Work Text
Dear Jeon Jungkook, You were the first of all the boys I loved. I was eight and you were five when we met. Your parents had just moved from Busan and occupied the little blue house next to mine. At first I thought you were quite annoying. You always wanted to hang out with the older boys despite the age gap. It felt like I was babysitting a younger sibling. The “friends” I used to hang out with would always tell me to ditch you.But my mother raised me to always respect others. So I played with you everyday after homework and every weekend. The other boys were jealous assholes and made me choose between hanging out with them or playing dolls with you. It was the easiest choice I made.So after years of playing “Rescue the Prince”, running around while hyper on fruit punch, and riding around the neighborhood on our bikes, I fell in love with you. Despite our age difference, you were my dearest and most best friend. My mom asked me one day as a joke, expecting me to name a celebrity, “Namjoon who do you want to marry when you’re older?”“Jungkook!” I told her proudly.Back then I thought marriage was two best friends hanging out for the rest of their lives. And I wanted that with you. Even at the young age of eight I could see us playing dolls and Pokémon forever.When I entered middle school we saw less of each other. We both had found new friends. Age appropriate ones to hang out with. Looking back at it now, I want to hit myself for caring about what my “friends” thought of my friendship with you. The playground swings stayed motionless for years. Our bikes rusted over in our garages. The prince was never rescued again. I think the only thing that saved our friendship was that our mothers became best friends in the time that you and I had parted. We have to thank them for that. I remember that time they locked us in my room together and wouldn’t let us out until they heard us playing again. It hurts me to think I could have lost my best friend. As I grew up my feelings of love for you turned into a platonic one. Now I can’t imagine my life without you Kook. You’ve been there through it all. These days I don’t even want to call you my best friend anymore.Because you’re my family. Love, Your Best Friend, Kim Namjoon
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Dear Kim Seokjin, When I think of my awkward hormonal teenage years, I remember you. It was the typical story of me falling for my friend’s older brother. We could have been a real life Wattpad fanfiction.I met you through your new stepbrother Yoongi and it was love at first sight to me. But I think it had a lot to do with the hormones running through me.You were coming out of your pool dripping wet. Water was rolling down your abs and your hair was slicked back. And I was in awe at your beauty. I still think you’re the prettiest of all the boys I’ve ever loved. A lot of my sexual teenage fantasies included your face. You were sixteen, had a black pickup truck, and were the coolest person I knew.The fourteen year old me idolized you like a celebrity. If it wasn’t so creepy, I would have had your pictures all over my walls back then. You were the most popular boy in school and everyone either wanted you or wanted to be you. I just wanted to be with you. I remember that day, walking down the school halls and we made eye contact. The moment must have felt like half a second for you. But it seemed to last forever to me. Until I walked into a locker.Later that day Yoongi had invited me to your house.My head was pounding from getting hit by the locker. Yoongi hyung was busy making a beat and I didn’t want to bother him. So I came downstairs for some ibuprofen. “Hey clumsy.” You said, startling me and making me drop all the pills. I hadn’t even seen you walk into the kitchen. It didn’t help that you were shirtless. It’s like you were actively trying to kill me that day. “Hey.” I replied hesitantly before bending down and picking up the pills. You decided to kneel down and help me pick up all one hundred and fifty ibuprofen pills. It made me realize you weren’t just some cool untouchable older guy that I previously thought you were. You cared for anyone regardless of their social status. The moment was ruined however.We stood up at the same time and bumped our heads together. If you weren’t so handsome I would have cursed at you. First the locker and then my crush. The universe was out to get me that day.You helped me up on the kitchen counter and held a bag of frozen peas onto my forehead while mumbling about my destructive tendencies. You didn’t have to do that. I knew your fingers were freezing. But thank you hyung.I silently loved you for two years. The small moments like that were enough for me although sometimes I felt like screaming my feelings of love at you. And when you left for college, I was devastated. We were never together but my heart broke as if we were. But things that are broken can always be mended. We love, we lose, we cry. Though at the end of the day we must move on and continue on this walk we call life. I’ve bought all of your movies and watched all of your dramas hyung. I’m so proud of you.Love,Your Clumsy Kim Namjoon
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Dear Min Yoongi, Shakespeare once wrote “My only love sprung from my only hate.” And I hated you the day we met. It was the summer before freshman year when we met. I had saved up enough pocket money to buy the new Eminem album. Everywhere else had been sold out. And there was only one left in the music store furthest from my house. Just as I was about to grab my beloved album off of the shelf, a pale hand shot out and snatched it. At that moment it felt as if all of my dreams were shattered like glass. “I was going to purchase that.” I gritted my teeth and turned to look at you. My anger was building up inside me. Then you had the audacity to smirk at me and ask, “Oh? Then why is it in my hand?”It must have been a combination of the summer heat and my desperation for that album but I lost it at that moment. My vision was clouded with only red and when I came to, you were sprawled out on the floor with a look of disbelief on your face.I’m sorry for punching you hyung. Actually I’m not sorry you deserved it. You really were an asshole that day.After we both got kicked out of the music store, I noticed you were wearing a limited edition Seo Taiji and the Boys t-shirt. You must have seen the look on my face because you gasped when you saw that I was wearing the exact same t-shirt. It felt like a shift in time.It was as if the universe changed just so we could meet. That the path life had originally laid out for me now diverged into yours.I remember those afternoons spent sharing headphones as we listened to music on your handed down iPod. Those nights we stayed up writing diss tracks to haters we didn’t even have yet. The mornings I woke up in your bed, only to realize we passed out after recording. For the first time in my life, I felt understood. If soulmates were real, it’d be you. No one had ever fit into me so perfectly before like you. And it was so quickly and so effortlessly. There must have been a higher power involved. I remember one night after getting into a fight with Jin’s dad, you came to my house. Back then you thought your mom was betraying your late father. I told you that it’s possible to love more than one person in your lifetime. I was right because I loved six. As time went by, your depression deepened. Your dad passed away. Your mom remarried Jin’s dad. You were forced to move from rural Daegu to bustling Seoul. But I’m so proud of you for surviving. You were always a survivor. You just never saw it for yourself.The day Jin hyung left for college, we both cried. I cried because I loved him. You cried because it felt as if another person in your life was leaving and never coming back. “You can’t leave me Joon.” You told me as we laid in your bed that night. “I can’t lose anyone else.”I fell in love with you that night. I had seen you spit curses that I didn’t even knew existed. I saw you beat up people for looking at me the wrong way. But behind all of that was a broken boy who told his stories through his music. I loved both sides of you. The beautiful and the broken.And to my surprise, you loved me too.It’s a great feeling to love and be loved in return. Although you weren’t my first love, you were my first of many things. First kiss, first date, first relationship, first time. Suddenly your music wasn’t dark or angry any more. You turned diss tracks into dedications of love to me.Before you, music was my life. But then you came along and suddenly there was space in my heart for you and our songs. It was like my life was filled with dullness before and the moment I met you, it exploded into vibrancy. I remember that mixtape we made. There was a song on there that required moaning in the background. And oh, I definitely made you moan.But that mixtape was our child. Something we created together out of love. The original plan was for you to go to a local college in Seoul and you’d wait one year for me. But things change and life barely ever goes the way we want it to. Though we hope that we get our happily ever after, fate doesn't grant wishes that often.I remember you coming to me and telling me that a popular underground group in Daegu had recruited you. You told me that you would reject them. But I couldn’t allow you to do that. See the thing is, you hesitated. You could have answered them immediately saying that you didn't want to go. But you waited. That's when I knew I had to let you go Yoongi.I told you to go to Daegu. To visit your father’s resting place one more time and to make a name for yourself. I couldn’t tear you away from what you loved. I can’t be selfish with you. Looking back at the situation now I still don’t regret telling you to go. An opportunity like that only came once in a lifetime.We tried to keep our relationship stable. We honestly did try our hardest. But while you were performing at clubs I was studying. While you were passed out drunk from partying all night, I was at school. Skype dates lasted thirty minutes and weekend visits got cancelled. Our once vibrant relationship faded into something that became a grey nuisance in our lives.I never thought there would be one last phone call between us. But one day you ended the call and never redialed my number.You made me promise not to leave you. But in the end, you were the one that left us. My greatest heartbreak sprung from my greatest love. But Yoongi, I still listen to our mixtape every night. Love, Your Forgotten, Kim Namjoon
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Dear Jung Hoseok,During the last half of my senior year, I got scouted. I entered the company being unsure about everything. I was a real rapper. Not some pretty boy idol who sang love songs for teenage girls.You transferred to the company a few weeks later from a bigger one. I had heard rumors about the infamous Jung Hoseok and that you were serious competition among the trainees. I’m not sure why you’d choose such a small company but I’m glad you did. Hoseok, you seduced me. I remember the nights when everyone else had gone home and we were the last two left in the practice room. As you moved your body to the rhythm of the music, your eyes were on me. Those days that you’d walk around in the dorm in only your underwear made me question everything. And the time you showed me some lyrics you wrote and they were about having hot passionate sex in a studio. It was so exhilarating to sneak around with you. We had sex in almost every room in the company back then. There was one time where you gave me a blowjob in a changing closet with the other trainees on the other side of the door. A few of them got suspicious as to why we always paired up to go take a shower. Having sex with you was good. It was familiar like a routine. And I didn’t know if I wanted it to change.I was still heartbroken over Yoongi and you were under immense pressure to learn how to rap. Sex was our escape from our feelings. But one night you took your mask off. See Hoseok, when you walk into a room, you light it up and change the atmosphere. You were my sunshine during a time I was suffering. I had no idea there was a hidden part of you that dealt with depression and anxiety. But that night we stayed up talking on the balcony, I’ll remember it forever. I learned who Jung Hoseok was rather than learning about his body.You were still my sunshine but this time you had a story behind your glow. I was scared to fall in love with you. All of the other trainees knew you were going to be in the final lineup, including me. And I was afraid that once you debuted, you’d leave me just like Yoongi did. The more I pushed my feelings for you away and played them off, the more intense they became. I was questioning everything. Do I take the risk or do I play it safe?But things changed when Jungkook followed me into the company. The PD had a different vision for his idol group. He took his best dancer, his best singer, and his best rapper to make BTS. You, Jungkook, and I fought for our debut. And we earned it. But our debut was the fall of our relationship. They tell every trainee that the real work begins after you’ve debuted. I wish I believed that back then. There was no more room for mistakes. Everything needed to be perfect. Back then, when I made a mistake in the choreography, you’d laugh it off and show me how to do it. You'd place your hands on my hips, guiding me into position, while whispering obscene things into my ear. But after debut, if I made a mistake it would lead to a fight between us. In the studio we bumped heads as well. I wanted to make meaningful lyrics dedicated to protecting the youth. But your beats were too “K-Pop” for me. It got worse when we brought our problems home. The nights we once spent passionately fucking were now spent fighting. I felt bad for Jungkook. We scared him. It was as if we were two parents on the brink of divorce with a kid between us. The day we broke up, I was crushed but relieved. I think it was for the best that we separated. You and were too toxic for each other.It took some time for us to talk civilly again. But when we did, it was peaceful. If we hadn’t broken up, Bangtan wouldn’t be where it is today. I like to think our sacrifice to our group was what brought us all these daesangs, billboards, and western fame. I loved you. You loved me. But we almost destroyed each other to the point of no return.Hoseok, along side Jungkook, I can’t wait to take over the world with our music. Love, Your Bulletproof Boy Scout, Kim Namjoon
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Dear Park Jimin, I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you. I was supposed to fall in love five times in my life. But you were the unexpected sixth. The day we met, I was called into the company’s meeting room to discuss sales. Bangtan had a rough start as everyone knew. We were putting the company even more in debt with each passing day. I remember the moment you walked in and I thought, “Why is an SM artist here?” The next thing I knew, contracts and non disclosure agreements were thrown in my direction. Within a day half the country knew that we were dating.Except, we weren’t. I held your hand tightly in mine during music shows. I gave you kisses on the cheek to make our fans swoon. I spoke about you on every variety show with love in my eyes. But it was all an act. You and I hated our companies for doing that to us. We were their dolls and they played with us in any way they wanted to. They molded us into the "perfect" idol.It wasn’t all that bad. You and I went on all these fun dates funded by our company. We went to Disneyland and rode in those teacups. You threw up right after and I held your scarf back as you vomited into a bush. We were the guest panel of a popular TV show. Although most of the things we said were lies, I still felt my heart beat faster every time you looked at me with pure adoration in your eyes. We visited Paris together. I was never one for the clichés in life. But you shined brighter than the Eiffel Tower.Soloist Park Jimin and Bangtan soared in popularity. We won our first music show three years after our debut. And you won song of the year in December of that same year. You included me in your thank you speech which was a shock to the public. “I’d like to thank a very dear person in my life.” You said. “Namjoon thank you for writing and producing Lie. It was a very personal and special song between you and I. And I’ll treasure it forever. I love you baby.” I had never heard those words from you before. For the first time in my life, someone fell in love with me first.Things changed between us after the new year. I called you “honey” even when there were no cameras around. We spent our free time writing duets that were never heard by anyone else. You wore my sweaters and t-shirts. Suddenly your toothbrush made a permanent place in my bathroom.The love you showed me was pure. I’m not the prettiest idol. I’ve made mistakes in the past. I’m not the best dancer. But you loved me anyways. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. You told me one late night as we were in bed, “We weren’t meant to be together.”I wondered you what you meant by that. “The universe didn’t plan for us to be together. But our souls found each other anyway. We defied the universe Joonie.” You paused to look at me sadly. “You and I aren’t going to always be together in this lifetime.” “What if we cheat the universe again?” I asked you.But you shook your head sadly and I saw a small tear slip out from the corner of your eye.“You’re going to end up with someone else in this lifetime hyung and I’m okay with that.” You grinned despite your tears flowing freely down your cheek. “Because in the next lifetime you are all mine and I won’t share.”I didn’t tell you I loved you too until after I almost lost you. There was a time when it seemed like everything in our lives was going wrong. Headlines after headlines were about us. They accused me of cheating. We were getting harassed at every airport by the media. The scariest moment was when we found your apartment trashed with death threats written in red paint all over your walls. I got the call that you had been admitted into the hospital while I was in the studio. Someone had poisoned your meal. I could have lost you that day Jimin. Seeing you lie there in the hospital bed, motionless and paler than ever before fucked me up for a long time. It looked like you were dead. I remember sitting there all night thinking about the things I never got to do. I never slow danced with you. I never went to one of your concerts. I never told you I loved you back. I hated the universe at that moment. It was tearing you away from me and I couldn’t do anything about it. But the next morning you opened your eyes and gave me that half moon smile that I loved. “I love you.” Was the first thing I said.Back then we thought this event would bring us closer together. But the universe was always jealous of you and I, Jimin. I now understood what you meant.Our relationship contract ended the next month and our companies decided they wouldn’t renew it. They claimed that they had already benefited enough from it. But we both knew it was because of the many death threats we received daily. I wanted to continue seeing you. I would have risked it for you. Because I still felt guilty that I hadn’t treated you better when we were together. But you told me to let us go and chase after my dreams. You selflessly let me go live out my life. You did the same thing as I did with Yoongi all those years ago.I’ve never told you this but thank you Jimin. Thank you for loving me enough to let me go.On the final night we spent together, we made love for the first and last time. I remember you were crying. You held on to me so tightly. I gazed at you for what seemed like forever, trying to memorize every curve and freckle. When you spoke to me I closed my eyes, replaying the sound of your musical voice over and over again. I loved you so much Jimin.“I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you.” You repeated to me as we laid naked in each other’s arms. “In the next lifetime however, I’ll love you until I die.”I woke up the next morning to an empty spot beside me. Love, Your Lie, Kim Namjoon
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Dear Kim Taehyung When I was twenty five I had already achieved all my goals in life. Bangtan not only took over the country, but also the world. I made friends with infamous artists all around. My albums lived on the top of the charts. We made our tiny company into an empire sitting on billions of cash.But somewhere along the way, I lost myself. RM was the leader of the world’s most successful boyband. He was a man who not only made authentic music but also ventured in other businesses. He could end anyone’s career with just one verse. Everyone in the industry feared RM.But I had spent so much time being RM, I forgot who Kim Namjoon was.The company gave us a six month hiatus after the long world tour. And as much as I loved being on stage, I needed those six months. I needed to find Kim Namjoon. So I took a trip to the rural parts of Daegu.I met you at the market. You were selling all these hand crafted jewelry. They were more beautiful than any diamond. “How much is this?” I questioned as I held up a necklace with a blue crystal in the center. “It’s not your style, city boy.” You said in a lazy accented drawl. I was a taken aback by your fierceness.“I want it.” I stubbornly replied and you looked at me for a moment, trying to figure out my intentions.“I told you, it’s not your style.” You repeated and made your way out of the booth. But you didn’t walk out of the booth you sold in.You wheeled out of it. I watched as you examined the necklaces for a few moments before picking one up. Your lips tilted upwards in the faintest smile as if you were parting with a dear old friend. “Here you go, Moonchild.” It was a crescent moon necklace. It was perfect.Your wheelchair squeaked as you went back into your booth. I wanted to fix it but I didn’t know how.“How much?” I asked you again. Your eyes scanned over mine, searching for something. And I think you found what you wanted because you responded by saying, “It’s free for you.”That didn’t stop me from tossing a wad of cash into your booth when you weren’t looking. The next morning I woke up to a frantic knock on the front door of my rented house. It was you.You were angry. And you tossed the cash in my face.“I don’t need your fucking sympathy.”Your wheelchair squeaked again as you rolled down my driveway. I wondered how you had found my address but then realized that I wasn’t in Seoul anymore. This was a small town. Everyone knew everyone. I didn’t give you money as sympathy. I would never do that to you Taehyung.After that, every day I came by your booth to buy a necklace. I paid for all of them. Not because I felt bad for you. But because I genuinely liked your jewelry. Eventually we became friends. I looked forward to my daily market stroll. And on the weekends, we hung out. You’d show me all your favorite places around your hometown. My favorite one was the field of flowers. While I wrote lyrics down in my journal, you’d sit beside me and craft more necklaces. It was quiet. Neither of needed to talk. We could understand each other without speaking.One of the best days I spent with you was at the beach. You couldn’t bring your wheelchair into the wetter sand. So you sat down on the dry sand and I brought the beach to you. I filled a bucket with water and grabbed any cool shells and rocks I found then brought it to you. Your face lit up like a small child when I’d find an exceptionally pretty seashell. Every crab I caught, I brought them back to you. And we named them. I still remember all the names.Da Vinci, Van Gogh, Bernini, Monet, Picasso, Michelangelo, Renoir, Rembrandt, Vermeer, and Cezanne.Your town was having a block party on the Main Street. There was good food and music. Everyone wore their best clothes. You looked like a dream that night. A couple hours in, I was getting harassed by the locals. “Rich Seoul Boy” was their main insult being thrown at me. I could have handled myself.“He’s rich and he’s from Seoul while you all have been living here for generations wearing your great grandfather’s clothes.” You spat at them and then turned to me. “Well? Aren’t you going to wheel me out of this pathetic excuse of a party?”We strolled to your studio apartment. It was tiny and if I stretched my arms out I could touch both opposite walls at the same time. But it was more homely than any Seoul penthouse apartments.That night I learned you were a painter. And when you showed me your art I was baffled.Taehyung, you are so much better than any Michelangelo, Picasso, and Monet. Your paintings cannot not be described words. It’s just something one has to see in real life. You also memorized every hex code. You informed me that my hair was exactly the color of 644C4C.That night I realized I was beginning to have more than friendly feelings towards you. And so our days were spent writing lyrics and painting. We were something of a cliché. The poet and the artist. I remember that time you woke me up at four in the morning in a rush. You said you were inspired. So we took a long walk to the park and you painted the four a.m. night sky. I thought about a lot of things that morning as you ran your brush against the canvas. I didn’t have to choose between RM and Kim Namjoon. They were me as much as the other. I could be RM, leader and rapper of the biggest boyband in the word. And at the same time be Kim Namjoon the boy who loves books and four a.m. strolls in the park. Because RM loved to take walks as much as Kim Namjoon loved being on stage. I remember looking at you and realizing that you only knew Namjoon. I wanted you to know RM as well. I thought about what would happen in a few months when I headed back to Seoul. Would you come with me? Would you give up the natural scenery of your hometown to paint the Seoul cityscape instead? Would you choose RM and Kim Namjoon at the same time? “Let’s go home hyung.” You whispered to me.The next day I found out why you were in the wheelchair. It was a drunk driver who took your parents and siblings away from you. You were overcome with survivor’s guilt. I held you tight as you mourned for your family.“Distract me hyung.” You croaked out with a face of tears.Then I started telling you about all the boys I’ve loved before. It was enough to stop your tears but you were still a broken man. “I think one of those boys will come back for you.” You seemed so sure of it. As if it was written down in the stars that you so often painted. “I know they will.”I didn’t know what to say. “Hyung there is a mountain here. My father hiked there once a month for exercise. He’d offer to take me but I always rejected him to go hang out with my friends. When he’d come back he’d tell me about the view. And how it can’t be described by words. He said it was the closest thing to heaven he had ever seen. But I never went with him. And now I lost the opportunity.” You looked down at your wheelchair before gazing at me. “What I’m saying is, when one of your boys comes back to you, don’t let them slip away again. You’ll regret it forever.”“What if the boy never left me?” I questioned softly, taking your hand in my bigger ones. “What if I want it to be you?” You looked hopeful for a moment. And I think I saw a flash of the Taehyung before the car accident. “I don’t need your sympathy.” You repeated to me as you pulled your hand away from mine.Then you shut me out again. The next day I woke up at six in the morning to work out and weight lift. And I continued that for the duration of my last three months. It was challenging but I needed to be in perfect shape. We continued to hang out everyday after the market. Eventually you taught me how to make necklaces. You taught me how to paint the sky. It was no where near as good as yours. But you held it and admired it as if it was a piece from the Louvre. You taught me how to love myself a little bit more. You showed me that I have reasons.On the Sunday before my last week I blindfolded you. On our journey you whined about the blindfold being itchy. But when I took it off, you were horrified. I was scared that I had done something wrong. “Why did you take me here?” You questioned me. “I don’t want your sympathy Namjoon.”I was tired of hearing that come out of your mouth. So I kissed you. You didn’t kiss me back. But that was okay. “Come with me.” I whispered against your lips. “Let’s go see heaven.”It took two hours to hike up the mountain. But because I carried you on my back, it took four. It was the most difficult thing I had ever done in my life. No twelve hour dance practice or back to back concerts could compare to the physical exhaustion I felt. But we made it.Your father was right. It was a view that couldn’t be described with words. You didn’t waste any time to take your paints out to recreate the gorgeous scenery. You were gazing at the view but I was gazing at you the whole time. Even with paint all over, you were still the prettiest thing in the view.After signing the painting, you allowed it to dry in the steady breeze. We sat there with you in between my legs for hours. I held you as you cried, told me stories, and shared your memories. “Come with me.” I began to say. “Come with me to Seoul.”“You know I can’t say yes.”“If I told you I love you, would it change your mind?”“No”. You replied instantly and hesitated before continuing on. “Namjoon...my life is cheap paint brushes, hand crafted necklaces, mistaking paint water for my morning coffee, and a sky full of shining stars every night. Your life is cameras being shoved in your face, a different city every night, expensive hotel rooms with champagne, and a city of so much light pollution there’s no stars in the sky.”I understood what you said. How could I be so selfish for wanting to bring you into that life?“That’s you Namjoon. That’s not me.” “So in a couple of days...” I trailed off. “In a couple of days we’ll say goodbye. You’ll cry. I’ll cry. I’ll spend my nights thinking about you, my first love. You’ll think about all the things you could have said and done better. And then we’ll get so caught up with life that eventually the pain eases. I’ll just become your number six on the list of all the boys you’ve loved.” Tears silently slipped down your cheeks as you spoke.“No dramatic ending huh? No running into each other’s arms?” I asked, wiping away my own tears.“No.” You told me with a slight smile. “Not even after the credits have finished rolling.” On our last night together, we visited every spot in the town that you had ever painted. We ate greasy burgers and shared a milkshake. And I showed you the lyrics I wrote just for you.I took you home and you intimately gave yourself to me. I could have written poems about your beautiful face in the middle of an orgasm. After, you painted a picture for me. It was the sky at four a.m. in the morning. But there were shades of blue in it that I hadn’t even known existed. My favorite part was the crescent moon that looked identical to the necklace you gave me on the day we met. There was a silhouette of a boy standing on the moon. “I call it ‘Moonchild’.” You proudly told me. I remembered how you called me that on our first day together with a smile.When I woke up the next morning, you were still there. As I moved, your hand curled around my bicep.“I love you too.” You had whispered as you watched me dress. I didn't leave immediately. I stayed in your living room fixing that damn wheelchair so that it'd never squeak again.You were right Taehyung. I cried every night for three months after I left. And there was no doubt you had done so too. But eventually I tucked away the memories of Daegu into a box in the back of my head. It took me a year to sit down and write this letter. I think I’m going to be okay. I loved you and you loved me in return. And that was enough. Yesterday I released a song titled Four O’Clock. I hope you heard it. Thank you for giving me reason to love both RM and Kim Namjoon. Thank you for showing me the beauty of the simple things in life.Thank you for being the sixth and final of all the boys I’ve loved. Love,
Your Moonchild, Kim Namjoon
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Dear Kim Namjoon, You told me not to read these letters but now you can’t stop me. I read each one carefully without missing anything. You’ve loved so much in your entire life. Wholly and unconditionally. We met again when I was thirty one. I knew we’d always find each other. I knew you and I were always going meet again later in life when it was the right time. I knew we’d last forever. You had just finished your military service and was integrating into society again. I saw you at a music store, shopping for old school vinyls. Typical Kim Namjoon. When you had finished, you realized it was pouring rain. The seasonal showers wreaked havoc on the city that summer. But you stupidly walked out into the rain anyways.Then I noticed a change in you. You looked up at the cloudy sky with a smile, accepting the rain on your skin. It wasn’t an inconvenience to you. One of your past lovers taught you to appreciate the beauty in life. I followed you that day. And eventually I took my umbrella and placed it over your head, allowing myself to get soaked. We walked three blocks like that before you realized the rain wasn’t hitting your skin anymore. You paused and slowly turned around. You weren’t shocked or appalled. Your eyes were kind and your smile was warm as if you were welcoming me back.“It’s been a while.” You whispered. And I nodded. It had been years. But you were the same Namjoon I once knew.This time, you were wiser and had many more stories to tell. We walked back to your apartment, soaking wet. You offered me your clothes and I spent a few minutes inhaling your scent that I had missed so much. We spent hours catching up. It felt so right to me Namjoon. Curling up on your couch, sipping coffee, and talking to you about everything. I felt like I could do it for the rest of our lives. “You dated Park Jimin.” I began to say, remember how heartbroken I felt when I saw the headlines. But I was also happy for you. You found happiness. “What was that like?” “It was a great moment in my life.” You told me with a sad smile. “The situation wasn’t ideal. We dated through contracts. But Jimin and I fell in love.” “What happened?” I asked. “Jimin loved me so much that he let me go. We knew from the beginning, that we wouldn’t last. But destiny has funny way of making you fall for people you’re not meant to be with.” You looked down at your coffee cup. “Jimin taught me a lot about destiny.”It took one year for us to date. We were older and wiser and knew that we had all the time in the world. So we took things slow. I was worried your busy idol schedules would affect our relationship. But you always made time for me, no matter what. I figured that one of your lovers taught you about sacrifice. One day, I accompanied you to a fan meeting. I was hidden of course. A fan had tripped and all of the contents of her bag spilled out. You took your time to pick up everything for her. You didn’t have to do that. But you did it anyways because you weren’t some untouchable godlike idol. Someone you loved once taught you that you’re a human too.As our relationship blossomed, so did our love. It was as if the flower of "us" was once dried up. But then with the touch of our undying love, we revived it.I remember that time we visited your hometown again. You took me to the playground where you spent most of your childhood. I watched as your eyes looked over everything in the park. I knew you were remembering someone. A childhood best friend. As we sat on the swings, you opened up to me about every boy you’ve ever fallen in love with. I felt proud of you Namjoon. Each of those six boys had taught you something. Each of them made up a piece of the Kim Namjoon I loved. We slept in your old bed that night. Your room hadn’t changed at all. It was twelve in the night when you woke up from sleep. I was still awake reading manga on my phone.“Hey.” You said with a groggy voice but with a dopey smile.“Hi.” I replied leaning down to kiss you. We kissed for a while. Your lips felt the same as they did before.“Let’s get married.” You whispered.We married during my thirty third spring. You always loved spring days. It was beautiful. It was the happiest day of my life.And a year later we adopted our first child. We took a couple years off work to be parents. Looking back at the old us, I couldn’t believe that the Kim Namjoon I once knew was now a father. And he was the father of my child.After we broke up those many years ago, I never stopped loving you. I pushed my love for you to the back and focused on my life. But it was always there. No matter who I met in my life. No matter who I dated. It was always you Namjoon.From the day we met, it was always going to be you no matter what. Life pulled us away once but brought us back during the rain.You and I had a great life together. It was filled with love. We taught our children many lessons about love and how it can shape you as a person. Love is the strongest thing in this universe. It can push and pull the most unexpected people together. Like it did with us. I was lucky enough to share it with you for the rest of my life.Yesterday your heart beat for the last time. You were surrounded by our family, children, and grandchildren. Up until the last moment, you were smiling my favorite dimpled smile.Tomorrow I will say goodbye to you for the second time in my life. And I’ve invited all the boys you’ve loved before. I can’t wait to meet the people who taught you how to love.Thank you for coming back to me. Thank you for saving my life.Thank you for loving me enough to let me go once. Thank you for allowing me to live a good life without regrets. Thank you for teaching me how to love. I love you Kim Namjoon.And I still listen to our mixtape every night as well. Love,
Your Husband, Kim Yoongi