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“Why, Constable, what an unexpected treat!” exclaimed Garak, bustling up to Odo in full plain-and-simple-shopkeeper mode. “I almost never see you in here. I suppose you’ve finally come for my advice choosing some fashionable off-duty clothing? Luckily I have just the thing in the back. Not that periwinkle would suit you, of course, but as it’d only be a model, I could make it into any colour you wished. Puce, perhaps, or russet.” Odo would have rolled his eyes if it had been anyone else (he was trying to perfect his body language), but Garak’s artifice was more than enough for the both of them. “I don’t wear clothing, Garak. As you know full well.”“A pity. Well, perhaps I’ll convince you someday.”Odo snorted. “Don’t get your hopes up.”“It’s your choice entirely. If you’d rather walk around the station naked…” Garak left the sentence hanging. Odo left it there. “Don’t try to distract me, Garak. I want to talk to you about how you’ve been disabling the security monitors. It’s unacceptable.”“Me? Why would I want to do that? As the victim of more than one unprovoked attack on this station, I appreciate more than most the importance of a good security monitor!”“Come off it, Garak. You’ve been disabling monitors all over the station so that you and Doctor Bashir can have sexual relations.” Odo scrolled through the PADD he was carrying and jabbed his finger at a list of entries. “Yesterday alone you did it four times: Cargo Bay One at 0207 hours, Access Chute K56-Beta at 1342 hours, Habitat B-Level Corridor Access 272 at 2232 hours and Habitat J-Level Corridor Access 189 at 2255 hours - a mere 50 metres from Doctor Bashir’s quarters, I might add. Couldn’t wait?”“I assure you, Odo, that wasn’t me. I have to admire the ingenuity of your suspect, though. Timing all of those monitor blackouts can’t have been easy.”“Garak, I know it’s you. Everyone on this station knows what you and Doctor Bashir are up to. Why are you even bothering to lie?”Garak shrugged, unperturbed. “Business is slow and I get bored easily. Besides, I could use the practice. The only other lie I’ve told today involved my unwillingness to pay quite a scandalous price for a bolt of Gouganian charmeuse.” He held out his hand for the PADD.“I don’t believe that for a minute, Garak,” Odo gruffed, relinquishing the PADD grudgingly - there was little harm Garak could do if he kept an eye on him, and he wanted confirmation from him of the dates and times. “Oh, it’s true.” Garak scrolled through the security data, head tilted to one side. “It was some of the finest charmeuse, Gouganian or otherwise, that I’ve seen in quite some time. Pure silk, lustrous, and positively sensual against the skin. I would gladly have paid the asking price, but of course you don’t get very far in business without a little negotiating.” He handed the PADD back to Odo. “Very thorough, Constable, though you missed the one outside Storage Closet 11M on Habitat Level H. Around 0800 hours.”“Hmmph.” Odo marked the time and place in question for later inspection. How irritating. He was going to have to go through the security records again. If Garak said that he had missed one, it was likely he’d actually missed closer to three or four. “Don’t you get enough practice lying to Doctor Bashir?”“Lying? To Julian? Odo, I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”Odo wondered whether Garak ever tired of lying; he doubted it. “I’m talking about this.” Odo’s finger hovered over a file from earlier in the day. “I don’t know why, but you neglected to disable the audio recording.” He tapped ‘play’. Soft gasps came from the PADD, and then Doctor Bashir’s disembodied voice. “Like this, Elim?”“Oh, YES, Julian. Just there.” The Garak on the recording was breathless. “You’re very good at this, my dear.”“Computer, lock doors.” Garak’s hand came down swiftly onto the PADD, stopping the recording abruptly in the middle of a breathy exhale. “Constable, really, right here in my shop? What if a customer had walked in? I have a reputation as a respectable member of the station community.” Odo gave in and crossed his arms; a little body language really was the best way to convey the brook-no-nonsense tone he needed now. “Respectable member of the community? Ha. And I can’t understand how the doctor doesn't see through your lies.”“Lies? I assure you, Constable -”“Save it, Garak. That was the same tone of voice you use when you assure the waitstaff at Quark’s that the kanar is excellent.”“That’s not lying, that’s social lubrication. You might not be aware, Odo, but there are times when it simply won’t do to state something directly.”“As if you ever state anything directly when there’s a roundabout way to do it.”“Julian is sensitive. I have to give him encouragement now and then later I can work on…upgrading his performance.”Odo humphed. “He's had enough partners - you'd think he’d be upgraded enough already.”“He’s not bad. He just lacks finesse.” Garak swept his hand towards the mannequin, which was sporting one of his newest creations - a stylish, black dinner jacket. “It’s like a small tear in an otherwise perfectly charming garment. I’ve come to realise that I like a lot of foreplay. You know, scale biting, kissing…”“I do know what foreplay is, Garak.” “Tickling...”“Humans tickle as foreplay?”“No, but Cardassians do.”“Ah.” Odo considered himself fairly knowledgeable about Cardassians, having spent so much time among them, but this was new. And bizarre. Of course, one had to consider the source. “Julian, on the other hand, prefers to rush right to what he calls ‘the main event.’ He’s the same at lunch. I’m always telling him to slow down, to savour the food.”“Perhaps he doesn’t want to get caught having sex in public.”“Hmmmm.” Garak’s eye ridges drew together in consideration. “No, I don’t think that’s it. He’s the same no matter the location. He just needs a little guidance. You see, he’s never had trouble attracting partners, what with his intelligence, charm and good looks. Consequently, he’s over-relied on those very commendable qualities and not put quite so much effort as he could have into perfecting his technique.” “Why bother with him then? If you must indulge in that biological function, why not find someone who knows what they’re doing?” “Now who’s being roundabout, Odo? You know perfectly well that once a Cardassian starts having sex they have no choice but to ‘indulge in that biological function’ as you so prudishly put it. And that the urge is particularly strong when a Cardassian is a - how did Julian put it? - ah, a ‘late bloomer’. And, speaking of Julian, well, who else on DS9 would give me the time of day?”“Mmmhmmm. Enough of this false modesty, Garak. You and I both know that there are plenty of people on the station who would be more than willing to have relations with you.”“Why, Odo, I had no idea,” Garak purred.“What do you mean, you had no idea? Some spy you are if you can’t tell when someone finds you attractive. You could pick someone up at Quark’s right now if you wanted - two or three if you wait for closing time. Don’t try to pretend you don’t have any choices. You just don’t want to admit that you’re in love with Doctor Bashir and…” Odo trailed off, suddenly aware that Garak had stopped listening. “Odo.” Garak took a step closer. “What I meant was that I no idea that you felt that way.” Garak ran a finger down Odo’s shoulder. “You’re right that I’m generally an observant person and know when someone’s interested, but you Changelings are hard to read.”Odo sighed and morphed his shoulder away from Garak’s hand. He really needed to practice his body language if Garak thought he wanted to participate in those activities. Solids and their ridiculous preoccupations!“Garak,” he said, crossing his arms in what he hoped was a discouraging way. “I am not hard to read. Engaging in sexual relations with you is the last thing I want to do, and you’d know that if your brain wasn’t so hormone-addled. It’s affecting your judgement.”“Only in a good way. One should always be open to new experiences - and I don’t think you’re as indifferent as you pretend, to the clothing or my charms.” “Don’t try my patience, Garak,” Odo warned. “If I have to talk to you about this again, you won’t like it.” “So you say.” Garak gave a theatrical sigh. “Oh, well. But really, Odo, if you won’t have sex with me, will you at least try on that shirt?”
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“Garak!”Garak, busy at his workbench, didn’t even glance up as Odo stormed into the shop. “Back so soon, Odo?” he asked coyly around a mouthful of pins. “I knew you couldn’t resist that shirt.”Odo ignored him, adopting what he hoped was a sufficiently admonishing posture. “When I said to stop disabling the security videos, I meant to do that AND to stop having sex in front of the cameras!”“Hello to you too, Constable,” said Garak, who’d removed the pins from his mouth and was placing them neatly in the pincushion on his wrist. “To be fair, you never actually said that.” He paused, then continued reluctantly. “However, you needn't worry - Captain Sisko has insisted Julian and I keep our activities confined to our quarters.” Garak’s frown conveyed his opinion on the injunction.“Good. I must say I'm disappointed in you, Garak, succumbing to all of these sordid goings-on that solids are so obsessed with. I thought you had more sense.” Odo thought it judicious to emphasize his point with a reproachful finger-wag. “You must have known that sleeping with the Doctor the first time would trigger these...urges. Urges that you are now stuck with, I might add.” Odo shook his head sadly. “Why couldn’t you leave well enough alone?”Garak shrugged. “It’s true the consequences have been a little…inconvenient at times. Tain always said it would be my downfall.”“Sex?”“Curiosity.”“The humans have a saying for that, you know.” Odo decided to go for smug, so he adopted an I-told-you-so hands-on-hips posture. “‘Curiosity killed the cat’.”“Ah, but,” said Garak, leaning in with a devilish grin, “‘Satisfaction brought him back’.” He stood up and adjusted his tunic. “Much to my surprise, it turns out that people weren't exaggerating when they said how much fun sex is. Shocking, I know. But sometimes things are popular for a reason. You really are missing out, Odo, believe me.”“Humph. You still shouldn't have been parading around in front of the cameras.”“Parading!” Garak shook his head. “Odo, It’s as if you don’t know me at all. You know I try to avoid being the centre of attention. Honestly, I forgot they were there. You don't know what it's like to lose yourself in the heat of the moment.”“I don't. Thankfully.”“Of course, if you're curious, I'd be more than happy to help you find out.” Garak stepped forward.Odo stepped back. “Thankfully, curiosity is not one of my failings,” he sniffed. “Especially where you’re concerned.”“I’m wounded by your rejection.” “I don't believe that for a minute. You’ve got an ego the size of a mammoth.”Garak paused. “Pardon? The size of a what?”“A mammoth. It's a large, woolly extinct mammal from Earth.” Odo held his hands out vaguely as if to indicate the impressive size of the creature. “I saw a holodoc on the Galaxy Discovery Channel last night.”“The ‘Galaxy Discovery Channel’?” Garak grimaced as if he’d just discovered his regova eggs had been doused in Ferengi beetle reduction instead of yamok sauce. “Let me guess. Another cultural recommendation from Chief O’Brien?” “I’ve found Chief O’Brien’s recommendations to be excellent,” Odo bristled. He knew that Garak disapproved of his detective novels, but what was wrong with a scientific documentary about long-dead Earth megafauna?“Oh, Odo.” Garak stepped forward again. “I could show you much more enjoyable ways to spend your evenings.”Odo stepped back, bumping into a mannequin. Ah, so this was what Garak was doing - picking a fight about something inconsequential, a classic Cardassian seduction technique. Garak’s judgement really was impaired if he thought he could trap Odo into a flirtatious cultural debate as if he were as naive as Doctor Bashir! “My evening was very enjoyable, thank you,” he said calmly. “Just promise me you’ll stop performing in front of the cameras.”Garak stopped his advance, looking affronted. “Performing?”“‘The heat of the moment’?” Odo snorted. “What nonsense. You knew what you were doing. I saw you smirking into the cameras.”Garak’s eyes widened and a grin spread across his face. He took another predatory step forward. “Oh, so you were watching. Tell me, Odo, why watch if you're not just a tiny bit curious?”Odo stepped fluidly around the mannequin, a little more deftly than a solid would have been able to. “I had to make sure you weren’t covering up something else, like a crime. Besides, it was…educational. There have been a few incidents when I have mistaken amorous activities for fights. People get upset.”“I can imagine,” said Garak, one hand idly brushing imaginary fluff from the front of the mannequin’s tunic. “This would look nice on you too, Odo. Just what you should be wearing.” He paused, then looked up slyly. “So what did you like best about my performance?”“That there’s not going to be an encore. I'll be watching you Garak.”Up went an eye ridge.“Not watching you. Watching that there's nothing to watch. You know what I mean,” said Odo testily, rolling his eyes. “And you know I mean it,” he added as he left - an attempt at a dramatic exit that was, sadly, spoiled by the amused puff of laughter that followed him out onto the Promenade.
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“How lovely to see you again, Constable!” Garak was removing a stain from a length of silky, cream-white charmeuse. He made a final pass with his tool, ran his fingers appreciatively over his work, then switched off the device and dropped it absently into his pocket. He straightened up and smiled invitingly. “I still have that shirt - and a half hour before Julian’s due to arrive. Plenty of time for a…personal fitting.”Odo scowled. “I’ve no interest in any offer of yours, Garak,” he replied crisply. “I’ve come, yet again, on the seemingly impossible task of getting you to keep your private life private.”“Why, whatever do you mean?” Garak said, voice all innocence. He moved forward casually, holding the fabric up in front of Odo and eyeing it critically.Odo put a good metre and a half between himself and Garak, stationing himself on the far side of Garak’s work table. “Must we play this game every time?” Odo wondered, not for the first time, whether Garak’s recent outrageous behaviour really stemmed from physiological causes. “You can't fool me, Odo. You love it. You can't get enough of me.” Garak slid the slinky fabric through his fingers as he spoke.Odo put both hands on the work table and glared. “Garak, this is ridiculous. Can’t you think about anything else? You're even talking like a badly written sex scene.”“Oh?” Garak purred. “And how would you know that? Have you been reading badly written sex scenes?”“Not on purpose.” Odo felt that a disdainful shrug and explanation were in order. “I don’t seek them out, and I certainly don’t get any kind of enjoyment from them. Unfortunately, they seem to be an integral part of the Terran detective novel genre. All of which is beside the point. I’m here, Garak,” he went on with grim determination, “to tell you to stop sending Doctor Bashir pornographic material at work.”“You'd rather I sent it to you?” Garak asked with an arched eye ridge.“I'd rather you not send it at all,” said Odo. He experimented with lowering his brows balefully. It had no effect. Garak merely shrugged. “Surely whatever information I share privately with Julian is none of your business.” “It’s anything but private!” Odo decided something more dramatic was called for if he was ever going to get his point across. He slammed a hand down on the work table and raised his voice. “You sent pornographic files to his work account, and when he stopped opening those you attached them to innocuous messages, and when he caught on to that you spoofed Chief O’Brien’s account and sent them with subject lines such as ‘Darts Tonight?’” “Has Julian complained?” Garak asked, a worried frown settling on his face.“No, he hasn’t,” Odo admitted reluctantly. “But he has every right to complain, and he should have.” “But he hasn’t - so whatever is the problem, Odo?” Garak asked, head tilted questioningly. “The problem is that you don’t seem to understand that it’s inappropriate to send videos to the doctor’s workstation of you...doing those things.”“What things, specifically? I’ve sent so many videos to Julian lately. It’s become quite our favourite method of communication.”Odo grimaced and allowed himself a shudder. “I’m talking about the videos of you pleasuring yourself.”“Oh, is that all? Why, Captain Sisko practically insisted I take up the practice! Perhaps you should have a talk with him.”“He didn't insist that you share it with every humanoid on the station! I believe the whole point is that it’s supposed to be a solitary pursuit.”“But Julian so enjoys watching.”“It’s not Doctor Bashir I’m concerned about. You’ve inflicted your little sex games on innocent bystanders. People prefer to have a choice about what they watch - not have it foisted on them at work or during a medical appointment. Nurse Jabara told me all about it. She was not amused. Morn was there getting a physical and he was nearly speechless!” “Morn speechless? Surely you exaggerate. Anyway, how was I to know Julian would open his personal messages in front of anyone else?” Garak clucked his tongue. “I must speak to him about safeguarding his privacy.”“Privacy? That’s a laugh. Half the station must have seen your prUt by now.”“It’s a very nice prUt,” Garak sniffed.“Hmmph. I’ll take your word for it. Why are you even sending him the videos? It’s not like you’re there to see his reaction when he opens them.” “Well, Odo, that’s a very good question.” Garak smiled approvingly. “Do you remember the little problem I was telling you about the other day? When you very unkindly accused me of lying to Julian about his, ah, bedroom skills?”“I do, unfortunately.”“Well, this way I can show him exactly how I like it, and he can watch as many times as he needs to. Videos are excellent instructional tools. And very effective. You wouldn’t believe how much he’s improved in such a short time.”Odo brought out a smug smile he hoped conveyed victory. “I’m delighted, Garak. Because that means there’s no need for you to send him any more.”Garak made a little moue of discontent. “I wouldn’t say there’s no need. He’s still far from perfect, and he does so enjoy learning new things from them. You wouldn’t take that away from him, would you?” “Try me. And if he loves the videos so much, why do you have to disguise them in order to get him to open them?” “He claims they distract him from his work.” Garak blinked innocently, as if that couldn’t possibly be true.“Shouldn’t you respect his wishes?” Odo had observed that solids, no matter the species, had a hard time compartmentalising and were easily distracted by physical urges like lust and hunger unless they kept to strict rules and boundaries such as lunch breaks…and not watching pornography at work.“Maybe so,” Garak continued smoothly. “But he has yet to understand the full benefits.”“Go on. Enlighten me.” Odo quirked a sarcastic eyebrow. Garak paid Odo’s eyebrow no mind. “You know how obsessive Julian can be with his job. He needs a little distraction from time to time.”“So helpful of you to oblige.”“Exactly. He takes all his breaks now.”“With you.”“Naturally. And he’s finishing his shifts on time these days. I can’t see a downside, Odo. The station gets a happy and well-rested doctor, and as for me - well… Julian simply can’t wait to put what he learns from the videos into practice. All within quarters, as prescribed. And the shop, of course, what with the convenience.” A fond, faraway look crossed Garak’s face, and he absently traced the ghost of the stain in the silky charmeuse with one finger. “Well, maybe one downside. The unconventional uses we’ve found for some of the merchandise may eat into my bottom line a little. But I suppose it’s worth it.” He smiled beatifically at Odo. “We do lock the doors. Mostly. Is that not perfectly in line with your and Captain Sisko’s edicts?” “Aren’t you forgetting something?” Odo reminded him. “The videos?” “Oh, those.” Garak shook his head dismissively. Odo shot him an are-you-really-going-to-continue-down-that-road glare he’d picked up from Chief O’Brien.“Fine, Odo, fine.” Garak gave a dramatic huff. “I may have been a little…over-enthusiastic lately, but I’m quite capable of conforming to unreasonable rules when I have to. There’s no need to make such a fuss about it.” He held up a hand. “I hereby solemnly promise to uphold my public image and be more discreet when messaging Julian.”Odo frowned. Garak could promise that he’d be as celibate as a Vorta and still find a loophole as wide as the wormhole. He stared at Garak, hard. Was that? It was. A smirk. A definite smirk.That was the last straw. Odo vowed that not one more report of unsavoury goings-on was going to cross his desk. It was time to pull out all the stops. He took up a threatening stance, straightening up and adding a little extra height for good measure. Hands on his hips, he leaned forward into Garak’s personal space. Lengthening his vocal cords, he gave his voice a deeper, flintier pitch. He narrowed his irises to pinpoints, hooded his brow, and carved a disapproving scowl into his face. “Let me make this brutally, unsparingly clear, Garak,” he said, in his sternest voice - the one like gravel sliding down a mountain. “I don’t want to hear anything else about your prurient new hobby bothering anyone - anyone, not even the doctor - ever again. AND…if you DON’T stop all of this nonsense IMMEDIATELY then I will have no choice but to take you into CUSTODY!” he finished in a thunderous rumble.Garak stood stunned. The glossy fabric, forgotten, slipped from his grasp and shimmered to the floor. “Odo,” he said, swallowing. “I assure you I understand perfectly.” He held out his hands, wrists pressed together. “I’ve been very naughty, and I can’t be certain I won’t do it again. I’m afraid you’ll have to impose a severe punishment on me.” He glanced at the time, then looked at Odo and winked. “Twice if we’re lucky.”