Work Text
It had been approximately three days since Rafael Barba realized he was in love with Sonny Carisi. The way it had come into his mind was ridiculous, frankly, and he was still irritated with himself, both for the way it happened and that he hadn’t realized it earlier.It was humiliating to think about the way it happened. He wished it could have been this big, dramatic, rom-com moment, if it had to happen at all. And yet, he had just been sitting in court, scribbling furiously on his notepad during Sonny’s cross-examination. It was a particularly difficult case for the both of them, a lot of long nights in Rafael’s office with a massive whiteboard, thinking up strategies, fueled by hazelnut americanos and emotional annihilation. But now, sitting in court, watching their ideas twist together in a beautifully destructive laser beam of justice, Rafael’s heart swelled with pride. And not just for himself. He dotted the last period on his notes and glanced up just in time to meet Sonny’s eyes, his icy blue eyes, which could be as cold and calculating as a robot or as warm and excited as a puppy on a summer day. When their eyes met, he thought his heart might explode. And when Sonny gave him a soft smile as he left the stand, he was slapped in the face with a realization that had only happened twice before in his life.He was in love. Not just a passing infatuation, a flight of fancy that could disappear as soon as it came on. Real love. The kind that you never thought (or wanted) to happen to you, the kind that made you hate yourself and your life because it made you feel everything more deeply. The kind that wasn’t a word or a feeling but an overwhelming sense of being, like you only existed when you were around that person and when they laughed you crumbled and when they cried you crumbled and no matter what when they were around you were just gone. That kind of love.It was tough to speak to him once that realization came to mind. Every time Sonny entered a room, the breath was sucked from Rafael’s lungs and heat flooded into the room. They saw each other again the next day, just to exchange files and set a time to study. Sonny’s bar exam was not far off, and as painful as it was, Rafael refused to change his life for his feelings. His stupid, idiotic, wonderful, overpowering feelings.So that’s where he was now. Sitting in his office, his feet kicked up on his desk, with a stack of flash cards in his hands. “What are the three parts of actus reus?” Rafael cleared his throat, hoping the slight tremble in his voice wasn’t noticeable. It didn’t seem to be.”Um... physical or external component, voluntary act, and an omission which violates a legal duty.””Right, right, and right. Nice job, Carisi.””Thanks.” Sonny looked puzzled. “You’re, uh, being really nice to me, lately. What’s the deal.””What deal? There’s no deal.” About eleven million different thought races through Rafael’s mind. “Alright. Whatever, man. Let’s just-“”Take a break?””I was gonna say keep going.””I need coffee, Carisi, it’s super late. And this does nothing but convince me that you are, in fact, a bat.””I’m human, Rafael, I promise. I just learned not to sleep.””You’re so weird.” Rafael could stop himself from smiling.”Seriously, what’s going on, man? You’re smiling, you’re not being an asshole. You haven’t made fun of my Apple Watch in a full hour. Do you know how rare that is?””I guess I’m just not in a ‘making fun of Apple Watches’ kind of mood.””Are you okay? Do you need a therapist?””Probably.””Want to talk about it?” Rafael looked up at Sonny, who legitimately towered over his desk with a partially concerned, partially amused face.”Not really, no.””You sure?””Sonny, you’re the last person I would talk to about this.” A solid cover-up. Vaguely annoyed tended to be the best emotional shield. Or so he thought.”Sonny?” Cocking an eyebrow, Sonny laughed, his annoyingly gorgeous dimples deepening into canyons below his annoyingly chiseled cheekbones on his annoyingly beautiful face. It was incredibly annoying. “You’ve never called me Sonny before.””It was just a slip-up. Won’t happen again.””Don’t worry about it too much. I didn’t mind it. Actually, I thought it was... I dunno, kinda nice? Like we’re friends.””Pfft. Friends. I- friends. Really, that’s just- friends.” Rafael chuckled to himself, growing more and more flustered by the minute.”I don’t think I ever realized what a weird guy you are, man. Let’s go get some coffee. Can’t have you passing out on me.””Can’t have that.” Sonny held out a long, slender hand.“Need a hand up?””I’m not that old.””Says the man who literally groans every time he sits down.””That’s just because I dislike sitting. It shows weakness.” Sonny looked at him, puzzledly. “Kidding. I just have bad knees.””Then come on.” Sonny waved his hand around until Rafael finally took it. Leaning back, he pulled Rafael to his feet, although he overestimated the amount of force it would take, so Rafael stumbled into him and the two of them slammed into the wall and before Rafael knew what was happening, his lips were on Sonny’s and his hands were working their way through his perfectly gelled gray-brown hair. Something that had only happened in his dreams.Wait.There was a reason it only happened in his dreams, and that was because Rafael was notoriously careful with romance. Especially workplace romance. Especially with men. “Fuck.” He stepped back, his hands frozen in the air in a sort of surrender. Sonny was still frozen with his back to the wall, looking totally shocked. “Oh, damn it. Shitshitshitshitshit. Oh, shit, Sonny, I’m sorry. Look, just... pretend nothing happened. I’m, uh, drunk. I’ve been drinking whiskey out of my coffee mug for the last three hours or something. ‘Cause I’d rather get fired for drinking in court than try to come up with an excuse for this.” Sonny’s mouth opened and closed, but no words came out. “Yeah. That’s kind of what I expected.” He picked his jacket up off the coat rack in the corner. “You can stay and study or whatever. Adios.”So he left Sonny, still pressed to the wall, and went home. He considered several options: quitting, transferring, suicide, fleeing the country- it escalated very quickly. After several cups of coffee (which actually did have alcohol in them), he decided against all of those options. He was just going to have to get it together and apologize tomorrow morning. Maybe with donuts. Or cannoli. Sonny loved cannoli. Just not him. And all of a sudden, he was spiraling again.”Oh, God.” There wasn’t a chance in hell of anything here not collapsing into total chaos. Oh well. Once you resign yourself to the chaos, it all starts to look a little clearer. ”Morning, Liv. Is Carisi in yet?” Olivia glanced up from her desk.”Not yet. You’re welcome to wait for him, though. Can I ask why?””No reason. Just need to talk to him about some... bar exam. Stuff. Just lawyer things.””Lawyer things?””I heard what I said and I’m standing by it.””Sure, Rafa. He usually gets in around now, so...” She gestured to shoo him out of her office. He went out into the squad room and sat on the edge of Sonny’s desk, impatiently tapping his foot.”You good, Barba? You seem stressed.” Rollins leaned back in her chair and took a sip of coffee.”Fine. Just, uh, waiting for Carisi.””Riiiiight.””Barba? What’re you doing here?” Rafael nearly dropped his coffee.”Oh! Carisi!” Jumping to his feet, Rafael took Sonny by the arm. “Can I talk to you? In the conference room? It’ll only take a minute, promise.”The expression on Sonny’s face was impossible to read as Rafael led him to the conference room.”Rafael, I-“”Hold up, Sonny. Just... let me say what I gotta say, okay?” Reluctantly, Sonny nodded and folded his arms across his vest. “What I did last night was stupid and unprofessional, and I’m sorry. I mean, I don’t even know if you’re gay or bi or whatever, and it was clearly a mistake, so can we forget it ever happened? Or at least never talk about it again?””No.””Thanks, I- wait, what?””No, we can’t pretend it never happened. Because it did happen, and my memory happens to be excellent. But also because... I don’t want to.” Rafael’s head snapped up. “I don’t want to forget about it.””You don’t... want to?””No. As weird and abrupt and deeply, deeply shocking as it was, I’ve been waiting for it to happen since we started working together.””You have.” Bashfulness, Sonny shrugged. “Oh, thank god. Because what I said before about it being a stupid mistake, that was all bull.””I figured. But, uh, I just got one more question: why didn’t you every do it earlier?””I pretty much only realized how in love with you I was three days ago.””Three days? I’ve been waiting for almost three years! Three days, I swear-“ he was cut off as Rafael kissed him again. This time, though, he seemed fully invested. “Ahem. You were saying?””Not important.” And it truly wasn’t. Because as much as the chaos looked clearer when you were in it, it looked even better- maybe even beautiful- from the middle, with someone you love.