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Day 1.
I am writing this to chronicle these events, should they be deemed useful or necessary in future. Some of the other members have recently debated rather loudly that it would “liven things up around here” if I were to enter a relationship. From every aspect that I can perceive of, this is a preposterous idea. Vexen shares my views, that it is a waste of time and effort, for which I am sure my human self would be grateful. Then again, we found common ground most often on practical matters. Lexaeus is wary of the idea. Understandable, as he does not wish to see me come to harm. But he needn't worry. I find the idea of every form of physical intimacy expected of a relationship repugnant, and as I am without a heart at present, it would be pointless to pursue one. With any semblance of fortune, it will be a suggestion as fleeting as the rest of the absurd notions that the rowdy lot entertain to pass the time.
Day 3.
Unfortunately, speculation did not simply die down since the previous entry. Quite the opposite, in fact. The more rambunctious of the Organization have spent the last twenty-four hours trying to “pair me” with Demyx of all people. True, he is the only other Nobody even close to my age, yet he is... well, Demyx. Furthermore, that fact alone is but one sensible factor in a chain of absurd notions. To make the matter more infuriating, those who are not directly involved have begun taking bets over how long it will take. I feel as though I have repeated myself two dozen times by now, that it is unnecessary and undesired. No one seems to be listening to me, and I must admit that it is a draining and even frustrating experience. VII appears to share my disdain, having made several attempts at dissolving this foolishness, but even threat of annihilation has done little to dampen their enthusiasm. Should this harassment continue, I will have no choice but to file a complaint to the Superior.
Day 8.
My written complaint has been disregarded, and I fear that IX is beginning to warm up to their suggestions. He is no longer able to meet my gaze, and his habits suggest perhaps guilt or embarrassment. Previously, he had also been quick to dismiss the idea, as had Lexaeus and Vexen, but I have seen the way that Xigbar pulls him aside and whispers to him. As II has been the most vocal of all, I can only surmise that he is the primary instigator of the shift in IX's behaviour. This prospect concerns me. Previously, I had been able to rely on Demyx to not take part in their schemes. This may no longer be the case. However, so long as he does not approach me with any intention of theirs, I have nothing to worry about.
Day 25.
Demyx approached me today, but not in the manner I was expecting. He asked me how I felt about this predicament. Ordinarily, I would remind him that we do not have hearts, yet I find myself with physical responses to these events. My shoulders ache from a tension that I have been unable to dissipate, and migraines have become a frequent occurrence. Despite my best efforts, I find it difficult to maintain my composure as of late, and irritation has been finding its way into my voice. I said nothing, for once at a loss for words, but he was surprisingly patient. He was quiet for a long time, observing my hairline and the space below my eye. Waiting. When it became clear that I would not speak, he nodded to himself and uttered a peculiar phrase: “It must be so hard on you.” I do not understand what he was searching my face for, or what he found. But I get the sense that he understands more than he reveals, for all that I cannot fathom what.
Day 32.
As loathe as I am to admit it, I believe that I have reached the point of no return. Today, my composure slipped beyond my words. I struck Xigbar with an illusion. I know not what he saw, but he staggered, and until now I had never witnessed him exhibit fear. The room broke into hushed whispers and furtive glances, before Saix informed me that I will be meeting the Superior tomorrow. For the first time in a decade, I feel anxious. I have no desire to be rendered a Dusk, nor can I predict my punishment. I will leave this journal in my drawer, so that perhaps someone may learn the truth should I cease to exist.
Demyx came to me after I had left the room, leading me to the library. He was feverish in the enclosed space, heat and anxiety rolling off of him in waves. It is easy to recall his words, reflected in his eyes and his grip on my shoulders as he spoke.
“What happened wasn't your fault. I've been watching them tear you down day after day. It's so cruel, and you're exhausted, but it's not your fault! Try to make Xemnas see reason, use your power if your words don't work. No one should be allowed to punish you for a natural reaction.”
Although I cannot place what, his words stirred the traces of a new emotion into existence.
Day 33.
The Superior did not harm me. He did not even threaten me. For all that he was bored, he made an effort to understand my case. I was assigned extra missions, ordered to take a psychiatric evaluation, and dismissed. When I left the office, IX embraced me before I could react. He must have been waiting for quite some time, as his back was chilled from the wall he had leaned against. His entire body was shaking, and I was barely able to decipher his words against my shoulder. Even for bearing witness to countless horrors as a child, I cannot recall a time when I have ever seen someone appear so broken. Emotionally, at least. The embrace was uncomfortably tight, but I did not surrender to the urge to push him away. Perhaps it was his words that stopped me.
Day 35.
My previous outburst and subsequent reappearance has led to the provocations becoming lessened and quieter, yet no less troubling. To complicate matters, Demyx's words have continued to echo within my mind since that encounter. It is becoming infuriating.
“I thought I'd lost you!” he'd exclaimed. Why do these words have such a profound effect on me? For all previous considerations, he has meant nothing to me. Yet I cannot remove them from my thoughts, even with every method available to me. I will unravel this mystery. It seems to be the only way I will achieve rest.
Day 42.
Vexen has informed me of a process wherein someone who is suffering finds comfort with someone else who is suffering in a similar manner. Whilst the concept holds merit, I am unable to deem it a factual occurrence for my situation. I have not seen Demyx be subjected to what I have, but his behaviour has been unnervingly reactive. I cannot shake the notion that he was crying when he held me, as implausible as it seems.
Day 58.
IX has spent almost the entire month waiting for me to return from missions. Now that I have given thought to this observation, I realise that this has been going on since the day I visited the Superior. He says little, merely enquiring as to my health, and reiterating his offer of assistance in the event that I need anything. For the past fortnight, he has been asking me if I would allow him to watch me cook. Tonight, I agreed. At first, he was making a nuisance of himself, merely standing in the way and observing everything that went on, every movement I made. I am curious as to why he only appears to pay attention when I am the one he is observing. If he had an ounce of this dedication to his work, he would be a force to be reckoned with. Eventually, once I had had enough, I told him that he could either assist me or leave. I must admit that I expected the latter. However, he aided my endeavour with the same care that he uses to watch me, following instructions with relative ease. It was... an altogether not-unpleasant experience. The food turned out well, too. Nothing to write home about, but then again, nothing I create ever is. We agreed to cook together again tomorrow.
Day 59.
Cooking with IX has had unforeseen benefits. When Axel yelled from the doorway, I bumped into Demyx, knocking the pot from the stove in the process. He moved instantaneously, and whilst the pot could not be spared from the floor, the dinner was. As was I. With one hand, he kept the boiling water containing the pasta above our heads, sparing us both the indignity of being scalded. With the other, he gripped my wrist, keeping me on my feet in the commotion. The flicker of emotion that I experienced was... relief. For a moment, it was enough to shield me from irritation over VIII's exaggerated whistling. Only for a moment, however. He may find himself with unpleasant dreams tonight.
Day 63.
Demyx is a wretched fool, just as pretentious as all the others. For all that he has played the role of my ally, Xigbar's manipulation has bred ideas in his mind. He knows the strain that this worthless ordeal has put on me, and yet he decided to ask me if I would actually consider a relationship with him. Perhaps it would be easier to accept, if only to cease this incessant process once and for all. Yet even with the prospect of potential freedom, there is no guarantee it will be the case. Furthermore, I do not wish to give Xigbar the satisfaction.
Day 67.
I have given IX's proposition heavy consideration these last few days, weighing the benefits and risks. As far as I can see, so long as we do not attempt to engage in carnal behaviour, the only harm I will undergo is my pride. Demyx has proven to be patient, and have the capacity for understanding, so it is far from the worst possibility.
Day 69.
As usual, I found IX in the Grey Area, strumming his instrument. When I asked him to follow me, he obliged without complaint. The library was once more the ideal location to converse in. Encased in the relative safety of those endless shelves, I asked if he had meant what he'd said. He seemed nervous when he answered, his hands unable to find rest on his body, but his gaze was steady. We conversed for over an hour, verbally revisiting pros and cons, outlining what outcomes we each desired from this partnership, and finally establishing boundaries. He is to keep contact to a minimum, and only as a necessity either to his true needs or our safety. In return, I will assist him with mission reports on occasion, provide answers to intelligent questions, and share meals with him.
Day 70.
This endeavour has not been atrocious thus far, but it is only the first day. We made an exhibit of our newly acquired couple status, and were met with mixed reactions. At the very least, the constant slander and speculation has finally ceased. Debts were paid, and the opportunity for distraction at my expense no longer exists. I anticipate events returning to normal soon. One can only hope.
Day 74.
I would never have expected a partnership to be so relaxing. Demyx is unbothered by my conditions, and he does not keep me from my tasks. The only thing that has changed is the length of time in each other's presences. Whilst his proximity has also become closer, he continues to respect the boundaries of my space. The closest he has allowed himself to be is on the floor beside my feet, which I am admittedly endeared by. He does not appear uncomfortable in such a position, and when he does speak, he maintains an appropriate volume.
Day 89.
It has been twenty days since we decided to attempt this agreement. Given his proclivity for physical intimacy, I am impressed that he has restrained himself for this long. Even now, as he has become physically anxious over his need for contact, he respects my boundaries. He asked me if he could hold my hand. Curious as to how he would react, I agreed. His grip was light at first, perhaps hesitant, and he continued to search my face for any sign of a trick. Finding none, he held it tighter, and it was as if his anxiety had been a physical force. It melted away from him, and I was left wondering if my powers had anything to do with the speed of the change. I asked him, of course, as he lounged bonelessly against the armrest. He laughed, playing with my fingers, and shook his head. A few more strands fell away from his style, and I was struck by the thought that his hair looks soft. Never before have I had a thought like it. Oblivious to my thoughts, he continued his explanation. “Just like I said during our negotiations, touch is a need for me. It doesn't have to be anything big, but it helps a lot.” I understand what he meant, now. The way the tension leaves him, so that he is completely relaxed. It is a sight to behold.
Day 92.
Today, it was brought to my attention that despite the initial stress, I no longer have aches. Have I truly allowed myself respite in his presence? I would even dare to describe the situation as “comfortable”, as unusual as it sounds. For the first time, I realise that I truly trust Demyx. What we have now is more than an alliance, and more than a mutually beneficial relationship. Having never had friends, I would argue that what we have now is considered a friendship. The thought... brings a vague feeling of warmth to my chest. Perhaps I should speak to one of my guardians.
Day 103.
Demyx kissed me today. He gained my permission first, as he has done with all of our actions, and I must admit that I was curious initially. However, I felt nothing. No stirring of emotion, no physical sensations beyond the pressure on my lips. Demyx was surprisingly emotionless about it, but I sense that there was something lying beneath the surface. Was it disappointment? Regret? All that I am certain of is that it cannot be easy for him, learning that a new success does not live up to expectations. We will not kiss again.
Ienzo chuckled to himself, rereading the last sentence. Zexion disliked kissing, and Ienzo still felt nothing for it when they had tried again with hearts, so it was a part of their relationship that they removed. Neither minded its exclusion, however. They still had many avenues to express their love for one another, ranging from quality time to letters, cuddling, and impromptu dates.“What're you reading?” Demyx asked idly from somewhere behind his partner, soon wrapping his arms around Ienzo's torso and resting his chin on his shoulder. Ienzo smiled, resting a hand on one of the arms whilst the other closed the book before him.“Oh, nothing, really.” He stood carefully, shelving it before turning in his arms to return the embrace. “Memories, of a kind.”Demyx nodded sagely, eyes darting to the unmarked spine before finding Ienzo's gaze. If only Zexion knew, Ienzo pondered, resting their foreheads together. Demyx closed his eyes in bliss, revelling in the tender affection that he was allowed. That it is possible to be attracted without feeling attraction.