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Rafael looked weary. His hair was a bit longer than Sonny knew he liked to keep it. He had dark circles under his eyes and stubble covering his chin and cheeks. Sonny was studying Rafael’s face as he ate the breakfast Sonny had made for them. The trial had been difficult to say the least. Although Sonny didn’t like Dworkin and couldn’t understand why Rafael choose to go with him, he decided to work with the man. He spent hours pouring over case law with Dworkin. Rafael seemed disinterested in his defense from day one. He put up a front for Dworkin but when he and Sonny were alone he was quiet. Then Rafael stopped sleeping in their bed. Sonny didn’t notice the first couple of days of the trial. He would fall asleep before Rafael and when he would wake up Rafael would already be in the shower. Then one night he woke up to an empty bed. The sheets were cool. He went to look for Rafi and found him curled up on the couch. Sonny gently touched his shoulder. “Babe, come to bed.” Rafael had ignored him and in the morning he gave weak excuses about why he preferred to sleep on the couch. Sonny had let it slide and he regretted it. Rafael became more distant each day of the trial, even asking Sonny not to attend. The day the verdict was handed down, Sonny was sitting outside the courtroom, waiting. Liv exited first. Before Sonny could even analysis her expression she engulfed him in a hug. “Take care of him.” She said, before walking away. Sonny hated when she was cryptic. Dworkin and Rafael exited the courtroom. Dworkin was talking a mile a minute, excited. “We should definitely sue the DA’s office….” “Sonny?” Rafael’s expression was clear. He was confused. Sonny had wanted so badly to hold Rafael but it had felt forever since they had touched. They didn’t. They went home and Sonny cooked dinner like it was any other day. Rafael did spent the night in the bed after the verdict which gave Sonny hope that soon things would get better. After they finished eating Rafael moved to gather their breakfast dishes but Sonny reached over and placed is hand on Rafael’s wrist. “I love you.” Sonny smiled which caused Rafael’s eyes light up. He looked so handsome to Sonny even though he was exhausted. “Sonny, look, we should talk.” Rafael sighed, the light in his eyes fading. “Maybe I should spend some time at Mami's. Give you some time to really evaluate if you still want… to be with me.” Sonny couldn’t believe his ears. He knew Rafael had been depressed but he didn’t realize maybe some of that melancholy were concerning their relationship. “After everything we’ve been through, you still don’t think that I love you?”Rafael stood up, Sonny’s hand still on his wrist. “I know you love me. But I don’t deserve it.” Sonny could not let Rafael have these thoughts anymore now that Rafael had finally voiced them. Sonny stood up and pulled Rafael toward him. “Sonny, the dishes-” “Shh. They aren’t important.” Sonny wrapped his arms around Rafael’s waist and rested his forehead against Rafael’s. “I love you.” Sonny whispered, kissing Rafael’s brow. “I love you too.” Rafael’s tone was soft but Sonny could tell he meant him. It was a place to start again.
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Rafael was forgettable. He had felt invisible most of his life. His father would forget he was in the room when he was berating, sometimes even hitting his mother. Then he would be surprised when Rafael spoke up. His father never spoke to him after he left for Harvard. The day the hospital called Rafael to come in, he had hoped to see his father. He hoped his father could see the man Rafael had become. But he was already in a coma by the time Rafael made it to the hospital. He would never exist in his father’s eyes. In school, his classmates ignored the studious boy who had a habit of getting into trouble. Rafael didn’t speak much but he would if he needed to put a bully in their place. His smart mouth got him in trouble with his peers and adults. It was the first time he felt what not being invisible was like. He made friends with Alex and Eddie because of his smart mouth. He thought things were changing for him. Then his first summer home from Harvard his friends did not return his calls. He realized that summer he would always be easy to forget and ignore. During Rafael’s years as an ADA he learned dressing well got him noticed, at least in the courtroom. He learned to enchant juries through his bright ties. He didn’t want to believe people were that petty but he learned quickly they were. Rafael dressed simply outside of the courtroom and away from his colleagues. His mother was perplexed by ability to dress well for work but unable to wear anything matching in his everyday life. But he liked not dressing well on a day off, it allowed him to blend in and not be recognized outside the courthouse. After his failed relationship with Yelina, he didn’t go out of his way to date. He had his fair share of dates but as soon as his schedule became hectic, it seemed like the person he was dating would lose interest. Texts and calls would go unanswered and Rafael would know he was forgotten. Rafael only agreed to go on a date with Liv’s adoption attorney because Liv swore he was a nice guy and Rafael trusted Liv’s judgement. He figured they would have a couple of dates and then things would fade as his relationships usually did.They did have a few dates and they were the best dates of Rafael’s life. Trevor Langan was passionate and attentive. He was extremely handsome and Rafael couldn’t deny his physical attraction to the taller man. Their dates could be grand, like expensive tickets to the theatre or simple, like a romantic stroll through the park. They could talk for hours. Trevor was a gentle lover. Rafael hadn’t been intimate with anyone in years and Trevor made him feel amazing. The suddenly everything in his life went crazy. The Johnny D case needed every second of his time, he owed Liv that. His was surprised when the texts and calls keep coming from Trevor even though he wasn’t replying. He was happy when the case was over but not shocked that Trevor’s texts had finally stopped. Rafael was wrapping up his final paperwork on the case when there was a knock at his office door. It was well past midnight and he had sent Carmen home hours ago. “Come in.” he said when a little apprehension. The door opened slowly revealing Trevor. “Trevor? What are you doing here?” Rafael stood up from his desk. He felt self-conscious. He had always looked his best in front of Trevor. But this evening after Carmen left he had changed into a ratty pair of jeans and an NYPD t-shirt Liv had bought him as a gag gift. He wished he really was invisible. “Liv said the case was done. I wanted to check on you.” Trevor smiled. Rafael felt confused. Trevor hadn’t text in a week or so. He should have moved on already. This situation was very unusual. Rafael looked down to his desk as he spoke, “I figured you forgot about me.” Trevor’s large hand was suddenly on Rafael’s chin and he was lifted Rafael’s head up so their eyes would meet. “I could never forget you.” Rafael wasn’t sure who moved first, he suspected it was himself. His arms wrapped around Trevor’s neck, their lips locked tightly together. He didn’t want air. All he wanted was this man. The man who didn’t forget him. He felt breathless as he pulled apart. “Say it again.” Rafael whispered. Trevor moved Rafael backwards towards his desk, crowding him, and guiding him up onto desk. Trevor placed his hands on Rafael’s hips and stood between Rafael’s spread legs. “I-” Trevor leaned down and kissed Rafael’s neck. “Could never-” Rafael gasped his Trevor’s hand slipped under his t-shirt. “Forget you.” Trevor’s lips met Rafael’s. Rafael was grateful he was seated because he had never felt so weak in the knees. “I can’t tell you how happy that makes me.” Rafael whispered, before pulling Trevor back towards him. Maybe Rafael wasn’t forgettable after all.
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They looked perfect together. Once Trevor saw them he regretted showing up. Rafael had practically begged him to be his date for the DA’s Christmas party. But Trevor didn’t think it was a great idea for a defense attorney to show up at such an event. He didn’t want Rafael to have any animosity between his co-workers. Obviously, that wasn’t a problem. There Rafael stood with Detective Dominick Carisi, both were dressed in fine tuxes. Rafael had introduced them once. The kid had been pouring over case files and giving Rafi big wide puppy eyes. Trevor had been introduced as a friend even though he and Rafael had been seeing each other for months. Trevor tried not to let it bother him but it did. Trevor was in the doorway of the McCoy’s home, his coat still on, as he watched Rafael introduce Detective Carisi to Jack McCoy. Rafael didn’t notice him. Rafael was beaming from whatever McCoy was saying to the couple. When Rafael spotted him, his eyes grew wide. Trevor couldn’t tell if it was from excitement to see him or shock that he had shown up. He didn’t want to find out, he had to admit he was afraid. Afraid that Rafael had found a better date. He walked back out the door, down the steps and back onto the sidewalk he had left a few minutes before. He didn’t stop even when he heard Rafael calling out to him. He felt a hand on his upper arm before he could go any further. “Trevor, you came.” Rafael sounded happy, why Trevor couldn’t understand, “Why are you leaving?” Trevor turned to face him. Rafael had been the one not to want a label. Now Trevor understood why. It was clear that Rafael enjoyed the company of the younger man. That Sonny may be the reason Rafael didn’t want to commit. But Trevor wanted more than something casual. He wanted to be the only one Rafael needed. “Shouldn’t you be with him? Your date?” Trevor spat out before he could stop himself. “My date? What are you talking about?” Rafael looked confused over Trevor’s tone. Trevor had never raised his voice to the man before.“Detective Carisi.” Trevor stated, lowering his voice. “Trev. He’s a friend. I invited him so he could make connections. He’s young and eager.” “I bet.” Trevor muttered. Rafael’s eyebrow raised and he was giving Trevor a disapproving look he usually reserved for those he battled in court. “There is nothing going on between myself and Detective Carisi. Why would I ask him out when I already have a boyfriend?” A smile bloomed on Trevor’s face. “Boyfriend?” he asked hopefully. “Yeah, a tall, handsome, defense attorney with the ability to sweep a defenseless ADA off their feet.” Trevor wrapped his arms around Rafael’s waist and held him.“I’m sorry for acting jealous, shall we go back inside?” he asked. “Yes, I would love to.” Rafael took a step back, clasping Trevor’s hand in his and walking him back to the party. As they walked in, Trevor couldn’t help but think that they definitely looked perfect together.
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He was stunning. Perfect olive colored skin and beautiful brown eyes.“You are so adorable.” Rafael whispered to the sweet baby cradled in his arms. Carmen’s child was absolutely perfect. He felt honored that Carmen had entrusted him with the baby, even if it was only for a short time. Long, leans arms encircled his waist from behind. A soft kiss landed past his left ear on his cheek. “You’re so adorable.” Sonny grinned, kissing Rafael’s cheek again then moving lower to Rafael’s neck. Rafael chuckled. “Calm down, Romeo. I don’t want to wake him.”The baby begin to fuss and Rafael rocked him gently till he fell back to sleep. “I was just thinking, it would be nice to have one of our own.” Sonny sighed, giving Rafael another tender kiss on his neck. “We can’t just borrow Carmen’s? Cause then we can give him back.” Sonny laughed and he kissed Rafael’s neck again. “We can always ask.” “It would be good practice.” Rafael mumbled. He left Sonny’s tighten a bit around him, the embrace was warm and made him feel safe. Rafael couldn’t be happier than he was right in this moment.
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Rafael bit the inside of his lip. He was angry and jealous. He had to swallow every minute or so because of the dryness in his throat. The worst part was that he had caused it. Sonny had just wanted to disclose. It had turned into an ugly argument. Only a few weeks ago they had been excited about the NYPD’s Fundraiser Gala and now Rafael sat next to Olivia as he watched Sonny on the dance floor with Amanda. He looked stunning in his blue tux that Rafael had helped him pick out. Amanda in her silver gown looked beautiful as well. They made an attractive pair. “I saw disclosure papers on your desk the other day, Rafa.” Liv said softly. They were the only ones at the table. Sonny and Amanda were dancing and Fin and Mike were getting drinks. He looked at her and tried to look unconcerned. He had a feeling it wasn’t working and opted for downing his scotch instead. “I am curious why you didn’t submit them.” He sighed. He should have known Liv wouldn't mind her business. He wanted to wallow and not admit to his best friend his stupidity. “I think Amanda’s heels are wearing her out. Maybe I should go cut in?” Liv offered. Rafael scoffed. “You?” “Carisi does look quite charming tonight. He’s tall enough for me. And a younger man on my arm might create rumors. SVU is prone to them.” Rafael looked at her. Her smile was soft. He knew she had no intention of getting up. He reached over and took her champagne glass, drinking what was left. She chuckled as he got up from the table and made his way to the blonde couple. “May I cut in?” the low sound of his voice startled Amanda who had her back to him. “Oh, Barba! Thank the Lord. My heels are killing me.” She patted him on the back and gave him a wink. She quickly hobbled her way back to the table to no doubt gossip with Liv. Sonny put his hands in his pockets and looked down. He didn’t move to leave nor did he get closer to Rafael. “Sonny, dance with me.” “In front of all these people.” Sonny muttered. “Isn’t that the opposite of what you wanted, Rafael.”Sonny had only taken a step away when Rafael placed his hands on Sonny forearms. The touch felt intimate to him but he knew nothing looked odd to the people around them.“No, it’s not. I wanted you to be established. To pass the bar first. I wanted everyone to know how incredible you are and not try to credit me with your accomplishments.” Rafael confused, “It was silly of me. I-” “Rafael.” Sonny was suddenly close to him. He could feel Sonny’s breath on his cheek. “I don’t care about any of that. Raf.” Sonny’s hands were suddenly on Rafael’s waist. Rafael, a man in his forties couldn’t stop a red blush from darkening to his cheeks. They started to sway, Rafael wouldn’t call it dancing but it would do.