. Out. It’s not worth crying over.In. You’ll be okay.Out. It isn’t that big a deal.Cyrus has spent the last hour, head buried in his pillow, repeating this to himself as he tried to quell the storm in his mind, all set into motion that morning.Stupid TJ. Stupid Kira. Stupid Costume Day. Stupid emotions.He was very aware of the fact that his thoughts and thinking were reduced to a childish vocabulary, but he couldn’t care less. His heart was now a shell of its former self, its contents spilt out on the school courtyard, from when he felt it get ripped out of his chest.He knew he was being dramatic. And frankly, he didn’t give a damn.As the music went on in his headphones, he shut his eyes, memories playing movies in his mind.*
You and me, we’re bumper cars
At that point, Cyrus had all but given up trying to get a chocolate chocolate chip muffin. It just wasn’t in his destiny! And the previous day, when he was so close to getting it, of course, the universe decided to plonk mean basketball captain TJ Kippen and his friends right there to cut the line and take all the muffins. (He even stomped on one but Cyrus didn’t like to spend too long thinking about it, the pain was too much to handle.)Today was another hopeless and fruitless day in the now thrilling reality TV show: “Cyrus tries to get the Goddamn Muffin for once in his life”.He sighed to Buffy, “Another day, another soul-crushing disappointment.” The defeat was finally getting to him.He heard Buffy give a short breathy laugh, but soon after he heard her angrily mutter, “Incoming.”He turned around to see none other than mean basketball captain TJ Kippen heading their way. He knew the basic story. TJ was mean to Buffy right from tryouts, and he never passed her the ball during games either. It was almost as if he pretended she wasn’t part of the team, and Buffy was up to her wits end as to how to deal with him. The other day, Mr Coleman asked Buffy to tutor someone and lo and behold, the person was TJ. Buffy had said she refused to ever help him, swearing this to Andi and Cyrus over baby taters. But here was TJ. Oh, this wasn’t going to end well.Cyrus tuned out of the conversation, distracted by the crushing defeat of the great muffin conquest. He just about caught the tail end when TJ finally said in an exasperated tone, “Fine! I’ll pass you the ball.”Cyrus looked at Buffy in surprised happiness at this new development as TJ asked her if they had a deal.Then, Buffy did something he really didn’t expect her to do.She turned around and said, “No.”
What? Why would Buffy do that? He was literally giving her what she…
On no. Oh no no no. He knew what she was going to do, and he was not at all in compliance.
Buffy pulled Cyrus to her by the shoulders, saying, “You get my buddy Cyrus here a chocolate chocolate chip muffin.”
Well good luck now that there is only one left.
Why would Buffy do that to him? Now he looked like a weak dork in front of the captain of the basketball team, literally the most jock person there was. Well, that was exactly who he was, but still!
“You can’t get your own muffin?” TJ asked, his voice incredulous.
As if his self-esteem couldn’t get any lower. Oh well, what did he have to lose?
“I didn’t need this extra level of embarrassment!” Cyrus said to Buffy, trying to keep his voice low. He then turned to TJ, incredibly aware of how he looked to him. “But no.”“Well I could do it, but. Teach your man how to fish?”
Wait. TJ was actually willing to help him? Huh. Maybe he would be okay after all.
TJ grabbed him by the shoulder saying, “Walk to the muffin like you already own it.”He heard Buffy start to argue from behind. “He can’t do that.” Actually, hearing her say it, he would have to-“Hey. Don’t tell him what he can’t do.”
Oh. That’s something he hasn’t really heard.
He could just imagine the shocked and confused look on Buffy’s face, it would be mirroring his own. In order to alleviate the tension a bit, Cyrus quipped, “Dancing with danger is on my bucket list.” Then, looking ahead he asked TJ, “Then?”TJ shrugged. “Take the muffin.”“That’s it?!”“Just don’t let anyone stand in your way.”
Okay, it couldn’t be that easy but oh well, he might as well try it at this point.
Summoning all the confidence in his body, Cyrus started to make his way to the front, after a slight push by TJ. However, as soon as he reached out to take a muffin, all the kids in line started shouting at him. Oh, this was a bad, bad idea. His eyes started tunnelling in until he heard a loud “Hey!”Suddenly, TJ Kippen was standing next to him, shouting to the other kids, “He’s with me.” He was willing to be associated with a dork like Cyrus for even just a moment? That was truly unexpected, Cyrus thought, as he reached out for the muffin.“You’re gonna taste so sweet,” he said to the muffin, finally having it sit in his hand was truly a transcendental experience. And he also thought of how he and TJ seemed to get along decently well, and who knows, maybe they could even be friends? He could probably like that, Cyrus thought happily.Until he heard TJ walk up to Buffy saying, “I’ll need at least a C+.”Right. They didn’t really know each other. He was just doing it so Buffy would tutor him. Anyway, what did it matter? He had a chocolate chocolate chip muffin in hand for the first time in a while. Life would be okay.*
The more I try to get to you
Cyrus was not having a good day.Metcalf had asked him to shoot the video for the school website, and of course, he asked Jonah to help him. Cyrus would take any excuse to hang out with him, but now he wished he hadn’t. Trying to impress Jonah somehow, coupled with the stress of trying to remember his lines and to act naturally for the video, it was making Cyrus fumble, mess up and pour sweat like a fountain. For some reason, his chest felt tight, and the sweat just kept coming, no matter how much he tried to keep cool. Ultimately, he just had to take a breather. He needed a break and a place to calm down.That’s how he had landed up at the swings. Whenever he needed to think, or to just wallow in self-pity, he would go there and sing his song.He was busy singing his swing song until he heard a voice behind him say, “Nice song.”As he came to a stop, he looked up to see TJ. Well, that is unexpected.“What do you sing when you’re on the slide?”Funnily enough, Cyrus did happen to have a song for the slide that he sang, as he felt more and more nervous and apprehensive. The song seemed to surprise TJ, letting a small smile come up on Cyrus’ face.“Chocolate chocolate chip muffin, right?”TJ remembered who he was?“Scary basketball guy.”Cyrus didn’t know where that name came from, but it seemed appropriate to TJ. But he couldn’t help but see the way TJ’s face dropped as he said that.“Actually, TJ.”“I know. Cyrus.”TJ walked around to the other swing while asking, “So, you hang out here a lot?” How was this conversation still going on?“Only when I’m feeling bad about myself. So, fairly often.” Good, good. Self-deprecation is a good strategy.TJ gave a small laugh at that.“Does it help?”“Helps me.”Seeing TJ’s hesitation to get on, Cyrus encouraged him, noticing how he too seemed upset and troubled by something. Besides, he wasn’t minding the company.When TJ got on and started swinging, he could almost see the worries leave him, as he laughed and cheered just as freely as would a little kid.“I don’t remember why I ever stopped swinging! Come on, get up here.”“This is as up as I go,” Cyrus said, acutely aware of his fears.Just then, TJ jumped off his swing and ran up behind Cyrus, pushing him higher and higher.It was terrifying and exciting at the same time, He had never gone this high before. And when TJ pushed him and ran under the swing yelling, “Underdog!”, the exhilaration was undeniable. Why was TJ being so nice?This was nice. This was unexpectedly fun, Cyrus thought. Just then, however, Buffy came and began running up to them and TJ’s whole demeanour changed. He tried to run away, and when Buffy caught up to him, he went back to his whole ‘mean’ front. But now Cyrus had seen that there was more to the not-so-scary basketball guy in front of him. Maybe Cyrus liked hanging out with him and wanted to do it again.And maybe, just maybe. TJ wished the same.*
The more we crash apart
“There is nothing wrong with you. And your teacher can’t fail you for having it.”Cyrus’ words hung in the air for a while, as TJ processed what he had just said. The muffled sounds of the basketball game echoed through the room. Cyrus had noticed TJ standing on the sidelines and had gone up to him, wanting to check up on him. Understandably, TJ snapped at him, walking away into the break room. But that didn’t push Cyrus away in the slightest.TJ eventually told him that since he was failing math, he was kicked off the team. He also opened up about the possibility of him having dyscalculia, something Cyrus felt glad that TJ felt safe enough to tell him about.TJ sat straight. “Coleman can’t fail me?”“You could be playing basketball, right now.”“And Buffy has been right all along. At least I’ll mean it this time when I tell her. Those really are her two favourite words,” TJ said, laughing slightly.Maybe that wasn’t the best decision you have ever made, Cyrus thought.What could you do? He’s a cool guy who also happens to be attractive? You stood no chance, a small part of his brain tells him.“I shouldn’t have told you that. She’d kill me if she ever found out,” he said, his worry increasing.“Ah, don’t worry. She won’t find out.”Cyrus took a deep breath, trying to believe him.TJ’s voice softened and he said, “You know, she may have been right, but you’re the one who really helped me.”Hearing him say that sent a warm feeling coursing through Cyrus’ body, as he looked at this unlikely friend of his.They stayed in that room for the rest of the game, eating cheese puffs and talking about nothing, TJ’s mood significantly lighter. He almost forgot about the game happening outside.Buffy was mad at him for spending time with TJ over watching her play, but Cyrus tried his best to reason with her. And in the end, some baby taters and public humiliation managed to win her over.The same could not be said for the next day.Somehow, Buffy had found out. Somehow, she knew that Cyrus had told TJ about her two favourite words. And now, there was the fallout.“I can’t be friends with you, Cyrus. Not while you’re friends with TJ.”“You’re giving me an ultimatum?” She had to be joking, right?“Him or me. Decide.” Clearly not.As she walked away from him, Cyrus screamed out to her that he chose her, of course, he chose her, she was his best friend. And it was true, he would choose Buffy.But that didn’t stop his heart breaking at the thought of no longer being friends with the not-so-scary basketball guy he had come to bond with. Why couldn’t they just have a normal friendship?*
Round and round, we chase the sparks
After a meltdown over some pancakes and a heart-to-heart in the kitchen, Cyrus and Buffy were talking again, and Cyrus was also still friends with TJ. She still didn’t completely understand it, but she trusted Cyrus to know who he was friends with. Everything was perfect. Until Buffy moved away without a goodbye. And with no reply.It had been 2 months of radio silence, and Time Capsule Buffy was serving as a great substitute (not). One day, as they sat in the Spoon, TJ came up to them. At first, Andi was not willing to let TJ sit with them. But after he delivered a sincere heartfelt apology to the time capsule, he joined them. Maybe, if Buffy came back, this time things would be different.They began talking about how Cyrus couldn’t do a somersault, a topic which Cyrus was not willing to discuss but he had just accepted his non-somersaulting fate. But clearly, TJ hadn’t, offering to help Cyrus learn to do one. At that, Andi looked at Cyrus with obvious hints of Oh my god you have a real life Prince Charming here to help you Cy. He really didn’t appreciate it and was thankful that Jonah chose that moment to walk into the Spoon.When Jonah entered with Natalie, in a clear effort to make Andi jealous, Andi had left Cyrus and TJ alone to deal with the awkwardness of sitting with the 2. So it was a more than welcome relief when TJ asked Cyrus to come to work with him, as more of an escape plan from their current situation.What Cyrus expected was to have a lot of fun with his friend as he tried and failed to do a somersault. What Cyrus did not expect was to actually do one, and to have his heart race when h hugged said friend after his shift had ended.
Did he…?
No, he wasn’t going through that again.
That was the start of what were easily the best months of his life. Not only did Buffy return, but his crush on Jonah was definitively transformed into a close friendship. Buffy and TJ put apart their differences after TJ delivered the best apology in the world (not debatable).And if his rap made Cyrus’ heart melt, the confusion was of the good kind.Even the start of 8th Grade was calm, with them having muffin bets and regular hangouts.But of course, the good times can’t last with them.*
But all that seems to lead to
It started out amazing.Hearing TJ say that he talked about him to his arguably cooler friends, Cyrus was flattered and overjoyed. He never imagined that someone as incredible as TJ Kippen would so proudly talk of him as his friend. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve that.Turns out, dirt biking has its own appeal. He never thought he would ever go near one in his life, and here he was successfully riding one for a prolonged period of time. Plus, there was the added bonus of TJ teaching him the various parts, his hand brushing over Cyrus’ at regular intervals.
What? He’s gonna take what he gets.
Of course, they can never have a full good day. Of course, TJ’s friend Reed would pull out a gun that he took from his father. Of course, when Cyrus asked TJ to leave with him, he couldn’t, paralysed by the fear of what his friends would say. Of course, just as things were good between them, something would send them hurtling away from each other.*
Is a pile of broken parts
Funny, how just a week of being made to ignore and block TJ affected Cyrus. He didn’t show it to Andi or Buffy, but he really missed him. He hadn’t realised what an integral part of his life TJ held.He went to the one place he knew he could try and calm his racing mind: the swings. But even that wasn’t working, because all he could think about was the first time he and TJ connected, right there, all those months ago.Almost as if summoned from his thoughts, he heard the voice of the one person he wanted to see, but also the person he didn’t want to face.“Is that swing taken?”Why was he there? Did he know he would be here? Then, Cyrus remembers the first time at the swings when he told TJ that he knew where to find him. He actually remembered.“How’d you know I’d be here?”“I’ve been stopping by, seeing if I could catch you without your bodyguards.”Well, he was right on the bodyguard part.
He has actually been coming here, waiting for him?
But he remembered Buffy and Andi’s faces looking at him, telling him to not talk to TJ. So even though it killed him, he said, “I’m not supposed to hang out with you. I should go.”“No, stay,” TJ cut him off, sounding tired and defeated. “Can I at least say I’m sorry first?”Cyrus simply shrugged, unsure of the direction this would go.“I didn’t know Reed was going to bring the gun. I, I wouldn’t have gone, and I definitely wouldn’t have brought you.”Cyrus couldn’t help the soft smile that came on his face. TJ looked genuinely upset, and he believed what he said.“Now you hate me,” TJ continued, scoffing. “Classic TJ. Anything good I gotta ruin it.”His heart broke a little more at what TJ said. TJ thought Cyrus was a good thing in his life? While he was still processing what was said, TJ began to walk away, his head hung low. And in that moment, Cyrus knew that if he let TJ walk away, things wouldn’t go back to how they were. So he latched on to the one thing he realised while TJ had been talking. “TJ.”TJ turned around, hesitant. He looked so scared, wow. “You said you were going to apologise.”“I just did!”“Actually, you didn’t.”“Yes, I did. I said I’m,” TJ started, trailing off as the realisation set in. “Huh. You’re right. Well, sorry for not saying sorry.”Cyrus could very well have let him go right then, but then again, he didn’t. He wanted to keep talking to TJ and this was seeming to keep him there. Plus, TJ really had to learn to actually say sorry. “So,” Cyrus said, causing TJ to once again turn around and come back. “You’ve apologised for not apologising. But you still haven’t apologised.”“You can be a little annoying, you know that?” Well, okay then. Two can play this game.Cyrus got off the swing and took a step towards TJ. “Well, you can be oblivious.” Couldn’t he see what was right there? What he was trying to say, what he was sure he wasn’t good at hiding? (It wasn’t him wanting an apology.)TJ took another step forward. “Well, you can be very judgy.”“Well, you can be intimidating.”They were really close now. He could just…
No, do not think that.
“You know what else you are?” Did he want to hear this?“What?”“The only person I can talk to like this.”Who knew one simple statement could make Cyrus feel so elated and just loved?Maybe this time, their good times will last.*
We’re bumper cars, bumper cars
Cyrus really believed that the good times were here to stay.Things had been good, great. Maybe even perfect. TJ had messaged him asking to come to the park where he was playing basketball. Cyrus smiled at the memory of the time TJ had tried to teach him some basketball shots there, which of course ended with them on the ground as Cyrus had tripped on his own feet, had grabbed onto TJ but instead ended up dragging him down too.As he walked up, he saw TJ was talking to a girl. She seemed vaguely familiar.“Yooooooo!”TJ turned around, and instantly his face broke into the biggest smile ever. “Cyrus, my man!”
If only.
“Teej, lookin’ good!” Only facts in this house. Or park.TJ bumped his shoulder into Cyrus’ as he said, “Cyrus, this is Kira. Kira, Cyrus.”Kira. Now he knew why she looked familiar. She was that girl Buffy had to kick off the team because her attitude was very unsportsmanlike. As soon as she identified him as Buffy’s friend, Cyrus really did not trust her. He was more than happy to leave there as soon as he could.After they were out of earshot, Cyrus spoke up. “She seemed nice. If the word nice had a different meaning.” TJ gave a quiet laugh at that, his face scrunching in the adorable way that always sent Cyrus’ heart racing.“So, you’re hanging out now?” he asked, trying as hard as he could to keep any twinge of jealousy away from his voice.TJ simply shrugged. “Basketball, you know.”They were silent for a moment when suddenly, TJ turned to him in excitement and a bright smile. “Oh, I gotta ask. What you got going on for Costume Day?”“Costume Day? You don’t strike me as Costume Day guy,” Cyrus replied, his voice taking on a teasing tone. He was acutely aware of how flirty that sounded too. Hey, they’re friends. This is normal. Normal. Absolutely nothing new. “I have layers.” If TJ made another Shrek reference, just gotta throw the whole crush away, wait friend what.TJ shook his head slightly and continued. “Anyway, so I had this idea.”“Listening.”“Okay, so one person dresses up in board shorts, sunglasses and flip-flops. And the other dresses up as a salt-shaker!”“Oh, I get it. Sea Salt!” It was a peculiar costume choice, but as long as it was with TJ, Cyrus was willing to go along with it.“That would’ve been cool, but no.”“Oh.” Well, he was stumped. “Hold on, hold on.” Suddenly, it hit him. And along with it, a surge of warmth, what he could only describe as affection. “Summer-salt!”
He wanted to do a costume that was a call back to one of their moments? It’s a surprise Cyrus hadn’t already arranged for their wedding with how he was feeling at that moment.
They both laughed, and continued walking, going back and forth about who was doing what part. Cyrus could hear his brain vaguely reminding him that he had promised to do Mount Rushmore with Andi and his friends, but he pushed it aside. He’d figure it out. He’d do anything if it meant doing this costume with TJ.Luckily, Buffy said she would figure out the replacement head, leaving Cyrus free to spend the entire night before Costume Day figuring out his Salt costume. He hardly slept, waking up extremely early in the morning to get dressed. He was bursting with happiness as he made his way to school, impatient to see what TJ had put together.But he felt a pit in his stomach when he saw TJ in black jeans, wearing a camo hoodie. Why wasn’t he in costume?“Where’s your costume? Without you, this is embarrassingly straightforward.”TJ’s face looked worn, and his eyes. His eyes were just distraught, as if he couldn’t even bear to look at Cyrus squarely. He said in a shaky voice, “I know, I was gonna…”Just then, Kira came up to them, cutting him off. “Come on, Kippen. Let’s see it.”They both unzipped their hoodies to reveal plain white t-shirts with the word ‘Dribble’ scrawled on them. “Double Dribble. You get it?” Kira asked, looking expectantly at Cyrus.At that moment, the world might as well have removed the ground from under Cyrus’ feet. He found it hard to even respond, all their words were muffled as he tried to wrap his head around what had just happened. All he saw was TJ walking away with Kira, probably off to show the rest of the team his costume.
Why did it feel like the world had just come crashing down around his ears?
Luckily, there was still a spot for him on Mount Rushmore, but right then, Cyrus wanted nothing more than for Costume Day to end.He thought he would be upset, angry, even his friends thought so.All he felt was numb.*
The more I try to get to you
That’s how he was here, in his room, head buried in his pillow, having cried all the tears his body could produce. His eyelids felt heavy and dry, it was an effort to even keep them open. His mom had been calling him for dinner, but at that moment, he couldn’t even think of eating. He couldn’t think of doing anything else.
This was supposed to be the best day. Costume Day always is. This was supposed to be fun.
Cyrus turned over in his bed, facing the ceiling. A stray thought came to him, what was TJ thinking at the time? Did he feel sorry? Was he in the same position as Cyrus?
No, of course, he wasn’t. He is out there, probably talking to Kira. It was his fault, for ever even considering that TJ may feel the same way Cyrus did. That TJ may like him back. Because he didn’t. He wouldn’t.
Those thoughts cut into his heart, sending another sob to rack his body. Why did he have to go and fall for another boy? All it did was send him crashing into the ground.But it was more than that this time. TJ was Cyrus’ friend. Friend was also inadequate. They just, got each other. They could be completely themselves with one another, without ever having to worry about judgement. TJ had told Cyrus that he was the only person he could ever talk to, and while Cyrus had never said it back, he felt the same with TJ.So more than having his crush be torn apart, Cyrus had seen his friendship with TJ get damaged, maybe irreparably.Cyrus laughed slightly. How could he have not seen it coming?Their friendship had always had more downs than ups. Just as things were fine, things were good, something would come along to cause a bigger problem. Every time they seemed to get closer, to get nearer to each other, they would crash apart. Like bumper cars.Huh. Bumper cars. That’s what he and TJ were. The ride seems fun, exhilarating, fun. A way to get closer. In reality, it just sends you further and further away with every impact.And Cyrus just knew, that this time, the impact was too strong for them to ever come back from.
The more we crash apart.