Work Text
It happens in Dean's room one afternoon after school.Cas is sat on Dean's desk chair and Dean's perched upon his bed, gently strumming a random song on his guitar draped across his lap, singing along softly. It's so peaceful and Cas is leaning back in the chair with his eyes closed, revelling in the calm and quiet atmosphere and allowing his brain to just stop for a while. He loves this, being with Dean because it's always so perfect and he doesn't have to think. Dean makes it all go away for a while.He doesn't know the name of the song Dean's playing but he doesn't care. That's not what's important. He just lets himself relax because he needs to relax, needs to spend this time with Dean because, if he was alone right now, he doesn't know what he'd end up doing. He doesn't want to think about what he'd end up doing.He's so completely zoned out and de-stressed that it takes him a few seconds to realise that Dean has stopped playing. He opens his eyes at the newfound silence, gaze drifting over to Dean. Dean's face is pale and he's staring wide-eyed at something. When Cas searches to see what it is that Dean is staring at, he realises - Dean's staring at his wrist. More specifically, at where Cas's sleeve has ridden up slightly to expose his cut and scar covered wrist.Cas sits up straight and freezes completely under Dean's gaze. He wants to leave but he can't move. Dean was never supposed to find out about those scars, especially not like this. Maybe one day Cas would have opened up to Dean about everything but that would have been his decision, his choice. But now... now Dean knows and Cas didn't tell him and he's going to hate him and-"Cas," Dean chokes out, discarding his guitar to the side and leaning closer.Dean's movement seems to spark something in Cas and he stands up, stepping away. His mouth opens and closes and he wants to say something, to explain himself but he can't and he hates it and he has to go. He has to leave before this gets any worse, before Dean starts yelling and telling Cas how much of a failure he is and how much Dean hates him because that will be what breaks him, what finally makes him snap.Before Dean can say anything more, Cas is grabbing his schoolbag and scrambling out of the house, running as fast as possible to his own home. His eyes are burning, heart aching, but he refuses to let it take over, not yet. He has to get home, away from everyone and everything.It isn't until he's shut himself in his bedroom that he lets himself shatter. He drops his schoolbag next to the door and curls up in the corner, attempting to make himself as small as he possibly can to completely close himself in. He's almost ashamed to admit that on some days, he can spend hours in this position, trying to remember how to breathe and to focus on something important - namely, Dean Winchester.His arms are burning, screaming at him to find release but he's desperate not to. He promised himself no more, promised Dean no more even if Dean never knew. He's been clean for a week, the longest he's ever been clean since he first carved into his own skin and he wants to keep it that way, wants to go for longer to prove to himself that he doesn't need a blade to make himself feel better; he can find better, safer ways.But his better, safer way was Dean and now he doesn't have Dean and it's all going wrong. Why is it that when Cas wants to fix himself, wants to actually get better, that everything goes to shit? He hates it and now it's getting harder to ignore the burning and itching in his arms but he won't cut. He won't, he won't, he won't.Tears of frustration burn at his eyes and he lets them fall with a small sob, focusing all of his efforts on not cutting. Parts of his head are taunting him, asking him what's the point if you don't have Dean? You stopped cutting for Dean - why keep trying if he's gone?Because part of Cas stopped cutting for himself. Because he wants to be happy. Dean showed him that there is good in the world, that there are reasons to be happy and alive and Cas wants to find as many more reasons as he can. He wants to be happy. But with Dean gone, he doesn't think he can be.That night, he doesn't sleep. He doesn't cut either, but he's not as proud of that as he probably should be.***If there's one thing Cas really doesn't have the energy for the next morning, it's school. He's so close to just bunking off, feigning illness and staying home. But, he decides, he can't avoid school forever. Even if things between him and Dean suck, even if there's no going back, he can't just avoid him. But the thought of seeing Dean in the hallway and just knowing that he can't go up to him, that's what's destroying Cas, what's making him want to give up completely.You promised, he reminds himself. You promised Dean: no more. That's working for now, but he honestly doesn't think he's going to be able to ignore the temptations much longer.He powers through though, walks to school and makes it there quite early so he heads for his locker and opens it and just stands there, pretending to look busy to anybody walking past and leans inside it slightly because it's dark in there and it's calming him down, if only slightly. He shoves his bag inside and goes to check his phone but then he remembers - it died at some point when he was at Dean's yesterday and he refused to charge it once he got home because that way, if, for some reason, Dean does attempt to call him, such as to yell or argue or something, Cas has an excuse to have never gotten that message or call.He doesn't realise he's been standing there for so long when the first bell suddenly rings and he jumps so high he nearly bangs his head on the top of his locker. He breathes heavily, hands shaking slightly. He's panicking and he knows he needs to calm down but he doesn't know how.To make matters worse, there's suddenly someone tapping on his shoulder and he flinches away, wondering who the hell is bothering him and what they want because he is not-It's Dean.It's Dean and Cas cannot handle this right now because his heart is pounding and his head is spinning and why is Dean here? He's pretty sure Dean goes to talk. to say something, but Cas can't be here. He can't just wait around for everything to get worse, he won't be able to deal with it.So he grabs his bag and slams his locker shut and rushes away before Dean can get a word out. He feels almost guilty, but he knows that Dean can't have had anything good to say, would only want to make Cas feel worse about himself because he's a failure and a mess and he needs to get his head fixed because there's clearly something wrong with him.***It's Gym class and Cas is in the changing room, waiting for everyone else to finish changing and head for the gym so he can get ready. He's always late to Gym and it's gotten to the point that his teacher doesn't even question him any more. The teacher doesn't even question why he always wears a sweater despite the fact they're doing physical exercise and, surely, he must be too hot?When the last person leaves, Cas lets out a breath he didn't realise he was holding. He leans against the lockers, squeezing his eyes shut. Today has been horrible and it's not even lunch yet. He's so close to crumbling, to just breaking down and giving up and, honestly, he doesn't know where he's still getting the strength to hold on.He's crying, he notices, when he feels a dampness on his cheeks. Desperately, he rubs at his eyes, attempting to stop the tears because now is not the time for crying - he has to get to class.But he can't find the energy to move, doesn't want to move because why should he? Why should he go anywhere or do anything anymore? Here he is, struggling to stop himself from cutting so deep that it hurts, and for what? He has nothing left to live for."Cas?"Cas jerks, eyes snapping open to find Dean stood a few feet in front of him. His eyes remain wide as Dean slowly steps closer, dropping his bag on the bench and Cas is completely frozen, can't move and Dean keeps getting closer and he's terrified.When Dean stops in front of him, Cas squeezes his eyes shut again, dropping his head and bracing himself for shouting.But there's nothing.Nothing except the softness of Dean's hand beneath his jaw as he forces Cas's head back up. Cas is so completely confused, doesn't understand why Dean is acting like this when he should be freaking out. There's a moment of silence before Cas gives in, opening his eyes slowly to finally look at Dean properly.And boy, does Dean look horrible. Cas honestly means no offence by it, but Dean's eyes are bloodshot and there are faint bags beneath them, and his hair is a mess, not styled at all. By the looks of things, Dean didn't sleep last night either and that just confuses Cas further because Dean should hate him right now but the signals he's giving out say otherwise.Dean looks broken too, like actually heartbroken. As if instead of being angry at Cas or disappointed in him, he's actually worried or he actually cares. Cas doesn't want Dean to worry, but part of him is desperate for that to be true. He needs Dean, needs him to stay and if there's any chance of that, then he's praying for it."Why didn't you tell me?" Dean asks, and his voice is so low and gravelly which tells Cas that Dean definitely hasn't slept.Cas's throat is tight and he can't find his voice, can't find the words to explain and he hates himself for it because this is his chance to get Dean to stay and he's messing it up. He always messes everything up."You should've told me," Dean mumbles. He reaches down slowly for Cas's arms, lifting them slowly and cradling them like they're causing Cas pain, but the sensation is warm and loving and Cas wants more of it, so he doesn't pull his arms away. "I could've helped you.""You did help me," Cas argues, no idea where he got his voice from. Dean raises an eyebrow, eyes glistening with an emotion that Cas can't really identify. "You didn't know it, but you got me through this. I stopped because of you. I'm clean because of you. Without you, I don't know if I'd still be here."Dean lets out a pained sound, immediately pulling Cas into his arms and into the tightest embrace he can manage. Cas still doesn't understand, he doesn't understand any of this but he's just going to go with this because after the night he had, he needs this hug, needs Dean to hold him.He sniffles, hands clutching the back of Dean's sweater as he tries not to cry into Dean's shoulder. He's got to remain calm, in case this takes a sudden bad turn so he's prepared to handle it. He doesn't need to look any weaker than he already is, doesn't want Dean to pity him or laugh at him.Dean pulls away after a minute and Cas reluctantly leans back, craving Dean's hold still but he has to let Dean take this at his own pace, he doesn't want to scare him off. "Let me see them," Dean says. It's not a request, more of a demand but his soft voice means that Cas doesn't feel pressured, doesn't feel like he's being forced into showing Dean at all so he feels no reluctance. But he doesn't move either, can't figure out how to make his hands move to pull up his sleeves. Dean seems to understand though, and moves his own hands to the hem of Cas's sweater as if to pull it up and off, which Cas isn't uncomfortable with exactly, but he doesn't know if he wants to. There's a reassuring glint in Dean's eyes though, and he nods, raising his arms so Dean pulls it off and over his head and drops it to the side.Cas's arms are littered with fading cuts and scars, so much so that there's barely and clear skin visible. There are also a few fading cuts just above his hipbones, from where he'd attempted to find somewhere else he could do it that was easier to hide. But it was too awkward to cut there and the cuts just weren't as painful as he had wanted them to be, so he only ever did it there on one occasion.Dean inhales sharply, turning away and pinching the bridge of his nose. Cas goes to move closer, but then he realises - Dean is almost crying. Dean is about to cry and it's just confusing him even more. He doesn't understand why Dean doesn't hate him, why he's crying as if this is affecting him too, because he's supposed to be so pissed at Cas and it just doesn't make sense."You should've fucking told me!" Dean yells suddenly, turning back towards Cas. Cas flinches at his raised voice, lowering his gaze ashamedly."I wanted to," he admits weakly, but it does nothing to douse the anger burning in Dean's eyes. "I wanted to tell you. But I was scared, Dean. I thought you'd hate me, I thought you'd leave me and I couldn't lose you."Dean's eyes fill with sadness and guilt immediately. "I could never hate you," he promises, stepping closer and lifting Cas's arms again, inspecting his arms with his eyes, refusing to touch the cuts. "The only person I hate right now is myself for not noticing that you were doing this to yourself." He takes a shuddering breath, lifting his eyes to meet Cas's. "Why?" he asks. It's a simple question, but it holds so many answers.Cas immediately removes his eyes from Dean's gaze but doesn't pull his arms away. "I wanted to make it stop," he whispers, swallowing thickly. Dean is silent, listening intently and Cas is grateful that he isn't interrupting him because it's hard enough to explain himself as it is without becoming too scared that Dean is becoming fed up. "There were these... voices, and they just- they wouldn't stop. They kept telling me how useless I was, how pathetic I was and I couldn't handle it. I could never focus on anything else. I could barely even sleep, Dean. I just wanted it to stop."He's crying and again and when he realises that, he wipes madly at his eyes, desperate to stop the tears but Dean is immediately pulling Cas back into his arms and holding him tightly, letting Cas cry into his shoulder. Cas wills himself to calm down because he still had to explain things. After a moment, he pulls away again and realises that Dean's eyes are glistening with tears of his own."How long?" Dean asks, sounding scared of the answer."A little over a year," Cas mumbles and Dean makes that pained sound again, squeezing his eyes shut. "I used it to cope, I thought I needed to do it to cope." Dean opens his eyes again slowly, waiting for Cas to continue. "For months, I'd lock myself in the bathroom for hours and I'd cut and I'd just watch as the blood dripped down my arm." Dean's brows are furrowing, as if he's in pain, as if it's physically hurting him to listen to what Cas is saying. Cas almost feels guilty, wants to stop talking but he has to explain - Dean deserves an explanation for why he almost fucked up their friendship. "But something changed. I don't really know what it was, but I know it was because of you. You just... you reminded me of what happiness was, and you made me want it back. You made the voices go away, Dean - you were the only other thing to make the voices go away. You made me want to stop." Dean doesn't look any less upset, but his eyes are no longer brimming with tears, which Cas takes as a win."You said you're clean," Dean says, biting his lip. Cas nods slowly. "How long have you been clean for?"Cas lowers his head just slightly. "Eight days," he whispers, almost shyly. "I know that doesn't seem like much, but it's the longest I've ever gone." He peeks up at Dean, not entirely sure what he's expecting to see but Dean is just staring patiently so Cas can keep going. "I've tried to stop a couple of times but I couldn't. But, eight days ago... I cut deep, Dean. It was an accident, I didn't mean anything by it, but it freaked me out. I was terrified, so scared I was going to die or something. I managed to stop the bleeding, and I was seconds away from breaking down completely when you called me and begged me to come over to yours and stay the night. It might seem so simple to you, but to me, it was like you saved me. You took me away from myself, you cheered me up and I realised that, with you, I could stop. So that day, I promised you - even though you didn't know it - that I would do everything I could to not do it. If it got too much, I'd find you and I'd sit with you until the temptation went away because, with you, it always goes away."He feels lighter, somehow, now that he's told Dean everything. Now that it's all out in the open, he's no longer hiding anything, no longer scared that Dean's going to find out something that Cas hasn't told him. Dean is still silent though, just staring at Cas's arms with an expression that Cas can't quite identify. Cas suddenly feels exposed because Dean hasn't reacted to his confessions and maybe Dean is disappointed with him or ashamed with him after all, maybe Cas was right all along. He pulls his arms away from Dean suddenly, desperate to hide his shame and reaches down to swiftly pull his sweater over his head.He pulls his sleeves over his hands as Dean takes a step backwards, sitting on the bench. Cas's breath hitches in his throat as he tries to understand Dean's reaction but his mind is racing and he's slowly becoming increasingly more convinced that Dean is going to suddenly leave and just never come back.Dean rests his head in his hands, fingers tangling in his hair and Cas can tell he's frustrated, but he just doesn't know at what. "Dean?" he whispers, taking a tentative step closer.Dean sniffles and Cas realises - he's crying. He stops in front of him, confused and surprised, as Dean runs a hand over his face. When they lock eyes again, Cas can see that Dean is absolutely broken and he can't help but feel regret that he said everything. Maybe he should have just kept it all to himself, saved Dean all of this pain."Please don't do it again," Dean begs, choking back a sob and Cas lunges forward, wrapping his arms around Dean's neck and nuzzling his nose beneath Dean's jaw. He hopes it's as comforting for Dean as it is for him because he hates seeing Dean cry and he wants to make it better, wants to make Dean happy. He wonders if Dean feels like this towards him. Dean pulls away again, staring at Cas so intensely that it makes Cas even more nervous. "Promise me you won't do it again."Cas hesitates, eyes widening. It's horrible and unfair but he can't promise Dean that. "I can't," he whispers.Dean furrows his eyebrows, looking hurt and confused and it just makes Cas's guilt skyrocket. "You've done it before, though."Cas clenches his hands into fists to keep himself calm. "I know," he begins, trying to figure out how he can explain this without making it seem like it's Dean's fault, "But, I just- you didn't know then. If I messed up, I'd let you down but you wouldn't know. Now, you do know, and if I mess up then you'll know and I'll let you down and I just can't promise that I won't do it. I can't, Dean-""Okay," Dean interrupts reassuringly, lifting his hands to the side of Cas's arms. "That's okay, Cas, I understand. Just promise me you'll try.""I will," Cas assures immediately, nodding quickly. He's going to try so damn hard, even harder now that Dean knows because he can't afford to mess this up. He's been given a chance he could only have ever dreamed for and he has to do everything he can to make sure he doesn't ruin everything like he always does. "Dean, I promise. I'll try so damn hard, I promise you."Despite everything, Dean manages to let out a small huff of laughter, accompanied by his hands finding Cas's. Stroking his thumbs across Cas's knuckles, Dean lets his smile drop into something a little more serious, causing Cas's shoulders to slump. "And I'll be here, Cas, okay? For anything. You don't gotta go through this alone, not any more." Dean's hands tighten around Cas's. "I know I messed up."Cas's eyes fly wide open. "What? You didn't 'mess up'-""I did. I should've noticed what you were going through, what you were doing to yourself," Dean tries to explain and Cas doesn't understand, not really, but he knows he won't be able to convince Dean otherwise so he just listens. "I let you down. Hell, I let us both down. But I'm not gonna make the same mistake again, alright? I don't care what it is, or what time it is - I will be here for you, Cas, no matter what. I promise."Cas just nods. He doesn't believe that Dean is at all to blame for any of this - it's Cas's body and it was Cas's choice (even though it doesn't feel like he has much of a choice any more) and it wasn't up to Dean to figure it out and stop it, not with the amount of effort Cas put into hiding all of this. But it's nice to hear Dean say all of those things nonetheless, even if a part of Cas is still convinced that Dean will just up and leave whenever he decides that Cas is too much effort and he isn't worth it.Dean drops one of Cas's hands and stands so they're both level, forcing himself to smile for both of their benefits. "You're so damn important to me - you know that, right? I don't know how I'd cope without you." Dean talks in a whisper, like this information is a secret for just the two of them.Tears well in Cas's eyes and he blinks rapidly to try and force them away. He doesn't know what to say to that; he knows that, deep down, but he finds it hard to believe, that somebody as wonderful and amazing as Dean Winchester cares enough about Cas to stick by him after finding out all of this.Cas can't find the words so he acts instead, steps forward and wraps his arms around Dean's neck as tightly as he can and clings to him with all of the strength he has. Dean's arms curl around his waist to pull him impossibly close and Dean's nose nuzzles just above Cas's ear."I got you, Cas," Dean promises. "I got you for life, okay? You're not alone."For the first time ever, Cas doesn't doubt that.