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He created the Garden. That is to say, He created the concept of it. He was very good at the general notion of things, and highly reliant on others for giving structure to said notions. This was precisely the reason Metatron was a formless wonder. His grasp on the physical realm was…tenuous, at best, probably because the physical realm hadn’t existed until He thought about it. And He had only been thinking about it for about a minute, although the length of said minute was currently under review. He created the Garden, but Jehoel made it. It was Jehoel who made the grass grow, who made the vines twist round the trees towards the newly-formed sky, who entertained himself immensely with the invention of orchids, who gave each root a firm place in the soil, and who decided that it wouldn’t be any fun whatsoever if pomegranate seeds were too easy to extract. From the garden Jehoel was only tangentially aware of the mutterings and whisperings making their way around. The idea of rebellion was just being invented, but he was preoccupied with deciding on the colour bananas should turn when they were ripe. And if he felt…frustration with the manner that He decided to place a massive apple tree right in the centre of the garden, the garden he had done no more than take a cursory glance at since its formation, with not so much as a ‘Thank you, Jehoel’ or ‘I love what you’ve done with those, what did you call them? Hibiscus?’, well. And if he were to quietly mention said frustrations to the bright archangel strolling through the garden one day? Not that he was ranting, you understand, he couldn’t be happier with his work, quite content, only don’t you think it’s funny that He got up and just decided to invent days, and if He wanted to invent weather and seasons he could at least have given people a little forewarning so they had time to arrange something for the cacti, you couldn’t just pour that much water on them all in one go for….Something’s sake. It was just funny, that He proposed this whole project, and “Everyone has their part to play” but when it comes to actually doing anything He’s “Busy” and “It’s all part of my Ineffable Plan” ‘What the...ahem, what does Ineffable mean, anyway?’ ‘This is precisely what I’m talking about. He’s keeping things from us. From me’ the Archangel’s light dulled, almost imperceptibly, but no light, or lack thereof, escapes an angel’s notice. ‘Are you quite alright?’ ‘You know I really don’t think I am. He says he loves us all, but it doesn’t feel like that. He feels…distant’ ‘Can I confess something?’ ‘Of course’ ‘Sometimes, in here, when I’m working, I can’t feel Him. It’s like He isn’t here at all’ The Archangel’s light dimmed again ‘Exactly’ A sense passed over Jehoel that, despite His general inattention of late, this was perhaps not the best conversation to be having out in the open like this. He had the distinct impression one could get themselves into a lot of trouble having conversations. ‘Would you like a tour?’ The Archangel gleamed. ‘I would love one. I was admiring these in particular, what are they?’ ‘Well, generally speaking, that’s a flower, and specifically…I haven’t named it yet. Nothing seems to quite fit. I’m thinking something to do with the time of day, morning something-or-other. Morning glory, maybe, or morning star, after you’ ‘After me?’ ‘It sounds prettier than Lucifer. No offence, I mean, it’s a lovely name, it just doesn't quite suit' ‘None taken’ the Archangel laughed. ‘This has been delightful, but I really must be going, I was only supposed to be dropping off a flaming sword for that one guarding the Eastern Gate. I’ll stop by again sometime’ ‘Oh yes, of course. Welcome whenever you like’ But the Archangel had already flickered away. Jehoel’s gaze turned to the large patch of moss he had been working on prior to Lucifer’s arrival, and felt the strangest urge to lay down on it and close his eyes. He decided to give it a shot.
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Despite common belief, it didn't hurt in the slightest when he fell from Heaven[1]In fact, he hadn't the slightest idea he had fallen until he woke up.
Waking up was in itself a new experience. Discovering that he was in an entirely new form, a great deal wrigglier and closer to the ground than his previous form, was another. He heard someone announce that they were now going by the name 'Beezlebub' and that from now on they were to be referred to as 'Lord of the Flies'. Pretentious twat.That was also new. Could never have used a word like that in Heaven. It was this which tipped him off that this habitat had drastically changed. He had forgotten, while sleeping, to experience sensations, so he had no idea just how hot it was. The pansies wouldn't like that at all.The pansies.'Fuck shit wank bollocks bugger cock and pisssssssss' [2]He gained some small satisfaction from the way his new form dragged out the s sound. That was satisfying. Hissing. No. Falling from heaven didn't hurt. Not in the physical sense.'What it issss, is fucking annoying' he griped, bursting[3] into the room where Lucifer was busy setting up a throne and drawing up blueprints for roads paved with insurance salesmen, whatever the Hell they were going to be.
'What?' Lucifer sighed, with so much exasperation he inadvertently created three deep sea vents
'He took my garden! All I did was invent napsssss!'
'It was nothing to do with the nap, He banished everyone who had any association with me' Lucifer replied, poring over his paperwork 'Nice work on that though, Sloth's really taken the idea and run with it. I should give you a commendation for that'
'We're still doing commendationssssss, here?'
'Of course. I'm hoping it will create an unhealthy sense of competition' he grinned, but the grin was nothing like the gleam of his old form. This was...predatory.
'Brilliant. Jussssst perfect'
'It is, isn't it??'
'I wasn't being ssssssincere'
'So you just....said something you didn't mean?'
'Yes, I ssssuppose I did'
'Inspired! Everyone should do that, all the time. Immediately'
'Won't that lessssen the impact?'
'I don't give a shit about the impact. Now bugger off. Hell isn't going to run itself and I don't have time to stand around listening to you whinging. Go and find something useful to do'
'Thanksssssss'
'See, still has loads of impact. Go out and make some trouble. I've got this new idea I want to try out called torture and it's going to be agony. If you're still here in the next minute I'm going to try it out on you first'
He doesn't have to be told twice. Slithering out of the room, he made his way to the highest point of Hell he could reach, determined to find out whether He had made any tasteless additions to the garden in his absence, only to find himself sliding directly into a constantly-moving mass of flies.
'Look at you, crawling around on the floor like that. Sad'
'It's not sad. It's flexible'
Beezlebub scoffed
'Alright, scaly'
'Don't call me that'
'Fine. Crawly it is'
'Fuck you too'
As it turns out, a being made entirely made of flies is not very good at catching an agile scaled creature who is essentially a sentient rope. Crawly also found that he was conveniently small enough to creep through a hole in the roof of hell, and went to find out the scale of the damage to his garden.From the outside, He didn't seem to have done much at all. Of course, this was primarily because there was now a massive wall surrounding the periphery, flanked with more angels bearing flaming swords. If a snake could smile, he would have positively beamed at the site of the Eastern gate, with gaping bars that were no obstacle whatsoever for his new body. It was nice to know demon life had some perks. The angel guarding said gate was lost in thought as he approached, and wouldn't have noticed him if he'd sunk his teeth into his neck [4] Horticulturally, nothing was amiss. The orchids were still as colourful as ever, the scent of jasmine and honeysuckle enveloped him, and he was currently hiding under the shade provided by a towering palm tree.
'Thank...ssssssomething' he hissed in relief, and made to leave before he could be caught, only to sense movement to his left. He turned to look.It was infested.He had infested. His garden. With these....humans. Crawly glared at them as well as a snake, who has no eyelids, can do. What were they doing?? The answer was, very little of anything. Crawly shivered as he heard them talking, renaming all of his hard work. Their names weren't even good. He wasn't going to stand for this.Wrapping himself round a tree, he positioned himself on a branch just above the woman's shoulder, following her gaze towards a plant he'd never got round to naming before the Fall.
'You know, snake plant has a nice ring to it' he offered, flicking his tongue towards her politely.
To her credit, she didn't scream or look startled, only a little wary.
'Why should I listen to you, serpent?'
'Because I know a lot about these things'
Her eyes lit up, reminding him of Lucifer before the Fall.
'Did you eat it?'
'What on...what on earth are you talking about?'
'The apple'
'I'm sorry what, the apple?'
'That one. He told us never to eat it, because it has the Knowledge'
'Plant knowledge? All knowledge? What knowledge in particular?'
'The Knowledge of the difference between good and evil'
'Ha! That's ridiculous. An apple isn't going to teach you the difference between good and evil, don't you know that already?'
'No!'
'Well if you know that that tree has the knowledge of good and evil then it follows that must be aware that good and evil exist, yes?'
'Well, yes'
'And He said evil is bad, right?'
'Yes'
'Then how are you meant to know if you're being good or evil if you don't have the knowledge? What if you slip up by accident and you had no idea?'
'You're right! What if I do the wrong thing, but I don't know it's wrong?'
'Exactly'
'I've got to tell Adam immediately' she scampered into the trees, Crawly slithering behind her and coiling himself around the infamous apple tree.
'But He told us never to eat it, Eve!' Crawly heard a protest through the foliage
'Yes but what if this is all a test, and we're meant to eat it so we can make the right choices?'
'Well, when you put it like that...'
'I can't reach any of them. Give me a boost, would you? That one looks ripe'
[1] Although it did give him an idea for a truly appalling pick-up line. He'd have to remember that for later.
[2] When one suddenly finds themselves granted the power of profanity, one should use it liberally and with great feeling.
[3] Bursting into a room when you are a snake can only be achieved by the most Extra of entities. Fortunately, he was one of these entities
[4]He made a mental note to try that later.
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It was one thing to be called Crawly by your former-peer-in-Heaven-turned-Prince-of-Hell. It was quite another to have it bellowed [5] at you by the Divine Presence.There was a lot of blustering about being cursed for eternity and eating dust, and something unpleasant about heels crushing heads. Crawly refrained from pointing out that unless he was very much mistaken he still had free will and could eat whatever he pleased, and wasn't it a little hypocritical for Him to start on about crushing heads and so forth, he figured that was more Lucifer's forte.Crawly awarded himself a commendation for his self-restraint.Then the Divine Presence turned his wrath (and Crawly certainly wasn't going to point out that that there was a young demon with a very prominent vein protruding from their forehead and a tendency to mutter about something called revenge who was really very good at wrath and could probably give Him some tips) onto the humans.It was a little unfair, Crawly thought, to infest a garden with a new creature and then drive them out and punish them for doing precisely what he put them there to do. Now on the wrong side of the garden wall, his first thought was to slip back down to Hell and rant about the whole affair to Lucifer, who was sure to sympathise, when it occurred to him that he was probably not sure to sympathise at all, and would in fact be much more likely to test out that new torture idea he had been rambling about the last time they spoke. Crawly was open to new experiences up to a point, but he had the feeling that this would not be one of those fun new experiences.Nevertheless, a former-gardener-turned-fallen-angel-turned-serpent must vent their frustrations on a regular basis [6], and Crawly went in search of any ear willing to stay still long enough for him to hiss at it.He was rewarded with the sight of the very same angel who he had snuck past on his way into the garden, who was currently pacing back and forth [7], wringing his hands with an expression Crawly had felt on his own face on occasion, but had never seen before. Coiling himself around the bars of the Eastern Gate, he slid onto the angel's shoulder.'Well. That went down like a lead balloon'The angel shot a foot into the air, snapping his head to stare, wide-eyed, at the demon currently draped over his neck, then turning his gaze to the sky, where the first raindrops outside of Eden were beginning to saunter vaguely towards them. He gently lowered himself back onto the ground, pulling his wings above his head to cover his hair.'I'm sorry' he said politely. 'You startled me. What did you say?''I said, that went down like a lead balloon,' Crawly repeated.'Oh, yes' the angel replied, his eyes scanning the desert for the humans, who were now well on their way across the dunes.'It was a bit of an over-reaction, don't you think? I mean, first offence and all that. I don't see what the fuss is about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway''It must be bad' reasoned the angel, who sounded suspiciously as though he agreed with Crawly, and was troubled by the fact. 'Otherwise you wouldn't have stuck your tail in it, what was your name?''Crawly' he scowled to the best of his serpentine ability and made a mental note to change his name to something more him.'It wasn't exactly intentional. I mean yes, they said 'Get up there and make some trouble', but I was only there to check on the pansies. I wasn't planning on sticking around...really...''Yes, but you're a demon. I'm not sure it's actually possible for you to do good' the angel replied, with the tone of someone who is telling themselves a comforting lie and finding it immensely relaxing. 'It's written in your genes. Or scales, or whatever. Nothing personal, you understand'
‘Of courssssse not. You have to admit it’s a bit of a pantomime though. I mean, pointing out the Tree and carving, actually carving ‘Don’t Touch’ in big letters? Does He have any idea how bad that is for the Tree? I mean, why not put the sign next to it? Or put the Tree on top of a high mountain or a long way off? Makes you wonder what he’s really planning’‘Best not to speculate, really’ said the angel, fidgeting. ‘You can’t second-guess ineffability, I always say. There’s Right, and there’s Wrong. If you do Wrong when you’re told to do Right, you deserve to be punished. Er.’‘Well, He has a very low threshold for what counts as Wrong’ Crawly muttered.They sat in embarrassed silence. Crawly turned his head to look wistfully through the gate at the flowers, currently being battered by raindrops which had moved from sauntering vaguely to running at full tilt towards the ground. The angel went back to wringing his hands.His empty hands.‘Hold on. Didn’t you have a flaming sword?’‘Er,’ said the angel. Guilt flickered across his face, then came back and camped there. Then decided that it was really worth investing in something more permanent and converted into an expression which was the worried equivalent of a stationary caravan.‘You did, didn’t you? It flamed like anything’‘Er, well…’‘It looked very impressive, I thought. I saw an Archangel with one just like it once’‘Yes, but, well…’Crawly laughed, which by human standards sounded more like a very bouncy hiss.‘You lost it, you lost it’ he crowed [8].‘No! Not exactly lost, more-‘‘Well?’The angel looked miserable, and Crawly felt a flicker of something resembling pity, although he was struggling to remember exactly how to feel it.‘Igaveitaway’‘I’m sorry, you what?’‘I gave it away!’ he squeaked. ‘I had to. They looked so cold, poor things, and she’s expecting already, and what with the vicious animals out there, and the storm coming, I thought, well, where’s the harm, so I just said, look if you come back there’s going to be an almighty row, but you might be needing this sword, so here it is, don’t bother to thank me, just do everyone a big favour and don’t let the sun go down on you here’He turned his now-constantly-worried face to Crawly and smiled.‘That was the best course, wasn’t it?’‘I’m not sure it’s actually possssssssible for you to do evil’ Crawly replied, very much enjoying the range of situations he could use sarcasm for.Sarcasm to which the angel was entirely oblivious.‘Oh I do hope so. I really do hope so. It’s been worrying me all afternoon’They watched the rain, Crawly curling himself more tightly around the angels neck, determined to keep himself well away from the water.‘Funny thing is, I keep wondering whether the apple might have been the right thing to do after all. A demon can get into real trouble doing the right thing’ he flicked his tail towards the angels face. ‘Funny if we both got it wrong, eh? If I did the good thing, and you did the bad one?’‘Not really’Crawly looked back at the rain.‘No’ he thought of Lucifer, and what exactly ‘torture’ might entail. ‘I suppose not’Dark clouds raced above them, heralded by flashes of lightning. The animals, who Crawly had never paid much attention to except to shoo them away from the pumpkins, cowered from the storm. Far, far away, in the very malnourished looking woods outside of the garden, something bright and fiery flickered among the trees.If He was going to send a storm, he might have warned the angels left outside the gate that they were going to end up like drowned water rats. Crawly nudged the angel with the tip of his head.‘You never told me your name, angel’‘Oh. Aziraphale’‘Well, Aziraphale. Would you mind if I stayed here, just for a while? A serpent can get into a lot of trouble, going out in weather like this’‘I suppose so’ Aziraphale shivered, and as Crawly’s tongue flickered out, the air tasted like a mixture of thunder and regret.He coiled tighter around Aziraphale’s neck, and closed his eyes.Oh yes. He was definitely onto something with naps.[5] The Divine Presence did not lower itself to anything as tangible as bellowing, considering the vibration of air particles to be beneath Him, but it is the closest mortal approximation to what he did
[6] This is because snakes do not have bladders, which also happens to be the space where they would store all their frustrations if they could, and thus have no choice but to rant frequently and at great length. If you have a serpent friend, show them you care by letting them complain for at least twelve hours straight
[7] Pacing is very difficult with wings
[8] Crowing. Now that was him
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'Come on. If you grow nice and tall for me I'll move you to a spot right in the middle of the sun' Crowley whispered, pleading with a juvenile tomato.The plant wilted defiantlyCrowley glanced around the room before leaning closer'I've given you all the food and water your little heart could desire, but I need you to grow big and strong so I can harvest your fruit to throw at people with stupid opinions. I'll be so proud of you if you do' he wheedledAt this, the tomato dried up beyond recognition and shed multiple leaves.'Bugger'. He turned, eyes flashing, to glare at its neighbours, who were looking similarly worse for wear.'Don't even think about dying on me, ' he hissed. 'I give you the power of photosynthesis and this is how you repay me? If you don't buck your ideas up I'll cut you down myself'Even the thyme shivered, and did their utmost to look less peaky.'That's better. I have to go, but if I catch any of you looking anything less than verdant when I get back, rest assssssssured, you'll be in the basement with no water faster than you can say chlorophyll' he straightened up and strode out of the room, slamming the door behind him [9].....................................
He found Aziraphale perched on a rock overlooking the settlement, wings spread wide behind him in the sunlight. Crowley felt an itch at the top of his imitation-human spine at the sight of the dishevelled feathers, and the thought of running his fingers through them flitted through his imitation-human brain, just for a second.'Angel' 'Crowley'He settled himself beside the angel, spreading his entire body across the warm stone and letting his eyes flicker shut'I didn't come here to watch you sleep' said Aziraphale, testily. Crowley opened one eye and peered up at him, squinting in the glow that surrounded him'Oh? What was it then? Just the pleasure of my company?' he yawned'There's a storm coming''Oh for Something's sake. Another one? Wasn't all that ice business enough?'Aziraphale didn't look at him, staring down at the humans scurrying between the houses below'It's a flood this time'Crowley shot up and stared at Aziraphale, forcing his eyes to ignore the glare'A what?!''He's going to flood the earth''How...badly...is he going to...''All of it! He's wiping it out. Everything, Crowley. Now you see what giving humans the knowledge of good and evil has done for them!'Crowley held very firmly to the belief that if he continued to stare at Aziraphale without moving or blinking, then he would start laughing and tell him it was all just a very tasteless joke.Aziraphale was not in the business of making tasteless jokes'So what? He's just going to drown them?'Aziraphale turned to look at him, eyes glimmering.He nodded slowly'He can't do that. It's obscene' Crowley tossed his long dark hair and turned away from the angel, turning his unblinking gaze to the humans. After a pocket-sized eternity of silence, he leapt to his feet.'I mean really. What for? They haven't done anything!''There's been incidents, Crowley. You know this. You're the one who keeps tempting them!' Aziraphale snapped'So this is what, my fault?''You tempted Eve to eat the fruit. Without that, she and Adam would never have been banished. Cain and Abel would have grown up in a more stable environment, Cain wouldn't have killed his brother and started this whole messy affair of murder and violence in the first place''I had nothing to do with anything but the apple' Crowley hissed 'They came up with the violence all by themselves''What about the rest of it?'Crowley laughed'What? You mean the fermentation? They like it! It's fun for them!''And gets you a few more souls for your side''Well, yeah. I have quotas. I have to meet them somehow. You know how it is''Don't make excuses''I wouldn't dare. Making excuses is more your side's thing, isn't it?''What are you implying?' Aziraphale trembled, his deep brown eyes darkening with righteous anger [10]'I just think it's a little rich to come down here blaming me for violence when the Divine Entity has no problem threatening to crussssssh peoples heads, or drown thousandssss of people who are just minding their own businessssss because he's salty that they aren't obeying him without quessssssstion' Aziraphale was floating now, just an inch above Crowley, face centimetres away from his. He burned.Crowley glowered, refusing to tilt his head up to meet Aziraphale's'You might be able to tempt the humans, Crawly. But it won't work on me' he said, his tone so icy that it settled over his skin, rising off him in a vapour as it contrasted with the heat of his Grace.'I wasn't trying, angel. If you're tempted, it's because you know I have a point'Aziraphale's Grace grew, filling the space around Crowley until it nearly blinded him, his skin blistering. Then he dropped to the ground, panting slightly. The light surrounding him faded so fast Crowley thought there had been a solar eclipse. 'There's going to be a boat. Two of each living creature' he said, and with that, he turned and flew towards the sun......................It is very easy for a snake to wriggle into the crevices of an ark designed to hold two of every land creature on the planet. Especially when certain beings had the idea of creating the likes of elephants and giraffes.It is very difficult for a snake to smuggle a barely-living tomato plant onto an ark, since he does not have any handsBut, Crowley enjoyed the occasional challenge.'Remember what I said' he hissed at the tomato. 'I didn't haul your sorry roots onto this godforsaken dinghy for you to wither away. Don't give me that. You think I like being cooped up in the bowels of a boat that stinks of every form of defecation on that planet? No. If you don't stop whining and start thriving, I'm going to feed it to you. That's a promise'The tomato remained unchanged.'Have it your way'Crowley did not have to wait long to make good on his threat to the tomato, which grew admirably in the half hour it took for him to be discovered by one of Noah's sons, who, as one of earths earliest herpetologists, was well aware that there had been no sleek black snakes of Crowley's dimensions on the ark when he was counting them in, and promptly threw him overboard, crying 'BEGONE, DEMON!' [11]Demons do not enjoy being in water.Freshly discorporated, Crowley was summoned for a debrief. He sauntered in, dumping a large bag on the desk, emanating an ungodly smell which Hell had, surprisingly, never experienced until that point. The demon monitoring the desk gave him a blank look.'What the fuck do you call this?''Manure' Crowley grinned, showing a truly unreasonable amount of teeth. 'I think it could be a real hit with the humans, once they've dealt with the whole water problem. I'm going to make it the hot new thing for crop maintenance''It smells like shit''It is shit''That's awful''Precisssssssely. Worth a commendation, wouldn't you say?'[9] The door had not been there when he entered the room, but if a situation required a door to be slammed, then a door there must be
[10] Because if you call it 'righteous' it's not just a way of pretending angels don't feel wrath
[11] Crowley was not what you would call an 'uppity' demon, but that was a truly appalling show of manners
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'You can't possssssssibly be serioussssss' Crowley slid his eyes sideways at Adramalech'Deadly' he replied, baring rows of shark-like teeth [11]Crowley turned, seeing his reflection from every conceivable angle, including a detailed view of a highly accurate set of internal organs [12]. He shook his head, focussing on the externals again, taking in the mass of dark black curls, a little wavier and looser than his old form, hovering around his face in a manner that suggested the potential to tumble artfully down his shoulders, but stopping just shy of the fact in a very teasing manner. There was little to note about the rest of him, his skin a shade darker than last time, his mouth just a little thinner...his eyes were as snakelike as they had ever been, but with a clear gold shimmer surrounding his irises which had not been there previously, and a gaze which was pointedly fixed several inches below them. One hand went to his chest.'They're impractical'Adramalech responded with a grin even more shit-eating than the last'Complaining, Crowley?''They're too big! They're completely out of proportion with the rest of me! And they won't go with anything I plan to wear''Just adjust them' Adramalech shrugged [13]'Why can't you adjust these?''It's the new regulation. Lamia thinks it will improve our temptation figures''Improve our temptation figures''Yes''Improve. Our. Temptation. Figuresssss'Mmmm' he murmured, preoccupied with adjusting his tail feathers'Lamia wouldn't know temptation if it slithered onto her shoulder and bit her in the carotid''Oh? And you could do better?' Adramalech looked up sharply'Of coursssssse. I could tempt humans in my sssssssleeep'Adramalech's eyes narrowed, staring at Crowley for so long that several centuries and multiple cities had risen and fallen before he said'Prove it''Gladly' Crowley matched Adramalech's sly smile with one of his own. 'Fine. If you can tempt a human in your sleep, I'll let you choose your next corporation''Too easssy. Make thessssse' he gestured around his chest 'smaller'Adramalech sighed, and Crowley looked appraisingly at his new figure as he turned to leave.'Why does this matter so much to you anyway?'Crowley stopped, feeling heat rise to his not-exactly-human-cheeks'Well?''They don't hurt as much when I'm lying on my front''That's it?!? I don't believe you''..sometimes I forget I'm in a human corporation and I try to get around like I did as a serpent'Adramalech stared at him for another century before tipping his head back and letting out a laugh that was uncomfortably reminiscent of peacocks having sex. He laughed so loud and for so long that Crowley couldn't hear the screams of the damned as he found himself whisked back to earth.[11] Or rather, sharks bare Adramalech-like teeth[12] Infernal beings do not need to use their internal organs, but Adramalech liked to be thorough, and found kidneys particularly aesthetically pleasing[13] Which was a remarkable feat for someone with the body of a peacock