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It was very late in the evening or extremely early in the morning, depending on whose definition you accepted. There was very little light in the air stream but it never bothered Michael, his vision was rather impeccable but that could just be from the years spent living like this. The weather was unbearably hot, even for New Mexico but the one small fan he owned gave minimal relief which was why the bed sheets were a tangled mess, barely covering the two naked bodies on the bed. Michael lay awake, just listening to the gentle breaths of Alex who was fast asleep beside him. Every so often, Alex would make an odd sound, like a whimper; Michael would place his hand upon his cheek or chest and Alex would instantly settle. The first time it had happened, Michael had asked about it the following morning and Alex had acted like he had no idea what he was talking about. It started to happen more frequently but Michael had decided against asking anymore questions.He knew he should be sleeping himself but Alex had never stayed this late before and he was afraid if he went to sleep, he’d awaken to find Alex gone. He was staring at him when Alex made a sound unlike any he’d ever made before and he shot up in bed, arms flailing as he forgot where he was. Michael was quick to react and sat up too, wrapped his arms around Alex and held him close. He felt feel the tremors wracking Alex’s body and started to whisper in his ear, assured him it was okay and that he wasn’t alone. It only took a few minutes for Alex to calm down, begin to relax and he settled in Michael’s embrace, face buried in Michael’s neck.So Michael lay back down, pulled Alex down with him and held him protectively in his arms until the agitated man drifted back to sleep. He gently kissed his neck, stroked his hand up and down Alex’s side, brushed his fingers through his hair. He did everything he could think of to soothe while he held him.When the sun was beginning to sneak in through the covered windows, Michael finally separated himself from Alex but just sat up, looked down at the man sleeping beside him and gently traced his fingers up and down Alex’s exposed thigh. He moved across his stomach and up his chest to his nipples, teased the nub with his thumb and Alex gasped. Michael’s eyes darted to Alex’s face, his deep eyes stared right back at him.“Guerin, what are you doing?” Alex asked him.
“Shhhh” he whispered “just go back to sleep”
“I can’t”
“Bad dreams?”
“Dude, you’re squeezing my nipple. Who can sleep through that?”Michael smiled sheepishly then leaned down and flicked the nipple with his tongue. Alex reached for him, placed a hand to his chin and urged him to meet him halfway. Their lips came together in a soft kiss.“You have morning breath” Alex told him with a smile.
“Well, so do you” Michael playfully snapped back, a smirk on his own lips.He started to nip at Alex’s neck before teasing his ear. All the while his hand continued sound, down Alex’s thigh, down his leg to his knee but he stopped when he felt Alex’s nervous hesitation. Michael pulled away and looked into his wide eyes.“Guerin-” Alex started but Michael cut him off.
“I’m not going to hurt you” he assured him.
“I… I know”Alex gnawed on his bottom lip while Michael’s hand softly brushed over the stump below his knee, where his leg had once been. Michael’s touch was so gentle, tender, careful. He closed his eyes, didn’t want to watch Michael touching him.“You never talk about it” Michael said very softly, his fingers tracing the scar, trying to determine how many stitches it had required.
“Nothing to talk about” Alex replied, eyes still closed.
“Alex-”
“Guerin!”Michael looked up and was surprised to see Alex was practically glaring at him but he simply continued to caress the scars with the same tender affection as before.
“Look, I get that it’s hard to talk about” Michael assured him.
“Because you’re such an open book when it comes to the trauma in your life?” Alex snapped.Michael blinked and slowly retracted his hand which Alex immediately reached for.
“Yeah, I don’t talk about my leg” he stated “but you don’t talk about your hand”
He turned Michael’s hand around for him to see the still visible scars on the back of his palm.“I don’t talk about my hand because I don’t like to dwell on it” Michael explained “they’re only three people in the world who know the truth behind this” he tried to pull free of Alex’s grasp “one’s me, one I’ll never speak to ever again and the other…” he looked into Alex’s eyes “doesn’t need to be reminded of what an ass his father is”“Guerin-”
“But have you talked to anyone about what happened to you?”
“My shrink”
“Anyone else?”
“I don’t have anyone else, Guerin”Michael’s face fell; Alex’s words stung him deep.
“You can talk to me” he whispered “I get you don’t want to burden Maria or Liz with this but you don’t have to go through it alone. You can talk about it”
He was very surprised when he looked up and saw Alex was blinking back tears.
“There’s nothing to talk about” Alex insisted again “because I don’t remember any of it”
Michael shifted so he was sitting up beside Alex and he slid his arm around his waist, hand rested upon Alex’s lower back. Alex reached up and rubbed his eyes.“It sounds like a cop out, I know, but it’s true” he continued “it was a day like any other and then shit went down. There was yelling and screaming and gunfire and explosions everywhere then everything just goes dark… I woke up in a military hospital three days later and my leg was gone”
He reached down and rubbed his scar himself before he turned and looked at Michael through tear filled eyes.
“The doctors said I screamed in pain for hours” he continued “they didn’t have enough morphine at the time, were waiting on emergency supplies to come through. They couldn’t operate without them…”Alex’s eyes were focused on his leg but his hand reached for Michael who grabbed it, clasped their fingers.
“The nurse said I kept calling out for someone” he continued “he even went through the charts to see if the person I needed was from my unit but there was no one registered with the name Guerin”Michael felt a chill run down his spine; when Alex had been in hospital, in pain, ripped apart and missing a piece of himself, the only person he’d called for was him. He closed his eyes, could almost visualize a broken and distraught Alex calling out for him. It brought tears to his own eyes and he kept them closed to stop them from seeping out. He tightened his grip on Alex’s hand, felt Alex tugging at it when he opened his eyes, he watched as Alex kissed his palm.
Michael didn’t know what to say, there wasn’t anything he could say to ease the pain Alex had felt all those months ago but he was so very grateful that he was telling him this now.“I wish I could’ve been there” Michael confessed “I could’ve held your hand and told you it would be okay”
“I never would’ve wanted you to see me like that” Alex admitted “I was a mess… even when I came back to Roswell and was practically given a hero’s welcome… I still didn’t want you to see me”
“Alex-”
“I… I wanted you to remember me as the seventeen year old boy who tried to kiss you in the tool shed… the guy who… the first guy you ever slept with”
“Only guy” Alex frowned “it’s only ever been you, Alex”
“The point is… I wanted you to remember who we were and what we had back then… Not see me as the broken, disabled Vet”Michael reached up and placed both hands on Alex’s neck, urged him to look at him, to meet his gaze.
“You are not broken, you are not damaged” he insisted “you will always be the guy I fell in love with in high school… Only now, instead of eyeliner and nail polish, you’re a hero. A Decorated War Hero… You’ve been through Hell, both literally and figuratively and you’re still standing tall. Hell, you lost a leg and it still hasn’t slowed you down”
“Guerin-”
“Tell me, Alex… If you could still be over there, serving your country and making everyone proud, would you?”
“Not if it meant being away from you”Alex’s hand flew up to his mouth as though realizing he’d said something he shouldn’t. Michael just stared at him in surprise. Alex looked away, eyes moving frantically as he tried to recover himself.“I mean” he paused “no, I… I don’t think I could go back… Not yet… Sometimes it’s still too fresh in my mind and… Some nights… I can’t sleep”
“The nightmares” Michael added “another thing you don’t talk about”
“Because they’re just my mind playing tricks on me… lingering side effects of what happened”“You know I used to have nightmares” Michael confessed “when I was a kid, in the group home… the uh matron didn’t know how to handle me so she got a priest to perform an exorcism on me”
“What?” Alex gasped. He’d never heard this story before. “On a kid?”
“I was thirteen; she said I needed help… but man it hurt… A few months later, I started having flashbacks and nightmares”
“What made it stop?”
“I told Max about it, opened up to him and he just listened… Talking about it, it sounds lame but talking to someone helps… And I know you’re having nightmares now because I hear you and I just want to help you”Alex reached for Michael again and took hold of his hands, fingers slowly entwining.
“The nightmares are nothing to do with my leg” he admitted “and they only started after I came back to Roswell… Once I had to start seeing my dad all the time. It’s like, every time I turn around, there he is… and I remember all the crap he put me through, not to mention what he did to you… Three nights ago, I dreamt he tried to nail my hand to a door”
“Is that something he used to do?”
“That’s the thing… I can’t even remember anymore!” his eyes filled with tears “my dad did so much to me for so long that when I dream, I can barely distinguish the dreams from reality”Michael leaned forward and placed a kiss to Alex’s forehead then another to his lips.
“This is reality” he insisted “you and me, right here, right now, in this trailer, on this very bed… the very bed we made love in last night and the night before…”
“Sometimes I can’t even be sure of that” Alex admitted “because it just seems too good to be true”
“Well it is true” Michael placed his hand on Alex’s neck, thumb brushed his cheek. “I’m here, now, and I’m always going to be here for you”
“You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep”
“I didn’t make a promise, I stated a fact”Alex blinked back tears as he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Michael who immediately returned the embrace, holding Alex tightly in his arms.
“Only you could love someone as broken and damaged as me” Alex sobbed.
“Well, it takes one to know one” Michael replied.
“Like two peas in a pod?”
Michael smiled. He really liked that analogy.
“Yeah, exactly” he agreed “two peas in a pod”