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When monsters emerged from the Underground, never in your life did you think you'd one day end up in this position.Once upon a time, video games were just video games and life was painfully mundane. But then it wasn't, and you thought "hey, wow, cool, monsters are real!". You thought it would be cool to meet them of course, but y'know what? You're pretty content to just know they're real, which opens the door to a lot of other fictional universes you're passionate about. It's cool, you're not gonna get excited about some monsters. Of course, not everyone had the same mindset as you - anyone who appeared as a character in the story of Undertale was basically elevated to celebrity status overnight. You maaaay have indulged in those rabid fan thoughts at the beginning, but it eventually occurred to you that "wait, these are real people" and suddenly obsessing over them felt... weird.Like yeah, you're not gonna get rid of your Undertale merch... or completely stop thinking about meeting the characters... But you're not going to put them on a pedestal! No sending them obsessive fan mail or spamming their social media accounts! You're gonna be cool.You're COOL.Fast-forward: you've lost track of what is and isn't real about all this Undertale baloney - thinking about the existence of the alternate universes has just gotten overwhelming. So here you are, walking to somewhere or whatever in the dead of winter having an extremely un-Undertale day. You hear someone squeal with delight in the distance like they just bumped into their favourite celebrity, and while curious, you decide to turn down an alley to avoid any potential crowds that are gathering at this very minute. Hopefully, any potential muggers are also fans of this mysterious celebrity and will not be stalking this alley for potential unsuspecting victims like yourself--Now suddenly you're the one screaming when someone quite literally pops into existence in front of you and you barely have enough time to leap back to avoid colliding with them."shit! sorry--" He's got this look on his bony little face that says he knows exactly what you're thinking - namely, that you recognize him. There's this distressed shape to his expression, and you're kind of surprised how easy it is for his face to display emotion. "uh, please don't scream. i--"Voices in the distance suddenly seem louder, and you can pick out a name that they are calling out for, sounding like they just lost their sweet little friend in the middle of a crowd. Your brain is screaming "OH SHIT IT'S SANS UNDERTALE" but aside from your startled outburst a moment ago, you've been silent on the outside. I mean, honestly, what can you say in a situation like this??You don't even register when your body starts to move on its own."wh-- hold on, what are you--?" The skeleton looks ready to fucking bolt when you suddenly start approaching him, but he shuts up and freezes when you push your hat over and onto his skull. Neither of you seem to know what's going on as you untangle your scarf and drop it on his shoulders, adjusting it to cover the lower half of his face. Your builds are different, but somehow your longass coat makes him look absolutely miniscule even with it merely draped over his shoulders. For the finishing touches, you take off your sunglasses (it's winter but you're COOL, dammit!) and shove them over his eye sockets.They unceremoniously fall onto the ground."Fuck!" you groan. You're an absolute fool. How did you forget basic skeleton anatomy? You blame the numerous selfies online that the skelebros post with sunglasses subtly taped to their faces."this," Sans starts, looking down at the sunglasses on the ground before gesturing to the rest of the borrowed outfit, "is the worst disguise i have ever seen.""Oh my God, shut the fuck up - I'm trying, okay?!" In all your wildest dreams, you never imagined your first meeting with Sans Undertale would involve stripping and telling him to "shut the fuck up". Okay, maybe that's something exclusively from wild dreams. Is this a dream? Are you awake right now? You have both started snickering at the absolute absurdity of all this and you honestly have no idea what's going on anymore. The laughter is cut short when someone in the distance calls Sans' name again, and the skeleton jumps and looks around wildly to make sure the source isn't close."uh, hate to steal your clothes and run, but--" He pauses in the middle of trying to zip up your coat, furrowing his brow at his own choice of words. You really don't blame him for not wanting to give off that impression. You both know how people are."If I don't get that coat back, I am going to spam you with the worst ecto-dick porn I can find until I get it back."Even through the layers of winterwear, his shudder is visible. Geez, he really doesn't like this whole celebrity heartthrob image people have placed on him, huh? Granted, if you were him, you certainly wouldn't either."joke's on you, i haven't checked my messages in months." He zips up the coat the rest of the way, and you're relieved that his shorter stature means the coat obscures his bony legs. Those slippers are still a problem, but you're not about to switch footwear with him. "thanks for telling me so i can keep putting it off.""Hey, no problem man." You watch as he flips up the hood and actually picks up the sunglasses on the ground. He slides them onto his face, and they actually stay there. Holy shit, magic(??) is incredible. He shoves his phalanges into the coat pockets, trying to look casual."how does it look? ok?""You look like me," you say without thinking. "Dead inside but stylish as shit."Sans snorts, and then practically giggles - laughter high-pitched and unrestrained. You didn't know he could make that noise, and now you're painfully aware that you just gave all your shit to a complete stranger."welp, that's only half me so guess i won't get recognized. thanks kid. if anyone asks, tell em i'm halfway to albuquerque."And as quick as he appeared, he's just... gone. Poof. Not literally poof, just metaphorically. What a funny little dude....Oh shit, did you leave your phone in your coat???Things get weird after that.You get your coat and stuff back - all in a neat little pile at your front door with no deliverer in sight when you peek outside. Your phone seems untouched as well, and you can't help but breathe a sigh of relief at that. You thought that would be the end of your skeleton interactions, but two weeks later you get a text from a number you've never seen before.unknown: hey uh sorry but do you know a place like a coffee shop or something that's decent but pretty out of the way and doesn't get a lot of trafficunknown: preferably accepting of monstersunknown: but i'm not pickyunknown: askign for a friendThere is absolutely nothing signalling who this may be, although you can't help but think about A CERTAIN SOMEONE you met recently who isn't a fan of attention and would have had ample opportunity to learn your phone number. But you can't jump to conclusions! Play it cool and oblivious.You: new phone who disunknown: someone who's dead inside but not stylish as shitOh shit!! Is this A CODE?!You: hold on I know how to figure it outYou: been to Albuquerque lately?You're so glad your phone knows how to spell that word.unknown: tried, but i got turned away at the border. pretty rude dontcha think?General consensus is that monsters are rad as heck thanks to the game proving they are good people (also there would be an outrage from fans if they were treated overtly unfairly), but they still aren't allowed past certain borders. Absolute load of garbage is what that is.You: well shit you're not who I thought then. Looks like you got the wrong numberunknown: oh darn. mind helping me out anyways?There is probably a reason he doesn't want any connection between you two tied to this conversation. You don't really know why, but you figure you may as well play along. Heck, let's change his contact info to AN IRONIC CODENAME.You: yea sureYou: you know where Keewatin is?You: the streetpaparazzi: noYou: its just off Grandview somewhereYou: you can Google itpaparazzi: okYou: but yea theres a place at the end of the streetYou: theres like no other stores or businesses in sight because the location is so bad and the parking sucksYou: always super deadpaparazzi: sounds like a place made just for meYou: big moodpaparazzi: well uh thankspaparazzi: strangerYou: no probThe conversation ends after that, but contact continues the very next day, which completely baffles you. You know it's gotta be Sans, but neither of you acknowledge that. At first he only texts you to ask about random junk - where's a good place for this, what's a good way to go about doing this - but then the messages become:paparazzi: ipaparazzi: NEVERpaparazzi: want to go to another convention for as long as i liveYou can't help but laugh at the unexpected use of caps as you let him rattle on about how horrible his day was - and talking about each other's days becomes A Thing. You picked up on the fact that he seems to be one of the only skeleton monsters that hates getting attention, but you quickly learn he not only has to put up with his own fans, but also the fans of his bro and all their alternates. Apparently the others just love to eat that shit up and let the attention get to their head. You have no idea how many skeles he has to put up with on a regular basis, but judging by how often certain codenames get thrown around (god you feel so cool using codenames - even ones as simple as "lazy bonehead", "my bro", and bafflingly different from the previous codename: "lil bro") you guess there's gotta be at least half a dozen of them. The idea of Sans running around trying to keep an eye on the others while avoiding his own fans makes you laugh, and you definitely tease him about it.After the initial semi-awkwardness of first contact, you make sure to slip in as many mentions of "ecto-dick" as possible. Even through text, you can just sense the way his SOUL shrivels up and dies. You fully expect him to stop messaging you or at least threaten to do so, but the most you get is "pls no" or "you are just the worst". The closest you've gotten is "talking to you was a mistake", and you get way too excited whenever you manage to level up his absolute disdain for your antics.One day though, you get something particularly weird from him.paparazzi: hey whats upWhat the FUCK kind of text is that?? You two don't ask each other "what's up"! That's conversation for amateurs. This calls for... DRASTIC MEASURES.You: new phone who dispaparazzi: aw cmon, you knowpaparazzi: it's your fav skelebae ;)We got a code red here! A national emergency! Don't worry, you've been preparing all your life for this.You: literally whopaparazzi: uhpaparazzi: sans? the skeleton?paparazzi: you know undertale??You: never heard of herIt's a few minutes before you get another reply. Perhaps the impostor was going through the text history? Or interrogating the real Sans on how they should proceed? Poor guy, he is likely being restrained right now, forced to watch this slander of his personage unfold! Only you can save him.paparazzi: well it's your lucky day sweetheartpaparazzi: wanna meet the man of your dreams?You practically do a fist pump, but not for the actual content of the message. Oh HELL yes, your obfuscated stupidity made them slip up. That particular term of endearment narrows down the potential identity of this impostor considerably. You're going to guess it's "Underfell Sans", AKA Red - or "edgy dumbass", as Sans calls him in your conversations. At least, you think that's who that codename refers to. It gets overwhelming to keep track of sometimes.Hold on... is he trying to get you to meet up with him? (Or... them? Are multiple people involved in this hostage situation??)You: sorry undertale but i'm gayYou: and also a nunYou: i also do not sleep and also have no purpose in life and thus do not have dreamspaparazzi: sounds like we have a lot in commonYou: oh a fellow nun? what church do you go to?Skeleton nuns. What an image that just entered your mind.paparazzi: yer real funny, you know that? really think we should meet up. bet we'd have a good time.Plays on "bad time" and "dunked on" are other phrases that you've learned make Sans want to die, if you needed anymore proof this isn't him. One time you sent him Megalovania in a very Rickroll-like fashion, and now he doesn’t click on any of your links.You: sorry i cantpaparazzi: why not?You: don't got legspaparazzi: no problem. i'll just come to youYou: good luck getting to the voidWait, no--paparazzi: oh sweetheart, i know that place better than you'd thinkFuck.You're bustin' your brain for a response, when suddenly another text comes in.paparazzi: llkjlkllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll;You: is this a mating callpaparazzi: sorry, edgy dumbass stole my phone. got it back nowYou: did you dunk on himpaparazzi: heypaparazzi: palpaparazzi: p e r i s hpaparazzi: (ye i did)You: hell yeaSans (assumedly? man you hope the impostor isn't tricking you) doesn't respond, but to his defense you didn't really give him much to go on. You want to say more, but nothing comes to you.paparazzi: hey uhpaparazzi: thanksYou: dude if I ever see the word "skelebae" or "sweetheart" or "whats up" from your number again I'm gonna call the policepaparazzi: good call. consider those the panic words thenDays later, you get to experience an entirely different arrangement of "panic words".paparazzi: so uhpaparazzi: got a favor to ask youYou: lay it on me bone daddypaparazzi: actually two favourspaparazzi: one, never say that againYou: Your complaint has been filed for review at a later date!paparazzi: ughYou: :^)paparazzi: moving onpaparazzi: how would you feel about meeting up?You have to reread that last message a few times. The previous texts up until now definitely seemed like Sans... but he's never expressed interest in seeing you again. You've honestly gotten used to just texting him, you haven't considered encountering him in person again.You: is this a testYou: I meanYou: new phone who dispaparazzi: no testpaparazzi: just your dead inside pal from albuquerquepaparazzi: don't worrypaparazzi: well actually worry a little bitYou: uh ohpaparazzi: yea so idk why but the others justpaparazzi: really want to know who i'm textingpaparazzi: said they're gonna find out for themselves if i don't tell emYou: oh shitpaparazzi: dunno how they'll do it, but i figured you wouldn't appreciate geting stalked by a bunch of skeletonsYou wouldn't appreciate getting stalked in the slightest, but you are admittedly interested in meeting the others. It’s not like they’re bad people or anything, so you’d probably just have a really wacky adventure, with them in shitty disguises as they follow you down the street. Seriously, how bad could it possibly--paparazzi: and yknowpaparazzi: i don't really know what would happen if the media got wind of there being some human that we're following aroundpaparazzi: and uhpaparazzi: not just the mediaOh.Right.Becoming the center of celebrity gossip is definitely not on your to-do list anytime soon. Once upon a time it may have been, and one day it may be again, but right now? With these guys? With THOSE fans - and the not-so fans?? And the very very fans???You: so whats ur plan thenpaparazzi: got a shortcut between my place and yourspaparazzi: just show them how much of a dumb loser you are and then they'll leave us alonepaparazzi: hopefullyYou: w-wow, shouldn't you take me on a date first before inviting me over to meet your family??paparazzi: heypaparazzi: stop thatYou: OwOpaparazzi: stopYou: hehe im just joshin ya!paparazzi: whos joshYou: i know that this "hangout" was the real date all along........paparazzi: no datespaparazzi: only raisinsYou: its ok i wont tell anybody uwupaparazzi: thanks i guessYou: >w<You forget to agree to the hangout as you continue to torment Sans (and he just keeps putting up with it), but you guess your consent to the plan was implied?paparazzi: knock knockYou: who dispaparazzi: dishesYou: heard that one before, try againpaparazzi: darnYour first thought is "oh, this must mean Sans is here to whisk me away to the skeleton abode!" and after gathering all your stuff, you head for your front door. The next thought you have is about how this is actually the first knock knock joke Sans has told you? Actually, his puns are actually pretty scarce too, now that you think about it. Maybe he's not as into them as fanfiction once led you to believe.Or maybe he thought the bad jokes made him seem too endearing, so he stopped to try and drive enthusiastic fans away.That... would be actually really depressing.paparazzi: ok knock knockYou: whompaparazzi: zzzYou: zzz whompaparazzi: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzpaparazzi: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzpaparazzi: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzpaparazzi: (open the door)paparazzi: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzYou can't help but chuckle as you open the door, your phone buzzing once more as you do so. You catch sight of Sans pocketing his phone before the door is fully opened."heya kid." It's weird - this is the first time you've since him since you bumped into him in the alley, but you're not as overwhelmed as you thought you'd be to see this familiar living and breathing(?) skeleton at your doorstep. Is this because of the near-daily texting, or does your brain just no longer register him as "Sans Undertale from the hit video game Undertale" anymore? Is he now registered as "Sans, whom is a skeleton and also maybe your friend"?? Is it too soon to call him a friend? Yeah, probably. Regardless, your brain is trying to figure out how to incorporate "living tiredly or tired of living?" into your greeting in reference to the texts, but what tumbles out of your mouth is completely different."Dude how did you even find out where I live?" As part of your encoded texting routine, you neglected to ask. In fact, that little tidbit about him was something you had almost forgotten until just now.His expression grows distinctly strained, and suddenly those eyelights want to look anywhere except directly at you. "...maybe you shouldn't keep stuff like amazon open on your phone."Well, you already knew he went snooping to figure out your phone number (which you still don't know the reasoning for), so instead of chastising him you merely say: "Well shit! That'll teach me to impulse buy fifty Sans Undertale body pillows while waiting for the bus." You honestly don't remember why you had Amazon open on your phone or why you were even logged in in the first place, but you suddenly don't care when you get the pleasure of watching the skeleton physically squirm in place as he makes a faint, anguished noise."wow. i can't believe you're worse in person than over text." Despite his visible agony, there is a lightness to his tone that frees you from any guilt you'd otherwise be feeling from trolling him this hard. "welp, at least today i'll finally get payback. cuz you're eating a nice home cooked dinner at our place."You feel your face fall - your hopes and dreams, gone - and in response, Sans expression shifts to what looks like actual glee. God, how could you forget about dinner??"Please tell me your brother's - and anyone else's - cooking nightmares are one of those super incorrect things about you guys." He just snickers, perma-grin stuck in place. "You're gonna save me with like, a burg from Grillby's or something, right??""what is this, fanfiction? sorry kid, you're on your own. maybe one of the others will help you, but you'll have to make them like you first.""You're saying I have to actually WORK to make them like me? Ugh, this is the worst harem fanfic!" With an exaggerated groan, you step outside of your home and turn around to shut the door. Behind you, Sans just chuckles."tibia honest, they are probably going to fight for your attention cuz, uh..." You're locking the door when he pauses. "...well, just wanted to warn you ahead of time."You're not sure if you're supposed to be flattered or worried. "Ooh, a bone pun? Just for me? Yowzah, maybe I shouldn't count out my harem dreams just yet--"Your brain doesn't even register when the change happens. One second you're facing your door and starting to turn around, and the next... well, you're staring at a completely different home. One smack dab in the middle of the woods.You didn't... you didn't even feel anything! This is absolutely not what you expected Sans' "shortcuts" to be like. You don't even realize you're all gaping and awestruck until you see Sans' mildly amused face, to which you promptly shut your jaw. You're pretty sure he's even still the same distance from you. Same stance. How the FUCK."oh hey, we're here." How could someone's tone be so casual and yet so smug at the same time? You can't help but wonder if he does this to people often, or if it's because he never does this to people that he's getting such a kick out of your reaction. "welp, no point standing out here. come on in, before some monster in the woods mistakes you for a snack."Instead of following him immediately, you can't help but peer through the trees as your heart skips a beat. Instinctively, you're looking for anything particularly boney or skeleton-shaped... but there's nothing that you can see."trust me kid--" You look back at Sans, who has one of his bony hands on the doorknob as he gazes back at you with an unreadable expression. "--you really don't want to meet any of those guys. no one should want to."You frown - empathy and morbid curiosity consuming you whole - but ultimately decide this isn't a conversation for right now. "How many of you guys live around here?""too many," he sighs, suddenly looking exhausted. "some stayed at the old place. others left even before that. the only ones that move around with us are the ones who want to go home someday. ...mostly."And he just gives you this weak shrug, like it's no big deal. Like it's no big deal that countless versions of him and his brother have been torn from the fabric of their realities and brought to a world where they're all fawned over and treated like fucking celebrities. It's no surprise that several of them wouldn't want to go home. And from that desperate, defeated look on Sans' face, you get the impression that not everyone who lives on this property is super determined to go home either.Wow. You just wanted to meet some skeletons. What's this shit gotta be all serious for?"Well don't worry your bony little head, my bae of skeles. One minute of talking to me and they'll all be begging to go back home. That's the real reason you invited me over here, right? You just knew at a glance, 'damn this bitch is annoying as fuck, they're perfect, I gotta gank their number so I can trick everyone into wanting to meet them' ."Your attempt at lightening the mood succeeds: although he still looks tired, Sans chuckles. "that's an awful impression of me. 'gank'? is that actually a real word that people use?""Well sooooorry I can't replicate your accent. I'm not fluent in ugly ass fonts.""hm. could have fooled me." The teasing grin lights up his eyes, and you both start snickering. Here you are, about to meet the SKELETONS OF YOUR DREAMS, and you and Sans are just standing outside giggling at insult volleyball. You're both just a couple of assholes who somehow encountered each other on this bitch of an Earth, and you'd honestly be content to dunk on each other until you die. This is the fucking life. You've made it. What could possibly top this?Unfortunately, this little moment can't last forever."looks like they know we're here." When you spot the curtain move out of the corner of your eye, Sans follows your gaze there. You weren't able to see who may have been watching you two giggle up a storm, but you take solace in knowing at least it wasn't something from the woods."I'm gonna dunk on everybody so hard," you say as you finally approach him and the door. The noise he makes is somewhere between a chuckle and a sigh."well, just don't make my bro cry and we're golden." And with that lowkey threat and no time to respond, Sans twists the knob and walks through the doorway, his entire demeanour changing in an instant to something a little more familiar to fiction. "i'm back!"You really don't know what you were expecting when you walked into the skeleton home. Obviously you weren’t expecting a chill welcoming - it’s definitely going to be more highkey than that. And yet, despite expecting it, you feel this rising panic when there is just... a ruckus. You very suddenly have the sensation of people running at you from all directions, even though you can't see them yet."SANS! DID YOU BRING YOUR FRIEND--?" The moment Papyrus rounds the corner and spots you, he lets out the most JOYOUS YELL you have ever heard. Papyrus Undertale may possibly be the sweetest soul in the entire multiverse, but for a very brief moment, his unrestrained enthusiasm outright frightens you."HELLO SANS' HUMAN FRIEND! IT IS SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU!!!" The tall skele stops in front of you and grabs your hands in his own. His smile is absolutely infectious - you just hope the one on your own face doesn't betray how self-conscious you suddenly feel. All you know is memes and verbal torture, but even without Sans' warning, you don't think you'd even want to expose Papyrus to your bad attitude. "MY BROTHER HAS NEVER BROUGHT ANYONE HOME BEFORE, SO THIS IS VERY EXCITING!"God, there are so many ways you could respond to that. You look at Sans, who's reading your mind and giving you a "don't you dare" look. If your hands weren't preoccupied right now, you may have blown him a kiss for funsies. But it is probably for the best that you can't - if there's one thing that would make tormenting Sans not worth it, it's the misunderstandings your faux-flirty bullshit could bring. You've read the fake-dating fanfics - nuh-uh buddy, you ain't getting yourself into that kind of mess.But of course, you can't just say nothing."Wow, I'm Sans' first? I'm so honoured." You say this in as flat a tone as possible, all while staring said skeleton right in the eye sockets. You watch with a sick glee as his eyelights shrink and - he doesn't even say anything, he just turns to go upstairs so he can be anywhere but here. Unfortunately for him, things just aren't that easy."THE HUMAN IS HERE???" Barreling down the stairs so fast that he nearly knocks Sans over is Blueberry, with - oh gosh, now that's real - literal stars in his eyes when he stops in front of you. His hands hover in the air in front of him as if he planned to do something with them, but after noticing how your hands are still in Papyrus' (for some reason), he brushes it off pretty easily and places his hands on his hips instead."AHEM! GREETINGS, HUMAN! I-I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD OF ME, BUT ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF! I AM THE MAGNIFICENT BLUE!"Huh, did he stutter? You'd think he was used to interacting with his fans by now. He can't be nervous, can he?"OH, HOW RUDE OF ME!" Looking appalled, Papyrus finally releases your hands. "I JUST ASSUMED YOU KNEW US ALL ALREADY, BUT MAYBE... YOU DON'T???" Something about his eye sockets are suddenly... shifty. You can't help but think back to your fake ignorance when you were dealing with the impostor who stole Sans' phone. There's no way sweet ol' Paps had anything to do with that dastardly heist, right? "R-REGARDLESS, INTRODUCING OURSELVES IS JUST PART OF BEING A GOOD HOST! MY NAME IS THE GREAT PAPYRUS AND YOU CAN FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, TUMBLR, INSTAGRAM..." His expression shifts to look slightly disgruntled. "I WOULD BE COOLSKELETON95 - WHICH WAS MY HANDLE ON THE UNDERNET - BUT SOME FIENDS HAD ALREADY TAKEN THAT NAME BY THE TIME WE GOT TO THE SURFACE... SO INSTEAD YOU CAN FIND ME UNDER MY NEW NAME: NEOCOOLSKELETON95!!! IT’S THE NEW AND IMPROVED ME! NYEH HEH HEH!""YOU SHOULD FOLLOW ME TOO!" Blue squeals, almost bouncing from excitement. "HUMAN, WHAT'S YOUR USERNAME??? WE COULD BE MUTUALS!!!"Wow you've known these guys for all of like, one minute and you've already reached Mutual Follower status? Damn, you've got game. However, you are admittedly reluctant to give them that sort of information. You just don't think they're ready for the full extent of your bullshit. You also feel really weird at the idea of the real Undertale cast stumbling upon anything pertaining to them - the bulk of that junk is buried by now, but there are some things you've said that you'd rather they not see. You like to think you're not that person anymore.As you are formulating ways to deflect the conversation, you state your name and your celestial birth title. You are an ancient deity, born in a raging fire with the destiny to lay down the sickest burns and also raise the temperature to mildly uncomfortable levels, y'know like when you're not sweating yet but you feel kind of cold and clammy anyways and you wonder gee maybe I'm just broken and oooOOOH SHIT WHAT THE HELL IS BEHIND YOU"well aren'tcha just a doll? " There's a hot breath(??) on your neck that nearly makes you jump out of your skin. Your dumbass spiel dies in your throat as you whip around to face the skeleton that definitely was not behind you when you came in the door."Oh shit, it's Undertale herself!" you say on impulse, because all you can suddenly think about is that time you may or may not have been talking to Red. It's hella satisfying to watch his downright predatory grin shift to baffled and confused before his eyes light up in realization."ooh! so ya did know who ya were talking to!" You notice Red glance in what you think is Sans' direction before his eyelights refocus on you, gleaming with some sort of wickedness before easily transitioning to a half-lidded gaze that roams your body up and down. You are extremely aware of the way his phalanges are slowly approaching your hips. "so, ya took me up on that offer ta meet up, hmmm?"God.There's something very... exaggerated about all this. It's too much for you. You actually start laughing."What? No!" You practically smack your palm over Red's face as you chuckle up a storm, and he's startled enough by the action that you're actually able to push him back and hold away at arm's reach. The waggly fingers and grabby hands he makes at you alongside a laugh-whine combo is extremely cute and comical. "I didn't come here for you! I only came here because Sans said he'd give me a bad time if I didn't--"And you just full-on laugh, retracting your hand so you can cover your face in an attempt to calm yourself. Wow, that just slipped out! That was SO LAME. If you weren't laughing so hard, you'd be able to see the incredulous looks on Red's, Papyrus', and Blue's faces. The only thing you are aware of is your own undying laughter.And the laughter of one other person.The sound prompts you to look up, and all you can see is Sans holding onto the staircase railing as he's doubled over like he's fucking dying, and he's just laughing so hard. Your brain simply cannot process this sight between your giggles, so you end up staring at him in confusion. He's never laughed at one of these jokes before - at least, you don't think he has. His text replies seemed to imply he was unamused by your referential humour, but could he have actually found it funny? Or maybe it was just the timing of this one?? Or maybe you just finally broke him! Nice going! Whatever the case is, he's laughing, and you're laughing, and somehow this just makes the both of you laugh harder. There are tears in your eyes. You laugh so hard that a disgusting snort emerges, and you have to force a cough to try and calm yourself down before it happens again. Sans on the other hand, might actually be laughing even harder now."i can't-- " he wheezes, and you don't know if he intended to finish that or not, because he doesn't say anything understandable as he sinks down onto the staircase, lying down on the stairs as his laughter gradually dies out."...I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT JUST HAPPENED," Papyrus confesses, looking genuinely concerned for the two of you. You try to say something - either reassurance or another bad joke, you're not sure which - but you start giggling too hard to speak just from the mere thought of saying something hilarious. The two of you seem to be stuck in a loop, because Sans starts laughing harder when you do, his pitch seeming impossibly high. Yeah, you definitely broke him."U-UM..." Blue fidgets, also at a loss on what to do. "I'LL... I'LL GO GET A GLASS OF WATER!!!" He races out of this front hallway area you all still not have made your way out of. Geez, y'all should get on that.Red is the last one to recover, though keeps looking at you like you are the most bizarre and nonsensical thing he has ever seen in his life. He is unable to fully restore that Horny Look he had going for a minute there. "...s-sweetheart, if yer... if yer worried about ol' vanilla here, i could--""don't worry honey, i'll protect you from the big bad wolf."There is a muffled "hey!" from Red, and when you look up you see Stretch has finally joined the welcoming group, standing between you and Red. It looks like he's grinding a lollipop stick between his teeth - which, you notice, are somehow tilted up in an amused smirk. You assume the reason he is amused is because he heard your Bad Time joke and thinks you are absolutely hilarious. Yep, that's gotta be it. You are just SO funny. God."Hold on, who's the wolf?" Your laughter has finally died down and you can speak again. Huzzah. "Paps isn't bad, and neither Sans nor Red are big. What gives?"You can't help but glance back at Sans as you speak. He's still lying on the staircase, but his giggles have finally pittered out and he's now just watching the proceedings very... intently. Is he just tired, or does this have something to do with Stretch's arrival? Is there DRAMA between them?? Ooh, spicy."oh sweetheart--" You turn back around to see Red popping out from behind Stretch, once again giving you that obviously flirty look. "--if yer lookin' fer big, i'll show ya big-- ""I think I'm good!" you squeak out, just a tiny bit flustered as you once again go to push him away with your hand. This time, however, your hand makes contact with someone else's hand - you yank yours away as soon as it makes contact with Stretch's phalanges, leaving him to hold off Red on his own."hey! get yer hand offa me, ashtray!" Red is much more aggressive with Stretch's interference than he was with you, practically clawing at the taller skeleton's arm to get it out of his way. As soon as he manages to get it away, Stretch just moves it back, and it eventually devolves to one grinning skeleton waving his hand randomly while the other swats at it like an angry cat. It's actually pretty funny to watch, and it successfully distracts you from the weird feeling you had about touching bare skeleton hand for the first time ever. What the hell, you really are in a harem fanfic.A sweet voice calls your name, and you turn to see Blue has returned with the glass of water. He's very clearly a weird mix of confident and nervous, and you still cannot fathom why. The sweetheart holds the cup out to you with both hands - is he shaking? - and you accept it with what you hope is your kindest smile."Thanks Blue, you're the best." As you take a sip of the water, you can't help but notice the way Blue beams at you, as if you just told him you loved him or something. It's such an intense and drastic change to a completely normal and simple phrase, so something about it feels... off."MWEH HEH HEH! OF COURSE I AM!" Is that a bit of colour to his cheekbones or are the lights playing tricks on you? Skeleton blushes are one of those things that you couldn't decide on if they were real or not, and to this day you haven't seen a definitive picture of one. You're so focused on his skull that you almost miss the way he seems to eye your hands, slowly reaching for your arm--"WHY DON'T WE STOP STANDING AROUND AND TRULY START THIS HANGOUT?" Papyrus suggests. It's like a switch is flipped and all the nonsense happening around you screeches to a halt. Red and Stretch stop their cat-and-mouse game, and Blue snaps his skull up as if shaken from a daze, putting his hands back to his sides. The only one who doesn't really change is Sans, who seems to be nodding off on the stairs. Before he can fully pass out, Papyrus scoops him up and carries him under one arm like a football."NEW HUMAN FRIEND, WE HAVE COME UP WITH AN ITINERARY OF FUN HANGOUT ACTIVITIES FOR THE DAY THAT WILL HELP YOU GET TO KNOW US BETTER! FIRST, WE WILL WATCH THE ORIGINAL METTATON MUSICAL TOGETHER WITH ALL THE DELECTABLE AND GREASY SNACKS YOU CAN ASK FOR! BUT DON'T FILL YOURSELF UP, BECAUSE AFTER THAT BLUE AND I WILL START MAKING THE MOST AMAZING FRIENDSHIP DINNER YOU'VE EVER HAD. DO NOT DESPAIR OUR ABSENCE HOWEVER, FOR WHEN WE LEAVE TO TOIL AWAY IN THE KITCHEN, RED AND STRETCH HAVE VOLUNTEERED TO KEEP YOU COMPANY!"As you follow Papyrus into the living room and listen to his plans for your evening together, you suddenly have the sensation that someone is staring intently at your back. Squashing down the urge to shiver, you peer over your shoulder to see both Red and Stretch following behind you - the latter giving you a wink while the shorter one smirks and tries to give you those fucking eyes again."sweetheart," Red practically purrs, voice low, "we'll make such good company that yer never gonna want ta leave."You sort of let out a snort, your brain only half-processing the situation. You aren't given any time to debilitate though, because Red's tone clearly makes something in Blue snap, and he's suddenly got a vice grip on your arm as he drags you into the living room."H-HURRY! WE NEED TO GET THE BEST SEAT BEFORE THE OTHERS TAKE IT!!!" You're practically forced onto the middle cushion of the couch and Blue is quick to land on your right, scooting close enough for his hipbone and kneecap to knock painfully into yours. You nearly jump when two more skeletons are suddenly on the couch too."fuck! le'go of me, ashtray! i was here first!!" Red snarls as Stretch uses one arm to hold him off and force him to the other side of the couch. The other arm lazily swings over your shoulders and pulls you close to him, and suddenly all you can smell is cigarette smoke and honey. Emboldened by his brother's behaviour, Blue wraps his arms around your midsection tightly and nuzzles your shoulder, incidentally trapping your arm between your bodies.Well now.You are trapped.You watch as Papyrus dumps his brother into an empty loveseat, and once the tall skeleton moves out of the way, you and Sans make eye contact. At first, you can't really read this expression - his lazy perma-grin makes it seem like he could be amused at first - but then his bone brow droops and he's giving you something more sympathetic, and yet too defeated to do anything about it. You remember what he told you earlier ("they are probably going to fight for your attention cuz, uh...") and you really wish he had elaborated on the extremity of that statement. Because this isn't like those wacky fanfics where everyone's interest develops slowly and at different rates, and yet they are all pretty chill and understanding and respectful of your space. No, there is just something so inherently off about the situation you're in, but you cannot place why. All you know is that you've got two skeletons hanging off of you and you think your arm is already falling asleep."CAN YOU IDIOTS KEEP IT DOWN??? SOME OF US HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN SUCK UP TO SOME LOWLY, PATHETIC HUMAN!"Never in your life have you been so grateful to have someone refer to you as a "lowly, pathetic human", but somehow you're breathing a strangled sigh of relief when Edge finally enters the scene. You're not even intimidated by the appraising glare he gives you - instead you're grateful when he scoffs and makes his way to one of the other empty loveseats. You really do not need another skeleton trying to get you into their lap - or trying to get themselves into yours. Red finally stops trying to throttle Stretch and instead just crosses his arms and grumbles, causing the latter to chuckle and relax against you in victory."important things like sulk in your room?" Stretch asks, and you can't help but notice Red does this half-growl half-snicker despite his bad mood, as if he can't decide to defend his brother or not. There's definitely something strained between the Fell bros, and you have to wonder if it's related to the tense attitude everyone else seems to have with one another. You can only hope things are usually normal around here, and it's only because there's a cute (hah!) human to fight over that they're all acting up."I WAS NOT SULKING!" Edge bites back a bit too harshly, his gloved hands curling to grip the armrests. The tall, leather-clad skeleton closes his eyes and exhales deeply, before leaning back and gently placing his hands in his lap. He looks like a fucking model - legs crossed, back straight, hardened expression. No wonder people fawn over him despite having the outward personality of a wet rag."I WAS OF COURSE ATTENDING TO MY COUNTLESS FANS ONLINE," he says so calmly and seriously that you almost start laughing. "AND BEFORE YOU ASK, NO! I DID NOT COME AND JOIN YOU FOOLS IN WOOING THE HUMAN - I AM ONLY HERE FOR THE METTATON MUSICAL!""nobody was gonna ask," Stretch counters, and Edge makes a show of ignoring him, tilting his head away and looking pointedly at the TV.Wooing, huh? You feel Blue tense up beside you, pretty much confirming that has been the intention all along (as if it wasn't obvious). Stretch doesn't move, but his gaze seems to be awfully interested in keeping straight ahead. Meanwhile, Red lets out a "tch" noise and stares downwards, as if being called out on his very obvious motives changed anything. The only one (other than Sans) to not be affected is Papyrus, who has taken a seat beside Blue with a big smile. He's started to fiddle with the TV remote, flipping to a channel where the end of a daily Mettaton news report is playing."WELL, IT'S NICE THAT YOU DECIDED TO JOIN US ANYWAYS. WATCHING METTATON IS ALWAYS MORE FUN WHEN YOU'RE WITH FRIENDS!""WHO SAID I CONSIDERED ANY OF YOU MY FRIENDS?! I TOLD YOU, I'M ONLY HERE TO WATCH METTATON!""you have a tv in your room," Red mutters, flinching when he realizes Edge heard him."YOU IMBECILE! THIS IS THE BIGGEST TV IN THE HOUSE! EVEN THOUGH THIS WORLD'S METTATON IS INFERIOR TO OURS, HE IS STILL BEST SEEN ON THE BIGGEST SCREEN POSSIBLE! WHICH IS! THIS ONE!!!""Hey, can you guys let up a bit? You're holding me so tight that I'm getting kind of woozy."Your shitastic pun is extremely late, but you've been wracking your brain for a goofy way to ask the Swap bros to ease up on the physical affection and a way to make fun of everyone for their behaviour towards you. It's obvious who catches it - Edge lets out a cry of disgust while Red lets a small chuckle slip. Stretch makes no moves to let you go and even squeezes your shoulder in defiance. Blue (thankfully) is the one to take you seriously and almost immediately recoils away from you."O-OH NO! I'M SO SORRY HUMAN, S-SOMETIMES I FORGET MY OWN MAGNIFICENT STRENGTH AND--""yeah you guys, if you squeeze the human til they pass out then they're liable to take you to court to sue for damages."Sans' equally bad (if not worse - it almost goes over your head) pun sends the both of you into a fit of giggles, made funnier when you watch Sans curl up as he laughs and nearly roll over in his seat. It doesn't take long before you are acutely aware nobody is laughing with the two of you - not even the other punny bones in the room."WAIT, WAS THAT PERHAPS... A PUN???" Papyrus gasps, and he sounds oddly... happy?? "OH SANS, I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE MAKING PUNS AGAIN! WELL, NO, NOT REALLY BECAUSE THEY ARE AWFUL - ESPECIALLY THAT ONE! - BUT YOU NOT MAKING PUNS HAS SURPRISINGLY BEEN MUCH WORSE!"Looks like your theory about Sans making less and less jokes since coming to the surface and becoming a celebrity was correct. However, you never realized it extended to spending time with his own family (and "family") as well. Before you can think about it further, Papyrus is suddenly out of his seat - and pulling you out of yours to yank you into an embrace."I'M SO GLAD MY BROTHER HAS A GOOD (WELL, SORT OF) INFLUENCE IN HIS LIFE! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!"Suddenly feeling extremely awkward, you can't help but look back at all the other skeletons in the room while you are trapped in this hug. Blue is clearly holding something in, but is unable to stop himself from rattling in distress. Stretch just looks mildly annoyed, while Red looks visibly angry about something. And Edge......well, he just looks like Edge.Finally there's Sans, who is curled up and has done a full 180 in his seat and thus his face is no longer visible. He's not laughing anymore, but he's not saying anything either. Is he... uncomfortable with the situation?"Well, uh, you're welcome I guess, but I don't think I've done anything?" You awkwardly pat Papyrus on the shoulder in hopes that he'll let you go, but he only slightly pulls away to look at your face with that big bright smile of his. "This is actually the first time I've ever heard Sans tell a pun, so... it was probably more just the timing than me??"That's a total lie - you and Sans have shot puns at each other over text. Hell, there was that bone pun he made earlier today. It wasn't the walls of punny dialogue that fanfics or the video game made you expect to come out of an interaction with Sans, but yep, still puns. Judging by the way Sans' curled form seems to relax (along with everyone else, actually), you assume you made the right call in lying like that. You're really not sure why it's a big deal to anybody though."HE DOES STILL MAKE THEM SOMETIMES," Blue points out, "JUST VERY VERY RARELY! I WISH MY BROTHER MADE PUNS LESS OFTEN TOO!""aw, don't be so blue, bro." At that, Blue lets out an exaggerated frustrated screech. "you love my puns.""I DO NOT! THEY ARE HORRIBLE!!!""WELL, I'M STILL HAPPY YOU AND MY BROTHER ARE FRIENDS!" Papyrus says, finally letting you go. "EVER SINCE HE STARTED TEXTING YOU, HE'S SEEMED MUCH HAPPIER!""Whaaaat, he has?" With a grin, you glance at Sans again to see he is once again tense. "Awww, Sansy! You like talking to me?""no it sucks," comes the muffled reply as the skeleton refuses to adjust his position. You think you can hear the hint of a smile in his voice. As you begin to reply, you sit back down between Stretch and Blue - thankfully, they don't abuse the opportunity to jump on you again."Shh, it's okay Sans. You don't have to say anything - I already know how deep your feelings run for me.""stars no, stop talking--""I've trapped you in a cage of passion, your non-existent blood pulsing red hot through your non-existent veins at the mere thought of me. God, if only you had lips so you could kiss me--""i hate you so much right now, you have no idea--""SANS, THAT'S NOT VERY NICE!" Papyrus chides. "WHETHER IT BE OUR FRIENDS OR OUR WONDERFUL FANS, YOU SHOULD LOVE AND CHERISH THEM!!! 'HATE' IS SUCH A STRONG AND UNPLEASANT WORD!""friends? i would never be friends with a dumb loser like that.""SANS!!!""It's okay Papyrus." The tall skeleton is baffled by your easy smile. "Sans just doesn't want to accept I am way too cool for a guy like him.""pfft, you wish you were cool.""I am EXTREMELY cool!"Sans suddenly flips over in the chair and sits upright with a goofy grin on his face. "ooh, look at me!" He's repitched his voice to do an awful imitation of you."i'm soooo cool, i wear sunglasses at night and in the middle of a snowstorm! cuz that's just how cool i am!""Hey!" You start laughing. "Hey, I'm Sans and I drink ketchup through my eyes!""oh, are we making shit up now?" There's a gleam in his eye sockets as he adjusts himself on the seat. "hey guys, i'm a huge tsundere and you wouldn't believe all the undertale figures i have! and the plushies, and the official clothes, and the mountain of porn on my hard drive--""NO!!" Your outburst happens completely against your will and you instinctively cover your mouth with your hand. But alas, it was too late. Red and Stretch are looking very interested, and Blue has that light to his cheekbones again while Papyrus looks a little bit startled. Edge scoffs and rolls his eyes, but it almost looks like his face has a bit of a blush too...?The reaction you're most worried about is Sans - he's gonna take it the wrong way and just be absolutely disgusted. But you're both surprised and relieved to see his bewilderment shift into sadistic glee, like someone who just got hold of some prime blackmail material. Shit. You're never going to live this down. God it’s not even true-- "whoa, i was just joking about all that. what'cha hiding on your phone, kiddo?""Sans Undertale!" You shout, jumping from the couch. "I! Am going to give you a bad time RIGHT NOW!""oh no please--" The moment you take a laughter-filled threatening step forward, he tries to scoot backward in mock-panic. He ends up sliding up onto the armrest... and doing a spectacular fall backwards onto the floor. You'd be concerned if he wasn't laughing his non-existent ass off down there, so you just laugh along with him."Ha ha! That's what you GET, you stupid dumb skeleton!" You feel like you are on the top of the world. What's next? Should you tell him he just got dunked on? Absolutely, you're gonna say that--"UMMM... CAN I ASK A QUESTION?"Eyes turn to look at Blue, who's fidgeting with his gloves."A-ARE YOU... ARE YOU IN SANS' FANCLUB???"You honestly don't register what he's asking at first. What you do register is that everyone is suddenly very interested in your answer - even Edge. Sans' laughter dies out and he's also staring very intently, expression unreadable."Pfft, no." Like with most things, you just say whatever comes to mind and treat your answer like a joke. "Why would I be his fan? He's a dumb idiot baby.""thank the stars," Sans chuckles, though his tone is somewhat strained. "i'd never want a lame-o like you in my fanclub.""SANS YOU DON'T EVEN INTERACT WITH YOUR FANCLUB!" Papyrus groans, and Sans just sort of shrugs as best he can when he's lying upside-down on the floor."then whose fanclub are ya in?" With a hungry grin, Red rises from the couch to get closer to you. Noticing what he's doing, Blue jumps up to get uncomfortably close as well. Even Papyrus seems extremely interested in the answer from his place on the couch, despite being the most reasonable person here."I mean..." You offer a lazy smile and shrug. "Can't I just be in everyone's fan club?""NO!!! THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES!" Edge shouts a touch too angrily. "HOW CAN YOU PROVE YOUR UNDYING LOYALTY TO SOMEONE IF YOU'RE PART OF MULTIPLE FANCLUBS?! IT'S FILTHY AND UNFAITHFUL!""I THINK IT'S OKAY TO BE PART OF MULTIPLE FANCLUBS," Papyrus says, prompting Edge to scoff."OF COURSE YOU DO. ALL OF YOUR FANCLUBS ARE LIKE A CIRCUS! I, ON THE OTHER HAND, ONLY ALLOW THE MOST ELITE AND TRUSTWORTHY FANS TO JOIN MY FANCLUB! I HAVE TESTED THEIR UNDYING DEVOTION TO ME THOROUGHLY. I'D NEVER LET SOME COMMON NOBODY JOIN!" He's eying you particularly hard. "AND BEFORE YOU ASK, NO, YOU MAY NOT J--""Relax, I don't wanna join your fanclub," you assure him, and you can't help but chuckle at the absolutely flabbergasted expression on his face. Somehow, your response makes everyone's attention on you all the more intense. Great, you’re just narrowing down the possibilities for them."W-WELL, I DON'T MIND IF YOU JOIN MORE THAN ONE FANCLUB," Blue says shyly, "B-BUT IF YOU HAD TO PICK ONE... UM, WHO WOULD YOU PICK???""i think we all know what th' answer is.""NO RED, NO WE DON'T!!!""ACTUALLY, YES WE DO! THE ANSWER IS... MINE!!!"An entirely new voice has entered the fray, startling everyone. Two skeletons slide into the room like a couple of anime characters, holding a pose as they come to a stop. The pose of the shorter skeleton - Blackberry, you recognize - is almost definitely something you've seen from an anime, while his brother behind him is doing a dab. Purple sparks of magic pop in the air around them like fireworks. Absolutely no one is impressed by their entrance (except you - you start clapping once the shock wears off). Edge in particular groans and rolls his eyes."WHICH OF YOU IDIOTS FORGOT TO LOCK THE FRONT DOOR??""ATTENTION INFERIOR VERSIONS OF MYSELF AND MY BROTHER!" Black does not even look at anyone in the room as he puts his hands on his hips and holds himself proudly. "I, THE MALEVOLENT BLACK, WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THIS SWEET, LOST FAN OF MINE OUT OF THE WOODS AND INTO YOUR MISERABLE LITTLE HOME FOR SAFEKEEPING! YOUR SERVICES ARE NO LONGER NEEDED - I SHALL NOW ESCORT THEM TO MY MANSION."Literally nobody knows how to respond to this."UM, BLACK?" Papyrus is the first to try and clear things up. "THIS HUMAN WASN'T LOST IN THE WOODS AT ALL! THIS IS SANS' FRIEND (I THINK?) ACTUALLY!""WHAT?!" Black looks between you and Sans (who is giving a lazy grin from his place on the floor). "W-WELL, DID THEY BECOME FRIENDS IN THE WOODS WHILE THE HUMAN WAS LOOKING FOR MY HOUSE???""nope.""Sans picked me up from my place and we came straight here," you clarify in place of Sans' short answer, somewhat amused by this misunderstanding. Nobody else is amused though, and that makes this whole situation even funnier to you."...IS YOUR HOME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS?""NOBODY WAS COMING TO SEE YOU!" Edge finally shouts, and Blue nods along."YEAH! THE HUMAN CAME TO HANG OUT WITH US, NOT YOU!"Black sputters a bit, losing his confident composure. "TH-THIS IS NONSENSE! WHY WOULD SOMEONE COME OUT HERE TO SEE ANY OF YOU IDIOTS?! THE HUMAN CLEARLY ONLY AGREED TO YOUR LITTLE 'HANGOUT' SO THEY COULD GET THE CHANCE TO MEET ME!""you don't even live here," Red grumbles, though he goes ignored when Black finally approaches you."TELL THEM, HUMAN! TELL THEM HOW YOU ARE SECRETLY ONE OF MY BIGGEST FANS, AND HOW YOU HAVE BEEN DYING FOR A CHANCE TO MEET ME!"You just kind of Look at him, and he clearly does not see your deadpan. So you let out a dramatic sigh and say in your most monotone voice: "Oh baby oh baby, you are totally right my sweet dude. I need my beloved fruity berry baby or I'll quite possibly keel over and die. Whisk me away, dude.""SEE?!" You can't help but chuckle, and he finally seems to notice you were joking. "W-WAIT, WHAT KIND OF CONFESSION WAS THAT??""Hold on, I just thought of a way to decide whose fanclub I should join." You force yourself to keep your voice level so as to not reveal your fun little scheme. Everyone is staring at you expectantly. You hold your pause a moment longer for dramatic effect. "Alright, so: who has the biggest fanclub?""oh thats easy," Red chuckles very self-assuredly, but Black cuts him off before he can continue."IT'S MINE! MINE IS THE BIGGEST! I HAVE WAY MORE FANS THAN ANYONE HERE!""IN YOUR DREAMS!" Blue counters with a surprising amount of venom and confidence. "I HAVE THOUSANDS OF MORE FOLLOWERS THAN YOU!""AND NOT ALL OF THEM ARE IN YOUR PATHETIC FANCLUB," Black snaps. "PLUS, ANYONE IN MORE THAN ONE FANCLUB DOESN'T COUNT! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT MOST OF YOUR FANS ARE ALSO FANS OF MY BROTHER'S ALTERNATE!""HEY! THEY DO TOO COUNT!""THEY DO NOT!""DO TOO!!""sweetheart, not only do i have th’ most fans, but they're also th’ most satisfied." Red somehow got even closer to you while you weren't paying attention, snaking his arms around your waist. With a grin he rests his head on your chest and you feel his hands trying to slide dangerously lower. "why don't we go upstairs an' i'll show ya what i mean?""cool, can i join?" A bony chin rests on your shoulder and a second pair of arms wraps around your torso from behind. All you can smell from these two clowns is mustard, honey, cigarettes, and some kind of combination of body sprays you cannot pinpoint. You decide that all those threesome fanfics were wrong, and that this is actually a horrible combination of scents."fuck off ya creep," Red growls, tightening his hold on you possessively. Undeterred, Stretch does not budge an inch and starts swaying gently, as if trying to dance with you. You have absolutely no control as the two skeletons "subtly" try to pull you closer to them."c'mon red, we've got about the same number of followers. doesn't that mean we should share?" The taller skeleton chuckles, explicitly trying to get a rise out of the other one. You have a feeling were he being serious, there wouldn't be much "sharing" involved."are ya fuckin' serious? dontcha remember that competition we had?" Red chuckles back, a bit manically. He's no longer trying to snuggle against you, instead looking up at the skeleton resting on your shoulder. "way more fans came ta my aid than yers. face it: i'm way more fuckin' popular than yer ever gonna be.""competition? ohh, do you mean the one where it turned out some of your fans were using multiple accounts?" You can't see it, but you're sure Stretch's grin is shit-eating if Red's pissed off expression is anything to go by. "think things would be the same if we played again and your side didn't cheat?""shut the fuck up!!" Red's phalanges suddenly dig into your sides painfully. What, did he forget you were there?? Evidently so, because he's quick to let go of you and shove his hand into his hoodie pocket. "y' wanna fuckin' go?? i'll fuckin' show ya - fuckin' rematch, an' then when i win yer gonna admit it-- ""you're on." Stretch also lets you go and pulls out his phone, and the two of them start typing out something. Slowly, you back away so they don't have the chance to remember your existence again--Uh oh."WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" You practically leap away when your back collides with Edge's form. You hadn't been scared of him before, but now that the two of you are standing next to each other and he is impossibly tall and sharp, you can't help but feel a little bit anxious."I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE." Before you can say anything, he continues on his own, and you're left staring at him like a deer in headlights. "YOUR TRUE INTENTIONS ARE CLEAR TO ME, HUMAN! YOU TRICKED US INTO ARGUING ABOUT WHO HAS THE GREATEST FANCLUB TO DISTRACT US... AND THEN YOU USED THAT OPPORTUNITY TO GET CLOSE TO ME! YOU WERE JUST SO HEARTBROKEN AT MY REFUSAL TO ALLOW YOU TO JOIN MY FANCLUB THAT YOU CAME UP WITH THIS DEVIOUS SCHEME. ADMIT IT HUMAN: YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH ME!"And just like that, the fear is gone in an instant."What.""DON'T PLAY DUMB, I, THE TERRIBLE EDGE, HAVE SEEN THROUGH YOUR CLEVER RUSE! AND IT WAS VERY CLEVER INDEED... I'M ACTUALLY RATHER IMPRESSED! SO IMPRESSED THAT JUST THIS ONCE I WILL MAKE AN EXCEPTION. I WILL ALLOW YOU THE HONOUR... OF JOINING MY FANCLUB!!!"Wow. You absolutely already realized he was trying to win you over just like everyone else, but for him to actually offer you a spot in his exclusive fanclub? You're touched... or, you would be if you weren't in the center of the biggest ecto-dong measuring contest you've ever seen. All this for just ONE person? Are the skeletons really that competitive, or are they somehow secretly lonely?? Does it have to do with Sans, who clearly isn’t into this popularity contest nonsense, so they think you being associated with him instead of any of them is permission to make a game out of who can win you over?"Thanks Edge - I'm flattered - but I meant it earlier when I said I didn't want to join your fanclub.""EXCELLENT, YOUR INITIATION WILL BE... WAIT, WHAT???" Once again, he looks absolutely dumbstruck that you'd turn him down - especially when he actually offered this time! In any other situation, you'd probably be genuinely honoured by the offer (or at least turn it into a joke), but honestly? You're getting sick of being fought over with no actual regard to your feelings about all this. The bit is no longer funny. You've been felt up more times today than you realized you were actually comfortable with, and most of the skeletons here have been trying to force you to admit which of them is your favourite. And yeah, you had your opinions, but based on what you've been experiencing for the last, what, twenty minutes? The answer is: none of them, they all suck ass. Well. Not all of them."Hey Mutt, what's your fanclub like?" You leave Edge an angry sputtering mess and turn to address the one skeleton that hasn't said or done anything yet (except dab and create magic fireworks??). The taller Swapfell bro has just been standing in the middle of the room, watching the chaos unfold without getting himself involved-- wait, he's got a drink in his hand? Did he have that when he came in, or did he raid the fridge at some point?? When he catches you staring with a baffled expression, he gives you an amused, wicked grin, reading you like an open book."MY BROTHER HAS PLENTY OF FANS." Black suddenly cuts into your conversation, putting his ongoing argument with a disgruntled Blue on hold. "BUT! NOT AS MANY AS ME!!! MWEH HEH HEH!"You're pleasantly surprised that Black referred to Mutt as "his brother" instead of something derogatory. Regardless, you look back at Mutt anyways, and Black looks offended that you've chosen to ask for confirmation. "Is that true?"The taller skeleton stares at you for a moment, as if trying to deduce your true intentions. A bit of a smirk returns to his face when he responds."milord said it was, didn't he?" You have a feeling something about the use of "milord" was deliberate, but you don't really have time to contemplate their relationship dynamics because Mutt continues speaking, switching the topic completely."if you're looking for the biggest fanclub, shouldn't you be looking at this timeline's papyrus?" He tilts his head in Papyrus' direction, who looks caught off-guard to actually get dragged into the conversation. You didn't realize it while you were pulled in every direction by the others' competitiveness, but he's just been watching silently with a disheartened expression as everyone argues. "he has more followers on all his accounts than anyone here - hell, more than anyone related to our alternates or the rest of that 'game'. except for maybe that dog...""W-WELL, YES, I SUPPOSE IT WOULD BE REASONABLE TO ASSUME I HAVE THE MOST FANS..." Papyrus actually looks a bit awkward to be admitting this, but he brightens up pretty quickly. "BUT! LIKE BLACK SAID, NOT EVERYONE WHO FOLLOWS ME IS MY FAN. AND JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS MY FAN, IT DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE PART OF MY FANCLUB! BEING POPULAR HAS A LOT OF COMPLEXITIES TO IT!!!" He pauses, thinking for a moment. "HMM... I SUPPOSE IF YOU WERE LOOKING FOR BIGGEST FANCLUB... THERE'S ALWAYS MY BROTHER? EVEN THOUGH HE NEVER POSTS ANYTHING ANYMORE OR INTERACTS WITH ANYONE, HE ALMOST HAS AS MANY FOLLOWERS AS ME! THEREFORE, HIS FANS MUST BE VERY DEDICATED!!! ALTHOUGH, WITHOUT HIM TO ORGANIZE THEM, IT'S HARD TO SAY HOW BIG HIS FANCLUB ACTUALLY IS..."It's really no surprise that "canon" Sans and Papyrus would have the most fans. Sans was already the favourite before monsters turned out to be real, and Papyrus is just such a sweetheart that he probably garners hundreds of new fans every day just for being himself. You look over at Sans for the first time in awhile and notice at some point he finally got off the floor and returned to slouching on the loveseat. His tired gaze meets yours for a brief moment, then he slides back out of the chair and starts to make his way out of the room. Clearly, he doesn't like all this talk about popularity and fanclubs - especially in relation to himself. You're not sure if you're meant to follow him or not, but instead you decide to have a bit of fun."Wow, Sans is that popular?" you question in a very exaggerated tone, as if you didn't already know. Sans does not stop or look back at you - which means he doesn't see the shit-eating grin on your face. "Well, if his fans need someone to lead and organize them... maybe I should join his fanclub after all!"The reaction is immediate: in a spectacular display of clumsiness you never thought you'd see from him, Sans suddenly trips over the edge of the carpet mere steps before he’d be successful in escaping the room. He faceplants on the floor HARD, with a resounding thud that is loud enough to grab the attention of everyone in the room. You expect him to groan or grumble about how awful you are, but there is nothing. No sound, no movement - he is just lying motionless on the floor.Oh shit you just killed Sans Undertale."YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS, RIGHT?" Black asks, giving you the most unimpressed tone you've ever heard from anybody. Beside him, Blue looks distraught."Y-YEAH, YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO JOIN HIS FANCLUB, RIGHT...?" Wow, is nobody going to comment on the dead skeleton on the floor? You just fucking murdered a man and nobody cares. How are you supposed to make your "Sans Undertale (Genocide Run)" joke like this??"Of course I was joking," you reply, and the atmosphere immediately lightens up. Good lord, these guys... "PHEW!" Blue breathes a sigh of relief, and then notices Red and Stretch have returned to their phones. "HEY! WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?""kickin' ashtray's ass," Red replies with a devilish grin. Stretch on the other hand looks perfectly smug."not anymore - just got 78 notifications in the last minute. how many did you get?""what?? yer fuckin' lying!" Red goes to grab Stretch's phone, but the taller skeleton shows him the screen voluntarily. "motherfucker! tch, laugh while ya can, cuz yer fuckin' lead ain't gonna last!""OH, ARE YOU TWO HAVING A COMPETITION OVER WHO HAS THE MOST FANS?" Blue takes out his phone. "CAN I JOIN???""YOU'LL ALL BE CRUSHED UNDER MY HEEL!" Black announces, already typing feverishly on his own phone. Edge scoffs, but has taken out his cellular device as well."IDIOTS, WHAT'S THE POINT IN HAVING MORE FANS IF YOU CAN'T BE ASSURED OF THEIR CONSTANT LOYALTY? YOUR NUMBERS MAY BE HERE TODAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW?? WITHOUT PROPER TRAINING AND DISCIPLINE, THEY WILL GROW UNCOUTH AND TRAITOROUS!""the point is, boss," Red growls, "i need ta fuckin' win."As the competition and the arguing continues to grow, you let out a sigh and collapse on the empty couch. You close your eyes and count to ten in your head.This is not how you expected your day to go.When monsters emerged from the Underground and proved themselves to be real, never in your life did you think you'd one day end up in this position: sitting alone on a couch while skeletons around you argued about who amongst them was more popular. No one has even noticed the Mettaton musical has started! As you're winding down by letting yourself get lost in the dramatic opening number, the fabric on the back of the couch suddenly shifts, causing you to jump."so you've figured out what's going on here, right?" When you turn to look back, you see Mutt leaning over the back of the couch with a... dog treat between his phalanges??? Like, one of those clearly-a-replacement-for-weed dog treats??? Those are real????????? You stare as he smokes from it, purple smoke wafting into the air as the magical ashes from the treat dissipate before they fall onto the couch. Then you remember you were asked a question."Uh, that this is the worst harem fic ever?" Mutt chuckles and holds out the dog treat to you. "Nah, I think I'm good." He shrugs and takes another puff."when we first ended up in this timeline and found out we were basically celebrities... well, i guess it was like a dream come true for a lot of us." A pause to take another drag. "milord... my bro was ecstatic. he was finally getting the respect and admiration he deserved. each day there'd be more and more people - y’know, even the negative ones are still people providing attention. you're always going up and up... makes you wonder if you'll ever come back down."You're not sure if it's the magic weed talking or if Mutt is intentionally being a bit cryptic - not that you needed things spelled out for you anyways. "How about you? Do you enjoy having so many fans?"His gaze lazily slides over to you and he just looks at you - really looks at you. You wonder if he can see your SOUL like this, and what it would possibly look like to him or any of the other skeletons."...oh yeah, there's a lot of... interesting people out there." He gives you a grin, but you can't help but notice there's something... empty about it."HUMAN, I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE." Before you can press Mutt for further emotional conversation, Papyrus sits down on the couch beside you. Mutt hangs from the back of the couch in the space between you two, quietly smoking his dog treat. "IT PAINS ME TO ADMIT THIS, BUT I FULLY ACKNOWLEDGE WE... HAVE NOT BEEN THE BEST HOSTS."Yikes, a sad Papyrus is the last thing you want to see today! "Oh dude, no it's totally okay--""IT'S OKAY, YOU DON'T NEED TO LIE. THIS... IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED." Papyrus sighs deeply. "AT OUR PREVIOUS HOME, MANY OF US USED TO INVITE OUR FANS OVER TO HANG OUT ALL THE TIME! BUT IT WOULD ALWAYS LEAD TO FIGHTING AND JEALOUSY, AMONG... OTHER THINGS. SO MY BROTHER BANNED US FROM INVITING FANS OVER - AND THEN FROM INVITING ANYONE OVER, WHEN CERTAIN SKELETONS TRIED TO BEND THE RULES AND INTRODUCE PEOPLE AS 'JUST FRIENDS'." His expression morphs to looking rather unimpressed at the memory, and you have to refrain from chuckling. "ANYWAYS, WE EVENTUALLY HAD TO MOVE AWAY FROM THE CITY TO KEEP FANS FROM SHOWING UP AT OUR HOUSE ALL THE TIME! I LOVE AND APPRECIATE ALL OUR FANS - I REALLY DO! - BUT IT'S JUST... SOMETIMES BEING POPULAR IS VERY DIFFICULT! THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE THAT JUST DON'T LISTEN TO YOU, AND SOMETIMES THE ATTENTION MAKES YOU... SAY AND DO THINGS THAT AREN'T WHO YOU ARE AT ALL.""Papyrus...?" Is he referring to the others, or does he have regrets about his own behaviour? He's been nothing but good and normal to you, so you really can't imagine him descending to the same levels of vanity and desperation the others have. You don't want to pry though, and he soon clears his non-existent throat and puts on one of his trademark bright smiles."A-ANYWAYS! DESPITE HOW HORRIBLE WE'VE BEEN TO YOU, I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU TO AT LEAST KEEP BEING MY BROTHER'S FRIEND (OR WHATEVER YOU ARE TO HIM)! WE ALL HAVE MADE TRUE FRIENDS OUT OF OUR ADMIRERS, BUT SANS STOPPED TRYING TO INTERACT WITH THEM SHORTLY AFTER WE ARRIVED ON THE SURFACE. I MEAN, I DON'T FAULT HIM FOR IT, BECAUSE SOME OF THEM ARE KIND OF... UM..." His bone brow furrows and he actually looks a bit sheepish. "W-WELL, YOU SEEM TO BE VERY DIFFERENT, AND I THINK SANS REALLY APPRECIATES THAT!!!""Aw, of course I'll keep being his friend," you reply in earnest without even needing to think about it. Friends, huh? Is that what you've settled on calling it now?? "And y'know what? I'd still love to be your friend too - and even everyone else's, if they can forgive me.""FORGIVE YOU? BUT YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING! WE SHOULD BE THE ONES ASKING FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS!"You shake your head, unable to stop yourself from smiling somewhat deviously. "Actually, there is one super awful thing I did today. I uh, lied about not being in anyone's fanclub. I just wanted you guys to think I wasn't to see you argue - which may have been the biggest mistake of my life? That was super uncool of me to make you guys fight like that. But, uh, there is one I'm in.""WHAT?!" "what??" Geez, do these skeletons have a sixth sense for the word "fan" or something?! Instantly, the five skeletons standing in the middle of the room with their phones out all turn to you, equal amounts of shocked and hopeful. Mutt pauses as he's about to take another drag and shifts his gaze down to look at you. Even Papyrus looks curious!Sans is still lying on the floor, completely unresponsive."WELL?" Edge asks impatiently. "WHOSE IS IT??""OBVIOUSLY IT'S MINE!" Black claims, and Blue is quick to snap back at him."NO WAY, IT'S PROBABLY MINE!!! ...R-RIGHT??""Actually it's Napstablook's!" you finally admit with a big dorky smile, taking out your phone to show off the ghost-shaped charm hanging from your Napstablook phone case. You also gesture to your Blook-branded shirt for good measure, which has somehow gone completely unnoticed and unmentioned up until now. Seriously, how did nobody notice?! It's not like it was subtle!...There is just silence . Every pair of eyelights stare at you, visibly strained or outright confused, as if they didn't comprehend your final answer. The first to finally react is Mutt, who just starts laughing as he slowly slides off the back of the couch until he is out of sight. Red, Stretch, and Edge get this annoyed look on their faces and retreat to different seats around the room. Black looks similarly annoyed for a moment, but his expression softens up quickly."WELL... EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE NOT THE NAPSTATON FROM OUR WORLD, I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE GOOD TASTE." Black sits down on the couch next to you, not making any move to get close or snuggle. You're surprised when Blue sits next to him without complaint, his own disappointment already fading away as well."I AGREE! IF YOU WERE TO BE IN A FANCLUB THAT WASN'T ANY OF OURS... THEN YOU'VE CHOSEN THE NEXT BEST PERSON!""Uh, duh? Blook's got spooktunes - do skeletons have spooktunes?” You pause for dramatic effect, grinning. “I didn't think so!""PAH!" Edge scoffs as he takes a seat in the same loveseat he occupied earlier. Notably, Red takes the seat Sans was once in while Stretch sits on the couch on the other side of Papyrus. "IF YOU HAD ANY REAL TASTE, YOU WOULD HAVE JOINED METTATON'S FANCLUB INSTEAD!""WHILE I DO PREFER METTATON AS WELL," Papyrus says from beside you, "I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD LIKE NAPSTABLOOK MORE! HIS JAMS ARE VERY GOOD, AND WHO WOULDN'T SMOOCH A GHOST???""Hell yeah, you get me!" You laugh as the atmosphere noticeably lightens. Wow, you can't believe that's all it took for everyone to stop trying to seduce you. The mood is suddenly normal as shit, and throughout the musical you have the Berry Bros telling you about their world's Napstaton, all the while Edge yells at them to stop talking over the movie. No one is trying to impress you; no one is trying to cuddle with you. It's just a totally normal hangout with some dudes who happen to be celebrities and also skeletons.Now that everyone has stopped trying to fight for your affections, the rest of the hangout proceeds much smoother than you would have expected from these guys. Red and Stretch stop trying to flirt with you and good-naturedly share a drink with each other. Blue is no longer clingy, instead sticking with innocent enthusiasm when you exchange numbers. Edge stops pretending you are OBSESSED WITH HIM and even starts joking around and teasing you whenever you say something extraordinarily dumb (as you are wanton to do). Similarly, Black doesn't mention you being one of his fans again, though he does start bragging (with a tint of colour to his skull) when he gets a spontaneous heartfelt message from a fan at one point. Mutt finally joins you all on the couch ("PAPY-- I MEAN!! MUTT, GET OFF OF ME!!!") and fires off more jokes throughout the night than you expected from a guy like him. Papyrus is still a perfect sweetheart in every way - and dinner doesn't end up being the disaster you expected, leaving you to silently thank whatever fan (or not-fan) taught Papyrus and Blue how to cook. You vow to get back at Sans for making you worry in the first place. Speaking of Sans...Sans remains dead on the floor.It's only when it's time for you to go home that you realize Sans had actually just fallen asleep at some point. All it takes is the first two notes of Megalovania for him to jolt upright in a cold sweat.Your phone is promptly chucked across the room, never to be seen again.(Sans somehow slips it in your pocket without you noticing when he drops you off back at your home. The lock screen has been changed to a shaky picture of you, Blue, Papyrus, and Mutt dabbing at each other.)(You decide not to change it.)