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“I love you Jojo”Those four words continued to swim in my head for days. No matter how hard I try to distract myself, I keep thinking about those simple four words. Those four words that actually aren’t simple at all. Those four words that broke and melted my heart at the same time. Those four words that I will never ever forget, four words I ache to hear again.After she walked out of my life, I didn’t know how to cope. She dumped this huge revelation about my life on me and left, I should be mad at her. I should be pissed that even though she loves me, she doesn’t enough to stay and help me with this.Now I don’t have anyone. Not my sister who I just recently realized is so self centered that she doesn’t care about me, her own sister’s feelings. Not my mom or dad, since they both have been lying to me about The Merge my entire life, what did they expect us to do once we turned 21? I understood that they are looking for a loophole, that they didn’t want us to worry, but if I had known a year ago I had an expiration date, I would have done a lot of things differently.I would have done things differently with her. I would have cherished every moment with her as if it were our last. All our side glances during class, our late night trips to the kitchens for ice cream, movie nights that ended in something not pg-13.I am trying not to put blame on everyone, but it’s hard because I feel like I lost so much in the past week from something completely out of my control. Control, now that’s a funny thing, I have kept everything in my life under control for 16 years, Lizzie has barely been able to keep anything in control for 16 minutes, and I am the one that loses everything. I am the one that has to sacrifice everything.I get what she has been saying this whole year, putting myself second, not taking care of myself. I have been drowning in Lizzie, Hope, Dad, everyone’s shit for years and I am done. This week has been filled with a lot of anger and sadness, a lot of crying and arguing, and I am done. Done with it all. I am done with The Salvatore School.It’s time for me to do something selfish, to take something I want back, someone I want back.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It’s about 8:00pm when I decide to leave. Everything here reminds me of
her
and I can’t handle it anymore. Every room brings a forgotten memory to the surface; the classroom she first ever asked me out in, the couch we spent a whole spring break cuddling until Lizzie would pull me away, my bedroom where we shared well everything. In the beginning of the year, I had been trying to forget all of the happy memories I had with her. I thought it would be easier to get over her if I acted like our whole relationship was toxic and nothing good came out of it, but it wasn’t toxic or empty. It was loving, we were happy, and I was even selfish.
I convinced Mom to let me leave without telling Dad, I figured I could take an Uber to the airport. I left a note for him that he will see once I’m too far away for him to stop me. I have been struggling on if I should leave a note for Lizzie. I still love her, she’s my twin after all, but every time I try to write something down I become angry. I need time before I can forgive her, hopefully she’ll understand that. I doubt she will, at least at first.
In the end I decided to write a few sentences in Dad’s letter for Lizzie. A small goodbye and explanation of what I need from her now. Time and space. I know she’s going through a similar feeling of betrayal, she didn’t know about The Merge either, but Lizzie has a good support system here. Hope has been standing by her side, which I am trying to still wrap my head around. I think Hope knows I can’t do that for Lizzie anymore and she’s helping me get the space I need.
By the time I get to the airport, I have an hour to spare before my plane begins boarding. My mind wanders as I wait for time to pass. I think about
her
and how I was so stupid, how did I not see the truth in everything she said? I was so blind and had on rose colored glasses that made Lizzie look innocent and
her
look evil. I can't say her name, not even in my head without my heart aching in pain. At first I tried not thinking about
her
at all, focusing on the Merge instead. That worked for about two days until i couldn’t get her gorgeous face and infuriating smirk out of my mind. Once the airlines attendees begin boarding, MG sends me a text that says:
Go get your girl and bring me back some chocolate ;)
I smile sadly at the message, MG has been my only real support this week and I am genuinely going go miss him. I thought about bringing him along with me, but he needs to stay at school, especially after all of the blood lust and family issues he’s been going through.
I don’t reply and instead text my mom to say I’m on the plane and there’s surprisingly no one sitting in my row. It’s weird not having someone else with me on the plane, usually Dad or Lizzie are next to me. At this point Lizzie would be reading one of her fashion magazines and forcing me to look at different ensembles very ten minutes, Dad would be snoring and trying to ignore Lizzie’s loud voice explaining how sitting in coach is so below her. Now all I hear is the sound of the plane’s engine and the pilots voice over the intercom saying we are about to take off. It’s nice, the silence, I wonder if that’s how my life will be with The Salvator School in my rearview. If so, I don’t think I’m unhappy about it.
I close my eyes as I feel the plane tilting upwards into the sky and fall asleep.
I wake up in a room I don’t recognize at first, but soon realize it’s my bedroom at The Salvatore School. I am confused to see Lizzie sitting on her bed across from mine crying. My heart breaks seeing her that sad, she looks so hopeless and empty. I jump up to help Lizzie but when I try to comfort her it’s like she can’t see or feel my touch. In front of her is my letter I wrote to her and Dad. Before I can comprehend what’s happening, Hope walking into the room and rushes to Lizzie’s side. She pulls her into an embrace and lets Liz cry into her side. I hear another person walk into the room and when I turn to see who it is, my heart stops. Penelope Park stands in the doorway, looking right at me.
I whisper “Do you see me?” Unsure what is real.
“Here you are again, standing by Lizzie’s side. Picking up her mess instead of fighting for what you want!”
I’m shocked at Penelope’s anger and try to reason.
“N-no I am fighting for what I want. I’m coming to you, I… I promise.”
Penelope rolls her eyes, looking at me like she did when I took that fall at The Miss Mystic Falls Pageant. Before I can do anything she turns around and walks away, disappearing before I can stop her. I feel the emptiness inside me as I watch her leave, my feet somehow immobile. My heart shatters again and when I turn back to see Lizzie, she’s smiling and Hope is looking at me pitifully.
“Thank god she’s finally gone. The Devil’s finally exorcised from our lives.”
I hear the lack of empathy in her tone, the same tone that I have been listening to for 16 years and didn’t notice until this week. I need to leave. Get away from them. From Lizzie. Hope. Dad. Away. Away. Away.
I wake up in a jolt and try to catch my breath. I see the interior of the plane and remember where I am and more importantly, where I am going. I look out the window and see clouds and blue sky as far as the eye can see. I hate nightmares, usually when I have them Lizzie would climb into bed with me or I would sneak into
her
room for comfort. I look at the time and find that we should be landing in a few more hours. Instead of sleeping, I open my laptop and start watching some of my favorite movies. Avoiding anything that reminds me of home or
her
, wanting to escape from my reality, at least for the few hours left I have in the sky full of strangers.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When I exit the airport, I see Mom waiting for me by her car. She doesn’t see my at first, so I take in the moment; she looks happy but I know better. Mom has been searching the globe for a loophole to avoid the Merge for years. I can only imagine the stress she has been dealing with. She is a mother looking for any way to save her daughters from a gruesome fate and continuingly coming up empty. That would harm anyone’s hope -- even Caroline Forbes’. “Hey Mom.” A small smile appears on my lips when she uses her vampire speed to turn to look at me. Thankfully I arrived very early so no one is really around, or awake enough, to notice her inhuman abilities. A large smile appears on her face as she envelops me into a hug. I can tell she’s being careful not to squeeze too hard.“Sweetheart, it’s so good to see you! I missed you so much!” She kisses my forehead, grabs my luggage from me and drags me to the car. Even though Lizzie and I had visited her not too long ago, I have really missed her. I know she lied to me as well. I am not going to only blame Dad for that, but in this moment, spending some quality time with my mom is exactly what I need. Once Mom, me and the luggage are all in the car, we begin to catch up.“I missed you too Mom. Thank you for letting me come visit you such last minute. I really needed this.”“I know honey, and don’t thank me. This is the least I could do after everything…”“Mom you know I am not that happy about the lying and stuff, but right now I just need you to be here for me. We can talk about all that later.”“Yeah, of course Josie. I am here for you, whatever you need.”Mom looks at me when she says that, guilt in her eyes as she forces a smile. I smile sadly back. I just need some drama free time to get my head on straight. I need help dealing with my feelings, my feelings about the Merge and her. Before the car ride can get any more depressing, I grab my mom’s phone and play some of our favorite songs. We spend the rest of the ride singing together, both of us trying to avoid the large elephant in the backseat.The house my mom is staying in is nice, small, but nice. A little cottage with a dated stone and natural wood exterior, not exactly what I would expect from the fashion forward woman. Though, this trip was fairly unexpected for her, so I don’t question it. The inside however follows Mom’s preferences, with modern furniture and new appliances. She shows me my bedroom and the bed has a dark purple bedspread with white and lavender pillows. The room is about half the size of my room back home, but I am more than happy with it since there is no unwanted roommate or any painful memories here. I set all my things down and before I begin to unpack, I head back to the living room. Mom’s sitting on the couch, her phone in her hand. She’s probably texting Dad, letting him know I arrived safely. I cough and she quickly stands up and puts her phone away. “Hey Jo, want something to eat? I can imagine you’d be hungry after such a long journey.”“Actually Mom, I need to talk to you. I thought it could wait, but it can’t.”“Oh, okay! Of course, come sit down.”We both sit on opposite sides of the white couch, a gap between us that we are both ignoring. “You know how I said I needed to get away -- that I needed space from Lizzi and Dad and school?”She nods.“Well there’s another reason I asked for this trip. I need to do something and I need your help.”I begin to explain everything about her and her obnoxious, selfish, evil heart -- the heart that loves me. Out of all the beautiful people at Salvadore School, her heart loves me. I begin to tear up once I get to the end of our story, our goodbye, her leaving. “I need to go to her, apologize and ask for her back. I need to tell her I love her too.”I stop talking after that. I hadn’t voiced it out loud before. I mean, I knew I loved her, but saying it was totally different. I didn’t mean to say the three words, they just slipped out like they were as easy as breathing. Probably because falling in love with Penelope Park is as easy as breathing -- or eating, or any other innate ability we are just born to know how to do.“Okay. Let’s get your girl.”“Wait… just like that?”Mom smiles at that. “Of course honey, I would never get in the way of anyone finding love.”I can hear the slight lie in that sentence, some sort of hidden memory from the past, but I am ecstatic that Mom has my back in this. Finally someone does. “O-okay, great! We should head there soon then. Belgium is only a couple hours away by plane.”“Done your research huh?”“..yeah, just incase I would need to go without your help.”“You really thought I would stop you?” When she reaches that resolution, she frowns. Sad to think her daughter would actually believe she was that mean.“Well, I just felt that you wouldn’t want me leaving to go to another country after just arriving here. It’s not that I think you don’t want the best for me, I just thought you’d be a little wary and protective.” I give her a small smile, not wanting to hurt her feelings.“I’m kidding Jo, I knew what you meant. This is nothing compared to what I hid from my mom when I was your age.”Mom starts laughing and I can’t help but join. Maybe this trip will be a good one after all. Maybe I’ll be able to find some happiness again after all of the emotional turmoil.