Work Text
I
John probably has to take at least ten deep sighs in order to get through a single day of recording. That, and a couple of meal breaks, maybe a couple of pints, then a couple of shots. He sometimes wonders if there must be something wrong with him. He wonders if he bottles up too much and will explode one of these days. Maybe he should get flustered every once in a while, let it out. It's what Roger does, and when Roger isn't fussy, he seems to be the most happy-go-lucky fuckface ever. He's passionate about everything and can't keep anything to himself. If he were to even try to keep anything to himself, he'd explode, John is sure; start throwing shit. John did not know if that was a problem Roger should look into - or maybe he was behaving how a person should when stressed. Brian, on the other hand, was far from how Roger was, but at the same time, he wasn't one to bottle everything up like John. Well, not too much, or at least not for long. Brian was also temperamental, but in a more - gentle, more discrete way. Brian grumbled lowly and protested the way an endearing mother might scold their child without trying to scare them, with a soft voice that still clearly had that stern undertone about it. And Roger certainly acted like a child that needed a scolding sometimes.
II
There were times Freddie was the main pain-in-the-ass of the day, and there were times when it was Roger. And Freddie would back off with the bitchy-ness whenever Roger got stirred up, trying to laugh the situation off. And when thinking about that...maybe that was how John got through most of it. Freddie laughing and shaking his head whenever the guitarist and drummer played out their parts over and over. They would mess up. Or everything appeared to be going well until one or the other demanded to stop because they did not like how one played out their part. It was easy for two polar opposites to not be on the same level of sound and rhythm all the time. Roger was impatient and fast and loud. Brian was bitter and sensitive and pulled at the strings slowly and gingerly.
III
Today, Roger keeps messing up. One or two mess ups is expected, but around ten? It's just weird because drums are easy to him. John himself can hardly tell because he's not very drum oriented, but Freddie and Roger can, and every time Roger misses a beat or hits the wrong one or is two slow, he stops playing, huffs and puffs, stands to place his hands behind his head, and Freddie sighs: "Okay. Alright, darling--""I don't know what's going on with me, Fred," Roger stresses. Brian watches the drummer pace about his section with a look that John cannot read, exactly. It's either an annoyed "not again, we were doing fine", his own attempt to read Roger, or is a look of concern. It's hard to tell when he has that furrowed/pissed off/confused look all the time for a face.
IV
John doesn't understand why ninety percent of the time, it's Freddie and him that have to leave whenever Brian and Roger get worked up. And as far as John knows, the two fuss pots stay there for the break until Freddie and John get back maybe a half an hour to forty minutes later.Why stay behind and get cooped up with the person that made you get worked up in the first place."They're not mad at each other, darling," Freddie always sassed on their way to a diner or a bar for these breaks. "Trust me.""Then what is it?" John asks, genuinely confused. "It's the music. The work."John can't say that Freddie is being entirely honest with him. He has a tone and a look on his face (it's really the way he tilts his head up and has that smirk of his) that makes John think that he's not giving him the full story; like a little guessing game. Freddie appears to be one of the most shameless and honest people that there is. He appears that way. Perhaps the guy was more secretive than they all thought, but right now, John can't say he has known Freddie long enough to answer that just yet.What John does know is that whenever they do return to the studio, Brian and Roger are much, much calmer. In fact, after that thirty to forty minute break to themselves after fussing, they are calmed down enough to not fuss for the rest of the day. And John can say that the number of deep breaths he has to take and the amount of alcohol he puts in his body is gradually going down.Sometimes when Freddie and him come back, Roger has "calmed down" so much that he is found passed out on one of the couches, out so cold that he looks like he might drool. And then there's Brian at the opposite wall, sitting and focused on either writing or the strings of his guitar of choice.And John just can't help but wonder what went on in those times Fred and him were gone. Did they continue with the arguing and fought so much that they tired each other out? Did they just nap, and Brian was usually the first one up? John knew they didn't order anything to eat because Fred and him were always the ones that brought back their food. And Fred would fuss over their food and where they should get it from and what the food should consist of even though there are people that are literally trained to do that."Oh, but I hate the trouble of finding a person reliable enough to do that," Freddie would say every time John recommended that.Why did they have to do that for Brian and Roger while out. It didn't bother John too, too much. He just felt like he had two puzzle pieces that didn't fit together, and came to realize there was a third center piece somewhere.
V
He's just about had it with constantly bringing back Brian and Roger's nitpicked food back to the studio for them. His tendency to bottle up all of his frustrations are probably coming back to bite him in the ass today. He woke up in a shit-ass mood and a good shower and coffee did not make it go away. This mood hung over him like a rain cloud. Every little thing irritated him and John is amazed that he even made it through Brian and Roger's stupid bickering without exploding himself. He had to resist the strong urge he had within himself to throw a chair at his bandmates over their stupid crap.Freddie could probably sense John's shit-ass mood throughout the whole day and did not follow him and smother him with questions when the lead singer finally said it was time for a break.John goes to the nearest bar and has only a couple of beers. He would have had more if the people at the bar didn't make him go away. Bar chatter can be loud, unavoidable, and absolutely insufferable. Just mindless chatter about their trivial office job problems.He stomps back to the studio early, pushing through that day's strong wind and the small buzz he already got going. He was tiny, so it was no surprise that just a couple of pints could give him that age old numbing sensation. He finally makes it to his destination and slams the door. Finally. He already feels a little better with the silence of the place.His marching settles down more and more as he walks down to their section. He feels a little better than he did that morning. Perhaps a good buzz and exercise was all he needed. But he knew that if Brian and Roger bitched about him not bringing in any food, he may just feel that switch in him go off again. Back to the shitty mood. And he's sure he won't hold back his anger this time. He's not feeling like being everyone's calm guy. His steps are reduced to very light steps as the room draws nearer and nearer. He finally sees the final corner to turn and sees the shadows of his bandmates. John stops right at the corner and there's a lot going on. He didn't hear any yelling, so he didn't assume they were fighting. But at the first glimpse, he saw that the guitarist and drummer were standing close, their legs and arms fidgeting about and John thinks that they might be getting physical. Jesus Christ. He already felt the instinct to step in and stop them.But as it turns out, they weren't fighting. Their bodies were pressed together, legs tangling together, hands possessively exploring up and down their bodies, and their faces flushed, tongues deep in each other's mouths.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
I
Freddie claps his hands hard inches from John's face, making him jump and gasp: "Earth to Deaky! Hey!"John blinks and squints: "What? What were you saying?""What's gotten into you? You never zone out."John is unable to look Fred in the eye for too long, afraid that he might find the answer in his gaze. His eyes dart from Freddie, to Roger, to Brian, then to the bass in his lap. "Sorry. Having an off day, I guess.""Who're you thinking about?""Huh?""Come on, darling. You are clearly lovesick. Now tell us who it is.""I'm not lovesick.""Oh, don't give me that. I know it when I see it.""Fred, leave him alone," Brian stood, "or we'll never get anything done. You'll waste the evening away over talking about this special someone."
II
When he first saw them, his anger completely dissipated. It was not disgust or revulsion it was replaced by, but confusion. He wondered just how long it had been going on, their - attraction. "Attraction" was the only appropriate word to think of right now, as John was not sure of the nature of their chemistry. He did not know if it was just sex or love. He doesn't want to think about the "hows" and "whys" too much because it makes him feel slightly homophobic. Brian and Roger were either doing this because of natural sexual attraction, or natural longing and pure love, just like with any straight couple. But at the same time, he wants the "hows" and "whys" because the revelation was surprising (and yet not). Roger had, as far as he knew, been only attracted to women, and very attracted to them, bringing in countless girlfriends over the years. And Brian just seemed so shy or was afraid of intimacy or was not interested in relationships as much as the passionate Roger was. And there were other variables here. Maybe Roger seemed to hop from girl to girl because it actually wasn't his cup of tea, but John shook that thought off. It made more sense to believe that Roger was at least bi-curious. As for Brian: this might explain why Brian had a particularly troubled adolescence. He was shy, insecure, sensitive, and was confused by sex. Brian was not experienced because he kind of had a strict, overbearing upbringing. John had not yet properly met Brian's father, but he knew that talking about his father sometimes made Brian uncomfortable. It took Brian a long time to tell his father that he dropped his studies to put all his time and energy into music because he knew he would not approve, and he would disapprove harshly. John had every reason to believe that his father's criticism was the reason why Brian was such a reserved, secretive person in general. He definitely would not want something like this to be found out.And Roger? John could only guess that he only went with hiding it because it was such a thrill. It was exciting. It was rebellious. And it something new to try and experience.
III
There is literally no excuse John can give himself for his own secrecy, his own thrill. Was his own daily living really so dull and quiet that this was his own hobby of excitement? Indulging himself in a way one might while reading a paperback novel, trying to figure out the thoughts and feelings of the characters? Every day, John tries to sit patiently through their sessions, indulging in the art rather than trying to keep an eye out for what the drummer and guitarist in particular are doing together. Now that he "knows" about them, he just now picks up on the longing gazes into each other's eyes, the body language, how the fronts of their bodies are turned facing each other when they sit, how their arms almost touch, how they probably have entire conversations between themselves without uttering a word.John can see them communicating through their eyes, how they stare in a daze, how they hold it far longer than friends would.
IV
There was the assumption that Roger went along with the secret because of the thrill of having something no one else knew about (or so he thought), but John start reconsidering this on the days seemed - shattered. They were episodes the bassist never thought he would see Roger have. When it was obvious that something troubling was on his mind and it effected nearly everything he did. On these days, he could barely focus on what Freddie was telling him, when the vocalist would recommend drumming a certain way, or singing a certain way with him on a track. He would mess up a lot and just stomp and fuss about. Later, when Freddie and him dismissed themselves for their "break", John would sneak back to the studio to see the - what were they, lovers, sex buddies wanting to be lovers, in denial about being in love? - being more passionate and tender than usual. Roger looked so vulnerable here, the way he looked into Brian's eyes. John could barely hear what the two men were saying to each other. And he could only read some of it through the movements of their lips.
I love you. I want to be with you. Why not? Why can't we?
John then got the feeling that maybe Roger really did want more. He wanted to be official and the secret was sufficating him. It made sense because Roger told everyone about everything.