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Back on the transporter pad aboard the Discovery, Hugh finally released the breath he had been holding. Back home safe, all of them. He realized what a long way he’d come, feeling safe here again. Calling the ship “home”. He followed the rest of the team to the armory while his adrenaline rush from the away mission subsided, still a little more to himself and separate from them all, processing everything that had happened.While he was peeling off the pieces of his EVA suit, a hand gently settled on his arm. He barely jumped and turned around. It was Michael Burnham.“Thank you, Doctor Culber, for having my back out there.” She was smiling.He nodded hesitantly.“Are you okay? Do you need anything?”“Thank you, Commander, I’m fine. It … feels good to be useful again.”“We’re delighted to have you back. You were amazing. And …” She glanced over her shoulder at Paul, who was busy putting away his phaser and suit plates. “I’m sure Commander Stamets is grateful, too, for your support. He wouldn’t have succeeded without your protection.”Her smile was timid, but warm and genuine, and another feeling seemed to slide back into place: the fondness and companionship he’d felt for her in the past finally settled in again, feeling right and good and true. The corner of his mouth twitched minutely. But he still wished that everyone stopped treading on eggshells around him. Especially when it came to …“I—I’m sure he will want to thank you himself, eventually, though,” she added, possibly worried that she had overstepped.Will he? Hugh wondered. Paul had withdrawn, giving him some space. Hugh felt guilt for the way things had gone down between them, whatever “guilt” as a feeling meant to his new body. But Paul’s presence had been suffocating … up until now. Concern about the mission had been at the back of his mind the whole time, but seeing Paul at work, in his element, doing everything in his power to help, to save, to preserve life itself—in that moment, it was gone. It had felt like seeing him again for the first time, just like all those years ago. And despite the danger, despite the threat, despite all the risks, Hugh had been happy.His lips curved into a smile.“And,” Burnham said with a gentle voice, smiling again herself now at the sight of his smile. “if there’s anything I can do for you, don’t hesitate to ask.”“Thank you, Commander Burnham.”As she stepped away, he looked over and caught Paul staring at him, then quickly looking away and hurrying out of the room, with a sadness in his face that didn’t sit right with Hugh. He returned to removing his EVA suit, the smile fading, now lost in thoughts. *** Every time Hugh Culber smiled, Paul Stamets fell in love with him all over again. It was a universal constant. On many days, it had been the one thing that had kept him going. So why did it now feel like his world was going to end?He had fled to engineering, hoping to bury himself in his work, writing his mission report, anything that took his mind off what he was feeling. It wasn’t like he had anywhere else to be, or anyone waiting for him at home. Hugh’s smile, of course, had kept following him around.Was this the first time Hugh had smiled since his return? It certainly was the first time that Paul had seen it. Maybe not big and bright and radiant, but genuinely, unmistakably Hugh. His Hugh.
Well, not anymore. He was talking to Michael and she made him smile and he smiled at her. Not at you. Not because of you. Not for you.
He swallowed hard, lips pressed together to stop them from trembling, and finished typing up his report. Then he excused himself to return to his quarters.The door slid open and he stepped in and then they closed behind him. As his eyes fell on Hugh sitting on the couch, he froze.It took a few moments for him to find his composure before he said, “Hello.”“Hi.”Hugh sounded casual, slightly nervous, sitting with his elbows on his knees and rubbing his hands together absent-mindedly. Such a familiar pose for him that the sight of it only stung more. Paul stood fixed to the spot, unsure what to say or to do.“You left my authorization in place,” Hugh commented. His voice was calm, quiet. Familiar. “I—uhm. I rang, but you weren’t home, so I just tried and—well, the scanner let me in.”“I told you there would always be a place for you to come home to here,” Paul answered. “I …” He wasn’t sure why he felt the need to explain himself. Hugh had already walked out. But he did it anyway. “I went back to engineering because I didn’t think anyone would be waiting for me here.”Hugh lowered his head, nodding, staring into the distance. His hands resumed their nervous movement. Was he … disappointed? Or understanding? Both? Paul wished that the burning ache inside his chest wasn’t so overwhelming it drowned out his other senses.“Of course …”He wanted to ask Hugh why he was here now but couldn’t find the words to make the question sound right. Not demanding, or accusing, or hurt. Hugh didn’t need any of that right now.After an eternity of neither of them moving from their spot or saying anything, Hugh glanced up at him again.“You don’t have to stay over there.”“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do now.”“I don’t bite.” It sounded so sincere that Paul would have found it funny in the moment, if he wasn’t vividly remembering their last fight in here right now. Hugh jumping up, flipping over his tray, yelling at him. So he just took a few tentative steps towards the couch.Now Hugh looked hurt, and somehow that was even worse. He slid over a little, to the far end of the couch, and Paul accepted the invitation and sat down next to him.Still, Hugh didn’t say anything, so Paul tried to break the increasingly oppressive silence.“Um … Good job on your first mission there today. Well—first again, you know. You were amazing, as always.”“Thank you,” Hugh said softly. After a moment he added, “Burnham said the same thing.”Paul glanced up at him, then quickly looked back down at his own entwined fingers.“And also … thank you. For saving me. I mean—you saved all of us, of course. But thank you—for looking after me while—while I was trying to reverse the algorithm and everything.”“You’re welcome, Paul.”Something as simple as hearing Hugh say his name managed to send a shiver down his spine; familiar, but now also scary.“She said you’d want to thank me as well. You two have gotten close. I’m—I’m glad to see that. It’s good for you, to crawl out of your shell.”Paul swallowed, but the lump in his throat remained. Was this Hugh asking him to move on? Again?“I saw you talking to her,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady. “I’m glad, too, that you—that you’re finding your way back into the—” He almost said “family”, but caught himself in time. “Into the crew. I hope this helps you. It’s good to—” Despite his best efforts, his voice broke. He tried again. “It’s good to see someone make you smile again.”
Even if that someone isn’t me.
He had to turn his head away so Hugh wouldn’t see him falling apart. He could feel Hugh’s eyes on his neck now.“You know, I was afraid to go on the mission. Not because of the danger or anything, but because of everyone else. It’s hard to … rely on other people again. Or to have others rely on me. I didn’t know if I was ready for it.”Paul listened to him in silence, still not daring to look. Hugh was talking more right now than he had in all this time since his return—at least talking to Paul, normally. Not yelling, not angry.“But actually, it was … okay. Everything turned out to be okay. In that moment, I knew who I was and what I needed to do. It gave me a … a sense of purpose, I guess. Helping everyone. Keeping them safe.”Paul finally dared to turn around and look at Hugh’s face. He wasn’t quite smiling yet, but there was a light in his face that had been rare these last few days. At the sight, Paul’s lips curled into a smile on their own accord.“That’s good, Hugh. I’m happy for you.”“And you …” Paul’s heart made a leap as he braced himself for what might follow. “You were right there, right next to me. And as always, you refused to believe in no-win scenarios, and you said, ‘I’ve got this, buy me some time and I can fix all of this, I can save everyone.’ And in that moment I knew I could trust you.”And he was … smiling. At Paul. Because of Paul. For Paul.“I recognized you.”His heart was going to melt from the warmth spreading inside his chest, and Paul really didn’t care. He also didn’t care that he was probably making the biggest and sappiest heart eyes at Hugh right now. It was hard enough to fight back the urge to throw his arms around him and never let go of him ever again. But that would most certainly be too much for him right now, and the last thing Paul wanted was to scare him off again.“I’m … thank you, Hugh. I’m … happy. Very happy.”Hugh looked down at his hands a little nervously again, but the smile was still there. Good.“You know, I … There’s still so much stuff that I need to figure out, and I’m sorry about putting you through all this.”“That’s okay,” Paul reassured him, reflexively reaching out for Hugh’s hand but stopping himself when he saw him flinch, then smiling apologetically as he drew his hand back again. “I’ll be here, waiting. I’m not going anywhere.”“Thank you. Um… Paul? Would you like to … eat dinner in the mess hall together? Now?”Paul’s eyes widened in surprise.“Sure! Of course, I mean, if you want to, then yes, I would like that very much.”Hugh smiled again. Smaller than before, but also calm.“I’m starting to find a few things that taste familiar again.”“That’s great news. I can’t wait to hear about them.”“They’ve got mushroom stew on the menu today. I want to try that again.”“They do?” Funny, Paul thought, how some things never seemed to change. Like Hugh memorizing the entire menu plan while he was surprised by it every single time. “That’s my favorite.”“Yes,” Hugh said, and in his voice and in his smile was so much of the old warmth that, just for a moment, Paul was able to forget everything that had happened. “I know.”