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So you don't really love him after all.
The words simply wouldn't leave Theo in peace. He'd been ready to burn the bridges, once and for all. Although Beacon Hills was still Beacon Hills, evil was defeated for the moment, and Theo
didn't have a reason to stick around. Everything he owned was already inside the truck. Nothing was holding him back, or so he thought.
As it turned out, Mason's voice echoing through his head did.
Theo made it to the end of town, but not past it. Beacon Hills wasn't his home anymore. There was no family waiting for him there, no pack. He didn't have a place he belonged.
All he had was Liam.
If you love him, you'll stay.
Theo turned the truck around. He slept on the backseat until he was given a final warning from Deputy Parrish, and then he looked for an apartment. Deaton let him have Scott's job at the animal clinic, not necessarily because he trusted Theo, but they both knew no human would be able to help the same way Theo could.
The job took more out of him than anticipated. Theo took as much pain as he could from the sick or injured patients, but some of them couldn't be saved, no matter how badly he wanted to. Sometimes he stayed at the clinic over night to look after the animals that had to stay in, listening to shallow breathing.
It was during a night like those that Theo cried from something else than a nightmare for the first time since his transformation into a chimera. Life wasn't endless, and not every creature got a pleasant ending, no matter how deserving they were. Some died alone, some had nothing but fear to hold onto during their last hours.
Not a day passed where Theo didn't think about Liam. He wondered what the other boy was doing, how life was treating him. His mind went back to the elevator at the hospital a million times. He'd lied. He would have died for Liam.
If you love him, you'll stay alive for him.
Theo could still smell smoke and blood when he thought back. Most of all, he could see Liam's blue eyes staring right into his soul. Theo had to let go. Those memories were from the past, and being alive meant leaving the past behind. He bought a huge bucket full of paint and gave his entire apartment a new color, a very light yellow, making it look like the sun was always shining.
The animal clinic received a fenced little area at the back of the building where the dogs that were staying could be outside. Two times a week, Theo brought Melissa McCall dinner to the hospital. Deaton gave him his own key to the clinic instead of leaving his own behind when Theo stayed longer. Theo was becoming a better person, one day at a time.
Some of those days were harder than others, like the one when he sold his truck. It was the only truly valuable thing he'd ever owned, but the truck had been a gift from the Dread Doctors and supposed to be of help with his mission. Theo didn't have anywhere to go anymore. He wasn't going to go back to sleeping in the backseat. As much as it hurt to let go, Theo felt relief more than anything else when the new owner drove away in the truck.
If you love him, you'll make yourself a man who's worthy of him.
Even harder than selling the truck was going back to high school to ask whether he could join classes again. They asked Theo to do a test and handed him his schedule. Starting over in junior year as a twenty-year-old wasn't necessarily the dream he'd always had, but Theo wasn't going to waste another chance. Deaton promised to help him getting into AP biology and surviving it. Theo hit his head against a table every time he believed himself too stupid to get the material through his head, but he always tried again later.
Every morning when Theo went for a run, he came across Parrish at some point along the route through the preserve. At the beginning, the deputy looked at him like he was only waiting for a reason to arrest Theo, but Theo didn't mind. He knew he wasn't trustworthy, but most of all, he knew there weren't going to be any more of those reasons. Suspicious looks turned into nods turned into friendly greetings. Months later, Theo met Parrish every morning and they went for a run together, pushing each other to go farther, to run faster. With sweat running down his back and his legs
properly exhausted, his chest heaving and sinking, every muscle in his body aching, Theo felt so alive that he couldn't stop grinning.
Everything would have been just perfect, except for one thing.
If you love him, you'll let him know.
Theo wasn't sure whether Liam knew he'd never left Beacon Hills. He'd been becoming someone whose hands he wouldn't want to break for touching Liam, but he'd been doing it in silence. Liam didn't know it, and Liam didn't know that he was the one big reason behind all of it.
It was Corey who changed the game, bringing in his grandma's little dog. He didn't seem completely surprised to see Theo at the animal clinic, and he was casual enough about asking him to hang out some time. It was all fine, just burgers and video games, pointless chats and stupid jokes. Until it wasn't anymore.
"You know there's only so much more you can do, right?" Corey said as he watched Theo cooking for the two of them. "At some point you have to give him the chance to actually appreciate the changes you've made."
Theo sighed. He knew that, theoretically, he'd just always figured there was so much work to do until he'd get there that there was no need to think about hit. He hadn't believed he'd really get that far.
"Not yet," Theo replied. There was always room for improvement. "I'm not good enough for him."
"Let me ask you a question, Theo. Are you doing what you think you need to do to earn his forgiveness? Or is the person who hasn't yet forgiven you actually you?"
Theo didn't say anything. Was it him?
"Remember that it was him who brought you back from hell," Corey said.
"He did that because he thought it was the best option you guys had," Theo pointed out.
"And yet, if he'd believed you were going to screw us over again, that option wouldn't have been worth it, right?"
Theo swallowed.
"Fine, think about that what you want," Corey shrugged, "but he fought with you." Theo's mind automatically went back in time, to Liam's eyes directed at his face, lips pressed firmly together.
I will fight with you
.
And they had.
"The day you left," Corey continued. "I'm really glad you didn't. And I'm proud of everything you've done since that day. I think it was good for you. But that was about you, Theo. You didn't have to do it for Liam. Liam had already accepted you."
"If you love him, Theo, you'll allow him to love you too."
Theo knew that the tears falling from his face were only partly sad ones. He was mourning the time he'd wasted being in his own head about things that weren't his to decide. He was overwhelmed by the incredible luck he'd had to get to meet Liam in the first place. Theo was full of bad memories, and he was full of love. Regret wasn't worth anything if it wouldn't get him to do better. Not some day in the future. Now.
*
It was late and dark outside. When Theo looked down at his hands, he always saw blood on them for a split second. His stolen heart was racing, longing. Maybe it wasn't too late. Maybe there was light in the dark. Theo stepped up to the front porch and rang the bell. He'd never been more scared than he was in that moment.
Liam looked different than the last time he'd seen him. The hair was cut short again and he'd grown a beard. Theo listened to the other boy's heartbeat getting faster. It was a little bit like coming back from hell, a whirlwind of emotions so full of life that it was almost painful, and in the eye of the storm, a pair of blue eyes anchoring him.
"Fucking finally," Liam whispered, opening his arms.
Theo had prepared so many things to say to Liam. He'd had so much time to think about them, all the apologies, all the promises. Instead of saying anything at all, he fell into Liam's arms, pressing him against his chest. Liam could smell his fear of rejection fading and being replaced by relief. He could smell his longing and his love. Theo had always been good at concealing those emotions, but he wasn't trying anymore, and that in itself was something Liam surely noticed as well.
"Come in," Liam finally said, giving him a smile. "I think we have a lot of catching up to do."
"We do," Theo nodded. "I didn't come back from hell a changed man. But I came back ready to start changing. And I did."
"Have you finally forgiven yourself, Theo?" Liam asked, holding his hand and eyeing his face.
Theo wasn't going to lie again. "I don't know," he said. "But I want to try."
Liam pressed his lips together and nodded. "Okay," he said after a moment. "I told you I'd fight with you. And I still mean it."
"I think we need to start with one truth," Theo said. His voice was shaky, his body trembling. He hadn't thought the words would ever come over his lips, but he'd never thought he'd have a reason to say them either. He had. He had the best reason in the world.
"I'm still here because I love you, Liam," he admitted. "I wanted to leave, but I couldn't. I think you saved my life by making me love you."
Liam smiled and squeezed Theo's hand. He smelled like happiness, but sweeter and stronger than Theo had ever known anyone could. "Are you going to let me love you back?"
Theo closed his eyes. He knew in that moment that it was truly everything he'd been afraid of. But Liam wasn't afraid. Liam wasn't scared of loving him, not even in the slightest. Tears welled up in Theo's eyes. He nodded. "Yes," he breathed out. He was going to let Liam love him, and he was going to be luckiest guy on earth. He was going to forgive himself, too, since a person Liam wanted to love was a person worthy of it.
"About fucking time," Liam whispered, but it sounded soft.
If you love him, that will be enough.
It was enough. For the first time since he could remember, the moment Theo lived in was enough. There was nowhere else to go in the future, no different Theo to become, nothing he was required to achieve. He loved Liam. Liam loved him. And truly, that was enough.
It was all that mattered.
If you love him-
Theo didn’t care anymore. He loved Liam, period. There was no
if
.