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He didn't remember when it started. When the excitement turned into fear. When the support turned into pressure. When the practice room that had felt so freeing before turned into a cold, claustrophobic box. It must have been somewhere around their debut. Or maybe even before that. Or maybe this darkness he felt inside him had always been there and he only just now got to know it. At first it was just that, he remembered: darkness. Dark thoughts, like clouds overtaking his otherwise sunny mind. A darkness he couldn't explain nor describe. A darkness he couldn't even speak of. Something his members would never notice.Maybe that was what caused it. Maybe he wanted them to notice. Maybe he brought this all upon himself. He knew he was doing the wrong thing. He knew he was being self-destructive. Working harder and harder, eating less and less. Off course he knew it was bad for him. Maybe that was why he did it. Maybe it was a choice. He was willing to do anything to make the others notice his darkness. He didn't have the strength to tell them, to reach out to them, but he could show them.It took a while before his friends started noticing a chance. He didn't remember how long. It was a thursday afternoon, they had been practicing their dance routines all day. The same steps over and over, making the same mistakes, trying to get them out of their system. Trying to be perfect. They were all exhausted and more than grateful when Hongjoong finally told them to take a break. The group scattered around the practice room, some making their way to the kitchen or wherever to get some alone time. San slumped down against the wall, his water bottle in his hand, their song still echoing in his mind. That was when Seongwha came up to him. "Sani..." he began, softly, nervous, hesitating. "Have you eaten yet today?" "Oh... No, I haven't." San tried to act nonchalant, shrugging his shoulders, but he couldn't even look Seonghwa in the eyes when he said that. It was almost 7 pm and he hadn't eaten anything all day. When was the last time he ate? He couldn't really remember. "I just don't really get hungry when I'm practicing," San continued, before Seonghwa could even voice his worries. His eyes were still focused on his water bottle. He flipped it around and let the noise of the flowing water distract him. Seongwha sighed quietly. "Just make sure you eat something afterwards, okay?" San just nodded, still refusing to look up. He already knew he wouldn't. It was easier to hide than he thought. The members barely all ate together anyways. No one would notice if San didn't show up for breakfast. No one would suspect anything if he told them he was having lunch at a café somewhere. No one would see if he threw his portion of dinner in the trash after a couple of bites. But now and again Hongjoong insisted on eating together as a team. San had always enjoyed those times before. Or at least he did at some point. Now it just hurt him. But there was no way he could refuse. And so there was no way he could ignore Seonghwa's worried glances from across the table. San tried, he really did. He laughed along with his friends, he was having fun, he even took a couple bites from his food when he noticed the others were looking. Yet his plate remained half full while his friends scooped up their second or even third one. "San, try this!" an excited voice sounded. Yunho held a big bite of noodles in front of San's face, smiling. How could he refuse now? With everyone watching, expectantly? As he chewed, he tried to look like he enjoyed it and even signaled a thumbs up back to Yunho, who smiled even wider now and went back to his own meal. The food tasted bland and somehow wrong and everything inside him wanted to just spit it out. But with Seonghwa's eyes still on him, there was nothing he could do. He felt disgusted now, disgusted at himself. For eating, for not eating, for hiding this from his friends, for wanting them to notice it, for everything. He considered excusing himself to the bathroom, he had to get out of here, but Seonghwa would surely follow him to check on him and that was not something he could deal with right now. So he stayed. Forcing a smile at his friends' jokes, accepting any bites Seonghwa and Yunho offered him, desperately trying to keep everything inside.~~~~~~~Seonghwa had noticed something was off for a while now. He always kept track of his members, either consciously or unconsciously. He could always tell when something was wrong, when someone needed some help and support. But San wasn't someone to accept that. He always wanted to do everything right by himself, as if he had anything to prove. So when Seongwha noticed San's contagious smiles becoming less and less frequent, his practicing hours longer and longer, and his meals smaller and smaller, he didn't quite know what to do. He didn't want to assume, he didn't want to create a problem where there was none and he didn't want to intrude. He knew San wouldn't accept his help anyways. So he waited. He kept a close eye on San and just waited. Urging him to eat a little more whenever he could, offering bites of his own meal, checking up on him. But of course that didn't work. So finally he decided to step in. They were in the middle of shooting a show. Nothing special, just them with the camera's in their practice room and a bunch of challenges and games. The problem was the food they got as a reward. Bags of junk food was delivered to the practice room and they all sat in a circle on the floor to eat. It only lasted a couple minutes until San jumped up. "I'll go get some glasses!" He said with a hasty smile and quickly made his way out of the room. "I'll... help him," said Seonghwa, sharing a knowing look with Hongjoong after following San to the kitchen. The younger didn't seem to notice him entering the kitchen and slightly jumped when Seonghwa put a hand on his shoulder. "Sani... You're barely eating anything lately, what's wrong?" he asked softly. San kept all his attention on cleaning and stacking the glasses, while avoiding Seongwha's eyes, and answered: "I just don't feel comfortable eating on camera, that's all." Seonghwa knew he was lying, but what did he expect? He quietly sighed. He slightly lifted up the oversized hoodie San was wearing and put one hand on San's stomach, another one on his back. San barely reacted. He had gotten so thin now. Skin over bones. Barely anything there to hold. It scared him. Seonghwa hadn't quite noticed before, but now he realized that San was wearing an awful lot of oversized and loosefitting clothes lately. "If it's really because of the camera's, I'll just ask them to edit it out, but please just eat something." Even if San couldn't tell him his actual reasons, that wasn't gonna stop Seongwha from getting him to eat. San only nodded, picked up the glasses and turned to Seonghwa with a smile, obviously fake and lifeless. "Okay," he said, before making their way back to the group. Hongjoong had told the other members when San was gone one time. He told them not to worry too much, that Seonghwa, Yunho and himself would look out for him. But of course they worried. Of course they had noticed too. And they tried so hard to make him feel better, they all tried. Whenever they could. Softly touching his elbow to send him a smile, randomly backhugging him, putting in extra breaks during practice. They would feed him small bites of their meal, always begging him to eat more. He didn't resist, but he barely reacted anymore. He wouldn't send his big smiles anymore, he wouldn't giggle at the stupid jokes his teammates made, he would barely talk and didn't even look them in the eyes anymore. All he did was practice and sleep and practice and sleep. And endless cycle. No matter how hard they tried to reach out to him and pull him out of that cycle, it didn't work. It didn't matter. It felt like they had lost San. And they were desperate to get him back. ~~~~~~~ He didn't remember how the members found out. If they even found out. All he remembered was sitting on the couch, while Seongwha, Hongjoong and Yunho were gathered around him. He couldn't even look at them. Seonghwa with his eternally worrying eyes and careful voice. When was the last time he had even looked normally at San? When was the last time he didn't treat him like a delicate little flower that would surely break and die at the smallest touch? And Hongjoong's quiet looks. The way he stared at San during practices, the way he would lock eyes with Seonghwa whenever San messed up again, never once saying a word, not even now. And Yunho, now scolding him, towering over him. Telling him to stop doing this, to stop resisting their help. As if it was that easy, as if they could help. San didn't react, just stared at the floor. That just seemed to make Yunho angrier, or was it more desperate? Yunho didn't shout, he barely raised his voice, but he was deadly serious, the usual playful spark had left. "Why won't you just tell us what's wrong?! You pretend like everything's okay, but it's clearly not! At least let us help you! At least accept what we offer you!" He finally stopped when Hongjoong put a hand on his arm and carefully pushed him aside. He sat next to San on the couch and put a warm hand on his knee. "Sani," he said, but it didn't sound angry like Yunho and it didn't sound pitiful like Seonghwa. It just sounded like Hongjoong. It was refreshing to listen to his leader's calm voice, comforting. "I don't know what's happening with you lately, but this has to change. We're all very worried about you. Please don't shut us out. I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but you don't have to do this alone. We're here for you. We'll help you get through this. But you have to accept our help." It stayed quiet for a bit. San felt three pairs of eyes pierce into him, while he still just stared at the ground, trying to blink away his tears. He just nodded. Soon after he felt Seonghwa's warm embrace around him and he couldn't hold back his tears any longer. Pathetic, he thought. Weak. What have you got to cry about? But Seonghwa was there, and so was Hongjoong and so was Yunho. Hugging him, rubbing his back and stroking his hair, while he sobbed against Seonghwa's shoulder. He couldn't remember time anymore. He couldn't recall certain days, happy days, important days, bad days. He didn't remember. It all started to look the same. The days seeped into each other, always the same routine, dragging himself forward, but it felt like a part of him was left behind with each day. Soon enough there would be nothing left of him. If there was even anything now. His stomach hurt constantly now. He was always tired. He was always sick. He was always weak. He could barely get out of bed in the morning and could barely sleep at night. He felt pathetic. He felt horrible. He felt... The only thing he could do was practice. Always practice. It was the only way he could be at least somewhat useful to his members. The only way he could distract himself. By filling his body with adrenaline and practicing, time and time again. Stuff he had been able to do for a while now. Until it became perfect. It never became perfect. He was alone in the practice room now. Not that it mattered, he barely noticed if the others were there anyway. It didn't make a difference. At least now he could dance in peace. The music was so loud that it droned in his ears and he felt the beat throughout his entire body. He danced and danced and danced. He had the song on repeat and just danced again and again. The couple of seconds of silence in between each loop felt like torture. It was only a couple seconds but his thoughts went crazy then and his body hurt. It always hurt. It hurt so much. But he kept going, he kept dancing. To try and get back in that zone where he would not think, not feel anything. Where he would dance and it felt like he breathed the music. Like the beat gave strength to his bones. Like he was a comletely different person, in a completely different world. Like he was flying, his entire body becoming lighter, his head becoming lighter, a smile formed on his lips, finally. Then he noticed the high pitch in his ears and the colorful blobs at the corners of his eyes, blurring his vision. And he could swear he heard a loud thud. When San finally woke up he was lying in bed. That was all he noticed at first. A banging pain in his head was now competing with the eternal pain in his stomach. Slowly he opened his eyes. He was in bed, but not his own bed. He had always claimed the top bunk but he was noticeably low to the ground now. His stuffed doll Shiber was sweetly tucked in beside him. Yunho was sitting at the other side of the room, furiously typing something on his phone. He hadn't noticed San waking up yet. Good. San closed his eyes again, he couldn't bear Yunho's scolding now. Not now. Not while everything hurt. Not while he... Slowly the realization of what had happened settled in. He tensed up, trying to keep his tears in. Why now? Why was he crying? Why was he always so weak? "Sani," he heard Yunho's voice and soon after felt his warm hand on his forehead. The tears were streaming now, he couldnt keep it in any longer. Like always. He cried so much lately. Yunho softly stroked his head and played with his hair. He didn't talk, not this time. All that San could hear were his own sobs and whimpers, but his breath was slowly calming down now. He tried to focus on Yunho's warm touch on his skin. On the little patterns he was drawing with his thumb. On his quiet breathing next to San's bed. And he slowly fell asleep again.When San awoke for the second time, he wasn't in the familiar dimly lit dorm room. This room was white, just like everything in it. White bed, white curtains, white machines softly beeping and blinking little blue lights. Shiber was still next to him. Yunho was still sitting in the corner, now joined by Hongjoong and Seonghwa. They were talking in low voices, just too quiet to make out what they were saying. Just audible enough to create a comfortable background noise that made San feel at home. Then he noticed the pain was gone. All of it. Even the pain in his stomach that he had gotten so used to that he barely called it pain anymore. Now he noticed all the tubes he was connected to. In his nose, in his inner elbow, at his fingertip. Hospitals used to scare him. He used to think they were cold and uncomfortable. He used to think the white and the beeping of the machines was threatening. But not now. The combination of noises and colors made him feel like he was floating in the clouds. Floating, not flying. Comfortably. He moved a bit to subtly make his friends aware of him. They immediately looked up and seemed surprised to see San looking back at them. Tired, weak, defeated, but with brighter eyes than they had seen in a long time now. And he carefully smiled.