Work Text
The building was silent as he locked up the studio and made his way back to the dorm. It had been another day of slow and frustrating writing. It seemed like he was stuck, lately, not being able to write as freely as he used to. The bars where he used to rap never cared no matter how risky his lyrics were as long as the audience screamed in delight. Now he felt slightly stifled. Every word he wrote was brought under a lens.
The streets of Seoul were peaceful. He knew that his mother probably didn’t want him to think that, but Yoongi couldn’t help the calm seeping through him as he walked under warm yellow streetlights. There was a stillness in the air this late, or rather early, into the night that gave him comfort.
After a few minutes, he reached the grey, nondescript building that was now his home. Though it was entirely unremarkable, it represented the biggest and most risky decision of his life. Leaving Daegu, his parents, his brother, his friends, to come to Seoul and pursue a dream. He now lived with several other delusional young men, dreaming of distant fame and success.
When he had first come to the company, having made it through the auditions, he was introduced to that ragtag group of boys. They were supposed to be his teammates, when they debut. Two of them had already left in the past year, perhaps making the smart choice to continue studying, to go to college. Including Yoongi, four were left.
The keys jingled in the silent hallway as he opened the door to the tiny two bedroom apartment. It was mostly dark, except for a brightness coming from the living room. Looked like someone was awake. Upon entering, he found that it was Namjoon, one of the boys in the team. Asleep and sprawled out on the couch. A pen was dangling from his fingers while a notebook lay open on his chest. No doubt he passed out while writing lyrics.
Namjoon was the youngest out of the four of them. He was only one year younger than Yoongi, yet had made quite a name for himself in the Seoul clubs as Runch Randa, becoming famous for his clever wordplay and cool charisma. The other boys had told him how he was intensely smart, a top student in his class, and could have been anything he wanted. At first, Yoongi was a little jealous. He never had anything beside his music. Never particularly good at school, or sports. The only thing he had confidence in was his rap and his piano. Namjoon had everything, could be anything, yet he opted for a path with very little chance at success. Who was he to throw away such a promising future? But on actually listening to his music, Yoongi had to admit his talent.
He had a very precise style. Each word was perfect, and each line had double, triple meanings. It’s almost like he couldn’t help but show off a little. He used Korean like a tool to shape beautifully crafted verses. On the stage, his trademark black sunglasses suited his intimidating aura. He stood tall and confident, and never missed a beat. In short, he was the opposite of Yoongi. Where Namjoon rapped powerfully, Yoongi infused his words with emotion. He didn’t mince words, because he didn’t have time for beating around the bush. While wordplay wasn’t foreign for him, most of his words meant what they meant. He was a very passionate performer, often getting very into the emotions of the moment and his mood rising or lowering accordingly. If he was angry at the government, and the system, he made sure everyone knew it.
Offstage, they were different as well. To Yoongi, Namjoon was a kid trying very hard to be taken seriously. He took his persona to heart, wearing black and always keeping his sunglasses around. Brooding, is what Yoongi would describe him as. Or uptight. He never broke any rules, as far as Yoongi knew. On the other hand, Yoongi didn’t care much about others’ perception. He wore whatever he wanted, as long as it was comfortable. Even though he was knew, the other kids were easy enough to get along with. He was far from a sunshine, but he didn’t have a rain cloud over his head either. The most important thing for Yoongi was to let his music speak for itself.
But even though they didn’t have much in common, they were more or less in the same boat. Namjoon, for his own reasons, wanted to make it big in this industry. And that was something Yoongi understood. Too often had he been cheated out of his money. Even after putting a lot of hard work into a song, he could maybe perform it once or twice. When his parents had learned of his musical ambitions, they had been skeptical. They would rather he get a government job that paid the bills. But they didn’t get it. Once he had a taste of the stage, of making music, he knew he couldn’t go back. He would never be happy working a government job. Even if he ended up broke, he needed to try it. Nothing had given him as much peace as music did. And someone had even seen potential in him. He wanted to show his family that he could make something better of his life. And probably, so did Namjoon.
He carefully plucked the notebook and pen out of Namjoon’s hands, and set them on the table next to the couch. Quietly, he made his way to the bedroom and grabbed a blanket. When he returned to the living room, Namjoon had shifted into a more comfortable position and was snoring loudly. Reminding himself to get earplugs, Yoongi draped the blanket over the sleeping boy and tucked in the edges.
Neither of them mentioned the incident the next morning, but Namjoon picked up an extra cup of coffee for Yoongi on the way to the studio.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Eventually, the other two boys also opted out of becoming idols, leaving Yoongi and Namjoon the only trainees left. There was some discussion on debuting them as a duo, but they fell through. Mr. Bang wanted a group, with singers and dancers as well. Debut seemed to get further and further away. They didn’t talk about it, but Yoongi knew Namjoon was as worried and impatient as he was. Luckily, only a month after Donghyuk decided to become a producer they were introduced to a new trainee. A boy by the name of Jung Hoseok, the same age as Namjoon. He didn’t have any rapping experience, but he was one of the best street dancers of Gwangju. Before Hoseok’s arrival, the group that was being formed didn’t have a lot of dance practices, mostly just sticking to the basics. That’s what Yoongi had been promised. A hip hop focused group. But after seeing Hoseok dance, it became clear that he and Namjoon would need to work much harder in that department. Yoongi felt slightly betrayed, but his hands were tied. If he breached the contract now, he would have to pay millions of won in fines, and he couldn’t ask his parents for that kind of money. Hoseok was quiet and serious, not saying much. Since he didn’t have either vocal or rap experience, he was taking lessons in both, in the hopes that one would stick. Yoongi had heard that he had been a JYP trainee who was moved to their company. He felt for the kid, who had to move to their more modest dorm and work spaces. So he took him under his wing. While Hoseok slowly opened up, he noticed the other was a very hard worker. When he wasn’t in the dance studio, he watched Yoongi make music to learn. Yoongi was flattered, even though he didn’t think he deserved to be learnt from. Their boss was clearly scouting more members, as soon after a very young and shy kid by the name of Jeon Jungkook was added to their group. Yoongi was now the oldest of the four boys, felt a sense of responsibility toward their youngest. But Jungkook was a tough nut to crack. He was extremely shy, probably because he was not even out of middle school yet. Conversation with him wasn’t as easy as it had been for Hoseok. But Yoongi realized that he would open up in his own time, and let him be. Jungkook had auditioned for a show, and had gotten a lot of business cards from the top agencies. He was no less than a prodigy. He had the voice of an angel, and could keep up with Hoseok during complex routines. He even took to rapping like a fish to water. Yoongi would have been envious if not for how badly they needed a singer and another dancer on their team. Maybe he and Hoseok could distract people from Yoongi and Namjoon doing a subpar job dancing. And even though his multi-talentedness could have allowed him more room for a little arrogance, the kid was very humble. He was the only one besides Hoseok who did his chores regularly, even taking on Yoongi or Namjoons’ when they were busy. Yoongi knew he should enjoy it while it lasted, because after he got comfortable their youngest would no doubt start lording over them. With Namjoon being a trainee for the longest out of all of them, he was given responsibility for their team. Yoongi was fine with it, he didn’t need an additional burden on his shoulders. What he didn’t realize was that this meant Namjoon was the one delivering the orders from their company. He wasn’t a big rebel or anything, but often he disagreed with their restriction or rules and took it out on Namjoon. It wasn’t his fault that they were put on a strict diet or got longer dance practices but Namjoon was the messenger and Yoongi had no other target for his frustrations. Namjoon wasn’t one to back down easily which meant they often got into heated arguments. Choice words were hurled, which neither was very proud of. Yoongi hated scaring Jungkook when he got angry, and he knew Namjoon did too. So after a particularly bad fight, they came up with a system. No matter who fought, they would all get together and talk it out. After a while it started working. They didn’t fight any less, but they made up faster and easier. The arrival of an acting student named Kim Seokjin, a saxophone player named Kim Taehyung, and a contemporary dancer named Park Jimin gave them their final lineup. They were a motley bunch. Yoongi had no idea how they would all fit into a hip hop group. They were all easy to get along with and worked hard. They breathed some life into their days at the dorm. Taehyung and Jimin were two youngers younger than him and got on very well, getting up to all kinds of mischief. He didn’t quite know what to make of their reserved eldest just yet. It was after another long day of writing and dancing when Yoongi came home to Namjoon on the couch again. This time, he was awake, staring holes into the air. He looked dejected as he lay there. Yoongi was exhausted, and wanted nothing more than collapse into his bunk bed, but something about his demeanor made him sigh and settle himself next to Namjoon. “What’s the matter?”, he asked, not looking at him. Namjoon didn’t say anything for a while. It seemed as if he wasn’t going to answer, but- “Do you think we’ll ever be famous, hyung?”, he asked. “Is that why you chose a career in music, Namjoon? To become famous?” Namjoon shook his head. “No.” They had never talked about this, he realized. Yoongi didn’t know why Namjoon became a rapper. But this wasn’t the time to share backstories and hold each other lovingly. Yoongi shuddered at the mere thought. They simply didn’t have time to rest, to doubt. “Then why are you asking?” “Because I wish we will someday, but we can’t do that if we don’t even debut.” There it was. The real reason Namjoon was moping around their living room. Yoongi couldn’t deny that it seemed both near and far at the same time. They had a full team now, but they were far from ready to debut. Their skills needed honing. And seeing how long Yoongi had been a trainee already, the wait seemed endless. To Namjoon, who joined even before him, it would have seemed even longer. “We will debut.” he said, more confidently than he felt. “Please spare me. I am the one who makes that speech, I already know how it goes.” Namjoon had a point. But what else could Yoongi say? After all the money their company had invested in them, not debuting would be impossible? Or something more like ‘Maybe we’ll never be good enough, but it’s okay because we came this far’. Yoongi couldn’t say that. He knew how much this meant to them. Coming this far is not enough. Maybe it was time for some praise. They had been more reprimands than praise from their trainers recently. Yoongi hadn’t been dishing it out either. “Have you you ever seen yourself on stage, Namjoon?” asked Yoongi. Namjoon stared back at him blankly. “Of course you haven’t. But I have.” said Yoongi. “You’re a natural . The company knows that. And if they are stupid enough not to put you on stage, then someone else will. Your really don’t need to worry.” Namjoon looked at him, an incredulous expression on his face. Yoongi wasn’t exactly known for his niceness. It was rare to see him voluntarily say anything affectionate or positive. “Er… thanks, I guess?” replied Namjoon uncertainly. “But I am not just worried about me. I want all of us to debut together.” Of course. He had gotten attached to all their members. Yoongi didn’t blame him, he was guilty of the same. But it didn’t help at that exact moment. Right now, he wanted to make Namjoon see things in a better light, not fall into a deeper spiral. On any other day, Yoongi would have grudgingly talked to Namjoon about his fears, but this wasn’t the time. He was tired and sore, and didn’t have anything other than his bed on his mind. He knew that he could easily say the wrong thing in his state. So, he decided to buy some time. “Look, Namjoon, I honestly don’t know what to say at this moment.” he admitted. “Why don’t you get some sleep, and if you still feel that way tomorrow, we can talk about it.” Namjoon nodded hesitantly and got off the couch. “You’re right. I can’t be moping around right now. What will Jungkook say if he sees me like this?” “That’s not… what I meant…” mumbled Yoongi. But it was too late. Namjoon had already walked towards their bedroom. Yoongi sighed. He had been intending to have Seokjin talk to Namjoon tomorrow, because he knew he wouldn’t do a good job at it. But it seemed that his words made Namjoon internalize everything. Yoongi was an expert at internalizing feelings, but he knew it was unhealthy and didn’t want Namjoon to fall into his habits. Deciding to worry about it tomorrow, he trudged through their apartment with a single object on his mind: his bed.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Yoongi wasn’t stupid. He knew that other rappers in the underground scene disapproved of his and Namjoon’s decision to debut as idols. He didn’t blame them, because he used to think similarly himself only a few years ago. They made their feelings clear online and some even took shots in their own verses. But he never thought anyone would have said something to his face. It simply wasn’t their style.
So he was surprised when he and Namjoon were accosted at a local event.
“People say you guys aren’t hip hop..” said the host.
“There’s no question!” added a rapper. He seemed to be joking, so it drew laughs from everyone around, even Yoongi and Namjoon.
The host went on to say that they had to do well, as if they needed to prove themselves anymore than the other rappers present. Wasn’t the host supposed to be neutral?
Yoongi didn’t need to look at Namjoon to know he was tense. But Namjoon was nothing if calm on the outside as he picked up his mike.
“What was the question?” he was giving them a chance to be more polite.
No such luck.
“Honestly, since BTS are idols... there are people saying it’s not hip hop.” the host didn’t even attempt to keep the judgement out of his voice.
“What does an idol mean?” asked another. Yoongi’s face was impassive, but he was annoyed. Were any of them going to let Namjoon speak?
“It’s an icon.” Finally, Namjoon was able to get some words in.
“Oh? So you become girl’s idols?” Yoongi fought the urge to roll his eyes.
But Namjoon kept his cool. “Since you asked what an idol means.”
The questions weren’t done.
“Yes, by definition, an idol is an icon, but in our country an idol is not a musical, but an industrialized notion.” Great. Now their music was being insulted for not being real music. He doubted any of the people sitting had even heard their album.
“Yes.” said Namjoon.
“So some people think, ‘How can idols match with hip hop? How can it be the same?’” He was obviously talking about himself. Yoongi nodded because he was listening, but he would have given anything to leave.
Namjoon was clearly trying to think of a way out of this trap of a question. “Usually idols wear makeup or talk about clothes.” Careful. “I don’t know if you have listened to our album, but overall, our album is very hip hop.” That was good, steering the conversation towards their music.
“Hip-hop is not just a genre of music, though. It’s bigger then that.” Someone was out for blood. “Yours would be a rap album. Not a hip hop album.”
“Just music that has rap in it.” Yoongi tried his best not to look too pissed off.
“Hip hop is bigger than rap.” Another rapper started talking about how hip hop is a lifestyle, an attitude. All kinds of bullshit. The only attitude he had was rude.
It seemed like these few rappers were so confident in their belief that Yoongi and Namjoon weren’t hip hop that they were taking shots at them in public. In front of them. Yoongi felt helpless. He worked his ass off to debut for this?
Namjoon continued to make a valiant effort in defending them. Yoongi was grateful. He would have certainly cursed had he opened his mouth.
Poking holes at their music and style wasn’t enough.
“This is somewhat of a sensitive question, but since you’re here…” Oh Lord. “Hip hop is somewhat manly and has a macho culture. If you look at…” he pointed to another rapper. “He has a very many appearance. We write verses like ‘gay like appearance, hurry up and turn into a man’,” that just made the verses homophobic. “But when you guys go up on stage and get makeup done, isn’t that a conflict with hip hop?”
Before Yoongi could even let that sink in, another comment was tacked on.
“No, no, it’s not makeup. It’s a girl. It’s like being a girl.” a few murmurs ran through the audience, particularly its female audience. They didn’t sound happy.
“Isn’t it dressing like a girl, dressing up as one?” Yoongi didn’t understand what he was trying to say. The host said he didn’t think that’s what BTS were, but-
“Smokey eyes and stuff, what do you guys think about it?” What kind of questions were these? Maybe if they let Namjoon speak they would know their answers.
Yoongi knew Namjoon felt a little backed into a corner. He said that he didn’t like smokey eyes and didn’t want to do it, and that he understood hip hop culture. He understood both sides argument.
But Yoongi’s patience was waning. He couldn’t let Namjoon do the talking all by himself. The host’s next question was the last straw.
“What is it you want to do? If you understand both sides and want to be both sides, and don’t like smokey eye makeup, what is it you want to do?”
That was it. Yoongi searched for a mike, but Namjoon saw him and gave him the one he had. There were a lot of things he wanted to say, but he forced himself to appear calm.
“If you watch broadcasts, you’ll know. As for me and Rapmonster, we’re both amateur rappers. I came from Daegu while doing music. Rapmonster did music too. Honestly, I just wanted many people to hear my voice and my music.That’s one of the reasons.”
He didn’t want to talk about his reasons, but maybe a little bit of sincerity would get them of his and Namjoon’s backs. He continued.
“The same goes for this friend.” he said, gesturing to Namjoon. “This might be a little offensive, but I hoped that underground and mainstream could be linked.”
The host repeated his earlier question. “What do you want?”
“A link,” replied Yoongi, “A bridge connecting these two things. The reason is, that while I was making music, it was very hard for me. I starved every night. It was very difficult. Even if I wrote and sold a song, I couldn’t get even 10 won.” he tried to keep his face smooth and his voice stable because he hated talking about his hardships. Maybe not to people who it could help, but to people like these, who can’t understand that everyone has their own story that led them there.
“I really hated that reality. So I too hate the smoky eyes. But doing music in Daegu was hard.” he admitted.
“So because you didn’t like the hard part-” they were vultures, picking apart his words.
“No, I wanted to make music with the artists I was with, so I ended up coming to Seoul. My dream was to do that and gain recognition with my friends, so I came here.”
“Then you’re doing it just temporarily for the money?” they were twisting his words.
“No! It’s not like that.” he rebutted, his voice raising slightly, “I am happy with where I am now. I once performed in front of two people. I can’t say I came here because I hated that, but I am happy in the reality where my voice is heard by tens of thousands of people. I am thankful for that.”
Their questioning wasn’t over, but Yoongi was done talking for the time being. A rapper admitted to not having listened to any of their music, but being curious about their group. Not without adding a jab about their stage names, of course. He asked how they all came to know each other.
Namjoon started talking.
“In my case, I first auditioned for Big Deal, where Deepflow is from.” he pointed at the rapper in question.
“Really?” he asked, disbelieving.
“Yes, I auditioned for Big Deal, and made it.” he sounded a little smug. “The second audition was performing with an artist of the company. I performed with Deep’d. Then the Untouchable guys came and asked for my contact information. I didn’t pass that audition. I wasn’t going to, but a year later they contacted me and said they knew a composer who turned out to be Bang Sihyuk.”
Yoongi didn’t know this story either.
“They asked me if I wanted to work for him. I did, and so I went.” he recalled. “At first, we weren’t a performance type of idol. We had only rappers, so there was no dancing.” Yoongi knew what happened next. “4 rappers. At first, there was only me, but then we had formed a group. We did broadcasts and wanted to show our rapping a lot. But there were complications. The members ended up backing out. So I had to dance.”
He wriggled a little, trying to get more comfortable listening to the story.
“I wanted to give up many times as well. I wondered whether this was the right path for me. I was reluctant to dance. I wanted to do underground. But as I lived as a trainee, I began to accept my situation, and open my eyes.”
It was something similar for Yoongi. He wanted to add some words and picked up a mike.
“This hyung joined through an audition that we opened for rappers. Hi-lite’s Reddy audition as well.” Someone groaned and the audience laughed.
“He got second place. The rest of them-” he was interrupted by a rapper still hung up on the Reddy mention. Namjoon smiled, bless him.
“The rest of them, well some were street casted, and others got in because of their dancing.”
“So the best and most handsome guys came together and formed Bangtan.” came a remark.
“That’s not what I said.” Once again, Yoongi admired his calm exterior. “We were in similar circumstances and had similar interests.”
Yoongi was still waiting to speak. But before he could-
“Earlier on, Suga was saying how hard it was for him. Said he couldn’t get even 10 won selling his song.” he wondered what came next. “But it is the same for all of us. It is that hard for all these people, but in the end, it’s a matter of endurance.”
Great, so now his struggles were trivialized because it was ‘normal’. Yoongi regretted opening up.
The rapper continued to share his story. How he worked part-time at a studio, but didn’t have enough money to even buy a coffee after he quit and couldn’t make it back. It was two years ago, and now had a much better like.
Yoongi empathized with the guy, but just because they didn’t have the same way of overcoming hurdles doesn’t mean he was allowed to shame Yoongi for his choice.
“4 years ago, I didn’t have money to eat either. Everyone has that kind of experience.” he said, “I wanted to change that.”
“Change that by becoming an idol?” the rapper asked, contempt dripping from his lips.
“Well it hadn’t changed for many years, so..” he trailed off.
“See, that mindset it what… You guys were on the same path as us. But you couldn’t fight the temptation.”
He clearly had no qualms dissing them plainly. No hidden meaning or double entendres, he just came out and said it. Yoongi had to hand it to him, he sure didn’t beat around the bush.
“I don’t understand why you call it a temptation.” said Yoongi, preparing a few shots of his own.
The host must have sensed something in his voice however, because he stopped him. “Let’s end it here.”
He had so much to say. And he was cut off. He hoped he never crossed paths with any of the people at that discussion ever again.
After some accusations about plagiarizing a Kanye West song, and Namjoon declaring it a misunderstanding and explaining why, the event was finally over.
He went straight to their manager and told him to cancel all such events in the future. Yes, they needed to get their names out there but getting insulted was not the way. He would never sit through that again.
Back at the dorm, dinner was silent. Namjoon or Yoongi didn’t go into details, but the others could sense their mood and kept to themselves. While Yoongi hated being the reason for a gloomy atmosphere, he couldn’t help but appreciate their efforts. What he needed was a couple of beers and some sleep. Maybe even writing a few diss tracks before, while he was in this angry head space. Emotions always produced good lyrics.
So he got out his notebook and grabbed himself a beer from the fridge, heading for the balcony. In such a small dorm, there weren’t many places with privacy, but the balcony was one of them. When he opened the door and stepped out into the frosty night, he saw he wasn’t alone.
It looked like Namjoon had the same idea as he did, because he was holding his own notebook and a pencil in his hands. They didn’t speak, simply nodded at each other and worked in silence.
Yoongi always liked working at night. It was a respite from the hectic day. The sky was always lit up beautifully by thousands of stars. The moon dropped by, sometimes at full mast, and sometimes just a sliver. Even when it was overcast, the city lights illuminated the clouds. As he worked in his studio most of the time, he didn't get to see this wonder often. Writing under twinkling lights was a treat.
He had gotten a few particularly vicious verses down when he noticed Namjoon was shivering. The idiot had come out in late November wearing an old, thin long sleeved shirt. It was no match for the wind blowing at an apartment of their height. Yoongi felt glad, all of a sudden, that Namjoon was with him. That he was with him that day, with him the months past, and will be with him in the future. A warmth spread slowly in his chest despite the cold. He fought a smile.
“Come on.” he said, standing up, “let’s get inside before you freeze your toes off.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Danger didn’t do as well as they hoped it would. They sold an okay amount of albums, but nowhere near the expenses that they had to cover. They still hadn’t gotten a single music show win. Boy In Luv had done better than Danger.
Yoongi had worked hard for this album. He really liked it. It had a lot of hip hop songs, and he had gotten to make some all by himself. Before the album, they released a song of his as a free single. He was so proud of the song. So many nights he struggled to find the right melody, beat and melody for it. The producers liked the song but said it needed work. Let Me Know was his baby. And the rap track, Cypher, was their best Cypher so far. It was fast and brutal. He was excited to perform it. Taehyung especially liked that particular Cypher.
But they couldn’t keep going on with such moderate results. If they didn’t break even soon, they would have to disband. Yoongi didn’t even want to think about it. What would he tell his parents if they did?
Still, a new album was in the works. Their boss had told him that they would be laying off the hip hop for a while, and to try something a little more mainstream. It was difficult. He didn’t know where to start. Most of his playlists and tapes were hiphop. A few of the songs he had made where more melody focused, but to make an actual pop song? That was a challenge.
One day there were called to a meeting at the company. It seemed like they had gotten the chance to perform at the MAMAs that year. It wouldn’t be just them, they would share the stage with another boy group. Yoongi knew the group, they were way more popular. Their fans wouldn’t like being compared to a lesser known group like theirs. But what could he do? The least was to make sure their performance was memorable.
It was night again. Their performance was important to all of them, so they had a meeting with their choreographer about extra special dance breaks or moves. It was mostly for Hoseok and Jimin, but they were all encouraged to challenge themselves. If not for his shoulder, Yoongi would have offered to b-boy. But they needed him as a rapper, not a dancer. He agreed.
After the meeting they made their way back to the dorm in pairs or trios. Only Hoseok and Jimin stayed back, immediately starting to come up with something new. Yoongi admired them. He was exhausted from all the excitement alone. He wanted to go back, but noticed that Namjoon walked off in a different direction. Against his first instincts to let him be, he followed him.
Namjoon was sneaking off to work in their studio. Yoongi let himself in.
“Why didn’t you go home with everyone else?” asked Yoongi.
Namjoon startled, not having noticed the other’s presence.
“Oh! You scared me.” he said, a hand on his chest.
Yoongi grinned. “Sorry.”
He rolled his eyes, knowing Yoongi wasn’t sorry at all.
Yoongi sat down in one of their chairs, and stretched his arms above his head, yawning. Namjoon watched him, waiting.
“So… why didn’t you go home?” he asked again.
Namjoon looked away, at his computer screen. “I wanted to work on my mixtape.”
“Namjoon…” sighed Yoongi. “You know I support you on this, right?”
He nodded. “I know.”
“Then listen to me when I say you need to rest right now.”
He turned to look Yoongi in the eye again. “I always need rest. There will never be time for me to work on it.”
Yoongi knew. But Namjoon wasn’t thinking straight. They needed all the rest they could get for their performance. He hated to say it, but-
“It needs to wait.”
Namjoon huffed. “It always needs to wait.” he said petulantly, mouth turning down.
“You know the MAMA performance is important, right?” Yoongi really didn’t want to be condescending.
“I
know
, hyung. And I am not going to spare my energy for the mixtape, if that’s what you are saying.”
“I’m not saying anything other than right now, we need to go home and get some sleep.”
Namjoon was getting upset. “You don’t understand. I
need
to finish it.”
Normally, Yoongi didn’t like raising his voice, but he was tired. “Since when is your mixtape more important to you then our group activities? You know that if we don’t go anywhere, neither will it, right?”
That was harsh. Yoongi regretted it the moment the words left his mouth. Namjoon looked hurt and sad.
Neither of them spoke for a while.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re an ass.” said Namjoon.
“I am.”
That made him smile a little. But he looked nowhere near convinced.
“The group is important to me.” said Namjoon.
“I know.”
“I’ve always put us before me.”
“You have.”
“I would never do anything to jeopardize the work we have done so far.”
“You wouldn’t.” Yoongi agreed.
Namjoon spun in a slow circle on his chair.
“If I don’t work on it, I might never be able to release it.”
Yoongi knew he was afraid. He felt the same way about his own mixtape. But because he wasn’t telling anybody about it till he had a few songs completed, he couldn’t tell that to Namjoon.
“You will release it, Namjoon.” Yoongi was sure of it. “Don’t worry.”
He looked forlorn.. head down and hands in his lap.
“Look, the new album is still going to take a long time to finish. After the award season, you’ll have plenty of time to work on both.” Yoongi tried to sound sensible.
Still, he didn’t say anything.
“Do you want to listen to it?” he asked in such a small voice that Yoongi almost missed it.
“Do I want to- Of course I do!” Yoongi had been trying to listen to it for months.
“Right now?” he asked, looking up and a little excited and afraid at the same time.
It was a trap. They would go longer without sleep. Yoongi hesitated.
It seemed that Namjoon sensed it because he quickly called for a compromise.
“Listen to it now, and then we’ll go home.” he assured.
Yoongi’s hands were tied. He knew that Namjoon wouldn’t come home otherwise. The boy was only stubborn when it came to making music, but he was practically a brick wall about working hard.
“... okay.”
Wordlessly, Namjoon grabbed a pair of headphones from their desk and placed it on Yoongi’s ears. While Yoongi adjusted them, he opened the file on his computer and looked to Yoongi once for confirmation before pressing play.
As the first beats filtered in through his headphones, Yoongi sank into his chair and closed his eyes.
They went home half an hour later, albeit reluctantly. Tomorrow, Yoongi reasoned, tomorrow he would tell the younger exactly how good his songs were.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Yoongi opened their poorly stocked fridge and examined their contents. Some chicken, some leftovers, a few vegetables, a loaf of bread, and a few beers. He stared at it, contemplative. But he decided against anything inside. It wasn’t a regular beer night. Tonight, the occasion called for something a little fancier. He reached on his tip toes and grabbed a red wine bottle from the overhead cabinet. They didn’t have fancy wine glasses, so he grabbed a simple glass that they normally used for water and poured. He knew he could only have one glass, they were in the middle of promotions, but was determined to toe the line by filling it to nearly the brim.
There. That was enough. After putting the bottle back in the cabinet, he went over to their new balcony. When they moved a few months ago, he was unsure. He doubted any other place would hold as many memories as this apartment. He had gotten used to it over the years, and felt like home. But he needn’t have worried. While the new apartment didn’t have as much sentimental value, it was bigger, and he no longer shared a bedroom with six others. There were more bathrooms, and more space. Even their balcony was bigger.
Said balcony had come with two garden chairs and a small table. The managers had noticed his and Namjoon’s affinity to write outside and had taken the initiative to get them some furniture. Yoongi appreciated it.
He settled in one of the chairs and took a slow sip of wine. He then set it carefully on the table and leaned back, closing his eyes. He wanted to relive every moment.
It had been a hell of a week. They had their comeback, which was always hectic, filled with dressing up, performing, dressing down, moving from place to place, variety show filming, interviews and more. He had grown used to not having time to sit and breathe. Their performances were always intense. Filming music show appearances took the whole day. They slept only a few hours every night. All of them were usually quiet in the small moments in between. In dressing rooms waiting for a signal, or in the car while stuck in traffic.
The difference between this comeback and the ones before it was that this album was actually
charting
. And charting significantly higher than their previous albums.
This album was experimental for Yoongi. He was used to their hip hop music. He was good at making such songs. Their more melodious songs had been made by their producers. But this album had a different concept. They were leaving their hip hop image behind. Now, their songs were all pop songs with strong melodies that took over their beat focused style of production. When their main producer explained the concept, he had been a little apprehensive, a little nervous. Would he be able to make good pop songs?
But as time went on, he found himself liking it. He had a tiny keyboard and his own studio now, and it helped him compose new melodies. Their lyrical content wasn’t much different. They were still up to him and the other members. It was about growing up. All around him, he could see the members growing as well. To his surprise, Jungkook and Taehyung submitted melodies for a song as well. To his even bigger surprise, they were chosen for the album.
The songs had smaller rap parts, but Yoongi didn’t mind. He was proud of Jungkook, Jimin, Taehyung and Seokjin for improving their singing. He wanted them to be heard as clearly as he was. The rap parts that he did have, were less aggressive, more melancholic. Both Namjoon and him were used to fast paced rapping, so it was a big change to them. Hoseok took to this new style incredibly well. He felt like their group was more balanced now. They were all getting time to shine.
It wasn’t all slow songs, luckily. There were two songs that were upbeat and had a very catchy beat. The rap parts were also longer and faster. The variety was good, thought Yoongi. Growing up was never one dimensional. It had many different moods associated with it.
Before it’s release, they were all wondering whether their fans would like their new sound. The farthest they had strayed before was their song Just One Day, and it had gotten generally good reception, but this was an entire album. Yoongi hoped not too many people would be turned away.
So when the album charted, it was a huge relief for them. Finally they had found some success. Some of their fans complained, of course they did, but they gained so many new ones that it didn’t matter. Their title song was a hit. They received 1st place nominations for music shows. It was more than they had dared to hope.
But the reason this week in particular had Yoongi drinking wine at 1 am on his balcony was that this week, they weren’t just nominated. This week, they had gotten their first actual win on a music show.
He can’t remember much. It had all happened so fast. One minute they were all standing at the front of the stage, tired, wanting to go home, and the next Namjoon was being handed a trophy and confetti was coming down around them like glittery rain. Hoseok looked at him in disbelief. He must have had an equally surprised expression on his face. He was standing behind Namjoon and was most likely not seen on camera. It allowed him to grin to himself as much as he wanted while the Namjoon rattled off a few thank yous.
As the host wrapped up and all the artists started leaving, they bowed to them, as if on autopilot. He himself would have gotten off the stage if it weren’t for their song starting to play as an encore. Right then, he didn’t care about what anyone else saw. He was happy and it showed clearly.
Because his rap was the introductory verse, he composed himself somehow and started rapping. He saw Namjoon still having an incredulous look on his face. It was so funny he almost laughed out loud in the middle of his verse. Somehow, they got through the encore stage. He was on a high, and for once didn’t have any qualms about being on camera, or in front of strangers. His words were sincere when he thanked his fans. They liked their song, liked it enough that it came first on a music show.
He was in daze the entire time afterwards, all the way till they reached the dorm. All around him, the members couldn’t stop grinning and hugging each other. Jungkook, Taehyung and Hoseok had accosted him in the elevator at the SBS building. Their managers were happy too, but they told them to lay off the celebrations till the weekend. They still had music show performances. He agreed but couldn’t help the elation that was flooding him.
Even now, thinking about it, Yoongi couldn’t stop a smile spreading across his face. He could remember how desperately Namjoon wanted to win. The recognition was important to him. For Yoongi, this album was enough. It was good, better than he could have hoped. It represented his hard work and efforts at finding a new side of himself. But for Namjoon, he needed the win. They had gotten so many negative reviews. It wasn’t enough for him just to have fans and be able to perform. Yoongi didn’t blame him. If not for the fact that he was protecting himself by not hoping for much, he would be the same.
But no matter how much they dreamed about winning, nothing prepared them for how it felt to actually win. To have their song playing at the encore, being surrounded by confetti. Holding the trophy in their hands singing along with their fans. It was unlike anything else. Yoongi knew that once he had experienced it, he would work even harder to feel that way again. It was addicting, winning. The euphoria pulsing through your veins was addicting. Feeling on the top of the world was addicting.
By some miracle, Yoongi didn’t need to wait long to feel that way again. He didn’t even need to wait for another comeback. Just two days later, they won again.
It had been a stupid promise, because they didn’t think they would win again. But they did. So he resigned and let someone apply lipstick messily on his face. He didn’t even care anymore about it. They'd won. Twice.
Yoongi opened his eyes and took another sip from his glass of wine. Their second win had been more emotional, and he needed some liquid warmth if he wanted to relive it.
Their first win had been happy. Maybe it was because it could have been a small anomaly. It didn’t hit them how significant it was. Either the sleep deprivation, or the mindless happiness blinded them to the significance of winning at a music show. But the second win, that meant something. They had arrived in the scene. They had a significant amount of fans. Their song just won twice in rapid succession. It was a sign of their increasing popularity.
It hit them then. Jimin couldn’t stop the tears from escaping. Yoongi knew he hated crying on camera, and was probably feeling embarrassed. He wanted to say something to comfort him, but Namjoon beat him the punch.
“There is not Bangtan without Jimin.” he said, smiling a little and looking down at Jimin fondly.
He couldn’t have said it better. Namjoon didn’t know it, or maybe he did, but Jimin had often struggled with his place within the group. He often felt like he didn’t fit in, like he was a useless piece. So Namjoon saying what he did was the best thing for him to hear at that moment.
Jimin hung his head as fresh tears welled up, and thankfully the camera stopped rolling then.
He looked at Namjoon. Somehow, he was much more perceptive than Yoongi had given him credit for. He’d never realized how much Namjoon cared for them all. Objectively, he knew that Namjoon loved them as much as he did, but because he often had to play the mediator and not take anyone’s side, it was easy for him to forget that Namjoon loved them all as much as he did. Yoongi cared for them all in his own quiet way, but they all knew he did. Namjoon had it worse. None of them knew how much he had to stick his neck out during negotiations.
The next time he felt annoyed or angry at something he did, Yoongi vowed to be more considerate of his position. After all, Namjoon was younger than him, and call him old fashioned, but needed to look after him the same way he did about Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook.
A chilly breeze passed him and he shivered a little. This apartment was so high up that even though it was May, the air around him was cool. He took another sip, this time to warm up a little. It worked. Instantly, he felt a heat spreading through him, to the tips of his fingers and down to his toes.
This week would have been crazy enough with two music show wins. But it seemed that fate was making up for all the bad fortune of the past two years. Because not only did they win a third time, they also charted on a Billboard chart.
Their third win was also emotional. Jimin told him later that Namjoon cried. When he asked why, Jimin told him that he was telling a camera how much Namjoon had worried about them all, when he suddenly hung his head and dabbed a few tears off his eyes. The feeling of relief must have hit him like a truck on hearing Jimin’s words.
Would it happen again? They were all wondering the same thing deep down. They had worked too hard to be a one hit wonder. But then some of their fears were alleviated when not their song, but their album charted on the Billboard World Albums Chart. People liked their music, and not just in Korea, but everywhere. It had been surprising enough when Hoseok and Seokjin were recognized while in America a year ago, but their international fanbase had increased.
It was sweet, the fruit of their labours. Yoongi had always known that they wouldn’t have it easy. Their company was small, for one, and they wrote and produced so much of their music themselves. He had been afraid that no one would like his music. He tried being realistic for so long that he didn’t realize that it was still possible that they would do well. The chance was slim, but there was a chance. Wasn’t it the reason he became a trainee in the first place? Because of that chance, however minimal? Sometime after his tenth time of explaining that he hadn’t done well yet, he had forgotten it.
As Yoongi sat there on his balcony, shivering slightly but warm with wine and happiness, he felt optimistic. Things were looking up for them. They were going on their first major world tour later in the year. He and Namjoon were already working on songs for their next album.
There was trust between them. Two years ago, he had been struck with the realization that Namjoon had his back. He had tried to make Namjoon see the same thing. Pop song making was new to the both of them, but they made it work. When they were presented with those tiny shorts that were supposed to be their stage costumes, Yoongi caught Namjoon’s eye and they had shared a look. The same ‘what the heck are we doing’ expression. He knew what it meant now. They were finally on the same page.
Yoongi smiled to himself and downed the rest of his glass in one go. He stood up and stretched. No matter how much he wanted to continue reminiscing, he had schedules to attend. They wouldn’t wait for him to finish being sappy. So he went back inside their apartment, returned the glass after washing it and flopped onto his bed next to a sleeping Seokjin. Out of all the things he missed about their old home, Namjoon’s snoring definitely wasn’t one of them.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Yoongi looked out into the ocean of twinkling lights in front of him. It reached as far as his eye could see. His sight was the only sense working properly. In his ears, all he heard was a rush of white noise. Every patch of skin on his body was numb, as if he had been electrocuted. He wasn’t eating anything at the moment, but he probably wouldn’t have been able to taste it anyway.
Slowly, he started registering small things about his surroundings. He was standing, for once, wearing some sort of suit with a red jacket. On his left stood Hoseok, similarly decked out in fancy clothes. On his right was Namjoon and he was talking into a microphone.
Microphone? He looked down, they were all standing on some sort of stage. Huh. Namjoon was holding something in his hands. It was an award.
Suddenly Yoongi was reminded of an evening of his and Namjoon's.
They were sitting in front of their television, back in their first apartment. It had been just him and Namjoon then. The MAMAs were on. They were sharing a beer.
It was early in their friendship, they didn’t know each other that well yet. They were still just two boys who were thrown together because they shared the same dream. That bond, trust, and love they share today hadn’t been there yet.
But that evening they were content sitting together and watching the show. Both of them knew the other was thinking about performing, but they didn’t say anything, fearing it to be a silly dream. After all, they hadn’t even debuted yet; they were nowhere close to even
attending.
Maybe it was silly, maybe it was too far fetched, but they were both dreaming about it anyway.
And that was when it hit him. It
was
silly. It
was
far fetched. Yet here they both stood, giving an acceptance speech for a Daesang. And not just any Daesang, but Artist Of The Year. There were so many talented artists nominated this year, but somehow they had won. And it wasn't even their first Daesang, having won the first one just two days before.
And Namjoon was standing there, giving the acceptance speech. Namjoon, who had thought it was silly as well. Maybe two years ago they came to accept that they were popular enough to perform. Last year they had won an award, and they'd been surprised. And this year it was a Daesang.
All of a sudden he couldn’t hold back the flood of emotion rushing through him. He felt his eyes tear up and quickly covered his face with his hands. It was useless of course, the hundreds of cameras pointed at them would capture this moment forever and never let him forget it. But for once, he didn’t give a fuck.
Winning a Daesang wasn’t just difficult, it was impossible. No group from a smaller company had even won one. Bigger and more powerful companies used their infinite influence to make sure one of their artists won. They liked to keep things between them. Other groups were nominated, naturally, but it was an open secret that the nominated was the furthest anyone could make it.
Later, he would realize the true significance of their success, but in that moment all he thought about was all of them working so hard to get somewhere, and even then making it was a surprise. They couldn’t have done it without each other.
He felt a pair of arms embrace him. Hoseok, ever the caring one. His eyes were wet, but was somehow holding himself together. There were countless times when his demons dragged him down under. Hoseok had been the first one to look through and pull him out. His own never-ending drive had given Yoongi the strength to go on so many times.
It was funny, Hoseok used to look up to him so much, but the truth was that he was much better than Yoongi.
Another arm patted him them. Namjoon’s speech was over. He stumbled his way into a group hug. Now that it was free, everyone could see the tears streaming down his face. But it was only the opinion of the six boys around him that mattered, and they knew him better than he knew himself.
Someone wiped his tears and they slowly made their way backstage. A staff member handed him a tissue to wipe his nose.
He looked up to find himself standing in front of Namjoon.
Namjoon, his best friend. It was funny, if they hadn’t come together to be a part of BTS, they might have never met. Or they would have known each other simply as Gloss and Runch Randa. He would have missed out on the six most important relationships his life. He would have missed out on Namjoon.
When they first met, Yoongi never dreamed he would come to care so much about the rapper. About all of them, but Namjoon in particular. The others, they all knew him and understood different parts of him. Jimin understood his need to spend hours perfecting the tiny details. Seokjin understood his need for calm surroundings and difficulties they face as they grow older. Hoseok understood his struggles writing and producing. Taehyung gets his mixed feelings about home; while Daegu is made up of many good memories, it was also constricting in a way Seoul isn’t. He and Jungkook share a sense of humour, and he likes taking care of the younger the same way his own brother cared for him.
But Namjoon got every single part of him, and more. They say that he is more than the sum of his parts, and Namjoon got that extra part of him as well. Over the years, they had built such a bond that they always knew what the other was thinking. They could communicate with simple looks and expressions.
Whenever Yoongi needed a second opinion on a piece, it was Namjoon he sent his work to. If Namjoon had trouble coming up with a melody because he didn’t know to play the piano, he came to Yoongi. If the younger ones were up to their usual antics, they knew if they got Namjoon to join it, Yoongi would too. And if Yoongi saw they were driving Namjoon crazy, he stepped up and dealt with it.
They made a great team. During interviews, Namjoon handled the delicate questions, the perfect diplomat, and Yoongi answered questions pertaining to their music. On stage, they leaned on each other, adding ad libs and hyping each other up to the screaming crowd. Off stage, when it was time to get serious, Namjoon looked to him for support. He used to be hesitant to let loose and enjoy himself, and so was Namjoon. They both learned to relax occasionally, take a breather, together.
Namjoon was the first member of their family.
It was no secret that some of them were closer to each other. Taehyung and Jimin had been inseparable since they met. They were loud and obnoxious and mischievous. On the other hand, Namjoon and Yoongi’s bond was much subtler. Instead of manifesting in pulling pranks on others and sticking to each other’s side constantly, it did so in the numerous cups of coffee they bought for each other. In their practical birthday gifts to each other. In Yoongi saving a melody of Namjoon’s that the producers had rejected and presenting it himself a while later and it making it’s way into their album. In Namjoon making sure everyone knew Yoongi’s birthday and celebrated it, even though Yoongi always acted annoyed. In Yoongi quietly fixing or replacing anything that fell victim to Namjoon’s clumsiness.
They worked. It wasn’t easy, and wasn’t instantaneous, but they got there. All their late night conversations were bricks that formed the bridge between them. They met in the middle, and settled themselves firmly there.
Maybe all that was also running through Namjoon’s minding as he watched Yoongi talk to a camera that popped up out of nowhere. Or maybe he just thought he needed it. Never mind the reason, but he surged forward and engulfed Yoongi is a giant hug.
They had hugged before, but it had never been quite as tearful or public as this one.
Even though Yoongi hadn’t had a chance to properly see his face through the haze of his own tears, he knew Namjoon was crying as well.
Reminiscent of how they all got together, it wasn’t just Namjoon and Yoongi hugging for long. The others quickly joined in and it left Yoongi in the center of the love-fest. Laughs and sniffs rang out from the jumbled mess that they were.
Only one thought rang through Yoongi’s mind: He was right where he wanted to be.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Namjoon was fiddling with his shirt. It was supposed to be tucked into the high-waisted pants he was wearing, and he was trying to get it to lie flat inside. When one side was flat, another would become a little rumpled. A stylist was watching fondly. After a few more minutes of frustration, he huffed and gave up, looking imploringly at the woman. She smiled and helped him out.Yoongi was watching him from where he was getting his hair done.It was a big day for all of them. There had been no lack of big days for them recently. Once they got over one, an even bigger day would come. Every time, Yoongi was nervous. Maybe a little more nervous than the time before. They were climbing new heights, but Yoongi kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. The smallest mistake, one wrong word, or a wrong time, wrong place kind of photo, something to derail them completely. He was acutely aware that the higher they climbed, the bigger the fall would be. And the apprehension grew in his gut at each bigger day.He wasn’t the only who felt it. The mixed feelings that their success brought them. Happiness and pride, with fear and increased scrutiny. But perhaps he felt it the most. He knew what rock bottom felt like. And he never wanted to go there again.Shirt finally tucked in, Namjoon picked up his glasses and settled them on his nose. His eyes were a little red from lack of sleep.Their large number of big days had instilled more confidence. He preferred to look back on all their successful big days, rather than forward into the void where there might not be any ahead. It hadn’t been an easy outlook for him to adopt, but it grew slowly, like a plant in his chest. A plant of confidence; of hope.Yoongi had come to terms with them getting famous. He accepted the fact that dreams that had seemed so far off, practically impossible, were coming true for them.A year ago, when the interviewer asked them what the next step was, it Yoongi had answered with what he had thought was a joke. The pink sweater wearing guy had taken it seriously, insisting that it would come true for sure. Even the other members had been surprised at his answer. Namjoon had hidden his face in embarrassment.But there they were. It was a testament to their fans presence and insistence that had made them so hard to ignore and gotten them an invite to the Grammys. The actual Grammys. The most prestigious international music award ceremony. Only the best of the best get to attend.Their hotel room was packed with managers, stylists and make-up artists getting them ready for the show. He could hear the members practicing their English all around him. It was important, if they wanted to communicate or be taken seriously as artists.He wasn’t worried. Years of listening to American artists rap had helped him pick up a word or two. And if he couldn’t think of anything, he’ll just nod and smile. Namjoon usually had to carry the weight of interviews in America.Namjoon. Others often thought that he carried their band on his shoulders. That he was above them. He insisted that the only reason he would be above them was because they carried him. Yoongi smiled fondly. He was always undermining his importance to them.“Namjoon!” he called out.He looked up, head whipping around, from where he was adjusting his blazer while mumbling some standard English answers. When he found Yoongi looking at him he raised his eyebrows. “Hmm?”“You’ll do great today.” he said.Namjoon gave a shy little laugh and ducked his head in thanks. He understood the unsaid ‘best of luck’ and the reason Yoongi didn’t say it. Yoongi knew hearing the words made Namjoon even more nervous.And Yoongi’s fears about their future were soothed for now. With someone like Namjoon in his life, with the other members around him, he’ll be fine with their fate. They have his back, and he has theirs. They’ll get through the Grammys, their new album release, and everything that comes after. They’ll get through enlistment, and being replaced by another group. They’ll get through becoming pseudo-civilians again, getting married, having kids.He knows that they’ll be together, even if separated physically. Always.