Archive of Our Own

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Like You Want To Be Loved

Not many people knew that Ryan once considered becoming a dentist like his dad, and for a long time, he was sold on that idea until he discovered he was better suited for other things he loved with all his being.

Shane knew this now, as they both sat down alone late at night at their shared desk at the office, the two of them left aside to edit a couple of videos someone else had fucked up but the responsibility had landed on their shoulders.

He sighed, listening as Ryan thought over his words carefully, confessing something extremely normal—that he had chosen a different path when younger, had tried to reach it, only to discover it was not for him.

“I used to play baseball,” Shane said next, and Ryan gasped and looked up at him, his eyes shining with a sweet curiosity that made Shane smile. “I was good at it.”

“No way,” he said, smile widening. “But you hate sports!”

“I don’t hate them!” The man answered, looking for a brief moment at his computer, then back at Ryan. “I just don’t get them. And they bore me!”

Ryan laughed, the noise so intimate in the middle of the office that they yearned to call theirs. Shane followed him and felt that, maybe, he could do this for a long time. He could laugh with this man and call him a friend, bathe in his good energy, the warm radiance of his happy personality.

So once, a long time ago, little Shane had stood tall amongst his teammates and had hit a ball with a stick heavier than all his bones combined. His arms still had the form, even if his muscles weren’t firm anymore, nor did he think he was in any condition to run all bases at the moment, but he still knew the game, and he used to like it.

He’d just never loved it.

“And my grandfather, his name is Shane too, he was convinced I had a future in the game,” he remembered. “I think… I think it’s what he wanted, you know? He tried to teach my dad and my uncles to play but none had the patience for it.”

“The talent,” Ryan corrected him as though he had known about his grandfather already. Shane looked at him for a moment. “You know, you are sometimes unnecessarily humble.”

“What?”

Ryan shrugged. “It’s okay to brag a little. So you’re good at a sport but you’re not interested, that’s cool.” He said, and Shane blinked a couple of times. “Did you ever think about making a living off of it?”

“Uhm,” Shane swallowed, not sure why his cheeks felt warm all of a sudden. “No… I mean, I guess when I was a kid. I thought I’d end up with the Cubs or something.”

“The Cubs...” Ryan chuckled, Shane rolled his eyes. “Well, at least you didn’t say Yankees.”

“Shut up, leave my ten-year-old self alone, you bully.”

They laughed together again; it was becoming something so common between them, Shane was sure he could happily stay like this. The man sighed, smiling up at Shane before licking his lips and chuckling again, eyes away from Shane’s face.

“Yeah, yeah—I guess it’s just some silly kid thing,” Ryan murmured. “Still, sometimes…” He sighed, crossing his arms over his chest, looking everywhere but at Shane. “Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing. If my parents are really okay with my decisions.”

It was the way he was staring into oblivion, the hollow expression on his face as he said those words, that made Shane realize Ryan had something else in mind.

A secret for another time, perhaps. Hopefully.

Shane just smiled at the man, taking his wrist gently to make him uncross his arms.

“I doubt they aren’t,” Shane said, surprised at how sincere he was. “Who wouldn’t be? You’re a talented little guy.”

Ryan looked straight at him for a few seconds, Shane had gotten him to uncross his arms and was gently caressing the inside of Ryan’s wrist, hoping the touch was welcomed, that maybe the man would understand Shane’s newfound intentions.

His heart hammered in his ribcage, desperate for an answer.

“I…” He cleared his throat, looking a bit flustered and wasn’t that just the cutest thing? Shane slowly let go of his wrist, Ryan took his hand away as slow. “I really hope so.” The man looked up at him and Shane smiled brightly. “Man,” He chuckled. “I’ve never told this to anyone before!”

Shane chuckled, shaking his head as their laughter died off in the silence of the lone office. They looked at each other with smiles on their faces. His cheeks fucking hurt, but Shane couldn’t stop smiling.

“You are funny,” Ryan murmured, somehow his smile got wider. “You are really, really…” He bit his bottom lip, Shane swallowed at the sight. “A funny guy.”

There was something else in there, something neither were to touch just now. Maybe never.

In that moment, Shane swallowed one last time before smiling and going back to his work, making himself put his feet back on Earth and remember they were supposed to have this finished before midnight. And that Ryan had a girlfriend.

Shane looked at him from the corner of his eyes, wondering.
 
If someone had told him he’d end up making these kinds of silly videos, Shane would have begged for it to come sooner into his life.

Thinking about it made him remember the stupid videos he once did with his friends. The Christmas jokes, when Shane would dress up like a good boy, use gel on his hair, wear some ugly sweater he ironically loved, and pretend to sing some stupid Christmas song.

Now his job was being his silly self in front of a camera. Shane couldn’t be happier.

“I’m telling you!” He laughed, following Daysha outside the kitchenette at the office. “We filmed it at a friend’s basement and boy oh boy, did we have some fun.”

“You are a weirdo, Madej,” Daysha said, with a brow raised, her smile endearing.

Shane felt his cheeks flush. When he moved to Los Angeles, he thought he’d have a hard time making friends. BuzzFeed had proved him wrong, made him meet some of the best people he’s ever known, made him feel like part of something in a way he never did at home when it came to his professional life.

He still missed Chicago. The boys. Mom’s meatloaf.

But Los Angeles was starting to become his home, too. And then, then—

“Big guy!”

Ryan.

He turned to find the man with a big smile, showing him what looked like tickets, and Shane rolled his eyes at the same time Daysha laughed behind him, passing him to walk towards her desk. He knew exactly what was coming even before the little guy shoved the tickets to his chest.

“Best seats!” He said, letting Shane take the tickets. They’ve done this so many times by now. “You can’t say no!”

“I can’t say no?” Shane arched an eyebrow, looking at the Lakers logo in the paper. “How’s that? Watch me—“ He gave Ryan the tickets back and smiled wide at him, watching the second the man started to scowl at him. “Nope!”

Ryan snorted, laughing with that childish expression he always put on when he was having genuine fun. It was as if he had never forgotten how to laugh like a child in all his years, and it was kind of wonderful.

It made Shane smile back, hoping it wouldn’t show in his face just how fond of the man he had gotten with the passing of the months, how much he liked his presence, thought him a special one.

Curly’s laugh as he passed behind Ryan told him he was doing a poor job at it. So Shane swallowed his smile and turned back to take his seat, clearing his throat as he walked, Ryan running behind him.

“Come on, big guy, it’s just a game!”

“Why do you want me to go so bad?” Shane asked, frowning as he moved to face Ryan, who stopped his walk right in front of him, straddled by his question. “It’s just a game, you can go with anyone… anyone who likes sports. Like Zack!”

“But, it’s—” Ryan tried, but words seemed to fall short and meaningless in his mouth.

Shane saw him swallow, his eyes going from Shane’s throat to his lips, then his eyes. His frown went deeper, an occurrence that happened at least twice a week nowadays, when Ryan seemed to hide something from Shane even when it obviously regarded him.

“It’s just that…” Ryan tried a third and fourth time until something formed better on his tongue. “You’re my friend; I want to share this with you.”

“Well,” Shane sighed, starting to walk again, Ryan behind him once more until he approached their joined desks. “In that case, there’s plenty of other stuff we can do together that we both like.”

“Uhm.” He said, agreeing but not quite so, sitting at Shane’s side.

“Like movies,” Shane proposed, leaving his coffee on the table to now look at Ryan. “We can go to the cinema… or, to someone’s place. Watch a movie or two. Discuss it until we are both old and have no memory of who the other is.”

Ryan chuckled at that, finally looking more relaxed. Shane sighed, watching as the man thought about it by licking his lips and looking down. Slowly, Ryan looked up at him with a slightly disappointed yet satisfied, if that was possible, expression.

“Okay,” he announced, Shane smiled at him. “I still don’t understand why are you so opposed to going to one game.”

“I don’t like sports!” He shrugged.

Ryan crossed his arms over his chest. “You like baseball, sir.”

Dear Lord, he was not going to shiver right there. Shane cleared his throat and shook his head, distracting himself by looking at his computer.

“Baseball and basketball are two very different things, Bergara,” he said. “Baseball…” Shane started, opening his archives to start working at least. “Is like chess.”

Curly laughed behind him, Shane moved his chair to see the man passing, winking at him. Curly laughed again, this time moving his brows funnily at them. Shane saw Ryan’s confused expression first thing when he turned around, and he couldn’t help but laugh, looking back at Curly.

Shane made gun fingers at him with his right hand, winking again and going back to talk to Ryan.

“What—“

“You know, there’s the whole game and the pieces have to move on the—“

“What was that?” Ryan asked, and Shane looked at him. His frown was deeper than ever, the little guy looked frustrated. “That with Curly, man. What was it?”

“Uh, nothing important,” Shane said.

“Okay, keep your funny references to yourself…” He said, uncrossing his arms and turning on his chair to put attention to his own computer.

After a few seconds, Shane sighed.

“It’s from fucking porn, Ryan.” He said, and the man looked back at him immediately. “Alright? The baseball-is-like-chess joke, it’s from gay porn.”

“Gay porn?” Ryan asked, frowning deeper. “Why?”

“Why—I don’t know! I mean, the “plot” is that this baseball player and his—“

“No, not that—I mean…” He swallowed, just then Shane realized how uncomfortable Ryan looked. “Why do you know that?”

Oh.

Oh, fuck

that

.

“Because I watched it,” Shane answered, crossing his arms over his chest.

Ryan blinked, still looking confused as fuck. “Why?”

“Because I like it,” he said.

“Uh… okay… uhm.”

“Because I like men, Ryan.”

The clarification was left in the air, tensing the space between them as Ryan seemed to process what Shane had just said.

Shane saw as it became real to the man. The way his eyes had opened, wondering then understanding, the movement of his lips as he tried to say something then—disgust. Shane frowned, ready to put on his big boy pants when Ryan’s cheeks went red, the man looking down and just seeming… guilty.

“I’m sorry,” he said, low enough that no one but Shane would hear. “Sorry, I didn’t—I didn’t know.”

“You look uncomfortable.”

“I’m not!” Ryan looked up. “I’m not.” The second time he said it, it looked like if he meant it.

Shane observed him for a few seconds more, pushing his glasses back on their place as he turned back to his work.

“Okay.”

A good way to get rid of a crush.

Shane swallowed, trying to distract himself by putting his earphones on and working himself out of the office by noon without incident. He tried his best to not look at Ryan as they both worked, awkwardness floating around them, making a tense wall between them until Ryan—

There was something on his shoulder. A finger tapping at it shyly, like a kid in middle school.

When Shane looked at it, he found Ryan and his pink cheeks again, this time looking apologetic and still guilty as fuck. Shane took off his earphones, leaving them around his neck.

“Yeah?”

“You want to have lunch?” Ryan asked, sounding small. “With me, I mean.”

Shane blinked a couple of times, watching Ryan and his behavior. The man was nervous, that much he could tell. He had this clean-shaven baby face that Shane had liked since day one, his hair always styled, his clothes so much like those of a college student still. And he was very handsome, sunny like, happy, cute in a way.

He looked almost scared now.

“Sure,” Shane said. Ryan’s shoulders relaxed visibly and Shane bit the inside of his cheek, trying not to think much about it. “Don’t sweat it, man. You look like if you just hit my puppy with your car or something.”

“I’m—” He laughed. “I’m sorry, It’s just that—” The man choked on his own words and laugh, Shane laughed with him and finally, the atmosphere between them seemed to change again. “God, I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to think I have a problem with you being gay. I don’t. I’m sorry I reacted like that, I’m so sorry.”

“Ryan.” Shane chuckled. “Calm down, is okay.” He said, sighing after. “And I’m bisexual, by the way. I go all ways.”

“Oh, okay,” Ryan smiled at him. “So, uhm. Lunch.”

“Oh, yes.”

He followed Ryan outside the office, to the Chipotle near the office as they talked about anything but what had just happened. The man didn’t mention the game again either, so whatever — Shane took that as a win at least.

But Ryan couldn’t shut up, he nervously talked Shane’s ears off, and Shane just sat down there with his burrito, looking as the man let his food get cold, talking like he couldn’t bear a single moment of silence between them.

“Ryan.”

Like he was afraid of something else. Shane moved his head to one side, watching him talk about his college adventures.

“Ryan, man—”

About the kind of videos they did once, his silly ideas of what was fun and what he knows now that isn’t, the cringe-worthy shit he used to do, how self-deprecating he used to be and still is. Shane arched an eyebrow, letting his back be supported by the chair fully, just looking at Ryan talk.

“Ryan,” he said, and the man looked down and kept talking. “Ryan!”

Finally, he looked up and saw Shane.

“Ryan, it’s okay,” Shane said, sighing after. “Look, I’m not offended and nothing is happening, okay?” He said, and Ryan nodded in front of him. “I’m not mad at you, nothing is changing…”

Ryan looked down and nodded again. There was something he wasn’t saying and Shane wondered if he would ever hear it, or if Ryan has ever said it out loud.

“Nothing’s gonna change, right?” Shane insisted. “You knowing I’m into guys, that’s…”

“No, nothing’s gonna change. No,” Ryan said, looking up at him. “I just, you know…” He swallowed, taking a sip of his soda before looking at Shane in the eyes. Shane arched an eyebrow again. “I just think that you are a very… funny guy.”

He blinked.

“And I would hate… I would hate to not be friends…” His cheeks were pink again, Shane frowned in confusion, his heart betraying him as it beat faster. “I would hate to not be friends with the funniest guy in the office.”

Funny guy. Shane wondered if Ryan really meant that.

“Okay,” Shane smiled at him. “You are friends with the funniest guy in the office.” He assured him, Ryan smiled back, finally putting hands on his food. “So, you were saying that you made some cringy Christmas video?”

“Oh yeah,” He said, mouth full of burrito. Ryan chewed on his food, and Shane smiled at the sight and just—how much happier he looked now. “It was stupid. I loved it.”

“Well, that’s funny…” Shane said, making Ryan look up at him. “I made some ridiculous Christmas video with my friends, too.”

“You’re kidding,” He said, blinking. Shane shook his head, Ryan laughing like the sun shining in the morning, and Shane’s heart ached a bit. “No way! So, we both have—“

“Yeah.”

“Oh!” He looked down, smiling to himself and biting his bottom lip. Shane looked away. “Oh, we are meant to be, big guy.”

Shane closed his eyes for a few seconds, reminding himself this guy was his friend, straight, and his friend. Not available at all. He didn’t mean those words as anything but friendship, a friendly joke.

“Yeah,” Shane said, opening his eyes to a smiling Ryan. “We are meant to be, little guy.”
 
The problem was simple and very stupid. The same old story Shane always tried to avoid:

He liked a straight guy.

As with many other stories like his, Ryan was not just any straight guy. He was special, he was sweet and understanding, and had the same kind of ridiculous and niche humor Shane had, liked the same crap movies, even the way he ate his popcorn was so akin to Shane’s preference, it was actually insane.

On top of that, Shane adored Ryan’s girlfriend.

She was so much like him, it would hurt if it wasn’t for the fact that he had genuinely befriended her, and loved to share the mic with the woman at the karaoke bar every Friday when he third-wheeled them into singing yet another Fleetwood Mac song.

Things would be easier if he could just stop looking at Ryan and wishing for him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with him. He could just stop going out with him, even if he put on those puppy eyes and begged for an explanation.

He could—

“Hey,” He heard, unfamiliar knuckles knocking at his desk.

Shane looked up to find the tiny girl with the long pink hair at his side, looking down at him with her hands now behind her back.

“Hey,” Shane said back, just looking at her moving nervously as she stood in front of him, changing her weight from one foot to the other.

“Hi,” She said, and Shane blinked a couple of times. “So, uhm—I need someone for a video, and I was wondering if you would like to be in it.”

“Uh,” Shane blinked again, then nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

“Great!” She smiled, genuinely looking happy. “You are, uhm—you are Shane, right?”

“Yeah.” He said, hoping she would say her name because, boy oh boy, was he bad at names. “And you are—“

“Jane!” She said, he hoped Jane hadn’t noticed he had forgotten. “Jane…” She said again, visibly swallowing. “So, should I send you the details in an e-mail, or…” Her little dance was back, she moved to one side then the other on her feet. “Would you like to discuss it… over lunch…?”

“Uh, no. E-mail is alright.” He smiled. “I’m—I’m having lunch with the guys, Jen’s gonna kill me if I leave them.”

“Oh, yeah,” She said, like remembering he was doing a series with other people. “Right!” Jane said, frowning. “Shit, yes.”

“So, an e-mail is ok.”

“Yeah, okay. I will!”

Jane waved at him, the tip of her nose was getting red and her cheeks pink, but before Shane could invite her to go with them, she was off to her side of the office. He stayed there, frowning at the exchange and wondering. Just wondering.

“Oh man, she is into you,” Daysha said that same day over lunch, Jen and Maycie nodding at both her sides, Ryan sitting at his right. “Wow, you certainly are kinda blind.”

“That I am,” He answered, still shocked by the revelation. “I don’t think she likes me, guys. We haven’t even… talked.”

“Dude,” Jen shrugged. “Hello, she has eyes and she’s straight.”

“What does—“

“Oh my God,” Maycie looked at him with incredulity in her face. “Jen just called you hot, you are oblivious to the highest form of compliment. A super gay just called you good-looking,” She said, and Shane frowned again. “Jesus, Shane!”

“I can’t believe you…” Daysha shook her head. “You are tall, cute, nice and humble. Of course Janey girl is into you. You are her kind of nerd.”

Maycie giggled at her side, Jen nodded and kept eating, so Shane looked at Ryan, searching for some help in the matter. The man looked far away, distractedly playing with his food as he looked at it, lost in thought.

He looked back at Daysha and Jen, both shook their heads, nobody knowing was what up with the guy. Shane put a hand on his shoulder and shook him gently.

“Hey, man. You there?” He murmured.

Slowly, Ryan looked up at him. He stayed looking at his face for a few long seconds, long enough to make him feel naked and exposed. Shane cleared his throat, waking Ryan up from whatever imaginary world he was in, looking around to find the girls watching his actions with worried eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Ryan said. “I just, I haven’t had much sleep, is all.”

“Yeah…” Jen murmured. “You look pale, are you sure it’s just that?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah—don’t worry,” Ryan swallowed, taking his water and uncapping it. “I just need some rest and I’ll be as good as new.”

“Uhm,” Maycie arched an eyebrow. “Problems in Paradise?”

“What?” He said, spilling a bit of his water on the way to his mouth, making Shane move away and Daysha shook her head. “Shit! No, it’s not—“ Ryan left the bottle on the table, taking napkins to clean his pants. Shane went back to his seat. “No, nothing of the likes. I’m just really tired, man.”

Shane looked at him for a second as the girls went back to their gushing. He looked up at them, listening as they instructed him how to deal with the situation, encouraging him to ask Jane out, get to know her. He sighed, wondering what was it with Ryan this time.

The man looked deep in thought the rest of the day, Shane looked at him for the ninth time that afternoon as he was opening the e-mail from Sara, who was directing Jane’s video and had sent him the promised details.

Shane sighed, instructions and an attached script were in the mail, so Shane downloaded the document as he read his friend’s indications, the schedule, the winky face at the end, letting him know she was on board the Jane-and-Shane train.

He read the thing. Read it a second time. Thought about Daysha, Maycie and Jen’s words. Sara’s winky emoji. He looked at Ryan.

“What would you do in my place?”

“Uhm?” Ryan looked back, an eyebrow up. “What do you mean?”

“Read this.”

Ryan moved from his side of the shared desk, too close to Shane to the point he could smell his cologne and just… that thing that made him Ryan, sunshine Ryan.

Swallowing, Shane waited for him to finish the highlighted parts of the script to understand his doubt. He saw him shake his head while laughing, looking at him with a knowing smile.

“Well, she is going for the big prize.”

“Yeah…” He swallowed. “I don’t… I don’t know how to feel about it.”

“Uhm, you know,” he started, “you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.” Ryan shrugged. “You don’t have to like her back.”

“I know that, it’s just…”

“Shane,” Ryan smiled at him. “Why are you single?”

“What?”

Ryan looked around his face, the same way he did when he was drunk and looking too much at him. It was also the same way he did that night when they had been interns, when Ryan told him about his plans of becoming a dentist. Or that day when he explained why it was so important to him to get Shane into a Lakers’ game.

Soon, his eyes were back on Shane’s, and he smiled.

“You are a… funny guy,” He sighed. “Funny guys get good girlfriends. Or boyfriends. I don’t understand how you are single.”

“Well, I just…” He swallowed, looking away. “I don’t know, Ryan.”

“I think you do,” He crossed his arms over his chest, for some reason looking uncomfortable. “I think you’re, like… I think you’re into someone, but if nothing has happened until now, maybe it will never. And you know that.” He licked his lips before continuing. “You said you had a crush and—”

“That was months ago,”

“And yet, here we are,” Ryan sighed. “Don’t do this, big guy. Don’t close yourself off. You’re a good catch, you know? I think you should let yourself meet other people. Not just… close yourself to this one crush.” He suggested, looking at him with a tenderness he shouldn’t have for Shane.

So he looked away.

“Don’t get mad,” Ryan said, palming his shoulder a couple of times before going back to his work. “Again, you don’t have to like her back. But I think it wouldn’t hurt to get to know her.”

Ryan’s words echoed in his head as he responded to Sara’s e-mail with a thumbs up as he walked to his car to go home, and found her at the entrance.

“Jane likes you. Like, big time likes you,” She said, he reminded silent as she seemed to wait for a better reaction she was not getting. “You know, a pretty girl likes you A LOT. Like, she asked me for advice —

me

, single awkward lesbian — about how to get into your pants.”

“Stop talking like that about yourself, you’ll find someone.”

“I’m married to my work and my art,” Sara avoided the theme as she always did. “Anyway, back to Janey girl…”

“Why do you guys keep calling her that?” He asked, walking faster towards his car, Sara stood there frowning.

“Hey!” She yelled at him when he pretty much ran to the car, the woman shortly behind him. “Don’t be an ass, come back here!”

“Sara,” Shane turned to look at her. Her own pink hair shone softer in the sunlight of that afternoon, and Shane wished they were other people in another dimension, where they could like each other and somewhere end up together. It would be so much easier. “I’m not into her.”

“I know, I know,” she said, putting a hand over his wrist. “That’s why I’m saying… you

know

, Shane. I’m not blind.”

He frowned. “What?”

“I know you like Ryan,” Sara murmured, probably because they were in the parking lot at everyone’s quitting time, and could be heard by the man himself or anyone who could tell him. “And the two of us know that’s not going anywhere.”

“He’s my friend.” He said, mostly to himself, to convince his brain and heart to shut the fuck up. “I know.”

“Well, it doesn’t look like it,” Sara sighed. “Look, do this video with Jane. Get to know her a bit, go for ice-cream? And maybe something can happen. Even if not, it will be the first step.”

First step.

Laying on the floor of his room, looking at the ceiling for some sort of answer, Shane thought of the whole day he had just survived. There was nothing in the old and humid white of the ceiling, just the reflection of an empty life Shane didn’t want.

Ryan was right, Sara was right. He should let go of the crush that is obviously never gonna happen. He should let go of it—of him, of Ryan.

Ryan was his friend,

only

his friend.

Shane moved to lay on his side, looking at his own hand on the floor. He could still smell Ryan so near him, feel the warmth of his hand on his shoulder, see the color of his eyes and the heaviness of his words.

Shane closed his eyes.

This was it now, time to move on.
 
Never in his life has he been this jealous for a

friend

.

“Shane,” Sara called him for god knows what time. He sighed, looking at her. “You know that you are being ridiculous, right?”

He swallowed, clenching his jaw as he looked away, sitting under the umbrellas outside the office. It wasn’t even their break, he just needed to get the fuck away from Ryan and Brent. Fucking Brent and traitorous Ryan.

“Yeah. I know,” he answered, because it was true.

So, the guys had their little crime videos approved to be a series. And it was great! Ryan loved it, he had told Shane the idea so many times by now, Shane knew every detail and plan by heart. He accompanied Ryan to his apartment to write the e-mail to pitch the initial idea, had gotten his beer when he was told

sure, do your little video

.

... And had smiled when Ryan told him he had asked Brent to host the video with him, even when it had been Shane there the whole process. Even when Shane had been one with the same intense interest in these things the whole time.

The idea is of two friends just having a conversation

, Ryan had said. Shane cursed before standing, leaving Sara behind, shaking her head as she waited for him to calm the fuck down and behave like the adult he was.

Two friends having a conversation, like in a bar or something. So I’m telling this story about this interesting case, and he reacts to it!

It was a goddamn fucking good idea and Ryan was enamored with it. The little guy deserved this win, his relationship was going through some rocky patch and he was looking dead inside before he was given the good news.

He was smiling now, excited for what was to come, and he deserved this.

So why, why was Shane so fucking mad at it?

“You wanted to be in the series,” Sara offered once he sat down again. She shrugged. “You helped Ryan with it, you two have been friends almost since day one, you thought he’d call you in the first place.”

His head was aching, and she was right. Shane licked his lips and nodded.

“Can we please go back inside? It’s too hot today…” She said, looking more tired than Shane had ever seen her.

“I’m so sorry,” He said, holding her hand in the middle of the table. “Fuck, I’m sorry I got you into this. I know I’m being stupid, it’s just—I don’t know. I didn’t know it would affect me this much.”

Sara sighed, smiling in a strange way that let him know she truly understood but was still tired as fuck.

In another life, he was having this tantrum and Jane was calling him sweet names, helping him just like Sara was doing now, and kissing him at the end instead of just taking his hand. The little picture in his head made him wish things had gone romantic between them, that their attempt at dating had worked.

But in the life he was given, Sara just smiled at him and sent him back to his desk, promising to be there if he needed someone to vent to, while Jane was at the side of the office doing her own thing. It was such a shame they couldn’t even end up as friends.

“Just… not at five, I got a… something.”

“A date. You can say it, woman, I’m not going to cry.”

“Okay, I got a date with the prettiest girl.”

“Awesome.” Shane looked up at her. “From work?”

Sara put her hands on her hips, frowning. “You think I can’t get a date outside work?”

He arched an eyebrow, she sighed and flipped him the bird, making him smile wide like a cat.

“Fuck you, yeah. She’s an intern.”

“Cradle robber!”

“Hush!” She lightly slapped his shoulder, making him laugh as Ryan appeared behind her, carrying an extra-large coffee while looking dead inside again. “Jesus, what happened to you?”

“I’m doing research for the rest of the season.”

“Aww, baby,” Sara smiled at him, seeing as he sat down beside Shane. “Welcome to the big leagues.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah… I just,” he said, gesturing wildly towards the computer in front of him. Sara looked at Shane with a wondering smile, “need to concentrate on this shit! And just—get my head out my fucking ass.”

“Little guy,” Shane called, touching Ryan’s calf with his foot. “Are you okay?”

Ryan’s eyes went to where Shane’s foot was touching his leg and, slowly, Shane moved it away, the man following it back to Shane’s side of the table. When he looked up, Shane hoped he wasn’t blushing or so help him, God, he was going to jump out the fucking window.

“I’m,” Ryan started, looking past Shane to Sara, then back at his friend. “I’m alright. I’m alright.” And went back to the computer. “I’m alright.”

Sara was looking at Shane when he turned, she signaled the poor guy and Shane sighed, moving to attend Ryan once more as she retired for the time being.

“Hey, man,” Shane insisted. “Are you sure you are okay? You can vent on me, you k—”

“Brent left the show,” Ryan said, words running into each other. Shane’s eyes opened wide. “We just got serialized, and he left the show.” Ryan chuckled without humor, something bitter and unusual in him. “I knew this would happen, and yet…”

“Shit,” Shane murmured, mad at himself for feeling—this. This stupid feeling of, relief? Jesus. “What, what are you going to do?”

“I have no fucking idea.” He answered, putting his earphones on, finishing the conversation like that.

Shane blinked a couple of times, thinking of how he could get the man to look at him and talk, tell him what had happened. Had he fought with Brent? Had something else happened? His curiosity was eating him alive now, but there was no time for it or his internal celebrations.

Because fuck. He was the worst friend.

Seeing Ryan work hard on the rest of his series only told him one thing: he was doing it, co-host or not, Ryan was continuing with Unsolved and nothing would stop him now. Shane smiled, going back to his own work and letting him calm down, maybe talk later.

Later, because by five in the afternoon there was still no sign of Ryan ever coming back to Earth. Soon, they were gonna be the last ones in the office. Shane looked at him for a second, then turned to wave at Sara when the woman and the blonde, cheerful intern that had helped him in the latest Debatable passed by.

He made a thumbs up at his friend, Sara returned the gesture with a big, stupid, dopey smile, and all he could do was to laugh.

“I’m done with this shit,” Ryan said, throwing his headphones on his keyboard, making Shane look at him immediately. “Fuck it.”

“Ry?”

The man stood, ignoring him and everyone else he passed by until he was in the kitchen where Shane had followed him, trying to understand what was happening and if he could help him out with something. Anything for him.

“Ryan,” He called, the man kept working on what Shane assumed was a cup of coffee. “Ryan, you haven’t eaten anything.”

But his friend didn’t give him an answer at all. He kept preparing his cup while Shane observed him nervously pour thing and after thing, his hands shaking until he stopped altogether, holding himself in the counter, knuckles going white with the pressure.

“Ryan?”

Again, no answer, but a whimper that made Shane move to Ryan’s side immediately.

He put a hand on the man’s shoulder, not sure of what to do as he looked everywhere to make sure no one was coming.

The office was almost empty, and Ryan’s sobs were low enough to not call anyone’s attention. They were the only ones in here, the only ones in this. And Shane had no idea what to do.

So, following his instincts, he covered the man with his body, hugging him from behind the best he could, feeling awkward and inappropriate like he was doing something he shouldn’t. But instead of pushing him away, Ryan turned in his arms and hugged him back with his arms holding strong to his shirt on his back.

“It’s okay, It’s okay…” He murmured against Ryan’s hair.

Later, he’d think of how well they fit against each other. Of Ryan’s smell, the warmth of him, the feeling of his body against Shane’s. He’d think of how much of an idiot he was for letting himself feel like this even after almost two years of knowing there was nothing Ryan could give him that would truly make him happy.

He’d come then to another conclusion, the same one he was getting at right now as he held Ryan strong in his arms, and let him wet his white shirt. As he kissed the top of his head and put attention as he spoke against his chest.

“Lily is sick.” He said, Shane’s brain immediately supplied: Lily, Ryan’s dog. She was old. “We will probably have to put her down.”

Shane nodded, knowing how hurtful this was for the whole family, how it probably felt worse with the stress of not only providing the rest of the season of Ryan’s new series, but the stress of losing his co-host.

“Brent just left,” He reminded him, Shane nodded again and waited to see if there was something else. “And my girlfriend and I…”

Well, fuck.

“I don’t know what’s going on…”

There was nothing he could tell this man that would make him feel better, so Shane only held him against his chest, rocking them slowly as he let him dry his tears on him. Little by little, Ryan’s arms around him relaxed and he slowly moved, going away from his arms, looking up at Shane.

For a second too long, Shane wished that alternate universe was theirs, and that he lived in it.

A world where Ryan telling him his secrets and things he has never told anyone before meant he trusted him that much, that he trusted his heart was safe with Shane, that Shane was allowed into it.

Shane smiled at him, caressed his chin slightly and waited for Ryan to say anything.

“Funny guy,” Ryan murmured, there was something sweet in his eyes and Shane swallowed. “God, I’ve never done that before,” he chuckled, clearing his throat when he realized Shane hadn’t laughed with him. “I…”

“Are you okay?” Shane asked, still looking at him.

Ryan nodded as he held his gaze once more, smiling this time.

“Now,” He admitted, Shane smiled back. “Thank you, big guy.”

Shane shook his head, he’ll later slap himself mentally for this, but—

“Anything for you, little guy.”

Shane did think about the kind of idiot he was making of himself later. He also thought about how much shit Scott and Sara were to give him when they inevitably find out about that afternoon, and also about the lack of sleep Shane got that night.

He also thought of what he had just discovered about himself, or what he was finally understanding.

That Ryan was more than a friend, more than a crush. Special.

“Uhm,” He heard Ryan mutter after Shane had sat down in his seat the next morning, he looked at the guy sitting beside him. “So, I was thinking…”

“What’s up?” He asked after Ryan didn’t finish his sentence. The man looked nervous.

“You, uh… Would you like to be on Unsolved?”

He hadn’t seen it coming.

“Uh,” Shane swallowed, licking his lips before smiling shyly at Ryan. “Yeah, sure.”

“Uh-huh, okay. Yeah, yeah. That’s okay, that’s fine.”

They looked back at their computers, headphones off and around their necks, little smiles on their faces as they worked on their respective projects, answered e-mails, and imagined one hundred scenarios of how the show would go on with the two of them together.

Shane chuckled, his heart beating fast inside his chest, cheeks feeling warm as he tried to contain his happy laugh. He bit his bottom lip, knowing Ryan was looking at him now, not sure of how to take the emotions he was feeling as his head finally processed the news: he was now Ryan’s co-host, like he had wanted.

In silence, they kept working, smiles on their faces.
 
“You wanna hear something stupid?” Shane asked, voice sounding ill.

Just the night before, they had been yelling stupidities out on their hotel room’s balcony, drunk out of their minds in New Orleans, even when they had work to do the next day. Still, Ryan looked at him now, his headache stronger for the lack of sleep, this morning’s hangover, and the fucking scare he had gotten while exploring the voodoo place.

When Shane was sure the little guy was looking, he blinked and sighed in almost defeat, his own words in that bathroom still so present in his head.

“I was mad at you when you didn’t ask me to be on Unsolved first.” He confessed, and Ryan blinked a couple of times, as though unsure if he was hearing right. “I hated that you chose Bennett and not me.”

It hung there in the air between them.

Shane wasn’t sure how they had ended up like this, Ryan sitting on the ground with his back leaning on his bed, Shane sitting with his to the little couch that came with the room, in front of him.

The lights were off, and Ryan was still mute from the investigation, too nervous to go to sleep, too important to Shane for him to just go to sleep knowing well Ryan felt like this.

He blinked again and Shane sighed, standing up to change into his pajamas.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said, hoping Ryan wouldn’t bring it up later.

Shane frowned, asking himself why he had brought it up anyway. His brain had just puked that into existence because the silence between them was becoming so terrible. It didn’t matter now, it was out in the open and Ryan would most likely want to talk about it, especially with how bitter it had sounded coming from Shane’s mouth.

He sighed, taking his clothes as Ryan stood and walked towards him slowly. He could almost feel Ryan’s hesitation to approach him and talk to him, even when he had come so close to Shane. So, he turned, finding the man closer than he thought.

Frowning, he waited for the inevitable, but instead of any words, there was only Ryan looking at him again with that same expression—his ‘you’re a funny guy’ eyes, as his brain had labeled them by now.

Shane waited for the words, but they never came.

In its place, there was Ryan getting closer, eyes glued to Shane’s face, to his chin—his lips. To his lips. Shane froze on his place, heart stopping altogether as the man came closer and closer to his mouth.

If he kissed Ryan now, what would it mean? They were both single, even if Ryan kept going out with a different girl almost every weekend with no luck of a steady relationship like he wanted. If Shane kissed him now, would he stop and stay with him?

“Ryan?”

He didn’t realize they had leaned into each other’s faces, lips almost brushing.

Ryan’s breath took his away, the warmth of his presence was intoxicating already and if this was just having him this close, Shane was sure he would die tonight for this kiss, and would do so gladly.

In the second it took Ryan to look between Shane’s lips and his eyes, closing his, Shane thought of letting him go, save him from the confusion and the problems getting cozy with his best friend and co-host could mean.

But tonight he wanted to be a selfish man, have this for himself. There, between their shared breaths and the magnetism of his lips so close to Shane’s, Ryan opened his eyes and took a step back, Shane following his mouth to then be suddenly hit with the reality of his friend’s wide open eyes, scared as fuck.

They looked at each other for what felt like a year, or maybe the three years Shane had been in this cycle of letting go and holding on.

Without a word, Ryan fled the room, closing the door gently but it made the most thunderous sound to Shane’s ears.

He let go of his clothes which hit the floor, and sat down on his bed, right hand covering his mouth.

It felt like heartbreak.

Shane held his mouth in his hand until his jaw hurt and his knuckles were white, swallowing his own sobs as tears went down his face, trapped between his fingers, wetting his chin. He stayed like that, silently crying and shaking on his own until there were no more tears to cry.
 
Somehow, they survived.

The seasons changed, the show got renewed, they had a stronger and ever-growing fanbase, and Shane had a short-lived rebound boyfriend who Ryan seemed to hate but said nothing about.

Dave waited for him every day outside the office at lunch break, and every day without another word, Shane would leave with him and enjoy his homemade lunch somewhere silent where they could talk and eat at peace.

Like this, the closure he thought he needed from Ryan didn’t seem to be as important.

Shane supposed that night in New Orleans had been enough for the two of them. And while he didn’t want to think much about how Ryan had reacted when Shane told him he was going steady with Dave, he remained his friend and his co-host, his partner in crime.

His heart hurt less every day until it didn’t, and when his relationship ended and Ryan insisted on taking him out with his group of friends, it didn’t make him feel the same as before.

There were no electric butterflies in his stomach, flying around his blood, closing his throat and wanting to escape through his mouth. There were no dreams of soft lips he never tasted, warm eyes and strong hands.

There was just them, sitting in a tiki bar with Ryan’s friends, the softness of the pink and blue lights giving them perfect excuses for pictures and blurry Instagram stories that were too loud.

Somewhere else, in another world, they sat down together and held hands under the table as Ryan’s friends teased him about it. In that world, they had kissed that night in New Orleans, had talked after, something else had happened.

In this one, Shane called a Lyft for Ryan and went home to his newly acquired apartment, and life kept its course.
 
“Where are we going, big guy?” He heard Ryan ask, a camera on Shane’s nose almost immediately.

“We’re… aaaah… London! To London!” He answered, distracted by the overwhelming feeling of going to Europe with this man in particular.

Ryan laughed at his reaction, cutting his film and smiling up at him, today too happy to be the same guy that kept drunk calling him after spending the afternoon and the best part of the night before out with his friends.

They traveled together for a living, but going to Europe with Ryan was something he never thought would happen. Hell, he just never thought of it. And now here they were, England as humid but not as gray as the TV sells, together for a few episodes of Unsolved.

For this trip, in particular, there were no couples or extra friends on this trip, just them and the crew. TJ would be leaving in a few days, meeting his wife in Paris, while Mark was coming back home the same day. Devon was staying, but she had announced to have her own plans for most days.

Shane was on his own with Ryan; these kinds of vacations were something he never imagined he’d have with this man.

The worst part was that somehow, somewhere deep inside him, the pieces of his heart that still held up what he once felt for Ryan were screaming

ROMANTIC TRIP

in a way that made him wish he was as

feelingless

as people thought him to be.

It made him think that, if he had still been with Dave, would his chest still have felt the pressure he was feeling right now as he walked the streets of London at Ryan’s side? The idea made him feel like the biggest bastard, even when he was hurting no one but himself with all his bullshit.

He wondered if it was the case, or if at some point during Ryan’s 1 AM calls his feelings had just come back.

With no ghouls in their pockets, business became a trip to rest and not think of his problems back home. It became the little moments he was always sharing with Ryan, the silence between takes and back in the hotel before one would say he was tired and retired to their room.

Tonight, though, they were out alone after leaving TJ and Mark in the airport, Devon staying in the hotel to rest after a long week of filming.

“Can I ask you something personal?” Ryan asked after a short silence once they were inside the bar, sitting in front of each other with their drinks.

“Sure, go for it.”

Ryan sighed, Shane looked at him with curiosity at his preoccupied expression. Whatever Ryan was thinking of, it was serious and Shane felt the tip if his anxiety drilling in his heart, crushing it between his friendship and his romantic feelings for this man.

“How… Please, don’t take this wrong or anything.” He said, swallowing. Shane nodded, waiting for it. “How did you knew you were into guys?”

Oh.

Shane’s eyebrows met his hairline and all he could do was laugh a little, taking a sip of his beer while thinking of his answer.

“It’s fine.” Shane started, remembering.

He held his chin in one hand, drumming the fingers of the other on the table. “When I was fourteen, I had this really cute neighbor, Ben, and we were friends.” He said, licking his lips while looking at Ryan who seemed very concentrated on his narration.

“One day, we were sitting in a park, on the swings and we were talking about this girl that kept sending me cute little notes during class. Ben was eating a red popsicle and it was melting on his hands and lips, and I couldn’t stop looking.”

“Oh,” Ryan exclaimed, his cheeks turning pink. Maybe it was the alcohol.

“In a heartbeat, it crossed in my mind—What if I kiss him?” He continued, smiling at Ryan when the man looked at him again. “I asked myself, why would I do that? This is another guy! And I just knew.”

Ryan nodded with him, smiling back at Shane before biting his bottom lip.

“And did you?”

“Uh?”

“Did you kiss him?”

“No.” He answered, sighing and taking his drink to his lips. “But I went to his wedding last year, he married the girl that kept sending me cute notes.”

“Oh!” Ryan chuckled, his eyes closing and his perfect teeth showing as his hand went to his chest. It happened every time, and it always left Shane breathless. “Man, that’s… that’s ironic, I guess.”

“It’s amazing, actually. They make a lovely couple.”

They laughed together like Shane hadn’t cried for two months after their almost kiss. Maybe it was all that Bergara charm, the spell Ryan’s personality had on him and many other people. Maybe it was that he knew his friend wouldn’t want to hurt him, that there was this one big thing in him that kept him quiet when whatever was between them was concerned.

His curiosity wasn’t enough to ask Ryan about it, his fear too powerful to help the case.

“I… I fell in love for the first time when I was seventeen.” Ryan shared, and Shane nodded for him to continue. “I never said anything about it because… I was scared.”

“Kinda feel like most are when that happens,” Shane commented, sensing Ryan’s fear for saying this. He wondered what was making him ask and talk about these things. “Did something happen?”

Ryan shook his head.

“No, I… I was actually kind of a jerk,” he said, his smile no longer happy or shy, but sad. “I regret the things that went down with that.” The man took a long sip of his beer. “I was a stupid cliché of a jock back then,” he confessed, looking at Shane. “I couldn’t talk without yelling, and I was just… so awkward. So even if I hadn’t been scared shitless about it, I would have never talked to this person because boy, was I deplorable back then.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true! Man, I’m not lying… I’m still kinda like that.” He sighed, his fingers of his left hand had gone to his ear, distractedly playing with it and Shane’s eyes had followed each movement while listening to Ryan. “I’m just a stupid jock.”

“Ryan, for fuck’s sake.” Shane looked at him, disapproving tone and all. “First of all, there’s nothing wrong on being scared—it’s funny seeing you squirm,” Ryan showed him his middle finger and Shane smiled, “but you know there’s nothing wrong about it.”

“Uhm.”

“And what if you are cliché? Clichés aren’t bad either, most of them,” he sighed, shrugging before gesturing at Ryan. “You are a good cliché!”

“A good cliché?” Ryan smiled.

“You are the sweetest jock, you know? Big, goody, will hug you when you are distressed, will fight bad guys for you. That’s you.”

Ryan laughed, his eyes were kind of glassy and his cheeks redder. He had just half a beer down, so Shane bit the inside of his cheek and tried to remind his brain and heart that this didn’t mean anything, Ryan had just shared something important to him and—

“It was a boy, that’s why it was so scary. To me. It’s always so scary for me.”

HOLY SHIT

, his brain screamed before it also yelled:

OH, I SEE

. And, of course. Shane looked at Ryan, the truth so clear on his face now, it felt like a cold bucket of water suddenly falling over Shane—

Because it had been right there all this time.

He smiled at the man, trying to be supportive and not freak out because—because—it meant nothing. His heart folded in on itself, hurting as if it had been made into a wrinkled paper ball, because it meant nothing about him and his feelings.

Even if Ryan was into guys, they were not gonna be and Shane knew it.

Shane’s feet touched Ryan’s calf, the man looked at him curiously and he smiled, trying to be supportive for his friend was still sad about his old mistakes, and Shane had the feeling saying this out loud was important to him.

“I’m not embarrassed about it, just sad”, he said. “I think that’s why I never told that to anyone before.”

“I understand.”

Understanding this part of Ryan actually made things clearer. It made sense, the way he reacted to him before, years ago, how he would feel awkward around the other LGBT people in the office but still seek their company.

It was kind of funny, adorable somehow, and just a little bit sad, that Ryan just didn’t know how to be part of all that.

Openly

, Shane guessed. And now, he had been chosen to know this part of his friend, too.

He couldn’t help but smile. “Hey…” Shane called his attention, Ryan looked up at him on his third beer, many laughs, and other stories later. “Thanks for trusting me.”

“What?” Ryan smiled, the tip of his nose shining bright red. “Oh man, you are such a good guy. Shut up.”

“Whaaaaat?” Shane laughed with him.

“Shut up, Shane!” He insisted with the biggest smile, something in him seemed relaxed now and Shane realized Ryan had been carrying this for far too long.

It made him think about that world again, even when he hadn’t in a long time.

That world Shane wished was his, that one where he was brave enough to turn to Ryan and ask him:

“Is this why you almost kissed me that night a year ago?”,

and maybe in that world, the answer was something else.

Maybe it was something he had yearned to hear back when it happened.

Today, the strange sensation in his stomach, as they walked back to the hotel later that night, was something else. It was some sort of relief, and that tenderness Shane will always have for Ryan.

His friend had trusted so much in him for such a long time, ever since they became friends and shared long nights of editing as interns and the realization made him smile while they walked between little laughs, Ryan shivering for how unaccustomed to the cold he was.

Shane could see the hotel ahead, they hadn’t gone too far that night and they have a tour planned with Devon in the morning. Drinking may have not been the best of ideas, but he couldn’t find it himself to regret this night.

“Thanks for listening to me, big guy.” Ryan murmured after a small silence, Shane looked at him. “Means a lot.”

“Yeah?”

Ryan nodded. They kept walking, slower now that they were closer to the entrance. Their fingers brushed close together, and Shane looked down at the short distance between them. It was just a small touch but, fuck, it initiated something in him like a motor.

“You know, it’s strange…” Ryan said, one hand inside his coat’s pocket, the other out. Touching Shane’s fingers from time to time as they walked. “There are things I’ve never said to even Danny, or Jake—or my ex, for that matter,” he looked up at Shane. “But you know them now.”

“Uh?”

“Why you think that is?” Ryan murmured.

Shane swallowed. His heart felt tiny, wrinkled like notebook paper.

He hadn’t noticed when they’d stopped walking, and were just looking at each other. But Shane remembered all of Ryan’s secrets he knew and kept close to his heart—

Like wanting to become a dentist to then discovering he was meant for something else. That time he and a cousin planned for days to escape home when they were teenagers but their grandmother caught them and never told their parents.

How he had liked and been happy when he had his first time, and that it killed him a little to find out the girl hadn’t enjoyed it at all. Or how he loved being the little spoon, in spite of the rules.

Shane frowned for a second. Why had Ryan chosen him to keep all these secrets for him? looking down at him as they approached the entrance, Shane stopped walking, making the man turn around to see him standing a few feet away, hands on the pockets of his coat.

“What’s up?” Ryan said, blinking. “Shane?”

It was Shane’s turn to blink, remembering how many of his own secrets he had shared with Ryan and why he had done it. Back then, and maybe now still—there was no one in the world he would trust as much as he did Ryan, since he had trusted him with his heart, in spite of everything else.

Even if Ryan never loved him back, his heart couldn’t be in better hands, so were his secrets, every little detail of what made him Shane Alexander Madej.

“What’s wrong?” Ryan insists, looking at him like trying to find an injury or something.

“Nothing.”
 
At some point, his feelings for Ryan increased and so did the times Shane noticed the man looking at him, biting his bottom lip and then smiling apologetically when their eyes meet.

Things had changed after the trip to England, and Shane wasn’t sure if he should put his finger on it, ask about it, demand an explanation for that almost kiss and these recent touches, and every confession Ryan has ever made to him.

He didn’t want to sound like a cliché, but maybe if he could just ask “what are we?”, his preoccupations could shut up at night and let him sleep.

In the meantime, Ryan laughed at TJ’s fake-angry face and let him film him as Devon’s house party came to an end at almost five am. Shane smiled at his friend when the man looked at him, and Shane showed him his phone as a way of telling him it was time for him to leave.

“I’m getting a Lyft. Wanna share?”

“Oh sure, man—It’s late!”

His drunkenness was gone already. The party had started earlier, almost at five pm when work was over. Ryan had his couple of drinks, but ate in between and then lost himself in games and movies until now.

Shane was the same, even if his head hurt a little. He really was feeling his sleepy state now that they stood outside, Lyft just turning in the corner. They got in, saying goodbye to everyone who had waited with them outside, a weekend of sleeping all day ahead of both.

“I’m going to have a killer headache tomorrow,” Ryan said at his side, as Shane let his head rest on the seat’s header. “No editing, I guess Kate’s gonna kill me.”

He couldn’t help but chuckle, throwing his head on the seat and listening to Ryan’s giggles. There was something so peaceful on just being like this together. Time has brought him to conclusions that could hurt, but in the meantime, all Shane wanted was to dive into all Ryan allowed him.

Warm on his thigh distracted him from his thoughts and Shane looked down to find Ryan’s hand on him.

“If I die,” Ryan started, not moving his hand. Shane kept his eyes on it, unable to do anything else. “If I die, I want you to know I’ll save you a seat whatever the fuck I go. I’m sure you’ll get there, too.”

Shane chuckled, licking his lips before finally looking up at his friend. “If you die, I would probably follow you.”

“Jesus!” Ryan looked at him, hand on his leg moving up a little. “Don’t say that! God—“

“Shit, I just heard it.” Shane frowned. “No, no—I mean, like. I would search for your ghost.”

Ryan blinked, a tiny smile appearing on his lips. “Are you saying that ghosts are real?”

“No,” Shane laughed, feeling his face warm up. “No, I’m saying that—that if you died, I would search for your ghost in case you were right. I’m pretty sure I won’t find anything, but please haunt me if you die before me.”

They laughed together, their driver giving them a look before going back to his work, ignoring them the best he could. Shane cleared his throat, eying the man before sighing as they looked at each other’s faces.

Ryan looked between his eyes and somewhere down, Shane blinked as he tried to not overthink the way Ryan licked his lips before talking.

“I would cry if you died,” Ryan assured him, hand moving to the inside of his thigh, squeezing it before caressing its way back to the top, staying there. “I don’t think I would be able to go around searching for ghosts if it happened.”

Shane swallowed, feeling as Ryan kept caressing his thigh, up and down, slowly and delicate.

“I would be too sad.” Ryan sighed. “Work, fans, ghosts… I wouldn’t be thinking of any of that. I wouldn’t have the mind for anything else but you.”

Is it fair to say that death sounded so romantic? Maybe he was drunker than he felt. Shane chuckled again, a nervous thing that made Ryan smile at him, then laugh with him.

His hand didn’t move, it felt as if it held Shane’s heart so close, all Shane could feel was Ryan, Ryan, Ryan…
 
Maybe being in love with your friend isn’t so bad, Shane had thought earlier that morning, up until the moment they ended, somehow, talking about exes and plans for the future.

None of them he could tell Ryan, at least not with the honesty Shane wanted to. Mostly because saying his future included him in all scenarios sounded not-so-friendly, but also because his plans were in constant change, always moving with him, always unsure if tomorrow he would still be co-hosting Unsolved, or if he would find himself somewhere else.

The idea of having Ryan away was ridiculous at this point, though.

Shane wondered, not for the first time, if he was one of those people that were to love but not be loved back by that person. If his stand in the romantic field was to be there for Ryan, become the cool uncle to his children, the companion that stays through old age and through divorce.

Ryan sighed now, sitting at his side under the window of their hotel room in Texas. He had been so nervous today, Shane had been so loud in the woods and on the bridge, putting on his best show to make his friend laugh. And while it had worked out, the lingering anxiety and fear in Ryan wouldn’t be going away easily now.

Definitely not so much with the theme in hand either.

“I don’t really miss her,” Ryan confessed, eyes glued to the wall as they sat down at each other’s side, lights off, open window letting soft music entering from the garden where the restaurant had some table. “I miss being in a relationship.”

“Yeah?” Shane yawned, tired but willing to stay awake for his friend. Ryan nodded. “How’s that?”

“I like being someone’s boyfriend,” Ryan confessed. “I love having someone to spoil, to be spoiled…” He smiled. “I like cuddling, I like being spooned, having someone to hold. Make them stay.” And then he sighed, “I just miss that.”

“Uh.”

Shane looked away, swallowing his jealousy while searching for the right thing to say.

“You know, I’ve been thinking…” Ryan started after a tense silent pause. “I’ve been thinking a lot about…” He gestured with his hands, like wanting to take something from his chest and Shane frowned. “Every time I fall in love, I have this crazy dream about what our life would be like and I always get stuck on that, and maybe that’s what ruins every relationship I have ever had.”

“What?” Shane frowned. “Our life? As in, like—you, you and this person you fall for?”

Ryan nodded. “I think that’s what happened with my ex.” He said, even though it had been two years since that relationship had ended. “Did you know we went to England once? She was born there, she… we traveled through Asia and then came here together. We planned that for a year.”

“Yeah, you mentioned something about it.”

He had mentioned everything about it to the point where Shane had felt as if he knew the city better than anyone thanks to Ryan’s memories. Shane swallowed now, trying to understand why was Ryan talking about all this so out of nowhere.

The man looked like if he was trying to say something else, so Shane kept quiet.

“I just think that I’ve always been so afraid of changes…” He swallowed, still looking away. “Because I’m eager to please others, I’m desperate to be accepted.” He looked up, Shane blinked a couple of times. “And that’s bullshit, you know? My parents didn’t teach me that.”

“Then, what do you think happened there?” Shane murmured, Ryan smiled at him.

“I build my life around my ex’s,” the man said. “And I always do that…” He swallowed. “And now I don’t… know what I want. I almost don’t recognize myself.” He looked up at Shane, Shane crossed his arms over his chest. “When I was younger, I used to mold myself to my partner. I thought I didn’t with her, but I think I may have.”

“Uhm.” Shane thought about it, of how Ryan was when he had been in a relationship, the difference between that guy and this one. “I don’t think so.”

“Really?” He asked, low and unsure.

“Yeah. Look, Ry…” Shane uncrossed his arms, scratching the back of his head before sighing. “So what if you did that before? You were young, probably a teen. That’s okay, it’s normal. As for this one? The way I see you, how I saw you back then when we met and you introduced me to her? You are still that guy.”

He sighed, trying this best not to give away everything he had worked so hard to maintain a secret. Ryan was looking at him now, putting all his attention to his words, searching for the lost hope. And fuck, if Shane wanted to give him everything he needed.

“You’ve just gotten older,” Shane concluded. “We are all getting older now, some things change, but…” and sighed, “you are still you.” Shane shrugged. “It will be okay, Ry.” He looked at him, smiling. Ryan smiled back. “You’ll find somebody great. Believe me, anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“What?” Ryan chuckled.

“Yeah! I’m not joking,” he said, smiling at the younger man. “You are… you are so amazing.” Shane swallowed.

Ryan smiled at him, his cheeks getting that pink glow Shane was becoming so familiar with. It didn’t help him to calm down and stop the things coming out his mouth, Ryan looked… beautiful.

“You are smart, sweet, cuddly, funny… you have a steady job, good income, a great sense of independence.” He sighed again, trying to calm his bullshit. “I know you like commitment with the right partner,” Shane licked his bottom lip and looked at Ryan. “And you are so… goddamn handsome. And cute. And hot, I guess.” He tried to dismiss everything he had just said, how stupid he was.

But the man was still looking at him in silence, blinking from time to time like he couldn’t believe everything Shane was saying. He’d give everything to make Ryan see himself the way Shane saw him, make him understand how amazing he truly was.

Instead, “I mean, I’m not that much into the muscles thing… but you make it work!”, he joked.

Ryan chuckled at that, closing his eyes and looking down with his cheeks still looking pink. Shane sighed, as he waited for Ryan to calm down, smiling at the man when he looked up at him, all sparkling eyes and happy expression.

“Well, I guess…” He started, “there’s gonna be someone.”

“Yeah!” Shane nodded, tone light and kind.

“Someone who likes the muscles thing.”

Shane chuckled, feeling his face get warm. “Sure, bud. Maybe you’ll find a sporty girl.” He said, “Or guy!”

Ryan smiled at that, nodding with Shane before sighing. “I’ve never dated a guy.”

“Really?” Shane stretched his legs and arms in front of him, looking at Ryan when he didn’t say anything else. He saw him swallowing, then shook his head. “That’s fine, maybe this will be your chance.”

“Maybe…” He said, crossing his arms, somehow making himself look smaller. “I have been with

a

guy, though. Once.” He sighed. “Maybe it’s not enough.”

Shane shook his head, trying hard not to laugh. “Not enough? What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know…” He admitted, almost whining. “I want to date a guy!” He said, making Shane snort as he saw him standing up. Shane looked up at him. “But I don’t even know how! I—I guess it’s not that different, but…”

He shrugged. Shane smiled up at him and took his hand when Ryan offered it, standing at his side as Ryan stretched.

“It’s okay,” Shane assured him. “I’ve… dated more guys than I have dated women,” Ryan turned to look at him, a question on his face. “And while there are differences, there always are with all people you ever date, doesn’t matter their gender.” He said, and Ryan blinked a couple of times. “Sure, sex can be different somehow, but none of it has to be a bad thing. If you get to date some guy…” Shane swallowed, putting a hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “It’ll be fine. You are a great dude, it’s gonna be alright.”

Ryan smiled brighter than he had in forever, nodding at Shane and slowly walking away to the bathroom, but he turned in the middle of the room before Shane could reach his suitcase and take out his pajamas.

“Why are you single?” The man asked, and Shane blinked a couple of times.

There was something familiar in the air, the way Ryan was looking at him, the lights off, even the music and soft chat coming from the patio. Shane swallowed and shook his head, shrugging once he looked back at Ryan.

“Sometimes things don’t work out.”

“But you were okay with that guy, right? Dave?”

“Ryan that was months ago…”

“I know, but—“ Ryan closed his mouth, watching Shane from the distance, not moving. “You are the most datable person I know.”

Shane chuckled, walking towards Ryan with his hands made into fists over his waist. “I’m what?”

“I’m just saying…” Ryan put his hands behind his back. “You are good looking, kind and funny. You are the most understanding guy I know, you don’t even… you don’t even smell or dress like a child like most of us.” Ryan licked his lips, looking Shane in the eyes. “How can you be single?”

“Well…” Shane stood in front of him with two options. Telling him the truth or keep lying. And so, “I like someone.” He opted for half-and-half. “But I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.”

“Why?” Ryan asked softly.

“Well, he—“ He sighed. “He is perfect.” Shane shrugged. “I don’t deserve him. And he is my friend, and our friendship is much more important, I don’t want to ruin things between us.”

Ryan was frowning now, looking at him as if a second and third head had grown from his neck. The man moved his head to one side, just watching with his arms crossed over his chest.

“That’s bullshit,” He declared, Shane gasped about to answer, but Ryan kept going. “You’re talking like you already know his answer, and that’s unfair.”

“Is it?” He frowned.

“Well, yeah.” Ryan swallowed, stepping in to face Shane closer. “You don’t know how he actually feels, do you?” He cleared his throat before continuing. “Maybe he has feelings for you, too. Maybe he has had for a very long time, but he’s as scared as you…” He said, they stayed in silence for a short second, then he finished. “You can’t make decisions for him.”

His knuckles were white; Shane could see the stronghold Ryan had on his own arms as he waited for Shane’s reply. His heart stopped for a second, and just for a moment, Shane wondered if Ryan was talking about himself, if he had finally realized, but—

“I wish you were right.”

Ryan’s shoulders fell, his face still looking like if in the middle of a predicament he couldn’t solve by himself. Which was so strange, Ryan who could do everything on his own, didn’t need anybody, and was the strongest person Shane knew. And right now, he looked young, unsure, so small.

“How long?” He asked. Shane opened his mouth then closed it. “How long have you felt like this?”

“I don’t know,” He lied after a while. “Some time… months.”

“Really?”

But for the first time, he couldn’t lie to Ryan anymore. “Years, actually. Around three.”

“Three?” Ryan sounded astonished, he didn’t move away or closer, just looked up at him in disbelief. “Shane, how could you not tell… how could you not have told him anything in all that time?”

Shane just shrugged, not sure of what to say, not sure if his feelings would be welcomed if he said so now. Ryan looked desperate, frustrated with him. But he didn’t say anything else. Instead, he walked away and into the bathroom again. Shane sighed, before going back to his suitcase.

“You’re such a funny guy,” Ryan said later, when they were laying on their beds.

He looked back, the man was looking at him, laying on his side on the mattress.

“What does that mean?” Shane asked, all the times Ryan had said that to him coming to mind. It always felt like he meant something else, and he needed to know.

“What do you think?” He said.

When there was no answer, Ryan turned. Shane fell asleep looking at his back and shoulders, listening to his breathing until it became calm and his body relaxed.
 
There was no such thing as ghosts.

Ryan couldn’t stop talking. The fast sound of his voice was giving Shane a headache he didn’t want to think much about, fingers drumming on his thigh as Ryan kept explaining over and over the sighting of the night.

Somewhere, in between his usual nervousness and whatever he was going through, Ryan’s head had played cruel games with him, and now he was swearing he had seen someone moving fast behind Shane as they stood in the basement of Sorrel Weed.

“I don’t see anything there, Ryan,” Shane said when the man showed him the footage of his chest cam. Ryan looked up at him frowning. “Don’t give me that look, Bergara. There’s nothing there.”

“You’ve been fucking insufferable tonight, mister,” Ryan answered with just enough friendliness to convince everyone in the car that he wasn’t furious at him. Shane arched an eyebrow. “If your fucking two meters of assholery hadn’t been in the way, we would have an actual ghost on camera.” He spat, Shane’s frown went deeper. “Goddammit!”

The man took off the camera, leaving it aside between them while letting his back rest against the car’s seat, eyes closed and frown as deep as Shane’s. He observed Ryan for a long time in silence, Devon and TJ not saying a word in the front seats and the tension cutting the air between all of them.

“Maybe if we clear the image while editing,” Shane said after a while, arms still crossed over his chest.

Ryan opened his eyes, looking at the ceiling without saying nothing, then nodded.

“Yeah.” He licked his lips.” I’m gonna edit this myself, Devon.” She nodded, Ryan sighed, somehow tired. “Fuck…”

When they had gone from the hotel to the mansion earlier, it had felt short in comparison to the eternity it was costing them to get back. But once TJ parked and everyone was outside, Shane felt as if they had run into the hotel without another comment, seeing Mark and Matty in the Lobby.

Ryan excused himself as everyone else decided to get dinner at the restaurant, Shane saw him head to his room and he sighed, feeling his muscles knot in his back and shoulders. With one look, Devon understood his meaning and she smiled at him, pushing him gently towards the direction Ryan had walked in.

Nobody said anything, they didn’t even sweetly mock him as they usually did when Shane followed Ryan into the most ridiculous or boring parts of their trips; everyone had figured out why he kept doing it, why he wouldn’t listen to them when his eyes couldn’t stop watching Ryan do mundane things like sleeping or eating.

By the time Shane approached Ryan’s room, he found the door opened as if the man had known he would follow. Shane swallowed his heart that had jumped to his throat, and slowly closed the door, taking out his phone to order some pizza, knowing well Ryan was hungry but wanted to be alone.

Or, on Shane time.

“Little guy?” He called, eyes still on the app as he selected all the bullshit Ryan liked on his pizza. “Hey?”

Shane blinked, looking around to find the room empty. Frowning, he left the app for a moment to look at the bathroom. The door was unlocked too, and when he looked inside, he found Ryan in front of the sink, taking out his contacts.

The man looked at him for a second from the mirror, then went back to work. Shane walked to Ryan’s suitcase, roaming around until he found his glasses and his pajamas, taking them with him to the bathroom.

It was insanely domestic, and he knew this could be different in that other world he often thought of. There where they were, and this was even more common, had the connotation Shane wished for. He swallowed, looking as Ryan observed himself in the mirror, frowning deep.

“You wanna go to my room?” He asked, leaving everything on the sink to Ryan’s right. Shane leaned over the wall, looking at Ryan on the mirror. “We can eat pizza in the balcony, I know you liked the view.” He said.

Ryan didn’t answer, instead, he looked down and took his glasses, putting them on before taking his pajamas and turning around to face Shane. He smiled at him, moving his head to one side to give Ryan his best puppy look, trying his best to take off some of the edge Ryan was fuming in.

“Okay,” Ryan answered, biting his bottom lip. Shane waited. “Alright, I’m just going to…”

“Oh, sure.”

Shane stepped out, going back to his phone for that pizza.

It was so strange to have Ryan shying away from him to change his clothes when they have seen each other in all stages of undress except for absolutely naked. Though, he suspected once Ryan had seen him naked while drunk, maybe neither of them actually remembered it.

He frowned, not wanting to navigate those waters at the moment, finishing his order when he heard the bathroom’s door close and Ryan was out, looking adorable in his sweatpants and a loose shirt.

“Aren’t you cold?” Shane asked.

“A little,” Ryan said, walking towards his suitcase to leave the used clothes and his sneakers. “Can I keep borrowing this?” He showed the flannel shirt Shane had given him earlier, when they have noticed the night was colder than they thought and Ryan didn’t have much to wear aside.

Shane smiled at him, nodding before following him to the door and into his room, the last on the hallway, with the pretty view Ryan had liked when they arrived.

The hotel was in silence, just the noise of the city outside could be heard muffled by the walls in the room once they were inside. Shane walked to the window, opening the curtains to let that view calm Ryan’s nerves as he excused himself to change his clothes and put on his glasses.

As he saw himself in the mirror, Shane sighed, touching his beard and observing it in his reflection. Maybe It was time to trim it or shave completely. Tomorrow would do.

Suddenly, Ryan appeared in his view, Shane looked back to find him leaning in the door with his arms crossed, a thoughtful expression on his face. He smiled, going back to his initial labor, taking out his contacts.

“I’m sorry I said all that crap to you.” The man said, Shane looked at him for a second, but kept going. “You’re not—you are not an asshole, it’s just…”

“It’s okay,” He said, going for his left contact now. “You’re frustrated, it’s normal.”

“No, it’s not!” Ryan said, and Shane looked back at him, more worried than anything else. “Dude, you have to stop letting me get away with everything. I’m not a child, okay? I was a dick. I’m sorry.”

Shane blinked a couple of times, his contact bothering him a little. He turned to take it out, putting on his glasses before directing all his attention to his friend. He looked at him, how much of a nervous wreck he looked, and Shane’s heart fell to his feet.

He was frightened.

All the excitement and frustration from whatever he saw (or not) in the mansion was gone, leaving a place for the fear that didn’t let him sleep or eat for days if he didn’t take care of it. Shane swallowed, slowly approaching the man with a soft smile, nodding.

“Okay, you are right. I was just trying to lift the spirit of the room… you seem tense, man.”

Ryan shook his head. “It’s not just now, you always do—you always let me do to you whatever I want, and that’s not okay,” he said. “I get it, you don’t like confrontation and it’s easy to let the kid win.”

“Kid?” Shane frowned. “What are you talking about?”

He approached the man slowly, putting both hands carefully on his shoulders. Ryan didn’t react, he still looked like if the ghost had ripped out someone’s head right in front of him and Shane thought of his next steps and words with more intent than ever.

“I don’t let you win,” Shane said. “If I avoid confrontation with you it’s because nothing is worth being mad at you.” Ryan looked up at him and Shane smiled. “I don’t like being mad at anyone, but you are one of my best friends and I would hate being mad at you for silly things.”

“You think our work is silly?”

Shane chuckled. “I’m not gonna let you pick a fight with me just because you are nervous.”

Ryan moved from his grasp, walking back into the room with Shane right behind. He turned the lights of the bathroom off before closing the door and watched as Ryan put the bed light on, it was just a soft thing, barely illuminated the room enough. He sat down on the bed and sighed.

“I’m sorry,” He repeated, Shane nodded. “I mean it, I don’t—I shouldn’t have said those things. I’m just a bit frustrated.”

“I get it,” Shane said, walking towards him after pulling the desk’s chair with him. He turned the chair, sitting down with his arms over the back of it, in front of Ryan. “I believe you saw something in there, Ryan. I don’t think it was a ghost, it could have been any number of things. But it scared you, and that’s real.”

Ryan said nothing, his expression seemed to relax at his words and for the moment, that was enough for Shane. He still looked on edge, about to snap at any second and Shane hoped that pizza would come already, maybe his friend would feel better after having eaten something. In the meanwhile, Shane licked his lips, trying to think of how to make him talk some more.

A silent Ryan was never good. If he wasn’t cooking some very bad idea or embarrassing thing, something was consuming his thoughts in that way that always bothered Ryan more than it helped him. Shane hated seeing him like that, consumed in darkness when he was the brightest sun.

“You know, you really are braver than you think,” Shane said with a smile, it made Ryan look up at him again. “Even though you yelled when you thought you saw a ghost, you went directly to it, no hesitation,” he said, Ryan was about to protest but Shane kept talking. “You are constantly afraid of these things you believe in, but you always have your head clear about what you want. You want to find something and your passion for that goal makes you jump into action.”

Shane shrugged, Ryan was looking at him with a soft frown, like he was wondering what was happening at that moment. His friend blinked, Shane smiled at him and put his chin over his arms on the chair’s handle.

“Me? I would have run.” He imagined himself in Ryan’s shoes, having to confront something he feared. “May have made one hundred jokes, but I would have gotten the fuck out of there immediately.”

“Shane—”

“I mean it.” He moved his head to one side, looking at Ryan. “You are the bravest person I know.”

After a few seconds, Ryan gave up, looking away while snorting. He shook his head and got closer to Shane, sitting in the corner of the bed as he laughed. When he looked up at Shane again, he was smiling, something shining in his big eyes that made Shane swallow dry.

“I guess I’m just a bit anxious,” he admitted. “I don’t see myself sleeping tonight, to be honest.”

“I can imagine,” Shane answered. “You can stay here if you want, you know.”

“And watch you sleep peacefully?” Ryan arched an eyebrow. “We’ll see, big guy.”

They smiled at each other for what felt like forever until Shane sighed and opted for making small talk while their food arrived. When he checked his phone, the delivery person was about to hit the hotel, and Ryan seemed more relaxed than he had been all night after the sighting in the basement.

Keeping him distracted was the priority in moments like this, Shane realized; a while back he had become an expert in the matter and found himself feeling somewhat proud of this.

“Boy, but I’m tired of dating,” Ryan suddenly said as they were talking about his latest tinder swipe. “It’s fun for a while, but…”

“What’s up?” Shane asked distractedly, looking at the little blue point that was their pizza coming in hot any second now.

“I’m just tired of knowing people and not going anywhere,” he said, Shane looked up. “I know—I know how I sound. But I want to share all this with someone, you know?” Ryan sighed. “I love doing Unsolved, how far we’ve come, I just wish there was someone I could share It with.”

“Damn, beat me down some more, Bergara.”

“What? No—“ Ryan chuckled. “No, I mean—like, you know. A partner? To share your life with? I love being part of a couple, and I miss that a lot. Nothing I’ve tried for a year now has stuck and it sucks.”

“Well…”

“I want to settle down.” He sighed, Shane blinked a couple of times. “And I think I do because I…”

“Ryan?”

He shook his head after a pregnant silence. Delivery Guy was outside, probably about to tell the front desk what room he was headed to.

“I want to be with someone that makes me feel like all the times I’m anxiously thinking the worst don’t matter because they have my back. I want to marry him one day, maybe have children together—” He swallowed, the way Ryan was looking at Shane made him feel warm. “Have you thought about what you would like in like, ten years or something? I want a house in a quiet place, kinda away from the city. Like my parents.”

“Yeah?” Shane’s voice sounded small, his hand holding his phone was trembling.

“Yes. I do want children but in a more far away future. I would love to have dogs, though. Some cute weenies like my family have always had, and let them sleep with us even though I know he would say they shouldn’t, and yet—”

“He?”

“And, I’ve been thinking that maybe he’d like to go back home,” His voice broke a little at the end, ‘home’ sounded so sweet on his lips, Shane felt his nose burning a little. “I would be okay with leaving L.A., just as long as we get dogs… hell, I’ll take shots every fucking day if he wants a cat, too. I don’t care.”

Ryan’s entire body shivered, Shane noticed how his arms had been hugging himself little by little, as if protecting Ryan from something.

“Uh?” Ryan laughed without humor, looking down at his knees. “I’ve never told that to anyone before.”

From Shane? Was he trying to protect himself from Shane? That couldn’t be. They never got mad at each other, hardly rejected each other’s feelings and ideas, were more likely to fight each other on how much their happiness meant to the other, follow the other to the end of the world. And back home.

“Settle down with me.”

Shane had over thought this for years and, with the distraction of his emotions getting hit with wave after wave of Ryan-looking-at-me, and his phone hitting the ground, he had to say it. Ryan looked up, no longer frowning, his expression surprised with those beautiful eyes wide open.

“I know shit about dogs, but I can read everything about them tonight if it means you would kiss me,” Shane said next, maybe just to fill the silence, but also meaning every word. “You always– I know all your secrets, and I know how you like your waffles, and your shoe size, what stupid team is playing this Sunday because I know it’s your favorite football team.”

He licked his lips, swallowing hard when Ryan said nothing, didn’t move a single muscle.

“So…”

It hung in the air, what all of that really meant, and how much Shane was risking right now as he scratched the chair’s handle with a finger, unsure of what to do now that he had said his biggest secret to his friend.

Finally, Ryan moved from where he was sitting on the bed after taking off his glasses, so much emotion on his face that all Shane could do was straighten his back and wait for the man to come to him, it would just take a few seconds for Ryan get into Shane’s space, and in that small moment, someone knocked at the door, pizza guy announcing his arrival with a happy voice.

“Just a second, please!” Ryan shouted back.

Instead of answering the door, he took Shane by his green bandana, pushing him to the mattress and Shane landed on his ass, about to ask so many things when Ryan climbed onto his lap, taking Shane’s glasses and cradling his face before kissing him.

It was probably the sweetest kiss either of them had ever shared, at least Shane thought so, because it couldn’t get better than this. This moment, where Ryan kissed him softly, just a tiny touch on his lips because he was soon pulling away before Shane could properly respond.

The man looked up at him as though asking if that was okay, was he allowed to do that? All Shane could do was smile at him, leaning in to kiss him properly this time.

He kissed him slow, as soft as he could, keeping his desire and frustration of years of pining away because this moment here, here, this was the most stellar moment of his life and there were no doubts anymore, because Ryan tasted exactly of how being loved felt like, with his fingers of his right hand on Shane’s hair, his left one on his cheek, Shane’s hands on his waist.

A moment passed where all they did was kiss, barely moving their lips, just enjoying the warmth of each other. Ryan opened his mouth slowly, tongue touching Shane’s lips and coaxing them open to allow him to explore. Shane breathed in, Ryan’s smell so close he could swear it was one of those painful dreams of his.

When they parted, Shane smiled like an idiot, hoping this wasn’t just pity. That this was something Ryan had wanted as much as him, even if it has been just for today, for a few days, a week. Thank God, Ryan looked at him as if Shane had taken heavy cargo from his back, and everything would be fine from now on.

Maybe it would.

“Ryan—“

A knock in the door took them back to reality, where they had ordered pizza and the poor guy was probably wondering if they would try to get it for free with the excuse of the hour. Ryan cleared his throat, giggling like a little shit before standing up and walking towards the door.

“You paid for it?” He asked, and Shane stood with a big smile on his face. He could feel his cheeks hurting from how much he was doing it. “Big guy?”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s all paid for, but—”

“Okay, our boy here deserves a bigger tip.” Ryan laughed as if he had read Shane’s mind, Shane nodded at him and tried to get out his wallet before him but it was too late, Ryan was opening the door with his wallet in hand already. “Hey, sorry about that—“

“No, it’s fine. Your order…”

At least the delivery guy didn’t seem too annoyed at their shenanigans when he sees his newer, bigger tip, and all Shane could do was laugh with Ryan at his side as he put the food on Shane’s bed where both would sleep later.

Slowly, their laughter died down, leaving Ryan’s eyes looking up at him in that way he always did when Shane either complimented him or helped him out with something. Endearment, care, love—he could finally put a name to all that and not be afraid of seeing it. He wasn’t making it up, Ryan—

“I’m in love with you,” Ryan said, Shane’s heart in his throat again.

He let out a single and strange laugh, happiness making him giddy and warm on the face. Shane nodded, hands going to cradle Ryan’s face to put his forehead over his. In the silence of that room with the beautiful view, in a city that now belonged to them, the journey was over and Shane’s feelings weren’t one-sided. They never had been.

“I meant it,” Shane told him, Ryan sighed and smiled at him with eyes closed. “It’s you and me together, for the days and nights. That okay?”

“There’s no one else I would rather do this with,” Ryan said, opening his eyes to look at him. “Funny guy.”

Shane laughed, the thousand real meanings of Ryan’s words finally so clear.

“Gorgeous angel,” Shane kissed his forehead. “I love you, too.”

***

**

*