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What becomes of the soul after we die? Does it dissipate into nothingness or is it recycled in a pattern of endless lives, never to know death truly, and to, in a way, live forever?No one knows for certain, there’s no way to tell, it’s impossible to count that lives one soul has lived, to measure how good or bad of a person they were.Only that they once were many people.Isn’t that the most precious gift of all?“There’s a fish, see, Dawn?”The woman pointed to the pond full of yellow and black koi, the large fish swimming gracefully through the water.If there was anything that Jackie Aurelius loved more than nature, it was her son.Dawn was a small boy, cheeks red and round with his youth, full of wonder and very rarely sadness.“Banana?” The three year old asked, pointed to the koi. He toddled towards the fish and went to stick his hand in the water when Jackie quickly swept him up into her arms and kissed his cheek. “Not banana, sweetie, say fish.”“Phish.”“Close enough.” Jackie cradled him in her arms and carried him out of the park. They were going home now, back to their two-bedroom apartment. Jackie didn’t mind raising Dawn on her own, he wasn’t very fussy, he was independent enough, for a three year old.As far as she was concerned, he was still a baby, in desperate need of love and coddling from his mother.Dawn pointed over her shoulder, back to the koi pond, green eyes sparkling excitedly. “Banana phish?” He asked with furrowed brows, a pout on his lips.“Sure, honey. Banana fish.”At the age of ten, Dawn could do most things on his own. Make cereal, coffee and use the microwave.He’d had some trouble earlier on with his speech, a lisp that still made itself known when he got worked up and on words that he felt were too hard to pronounce (lisp was hard enough to say, but with a lisp? It wasn’t an irony that was lost on him) but none of that mattered, not when he had his mother.He was home alone a lot, especially after he left school and his mother was still at work but he didn’t mind. He had picked up a while ago that his mother had to work a lot to keep them afloat, to the pay the ever changing rent of their apartment, put clothes on their back and so much more.But he couldn’t say he minded it much, it was made up for on those night when she came home, weary from work but smiling softly when she caught sight of him.It was his silver lining. He was alone when there was a knock on the door.Dawn knew well enough not to open it, they didn’t live on the best part of town. Walking towards the door, he quietly dragged the step stool over and climbed the three stairs to peer through the peephole. A man and a woman in uniform were there, he could see their badges and their grim expressions.The boy went cold, hopping down just as they began knocking again, quickly unbolting the door and swinging it open.The officers stared down at the ten year old with a startled look, eyes darting around the apartment.“Is your father here?”Dawn shook his head, speaking slowly.“I don’t have a father. Where’s momma?” He glanced behind him, only to see the other officer, her gaze pitying. Dawn took a small step back and swallowed hard. “Where is she?”“Come with me, young man-“ The officer reached towards Dawn but he took another step back, looking behind himself once more.Dawn was a lot of things, but he wasn’t foolish or ignorant of the world around him. He knew that he’d probably never see his mother and it ripped into him, made his vision blur and he felt almost numb to the pain, it hurt so much.“Son, I’m sorry..” Dawn didn’t move the time when the officer grabbed his shoulder and picked Dawn up. He wanted to hit him, to prove he wasn’t so incapacitated by his sobbing but, he knew his legs wouldn’t carry him.“No family.. He’s an orphan. His father isn’t even in the States, there’s no telling if he’s alive or not. We need to find a family to take him or we’ll have to send him to a boy’s home.”Dawn listened numbly to them as they spoke.They’d dumped him into a chair at the police station and he was curled up, legs drawn to his chest as he listened.If he closed his eyes, he could see his mother. He could picture her bouncing blond curls and her brown eyes, that always watched him with a tender love in them.If he opened them, he’d see the cold, crowded police station and his world would come crashing down, and he would hurt more than he’d ever hurt before.“Well.. There is some room at Miss Danielle’s place, I just got off the phone with her. She’s more than willing to take him.” Dawn perked up a little as he heard this and his eyes settled on the ground in front of him, the linoleum glittered too brightly under the artificial lights, it hurt his eyes.“Dawn?”The boy looked up slowly at the social worker, her long black hair was pulled up in a tight bun, her dark eyes full of a gentle softness. She had been told to be careful with him, he’d completely shut down after crying for an hour, no emotion, a completely blank slate.What else had the police expected to come of hearing that his mother was dead?It wasn’t easy, especially when she was left to try and mesh a child into a home where they might not belong.“My name’s Laura, and I’ll be your social worker for the time being. I’m gonna drop you off at a woman named Miss Danielle’s house, okay?” She watched as Dawn stood up slowly, gripping his jacket tight around himself. It was too big, a varsity jacket with patches stitched on.It must’ve belonged to his mother, and it sent a sharp pain through her chest to see. Her files had read that he was ten, but he was so small it would have been easy to assume he was younger.“Okay.”The drive was quiet, with Dawn reluctant to answer any questions, choosing to give one-word answers. They pulled up to a two story house soon enough, in a quiet cul-de-sac of cookie cutter houses.It had a deep blue exterior and white trim. There was a rose garden out in the front of a fenced off backyard that could be partially seen from the driveway.“Miss Danielle is very nice, she’s a really sweet lady. She has a son of her own and another foster son.” She explained as she grabbed the mandated duffle bag that was full of clothes and other things (toiletries and the like) as they climbed out of the car, Dawn was still as quiet as a mouse.His silence was almost unnerving, but she couldn’t imagine he was feeling very chatty after the news he’d received.They walked up the driveway and down the short sidewalk to the wide porch. A wind chime hung, tinkling lightly in the breeze.It didn’t take long for Laura to get a response when she knocked on the door, and a woman answered.She had short, red hair and wide, blue eyes. Her nose was littered with freckles and what looked like flour. She smiled down at them and beckoned them inside.“Excuse the mess, Artie and I are working on his science fair project.” She explained, waving to the half-built paper mâché volcano on the coffee table.There was a warmth about the place, a softness that Dawn couldn’t help but attribute to the woman in front of him who flitted about with a kind smile on her face.But Dawn didn’t want that, he didn’t want some fake attempt at a replacement mother, not when he didn’t even know what had happened to his real motherHe didn’t want to ever fall under the pretense of warmth again.
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Hopping from his bedroom window, Dawn crouched behind the rose bushes that grew along the side of his foster mother’s house. He pressed himself against the house, careful of the thorns but he’d been sneaking out long enough to not make the mistake of slicing himself open on the bush.His mother was probably still asleep, the sun was barely over the horizon and Dawn was already causing mischief, or at least he was intent on it, as he crawled from beneath the bushes. Pulling his jacket tighter around himself, the blond easily dashed from the side of the house onto the sidewalk and down the street. His legs pumped quickly as he ran, arms pumping at his side with his hair rushing back from his face.His hurry was to get to Chinatown, before it awoke with all its hustle and bustle of life and crime.While it was more dangerous at night, the moments before the sun had properly rose, when it was still too dark out to see was the best time to get there. Especially if he wanted to find the person he was looking for.Running from the almost suburban area he lived in all the way to the subway station was enough to take his breathe out of him, as he hopped the ticket check and made his way to the train. It would take a little over an hour to get there, and the train was practically empty save for a few businessmen and women who were up early to start their shifts. They gave the bright-eyed teen in the leather jacket and ripped jeans a sideways glance but it wasn’t anything that Dawn wasn’t already used to. The ride was quiet, and Dawn didn’t check his phone when he felt it vibrate because it was probably Danielle throwing a fit about the problematic boy who she could never find in the mornings and never explained his whereabouts when he returned. The sun had just begun to peak over the horizon as Dawn made it to his stop, climbing off the train and starting his running once more, nearly crashing into a Japanese teen with wild hair and tired eyes. “Sorry!” Dawn called over his shoulder, but didn’t stop to make sure he hadn’t accidentally injured him as he made his way to the slums of Chinatown.The incident faded from his mind as quickly as it happened, in a rush to beat the sunrise over the towering buildings. He didn’t slow down, not even as he narrowly avoided puddles and the like until he slid to a stop in front of a small, barely noticeable restaurant. It was called Chang Dai, and even from where he stood the smell of recently cooked food permeated the air and he was reminded of how he hadn’t even eaten before he’d snuck out. Grumbling, the teen pushed the door open and walked into the restaurant, taking in its home-like comfort and warmth. He looked up when he heard someone approach him and smiled widely when he met wild brown eyes and bright green hair. “Zao!” He exclaimed quietly, as to not disturb anyone as he was led to a table to sit, unaware of the eyes that were watching them. He sat down across from his brother, noting the plates of food on the table and quickly leaned in, snatching a fried wonton and eating it despite how hot it was, burning the tips of his fingers and chewing as fast as he could to dispel the heat while his brother just watched him in amusement.Dawn took one more, this time with a napkin to keep the heat at bay as he looked up at the other.“So.. You called me at 3 in the morning because…?”Zao smiled, bright-eyed and bushy tailed despite it just being around six in the morning, his eyes were alert but Dawn didn’t expect anything less, he’d been like that ever since he was younger, always getting into mischief and wrecking havoc. “This place has the best ching po leung I’ve ever tasted in my entire life. You’ve gotta try it- and since I haven’t been home in a few days.. I wanted to know how you and Artie are? And Mom?”Dawn chewed the wonton slowly, taking in the question before responding.“Artie got accepted to that big fancy college he wants to go to yesterday.. Danielle is pretty okay, I guess. She doesn’t have any more gray hair coming in, so she must be fine.” He licked the stray crumbs off of his lips and hesitated to meet his brother’s eyes.“And what about you, Dawn?”The blond tilted his head back and sighed, blowing a stray strand of hair from his face as he leaned in on his elbows, chin resting in his hands. “I’m cool, ain’t got anything to worry about.” Zao raised an eyebrow at his brother and tilted his head, obviously not believing him.“What about your nightmares?” Zao asked, watching as Dawn cringed back, looking away from the other. “Of course not. Zao, I’ve been having nightmares for years, if they haven’t stopped by now, they won’t ever stop.” Dawn muttered, obviously wanting them to move on to a different topic of conversation but the other was more than likely not going to allow that, and he proved it as he began to speak.“You’ve told me what you have nightmares about and it worries me a lot. You’re my little brother, it’s practically in my job description to worry about you.” Zao told the other, sliding the plate of wontons to Dawn. “I just wanna make sure that you’re alright.”Dawn huffed, accepting the peace offering graciously but didn’t respond for a few moments as he ruffled his hair, lips pursed.“Don’t worry about it.” He muttered under his breath after a few moments, but he knew that Zao had everything to worry about. His nightmares were getting worse, more vivid by the day. The circles under his eyes were proof of that as he struggled to stay awake day in and day out to avoid another. He didn’t need to tell his brother that though, he already had enough to worry about. Sometimes, when Dawn looked at Zao, he asked himself what happened to us?Growing up, they weren’t kid they were before.Even with Zao’s playfulness, there was a part of him that was dangerous now, he was involved with gangs and he didn’t come home for weeks at a time and when he did, he didn’t stay for long.And Dawn.. he can only describe himself a wreck, never home when he should be, despite having a home life he didn’t need to run away from.Was their mother disappointed in them? Zao and Dawn, the two adopted sons who caused more trouble than they were worth. Zao, who traded in inhalers for guns.Dawn, who didn’t sleep and when he did, dreamt of disgusting men and Cape Cod summers. “When are you coming home?” Dawn finally asked, crossing his arms over his chest, attempting to get the focus off of himself. Zao raised an eyebrow and scoffed, aware of what his brother was doing but chose to go along with it.“I don’t know. You know I don’t want trouble to follow me.” He muttered, eyes hardening for a moment. “Things are getting pretty rough out here, happens every summer but this time.. Feels worse.”Dawn nodded, and wondered if he should tell him that the nightmares, the ones that were getting worse and filled him with deja vu, always happened in the summer. It always got so much worse in the summer. “Boys, can I get either of you anything?” Dawn and Zao looked up and saw a woman with short black hair with gray interspersed and a notepad in her hand, watching them. She was obviously older, but Dawn couldn’t help but feel that there was something familiar about her, he couldn’t place what though. “Can uh, we just have some sweet tea, please? Cold?” Zao asked, smiling at her. It was a charming smile, it made his nose crinkle and his brown eyes sparkle but the woman seemed unphased by his charms and Dawn noted the ring she wore.
Married.
It was a strange thought, one that didn’t really feel like his own, but like an outsider who was seeing someone they knew change. It was a pleasant feeling, but unknown.“Sure thing, boys. And you might want to keep it down.” She winked as she walked away and Dawn and Zao side-eyed each other.As they left, Dawn’s eyes caught the sun and Zao briefly swore his brother looked like an angel, like the ones off of old Christmas postcards. His hair sparkled and he felt both familiar and new, both whole and split, both his brother and not. Shaking the thought away, Zao ran a hand through his bright green hair, walking alongside Dawn through the streets of Chinatown.It all felt so familiar.Had they stayed outside Chang Dai a little longer, they probably would have realized they were being watched by the woman who had served them. If they had been paying any attention, they would have seen the picture on the counter beside the register of a boy with purple hair and shades.They may have even saw the smaller picture of an old postcard with a Christmas angel.