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"I never meant to cause you no painBut it looks like I did it again"--"I Wish It Would Rain Down," Phil Collins, England, 1989 Fuso, though it toed the line to keep relations with homophobic cultures like that of Liberion and Britannia, had nothing against a person's private life and likes and dislikes in particular. Liberion wouldn't handle these people, even on their own soil. They hadn't been, leading to a hollowfication crisis, and finally, Fuso was chosen at the summit as one of the powers that would help curb the effects of Liberion's inaction. Those who did pass on without a Reaper, Kenpachi wondered, the one in two who passed on "directly upward," as it were, would they be enslaved or hung? He tossed that thought out of his mind. They were both cruel, horrific fates imposed by a cruel and horrific culture, and there was nothing he could do before it.There were men of every adult age on the white stone steps of this building, but the majority of them were under fifty today, this time, of many ethnicities, as usual.He remembered being recruited, as a captain of the army of a nation which was one of the Four Great War Powers, to many battlefields, be they Japan's own or that of other nations whose Soul Society equivalent had requested help sending souls off.But these men did not die in battle. They were not killed by force and glory.He thought of the extreme poverty that plagued all but the military capital of Fuso, and yet, if only these people were being sent there and not--He looked to the rest of his team. Yumichika was silently hovering over the corpse of a young man who couldn't be over twenty, looking forlorn, as Ikkaku put his hand on Yumichika's shoulder.Renji...Kenpachi wasn't sure Renji was completely in the moment.Byakuya, though solemn, was as unreadable as ever. Kenpachi had seen him more readable in the wake of Hisana's death and the resulting domino effect fallout, and knew there was unlikely to be no feeling behind that mask, but a mask it was, and Kenpachi would let him wear it."You know," Renji's voice broke the silence, "our country is... I can't help but feel like the Captain-Commander would have the Twelfth do something, even for civilian matters, if it was like this."Kenpachi sighed. So much senseless death without the glory and final thrill of battle, but in this way, as someone who'd once died frail, young, and ill himself, and to be sent to a certain cruel fate by them--he couldn't continue thinking about it. He rubbed his weary face with his hand."Alright, men. Nothing more we can do here. Let's get our artificial bodies, let's get some booze, and get back to the motel for some R&R."The furthest away from him, Byakuya lightly flinched.Renji looked away from his old captain, over his shoulder to his current one."Captain Kuchiki--""Lieutenant Abarai. Captain Zaraki's orders are fine. I shall collect my artificial body and retire to the motel straight away. You may follow whomever of us you please for the rest of the night."Feeling caught off guard, Renji stammered before responding "Y-yes, Captain. I will...meet with you later...""Very well," Byakuya answered neutrally, flash-stepping away. ------ Renji shook out his shoulders as he grabbed another can of beer."I don't know whether to be more impressed at how weird this canned mead is or the restrictiveness of this flesh suit! This jacket is kinda impressive though--it fucking glows!"Ikkaku slouched forward from his spot against the wall as the four sat on the carpet, the liquor in the middle of the almost circle of them, tossing the pop top of his third can just shy of the wastepaper basket onto the floor. Safety was no priority of any officer of the Eleventh. "I can't say it does the mead any favours, but booze is booze, and it's not like we have much funds for better shit."Yumichika, whose face was almost completely red, sighed, staring at the can. "Unbeautiful liquor almost seems fitting today."Kenpachi stumbled up and headed to the water closet, his face also red, "Shitty mead goes right through you."Renji's eyes followed Kenpachi, then trailed off to the other room in the suite where his and Byakuya's beds were.He could feel Byakuya's aura, it felt stormy, and yet, or perhaps furthermore, no sound had emanated from the room the entire time he'd been with his friends. No matter how much he begrudged his captain, he was still his captain, and Rukia would not be very happy if her brother, aloof as he was, came home less than okay.Renji set his can down and stood. "I'm gonna go check on my captain before I get too sloshed."Yumichika, now hanging off Ikkaku's shoulder, and Ikkaku himself, both muttered vague affirmatives as Renji went for the door.The beds were made and all was as it was when they left that morning; perfect military condition.Except Byakuya knelt over the bed, his face in his arms upon it, his shoulders silently shaking.Byakuya was crying.Renji shut the door."Lieutenant Abarai" Byakuya acknowledged him, hearing his voice tremble, knowing he'd been caught, and not turning around.With close to an audible gulp, Renji stepped forward as Byakuya's shoulders seemed to start and stop shaking repeatedly."I apologise that y-you must see me so out o-of sorts.""Captain..." Renji bit his lip. The same caring instincts that led him to pick up and raise baby Rukia were warring with fear and resentment of his superior officer.Byakuya stood, turned around, and quickly bowed his head, covering it with a hand as the tears forced their way back.Renji stood before him, still at war with himself. "Captain, is there any way I can be of service to you?"Byakuya looked up, taken aback, but not enough to staunch the flow of tears.Maybe it was the liquor.Maybe it was the exhaustion.Maybe Renji just didn't think.In a moment, he wasn't looking at Byakuya anymore, but Rukia.Rukia, bloodied, in tears, when the rest said she was a burden on their group--that it was them or her. His daughter that he'd picked up and raised on his own.Maybe Renji thought too much of someone else.Renji hugged Byakuya.Both froze, Byakuya in shock and Renji with a heart full of dread. Renji almost flung himself back, but Byakuya drew his arms around Renji's torso, clinging to the Day-Glo jacket his flesh body wore.Byakuya breathed in slowly, out slowly. In slowly, out slowly.Renji, on the other hand, had entirely forgotten how to breathe. He was, however, sobered up."Thank you, Lieutenant."Renji's shoulders sagged as he gulped in air. He did still notice that Byakuya's voice was more stable.He also noticed he needed to reply."I, uh, you know, I uh, want me to get you some of that beer stuff...?"Byakuya dabbed at his face with the hem of his blue polo shirt sleeve, realising there was no handkerchief in sight."It's been... a long time... since...No, thank you, I do not care much for mead. Less so when it is strangely made of air."The air hung heavy between them."You may return to your friends if you wish, Lieutenant. I shan't command you stay here."Renji caught the implication between the words. And realised he'd gotten himself into something."What do you wish I do, Captain?""I require nothing of you as your commanding officer."Byakuya exhaled deeply, even as he fidgeted with the trouser sleeve of his khakis in lieu of a long yukata sleeve to grab."Captain," Renji pressed, determined to see what he started through rather than slink away, "with all due respects, what do you wish of me, as a person?"Byakuya attempted to square his shoulders, but it came out a hunch.
"It would be preferable... to not be alone..."Renji slowly nodded, "Then, I will... accompany you tonight."Byakuya almost mimicked Renji's nodding, unsure and not meeting Renji's eyes as he sat on his bed. Seeing him, Renji followed suit and sat next to him.Now that the shock was gone, his bitterness at Byakuya began to come back as he came out of the flashback of Rukia. The man who'd used his status to take away his daughter, the man he'd..."It always helps Rukia to talk through her problems...""Lieutenant"Oh, that was the line, Renji thought."Can you keep a secret?"Renji blinked in confusion. "Sure..."Byakuya stared at the wall. Because it was not Renji's eyes."I am eternally grateful to you for raising Rukia so well, especially when you were but a child yourself. And I know all too well that had it not been for you, she would have died... I have owed you this explanation for a long time, yet I've been too much a coward to tell you the truth."My late wife was the one who abandoned her as an infant. Hisana...was her sister. I promised her to find and take in Rukia on her deathbed.... I shall never be without shame... for breaking up your family... or not keeping hers alive for her to meet... or not being able to look either of you in the face and tell you... but perhaps I haven't that right..."Renji let out the breath he didn't know he'd held.A deathbed promise to a beloved. A beloved that was Rukia's sister in blood.Renji and Rukia still spoke daily. Byakuya never came between them spending time together.Byakuya had still taken her from being his family.But in light of the reason, he couldn't ultimately refuse it.He could only think of one thing."Why--why didn't you say something!?"Byakuya stood up, his hands in his hair, walking toward the wall."How could I tell her that I--"He paused, seeming to almost deflate."Do you know of the Hattori Project?""Uh, no."Byakuya turned to face him. "In 1907, an unseated officer, Hattori...I know not his given name, accidentally discovered that with these artificially made flesh bodies, reproduction is somewhat possible. Yet, the offspring's souls were unstable, and prone to deteriorating. The project, named for him, was a trial conducted by the 12th Battalion in order to understand and curb this phenomenon. In order to do so, they also needed to figure out how to enhance reproduction with artificial bodies to reverse engineer them in order to make bodies incapable of such a thing, or at least such was their reasoning. The project ended successfully in 1972. In 1948, Hisana was diagnosed with power drain, a terminal case. Her organs were failing. She would die on an iron lung. The cause was unknown, but... she decided she wanted to leave me with a family. And thus we offered ourselves up as participants."Byakuya lowered his head, a hand running through his hair as he looked at the ground."Our three year old son and eight week old daughter both died of soul collapse in the spring of 1952, as well as two miscarriages.... Rukia had a whole family... that I failed to keep alive... and because of me, because I failed, she shall never meet them... and for that, I have never been able to look her in the face."He dropped his hands to his sides."That is why I did not explain myself."He looked up at Renji, half-defiant, yet shame was what burned in his eyes.In the next moment, his countenance completely fell, "And for it, I have caused you both yet more pain."Renji bit his lip, trying and failing to think of what he would do in Byakuya's situation.So he grasped at the first straw he found."If your late wife was already terminal, it kinda makes sense she might miscarry, and have frail children in an experiment where that's a known outcome anyway ; that's hardly your--""No, Abarai"Byakuya untucked his shirt, lowering his waistband slightly, showing where his lower abdomen stuck out lightly as if it were five or ten excess pounds."Hisana and I are both transsexuals--it was my body; I had no such excuse. I am sturdy and well. This happened but days after I was unable to save Hisana, two weeks after I failed to save our son! A month after I failed to save our daughter! How can I tell Rukia this!? How can I...?"Although he'd been born in British-controlled Wales, Renji'd lived in Fuso most of his ninety-eight years. A Japanese nation, though half the population was, like him, from anywhere else, and thus bigotries like racism and homophobia known, Renji was not unfamiliar with the concept, not so taboo, and knew exactly what Byakuya had just confessed."With all due respect, sir, it still sounds like all of that was beyond your control...""It was five days after she died... this is soul scarring. Artificial body or not, my body is stuck three months pregnant with nothing, and that will never change"Renji held his tongue, thinking Byakuya was going to continue, and giving him space to speak, as he seemed to need to, but a lull fell between them.Just as Renji was about to offer words of solace, or at least that he was beginning to understand, Byakuya continued."We were both to hide for the duration of each of my pregnancies. As a dignitary, it would tarnish our relationship with other nations, such as Liberion or Brittania, were it known that I or any high-ranking person were queer at all. I was purchased as an heir from a family I do not remember in Goreyo at age three, and I've not known the hardships you, Rukia, most have, but... after today, after what we saw... I could feel for a man as easily as for a woman. And my body is not as most would expect. And I..."Byakuya looked at Renji once more."All of this, I apologise, Lieutenant. It was beyond unseemly. I am a dignitary of Fuso and a captain."Renji shook his head rapidly."No, I-- thank you. Thank you for finally telling me. And thank you for trusting me enough to tell me beyond what involved me and Rukia. I..."Renji sighed."God, until...this, until just now, I resented you. I... I wanted to strong-arm you into giving me back Rukia. I... I hated you for separating us and then not so much as looking her in the eye... Now, I... I sorta... You're in a pretty painful place. I still think you should tell her, though. You should have told us both much sooner. But a lot of that, I can also see why you were afraid to. And I still can't believe the thing with your children or miscarriages had anything to do with you as a person or that you could've done anything about them. It wasn't your fault. I can say that for sure, because I can't work out a way that it could've been your fault""How would I tell her--How would I tell her 'I had a whole family with your sister and I was unable to keep any of them alive long enough for you to meet them'?""I... I don't know. I don't know at all. I never realised-- I can't imagine how you felt... or feel... I don't know. I... if you don't mind my boldness, maybe we could think of something together."Byakuya, who had crossed one arm over his chest to grab at his other arm in an approximation of either a self-hug or a shield, dropped both arms and looked at Renji in surprise."You would be willing...? I... I might perhaps appreciate the help."Renji stood up, surprised at his own changed feelings as well. And his prior drunkenness had already opened the door."If it's not too presumptuous, I wonder if you would also appreciate another hug."Byakuya looked almost startled before nodding a silent, tentative affirmative.Renji obliged.As before, Byakuya clung to him by his sleeves.Byakuya let himself sag into the hug and closed his eyes, "It's been so long...since Hisana died... that I've even had a gentle touch without some sort of malintent."Renji jerked his chin back in surprise. "Since '52!? A hug!?"Byakuya nodded."That's 32 years... even out of a thousand, that's... Wow. That's awful. I mean, in the other room, we were all clapping shoulders and nudging elbows, and, well, I mean, it's not like I've never done more with Ikkaku or Yumichika."Looking up, Byakuya saw the faintest blush on Renji's face, and chuckled."Of course you laugh at that..."Byakuya reflexively pulled his expression into his default mask, having his expression of an emotion pointed out...and just as quickly abandoned it for a soft, serene expression as he moved to stand up, hands clasped behind his back."I thank you for... being here for me tonight, Lieutenant..."Renji sighed, shaking his head, an ironic smirk on his lips, "We should've had this talk a lot sooner.""Yes, we should have... I regret not doing so bef--""HEYA, RENJI"Ikkaku threw open the door, his beer-stained band tee now tied around his head, his fundosi peeking out from his lime green O.P. shorts."WE'RE GONNA DUEL IN THE COURTYARD NOW! FIRST ROUND BLEEDER BUYS MORE MEAD!"Renji laughed, "I don't think you need anymore, man."Beside him, Byakuya was his usual self: rigid in posture, expression, and voice."Third seat Madarame--lower your voice and behave like an officer."Ikkaku pulled the door closed as he left, grumbling as he did so. "Bleeder...""I do question your taste in men, Lieutenant"Renji looked back at Byakuya, whose expression changed back in the same blink of an eye as it had initially.Noting that, that he was intentionally being let to see something few ever were, Renji smiled, "You're joking with me. You're smirking and joking with me. I suddenly feel special..."Byakuya closed his eyes, almost as if he were meditating on his next words."That is good. Perhaps, after tonight, it would not be wrong to say that I feel you are."Renji looked surprised once more as Byakuya continued."In the past, I wounded you so deeply--a thing I shan't ever not regret. Yet tonight, you were kind to me in the face of not only a painful mission we are to continue to endure, but also... I confessed to you things that are truly not even safe to tell many, and you not only listened without complaint or judgment, you..."Byakuya could feel his eyes mist over and looked up, blinking it away."You accepted me."
Renji put his arms around Byakuya for the third time, "Well, yeah, I mean, I'm cissexual, but I know the concept, and I know what bigotry is like--I was half Yemeni and half Welsh under British Imperial rule, and, honestly, I'm gay. And I sure as shootin' wouldn't have wanted to figure that one out there. The first two were bad enough. And having experienced that, why would I wanna turn around and be hateful to someone else?"He moved one hand up and began stroking Byakuya's hair."And even though if someone told me yesterday we were gonna be doing this, I'd have thought they were trying to start a fight, I... I think you need a friend. And... I dunno which you might consider more brazen... the fact that I'm gonna suggest I be that friend...or the fact that...now, in the interest of being open here... that I'm gonna tell you it's tempting to kiss the top of your head like this."Byakuya looked up so abruptly that Renji only had a split second to panic that he was going to die of Senbonzakura before... Byakuya pulled Renji's face toward his and kissed him.As soon as Renji was able to respond, Byakuya pulled back."I... I'm afraid as much as I'd like to continue..."He shook his head."This mission is miserable."Renji's expression became pained."I can imagine the same treatment in the British Empire. I hear them and other colonial powers have pretty much spread their bigotries world-wide over here, and..."Renji sat on the bed, his elbows on his spread knees, his head hung for a moment before looking up to Byakuya."I hope they end up in, I dunno, Olmeccia or something. I know the Captain Commander has a pretty hands-off policy with civilian life, but this is beyond that. This is...""Considering our location, one in every two will end up in Liberion, and likely enslaved or hung. And I already know as much as I am a dignitary, it's... I can't stop it."Byakuya let out a dark laugh, "All this status... and I have control over not a thing. I have actually tried before, over Liberion's slavery. I was told in no uncertain terms by the rest of the Kuchiki family that I would end up causing a war, and they and the Captain Commander both said they would immediately execute me and any co-conspirators should I seem likely to take a public stance that might threaten allyship of the nations. And, certainly, no progress would be made even should I lay my own life down. They would all unite against me and stand by those horrors in the name of..."He shook his head, "My status truly does little, if anything."Renji softly began to rub Byakuya's back."I'm really glad to know that you tried. And that you would consider the greater good before yourself. That's...not many people do that, or things'd be a lot different""Sacrifice for the greater good should be a cornerstone responsibility of status such as mine.""I figured the ruling class is mostly assholes. I guess I'm glad to learn there are exceptions. I'm also disappointed in the Captain Commander, but I guess I'm not too surprised, considering I know what it's like beyond Seireitei's walls.""I should like to invite you to spend time at my manor, Lieutenant Abarai. You could freely associate with Rukia in her home, and you could experience our amenities... I would also enjoy your company if you so chose to visit me"Renji laughed, "Considering what all's going on, you can just call me Renji if you like. I mean, we've kissed and I'm rubbing your back, and it seems a bit weird to stand on military custom when we're like this."Byakuya paused a moment to think before nodding in acceptance."Very well. And I shall tentatively allow you to call me by my given name as well when we are alone.""Okay...Byakuya?""Very well, Renji."Renji laughed nervously and Byakuya smiled minutely."I think this does please me. Does it please you?""Yeah, it'll take some getting used to, but it does. Even though this is kinda still weird. I won't tell Rukia anything you don't want me to, but she's gonna see we've gotten closer, and she's gonna probably be more than surprised, to say the least... I'm...kinda glad, though, that this all happened"Byakuya leaned his head on Renji's shoulder."A glimmer of joy to sustain us on this sorrowful mission..."Renji put his arm around Byakuya's shoulders, leaning his head on top of Byakuya's."Yeah."Renji sighed.