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someone’s knocking on the door again. he can hear it, faintly, from where he’s curled up in bed. whoever keeps coming over, whoever keeps knocking on his door, they’re lucky his parents aren’t home. haven’t been home for a few days and won’t be back for a few more. it’s probably jaemin, he thinks. or renjun or jeno or mark. they’re the only ones that know his parents are away. no one else he knows cares enough to come looking for him either. well, the little ones do, but they’re still in high school, still live with their parents, and aren’t able to come visit the main city where the rest of them live to be closer to university. the knocking gets louder and he thinks about getting up to answer the door, briefly, and then dismisses the thought. he barely has enough energy to roll himself over, much less get his body out of bed. but it’s been three days, a voice whispers, it’s been three days and they haven’t heard from you once. that’s not very nice, donghyuck. he doesn’t like how the voice seems to spit out his name like it’s something disgusting, but it’s been doing that for years now. he’s used to it. right now, though, he wishes it would be nicer. he’s already feeling – sad? angry? tired? tired. he’s tired. get up! the voice screeches at him. it’s the loudest the voice in his head has been since he couldn’t get out of bed three days ago. what a terrible friend you are, donghyuck. can’t even tell your friends you’re fine? you just disappear out of nowhere and won’t answer your door? your phone? you’re making them worry, donghyuck. what a terrible burden you are. the knocking stops. donghyuck is grateful. maybe his voice will leave him alone for a few hours. he hasn’t eaten in awhile, he remembers, and hopes the voice leaves him alone long enough for him to eat something. the knocking starts up again, and he gives up the small hope of finally being able to eat something. he wouldn’t be able to, now, anyways. his stomach twist with guilt, and he feels sick. the voice is back. answer the door, donghyuck. it isn’t nice to keep people waiting and they’ve been waiting for three days. he turns his head to the side. his bedroom door is ajar, as he didn’t even have the energy to close it before he collapsed on his bed. he should probably answer the door. the voice is right, after all. it isn’t nice to keep your friends waiting. but he can’t move. he wants to, of course he does. he’s still wearing clothes from dance practice three days ago and he’s hungry and smells bad and has to pee. but he can’t. he doesn’t know why. it’s not like it’s hard to get out of bed. you just – you just get out of bed. it’s just something you do, and it’s easy. it’s so easy. so why can’t he get out of bed? he doesn’t know. the voice doesn’t offer its opinion. good. donghyuck isn’t a fan of the voice’s opinion anyways. he hasn’t heard any knocking for a few minutes now, but that’s okay. has it been a few minutes? he doesn’t know. he does that sometimes; space out, sometimes for hours. he doesn’t mean to. there are footsteps coming up the stairs, and he wants to sigh. he doesn’t, because even doing that sounds exhausting, but he wants to. it’s the thought that counts. wait. footsteps? oh. renjun must’ve finally gotten sick of knocking and brought out his 'emergency keys'. he has keys to a lot of places he shouldn’t, like donghyuck’s house, for example, or the university’s science lab. no one ever asks him how he got the keys, even though everyone wants to know. maybe renjun will tell him. or maybe, the voice whispers, and donghyuck really wishes it would just go away. preferably forever. someone’s finally broken in. maybe they’ll kill you, stick a knife through your heart. you deserve it, you know, for making your friends worry. a voice calls out before his voice can go on, a quiet little, “donghyuck?” it’s renjun. sad, the voice says with fake pity, i was betting on murderer, come to put you out of your misery. “donghyuck? are you home?” another voice asks. jaemin this time, and jeno right after, repeating what the other two said. he should probably answer. yeah. that’s the right thing to do when your friends are calling for you, right? but he’s tired. so, so tired. maybe he’ll take a nap instead. and never wake up , his voice adds. he really wishes the voice, his voice, would shut up. he doesn’t have the energy to tell it to, though. maybe later. “hyuck?” mark’s voice calls from the bottom of the staircase, but donghyuck’s already drifting off to sleep. “duckie? maybe he’s asleep?” “maybe.” the footsteps make their way upstairs, and it’s all donghyuck can do to keep his eyes open. it’s not nice to fall asleep when your friends are calling, right? but he wants to. the time between his blinks seems like forever, but then a hand pushes his bedroom door open. four shadows stand in the doorway. his friends.
are you sure? you’ve been awfully mean to them the past few days, ignoring them like that.
in donghyuck’s head, he gets up and greets his friends, apologizing for disappearing for three days. in real life, he breathes a little deeper than normal, but can’t make himself speak. his body isn’t responding. hasn’t been responding for the past few days. days? he should probably be hungry then. funny. he isn’t. “hyuck?” jeno calls out gently. he steps a little further into his room than the other three. he probably doesn’t mean to, but donghyuck is pretty sure that between blinks he sees jeno’s nose scrunch, like he’s smelt something bad. that would be you, the voice helpfully points out. you’re disgusting, remember? no one with any self respect would let themselves go for three days after dance practice without a shower. donghyuck wants to tell the voice to shove it. he also wants to say hi to his friends. in the end, he can’t do either. jeno slowly walks further into the room. renjun follows after a second more of staring. they have to be careful though. donghyuck’s been a bit tired lately, so he hasn’t been able to clean up. his floor’s a bit dirty. “duckie?” mark whispers from the doorway. he’s having a bit of trouble focusing on anything for more than a few seconds, so it takes him a few tries to see his friends’ faces. they look confused. why do they look confused? it’s just his room. just him, on his bed, in his room. oh, right. they haven’t ever seen him like this before. only his mum has, because she lives here, too, and is very observant. she wanted to get donghyuck some help, take him to see someone. he had said no. why would he go talk to some doctor person if he was perfectly fine? sometimes, he just. needs a break. he would appreciate it if his brain would give him nicer breaks from life, though. he doesn’t really like feeling this way. it’s exhausting. renjun kneels next to his bed, right by his head. he goes to smile at him, but closes his eyes instead. he’s tired. someone lets out a sigh – jaemin, maybe? – donghyuck’s eyes are closed, he doesn’t know. a hand runs through his hair. it feels nice, kind of, but he wants to tell whoever it is that they probably shouldn’t do that. his whole body feels gross, so no one should really be touching him. especially not his hair. he doesn’t say anything. “hyuck?” jeno asks gently from above him. he opens his eyes, slowly, to look in what he hopes is jeno’s general direction. “when was the last time you showered? ate?” he stares at the blurry figure in front of him for a few seconds before closing his eyes. he thinks he shrugs, but probably not. “you’re still wearing your clothes from practice on friday, hyuck. and – no offence, but they don’t really smell like you washed them.” jaemin sounds close, like he’s standing above him, next to jeno.
that’s because you didn’t. see? i was right; they do think you’re disgusting.
donghyuck manages to turn his head a little bit into his pillow. he thinks if he wasn’t so tired, he’d be proud; that was the most he’s moved in quite a bit. mark speaks up, and he sounds like he’s getting impatient. it makes him feel even more guilty, and his stomach churns like he’s about to throw up. there isn’t anything in him, though, so he won’t. “donghyuck. are you gonna answer us, or? you’ve been kind of ignoring us for, like, three days.” he already knows he can’t answer verbally, so he doesn’t bother to even think about trying. he thinks he raises a finger or two on the hand that’s next to his face. that’s something, right? “hyuck? can you look at me?” and he doesn’t think he’s ever, not ever in their five-year friendship, heard renjun speak so gently, so softly, before. it takes almost more effort than he’s willing to put in, but he gets his eyes open. he can’t turn his head though. renjun’s hand is next to his on the bed. it’s probably him, then, that’s running fingers through his greasy hair. why is he so tired? he doesn’t want to be tired anymore. three days of almost constant sleep shouldn’t leave him feeling so – exhausted. “that’s it, donghyuckie. thank you for opening your eyes,” renjun coos. it makes him feel, suddenly, as if he’s going to cry. renjun shifts and then his head is right there, where donghyuck can mostly see it. renjun makes eye contact, but it makes him feel uncomfortable, so he looks at renjun’s chest instead. “duckie?” renjun asks, and he breathes out a little more forcefully than usual, to show he’s listening. “do you want to shower?” and that’s exactly what he wants to do. he feels – he feels a lot of things, and a big part of that is filthy , and it would be so, so good to be clean again. he moves his head down, in a nodding gesture sort of thing. renjun smiles at him with sad eyes, but he doesn’t feel pitied. he feels like someone understands. “come on then, hyuck-ah. let’s get you cleaned up.” renjun fits his arms under his chest and pulls him up. with someone else lifting his body, donghyuck has just enough energy left to lift his arms and place them around renjun’s shoulders. jeno moves out of the way and jaemin moves forward, and together he and renjun help him to the bathroom across the hall. mark and jeno trail behind. “when was the last time you ate, love?” donghyuck feels renjun ask. it feels nice, renjun’s voice rumbling in his chest. he looks down at himself, his clothing in particular, and back up at renjun. he hopes he understands. renjun hums and places him down on the edge of the tub. jaemin stands next to him, pulls him in to lean against his side, so he doesn’t tip over. “jeno, mark, can you go make him something to eat? something small since he hasn’t had anything in a few days.” mark looks up in alarm at that. looks like he wants to say something, too, but doesn’t, in the end. “like – like, oatmeal?” jeno asks quietly. probably quietly. this seems like a speaking-quietly situation. he hasn’t heard anyone say anything in a while, though, so it sounds perfectly loud enough for him. “yeah. like oatmeal. don’t put anything in it though, yeah? just, a small spoonful of brown sugar, maybe, to give it flavour.” jeno nods and drags mark out of the bathroom. renjun and jaemin start undressing him then. he doesn’t really want to be touched, but at the same time, every time their fingers brush his skin, he wants to beg them to just – he doesn’t know. full-body lie on him, or something. maybe later. he does that thing where he spaces out, again, because he blinks and he’s in the bathtub. warm water runs down his body, and there are fingers massaging shampoo into his scalp. jaemin runs a soapy cloth across his chest, washes suds away with the detachable shower head part. he vaguely wonders how jaemin got that to work. he’s lived in this house two years, now, and has never been able to figure out how to get the detachable shower head to work. cool. he blinks again and he’s dressed in clean sweatpants and a hoodie. he feels clean and warm and – better. he feels better, even if it isn’t by very much. he’s on the bathroom floor, leaning on renjun’s shoulder. jaemin runs a hand through his hair. he feels himself drifting off to sleep. he can’t, though. jeno returns with mark and a tiny little bowl of oatmeal, and spoon feeds him until everything in the bowl is gone. mark scoots closer, then, and places a water bottle to his lips. he takes a few sips. “good job,” renjun praises him after he’s done. he doesn’t make a big deal of it. just, whispers it quietly in his ear and then moves on. donghyuck appreciates that. jeno helps him brush his teeth, while jaemin dries and brushes his hair. mark and renjun leave the bathroom to go do something. he doesn’t know what. they come back soon, and renjun and jeno support him on the walk back to his room. he – he doesn’t feel better better, but. he feels better. you know? he’s clean, and he’s had something to eat, and when they get back to his room, he sees what mark and renjun went off to do. his blinds are pulled back, window open to let the spring breeze in. it’s a warm, sunny day out, today. the mess on his floor is mostly gone, and his bedsheets have been changed. he feels so – so happy , then. happy and grateful and he loves his friends. he loves them so much. they joke around a lot, and sometimes they aren’t very nice to each other, but they care. they care about donghyuck, and donghyuck cares about them, and the voice in his head is drowned out by the sudden rush of positive emotions. maybe later, when he isn’t so tired, he’ll tell them. tell them just how much they really mean to him. call up the little ones, tell them he loves them. and his mom. he’ll call her when he doesn’t feel quite so tired, and he’ll say yes. yes, he wants help. thank you, mom, for supporting me, when so many others are told to suck it up. jaemin gets into bed behind him, curls around him, arm thrown over his waist. jeno climbs in behind jaemin, but a bit higher up, so he can run his fingers through donghyuck’s hair. mark sits by their feet, back against the wall. he puts a hand on donghyuck’s leg, rubs little circles there, as if to say i’m here. i’m here, and i love you, and you’ll be okay. renjun climbs into his bed last. he lies facing donghyuck, their heads on the same pillow. they stare at each other for a few seconds before it gets too much for him. he closes his eyes. “thank you.” he doesn’t know if everything he’s feeling is obvious in his two words, but he hopes so. “anytime, donghyuck-ah.”