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Erso FarmsAn Imperial transport flies overPilot: we have arrived at Erso farms sirKrennic: excellent. Now, circle around a few times and land extremely far away.Pilot: far away sir?Krennic: yesPilot: but, wouldn't that give them, you know, time to hide or run away?Krennic: no, it will look intimidating!Pilot: but I think we should just land in front of their houseKrennic: fine! We'll land right at their doorstep! You guys have to take the awesomeness out of everything! The transport lands and Krennic walks outKrennic: Galen! Suddenly his wife shows upLyra: you'll never win! She is instantly shot by the Deathtroopers.Jedha: Imperial MoonJyn watches the hologram of her fatherGalen: Jyn, if youre watching this, is because the pilot Bodhi got the message to Saw Gerrara. The Empire has a superweapon, capable of destroying entire planets. So I built a weakness inside of it, a weakness so small that no one will find out. The rest of the plans are on the data archives on Scarif. But that would be a total suicide mission, one I will not send my daughter to.Cassian: Jyn, it's time to go.Saw Gerrara: bye now!Jyn: you're not coming with us?Saw: no Jyn, I've been running my whole life, I will run no further.Jyn: ok, that really makes no sense. Bye weirdo!Saw: wait Jyn! Don't forget your message!Jyn: oh my gosh! Thank you!Mustafar: Vader's CastleKrennic: but, I built you a Death Star.Vader: and this, gives you power over me? Krennic starts to get force chokedKrennic: I-I can't breathe. He falls to the ground coughing and Vader turns aroundVader: be careful no to. CHOKE, on your aspirations, DirectorKrennic: ah come on, a dad joke, really?Vader: a dad joke? Why would you say a dad joke? Do you think I'm a father?Krennic: no, Lord Vader, it's that, what you said, is what people call a dad joke.Vader: ehm.Krennic: like, a bad pun.Vader: ohKrennic: so, not a fatherVader: how unfortunate. Because if I was a father, I would be really excited about it.ScarifCassian: so, we only have a few moments left to live. You wanna make out or something?Jyn: yes! The U-Wing appears in front of them with K-2SOCassian: K!Jyn: K-2SO!K: Are you se-You were about to kiss her.*whispers*Do you know where she has been?Jyn: how are you still alive?K: I transferred my data into that other droid we found because I knew we all wouldn't make it, duhCassian: that's really smart KBodhi: and we're all still alive!Chirrut: and I'm a Jedi now!Cassian: really, how in the world!Rebel CruiserDarth Vader ignites his lightsaberVader: what up Rebel scumRebel: open fire! They begin shooting at Vader who deflects the blastersVader: oh yeah shoot at the guy with the lightsaber oh yeah. He stabs a Rebel and shoots a blaster back at one. Vader: this is really easy come on guys try harder than this.Rebel: here! Take it! He uses the Force and grabs the plans and kills the RebelVader: hehe. too easy.
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Coruscant: Senate Chambers
Queen Amidala: The Naboo system is under attack by the droid armies of the Trade Federation.
Viceroy: there is no proof!
Queen Amidala: there is like, lots of proof actually. This is footage of the space invasion. And I have a message from one of my advisors
Advisor: The death toll is catastrophic, contact me immediately. And there are like, tons of witnesses. Two of which are Jedi
Obi-Wan: I assure you, whatever the queen says is true
Chancellor: well what the heck guys?! Send reinforcements, immediately.
Palpatine: hehe, ya.
Naboo
The doors open and Darth Maul appears. A bunch of Jedi ignite their lightsabers
Darth Maul: aw dang! He runs off
Naboo: Qui-Gon's funeral
Yoda: always two there are. A master, and an apprentice
Mace: but which was destroyed? The Master, or the apprentice? Darth Maul appears without his legs
Darth Maul: Master! Master! I'm still here! I'm still alive! At last, we shall have our revenge. At last, we will reveal ourselves
Palpatine: uh, I don't know this man. Palpatine runs off
Darth Maul: oh come on!
Obi-Wan: how are you still alive?!
Darth Maul: I was saved, by a bunch of fans
Yoda: convenient, that is.
Darth Maul: yeah! I know right!
Anakin: what will happen to me now? Qui-Gon's Force Ghost appears
Qui-Gon: you guys are totally ruining my funeral!ExtrasNabooJar Jar and Qui-Gon are walking through the forestQui-Gon: the ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now you must goJar Jar: oh but by the Gods it is! Meesa brings clumsy and funny timesQui-Gon: whatever you say
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KaminoObi-Wan: I can totally see your armor back thereJango: what? What armor? No you can'tObi-Wan: yes I canJango: no, no you don't. Obi-Wan uses the Force and knocks the suit out of placeObi-Wan: I've seen enough*ignites lightsaber* You're coming with me. HologramObi-Wan: Masters, I believe I have found the bounty hunter responsible for the assassination attempts on the SenatorYoda: good, good. Bring him in, question him we will.Obi-Wan: but, there is a little problem. He has this youngling with him*Boba comes by Kenobi and he shooes his lightsaber at him* Back! Back! And plus, my ship only has one seat. So, I don't think he's going to sit on my lap all the way back to Coruscant.Mace: does he have a ship you can use?Obi-Wan: do you mind if I borrow your ship?Jango: I'm not gonna let you borrow my shipObi-Wan: could you perhaps send a larger ship?Mace: No! No, we cannotYoda: Important Jedi business we have. Sit on these cushions we mustObi-Wan: I'm really doing all the work aren't I?Yoda: yes, yes you are. Hehehehe!GeonosisYoda: fought well you have, my old Padawan learner.Dooku: I'm just beginning to discover my powers. He uses the Force and hurls a rock to Anakin and Obi-Wan. Yoda catches it with the Force and throws it at Dooku's escape craft.Coruscant: Senate ChamberMace: and that's when we found the plans Dooku was carrying called the Death Star! Capable of destroying entire planets! So, like the good keepers of peace that we are, we destroyed their design, and now their gone foreverPalpatine: you- you did what?! Everyone looks at himPalpatine: I mean. Oh, thank goodness. He gets on a hologram with a Clone TrooperPalpatine: Execute Order 66ExtrasGeonosisPadme and a Clone fall off the gunshipAnakin: I'm going after herObi-Wan: get control of yourself Anakin! Don't let your feelings get in the way of the mission!Anakin: I don't care put the ship down!Obi-Wan: you will be expelled from the Jedi Order!Anakin: well, see ya! He jumps off the gunship
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Coruscant: Jedi Temple
Padme: Anakin, something wonderful has happened. I'm pregnant.
Anakin: really?! I'm going to be a father?!
Padme: shh! What are you doing?
Anakin: I'm so happy! I must go tell everyone! He runs off shouting in the Temple
Anakin: my secret wife is pregnant! I'm going to be a father! Obi-Wan! I'm going to be a father!
Utaupau
Obi-Wan: Hello there
Grievous: General Kenobi! Everyone stand back! I'll handle this Jedi, myself!
Obi-Wan: your move
Grievous: oh I'm just kidding. Everyone blast this fool! Obi-Wan ignites his lightsaber and gets blasted
Grievous: all too easy*cough*
Coruscant: Palpatine's Office
Anakin: you're the Sith Lord*ignites lightsaber*
Palpatine: well it's about time! I've been dropping hints like crazy!
Anakin: I'm a slow learner
Palpatine: I guess you're going to contact the Council. Wait, where are you going?
Anakin: I'm calling them now!
Palpatine: no! No! Anakin appears on a hologram
Anakin: Master, I have discovered a terrible truth, Chancellor, is a Sith Lord
Mace: a Sith Lord?
Anakin: yes. He's trying to tempt me to the Dark side. Palpatine in background shocking himself
Palpatine: help me Anakin! The Jedi are taking over!Anakin: why are you shocking yourself? Stop shocking yourself. Please send helpMace: don't let him leave.LAAT GunshipMace: now, I know whippin out the lightsaber makes you look intimidating. But this is a Sith Lord we're talking about. Expect severe resistance. And whatever you do, don't let him stab you slowly or something stupid like that. We're Jedi Masters for crying out loud!Palpatine: it's treason then. He launches himself at the Jedi and is instantly cut downMace: yeah! That's what I'm talking about!Anakin: at last, the Lord of the Sith, is finally destroyed. Jar Jar appears with a black capeJar Jar: oh heesa not the Lord of the Sith. Meesa the Lord of the Sith! Meesa Darth Jar Jar! And yousa in big doodoo this time! He gets cut by MaceMace: enough is enough! I've had it with these nerherdin' Sith Lords in this nerfherdin' city!NabooAnakin: and then your mother didn't die from childbirth, and we live happily on Naboo.Luke: then what happened?Anakin: the war was over, the Senate elected a new Chancellor, and the Clones all got new jobs.Leia: I like that story daddyLuke: aww, I feel like it ruins a better follow up storyAnakin: hehe. It probably does! I have a family!ExtrasMustafarObi-Wan: it's over Anakin! I have the high ground!Anakin: well, from my point of view you have the lava ground! He uses the Force and throws lava by Obi-WanObi-Wan: whoa! whoa!Anakin: lava ground! Lava ground!Obi-Wan: whoa! whoa Anakin! Stop it!Anakin: well, from my point of view you have the lava ground!Obi-Wan: okay, I get it!
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Tantive IV
3PO: If they hit our main reactor we are as sure as gone!
R2:*beeping noises*
3PO: What do you mean "If I have something to say about it?" R2 runs off and pulls out dual Rebel pistols. Stormtroopers brake through the door.
Stormtroopers: aah! aah! aah!
Rebel: that little droid did it
Rebel Officer: such a Mary Sue. Darth Vader walks
Darth Vader: whoa! whoa! Who's shooting up all of my stormtroopers in here!? R2 shoots at Vader who deflects it. The Rebels point at R2
Darth Vader: wait, R2? Is that you? R2 runs off
Darth Vader: wait! R2 come back! Nooooo!
Obi-Wan Kenobi's Home
Luke: how did my father die?
Obi-Wan: oh he's not dead. He's Darth Vader.
Luke: what?! Darth Vader is my dad?!
Obi-Wan: unfortunately yes. The hologram of Leia appears on R2
Obi-Wan: oh that's convenient. Princess Leia is also your twin sister
Luke: huh? He falls out of his chair
Death Star: Garbage Compactor
Leia: watch where you're shooting that thing!
Han: I'm sorry your Highness! You know, it won't take them long to find out where we went!
Stormtrooper: they went down the garbage compactor!
Stormtrooper: what do we do?
Stormtrooper: how about we just let the trash monster eat them and not verify if they made it out or not
Stormtrooper: sounds good to me
Imperial Officer: really guys? Really?
Stormtrooper: what?
Imperial Officer: get down there and exterminate the threat!
Stormtrooper: uh! Fine! They walk down there
Stormtrooper: freeze Rebel scum! He fires his blaster and the laser bounces off the wall and everyone screams.
Yavin 4
Rebel Commander: These are the plans to the battle station. Normally we would have enough time to analyze the plans before we attack. But since Leia insisted on delivering the plans herself, knowing full well her ship was being tracked, instead of transmitting the plans to us, keeping our secret ase safe. Thank you, Princess Leia
Leia: I'm starting to pick up on your sass
Rebel Commander: that's good. That's really good! Because you deserve it! Now, we only have one chance to make this right, and it's all, Princess Leia's fault!
Death Star
Imperial: sir, we have approached the planet Yavin. The Rebel base is on the moon on the other side of the planet. We'll be in firing range in 30 minutes
Tarkin: or, you could lightspeed to the correct side of the planet and be done with it now!
Imperial: oh, yes. Standby sir. The Death Star jumps into hyperspace and appears right by Yavin 4
Rebel Commander: well, that didn't go as planned. The Death Star fires at the Rebel base
Chewie: arrrghhh!
Han: you said it Chewie. I was this close to going back and helping those people.
Extras
Death Star
Darth Vader: I've been waiting a long time for this Obi-Wan
Obi-Wan: what happened to your legs? I simply remember chopping those off?
Darth Vader: you were the Master, but now I am the- Obi-Wan uses the Force and crushes Vader's metallic legs
Obi-Wan: what's this, a breathing device? He uses the Force and removes
Darth Vader: ah! I need that
Obi-Wan: what's up with the mask? Show your face. He lifts up Vader's mask to show Anakin's burnt face
Obi-Wan: oh my. Someone did not age well
Darth Vader: I hate you so muchMore ExtrasDagobahYoda: had to let him beat you, you had to. What will I do now? Go crazy I will?!Obi-Wan: oh get over yourself
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ExecutorDarth Vader kneels in front of a hologram of PalpatineDarth Vader: what is my bidding, my Master?Palpatine: there has been a disturbance in the ForceDarth Vader: I have felt itPalpatine: I have no doubt, that this Force, is the son of Anakin SkywalkerDarth Vader: I have a son?Palpatine: no, I said Anakin Skywalker, you are Darth VaderDarth Vader: I have a son! I must see him! I must go tell everybody!Palpatine: wait, where are you going?Darth Vader: hey everyone, have you heard the news? I'm a father! Woo-hoo! No Force choking all around! I have a son stormtroopers! I have a son asteroids! Hey bounty hunters, guess what? I have a son, did you know that?Boba Fett: yesDarth Vader: wait, you did? Who told you? Wait, why are you all standing around? Get back to work! Lightspeed! Woooo!BespinDarth Vader: I can't wait to meet my son. Me and my boy ruling the galaxy, he is going to be so excited to see meLuke: nooo! nooo! noooo!Darth Vader: I know it's a bit shocking, but honestly I'm just so happy to meet you!Luke: you cut off my hand!Darth Vader: don't be a baby Luke. I had both my arms and legs chopped off. Now, as I was saying. Join me, and we can overthrow the Emperor, and rule the galaxy as father and son!Luke: hm, that does sound pretty good. But do we have to rule from the Dark side?Darth Vader: yes, that's how it goesLuke: then I'll never join you. See ya! He jumps off but Vader catches himDarth Vader: where do you think you're going?Luke: put me down!Darth Vader: no, I am your father and I say we're going homeLuke: you're the worst dad ever!Darth Vader: more like the most powerful dad ever. HeheExtrasLando opens the door to the room and Darth Vader stands upChewie: arrrghh! Han pulls out his blaster and shoots at Vader who blocks it with Force and grabs the blasterDarth Vader: whoa, you-you shot firstHan: yeah, why wouldn't I?Darth Vader: I uh-I don't know the answer to thatMore ExtrasDagobahObi-Wan: it has just dawned on me that you are the Last Jedi. Maybe you shouldn't have let Luke go aloneYoda: hm. Well, maybe get cut in half for no reason, you shouldn't have. Hm?
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Jabba's PalaceEveryone is sleeping and a thermal detonator is thrown in there.Jabba:Choy? Doe! It explodes and Boba Fett's helmet flies out the roomLeia: see, told you it would be easyLuke: awww. But I wanted our plan to be stupid elaborate and we all would sneak in one by one. Han comes out of the carbonite and falls on the groundHan: owhow! My face!Rebel Fleet Above SullustRebel: you guys stole an Imperial shuttle? Aren't they going to miss it?Rebel: what if it's a trap?Ackbar: it's not a trap! Why does everyone think it's a trap? It's not a trap!Rebel: how doy ou know that the Imperials just let you take it?Rebel: are you sure no one was going to use it?Rebel Commander: yes, we're sureMon Mothma: many Bothans died to give us this intelRebel: no offense lady, but all we Rebels ever do is die without a cause. Well, except if you're the A-team over there. They all look at Han, Chewie, Leia, and LandoDeath StarDarth Vader: you're feelings betray you, especially for your sister. You have a twin sister? I have a daughter too?! This, this is wonderful news! I must go tell everyone!Palpatine: now look at what you made him do. Do you realize how annoying that is?Darth vader: hey wait a minute. Yout old me I killed Padme in my angerPalpatine: yesDarth Vader: how did she still manage to deliver two kids, that doesn't add up?Palpatine: uh, you see, uh, she lost the will to live?Darth Vader: you lied to me!*ignites lightsaber* I'll kill you!Palpatine: nooo!Darth Vader: nooo!EndorStormtroopers are blasting EwoksStormtrooper: how are we still dieing to these Ewoks?Stormtrooper: I know! Isn't our armor strong enough to not get penetrated by arrows and spears?Stormtrooper: it just makes no sense. An Ewok crashes a speeder into themStormtrooper: ahhh!Endor: CelebrationLuke: hey, thanks for appearing the way I thought you would dad. He walks offObi-Wan: I'm just glad you didn't appears as your younger, more annoying selfAnakin: oh my gosh. Do you know how funny that would be. Transforms into young AnakinAnakin: now this is podracing!Obi-Wan: uh kill me again. Change backYoda: yes, change back you mustAnakin: or how about this. From my point of view the Jedi are evilObi-Wan: that is giving me flashbacks. Please change backYoda: yes, please. Mace and Qui-Gon appearsAnakin: Master Windu! Master Qui-Gon!Qui-Gon: hello, AnakinMace: look who finally kicked the bucket!Anakin: does that mean Padme is here as well? Huh, no. Only the Jedi, that's pretty wizard, I guess. Well, at least we're all friends, Force ghost younglings appear.Youngling: you killed us all as childrenYoda: awkward, this is. Hehehehe!ExtrasLeia is in her slave outfit and the group is running away from JabbaHan: you know. I'm going to regret being blind this whole time. I feel like I'm missing out on some, pretty, memorable sights. Leia looks at him.
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Starkiller Base
Kylo Ren kneels in front of Vader's mask
Kylo Ren: and I will finish, what you have started, grandfather. Anakin's force ghost appears
Anakin: I have a grandson too! Yoda! Obi-Wan! I have a grandson! Yoda and Obi-Wan appear
Obi-Wan: oh my gosh, this is never going to end is it?
Yoda: hmmm.
Takodana
Stormtrooper: traitor! Finn ignites his lightsaber. The stormtrooper fires his blaster at Finn and hits him
Stormtrooper: yeah!*evil laugh**gets blasted by Chewie's bowcaster
Starkiller Base
Rey: you will remove these restraints and leave with the cell door open
Stormtrooper: I will remove these restraints and leave the cell door open. Walks away
Rey: and you'll escort me to a ship I can escape in?
Stormtrooper: and I'll escort you to a ship you can escape in
Starkiller Space
Rey flies off in a SF TIE Fighter
Starkiller Base
Finn: lower the shields! Or I'll blow that bucket off your head
Phasma: did you say lower the shields? I thought you said alert everyone to your position?
Han: Chweie, we're screwed
Chewie: arrgggh!
D'Qar
Resistance Pilot: this is Death Star 1, this is Death Star 2, and this is Starkiller Base
Leia: can we just call it Death Star 3? It's basically the same thing except bigger
Resistance Pilot: we have to somehow lower the shields
Finn: I can do it, but I have to be on the planet
Han: we'll get you there
Leia: how are you going to do that?
Han: if I told you, you wouldn't like it
Starkiller Base
Finn: we're making our landing approach at lightspeed? How will we even have enough time to avoid crashing into-The Falcon crashes
D'Qar
Leia: well, there goes that idea
C-3PO: What do you mean turn the power on and off again? I'm sure they tried everything. R2 turns on
3PO: Oh thank the maker!
R2:*beeping noises*
C-3PO: Dramatic appearance? We don't have time for that?Starkiller BaseHan and Kylo meet on the platformKylo: I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?Han: anything. They both grab his lightsaberKylo: hm, you were always so stu-Luke appears behind Kylo and ignites his green lightsaber and stabs himLuke: surprise! Kylo falls down like Han didHan: no! No! Why?! Why?!Luke: why didn't you shoot first? He was going to kill you?Han: he was my boy! And where did you come from and how do you know?!Luke: I was bored on my island. Plus, I always sense when you guys are in danger, it's kinda my thingHan: uhh! Leia's gonna be pissedExtrasFinn and Poe are escaping Kylo's Star Destroyer in a stolen TIE FighterPoe: how about we play a game to get to know each other better?Finn: surePoe: alright, I'll ask the questions and we must answer them. We cannot change our answersFinn: got itPoe: scariest Star Wars monster?Both: Rancor!Both:*gasp*Poe: if there was one man in the galaxy you would sleep with, who would it be?Both: Lando Calrissian!Both:*gasp*Poe: alright, alright, final question. Best Star Wars costume?Both: Slave Leia outfit!Both:*gasp*Finn: did we just become best friends?!Poe: i think we did! Then their TIE Fighter gets hit by a missile
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Crait: SpaceLeia starts to Mary Poppins back to the shipPoe, Finn, and 3PO run towards the doorPoe: oh dang! She's really coming!C-3PO: Sir! Might I suggest! Poe opens the door and him, Leia, Finn, and 3PO are sucked into spaceC-3PO: Oh dear!D'QarPoe flies his X-Wing in front of the DreadnoughtPoe: happy to be here buddy, happy to be here. Urgent! I am Commander Dameron of the New Republic fleet with an urgent message to General Hux!Hux: fire on that shipOfficer: right away sir. The Dreadnought fires a laser at PoePoe: oh poop. His X-Wing explodes.Crait:SpaceKylo flies with his wingmen just before they bomb the command bridgeAckbar: uh, I suddenly have to use the bathroom*walks off*Resistance CruiserResistance Personnel: the chain of command dictates that Admiral Ackbar is in commandAckbar: yes!*walks past Holdo* Sorority sister!Canto BightRose: alright, we have to focus on the mission. So don't park on the beach so some redneck alien doesn't sell us outFinn: got itRose: And we can't waste time feeling bad about kids or horses. Our friends are literally running for their lives!Finn: ok! I said I get it! We'll land in the grassAhch-ToLuke: what did you think was going to happen here? Did you really think I would face down the entire First Order with nothing but a laser sword?Rey: yes, that's exactly what I thought would happenLuke: that does sound pretty awesome. Ok, let's do it, but first, let's take one for the road. Luke drinks milk from those creaturesRey: come on! Let's go!Luke: coming!*whispers to the creature* I'm going to miss you the most of allCrait: SpaceAckbar: I have an urgent message for General Hux!Hux: what is it Ackbar?Ackbar: do you know what this is?Hux: do I-What?!Ackbar: do you know what this is?!Hux: Get on with it AckbarAckbar: it's a!Hux: it's a what?Ackbar: IT'S A TRAAAAP! The cruiser goes into lightspeed and destroys numerous Star Destroyers and brakes Snoke's DestroyerSupremacySnoke: let me tell you my origin storySome time laterSnoke: and that is my origin story. Now do you understand?Rey: yes, I understand, Darth Plageuis!Throne RoomRey and Kylo try to grab Anakin's lightsaber. Rey ignites it and chops off Kylo's handKylo: come on really?! Not cool! You're parents are nothing. They sold you for drinking moneyObi-Wan: I don't remember my granddaughter ever being sold for drinking moneyRey:*gasps*Kylo: what? Who are you?Obi-Wan: I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi, and this here is my granddaughterRey:*squeals*Kylo: what?! No! That's impossible!Obi-Wan: search deep down in your feelings, you know its true. Anakin's Force Ghost appearsObi-Wan: oh my goshAnakin: your a grandfather too! I'm so excitedRey: I'm excited too!Anakin: do you want to go tell everybody?!Rey: of course! Hey Ben have you heard the news?Kylo: No way, is that my Grandfather!?Anakin: Ben!Kylo: Grandfather!Crait Rey and Luke stand in front of the First Order walkersKylo: I want every gun we have to fire at them. The all fire at the Jedi but Luke Force Freezes them allKylo: what?! That's impossible! No one has even seen him use that Force ability beforeCarl: well, we've all seen you do it before sir. So it's no wonder that he could do the sameKylo: shut up Karl! No one asked you!Luke: now! R2 and BB-8 launch lightsabers at Rey and Luke who ignite their blue and green lightsabers. Luke smacks the laser with his lightsaber and the walker, causing it to fall over. Rey does the same and they alternate the actionKylo: noo! No! No! All walkers are destroyedKylo: bring me down to th-His transport gets shocked by lightningLuke turns to his side and sees YodaLuke: what is up with you and lightning all of a sudden?Yoda:*laughs*ExtrasRose crashes her speeder into Finn'sFinn: why would you do that? I was almost thereRose: it's not about fighting, but saving those we loveFinn: what, that's what I was doing?! What doyou think Ackbar did?!Rose: let's kissFinn: what?! No! No. First Order officers watch from the AT-M6Officer: this is just sadOfficer: should we let them go?Officer: uhhhhhh, no. The walker blasts themPoe: oh dang! Finn and Rose just died!Leia: Finn and who?!