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I have got to be dreaming.
Maria stared at the figure sitting across the table from her, stared as though she were entranced. Memories flooded through her mind, pulling from the deepest trenches of her subconscious where she’d attempted to drown them for good. Remembering Carol had been hard, at first, and slowly gotten easier as the years had passed. She could have a drink without thinking of all the times they’d gone to the bar after a long day. She could stare at the sky and see planes fly over without being reduced to her chest clenching and eyes burning with tears. She could see her daughter wear that damned jacket without wanting to selfishly hide it away forever.Instead of sitting in her home and letting herself fall victim to the pain, she kept pushing.Monica needed a mother. Maria would be fine on her own. She’d done it before; she’d do it again.Maria had become content with staying at home, fixing up planes. She could lose herself in the sounds of her tools, the way her body ached after spending all her day outside. In those moments with Monica, on the couch watching television and listening to the crickets on those Louisiana summer nights, Maria could begin to feel okay. Just because Carol was gone didn’t mean that Maria was gone with her. It was just a part of her that had been put in the ground with Carol that day, not all of her.Seeing her face after all those years still had her heart racing, her voice caught in her throat.Flashes of bodies pressed close together while singing karaoke in the bar flew through her mind.Locked eyes and private smiles between one another in the barracks filled her memory.The way Carol’s soft skin illuminated in the dim lights of the evening; how that frame was accentuated by the moon and fireflies when surrounded by a frame of dark grass and flannel got her heart racing.How their hands had fit together and how good it felt to hold her, to just feel her near when she needed it was burned into the back of her mind.All those memories were soon overshadowed by confusion, seeing that familiar face with an unfamiliar expression. Maria could count on one hand how often she’d seen Carol hesitate – yet, here she was, adding to the digits she would use. She looked like Carol, but Maria knew Carol was gone. She had been gone for years. And it looked as though the Carol standing before her might know that, too.Now, they were at the kitchen table, as they’d been many times before. This was different, though. There was a chasm of distance between them and Maria wasn’t sure she wanted to try and reach across to bridge the gaps. Carol didn’t know who she was or what her old life had been. This woman was Carol, in every physical aspect, and that wasn’t enough. Maria needed to see that spark of life, that courage, the essence of power that made Carol who she had been… who Maria had fallen in love with.It didn’t take long to find it.The memories always came rushing back, and with the painful realization of what was had and what was lost. Sometimes, time couldn’t heal everything. Sometimes, time was the thief, and people could only try and make up for what was lost.With all the time passed, Maria knew Carol wouldn’t remember everything. Not at first. There were bigger stakes at hand, however, and other memories – other worlds and lives to focus on. It was so much bigger than a small house in Louisiana.And now, as she stood and watched Carol disappear from her life once more, she could only hope that one day, she would truly remember. That one day, while she was out finding homes for others, she would remember it all…… and find her way home, too.