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“Magnus. Thank you for coming in.”Magnus frowns and shuts the door of Alec's office behind himself. “Why wouldn't I, if the Head of the Institute sends me a formal invite.” He walks up to where Alec is standing in front of his desk between the visitor's chairs, nervously shuffling through some files.“You need help with something?” Magnus inquires, picking up Alec's hand from where it's fluttering over the papers.He can't imagine why else Alec would call him in. In the past few weeks Alec has made an effort to get all of his assistances officially recognized as service for the New York Institute, preparing all the necessary paperwork and handing it to Magnus for signing. Magnus argued at first, saying that he's not helping the Clave, but Alec had countered that the Clave still might as well pay for his expenses, and Magnus had agreed to that.Alec's invoicing hasn't let up after Magnus lost his title, it hasn't even let up after he lost his magic. Magnus hasn't mentioned it, didn't have the strength to face it quite yet, but it's been calming at least some anxious parts of him. It's proof that, despite it all, he can still be useful.Alec squeezes his fingers, gently bringing him back to the present. “Actually, the opposite. I think I can help you with something.” He finally tears his eyes away from the papers and meets Magnus's gaze. “I think I've found a way to get your magic back.”The world stops turning for a moment.“What,” Magnus breathes, sounding more fragile than he'd like to.Alec swallows, looking back down. “I'm not entirely sure it will work, but I've considered every angle I could think of and...”“You've been looking into ways to get my magic back without telling me?” His voice sounds void of emotions; because he's feeling too much all at once. First and foremost, there's hope that he might get back what he believed to be lost to him forever, closely chased by fear that he won't. There's apprehension that Alec didn't tell him about something so major, something that affects Magnus in such an intimate and fundamental way. There's even a spark of anger that Alec would dare to keep it from him, didn't think to seek his council or his approval or his opinion. And after all that has washed over him, on silent soles approaches doubt and vulnerability and trepidation about what might have possessed Alec to look into it in the first place.“I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this before, but I didn't want to make things worse in case I didn't find anything,” Alec apologizes but Magnus barely hears it, drowning in his own racing thoughts.The notion alone is absurd, Magnus's mind resolutely calls his heart to order. But his heart is too proficient in dodging reason and always assuming the worst. It's the safest way to avoid disappointment, after all. And so he lifts his chin and says, “My magic doesn't define me, you said that yourself. I'm still complete without it.”
I don't need to be fixed to be worth something. I don't need magic to be worthy of love.
Concern creeps into Alec's eyes. His free hand finds Magnus's cheek. “Of course you are,” he answers intently, and contrary to Magnus, he seems to believe those words. “But what was done to you--”“I'm not a victim in this,” Magnus interrupts with a frown. “It was my choice.”His magic, his pride, his sense of self, he lost them all. The only thing he's got left is his agency and he'll be damned if he lets that be ripped away from him, too.“I know,” Alec agrees immediately. “It was your choice. And I'm infinitely grateful you made it. Your sacrifice is recognized, Magnus.” He pauses, searching Magnus's face for acknowledgement before he continues. “But you were forced into making a choice in the first place. By Lilith, by Asmodeus...” His hand slides from Magnus's cheek, down over his neck until it comes to rest over his chest. “By your own good heart.”A crease appears in Alec's brow and his eyes flicker between Magnus's. “You are so brave, so strong. And you've been handling this so well. I can't possibly understand what that loss means to you.” He shakes his head, his hand returning to Magnus's cheek, thumb caressing the delicate skin under his eye. “But I can see that you're hurting and I want to help.”Magnus feels like the breath is punched out of his lungs by that. He'd thought he'd covered it. He'd thought he'd hidden how much this has been eating him up. Apparently not.“If you decide you'd rather stay like this that's fine,” Alec goes on. “I don't want anything you don't want for yourself. I thought you'd want to try and reverse it, but if I'm wrong...” He trails off for a moment before concluding, “Just tell me what you need.”Magnus is still reeling from the fact that Alec saw through his coping facade. The request pierces through his carefully constructed defenses like an arrow through a keyhole.Tell me what you need, when all he's been doing for the past few days was trying his hardest not to let anyone see anything amiss. How can he?But then, how can he meet Alec's open heart and unwavering loyalty and not answer it by taking a leap of faith?“I want my magic back,” he whispers and it's the grossest understatement he's ever made in his life, but it's also all he can manage to say.Pure, raw need to get it back is tearing him apart from the inside in every waking moment, and it's getting worse with every heartbeat. He can't put that into words when that would mean admitting it and admitting defeat in the same breath, like a kid in a candy store with nothing of value to give, dreaming of something sweet and easy, reaching for it with bright eyes, only to be refused by life's callous coldhearted reality.Alec's hand is warm where it rests against his cheek, softly brushing away a tear Magnus hadn't even noticed falling. “And that's alright. It doesn't make you weak or a coward or anything else. It just means you want back what is rightfully yours.”Magnus closes his eyes, unable to meet Alec's searing gaze any longer. He turns into Alec's hand, just the tiniest bit, unable to ask for comfort in any other way, but Alec gets it, pulling him into his arms and cradling him as if he's something precious instead of something broken.Alec says nothing, just holds him quietly, lets Magnus tear at the seams and knit himself back together again.